Tag Archive | truth

When being open isn’t enough

tears

So remember the Professor? The guy I was in an “open” relationship with? The one I kept saying I liked so much because above all else he was HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY? Yeah, well, it turns out he’s a big, fat, LIAR. I am so disappointed, crushed and totally let down. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like I’ve ever met or been in a relationship with a guy in my life who DIDN’T turn out to be a big liar, but the fantasy that they are out there was a nice one.

Last night we went to another swinger party. This one was at a hotel. It was not a technical “hotel takeover” but there were something like 75-100 people at this place, in a tourist town that is not too far away from where we live. There were a bunch of rooms reserved at the back of the hotel specifically for the swinger party and a lot of people stayed the whole weekend and hung out socializing in the pool and lobby areas. Groups of people also were going out to bars and such in town, so not everyone was there at once.

The Professor and I didn’t sign up until Saturday, since we hadn’t gotten a response back from the Latino couple we have been emailing with for this weekend and the party was Plan B. That couple had made it pretty clear to me that they were interested in a FMF with me more than anything so I told them straight up that I was not ready for that and would be happy to meet them with the Professor but wasn’t interested in going at it alone at this point. He’s the one who told them about me, thinking we would swap as a COUPLE so I wasn’t going to just run off and sleep with them alone and exclude him, plus I just wasn’t really that interested. She had told me flat out she wasn’t really that bi and just wanted to do the whole thing FOR HIM. I’m not really that interested in giving this fantasy to some guy I have never even met. Anyhow, apparently that was all they needed to know because they stopped responding to messages after that.

So we decided to go to this hotel party and I was actually kind of excited. I was bound and determined for us to have a GOOD experience this time. I was in a good mood and ready to have fun. I spent the day beautifying myself, exercising, painting my nails, and checking out the swinger website, seeing who was signed up for the party and skimming over the profiles (well in between laundry, dishes, cleaning, paying bills and taking care of kids, but you don’t wanna hear about that). I got a zillion views and a few emails from people on there who saw I was signed up for the party but the Professor says he only got like 3 views. According to him that’s because I am listed as a single female and everyone wants that elusive “unicorn”. Probably true that they were hoping for me alone because I did get some asking me to have FMF threesomes.

During my profile skimming I noticed the Professor had been looking at mine and went over to his and was looking at his previous list of validations. He has quite a few. One of them that I looked at was a woman he has told me before that he has had sex with several times. She is part of a couple and older than me and lives near where the party was going to be. After checking out their profile I got an email that was from “her” saying that she understands the Professor wants a FMF and that she would love to have one with him and me. I laughed out loud and texted him to ask what that was all about. He said he is always up for a FMF but that he suspects her husband is the one who sent me that. I wasn’t opposed to the idea or anything because I had just told him recently that if I am going to have one I would feel much safer doing it with HIM than with another guy because I felt I could trust him to look out for my feelings and make sure I didn’t feel left out (my only experience in bed with a guy and one other female was when I was really young and didn’t turn out so great, leaving me feeling pretty bad). So I teased him a little about it and was like “hmmmm…..” and was actually seriously considering the possibility. He said she had texted him earlier and that they keep in contact but that she and her husband were not going to be at the party.

When I arrived at the Professor’s house he was fresh out of the shower and still in a towel. We kissed and I stood there talking to him as he was getting ready to go, playing and teasing him and just generally in a happy mood. He looked so hot rubbing lotion on his naked body.

He got us both something to eat on the way and we headed out of town for the party, arriving around 9pm. One of the hosts had texted me to say things were a bit slow due to different groups of people being at a piano bar and a pub. Still there were quite a few folks milling around the lobby when we arrived. The pool had some kids swimming in it so people were staying out of there until it cleared out. Supposedly it was reserved for the party but families had shown up anyway and no one told them to get out of the pool. We’d already been warned that we had to be careful and be on good public behavior except for inside the rooms.

So in the lobby there were a lot of people talking and drinking. Most of them were in their 40’s or 50’s and I looked to be the youngest person there. I get told frequently that I look younger than I am so it seemed like an even bigger age difference than it probably actually was. In fact the night before a 20 something guy working the register at the grocery store had acted totally shocked when I said I had a 13 year old. He couldn’t believe I was old enough to have a child that age and when I told him my actual age he was like “NO WAY!!!” haha. I seriously should start telling guys I am 29 because I’d totally pass for it.

Anyhow, I was younger and thinner and more attractive than pretty much anyone there. I know that sounds conceited, and I don’t intend for it to be, just an honest assessment. Of course this meant I got a lot of attention! There were several men flirting with me. One in particular seems almost obsessed, lol. This guy looks like Burt Reynolds, haha. He’s really nice, and actually not bad for an older man (he’s like in his 50’s) but his wife clearly doesn’t like me. She’s the same woman who made a catty comment towards me at the last party about how “oh, you are MUCH prettier than he SAID you were” regarding the Professor. So that made me feel a little awkward.

There was another married guy that I had seen at the last party having sex with his wife on a mattress. She is the one who had invited the Professor to join but not me. In any case, he was fairly attractive and flirting with me a lot too. He kept telling me how badly he wants to go down on me. He was standing there talking with me and another single girl who was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive and also the professor.

Meanwhile he starts asking me if I have seen this boyfriend and says he is a HUGE black guy that has a dick “this thick” and makes a big circle with his hand. I have no clue who he is talking about so he was trying to look up the screen name. The Professor didn’t seem to like this at all and I sense he’s not liking the idea of me hooking up with another well- endowed black guy, lol.

So I step aside and am talking to this other single woman while the guys chat. She had brought me a couple of margaritas to drink and seemed pretty nice. The Professor seemed to know her somehow but she tells me that she just signed up on the swinger site a few months ago and has only been to a couple of parties. This doesn’t register right because there was some conversation between them that made it sound like they had been at a party together and as far as I know he has only been to them with ME since July, other than once when he was a few hours away.

I am wondering and ask her when she met the Professor. She says just a couple weeks ago at the Christmas party. My heart sank down to my knees. Christmas party? He and I had talked about the Christmas party but he said he wasn’t going to go. The night of he’d claimed he was hanging out with some guy friends watching a football game. I’d been kind of upset that he didn’t want to see me but didn’t want to tell him what to do. I started to feel sick. I’m looking at this woman and trying to be nice and have a conversation but I could hardly hold it up.

She stepped aside to talk to someone else and I turned to the Professor. “I didn’t know you went to the Christmas party”. “What Christmas party?” he retorted and I looked at him dead in the eye and replied “the one where she said she met you, just a couple of weeks ago”. He started making excuses and saying “oh, I just stopped by there for a little bit” and “I just needed some time alone to socialize”. You don’t go to a SWINGER party just to socialize, dipshit. I am not an idiot. Ugh.

He kept saying stuff like how he didn’t play with anyone and it was just because he needs some time to himself sometimes and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I didn’t even respond to all this bullshit. The point isn’t his reasoning, but that he LIED to me and that he is sneaking around doing stuff like going to swinger’s parties without telling me, when HE is the one who wanted an OPEN relationship where we were supposed to TELL each other everything. All I could think while he was talking is “this fool is trying to manipulate me”. None of it registered as anything worthwhile to talk about.

He had pulled me aside from the party and kept trying to get me to “talk”. I told him I am not interested in talking and he asked me if I wanted him to take me home. I said I don’t care. You can take me home or we can go back and party. At this point all you have really shown me is that you are no different than any other guy out there. He kept pulling me back and not letting me return to the party and it was really starting to grate on me. I felt numb and didn’t want to discuss things any further.

So we headed back into the party. Lots of people were talking to us and a whole bevy of men were trying to flirt with me, none of whom I was really that attracted to but I was being friendly. So was the Professor, but not near as much as usual. Mr. Burt Reynolds look alike came up and was rubbing his hard on against me and sliding his hands around my waist and slid them up to my boobs. The Professor, who was a few feet away talking to another guy, told him to stop and that was carrying things too far. So he drops his hands down and whispers that the Professor thinks he is being too aggressive with me and is that ok? I said I don’t care but he went back to just staring and complimenting.

The Other Black Guy showed up and he was indeed, quite huge, lol. This guy is 6 foot 6 and built like a linebacker. He was very dark skinned and had an accent that was obviously not American. He seemed kinda shy but took an immediate liking to me and kept giving me the eye. He was cute, though not necessarily my “type”. He and the girl he was with pulled me aside later and asked if the Professor and I would like to go up to their room with them. At that time another whole group of people, including the Burt Reynolds guy had also invited us back to their bedroom. Another guy and his wife were trying as well.

There were all these people trying to get us to sleep with them so the Professor pulled me aside and asked what I wanted to do. I said I didn’t care, I’d do whatever. He didn’t like my answer and said that’s not true that I am normally picky and he doesn’t believe that. I said, well, not tonight. Tonight I do not care which people we sleep with. I was feeling numb. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck. He wasn’t accepting my answer and complained that I hadn’t kissed him all night long. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really feel like kissing him after finding out he’s been dishonest with me.

He kept insisting I talk with him and was getting resentful of people’s interruptions of our conversation so he took me up near the main desk of the hotel and we sat on the couch. I said, okay let’s just go to the room where there are gonna be a bunch of people and see what happens. He was like “you know you can’t go in there without every guy there trying to fuck you right?” I said that’s okay, I don’t care. He said yes you do and I was like NO I don’t. Isn’t this what you want? For me to go along with whatever? He said he didn’t like it because I normally don’t act like that and I still hadn’t kissed him.

So finally we go back down and by that time (because he had kept me up there so long) half the people were gone. So we go out on the balcony and ask some people where the rooms are. Mr. Burt Reynolds is out there and comes up and holds my hands and starts to drag me away. He pulls me over near his wife who is acting grouchy and smoking a cigarette and tells us we don’t need to be standing there watching her smoke and to go back inside.

He takes me back over to the Professor, who is waiting kind of impatiently and takes me with him back to the hotel rooms. We walk into the room (227) where people are supposed to be. A woman is lying on the bed and her husband is fucking her. No one else is there. He gets up and I can see he’s got some sort of cock ring on. She asks for a drink and then I realize she is tied to the bed.

Now this is the fairly good looking guy who I had seen fucking his wife on a mattress at the last party and she had asked the Professor to join in but he declined. He’s the one who has been asking to go down on me. He starts making comments to that effect and asking me to come sit on the bed. The Professor tells him not to push me. He says he wasn’t meaning it that way and the Professor tells him he doesn’t like to push women into anything. Meanwhile he’s holding onto me with his arms around my waist and his hands interlocked with mine, so I couldn’t go sit on the bed if I wanted to. He’s telling them I am shy but I think it’s really him who wants me to himself. He had told me earlier that this guy was bi and I think it was meant to deter me from wanting to sleep with him. I had said I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as he’s wearing a condom.

At this point the wife has moved to the other bed and pulled a dress over her head but has no panties on, everything showing and a boob hanging out. She’s a little on the heavy side and the Professor had told me before she was a little bigger than what he likes in bed. She’s texting on her phone and playing around. She tells me I should fuck her husband and let him go down on me, that he’s really good at it. He comes and whispers in my ear that he will be really disappointed if he doesn’t get the chance.

In comes another woman and a couple of men. This woman had just been fucking a couple earlier that her husband told us he wasn’t interested in. He said they were mad at him for not joining in but he just wasn’t attracted to them. He also says that Mr. Burt Reynolds and his wife are fighting. I hope it has nothing to do with me.

So his wife gets on the bed and starts sucking the guy with a cock ring’s dick. He also has a couple of piercings on the head of his penis. People are discussing that and she is saying how she likes to say hello by sucking someone’s dick. The texting wife is talking about how sometimes her husband lasts for hours when he fucks people. She asks the other guys who they are and they claim they just walked in off the street and we are all laughing until they admit that was a joke and they are from the swinger site as well.

In walks the huge black man and his girlfriend. They come over and stand near us and he keeps looking over at me. The texting wife and the husband of the woman who is now on the bed fucking her husband get into a mock argument and then she starts sucking his dick. He made a comment about how that finally shut her up and she pulls back and tells him if he keeps talking like that his dick is gonna just be hanging there. They argue for a bit more and she starts sucking him again.

The Professor still has a pretty tight grip on me. The wife who had been texting but is now sucking a guys dick pulls away and yells that anyone whose dick or pussy is not out needs to get the hell out of her room. So the other woman (they work together and she is actually her boss) gets on the bed and is sucking another random guy off. The big black man is taking pictures with his cell phone but he stays clothed. I’m not liking the pushy vibe and don’t want to have sex with most of the men in the room though there are two “maybe’s” (the good looking husband of the first woman and the tall black man). The Professor takes me out of the room and says he thinks that woman is too bitchy.

We decide it’s time to leave the party and on the way out there is a group of people that we stop and talk to. One of them is the woman who doesn’t like me. She is kind of aggressively flirting with the Professor and standing by him and touching but he is holding onto my hands. We chat for a bit and then head out.

On the way home we talked a little about the party before I finally bring up the Christmas party thing again. He says everyone makes mistakes and keeps making excuses for his behavior and how he didn’t want to hurt me. I look out the window trying to blink away tears and don’t talk much at all. When we get closer I ask him to drop me off at my house and he reminds me that my vehicle is at his place. So when we arrive I get my stuff and get in and he is standing in the door asking me if I am just going to leave and I say yes. He looks like he wants to cry but I just head home, where I completely break down in tears before getting up to get ready for bed.

The next morning he texted and asked why I would stay at the party if I didn’t want to spend time with him. I didn’t answer. I set to writing this blog and he showed up at my door and knocked but I ignored him. He texted again saying he thought I was being unfair not letting him even talk to me. I explained that I didn’t want to talk because he hurt me and I can’t have an “open” relationship with someone who is gonna be dishonest. He said I actually seemed like I wanted to touch him again at the end of the party and then he felt like I got mad again and I explained that I was just numb and trying to gloss over my feelings until I could make it home to cry. He asks again for me to talk to him and to come by his house and I say I can’t because I am in my pj’s.

He says if I don’t come by then he will know that I never want to see him again. I text “well, I don’t so I’ll just tell you that flat out. I’ve lost trust in you and it will never work that way. The End.” He said “wow, so youre going to break up over text messaging, really?” and I said “break up what? According to you we were just fwb anyway”.

Finally he comes by my house again. I let him in and he talked to me and said basically all the same stuff. Excuses and justifications. I told him repeatedly there is no way I can have an open relationship without trust and this makes me question everything he tells me now and that just isn’t gonna work out. He still hasn’t given an actual APOLOGY, though he said “everyone makes mistakes” and that this let him know he needs to tell me stuff in the future (as if that hadn’t been established before). I ask if he told the married woman he was going to that party and he was like “why is that important?” which lets me know he did. That makes it even worse.

He tried to hug me a few times and wrapped his arms around me and just looked like he was about to cry and said he cares about me and that’s why he was trying to avoid hurting me. Then he walked away and said well, it’s up to you now. I let him go and didn’t say a word. Now he’s texting me again and it says “I’m gonna miss you :(”.

I don’t know. The truth is I really doubt my ability to trust him now. He let me down. He’s not the honest, truthful guy I thought I’d met and who would be open and real with me. I have feelings for him, am falling in love even, but I know without trust we can’t have anything, especially a swinging, poly type relationship because that takes a huge EXTRA amount of trust in a person. Yes I craved his touch when he was here and wanted to make up but I just don’t know if I can. Every time I start to think of him sexually my mind just stops and I feel pain instead of being turned on. Maybe we will make up eventually, but how can it ever be the same? I have no idea now if he’s been lying to me about other things, like how often he sees this married woman or anything else. It’s all the deception I thought could be avoided by being “open”. I’m crushed. 😦