Tag Archive | trust

50 Shades of Red

I am blushing so hotly right now.  I’m about to do something I never thought I’d do. I am going to allow one of the guys I am fucking to read my blog.  He’ll have the key to the window of my deepest inner thoughts.

As all of my regular readers know, I post a LOT of intimate information and private things here.  I make a point of being as real and emotionally honest as possible.  Him reading is not going to change that, so he is going to have to decide for himself whether or not it is something he can handle.  I think for a lot of guys it would be too much to digest and they might want to close the window after taking a little peek.

If any man I know CAN handle this though, it’s Mr. Firm (have fun figuring out why I call you that, lmao).  He’s proven to be one of the most sexually open and nonjudgmental men I’ve yet to meet.  He’s cool, calm and collected and hasn’t flipped out or seemed threatened over the stuff I’ve already told him.  Most especially, he doesn’t seem to apply the double standard that so many men do. I love that.

So, if he doesn’t mind reading about things like my fuck buddy’s dick size or my thoughts about possible gangbangs with him and his friends (lmfao, I am sure you will enjoy that post), or learning about what exactly I did and thought at that last party after he left the scene, in gruesome detail, well, then here you have it! 

This should be fun and I admit to being a little bit turned on by being exposed like this, but I’m also WAY nervous, haha!  I’ve never let anyone I know in real life see my blog and a whole nother side of what goes on in my head, besides what I do with my body.  I’m going to be picturing him reading this, staring at me with that intense passion that he has during sex.  I’ve never had a guy look at me like that.  Sometimes I can barely return his gaze, it’s so dominant and unwavering, makes me feel like he is piercing my soul.  I’m almost afraid I’m not going to be able to look him in the eye ever again, haha.

It reminds me of back in middle school, when I had my first official “boyfriend”.  He was a nice looking, shorter than me (hey, we were in middle school, give the guy a break, 😉 ), Italian guy with dark hair and eyes.  We’d spent a lot of time flirting with each other in class before he ever asked me out.  He asked over the phone and we spent hours talking.  Then, after it was official, and everyone knew we were going out, I’d see him at school and suddenly, even him walking down the other side of the hallway, was sooo mortifying that I had to duck into the bathroom with all my girlfriends to hide.  I was too afraid to talk to him face to face!  Lmao!  Obviously that relationship didn’t last long. Ha!

Anyhow, I feel like someone is about to read my diary.  I want to crawl through the floor.  My “crush” has found me out!  (I do talk about him an awful lot, lol, he may be surprised).  I THINK he knows that my feelings are harmless, since I’m not intending to take them anywhere and know full well he is happy in his situation, which I am not trying to change. 

Yet, I want him to see it.  He’s the only guy that has expressed a REAL interest in reading what I have to say, even though others have heard I have a blog.  I trust him, as unusual as that may be, for me.  He’s shown again and again that he means what he says, and here is what he said, verbatim:  “I’m sure even if I thought whoa about what ever you have written, I’m not givin up the great sex. Fuck that.  Lmfao”.  Haha, I’m gonna hold him to that because I don’t want to give it up either!!  😀

So here goes…. I am off to go hide my face somewhere, after I give him the link!  LMAO!  Enjoy!! 😉 🙂

 

 

Sinking low

drowning

I’ve been having a hard time even bringing myself to update my blog lately.  I think the depression stage of getting over a breakup has been hitting me hard.  Not to mention anything that reeks of “depression” TERRIFIES me. 

Realize that I am the daughter of a woman with depression so severe that she has gone to the point of near death by suicide twice, and you might understand why.  I would do virtually ANYTHING to avoid feeling “depressed” and sometimes behave recklessly rather than allow myself to wallow.  It took me less than 3 weeks to contract a freaking STD after the way things ended with the Professor and I’m trying not to be like that, but it vacillates. 

I keep going back and forth between anger and tears.  For a while things were falling apart at home. I couldn’t get things done and my daily routine completely flew out the window.  I’ve gained weight; my sleep schedule has been crazy. I feel like I can’t function.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do. 😦

This past weekend I went home to visit for my brother’s graduation.  My period not only started late and interfered with things but wanted to hang on, causing spotting and me feeling like a bloated balloon all through the time I could have met with the married guy or the one I had the affair with. 

I talked with both of them but we ended up not getting together.  Partly due to my period, and partly due to other factors but I just didn’t have the motivation to make it work.  Instead I hung out with my siblings and family.  Of course, I enjoyed that but for me not to be that excited about sex with these guys is HUGE.  It is so not like me at all to be apathetic about sex and most especially when it’s with someone that is the best of my life or that I’ve been emotionally so into in the past.

I’ve been so despondent.  Things with the Professor hurt me a lot more than I would have thought and I think I liked/loved him a lot more than I even wanted to admit to myself.  I am emotionally just CRUSHED that things turned out the way they did and still so confused as to why.  I feel like all the life has been sucked out of my body.

Somehow I’ve been managing to get through the days, mostly not breaking down until I’m lying in my bed at night.  Then I just sob my heart out.  I’ve been staying up really late, I think to avoid having to face the thoughts in my mind when I’m alone in bed.  Then I get woken up early by the kids and I just look a hot mess.

My sister did my hair yesterday and that has been helping me feel a little better.  I had her brighten it up a bit with warmer tones and I love it.  It’s sort of a coppery brown with golden highlights, which is closer to the natural state of my hair as a kid.  We’d been trying to avoid the natural reddish undertones that my hair tends to pull beforehand but I think it looks much better when I let them shine and brightens up my face and goes better with my green eyes. 

So it has been cheering me up a bit and I came home and got quite a bit done yesterday after unpacking.  Oh, and my grandma gave me some natural supplements that are supposed to help with weight loss.  It’s really just the 15 lbs or so that I keep losing then gaining back but I want to get rid of it for good.  I’ve never tried dieting really or pills but maybe these will help and they are natural so we will see.  I work out several days a week and take my Zumba and pole dancing classes and stuff, but right now it doesn’t seem to be helping. 

My diet has admittedly suffered though these past few weeks.  Then of course, I’ve had bloating from my menstrual cycle.  I dropped off like 5 lbs this morning from yesterday so that is going down and helping me feel a little better too. I do tend to hit a depressed state that time of the month and gain some water weight which makes me feel like crap.

I keep wanting to say I’m on my way to getting over this but I’m really not sure.  There are days when I feel like I am doing better but then nighttime falls and I am a wreck.  Ugh.

I’m still not lacking for men that want to talk to me.  There is a swinger guy I may or may not meet with next weekend and my fuck buddy texted to ask where I’ve been and says he misses me.  The married man says his wife will be out of town soon and the guy I had the affair with was really disappointed that we missed each other.  Then there is that guy I kissed awhile back who gave me the flowers.  He’s been emailing me again.  Oh, and I got a text from the guy with the small dick (I should probably think up a nicer way to refer to him, lol) wanting to see me this weekend too.  Plus there’s this other guy who just got married, but has been talking about flying me out to see him for quite a while.  Lots of prospects, just need to get over this pesky broken heart. :p

The guy I had the affair with has been kind of cracking me up.  His texts are interesting.  He’s gone back to being really possessive lately, even though we haven’t seen each other in like 6 months and rarely talk.  Out of the blue he’s telling me I’m his and he doesn’t want to share.  I just sort of laughed it off and he was like “Lovergirl, I’m serious”.  I’m not sure how to take that.  I used to love his possessive attitude towards me but right now it seems so far removed.  I had said if he wanted it to be his he was going to have to come get it (meaning get your butt down here soon, lol) and he said “I am going to come get it!! And I’d better not find out someone else is getting it or there will be problems”.  What??  Men, I swear they are so weird sometimes.  Why would he act territorial NOW, when we’ve not been an item for a long time?

Anyhow, I’m trying not to think too much about what the Professor has been up to.  Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to me or he would.  It has been over four weeks now since we’ve spoken to one another.  He seems perpetually always signed on to the swinger site but I think it’s always been like that.  He was on my “friends” list there so I’m used to seeing his name as “online”.  I think it must just mean his phone is on or something.  I try to stay away from his profile, his house, anything like that, no matter how tempting it is to look.  Everything about thinking about him makes me feel so disappointed and hurt. 

Who knows?  Maybe he’s spending all his free time with that married woman now or playing with whomever off the swinger site.  I guess I know one thing for sure and that’s that he never really cared that much about me or the friendship in the way he pretended to.  He’s never even bothered to check and see how things are going with all the stressful stuff he knew was happening here at my house with my oldest child. 

This really isn’t doing much to help my trust towards men in general.  I feel betrayed because he ACTED like someone who really liked me but then just turned on me and disappeared when it didn’t fit his agenda.  I don’t understand why, if he just wanted to be FWB, he would do all that stuff for me and get involved in my daily life and act like I meant something to him.  They always say you can judge a man’s feelings more by his actions than his words but in this case I guess I should have been listening to his words and ignoring the actions.  I’d much rather he never have done all that stuff and given me hope if he didn’t mean it.  :/

 

 

 

 

When being open isn’t enough

tears

So remember the Professor? The guy I was in an “open” relationship with? The one I kept saying I liked so much because above all else he was HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY? Yeah, well, it turns out he’s a big, fat, LIAR. I am so disappointed, crushed and totally let down. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like I’ve ever met or been in a relationship with a guy in my life who DIDN’T turn out to be a big liar, but the fantasy that they are out there was a nice one.

Last night we went to another swinger party. This one was at a hotel. It was not a technical “hotel takeover” but there were something like 75-100 people at this place, in a tourist town that is not too far away from where we live. There were a bunch of rooms reserved at the back of the hotel specifically for the swinger party and a lot of people stayed the whole weekend and hung out socializing in the pool and lobby areas. Groups of people also were going out to bars and such in town, so not everyone was there at once.

The Professor and I didn’t sign up until Saturday, since we hadn’t gotten a response back from the Latino couple we have been emailing with for this weekend and the party was Plan B. That couple had made it pretty clear to me that they were interested in a FMF with me more than anything so I told them straight up that I was not ready for that and would be happy to meet them with the Professor but wasn’t interested in going at it alone at this point. He’s the one who told them about me, thinking we would swap as a COUPLE so I wasn’t going to just run off and sleep with them alone and exclude him, plus I just wasn’t really that interested. She had told me flat out she wasn’t really that bi and just wanted to do the whole thing FOR HIM. I’m not really that interested in giving this fantasy to some guy I have never even met. Anyhow, apparently that was all they needed to know because they stopped responding to messages after that.

So we decided to go to this hotel party and I was actually kind of excited. I was bound and determined for us to have a GOOD experience this time. I was in a good mood and ready to have fun. I spent the day beautifying myself, exercising, painting my nails, and checking out the swinger website, seeing who was signed up for the party and skimming over the profiles (well in between laundry, dishes, cleaning, paying bills and taking care of kids, but you don’t wanna hear about that). I got a zillion views and a few emails from people on there who saw I was signed up for the party but the Professor says he only got like 3 views. According to him that’s because I am listed as a single female and everyone wants that elusive “unicorn”. Probably true that they were hoping for me alone because I did get some asking me to have FMF threesomes.

During my profile skimming I noticed the Professor had been looking at mine and went over to his and was looking at his previous list of validations. He has quite a few. One of them that I looked at was a woman he has told me before that he has had sex with several times. She is part of a couple and older than me and lives near where the party was going to be. After checking out their profile I got an email that was from “her” saying that she understands the Professor wants a FMF and that she would love to have one with him and me. I laughed out loud and texted him to ask what that was all about. He said he is always up for a FMF but that he suspects her husband is the one who sent me that. I wasn’t opposed to the idea or anything because I had just told him recently that if I am going to have one I would feel much safer doing it with HIM than with another guy because I felt I could trust him to look out for my feelings and make sure I didn’t feel left out (my only experience in bed with a guy and one other female was when I was really young and didn’t turn out so great, leaving me feeling pretty bad). So I teased him a little about it and was like “hmmmm…..” and was actually seriously considering the possibility. He said she had texted him earlier and that they keep in contact but that she and her husband were not going to be at the party.

When I arrived at the Professor’s house he was fresh out of the shower and still in a towel. We kissed and I stood there talking to him as he was getting ready to go, playing and teasing him and just generally in a happy mood. He looked so hot rubbing lotion on his naked body.

He got us both something to eat on the way and we headed out of town for the party, arriving around 9pm. One of the hosts had texted me to say things were a bit slow due to different groups of people being at a piano bar and a pub. Still there were quite a few folks milling around the lobby when we arrived. The pool had some kids swimming in it so people were staying out of there until it cleared out. Supposedly it was reserved for the party but families had shown up anyway and no one told them to get out of the pool. We’d already been warned that we had to be careful and be on good public behavior except for inside the rooms.

So in the lobby there were a lot of people talking and drinking. Most of them were in their 40’s or 50’s and I looked to be the youngest person there. I get told frequently that I look younger than I am so it seemed like an even bigger age difference than it probably actually was. In fact the night before a 20 something guy working the register at the grocery store had acted totally shocked when I said I had a 13 year old. He couldn’t believe I was old enough to have a child that age and when I told him my actual age he was like “NO WAY!!!” haha. I seriously should start telling guys I am 29 because I’d totally pass for it.

Anyhow, I was younger and thinner and more attractive than pretty much anyone there. I know that sounds conceited, and I don’t intend for it to be, just an honest assessment. Of course this meant I got a lot of attention! There were several men flirting with me. One in particular seems almost obsessed, lol. This guy looks like Burt Reynolds, haha. He’s really nice, and actually not bad for an older man (he’s like in his 50’s) but his wife clearly doesn’t like me. She’s the same woman who made a catty comment towards me at the last party about how “oh, you are MUCH prettier than he SAID you were” regarding the Professor. So that made me feel a little awkward.

There was another married guy that I had seen at the last party having sex with his wife on a mattress. She is the one who had invited the Professor to join but not me. In any case, he was fairly attractive and flirting with me a lot too. He kept telling me how badly he wants to go down on me. He was standing there talking with me and another single girl who was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive and also the professor.

Meanwhile he starts asking me if I have seen this boyfriend and says he is a HUGE black guy that has a dick “this thick” and makes a big circle with his hand. I have no clue who he is talking about so he was trying to look up the screen name. The Professor didn’t seem to like this at all and I sense he’s not liking the idea of me hooking up with another well- endowed black guy, lol.

So I step aside and am talking to this other single woman while the guys chat. She had brought me a couple of margaritas to drink and seemed pretty nice. The Professor seemed to know her somehow but she tells me that she just signed up on the swinger site a few months ago and has only been to a couple of parties. This doesn’t register right because there was some conversation between them that made it sound like they had been at a party together and as far as I know he has only been to them with ME since July, other than once when he was a few hours away.

I am wondering and ask her when she met the Professor. She says just a couple weeks ago at the Christmas party. My heart sank down to my knees. Christmas party? He and I had talked about the Christmas party but he said he wasn’t going to go. The night of he’d claimed he was hanging out with some guy friends watching a football game. I’d been kind of upset that he didn’t want to see me but didn’t want to tell him what to do. I started to feel sick. I’m looking at this woman and trying to be nice and have a conversation but I could hardly hold it up.

She stepped aside to talk to someone else and I turned to the Professor. “I didn’t know you went to the Christmas party”. “What Christmas party?” he retorted and I looked at him dead in the eye and replied “the one where she said she met you, just a couple of weeks ago”. He started making excuses and saying “oh, I just stopped by there for a little bit” and “I just needed some time alone to socialize”. You don’t go to a SWINGER party just to socialize, dipshit. I am not an idiot. Ugh.

He kept saying stuff like how he didn’t play with anyone and it was just because he needs some time to himself sometimes and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I didn’t even respond to all this bullshit. The point isn’t his reasoning, but that he LIED to me and that he is sneaking around doing stuff like going to swinger’s parties without telling me, when HE is the one who wanted an OPEN relationship where we were supposed to TELL each other everything. All I could think while he was talking is “this fool is trying to manipulate me”. None of it registered as anything worthwhile to talk about.

He had pulled me aside from the party and kept trying to get me to “talk”. I told him I am not interested in talking and he asked me if I wanted him to take me home. I said I don’t care. You can take me home or we can go back and party. At this point all you have really shown me is that you are no different than any other guy out there. He kept pulling me back and not letting me return to the party and it was really starting to grate on me. I felt numb and didn’t want to discuss things any further.

So we headed back into the party. Lots of people were talking to us and a whole bevy of men were trying to flirt with me, none of whom I was really that attracted to but I was being friendly. So was the Professor, but not near as much as usual. Mr. Burt Reynolds look alike came up and was rubbing his hard on against me and sliding his hands around my waist and slid them up to my boobs. The Professor, who was a few feet away talking to another guy, told him to stop and that was carrying things too far. So he drops his hands down and whispers that the Professor thinks he is being too aggressive with me and is that ok? I said I don’t care but he went back to just staring and complimenting.

The Other Black Guy showed up and he was indeed, quite huge, lol. This guy is 6 foot 6 and built like a linebacker. He was very dark skinned and had an accent that was obviously not American. He seemed kinda shy but took an immediate liking to me and kept giving me the eye. He was cute, though not necessarily my “type”. He and the girl he was with pulled me aside later and asked if the Professor and I would like to go up to their room with them. At that time another whole group of people, including the Burt Reynolds guy had also invited us back to their bedroom. Another guy and his wife were trying as well.

There were all these people trying to get us to sleep with them so the Professor pulled me aside and asked what I wanted to do. I said I didn’t care, I’d do whatever. He didn’t like my answer and said that’s not true that I am normally picky and he doesn’t believe that. I said, well, not tonight. Tonight I do not care which people we sleep with. I was feeling numb. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck. He wasn’t accepting my answer and complained that I hadn’t kissed him all night long. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really feel like kissing him after finding out he’s been dishonest with me.

He kept insisting I talk with him and was getting resentful of people’s interruptions of our conversation so he took me up near the main desk of the hotel and we sat on the couch. I said, okay let’s just go to the room where there are gonna be a bunch of people and see what happens. He was like “you know you can’t go in there without every guy there trying to fuck you right?” I said that’s okay, I don’t care. He said yes you do and I was like NO I don’t. Isn’t this what you want? For me to go along with whatever? He said he didn’t like it because I normally don’t act like that and I still hadn’t kissed him.

So finally we go back down and by that time (because he had kept me up there so long) half the people were gone. So we go out on the balcony and ask some people where the rooms are. Mr. Burt Reynolds is out there and comes up and holds my hands and starts to drag me away. He pulls me over near his wife who is acting grouchy and smoking a cigarette and tells us we don’t need to be standing there watching her smoke and to go back inside.

He takes me back over to the Professor, who is waiting kind of impatiently and takes me with him back to the hotel rooms. We walk into the room (227) where people are supposed to be. A woman is lying on the bed and her husband is fucking her. No one else is there. He gets up and I can see he’s got some sort of cock ring on. She asks for a drink and then I realize she is tied to the bed.

Now this is the fairly good looking guy who I had seen fucking his wife on a mattress at the last party and she had asked the Professor to join in but he declined. He’s the one who has been asking to go down on me. He starts making comments to that effect and asking me to come sit on the bed. The Professor tells him not to push me. He says he wasn’t meaning it that way and the Professor tells him he doesn’t like to push women into anything. Meanwhile he’s holding onto me with his arms around my waist and his hands interlocked with mine, so I couldn’t go sit on the bed if I wanted to. He’s telling them I am shy but I think it’s really him who wants me to himself. He had told me earlier that this guy was bi and I think it was meant to deter me from wanting to sleep with him. I had said I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as he’s wearing a condom.

At this point the wife has moved to the other bed and pulled a dress over her head but has no panties on, everything showing and a boob hanging out. She’s a little on the heavy side and the Professor had told me before she was a little bigger than what he likes in bed. She’s texting on her phone and playing around. She tells me I should fuck her husband and let him go down on me, that he’s really good at it. He comes and whispers in my ear that he will be really disappointed if he doesn’t get the chance.

In comes another woman and a couple of men. This woman had just been fucking a couple earlier that her husband told us he wasn’t interested in. He said they were mad at him for not joining in but he just wasn’t attracted to them. He also says that Mr. Burt Reynolds and his wife are fighting. I hope it has nothing to do with me.

So his wife gets on the bed and starts sucking the guy with a cock ring’s dick. He also has a couple of piercings on the head of his penis. People are discussing that and she is saying how she likes to say hello by sucking someone’s dick. The texting wife is talking about how sometimes her husband lasts for hours when he fucks people. She asks the other guys who they are and they claim they just walked in off the street and we are all laughing until they admit that was a joke and they are from the swinger site as well.

In walks the huge black man and his girlfriend. They come over and stand near us and he keeps looking over at me. The texting wife and the husband of the woman who is now on the bed fucking her husband get into a mock argument and then she starts sucking his dick. He made a comment about how that finally shut her up and she pulls back and tells him if he keeps talking like that his dick is gonna just be hanging there. They argue for a bit more and she starts sucking him again.

The Professor still has a pretty tight grip on me. The wife who had been texting but is now sucking a guys dick pulls away and yells that anyone whose dick or pussy is not out needs to get the hell out of her room. So the other woman (they work together and she is actually her boss) gets on the bed and is sucking another random guy off. The big black man is taking pictures with his cell phone but he stays clothed. I’m not liking the pushy vibe and don’t want to have sex with most of the men in the room though there are two “maybe’s” (the good looking husband of the first woman and the tall black man). The Professor takes me out of the room and says he thinks that woman is too bitchy.

We decide it’s time to leave the party and on the way out there is a group of people that we stop and talk to. One of them is the woman who doesn’t like me. She is kind of aggressively flirting with the Professor and standing by him and touching but he is holding onto my hands. We chat for a bit and then head out.

On the way home we talked a little about the party before I finally bring up the Christmas party thing again. He says everyone makes mistakes and keeps making excuses for his behavior and how he didn’t want to hurt me. I look out the window trying to blink away tears and don’t talk much at all. When we get closer I ask him to drop me off at my house and he reminds me that my vehicle is at his place. So when we arrive I get my stuff and get in and he is standing in the door asking me if I am just going to leave and I say yes. He looks like he wants to cry but I just head home, where I completely break down in tears before getting up to get ready for bed.

The next morning he texted and asked why I would stay at the party if I didn’t want to spend time with him. I didn’t answer. I set to writing this blog and he showed up at my door and knocked but I ignored him. He texted again saying he thought I was being unfair not letting him even talk to me. I explained that I didn’t want to talk because he hurt me and I can’t have an “open” relationship with someone who is gonna be dishonest. He said I actually seemed like I wanted to touch him again at the end of the party and then he felt like I got mad again and I explained that I was just numb and trying to gloss over my feelings until I could make it home to cry. He asks again for me to talk to him and to come by his house and I say I can’t because I am in my pj’s.

He says if I don’t come by then he will know that I never want to see him again. I text “well, I don’t so I’ll just tell you that flat out. I’ve lost trust in you and it will never work that way. The End.” He said “wow, so youre going to break up over text messaging, really?” and I said “break up what? According to you we were just fwb anyway”.

Finally he comes by my house again. I let him in and he talked to me and said basically all the same stuff. Excuses and justifications. I told him repeatedly there is no way I can have an open relationship without trust and this makes me question everything he tells me now and that just isn’t gonna work out. He still hasn’t given an actual APOLOGY, though he said “everyone makes mistakes” and that this let him know he needs to tell me stuff in the future (as if that hadn’t been established before). I ask if he told the married woman he was going to that party and he was like “why is that important?” which lets me know he did. That makes it even worse.

He tried to hug me a few times and wrapped his arms around me and just looked like he was about to cry and said he cares about me and that’s why he was trying to avoid hurting me. Then he walked away and said well, it’s up to you now. I let him go and didn’t say a word. Now he’s texting me again and it says “I’m gonna miss you :(”.

I don’t know. The truth is I really doubt my ability to trust him now. He let me down. He’s not the honest, truthful guy I thought I’d met and who would be open and real with me. I have feelings for him, am falling in love even, but I know without trust we can’t have anything, especially a swinging, poly type relationship because that takes a huge EXTRA amount of trust in a person. Yes I craved his touch when he was here and wanted to make up but I just don’t know if I can. Every time I start to think of him sexually my mind just stops and I feel pain instead of being turned on. Maybe we will make up eventually, but how can it ever be the same? I have no idea now if he’s been lying to me about other things, like how often he sees this married woman or anything else. It’s all the deception I thought could be avoided by being “open”. I’m crushed. 😦

Men, they just don’t get it…and territorial, competitive, women

I don’t want to be a man hater. I really don’t. I want so much to be able to love and trust men, without fear. It seems like I am always hopeful, always looking for the best in every guy that I have a relationship with. Yet every time, every freaking time, they disappoint.

Once, the guy I had an affair with got an earful from me that had something to do with how frustrating I found both men and computers. I said anything else I can understand, be patient with and handle. Like I can handle a bunch of small children, but give me a man or a computer and I am fucked (heh, no pun intended, but…). His response was “that’s because you expect men and computers to be perfect, and they’re not”.

Okay, I had to mull over that one for a bit, because I think it’s true. My expectations regarding the male species are pretty darn high. I don’t think it’s just me either. Women, in general, seem to want the impossible out of men, at least in comparison to what they are actually like in reality. It’s like sheesh, can’t you just read my mind and do things exactly the way I want you to? That would make it sooo much easier, seriously, thanks in advance.

For real though, why does it have to be so hard? Why do men and women have such a difficult time communicating and meeting one another’s needs? It’s like all the relationship books and theories in the world just don’t cut it in real life. We STILL can’t get along! Not even when all the “experts” spell it out for us in detail.

When I first got married someone gave me the book “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”. I wanted to read it but my ex- husband railed about how bad secular psychology was and how the only psychology book we needed was the Bible, so I put it in a box in the attic. Years later, when we were going through our divorce (and after having read quite a few marriage and relationship books from a Christian perspective in addition to the Bible), I found it and read it. Lots of interesting advice that seemed like it would help with some men, but almost totally useless when it came to the ex because he didn’t seem like the typical male at all in his attitude or patterns of behavior.

I was having my affair at the time though and actually did find some of the information helpful during our arguments because he and I seemed to pretty well fit the typical male/female types. I wouldn’t agree with all of the advice and some of it was corny, but the idea of men being like rubber bands and needing to go into their caves was eye opening for me and helped me to understand and give more space. So there was some good advice as far as understanding men and their general weirdness.

Men are always complaining about how complex and confusing women are. No dudes, it’s not us, it’s YOU, lol. Sometimes the things you do and say just make NO sense whatsoever!

Anyway, what I’m getting to is that the Professor and I are having some issues. 😦 I am broken and I don’t know what to do. I hate that having feelings for someone seems to make things so much more complicated.

Actually, I’d been thinking for a while about writing some POSITIVE things about him. He’s been really wonderful to me in ways no other guy really ever has in my life and I am most definitely falling harder than I would like for this man. Harder than I would like because having FEELINGS starts to stress me out. Everything stops being so simple when you get vulnerable with a person.

I feel like overall things with us have been GREAT, really. I adore the heck out of him and have opened up and trust him more and more all the time. He talks to me too. We are supposed to be open about our sexual activity and I THINK he is telling me when he is with other women. I know on my end I have been completely honest as far as what I am doing and with whom. It was his idea to tell each other things and I’ve been happy because I just felt like he was being real with me and it took away a lot of the worry I have had in other relationships.

I’m not saying the poly thing is easy, for either of us really. He gets upset when I sleep with other men. Not angry with me, but he admits that it affects him emotionally. He won’t sleep with me on the same day that I have been with someone else (unless we are swinging together) and it takes him a bit to “get over” it afterwards, which leaves me feeling kind of guilty. I hate to hurt him in any way because I really like him. For that reason and because of his cancer scare, I had cut back quite a bit on meeting with other guys. I wanted to take away as much of his stress and worry as possible. I decided no NEW men until the coast was clear. Thankfully he didn’t have cancer but he is still on meds for an inflamed prostate and slowed down his outside activities so I have still been holding back a bit.

So the past couple months he hasn’t been with anyone else but me. At least that’s what he’s saying and we are supposed to tell each other. Me, on the other hand, I have been with my fuck buddy a couple of times and once with Mr. Former Affair guy. The rest of the time it’s just been the Professor. However, there is always this married woman that is in love with him long distance lurking in the background. I have to keep reminding myself of that because it’s so easy to forget and want to start getting comfortable with the idea that he is MINE.

I’m not too fond of this married woman. It seems, from my end, that she makes attempts at sabotaging the relationship I have with the Professor whenever she gets a chance. She was around six months before me and according to the Professor was having a hard time with me being in his life. He claimed, at least in the beginning, that she was more in love with him than vice versa. She’s a decade older than the Professor (so almost 20 years older than me), rich, and has been married for a long time. I guess she isn’t in love with her husband and he still “allows” her to come visit once a month or so and stay for a few days at a time. She has a key to his apartment (which I strongly resent) and is attractive despite her age (I’ve seen pics on the swinger site).

The first weekend, after he and I were seeing each other, that she came down, he completely disappeared and I was pretty hurt. He didn’t text or anything and I took it to mean he was through and didn’t want to see me again. He later said he couldn’t contact me because she was so upset about some guy standing her up that she spent the entire weekend in tears, needing his comfort. What a pathetic sounding manipulative strategy for hogging his attention. EYEROLL.

On subsequent visits we have had different issues. For example, she randomly decided to make a trip down here on my birthday weekend, when he and I were supposed to be spending time together. I was crushed. Once she came down for a set amount of days and then decided to stay an extra day, on a day he was supposed to be coming over to MY house for dinner, causing him to stand me up. I was not happy. Of course I was angry with HIM all those times because I felt he could put some limits on her obnoxious, disrespectful behavior, and he hasn’t. He doesn’t seem to see the manipulative side of it all. When I try to point it out he seems to blame ME for saying anything, which is upsetting and leads me to wonder if he is more in love with her than he is willing to admit. He CLAIMS to see neither of us as “above” the other but I sometimes have my doubts.

Anyhow HE recently had a birthday. He wanted to spend a day on the weekend before with me and I had made him a naughty video of myself which I gave to him then. We weren’t able to go out though because I got out of the house so late after problems getting my kids to their dads. We ended up hanging out at his house and having hot sex which was fun, but I felt bad that I couldn’t do more for him. He knows I am broke though and he claimed to be busy with work and coaching the rest of the week.

So on the day of his actual birthday, I left some homemade cookies on the doorstep while he was supposed to be at a meeting at work. He took an unusually long time to mention that he had seen my present and then finally texts claiming his “sister” had driven down to see him, from a city a few hours away, as a surprise. That sounded pretty suspect. I mean, his sister just randomly shows up, in the middle of a work week, from that far away, without letting him know? Without maybe checking to see if he was gonna spend it with someone else? Um…. It did however, sound like something his favorite married woman would do. She likes to randomly show up at inconvenient times and would of course want to do something for his birthday. Supposedly he hadn’t seen her for a couple of months before that.

I called him to ask if he minded me stopping by to say hi, since I was near his house anyway. He said he was at a restaurant with his “sister”. I said “you mean your sister or your married friend?” He said it was his sister and launched into some sort of excuse and I asked again, twice. He sounded like he was gonna cry so I let him go and texted to have a great birthday dinner and sorry if I was wrong. I still didn’t really believe him but I went to work out at the gym and then sat in my car afterwards mulling it over and chatting with a male friend online about what he thought. I managed to refrain from driving to his apartment to see if I could spot them or acting like a crazy stalker bitch.

Meanwhile, he calls me and he is at MY house. He wondered where I was (the gym had been closed for a bit already) and I had to rush back. He sat there and told me his sister and her boyfriend had come down but that they drove back home and we kissed and made up and all was okay, though he did ask me later where I actually was and didn’t seem to believe my story. I said I had been upset and sitting in my car outside the gym and he said that was way overthinking. Eventually he let it drop.

Okay, so LAST night we were supposed to go to this orgy party that I had discovered on Craigslist. It was an hour and a half out of town and we had to send pics to be approved because supposedly it was only good looking, in shape couples and we passed the test and were given the hotel address. So we drive all the way there and NO ONE is at the hotel room. Damn! Jerks. They didn’t even have the decency to tell us not to show up and we had rsvp’d and everything. Nice. Anyhow, I tried my best to make light of the situation and cheer him up and tease him about what we were gonna do when we got back to his place, even though it was late. We tried emailing some other couples on the drive but no luck. We ended up back at his house and had some hot one on one and I spent the night all cuddled up with him in his bed. Wonderful ending.

Only I woke up in the morning after a horrible dream about that married woman. I dreamt I got into a fight with her at his place. He had to leave to coach his team and said not to rush I could just stay in bed and lock the door when I leave.

So when I get up and go over to the dresser, where he had said to put my jewelry the night before, I can’t help but notice that my jewelry is lying on top of a brightly colored, striped notecard with a note from the married woman. It says something like “thanks Baby for a great time, sweet dreams, I miss you sooo much xoxoxoxo”, then with a message for his dog at the bottom (eyeroll). I felt sick to my stomach, but went over by his nightstand to finish putting my clothes on. In a flash I pull open the drawer where he keeps his sex toys/condoms, etc. and sure enough there is another one of those striped notecards with a little love note. In his fucking SEX drawer, so that any time he opens it he would see and think of HER. What a bitch. This HAS to be deliberate.

I should have just ripped up the stupid cards and not said anything. But no, I’m too freaking honest for my own good. I’m feeling upset about it so I feel like I NEED to verbalize that to him and tell him what I saw. I texted him that I was leaving and that I would have left a note but there was already one there. On the way out I see another similar card sticking out of a bunch of papers (you can’t miss them, they are bright as hell and I’m sure that is her intention) and yep it’s another little love note. I don’t want to see anymore but my curiosity gets the best of me. Yeah, there’s a whole fucking STACK of little love cards and Hallmark cards from her sitting next to the TV. She’s taken over the whole damn house. You’d think they were married to each other or something.

I left the house feeling flustered and awful and sick to my stomach and like I was gonna cry. She had to have been there recently because I had never noticed the card on the dresser before. How could I miss that? It was in plain sight and I know I’ve put my phone and stuff on there. I figure it wasn’t really his “sister” after all, which means he is not really someone I can trust to keep his word. I am really upset now but don’t text and have to run off to an appt with my children.

He finally responded like 2 hours later and said that it was a card that has been there forever. I made a snappy comment about it being nice of his “sister”. He said ok, we will talk later. Later, I have calmed down a bit but done some crying and decide to just be honest (dammit there I go again) and tell him that seeing it hurt me. He says it’s my own fault for being hurt. WTF? Then he accuses me of not locking his door. What? I totally made sure to do so.

This is where it all goes to pot. All I needed was for him to say something like “hey I’m really sorry you had to see that. It’s been there forever and I didn’t mean for it to hurt you” and all would be good. But no, he is a male. He can’t do that. He blames ME for having hurt feelings and gets me all upset and I tell him that if he can’t understand my feelings then I will make sure not to express them to him any further. He says he’s going to a movie and completely ignores that I am feeling bad, expresses no compassion or care whatsoever. I don’t respond. Later he texts thanks for making his bed and that he hopes my kids and I have a nice Christmas. (He had given presents for them yesterday). So I guess that implies he doesn’t want to see me again. Wonderful.

I texted back thanks for making displaying this woman’s love notes more important than my feelings. I left one last text late tonight saying thanks for the gifts my kids will love them and that I had sent him a gift he will get eventually but he may not know it was from me since I had called him Baby and signed it with xoxoxoxo. (Implying that he may think its from her…it was a gift certificate for an hour long massage at a local massage school. I had been pretty excited to get that for him because I know he has been having some joint pain and would love one and normally I couldn’t afford an hour long massage but lucked out at the school with prices). Guess it doesn’t matter anyway. Plus I’m sure he will get something much nicer from the very wealthy old lady he is sleeping with and apparently prioritizes over me. Maybe I do hate men after all.