Tag Archive | the other woman

Feeling abandoned :(

abandoned

I don’t know if I can continue on what I have with the Professor any longer.  His most recent visit with the married woman caused me a lot of hurt and not for the reasons you might think.  It was less about the fact that he was having sex with her and more about the way I felt he abandoned ME.

Things started out okay.  I knew he was going up to her city for a tournament he was coaching.  I knew there was a possibility of them sleeping together, and even of her staying the night, though the past couple of times her husband has nixed their get togethers so I wasn’t sure how likely it actually was.

The day before he left we saw each other and had great sex.  I was feeling better about things.  The next morning he came and picked me up from the auto shop where my vehicle was being repaired and surprised the kids and I with donuts.  He was like “you look cute this morning” when I got in the car but when I moved over to kiss him as he was driving he didn’t respond.  This made it where I couldn’t quite reach him and I was like “you won’t let me kiss you?”  He said it was because he was driving and he did kiss me later when I got out of the car, but that first instance set a bad feeling in my stomach because it was right before he was heading out of town and would be seeing HER.  I felt like he was starting to pull away from me.

I tried to brush it off but the image stuck in my mind.  I KNOW I have massive abandonment issues and it is something I really struggle with.  The Professor is aware of this because in times past, when the married woman came to visit him I have pretty much flipped.  Each time it’s been due to me feeling ignored and set aside due to her being there. 

It all started with the very first time she came down and he suddenly completely ignored me for THREE DAYS.  We had had sex the day before and I thought everything was so great and was totally confused and hurt by his sudden abandonment of me.  His excuse afterwards was that she was crying over some guy she didn’t even know who had stood her up and needed his attention.

 I have a hard time buying that story.  Who cries for three days over a stranger?  Maybe someone who is being manipulative and trying to keep his attention off of ME.  Or maybe she wasn’t and he was lying?  Or she’s really THAT pathetic?  In any case it made me feel pretty awful that he would treat me like that just because of her and set the whole thing off to a really bad start.

The next couple of times weren’t much better.  Once he skipped a prearranged date with me because she decided she wanted to come see him.  I was on my period but had offered to give him a great blow job and he said, as part of his reasoning that “that wouldn’t be ENOUGH for him anyway”.  Ouch. 😦

Then there was the time she came down on the weekend before my BIRTHDAY, the only time that week he and I would have been able to have a date, and when he had promised and planned to take me out and do something special.  Well, it never happened.  He chose that haggard old married bitch over me and I was NOT HAPPY.  He tried to make up for it by dropping off a bottle of wine and a cake on my doorstep on the day of my birthday and also took the kids and me out for ice cream, but yeah, that’s not quite like an ADULT date ending in sex and I haven’t really forgiven him for that. 

Another time I had invited him over for dinner and even bought steak for us to eat but she decided to stay an extra day at his house and he “forgot”.  Each time was painful for me and we got into some big arguments.  I felt like I was being treated as second best. 

What disturbed me so much was that the REST of the time, when she’s not there, he’s WONDERFUL to me, he’s like the perfect guy and I’d fall harder and harder for him and then he’d do a complete 180 when that woman came around.  It didn’t help when I found a love note she had written him sitting atop his dresser (under my jewelry, where he’d told me to put it the night before) or that when we’d first started seeing each other he’d made it out like she was just a fuck buddy, yet later admitted she was “in love” with him. I’ve written about all of this stuff before in previous posts.

He would SAY that he sees us as “equal” and doesn’t put one of us before the other, but I felt like his actions were saying otherwise.  Why would he keep dropping dates with me and letting her decide to hang around longer and all of that if he cared as much about me?  Once he even made the excuse that he has known her longer (6 months longer) as though I give a flying fuck.  That doesn’t give him a reason to put me out and it made me very angry.

He also tried to say this is just “the Lifestyle” and that he and I aren’t in a “relationship” but are just fwb.  That stung because if this isn’t a “relationship” then why does he want to text with me all day every day (and gets upset if I take a while to respond)?  Why is he buying stuff for me and my kids?  Why is he taking me to parties with him and having sex with me and taking me out on dates and making dinner for me and coming over to my place for Easter dinner?  Why does he insist that we tell each other every time we play with someone else?  Why does HE get upset each time I’m with another man and need my reassurance and talking to him afterwards?  How is that “not a relationship”?  What the hell is it then?

I don’t understand that at all.  It seems like “this is not a relationship” was just something to throw in my face to not have to deal with my emotions when he does something hurtful.  He hasn’t said it again this time but its stuck in my mind because I feel yet again abandoned and like he doesn’t care about my feelings.

We’ve had some arguments each time he was with her due to all of this.  I have told him that if we are going to do this I REALLY need his reassurance that he cares about ME before and after he sees this woman and not to be ignored because of her or put out.  That is very important to me and there is no way I can do the “open” thing without that. 

So a while back, he slept with a different woman and things actually went pretty well.  See my post Almost compersion, (but not quite). One of the big things that helped was that he finally gave me the reassurance that I was looking for and needed to be able to cope.  It helped a LOT.  I thought now, he would do that with this other woman, because he knows that I need it but nope, he STILL won’t give me that when it comes to her.

When he first got into town and checked into his hotel he sent me a picture of his hotel room.  On one hand I’m sure it was because he was thinking of me but it made me feel kind of sick because I knew that he might be playing with her in there and didn’t want to have to picture it.  It was a very nice room.  I said “I wish I could be there with you” and he was like “aww, me too”. 

We texted back and forth that night but he disappeared for a while and said he had fallen asleep.  That kind of left me wondering but I accepted it.  The next day he was pretty uncommunicative.  Part of that, I know, was because he was at the gym all day for a tournament but it ran much later than usual and even afterwards he was being really slow to text back. He said he wasn’t playing with her that night but I had some question in my mind whether or not he was telling the truth.  He talked some though here and there. I tried not to stress too much because of course he had a lot going on and COULD be really as tired as he said he was.   He said he wasn’t playing with the woman because he was exhausted.

Meanwhile, I had thrown out a Craigslist post and also communicated with my fuck buddy.  The professor had almost seemed like he WANTED me to meet up with my fuck buddy.  However fuck buddy had a couple coming over and wanted me to meet with all of them and I wasn’t liking that idea.  It is an older couple and I’ve never met them or seen a picture of the guy and didn’t want to feel obligated to fuck him.  He kept saying the woman “wanted” me but I’d only seen a picture of her from the neck down and the idea of some lady who is as old as my mom that I’ve never even met “wanting” me was a tad creepy.  I decided against it and had a lot to do here at home that day anyway, like get ready for one of my kid’s birthday parties.

The Craigslist post brought back about 50 responses before getting flagged and taken down, but while there are a couple people I’m still emailing with here and there, nothing panned out and there was no one I was super attracted to. The ones that were I suspect were guys using fake pics.

 I also responded to an add from a “couple” looking for a “couple” with pics of me and the Professor and the guy turned it all around to saying that he wanted to be with just me and the Prof as a threesome (I said he wouldn’t go for that) to saying he wanted to play with me alone (I suspect the female half of the couple didn’t actually exist) to eventually admitting he is “bi-curious” and asking me if I’d be willing to suck his dick with another man.  Oh gee, that sounds like the time of my life right?  Go suck some random guy’s dick along with another man!  :p  I didn’t take him up on his offer but in the meantime he’d been told about my fuck buddy as well and seen a pic.  He asked if fuck buddy was still interested and fuck buddy said “tell him to go kill himself”.  Nice! 

This is way off topic, but seriously if you are looking for gay sex how about just posting that instead of being a “couple” looking for a “couple”?  Novel idea?  Oh and he claimed to be biracial and sent me a pic of a biracial guy and was talking about how his “girlfriend” was into “big, black guys” but the pic he sent of his cock looked decidedly white, like very pink, and his pubic hair did not look like it belonged to a “biracial” man.  It didn’t match his “face” pic at all.

Anyway, there were some guys that were interested but no one I felt the same way about so it just wasn’t worth it to me to meet any of them just so I could be playing with someone while the Professor was.  I didn’t want to let that drive my decision making and sleep with someone I’d later regret.

 I finally just decided to focus on stuff here and have also been reading the book “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino.  I was hoping the advice in there would be able to help me get through this past weekend better, but my emotions just took over after a certain point.  The book also talks a lot about making rules and agreements.  Well, I felt like the Professor was well aware of the fact that I need some reassurance before and after, since we’d talked about it more than once and he’d also done it the last time.  I was actually feeling like, hey, I can do this.  I’m not going to stress and maybe I will meet up with someone else later in the week (though due to have my period soon so it may not be as soon as I’d like and I’m also more emotional, ugh).

So, back to the Professor.  I’d texted him a couple times the next morning and he responded though it seemed like he was mostly brushing me off.  I attributed it to the fact he had to get to the gym and had another busy day ahead of him, which is probably true.  Around 1 pm I asked how the games were going.  He didn’t respond until after 7.  He’s never gone that long without answering me, even during a tournament. 

He said he’d had a crazy day and I congratulated him and his team then asked if he had plans that night.  No response for over an hour.  Finally he texted back “yeah will have dinner with the team.  My friend will come visit with her husband but not spending the night”. 

Okay.  I’m thinking, good, she’s not sleeping over at least, that will be easier for me to deal with.  I texted back “what time is that?”.  No response until 45 minutes later, when he said “about 10”.  It was almost ten already and I had been waiting on edge for a long time.  I said “ok.  Will you tell me when she leaves?”

 He again didn’t answer for a bit and so I was starting to feel very anxious.  Like, why is he not responding to me?  He must be talking to HER and can’t be bothered with it or something.  He knows we have an agreement to tell each other this stuff!  I finally texted again and said “you’ve been ignoring me almost all day and night already”.  He said “Yes, I will.  I miss playing with you though”.

Ugh!  That really pissed me off because it sounded so trite and untrue.  There is no way you miss playing with me RIGHT BEFORE you are about to have sex with HER!  I said “no you don’t.  You’ve barely answered me all day, but whatever”.  Then I put it out on the table “I feel abandoned”, hoping he’d offer some comfort and reassurance because I was really starting to need it.  NO RESPONSE and I knew she was due to be coming there soon.

 How could he not respond when I’d just told him I felt abandoned?  I was starting to feel panic.  I know some of that is due to childhood abandonment issues and it is something that is really difficult, real, and hard for me to deal with.  Thing is he KNOWS this already due to stuff that has happened in the past.  I’ve TOLD him repeatedly that I need that extra bit of reassurance if we are going to do this and now he just ignores me?

I texted “so you’re gonna treat me like this and ignore me and make me feel awful right before she comes over instead of the reassurance I have asked for?” He texted back (20 minutes later) “No, I coached most of the day and don’t get a good signal in the gym and we played a lot”.  What the hell does his coaching all day have to do with NOW??  I’m saying I feel abandoned NOW and he is doing this to me NOW.  So I texted him back “Even since you left there you’ve been taking a really long time to reply to my texts and suddenly treating me like I’m nothing to you.  It’s the same thing you’ve done every other time she was around or you had a chance to hook up with her”.  He texted back “God, you do this to me every time” and left me hanging and feeling like shit for the next couple hours while he was fucking her.

Finally he says “ok, she’s gone”.  I didn’t respond IMMEDIATELY, so FOUR MINUTES LATER he says “I’m not doing this tonight.  I worked and coached all day and haven’t been texting much cause we didn’t have a good signal”.  Note that he expects me to return the text that fast while he takes hours.  I responded “but you had plenty of time for her”.  Obviously he’s been keeping in touch with HER and making plans with HER but can’t be bothered to give me basic respect because of her presence.  He said “No, I didn’t.  I do care about you, but I’m not doing this tonight”, again abandoning me and I haven’t heard from him since (a day and a half later). Now when I’ve had sex with someone he ALWAYS wants to talk afterwards and needs extra reassurance and sometimes I find it annoying but I’ve NEVER begrudged him that, ever.

I finally texted him back, told him” I’m not doing anything to you, I expressed feeling vulnerable and needing reassurance and comfort.  Instead you got pissy and left me hanging while you fucked someone else, thanks.“  It all went downhill from there.  He didn’t respond and I got increasingly upset and told him off pretty much for good.  I don’t think I can forgive someone who ignored me when I needed his emotional support and left me feeling abandoned when he knew that was how I already felt.

Abandonment is a terrifying feeling for me.  He already knows that I feel that way and I made myself vulnerable in trying to say “I feel vulnerable” directly and give him a chance to respond and be kind.  Instead he did the complete opposite and used abandonment in an even worse way to hurt me.  I feel horrible and like everything he ever did for me was fake.  I am so glad I never told him I was falling in love with him because clearly he doesn’t feel the way I thought he did. 

Yesterday I was so angry.  I think if I’d seen that woman I would have wanted to cause her serious harm.  I know logically that it isn’t her fault but yeah, it’s not always hard to understand how jealousy can drive people to commit crimes.  It’s a good thing I’ve never had to meet her.

  As for him, I kinda wish I’d never met him too. I’ve spent the morning today, off and on, in tears.  I know I’ll get over it and be able to move on eventually and it does help that there are other men in the picture. I don’t know if at this point I could make up with him though.  I know I cannot have an open thing with someone who isn’t willing to do his part in helping make it easier on the both of us.  I feel like I’ve been treated like shit.  Again, it’s over her.  For some reason he could give me what I needed when it came to someone else, but not her.  I don’t understand at all. 

 

 

Unchartered territory…

otherwoman

Sometimes I feel so lost with this open relationship stuff. It’s like there’s nowhere to turn when I have questions and doubts about how to handle things that just don’t come up in a traditional monogamous framework. Even a lot of the articles and materials directed at swingers are assuming that a person is coming into The Lifestyle with a serious “primary” relationship.

In my case, the Professor is sort of my primary relationship but he also has someone else, someone that was there first. Only she is married, so it’s not like they are each other’s primary relationship either. This is where the bulk of our issues reside and I find the relationship he has with this other woman the most difficult to handle.

Technically I guess we are “polyamorous,” or at least he is, because he says he has feelings for the both of us. Me, I tend towards emotional monogamy, so this is difficult for me to really understand. I’d much rather he just have feelings for ME, even if he is going to sleep with other women. Sharing someone I’ve fallen for emotionally is not easy!

When we first started out I thought of us both as single but having fun. I didn’t realize he was so entrenched in something already and that epiphany left me with a rather sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now, he will admit she is in love with him but says he is not in love with her. However, he is not saying he is “in love” with me either only admitting that he has feelings, which is pretty unspecific.

To be fair I don’t know that I am “in love” at this point either. I think I’ve retained a certain amount of guardedness due to the presence of this other woman. It’s like deep down I WANT very much to let go but because of her I am too afraid. Only, I suck at regulating and covering up my true feelings and I keep allowing myself to get more and more vulnerable, then reality hits and I snap those walls right back up again.

I think the hardest part, for me, is not KNOWING for sure how he compares and rates us in his mind. He is saying that we are equal to him but I find that hard to believe and accept. It’s like my competitive instinct goes into OVERDRIVE and I MUST be #1, at ALL COSTS, or nothing. Grrrrr…. I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s “secondary” dammit, and if that’s the case you’ve insulted my worth as a woman and I want OUT.

So my inner demons and jealousy are making me want to look for PROOF of who he’s REALLY more emotionally invested in. I’m looking for any evidence that he’s lying and she’s really his favorite and using me as the sidepiece. I KNOW it’s irrational and probably unfair, but that’s what’s bubbling under the surface.

Now, he hasn’t actually slept with her, to my knowledge, and if he is telling the truth, for over 3 months. For that matter he supposedly hasn’t with anyone but me. However, I HAVE slept with other guys, mainly my fuck buddy, but also once around Thanksgiving with the guy I had an affair with (but now haven’t talked to in quite a while). I’ve even gone on a date or two. So how come I’m even threatened by this??

I think it’s just the IDEA that they have a “love” type thing going on. It doesn’t help that I saw a note she had written to him lying on his dresser recently and stacks of cards calling him “baby” and saying how she misses him. It doesn’t help that he once texted her “goodnight” right as we were in the middle of a break during sex. It doesn’t help that when she comes down she stays for days at a time and they go out on dates together and she sleeps in his bed at night and has a key to his place. 😦 I don’t get that kind of stuff very often at all, even though a lot of it is because of my schedule and children, it still hurts.

To add insult to injury, the first weekend he ever had her down after we met he completely DISAPPEARED on me for like 3 full days. I didn’t even get a single text. I felt so abandoned and I thought it meant he was done with me forever. Turns out later that he claimed she was soooo upset over some guy standing her up that she cried and cried and needed his attention the entire time. At least that was his excuse and at the time it really pissed me off and made me feel like SHE was trying to sabotage his relationship with me and he was allowing it to happen. Who cries for days over getting stood up by someone they’ve never even met?

I’m still not entirely sure that she’s not doing things to try and cause problems for us but of course he thinks she’s innocent. Men are so blind sometimes. Leaving notes all over his house on brightly colored cards seems kind of obvious to me.

Also, on my birthday he had offered to take me out and go bowling but she decided to come down the weekend before, which made it impossible due to our weekday schedules. THAT really pissed me off. He still took my kids and I out for ice cream and dropped a bottle of wine and a cake off at my door on the actual day of but it just wasn’t the same.

Apparently she comes down whenever the hell she wants. He says her husband only lets her at certain times so he takes what he can get, but whatever. She also once decided to stay an extra day, which happened to be a day I had offered to make him dinner and he was supposed to be coming over to my place and completely forgot. He told me she was staying but apparently forgot we had previous plans. Nice. Not sure if he really forgot or if she had known and deliberately stepped over that or what. When she is not around the Professor is very attentive and thoughtful and doesn’t forget things like that so it rubs me all kinds of wrong ways.

When I have a moment of clarity and am being fair towards her or putting myself in her shoes I can understand that she would feel threatened by ME. I came along AFTER they were already in an emotional relationship and I’m nearly 20 years younger than her, live close by and don’t have a husband telling me when I can and cannot meet. He also takes me with him to swinger parties and has spent more time with me overall lately. Still, I don’t have a lot of reason to care about HER. Mostly, I feel like I want to tear her hair out… but I’m above that…I hope. :p

So last weekend the Professor happened to have a tournament he was coaching in another city, which is right near where she lives. He neglected to tell me this until Friday morning when I asked what he was doing that day. He said “I’m at work” and I’m thinking well, duh, and said “no, I mean tonight”. He then mentions that he has a tournament that weekend and finally that he was leaving early that night and planning to see her when he got up there.

First off, I was kind of pissed that I had to seemingly drag that information out of him, especially in light of his recent lie to me about having attended a swinger party when he said he wasn’t going to. He also kept pussyfooting around the questions of whether he was planning to see and sleep with her. He claimed that it all depended on her husband and he wasn’t sure yet what would happen.

So I was fuming a bit but went ahead and made plans with my fuck buddy. He had stated before that I can come down and see him whenever I want so for the first time I decided to drive the hour and a half to his place to spend some time with him. That all went swimmingly and we had fun and good sex and talked quite a bit more than usual since I was there for 3 hours. I told the Professor what I was going to do.

However the Professor and I kind of got into it. He seemed to be avoiding telling me whether he was going to spend the night with her or even admitting that there was likelihood they would have sex. I told him I felt like I needed some reassurance from him. We hadn’t seen each other since the blowout after me discovering his lie about the past swinger party and though we had made up somewhat we really hadn’t had a chance to talk it out. I was feeling insecure and uneasy about our relationship already and on edge about him going to see her. I made a comment about how he probably wouldn’t bother texting me all weekend and he said stop it, he would make a point of keeping in contact with me.

So he finally says he talked to them and that she and her husband were going to have dinner with him. I was kind of snappy and said something like “you never go out to dinner with ME”. He said that wasn’t fair because he has taken me out before but I usually can’t take enough time and that he hasn’t seen her in three months and she is his friend too! Left me with a bad feeling because he was going on about her being his friend again and I was still without the reassurance that I had asked him for.

So I just said I was going to go see my friend and that I guess there was no need to contact him after that. I said it because he was on his way to dinner with her and I wasn’t going to notify him again that I was leaving for my fuck buddy’s house while he was busy. I MEANT that night but also kind of deliberately left it ambiguous as to whether or not I meant EVER because I wanted to see what he would do.

Still, he didn’t contact me for TWENTY FOUR HOURS after that. And then it was when I finally sent him a text. I was pissed because he broke his promise and I assumed it was because he was either still with her or so happy to have seen her that he couldn’t be bothered with me at all. I didn’t know if she had stayed the night with him (I didn’t sleep over with my fuck buddy) or if he was taking her with him all day to his games or what. Of course he has never taken ME to anything like that so I was speculating all kinds of things and not feeling good about it at all. My imagination can sometimes get the best of me. Of course he said the reason he didn’t text was because I said there would be no need to contact me again…and he didn’t know if I meant ever, and admittedly I left it open like that on purpose because I was upset.

He said they didn’t even have sex. They went to dinner and because he had a slight cough left over from having been sick the week before I guess they didn’t feel comfortable being “intimate” with him. They didn’t want to get sick. He says it was the husband’s decision. He’s told me before that she and her husband don’t communicate well and she is in love with him and doesn’t want to sleep with anyone but him and her husband wants her to be with other guys. The whole situation is kind of fucked up and I know how those “secret” feelings for another person can be and how bored married ladies who aren’t getting the attention they want will be seeking it out so she is probably EXTRA in love with him. UGH. I so just want her GONE.

Meanwhile the Professor can’t get why I am still upset because THEY didn’t have sex, and I DID!!! LOL On some level I can see how he feels that way but again it is the emotional thing with me! He gets upset every time I have sex with another guy and it takes him awhile to get over it, though logically he is okay with it. It gets to him on an emotional level so I think he should understand MY feelings as well.

My fuck buddy I have NO emotional attachment to. We fuck and that’s it! He is in no way a threat to the Professor and I have no problem telling the Professor I like HIM more and HE is number one to me! He knows that!! I want to be special like that to him too! :/

Barring that, I at least want to know SOME ways in which I am special to him. I’m not really getting that and I feel like I’ve asked for it in several different ways. I just need to know MY unique place in his life. We did get into a really long emotional discussion (drama, drama, fun, fun) where he said the following.

1. I spend more time with YOU!! That should tell you something!! (But, spending more time with her would be kind of difficult since she lives far away and her husband won’t “let” her- I don’t know if that is simply a way to bide his time since they can’t have each other or what).

2. Neither one of you is more special to me, you both have different qualities and different things I like about you, else I why would I be with TWO people? (Okay, I do get that, see my post on Comparing Lovers– but I still want to know WHAT it is that is different- curiousity? Or just a need to feel special in some way I guess).

3. I shouldn’t have to reassure you about anything. Just the fact that I do things with you and spend my time with you and spend time TALKING to you and buy things for you and your kids should be enough reassurance. I don’t express my feelings like that. (Gah! Men!! I hate this about them!!!! Why is giving reassurance hard? It’s like the easiest thing in the world to me and I give him boatloads if I even think he is hinting at needing a little and he seems to appreciate that!! I’m more than happy to TELL him I think he’s the bees knees! Yes, he does do these things for me and it means a lot and I love it but that doesn’t mean when I am faced with a scary situation where he is off with another woman I don’t need a RE-assurance of that. Tell me again, and again, and again!! Please!! :/ Yeah, I guess I’m being needy. )

4. More logical crap about how he takes her out more because she has that available time and how he would do the same for me if my ex- husband wasn’t always pestering me to come back and get the kids after 2 hours of being away. Plus, he takes me to the swingers parties AND he HAS taken me out a couple of times before. (Okay, he has a point here but also if he was offering to take me out more I’m sure I could manage to get a little more time. I do have time constraints but it makes it hard to tell if he would really do that stuff or not).

5. Do you think I would spend all this time TALKING to you if I didn’t like you A LOT?? Don’t you know men hate this stuff and I have better things to do with my time? (Well, yes, this is very true and also why it’s a damn good test of how a guy feels about you to throw a huge fit and see how he reacts. I hate that I do this but it has the end result of proving his emotional investment in me…, not that I think it out on a calculated level like that but yes I can see the reasons why afterwards).

So anyway, we are all back to normal and happy now. After a lot of testing him on my part. I have to admit that NOW I can see it for what it was but at the time I was a mess of emotion and unable to think clearly and just ACTING on feminine whims. I am so such a girl…and also was at the start of and on my period, when I tend to sink into insecurity and hit my low point of the month. The rest of the time I feel like I’m fairly easygoing and happy. It doesn’t probably help that it seems like every time he has gotten together with this woman has been right around my period. He’s asking for it!!

Despite recognizing what is going on I still feel like I could benefit from more advice and examples of how people get on in everyday polyamorous relationships. Reading the blogs can offer tidbits here and there but it never seems like enough. Where do I go for ideas on how to cope with “the other woman” when it isn’t an affair situation and he is ALLOWED to do this? I’ve read The Ethical Slut and that had some ideas but it was also just skimming the surface of all the possibilities out there. Does anyone else deal with this stuff? How do you do it?