Tag Archive | swinging

Communication with the Cohort

pillow-talk-toni-thorne

 

I’ve been hanging out with the Cohort quite a bit lately. Last night we went to a swinger party. I’m really liking him and the way he handles situations with me. We seem to be on the same page about a lot of things.

He SEEMS to be indicating that he wants a more “serious” relationship with me. By “serious” I do not mean “monogamous”. A lot of the things he says and does, though, seem to indicate he wants something more long term. I’m okay with that. Very okay with that. 🙂 But I’m not going to push it.

I’m excited, but tentative. I know there are a lot of things that might hold a man back from wanting anything other than just sex with me. Still, so far he does not seem intimidated, so we will see. He keeps saying I seemed to have come into his life at just the right time, when he was on the fence regarding monogamy vs. swinging. I guess I’m like the perfect compromise. 😉

We had a good talk before going to the party. Our final decision was that we would be free to play separately, rather than try to find the perfect people to play with together. No handcuffing one another. We COULD also play together if there were a group situation going down. He even let me know he’d be okay with threesomes, whether they were with me and another girl, or me and another guy (see why I’m liking this guy??). If one of us were going off or using the hotel room (the party was held at a hotel), we’d text to let the other know where we were at.

He got a room with double beds, one would be for play and the other kept clean for us to sleep on. At the end of the night it would be just he and I in there and no one else allowed to stay. If any gangbang situations went down, I probably wouldn’t be a part of it, though he might.

I didn’t even tell him about the gangbang thing the other night. A couple of guys (including Mr. Firm) advised me not to if I’m thinking more serious with him. I’m not obligated to tell him what I do at this point outside of at parties, and why risk possibly upsetting him?

So I said nothing about that, BUT he knows I have had negative experiences in the past. We’ve talked about it. What’s kind of ironic is that he’s been in a LOT of gangbangs. Like, more than your average Joe, haha. He was involved in some things that actually ended up being a big scandal that I can’t talk about on my blog. In any case, it was all consensual and not pushed. I like that he has been very open with me about that.

Anyhow, in keeping with the gangbang theme, some kind of crazy stuff came out right before this party went down last night. In fact, right after we pulled up to the hotel and were walking across the parking lot to check in. SOMEHOW, we had gotten to talking about this girl he used to date that went to my high school. Through her, he had met some people from my hometown.

He just happened to bring up, this one guy he said he had met, who really got on his nerves. There was some situation where he happened to be in a bar, with the ex girlfriend from my town, but they were no longer dating. He had temporarily broken up with this other girl he was dating and she happened to be there too.

Okay, so THIS GUY was trying to hit on her and telling the Cohort he was going to get her, without knowing that it was a girl he had been seeing. I guess he wasn’t saying because he was there with the other girl. In any case she was shutting him down (I’m guessing more because he was there watching than anything ) and dude was really starting to get to him.

ANYHOW, this is all important only because guess who the guy was??? The freaking guy I was IN LOVE with way back when I was 18, (before I met my ex husband) and who massively hurt me by trying to push me into a gangbang when we were dating.

I mean it was awful. We were in a hotel room, I was naked, because I’d had sex with him. These other guys (10-15 of them) had come in the room and they stole my clothes. I didn’t end up doing anything with them because I started crying and asking him not to let them touch me. He finally ended up telling them to back off, putting his clothes on me and driving me home in his underwear. But not after trying to coerce me into doing it by telling me if I “really loved” him I would.

It was pretty traumatic at the time. I don’t even like talking about it too much here on my blog because I know a lot of people would not understand some of it or why I would even have fallen for this guy in the first place. He was also there when I was 15 and the first time I ever actually got involved in a gangbang.

That time it was most definitely not something I wanted to do. He was the one standing there saying “man, she’s scared, I don’t want to do this” over and over again, but he’d gone along with it. He was 19 at the time, at least one of the other guys was 21…I don’t even want to get into it. The reason it is even relevant is that he brought it up in the second scenario (after we’d continued fucking for 3 years) and was like “you’ve done it before” as part of his reasoning that I would do it again.

Please, if you are reading this and it upsets you, I understand, but don’t tell me what I “should” have done in those situations or regarding dating him later on. I know. I was young and made a lot of bad decisions that I can’t go back and change now. Like it or not, a few years down the road I fell in love with this guy, and I mean hard. It took me years to get over what happened with him.

Honestly, I don’t think he did much better. He would try to sabotage my dating other guys after that. Like any time he would see me out at a club or something, he would try to get the guy alone and tell him I had a boyfriend, make threats to him, or tell lies about me to keep him away. He even did that to the guy I had the affair with (who is his half brother, complicated, I know).

He tries to malign me. 20 years later. Its all kinds of fucked up. Especially because he will still like, poke me on Facebook. He did it again a couple of days ago. He’s tried asking me out for drinks too and I shut him down in sort of a mean way (not that he didn’t deserve it). Yet I’ve been friendly other times and even have him on my Facebook page. Don’t ask, lol. It will never make sense. I made the mistake of having sex with him ONE time, after the incident too, despite everything. It was the day before I went away for college and I haven’t seen him since.

Ugh. I’m sure that was painful to read. It paints my decisions in a pretty bad light (and they were) as well as the guys involved. That may be true but I was young and dumb and sometimes you just do stupid stuff.

SO, when the Cohort brought him up I was like OMG, no…not him…hahahaha. Of ALL freaking people! When I first said I knew him he asked “did you fuck him?” and said he had heard this guy was running through all kinds of women. I said yes and he said (jokingly-not serious at all) “Man, I just lost a little bit of respect for you”. I told him that doesn’t even scratch the surface and let him drag it out of me that we had dated.

Later on, sometime in the middle of the night, and after some drinks, we got to talking about this again and it all came out. The whole story about this guy. To my relief, he took it like a champ. 😉 He wasn’t bothered by it at all and didn’t bat an eye when I said I’d gone back and fucked him again or any of the other messed up stuff.

His reaction was “you are ‘well traveled’…I like that about you, you’re a good girl” (makeout session) Ha… He said the only person it made him think worse of is the guy, who he already didn’t like, lol. He said it helped him understand my leeriness towards the whole gangbang thing too, that none of the ones he has been involved with had ever been like that. The women always were fully on board.

It felt good to get all that off my chest, to someone who wasn’t judgmental about it. A lot of men would be. Apparently not him though. He reminds me a little bit of Mr. Firm. I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot between the two of them, for real. 🙂

I mentioned Mr. Firm to him, briefly, because there is a very slight possibility he could be at this lake party we are planning to go to soon. I wanted him to know if he is, that is someone I’d definitely want to have some time with. His reaction was “I can tell you like this guy by the tone of your voice” lol. I said well, yeah, he is a good guy and I don’t have a negative word to say about him. He just said he was glad that I was associating with good men now (yeah, he still doesn’t know about that other night, but whatever, I’m done with Cousin 3 and his crew for sure).

So, its all good. The party went pretty well. He played but I didn’t. It was with a woman I knew he would play with beforehand, a married woman he has known longer than me. For a minute it bothered me, even though I knew it shouldn’t, and he didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve met her before and she seems nice and not catty or competitive.

I know she likes him and also that she fucked like 5 other men earlier in the week. He said he wasn’t going to lie that kind of threw HIM off for a bit even though they aren’t like boyfriend/girlfriend but any time you are fucking someone it can mess with your emotions a bit. I get that, totally. I think probably everyone has feelings like that, even though hearing about him feeling jealous over someone else maybe gave me a little twinge too. Things can get kind of complicated in the Lifestyle, lol.

Afterwards, he made a point of paying attention to, and reconnecting with me, so that helped. He wanted to talk about how I felt about it and said he’d kind of rushed things with her and not even cum because he was worried about getting back to me. So we still have some things to iron out there, but its nice to have open communication about it.

I COULD have played but I chose not to. While he was gone I danced and talked with another guy but I just wasn’t feeling him. He didn’t appear to be trying to get me back to his room at first and was just talking about taking me to dinner (eyeroll) and I admit a part of me wanted to push for it, just to even the “score” and because the Cohort was fucking someone and it felt unfair. Despite those passing thoughts, when the dude jokingly slipped his hotel room key down the cleavage of my dress, I didn’t bite. I didn’t want to play with someone just for that reason.

Anyhow, I got lots of playtime in with the Cohort that night as well as talking about everything under the sun. There wasn’t a lot of sleeping going on, lol. We went out for breakfast in the morning and I’m feeling pretty good about it all.

It’s raining men! :D

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Wow, so much going on lately it is getting hard to keep up with my blog! Nevertheless, I am determined to keep you all up to date. Life in Lovergirl Land has been pretty interesting.

I’ll start with my latest adventures with the Cohort. He has been a lot of fun to hang out with. This guy keeps me laughing and laughing when I am with him. Last night we went out to a couple of vanilla bars together with some of his non-lifestyle friends and had a great time, as well as a night full of good sex and conversation.

He’s very emotionally honest and tells me what he is thinking and feeling. I’m really liking that a lot. It was especially helpful when we went to our first swinger party together.

I was on my period and we decided beforehand that the most I would do, would be give blowjobs, to him or anyone else. The party was small, only about 30 people, and I didn’t end up playing with anyone other than him, but it wasn’t because of him trying to hold me back. He says he is going to try to make a point not to do that, even though sometimes he wonders how it would make him feel to watch me have sex with someone else.

At the party, there was a woman that he sometimes plays with, who is married. They started out playing with her husband around, but she has snuck over to his place to play over her lunch break and that makes him feel a little guilty. She sucked his dick at the party, as did I, but it wasn’t to completion. No one has ever made him cum with a blow job anyhow, but he says that knowing I was there and unable to play, made him feel a little awkward too.

It honestly didn’t bother ME at all and I don’t think would have if he fucked her there. Of course he had no way of knowing that for sure, but I was okay. I felt bad that I was on my period and unable to fuck him there that night, so may have even liked to see him be able to get off.

The only thing that irked me that night, was the Host. He was at the party, with another woman, and never even bothered to say hi. I only saw her from across the room, but she didn’t look all that cute or anything. He later claimed I had my back turned and he thought I was ignoring HIM. I’m not really buying that, but whatever.

Its hard to say what his actual reasons were. I guess it could have been anything, from jealousy over the Cohort, to just being an asshole. He has since texted me, and I didn’t even respond. I don’t hate him or anything but wonder if I should drop him off my list of current men.

It’s just offensive that he didn’t say hi. It’s not like the two of us don’t know each other, and I don’t think he’s embarrassed of me. I mean he had me helping him host his parties! Now I hear the Redhead is doing that instead. She’s also been super buddy-buddy with the old guy and his wife that I wasn’t wanting to fuck. Good for her, I’m just not attracted.

He still wants to fuck me, and hits me up over text, but I’m not trying to be fuck buddies with someone who doesn’t give me basic acknowledgement in public. It would be different if he were married or something, but he’s not. I don’t know. It’s still up in the air because I do like the sex and he is conveniently close, but I don’t want to have to stoop down low to do it.

Speaking of the Redhead, she told me a crazy story. This guy, who had been texting me for a little bit, and with whom she used to have a couples profile with, made threats to her, and she had to get a restraining order against him and have him thrown in jail for a short time. He’s the one that was sending me countless needy texts, that I had to ask to quit bothering me. Yay, for my stalker sense going into high gear, and Mr. Firm advising me to drop him like a hot potato! 😉

Okay, now speaking of THIS guy (the Psycho Stalker), the Pilot and I met with HIS brother, and his brother’s wife the other day. We were thinking couple swap, but the Pilot said he didn’t want to have any expectations.

They are a cute couple, in their mid twenties, good looking and we had a good time, but nobody got naked. Well, that’s not entirely true. The Pilot and I fucked in the bathroom of their apartment and then again in the parking lot, but they didn’t join in the fun.

We spent our time playing parlour games, drinking and chatting, and once the guy offered me a molly. I declined…I’ve never done those and don’t want to. Now that I’m a mom I pretty much avoid doing any drugs and stick to a few glasses of alcohol. I’m not judging those that do and back in the day I smoked my share of pot, plus tried a few other things, just now I don’t mess with it.

After we left the guy was texting “why did you two leave, my wife and I wanted to play with you guys”. :p I wasn’t really that surprised, but it was annoying that no one made the first move. It IS kind of awkward when there are two couples, because then who is supposed to do it? If one of the men starts going after the female half of the other couple, it runs a risk of someone getting upset. So I do kind of understand. Yet, neither she nor I, is the type to get aggressive with a guy and start things off.

The Pilot was kissing on ME, pulling me onto his lap and obviously showing interest in SOMETHING going on (plus they had to know we were fucking in the bathroom) but the other guy and his wife weren’t touching each other. So that made it less likely too. Like if they had been making out as well, maybe somehow we could have gotten things going.

Mr. Firm says in those types of scenarios, he just starts getting naked, lol. He’s so awesome. 🙂 I saw him the other day too and WOW!!!! THE SEX, OMFG, it is BEYOND amazing!! I don’t even know how it’s possible, but it seemed even better than before!!

He’s at that scary level, like the kind that Alexyss Tylor warns about in her Penis Power videos, that I talked about before. I’d better watch out! LOL 😉 That man could have me acting all kinds of a fool, if he wanted to.

Even one time, during the sex, he had me bent over on my hands and knees, and was making me cum from fucking me doggystyle, as well as with his hand rubbing on my clit. I was so overloaded with pleasure, I was about to tap out, and he kinda laughed and said “you don’t even know what to do, do you?” Yeeahhh…. He knows!! 😉

Thankfully, he seems to be a man that can be trusted with all that power. I’m so impressed with him as a person and with how he treats me, and responds to me. I haven’t got a single negative thing to say. If I’m going to lose control with anyone, I want it to be him. 😉

Now for the Poly guy. The plot thickens. I swear he has got to be married!

He had me meet him the other day, at lunch time, so he could give me one of his employee gas cards to drive my kids to their dads house. Guess where we met? At the girlfriends place again. Only this time she wasn’t there.

I asked him about it and he said he owns 5 rental houses. She lives in one of them and he stays there “some of the time”. He said he likes his privacy so he doesn’t always.

One seemingly random thing that stands out to me about some of these men is that they all seem to have rental houses! Mr. Firm, the Pilot, the Married Man and Mr. Poly, all have rental properties. Guys that have rental properties are probably fucking like crazy. Now I have to wonder if they are all fucking IN the rental homes…. 😉

In her house he has a playroom. Its an extra bedroom with its own lock and key (the house has 5 bedrooms). According to him they are planning on putting in cameras, so she can watch him fuck women from the other room, if she wants to, and also record if the people agree to it. They have toys and restraints and stuff in there too, he said, though I didn’t see any of it.

He said that other women have to “earn” the right to be in her bedroom with them, like I was the other night, but that he knew she liked me, so he brought me in. Uhhh..if you say so, but seriously, don’t I just feel soooo special “earning” the special right to play in their bedroom? Pssshhh…

While she is gone he has agreed only to fuck women in the playroom. They have all these “rules” and honestly to me, it is an annoyance. Maybe if he wasn’t flat out telling me, but it doesn’t make me feel all that great. Its almost like “know your place, you are just a secondary” and that is kind of offensive.

Oh, and he keeps planning these big nights out over the weekend, then cancels. Married man kind of flakiness, I’m telling you. That and he often doesn’t answer a text in the evenings but he’s hounding me during the day and spending money on me. Hmmmmm….

In any case, it left me free to have a fun night with the Cohort, followed by breakfast at the IHOP in the morning. We stayed up all night long and barely got any sleep. Good times, and he was killing me pointing out the folks who looked like they were doing the walk of shame there, haha.

Thank God I was able to get a shower in the morning. I’m exhausted though and supposed to meet with the guy who took me out to the art walk a few weeks ago. He is grilling steaks for us this afternoon. Ta- ta for now!

Orgy party, part 1

party

I had quite the fuckfest this weekend. 🙂  Unfortunately my computer is still giving me problems and so I am at the library with only time for a short write up.   I’ll try to make it brief.

My second house party was this weekend.  I was invited by a man I will refer to as Mr. Host.  He’s got an office job that he does from home as well as a job in security where he is some sort of manager.  He is the one I went out on a date with, with a couple where he was here to have sex with the wife, but who had yet to try and fuck me.  He had suggested I help him out with his parties by assisting in greeting people and possibly joining his couples profile (I haven’t agreed to do that but he wanted me to think about it). 

Anyhow, he wired me some gas money to come up there and added in a little extra for food and liquor.  In total, because he ended up helping me with gas on my way home, he gave me $100.  He had also said if I showed up early enough before the party he would take me to buy a Santa outfit to wear from Victoria’s Secret. 

Unfortunately (well, it ended up being rather fortunately) I was unable to make it by the time he suggested.  Instead, I opted to meet Mr. Firm at his hotel beforehand.  Whooo, am I glad I did that!  OMFG that man can fuck!!  We actually had the hotel front desk person call and then knock on the door, due to a noise complaint, lmao.  :::: Blushing :::  but it’s his fault ;).

God, he is soooo good, and I couldn’t say enough things about how wonderful and perfect he is, in every way.  He’s like the most awesomest fwb any woman could ever hope for.  Sooo glad I met him!!  Not only is he my second favorite sex of all time, but he’s just cool as hell as a person.  He gives the best advice, he’s honest and knows how to set boundaries and make me feel comfortable with things.  He’s been in the lifestyle for like 9 years or more, so I’m sure that helps.

There were at least two other women (wives) that had contacted him prior to the party and wanted to meet (fuck) him.  He let me know about this upfront and told me exactly how he would act towards me at the party.  He said he would flirt with me and probably fuck me and dance together and that if things got uncomfortable with staying at the host house, I could come to his hotel with him.  Then he also let me know that he would probably fuck these other women too and maybe have a couple back to his hotel at some point.  He just wanted to be sure I knew that.  I really LIKE it when a guy is honest with me like that because it helps me to be mentally prepared for what may happen and then I can handle it all.

At one point I did kind of question him about how he was going to be able to handle it.  I asked if all these women wanted to fuck him, if he thought he’d really be up to the task.  He was like “I’ll eat my Wheaties” which made me bust out laughing.  I’m telling you, he is really my kind of guy, and smart too! Of course he’s taken and totally unavailable for more than a fwb thing but he doesn’t lead me on about that or anything either. 

I think it was a really good move to have me with him at the hotel first.   He fucked the hell out of me and I would have been happy as a clam if that was all the sex I got.  He later said the same thing, it would have made him happy enough too, but we both ended up having some other fun. 😉

I showered in his hotel room and then headed off to the party.  He told me he’d be fashionably late, an hour or so later, and did exactly as he promised. 

At the door were some security guys who turned out to be cousins of the host.  They weren’t there from the swinger website and Mr. Host said they were more there to keep an eye on things than to play, but they could and might later on.  I thought they were kind of hot and could tell they liked me too.

Mr. Host got me set up with a wine glass (everyone else was drinking out of plastic cups) and my wine I had bought with the money.  He told me to greet people and flirt and have fun.  So, I flitted about like a little social butterfly and did just that.  It was actually kind of fun not having a guy with me because I was free to talk to pretty much anyone without any worries. 

When Mr. Firm arrived we didn’t spend a lot of time together, but I’d walk by him and we’d stop and kiss for a little bit, or he’d grab my ass and wink or something and we’d smile at each other.  I bragged on him a little bit to a couple of other women and one of them agreed.  She’d apparently fucked him before too, but I can’t even remember who it was. 

I know the other lady was the one who had called me a bitch and gone out with the Referee at the last party.  I made up with her too.  I went up to her and was nice and told her not to worry about all that stuff and that I loved her dress, was girlfriend chatty with her and hugged her and stuff. She seemed relieved.  What can I say, when I get to drinking I am usually super friendly and touchy feely with people.

What’s funny is that she later validated Mr. Firm and said she hopes to see him again.  He said he’d only briefly even spoken to her and I said it must have been my reference, ha! Everyone else seemed really nice and Mr. Motorcycle never showed up. 
I danced on the pole in the basement for awhile, though it was thicker than a “real” pole so a little harder to do, lol. I was feeling great.

Unfortunately, by around 10 pm I had drunk over a bottle and a half of 10% alcohol wine and was not feeling so hot.  I went into a back room and the security guys helped me change clothes into a bustier and garter and g-string but I suddenly felt too dizzy to get up.  I ended up on the floor of the bathroom feeling sick (though I never threw up or anything) and they carried me to the master bed, where I passed out for like 4 hours.

Mr. Firm said a lot more people came to the party and there were some threesomes and foursomes but he didn’t do that this time.  He did say he played some but didn’t specify with who.  He says he had fun and that he had gone back and seen me out cold once on the bed.  When I woke up he was gone and when I tried to text he was already asleep. (He said no one had come back to his hotel). 

I was still dizzy but had gotten up and walked through the house to see who was still around.  There were a few couples and single women lingering, as well as the security guys, but it was 2 am.  I lay down on the bed and an older man who had been checking on me from time to time came in.  He saw I was feeling better and said he wanted to make me enjoy myself.  He pulled aside my panties and started licking.  Holy hell, he was good with his tongue! 

He started fingering me and it was feeling really good but I was still dizzy.  He stopped and said that was just a preview of what would come later, winked and walked out of the room.  5 seconds later, in walks two of the security dudes.  They saw me lying there looking better and obviously a little bit horny.  One guy said he thought I was the hottest woman there and he’d been waiting for this all night.  They had been coming in to check on me and giving me drinks of ice water and making sure I was okay from time to time because Mr. Host had asked them too. 

Earlier in the night these guys had joked with me that they come as a “packaged deal”.  Well, yeah.  They are cousins and I fucked the one and gave the other a blow job, at the same time.  I was still dizzy so ended up being on my side for a bit, but the one guy I blew came all over my chest and the other one finished up in the condom he was wearing.  He was like “damn that pussy is good, I’m definitely going to come here and see you again”.  Then they left.

Damn…this is just the beginning but I have to get off the library computer.  They close in 5 min.  To be continued…..

 

 

 

Yes, I’ll have thirds please ;)

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I’m home from my 3rd Halloween swinger party of the year!  I went to this one with Mr. Motorcycle, in a big city a few hours away.  The party was packed, with close to 500 people, and of course we were all decked out in costume.

I dressed as Silk Spectre from the Watchmen, for anyone who has any clue who that is.  I don’t, but hey, he bought me the costume and it was hot!  LOL  Only one other guy at the party correctly guessed my character.  Someone else thought I was a Power Ranger, LMAO.  Anyhow, it was still a hit. 😉

Here is what the costume looks like:
silk-spectre-ii-costume

I was gonna post a body pic of ME in the costume but some guy I showed it to made a negative comment and now I am feeling self conscious. Not sure if he was just being an ass or what because most of the responses I got were overwhelmingly positive.

 We stayed at a Ramada Inn and there was party bus shuttle service from the hotel (and like 3 other ones) to the club.  Unfortunately I had been running a bit late…  Okay, more than a bit, I was 3 hours later than what we’d originally planned and we got into town just past the 9:00 last run for the shuttle, but Mr. Motorcycle thought we could change that.  He was like “just call the driver and ask him to come again at 10:00.  He’s a guy, if you sound sexy enough, he will do it for you”. 

To my surprise that actually worked, lol.  At first the guy said he would be there until 9:30 and couldn’t come back unless there were more people on the bus.  Then he later called me back and offered to come, just for us, at 10. Woohoo! 

The reason I was running so late in the first place was because of my ex- husband’s girlfriend causing trouble at the last minute, plus the oil light going on in my vehicle and having to wait for an unexpected two hours that morning to get it checked and changed.  Ugh.  My life is way too busy to be adding in extra problems like that but it is what it is. 

The ex’s girlfriend suddenly decides, about 30 minutes before I was due to bring the kids to their dads for an overnight, that she has other plans for the weekend.  I had asked him on Monday, and checked to make sure on Tuesday, that bringing them so I could go out of town would be alright.  He said that was fine but apparently never mentioned it to her, and now she was taking it out on ME. 

Drama, drama, drama.  I told her they need to communicate better and that it wasn’t my responsibility and she started going off.  She said I needed to bring food for them and I said I would but that our divorce decree states that he is supposed to provide food when they are visiting.  She said she didn’t care what it said, it is her house and she isn’t feeding them her food.  So whatever, I spent my time waiting on an oil change at Walmart buying food for them for the weekend.

Then she starts bitching at me about how she isn’t going to change her plans for me and that she is the one in control of the house and what she says goes and they can’t come there.  I said okay then, he can come to my house and watch the kids there and it won’t interrupt your plans.  She flipped out and said “OH HELL NO!!”  I was like, I am not going to be there, I will be out of town, so I don’t see the big deal, but okay.  The woman is insanely jealous of me for some reason, despite the fact that I wouldn’t touch my ex with a ten foot pole, and have tried to explain that to her.

I tried to text my ex and just communicate with him from then on but he wasn’t very helpful and acted like he had no idea what was going on.  Then she accuses me of forwarding her texts to him (which I didn’t do, though I did tell him the gist of what she was saying).  Ugggghhh…  she did finally calm down and he said it was okay to bring them but it made me even later and later trying to get it all sorted out. 

After promising not to bring the kids next weekend (she apparently didn’t like that this is the 3rd time this month they have stayed the night there, though technically they are supposed to stay 4 nights out of the month),I said I don’t want my children feeling unwelcome at your house.  She didn’t comment. I made my ex promise that wouldn’t happen and told the kids to call me if there was any trouble and I would turn around and come home.  Not a good way to start off my trip, but she did later apologize.

Mr. Motorcycle was surprisingly forgiving.  I felt bad because he actually sat and waited for me in a parking lot for 2 hours but he was just glad to be heading out.  We had a good drive and on the way discussed how we would act at the party.  He said he wanted us to be a “couple” and only play if we play together and both agree.  I was fine with that.

There was some possibility that The Referee would be at this party.  He had originally invited me first, before changing his mind and deciding he couldn’t make it up this weekend.  When he found out I was going with someone else he said that he was a little jealous and might make the trip up anyhow.  He didn’t though.

It was okay, because I had seen him earlier in the week, for a hot little lunchtime rendezvous.  He says he wants to try and do that at least once a week, despite it being an almost 2 hour drive for him.  Hey, that works for me!!  He had gotten a cheap motel because the Marriot was booked. 

It was actually kind of funny because while we were fucking the non- English speaking guy that worked the front desk had come by and OPENED our door, because we left the key in it by accident and he wanted to give it to us.  That was his excuse anyhow.  He knocked for about two seconds and then tried to OPEN the freaking door before the Referee slammed it back in his face.  I know he could hear us in there!  We could hear the people next door to us fucking loudly too….LMAO. 

The Referee I am liking quite a bit.  I can tell he’s not too thrilled about me going to parties with someone else but he hasn’t told me not to.  He did ask if I gave the guy anal and of course I didn’t.  I haven’t given it to him either but he is wanting me to.  He’s like “you can save that for Daddy”.  I don’t know about all that…

So back to the party.  It was packed to the hilt for Halloween and a lot of fun.  We flirted and talked to a bunch of people and danced the night away.  On the bus over there Mr. Motorcycle had said something about wanting to see me someday in a gangbang.  So romantic…

The music was ten times better at this party than the others I have been to. There were more good looking people than at most of the ones down here. I recognized a handful of people and was half expecting to see the Pilot there.  We were close to where he lives, and I know he has been there before, but he wasn’t signed up and no sign of him. 

However, I did run into a couple of people that have seen him with me in the past.  I also met the couple he had wanted me to stay in a hotel room with originally when we had our big blowout.  The girl was much more attractive in person than she had seemed in her online pics.  She wasn’t smoking hot but Mr. Motorcycle seemed kind of interested and he liked her costume (football cheerleader).

It was her birthday and at some point we walked into a room where she was getting gangbanged by a few black men on a couch.  I didn’t stick around to watch that very long but later on, near the end of the night, Mr. Motorcycle stops and tells me to ask her boyfriend to dance.  I did and he was all excited about it and wanting us to come back to their hotel and hook up.  Since he asked me to get this guy on the dance floor I thought that was what Mr. Motorcycle was wanting too, but when the guy invited us to come over he kind of shot him down.

Hmmmm….  He later said he doesn’t know why but he is still kind of having a hard time wanting to share me.  We didn’t end up playing with anyone other than each other.  It was fun though!  He also said he was going to email that couple and try and let them know he wasn’t trying to be rude.

He made some excuses about how he didn’t want to fuck her after she’d been with all those guys that night and I was like, but you have been in gangbangs before, claim to like them and just mentioned wanting to get me in one on the way over here!  That kind of made him think (duh!).  He also said he’d prefer to hook up with women that are on my level of attractiveness.  Yet, beforehand he had been telling me how he can usually find SOMETHING attractive about a woman even if she is not conventionally beautiful.  Men, so confusing. :p

Ah well, we did have a good time and he says he thinks he will be more likely to be able to share in the future.  He just has to get used to it because he’s so gung ho about me at the moment.  I guess we will see.

He does keep telling me how much he likes me and how hot he thinks I am.  He wants to take a million pics.  When we were dancing a song came on that I like and I was singing along and he was like “OH MY GOD…you can SING!!!”  Apparently he was impressed. I don’t claim to be a fabulous singer or anything but I do love to sing, sang in choir growing up and have gotten compliments in the past. Now the Referee, he can blow!!  LOL  He sings a cappella on his voice mail and it is amazing.

I got a chance to dance on the pole and that was fun too.  I was actually dancing on a pole that was off to the side of the room and the DJ saw me and came over and drew attention to it and had me dance on the main pole in front of everyone.  I was just tipsy enough to be in my “happy place” but not overly drunk so had fun with it. 😉 

I almost forgot to mention that I kissed and made out with two women. One at the party, who was half naked, and one on the party bus home. Sheesh, it must be becoming old hat or something. Oh, and then there was the girl that BIT Mr. Motorcycle on the cheek when we got off the bus to the hotel. WTF?? Some people have the strangest ways of flirting. He did NOT appreciate that!!

There were a couple of times when Mr. Motorcycle did or said things that seemed kind of controlling.  Like he asked me to sit at a table and took off (I later found out to smoke, he was hiding the fact that he smokes from me) then seemed kind of perturbed that I had gotten up and went to the restroom. He asked me not to go to this club again unless it is with him and wanted me to agree to that since we have been there together.  He also wants to have a couples profile and has asked me NOT to let him know if I am going to see other men.  It would be reasonable maybe if we were in a relationship but I haven’t really agreed to that.  I’m still trying to take it slow and watch things with him and he seems to be pushing a little too fast.  He’s already seriously trying to plan New Year’s Eve with me.

He bought me another outfit too, a leather bustier and a very short black skirt.  He says he likes to dress women up and take them out on his arm, that he thinks it is sexy.  I know single men in the Lifestyle get much more attention when they have a woman with them so not sure if that’s all it’s about or what.  I did notice he has a couple recent validations on the swinger site that were not from either of the parties he and I went to.  For all his claims not to have been fucking anyone else, I have my doubts.  I tried to put him on the spot and ask his age again to see what he’d say (since I found out he is 44 and before he tried to tell me 40) and he dodged the question.  All in all, I think I need to keep in the back of my mind at least that he is not super trustworthy.

 

Mr. Motorcycle, Halloween Party 2

motorcycle man

I went to my second Halloween swingers party of the year with another new man.  We will refer to him as Mr. Motorcycle.  He’s really not the “type” you expect to see riding a Harley (skinny, black guy) but he is a biker, lol. 

I haven’t been on his bike yet.  Instead, he picked me up in a pickup truck that he does his work from (he owns his own company, installing technology related stuff).  For our first “date” we drove 2 ½ hours away to another state for this party. 

I wasn’t really sure what to think of him.  He had been calling and texting me A LOT in the days prior to meeting.  It’s almost overkill.

I met him on the swinger site and he claimed that he decided to pay for a membership again, JUST so he could contact ME.  He’d been off the site for like 2 years.  His old pictures were still up but he had added a couple of new ones.  There was some mention in his profile about looking for a woman to date and attend parties with.  Oh, and that he had a 10 inch dick (!!)

According to him, he was very active in swinging for a long time.  He said he even helped found the original site that I am on.  He told me his PARENTS were swingers, but that he only knew from finding swinging magazines in their house as a child.  There was some mention of him being involved in BDSM as well.  He’d been married twice before, once to a stripper.  In those relationships, as well as others, they had continued to swing together.

Yet, for some reason, he had decided to take a break. He says he hadn’t even had sex for the past two years.  That kind of set off a red flag to me, as well as several other things but I decided to meet up with him anyhow.  Maybe I just like living on the edge.

For safety purposes I did text a male friend that I often do when I’m about to do something potentially dangerous.  I’ll give him the guy’s license plate or address and other identifying information, where we will be, etc.  This time he told me to call him when I was in the truck and make sure the guy heard me telling him that I thought it seemed safe.

He was cool with it and assured me he wasn’t a psycho.  We had a pretty good drive down, with lots and lots of questions from him.  This man LOVES to talk my ear off and ask me a million questions, lol.  He was very excited to be with me and kept saying how hot I was and how he couldn’t wait to bring me to this party and show me off to people he’d known a long time ago. 

I am not really sure about his financial status, since the area of town he told me he lives in is iffy and he chose to stay at a Super 8 next to the party hotel, rather than pay the price for the nicer rooms where the party is at.  Whatever though, he still paid for everything.  He said I didn’t seem like a fast food kind of girl, but I said I am fine with that and he bought me some Wendy’s while I was changing into my outfit in the motel.

I wore my French maid costume again, since that seemed easy and there was no one I would likely know at this party anyhow. 

He took a couple pics before we left to the party…here’s one of them 😉
V__C601

The party actually consisted of people from a completely different swinger site, though I guess there are many that are on both.  He wore a Star Trek uniform.  I’d tell you who it was but I honestly don’t even know, not much of a Trekkie, haha.

The party was held in the banquet room of the hotel next door to where we were staying.  The woman at the table checking people in recognized him immediately and they hugged while she handed me some papers to sign.  He was also friendly with the DJ and another couple where I suspect he must have been having sex with the wife at some point or other.  He said they were very good friends.  He was surprised at how many people he didn’t recognize, but it HAS been a couple of years.

The couple that he knew were very friendly towards me.  The woman was wearing a Luigi costume and some other female friend of hers was Mario.  Her husband was dressed like a sailor.  He was a hot, blonde, blue eyed man that was very easy to get along with but after talking with him for a while I know we would be totally incompatible in bed. 

We talked about how he likes to be submissive in the bedroom and have the woman take control.  Actually, in a lot of ways he reminded me of my ex- husband.  If he hadn’t been like that he would have been totally fuckable, but no, just no, lol.  I know all too well, that two submissive people in bed, sucks!!

Anyhow, according to Mr. Motorcycle this couple told him privately that they really liked me.   I think they meant in a more friendly type of way, not trying to have sex. He said they haven’t liked his past 6 girlfriends, so that was quite a feat.  What can I say?  I’m generally pretty easy to get along with.

The rest of the night was typical swinger party stuff.  We drank some Kinky mixed with Moscato and he ended up a little bit drunk though I wasn’t so much.  We danced quite a bit.  He likes to dance and is very good at it but can at times be hard to dance WITH, lol.  It doesn’t help that the music played was like 80% country….gag…  

We walked around and played a little “game” he said he used to do with his ex where he’d point out a couple and ask me if they were hot or not.  If they were hot enough we’d talk to them for a bit and flirt.  This party had a handful of attractive people so it wasn’t too bad, and of course some of the costumes were cool.

At one point he left to go outside with the blonde guy to talk and his wife came over and talked to me.  Meanwhile, there was a bit of an incident outside of the hotel.  Another woman who was sitting near us, her husband, a white guy, had been out there too.  Apparently he was drunk and tossing out the N word, right and left and two other black men standing nearby weren’t too impressed.  The guy I was with and the blonde guy had to break things up before they turned into a fight.

Mr. Motorcycle wasn’t particularly bothered by it, just thought the guy was being a drunk dumbass, and obviously wasn’t intending to use it in a hurtful way, thinking he was being “cool”.  His wife though, was VERY apologetic and freaked out.  She kept saying how in the military he was the only white guy in his battalion or whatever and got used to talking that way.  I’m thinking we are all way too old to be dealing with this kind of crap and should be able to act with class, but again people were drinking. 

Back on the dance floor, a couple that we both found attractive came up and the woman started dancing with us.  The guy pulled me away and started aggressively coming onto me.  Turns out he wasn’t her boyfriend but another guy that had come along with them.  This guy looked to me to be a mix of black and Latino, the guy she was actually dating was a more laid back black man that was just sitting at the table.  She was blonde, short and curvy. 

The Latino looking black guy was coming on really strong, in typical Latino guy fashion, lol and Mr. Motorcycle didn’t seem too happy about it.  I was kind of reluctantly holding back.  He told me the number of their hotel room and we ended up heading back over to their table.  While Mr. Motorcycle was talking to the blonde lady, the Latino dude had his hand behind him and all up under my skirt.  I was trying to dodge him in hopes he wouldn’t find my tampon string.

Oh yeah, I was on my period.  I had been unsure if it would be a good idea to come to a party at all but Mr. Motorcycle had assured me it would be fine.  I was thinking we wouldn’t end up actually playing with anyone but he had commented that men weren’t gonna care about that. 

Well, he was right, as I found out later on.  The Latino looking guy had left the party and we thought he was gone, which was good since Mr. Motorcycle was getting a bit pissed at his aggressiveness towards me.  The blonde woman’s boyfriend, the quieter man, was sitting with her and we’d all been talking and flirting a bit.  I mentioned to her the issue with being on my period and she asked him but he said that was no problem and we ended up heading back to their hotel room.

In the hotel room the woman and her boyfriend started to strip down and rub each other with lotion.  She tried to get Mr. Motorcycle to take off his shirt but he said he was cold. (?)  I had found a tear in my stocking so took them off and she came over and was rubbing lotion on my thighs, legs and butt cheeks while I was lying on my stomach on the bed, talking to them.  Mr. Motorcycle seemed uncomfortable.

Then someone calls and it was the Latino dude.  He shows up in the hotel room, smelling like weed and immediately going for the blonde woman while trying to grope me.  She’s playing with her boyfriend’s dick at the same time and Mr. Motorcycle pulls me up to talk. 

He doesn’t want to do this, he wants me to tell them we are going to leave.  He doesn’t like the Latino dude being there and he hasn’t gotten to fuck me yet himself so he’s not ready for all this.  I say okay and whisper to the blonde that we are going to leave, sorry.  Her boyfriend gets up and talks to Mr. Motorcycle for a minute and seems cool with things.

We gathered up our stuff (forgetting my feather duster) and left the room.  I was wearing Mr. Motorcycle’s leather trench coat over my clothes to keep warm and not be too indiscreet at our own hotel.  He says he just can’t do it, he feels guilty but he isn’t ready to share me when we haven’t fucked and he wasn’t liking the other guy being there.

I said that was fine and no big deal.  We get to our bed in the hotel and start to undress before he says he feels so guilty he might go back up there and talk to them.  That kind of pissed me off because here we were halfway naked.  I was thinking he’s probably going to go up there and try and join in just doesn’t want me participating!  Because he had said he thought she was hot.  So I was like you are going to leave me here??  What so you can go mess with her instead of me?

He said NO and never mind.  We ended up having sex and it was pretty good.  He went down on me (despite me being on my period-though not bleeding much….but still….) and was even saying how good I tasted (um…).  He had his tongue all up in my ass and everything.  Anyhow it was pretty fun but I’m still not really sure about the chemistry.  He was dominant, but not like you’d expect from someone who is supposedly proficient in BDSM. 

He later said he didn’t want to freak me out.  I’m not into BDSM per say anyhow but I still prefer men to be dominant just don’t want them to hurt me, lol.  He did spank me a bit hard and then said he would stop because my skin is too tender.  😛 

Anyhow, we did our thing and passed out in the bed for about 2 hours of sleep before having to get up and get ready for the next day.  He never came, which irritated me a bit, though he did the next morning after a hand/blow job. 

He is now acting super into me and wants to call and text a lot.  I would do him again but I’m not like all gung ho about it at this point.  He made some comments that come across as critical and I am super sensitive.   Like he said one of my pics on the swinger site looked like crap, that I looked ten times better in person.  Okay, well, maybe that was a compliment, but still.  He keeps telling me I don’t talk enough or that I laugh too much and little things like that but at the same time acts all into me.  Stuff like that makes me uncomfortable and less likely to let go with someone.

He wants to go to another party with me though soon and has even gone so far as to buy me a costume and have it sent to my house.  So, we will see what happens with that.  He is really wanting a relationship but I keep trying to tell him I am not ready for something too serious.  He says he just doesn’t want to hear about it if I sleep with other men.  He thinks he will be fine with swinging in the future. 

I guess he’s just coming on really strong and fast and I’m wanting to take things slow.  I’m not like the Producer, jumping in over my head too soon.  The blonde girl has called and been texting and I think her and her boyfriend are still interested.  Mr. Motorcycle thinks they are just interested in ME and not him but I’m not sure that is what it is.  It still remains to be seen…..

Uh-oh

fighting

Tonight the Pilot and I opened a new couples profile together on the swinger site.  We added some pics of ourselves fucking as well as photos taken from each of our individual profiles.  He wrote it up really well and we look and sound awesome, if I do say so myself. 😉

As soon as he put it out publicly we were inundated with views and winks and emails as well as people sending us their private photo galleries.  It’s only been up a couple of hours and there have been something like 400 or more visitors already.  One of our first visitors was apparently, the Professor. :/

I felt awful.  He texted me almost as soon as the photos were posted.  He must have seen the ones of me and tried to click on it on the main page where they feature new photos.  Only, he couldn’t access our actual profile because the Pilot blocked single males from looking at us. 

His text said “I see you block single males from your profile now so I guess you found someone who will treat you well and appreciate you.  Good luck”.    I’d been hoping with him being blocked he wouldn’t have even been able to see the photos.  Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. 😦  No idea if he had to see the ones of us fucking or even recognized that it was us but for his sake I hope not.

It was especially bad because he’d been texting me yesterday, obviously trying to reconnect.  I do still care about him too, a lot, and don’t want to hurt him.  He clearly took us blocking single males as a personal affront but it wasn’t that at all.

The Pilot wanted to do so because he didn’t want to deal with emails from single men.  No reason that he should need to.  If I come up there to visit him and we are playing with someone we meet with our couples profile it wouldn’t be fair for it to be a guy.  Then the Pilot wouldn’t get to fuck anyone and I would.  A single female at least we could both play but he isn’t into guys. 

We kept our single profiles and it was decided to avoid drama we will only hook up with people TOGETHER with our couples profile and if we want to do something separately we need to do it with our own profiles.  Makes perfect sense to me. 

However the Prof was clearly hurt and it put a damper on my excitement.   We texted back and forth and I was here trying to comfort him in between happy texts from the Pilot telling me thanks for being such a cool girl.  We are also planning to go to another party and were getting all the details taken care of for that.  Then he was off to hang out with some swinger friends (and possibly have sex). 

I still feel totally relaxed about the Pilot and what he does without me.  It doesn’t bother me a bit at this point.  He’s just got a really good attitude about it all.  It was his idea to not have any outside hookups without each other from our couple’s profile.  I love the way he sets boundaries like that.  It makes me feel so much better about everything and like I don’t have to worry.

So, back to the Prof.  He was clearly jealous and upset.  I told him I wasn’t blocking single males from my regular profile just for this one and it’s only for occasional play with a friend.  He was like “oh, well ok.  Glad you found a friend that appreciates you”.  I must have told him at some point before that he didn’t appreciate me.  Sigh.

I told him to stop it.  That he’d pretty much broken my heart and that I wasn’t trying to hurt him and that the single male blocking wasn’t personal.  I said I didn’t think he’d even see it, which was true.  We put it in a zip code closer to the Pilot and I just wasn’t expecting the Prof to notice it right away like that.  Our profile photo doesn’t show our faces.

He said our breakup was hard for him too and that he cares for  me and it isn’t easy but I have the right to do whatever I like.  I spent some time explaining that it was just for fun and I’m not tied down to this guy or anything.  He commented “well, he must not want you guys to play with single guys when you’re a couple because he did block them”.  He was really stuck on the blocking thing.  Maybe because it makes him feel shut out and he can’t even look but I really don’t think he wants to see a bunch of pics of me fucking the Pilot anyhow.  I didn’t tell him that though.

I tried to explain our reasoning and he said I didn’t have to but there was still a hurt and jealous tone to his texts.  He kept saying “well, I hope you’re having fun”.  He made a comment that I acted like he was supposed to know this guy or something the way I talked and I said no, not that I know of.  I didn’t tell him this but I’ve barely even mentioned to the Pilot that I had a relationship before him.  I commented that I had been seeing someone about 9 months and going to parties with him occasionally but that’s all he knows.  He hasn’t pressed any further so I kept quiet about it.

It’s possible that they’ve met.  The Pilot apparently also knows (and probably slept with) the married woman that the Prof sees but I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about that.  I didn’t want to get into too much detail with either of them about that kind of stuff.

I finally told the Prof, hey, you didn’t want me anyway, you said you didn’t want any kind of relationship with me.  You said the other woman in your life was more valuable to you and that I wasn’t  worth the trouble.  Then when I tried to see how you were doing you acted uninterested in talking to me.  You seemed happy with all the people you were sleeping with and like I hadn’t really meant anything.

His excuse was that he was really busy with the end of the school year and then getting started in his new job.  He said he can’t believe I don’t think he cares and that he misses talking to me.  I told him I cried for months and you didn’t seem to care then and he said it was because he knew it would be harder.  

I finally said “well, it’s not like anyone was making you not talk to me or be around me.  That was what you wanted”.  He said it was because there was stuff in his life that he needed to get figured out.  I have no clue what he is referring to there.

We left it at that before he went to bed and I’m up here typing.  Part of me is thinking hey, why not just have my cake and eat it too?  Can I somehow incorporate the Prof back into my life without ruining things with the Pilot?  I really do have feelings for him.  Things right now with the Pilot are so awesome though, that I am also afraid to risk it. 

It SHOULDN’T be a risk but I am not so sure that it wouldn’t be.  The Prof knows a lot of people and likes to talk and could very easily get word out about things between he and I in a way that might piss off the Pilot.  I can see him trying to sabotage things with us.  Maybe he wouldn’t and maybe I am being unfair and should give him the benefit of the doubt, but then again, maybe not. 

I also do wonder about whether the Pilot is going to exhibit any jealousy in the future.  It’s too early to tell and if he doesn’t he’d be a rare male indeed.  He’s admitted that he is afraid it is something he could struggle with if he likes someone too much.  Right now he doesn’t ask me about guys but he has said we are free to do what we want with our individual profiles so I know he has to know that is a possibility.  I have no intention of rubbing it in his face or giving him details though unless he asks.

I wonder if it’s possible though, for me to have it all?  Like can I just have all my fun with the Pilot and relegate the Prof to the fuck buddy status he claimed to want or is that just a recipe for hurt and disaster at this point? 

Oh, and the Producer has been more silent lately.  Maybe I upset him when I told him I might be going out of town this weekend.  He knew it was to see another guy and he wanted to come here.  Also, he’s just been through an ordeal because he accidentally tried to board an airplane while carrying a loaded gun in his bag.  EEEk!  As you can imagine the TSA did not take kindly to this, especially coming from a big black man.  I guess it really was an accident and he has a conceal and carry license and a clean record so they let him off but he faces the possibility of like a 25,000 fine and has to be investigated by the Feds.  He said it was really embarrassing. 

Anyway, decisions, decisions……

The Pilot vs the Professor

JDNewPilot VS professor

So the Prof texted me again last night.  He said he hoped my kids enjoyed the gifts and that he still misses talking to me, then a sad face, and goodnight.  I didn’t know how to respond or what to say.  Of course I miss him too.  I hurt for the past couple months over all this.

Part of me just wants to forgive and forget and be with him again.  Yet that seems like it would be foolish because he’s already hurt me.  Why wouldn’t he do it again?  Has anything changed?

I’m sure he’s still talking to that married woman, the one he said he values more than me.  He’s obviously been with a few different women off the swinger site.  He has been looking at my profile again today so I looked back and he’s gotten a handful of validations from women in the past couple months that sound like he probably slept with them. 

So why now?  Several weeks ago, when we texted back and forth, he really didn’t appear interested.  Is he going through a dry spell and reminiscing or what? 

Men do this every time though.  EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME.  If they “break up” with you in some form or another they always come back.  Like one man said “like swallows to Capistrano, men always return”.  I love that saying because it’s sooo true. Without fail. So predictable.

I still have some feelings for him, yeah, but I don’t know if I want him to see that.  I don’t know that I want to make myself vulnerable to him ever again.  I finally texted back about an hour later with a face like this “ :/ “.  That was the last of our conversation, then him looking at my profile. 

Maybe he’s coming to some realizations.  Maybe he’s remembering that I pretty much always treated him well or that the sex was better than what he’s getting now.  Maybe he’s seeing that I was worth more, and have more value, than he gave me credit for.  Maybe now though, it’s too late.

See, because now, I have got new people in MY life.  The Pilot has just been really cool and a lot of fun.  Plus he puts ME first as far as I can tell, and not some lame old married lady.  Yes, he goes and and fucks around and does whatever, but I haven’t felt threatened by it.  He knows that exact same married woman too because she has validated him on the site, (since the Prof and I were together, so fairly recently and AFTER she met the Prof), but no indication of him being attached to her in any way.

I have to ask myself why I felt bad with the Prof and not so much with the Pilot. Like tonight he is off at some campout orgy, lol, and I’m stuck at home, yet I don’t feel the least bit worried or insecure.  Besides him being fairly new in my life, and not yet having a major emotional attachment, I think there are some other factors. 

One, he is clearly interested in me and pays sufficient attention to me when we are together.  Like at the party he was all about me first and the other people he messed with were definitely secondary.  He never made me feel like he was using me to get at “new pussy” or like it mattered all that much to him whether or not he ended up with anyone but me at the end of the night. He seemed plenty happy to return to the hotel room just the two of us, and that made me feel good.

  There were times with the Prof where I felt like he thought it was a letdown if we didn’t end up fucking some other couple or that he was disappointed in me for not wanting to sleep with some ugly guy so that he could get at the wife.  Not that he ever actually pushed me to do so, or would, but I just got that vibe, especially at the second party we went to, which I didn’t write about.

 I can’t help but think that he fed into my insecurities somehow or they wouldn’t have been there.  It’s all about that intuition. I didn’t feel secure enough in his desire for ME to not fear being abandoned.  He was unwilling to offer what seems to me to be BASIC reassurance if we are going to play this way, something the Pilot was willing to give on the first try, without being asked and without assuming it meant some sort of “relationship”.  HE was the one saying hey, let’s discuss how we are going to handle this, ahead of time, and wanting to set boundaries that made me feel safe.

With the Pilot I don’t feel like he is covering anything up, lying, or acting suspicious.  He seems plenty happy to tell me what’s up or what he is about to do with no shame or attitude that assumes it is going to bother me.  I think that was a big thing with the Professor.  He would approach sleeping with someone else as though he expected me to be upset and that would trigger feelings that maybe I should be.  It’s a simple shift in attitude but I do feel like it makes a big difference.

I’m not saying the Pilot is perfect or anything because really I don’t know enough about him yet to see how he will react to certain things.  Yet so far he seems to be handling playing together well, even though he’s admitted at some point he knows he might feel jealousy, if he were in a serious relationship or developed feelings.  He hasn’t seen me play with a guy yet and doesn’t ask about or know about the men in my life so there is no telling how he will react to that. 

As far as picking out couples he thinks we would like to play with though, he has done pretty well.  He finds a couple where both the male and female are attractive and asks me what I think.   So far he has good taste.  To be fair, I think the Prof tried, but there are limited attractive couples in this area, lol.  Still his focus was much more on the woman and the Pilot is being more reasonable about what he thinks I would be attracted to in a man.  Guys like him, of course! 😉

Personality wise, the Pilot and I also seem to get along really well. We have a lot to talk about and his sense of adventure draws out my fun side. I like going out with him a lot and don’t feel inhibited the way I did when I was with the Prof. I can be withdrawn when I don’t feel comfortable but when I do I’m quite happy to be the life of the party.

So for a playing partner, the Pilot actually seems a better match for me.  I don’t feel like I could go back to what I had with the Prof.  It no longer seems good enough in that regard.  Sex with him though, I can’t deny, was wonderful. 

There is just something about the emotional hold the Prof had on me in the bedroom that I can’t even explain.  It was hypnotic.  I’ve never experienced anything like it, not even with the married man who technically was the best sex of my life. 

In spite of that, there were ways in which the sex with the Prof was even better.  It was more than just skill and more than just a sex trance.  It required me to be very vulnerable though and at this point I don’t think I could go there.  I’m too afraid.  Too afraid to give him back that control, after the way things ended. 

I don’t know. Maybe at some point I will be ready to sleep with him again.  Perhaps at this point I wouldn’t want anything more and could handle being fuck buddies.  Not sure that I want to give him that though. I feel like I need more of an apology from him or some kind of recognition that he hurt me and was wrong to do so. Sure he’s given me some gifts and said he misses me, but that doesn’t mean he is going to make any kind of change in the way he treats me. For now I’m not ready, but only time will tell. 

P.S. I just had a policeman at my house because my 13 year old son was missing for half the day. His phone wasn’t working and it was 1 am and I was getting freaked out. He showed up right after the officer got here but I swear this guy was trying to hit on me, lol. He asked if I needed his number to call him later or for him to drive by my house at night and I’m like no my child is here we should be fine. He was also asking if there were any men here? So then he called me again just a little bit ago (at 2 am) and claimed he thought he left a pad of paper at my house. Yeah, no. He didn’t leave anything, haha. Seriously, a pad of paper? LMAO