Tag Archive | swingers

I am so a city girl ;)

Ahhhh….life in the city. Despite all the setbacks with moving here, I am loving it! It immediately felt like home to me, and the little suburb we are in just really fits.

I’m so close to all these things I’ve never had a chance to do or try, stuff that it seems pretty much everyone else living in the real world has done. I was so sheltered for so long, and even though my teen years were wild, I was still pretty young when I met and started dating my ex husband. I was married and had completely STOPPED drinking before I ever turned 21, lol. Some of the men I have spoken with here have been shocked that I’ve never been to a casino, a karaoke bar, a comedy show, or any of a myriad of other basics that I missed out on during all those years I was living in a radically religious environment.

I’m like a kid in a candy store, only I’m held back a bit because I have actual kids. So my time is limited. My responsibilities haven’t changed, though I do have family nearby and more options for babysitting. Even though I love to play, my children are still a priority.

Well, money holds me back too, lol, but I’ve been beginning to discover that there are seemingly men all around in this lovely metropolis that have plenty of it to share. 😉 In fact, I went out with a man yesterday who paid $45 to have my laundry done for me so I wouldn’t “have to sit in the laundromat” (my dryer broke and I am waiting on a new one to arrive). He also took me out to lunch and tonight he wants to take me to a casino, possibly in one of the limo’s he says his business owns. I’m assuming I get to play with his money, and he is getting a room there as well. ::: squeal :::

This guy is kind of an interesting situation. I met him on Craigslist, where he was looking for a submissive, white, female, but he is on the swinger site as well and I had seen his profile before (though there are no pics). It says he is 49, but I am suspecting he may be a little older. He was different, in that he wasn’t looking to play with married women, but only single ones. His swinger profile says something about wanting a poly relationship.

Over lunch he made a comment about another woman he is seeing. He later told me he would like for me to meet her, but that there will be no pressure to play together, its entirely up to us. He’s actually been pretty cool so far about being fine with me doing whatever I want as well.

He’s decent enough looking, if older, and owns his own business, which clearly makes some bank. He was talking about how he likes to do things for people and wants to know what I’m dealing with because he may be able to “help out” in some way or another. According to him, he told one woman he is not a “sugar daddy” but then he is kind of belying that with his behavior. So I guess we will see. I’m not trying to take advantage of anyone but if he wants to pay for stuff I am totally cool with that!! 😉

He even mentioned the possibility of buying me a new phone! Mine is having major issues so that would definitely be nice! I’m not getting half my texts and some aren’t going out. It is driving me crazy! It really messes up communication with people and kind of fucks with my abandonment issues (as well as others). I’m trying to keep my cool and figuring the people who want to stay in my life will, regardless.

His voice sounds an awful lot like The Professor’s. Kinda funny. In a way I sort of like that. I wonder what he will be like in bed??

I’ve not had as much sex as you might expect, so far, living here, but I have been super busy with life in general. I did sleep with the Host once since I have been here and most recently I met another new man. He is an interesting situation as well!

This guy, I also met on Craigslist. I did a little browsing and responded to a few different ads the other day. 😉 Turns out he is a guy who had ALSO hit me up recently on the swinger site. Damn, us sex addicts are always on all the sites, lmao.

Anyhow, this one I had actually responded to, and he had emailed back but we just hadn’t taken it further yet and then we met on Craigslist. Kinda funny. He too, was specifically seeking out white girls. What’s REALLY funny is that it turns out he used to date a girl I went to high school with!

She is blonde, short and curvy and has a very pretty face. I think she may have been a cheerleader. I remember her from back in the day because she was running around with some of the same crowd and dating some of the same guys that I was. We weren’t personally good friends or anything but I don’t have anything against her.

Still competing with the same girls I was in high school, for the same guys though, lol, how fucked up is that?? I’m in a totally different city, HE is in a totally different city than either of us, wtf?? Hahaha What’s even funnier is that very recently I have seen a lot of pics of her on Facebook, because she is working with one of my GIRLS from back in the day, peddling a beauty product.

This girlfriend of mine and I used to get into hella trouble, so I know she is no angel, lolol. In fact I had halfway considered getting her to come to some swinger parties with me when I ran into her again on Facebook. She is a tall, slender but curvy, black girl that is now rocking her natural hair and has always been a fashion queen. She used to CRACK me up at parties with her side comments to me about things people were wearing. Things I would never even notice, like the fact that some guy had come with a rope holding up his pants instead of a belt, lmao. She’d be all under her breath “would you check out THE BELT” and have me on the verge of spitting out my drink. Hahahaha

We grew up on the poor side of town and none of us had money, but her mom was a crackhead and her dad was homeless. Her mom had these giant wine glasses in the house that were the size of your head and we used to steal them to go to keg parties where you had to pay for your beer by the cup. Somehow we managed to get away with it, lol, and ended up with a free beer buffet.

She also used to do all her makeup at the store. Like, we’d walk in and she’d be opening up packages and just put on her face right there plus a little perfume. Haha… Somehow she never got caught and always ended up looking good. We’ve all grown up, but I’m not sure she isn’t still a klepto, especially when it comes to clothes.

I love her to death but I’m not sure hanging out with her at this point in my life would be a good idea, lol. I also know how she is about guys and she likes the pretty ones…really good looking but super conceited and complete assholes. I haven’t seen a whole lot of her “type” at the swinger parties.

Anyhow, this guy said he was with the BOTH of them this past weekend, his ex and my friend. He said they were at a bar and my friend got stood up by some guy and was pissed. Yep…I told you, she likes the assholes, lol. She even dated the guy I refer to as “The Asshole” in some of my other posts, a former fuck buddy of mine, for a bit. Never!! I couldn’t stand him like that! 

Not sure what that means with this guy and his ex/”friend” but I don’t really care. I told him just not to tell them where he met me and he was like “uh, same to you” LMAO. It did make him seem like a safer option than some of the other guys I had talked with off Craigslist and I ended up hanging with him. I even accidentally stood up another guy I had planned to meet later, at a hotel. Ooops!! I got a little occupied and totally forgot!!

He took me out for dinner and drinks at a very nice restaurant in the heart of the city. We talked a lot and I got a little tipsy and we went to a hotel around the corner. He ran in to see how much it cost and said it was a lot but he told the guy at the front counter “fuck it, it’s worth it” and paid. 😉

This guy working there was a trip. He was a young black man, maybe in his 20’s, with dreads. After the guy I was with went in the restroom, he kept asking me about what we were up to that night. He was like “you two are gonna kick it aren’t you?” alluding to the fact that he knew we were about to have sex. Well, yeah, no luggage, Sunday night…last minute…um…

Then I ran into the restroom and when I came out the guy I came with was like “that guy is really interested in you, and he kept asking me if we were going to ‘kick it'”. LMFAO!

In any case, the sex was pretty good. He was maybe not quite as dominant in bed as I would have liked but I did get to cum. He kept stopping right before I would cum several times and was trying to hush me a bit, which I hate, but whatever. For the most part it was good and he was good with his tongue and fingers too, which I haven’t had much of lately so I was enjoying that. 😉 He wants to meet up again later this week.

I’ve been talking to some more guys but I don’t have time to explain that all at the moment. We will wait until something actually happens. 😉

It’s a very firm “yes” to this one ;)

firm man

I’ve kept quiet for a bit because I’ve been in a bit of emotional turmoil over things with the Professor, but I met with a new man last night and had a blast.  I think I’ll refer to him as “Mr. Firm” 😉  That suits him in more ways than one and he works as an IT manager at a law firm.  He’s also very athletic, played football and baseball in college and still coaches his kid’s teams and is in great shape.

The Professor, well, it’s pretty much the same old same old so not going to dwell too much on that.  He contacted me again and I was a bit snappy.  I told him if he doesn’t think I am good enough to be his Facebook friend then he’s probably not good enough to be my friend in real life.  He said he didn’t mean to hurt me, but why else would you reject someone’s request like that?  What’s another Facebook friend, seriously? He tried to claim he hadn’t been on Facebook at all and I said well, a week was plenty enough time for him to get on there and either accept me or delete the married woman, like he said he was going to.  He hasn’t, as suspected, and I’m pretty damn sure he never will. 

I don’t know or get his reasoning for treating me that way but it pisses me off.  Then he tries to send me sad faces and act like it bothers him and saying “ok, I’ll just leave you alone”.  Whatever.  His Facebook rejection was upsetting me so much it was keeping me up at night worrying and wondering why he didn’t want me there.  If he really cared there IS something he could do about it but it’s his CHOICE not to.  I’m not going to keep going on with him as long as I’m being seen as substandard in some way to this woman.  It’s just way too insulting.

So the past several days I’ve kind of been throwing myself into housecleaning and preparing for the upcoming school year.  It’s keeping my mind off of him.  I also went out with the Producer, who took me to the fair and we rode rides together.  He let me drive his car which was nice, though he was making jokes about people thinking I’m his “sugar mama”.  Not so sure I like that but whatever, he’s the one paying for stuff. 😉  He is making some kind of plans to take me out for my birthday later in the month so excited about that too!  Yay!! It’s fun to get a little spoiled once in a while! 😉

Sex with the Producer is still pretty much the same though it was better than usual the last time we got together.  I was about to start my period and am always super horny the day before. What’s crazy is that I started 5 days late.  I wasn’t freaking out TOO much since the Producer was the only one I’ve slept with lately and he’s good about pulling out but yeah, that was a little stressful.  I think maybe the stress and worry of things with the Prof and the Fuck Buddy and everything combined may have just gotten to me.

Offhand, I also met again with that guy who gave me the flowers awhile back if any of you all remember him.  He works with homeless kids and is a personal trainer.  He’s really nice, but alas, that’s just it.  He doesn’t TRY anything on me!  Aside from making comments about WANTING to, he doesn’t actually DO it!!  GRRR….  Way too shy for me.  I really need a more aggressive man.  He’s cute though!  Just hate passivity in men, it turns me off.  That and his comments over text are things like “are you going to let me get to second base next time?”.  What are we in Junior High?  LMAO  I’ll be 37 in a couple weeks and guys are asking to get to second base…SMFH.

So anyhow, last night I finally got to meet this guy I’ve been waiting on.  Mr. Firm.  Mmmmmm…. 

I met Mr. Firm on the swinger site.  He’s got twice as many validations as even the Pilot or the Professor and has been doing this for quite a while.  From what I read I had no doubt he was going to be good in the sack.  He is also good at communicating over email and text.  I was liking him before we ever met and figured he would be the most promising of the several guys I’ve been chatting with.

He’s not annoying and doesn’t text constantly and he’s in a long term relationship with the mother of his child.  He says they have an open relationship and only play when travelling, so he plays more often but she is allowed to also.  I asked if they swing together and he says they have occasionally but mostly don’t because they have found it is easier and helps keep out drama just not to discuss it.

I’ve been picking his brain a bit on this because I am curious how they manage to work it all out.  According to him they started out monogamous but would go on camping trips with friends which evolved into sexcapades and eventually lead them to swinging.  After the baby was born she was less interested in playing but now that the child is older she sometimes does and he keeps on quite a bit.  She plays with other men, but not couples.  He does both and he says it turns him on, not off, to see a woman fucking another guy.  I had to test him a bit on this before sending him any pics of me in action due to my recent experience with my Fuck Buddy.

In fact, he has invited me to join him and two other guys at a hotel here soon in another state. They are guys he went to school and played sports with, from his Fraternity. (Damn, here I am contemplating Frat boys again). I’m actually REALLY tempted, lol.  I know I have said I’m not into gangbangs but in this scenario, well, let’s just say it sounds HOT!!  So, we will see and if I have any updates I’ll let you all know but don’t want to say too much too soon. 😉  There’s no pressure since he says both the men are attractive and have no problems getting plenty of pussy on their own.  We’d all be going out together so there’s no telling what could happen in the end.

Speaking of attractive, Mr. Firm is way hotter than the pictures he sent me online!!  He reminds me of so many guys I’ve been with all at once, it’s funny.  His face is like a combination of my FWB and this guy that was a FWB of mine back in high school.  Well the guy was in college at the time and a basketball player but last I heard he was moving off to the Ivory Coast.  Haven’t seen or heard from him since.  We had a great, drama free thing going on though. Anyhow, I picked the picture above because I think it looks a little bit like him, though he’s bald 😉

In bed, OMG, he is fantastic and reminds me in many ways of both the Professor and the Married Man, in other ways he is a bit like the Pilot.  All good news!!  He’s still not quite on par with the Married Man, but he’s pretty damn good!!  I have my doubts that anyone is going to make it to that level, lol and the Prof and I just had this emotional thing in the bedroom that I can’t  really explain and no one’s gotten there yet either. 

Still, WOW!! 😀  I’m quite happy with what transpired last night!!  Haha!  He’s very dominant and fabulous with his tongue.  He managed to make me cum maybe 4 or 5 times and once even made me squirt with his fingers.  I’m still not sold on the squirting thing though.  I just don’t like the way it feels near as much as a regular orgasm.  I think it hurts and that detracts from my enjoyment.  I’ve only experienced a for sure squirting thing once before though, with my Fuck Buddy, and really I wouldn’t necessarily know that I haven’t done it other times as well.

He likes to kiss and has a perfect, somewhere around 8 inch, cock.  With the lack of kissing from the Producer I kind of miss that so I love having someone I can get more passionate with.  We were in all kinds of positions and I loved the way he talked to me in bed.  Mmmm… He had asked me beforehand what really turns me on and I mentioned my love of hearing a sexy man’s voice during sex.  He wasn’t like, talking the whole time, lol, but it was good.

I loved the way he’d just grab my legs and yank me across the bed to another position (the Married Man does that too) and how he’d put it ALL the way in and just hold it there, waiting for me to squirm (the Prof and some others do that too, hot).  He loved having his nipples licked and sucked on, haha, which seems to be typical of the guys I’ve been running into lately (the Pilot was really into that).  He came REALLY hard which turns me on even more.  Right before he was asking where I wanted him to cum and when I said “in my mouth” you should have seen the look on his face, haha.  😉

Afterwards he was telling me how good it was and saying he was definitely going to have to travel this way again.  Mmmhhmm….  I always wonder what makes guys say that since I don’t feel like I do anything that unusual in the bedroom but he was all WOW about it too.  🙂 🙂 🙂

I thought I’d be bothered a bit by the fact that he has someone at home but I’m really not.  It doesn’t feel as awkward since he doesn’t talk to her about his playing and it’s more of a don’t ask, don’t tell arrangement.  He says he might like to go to a party with me sometime as well!  Hopefully soon I’ll have more to tell….

Flashback: My First Swinger Party

swingers

I was just realizing I haven’t told the story of my FIRST swinger party on my blog and that some of you all might like to read about it. 🙂 I get quite a bit of traffic from people doing google searches about swinger parties so I gather there are a lot of folks out there who are interested in hearing about personal experiences before they ever give it a try themselves. So for them, and all of you, I’m reposting something I wrote on a forum that first night (which was like 6 months ago now). Enjoy a little flashback to my first ever entrance into “the Lifestyle”…. 😉

A little backstory for those who don’t know. I met a guy awhile back on Craigslist and he had told me about a site for swingers and swinger parties that he is on. I signed up but didn’t put up a picture or profile and was just looking and checking it out. After he and I had sex he got really into me and didn’t seem as excited about me going to the party but he knew I was curious and wanted to attend one in our area. I had spent the better part of our first date asking him questions about it and then we had sex on this trailhead sign at a local walkway. Slept with him one other time since then but he is clearly head over heels. He has gone over and above trying to do things for me. He’s a really nice guy and decent in bed just am not super into him. I feel bad because he likes me a lot but I’m just not feeling it. :/

Okay so there was an upcoming party in our area that I really wanted to check out. He was already signed up and had told me before that prior to parties he emails with potential prospects that he might play with. He knew I wanted to go even though he didn’t seem as excited about it and suggested I add more to my profile after signing up so people could contact me. So I updated it a bit (still no picture but they can see I am a single female) and put my name on the list where people could click and look at my profile if they were thinking about going. I got a few emails from that but only responded to one guy.

The guy I responded to is a Professor at a local University. He and I went out on a date, followed by some really good sex the night before the party. He offered to accompany me to the party so that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and said he would drive me there (it was a little outside of town). I was a little concerned about the other guy’s reaction but he was already going to be there (at a hotel next door, he lives like an hour and a half away) and I tried to diffuse it a bit by telling him I had met someone who offered to drive me and that I would be drinking so it would probably be best. We ended up going together as a couple because the party was already full with the allotted amount of single males (which I think is 10%). The trailhead guy wasn’t too excited and said he thought it would be fine to drive myself but I really didn’t want to show up there alone anyway.

The party started early, but the professor and I decided to show up a few hours later due to my having to pay for a babysitter and because he said things pick up later on anyway. So when we showed up all eyes were on us. Being an interracial couple when there are only 2 other black people (both single males) at the party where there are about 150 people kind of does that, and me being new and all, we attracted some attention. I was wearing a brown and tan zebra print dress that is kind of a cross between a sundress and a wrap around and a bodysuit, lol. (It also has hidden pockets so I was able to slip my cell phone in and leave my purse in the car) Tight enough to show off curves pretty well and my wooden, zebra print, semi- platform heels, which are about 4 inches tall and made me taller than him, lol. He was in a nice dress shirt and slacks.

So when we walk in the door we had to sign some forms and the professor made a donation for us to get in. One of the ladies sitting at the table looked very familiar. I think she used to attend the church where my ex husband was children’s pastor….gulp…lol She kept kind of looking at me throughout the night. I’m sure she was all wtf, the children’s pastor’s wife is here with some black dude at a swinger party….heart attack, lmao! Not to mention that was in a very small, very white, community of about 1,500 people that is 30 minutes away from here and everyone knows his family and his dad is a well known preacher. Ah well….

The layout of the club was a bunch of long tables, one side was the smoking section and the other side was non smoking. In between there was a stripper pole and at the front there was a dance floor. Behind the tables was a table with food and drink but it was bring your own alcohol and the Professor had brought a cooler with our bottles of wine. Off to the side of the smoking section there were two silhouette rooms made with curtains. One room had a Sybian machine and the other had a sex swing. The lighting was set so that you could see the silhouettes of people playing in those rooms. Soon after we walked in the door we could hear a woman screaming loudly above the music on the Sybian. LOL

The people were of varying ages and sizes. There were a lot of unattractive older people as expected but there were also several younger, more attractive people roaming around as well, mostly couples. Some of the people were half naked. A lot of women were topless, but mostly these were older ladies or overweight ones. The more attractive folks for the most part, had clothes on. The professor seemed to know quite a few people and led me around introducing me to them. Shortly after we arrived I saw the trailhead guy waving me over to talk. He was sitting at a table surrounded by fat ladies who seemed interested in him. The professor insisted I let him pour me a drink first and was like “then you can go over and talk to your friend”. So we got situated and drank a little and met a few people first.

First thing he introduced me to a couple of older men and one of them recognized me off of AFF!! He was like “you have a picture of just your ass as your profile on there don’t you?” Um, yes I do, and NO face pics so I don’t know how the hell he knew it was me. It kind of freaked me out and he said something about me having an uncommon name so he recognized it. I was wondering how on earth an old white guy would have had a chance to find out my name on AFF because its not like I respond to very many emails like that, especially sharing my real name. I think I’ve finally figured out that he has to be that sugar daddy guy that I had corresponded with for awhile, but never went through with. He said he remembered me from a couple of years ago. Eeeek! Then an almost naked older lady in a thong came up and was hugging and rubbing on the professor from the back. Soon after an older man that he introduced me to pulled me out on the dance floor and wanted to dance with me old school style, spinning me around and stuff while I was in my heels to a slow song…lmao. The professor danced with his wife.

I briefly made it over to say hi to the trailhead guy and he made some comment about my “date” that made it obvious he wasn’t too happy about it. I flirted for a few then dashed off again because I didn’t want to make the fat ladies too jealous. The professor was leading me around, introducing me to more people and took me into the sybian room to watch a lady on it and then to the sex swing. As soon as I walked into the sex swing room a woman told me to get up on it and try. I was still feeling pretty shy and tried to decline but she insisted and said I didn’t have to do anything but that she would eat my pussy if I liked. I climbed up on it but declined having my pussy ate, lmao. I just wasn’t ready for that yet. She asked another time but I said that’s ok. I sat in the swing and the other people left and the professor started kissing and fingering me and talking to me while I drank some more wine in there. We didn’t stay too long though and went to meet more people.

I finally made it back over to the trailhead guy. The professor offered to accompany me but I said that I would be okay (he already knew about the other guy and that we had sex before and he likes me). So I went over and he was excited to talk to me and told me that some fat, old woman had cornered him in the bathroom and pushed him up against the wall and took off her panties and said how much she loves big, black men and that it had kind of freaked him out and he told her he likes to take time to get to know people first, lol. Anyway, he wanted me to stay and talk and one of the women he was sitting with seemed a little irked so I tried to engage her in conversation too. He told me if I needed I ride home I didn’t need to go with the professor guy but that this girl would drive me. I said I thought I’d be okay. Then he wanted me to sit on his lap, so I did and he was kissing me.

While we were kissing up comes the fat, old lady that had cornered him in the bathroom. She starts rubbing on his head and kissing him from the back. Then she goes on to tell him how pretty she thinks I am and starts trying to kiss ME. I was a little ooked but wanted to be polite so I went along with it, lmao. I pulled away quick though and he managed to deflect her for a bit and she went to kiss the girl that he had offered to have drive me. Whew! I decided it would be a good time to head back to the professor. I had already seen him looking at me a few times from across the room and I was on my 3rd plastic cup of wine, which meant I’d actually drank the entire bottle and was a little tipsy. Okay, a lot tipsy. I accidentally knocked over a chair on my way back and the professor saw me and rushed over because I was having trouble standing it up again. I was actually starting to feel naseous due to drinking a little too much a little too fast so he took me outside for a bit and had me sit down and drink lots of ice water, kissing me and talking to me until I was feeling better enough to go back in.

When we went back in I signed a paper so I could try out the Sybian machine. We went in the room and it was just me and the professor and the fat, old guy running the Sybian. It cost 10 dollars so the professor paid for it and lifted my dress and started slipping off my panties from the back so I could get on the machine. The old guy was standing right behind me and they were talking about my ass, ha. He started hinting that he would like my panties as a tip so the professor asked if that would be okay and I let him give them to the guy. He said that was the best tip of the night. Anyhow I got on the Sybian but the first attachment was hurting me so I had to get off and they put on a smaller one. Maybe because I’d had a little too much to drink or just because I am sensitive even the smaller one was kind of intense. The guy said he only had it up less than halfway and I came pretty quickly and was ready to get off after that first time. He said I could come back any time for the rest of the night for free but I didn’t go back.

We talked to more people and at one point made out for a few in a bathroom but no sex in there or anything. A couple of different guys tried to feel up my dress or grab my butt when we were talking to them. The professor asked if I wanted to leave and go back to his place and I agreed and we were getting ready to leave and I had to make another bathroom run. While I was in there I heard a guy outside the door talking to the professor and he was saying “wow, she is drunk you could get her to do almost anything you wanted to right now” and the professor laughed. To me it sounded like he was just being polite but the trailhead guy was nearby and heard them talking and got pretty upset. He was having some kind of discussion with the professor when I came out and he pulled me off to the side and said be careful, I don’t like what I heard those guys saying about you and you are drunk and shouldn’t go home with him. I will have this woman give you a ride. I said I will be okay and he insisted that only if I text him and call and let him know I am home safely. I said okay and the professor came and took me by the arm out the door.

As we were heading out to his car we stopped to talk to some couples that said they were going to one of their houses and the professor asked if we could come along. He told them it was my first party and he thought I might like to see what it was all about and they readily agreed. I texted my babysitter to say we would be out longer and we went to their house. There were two other couples and we sat in the living room and talked for a bit. One couple was a pretty 40 year old nurse and her 35 yr old husband. She is a redhead that dies her hair more of a strawberry blonde and I later saw she had a clit piercing and fake boobs. Her husband (or maybe he was just a live in boyfriend, but something like that) was a more reserved guy with glasses but decently attractive. He looked like your typical IT dude. The other couple was an outgoing, muscular guy with tatoos that I think said he was 37-38 and his 25 yr old, petite, blonde wife. She was more shy seeming and he later said she had never had sex with anyone besides him until they started swinging 8 months ago and until recently they were just doing “soft” swaps with other women and no actual sex. She did end up having sex with the other husband there, but not the professor.

Anyway, we talked for a few and then they were like lets get naked so we all went back to the couple’s bedroom/playroom. The other women got undressed first and started making out and the professor starts sliding my clothes off from behind and takes me over to them and so the three of us females were making out and then the guys started joining in. At first I was making out with both women and went down on the blonde girl and the nurse’s husband started going down on me. I can’t tell you what everyone else was doing at that point because I don’t know but when I looked up the professor was doing the blonde nurse lady from the back and the other lady’s husband was rubbing on my boobs while the nurse was giving him a blowjob and I started giving one to the nurse’s husband.

I really can’t remember everything but at some point the professor called me over to him and the nurse and asked me to taste her so I did and she and I were like in a 69 and he started doing me from behind. Later on I was bent over the bed with the tatooed guy and I could see in the mirror across the room that his wife was kissing him. There was lots more of pretty much everyone doing everyone, lol. Tatooed guy tried to slip it in my ass once but I pulled away and didn’t do him after that. I’m just not really into anal, especially with a stranger but there was still touching and stuff. He kept telling the professor what I nice ass I have and he would agree.

At one point the nurse pulled out her strap on and wanted to do me with it so everyone stopped to watch. Then she wanted me to ride her on it so I did and then the other woman wanted a ride. It ended up with all the couples on the bed and the professor fucking me missionary style and he kept making me cum over and over, long after everyone else was finished. The tatoo guy just came and sat by our heads and started jacking off and kept saying “God that’s so hot” over and over again, lmao. The nurse lady was amazed that Mr. Professor was still hard after all that time (he still hadn’t cum). He kept telling me later that he needs to make it up to me with some better one on one sex later. It was pretty good though!! Haha….

Afterwards we all talked for a little bit and the nurse gave people some pickles she’d been canning all day but the professor and I had to get going. The nurse’s husband said he felt a little used with us just being like “nice fuck everyone” and then leaving, lmao, but I think he was joking. We went back home and the prof paid for the couple extra hours of babysitting I needed. He’s been texting me today to see how I liked it and how I am doing. Meanwhile I had sex with my fuck buddy/military dude which was hot. Anyhow, I think that’s pretty much the gist of it all. Enjoy.

Big black men… is it true?

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First of all, beware that this is a racially charged topic. I think it’s important to realize that ALL people, whether we are black, white, or whatever hold some stereotypes in our minds and sometimes there is a grain of truth behind them but that DOESN’T mean we can make blanket assumptions about EVERY person that belongs to that group. You just can’t, because even if a stereotype holds somewhat true there are always exceptions to the rule. I also hope we can discuss this like mature adults without insults towards any group of people. With that said, come on, let’s drop the worries about being politically correct too. If we can’t be open and discuss varying experiences then it actually BREEDS racism because being afraid to TALK about things from different viewpoints is what keeps folks in the dark and leaves them to their wild imaginations, reinforcing negative ideas, fear, and hatred of others.

Also, realize that although I am white myself I grew up in a home where I was the only all white kid and I am used to what might sometimes seem like wildly inappropriate jokes about “white people” and “black people”, lol. So forgive me if sometimes I seem like I’m doing the very thing I am preaching against! Haha… I’m not really a racist at all and in fact it is one of my pet peeves although some of the stuff I say in this blog might come across as otherwise to people who don’t understand where I am coming from.

Okay, done with the lecture, let’s get to the real topic at hand and the question everyone everywhere has been dying to know and hear about from a female who has had the opportunity to make some assessments, lol. 😉

DO BLACK MEN REALLY HAVE BIGGER DICKS???

The other day, at the last swinger party I attended with the Professor, we were standing in a room watching some people have sex when a typical country- boy white guy walked into the room and made a typically clueless statement and assumption about the Professor and the only other black man there. He was like “you guys are lucky because you have the big dicks” and started going on about how unfair it was that black men always have huge cocks. Of course this was said without having ever SEEN either of these men naked. How would he know that either one of them was sporting a huge package? He didn’t! But he thought he did because of all the “rumors” that this is true and due to who knows how much porn he has seen where black men with large penises are fetishized.

Now besides porn, there is the added practice in the swinger community of bringing black men in to have sex with white couples in a fantasy/fetish way that honestly creeps me the fuck out because it comes across as flat out racist. They call the guys “bulls” and “studs” and even have these parties that I have heard referred to as “mandingo” parties where they bring in black men to have sex with guys wives in order to feed into cuckhold fantasies and fetishes. Now, I’m not one to judge people for their fantasies, I just find it disturbing because the focus seems to be on the skin color of the participants and because of the attitudes of some of these white couples that any random black guy with a big cock will do.

It bothers me very much when I think of these men being objectified like that. However, they obviously don’t mind or they wouldn’t be doing it! And of course they get lots of sex out of the deal and what man doesn’t like that? So it is easy to see why the practice continues and not too many people are complaining. I mean, this is an activity where consenting adults are agreeing to do something so that is really their business. I once recently even saw a swinger party advertised as a “BBC Party” in a nearby city, and it was taking place in a predominately black area. Having a big, black, cock is definitely sort of a “novelty” thing for some.

I have had the opportunity to talk to a few guys who have been involved in this sort of exchange and it is interesting to say the least. Sometimes they seem to get off on the idea too, of course, though some guys, like the Professor, seem to find it odd as well and feel a little uncomfortable with it but go right ahead and fuck the women anyway. He has said he’s not really into the gangbang thing however.

I’ve known a few different black men that have told me white couples have actually PAID them to fuck the wife. One guy told me a man paid him to have sex with his fiancé while he watched and another guy mentioned having sex with a woman that he wasn’t very attracted to simply because her husband gave him $500 dollars. He said it wasn’t that bad and she wasn’t bad in bed even though she was kinda fat and ugly. Nice. I can see how this would be appealing to a lot of black men, especially those who aren’t doing well financially. I guess it’s sort of like women who have a sugar daddy, sometimes. These couples are taking them out on their boats and on vacations and giving them all kinds of privileges just to have sex with the wife. Again, they are doing this of their own choosing but it still seems exploitative.

So anyway, back to the question at hand. Do black guys REALLY have bigger cocks to begin with?? Or is this a myth? The Professor asked my opinion, kind of indirectly, after the conversation the other day at the swinger party. He was like “you’ve seen a lot”, which is true, though he doesn’t know my actual numbers. I gave him kind of a pat answer about it “not necessarily” being the case, though maybe on average they are a little bigger, which is true, but I didn’t want to delve into too much detail because I’m pretty sure he didn’t want to hear about other guys dicks that I have had sex with. I also thought it a conversation better not gone into over text because things can be misunderstood and misconstrued and he has shown some uneasiness at my past exploits before. SO, I focused more on being appreciative of his (rather well) endowment and you guys get to hear my thoughts on the matter instead! For now, lol, lucky you!! Maybe I will tell him more later if we are still talking.

I have personally slept with a lot more black men than white, so it’s not really a fair sample but I’ve done both. I’ve also ONCE had sex with an Asian guy, who was averagely endowed, maybe 6 inches, and a couple of Hispanic dudes who were both punching in at around 6.5-7. That’s all I’m gonna say about that because that’s really all I’ve seen, lol. I have also seen quite a few black and white penises that I haven’t ACTUALLY slept with, like guys I have given blow jobs to or a hand job at some point. Oh, and there was a guy that was a mix of Jamaican, Hawaiian, Japanese and white that I have messed with but we never had actual sex. Lucky him, he had it from all sides, lol, and I’d estimate him to be about 7.

Keep in mind though that I kind of suck at estimating things!! I may be hugely over or under estimating EVERYONE, who knows?? Once a girl and I who had slept with several of the SAME GUYS got into a discussion about dick size and one guy I thought was HUGE she thought was small. WTF? I was thinking he had like a 9 inch cock and she was like “are you kidding me?” I also thought he was GREAT in bed and he was my absolute favorite at the time, but she thought he sucked. Just goes to show how much sexual chemistry between two people matters and makes all the difference. If a woman thinks you are great in bed she probably also thinks you have THE BEST COCK EVER at the time! I know that is how I am anyway. Sometimes we even overestimate how big you are, like when we like you our emotions so color our view that it makes your cock grow in our head, lol. I also don’t consider myself a “size queen” because I am more interested in how he uses it than what he is sporting. It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean and all that. Still, my two current favorites in the sack both claim to be about 8 inches, and the Professor has commented that I “really like it deep”, so maybe I do like them kind of big. Hmmmm….

On that note, I will mention that I personally think there is such a thing as TOO BIG. The biggest guy I ever had sex with was 11 ¼ inches. HUGE, and I know his exact size only because OTHER guys were telling me that. They were all so jealous but they really needn’t be. He couldn’t even get it in all the way and it was awkward for him to maneuver and hurting me and the sex wasn’t all that good at all. I’d consider a cock that big something of a handicap, to be honest. He was biracial by the way, so no telling if he got that giant dick from the white side or the black, though I’m sure most in our society would assume the latter. I also slept with a guy once that had probably the shortest cock I have ever seen, maybe 4 inches, but it was so freaking wide I could barely get on it. It was like the width of a coke can, for real, and it made me tear and bleed and was so unpleasant that I never slept with him again. He was black.

Personal experience though, from a woman who has had sex with over 40 black men and at least 10 white guys and seen quite a few more, would say that on average the white guys ranged from maybe 5.5-8 inches and the black men were more like 6.5-9. So yes, slightly bigger. Still not a HUGE difference and really it correlates with the studies you will see on the subject.

When I was younger I had only heard the black men are bigger theory from black guys and I thought they were full of shit and just basically tooting their own horns. I didn’t believe there was any actual basis in fact. Even now, I have seen a couple of pretty big white guys so it does happen. I have also seen plenty of black guys that were in the 6-7 range and I’d even go so far as to say that is “most”. What kills me is that often black men who are a very nice sized will sometimes say they are “average” because there is this expectation that they are supposed to be HUGE. I also once had an encounter with a black guy that I couldn’t tell you whether or not was actual sex. It was dark and I was drunk and he put what felt like a finger inside of me and later claimed we had had sex to others. If we did then he had the smallest dick I’ve ever experienced and if that is the case I can only imagine how that might make him feel with all these high expectations.

Nowadays I hear a lot of white guys making the claim that “all black guys are huge”. I guess this is said out of jealousy to some extent but it’s also an unfair assumption to make. A lot of black men are just “normal” or maybe slightly bigger than average and there are even some out there that are on the small side. Not all white guys are average sized either, there are a few that are pretty darn big! That said I have been with a fair amount of black men that are in the 8-9 inch range. Maybe 15? I seem to be coming across it more lately and that probably has some to do with the fact that I have met guys off the swinger site (which attracts bigger black guys) and places like Craigslist where they are advertising that fact (like the married man I sleep with). Still my current fwb is pretty darn big too and I met him on OKCupid. It might appear that I am choosing guys based on their dick size, lol, or even on their skin color, but that’s honestly not it. I am attracted to certain traits like confidence and dominance and I think men with larger sized cocks seem to come by those more easily sometimes. It’s probably due to their self –perception, because men tie up their own worth into their cocks more so than I think women do. Also, my penchant for black men is really probably more a product of having grown up around more people of color than white folks and just feeling safer and more comfortable talking to them. It’s not a “fetish”.

Anyway, in conclusion, you can’t judge a cock by it’s cover. Don’t assume until you’ve seen him take off those pants that you know what he’s packing. I’ve also heard the myth that short guys have shorter dicks and that I can assure you is NOT the case. Most of the guys I have been with recently that are sporting 8-9 inches below the belt aren’t much taller than me (5’6”). There are all kinds of body shapes and cock sizes and I rarely meet a cock I don’t like ;). If I like the GUY I’m probably gonna fall in love with his cock too.

So don’t be so quick to stereotype. Yes there are probably more black men with bigger sized dicks than there are white guys overall, but that doesn’t speak to ALL. Yes, at the first swinger party where we had a six-some with two white couples the Professor was clearly bigger than both of the other guys but that again was an isolated case. I’m no mathematician but it’s probably SOMEWHAT more likely to be that way but, like everything else in life not a guarantee. The only thing I can guarantee you about black men is that they are all stubborn and bullheaded as hell if you get into an argument and you will never win. I’m kidding… 😉 Kind of…. (try and prove me wrong!! LMAO!!)

Swinger party gone wrong

I’m almost embarrassed to write this. Really it was my own insecurities that ruined the night. But maybe you, dear readers, can glean something from my experience, so here goes.

This weekend I went to the third swinger party of my life. My original plans had actually been to meet with the Professor and a couple from out of town, but they cancelled on us at the last minute. The very last minute, like 5 minutes before I was due to leave out the door, they texted to inform us that they had found a single woman to play with and said that was what their first choice really was. Nice. Not really a huge deal, but annoying and didn’t get our night off to the best start.

So it was then that the Professor suggested attending a swinger party. He said that since we were already fixed up to go somewhere we might as well. The only problem, as I could see it, was that the party had a theme I wasn’t prepared to dress up for. It was a Goth/fetish night and I don’t own any clothes that fit that description.

I hemmed and hawed about what to wear and asked the Professor over text what he thought of one particular lingerie outfit he has seen parts of on me before. It’s not “Goth” but its shiny red with black lace and I would have to run by the store to get some new thigh highs. I could wear my black leather boots. He said not to worry about it. Don’t dress up, most people don’t dress up anyway. My feelings were kind of hurt that he didn’t seem excited about taking me in that outfit but I just said okay. When I called to tell the hosts we were coming the man I talked to said not to worry, he was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt because that’s “as Goth as he gets”. I actually love dressing up, and much prefer to be overdressed than underdressed for an occasion, so I was still a little worried because these were men, after all, and of course they weren’t likely to be wearing sexy clothing.

It was freezing cold outside so I finally settled on tight black leggings, my knee high, leather, high heeled, boots and a low cut, leopard print top. I threw on a chunky gold colored bracelet and some dangly earrings. Far from “Goth,” but it looked good on. Underneath I was wearing a red and black plaid bra with black lace and matching red and black lace panties. It was cold so I had to wear a coat.

The Professor picked me up and stopped by a drive thru to pick me up a salad for dinner. I thanked him and offered to pay for it but he declined, saying if I wanted to buy wine I could pay for that instead. He wouldn’t be drinking since he was driving and I was too embarrassed to admit I actually didn’t have enough money to buy a bottle of wine. So I claimed I thought it would be a good idea for me to try being sober for a change of pace. The other two parties we’d gone to I’d had fun but also been drinking. Not that alcohol, for me, is a bad thing. I don’t drink a whole lot and when I do I’m actually a super friendly drunk, not a problematic one.

We drove a little way out of town for the party and had good conversation but I was ever cognizant of the fact that he hadn’t greeted me with a kiss or any physical affection, like he usually does. When we found a parking spot and got out of his car he seemed a little distant. He asked if I needed help across the gravel and I didn’t because my shoes were high heeled, but comfortable. So he didn’t take my arm and seemed to be walking kind of fast ahead of me. Needing some kind of connection before walking into a situation where I knew there would be flirting and possibly sex with other people, I stopped him, and mentioned that he hadn’t kissed me yet. He said “oh, sorry, I forgot” and gave me a quick peck, before opening the door. My heart started to sink with disappointment and my nervousness was amplified as we walked in.

Sitting at the sign in table were three enormous women in, you guessed it, red and black lingerie. Dammit, I should have worn mine! I would have fit right in. Already I feel out of place. They flirted with the Professor as he paid and completely ignored me.

He has told me before that the wife of the host couple for the parties likes him, but she’s very overweight and he’s not attracted to that. I should probably mention that he has been in “the Lifestyle” for a couple of years and knows a lot of people in this area. I know almost no one. He’s very sociable and I know he’s slept with a lot of married women, but I don’t know which ones, except when he tells me. This makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes when he introduces me to people because I don’t know his relationship to them and if they are people he has been fucking or not. I’m not sure what the women are thinking when they see me with him. People are used to him coming alone. However, this particular party is for couples and single females. Single males aren’t even allowed. It has a reputation for being a bit cliquish. He’s told me so and I observed this at the last party we went to.

Anyway, we walk over to the drink table and fill our cups up with ice and Dr. Pepper. The male half of the host couple comes over to flirt and mentions that the Sybian machine hasn’t been set up yet but will be soon. He tells the Professor how beautiful I look and says he has something even better than the Sybian if we are interested. He sticks his finger under his tongue and wags his tongue at me then hollers over to his wife “honey, which is better, the Sybian or this”? She rolls her eyes and points at his tongue. “THAT”. He is being touchy and flirty with me and tells the Professor he must have “forgotten something outside” and acts as though he is going to pull me away. The Professor laughs and the man asks again what my name is. The Professor says a name that he has called me by accident on more than one occasion. It’s very close to my own and he claims there is a woman he has worked with for several years who is named that and it gets confusing to him. This rubs me the wrong way but I don’t say anything until the man walks away. “My name isn’t ____”, I say, half- jokingly, but not really. He laughingly apologizes.

A moment later, a young couple that apparently knows the Professor walks up to us and starts to chat with him. The woman is wearing nothing but a pair of panties and a tight half shirt. Her panties said something on the back and she turned to show the Professor while her husband encouraged him to smack her on the ass. I have no idea if these are people he has had threesomes with before or not. After slapping her ass she turns around and flashes her gigantic boobs at him and another couple that is now standing there. He finally looks over at me and introduces me to them. He laughs and tells the woman “I keep forgetting her name”. I don’t find this the least bit funny. In fact it’s pretty humiliating for him to say that to a woman he’s just been flirting with and touching all over. I’m polite but inside I’m feeling sick.

We make our way across the room to an area where there is a man whipping people with various instruments on some sort of special chair. I’m watching with interest but definitely not turned on by it at all. It’s very weird to me because the people are requesting what they want to be smacked with and the man later told me he continuously asks them questions about whether or not it’s too hard and makes sure they are comfortable. He gets paid 100 dollars an hour to do this in people’s homes, for both men and women. Crazy. I guess in my mind if I were going to participate in something like that it would have to seem more “real” and less staged. Not that I am into a lot of pain anyway, but I do like spankings, just not in the way he was administering them. He was kind of dancing around and slapping them on the back with the whips and doing something with a violet wand that shocks people.

Meanwhile another woman comes up to chat and she is very friendly and sweet. I like her immediately but not in a sexual way. She’s in her early 50’s and is being flirty with the Professor. She asks what our screen name is on the swinger site, assuming we are a couple. The Professor quickly sets her straight with “oh, we aren’t actually a couple” and tells her his. I’m polite again and flirt with him and tease a bit about his screen name to the lady but inside I feel myself tense with embarrassment that he seems so quick to brush me off again and am starting to wish I’d never come there with him.

We make our way back across to the other side of the party, checking out the empty sex swing room and some mattresses that no one is playing on yet. He seems to be walking fast, not taking my arm and really being “with” me like he has in the past. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination but I start to wonder if there is someone there he has slept with before that he doesn’t want to think he likes me too much or what. His attitude the whole night seems more distant towards me and I’m starting to feel pretty bad.

He announces that he is going to run to the restroom and get another drink. He asks where I am going to be and I say I don’t know as he leaves me standing alone in the middle of the empty dance floor and rushes off. I feel abandoned. I don’t know any of these people and this particular party is known for being a bit cliquish. There are no single men, just couples and a few extra women but many of the people don’t leave their little “groups” most of the night. I make my way over to a table on the side of the room near the refreshments and no one says a word to me as I sit down. I wonder, given his behavior tonight so far, if he is just trying to ditch me so he can talk to someone.

I watch out of the corner of my eye as he comes out of the restroom, fills up his drink and then glances in my direction. Sure enough he doesn’t walk over to me but instead heads for the Sybian room. In a flash of anger I get up and start walking in that direction. I can see his silhouette through the curtain and he is talking with a woman, touching and flirting. I get closer and hear him laughing. This is a woman I had seen earlier, dressed in a tight lingerie body suit, her ass completely hanging out in the open air. I’m sure this is why he left me. I lift open the curtain and it’s just him, the guy running the Sybian and her, from what I can see. I pause. “Oh, I’m sorry for interrupting” then turn on my heel and walk out.

“LOVERGIRL” I hear him shout as he comes after me. Now he gets my name right. I ignore him and keep walking. I just want to get away from him, anywhere. I try to get into a restroom but it’s locked so I zip across the room to another locked bathroom on the other side. My heart is racing. Someone finally opens the door and I lock myself inside. I wonder if I can stay in here the whole night. It’s freezing outside and I’m wearing a sleeveless top. I feel like crying but I don’t want to ruin my makeup so I stare at myself in the mirror, trying not to blink, my hands gripping the edge of the sink. I can’t help but notice that I actually look pretty good tonight. Why doesn’t he want to be with me? I feel awful.

Finally I get myself together enough to leave the restroom. I walk quickly back across the room to get my coat and hear the Professor again call out my name. I bang my shin into a chair but keep walking. Throwing on my coat I walk past again and out the door, the Professor on my heels. He follows me out to the hotel across the other side of the parking lot. He’s not wearing a coat and stands there trying to talk to me. I ask for my phone, which he has in his pocket but he won’t give it to me. He swears up and down that he wasn’t flirting with that woman and tells me I can even go ask her husband, who was supposedly sitting in the corner, a hugely overweight man, that I somehow had managed to miss. I tell him I don’t care if he was flirting, that’s the point of being there but I don’t appreciate being ditched for someone. He keeps acting as though I’m upset about flirting and says how he flirts with everyone. No, the point is that you LEFT me to do it.

Everything comes out. Forgetting my name, embarrassing me in front of other women by laughing about “forgetting” it even though we’ve been seeing each other and sleeping together for 3 months, saying we are not a couple and worst of all ditching me in the middle of a place where I don’t know anyone so he could go talk to someone else. He swears up and down he didn’t mean anything by it and that the only reason he went in the Sybian room was to look for me. He claims he couldn’t find me among the crowd. I find that hard to believe. I’m not very hard to spot, sitting alone to the side of the room that was full of couples.

He gets upset “do you really think I would do something like that to you?? What kind of person do you think I am?” He’s shivering in the cold with no coat and he still won’t give me my phone. He apologizes for forgetting my name but says none of the other stuff was wrong and I shouldn’t be upset. I say I just want my phone. I don’t want to go back in there. He can have fun if he wants I don’t want to stay. He drove me there but I’m thinking of calling someone or a taxi or maybe just hanging out at the hotel until it’s over. I am on a downward spiral emotionally and it’s not going to get any better when I feel like this. I say maybe he can take me home and come back. He says he’s not going to do that.

He kisses me and takes my arm, pulling me close. “Come on”. I say I really don’t want to go back in there but reluctantly agree, asking for my phone. This time I put it in my coat pocket. He makes sure to stay by my side from that point on but I’m still in a bad mood that I can’t seem to lift myself out of.

We talk to some other near naked women. A young blonde girl, who is maybe in her very early 20’s, has obviously no kids and a near perfect figure, standing there in only a pair of panties, comes up and starts talking to the Professor and I. Well, mostly him. She’s asking about his work and coaching. Her blonde, somewhat attractive husband comes up to flirt with me. He can’t believe I’ve had children he says turning me around to look at my ass. I’m not really into it though. I’m still feeling off kilter and he finally backs down, saying I seem a bit uncomfortable. Meanwhile another female in her early 20’s is rubbing on this girl from the back. The blonde girl steps aside to talk to me and says she has never full couple swapped, only played with other women. She’s nice but I’m still not feeling very secure and we move on.

Someone is on the sex swing. It’s a man, and his wife is giving him a blow job. We watch for a minute then head over by an orgy that is happening on mattresses on the floor. The Professor knows these people, at least some of them. He says he’s been to house parties with them in the past. A guy who is fucking a woman on one side of the bed calls over to the Professor and asks him if he’d like to be next. “Yes, come on” invites the woman, motioning towards her pussy, then glances at me “will she mind?” The professor looks at me. “Do whatever you want” I say. He doesn’t believe me. He later said my body language belied me. True I was pulling away. I didn’t want to stand there and watch him fuck people while I looked like an idiot on the sidelines. No one was asking me to join but another woman soon was on top of her face. I also needed to use the restroom after drinking all that pop. I told him to go ahead if he wants to, I was going to use the restroom. After managing to get past the DJ, who was trying to flirt with me, I walked away.

On my way back out the Professor stopped me. I asked why he didn’t join in and he said “you really didn’t want me to”. I said you can do whatever you want to but he said he told them not this time. I asked if he would have done it if I weren’t there and he says maybe, but maybe not. He was tired and not especially attracted to the woman. He says he might have “taken one for the team” though. I said I don’t want to be his “ball and chain” and he told me to stop it.

He leaned against a table and pulled me up to kiss him. He asked if there was anyone there I wanted to play with tonight. Not really. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Then a woman that he knows walked by and he stopped her, making some sort of joke. Her husband came up soon after and started talking with us, as well as a man who I had sex with once before in an after party orgy. Once the professor got talking to the guy who had been in our previous orgy the woman looked over at me and said cattily “well, you are a lot prettier than he SAID you were”. My face fell and her husband was watching but the Professor didn’t hear. She flicked her hair and turned the other way, refusing to look at me while her husband attempted to make up for it by repeatedly telling me how beautiful I am and how they like to tease.

The Professor only saw the behavior of the husband, who turned to him and apologized, again saying I was really beautiful. I felt myself growing more and more upset. Would the Professor really say something like that about me or was she just being a bitch? I finally asked him, did you really say that? “Say what?” and I told him of her comment. He said “NO, of course not, I’ve never told them anything about how you look.” Later he told me he’d previously turned down that couple when he and I were together because he told them he was spending the evening with me instead. He says he hasn’t slept with her but they’d asked him a couple of times. I guess she was jealous but it was not a good end to my already sucky evening. I tend to be really sensitive about people not liking me for no reason.

Anyhow, I left and went home with the professor. We ended up having a long talk and finally seeming to make up. I spent the night with him and we had great sex, even though it was really late and he’d originally said we could just cuddle together and go to sleep since we were so emotionally tired. More good sex in the morning but I’m still a little leery of my ability to attend swinger parties with him in the future. Part of me wants to prove that it was just a one- time bout with insecurity but part of me wonders if I am cut out for this at all.

There were some factors that affected me, like the fact that I was a couple days before starting my period and I tend to hit rock bottom emotionally then. It seems to bring out the worst insecurities in me as well. He says he was extra tired from a long day of refereeing tournament games and that is why he may have seemed more distant in the beginning. He also claims that it is perfectly normal in “the Lifestyle” for people to invite one part of a couple to join into an orgy while the other person is left standing there all awkward. I don’t like that much at all. I also feel shy at these parties because he knows a lot of people and I don’t. I’m someone that in some situations can really live it up and be wild at a party but other times I can appear reserved. It really depends on my comfort level and the vibe of the party and those around me. This was not one of my good nights. I also was sober. Maybe I’m better off drunk, lol.

Some of the stuff I just need to deal with on my own, like flipping out over him going into that room with that woman. I don’t think he is someone who would actually abandon me at a party but I’ve had a guy do that to me in the past, actually LEFT me there while he took off with the other woman so my inner panic was due to things in the past that have happened to me. I wasn’t feeling “hot” that night either due to so many women being in lingerie and it didn’t help that the DJ said he didn’t recognize me right away since I was “wearing so many clothes” this time. In an honest assessment, I still probably looked better than 75% of the women there, who were older, unattractive, or obese, but my focus was on the young women with perfect bodies who never had kids and can run around near naked without feeling any fear.

My self- image isn’t at its best after years of being sexually rejected by my ex- husband. I can’t even wear a bikini at the lake without worrying about my body. One on one I know guys like me and I can drum up my confidence, but when it comes to comparing myself with other women I often feel I come up short. UGH. I so need to get over that!! Especially if I am ever going to go to a swinger party again!! I swear half the women looked like the lady in the picture above. Really. So honestly, if you saw me there you’d think I was being ridiculous.

Well, there you have it! My insecurities laid bare. I suck. I’m so mad at myself for acting that way. The downside of the swing hit me hard. I hope I can make it back up to the top and actually have FUN next time, if there is one.