Lately I’ve been pondering some things about dominance and submission. Now, before you get too excited, realize I’ve never considered myself as a part of the BDSM community. I really don’t know a whole lot about it, just read little bits here and there.
I find it somewhat fascinating but at the same time scary sounding. I’m not fond of being in pain or hurting anyone so that part doesn’t sound appealing to me. I see things like floggers, electric shockers, and nipple clamps and I’m thinking OMG, no, not for me!
I had a chance to talk with a male friend once who had gone to his very first BDSM convention. He talked about some of the workshops and about people who wore latex masks over their heads and all kinds of things I had never heard of (at the time) that were happening. It was very interesting, but for me pretty much stopped there.
That’s not to say I’m not curious. I’m curious about things like what it would be like to be tied up or blindfolded. I wonder just how much spanking I could handle (I do like that!). All in all, my thoughts about it are pretty tame, compared to what I know is out there, and I’ve probably only scratched the surface as far as reading and learning about BDSM.
I find the idea of power play a little more intriguing than the pain aspect. I’ve experienced some of that with my lovers and it has turned me on. Some things that come more naturally, and don’t require props or safewords, have been part of my sex life on many of occasions.
I’ve always been really turned on by men that are very dominant in bed. Not mean though, it doesn’t excite me when someone calls me names or gets overly rough. No, I like them passionate in an almost romantic way in the bedroom. Passionate and in control, but still very affectionate and focusing on getting ME off, rather than their own selfish desires, that will get satisfied in the end anyhow.
I guess that’s a pretty tall order. Maybe I am spoiled because I have found men who have been able to give me that very thing. As few and far between as they may be, I’m becoming more adroit at identifying those that can satisfy the cravings of my mind and body.
Recently, when I was having dinner with a man I have met at some swinger parties and a couple he was here visiting; the topic of choking came up. None of them found it to be a sexual turn on. I said that I had thought I never would either, but when it actually happened during sex, it turned me on much more than expected. They looked at me like I’d grown another head! LOL
Yet, it’s true. I had always thought I would hate being choked during sex. I was terrified of the idea. Yet the first time a man did it to me in the bedroom, I came. It was actually right before I met the married man who made me cum so many times in a row and it was mild in comparison, but it happened. It was with my FWB who does have a tendency to like a little roughness between the sheets. When I told Mr. Firm of our dinner conversation he laughed and said a lot of women say one thing but in bed like another. He was like “I could tell you liked that”.
It calls to mind memories of the guy who was my very favorite sex partner as a teenager. We hated each other’s guts! Pretty much anyway, lol. Yet, the sex was addicting. We’d come back to fucking again and again, despite the way we treated one another outside the bedroom.
I’ve mentioned him a few times on my blog. The first time we had sex it was actually forced and as part of a bunch of guys pulling a train on me, one that I didn’t want to participate in. I had willingly slept with the first guy but HE was the 2nd, the one who got on top of me and wouldn’t get off or allow me to get dressed. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and slowly inched his way in, despite my protests, all while confusing me even more with the things he was whispering in my ear.
Despite the fact that I was adamant about not wanting to have sex with him, he was deliberately turning me on. He knew what he was doing and I can guarantee that wasn’t the only time he’s done it. It happened again, a second time, where they pulled a train on me and he was again the person that pushed it. The first time we were in a park and the police showed up before the guys scattered and the second we were in a house and I was alone in a room on the couch with the other guy before he came in.
Those were actually fairly traumatic experiences for me emotionally but like I have said before I continued to have sex with him. Outwardly, I couldn’t stand this guy. I couldn’t stand his asshole attitude (I even call him The Asshole in one of my blog posts, My Deep, Dark Past). He was a real jerk and we would be at each other’s THROATS in arguments.
I can remember one time, being at a party in this guy’s backyard and we got into it. We were yelling and cussing at one another over something and he suddenly picked me up off the ground and started walking. I was actually a little scared of what he was about to do. He picked me up and carried me down those basement steps, stopping to pretend he was going drop me every once in a while, causing me to scream and hang onto his neck.
When we got to the bed, he threw me on it and started pulling off my clothes. I didn’t say no that time but he took exactly what he wanted and it got a little rough. He was shoving my face down on the pillow and at some point a couple guys came down and were watching. It was hot!! 😉 LOL
There was another time we had been dropped off at this Mexican drug dealer’s house and were stuck there all night. All the bedrooms were occupied and he and I were in the living room, fighting like cats and dogs. One of the Mexican guys finally came out of his room and threw a pair of boxing gloves at us, telling us to shut up already and just duke it out. Haha.
Later, some really creepy, crackhead looking motherfuckers with missing teeth came to the house and we were stuck with them too, in the living room. They were adults and we were still really kids and these guys were leering and hitting on me. I was scared, but The Asshole actually stood up for me, backed me up against the wall behind him and was cussing them out and threatening them.
We ended up having sex after that, on the floor in another room and all the tension was relieved. He let me sleep up next to him, with his arm out across me to ward off the bad guys, lol. 😉 He’s really not all that bad, though he did spend some years in prison after being tried as an adult for holding up someplace with a gun, soon after.
The day before that happened was the last time I ever touched him. He came up behind me, while I was standing in a front yard at this guy’s house and put me in a choke hold with a loaded gun up against my head. He said “don’t move or I’ll shoot”. I said “you wouldn’t shoot me”. He cocked the gun and pulled his arm tighter around my throat “say I won’t!!” I said “you’d miss me too much” and he was like “say I won’t do it” and looked me in the eye. I said “do it then” and turned my cheek toward him. He stood there. “Come on then, do it! I dared him. He kind of smirked and put down the gun. I could tell by the look in his eyes he could never go through with that ;).
He’s on my Facebook now and he’s married and life has changed, but I told that story to illustrate how early on in life I was already getting off a little bit on a power exchange dynamic. It was hot!! He was great in bed for how young we were and despite being rather forceful would turn into an almost totally different person with the passion and affection and things he would say to me (he loved to talk during sex).
Nowadays I have come to realize just how much I ENJOY a man taking control in the bedroom and that feeling of helplessness. All of my favorite men have at some point called me “really submissive”. I hope, and think, that means they like it! LOL My ex- husband sure didn’t, because he was the same way.
I’ve struggled a bit, with the whole being submissive thing, because I know I am and that naturally that is just me. However, so many people seem to equate it with weakness. If I’m honest I would say that actually in a way I do too. My ex husband’s submissiveness was a total turn off to me. I didn’t want a man to act weak in the bedroom.
So I wonder, if men really even like that? I sometimes feel like I am not DOING anything and wonder why men still say I am good in bed. Do some people actually enjoy and LIKE it when someone is letting them call all the shots? I know there are guys that do, it’s just so hard for me to picture being on the other end of that.
Mr. Firm always says I fuck him just the way he “needs”. I love that he tells me that but am a little puzzled by what he actually means. I find HIM very fulfilling because he is that perfect combination of dominant and sweet and he can make me cum again and again. I’m quite happy to be on the receiving end of all that, lol. 😉
He said recently that I am so submissive he can’t picture me being dominant, even with another woman. I had to think about that for a minute because I am pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be, but at the same time the idea of submitting to another female kind of gives me a pause. I don’t think I would want to! Not really. I have an inkling that if a woman started trying to tell me what to do in bed it would piss me off! I’m happier and more comfortable with something equal.
I think the reason it is different with men has something to do with just loving to see all that masculine POWER. I don’t desire that from a woman. I love when a guy can just take me and do whatever he wants, but where I trust him enough to know he also wouldn’t really hurt me.
From me, I guess I’d also say submission to someone is a gift. I don’t act like that with just anyone. I mean, I don’t boss any guy around in the bedroom, but for me to actively and willingly “submit” there has to be trust involved. Still, that is where I am at my happiest. If I can’t get to that point with a man then the sex doesn’t become truly spectacular.
I’m curious to hear from men or women who LOVE being dominant in bed. What is it that turns you on about a person submitting to you? When I try to dig up info from that side of the spectrum, there is very little, even on the world wide web! Lots of people can describe what they love about someone dominating them but what about in reverse? Why do you like it? Is there anything a “submissive” person can do to make you like it even more?