Tag Archive | stereotypes

Men and Madonna/Whore

halfangel
In preparation for my big move, I decided to switch the zip code and city name on each of my online profiles.  This has already resulted in quite a few new men writing me emails.  It was exciting for a minute, but what with trying to pack and the ten million things I need to get done, it’s getting to be a little much.  Perhaps I should have waited.

Anyhoo, I can hardly keep up, but there have already been a couple of interesting prospects.  One of the men called me on the phone today.  I’m so glad he did, because it helped me to realize I will NEVER be interested in this guy, despite a decent profile and good looks. 

He’s some kind of bodybuilder, or so he felt the need to tell me at least 3 or 4 times, and the pics would seem to back that up.  He also claimed to be an architect and a personal trainer, that makes upwards of 80,000 per year.  Whatever.  I’m pretty sure he’s full of shit, lol..

Throughout the course of the conversation, he told me that:

A. He wants to get me pregnant (WTF, why do I keep coming across this with men??) He said not to worry, he had every plan of taking care of “his child”.  (::: blink, blink :::::)

B. That he lives with a “much older” woman because she and her husband split up and she needed someone to “protect” her from him, but that they have a huge house, and both do their “own thing”.  (Yeah, nice way to try and cover up that she is your sugar Mommy, lmao).  Seriously though, there is nothing attractive about a 40 something man that needs to be taken care of like a child.

C.  Tried to tell me he was 21, then switched it to “between 40 and 45”.  Dude, I don’t want a 21 year old guy.  How is this even supposed to make him more attractive??  I’m 37.  I like men that are a little more mature.

D.  Told me he is a “sex addict”, then proceeded to tell me a story about some woman he went on a date with, but wouldn’t have sex with her, because she seemed to be giving it away “too easily”.  (:::: GAG ::::) 

E.  Asked me if I had stretch marks and said that he hoped my stomach wasn’t “all torn up” from having kids.  Nice.  Yeah, now I absolutely NEVER want to get naked in front of this guy.  I mean, that is the part of my body I am probably the most insecure about.  Why the hell would you say something like that to a mom, before you have even met? SMFH

F. Told me that normally women are the ones who hit HIM up on OKCupid (where we met) but that he saw something, he couldn’t figure out what it was, that was attractive about me.  EYEROLL.  I know damn well women aren’t hitting him up left and right on the dating sites (I did just experiment with this after all, haha).  Plus, this stuff about not knowing what he found attractive about me was almost offensive.

G.  Claimed he was a personal trainer at a particular gym.  My former brother in law is also a personal trainer, I think at that same gym, so I commented on that and he quickly switched it to a gym with the same name in a different (suburb) city.  Then he said that actually, he doesn’t work for the gym itself, but brings in people he trains and just does it there, and that he is helping the gym indirectly that way.  Mmmkay…

H.  Went on about how he needed a woman to be faithful to him, right after telling me that his ex used to want him to have threesomes with her and her girlfriends all the time.  UGH…

Do I need to go through the entire alphabet here?  Haha….I feel like I could, but in any case, no way Jose, am I messing with this guy.

I’ve come across some other interesting (and more promising) men on there, but I want to use this,  to make a point about men and their Madonna/Whore complexes.  It’s one of those things that just perplexes and drives me absolutely crazy with annoyance at the male species.  I DETEST the whole Madonna/whore dichotomy, as I wrote about in On Being a Slut. Kdaddy also recently wrote a blog on the topic, that got me thinking, and wanting to contribute my two cents.

Then I got another email on OKCupid, and it isn’t the only or first guy who has asked me this:  “Do you REALLY want casual sex?”  Apparently, when I first signed up for the site, ONE of the boxes I checked was for “casual sex”.  I think I clicked on that as WELL as, long or short term relationships, dating, and a handful of choices that were available as for what I was looking for at the time. 

The “casual sex” thing though, it gets guys every time.  I don’t mean “gets” them in the sense that they want to fuck, though that is often the case, but gets them all freaked out!!  Apparently, for many men, it is just UNTHINKABLE, that a girl like me, might have deliberately checked the CASUAL SEX button.  OMG!

This guy was unique because he actually bothered to follow it up with another email, when I ignored him. That let me know I was indeed correct, in assuming that he meant it as a negative judgement, rather than his wanting sex with me. 

Here is his second email:  “Actually after reading your answers to the questions on here, I guess maybe you are looking for that. I was trying to be helpful because it automatically marks all the options when you first sign up.”  Gee, thanks for the “help”. 

Shame, shame on me for wanting casual sex.  Once a guy wrote me a big long letter explaining why it wasn’t okay for women to seek out casual sex and that no man would want me if I gave it away so easily.  Thanks.  I so needed a lecture from a random guy on a dating site about how I should conduct my sex life. One thing is for sure, that attitude is not helping the guy get a date, at least from me!!

I’ve always been honestly puzzled and disturbed that so many men split women into the two categories of Madonna/Whore.  I find it very difficult to understand why a woman’s past sexual experiences would be such a bad thing.  If anything, experience helps a woman to learn what she likes in bed and better communicate it to you.

I’ve never been able to quite comprehend how men can have sex with women they consider “whores,” then disrespect them for doing so.  Yet, its common.  Extremely, extremely common for men to sleep around all they want and only settle down with someone who is sexually inexperienced, that they see as more worthy of love.

On some level, I know this is because men see sexual promiscuity as a threat.  If they dare to let down their guard and love a woman who sleeps around, then she might leave them for another guy.  I do understand this, to an extent, it’s just like, come on guys, don’t you have any more confidence than that? 

They trust themselves, to sleep around with many women, but always come back to the woman they fell in love with, or married.  At least many do, yet they can’t trust women to do the same.  I wonder why? 

What bugs me the most is that men do this splitting thing where they won’t be affectionate with a woman they consider a slut.  They treat her as though she is less deserving of sweetness and romance.  Is this some kind of repressed anger? 

Sometimes it goes so far as the guy shaming a woman he DOES have feelings for because of her sexual desires WITH HIM.  I’ve been on the receiving end of this plenty of times and it just leaves me sort of speechless.  You don’t want me to be too sexual WITH YOU?  WTF? 

They won’t usually ADMIT this but it happens a lot.  Quite often the same guy claims to want a “lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets”.  Yet when the rubber meets the road, this is a threat to him and he doesn’t really want that.  She has to fit one or the other mold in his head.

The whole thing bothers me so much because I LOVE being able to give and receive love and affection with a man.  I also LOVE sex.  Finding someone who is cool enough to allow me to do BOTH of those things is like looking for a needle in a haystack. 

It’s like every guy I meet wants me either to be his girlfriend and lack sexual desire, (unless of course its for other women, to bring back to him) or he finds out I want to have lots of sex and doesn’t want to talk or have an emotional connection with me.  I don’t like being pigeonholed into either of those boxes. 

This makes it very hard for me on dating sites.  If I meet guys on a “vanilla” site, there never seems to be an appropriate time to admit I like sex and going to swinger parties.  Many times they just “assume” I want monogamy and that can be frustrating.  When I try to hint at more, then they are like oh, she just wants a fuck buddy, and out goes the possibility of anything special.

Yet, meeting men on a swinger site, they just assume you are all out for the sex and act like its crazy for anyone on there to seek out a relationship.  Well, not totally, because as you have seen if you read my blog regularly, they often want ME to stop sleeping around and just help them get some. :p  They want a one-sided relationship, where you are committed to them, but not vice- versa, like every other guy out there, lol.

What I really want, is a man who can handle me, as is, that I don’t have to pretend with.  Or…several of them.  (Ha) Okay, not really, because when I fall for someone I do tend to have a one track mind.  Not necessarily sexually, but emotionally.  Sometimes it’s sexually too, but eventually my curiosity gets the best of me.  I still think it would be fun to play together, and probably separately as well.

I think something like what Mr. Firm has, sounds ideal.  His girlfriend has it made!  He’s one of the few men I’ve met who seems to be lacking Madonna/whore issues.  I’m still marveling that he hasn’t seemed to change his attitude or level of affection for me after reading my blog.  I’m pretty impressed! 

So I know, if he is like that, there have to be other men out there the same way.  Just not enough of them, lol.  Or, more likely, they just aren’t single!  :p 

Maybe, I’m guilty of wanting to have my cake and eat it too.  But what is the point of having a cake if you aren’t going to eat it?  I’ve never understood that either….;)

A card for Mommy Dearest

notmother's day

I hate Mother’s Day.  Maybe this seems strange coming from someone who is a mother, who very much loves my children.  My hatred of this holiday isn’t about ME and it isn’t about my kids, though I admit to stressing, in the past, due to their lack of effort to honor me for all I’ve done. 

My children’s failure to be appreciative didn’t stem from any fault of their own.  For that we can thank my unloving ex- husband.  He refused to set any kind of example for them in this regard, despite all that I had them do for HIM for Father’s day.  The children are not to blame and I was reluctant to try and drum anything out of them for fear of being selfish.

 So most Mother’s days preceding my divorce, I received nothing, not even a handmade card, from my children.  I would always ASK for help in cleaning the house, for one day, because this is all I truly wanted, a shining clean home for the day that I had nothing to do with.   The kids would try somewhat, but due to the passive-aggressive undermining of their father, it was never done the way he knew I wanted it to be.  Like, I’d ask for them to clean the floors and bathroom and kitchen and he would insist that it was really the ceiling fans other nonsense that needed a touch up.  So, I’d still be left with the very chores I was stuck with the rest of the year.

Anyhow, since becoming a single mom I have had the opportunity to take stuff like this into my own hands.  My children, in the past couple of years, seem to have become MORE appreciative of me and are happier to pitch in.  Maybe it’s growing older but I also think they see for sure that I’m the one doing all the work, when before it was more dubious and we had their dad going out of his way to put me down and acting as though I never did “enough”. 

God, I am SO GLAD to be out of that situation.  Last year I had to buy a tray and set out the stuff in advance myself but they actually managed to make me breakfast in bed and it was something they enjoyed doing.  It may seem self- serving to do stuff like this but I believe it’s important for them to show some respect, even if it has to be forced.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, what is my REAL reason for dreading this day?  How can anyone purport to “hate” a day celebrating the women who gave us birth and all that they have done in our lives?  Perhaps you’d understand if you had a mother like mine.

All these glowing statements and quotes about the wonderfulness of mothers, how they are always “there” for us, all that they do, none of these pertain to her in the least.  It’s a very painful reminder of the very things I never had as a child, or even now as an adult, as far as a relationship or bonding with my mother.

When I describe my mother to people I usually try to put things in terms that they can understand.  I mention facts like that she is a drug addict who tried to kill herself twice and nearly died, that she lost 6 nursing jobs stealing meds from her elderly patients. I state that she’s been in jail for stealing.  None of that even begins to scratch the surface of what it’s been like in my life having this “non-mother”. 

I don’t usually mention the fact that she picked me up and threw me across a room as a baby for daring to wake her up wanting something.  I was 18 months old and this was witnessed by family members.  I don’t talk about how she used to leave me waiting for HOURS places (like cheerleading practice in junior high) because she “forgot” to pick me up.  I don’t tell people what it felt like to try and try to call my mother on pay phones and not get an answer or have any idea where she was. 

I might mention the fact that I was physically and mentally abused by several stepfathers but I don’t talk about how she tacitly turned her head the other direction and did nothing to protect me or my siblings. I don’t talk about the verbal abuse, the horribly cruel things my mother would say, the way she referred to me at times, the sudden rages she would have.  Once in a while I might bring up the time she told me, when I was about 13, that she wished I’d never been born, that I had singlehandedly ruined all of her marriages.

I might talk about how I rarely saw her for long stretches of time as a child and was left mostly in the care of abusive stepfathers or on my own but I don’t usually tell people how they would lock me out of the house as early as age 7 on her days off from work and tell me not to come back until dark.  Sometimes I’d have one or more siblings to watch over as well and I would get in trouble if we came home.

Nevertheless, I am a human being and rather than hate my mother for the things she did I still desired her love and affection.  I can remember saving every penny I had one Mother’s day, when I was 8 or 9, and buying her a little jewelry box at a corner store.  She took one look at it and was like “I don’t need that!  Why would you waste your money?  I can’t use anything like that!” rejecting it (and me) out of hand. 

In college one time, my mother told me she wanted to spend some time with me, to go shopping together.  I was actually really excited and went to meet her at the mall, only to be left waiting for hours and she never showed up.  I later discovered she’d gone to jail and was in the custody of the police for stealing merchandise from a department store.

Perhaps too many times, both as a child and an adult, I have come to her aid, comforting her when she was crying and upset, trying to help her with her myriad of problems and issues.  I took on the parent position in her place, trying to take care not only of her but of my siblings from a very young age.  I tried to help her get out of an abusive relationship, taking great risks for my own life and safety. 

When she tried to kill herself I was there, though I also turned her in to the FBI and the people she was getting the pills from.  I searched her house, finding piles and piles of stolen items and bottles of hidden drugs (only turning in the drugs).  I tried to talk to the doctors, about the possibilities of things like liver transplants (due to drug addiction she didn’t qualify) and encouraged her even after they said she was going to die (she didn’t, either time).  I stayed by her side and made sure she wasn’t mistreated and got into a rehabilitation program (three times now I’ve helped her into inpatient rehab).

The thanks I get?  Well, really not any.  She still spent her time trying to manipulate me into getting her more morphine and acts angrily towards me, as though I am the parent and she’s a resentful, rebellious teenager.  She still asks me for money, even though I probably have less than her, and if given turns around and uses it for things like buying cigars to fill with weed, when she told me she needed gas for her car.

I don’t know that I’ve ever met anyone as selfishly narcissistic as my mother so it’s frustrating to see all these memes talking about how sacrificing  all “mothers” are by nature.  I think about the time she lied and said my brother was threatening and “scaring” her so that she could get him out of the house at 19, taking him to court for a restraining order.  I mean, there are nicer ways to get a kid out of the house and just watching the bullshit that came out of her mouth when we were in court had my blood boiling.  She comes across as such a “victim”.

Yes, my mother has been abused by one of my former stepfathers (who was undeniably cruel), she had a rough life and started using drugs when she was very young.  She probably suffers from Borderline or Bipolar disorder and has been diagnosed with both at various times, as well as generalized depression.  In addition to that there is something just “wrong” with her that is hard to describe. 

She’s intelligent and managed to go back and get a nursing degree despite having dropped out of high school but there is something wrong, something lacking in her basic social interactions with people.  I’m not really sure what it is but one might suspect some sort of autism or mental disorder that prevents her from relating normally or bonding to her kids the way most people do.

I wonder sometimes if she just damaged her brain due to all the drugs but she is kind of an embarrassment to be around in public.  People notice there is something “off” and I pray to God it’s nothing genetic.  When I was a kid people used to call the house and be like “what is wrong with your mom??” and laugh at the way she sounded when she answered the phone.

 I always thought it was just due to her working late and so many hours and often being asleep but probably she was doing more drugs than I realized.  She’s admitted in recent years that my stepfather smoked crack and I know she’s done it before, though maybe or maybe not back then.  She once even slept with a neighbor to obtain crack. I was in college then but yeah, talk about embarrassing.

My mother has a habit of saying things that are very blunt and very uncouth.  You just want to cover your ears, like, I can’t believe she just said that out loud, and it’s a wonder I managed to grow up with any degree of social skills.  Now that she’s getting older she seems to really be going off the deep end.  She will corner you and start talking about off the wall things like how she believes aliens are going to take over the planet.  You want to laugh but sometimes it also makes me want to cry.

As awful as she sounds, well, she’s still my mother and it still hurts to hear OTHERS insult or talk bad about her.  I still call her every Mother’s Day, even though she acts somewhat annoyed and like she wants to get off the phone quickly.  I don’t talk to her much though the rest of the year and she never calls unless she wants something.  Did I mention there are years she’s even forgotten my birthday?  Or she will call and mostly complain about how old I am making her feel, not really caring about ME.

My kids barely know who she is.  They will ask me questions like “who is YOUR mom?”, forgetting they have met before.  For the most part that’s probably a good thing.  Every so often she will try and play grandmother, showing up with piles of stolen toys and books.  It’s pretty bad when I’m even worried my own mother might steal things from ME. 

Anyway, I guess I’m lucky I had a grandmother who at least stepped in and tried to do some of the things my mom never did. Even when she was living a few hours away she came to some of my plays and choir concerts, the games I cheered at, the things my mother never bothered to show up for.  She sometimes paid for me to take classes or for other enriching activities and at various times even lived with us, eventually taking me in high school after I had run away and been sent to my dad’s for a year.  Even now she has much more of a role in mine and my children’s lives than my mother ever did and it’s HER daughter.  So she always gets Mother’s Day wishes too.

In any case, I am once again dreading The Call, the one I know I will go ahead and make.  I’ll call her and she’ll be kind of fake and talk about herself for a bit without letting me get a word in edgewise, then be like “okay thanks for calling” and hang up.  Well, maybe she will throw in a comment or two that will make me feel like she’s making judgments on things she knows nothing about. 

So  why do I do it?  Even despite the seeming underlying hatred my mother has for me I somehow feel obligated.  It’s like I just don’t think it’s worth rocking the boat.  One of my brothers hasn’t talked to her for years and openly rejects her which is really hard to see.  Another of my sisters spent years angry with her as well and she will say she “misses” them but never seems to give a fuck about the daughter that’s always been there doing everything to try and help.  Go figure. 

Some of my siblings call her by her first name yet I still call her “Mom”, a title she really doesn’t deserve. At times we’ve joked about how we are lucky she never took us all and drowned us in a pond somewhere, but behind the laughter is the very possibility that if a man had asked her to, well, who knows? She didn’t have much of a mind of her own.

Freud would have a heyday with me huh?  He’d probably say I hate my mother, lol, and I don’t know that I really do but I have a lot of resentment.  At the same time I feel sorry for her.  I pity her and her life and the fact that she just can’t seem to get it together.  I cringe each time she gets involved with a new man because it’s always the same old story.  He always ends up being abusive in some way or another and part of me feels awful for her while the other just wants to scream, quit doing this to yourself!  It’s your own damn fault!!

I guess the big thing is that I have to be ever vigilant not to follow in her footsteps.  That’s one of my biggest goals in life.  Fortunately I seem to be blessed with a mothering instinct that my own “mom” was severely lacking.  Still I am missing that role model and it’s forever a challenge to figure things out on my own.  Again, I am thankful for my grandmother in that regard and books and the internet and the ability to watch other people and learn.

I have a terrible example before me as far as men though and sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to figure it out.  I feel like I really am starting to care about someone, like the Professor, and then lack the ability to know how to make it work, despite my efforts.

 My marriage, that I thought was going to be SO DIFFERENT from my own childhood, turned up a man who eventually showed true colors of being a lot like my mom.  He’s distant from the kids and unloving.  It kills me to watch.  Somehow I’ve got to figure out how to end the vicious cycle, so that my own children have better luck with relationships but I don’t even really know where to start when it comes to that.  The difference, at least, is that my kids know I love them.  Even my oldest, who has had some behavioral issues since the divorce, has admitted time and time again to various counselors, teachers, the police, etc. that he knows I care and believes I am a “good mom”. 

Still Mother’s Day comes around and I question every decision, everything I’ve said and done and wonder if I am “good enough” to deserve the accolades.  I’m nowhere near as awful as my own mother was but I’m definitely not perfect either.  All my years of being “Suzy Homemaker” seem like a failure because of the divorce and realizations about my ex.  I guess all I can do from here is my best and keep on keeping on. 

In the end none of us are perfect, though many appear from the outside to be so and we can only work with what we’ve been given to the best of our ability. Living up to what is expected of the “ideal mother” image isn’t easy and I sure as hell ain’t the Virgin Mary, lol.

Big black men… is it true?

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First of all, beware that this is a racially charged topic. I think it’s important to realize that ALL people, whether we are black, white, or whatever hold some stereotypes in our minds and sometimes there is a grain of truth behind them but that DOESN’T mean we can make blanket assumptions about EVERY person that belongs to that group. You just can’t, because even if a stereotype holds somewhat true there are always exceptions to the rule. I also hope we can discuss this like mature adults without insults towards any group of people. With that said, come on, let’s drop the worries about being politically correct too. If we can’t be open and discuss varying experiences then it actually BREEDS racism because being afraid to TALK about things from different viewpoints is what keeps folks in the dark and leaves them to their wild imaginations, reinforcing negative ideas, fear, and hatred of others.

Also, realize that although I am white myself I grew up in a home where I was the only all white kid and I am used to what might sometimes seem like wildly inappropriate jokes about “white people” and “black people”, lol. So forgive me if sometimes I seem like I’m doing the very thing I am preaching against! Haha… I’m not really a racist at all and in fact it is one of my pet peeves although some of the stuff I say in this blog might come across as otherwise to people who don’t understand where I am coming from.

Okay, done with the lecture, let’s get to the real topic at hand and the question everyone everywhere has been dying to know and hear about from a female who has had the opportunity to make some assessments, lol. 😉

DO BLACK MEN REALLY HAVE BIGGER DICKS???

The other day, at the last swinger party I attended with the Professor, we were standing in a room watching some people have sex when a typical country- boy white guy walked into the room and made a typically clueless statement and assumption about the Professor and the only other black man there. He was like “you guys are lucky because you have the big dicks” and started going on about how unfair it was that black men always have huge cocks. Of course this was said without having ever SEEN either of these men naked. How would he know that either one of them was sporting a huge package? He didn’t! But he thought he did because of all the “rumors” that this is true and due to who knows how much porn he has seen where black men with large penises are fetishized.

Now besides porn, there is the added practice in the swinger community of bringing black men in to have sex with white couples in a fantasy/fetish way that honestly creeps me the fuck out because it comes across as flat out racist. They call the guys “bulls” and “studs” and even have these parties that I have heard referred to as “mandingo” parties where they bring in black men to have sex with guys wives in order to feed into cuckhold fantasies and fetishes. Now, I’m not one to judge people for their fantasies, I just find it disturbing because the focus seems to be on the skin color of the participants and because of the attitudes of some of these white couples that any random black guy with a big cock will do.

It bothers me very much when I think of these men being objectified like that. However, they obviously don’t mind or they wouldn’t be doing it! And of course they get lots of sex out of the deal and what man doesn’t like that? So it is easy to see why the practice continues and not too many people are complaining. I mean, this is an activity where consenting adults are agreeing to do something so that is really their business. I once recently even saw a swinger party advertised as a “BBC Party” in a nearby city, and it was taking place in a predominately black area. Having a big, black, cock is definitely sort of a “novelty” thing for some.

I have had the opportunity to talk to a few guys who have been involved in this sort of exchange and it is interesting to say the least. Sometimes they seem to get off on the idea too, of course, though some guys, like the Professor, seem to find it odd as well and feel a little uncomfortable with it but go right ahead and fuck the women anyway. He has said he’s not really into the gangbang thing however.

I’ve known a few different black men that have told me white couples have actually PAID them to fuck the wife. One guy told me a man paid him to have sex with his fiancé while he watched and another guy mentioned having sex with a woman that he wasn’t very attracted to simply because her husband gave him $500 dollars. He said it wasn’t that bad and she wasn’t bad in bed even though she was kinda fat and ugly. Nice. I can see how this would be appealing to a lot of black men, especially those who aren’t doing well financially. I guess it’s sort of like women who have a sugar daddy, sometimes. These couples are taking them out on their boats and on vacations and giving them all kinds of privileges just to have sex with the wife. Again, they are doing this of their own choosing but it still seems exploitative.

So anyway, back to the question at hand. Do black guys REALLY have bigger cocks to begin with?? Or is this a myth? The Professor asked my opinion, kind of indirectly, after the conversation the other day at the swinger party. He was like “you’ve seen a lot”, which is true, though he doesn’t know my actual numbers. I gave him kind of a pat answer about it “not necessarily” being the case, though maybe on average they are a little bigger, which is true, but I didn’t want to delve into too much detail because I’m pretty sure he didn’t want to hear about other guys dicks that I have had sex with. I also thought it a conversation better not gone into over text because things can be misunderstood and misconstrued and he has shown some uneasiness at my past exploits before. SO, I focused more on being appreciative of his (rather well) endowment and you guys get to hear my thoughts on the matter instead! For now, lol, lucky you!! Maybe I will tell him more later if we are still talking.

I have personally slept with a lot more black men than white, so it’s not really a fair sample but I’ve done both. I’ve also ONCE had sex with an Asian guy, who was averagely endowed, maybe 6 inches, and a couple of Hispanic dudes who were both punching in at around 6.5-7. That’s all I’m gonna say about that because that’s really all I’ve seen, lol. I have also seen quite a few black and white penises that I haven’t ACTUALLY slept with, like guys I have given blow jobs to or a hand job at some point. Oh, and there was a guy that was a mix of Jamaican, Hawaiian, Japanese and white that I have messed with but we never had actual sex. Lucky him, he had it from all sides, lol, and I’d estimate him to be about 7.

Keep in mind though that I kind of suck at estimating things!! I may be hugely over or under estimating EVERYONE, who knows?? Once a girl and I who had slept with several of the SAME GUYS got into a discussion about dick size and one guy I thought was HUGE she thought was small. WTF? I was thinking he had like a 9 inch cock and she was like “are you kidding me?” I also thought he was GREAT in bed and he was my absolute favorite at the time, but she thought he sucked. Just goes to show how much sexual chemistry between two people matters and makes all the difference. If a woman thinks you are great in bed she probably also thinks you have THE BEST COCK EVER at the time! I know that is how I am anyway. Sometimes we even overestimate how big you are, like when we like you our emotions so color our view that it makes your cock grow in our head, lol. I also don’t consider myself a “size queen” because I am more interested in how he uses it than what he is sporting. It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean and all that. Still, my two current favorites in the sack both claim to be about 8 inches, and the Professor has commented that I “really like it deep”, so maybe I do like them kind of big. Hmmmm….

On that note, I will mention that I personally think there is such a thing as TOO BIG. The biggest guy I ever had sex with was 11 ¼ inches. HUGE, and I know his exact size only because OTHER guys were telling me that. They were all so jealous but they really needn’t be. He couldn’t even get it in all the way and it was awkward for him to maneuver and hurting me and the sex wasn’t all that good at all. I’d consider a cock that big something of a handicap, to be honest. He was biracial by the way, so no telling if he got that giant dick from the white side or the black, though I’m sure most in our society would assume the latter. I also slept with a guy once that had probably the shortest cock I have ever seen, maybe 4 inches, but it was so freaking wide I could barely get on it. It was like the width of a coke can, for real, and it made me tear and bleed and was so unpleasant that I never slept with him again. He was black.

Personal experience though, from a woman who has had sex with over 40 black men and at least 10 white guys and seen quite a few more, would say that on average the white guys ranged from maybe 5.5-8 inches and the black men were more like 6.5-9. So yes, slightly bigger. Still not a HUGE difference and really it correlates with the studies you will see on the subject.

When I was younger I had only heard the black men are bigger theory from black guys and I thought they were full of shit and just basically tooting their own horns. I didn’t believe there was any actual basis in fact. Even now, I have seen a couple of pretty big white guys so it does happen. I have also seen plenty of black guys that were in the 6-7 range and I’d even go so far as to say that is “most”. What kills me is that often black men who are a very nice sized will sometimes say they are “average” because there is this expectation that they are supposed to be HUGE. I also once had an encounter with a black guy that I couldn’t tell you whether or not was actual sex. It was dark and I was drunk and he put what felt like a finger inside of me and later claimed we had had sex to others. If we did then he had the smallest dick I’ve ever experienced and if that is the case I can only imagine how that might make him feel with all these high expectations.

Nowadays I hear a lot of white guys making the claim that “all black guys are huge”. I guess this is said out of jealousy to some extent but it’s also an unfair assumption to make. A lot of black men are just “normal” or maybe slightly bigger than average and there are even some out there that are on the small side. Not all white guys are average sized either, there are a few that are pretty darn big! That said I have been with a fair amount of black men that are in the 8-9 inch range. Maybe 15? I seem to be coming across it more lately and that probably has some to do with the fact that I have met guys off the swinger site (which attracts bigger black guys) and places like Craigslist where they are advertising that fact (like the married man I sleep with). Still my current fwb is pretty darn big too and I met him on OKCupid. It might appear that I am choosing guys based on their dick size, lol, or even on their skin color, but that’s honestly not it. I am attracted to certain traits like confidence and dominance and I think men with larger sized cocks seem to come by those more easily sometimes. It’s probably due to their self –perception, because men tie up their own worth into their cocks more so than I think women do. Also, my penchant for black men is really probably more a product of having grown up around more people of color than white folks and just feeling safer and more comfortable talking to them. It’s not a “fetish”.

Anyway, in conclusion, you can’t judge a cock by it’s cover. Don’t assume until you’ve seen him take off those pants that you know what he’s packing. I’ve also heard the myth that short guys have shorter dicks and that I can assure you is NOT the case. Most of the guys I have been with recently that are sporting 8-9 inches below the belt aren’t much taller than me (5’6”). There are all kinds of body shapes and cock sizes and I rarely meet a cock I don’t like ;). If I like the GUY I’m probably gonna fall in love with his cock too.

So don’t be so quick to stereotype. Yes there are probably more black men with bigger sized dicks than there are white guys overall, but that doesn’t speak to ALL. Yes, at the first swinger party where we had a six-some with two white couples the Professor was clearly bigger than both of the other guys but that again was an isolated case. I’m no mathematician but it’s probably SOMEWHAT more likely to be that way but, like everything else in life not a guarantee. The only thing I can guarantee you about black men is that they are all stubborn and bullheaded as hell if you get into an argument and you will never win. I’m kidding… 😉 Kind of…. (try and prove me wrong!! LMAO!!)