Tag Archive | sparing feelings

Uh-oh

fighting

Tonight the Pilot and I opened a new couples profile together on the swinger site.  We added some pics of ourselves fucking as well as photos taken from each of our individual profiles.  He wrote it up really well and we look and sound awesome, if I do say so myself. 😉

As soon as he put it out publicly we were inundated with views and winks and emails as well as people sending us their private photo galleries.  It’s only been up a couple of hours and there have been something like 400 or more visitors already.  One of our first visitors was apparently, the Professor. :/

I felt awful.  He texted me almost as soon as the photos were posted.  He must have seen the ones of me and tried to click on it on the main page where they feature new photos.  Only, he couldn’t access our actual profile because the Pilot blocked single males from looking at us. 

His text said “I see you block single males from your profile now so I guess you found someone who will treat you well and appreciate you.  Good luck”.    I’d been hoping with him being blocked he wouldn’t have even been able to see the photos.  Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. 😦  No idea if he had to see the ones of us fucking or even recognized that it was us but for his sake I hope not.

It was especially bad because he’d been texting me yesterday, obviously trying to reconnect.  I do still care about him too, a lot, and don’t want to hurt him.  He clearly took us blocking single males as a personal affront but it wasn’t that at all.

The Pilot wanted to do so because he didn’t want to deal with emails from single men.  No reason that he should need to.  If I come up there to visit him and we are playing with someone we meet with our couples profile it wouldn’t be fair for it to be a guy.  Then the Pilot wouldn’t get to fuck anyone and I would.  A single female at least we could both play but he isn’t into guys. 

We kept our single profiles and it was decided to avoid drama we will only hook up with people TOGETHER with our couples profile and if we want to do something separately we need to do it with our own profiles.  Makes perfect sense to me. 

However the Prof was clearly hurt and it put a damper on my excitement.   We texted back and forth and I was here trying to comfort him in between happy texts from the Pilot telling me thanks for being such a cool girl.  We are also planning to go to another party and were getting all the details taken care of for that.  Then he was off to hang out with some swinger friends (and possibly have sex). 

I still feel totally relaxed about the Pilot and what he does without me.  It doesn’t bother me a bit at this point.  He’s just got a really good attitude about it all.  It was his idea to not have any outside hookups without each other from our couple’s profile.  I love the way he sets boundaries like that.  It makes me feel so much better about everything and like I don’t have to worry.

So, back to the Prof.  He was clearly jealous and upset.  I told him I wasn’t blocking single males from my regular profile just for this one and it’s only for occasional play with a friend.  He was like “oh, well ok.  Glad you found a friend that appreciates you”.  I must have told him at some point before that he didn’t appreciate me.  Sigh.

I told him to stop it.  That he’d pretty much broken my heart and that I wasn’t trying to hurt him and that the single male blocking wasn’t personal.  I said I didn’t think he’d even see it, which was true.  We put it in a zip code closer to the Pilot and I just wasn’t expecting the Prof to notice it right away like that.  Our profile photo doesn’t show our faces.

He said our breakup was hard for him too and that he cares for  me and it isn’t easy but I have the right to do whatever I like.  I spent some time explaining that it was just for fun and I’m not tied down to this guy or anything.  He commented “well, he must not want you guys to play with single guys when you’re a couple because he did block them”.  He was really stuck on the blocking thing.  Maybe because it makes him feel shut out and he can’t even look but I really don’t think he wants to see a bunch of pics of me fucking the Pilot anyhow.  I didn’t tell him that though.

I tried to explain our reasoning and he said I didn’t have to but there was still a hurt and jealous tone to his texts.  He kept saying “well, I hope you’re having fun”.  He made a comment that I acted like he was supposed to know this guy or something the way I talked and I said no, not that I know of.  I didn’t tell him this but I’ve barely even mentioned to the Pilot that I had a relationship before him.  I commented that I had been seeing someone about 9 months and going to parties with him occasionally but that’s all he knows.  He hasn’t pressed any further so I kept quiet about it.

It’s possible that they’ve met.  The Pilot apparently also knows (and probably slept with) the married woman that the Prof sees but I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about that.  I didn’t want to get into too much detail with either of them about that kind of stuff.

I finally told the Prof, hey, you didn’t want me anyway, you said you didn’t want any kind of relationship with me.  You said the other woman in your life was more valuable to you and that I wasn’t  worth the trouble.  Then when I tried to see how you were doing you acted uninterested in talking to me.  You seemed happy with all the people you were sleeping with and like I hadn’t really meant anything.

His excuse was that he was really busy with the end of the school year and then getting started in his new job.  He said he can’t believe I don’t think he cares and that he misses talking to me.  I told him I cried for months and you didn’t seem to care then and he said it was because he knew it would be harder.  

I finally said “well, it’s not like anyone was making you not talk to me or be around me.  That was what you wanted”.  He said it was because there was stuff in his life that he needed to get figured out.  I have no clue what he is referring to there.

We left it at that before he went to bed and I’m up here typing.  Part of me is thinking hey, why not just have my cake and eat it too?  Can I somehow incorporate the Prof back into my life without ruining things with the Pilot?  I really do have feelings for him.  Things right now with the Pilot are so awesome though, that I am also afraid to risk it. 

It SHOULDN’T be a risk but I am not so sure that it wouldn’t be.  The Prof knows a lot of people and likes to talk and could very easily get word out about things between he and I in a way that might piss off the Pilot.  I can see him trying to sabotage things with us.  Maybe he wouldn’t and maybe I am being unfair and should give him the benefit of the doubt, but then again, maybe not. 

I also do wonder about whether the Pilot is going to exhibit any jealousy in the future.  It’s too early to tell and if he doesn’t he’d be a rare male indeed.  He’s admitted that he is afraid it is something he could struggle with if he likes someone too much.  Right now he doesn’t ask me about guys but he has said we are free to do what we want with our individual profiles so I know he has to know that is a possibility.  I have no intention of rubbing it in his face or giving him details though unless he asks.

I wonder if it’s possible though, for me to have it all?  Like can I just have all my fun with the Pilot and relegate the Prof to the fuck buddy status he claimed to want or is that just a recipe for hurt and disaster at this point? 

Oh, and the Producer has been more silent lately.  Maybe I upset him when I told him I might be going out of town this weekend.  He knew it was to see another guy and he wanted to come here.  Also, he’s just been through an ordeal because he accidentally tried to board an airplane while carrying a loaded gun in his bag.  EEEk!  As you can imagine the TSA did not take kindly to this, especially coming from a big black man.  I guess it really was an accident and he has a conceal and carry license and a clean record so they let him off but he faces the possibility of like a 25,000 fine and has to be investigated by the Feds.  He said it was really embarrassing. 

Anyway, decisions, decisions……

Guilty as charged…

badgirl

So I’m feeling a little bit sneaky and dishonest today. I had sex with my fuck buddy and have no intention of telling the Professor about it. Normally we tell each other when we are going to sleep with another person. I just felt like today would be a bad day to share that information and it seemed so….. unnecessary.

See, the Professor already knows I fuck this guy from time to time. He is accepting of it, if not thrilled, lol. He says it is hard but he doesn’t begrudge me the opportunity to do so. He knows and agrees that if one of us doesn’t fuck other people it would be a lot more difficult to have the open relationship we both want and neither of us is ready to be tied down.

The Professor says when he knows I am fucking someone else it is hard for him, even though he is aware that it is his own issue to deal with. It even bugs him when I am not emotionally attached, like he knows is the case with Fuck Buddy. Afterwards he often doesn’t want to talk to me for a bit and won’t sleep with me on the same day that I’ve been with another guy (except in a group situation where he is included). It’s a little different from how I handle things, but I do understand. Poly relationships have their own challenges.

Normally he asks me to let him know before I have sex with another guy. He likes to be told when I am meeting up with the person and when I leave. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to try and text or call during that time and not get a response and have to wonder if I am fucking the other guy at that very instant. So I let him know and he theoretically does the same thing for me. I’m a little different in that I WANT to be contacted now and again if he is spending an entire weekend or something with someone (which is often the case for him and only occasionally do I have overnights with anyone else). Not hearing from him in those instances makes me feel abandoned and I want some reassurance that he is still thinking about me from time to time and not leaving me for the other person. I guess that is just my thing. I’d rather that than be ignored.

Anyhow today was a little different situation. The Professor was leaving to drive out of town and will be gone until after the holidays. 30 minutes after he headed out, my fuck buddy arrived at my house. I just didn’t think it would make him feel very good to think that the minute he leaves I’m jumping on another cock. Not that it actually has anything to do with him personally. Also, knowing he would be on a drive, with a college student he is giving a ride to, I knew there would be no reason for him to contact me. So it just seemed like it would be rubbing something in his face that I didn’t need to.

Still, I feel a little guilty. Like, I’m kinda breaking our contract. I don’t know. I never actually lied about it but it still feels like a bit of a lie, if a white one. :/

Also, I was a bit confused by the Professor’s behavior last night. I was leaving my kids with their dad and thought we would probably see each other, but I made no specific effort to make plans with him because I wanted to leave that decision to him after our last argument and see if he would invite me over on his own, without it being my suggestion. I’m usually the one that asks if he wants to see me, because I have limited free time and he is more flexible and it generally works out best that way, for both of us. So I let him know I was dropping the kids off and he asked what I was doing and I simply said I wasn’t sure.

Instead of inviting me over, like I’d hoped, he decided to go to a married friend’s house (people from work, not that he is sleeping with) for dinner. He was rather curious about what I was up to but never made an effort to get together and I was internally kind of pissed, but kept my mouth shut. Instead I took some time to myself and was vague about what I was doing towards the Professor.

Later that night we were texting and I mentioned that my furnace had stopped working and there was cold air blowing out of the vents. He offered to come over and take a look at it for me. Turned out he was able to fix it (yay) after two hours of work and he also bought new filters for me and replaced them. What a sweetheart! 🙂

I felt kinda bad for the way I’d been feeling towards him earlier in the evening, even though I had kept it to myself. Also, my just turned 3 year old daughter was the only one awake in the house when he came by and she was tired and cranky and wouldn’t go to sleep because of the excitement and took to screaming and being inconsolable no matter what I did. He stopped working and asked her if she’d let him hold her and walked around singing to her and got her to calm down. It was really sweet and cute because she was trying to sing along. Awww… This guy is NOT doing a good job of helping me not have feelings for him, I’ll tell you that!

So anyway, he fixed everything and gave me my Christmas present and left at like 2 am but no sex, just hugs and a peck on the cheek. Wah! 😦 He had to leave on a long drive early in the morning.

So when Mr. Fuck Buddy let me know he was in town, I was definitely in the mood. I mean, otherwise it might mean no sex for the rest of the holidays, lol. He was great in bed too and we had a fantastic time!

When I say he is a “fuck buddy” I mean that in the truest sense of the word, lol. No emotional thing going on with us WHATSOEVER. He had a birthday the other day and I didn’t even know and had to say Happy Birthday long after the fact. I also just found out today that he’d been married before. What?? LOL

So the minute he shows up at my door he’s pushing me back towards the bedroom and starts taking off his clothes. So I start removing mine and it was apparently not fast enough because he was ripping the rest of them off before I could finish, lol. Like he was unbuckling my bra from the back while I was still attempting to slide off my pants. A very hot sexual encounter ensued. He was being extra dominant and part of the time had me pinned face down on the bed while his hand was rubbing my clit and he was laying across my back fucking me hard and deep and slapping my ass hard enough to leave red marks. I actually squirted during that time and really the only times I’ve ever done that knowingly have been with him. He’s very well endowed (9 inches and super thick) so maybe that has something to do with it. Squirting itself isn’t THAT exciting to me but it was fun.

We did a few other positions too, and one that the Professor has done recently too, where we start out with me bent over the bed and him fucking me from behind and then he has me lay facedown on the edge of the bed while he climbs up behind me on his knees. That felt pretty good too. All together I came about 4 or 5 times. The whole thing lasted maybe 40 minutes from start to finish. I actually was feeling a bit worn out by the end (hey I stayed up late, got up early and he was wearing a condom which can start to chafe after a lot of vigorous pumping, lol) and so finished him off in my mouth. Yeah, I think I can handle a little guilt today. 😉