Tag Archive | skeletons in the closet

My deep, dark, past

dark basement

Fellow blogger and commenter Deep Explorations asked me a question and I felt it really deserved a blog post of it’s own.  He wonders, after reading a post about my emotional reaction and feelings of abandonment when the Professor played with that married woman, why I would put myself through this?  “It does seem remarkable to me that for someone with sooo much trauma in your past that you should seek out an open relationship, but maybe it is that trauma that sends you that way?”

I feel I should mention here that I don’t know that I particularly sought out an OPEN relationship with the Professor.  More, it seemed to fall in my lap.  I met him on the swinger site, but I had only registered in order to be allowed to attend one party, to feed my curiosity after speaking with a guy I’d had sex with twice and who was going to be there as well. 

I hadn’t even bothered to put up a photo on the website yet, just basic information about my height and weight and looks and that I was new at this.  He sent me an email that I liked because he seemed sweet and respectful and of course I took a look at his pictures.  From there we talked and I agreed to go out on a date.  We had incredible sex and the next night a really fun time at My First Swinger Party

We both seemed to really like each other and the reason it developed into an OPEN thing is because that is what he wanted!  He was already seeing someone else, the married woman, and I didn’t know the details of all that at first because he acted more as though they were fuck buddies.  I was playing the field at that time so it seemed like a good idea to be upfront and honest with each other about what we were doing.  He asked that I tell him when I was going to play and vice versa and I’m thinking GREAT, this guy is awesome!   I had a don’t ask/don’t tell style relationship with the guy I had the affair with and that worked for us because it helped keep out some of the jealousy problems (some, not all) but this idea of being up front was appealing.

At the time I began seeing the Professor, the guy I had the affair with and I were still talking but things were starting to fade.  So it followed that as I became more enamored with the Prof, contact between he and I dropped off and we were barely talking at all. Being more of an emotionally exclusive person myself, when I fall for someone, they are my main focus and anyone else would be just sex. I assumed it would be the same for him.

 The Professor, on the other hand, still had this woman in his life and when he bailed on me for three days the first time she came down to visit and I realized there was a serious emotional bond between them, rather than a fuck buddy sort of thing, I was hurt.  I did not like the idea of being a secondary one bit and he swore up and down I wasn’t.  Yet he had this relationship going on first and she was “in love” with him.  Ouch.  I’ve mentioned all the stuff that happened in several blog posts so I don’t want to repeat. 

Now for the meat and bones, the second “part” of my answer.  What lead me, ultimately, as someone who has had a lot of trauma in my life to get into things like swinging and a more open style of relationship?  Why did I ever think this would be okay?

Let’s delve here a little bit into my past.  Some of this is stuff that I’ve been reluctant to write about thus far because it has the potential to make even the most “open” blog readers to look down on me.  For a long time I carried a lot of shame due to my lifestyle as a teenager, I’d be lying if I said I’m not still holding on to a little bit of it now.  So please, try not to view me with too much disgust.  I’ve grown up and changed a whole lot since then.

 While I am not “proud” of my past and I realize that a lot of it came out of low self- esteem issues, I was also young and easily manipulated.  I’d grown up basically on my own, with unloving, neglectful and abusive “parents” and complete emotional abandonment.  I don’t remember my mother even so much as hugging me as a kid and the touches I received were pretty much limited to physical abuse (not sexual) so I was STARVED for any kind of affection I could get. 

In any case I’m not saying all this stuff was all that awful, I had a lot of fun in the process even if SOME of it was degrading.  I did some stupid things and was very reckless in regards to things like “safer sex” but thank God for antibiotics!  When I look back though, as an adult, and think about the stuff we did, I realize that a lot of it wasn’t all that different from the swinger Lifestyle!  Like seriously, as kids we were like little swingers in training.  Is it any wonder I’d feel comfortable in that position now?

So let’s start back at the beginning.  My first sexual relationship (at 13) was with a guy I was dating.  Normal, monogamous relationship, though he did end up in Juvenile detention for sexually harassing someone while we were going out.  Nice.  I think I’ve mentioned somewhere on this blog that our first sex was in a hotel room we had broken into, next to someone else’s suitcases on the bed!  We had a lot of sex, and I even remember doing it in front of other guys from time to time.

The second time was a random guy I met on the beach.  Sex in the bushes outside in the canoe club.  It was a one- time thing.  After that I had a thing going on with a much older guy that never turned into actual sex because of my age but he went down on me a lot.  I’m pretty sure he was also involved with other girls. 

Okay, so from there I moved back home and in with my grandmother to go to high school.  It was there that I met this girlfriend I will call “S”.  S and I hit it off immediately.  She was a biracial girl that was my exact same height and weight.  We were both skinny little things lol, at 5’6” and 105 lbs.  We had a LOT in common, though she was a tad more aggressive than me.  She had a white mother and black stepfather (just like me) and we had little brothers with the same name and even the pictures on the wall in her home were some of the same ones as at my mother’s house.  It was eerily weird.

Not long after we started hanging out she brought me with her to this guy’s house.  He actually wasn’t there, but in prison at the time.  He’d been tried as an adult for aiding in a bank robbery.  There were several other guys, including his brother and cousin, there in his unfinished basement bedroom.  This room had its own door and stairs leading down to it so you could come inside without having to bypass his mother and grandmother upstairs.  It was really two rooms, a big room with a pool table and waterbed and bathroom and then another with a fold out couch and tv.  There were doors at the top and bottom of the stairs, and between the two rooms.  I came to know this place very well over the next couple of years.

That night the guys started coming on to us and she had sex with one or more of them, I don’t remember who.  We were in the dark on the bed, all of us together and I went along and fucked the cousin.  Afterwards, they congratulated her and told her they knew she’d be responsible for “turning me out”.  At the time, I didn’t really even understand what they meant.  She later told me she would go over there and sleep with all these guys because she felt it made her “more popular”, and I suppose it did to an extent, as I found out, but there were  downsides as well.

I continued to have sex with him occasionally but he lived out of town and we really didn’t communicate much unless he was there.  So the next time we went over to visit it was someone else.  Again, I don’t remember who she was fucking but for me it was a very handsome light skinned biracial guy with green eyes.  So when he came on to me yeah, I wasn’t exactly complaining!  LOL  He too, was from out of town.  As good looking as he was the sex was a bit difficult due to his very large cock.

Anyway, after that another boy who was over there often asked me out and I agreed.  Really the only REASON I agreed was because I felt sorry for him.  He wasn’t all that attractive and had messed up teeth.  So I ended up sleeping with him too even though the other guys laughed about it.  Since we were “going out” whenever someone else tried to get me in bed I said no, but that didn’t last long.

The reason it didn’t last was because after I had sex with him for the 3rd or 4th time I was forcibly raped by another guy that was there.  I don’t even know for sure who it was.  The basement bedroom was pitch dark and he’d run upstairs when some people showed up for a drug deal.  I was still naked in the bed and someone else walked in, but I could only see his silhouette.  For the purpose of this blog I’m not going to detail that incident or those of the other rapes, but maybe another time when I can post a warning for those who don’t want to read it.

I don’t want you to think I was terribly traumatized afterwards, but I did cry.  I told some of the other guys who were there what happened and they speculated about who it was but basically told me to suck it up.  They said no one would believe me if I tried to report it because I’d been there having sex with guys already and the court wouldn’t care. 

Now, looking back I can see that I’d only had sex with 3 different people there total and it doesn’t seem like a huge deal but this attitude made me feel pretty bad, like I was already being seen as a worthless slut.  The guy I was seeing “broke up” with me because of the rape.

Sometime after that I slept with a random guy I met on the street, who turned out to be almost twice my age and married and they (some of the guys who hung out there) found out about it.  Of course this didn’t bode well for my reputation either.  After that there was a completely unrelated guy from school that I dated for a bit and then a guy I’d had a crush on for a long time.

By this time, the guy who had been in prison had gotten out.  It was a big deal and everyone was talking about it beforehand.  “S” made an especially big deal out of this and told me I’d really like HIM.  He was definitely the “alpha male” of the group and the leader.  I was never as impressed with him as she was, but we did get along.  In fact I wrote another blog post, where I talk about him, called The Ghosts of Guys in the Past.

The first night that I had sex with my crush (who happened to be the brother of the guy I had the affair with- but that is another story) Mr. Alpha Male was driving.  I was sitting in the backseat with the Crush and another guy, who I would later become involved with, surprisingly.  He was an ASSHOLE.  The Crush was trying to be sweet and kissing me and the ASSHOLE didn’t think things were going fast enough.  He grabbed him and was pulling him off of me, saying “Let me show you how to do this!” running his hand up my leg. The Crush pushed him away and told him to back off a few times, but he was offering commentary and wouldn’t shut up.  I so wanted to slap him!

In any case, we ended up having sex while several of the guys were sneaking into a club.  We were talking afterwards and he asked how many people I’d slept with up until that point.  I said 8 (him being the 9th) and he seemed to think that was an okay number.  His was 22. I was surprised that a 15 year old had slept with that many people already and he said he started when he was 11.

I was elated, afterwards, because he and I had been flirty for quite some time and I was hoping it would go somewhere but what happened the next night changed all that.  I was gang raped by 5 of them (he wasn’t there) in a park.  It would have been 6 but the police showed up and everyone took off running (except me, I rolled under a bush, grabbing my clothes and hid there while they were shining their spotlights around).

 Again, I don’t want to get in too much detail about the rapes for the purpose of this post but it was the Alpha Male (who got me to willingly have sex with him) followed by the ASSHOLE, who came and got on me afterwards and wouldn’t let me get up to get my clothes.  Some of the other guys involved were over 21 and they all were on probation or had warrants for their arrest. 

They didn’t physically harm me in any way but I was left feeling sick emotionally.  I hadn’t fought with them and basically just lay there, but they knew I was scared.  One of the guys kept repeating “she’s scared I don’t want to do this”.  A couple of the younger guys did come back and get me after the police left and we walked back home.  When I talked about it later with “S” she said they had done the same thing to her and pulled trains on several girls.

That night ruined the romantic aspect of the relationship between the Crush and I but we did continue to have sex occasionally.  I’d say it became more of a love/hate thing.  The guys had talked about me as though I went along willingly and I was afraid to tell anyone, even S, the truth, though she may have figured as much.  There was absolutely NO WAY I would have reported any of them to the police with all the risks that entailed. I wasn’t about to be a “snitch”.

You may wonder why I continued to hang around these people and I really can’t give an answer to that because I don’t know myself.  I was gang raped again soon after, by some of the same guys, starting again with the Alpha male and the Asshole.  I continued to sleep with the both of them separately for quite some time and was involved in some other group sexual encounters with them and several more guys who would come and go from that basement room.

Now that I’ve been involved a bit in the swinger scene I can see the parallels.  A lot of times we’d all be down there and people were walking around naked, there would be porn on the tv, and lots of sex going on while others watched.  Different females came and went but S and I were pretty much stable. 

Many times the guys involved had proper girlfriends and sometimes I didn’t even know about it until afterwards. At school, for the ones who were still there anyway, we sometimes acted like we barely knew one another.  It was all underground, almost literally.  While I had a reputation with certain people, many others, including several of my fairly close girlfriends, never had a clue. 

Sure people knew S and I hung out there because Alpha Male would sometimes pick us up in his car from school and he was well known.  Still, most were not aware of the kinds of things that went on behind closed doors.  At school I continued to get decent grades and have a relatively normal life in front of others, if being seen as a bit of a partier, but we all were!

There were times when we did crazy things, like basically played a game of Sexual Roulette.  I can remember Alpha male calling out directions for us to switch partners and S and I having sex with like 4 different guys together. First she would be with him and I was with the Asshole (who was really quite good in bed, if a total jerk), then she’d be with guy C while I was with the Alpha Male and, then I’m on guy C while she is doing guy D and so on. 

At one point she and I actually got into a contest to see who could sleep with the most people.  I was winning for a while but then she had to drop out of the race due to getting pregnant.  She still fucked around then but not as much.  For me it ended when I started dating the older psycho –jealous- crazy dude that everyone was scared of.  He forbade me to spend time around there and had enough influence to keep them away. 

I did continue on with some of the guys that were involved here, eventually, and even fell in love with one that had been involved with the gang rape.  He was the one telling everyone I was scared and he didn’t want to do it (but he went along anyway).  In any case, we had a pretty good run until he broke my heart by trying to get me to have sex with these guys again, years later, when I was older and more willing to stand up for myself.  It was the Alpha Male, the Asshole and a whole hotel room full of older guys actually, like 10-15 of them and I refused and someone stole my clothes and I was crying and begging him not to make me do it.  Eventually it got to him and he put some of his own clothes on me and drove me home. 

I know this probably sounds awful and traumatic but really for the most part it wasn’t.  Still emotionally, it was hard.  I had a few boyfriends that came and went but mostly there was minimal emotional relationship and a lot of times I felt used.  It’s really hard on my part to explain WHY I would continue to go there and I think a lot of it was just psychological plus a love of sex!! 

I can’t say I was “afraid” of any of the guys themselves or anything like that.  I even once got raped at gunpoint by a college basketball player and guess where I went afterwards?  I walked straight over to that basement room, though I never told anyone what had happened. 

I didn’t like the gangbangs at all and have a hard time comprehending women who are into them (though whatever floats your boat I guess).  The sex though, for me was addictive.  I had sex just about every day with at least one person and often more, though overall it was a repeat of the same guys over and over.  S and I would sometimes think we were “doing well” if we’d gone a few days without “giving in” to sleeping with one guy or another.  We even once read an article and decided we were “sex addicts”.  Well, hell, perhaps I still am, if that’s a real malady!  I’ve taken a test online on one of these sex addicts anonymous type sites and scored pretty highly.

I know there is very low respect in general for females who are doing the whole crew so again, this tends to be something I rarely talk about. I don’t want to portray myself as a victim though, because the majority of this stuff was done willingly.  Obviously, the rapes were not but they weren’t “that bad” either.  No one was physically hurting me.  It actually took me a long time to get to the point where I could even acknowledge that they actually WERE rapes (discounting the gunpoint guy and the stranger).  I did feel badly about having a train run on me though, because who can feel good about that?  Well, maybe women who fantasize about this in a swinger context?  That is soooo hard for me to understand, I guess due to the things that happened with me.

As S said, this did end up actually giving me a certain amount of “popularity” and of course free advertising that I liked sex!  Word does tend to get out and Lord knows there were plenty of guys who exaggerated their sexual escapades with me as well but only amongst certain people.

 There were a lot of FEMALES who were jealous of me.  Many knew S and I hung out over there but weren’t really aware of the whole of what was going on.  Still it got me into a couple of fights.  Thankfully I usually had people to back me up and nothing serious came of any of it. 

To add to my “popularity” (lol) sometimes I was pulled in on drug deals as a cover.  Like I would be at a party and a couple of guys would grab me and bring me in the bathroom so as not to look suspicious.  I’d be sitting on one of the guy’s laps while they did their business. Well, of course we all know what THAT looked like to outsiders.  Some girls really resented me for stuff like this because I was let into rooms that they were locked out of and stuff and didn’t know what was going on.

In any case, I couldn’t live this way forever and as I’ve mentioned in previous posts I had a need to move on and do better for myself.  After a run with the crazy, psycho ex, the guy who broke my heart and the platonic friend who I started having threesomes with, I went away to college and from there I met my ex husband.  S didn’t know for sure that her baby belonged to Alpha Male until long after he was dead and gone. She kept on with some pretty crazy stuff though and had a child with another man who was murdered as well as with someone who abused her.  Nowadays she seems to be doing better and her oldest kids anyway are doing great and never got into the kind of trouble we did.

Anyhow, due to all this, I can’t say that for ME, monogamy seems like the default!  I really didn’t have a lot of it in my early days of having sex.  Still, EMOTIONALLY I have a tendency to WANT that.  So am I doing it because of being “damaged”?  Well, maybe to an extent but I also have seen so much cheating (and sometimes from guys you’d never guess it from and who weren’t getting into “trouble” otherwise) that it is hard for me to believe it wouldn’t happen anyway, especially even when my preaching, low sex drive ex husband fell in love with someone else!

The ghosts of guys in the past

He stood at the foot of the bed, looking especially handsome with his shirt off, leaning in towards me, talking in a hushed tone of voice. I lay on the bed, waiting for him to finish undressing. I hadn’t seen him in years but it felt so right to be doing this again. We smiled at each other and kissed, me wrapping my arms around his neck, before there was a knock at the door. He got up, walking past the long wooden chest that sat against the wall. The size and shape reminded me of a casket. I looked out the second story window and down at the people milling about on the lawn below. Friends we’d partied with when we were younger were drinking and talking amongst a sea of unfamiliar faces.

The knocking became more intense and the door opened a crack. Someone was being very persistent, and trying to rattle and push the door open. “WAIT, I’m not ready yet!” shouted my friend, pushing back up against the door, but the guy on the other side wouldn’t let up. It was then that I realized he had a gun. The struggle continued with both men pushing against the door in opposite directions, then…

BANG!!!! I shot up in bed. My body was shaking, tears streaming down my cheeks. I hadn’t thought about him in years. It had been at least a decade since we’d seen each other and my life was so different. Why now? Why would I have a dream about HIM, of all people? Not that we’d ever had any kind of fight or argument, he just hadn’t so much as crossed my mind in ages.

My part- time minister husband was working his regular job that night and not at home. It was hard for me to fall back asleep in the dark. My mind was swimming with memories and questions. Had God awoken me with a dream like that for a reason? Was I supposed to pray for this guy, and the people I had known in the past? Maybe that was it. I buried my face in the pillow, trying to pray, trying to quell my racing heart and the feeling of fear that I couldn’t shake.

Two days later my sister called me. Had I heard about what happened? The guy in my dream had been killed two days before. Shot, at a party, and then beaten with the gun. All the people there had scattered, and left him to die alone. According to my calculations he would have been laying there, on the verge of death at the approximate time of my dream. It happened in a second story apartment. Chills ran through my body as his voice echoed in my ears “WAIT, I’m not ready yet!”

At the time of his death he was 28 years old. My mind flashed back to moments in the past. The time when I’d been sitting on the curb with him after his sister died. He was drunk and trying to call her on the cordless phone. It’s the only time I’d ever seen him break down and cry. He’d told me then that he knew he’d never live to be 30 and I kept telling him to stop saying that but he insisted it was true. He said he wanted to get out of the lifestyle he was living, the parties, the chaos and I asked him why he didn’t just ask everyone to leave now and he said he couldn’t do it.

Years before he’d said the same thing. We were lying in bed after having sex and I was imploring him to tell me what he wanted to do with his future. “Are you going to go to college?” I asked and he’d responded that there would be no point since he knew he’d never live to be 30. Unconvinced, I insisted that it didn’t have to be that way, that he shouldn’t give up and he relented and said he’d probably go to community college.

I wanted to attend his funeral but couldn’t. My ex-husband thought I should forgo all contact with the people of the past and that even thinking or talking about it was “glorifying Satan” and quite possibly tempting myself to return to my former sinful ways. Plus a wake was an evil Catholic concoction that was simply an excuse for drinking alcohol. I grieved in silence. My sister, who had only known him in passing, went with her then boyfriend and reported back to me. She kept me updated on the news the papers failed to report, the underground word on the street, the fact that he’d had large amounts of cocaine coursing through his veins and a recent drug deal under his belt at the time of his death.

I have to wonder what that dream really meant. Was he still alive when I dreamt it? Was he lying on the floor dying, his life flashing before his eyes and somehow I crossed his mind? Did he come to me for a reason, after his death? If so, why me? I’ve had many dreams that were eerily prophetic but that was one of the most vivid and real I have ever experienced.

What’s funny is that he and I were never what I’d really call “close”. We’d had sex on quite a few occasions, maybe a dozen times, but it was far from a “relationship”. More like fuck buddies and we were relatively emotionally distant from one another. Still I’d spent quite a bit of time around him and at his house, sleeping with other people and sometimes he was there with other girls too. Neither one of us cared or was jealous or bothered by it at all.

He was the quintessential “alpha male” of the pack. The guy everyone looked up to and respected as a leader. His house was the center for many of the wilder get-togethers and parties of my youth. He was also the biggest manwhore I have ever met! Upon his death he had at least 6 or 7 known children with different women, one of my sister’s friends was pregnant with his baby and another friend of mine had a teenage daughter that he never even knew belonged to him. I honestly think he had sex with at LEAST 2/3 of the females I knew in high school. LOL

I can trace many of my more debase sexual experiences back to him, though I hold no grudges. He was never mean and as someone described him in a newspaper after his death, was “always debonair with the ladies”. I even remember once walking into a room at his house, when it was full of people, and finding him sitting on the end of the bed, watching his 10 year old sister sleep. He said there was no way he was letting any of these guys near her and was determined to protect her. Unfortunately he was unable to protect her from her own untimely death at the age of 13, which was truly heartbreaking.

It’s funny how the people of the past and the experiences you have with them shape the person you are today. Every person I have had sex with, even the one night stands, hold some kind of meaning in my life. Granted there is at least one on my written list that I can’t remember who the hell he was for the life of me, but overall we become a compilation of those we’ve had sexual relations with. It defines how we ourselves become in bed.

The guy I mentioned above once asked me who was the best in bed out of all the guys I’d slept with (or more specifically out of the ones I’d slept with that he knew personally, aka “his boys”, lol). He begged me to be totally honest and tell the truth, so I did. Even though I knew he wanted me to say it was him I told him what I really thought, and that was someone else, his best friend. He took it well and didn’t get upset. Another friend of mine thought he was the best in bed ever, but I just didn’t. To me the sex was mediocre, yet there are a lot of things I never would have experienced had it not been for him.

I think the people in our pasts, like it or not, will always haunt us, whether it be for good or bad. Sure, we can rid ourselves of a lot of unwanted baggage but the skeletons are still there in the closet, the memories that hide within popping out on us in moments we never expected. One guy will do something that reminds me of someone else. We pick people that have mannerisms or sexual behaviors that are similar to those we enjoyed in the past. From that we develop a “type” and some of us are very true to that. There are things I expect from men that maybe other women don’t and kinks I’ve developed in bed that are carried over from other lovers. It’s interesting how it all works out.

I wonder sometimes if it isn’t easier for those who are virgins until they find “the one” and stay together forever because they haven’t had those ghosts to live up to. Yet at the same time I wouldn’t trade the experiences that I’ve had because then I would never have discovered so many turn-ons that I enjoy now. It takes awhile to really develop a knowledge for what YOU want sexually and that realization would be hard to come to without trial and error. In any case, I’m ever growing as a sexual being, even now and thoroughly enjoying the process, even when it involves Ghostbusting! lol 😉