Tag Archive | secrets

Can you all keep a secret?

secrets1

I have a confession to make. This actually seems like an exceptionally weird time to make it, what with the Cohort seeming to have vanished, but it has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. I’ve wanted to write something about it, but just haven’t been able to bring myself to admit this publicly.

You know how, on this blog, I’m always ranting and railing against Madonna/Whore and the unfair way men seem to act, wanting to fuck everything in sight, yet getting jealous when a woman shows ANY interest in another man? It always bothered me sooo much, until I fell for the Cohort. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of self discovery that was sort of disturbing.

I found out that, at least with him, in a way I never expected, it TURNED ME ON.

Now, the Cohort has always been fair, and kept his jealousies in check, realizing that a double standard in our situation would not be okay. He’s gotten a little jealous a couple of times, and he was real about it, but he also got himself under control without losing it. I respect that and I feel he is better than most in that area, actually.

I’m not even talking about jealousy from a man here, really, as its not hard for me to admit that it sometimes feels good to have a man get riled up enough to show he cares. No, I’m talking about me. I’m talking about ME getting turned on by what is maybe a combination of my own jealousy mixed with a little bit of playing on a man’s Madonna/whore.

I wrote a little bit in this blog, but not much, about how I went several months without sleeping with anyone but the Cohort. What I left out, is that, not only did I have almost no desire for other men (because I was so smitten with him), but that it was also, kind of…. turning me on? Something about the fact, that he was still sleeping with people, but I was not, was making me HOT.

What the fuck Lovergirl? Where is your head? Do you need me to smack you upside of it so you can think straight again? How could you get turned on by that? Didn’t it bother you??

All good questions, and I just… don’t know. Maybe I did completely lose my head. I was so wound up in my emotions that somehow it felt…GOOD.

Like one time, when he had gone off for a weekend of gangbanging, I remember feeling mildly threatened and jealous. Only it wasn’t too bad, because I knew it was not an emotional thing for him, just sexual. When he came back, he told me all about it.

I listened to his stories for a bit before he started kissing me and taking off my clothes. He whispered in my ear “but you, you haven’t had sex for awhile, have you?” I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head no. I could tell it turned him on just as much as it did me, and the lovemaking that followed was incredibly intense. He was flooding me with affection that it felt like he’d been holding back for a long time, saving it all for me.

Not just then, but other times too. It just felt so good to feel like I was the only one on the recieving end of all that EMOTION, like he was reserving it for me, while I was reserving my body for him. Even at a party we went to, where he slept with three other women (and me with no one else, I wrote a bit about that one before), each time he would come to me afterwards for what felt like especially mind blowing sex. I loved feeling like I belonged to HIM, and him alone.

I guess that mostly ended after the first time I got pregnant. Maybe that was a big part of what lead up to that for us, subconsciously. Like he once commented, (referring to someone else) pregnancy is like the ultimate “handcuff”. After losing the baby(ies) I felt the need to use logic again and also be sleeping with other men, since we aren’t committed. I wanted to protect my heart, which was getting too involved.

Even now, I have been having a very hard time getting over the emotional hurdle of having sex with other men. I’ve slept with some, but I just can’t seem to open myself up. I’m holding back much more than usual.

All this has helped me understand, at least maybe a little more, the whole cuckhold phenomenon. I’ve always found it kind of baffling, but maybe I get it more than I want to admit, from my own angle. Did you know that there are females that are into that and they are called cuckqueens? You don’t hear a whole lot about that, but I wonder if it is more common than we realize.

It seems like, the little bit you can find online about that sort of thing though, is filled with levels of degradation and humiliation that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not all about that. For me I guess, it’s something different.

Like at the parties before, he has done things like had me suck his dick before he went off and fucked someone else, but nothing about it felt bad. I knew he was coming back to me, tenfold, afterwards.

I once sort of shared my feelings about all this with the Cohort, over a short text. We didn’t talk about it in depth but he brought it up on Valentine’s Day, during my miscarriage and while we were eating at a pizzeria. It wasn’t a good time and I kind of just denied it all and looked away. He tends to probe my feelings and reactions more deeply, but this time he just looked at me quizically and didn’t comment. I think he knows.

It’s just one of those things that is very hard to talk about. It’s like admitting you feel okay with that can be very shameful and embarrassing. I think, with the Cohort, my level of emotional safety was so much higher that I felt I could drop my guard and just be who I am. He would lightly tease me about things of that nature or jokingly call me his “slut slave” but he never took it too far.

There is something super intimate though, about taking it to a deeper level that way. I miss him so much. 😦 At least you all are getting some good writing out of this! 😉

My deep, dark, past

dark basement

Fellow blogger and commenter Deep Explorations asked me a question and I felt it really deserved a blog post of it’s own.  He wonders, after reading a post about my emotional reaction and feelings of abandonment when the Professor played with that married woman, why I would put myself through this?  “It does seem remarkable to me that for someone with sooo much trauma in your past that you should seek out an open relationship, but maybe it is that trauma that sends you that way?”

I feel I should mention here that I don’t know that I particularly sought out an OPEN relationship with the Professor.  More, it seemed to fall in my lap.  I met him on the swinger site, but I had only registered in order to be allowed to attend one party, to feed my curiosity after speaking with a guy I’d had sex with twice and who was going to be there as well. 

I hadn’t even bothered to put up a photo on the website yet, just basic information about my height and weight and looks and that I was new at this.  He sent me an email that I liked because he seemed sweet and respectful and of course I took a look at his pictures.  From there we talked and I agreed to go out on a date.  We had incredible sex and the next night a really fun time at My First Swinger Party

We both seemed to really like each other and the reason it developed into an OPEN thing is because that is what he wanted!  He was already seeing someone else, the married woman, and I didn’t know the details of all that at first because he acted more as though they were fuck buddies.  I was playing the field at that time so it seemed like a good idea to be upfront and honest with each other about what we were doing.  He asked that I tell him when I was going to play and vice versa and I’m thinking GREAT, this guy is awesome!   I had a don’t ask/don’t tell style relationship with the guy I had the affair with and that worked for us because it helped keep out some of the jealousy problems (some, not all) but this idea of being up front was appealing.

At the time I began seeing the Professor, the guy I had the affair with and I were still talking but things were starting to fade.  So it followed that as I became more enamored with the Prof, contact between he and I dropped off and we were barely talking at all. Being more of an emotionally exclusive person myself, when I fall for someone, they are my main focus and anyone else would be just sex. I assumed it would be the same for him.

 The Professor, on the other hand, still had this woman in his life and when he bailed on me for three days the first time she came down to visit and I realized there was a serious emotional bond between them, rather than a fuck buddy sort of thing, I was hurt.  I did not like the idea of being a secondary one bit and he swore up and down I wasn’t.  Yet he had this relationship going on first and she was “in love” with him.  Ouch.  I’ve mentioned all the stuff that happened in several blog posts so I don’t want to repeat. 

Now for the meat and bones, the second “part” of my answer.  What lead me, ultimately, as someone who has had a lot of trauma in my life to get into things like swinging and a more open style of relationship?  Why did I ever think this would be okay?

Let’s delve here a little bit into my past.  Some of this is stuff that I’ve been reluctant to write about thus far because it has the potential to make even the most “open” blog readers to look down on me.  For a long time I carried a lot of shame due to my lifestyle as a teenager, I’d be lying if I said I’m not still holding on to a little bit of it now.  So please, try not to view me with too much disgust.  I’ve grown up and changed a whole lot since then.

 While I am not “proud” of my past and I realize that a lot of it came out of low self- esteem issues, I was also young and easily manipulated.  I’d grown up basically on my own, with unloving, neglectful and abusive “parents” and complete emotional abandonment.  I don’t remember my mother even so much as hugging me as a kid and the touches I received were pretty much limited to physical abuse (not sexual) so I was STARVED for any kind of affection I could get. 

In any case I’m not saying all this stuff was all that awful, I had a lot of fun in the process even if SOME of it was degrading.  I did some stupid things and was very reckless in regards to things like “safer sex” but thank God for antibiotics!  When I look back though, as an adult, and think about the stuff we did, I realize that a lot of it wasn’t all that different from the swinger Lifestyle!  Like seriously, as kids we were like little swingers in training.  Is it any wonder I’d feel comfortable in that position now?

So let’s start back at the beginning.  My first sexual relationship (at 13) was with a guy I was dating.  Normal, monogamous relationship, though he did end up in Juvenile detention for sexually harassing someone while we were going out.  Nice.  I think I’ve mentioned somewhere on this blog that our first sex was in a hotel room we had broken into, next to someone else’s suitcases on the bed!  We had a lot of sex, and I even remember doing it in front of other guys from time to time.

The second time was a random guy I met on the beach.  Sex in the bushes outside in the canoe club.  It was a one- time thing.  After that I had a thing going on with a much older guy that never turned into actual sex because of my age but he went down on me a lot.  I’m pretty sure he was also involved with other girls. 

Okay, so from there I moved back home and in with my grandmother to go to high school.  It was there that I met this girlfriend I will call “S”.  S and I hit it off immediately.  She was a biracial girl that was my exact same height and weight.  We were both skinny little things lol, at 5’6” and 105 lbs.  We had a LOT in common, though she was a tad more aggressive than me.  She had a white mother and black stepfather (just like me) and we had little brothers with the same name and even the pictures on the wall in her home were some of the same ones as at my mother’s house.  It was eerily weird.

Not long after we started hanging out she brought me with her to this guy’s house.  He actually wasn’t there, but in prison at the time.  He’d been tried as an adult for aiding in a bank robbery.  There were several other guys, including his brother and cousin, there in his unfinished basement bedroom.  This room had its own door and stairs leading down to it so you could come inside without having to bypass his mother and grandmother upstairs.  It was really two rooms, a big room with a pool table and waterbed and bathroom and then another with a fold out couch and tv.  There were doors at the top and bottom of the stairs, and between the two rooms.  I came to know this place very well over the next couple of years.

That night the guys started coming on to us and she had sex with one or more of them, I don’t remember who.  We were in the dark on the bed, all of us together and I went along and fucked the cousin.  Afterwards, they congratulated her and told her they knew she’d be responsible for “turning me out”.  At the time, I didn’t really even understand what they meant.  She later told me she would go over there and sleep with all these guys because she felt it made her “more popular”, and I suppose it did to an extent, as I found out, but there were  downsides as well.

I continued to have sex with him occasionally but he lived out of town and we really didn’t communicate much unless he was there.  So the next time we went over to visit it was someone else.  Again, I don’t remember who she was fucking but for me it was a very handsome light skinned biracial guy with green eyes.  So when he came on to me yeah, I wasn’t exactly complaining!  LOL  He too, was from out of town.  As good looking as he was the sex was a bit difficult due to his very large cock.

Anyway, after that another boy who was over there often asked me out and I agreed.  Really the only REASON I agreed was because I felt sorry for him.  He wasn’t all that attractive and had messed up teeth.  So I ended up sleeping with him too even though the other guys laughed about it.  Since we were “going out” whenever someone else tried to get me in bed I said no, but that didn’t last long.

The reason it didn’t last was because after I had sex with him for the 3rd or 4th time I was forcibly raped by another guy that was there.  I don’t even know for sure who it was.  The basement bedroom was pitch dark and he’d run upstairs when some people showed up for a drug deal.  I was still naked in the bed and someone else walked in, but I could only see his silhouette.  For the purpose of this blog I’m not going to detail that incident or those of the other rapes, but maybe another time when I can post a warning for those who don’t want to read it.

I don’t want you to think I was terribly traumatized afterwards, but I did cry.  I told some of the other guys who were there what happened and they speculated about who it was but basically told me to suck it up.  They said no one would believe me if I tried to report it because I’d been there having sex with guys already and the court wouldn’t care. 

Now, looking back I can see that I’d only had sex with 3 different people there total and it doesn’t seem like a huge deal but this attitude made me feel pretty bad, like I was already being seen as a worthless slut.  The guy I was seeing “broke up” with me because of the rape.

Sometime after that I slept with a random guy I met on the street, who turned out to be almost twice my age and married and they (some of the guys who hung out there) found out about it.  Of course this didn’t bode well for my reputation either.  After that there was a completely unrelated guy from school that I dated for a bit and then a guy I’d had a crush on for a long time.

By this time, the guy who had been in prison had gotten out.  It was a big deal and everyone was talking about it beforehand.  “S” made an especially big deal out of this and told me I’d really like HIM.  He was definitely the “alpha male” of the group and the leader.  I was never as impressed with him as she was, but we did get along.  In fact I wrote another blog post, where I talk about him, called The Ghosts of Guys in the Past.

The first night that I had sex with my crush (who happened to be the brother of the guy I had the affair with- but that is another story) Mr. Alpha Male was driving.  I was sitting in the backseat with the Crush and another guy, who I would later become involved with, surprisingly.  He was an ASSHOLE.  The Crush was trying to be sweet and kissing me and the ASSHOLE didn’t think things were going fast enough.  He grabbed him and was pulling him off of me, saying “Let me show you how to do this!” running his hand up my leg. The Crush pushed him away and told him to back off a few times, but he was offering commentary and wouldn’t shut up.  I so wanted to slap him!

In any case, we ended up having sex while several of the guys were sneaking into a club.  We were talking afterwards and he asked how many people I’d slept with up until that point.  I said 8 (him being the 9th) and he seemed to think that was an okay number.  His was 22. I was surprised that a 15 year old had slept with that many people already and he said he started when he was 11.

I was elated, afterwards, because he and I had been flirty for quite some time and I was hoping it would go somewhere but what happened the next night changed all that.  I was gang raped by 5 of them (he wasn’t there) in a park.  It would have been 6 but the police showed up and everyone took off running (except me, I rolled under a bush, grabbing my clothes and hid there while they were shining their spotlights around).

 Again, I don’t want to get in too much detail about the rapes for the purpose of this post but it was the Alpha Male (who got me to willingly have sex with him) followed by the ASSHOLE, who came and got on me afterwards and wouldn’t let me get up to get my clothes.  Some of the other guys involved were over 21 and they all were on probation or had warrants for their arrest. 

They didn’t physically harm me in any way but I was left feeling sick emotionally.  I hadn’t fought with them and basically just lay there, but they knew I was scared.  One of the guys kept repeating “she’s scared I don’t want to do this”.  A couple of the younger guys did come back and get me after the police left and we walked back home.  When I talked about it later with “S” she said they had done the same thing to her and pulled trains on several girls.

That night ruined the romantic aspect of the relationship between the Crush and I but we did continue to have sex occasionally.  I’d say it became more of a love/hate thing.  The guys had talked about me as though I went along willingly and I was afraid to tell anyone, even S, the truth, though she may have figured as much.  There was absolutely NO WAY I would have reported any of them to the police with all the risks that entailed. I wasn’t about to be a “snitch”.

You may wonder why I continued to hang around these people and I really can’t give an answer to that because I don’t know myself.  I was gang raped again soon after, by some of the same guys, starting again with the Alpha male and the Asshole.  I continued to sleep with the both of them separately for quite some time and was involved in some other group sexual encounters with them and several more guys who would come and go from that basement room.

Now that I’ve been involved a bit in the swinger scene I can see the parallels.  A lot of times we’d all be down there and people were walking around naked, there would be porn on the tv, and lots of sex going on while others watched.  Different females came and went but S and I were pretty much stable. 

Many times the guys involved had proper girlfriends and sometimes I didn’t even know about it until afterwards. At school, for the ones who were still there anyway, we sometimes acted like we barely knew one another.  It was all underground, almost literally.  While I had a reputation with certain people, many others, including several of my fairly close girlfriends, never had a clue. 

Sure people knew S and I hung out there because Alpha Male would sometimes pick us up in his car from school and he was well known.  Still, most were not aware of the kinds of things that went on behind closed doors.  At school I continued to get decent grades and have a relatively normal life in front of others, if being seen as a bit of a partier, but we all were!

There were times when we did crazy things, like basically played a game of Sexual Roulette.  I can remember Alpha male calling out directions for us to switch partners and S and I having sex with like 4 different guys together. First she would be with him and I was with the Asshole (who was really quite good in bed, if a total jerk), then she’d be with guy C while I was with the Alpha Male and, then I’m on guy C while she is doing guy D and so on. 

At one point she and I actually got into a contest to see who could sleep with the most people.  I was winning for a while but then she had to drop out of the race due to getting pregnant.  She still fucked around then but not as much.  For me it ended when I started dating the older psycho –jealous- crazy dude that everyone was scared of.  He forbade me to spend time around there and had enough influence to keep them away. 

I did continue on with some of the guys that were involved here, eventually, and even fell in love with one that had been involved with the gang rape.  He was the one telling everyone I was scared and he didn’t want to do it (but he went along anyway).  In any case, we had a pretty good run until he broke my heart by trying to get me to have sex with these guys again, years later, when I was older and more willing to stand up for myself.  It was the Alpha Male, the Asshole and a whole hotel room full of older guys actually, like 10-15 of them and I refused and someone stole my clothes and I was crying and begging him not to make me do it.  Eventually it got to him and he put some of his own clothes on me and drove me home. 

I know this probably sounds awful and traumatic but really for the most part it wasn’t.  Still emotionally, it was hard.  I had a few boyfriends that came and went but mostly there was minimal emotional relationship and a lot of times I felt used.  It’s really hard on my part to explain WHY I would continue to go there and I think a lot of it was just psychological plus a love of sex!! 

I can’t say I was “afraid” of any of the guys themselves or anything like that.  I even once got raped at gunpoint by a college basketball player and guess where I went afterwards?  I walked straight over to that basement room, though I never told anyone what had happened. 

I didn’t like the gangbangs at all and have a hard time comprehending women who are into them (though whatever floats your boat I guess).  The sex though, for me was addictive.  I had sex just about every day with at least one person and often more, though overall it was a repeat of the same guys over and over.  S and I would sometimes think we were “doing well” if we’d gone a few days without “giving in” to sleeping with one guy or another.  We even once read an article and decided we were “sex addicts”.  Well, hell, perhaps I still am, if that’s a real malady!  I’ve taken a test online on one of these sex addicts anonymous type sites and scored pretty highly.

I know there is very low respect in general for females who are doing the whole crew so again, this tends to be something I rarely talk about. I don’t want to portray myself as a victim though, because the majority of this stuff was done willingly.  Obviously, the rapes were not but they weren’t “that bad” either.  No one was physically hurting me.  It actually took me a long time to get to the point where I could even acknowledge that they actually WERE rapes (discounting the gunpoint guy and the stranger).  I did feel badly about having a train run on me though, because who can feel good about that?  Well, maybe women who fantasize about this in a swinger context?  That is soooo hard for me to understand, I guess due to the things that happened with me.

As S said, this did end up actually giving me a certain amount of “popularity” and of course free advertising that I liked sex!  Word does tend to get out and Lord knows there were plenty of guys who exaggerated their sexual escapades with me as well but only amongst certain people.

 There were a lot of FEMALES who were jealous of me.  Many knew S and I hung out over there but weren’t really aware of the whole of what was going on.  Still it got me into a couple of fights.  Thankfully I usually had people to back me up and nothing serious came of any of it. 

To add to my “popularity” (lol) sometimes I was pulled in on drug deals as a cover.  Like I would be at a party and a couple of guys would grab me and bring me in the bathroom so as not to look suspicious.  I’d be sitting on one of the guy’s laps while they did their business. Well, of course we all know what THAT looked like to outsiders.  Some girls really resented me for stuff like this because I was let into rooms that they were locked out of and stuff and didn’t know what was going on.

In any case, I couldn’t live this way forever and as I’ve mentioned in previous posts I had a need to move on and do better for myself.  After a run with the crazy, psycho ex, the guy who broke my heart and the platonic friend who I started having threesomes with, I went away to college and from there I met my ex husband.  S didn’t know for sure that her baby belonged to Alpha Male until long after he was dead and gone. She kept on with some pretty crazy stuff though and had a child with another man who was murdered as well as with someone who abused her.  Nowadays she seems to be doing better and her oldest kids anyway are doing great and never got into the kind of trouble we did.

Anyhow, due to all this, I can’t say that for ME, monogamy seems like the default!  I really didn’t have a lot of it in my early days of having sex.  Still, EMOTIONALLY I have a tendency to WANT that.  So am I doing it because of being “damaged”?  Well, maybe to an extent but I also have seen so much cheating (and sometimes from guys you’d never guess it from and who weren’t getting into “trouble” otherwise) that it is hard for me to believe it wouldn’t happen anyway, especially even when my preaching, low sex drive ex husband fell in love with someone else!

When being open isn’t enough

tears

So remember the Professor? The guy I was in an “open” relationship with? The one I kept saying I liked so much because above all else he was HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY? Yeah, well, it turns out he’s a big, fat, LIAR. I am so disappointed, crushed and totally let down. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like I’ve ever met or been in a relationship with a guy in my life who DIDN’T turn out to be a big liar, but the fantasy that they are out there was a nice one.

Last night we went to another swinger party. This one was at a hotel. It was not a technical “hotel takeover” but there were something like 75-100 people at this place, in a tourist town that is not too far away from where we live. There were a bunch of rooms reserved at the back of the hotel specifically for the swinger party and a lot of people stayed the whole weekend and hung out socializing in the pool and lobby areas. Groups of people also were going out to bars and such in town, so not everyone was there at once.

The Professor and I didn’t sign up until Saturday, since we hadn’t gotten a response back from the Latino couple we have been emailing with for this weekend and the party was Plan B. That couple had made it pretty clear to me that they were interested in a FMF with me more than anything so I told them straight up that I was not ready for that and would be happy to meet them with the Professor but wasn’t interested in going at it alone at this point. He’s the one who told them about me, thinking we would swap as a COUPLE so I wasn’t going to just run off and sleep with them alone and exclude him, plus I just wasn’t really that interested. She had told me flat out she wasn’t really that bi and just wanted to do the whole thing FOR HIM. I’m not really that interested in giving this fantasy to some guy I have never even met. Anyhow, apparently that was all they needed to know because they stopped responding to messages after that.

So we decided to go to this hotel party and I was actually kind of excited. I was bound and determined for us to have a GOOD experience this time. I was in a good mood and ready to have fun. I spent the day beautifying myself, exercising, painting my nails, and checking out the swinger website, seeing who was signed up for the party and skimming over the profiles (well in between laundry, dishes, cleaning, paying bills and taking care of kids, but you don’t wanna hear about that). I got a zillion views and a few emails from people on there who saw I was signed up for the party but the Professor says he only got like 3 views. According to him that’s because I am listed as a single female and everyone wants that elusive “unicorn”. Probably true that they were hoping for me alone because I did get some asking me to have FMF threesomes.

During my profile skimming I noticed the Professor had been looking at mine and went over to his and was looking at his previous list of validations. He has quite a few. One of them that I looked at was a woman he has told me before that he has had sex with several times. She is part of a couple and older than me and lives near where the party was going to be. After checking out their profile I got an email that was from “her” saying that she understands the Professor wants a FMF and that she would love to have one with him and me. I laughed out loud and texted him to ask what that was all about. He said he is always up for a FMF but that he suspects her husband is the one who sent me that. I wasn’t opposed to the idea or anything because I had just told him recently that if I am going to have one I would feel much safer doing it with HIM than with another guy because I felt I could trust him to look out for my feelings and make sure I didn’t feel left out (my only experience in bed with a guy and one other female was when I was really young and didn’t turn out so great, leaving me feeling pretty bad). So I teased him a little about it and was like “hmmmm…..” and was actually seriously considering the possibility. He said she had texted him earlier and that they keep in contact but that she and her husband were not going to be at the party.

When I arrived at the Professor’s house he was fresh out of the shower and still in a towel. We kissed and I stood there talking to him as he was getting ready to go, playing and teasing him and just generally in a happy mood. He looked so hot rubbing lotion on his naked body.

He got us both something to eat on the way and we headed out of town for the party, arriving around 9pm. One of the hosts had texted me to say things were a bit slow due to different groups of people being at a piano bar and a pub. Still there were quite a few folks milling around the lobby when we arrived. The pool had some kids swimming in it so people were staying out of there until it cleared out. Supposedly it was reserved for the party but families had shown up anyway and no one told them to get out of the pool. We’d already been warned that we had to be careful and be on good public behavior except for inside the rooms.

So in the lobby there were a lot of people talking and drinking. Most of them were in their 40’s or 50’s and I looked to be the youngest person there. I get told frequently that I look younger than I am so it seemed like an even bigger age difference than it probably actually was. In fact the night before a 20 something guy working the register at the grocery store had acted totally shocked when I said I had a 13 year old. He couldn’t believe I was old enough to have a child that age and when I told him my actual age he was like “NO WAY!!!” haha. I seriously should start telling guys I am 29 because I’d totally pass for it.

Anyhow, I was younger and thinner and more attractive than pretty much anyone there. I know that sounds conceited, and I don’t intend for it to be, just an honest assessment. Of course this meant I got a lot of attention! There were several men flirting with me. One in particular seems almost obsessed, lol. This guy looks like Burt Reynolds, haha. He’s really nice, and actually not bad for an older man (he’s like in his 50’s) but his wife clearly doesn’t like me. She’s the same woman who made a catty comment towards me at the last party about how “oh, you are MUCH prettier than he SAID you were” regarding the Professor. So that made me feel a little awkward.

There was another married guy that I had seen at the last party having sex with his wife on a mattress. She is the one who had invited the Professor to join but not me. In any case, he was fairly attractive and flirting with me a lot too. He kept telling me how badly he wants to go down on me. He was standing there talking with me and another single girl who was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive and also the professor.

Meanwhile he starts asking me if I have seen this boyfriend and says he is a HUGE black guy that has a dick “this thick” and makes a big circle with his hand. I have no clue who he is talking about so he was trying to look up the screen name. The Professor didn’t seem to like this at all and I sense he’s not liking the idea of me hooking up with another well- endowed black guy, lol.

So I step aside and am talking to this other single woman while the guys chat. She had brought me a couple of margaritas to drink and seemed pretty nice. The Professor seemed to know her somehow but she tells me that she just signed up on the swinger site a few months ago and has only been to a couple of parties. This doesn’t register right because there was some conversation between them that made it sound like they had been at a party together and as far as I know he has only been to them with ME since July, other than once when he was a few hours away.

I am wondering and ask her when she met the Professor. She says just a couple weeks ago at the Christmas party. My heart sank down to my knees. Christmas party? He and I had talked about the Christmas party but he said he wasn’t going to go. The night of he’d claimed he was hanging out with some guy friends watching a football game. I’d been kind of upset that he didn’t want to see me but didn’t want to tell him what to do. I started to feel sick. I’m looking at this woman and trying to be nice and have a conversation but I could hardly hold it up.

She stepped aside to talk to someone else and I turned to the Professor. “I didn’t know you went to the Christmas party”. “What Christmas party?” he retorted and I looked at him dead in the eye and replied “the one where she said she met you, just a couple of weeks ago”. He started making excuses and saying “oh, I just stopped by there for a little bit” and “I just needed some time alone to socialize”. You don’t go to a SWINGER party just to socialize, dipshit. I am not an idiot. Ugh.

He kept saying stuff like how he didn’t play with anyone and it was just because he needs some time to himself sometimes and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I didn’t even respond to all this bullshit. The point isn’t his reasoning, but that he LIED to me and that he is sneaking around doing stuff like going to swinger’s parties without telling me, when HE is the one who wanted an OPEN relationship where we were supposed to TELL each other everything. All I could think while he was talking is “this fool is trying to manipulate me”. None of it registered as anything worthwhile to talk about.

He had pulled me aside from the party and kept trying to get me to “talk”. I told him I am not interested in talking and he asked me if I wanted him to take me home. I said I don’t care. You can take me home or we can go back and party. At this point all you have really shown me is that you are no different than any other guy out there. He kept pulling me back and not letting me return to the party and it was really starting to grate on me. I felt numb and didn’t want to discuss things any further.

So we headed back into the party. Lots of people were talking to us and a whole bevy of men were trying to flirt with me, none of whom I was really that attracted to but I was being friendly. So was the Professor, but not near as much as usual. Mr. Burt Reynolds look alike came up and was rubbing his hard on against me and sliding his hands around my waist and slid them up to my boobs. The Professor, who was a few feet away talking to another guy, told him to stop and that was carrying things too far. So he drops his hands down and whispers that the Professor thinks he is being too aggressive with me and is that ok? I said I don’t care but he went back to just staring and complimenting.

The Other Black Guy showed up and he was indeed, quite huge, lol. This guy is 6 foot 6 and built like a linebacker. He was very dark skinned and had an accent that was obviously not American. He seemed kinda shy but took an immediate liking to me and kept giving me the eye. He was cute, though not necessarily my “type”. He and the girl he was with pulled me aside later and asked if the Professor and I would like to go up to their room with them. At that time another whole group of people, including the Burt Reynolds guy had also invited us back to their bedroom. Another guy and his wife were trying as well.

There were all these people trying to get us to sleep with them so the Professor pulled me aside and asked what I wanted to do. I said I didn’t care, I’d do whatever. He didn’t like my answer and said that’s not true that I am normally picky and he doesn’t believe that. I said, well, not tonight. Tonight I do not care which people we sleep with. I was feeling numb. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck. He wasn’t accepting my answer and complained that I hadn’t kissed him all night long. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really feel like kissing him after finding out he’s been dishonest with me.

He kept insisting I talk with him and was getting resentful of people’s interruptions of our conversation so he took me up near the main desk of the hotel and we sat on the couch. I said, okay let’s just go to the room where there are gonna be a bunch of people and see what happens. He was like “you know you can’t go in there without every guy there trying to fuck you right?” I said that’s okay, I don’t care. He said yes you do and I was like NO I don’t. Isn’t this what you want? For me to go along with whatever? He said he didn’t like it because I normally don’t act like that and I still hadn’t kissed him.

So finally we go back down and by that time (because he had kept me up there so long) half the people were gone. So we go out on the balcony and ask some people where the rooms are. Mr. Burt Reynolds is out there and comes up and holds my hands and starts to drag me away. He pulls me over near his wife who is acting grouchy and smoking a cigarette and tells us we don’t need to be standing there watching her smoke and to go back inside.

He takes me back over to the Professor, who is waiting kind of impatiently and takes me with him back to the hotel rooms. We walk into the room (227) where people are supposed to be. A woman is lying on the bed and her husband is fucking her. No one else is there. He gets up and I can see he’s got some sort of cock ring on. She asks for a drink and then I realize she is tied to the bed.

Now this is the fairly good looking guy who I had seen fucking his wife on a mattress at the last party and she had asked the Professor to join in but he declined. He’s the one who has been asking to go down on me. He starts making comments to that effect and asking me to come sit on the bed. The Professor tells him not to push me. He says he wasn’t meaning it that way and the Professor tells him he doesn’t like to push women into anything. Meanwhile he’s holding onto me with his arms around my waist and his hands interlocked with mine, so I couldn’t go sit on the bed if I wanted to. He’s telling them I am shy but I think it’s really him who wants me to himself. He had told me earlier that this guy was bi and I think it was meant to deter me from wanting to sleep with him. I had said I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as he’s wearing a condom.

At this point the wife has moved to the other bed and pulled a dress over her head but has no panties on, everything showing and a boob hanging out. She’s a little on the heavy side and the Professor had told me before she was a little bigger than what he likes in bed. She’s texting on her phone and playing around. She tells me I should fuck her husband and let him go down on me, that he’s really good at it. He comes and whispers in my ear that he will be really disappointed if he doesn’t get the chance.

In comes another woman and a couple of men. This woman had just been fucking a couple earlier that her husband told us he wasn’t interested in. He said they were mad at him for not joining in but he just wasn’t attracted to them. He also says that Mr. Burt Reynolds and his wife are fighting. I hope it has nothing to do with me.

So his wife gets on the bed and starts sucking the guy with a cock ring’s dick. He also has a couple of piercings on the head of his penis. People are discussing that and she is saying how she likes to say hello by sucking someone’s dick. The texting wife is talking about how sometimes her husband lasts for hours when he fucks people. She asks the other guys who they are and they claim they just walked in off the street and we are all laughing until they admit that was a joke and they are from the swinger site as well.

In walks the huge black man and his girlfriend. They come over and stand near us and he keeps looking over at me. The texting wife and the husband of the woman who is now on the bed fucking her husband get into a mock argument and then she starts sucking his dick. He made a comment about how that finally shut her up and she pulls back and tells him if he keeps talking like that his dick is gonna just be hanging there. They argue for a bit more and she starts sucking him again.

The Professor still has a pretty tight grip on me. The wife who had been texting but is now sucking a guys dick pulls away and yells that anyone whose dick or pussy is not out needs to get the hell out of her room. So the other woman (they work together and she is actually her boss) gets on the bed and is sucking another random guy off. The big black man is taking pictures with his cell phone but he stays clothed. I’m not liking the pushy vibe and don’t want to have sex with most of the men in the room though there are two “maybe’s” (the good looking husband of the first woman and the tall black man). The Professor takes me out of the room and says he thinks that woman is too bitchy.

We decide it’s time to leave the party and on the way out there is a group of people that we stop and talk to. One of them is the woman who doesn’t like me. She is kind of aggressively flirting with the Professor and standing by him and touching but he is holding onto my hands. We chat for a bit and then head out.

On the way home we talked a little about the party before I finally bring up the Christmas party thing again. He says everyone makes mistakes and keeps making excuses for his behavior and how he didn’t want to hurt me. I look out the window trying to blink away tears and don’t talk much at all. When we get closer I ask him to drop me off at my house and he reminds me that my vehicle is at his place. So when we arrive I get my stuff and get in and he is standing in the door asking me if I am just going to leave and I say yes. He looks like he wants to cry but I just head home, where I completely break down in tears before getting up to get ready for bed.

The next morning he texted and asked why I would stay at the party if I didn’t want to spend time with him. I didn’t answer. I set to writing this blog and he showed up at my door and knocked but I ignored him. He texted again saying he thought I was being unfair not letting him even talk to me. I explained that I didn’t want to talk because he hurt me and I can’t have an “open” relationship with someone who is gonna be dishonest. He said I actually seemed like I wanted to touch him again at the end of the party and then he felt like I got mad again and I explained that I was just numb and trying to gloss over my feelings until I could make it home to cry. He asks again for me to talk to him and to come by his house and I say I can’t because I am in my pj’s.

He says if I don’t come by then he will know that I never want to see him again. I text “well, I don’t so I’ll just tell you that flat out. I’ve lost trust in you and it will never work that way. The End.” He said “wow, so youre going to break up over text messaging, really?” and I said “break up what? According to you we were just fwb anyway”.

Finally he comes by my house again. I let him in and he talked to me and said basically all the same stuff. Excuses and justifications. I told him repeatedly there is no way I can have an open relationship without trust and this makes me question everything he tells me now and that just isn’t gonna work out. He still hasn’t given an actual APOLOGY, though he said “everyone makes mistakes” and that this let him know he needs to tell me stuff in the future (as if that hadn’t been established before). I ask if he told the married woman he was going to that party and he was like “why is that important?” which lets me know he did. That makes it even worse.

He tried to hug me a few times and wrapped his arms around me and just looked like he was about to cry and said he cares about me and that’s why he was trying to avoid hurting me. Then he walked away and said well, it’s up to you now. I let him go and didn’t say a word. Now he’s texting me again and it says “I’m gonna miss you :(”.

I don’t know. The truth is I really doubt my ability to trust him now. He let me down. He’s not the honest, truthful guy I thought I’d met and who would be open and real with me. I have feelings for him, am falling in love even, but I know without trust we can’t have anything, especially a swinging, poly type relationship because that takes a huge EXTRA amount of trust in a person. Yes I craved his touch when he was here and wanted to make up but I just don’t know if I can. Every time I start to think of him sexually my mind just stops and I feel pain instead of being turned on. Maybe we will make up eventually, but how can it ever be the same? I have no idea now if he’s been lying to me about other things, like how often he sees this married woman or anything else. It’s all the deception I thought could be avoided by being “open”. I’m crushed. 😦

Guilty as charged…

badgirl

So I’m feeling a little bit sneaky and dishonest today. I had sex with my fuck buddy and have no intention of telling the Professor about it. Normally we tell each other when we are going to sleep with another person. I just felt like today would be a bad day to share that information and it seemed so….. unnecessary.

See, the Professor already knows I fuck this guy from time to time. He is accepting of it, if not thrilled, lol. He says it is hard but he doesn’t begrudge me the opportunity to do so. He knows and agrees that if one of us doesn’t fuck other people it would be a lot more difficult to have the open relationship we both want and neither of us is ready to be tied down.

The Professor says when he knows I am fucking someone else it is hard for him, even though he is aware that it is his own issue to deal with. It even bugs him when I am not emotionally attached, like he knows is the case with Fuck Buddy. Afterwards he often doesn’t want to talk to me for a bit and won’t sleep with me on the same day that I’ve been with another guy (except in a group situation where he is included). It’s a little different from how I handle things, but I do understand. Poly relationships have their own challenges.

Normally he asks me to let him know before I have sex with another guy. He likes to be told when I am meeting up with the person and when I leave. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to try and text or call during that time and not get a response and have to wonder if I am fucking the other guy at that very instant. So I let him know and he theoretically does the same thing for me. I’m a little different in that I WANT to be contacted now and again if he is spending an entire weekend or something with someone (which is often the case for him and only occasionally do I have overnights with anyone else). Not hearing from him in those instances makes me feel abandoned and I want some reassurance that he is still thinking about me from time to time and not leaving me for the other person. I guess that is just my thing. I’d rather that than be ignored.

Anyhow today was a little different situation. The Professor was leaving to drive out of town and will be gone until after the holidays. 30 minutes after he headed out, my fuck buddy arrived at my house. I just didn’t think it would make him feel very good to think that the minute he leaves I’m jumping on another cock. Not that it actually has anything to do with him personally. Also, knowing he would be on a drive, with a college student he is giving a ride to, I knew there would be no reason for him to contact me. So it just seemed like it would be rubbing something in his face that I didn’t need to.

Still, I feel a little guilty. Like, I’m kinda breaking our contract. I don’t know. I never actually lied about it but it still feels like a bit of a lie, if a white one. :/

Also, I was a bit confused by the Professor’s behavior last night. I was leaving my kids with their dad and thought we would probably see each other, but I made no specific effort to make plans with him because I wanted to leave that decision to him after our last argument and see if he would invite me over on his own, without it being my suggestion. I’m usually the one that asks if he wants to see me, because I have limited free time and he is more flexible and it generally works out best that way, for both of us. So I let him know I was dropping the kids off and he asked what I was doing and I simply said I wasn’t sure.

Instead of inviting me over, like I’d hoped, he decided to go to a married friend’s house (people from work, not that he is sleeping with) for dinner. He was rather curious about what I was up to but never made an effort to get together and I was internally kind of pissed, but kept my mouth shut. Instead I took some time to myself and was vague about what I was doing towards the Professor.

Later that night we were texting and I mentioned that my furnace had stopped working and there was cold air blowing out of the vents. He offered to come over and take a look at it for me. Turned out he was able to fix it (yay) after two hours of work and he also bought new filters for me and replaced them. What a sweetheart! 🙂

I felt kinda bad for the way I’d been feeling towards him earlier in the evening, even though I had kept it to myself. Also, my just turned 3 year old daughter was the only one awake in the house when he came by and she was tired and cranky and wouldn’t go to sleep because of the excitement and took to screaming and being inconsolable no matter what I did. He stopped working and asked her if she’d let him hold her and walked around singing to her and got her to calm down. It was really sweet and cute because she was trying to sing along. Awww… This guy is NOT doing a good job of helping me not have feelings for him, I’ll tell you that!

So anyway, he fixed everything and gave me my Christmas present and left at like 2 am but no sex, just hugs and a peck on the cheek. Wah! 😦 He had to leave on a long drive early in the morning.

So when Mr. Fuck Buddy let me know he was in town, I was definitely in the mood. I mean, otherwise it might mean no sex for the rest of the holidays, lol. He was great in bed too and we had a fantastic time!

When I say he is a “fuck buddy” I mean that in the truest sense of the word, lol. No emotional thing going on with us WHATSOEVER. He had a birthday the other day and I didn’t even know and had to say Happy Birthday long after the fact. I also just found out today that he’d been married before. What?? LOL

So the minute he shows up at my door he’s pushing me back towards the bedroom and starts taking off his clothes. So I start removing mine and it was apparently not fast enough because he was ripping the rest of them off before I could finish, lol. Like he was unbuckling my bra from the back while I was still attempting to slide off my pants. A very hot sexual encounter ensued. He was being extra dominant and part of the time had me pinned face down on the bed while his hand was rubbing my clit and he was laying across my back fucking me hard and deep and slapping my ass hard enough to leave red marks. I actually squirted during that time and really the only times I’ve ever done that knowingly have been with him. He’s very well endowed (9 inches and super thick) so maybe that has something to do with it. Squirting itself isn’t THAT exciting to me but it was fun.

We did a few other positions too, and one that the Professor has done recently too, where we start out with me bent over the bed and him fucking me from behind and then he has me lay facedown on the edge of the bed while he climbs up behind me on his knees. That felt pretty good too. All together I came about 4 or 5 times. The whole thing lasted maybe 40 minutes from start to finish. I actually was feeling a bit worn out by the end (hey I stayed up late, got up early and he was wearing a condom which can start to chafe after a lot of vigorous pumping, lol) and so finished him off in my mouth. Yeah, I think I can handle a little guilt today. 😉

Confessions of a cheater

I never dreamed I would be a cheater. When I got married I planned to stay that way, for life. I was more worried that HE might be tempted to cheat than myself. After all, I “would never do that”. Plus I was marrying a man who was going into ministry, we were at church three times a week, both of us were Sunday school teachers, we were making a solid commitment to each other and it just wasn’t even an option. I looked down on people who cheated actually. Ouch. Sometimes life has a way of humbling us.

Prior to meeting the man who would become my husband I was actually pretty wild sexually. I had cheated a couple of times in my life already, but I thought I was beyond that now. Now that I’d become a Christian, now that I was older (well I was barely 21 when we married but I felt mature), now that I’d stopped drinking and smoking pot and running around with the wrong crowd, now I was ready to be serious, and that meant keeping my promises.

My ex- husband was never jealous. He never seemed concerned that I would be less than exemplary or consider cheating, which is really kind of amazing considering my background. I was actually a bit perturbed at his lack of jealousy, but because of my own determination I avoided anything that remotely gave the impression to any other men I might be interested. I barely even looked men in the eye when speaking to them, because I didn’t want them to get the wrong idea. I kept everything very platonic and avoided situations where I might be alone with another man.

I was actually the jealous one. I struggled with fears that he would see another woman and be tempted to cheat, exacerbated by his seeming lack of interest in me sexually. I’d also dated a guy in the past that cheated every chance he could get and who, the minute I’d turn my back would be hitting on my friends or getting the phone number of another woman. He’d actually gotten someone else pregnant while we were together, which caused us to finally breakup. He wasn’t the only one. I’d had no less than THREE previous boyfriends get someone pregnant while we were together. Nice. I’m not sure there is any worse way to end a relationship.

Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure EVERY guy I’d ever dated even somewhat seriously had cheated on me. Every. Single. One. Not a good track record at all. No wonder I couldn’t trust men very well. I’d also slept with guys who had girlfriends on more than one occasion. I’d watched one guy after another cheating on whoever they were with, whether it was with me or my girlfriends, and I never said a word. It had become “normal” in my life and expected. Granted I was running around with some very deviant folks, but nevertheless that was my reality. Once I’d even slept with an older man who I later found out was married. Oops. On my part though, I’d had no idea. Even then I took marriage more seriously.

So anyway, I went into my marriage with the expectation of it lasting forever, and high hopes that he would be the one guy who’d never cheat. I never dreamed that I’d be the one to break those vows. For the first 10 years of my marriage, despite the lack of sexual interaction and feeling rejected by my husband, I was faithful to a fault. My behavior was beyond reproach regarding the opposite sex. I didn’t even allow myself to flirt with other men. Then it all changed.

It was on Myspace that I came across the man who I later came to call The Love of My Life. He was an old friend from my teenage years, someone I had a little bit of a bond to, but back then we’d never been in love. We’d had sex a couple of times but for the most part we were friends. It was a friendship with sexual overtones but we were both so busy having sex with whoever back then that I don’t think it really mattered that we weren’t doing it very often with each other. I’d come to consider him more of a friend than a lover, though I can remember the summer before I left for college, his girlfriend befriending me out of probable fear that I would sleep with him. I’m sure it may have seemed that way but I respected their relationship and because she was nice to me didn’t allow it to go there during that time.

The first time we’d had sex was actually the first time I’d ever cheated on someone in my life. I was 15 years old and had a boyfriend of questionable morals. He’d actually come up with a hickey on his neck the day before but I gave his bullshit story the benefit of the doubt and was still attempting to be faithful.

A couple of boys I knew had picked me up in the middle of a rainstorm and taken me to their house where there were lots of guys and only a few females hanging out. It wasn’t really a party, but sort of. Even though I’d be staying the night I had no intention of sexual activity. Several of the guys tried to coerce me to no avail. “No, I have a boyfriend, I’m not cheating on him” was the refrain. Other people were having sex in different rooms, but not me.

Finally, the one who would later become the Love of My Life came over to me. He sat there and tried to convince me I should have sex with him for like FOUR HOURS. I looked into those beautiful brown eyes and told him no, over and over and over, but he was persistent. His charming ways and sensual demeanor eventually weakened my reserve. Besides, he’d always been a sweetheart to me at school and it was hard to resist.

Afterwards, I felt the need to be honest about my indiscretion, so I told the guy I was dating what had happened. He became insanely angry and picked me up by my throat, slamming me up against my garage door and nearly choking me to death. I was afraid for my life and he said “I ought to kill you”, but finally let go. I relayed this to the guy I had cheated with and my now EX boyfriend got taken care of. He was jumped at a party soon after and I avoided him from then on.

In any case the Love of My Life and I remained friends, only sleeping together a couple of times before I left for college, though I’d slept with and had relationships with some of his brothers. I’d watched him cheat on girlfriends, though he was slick about it and discreet. He’d seen me sleep around and once burst into laughter when I’d had sex with a guy on his bed and heard me joking with a girlfriend about it afterwards. As much sex as we were having, we were both the type to keep it on the down low and put on a proper front to most of the world. We both knew how to keep things secret from those who shouldn’t know. Once he’d even joined in a little mini gangbang with me and two of his brothers. Shhhhh….

Years later, I knew there was no way he was actually faithful to his wife. When he told me via email that things were “rocky” with her I knew it was a hint. Still, I wasn’t ready. I knew, deep down, that he would keep my secrets but I didn’t want to be a woman that cheated on my husband or messed up things with my family. So we messaged back and forth and got closer but it was still under the guise of “friendship”. I rationalized that this was okay, because he really was a friend from my past.

It took 8 months before we actually had sex. I was still clinging to the idea of friendship though he’d made no bones that he felt this relationship was developing into something more. He’d come on, I’d resist. It was like that first night all over again, but it took much longer.

When I was home visiting once we decided to go out for coffee. I brought my toddler with me and had every intention of keeping it “platonic”. I made him promise not to try anything on me beforehand and he agreed. The chemistry between us was electric but he held to his promise, only hugging me at the end and I’ll admit it was hard to let go.

The next time I was back home we met up again, this time at his house, in the middle of the night. He was in his pajamas and his wife was away on a business trip, his toddler was asleep on the living room floor. I’d snuck out to be with him. This had every possibility of turning into something more than friendly and we both knew it but I still didn’t want to believe I was capable of cheating on my husband. So we hung out, cuddling on the couch and eventually it turned into kisses. I couldn’t believe I was going there. He backed me up against the wall with obvious sexual intent and I panicked. I bolted out the door and called him on the phone. I couldn’t do this, it was wrong. I didn’t want to cheat and I couldn’t believe I’d let myself kiss him. I asked if he felt guilty and he said no.

He wasn’t angry with me for leaving and after that our emails got progressively more sexual. I didn’t have a cell phone back then and only had dial up so that was how we mostly communicated. He sent me a naughty video of himself and I was shocked, but liked it more than I want to admit, lol. We’d share fantasies and erotic stories with each other. By the next time we met I knew we’d be having sex. It was planned. I was fully on board with sleeping with him. Not to mention it was my 11th wedding anniversary and my husband didn’t want to do anything. As usual there was no sex. We were visiting my family and he’d gone to sleep when I snuck out of the house.

Here is a excerpt of something the Love of My Life wrote about that night:

I sat in my car in my silk pjs, waiting for her to arrive in a dark, empty, park parking lot. My heart thumped with every passing head light, in anticipation of it being her. Finally, after a few minutes… that seemed like hours, she arrived, like daybreak in a railway tunnel.

She stepped out of the van into the warm, breezy night air, wearing nothing but white, high heeled sandals, a light summer dress that ended just above the knees and a pretty smile. Yep she was all that, with a 5 foot 6 petite frame, long beautiful flowing hair and a smell so intoxicating that it instantly aroused me.

She took a few steps closer to me and wrapped her arms around me. We hugged one another body to body and the warm night air blew strands of her hair into my face. One kiss lead to another. The kisses were almost too much to handle because I could feel her body begin to tremble. Small moans left her lips and in no time I was running my tongue over her neck and between her breasts. She smelled so good!

I reached my hand under her dress and found her naked underneath, just like she had promised. Nothing was there except for bare ass… her soaking wet sex waiting for me. Everything seemed to be so intense… every kiss, every touch and every breath. For me things seem to be so much more intense when I know that I am not supposed to be doing something. We were definitely not supposed to be together that night. That evening was tested… but we made it happen.

While we embraced one another and as I explored her body at will, extremely bright lights interrupted our moment of passion. That’s right, Mr. Officer showed up. To make a long story short, we left on a quest to find a more private place.

After driving to the lake and running into the same officer, we settled at another park and another parking lot on the North side of town. We exited out of our vehicles and continued where we had left off. It did not matter if there were cars driving by and house lights still on, not to mention a bright streetlight illuminating the park… we wanted one another and we wanted one another bad!

The kissing started again and I pushed her against the car, hiking her dress up. I slowly and carefully slid inside her. With each touch, my lips took a breath…. Another kiss and another breath was taken until finally she was panting, trying to catch each breath that I had taken from her. Her erratic breathing sent me over the edge. I turned her around and thrust in her from behind, loving every moment of stolen pleasure. Wow!!! What sweet, sweet memories.

That was the start of a deepening relationship between he and I that has lasted for nearly 5 years, through my divorce and through many ups and downs. We became very emotionally attached to one another and he brought excitement to my life and a feeling of closeness that I was never able to get from my ex, who barely communicated with me. It took a long time before I confessed about the lack of sex and things going on in my marriage. He was there for me when I went through my divorce and without his support it would have been much more difficult.

I didn’t get caught or leave because of my affair. My marriage ended when my ex fell in love with another woman and decided his obsession with her was more important than our marriage. Strangely enough, he never had sex with her. Maybe it was just an excuse but he was willing to divorce over it whilst I had felt it necessary to hold things together for the sake of our children. I was actually relieved.

At the end my ex had said he could only be attracted to me if I would do things like sleep with other men and let him watch or know about it. If only he knew, but I never told. I never trusted him enough to open up that part of my life. I suspected he might turn it against me. He wanted me to have sex with others so he could view me as a “whore” instead of a “Madonna” and that would get him off. I wasn’t willing to share someone special with him or allow myself to be degraded.

So I held on to my secret and I’m glad I did. Still, I would rather not make commitments I can’t keep regarding fidelity and hence the lifestyle I live now, which is more open. I no longer judge cheaters though, because I understand where they are coming from. I’m learning that lesson over and over again “never say never” and you don’t truly know what you will do in a given situation until you’ve been there yourself.