Well, if I was sinking low before, now I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom. The only way from here is up, right? Please say yes.
The past couple of days have been an emotional nightmare. First, the married man got me all excited about a meeting with him and then let me down. Following that, I discovered, last night, that the Professor has for sure been fucking someone new and they are all excited about each other.
I shouldn’t have looked at his profile. I’ve resisted the temptation for the better part of the past 5 weeks, but took a peek once or twice before. Last night, I saw that he’d received a new validation and he happened to be offline so I went to take a look (disabling the feature that would let him see I’d been there). Sure enough, a woman that says she has known him awhile, just now got to know him “much better” and that he is quite the “lady pleaser”. She wrote that like a week ago.
I wanted to throw up, or maybe kill myself. I’m not even joking, but I wouldn’t do it because I love my kids. You don’t have to worry about Lovergirl offing herself but the feeling was definitely there, the thoughts. My heart sunk to my knees. I went to look at her profile and his comments about her and he called her “hot”, which he hadn’t said about me on mine (though he did about the married lady). All he said about me was that I am not as shy as I appear, which again feels like an underhanded insult. I’m not really shy but I’m very sensitive to people’s perceptions and his making me feel that way at swinger parties inhibited me from acting like myself.
This woman is married too, and tiny, like under 100 lbs and very short. So was the married lady. He would refer to me as “tall” though I’m only 5’6” and now that really feels like an insult, like I’m some kind of a giant. Not only is she smaller and skinnier but she’s 6 years younger than me, blonde, married and lives nearby. It’s definitely the nail in the coffin. I could never get naked in front of him again after seeing all that and his use of exclamation points when referring to her as “hot!!!” Makes me feel like he must have never been that attracted to me or my body. I’m wishing now that I’d never given him that video of me masturbating for his birthday or let him videotape us during sex. I feel so old and ugly and fat.
In any case, at least I know now that there is absolutely no hope of reconciliation. It’s pretty obvious I never meant shit to him. It hurts like hell and from now on I need to proceed as though he were dead to me. Dead. I almost wish he were. It might be easier than facing this kind of rejection.
Wanna hear what happened with the married man? He contacted me earlier in the week saying his wife was going to be out of town and he wanted to get together. Awesome, right? We are talking about the best sex of my life here!! He’d mentioned that the week before when I was in town too, saying it would be easier for him then because she’d be gone.
Okay, so I was willing to make accommodations and try to get up that way again, for him. I worked things out so that I could head up there Friday night. He had offered to help with gas. My ex was going to take the kids. It all seemed great.
Earlier in the day Friday, he texts and asks if I’m up for a threesome. I asked with who and he didn’t have a picture but described his “friend” as a slim, 21 yr old, dark skinned, girl with a round butt” and said she was into females. I said okay, thinking, if I am going to have a FMF threesome he’d definitely be the person to do that with. He’s excellent in the sack and I know no one would leave disappointed.
Well, all seemed well but then he didn’t text for several hours and before I was getting ready to take my kids to their dad’s I texted to make sure we were still on. He didn’t answer for a long time and I said I need to know for sure before dropping off my kids. Then he texts and says sorry he was working but did I still need money for gas?
I said yes and he asked if it was okay to do half and I said yes, anything would help, even though he acts normally like he has plenty of money. He’s the same guy that was offering me $3,000 a month to have his baby. I’m thinking this is weird, but okay. I asked if the other girl was still coming and he said no it would just be me and him. Not a big deal. Then he wanted to know if I was staying the night and I said I could if he wanted me to. He was like “give me 10 min and I will call you”.
Then……NOTHING. I was sitting here waiting to either take my kids or not, because if I took them and he cancelled that would leave me with no time to schedule with anyone new, and no free time other than that all weekend. If I was going to see him, I’d have to get going pretty soon, since it is a long drive.
I waited about 30 min and then texted and said sorry I don’t mean to be pushy or anything but I need to know soon because of the situation with my kids or it could potentially ruin my entire weekend. Nothing, no answer. Thirty minutes later I texted him again “???” Still nothing. Finally I was like, “fucked up, wow” and cancelled with my kids dad.
About an hour and a half later I was working out at the gym and get a text from the married man claiming “I am sorry, I left my phone in the car and thought I had it with me”. Please!! Give me a fucking break!! Does he think I’m retarded?? WTF? I ignored his text and 30 minutes later he sent me another one “I take it I f’ed up”. Yeah, dude, you fucked up. I’m not even sure your sexual prowess is going to make up for that one this time.
It’s NOT the first time he’s done something like that either. It’s like the 3rd, or maybe 4th. The other times I let slide because I figured it had something to do with him being married, plus he’s so freaking good in bed! But now his wife was out of town and that was just downright disrespectful.
My best guess is that he had a bunch of options for who he was going to sleep with and someone closer or maybe that he liked better followed through so he had no need of meeting me or paying for my gas or any of the extra that would entail since I live farther away. Still, the very least he could have done was let me know SOONER THAN THAT and not leave me hanging. Being left hanging makes me so anxious and stressed. It’s so FUCKING RUDE. So at this point, yeah, I may even be done with HIM forever.
My vibrator is starting to look like a way better option than sex right now. Dealing with men’s bullshit is just getting beyond what I can bear. I feel like becoming a nun. A nun with a vibrator, lol. I’m not willing to give THAT up. At least I can still get off, even if I end up with a houseful of cats.
Anyway, I’m feeling like crap but I didn’t want to mope, so after all that and most especially after reading the stuff about the Prof, I decided what the hell I will throw out a Craigslist ad. I have looked on the swinger site and actually had three different guys who wanted to meet with me this weekend from there but I had avoided responding because of the married man and plans with him. So I guess in a way I did something similar to what he did to me, only I didn’t leave them hanging at the last minute, which is important. VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT, sheesh!
SO my Craigslist ad, yielded quite a few results. I put in there that I wanted a man who knows his way around the bedroom and a woman’s body. One of my first responders was a super- hot, black Puerto Rican (that’s what he calls himself, he looks kinda mixed) man who just moved here (he is military) from Alaska. He’s 38 and seems really nice and cool so far and we have a date planned for tonight. I like that he wants to take me out for a meal first even after my NSA sex ad. Good deal and a sign that he’s maybe not a total asshole and is a gentleman. Hoping he’s also good in bed!! Wish me luck!!
After agreeing to that I have gotten a couple other men that actually interested me who also responded. Lots of emails of course and my ad was flagged, but it took longer than usual. Anyhow, one of the guys sounds promising and is trying to convince me to drop my date tonight but I don’t want to disrespect Mr. Hot Puerto Rican so I told him maybe another night.
So maybe this little blitz will yield some new fun results. I did find my fuck buddy off Craigslist after all and he’s pretty much my saving grace at the moment, the only guy that is keeping me from becoming a total man hater. He’s cool as a cucumber and the sex is great and he’s never disrespectful or hurtful, even though we aren’t emotionally connected. Makes it seem like men in general just suck in the feelings/love/relationship department, but what else is new? 😛 Maybe I do too. 😦