Tag Archive | polyamory

It’s raining men! :D

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Wow, so much going on lately it is getting hard to keep up with my blog! Nevertheless, I am determined to keep you all up to date. Life in Lovergirl Land has been pretty interesting.

I’ll start with my latest adventures with the Cohort. He has been a lot of fun to hang out with. This guy keeps me laughing and laughing when I am with him. Last night we went out to a couple of vanilla bars together with some of his non-lifestyle friends and had a great time, as well as a night full of good sex and conversation.

He’s very emotionally honest and tells me what he is thinking and feeling. I’m really liking that a lot. It was especially helpful when we went to our first swinger party together.

I was on my period and we decided beforehand that the most I would do, would be give blowjobs, to him or anyone else. The party was small, only about 30 people, and I didn’t end up playing with anyone other than him, but it wasn’t because of him trying to hold me back. He says he is going to try to make a point not to do that, even though sometimes he wonders how it would make him feel to watch me have sex with someone else.

At the party, there was a woman that he sometimes plays with, who is married. They started out playing with her husband around, but she has snuck over to his place to play over her lunch break and that makes him feel a little guilty. She sucked his dick at the party, as did I, but it wasn’t to completion. No one has ever made him cum with a blow job anyhow, but he says that knowing I was there and unable to play, made him feel a little awkward too.

It honestly didn’t bother ME at all and I don’t think would have if he fucked her there. Of course he had no way of knowing that for sure, but I was okay. I felt bad that I was on my period and unable to fuck him there that night, so may have even liked to see him be able to get off.

The only thing that irked me that night, was the Host. He was at the party, with another woman, and never even bothered to say hi. I only saw her from across the room, but she didn’t look all that cute or anything. He later claimed I had my back turned and he thought I was ignoring HIM. I’m not really buying that, but whatever.

Its hard to say what his actual reasons were. I guess it could have been anything, from jealousy over the Cohort, to just being an asshole. He has since texted me, and I didn’t even respond. I don’t hate him or anything but wonder if I should drop him off my list of current men.

It’s just offensive that he didn’t say hi. It’s not like the two of us don’t know each other, and I don’t think he’s embarrassed of me. I mean he had me helping him host his parties! Now I hear the Redhead is doing that instead. She’s also been super buddy-buddy with the old guy and his wife that I wasn’t wanting to fuck. Good for her, I’m just not attracted.

He still wants to fuck me, and hits me up over text, but I’m not trying to be fuck buddies with someone who doesn’t give me basic acknowledgement in public. It would be different if he were married or something, but he’s not. I don’t know. It’s still up in the air because I do like the sex and he is conveniently close, but I don’t want to have to stoop down low to do it.

Speaking of the Redhead, she told me a crazy story. This guy, who had been texting me for a little bit, and with whom she used to have a couples profile with, made threats to her, and she had to get a restraining order against him and have him thrown in jail for a short time. He’s the one that was sending me countless needy texts, that I had to ask to quit bothering me. Yay, for my stalker sense going into high gear, and Mr. Firm advising me to drop him like a hot potato! 😉

Okay, now speaking of THIS guy (the Psycho Stalker), the Pilot and I met with HIS brother, and his brother’s wife the other day. We were thinking couple swap, but the Pilot said he didn’t want to have any expectations.

They are a cute couple, in their mid twenties, good looking and we had a good time, but nobody got naked. Well, that’s not entirely true. The Pilot and I fucked in the bathroom of their apartment and then again in the parking lot, but they didn’t join in the fun.

We spent our time playing parlour games, drinking and chatting, and once the guy offered me a molly. I declined…I’ve never done those and don’t want to. Now that I’m a mom I pretty much avoid doing any drugs and stick to a few glasses of alcohol. I’m not judging those that do and back in the day I smoked my share of pot, plus tried a few other things, just now I don’t mess with it.

After we left the guy was texting “why did you two leave, my wife and I wanted to play with you guys”. :p I wasn’t really that surprised, but it was annoying that no one made the first move. It IS kind of awkward when there are two couples, because then who is supposed to do it? If one of the men starts going after the female half of the other couple, it runs a risk of someone getting upset. So I do kind of understand. Yet, neither she nor I, is the type to get aggressive with a guy and start things off.

The Pilot was kissing on ME, pulling me onto his lap and obviously showing interest in SOMETHING going on (plus they had to know we were fucking in the bathroom) but the other guy and his wife weren’t touching each other. So that made it less likely too. Like if they had been making out as well, maybe somehow we could have gotten things going.

Mr. Firm says in those types of scenarios, he just starts getting naked, lol. He’s so awesome. 🙂 I saw him the other day too and WOW!!!! THE SEX, OMFG, it is BEYOND amazing!! I don’t even know how it’s possible, but it seemed even better than before!!

He’s at that scary level, like the kind that Alexyss Tylor warns about in her Penis Power videos, that I talked about before. I’d better watch out! LOL 😉 That man could have me acting all kinds of a fool, if he wanted to.

Even one time, during the sex, he had me bent over on my hands and knees, and was making me cum from fucking me doggystyle, as well as with his hand rubbing on my clit. I was so overloaded with pleasure, I was about to tap out, and he kinda laughed and said “you don’t even know what to do, do you?” Yeeahhh…. He knows!! 😉

Thankfully, he seems to be a man that can be trusted with all that power. I’m so impressed with him as a person and with how he treats me, and responds to me. I haven’t got a single negative thing to say. If I’m going to lose control with anyone, I want it to be him. 😉

Now for the Poly guy. The plot thickens. I swear he has got to be married!

He had me meet him the other day, at lunch time, so he could give me one of his employee gas cards to drive my kids to their dads house. Guess where we met? At the girlfriends place again. Only this time she wasn’t there.

I asked him about it and he said he owns 5 rental houses. She lives in one of them and he stays there “some of the time”. He said he likes his privacy so he doesn’t always.

One seemingly random thing that stands out to me about some of these men is that they all seem to have rental houses! Mr. Firm, the Pilot, the Married Man and Mr. Poly, all have rental properties. Guys that have rental properties are probably fucking like crazy. Now I have to wonder if they are all fucking IN the rental homes…. 😉

In her house he has a playroom. Its an extra bedroom with its own lock and key (the house has 5 bedrooms). According to him they are planning on putting in cameras, so she can watch him fuck women from the other room, if she wants to, and also record if the people agree to it. They have toys and restraints and stuff in there too, he said, though I didn’t see any of it.

He said that other women have to “earn” the right to be in her bedroom with them, like I was the other night, but that he knew she liked me, so he brought me in. Uhhh..if you say so, but seriously, don’t I just feel soooo special “earning” the special right to play in their bedroom? Pssshhh…

While she is gone he has agreed only to fuck women in the playroom. They have all these “rules” and honestly to me, it is an annoyance. Maybe if he wasn’t flat out telling me, but it doesn’t make me feel all that great. Its almost like “know your place, you are just a secondary” and that is kind of offensive.

Oh, and he keeps planning these big nights out over the weekend, then cancels. Married man kind of flakiness, I’m telling you. That and he often doesn’t answer a text in the evenings but he’s hounding me during the day and spending money on me. Hmmmmm….

In any case, it left me free to have a fun night with the Cohort, followed by breakfast at the IHOP in the morning. We stayed up all night long and barely got any sleep. Good times, and he was killing me pointing out the folks who looked like they were doing the walk of shame there, haha.

Thank God I was able to get a shower in the morning. I’m exhausted though and supposed to meet with the guy who took me out to the art walk a few weeks ago. He is grilling steaks for us this afternoon. Ta- ta for now!

Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

Redefining love

If you are looking for good advice on how to be good in bed, as a woman, where do you go? As far as we seem to have come from Victorian “lie back and think of England” days, there really isn’t a lot out there that gives GOOD advice to women regarding what to do in the sack. I mean, we have Cosmo et al, but… well, try at your own risk.

I love this article by the way Cosmo’s Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. Really sheds some light on the ridiculousness of some of the “advice” out there given to women on how to improve their sex lives. Dip your boobs in edible body paint and make a masterpiece all over his body? Feed each other ice cream in the dark and lick it up? Give him a beer facial? Unless you have an extremely patient and forgiving significant other, please ladies, don’t try these at home!!

Here’s a truly embarrassing admission. Back in the day I actually read and TRIED a couple of sex tips I found in magazines like these, because, well, reading all that stuff made me feel like if I wasn’t doing weird shit in bed that guys would think I was BORING. Bad, bad idea. LOL Food and sex don’t mix well. Really, they don’t. Not to mention I nearly threw up once trying to give a guy a blow job with some sort of strawberry flavored lube. Yuck!! I want to taste his dick, not his dick covered with flavored lube. It’s gross, seriously.

Now ice cubes? Okay, maybe I’ll bend on that one. I once had a guy ask me to give him a blow job with ice cubes in my mouth because someone had done it to him at a massage parlor. He played college basketball and the coach took them there after they won a game (totally shady shit, I know, I know but clearly no one was complaining- makes you wonder!!). He seemed to like that a lot. 😉

Anyway, the advice in most of those magazines sucks! They always want you to be some kind of a dominatrix, taking control and doing things to him too. I don’t doubt that sometimes men like that but I’m not convinced it’s necessary, despite all the “real men” they quote saying otherwise.

Plus, it’s just NOT ME. I hate being the one to control things in bed. It turns me off and puts too much pressure on me to perform, to the point where I can’t orgasm or really EXPERIENCE the sex the way I want to. I’ve come to the realization that I just am very submissive in bed and it’s really OKAY to be that way. Some men even PREFER it and those are the ones I want to spend my time with. Sorry Cosmo, as far as your editors are concerned I suck in the sack, so I guess I won’t be fucking them, but the men I come across seem to enjoy me just fine.

I’m more than happy to do all kinds of things in the bedroom, and honestly pretty much anything he wants if I like him enough, but I don’t need to be mixing up all sorts of crazy shit to make him happy. Whip cream and chocolate sauce are better on ice cream than on each other’s genitals, which taste just fine on their own. Peanut butter, mangoes and tomato sauce? Oh Hell no! His bedroom is not a fucking restaurant! LOL

By the way, I think we can at least give Cosmo a little nod for helping me get married to my ex husband. I’m pretty sure I tried a few of their “tricks” on him in the beginning (hey, I WAS only 18 when we started dating, lol) and he seemed to enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe that’s part of why he mistook me for the dominatrix I am not. :/ I was playing a role to turn HIM on that wasn’t exciting to ME. Maybe I can thank them too, for the years I spent afterwards, expected to ride him into oblivion while he just lay there and got off and I didn’t. Yeah, that pretty much killed all my enthusiasm for being “on top”. :p

Anyhow, obviously it’s not all Cosmo’s fault, lol, but I do wish I’d had better advice in that regard. It’s hard for a woman to find! Even now in the days of Google, the sex advice for women isn’t much better.

Speaking of Google, there’s something else we females use it for nowadays and that’s advice about love and relationships. Men google that stuff too, don’t even try to hide it guys, lol, but women are still concerned with the age old question of “does he love me”? We may not be plucking flower petals and reciting it over and over “he loves me, he loves me not” but we still wonder and obsess over it, wanting a real answer. Only now, we do internet searches, not that it wields much better in the way of results.

Come on people, fess up. Have you ever done an internet search for something like “how to tell if he/she is falling in love with me?” I know I’m not the only one, and judging from the myriads of results, well, there are a lot of people who wonder that very thing.

The sad thing is that even with all there is out there on the web, there is very little good and true advice about how a person acts when they are IN LOVE. It’s all also hyper focused on monogamy and for the poly-tically inclined, well, you’re out of luck! Apparently you CAN’T be in love if you are even so much as LOOKING at other people and feeling attracted. The same is true if you are married and cheating on your spouse. Married men “never” can fall in love with the other woman, because well, marriage vows somehow prevent that. Sorry folks, and betrayed spouses out there, but this simply isn’t true, no matter how much you WANT it to be.

That piece of paper you sign, the wedding vows, the promises you make, the hopes you have for the future, none of that is a GUARANTEE of anything. It doesn’t lock down your spouse for life the way you want it to because we are all human beings, capable of deception, capable of getting turned on and attraction to someone else, capable of feelings and emotions that surprise us and capable of having sex with more than one person. Yes, in a lot of ways this sucks, but it is the truth.

Look it up on the internet and you’ll find all kinds of articles telling you that if a man loves you he will cease to have any interest in other females, he will automatically want to introduce you to all of his friends and family, he will buy you gifts and pledge his undying devotion, he will make a commitment to you and only you, he will drop everything going on in his life and want to spend every waking moment with you, if he “really” loves you. Otherwise, you’ve been played!

Sorry, but I don’t believe that at all. I’ve felt love for different people in my life and expressed it in different ways. I’m falling in love with the Professor but I can still have sex with other men. I don’t need to spend every moment with him because I’m at a point in my life where I like a little bit of space and so does he. We aren’t getting married and I think it’s fine and good for us to have separate interests and not even live together. I’m not jumping at the bit to introduce him to everyone I know yet (though he has met my grandmother and my kids). It’s okay, really. Love doesn’t have to fit in a little peghole that society wants to put it into.

All that said, even though he’s still interested in other women, he isn’t making a commitment to me and he isn’t dropping everything in his life to be with me and coming over during all his spare time, I don’t doubt that the Professor is feeling things for ME.

He does a lot of things for me that are clearly from the heart and what you wouldn’t do for just anyone. Like last night he came over here and brought me a new antenna for my tv that he had bought, just for me because he knew I wanted to be able to watch the NCAA tournament and couldn’t get the right channel. It was a wonderful surprise and he took the time to hook it all up and then went and stopped my toilet from running too! It had been messing up for a few days and the landlord hadn’t been able to come out. I never asked him to do those things he just offered. You’d have to be crazy to offer to fix someone’s toilet if you didn’t like them! LOL

I LOVE IT that he is so helpful and thoughtful and looks out for me. I could give a fuck less about the nonsense others think about how him wanting to continue sleeping with other people must mean he isn’t into ME. Sure there are times I have doubts but stuff like last night confirms what I already know. Emotions aren’t defined by logic. People can feel something for each other despite not acting in the way society says they should.

I felt very much the same way about the guy I had the affair with. Sure others would say oh, people in an affair never can “really” love each other or that if we did we would be wanting to get married, but that’s simply not true. Love comes in all different shades. We need to stop trying to put it in a box. Two people can have feelings for each other and it not look anything like it is “supposed to” from the outside.

I want to take a minute to give a little shout out and thanks to Kdaddy23 here for his great advice, in my blog comments, during the interview with him HERE and privately over email. He has a lot of experience and keeps reiterating to me that in order to do this I need to drop everything I ever learned about love and monogamy and RELEARN a whole new way to live. I’m seeing what he is saying, bit by bit and it’s quite eye opening! Thanks! I’m still a work in progress but it’s such an interesting road to be on. I think I’m really going to enjoy the journey. 😉

Sometimes sharing sucks!

sharing

Sharing someone you have feelings for is scary. It’s HARD knowing that person you care so much about is naked in bed with another person, maybe right now. It’s one thing to SAY you are theoretically “okay” with it and quite another to follow through with the experience of waiting while you know the person you’ve got it bad for is fucking another person and you have no idea or control over what is going on. Your imagination can run at full speed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for this.

I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about having a polyamorous orientation and acting as though some people just ARE and some aren’t. I’m really not so sure. If that’s the case, I don’t think I would qualify. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with different people, I do, but because when I develop feelings for someone my very natural inclination is to be exclusive with them, especially emotionally.

In order for me to swing or have sex with someone else when I’m deep in the throes of emotions with someone is honestly kind of difficult. So why do I do it?

For me, right now, (and this is always subject to change) I push myself to continue with other men because I can see the consequences ahead if I DON’T. I guess you can say I’m taking a logical approach to it all, even though this isn’t a brand of logic everyone would understand! I may appear to an outsider to be jumping on every cock I can because I’m out of control insanely horny and while there is some truth to the being horny part (lol) it’s a lot more calculated than it appears.

I look at it like this. I am falling in love with the Professor. I see it, I feel it, I know it’s coming, though I’m not at the point where I flat out tell him that yet, and I suspect he feels the same way about me. I know though, that “in love” is a temporary feeling. I know it doesn’t last forever, really for much of anyone. I’m not arguing that you can’t love a person forever. I’ll love my kids and my siblings forever, but that “in love” romantic feeling is fleeting.

I adore the Professor. I like him more and more all the time and feel increasingly affectionate towards him. Right now a big part of me wants him ALL TO MYSELF. Especially, when I’m lying there in bed with him or sharing incredible one on one sex. I also just really like him as a person. He’s wonderful. He listens to me and is supportive and sweet and kindhearted. Like anyone else, he’s not perfect but I can respect him and love spending time with him. He treats me well, probably better than any guy ever has in my life and I love that. Did I mention he’s GREAT in bed??

However, there are a couple of things here. We STARTED this relationship as swingers. Well, we met on a swinger site and the second night we spent together was fucking a bunch of other people. When I met him I already had a few guys in my life that I’m not totally willing to let go. I’m not currently “in love” with any of them but there are reasons I might not want to completely shut them out, especially the married man and the guy I had the affair with.

Some of those reasons are a bit shallow. The married man? How could I ever say no to sex like that? I just CAN’T. If you’ve ever had just totally incredible, mind blowing sex with someone maybe you’ll understand. Even though it’s been quite a while since he and I have gotten together, I don’t know if I’m EVER willing to completely shut that out as a possibility. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I love so much about the sex with the Professor that in some ways it is even better.

Emotionally it is INCREDIBLE, and he gives me tons of orgasms as well, but my experiences with the married guy were so out of this world amazing that the temptation to engage in that again would be SO STRONG. Honestly I don’t know how I could ever stop having sex with the Professor either but at least this way if one of them drops out of my life forever I still have the other.

The guy I had the affair with, well, that goes a bit deeper. We really don’t even talk much now but just knowing he is THERE and knowing if I ever need him he probably still will be, means a lot. I hope and think he feels the same way. We even missed out on seeing each other recently and we could have when I was in town and that was okay, but I’m not ready to write him off. There are things he understands and gets about me that very few people do, due to our shared experiences and friends and family, where we grew up, our relationships with all these people and the times he has been in my life.

Recently when I was home visiting and my mom asked me for money, only to turn around and use it to buy cigars so she could make blunts to share with my siblings, getting high while I was downstairs watching all the kids. Well, not a lot of people would know how I felt at that moment but he would. I texted the Professor and his response was “that’s crazy!!” Maybe it is, but not in my world. It’s typical behavior from my mom and the affair guy knows and understands because he deals with the same sort of thing with his dad and siblings too and is in a similar position to me in that regard. I appreciate being able to talk to the Professor as well, but it’s nice to be understood sometimes and that aspect of my friendship with Mr. Affair is inexplicable. He was there and helped me realize that my marriage was emotionally abusive and that I needed to get out, he knew me when I was a teenager and he knows and gets where I’m coming from because he’s been there too.

My fuck buddy or my FWB I could give up if I needed to, but I don’t have to. The nice part about being “poly” is that you can keep the people in your life that you want and don’t have to shut them out just because of someone new. I’m sure the Professor feels the same way about this married woman in his life. I’d personally like her to be gone, but because of the nature of our relationship I don’t push him to get rid of her.

Then there is the fact that a big part of our relationship is BASED on doing things like going to swinger parties together and the possibility of meeting with others for sex. I can’t deny that I enjoy the excitement of it all! I look forward to new adventures and at least it’s not boring! I also love being able to be real with one another about our sexual activities and not having to hide the fact that we are sleeping with anyone else. I love that I can have sex with another guy and he will still want me. It’s a new dimension of feeling accepted.

Not to say that any of that is easy, for either one of us, because it isn’t. Recently when I slept with my fuck buddy the Professor had a hard time, even though he had been with another woman at a party not too long before that. For a while afterwards he feels upset and sometimes angry with me, though he knows and admits it isn’t logical and that they are just feelings. He said it really bothered him when I said I missed him soon after having had sex with someone else and he doesn’t like to hear that on the same day. The truth is I really DID miss him but I do see how it could be upsetting even if hearing that would mostly be REASSURING to ME were the roles reversed.

Sex with another man, believe it or not, sometimes has that effect on me. It actually makes me want to reconnect and be with the Professor MORE because he is my favorite and the only person I am currently emotionally attached to. Even during our first swinger party, when we were sleeping with a bunch of others, the highlight of the event, for me, was getting to be back in his arms, with him inside me, as the grand finale! Already, we seemed to have that emotional bond.

All that said though, we both have been struggling with the sharing thing. As I said, it’s HARD when you are so into someone. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild or to be affected by hurt feelings and fear of loss. While it’s easy to say I don’t want to be monogamous, the actual practice of sharing your favorite lover is a real challenge sometimes.

Like recently the Professor was travelling to the city near where the married woman lives for a tournament game. He had plans to meet with her and it was really stressing me out. I tried to keep it to myself and push it out of my mind as much as possible but it was still affecting me.

They were gonna see each other on Saturday night and Thursday I was coming over to his house to be together. I tried and tried not to think about it but I feel like the sex was affected. Even though HE was doing everything right as usual, I had a much harder time orgasming with him. I WANTED to, especially because there is that impetus to outdo the competition, but I was struggling. It’s like I couldn’t completely let go and be as vulnerable with him as I usually am. I needed to put up a wall to protect myself from the possibility of hurt when he was with her. :/

Now don’t get me wrong, I still came a handful of times, but I also “missed” several orgasms. It was like I’d build up to that point and just couldn’t let myself open up all the way with him. We didn’t even make as much eye contact as usual and I think a lot of it was me and fear of what was to come. I don’t know how much of it was apparent to him but he did comment afterwards that I wasn’t quite as loud as “usual”. :/ We still had a great time and connected and laying with him afterwards, his arms wrapped protectively around me, was comforting, but still that lingering fear.

So when he headed out of town and I had decided to go up and visit my family (actually not too far from where he was) that weekend as well, I think both of us were a bit worried. He asked me several times about my plans to meet up with other men and both the married man and the guy I had the affair with live up that way so were possibilities.

At first the married woman had planned to spend the night with him in the hotel and I was so on edge it was driving me nuts. Sex was one thing, but sleeping in his arms afterwards is another. It was a painful reminder that they have been emotionally and not just sexually involved and also that I don’t get to stay overnight with him that often due to my ex not taking the kids usually for more than a few hours at a time.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept trying to take my mind off of it, focusing on my trip and other things but it wasn’t easy at all. It was because of this that I even considered seeing the other guys because I would actually be pretty busy between visiting family and taking care of my children. I wanted to have something to look forward to and to ease my mind off what HE was doing. Flirting and talking to them and discussing the possibility helped a little bit.

Thankfully though, at the last moment the married woman’s husband decided to pull the plug on their rendezvous. She had told the Professor that he was “acting funny” about it and I guess he changed his mind. Funny thing is last time he didn’t want them to play either. I have to wonder what is going on there. Part of me thinks if she REALLY wanted to she could either convince him or find a way to do it any way so it makes me wonder. Women do sometimes use their husbands as a “reason” for something they don’t want to do. Why she wouldn’t want to sleep with him though, is beyond me, so maybe it really is him. Maybe he doesn’t like the emotional things he sees going on with them either. She hasn’t come down to see HIM in months and they used to meet once a month, before I came on the scene and for a few months after.

Part of me felt bad for him for missing out on that opportunity, but at the same time I was relieved. I really didn’t want them to be together. To me she is the main threat to our relationship. I’d really kind of prefer she drop out of the picture all together but I’m not in a position to demand that since we are open and even if I was there is no guarantee. People are gonna do what they are gonna do, even if it means cheating, for a lot of folks. Might as well be up front and at least KNOW what the hell is going on instead of trying to cover things up.

So knowing that and due to my already full schedule I decided to opt out of spending time with either the married man or the affair guy. Not to mention because of time constraints either of those opportunities would have been short and maybe had to happen in the car, lol. I admit I am curious what the married guy could do during car sex though!! Haha I have a feeling he’d still make it pretty darn hot. When I mentioned the car thing to the Professor he was like “what, he’s too cheap to get a hotel?”

Yeah, he doesn’t like the other guys. :p The married guy, I think he could get a hotel but I know it’s more risky when you are married and you have to be careful not to let that stuff show up on statements where your spouse could see it. He’s told me before he has a separate account in another city that his wife doesn’t know about but he has to access it on a weekday and I hadn’t told him I was coming until the last minute. In any case, we didn’t meet. He called me on Sunday and I was too busy to answer the phone and didn’t call back because he’d said to make sure not to call or text unless he did first.

Oh and there is this little tidbit that has been freaking me out about Mr. Married guy lately. He is obsessed with the idea of getting me pregnant!! Now, he claims he would give me all kinds of money and let me live in his extra house and take care of everything, but he also asked me if I would be willing to give up the Professor for him, and all other guys. :/ I just don’t want to do THAT even as tempting as some of it sounds and trusting him to do what he says he will is a tad dubious at this point anyway. When I asked about his wife in all of this he said she wouldn’t ever have to find out. Yeaaaaah, I can’t see ANYTHING possibly going wrong there now, can you? :p

On that topic he told me recently that he came inside me the first time we had sex! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I am sure I would have been freaking out if I’d thought that was even remotely possible, so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what? He didn’t wear a condom, so it was pretty reckless in that regard but coming inside of me? Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw where he came but could he have cum another time and I didn’t know??

As far as the condom is concerned, I had told him beforehand that I was assuming he’d wear one but it was dark enough in the room that I couldn’t tell for sure at first if he was or not! He’d been going down on me and making me cum a lot beforehand and when he first slid in I was thinking OMG, is he going bareback? Usually I hate the feel of condoms but sometimes they aren’t as noticeable, still it was feeling awfully good!! Well halfway through or so when I went down on him I could tell for sure. Too late now and the sex was so incredible I didn’t even comment. Dangerous, yes, but I was SURE he pulled out.

Yeah, he’s really pushing the envelope. He keeps saying how he wanted to get me pregnant. What is it with men?? My fwb LOVES to joke about that too and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s “joking” or seriously joking, if you know what I mean. HE always wears a condom but loves to freak me out by doing things like dipping it in a time or two before putting it on to see my reaction. Men…. I thought they were the ones supposed to be so paranoid about pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

The guy I had the affair with, well, I have my suspicions about his current relationship status even though he claims to be single. Then again, he’s got the money so maybe he is just too cheap, at least for a short get together. He’s had me over to his house but it’s only during the day, on a weekday. Hmmmmm…. Ah well…

So anyway, I chose not to see them. Part of me was feeling a little bad for the Prof and not wanting him to hurt while I was off playing and his chance was ruined. I told you all I like him. :/ I think we both slept better that night knowing things were “safe” and we didn’t have to worry. I haven’t had a chance to see him yet since then (and am also on my period) but it will be interesting to see if the orgasming issue just disappears. I have a feeling it will.

Multiple Valentines, Django, 70’s porn and great sex

men-fight-over-woman

I woke up Valentine’s Day morning to a text from the Married Man wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day and asking if I was naked. Clearly, he wanted pictures, which gave me a silly idea, lol. So I took a picture of my naked ass and said “here’s an upside down heart for you”. He liked that and of course wanted more. First though, I had to send a copy of my inverted Valentine to the rest of the guys on my list. I’m telling you, I’m a real romantic ;).

Now by “the rest of the guys” I only mean the other 4 that I’ve got on call for occasional sex, no matter how “occasional” some of them are. That means, the Professor, my fuck buddy, my fwb, and the guy I had the affair with. They are all privy to occasional naughty photos. I do have an exhibitionist streak, after all, that needs an outlet! In any case it started with that picture and got just a tad bit naughtier afterwards. 😉

I just loved their reactions. The married man, soon after, inquired whether or not I’d be willing to join him and his wife for a threesome. Now THAT sounded interesting! If there were someone I were going to have a threesome with he’d probably be my first choice. He’s good enough in bed, I am quite sure, for at LEAST two women at once, even if we weren’t touching each other. Hell, he’s probably good enough for 10 of us! LOL I AM NOT KIDDING!! He says he’s had a lot of FMF threesomes already and seriously, he’s like the Superman of Sex Gods.

What’s fascinating to me is that he seems to feel the same way about me! I have no idea why and can only attribute it to “chemistry”. I don’t feel like I do anything special in bed. Hell, I’m happy to let the guy do the vast majority of the work during sex so it always bewilders me when they tell me how “good” I am. Not that I mind that, just makes me wonder what I am good at, besides giving blow jobs. Laying there having orgasms? Haha… Don’t you know that’s what I specialize in? LMAO

The other day, he had actually asked me if I’d be willing to give up the Professor for him. What? LOL It was random since we haven’t seen each other for a while and I didn’t directly answer his question. I was like “is that what you want?” and he said he wanted me all to himself. I asked how come and his exact words were “I have had my share but I have never been with anyone and felt the way I do with you. Hell, I wanted to get you pregnant”. Yikes! LOL He actually did say all that when we were having sex, offered to let my kids and I live in his extra house rent free and said he would pay me 3,000 a month if I would have his baby and only sleep with him. Crazy! Though I admit it sounded terribly tempting for a while to this broke single mom! I didn’t know whether to take him seriously at the time but apparently he’s still thinking along those lines. WOW. I mean on one hand it would be like a dream come true but there are just so many ways it could fall through.

Anyhow, I’m not emotionally attached to him and I also don’t feel any jealousy towards his wife. I just don’t. She’s very pretty but she is his WIFE and I do respect that enough that it wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t feel like I were getting as much attention during a threesome. I got to thinking about it all and was like yeah, that actually would be kind of ideal. Hmmm…that could be fun!

Of course, I don’t think he’d actually bothered to ask HER what her opinion was on this, haha. I was like “what does your wife think about that??” She did, after all, catch him sexting with me once and he had warned me not to answer my phone for any calls from his area code. He said he’d have to get back with me on that and I guess she either said no or he didn’t ask because he told me later it wasn’t probably going to happen this weekend. I was wondering about that anyway, I mean, Valentine’s Day? Would he really ask her such a thing on that day? Of all the days of the year? Men….smdh… So I wasn’t too terribly disappointed or anything, but it was an interesting request.

My fuck buddy was a sweetheart. He asked me who my Valentine was and I said I didn’t really have one and he was like “me neither” but we flirted a bit over text. Not too much though. Kinda felt like I was neglecting him but I couldn’t have met up with him anyway. Most of my day was actually spent celebrating with my kids.

The fwb and guy I had the affair with both said they missed me and want to meet up again soon. Awwww… Especially the guy I had the affair with, I’m not really sure what has happened with us. I guess we both just lost interest in keeping up with the day to day stuff with one another and rarely talk anymore. The last time we had sex wasn’t even that great. Still, on some level I do still miss him and he says he misses me A LOT and wants to see me again.

It’s interesting. Our relationship seems like it has been a back and forth power grab in a lot of ways, with one or the other of us always being the one that was more invested than the other. When I started seeing the Professor I think I just lost the will to play that game with him anymore. Still, we’ve known each other since we were young and there are things that we understand about each other that no one else seems to get. I doubt I’d ever toss him out for good and I’m pretty sure he feels the same about me, even if it’s something we’d pick up again 10 years down the road. You just never know!

The Professor, for Valentine’s Day, dropped off a heart shaped box of chocolates on my doorstep. Not a huge or especially thought out gift, but it was something. I guess the point was to show he cared and not send out the wrong message at the same time and I think in that he did a pretty good job. I was happy anyway. I also had a box of chocolates for him so I later brought that by his place along with dinner. I had made steak, baked potatoes and Caesar salad for the kids and I and thought it would be nice to give him some too. He seemed pretty appreciative and excited about that anyway! 🙂

Anyhow, I was more flattered that he took me out on a date and to a movie last night, than about Valentine’s day, when obviously everyone feels obligated. Last night he took me to see Django. That might be on the list of top movies not to take your interracial date to, but hey, we had fun. Haha… I’m playing, it was a thought provoking movie. Mostly in the sense that I feel I need to check up on the historical accuracy of some of the stuff I saw in the film because some of it was really disturbing.

Django-Unchained-character-posters

It’s always horrible to be confronted with the capability some folks throughout history have had for treating other human beings in such an inhumane fashion. I think some would say it was much WORSE than the film portrayed and others would question the validity of some of the practices shown. In any case there were some scenes that could cause me nightmares. I was covering my face through some of it and the Professor was even doing it for me at one point and said he’d tell me when it was okay to look, lol. Not quite the “date” kind of thriller but hey, I was holding onto him for sure.

Don’t get me wrong there were lighthearted and funny moments too. At some parts, the Professor said he was afraid to laugh too loud, lol, but I totally get it. I am used to some inappropriate joking about stuff like that. Heck my baby brother, who is biracial, loves to make jokes directed at “white people” towards me. Like we’d be sitting there flipping channels on the tv and Mississippi Burning would come on and he’d be like “Look Lovergirl! It’s your favorite movie!” and I’d pretend to get all excited and cheer them on (and it would end up in a pillow fight). Soooo irreverent, but sometimes making jokes out of totally awful stuff does make it seem a little easier to take and we need a little reprieve from the cruelty of human nature. I think the film itself, whether it was historically accurate or not aside, was well acted and definitely kept your attention. It was almost 3 hours and I’m not a person that can normally sit through an entire movie like that.

Some of the musical choices were interesting too and at one point the Professor was like “this sounds straight out of a 70’s porn”. So of course, after he took me out to a late night diner for a treat after the movie, we went home to his place to look at 70’s porn and “listen to the music” haha. I guess you need some sort of diversion before having sex after watching something like that!

We watched some 70’s porn then decided to have a little fun ourselves in his bedroom. Mmmm… I can never get enough of sex with him. It’s just SO GOOD! He’s much more of a romantic love-maker than a rough type but I LOVE it! He’s perfect!! He makes me cum again and again and again. It’s just so intimate and he is very creative. I never know what to expect next. Plus, his voice, the things he says to me in bed really turn me on like crazy. He always cums really hard and he’s amazing afterwards and loves to cuddle and be all close with me. Like the perfect man!! LOL I mean it!! I love being in his bedroom…

Really, the more I get to know him the more I really like him. Did I mention he sings?? OMG, I am a total sucker for a man who can sing. I love a sexy voice. Just LOVE it. He used to sing in show choir as a kid and I love listening to him belt out a song. He’s only recently started singing for me. 🙂 ::: SWOON :::

The Professor is also a giver, in and out of the bedroom and it’s rare to come across a guy like that who is not a pushover. I’m really the same way so it’s nice to be with someone who reciprocates. We may have occasional issues with the polyamory stuff but I am glad overall, that we are doing this and hopefully can get better at sharing, lol. I like the excitement of it all but at the same time it’s so hard not to want him all to myself. I’m trying to remind myself of the wisdom of simply letting the relationship be what it is and not trying to demand more. It really is great AS IS and if I can let go of worrying when he is with another woman or that he will abandon me things would go much more smoothly. I think the same can be said of him because on one hand he wants to have freedom but it’s also hard for him to share ME. It can be so hard to let go of those hardwired monogamy ideals, but until next time…wish me luck! 🙂

30 years with 3 women!! A guest interview…

kdaddy23

I am absolutely thrilled to be able to bring a special guest to my blog today! Kdaddy23 has a very intriguing blog and after casually mentioning his 30 year involvement with 3 different women in comments on an earlier post of mine, I just HAD to learn more!! It’s not often that those of us starting out on the Polyamory journey have opportunity to speak with someone with such vast experience in this lifestyle.

I am enthralled with his background. Not only does he have this kind of experience in relationships with women but he is bisexual and his blog often details his rendezvous with men as well. I am fascinated to read his candid comments on a topic that is so often taboo and I am sure you will be also! Make sure you check out his blog!! It is always thought provoking!!

I asked the questions that first came to mind and most interested ME, but feel free to add your own as well down in the comments section as I am sure he will be reading and willing to expound further! I am so glad he agreed to share with us about what it was like having his own personal harem for so long! So without further ado, I present to you my email interview with Kdaddy 23.

I understand you had a polyamorous situation involving 3 different women that lasted 30 years. Wow! That’s incredible, encouraging and I am sure a lot of us who are just venturing into polyamory for the first time could learn from your experiences.

So first things first, how did it all begin?

We had been in an open relationship for many years, playing with others together and doing our own thing separately. She introduced me to the woman I’ll call “poly wife#1,” who was having major issues with a live-in boyfriend and a couple of lovers and to the point where we felt we had no choice but to take her into our home.

Whose idea was this?

It was my wife’s idea. She said, “I need you do to me a favor.” I said, “Okay, what do you need?” She said, “I want you to go downstairs and make love to S.” I said, “Are you serious?” She said, “What, you afraid you can’t handle it?” I went to S, told her why I was there, and we made love; the next day, the poly triad was formed despite my misgivings.

How eager were all the parties involved to take part?

Well, let’s see; my wife was eager to do this because, later, I learned that she was very much in love with poly wife#1; #1 was suspicious but eager; I was worried because I could already see the problems that would happen… but I was challenged and I’ve never backed down from any ‘insult’ to my masculinity.

Did you all live together?

Three of us lived together; “poly wife #2” lived a couple of hours away.

Was everyone having sex with everyone else?

Well, not at first; poly wife #1 really objected to poly wife #2 being added but the two of them had a long, private talk “about some things” that resulted in me being in bed with all three of them (and getting kicked out of the room for an hour while they played with each other). What makes this interesting, at least to me, was that I knew my wife was bisexual – but the other two women weren’t… but that didn’t last long.

Did you have a hierarchy (such as a primary, secondary, etc)?

Since I was tasked to manage all of this, I discarded the idea of an hierarchy; to me, that led to favoritism so it was easier to deal with all of them as if I were actually married to all of them (which I wasn’t).

Were the women involved also involved with other men or women outside of your little group? How about you?

The quartet was closed; being the only guy, I would often suggest that we find and add another guy, something the three of them summarily vetoed so they weren’t involved with other guys and the only thing I did outside of the quartet was having sex with guys occasionally; all three of them knew I’m bisexual.

Do you have children? Were they all from the same woman? How much did they know or understand of your polyamorous involvement or were they unaware?

My wife and I had three children together; poly wife #1 had three; poly wife #2 had no children. Explaining this to the kids was really hard to do and we had to tell all six of them – how do you hide something like this? As adults, my three told me that, at first, they very much objected to the whole idea but later realized that it really did make all of our lives better. Poly wife #1’s boys were actually happy about it because it put a man in their lives who was dedicated to helping them grow up right and, yeah, the six of them got along quite well.

Was there a lot of competition or jealousy? How did you handle it?

My biggest problem, other than trying to keep up with the sexual drives of three very different (but oddly similar) women was dealing with the jealousy and their competitive natures. I tried, on many occasions, to point out to them that the animosity that came up was insane because they were all having a relationship with the same guy. I think that realization finally hit home and the early bickering was cut down to a dull roar but never really eliminated.

Were others around you aware of your polyamorous arrangement? How did they react?

Again, how do you hide something like this? Our families found out and they just kinda rolled their eyes and hoped like hell we knew what we were doing. Our friends, well, they were amazed at first – but they accepted it easily enough, which really surprised me. You have no idea how many times they’d ask me, “How’s the harem doing?” Of course, all the guys were jealous of me while the women kind of generally said that I must be one hell of a guy to do something like this and keep the women happy and smiling 90% of the time.

Do you have any interesting stories to tell about daily life or about issues that came up?

Our daily lives from day one was an interesting story. We all worked, dealt with the kids and the usual stuff a monogamous couple would deal with – just expanded. The short version of all of this was there was never, ever, a dull moment… but it wasn’t always fun and games either. What made it interesting – especially with the kids – is that my family is Black, poly wife #2 is Black, poly wife #1 and her kids were white so you can image the looks we got when her kids introduced me as their father, right?


What finally brought about the end of it all?

What ended it all had nothing to do with the relationship directly except that things were starting to decay in the quartet and I felt that the end was near. I was forced to retire from my job but in the process of hooking up another one, I had a stroke; for me, it became a matter of survival and leaving my life in the hands of the two women who lived with me and knowing things had broken down so much that they’d never be able to care for me – so it was time to go and, yeah, I wish it hadn’t happened… but it had to.

Would you recommend this lifestyle to other men and women?

Actually, I would not recommend this to anyone because I learned so much more about love, sex, and relationships living like this; it is horribly difficult and stressful and more so when things get out of kilter – and you can count on that happening because it is so very hard to discard the rules of monogamy when you’re anything but. In my blogs about this, I always say that you have to be some really special people to engage in this type of relationship.

If you could do it all over again, is there anything you would change or do differently?

God, there are so many things I would change that I can’t begin to mention them all. Even now, I think about what I could have – and should have – done differently in all of this because I still feel that when things started to deteriorate, I failed to hold it all together… but I also realize that it wasn’t all my fault. I wanted things to run in a way that would make and keep us all happily together until death did us part but the wife and poly wife#1 had other ideas – poly wife#2 was on my side about what should be done and all that but the other two had their own, separate agendas and were stubborn enough that we could never convince them that doing things their way was going to be very bad for the relationship. But, yeah, if I could, I would do it all over again because being monogamous is too limiting a thing to be engaged in.

What advice do you have for people just starting out in a polyamorous lifestyle?

My advice would be to remember to love each other but to also shed monogamous ways and all the negative emotions that come with this: THEY WILL NOT WORK HERE! Have a solid plan in place to manage all aspects of the relationship – this really isn’t all about the sex that can be had. Deal with anyone in the poly relationship as the individual they are – but, again, manage the relationship and keep everyone involved and informed. Be open, communicate until you want to throw up and be honest about feelings, motives, intentions, etc. Don’t discard growth; while a closed poly relationship provides a great deal of security and other things, at some point, you’re going to outgrow the box you’ve put yourself into so logic demands growth and inclusion of others to continue the dream and the goals set of loving each other, even if you’re not all living together

Unchartered territory…

otherwoman

Sometimes I feel so lost with this open relationship stuff. It’s like there’s nowhere to turn when I have questions and doubts about how to handle things that just don’t come up in a traditional monogamous framework. Even a lot of the articles and materials directed at swingers are assuming that a person is coming into The Lifestyle with a serious “primary” relationship.

In my case, the Professor is sort of my primary relationship but he also has someone else, someone that was there first. Only she is married, so it’s not like they are each other’s primary relationship either. This is where the bulk of our issues reside and I find the relationship he has with this other woman the most difficult to handle.

Technically I guess we are “polyamorous,” or at least he is, because he says he has feelings for the both of us. Me, I tend towards emotional monogamy, so this is difficult for me to really understand. I’d much rather he just have feelings for ME, even if he is going to sleep with other women. Sharing someone I’ve fallen for emotionally is not easy!

When we first started out I thought of us both as single but having fun. I didn’t realize he was so entrenched in something already and that epiphany left me with a rather sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now, he will admit she is in love with him but says he is not in love with her. However, he is not saying he is “in love” with me either only admitting that he has feelings, which is pretty unspecific.

To be fair I don’t know that I am “in love” at this point either. I think I’ve retained a certain amount of guardedness due to the presence of this other woman. It’s like deep down I WANT very much to let go but because of her I am too afraid. Only, I suck at regulating and covering up my true feelings and I keep allowing myself to get more and more vulnerable, then reality hits and I snap those walls right back up again.

I think the hardest part, for me, is not KNOWING for sure how he compares and rates us in his mind. He is saying that we are equal to him but I find that hard to believe and accept. It’s like my competitive instinct goes into OVERDRIVE and I MUST be #1, at ALL COSTS, or nothing. Grrrrr…. I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s “secondary” dammit, and if that’s the case you’ve insulted my worth as a woman and I want OUT.

So my inner demons and jealousy are making me want to look for PROOF of who he’s REALLY more emotionally invested in. I’m looking for any evidence that he’s lying and she’s really his favorite and using me as the sidepiece. I KNOW it’s irrational and probably unfair, but that’s what’s bubbling under the surface.

Now, he hasn’t actually slept with her, to my knowledge, and if he is telling the truth, for over 3 months. For that matter he supposedly hasn’t with anyone but me. However, I HAVE slept with other guys, mainly my fuck buddy, but also once around Thanksgiving with the guy I had an affair with (but now haven’t talked to in quite a while). I’ve even gone on a date or two. So how come I’m even threatened by this??

I think it’s just the IDEA that they have a “love” type thing going on. It doesn’t help that I saw a note she had written to him lying on his dresser recently and stacks of cards calling him “baby” and saying how she misses him. It doesn’t help that he once texted her “goodnight” right as we were in the middle of a break during sex. It doesn’t help that when she comes down she stays for days at a time and they go out on dates together and she sleeps in his bed at night and has a key to his place. 😦 I don’t get that kind of stuff very often at all, even though a lot of it is because of my schedule and children, it still hurts.

To add insult to injury, the first weekend he ever had her down after we met he completely DISAPPEARED on me for like 3 full days. I didn’t even get a single text. I felt so abandoned and I thought it meant he was done with me forever. Turns out later that he claimed she was soooo upset over some guy standing her up that she cried and cried and needed his attention the entire time. At least that was his excuse and at the time it really pissed me off and made me feel like SHE was trying to sabotage his relationship with me and he was allowing it to happen. Who cries for days over getting stood up by someone they’ve never even met?

I’m still not entirely sure that she’s not doing things to try and cause problems for us but of course he thinks she’s innocent. Men are so blind sometimes. Leaving notes all over his house on brightly colored cards seems kind of obvious to me.

Also, on my birthday he had offered to take me out and go bowling but she decided to come down the weekend before, which made it impossible due to our weekday schedules. THAT really pissed me off. He still took my kids and I out for ice cream and dropped a bottle of wine and a cake off at my door on the actual day of but it just wasn’t the same.

Apparently she comes down whenever the hell she wants. He says her husband only lets her at certain times so he takes what he can get, but whatever. She also once decided to stay an extra day, which happened to be a day I had offered to make him dinner and he was supposed to be coming over to my place and completely forgot. He told me she was staying but apparently forgot we had previous plans. Nice. Not sure if he really forgot or if she had known and deliberately stepped over that or what. When she is not around the Professor is very attentive and thoughtful and doesn’t forget things like that so it rubs me all kinds of wrong ways.

When I have a moment of clarity and am being fair towards her or putting myself in her shoes I can understand that she would feel threatened by ME. I came along AFTER they were already in an emotional relationship and I’m nearly 20 years younger than her, live close by and don’t have a husband telling me when I can and cannot meet. He also takes me with him to swinger parties and has spent more time with me overall lately. Still, I don’t have a lot of reason to care about HER. Mostly, I feel like I want to tear her hair out… but I’m above that…I hope. :p

So last weekend the Professor happened to have a tournament he was coaching in another city, which is right near where she lives. He neglected to tell me this until Friday morning when I asked what he was doing that day. He said “I’m at work” and I’m thinking well, duh, and said “no, I mean tonight”. He then mentions that he has a tournament that weekend and finally that he was leaving early that night and planning to see her when he got up there.

First off, I was kind of pissed that I had to seemingly drag that information out of him, especially in light of his recent lie to me about having attended a swinger party when he said he wasn’t going to. He also kept pussyfooting around the questions of whether he was planning to see and sleep with her. He claimed that it all depended on her husband and he wasn’t sure yet what would happen.

So I was fuming a bit but went ahead and made plans with my fuck buddy. He had stated before that I can come down and see him whenever I want so for the first time I decided to drive the hour and a half to his place to spend some time with him. That all went swimmingly and we had fun and good sex and talked quite a bit more than usual since I was there for 3 hours. I told the Professor what I was going to do.

However the Professor and I kind of got into it. He seemed to be avoiding telling me whether he was going to spend the night with her or even admitting that there was likelihood they would have sex. I told him I felt like I needed some reassurance from him. We hadn’t seen each other since the blowout after me discovering his lie about the past swinger party and though we had made up somewhat we really hadn’t had a chance to talk it out. I was feeling insecure and uneasy about our relationship already and on edge about him going to see her. I made a comment about how he probably wouldn’t bother texting me all weekend and he said stop it, he would make a point of keeping in contact with me.

So he finally says he talked to them and that she and her husband were going to have dinner with him. I was kind of snappy and said something like “you never go out to dinner with ME”. He said that wasn’t fair because he has taken me out before but I usually can’t take enough time and that he hasn’t seen her in three months and she is his friend too! Left me with a bad feeling because he was going on about her being his friend again and I was still without the reassurance that I had asked him for.

So I just said I was going to go see my friend and that I guess there was no need to contact him after that. I said it because he was on his way to dinner with her and I wasn’t going to notify him again that I was leaving for my fuck buddy’s house while he was busy. I MEANT that night but also kind of deliberately left it ambiguous as to whether or not I meant EVER because I wanted to see what he would do.

Still, he didn’t contact me for TWENTY FOUR HOURS after that. And then it was when I finally sent him a text. I was pissed because he broke his promise and I assumed it was because he was either still with her or so happy to have seen her that he couldn’t be bothered with me at all. I didn’t know if she had stayed the night with him (I didn’t sleep over with my fuck buddy) or if he was taking her with him all day to his games or what. Of course he has never taken ME to anything like that so I was speculating all kinds of things and not feeling good about it at all. My imagination can sometimes get the best of me. Of course he said the reason he didn’t text was because I said there would be no need to contact me again…and he didn’t know if I meant ever, and admittedly I left it open like that on purpose because I was upset.

He said they didn’t even have sex. They went to dinner and because he had a slight cough left over from having been sick the week before I guess they didn’t feel comfortable being “intimate” with him. They didn’t want to get sick. He says it was the husband’s decision. He’s told me before that she and her husband don’t communicate well and she is in love with him and doesn’t want to sleep with anyone but him and her husband wants her to be with other guys. The whole situation is kind of fucked up and I know how those “secret” feelings for another person can be and how bored married ladies who aren’t getting the attention they want will be seeking it out so she is probably EXTRA in love with him. UGH. I so just want her GONE.

Meanwhile the Professor can’t get why I am still upset because THEY didn’t have sex, and I DID!!! LOL On some level I can see how he feels that way but again it is the emotional thing with me! He gets upset every time I have sex with another guy and it takes him awhile to get over it, though logically he is okay with it. It gets to him on an emotional level so I think he should understand MY feelings as well.

My fuck buddy I have NO emotional attachment to. We fuck and that’s it! He is in no way a threat to the Professor and I have no problem telling the Professor I like HIM more and HE is number one to me! He knows that!! I want to be special like that to him too! :/

Barring that, I at least want to know SOME ways in which I am special to him. I’m not really getting that and I feel like I’ve asked for it in several different ways. I just need to know MY unique place in his life. We did get into a really long emotional discussion (drama, drama, fun, fun) where he said the following.

1. I spend more time with YOU!! That should tell you something!! (But, spending more time with her would be kind of difficult since she lives far away and her husband won’t “let” her- I don’t know if that is simply a way to bide his time since they can’t have each other or what).

2. Neither one of you is more special to me, you both have different qualities and different things I like about you, else I why would I be with TWO people? (Okay, I do get that, see my post on Comparing Lovers– but I still want to know WHAT it is that is different- curiousity? Or just a need to feel special in some way I guess).

3. I shouldn’t have to reassure you about anything. Just the fact that I do things with you and spend my time with you and spend time TALKING to you and buy things for you and your kids should be enough reassurance. I don’t express my feelings like that. (Gah! Men!! I hate this about them!!!! Why is giving reassurance hard? It’s like the easiest thing in the world to me and I give him boatloads if I even think he is hinting at needing a little and he seems to appreciate that!! I’m more than happy to TELL him I think he’s the bees knees! Yes, he does do these things for me and it means a lot and I love it but that doesn’t mean when I am faced with a scary situation where he is off with another woman I don’t need a RE-assurance of that. Tell me again, and again, and again!! Please!! :/ Yeah, I guess I’m being needy. )

4. More logical crap about how he takes her out more because she has that available time and how he would do the same for me if my ex- husband wasn’t always pestering me to come back and get the kids after 2 hours of being away. Plus, he takes me to the swingers parties AND he HAS taken me out a couple of times before. (Okay, he has a point here but also if he was offering to take me out more I’m sure I could manage to get a little more time. I do have time constraints but it makes it hard to tell if he would really do that stuff or not).

5. Do you think I would spend all this time TALKING to you if I didn’t like you A LOT?? Don’t you know men hate this stuff and I have better things to do with my time? (Well, yes, this is very true and also why it’s a damn good test of how a guy feels about you to throw a huge fit and see how he reacts. I hate that I do this but it has the end result of proving his emotional investment in me…, not that I think it out on a calculated level like that but yes I can see the reasons why afterwards).

So anyway, we are all back to normal and happy now. After a lot of testing him on my part. I have to admit that NOW I can see it for what it was but at the time I was a mess of emotion and unable to think clearly and just ACTING on feminine whims. I am so such a girl…and also was at the start of and on my period, when I tend to sink into insecurity and hit my low point of the month. The rest of the time I feel like I’m fairly easygoing and happy. It doesn’t probably help that it seems like every time he has gotten together with this woman has been right around my period. He’s asking for it!!

Despite recognizing what is going on I still feel like I could benefit from more advice and examples of how people get on in everyday polyamorous relationships. Reading the blogs can offer tidbits here and there but it never seems like enough. Where do I go for ideas on how to cope with “the other woman” when it isn’t an affair situation and he is ALLOWED to do this? I’ve read The Ethical Slut and that had some ideas but it was also just skimming the surface of all the possibilities out there. Does anyone else deal with this stuff? How do you do it?