Tag Archive | open relationships

Of Lies and Men

pinocchiodick

If I can get Mr. Pilot to stop texting me long enough to write this post, I’ll update you all a little more, lol.  So far so good.  I’m really liking his personality and he seems very into me thus far. Surely we can get along in bed, right?  It would be a shame if we didn’t.

In any case we seem to have a lot in common and despite the wait before meeting in person, we’ve been having fun.  I wonder if maybe that isn’t a good thing, that we aren’t jumping into bed right away.  Like, maybe it will make him more interested in a relationship than just sex.  I do kinda prefer having that with SOMEONE.

I really do want an OPEN relationship, or at least to give it a try.  The Professor and I clearly weren’t on the same page with that.  Actually, the more I think about things with him,  more sketchy memories come to mind about his behavior and the more I am convinced he was lying to me about more than just having attended a swinger party without me once. 

There were a couple of occasions where he disappeared and gave some lame reason as to what happened.  His behavior was shady, but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  You’d think I’d stop doing that by now, having experienced enough men that lied to me about things in my life.  It’s a wonder I’d ever believe a word out of any of them!

Oh man, could I tell you all stories.   Stories of the lies and how ridiculously unfathomable some of them have been.  Sometimes men just have me shaking my head.  But anyway….

Some of the readers of my blog even tried to warn me that his actions seemed emotionally abusive.  Looking back over some of my entries, yeah, I think if they were intentional then it was. I seem to be especially blind to that kind of thing, believing what I want to believe at the time, which is usually the best about people. What stands out even more are the excuses he made and how unrealistic they seem to me now that I’ve taken off the rose colored glasses.

 Like the incident with him leaving a note from the married woman out on his dresser, it happened right after he pulled a disappearing act on his BIRTHDAY for Christ’s sake.  His claims that his “sister” came down seem especially dubious now, knowing he was lying about even simple things post breakup.  He was claiming he hadn’t seen the married woman for 6 months at that time but um, I am pretty damn sure if that note had been there before I’d have seen it.  I didn’t even mention to you all what happened on New Year’s Eve, when he was supposedly over visiting some platonic couple and then disappeared for hours and claimed he wasn’t getting my texts.

I’ve also tied in something interesting and it seems like he was giving me gifts right around the times he’d pull something odd, on several occasions.  Makes you wonder if it wasn’t totally intentional and meant to distract me.  Yeah, my respect and attraction for him, at this point, have plummeted severely.

All this thinking about stuff isn’t because I am still obsessed.  I don’t feel that I am at all anymore.  It’s more of a precaution and thoughts about what went wrong so I can prevent it from happening again in the future.  I feel that I’ve been played. 

He pretended, on one hand, to be interested in relationship stuff with me.  He got jealous and wanted to know when I was with other men.  He gave money and time to me and my children and acted as though he really cared.  Yet now, he seems shockingly unconcerned about us.  NOW it’s “I didn’t want a relationship”.  Okay…well then maybe you should have been more clear in the beginning, when I could have accepted that just fine, like I do with several of the other men I see, ones who don’t lead me on.

I’ve never really understood that kind of sentiment anyway.  If you are having sex, well, as far as I’m concerned, you have a “relationship”, it’s just a matter of degree.  There are all sorts of levels of relationship status, from married and monogamous all the way down to fuck buddy and to me they are equally valid and people can move up and down the ladder.  If someone has proved good enough to continue to have sex with me I think it’s nasty to tell them how they can or cannot feel.  Emotions like that are really beyond our control and I think it’s important to respect someone’s if you are sleeping with them, whether you feel the same way or not.

I keep wondering if the way things ended, maybe it was planned out.  It seems so unreal and just beforehand, before he went up to see her, he was acting weird about not wanting to kiss me while he drove.  He had bought a box of donuts for us as a surprise but yet seemed distant.  All at a time when he knew I’d be vulnerable.  It’s almost as though he ignored me and acted the way he did on purpose, to get me to react so that he could “break up” with me.  I guess I’ll never know.

Sigh….I’m so confused, but enough dwelling on the past.  I need to make the right decisions NOW and pay more attention to shit. Having an “open” relationship with someone dishonest kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? 

Whew, I finally get a rest from texting with the Pilot.  I told him I’m tired and it’s true I will probably do some cleaning up and get to bed soon.  I love all the attention, but man, I need some breaks, haha.  I guess there isn’t any doubt he is into me at this point!

 The Professor used to like to text a lot too but this guy maybe even more so.  Or maybe it’s just that way in the beginning; men do tend to enjoy the chase.  Wonder how long I’ll be the bright shiny object?

Right now he keeps telling me how he thinks I am really cool and we could have an epic thing going on and that he can’t wait to meet me.  He is envisioning us going to parties together in the future and even got me to sign up for one that he is planning on attending.  Actually, he offered to come get me and drive me there with him if I want.  That would be 3 hours out of his way!  Crazy!! Actually 6, assuming he’d take me back!

I admit I’m kinda excited about this party though.  It is in a bigger city and is at a hip hop/rnb club and it looks like there are a lot of interracial couples signed up.  Since he tends to go for white women and I tend to lean towards black men, that kinda works better than out here in the sticks, ;).  Also, they have a massage room and a glory hole?  Haha…I’m always curious to try these new places and check them out.

He went to a comedy club tonight with some friends and was telling me he gets free tickets there like once a month, almost as though he were hinting.  He offered to teach me Salsa dancing. He keeps telling me he likes ALL of me and not just my sexy body but also that he wants to fuck me bad.  Huh…seems like I’ve heard that somewhere before, lol, but hey….

I don’t know but if he even halfway lives up to the image he’s putting out there it would be good.  I did notice a little slipup he made in text today though.  He mentioned his 9 inch cock.  Yesterday, it was 8 ½…. It’s growing, like Pinocchio.

 

 

 

 

 

Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

Feeling abandoned :(

abandoned

I don’t know if I can continue on what I have with the Professor any longer.  His most recent visit with the married woman caused me a lot of hurt and not for the reasons you might think.  It was less about the fact that he was having sex with her and more about the way I felt he abandoned ME.

Things started out okay.  I knew he was going up to her city for a tournament he was coaching.  I knew there was a possibility of them sleeping together, and even of her staying the night, though the past couple of times her husband has nixed their get togethers so I wasn’t sure how likely it actually was.

The day before he left we saw each other and had great sex.  I was feeling better about things.  The next morning he came and picked me up from the auto shop where my vehicle was being repaired and surprised the kids and I with donuts.  He was like “you look cute this morning” when I got in the car but when I moved over to kiss him as he was driving he didn’t respond.  This made it where I couldn’t quite reach him and I was like “you won’t let me kiss you?”  He said it was because he was driving and he did kiss me later when I got out of the car, but that first instance set a bad feeling in my stomach because it was right before he was heading out of town and would be seeing HER.  I felt like he was starting to pull away from me.

I tried to brush it off but the image stuck in my mind.  I KNOW I have massive abandonment issues and it is something I really struggle with.  The Professor is aware of this because in times past, when the married woman came to visit him I have pretty much flipped.  Each time it’s been due to me feeling ignored and set aside due to her being there. 

It all started with the very first time she came down and he suddenly completely ignored me for THREE DAYS.  We had had sex the day before and I thought everything was so great and was totally confused and hurt by his sudden abandonment of me.  His excuse afterwards was that she was crying over some guy she didn’t even know who had stood her up and needed his attention.

 I have a hard time buying that story.  Who cries for three days over a stranger?  Maybe someone who is being manipulative and trying to keep his attention off of ME.  Or maybe she wasn’t and he was lying?  Or she’s really THAT pathetic?  In any case it made me feel pretty awful that he would treat me like that just because of her and set the whole thing off to a really bad start.

The next couple of times weren’t much better.  Once he skipped a prearranged date with me because she decided she wanted to come see him.  I was on my period but had offered to give him a great blow job and he said, as part of his reasoning that “that wouldn’t be ENOUGH for him anyway”.  Ouch. 😦

Then there was the time she came down on the weekend before my BIRTHDAY, the only time that week he and I would have been able to have a date, and when he had promised and planned to take me out and do something special.  Well, it never happened.  He chose that haggard old married bitch over me and I was NOT HAPPY.  He tried to make up for it by dropping off a bottle of wine and a cake on my doorstep on the day of my birthday and also took the kids and me out for ice cream, but yeah, that’s not quite like an ADULT date ending in sex and I haven’t really forgiven him for that. 

Another time I had invited him over for dinner and even bought steak for us to eat but she decided to stay an extra day at his house and he “forgot”.  Each time was painful for me and we got into some big arguments.  I felt like I was being treated as second best. 

What disturbed me so much was that the REST of the time, when she’s not there, he’s WONDERFUL to me, he’s like the perfect guy and I’d fall harder and harder for him and then he’d do a complete 180 when that woman came around.  It didn’t help when I found a love note she had written him sitting atop his dresser (under my jewelry, where he’d told me to put it the night before) or that when we’d first started seeing each other he’d made it out like she was just a fuck buddy, yet later admitted she was “in love” with him. I’ve written about all of this stuff before in previous posts.

He would SAY that he sees us as “equal” and doesn’t put one of us before the other, but I felt like his actions were saying otherwise.  Why would he keep dropping dates with me and letting her decide to hang around longer and all of that if he cared as much about me?  Once he even made the excuse that he has known her longer (6 months longer) as though I give a flying fuck.  That doesn’t give him a reason to put me out and it made me very angry.

He also tried to say this is just “the Lifestyle” and that he and I aren’t in a “relationship” but are just fwb.  That stung because if this isn’t a “relationship” then why does he want to text with me all day every day (and gets upset if I take a while to respond)?  Why is he buying stuff for me and my kids?  Why is he taking me to parties with him and having sex with me and taking me out on dates and making dinner for me and coming over to my place for Easter dinner?  Why does he insist that we tell each other every time we play with someone else?  Why does HE get upset each time I’m with another man and need my reassurance and talking to him afterwards?  How is that “not a relationship”?  What the hell is it then?

I don’t understand that at all.  It seems like “this is not a relationship” was just something to throw in my face to not have to deal with my emotions when he does something hurtful.  He hasn’t said it again this time but its stuck in my mind because I feel yet again abandoned and like he doesn’t care about my feelings.

We’ve had some arguments each time he was with her due to all of this.  I have told him that if we are going to do this I REALLY need his reassurance that he cares about ME before and after he sees this woman and not to be ignored because of her or put out.  That is very important to me and there is no way I can do the “open” thing without that. 

So a while back, he slept with a different woman and things actually went pretty well.  See my post Almost compersion, (but not quite). One of the big things that helped was that he finally gave me the reassurance that I was looking for and needed to be able to cope.  It helped a LOT.  I thought now, he would do that with this other woman, because he knows that I need it but nope, he STILL won’t give me that when it comes to her.

When he first got into town and checked into his hotel he sent me a picture of his hotel room.  On one hand I’m sure it was because he was thinking of me but it made me feel kind of sick because I knew that he might be playing with her in there and didn’t want to have to picture it.  It was a very nice room.  I said “I wish I could be there with you” and he was like “aww, me too”. 

We texted back and forth that night but he disappeared for a while and said he had fallen asleep.  That kind of left me wondering but I accepted it.  The next day he was pretty uncommunicative.  Part of that, I know, was because he was at the gym all day for a tournament but it ran much later than usual and even afterwards he was being really slow to text back. He said he wasn’t playing with her that night but I had some question in my mind whether or not he was telling the truth.  He talked some though here and there. I tried not to stress too much because of course he had a lot going on and COULD be really as tired as he said he was.   He said he wasn’t playing with the woman because he was exhausted.

Meanwhile, I had thrown out a Craigslist post and also communicated with my fuck buddy.  The professor had almost seemed like he WANTED me to meet up with my fuck buddy.  However fuck buddy had a couple coming over and wanted me to meet with all of them and I wasn’t liking that idea.  It is an older couple and I’ve never met them or seen a picture of the guy and didn’t want to feel obligated to fuck him.  He kept saying the woman “wanted” me but I’d only seen a picture of her from the neck down and the idea of some lady who is as old as my mom that I’ve never even met “wanting” me was a tad creepy.  I decided against it and had a lot to do here at home that day anyway, like get ready for one of my kid’s birthday parties.

The Craigslist post brought back about 50 responses before getting flagged and taken down, but while there are a couple people I’m still emailing with here and there, nothing panned out and there was no one I was super attracted to. The ones that were I suspect were guys using fake pics.

 I also responded to an add from a “couple” looking for a “couple” with pics of me and the Professor and the guy turned it all around to saying that he wanted to be with just me and the Prof as a threesome (I said he wouldn’t go for that) to saying he wanted to play with me alone (I suspect the female half of the couple didn’t actually exist) to eventually admitting he is “bi-curious” and asking me if I’d be willing to suck his dick with another man.  Oh gee, that sounds like the time of my life right?  Go suck some random guy’s dick along with another man!  :p  I didn’t take him up on his offer but in the meantime he’d been told about my fuck buddy as well and seen a pic.  He asked if fuck buddy was still interested and fuck buddy said “tell him to go kill himself”.  Nice! 

This is way off topic, but seriously if you are looking for gay sex how about just posting that instead of being a “couple” looking for a “couple”?  Novel idea?  Oh and he claimed to be biracial and sent me a pic of a biracial guy and was talking about how his “girlfriend” was into “big, black guys” but the pic he sent of his cock looked decidedly white, like very pink, and his pubic hair did not look like it belonged to a “biracial” man.  It didn’t match his “face” pic at all.

Anyway, there were some guys that were interested but no one I felt the same way about so it just wasn’t worth it to me to meet any of them just so I could be playing with someone while the Professor was.  I didn’t want to let that drive my decision making and sleep with someone I’d later regret.

 I finally just decided to focus on stuff here and have also been reading the book “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino.  I was hoping the advice in there would be able to help me get through this past weekend better, but my emotions just took over after a certain point.  The book also talks a lot about making rules and agreements.  Well, I felt like the Professor was well aware of the fact that I need some reassurance before and after, since we’d talked about it more than once and he’d also done it the last time.  I was actually feeling like, hey, I can do this.  I’m not going to stress and maybe I will meet up with someone else later in the week (though due to have my period soon so it may not be as soon as I’d like and I’m also more emotional, ugh).

So, back to the Professor.  I’d texted him a couple times the next morning and he responded though it seemed like he was mostly brushing me off.  I attributed it to the fact he had to get to the gym and had another busy day ahead of him, which is probably true.  Around 1 pm I asked how the games were going.  He didn’t respond until after 7.  He’s never gone that long without answering me, even during a tournament. 

He said he’d had a crazy day and I congratulated him and his team then asked if he had plans that night.  No response for over an hour.  Finally he texted back “yeah will have dinner with the team.  My friend will come visit with her husband but not spending the night”. 

Okay.  I’m thinking, good, she’s not sleeping over at least, that will be easier for me to deal with.  I texted back “what time is that?”.  No response until 45 minutes later, when he said “about 10”.  It was almost ten already and I had been waiting on edge for a long time.  I said “ok.  Will you tell me when she leaves?”

 He again didn’t answer for a bit and so I was starting to feel very anxious.  Like, why is he not responding to me?  He must be talking to HER and can’t be bothered with it or something.  He knows we have an agreement to tell each other this stuff!  I finally texted again and said “you’ve been ignoring me almost all day and night already”.  He said “Yes, I will.  I miss playing with you though”.

Ugh!  That really pissed me off because it sounded so trite and untrue.  There is no way you miss playing with me RIGHT BEFORE you are about to have sex with HER!  I said “no you don’t.  You’ve barely answered me all day, but whatever”.  Then I put it out on the table “I feel abandoned”, hoping he’d offer some comfort and reassurance because I was really starting to need it.  NO RESPONSE and I knew she was due to be coming there soon.

 How could he not respond when I’d just told him I felt abandoned?  I was starting to feel panic.  I know some of that is due to childhood abandonment issues and it is something that is really difficult, real, and hard for me to deal with.  Thing is he KNOWS this already due to stuff that has happened in the past.  I’ve TOLD him repeatedly that I need that extra bit of reassurance if we are going to do this and now he just ignores me?

I texted “so you’re gonna treat me like this and ignore me and make me feel awful right before she comes over instead of the reassurance I have asked for?” He texted back (20 minutes later) “No, I coached most of the day and don’t get a good signal in the gym and we played a lot”.  What the hell does his coaching all day have to do with NOW??  I’m saying I feel abandoned NOW and he is doing this to me NOW.  So I texted him back “Even since you left there you’ve been taking a really long time to reply to my texts and suddenly treating me like I’m nothing to you.  It’s the same thing you’ve done every other time she was around or you had a chance to hook up with her”.  He texted back “God, you do this to me every time” and left me hanging and feeling like shit for the next couple hours while he was fucking her.

Finally he says “ok, she’s gone”.  I didn’t respond IMMEDIATELY, so FOUR MINUTES LATER he says “I’m not doing this tonight.  I worked and coached all day and haven’t been texting much cause we didn’t have a good signal”.  Note that he expects me to return the text that fast while he takes hours.  I responded “but you had plenty of time for her”.  Obviously he’s been keeping in touch with HER and making plans with HER but can’t be bothered to give me basic respect because of her presence.  He said “No, I didn’t.  I do care about you, but I’m not doing this tonight”, again abandoning me and I haven’t heard from him since (a day and a half later). Now when I’ve had sex with someone he ALWAYS wants to talk afterwards and needs extra reassurance and sometimes I find it annoying but I’ve NEVER begrudged him that, ever.

I finally texted him back, told him” I’m not doing anything to you, I expressed feeling vulnerable and needing reassurance and comfort.  Instead you got pissy and left me hanging while you fucked someone else, thanks.“  It all went downhill from there.  He didn’t respond and I got increasingly upset and told him off pretty much for good.  I don’t think I can forgive someone who ignored me when I needed his emotional support and left me feeling abandoned when he knew that was how I already felt.

Abandonment is a terrifying feeling for me.  He already knows that I feel that way and I made myself vulnerable in trying to say “I feel vulnerable” directly and give him a chance to respond and be kind.  Instead he did the complete opposite and used abandonment in an even worse way to hurt me.  I feel horrible and like everything he ever did for me was fake.  I am so glad I never told him I was falling in love with him because clearly he doesn’t feel the way I thought he did. 

Yesterday I was so angry.  I think if I’d seen that woman I would have wanted to cause her serious harm.  I know logically that it isn’t her fault but yeah, it’s not always hard to understand how jealousy can drive people to commit crimes.  It’s a good thing I’ve never had to meet her.

  As for him, I kinda wish I’d never met him too. I’ve spent the morning today, off and on, in tears.  I know I’ll get over it and be able to move on eventually and it does help that there are other men in the picture. I don’t know if at this point I could make up with him though.  I know I cannot have an open thing with someone who isn’t willing to do his part in helping make it easier on the both of us.  I feel like I’ve been treated like shit.  Again, it’s over her.  For some reason he could give me what I needed when it came to someone else, but not her.  I don’t understand at all. 

 

 

Sometimes sharing sucks!

sharing

Sharing someone you have feelings for is scary. It’s HARD knowing that person you care so much about is naked in bed with another person, maybe right now. It’s one thing to SAY you are theoretically “okay” with it and quite another to follow through with the experience of waiting while you know the person you’ve got it bad for is fucking another person and you have no idea or control over what is going on. Your imagination can run at full speed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for this.

I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about having a polyamorous orientation and acting as though some people just ARE and some aren’t. I’m really not so sure. If that’s the case, I don’t think I would qualify. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with different people, I do, but because when I develop feelings for someone my very natural inclination is to be exclusive with them, especially emotionally.

In order for me to swing or have sex with someone else when I’m deep in the throes of emotions with someone is honestly kind of difficult. So why do I do it?

For me, right now, (and this is always subject to change) I push myself to continue with other men because I can see the consequences ahead if I DON’T. I guess you can say I’m taking a logical approach to it all, even though this isn’t a brand of logic everyone would understand! I may appear to an outsider to be jumping on every cock I can because I’m out of control insanely horny and while there is some truth to the being horny part (lol) it’s a lot more calculated than it appears.

I look at it like this. I am falling in love with the Professor. I see it, I feel it, I know it’s coming, though I’m not at the point where I flat out tell him that yet, and I suspect he feels the same way about me. I know though, that “in love” is a temporary feeling. I know it doesn’t last forever, really for much of anyone. I’m not arguing that you can’t love a person forever. I’ll love my kids and my siblings forever, but that “in love” romantic feeling is fleeting.

I adore the Professor. I like him more and more all the time and feel increasingly affectionate towards him. Right now a big part of me wants him ALL TO MYSELF. Especially, when I’m lying there in bed with him or sharing incredible one on one sex. I also just really like him as a person. He’s wonderful. He listens to me and is supportive and sweet and kindhearted. Like anyone else, he’s not perfect but I can respect him and love spending time with him. He treats me well, probably better than any guy ever has in my life and I love that. Did I mention he’s GREAT in bed??

However, there are a couple of things here. We STARTED this relationship as swingers. Well, we met on a swinger site and the second night we spent together was fucking a bunch of other people. When I met him I already had a few guys in my life that I’m not totally willing to let go. I’m not currently “in love” with any of them but there are reasons I might not want to completely shut them out, especially the married man and the guy I had the affair with.

Some of those reasons are a bit shallow. The married man? How could I ever say no to sex like that? I just CAN’T. If you’ve ever had just totally incredible, mind blowing sex with someone maybe you’ll understand. Even though it’s been quite a while since he and I have gotten together, I don’t know if I’m EVER willing to completely shut that out as a possibility. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I love so much about the sex with the Professor that in some ways it is even better.

Emotionally it is INCREDIBLE, and he gives me tons of orgasms as well, but my experiences with the married guy were so out of this world amazing that the temptation to engage in that again would be SO STRONG. Honestly I don’t know how I could ever stop having sex with the Professor either but at least this way if one of them drops out of my life forever I still have the other.

The guy I had the affair with, well, that goes a bit deeper. We really don’t even talk much now but just knowing he is THERE and knowing if I ever need him he probably still will be, means a lot. I hope and think he feels the same way. We even missed out on seeing each other recently and we could have when I was in town and that was okay, but I’m not ready to write him off. There are things he understands and gets about me that very few people do, due to our shared experiences and friends and family, where we grew up, our relationships with all these people and the times he has been in my life.

Recently when I was home visiting and my mom asked me for money, only to turn around and use it to buy cigars so she could make blunts to share with my siblings, getting high while I was downstairs watching all the kids. Well, not a lot of people would know how I felt at that moment but he would. I texted the Professor and his response was “that’s crazy!!” Maybe it is, but not in my world. It’s typical behavior from my mom and the affair guy knows and understands because he deals with the same sort of thing with his dad and siblings too and is in a similar position to me in that regard. I appreciate being able to talk to the Professor as well, but it’s nice to be understood sometimes and that aspect of my friendship with Mr. Affair is inexplicable. He was there and helped me realize that my marriage was emotionally abusive and that I needed to get out, he knew me when I was a teenager and he knows and gets where I’m coming from because he’s been there too.

My fuck buddy or my FWB I could give up if I needed to, but I don’t have to. The nice part about being “poly” is that you can keep the people in your life that you want and don’t have to shut them out just because of someone new. I’m sure the Professor feels the same way about this married woman in his life. I’d personally like her to be gone, but because of the nature of our relationship I don’t push him to get rid of her.

Then there is the fact that a big part of our relationship is BASED on doing things like going to swinger parties together and the possibility of meeting with others for sex. I can’t deny that I enjoy the excitement of it all! I look forward to new adventures and at least it’s not boring! I also love being able to be real with one another about our sexual activities and not having to hide the fact that we are sleeping with anyone else. I love that I can have sex with another guy and he will still want me. It’s a new dimension of feeling accepted.

Not to say that any of that is easy, for either one of us, because it isn’t. Recently when I slept with my fuck buddy the Professor had a hard time, even though he had been with another woman at a party not too long before that. For a while afterwards he feels upset and sometimes angry with me, though he knows and admits it isn’t logical and that they are just feelings. He said it really bothered him when I said I missed him soon after having had sex with someone else and he doesn’t like to hear that on the same day. The truth is I really DID miss him but I do see how it could be upsetting even if hearing that would mostly be REASSURING to ME were the roles reversed.

Sex with another man, believe it or not, sometimes has that effect on me. It actually makes me want to reconnect and be with the Professor MORE because he is my favorite and the only person I am currently emotionally attached to. Even during our first swinger party, when we were sleeping with a bunch of others, the highlight of the event, for me, was getting to be back in his arms, with him inside me, as the grand finale! Already, we seemed to have that emotional bond.

All that said though, we both have been struggling with the sharing thing. As I said, it’s HARD when you are so into someone. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild or to be affected by hurt feelings and fear of loss. While it’s easy to say I don’t want to be monogamous, the actual practice of sharing your favorite lover is a real challenge sometimes.

Like recently the Professor was travelling to the city near where the married woman lives for a tournament game. He had plans to meet with her and it was really stressing me out. I tried to keep it to myself and push it out of my mind as much as possible but it was still affecting me.

They were gonna see each other on Saturday night and Thursday I was coming over to his house to be together. I tried and tried not to think about it but I feel like the sex was affected. Even though HE was doing everything right as usual, I had a much harder time orgasming with him. I WANTED to, especially because there is that impetus to outdo the competition, but I was struggling. It’s like I couldn’t completely let go and be as vulnerable with him as I usually am. I needed to put up a wall to protect myself from the possibility of hurt when he was with her. :/

Now don’t get me wrong, I still came a handful of times, but I also “missed” several orgasms. It was like I’d build up to that point and just couldn’t let myself open up all the way with him. We didn’t even make as much eye contact as usual and I think a lot of it was me and fear of what was to come. I don’t know how much of it was apparent to him but he did comment afterwards that I wasn’t quite as loud as “usual”. :/ We still had a great time and connected and laying with him afterwards, his arms wrapped protectively around me, was comforting, but still that lingering fear.

So when he headed out of town and I had decided to go up and visit my family (actually not too far from where he was) that weekend as well, I think both of us were a bit worried. He asked me several times about my plans to meet up with other men and both the married man and the guy I had the affair with live up that way so were possibilities.

At first the married woman had planned to spend the night with him in the hotel and I was so on edge it was driving me nuts. Sex was one thing, but sleeping in his arms afterwards is another. It was a painful reminder that they have been emotionally and not just sexually involved and also that I don’t get to stay overnight with him that often due to my ex not taking the kids usually for more than a few hours at a time.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept trying to take my mind off of it, focusing on my trip and other things but it wasn’t easy at all. It was because of this that I even considered seeing the other guys because I would actually be pretty busy between visiting family and taking care of my children. I wanted to have something to look forward to and to ease my mind off what HE was doing. Flirting and talking to them and discussing the possibility helped a little bit.

Thankfully though, at the last moment the married woman’s husband decided to pull the plug on their rendezvous. She had told the Professor that he was “acting funny” about it and I guess he changed his mind. Funny thing is last time he didn’t want them to play either. I have to wonder what is going on there. Part of me thinks if she REALLY wanted to she could either convince him or find a way to do it any way so it makes me wonder. Women do sometimes use their husbands as a “reason” for something they don’t want to do. Why she wouldn’t want to sleep with him though, is beyond me, so maybe it really is him. Maybe he doesn’t like the emotional things he sees going on with them either. She hasn’t come down to see HIM in months and they used to meet once a month, before I came on the scene and for a few months after.

Part of me felt bad for him for missing out on that opportunity, but at the same time I was relieved. I really didn’t want them to be together. To me she is the main threat to our relationship. I’d really kind of prefer she drop out of the picture all together but I’m not in a position to demand that since we are open and even if I was there is no guarantee. People are gonna do what they are gonna do, even if it means cheating, for a lot of folks. Might as well be up front and at least KNOW what the hell is going on instead of trying to cover things up.

So knowing that and due to my already full schedule I decided to opt out of spending time with either the married man or the affair guy. Not to mention because of time constraints either of those opportunities would have been short and maybe had to happen in the car, lol. I admit I am curious what the married guy could do during car sex though!! Haha I have a feeling he’d still make it pretty darn hot. When I mentioned the car thing to the Professor he was like “what, he’s too cheap to get a hotel?”

Yeah, he doesn’t like the other guys. :p The married guy, I think he could get a hotel but I know it’s more risky when you are married and you have to be careful not to let that stuff show up on statements where your spouse could see it. He’s told me before he has a separate account in another city that his wife doesn’t know about but he has to access it on a weekday and I hadn’t told him I was coming until the last minute. In any case, we didn’t meet. He called me on Sunday and I was too busy to answer the phone and didn’t call back because he’d said to make sure not to call or text unless he did first.

Oh and there is this little tidbit that has been freaking me out about Mr. Married guy lately. He is obsessed with the idea of getting me pregnant!! Now, he claims he would give me all kinds of money and let me live in his extra house and take care of everything, but he also asked me if I would be willing to give up the Professor for him, and all other guys. :/ I just don’t want to do THAT even as tempting as some of it sounds and trusting him to do what he says he will is a tad dubious at this point anyway. When I asked about his wife in all of this he said she wouldn’t ever have to find out. Yeaaaaah, I can’t see ANYTHING possibly going wrong there now, can you? :p

On that topic he told me recently that he came inside me the first time we had sex! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I am sure I would have been freaking out if I’d thought that was even remotely possible, so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what? He didn’t wear a condom, so it was pretty reckless in that regard but coming inside of me? Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw where he came but could he have cum another time and I didn’t know??

As far as the condom is concerned, I had told him beforehand that I was assuming he’d wear one but it was dark enough in the room that I couldn’t tell for sure at first if he was or not! He’d been going down on me and making me cum a lot beforehand and when he first slid in I was thinking OMG, is he going bareback? Usually I hate the feel of condoms but sometimes they aren’t as noticeable, still it was feeling awfully good!! Well halfway through or so when I went down on him I could tell for sure. Too late now and the sex was so incredible I didn’t even comment. Dangerous, yes, but I was SURE he pulled out.

Yeah, he’s really pushing the envelope. He keeps saying how he wanted to get me pregnant. What is it with men?? My fwb LOVES to joke about that too and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s “joking” or seriously joking, if you know what I mean. HE always wears a condom but loves to freak me out by doing things like dipping it in a time or two before putting it on to see my reaction. Men…. I thought they were the ones supposed to be so paranoid about pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

The guy I had the affair with, well, I have my suspicions about his current relationship status even though he claims to be single. Then again, he’s got the money so maybe he is just too cheap, at least for a short get together. He’s had me over to his house but it’s only during the day, on a weekday. Hmmmmm…. Ah well…

So anyway, I chose not to see them. Part of me was feeling a little bad for the Prof and not wanting him to hurt while I was off playing and his chance was ruined. I told you all I like him. :/ I think we both slept better that night knowing things were “safe” and we didn’t have to worry. I haven’t had a chance to see him yet since then (and am also on my period) but it will be interesting to see if the orgasming issue just disappears. I have a feeling it will.

Almost compersion…(but not quite)

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This weekend the Professor fucked someone else….and I didn’t even get upset at all. I’m kind of proud of myself! 🙂 This is usually hard for me so maybe I’m on my way to that enlightenment thing after all. 😉

There were several contributing factors that I think made it easier than times before but there were also some stumbling blocks that you would think would have made it difficult. Still I did okay despite it all. I never felt upset with him in the least and am actually slightly even happy that he did. Not jumping up and down happy, but glad that things seem more “fair” than they have the past few months when I’ve really been the only one playing (though he did go to two different swinger parties on his own he says he didn’t have sex with anyone there and he met up with his married friend and her husband recently but also due to circumstances they didn’t sleep together that time).

Anyhow, he was travelling for work and coaching in another city and state a few hours away from here. When he left he said he didn’t have any plans but he had a lot of extra free time in his schedule the day before their game so I was prepared that he might, and he promised to let me know. When he arrived he texted a picture of the suite he’d been set up with and I was thinking, yeah, that would be a shame to sit in a place like that by yourself all night alone…thinking he’d find something to do.

In any case, not long after he got there he texted to let me know he’d been invited to a house party (by some people off the swinger site). He said it would be 5-6 couples and a few single men. He was going to dinner first with the team and afterwards he’d go there. He’d never met any of the people previously. Chances were pretty good he’d end up having sex, though he said he didn’t know for sure.

Meanwhile, I was stuck at home. My kids Dad was out of town and not taking them this weekend, plus I was on my period. Stuck as a duck in quicksand. I didn’t complain though and just asked a few questions. He was very sweet and reassuring, which made me happy because I’ve asked for the reassurance in the past and not felt like I’ve gotten it from him. So even if it was just stuff he was saying to be nice it made me feel better.

Here’s a bit of our text conversation after he told me he’d been invited to the party (minus a few details of time and place/names):

Me: So is that what you are doing tonight?

Prof: I’m still gonna eat with my team. Then I’ll go after that

Me: Ok. Is that like a big orgy or what?

Prof: Is that ok?

Me: You are free to do whatever you want.

Prof: I don’t think so. But they didn’t say that. Most people coming they say they haven’t met.

Me: I’ve never been to a house party. I’m sure you’ll sleep with someone though.

Prof: Would be nice if you were with me though.

Me: Aw 🙂

Me: Miss you. Have fun ok? I’ll try not to stress.

Prof: Not necessarily. I’ve been to a couple but I’ve always known people there. So first time I won’t know anyone.

Prof: It’s hard for people to keep their hands off of you.

Me: Is XXXX a couple or a group that has parties?

Prof: Don’t stress at all. You’re freaking hot and you make me cum so hard.

Me: Oh, I’m sure they’ll have their hands all over you, lol

Prof: Just saying that’s not always the case.

Prof: Plus, you make me look good. 🙂

Me: LMAO. You look good on your own baby. 😉

Me: So will you text after you get back? Or whenever they leave if you bring someone back to your hotel?

Prof: Thanx. But people really want to fuck you!!! And I know why 😉

Me: 🙂 🙂 Thank you. They want to fuck you too, lol. And so do I. Miss you.

Prof: If you want me to I will. But I don’t plan on bringing anyone back because I’m 30 min away from them.

Prof: Well thanks, but guys are a dime a dozen. Miss you too.

I’ll spare you all the rest cause I was basically just reiterating please text me when you get back and he said he would and then later texted to tell me the restaurant name of where he was eating and that it reminded him of me. Then I didn’t hear from him for about 4 hours.

Meanwhile I discovered one of my children had HEAD LICE. OMG!! What an effing nightmare!!! SO, I set to work washing and checking heads on mine and random neighborhood kids that were staying the night. UGH, UGH, UGH!! Thankfully only two of mine had it and one has very short hair but yeah, I had to do like 20 loads of laundry and wash and rewash and pick and repick heads and attempt to do my own. I think we are all clear but I’ll be checking every day for at least a week. Yuck!

In any case that kept me busy and maybe was a bit of a blessing in disguise because I didn’t have much time to even think about what the Professor was doing.

When he finally texted later that night he said he had just played with one woman. They went into a bedroom to have sex and her husband watched. He said the party was fun and all the people were nice and social, that the woman was “ok” and that it “would have been more fun” if I had been there. I asked if he thought he’d play with her again and he said he didn’t know, he couldn’t even remember their names.

In any case, his sweetness towards ME made me feel like I didn’t have much to worry about, plus the fact that it seemed to be more of a casual thing and not someone he’s particularly into. So that helped. Probably a lot. I waited awhile to tell him what I’d been going through and he was appropriately sympathetic, lol. Nightmare!!

It’s been a couple days and I’m still not feeling bad about it or anything so I guess that’s good. I’m supposed to see him later in the week. I’m trying not to wonder things like how many hours they were together or what they did. That and I’ve mostly felt like it probably won’t change our relationship at all. I think that’s always a slight fear when someone you are into is with someone else. Is this going to make US any different or how he feels about ME? In this case I think not so it’s not so much of a threat.

I admit I did take a peek at his profile on the swinger site today, to see if the people had validated or said anything about him on there and out of curiosity as to who it was. I didn’t see anything though. Maybe that’s for the best. The more I know the more it COULD have the propensity to bother me or have me making those comparisons.

For now though, I’m ALMOST to that state of compersion. I said “almost”, don’t get too excited, lol. Also, I have some possible plans in the making with a guy halfway across the country who wants to fly me out for some fun soon. I’m not banking on anything for sure until I have the plane tickets but I did mention it to the Professor a couple of weeks ago, so that he would have ample time to make plans if I do. He wasn’t thrilled but said he understood why I would be eager to go on an all expenses paid little mini vacation when it’s offered to me! Anyway, if I do end up getting to do something like that I’ll be a little happier knowing that the Professor has had a chance to have some fun too and less afraid of hurting him.

That’s all for now folks! 🙂

Multiple Valentines, Django, 70’s porn and great sex

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I woke up Valentine’s Day morning to a text from the Married Man wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day and asking if I was naked. Clearly, he wanted pictures, which gave me a silly idea, lol. So I took a picture of my naked ass and said “here’s an upside down heart for you”. He liked that and of course wanted more. First though, I had to send a copy of my inverted Valentine to the rest of the guys on my list. I’m telling you, I’m a real romantic ;).

Now by “the rest of the guys” I only mean the other 4 that I’ve got on call for occasional sex, no matter how “occasional” some of them are. That means, the Professor, my fuck buddy, my fwb, and the guy I had the affair with. They are all privy to occasional naughty photos. I do have an exhibitionist streak, after all, that needs an outlet! In any case it started with that picture and got just a tad bit naughtier afterwards. 😉

I just loved their reactions. The married man, soon after, inquired whether or not I’d be willing to join him and his wife for a threesome. Now THAT sounded interesting! If there were someone I were going to have a threesome with he’d probably be my first choice. He’s good enough in bed, I am quite sure, for at LEAST two women at once, even if we weren’t touching each other. Hell, he’s probably good enough for 10 of us! LOL I AM NOT KIDDING!! He says he’s had a lot of FMF threesomes already and seriously, he’s like the Superman of Sex Gods.

What’s fascinating to me is that he seems to feel the same way about me! I have no idea why and can only attribute it to “chemistry”. I don’t feel like I do anything special in bed. Hell, I’m happy to let the guy do the vast majority of the work during sex so it always bewilders me when they tell me how “good” I am. Not that I mind that, just makes me wonder what I am good at, besides giving blow jobs. Laying there having orgasms? Haha… Don’t you know that’s what I specialize in? LMAO

The other day, he had actually asked me if I’d be willing to give up the Professor for him. What? LOL It was random since we haven’t seen each other for a while and I didn’t directly answer his question. I was like “is that what you want?” and he said he wanted me all to himself. I asked how come and his exact words were “I have had my share but I have never been with anyone and felt the way I do with you. Hell, I wanted to get you pregnant”. Yikes! LOL He actually did say all that when we were having sex, offered to let my kids and I live in his extra house rent free and said he would pay me 3,000 a month if I would have his baby and only sleep with him. Crazy! Though I admit it sounded terribly tempting for a while to this broke single mom! I didn’t know whether to take him seriously at the time but apparently he’s still thinking along those lines. WOW. I mean on one hand it would be like a dream come true but there are just so many ways it could fall through.

Anyhow, I’m not emotionally attached to him and I also don’t feel any jealousy towards his wife. I just don’t. She’s very pretty but she is his WIFE and I do respect that enough that it wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t feel like I were getting as much attention during a threesome. I got to thinking about it all and was like yeah, that actually would be kind of ideal. Hmmm…that could be fun!

Of course, I don’t think he’d actually bothered to ask HER what her opinion was on this, haha. I was like “what does your wife think about that??” She did, after all, catch him sexting with me once and he had warned me not to answer my phone for any calls from his area code. He said he’d have to get back with me on that and I guess she either said no or he didn’t ask because he told me later it wasn’t probably going to happen this weekend. I was wondering about that anyway, I mean, Valentine’s Day? Would he really ask her such a thing on that day? Of all the days of the year? Men….smdh… So I wasn’t too terribly disappointed or anything, but it was an interesting request.

My fuck buddy was a sweetheart. He asked me who my Valentine was and I said I didn’t really have one and he was like “me neither” but we flirted a bit over text. Not too much though. Kinda felt like I was neglecting him but I couldn’t have met up with him anyway. Most of my day was actually spent celebrating with my kids.

The fwb and guy I had the affair with both said they missed me and want to meet up again soon. Awwww… Especially the guy I had the affair with, I’m not really sure what has happened with us. I guess we both just lost interest in keeping up with the day to day stuff with one another and rarely talk anymore. The last time we had sex wasn’t even that great. Still, on some level I do still miss him and he says he misses me A LOT and wants to see me again.

It’s interesting. Our relationship seems like it has been a back and forth power grab in a lot of ways, with one or the other of us always being the one that was more invested than the other. When I started seeing the Professor I think I just lost the will to play that game with him anymore. Still, we’ve known each other since we were young and there are things that we understand about each other that no one else seems to get. I doubt I’d ever toss him out for good and I’m pretty sure he feels the same about me, even if it’s something we’d pick up again 10 years down the road. You just never know!

The Professor, for Valentine’s Day, dropped off a heart shaped box of chocolates on my doorstep. Not a huge or especially thought out gift, but it was something. I guess the point was to show he cared and not send out the wrong message at the same time and I think in that he did a pretty good job. I was happy anyway. I also had a box of chocolates for him so I later brought that by his place along with dinner. I had made steak, baked potatoes and Caesar salad for the kids and I and thought it would be nice to give him some too. He seemed pretty appreciative and excited about that anyway! 🙂

Anyhow, I was more flattered that he took me out on a date and to a movie last night, than about Valentine’s day, when obviously everyone feels obligated. Last night he took me to see Django. That might be on the list of top movies not to take your interracial date to, but hey, we had fun. Haha… I’m playing, it was a thought provoking movie. Mostly in the sense that I feel I need to check up on the historical accuracy of some of the stuff I saw in the film because some of it was really disturbing.

Django-Unchained-character-posters

It’s always horrible to be confronted with the capability some folks throughout history have had for treating other human beings in such an inhumane fashion. I think some would say it was much WORSE than the film portrayed and others would question the validity of some of the practices shown. In any case there were some scenes that could cause me nightmares. I was covering my face through some of it and the Professor was even doing it for me at one point and said he’d tell me when it was okay to look, lol. Not quite the “date” kind of thriller but hey, I was holding onto him for sure.

Don’t get me wrong there were lighthearted and funny moments too. At some parts, the Professor said he was afraid to laugh too loud, lol, but I totally get it. I am used to some inappropriate joking about stuff like that. Heck my baby brother, who is biracial, loves to make jokes directed at “white people” towards me. Like we’d be sitting there flipping channels on the tv and Mississippi Burning would come on and he’d be like “Look Lovergirl! It’s your favorite movie!” and I’d pretend to get all excited and cheer them on (and it would end up in a pillow fight). Soooo irreverent, but sometimes making jokes out of totally awful stuff does make it seem a little easier to take and we need a little reprieve from the cruelty of human nature. I think the film itself, whether it was historically accurate or not aside, was well acted and definitely kept your attention. It was almost 3 hours and I’m not a person that can normally sit through an entire movie like that.

Some of the musical choices were interesting too and at one point the Professor was like “this sounds straight out of a 70’s porn”. So of course, after he took me out to a late night diner for a treat after the movie, we went home to his place to look at 70’s porn and “listen to the music” haha. I guess you need some sort of diversion before having sex after watching something like that!

We watched some 70’s porn then decided to have a little fun ourselves in his bedroom. Mmmm… I can never get enough of sex with him. It’s just SO GOOD! He’s much more of a romantic love-maker than a rough type but I LOVE it! He’s perfect!! He makes me cum again and again and again. It’s just so intimate and he is very creative. I never know what to expect next. Plus, his voice, the things he says to me in bed really turn me on like crazy. He always cums really hard and he’s amazing afterwards and loves to cuddle and be all close with me. Like the perfect man!! LOL I mean it!! I love being in his bedroom…

Really, the more I get to know him the more I really like him. Did I mention he sings?? OMG, I am a total sucker for a man who can sing. I love a sexy voice. Just LOVE it. He used to sing in show choir as a kid and I love listening to him belt out a song. He’s only recently started singing for me. 🙂 ::: SWOON :::

The Professor is also a giver, in and out of the bedroom and it’s rare to come across a guy like that who is not a pushover. I’m really the same way so it’s nice to be with someone who reciprocates. We may have occasional issues with the polyamory stuff but I am glad overall, that we are doing this and hopefully can get better at sharing, lol. I like the excitement of it all but at the same time it’s so hard not to want him all to myself. I’m trying to remind myself of the wisdom of simply letting the relationship be what it is and not trying to demand more. It really is great AS IS and if I can let go of worrying when he is with another woman or that he will abandon me things would go much more smoothly. I think the same can be said of him because on one hand he wants to have freedom but it’s also hard for him to share ME. It can be so hard to let go of those hardwired monogamy ideals, but until next time…wish me luck! 🙂

Ken and Barbie go to a party….

gijoe

This weekend the Professor and I went to another swinger party. It was held in a strip club that had been privately reserved, had much better music and a full service bar. These particular parties are known by local swingers as the “Ken and Barbie” parties. You have to pass the attractiveness test by sending the hosts a photo and they are more expensive than the others. A lot of people come in from out of town. I was surprised that so many were from so far away. We’ve decided it must be due to the anonymity factor of being out of their hometowns.

Anyhow, we attended the Valentines party and the atmosphere was great. Strip poles everywhere, halfway open booths where people were later getting busy, a sex swing room with mirrors, black light with little colored lights bouncing around, pulsating music, XXX movies playing in the background and lots of great looking people aged 25-50 or so. The huge (pardon my pun) difference was that there were hardly ANY overweight folks at all, a stark contrast to some of the other parties we’ve been to.

Maybe it was the black lights that made them stand out so much but there did seem to be a preponderance of bleach blonde women with long, Barbie like hair, lol. Some of them were wearing lingerie, some in casual date wear and others were dressed to the nines in little black dresses and diamond necklaces. One tall brunette was in a tutu. Others were topless or even naked and dancing around the stripper poles when we came in. Me, I was wearing a red, velvety, sleeveless, backless top with a ruffle that wrapped around the neck and down the front of the shirt on both sides, skintight black leggings, knee- high, black, leather, boots, big fake diamond earrings and a chunky gold bracelet. My hair was down, long and flowing. Underneath was a strapless black bra and red and black lace panties with a little fake diamond heart on the side. The Professor was dressed similarly to most of the men there, in nice dress slacks and a button down (yeah they have it easy, lol). One guy was wearing this sleeveless Chip’ n Dale style tuxedo top, but I’m pretty sure he was the only one, haha.

Compared to the other parties we’ve been to, this was definitely the hip spot to be and it was right here in town. Single men aren’t allowed so the Professor had never been with this particular group either, though he knew a few people there. The first couple we ran into was a woman he’d had sex with previously. She was actually really nice and they emailed later inviting us to meet with them together. I’m unsure, because, while her husband was nice enough, I’m not sure he’s really a person I’d want to sleep with.

Sometimes I think for me to swing I really would have to drop my standards quite a bit just for the experience. Even at the very first party where we had sex with a couple other couples I can’t say I was super into the men, they just were “okay” and not UN-attractive or gross or anything. I’ve told the Professor I’m okay with that sometimes but he’s said I don’t have to do anything I don’t really want to and he won’t push.

In any case we ran into a couple that we had met before at a previous party (one I didn’t write about). At that party, the Professor had been into the woman but I just couldn’t go there with the man. He was not attractive to me at all and when I danced with him he spent the whole time talking about his wife and how beautiful he thought she was and how hard it was for him to share her. All I could think was “poor guy” and wasn’t really attracted. After all, he wasn’t doing anything to indicate a real interest in ME other than telling me how great it was to get to dance with another woman. I wasn’t all that excited about hearing him ramble on about HER, even if it was sweet that he felt that way about his wife.

They were new at swinging at the time and that was about 4 months ago. Well, lo and behold they had found another “perfect” couple to swap with and were clearly deep in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy, for those who aren’t aware of the term- basically it is the infatuation people tend to feel at the beginning that eventually fades off). In fact, I almost didn’t recognize the man because he was with a pretty new blonde and by the way they were acting you’d think THEY were the husband and wife, same with his wife and the other man. Cute. He looked different too, like more attractive (though still not my type). I guess you could say they were “glowing”. His wife and her new beau were the same way. Previously I hadn’t been able to get why the Professor found her appealing at all but now it made a little more sense.

According to them they’d spent the night before swapping in their own home while their six children were sleeping. Yikes.. They said they had to get up and switch early in the morning so no kids would find them in the wrong bed. A little too close for comfort for me I guess. I’ve never even brought a man over for sex when my children were in the home other than when my daughter was under two years old and fast asleep.
Anyhow the Professor really seemed to like the new blonde as well. I can’t say I blame him, she was pretty and fun. She also made sure to mention to me when he wasn’t within earshot that they were not looking to play with anyone other than each other that night and were just hanging out to socialize. So I knew, even if the Professor didn’t, that wasn’t a real possibility.

Also, out of his earshot, the guy says to me that he really thinks the Professor and I should have a couples profile on the swinger website since we are there so often together. He was telling me this as though it was my responsibility to do so, which I found a bit annoying. I mean, for me to insist on that would make me look like I am pushing a type of relationship that the Professor may not even want, upon him. Ugh. I mean, I don’t even know what to do about Valentine’s Day tomorrow at this point. We are not a “couple” technically, though he is the main guy I see. I’m totally waiting it out. I feel like any displays of “relationship” behavior need to start with him.

Eventually during the night I did end up making out with her, at the Professors encouragement. He was behind me and touching and fingering the both of us as we kissed and touched each other. It was fun until, out of the blue, she pinched my nipple really hard. Ouch!! WTF? I laughed it off but yeah, I didn’t like that at all. I have really sensitive nipples and am not into anything rough with them. I think she thought it was fun or sexy but totally not my thing!

Probably the most interesting couple we ran into that night though was a woman who is only a couple of years younger than me but has known the Professor since she was in the 8th grade. He didn’t coach her team because she played another sport but she has known him half her life as a coach and also attended the college he works at now. I’m sure running into him at her first swinger party was interesting to say the least! I asked her, when the guys stepped away to go to the bar, if she was in shock and she was like “OMG!!! YES!!! HAHAHA!!!”

She and I hit it off pretty well and she kept saying to him “Oh MY GOD, I just love her!!! She looks so innocent!!” (Yeah, yeah) I was like “don’t worry, I’m NOT, haha”. When he stepped away she told me he’s really a great guy. That’s not the first time a woman that has known him in some capacity outside of sex has said that to me about him either. Awwww….

So anyhow the Professor was obviously pretty excited about this all. You could tell he would REALLY like to hook up with her. He was suggesting to me that I should make out with her and at one point we did. Also, her husband was HOT. He had an accent and looked like he might be Russian or something. Green eyes, light brown hair, chiseled model like features and he obviously worked out! Still he was a little more quiet than she was so didn’t get to know him as much.

The only other guy that stood out to me at the party was the DJ, who was the only other black man there besides the Professor and he was pretty dang cute but I never got a chance to talk to him. Not long after we got there the Professor had pulled me aside to mention he’d seen that guy and that I had his “permission” to flirt but he never let me out of his sight or near the guy so it didn’t happen, lol.

Anyhow, back to this girl the Professor already knew. Yeah, he was really interested in her and to be honest, even though I liked and enjoyed being with her too I was a little bit intimidated. She was super cute and very athletic, but tiny. She was barely 5 feet tall though she had on 6 inch heels so that made her seem taller, had big blue eyes, with tiny little features and dark brown hair. She’d obviously never had children.

This woman is a personal trainer as one of her side jobs and has a stripper pole in her living room. She knew all kinds of tricks and was up there on the pole doing acrobatic, hanging upside down shit that I’d never even attempt to try, at least at this point, lol. Actually, I’d never even seen anyone work a stripper pole before in my life. I’d never been in a strip club and have only seen little tidbits, on like, the Jerry Springer show, ha! I rarely even watch tv, let alone stuff like that.

Anyhow, she was trying to get me to come up and dance on the pole with her and I was all oh Hell no, but what can I say, I finally let myself be convinced. She was whispering to me not to worry about it the guys were all hammered anyway and wouldn’t know the difference. SO, in my somewhat vodka and cranberry- induced state I agreed and she promised to help me out so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself, lol. True to her word she was talking quietly to me through her teeth the entire time giving instructions and I think I did okay. 😉 We managed to stay in sync anyway. There was a crowd of people watching and we were right in front of the DJ- damn, I would have liked to have talked to him too! Ah well…

Afterwards she was like “see, you’re a natural!” and I don’t know about all that, but I did have fun. We were playing around and acting sexual with each other and eventually kissed and made out, which of course the Professor loved. He was there holding me then too. At one point she slapped me really hard on the ass though. What the hell is it with these aggressive women? Haha Damn….

So he starts telling her that I am really submissive in bed, which is true and she says she is more of a domme. Whatever, we all have our own preferences but I admit it left me wondering, because he seemed so interested in her, if that isn’t something he would like better.

Actually, I was starting to compare myself in a LOT of ways, which was really hard not to do and not to feel insecure about things he may like better about her than me. It makes me wonder if I’d be able to handle the swapping after all, if we got down to it, because I’d also worry since they’ve known each other a long time that he would fall in love with her or vice versa. I’m trying to get past that though. I know it’s not good to compare myself it’s just hard sometimes. Help! 😦

He exchanged numbers with her husband and I was worried that maybe he was gonna try to hook up with them on his own sometime but he’s since said stuff that lets me know he would at least want to include me. I guess that doesn’t mean he always would but it’s a start. He commented that the guy was decent looking and it’s true that that is rarely the case!

We didn’t hook up with anyone that night other than each other, but there are a couple possibilities for the future. We also went home to his place and had really hot sex with each other, after watching some other couples at the club. So all in all it wasn’t a bad experience at all and we had a good time and met some fun people. Looking forward to more adventures soon! 😉

kenandbarbie