Tag Archive | nonmonogamy

Sometimes sharing sucks!

sharing

Sharing someone you have feelings for is scary. It’s HARD knowing that person you care so much about is naked in bed with another person, maybe right now. It’s one thing to SAY you are theoretically “okay” with it and quite another to follow through with the experience of waiting while you know the person you’ve got it bad for is fucking another person and you have no idea or control over what is going on. Your imagination can run at full speed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for this.

I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about having a polyamorous orientation and acting as though some people just ARE and some aren’t. I’m really not so sure. If that’s the case, I don’t think I would qualify. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with different people, I do, but because when I develop feelings for someone my very natural inclination is to be exclusive with them, especially emotionally.

In order for me to swing or have sex with someone else when I’m deep in the throes of emotions with someone is honestly kind of difficult. So why do I do it?

For me, right now, (and this is always subject to change) I push myself to continue with other men because I can see the consequences ahead if I DON’T. I guess you can say I’m taking a logical approach to it all, even though this isn’t a brand of logic everyone would understand! I may appear to an outsider to be jumping on every cock I can because I’m out of control insanely horny and while there is some truth to the being horny part (lol) it’s a lot more calculated than it appears.

I look at it like this. I am falling in love with the Professor. I see it, I feel it, I know it’s coming, though I’m not at the point where I flat out tell him that yet, and I suspect he feels the same way about me. I know though, that “in love” is a temporary feeling. I know it doesn’t last forever, really for much of anyone. I’m not arguing that you can’t love a person forever. I’ll love my kids and my siblings forever, but that “in love” romantic feeling is fleeting.

I adore the Professor. I like him more and more all the time and feel increasingly affectionate towards him. Right now a big part of me wants him ALL TO MYSELF. Especially, when I’m lying there in bed with him or sharing incredible one on one sex. I also just really like him as a person. He’s wonderful. He listens to me and is supportive and sweet and kindhearted. Like anyone else, he’s not perfect but I can respect him and love spending time with him. He treats me well, probably better than any guy ever has in my life and I love that. Did I mention he’s GREAT in bed??

However, there are a couple of things here. We STARTED this relationship as swingers. Well, we met on a swinger site and the second night we spent together was fucking a bunch of other people. When I met him I already had a few guys in my life that I’m not totally willing to let go. I’m not currently “in love” with any of them but there are reasons I might not want to completely shut them out, especially the married man and the guy I had the affair with.

Some of those reasons are a bit shallow. The married man? How could I ever say no to sex like that? I just CAN’T. If you’ve ever had just totally incredible, mind blowing sex with someone maybe you’ll understand. Even though it’s been quite a while since he and I have gotten together, I don’t know if I’m EVER willing to completely shut that out as a possibility. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I love so much about the sex with the Professor that in some ways it is even better.

Emotionally it is INCREDIBLE, and he gives me tons of orgasms as well, but my experiences with the married guy were so out of this world amazing that the temptation to engage in that again would be SO STRONG. Honestly I don’t know how I could ever stop having sex with the Professor either but at least this way if one of them drops out of my life forever I still have the other.

The guy I had the affair with, well, that goes a bit deeper. We really don’t even talk much now but just knowing he is THERE and knowing if I ever need him he probably still will be, means a lot. I hope and think he feels the same way. We even missed out on seeing each other recently and we could have when I was in town and that was okay, but I’m not ready to write him off. There are things he understands and gets about me that very few people do, due to our shared experiences and friends and family, where we grew up, our relationships with all these people and the times he has been in my life.

Recently when I was home visiting and my mom asked me for money, only to turn around and use it to buy cigars so she could make blunts to share with my siblings, getting high while I was downstairs watching all the kids. Well, not a lot of people would know how I felt at that moment but he would. I texted the Professor and his response was “that’s crazy!!” Maybe it is, but not in my world. It’s typical behavior from my mom and the affair guy knows and understands because he deals with the same sort of thing with his dad and siblings too and is in a similar position to me in that regard. I appreciate being able to talk to the Professor as well, but it’s nice to be understood sometimes and that aspect of my friendship with Mr. Affair is inexplicable. He was there and helped me realize that my marriage was emotionally abusive and that I needed to get out, he knew me when I was a teenager and he knows and gets where I’m coming from because he’s been there too.

My fuck buddy or my FWB I could give up if I needed to, but I don’t have to. The nice part about being “poly” is that you can keep the people in your life that you want and don’t have to shut them out just because of someone new. I’m sure the Professor feels the same way about this married woman in his life. I’d personally like her to be gone, but because of the nature of our relationship I don’t push him to get rid of her.

Then there is the fact that a big part of our relationship is BASED on doing things like going to swinger parties together and the possibility of meeting with others for sex. I can’t deny that I enjoy the excitement of it all! I look forward to new adventures and at least it’s not boring! I also love being able to be real with one another about our sexual activities and not having to hide the fact that we are sleeping with anyone else. I love that I can have sex with another guy and he will still want me. It’s a new dimension of feeling accepted.

Not to say that any of that is easy, for either one of us, because it isn’t. Recently when I slept with my fuck buddy the Professor had a hard time, even though he had been with another woman at a party not too long before that. For a while afterwards he feels upset and sometimes angry with me, though he knows and admits it isn’t logical and that they are just feelings. He said it really bothered him when I said I missed him soon after having had sex with someone else and he doesn’t like to hear that on the same day. The truth is I really DID miss him but I do see how it could be upsetting even if hearing that would mostly be REASSURING to ME were the roles reversed.

Sex with another man, believe it or not, sometimes has that effect on me. It actually makes me want to reconnect and be with the Professor MORE because he is my favorite and the only person I am currently emotionally attached to. Even during our first swinger party, when we were sleeping with a bunch of others, the highlight of the event, for me, was getting to be back in his arms, with him inside me, as the grand finale! Already, we seemed to have that emotional bond.

All that said though, we both have been struggling with the sharing thing. As I said, it’s HARD when you are so into someone. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild or to be affected by hurt feelings and fear of loss. While it’s easy to say I don’t want to be monogamous, the actual practice of sharing your favorite lover is a real challenge sometimes.

Like recently the Professor was travelling to the city near where the married woman lives for a tournament game. He had plans to meet with her and it was really stressing me out. I tried to keep it to myself and push it out of my mind as much as possible but it was still affecting me.

They were gonna see each other on Saturday night and Thursday I was coming over to his house to be together. I tried and tried not to think about it but I feel like the sex was affected. Even though HE was doing everything right as usual, I had a much harder time orgasming with him. I WANTED to, especially because there is that impetus to outdo the competition, but I was struggling. It’s like I couldn’t completely let go and be as vulnerable with him as I usually am. I needed to put up a wall to protect myself from the possibility of hurt when he was with her. :/

Now don’t get me wrong, I still came a handful of times, but I also “missed” several orgasms. It was like I’d build up to that point and just couldn’t let myself open up all the way with him. We didn’t even make as much eye contact as usual and I think a lot of it was me and fear of what was to come. I don’t know how much of it was apparent to him but he did comment afterwards that I wasn’t quite as loud as “usual”. :/ We still had a great time and connected and laying with him afterwards, his arms wrapped protectively around me, was comforting, but still that lingering fear.

So when he headed out of town and I had decided to go up and visit my family (actually not too far from where he was) that weekend as well, I think both of us were a bit worried. He asked me several times about my plans to meet up with other men and both the married man and the guy I had the affair with live up that way so were possibilities.

At first the married woman had planned to spend the night with him in the hotel and I was so on edge it was driving me nuts. Sex was one thing, but sleeping in his arms afterwards is another. It was a painful reminder that they have been emotionally and not just sexually involved and also that I don’t get to stay overnight with him that often due to my ex not taking the kids usually for more than a few hours at a time.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept trying to take my mind off of it, focusing on my trip and other things but it wasn’t easy at all. It was because of this that I even considered seeing the other guys because I would actually be pretty busy between visiting family and taking care of my children. I wanted to have something to look forward to and to ease my mind off what HE was doing. Flirting and talking to them and discussing the possibility helped a little bit.

Thankfully though, at the last moment the married woman’s husband decided to pull the plug on their rendezvous. She had told the Professor that he was “acting funny” about it and I guess he changed his mind. Funny thing is last time he didn’t want them to play either. I have to wonder what is going on there. Part of me thinks if she REALLY wanted to she could either convince him or find a way to do it any way so it makes me wonder. Women do sometimes use their husbands as a “reason” for something they don’t want to do. Why she wouldn’t want to sleep with him though, is beyond me, so maybe it really is him. Maybe he doesn’t like the emotional things he sees going on with them either. She hasn’t come down to see HIM in months and they used to meet once a month, before I came on the scene and for a few months after.

Part of me felt bad for him for missing out on that opportunity, but at the same time I was relieved. I really didn’t want them to be together. To me she is the main threat to our relationship. I’d really kind of prefer she drop out of the picture all together but I’m not in a position to demand that since we are open and even if I was there is no guarantee. People are gonna do what they are gonna do, even if it means cheating, for a lot of folks. Might as well be up front and at least KNOW what the hell is going on instead of trying to cover things up.

So knowing that and due to my already full schedule I decided to opt out of spending time with either the married man or the affair guy. Not to mention because of time constraints either of those opportunities would have been short and maybe had to happen in the car, lol. I admit I am curious what the married guy could do during car sex though!! Haha I have a feeling he’d still make it pretty darn hot. When I mentioned the car thing to the Professor he was like “what, he’s too cheap to get a hotel?”

Yeah, he doesn’t like the other guys. :p The married guy, I think he could get a hotel but I know it’s more risky when you are married and you have to be careful not to let that stuff show up on statements where your spouse could see it. He’s told me before he has a separate account in another city that his wife doesn’t know about but he has to access it on a weekday and I hadn’t told him I was coming until the last minute. In any case, we didn’t meet. He called me on Sunday and I was too busy to answer the phone and didn’t call back because he’d said to make sure not to call or text unless he did first.

Oh and there is this little tidbit that has been freaking me out about Mr. Married guy lately. He is obsessed with the idea of getting me pregnant!! Now, he claims he would give me all kinds of money and let me live in his extra house and take care of everything, but he also asked me if I would be willing to give up the Professor for him, and all other guys. :/ I just don’t want to do THAT even as tempting as some of it sounds and trusting him to do what he says he will is a tad dubious at this point anyway. When I asked about his wife in all of this he said she wouldn’t ever have to find out. Yeaaaaah, I can’t see ANYTHING possibly going wrong there now, can you? :p

On that topic he told me recently that he came inside me the first time we had sex! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I am sure I would have been freaking out if I’d thought that was even remotely possible, so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what? He didn’t wear a condom, so it was pretty reckless in that regard but coming inside of me? Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw where he came but could he have cum another time and I didn’t know??

As far as the condom is concerned, I had told him beforehand that I was assuming he’d wear one but it was dark enough in the room that I couldn’t tell for sure at first if he was or not! He’d been going down on me and making me cum a lot beforehand and when he first slid in I was thinking OMG, is he going bareback? Usually I hate the feel of condoms but sometimes they aren’t as noticeable, still it was feeling awfully good!! Well halfway through or so when I went down on him I could tell for sure. Too late now and the sex was so incredible I didn’t even comment. Dangerous, yes, but I was SURE he pulled out.

Yeah, he’s really pushing the envelope. He keeps saying how he wanted to get me pregnant. What is it with men?? My fwb LOVES to joke about that too and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s “joking” or seriously joking, if you know what I mean. HE always wears a condom but loves to freak me out by doing things like dipping it in a time or two before putting it on to see my reaction. Men…. I thought they were the ones supposed to be so paranoid about pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

The guy I had the affair with, well, I have my suspicions about his current relationship status even though he claims to be single. Then again, he’s got the money so maybe he is just too cheap, at least for a short get together. He’s had me over to his house but it’s only during the day, on a weekday. Hmmmmm…. Ah well…

So anyway, I chose not to see them. Part of me was feeling a little bad for the Prof and not wanting him to hurt while I was off playing and his chance was ruined. I told you all I like him. :/ I think we both slept better that night knowing things were “safe” and we didn’t have to worry. I haven’t had a chance to see him yet since then (and am also on my period) but it will be interesting to see if the orgasming issue just disappears. I have a feeling it will.

Multiple Valentines, Django, 70’s porn and great sex

men-fight-over-woman

I woke up Valentine’s Day morning to a text from the Married Man wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day and asking if I was naked. Clearly, he wanted pictures, which gave me a silly idea, lol. So I took a picture of my naked ass and said “here’s an upside down heart for you”. He liked that and of course wanted more. First though, I had to send a copy of my inverted Valentine to the rest of the guys on my list. I’m telling you, I’m a real romantic ;).

Now by “the rest of the guys” I only mean the other 4 that I’ve got on call for occasional sex, no matter how “occasional” some of them are. That means, the Professor, my fuck buddy, my fwb, and the guy I had the affair with. They are all privy to occasional naughty photos. I do have an exhibitionist streak, after all, that needs an outlet! In any case it started with that picture and got just a tad bit naughtier afterwards. 😉

I just loved their reactions. The married man, soon after, inquired whether or not I’d be willing to join him and his wife for a threesome. Now THAT sounded interesting! If there were someone I were going to have a threesome with he’d probably be my first choice. He’s good enough in bed, I am quite sure, for at LEAST two women at once, even if we weren’t touching each other. Hell, he’s probably good enough for 10 of us! LOL I AM NOT KIDDING!! He says he’s had a lot of FMF threesomes already and seriously, he’s like the Superman of Sex Gods.

What’s fascinating to me is that he seems to feel the same way about me! I have no idea why and can only attribute it to “chemistry”. I don’t feel like I do anything special in bed. Hell, I’m happy to let the guy do the vast majority of the work during sex so it always bewilders me when they tell me how “good” I am. Not that I mind that, just makes me wonder what I am good at, besides giving blow jobs. Laying there having orgasms? Haha… Don’t you know that’s what I specialize in? LMAO

The other day, he had actually asked me if I’d be willing to give up the Professor for him. What? LOL It was random since we haven’t seen each other for a while and I didn’t directly answer his question. I was like “is that what you want?” and he said he wanted me all to himself. I asked how come and his exact words were “I have had my share but I have never been with anyone and felt the way I do with you. Hell, I wanted to get you pregnant”. Yikes! LOL He actually did say all that when we were having sex, offered to let my kids and I live in his extra house rent free and said he would pay me 3,000 a month if I would have his baby and only sleep with him. Crazy! Though I admit it sounded terribly tempting for a while to this broke single mom! I didn’t know whether to take him seriously at the time but apparently he’s still thinking along those lines. WOW. I mean on one hand it would be like a dream come true but there are just so many ways it could fall through.

Anyhow, I’m not emotionally attached to him and I also don’t feel any jealousy towards his wife. I just don’t. She’s very pretty but she is his WIFE and I do respect that enough that it wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t feel like I were getting as much attention during a threesome. I got to thinking about it all and was like yeah, that actually would be kind of ideal. Hmmm…that could be fun!

Of course, I don’t think he’d actually bothered to ask HER what her opinion was on this, haha. I was like “what does your wife think about that??” She did, after all, catch him sexting with me once and he had warned me not to answer my phone for any calls from his area code. He said he’d have to get back with me on that and I guess she either said no or he didn’t ask because he told me later it wasn’t probably going to happen this weekend. I was wondering about that anyway, I mean, Valentine’s Day? Would he really ask her such a thing on that day? Of all the days of the year? Men….smdh… So I wasn’t too terribly disappointed or anything, but it was an interesting request.

My fuck buddy was a sweetheart. He asked me who my Valentine was and I said I didn’t really have one and he was like “me neither” but we flirted a bit over text. Not too much though. Kinda felt like I was neglecting him but I couldn’t have met up with him anyway. Most of my day was actually spent celebrating with my kids.

The fwb and guy I had the affair with both said they missed me and want to meet up again soon. Awwww… Especially the guy I had the affair with, I’m not really sure what has happened with us. I guess we both just lost interest in keeping up with the day to day stuff with one another and rarely talk anymore. The last time we had sex wasn’t even that great. Still, on some level I do still miss him and he says he misses me A LOT and wants to see me again.

It’s interesting. Our relationship seems like it has been a back and forth power grab in a lot of ways, with one or the other of us always being the one that was more invested than the other. When I started seeing the Professor I think I just lost the will to play that game with him anymore. Still, we’ve known each other since we were young and there are things that we understand about each other that no one else seems to get. I doubt I’d ever toss him out for good and I’m pretty sure he feels the same about me, even if it’s something we’d pick up again 10 years down the road. You just never know!

The Professor, for Valentine’s Day, dropped off a heart shaped box of chocolates on my doorstep. Not a huge or especially thought out gift, but it was something. I guess the point was to show he cared and not send out the wrong message at the same time and I think in that he did a pretty good job. I was happy anyway. I also had a box of chocolates for him so I later brought that by his place along with dinner. I had made steak, baked potatoes and Caesar salad for the kids and I and thought it would be nice to give him some too. He seemed pretty appreciative and excited about that anyway! 🙂

Anyhow, I was more flattered that he took me out on a date and to a movie last night, than about Valentine’s day, when obviously everyone feels obligated. Last night he took me to see Django. That might be on the list of top movies not to take your interracial date to, but hey, we had fun. Haha… I’m playing, it was a thought provoking movie. Mostly in the sense that I feel I need to check up on the historical accuracy of some of the stuff I saw in the film because some of it was really disturbing.

Django-Unchained-character-posters

It’s always horrible to be confronted with the capability some folks throughout history have had for treating other human beings in such an inhumane fashion. I think some would say it was much WORSE than the film portrayed and others would question the validity of some of the practices shown. In any case there were some scenes that could cause me nightmares. I was covering my face through some of it and the Professor was even doing it for me at one point and said he’d tell me when it was okay to look, lol. Not quite the “date” kind of thriller but hey, I was holding onto him for sure.

Don’t get me wrong there were lighthearted and funny moments too. At some parts, the Professor said he was afraid to laugh too loud, lol, but I totally get it. I am used to some inappropriate joking about stuff like that. Heck my baby brother, who is biracial, loves to make jokes directed at “white people” towards me. Like we’d be sitting there flipping channels on the tv and Mississippi Burning would come on and he’d be like “Look Lovergirl! It’s your favorite movie!” and I’d pretend to get all excited and cheer them on (and it would end up in a pillow fight). Soooo irreverent, but sometimes making jokes out of totally awful stuff does make it seem a little easier to take and we need a little reprieve from the cruelty of human nature. I think the film itself, whether it was historically accurate or not aside, was well acted and definitely kept your attention. It was almost 3 hours and I’m not a person that can normally sit through an entire movie like that.

Some of the musical choices were interesting too and at one point the Professor was like “this sounds straight out of a 70’s porn”. So of course, after he took me out to a late night diner for a treat after the movie, we went home to his place to look at 70’s porn and “listen to the music” haha. I guess you need some sort of diversion before having sex after watching something like that!

We watched some 70’s porn then decided to have a little fun ourselves in his bedroom. Mmmm… I can never get enough of sex with him. It’s just SO GOOD! He’s much more of a romantic love-maker than a rough type but I LOVE it! He’s perfect!! He makes me cum again and again and again. It’s just so intimate and he is very creative. I never know what to expect next. Plus, his voice, the things he says to me in bed really turn me on like crazy. He always cums really hard and he’s amazing afterwards and loves to cuddle and be all close with me. Like the perfect man!! LOL I mean it!! I love being in his bedroom…

Really, the more I get to know him the more I really like him. Did I mention he sings?? OMG, I am a total sucker for a man who can sing. I love a sexy voice. Just LOVE it. He used to sing in show choir as a kid and I love listening to him belt out a song. He’s only recently started singing for me. 🙂 ::: SWOON :::

The Professor is also a giver, in and out of the bedroom and it’s rare to come across a guy like that who is not a pushover. I’m really the same way so it’s nice to be with someone who reciprocates. We may have occasional issues with the polyamory stuff but I am glad overall, that we are doing this and hopefully can get better at sharing, lol. I like the excitement of it all but at the same time it’s so hard not to want him all to myself. I’m trying to remind myself of the wisdom of simply letting the relationship be what it is and not trying to demand more. It really is great AS IS and if I can let go of worrying when he is with another woman or that he will abandon me things would go much more smoothly. I think the same can be said of him because on one hand he wants to have freedom but it’s also hard for him to share ME. It can be so hard to let go of those hardwired monogamy ideals, but until next time…wish me luck! 🙂

30 years with 3 women!! A guest interview…

kdaddy23

I am absolutely thrilled to be able to bring a special guest to my blog today! Kdaddy23 has a very intriguing blog and after casually mentioning his 30 year involvement with 3 different women in comments on an earlier post of mine, I just HAD to learn more!! It’s not often that those of us starting out on the Polyamory journey have opportunity to speak with someone with such vast experience in this lifestyle.

I am enthralled with his background. Not only does he have this kind of experience in relationships with women but he is bisexual and his blog often details his rendezvous with men as well. I am fascinated to read his candid comments on a topic that is so often taboo and I am sure you will be also! Make sure you check out his blog!! It is always thought provoking!!

I asked the questions that first came to mind and most interested ME, but feel free to add your own as well down in the comments section as I am sure he will be reading and willing to expound further! I am so glad he agreed to share with us about what it was like having his own personal harem for so long! So without further ado, I present to you my email interview with Kdaddy 23.

I understand you had a polyamorous situation involving 3 different women that lasted 30 years. Wow! That’s incredible, encouraging and I am sure a lot of us who are just venturing into polyamory for the first time could learn from your experiences.

So first things first, how did it all begin?

We had been in an open relationship for many years, playing with others together and doing our own thing separately. She introduced me to the woman I’ll call “poly wife#1,” who was having major issues with a live-in boyfriend and a couple of lovers and to the point where we felt we had no choice but to take her into our home.

Whose idea was this?

It was my wife’s idea. She said, “I need you do to me a favor.” I said, “Okay, what do you need?” She said, “I want you to go downstairs and make love to S.” I said, “Are you serious?” She said, “What, you afraid you can’t handle it?” I went to S, told her why I was there, and we made love; the next day, the poly triad was formed despite my misgivings.

How eager were all the parties involved to take part?

Well, let’s see; my wife was eager to do this because, later, I learned that she was very much in love with poly wife#1; #1 was suspicious but eager; I was worried because I could already see the problems that would happen… but I was challenged and I’ve never backed down from any ‘insult’ to my masculinity.

Did you all live together?

Three of us lived together; “poly wife #2” lived a couple of hours away.

Was everyone having sex with everyone else?

Well, not at first; poly wife #1 really objected to poly wife #2 being added but the two of them had a long, private talk “about some things” that resulted in me being in bed with all three of them (and getting kicked out of the room for an hour while they played with each other). What makes this interesting, at least to me, was that I knew my wife was bisexual – but the other two women weren’t… but that didn’t last long.

Did you have a hierarchy (such as a primary, secondary, etc)?

Since I was tasked to manage all of this, I discarded the idea of an hierarchy; to me, that led to favoritism so it was easier to deal with all of them as if I were actually married to all of them (which I wasn’t).

Were the women involved also involved with other men or women outside of your little group? How about you?

The quartet was closed; being the only guy, I would often suggest that we find and add another guy, something the three of them summarily vetoed so they weren’t involved with other guys and the only thing I did outside of the quartet was having sex with guys occasionally; all three of them knew I’m bisexual.

Do you have children? Were they all from the same woman? How much did they know or understand of your polyamorous involvement or were they unaware?

My wife and I had three children together; poly wife #1 had three; poly wife #2 had no children. Explaining this to the kids was really hard to do and we had to tell all six of them – how do you hide something like this? As adults, my three told me that, at first, they very much objected to the whole idea but later realized that it really did make all of our lives better. Poly wife #1’s boys were actually happy about it because it put a man in their lives who was dedicated to helping them grow up right and, yeah, the six of them got along quite well.

Was there a lot of competition or jealousy? How did you handle it?

My biggest problem, other than trying to keep up with the sexual drives of three very different (but oddly similar) women was dealing with the jealousy and their competitive natures. I tried, on many occasions, to point out to them that the animosity that came up was insane because they were all having a relationship with the same guy. I think that realization finally hit home and the early bickering was cut down to a dull roar but never really eliminated.

Were others around you aware of your polyamorous arrangement? How did they react?

Again, how do you hide something like this? Our families found out and they just kinda rolled their eyes and hoped like hell we knew what we were doing. Our friends, well, they were amazed at first – but they accepted it easily enough, which really surprised me. You have no idea how many times they’d ask me, “How’s the harem doing?” Of course, all the guys were jealous of me while the women kind of generally said that I must be one hell of a guy to do something like this and keep the women happy and smiling 90% of the time.

Do you have any interesting stories to tell about daily life or about issues that came up?

Our daily lives from day one was an interesting story. We all worked, dealt with the kids and the usual stuff a monogamous couple would deal with – just expanded. The short version of all of this was there was never, ever, a dull moment… but it wasn’t always fun and games either. What made it interesting – especially with the kids – is that my family is Black, poly wife #2 is Black, poly wife #1 and her kids were white so you can image the looks we got when her kids introduced me as their father, right?


What finally brought about the end of it all?

What ended it all had nothing to do with the relationship directly except that things were starting to decay in the quartet and I felt that the end was near. I was forced to retire from my job but in the process of hooking up another one, I had a stroke; for me, it became a matter of survival and leaving my life in the hands of the two women who lived with me and knowing things had broken down so much that they’d never be able to care for me – so it was time to go and, yeah, I wish it hadn’t happened… but it had to.

Would you recommend this lifestyle to other men and women?

Actually, I would not recommend this to anyone because I learned so much more about love, sex, and relationships living like this; it is horribly difficult and stressful and more so when things get out of kilter – and you can count on that happening because it is so very hard to discard the rules of monogamy when you’re anything but. In my blogs about this, I always say that you have to be some really special people to engage in this type of relationship.

If you could do it all over again, is there anything you would change or do differently?

God, there are so many things I would change that I can’t begin to mention them all. Even now, I think about what I could have – and should have – done differently in all of this because I still feel that when things started to deteriorate, I failed to hold it all together… but I also realize that it wasn’t all my fault. I wanted things to run in a way that would make and keep us all happily together until death did us part but the wife and poly wife#1 had other ideas – poly wife#2 was on my side about what should be done and all that but the other two had their own, separate agendas and were stubborn enough that we could never convince them that doing things their way was going to be very bad for the relationship. But, yeah, if I could, I would do it all over again because being monogamous is too limiting a thing to be engaged in.

What advice do you have for people just starting out in a polyamorous lifestyle?

My advice would be to remember to love each other but to also shed monogamous ways and all the negative emotions that come with this: THEY WILL NOT WORK HERE! Have a solid plan in place to manage all aspects of the relationship – this really isn’t all about the sex that can be had. Deal with anyone in the poly relationship as the individual they are – but, again, manage the relationship and keep everyone involved and informed. Be open, communicate until you want to throw up and be honest about feelings, motives, intentions, etc. Don’t discard growth; while a closed poly relationship provides a great deal of security and other things, at some point, you’re going to outgrow the box you’ve put yourself into so logic demands growth and inclusion of others to continue the dream and the goals set of loving each other, even if you’re not all living together

Unchartered territory…

otherwoman

Sometimes I feel so lost with this open relationship stuff. It’s like there’s nowhere to turn when I have questions and doubts about how to handle things that just don’t come up in a traditional monogamous framework. Even a lot of the articles and materials directed at swingers are assuming that a person is coming into The Lifestyle with a serious “primary” relationship.

In my case, the Professor is sort of my primary relationship but he also has someone else, someone that was there first. Only she is married, so it’s not like they are each other’s primary relationship either. This is where the bulk of our issues reside and I find the relationship he has with this other woman the most difficult to handle.

Technically I guess we are “polyamorous,” or at least he is, because he says he has feelings for the both of us. Me, I tend towards emotional monogamy, so this is difficult for me to really understand. I’d much rather he just have feelings for ME, even if he is going to sleep with other women. Sharing someone I’ve fallen for emotionally is not easy!

When we first started out I thought of us both as single but having fun. I didn’t realize he was so entrenched in something already and that epiphany left me with a rather sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now, he will admit she is in love with him but says he is not in love with her. However, he is not saying he is “in love” with me either only admitting that he has feelings, which is pretty unspecific.

To be fair I don’t know that I am “in love” at this point either. I think I’ve retained a certain amount of guardedness due to the presence of this other woman. It’s like deep down I WANT very much to let go but because of her I am too afraid. Only, I suck at regulating and covering up my true feelings and I keep allowing myself to get more and more vulnerable, then reality hits and I snap those walls right back up again.

I think the hardest part, for me, is not KNOWING for sure how he compares and rates us in his mind. He is saying that we are equal to him but I find that hard to believe and accept. It’s like my competitive instinct goes into OVERDRIVE and I MUST be #1, at ALL COSTS, or nothing. Grrrrr…. I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s “secondary” dammit, and if that’s the case you’ve insulted my worth as a woman and I want OUT.

So my inner demons and jealousy are making me want to look for PROOF of who he’s REALLY more emotionally invested in. I’m looking for any evidence that he’s lying and she’s really his favorite and using me as the sidepiece. I KNOW it’s irrational and probably unfair, but that’s what’s bubbling under the surface.

Now, he hasn’t actually slept with her, to my knowledge, and if he is telling the truth, for over 3 months. For that matter he supposedly hasn’t with anyone but me. However, I HAVE slept with other guys, mainly my fuck buddy, but also once around Thanksgiving with the guy I had an affair with (but now haven’t talked to in quite a while). I’ve even gone on a date or two. So how come I’m even threatened by this??

I think it’s just the IDEA that they have a “love” type thing going on. It doesn’t help that I saw a note she had written to him lying on his dresser recently and stacks of cards calling him “baby” and saying how she misses him. It doesn’t help that he once texted her “goodnight” right as we were in the middle of a break during sex. It doesn’t help that when she comes down she stays for days at a time and they go out on dates together and she sleeps in his bed at night and has a key to his place. 😦 I don’t get that kind of stuff very often at all, even though a lot of it is because of my schedule and children, it still hurts.

To add insult to injury, the first weekend he ever had her down after we met he completely DISAPPEARED on me for like 3 full days. I didn’t even get a single text. I felt so abandoned and I thought it meant he was done with me forever. Turns out later that he claimed she was soooo upset over some guy standing her up that she cried and cried and needed his attention the entire time. At least that was his excuse and at the time it really pissed me off and made me feel like SHE was trying to sabotage his relationship with me and he was allowing it to happen. Who cries for days over getting stood up by someone they’ve never even met?

I’m still not entirely sure that she’s not doing things to try and cause problems for us but of course he thinks she’s innocent. Men are so blind sometimes. Leaving notes all over his house on brightly colored cards seems kind of obvious to me.

Also, on my birthday he had offered to take me out and go bowling but she decided to come down the weekend before, which made it impossible due to our weekday schedules. THAT really pissed me off. He still took my kids and I out for ice cream and dropped a bottle of wine and a cake off at my door on the actual day of but it just wasn’t the same.

Apparently she comes down whenever the hell she wants. He says her husband only lets her at certain times so he takes what he can get, but whatever. She also once decided to stay an extra day, which happened to be a day I had offered to make him dinner and he was supposed to be coming over to my place and completely forgot. He told me she was staying but apparently forgot we had previous plans. Nice. Not sure if he really forgot or if she had known and deliberately stepped over that or what. When she is not around the Professor is very attentive and thoughtful and doesn’t forget things like that so it rubs me all kinds of wrong ways.

When I have a moment of clarity and am being fair towards her or putting myself in her shoes I can understand that she would feel threatened by ME. I came along AFTER they were already in an emotional relationship and I’m nearly 20 years younger than her, live close by and don’t have a husband telling me when I can and cannot meet. He also takes me with him to swinger parties and has spent more time with me overall lately. Still, I don’t have a lot of reason to care about HER. Mostly, I feel like I want to tear her hair out… but I’m above that…I hope. :p

So last weekend the Professor happened to have a tournament he was coaching in another city, which is right near where she lives. He neglected to tell me this until Friday morning when I asked what he was doing that day. He said “I’m at work” and I’m thinking well, duh, and said “no, I mean tonight”. He then mentions that he has a tournament that weekend and finally that he was leaving early that night and planning to see her when he got up there.

First off, I was kind of pissed that I had to seemingly drag that information out of him, especially in light of his recent lie to me about having attended a swinger party when he said he wasn’t going to. He also kept pussyfooting around the questions of whether he was planning to see and sleep with her. He claimed that it all depended on her husband and he wasn’t sure yet what would happen.

So I was fuming a bit but went ahead and made plans with my fuck buddy. He had stated before that I can come down and see him whenever I want so for the first time I decided to drive the hour and a half to his place to spend some time with him. That all went swimmingly and we had fun and good sex and talked quite a bit more than usual since I was there for 3 hours. I told the Professor what I was going to do.

However the Professor and I kind of got into it. He seemed to be avoiding telling me whether he was going to spend the night with her or even admitting that there was likelihood they would have sex. I told him I felt like I needed some reassurance from him. We hadn’t seen each other since the blowout after me discovering his lie about the past swinger party and though we had made up somewhat we really hadn’t had a chance to talk it out. I was feeling insecure and uneasy about our relationship already and on edge about him going to see her. I made a comment about how he probably wouldn’t bother texting me all weekend and he said stop it, he would make a point of keeping in contact with me.

So he finally says he talked to them and that she and her husband were going to have dinner with him. I was kind of snappy and said something like “you never go out to dinner with ME”. He said that wasn’t fair because he has taken me out before but I usually can’t take enough time and that he hasn’t seen her in three months and she is his friend too! Left me with a bad feeling because he was going on about her being his friend again and I was still without the reassurance that I had asked him for.

So I just said I was going to go see my friend and that I guess there was no need to contact him after that. I said it because he was on his way to dinner with her and I wasn’t going to notify him again that I was leaving for my fuck buddy’s house while he was busy. I MEANT that night but also kind of deliberately left it ambiguous as to whether or not I meant EVER because I wanted to see what he would do.

Still, he didn’t contact me for TWENTY FOUR HOURS after that. And then it was when I finally sent him a text. I was pissed because he broke his promise and I assumed it was because he was either still with her or so happy to have seen her that he couldn’t be bothered with me at all. I didn’t know if she had stayed the night with him (I didn’t sleep over with my fuck buddy) or if he was taking her with him all day to his games or what. Of course he has never taken ME to anything like that so I was speculating all kinds of things and not feeling good about it at all. My imagination can sometimes get the best of me. Of course he said the reason he didn’t text was because I said there would be no need to contact me again…and he didn’t know if I meant ever, and admittedly I left it open like that on purpose because I was upset.

He said they didn’t even have sex. They went to dinner and because he had a slight cough left over from having been sick the week before I guess they didn’t feel comfortable being “intimate” with him. They didn’t want to get sick. He says it was the husband’s decision. He’s told me before that she and her husband don’t communicate well and she is in love with him and doesn’t want to sleep with anyone but him and her husband wants her to be with other guys. The whole situation is kind of fucked up and I know how those “secret” feelings for another person can be and how bored married ladies who aren’t getting the attention they want will be seeking it out so she is probably EXTRA in love with him. UGH. I so just want her GONE.

Meanwhile the Professor can’t get why I am still upset because THEY didn’t have sex, and I DID!!! LOL On some level I can see how he feels that way but again it is the emotional thing with me! He gets upset every time I have sex with another guy and it takes him awhile to get over it, though logically he is okay with it. It gets to him on an emotional level so I think he should understand MY feelings as well.

My fuck buddy I have NO emotional attachment to. We fuck and that’s it! He is in no way a threat to the Professor and I have no problem telling the Professor I like HIM more and HE is number one to me! He knows that!! I want to be special like that to him too! :/

Barring that, I at least want to know SOME ways in which I am special to him. I’m not really getting that and I feel like I’ve asked for it in several different ways. I just need to know MY unique place in his life. We did get into a really long emotional discussion (drama, drama, fun, fun) where he said the following.

1. I spend more time with YOU!! That should tell you something!! (But, spending more time with her would be kind of difficult since she lives far away and her husband won’t “let” her- I don’t know if that is simply a way to bide his time since they can’t have each other or what).

2. Neither one of you is more special to me, you both have different qualities and different things I like about you, else I why would I be with TWO people? (Okay, I do get that, see my post on Comparing Lovers– but I still want to know WHAT it is that is different- curiousity? Or just a need to feel special in some way I guess).

3. I shouldn’t have to reassure you about anything. Just the fact that I do things with you and spend my time with you and spend time TALKING to you and buy things for you and your kids should be enough reassurance. I don’t express my feelings like that. (Gah! Men!! I hate this about them!!!! Why is giving reassurance hard? It’s like the easiest thing in the world to me and I give him boatloads if I even think he is hinting at needing a little and he seems to appreciate that!! I’m more than happy to TELL him I think he’s the bees knees! Yes, he does do these things for me and it means a lot and I love it but that doesn’t mean when I am faced with a scary situation where he is off with another woman I don’t need a RE-assurance of that. Tell me again, and again, and again!! Please!! :/ Yeah, I guess I’m being needy. )

4. More logical crap about how he takes her out more because she has that available time and how he would do the same for me if my ex- husband wasn’t always pestering me to come back and get the kids after 2 hours of being away. Plus, he takes me to the swingers parties AND he HAS taken me out a couple of times before. (Okay, he has a point here but also if he was offering to take me out more I’m sure I could manage to get a little more time. I do have time constraints but it makes it hard to tell if he would really do that stuff or not).

5. Do you think I would spend all this time TALKING to you if I didn’t like you A LOT?? Don’t you know men hate this stuff and I have better things to do with my time? (Well, yes, this is very true and also why it’s a damn good test of how a guy feels about you to throw a huge fit and see how he reacts. I hate that I do this but it has the end result of proving his emotional investment in me…, not that I think it out on a calculated level like that but yes I can see the reasons why afterwards).

So anyway, we are all back to normal and happy now. After a lot of testing him on my part. I have to admit that NOW I can see it for what it was but at the time I was a mess of emotion and unable to think clearly and just ACTING on feminine whims. I am so such a girl…and also was at the start of and on my period, when I tend to sink into insecurity and hit my low point of the month. The rest of the time I feel like I’m fairly easygoing and happy. It doesn’t probably help that it seems like every time he has gotten together with this woman has been right around my period. He’s asking for it!!

Despite recognizing what is going on I still feel like I could benefit from more advice and examples of how people get on in everyday polyamorous relationships. Reading the blogs can offer tidbits here and there but it never seems like enough. Where do I go for ideas on how to cope with “the other woman” when it isn’t an affair situation and he is ALLOWED to do this? I’ve read The Ethical Slut and that had some ideas but it was also just skimming the surface of all the possibilities out there. Does anyone else deal with this stuff? How do you do it?

Flashback: My First Swinger Party

swingers

I was just realizing I haven’t told the story of my FIRST swinger party on my blog and that some of you all might like to read about it. 🙂 I get quite a bit of traffic from people doing google searches about swinger parties so I gather there are a lot of folks out there who are interested in hearing about personal experiences before they ever give it a try themselves. So for them, and all of you, I’m reposting something I wrote on a forum that first night (which was like 6 months ago now). Enjoy a little flashback to my first ever entrance into “the Lifestyle”…. 😉

A little backstory for those who don’t know. I met a guy awhile back on Craigslist and he had told me about a site for swingers and swinger parties that he is on. I signed up but didn’t put up a picture or profile and was just looking and checking it out. After he and I had sex he got really into me and didn’t seem as excited about me going to the party but he knew I was curious and wanted to attend one in our area. I had spent the better part of our first date asking him questions about it and then we had sex on this trailhead sign at a local walkway. Slept with him one other time since then but he is clearly head over heels. He has gone over and above trying to do things for me. He’s a really nice guy and decent in bed just am not super into him. I feel bad because he likes me a lot but I’m just not feeling it. :/

Okay so there was an upcoming party in our area that I really wanted to check out. He was already signed up and had told me before that prior to parties he emails with potential prospects that he might play with. He knew I wanted to go even though he didn’t seem as excited about it and suggested I add more to my profile after signing up so people could contact me. So I updated it a bit (still no picture but they can see I am a single female) and put my name on the list where people could click and look at my profile if they were thinking about going. I got a few emails from that but only responded to one guy.

The guy I responded to is a Professor at a local University. He and I went out on a date, followed by some really good sex the night before the party. He offered to accompany me to the party so that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and said he would drive me there (it was a little outside of town). I was a little concerned about the other guy’s reaction but he was already going to be there (at a hotel next door, he lives like an hour and a half away) and I tried to diffuse it a bit by telling him I had met someone who offered to drive me and that I would be drinking so it would probably be best. We ended up going together as a couple because the party was already full with the allotted amount of single males (which I think is 10%). The trailhead guy wasn’t too excited and said he thought it would be fine to drive myself but I really didn’t want to show up there alone anyway.

The party started early, but the professor and I decided to show up a few hours later due to my having to pay for a babysitter and because he said things pick up later on anyway. So when we showed up all eyes were on us. Being an interracial couple when there are only 2 other black people (both single males) at the party where there are about 150 people kind of does that, and me being new and all, we attracted some attention. I was wearing a brown and tan zebra print dress that is kind of a cross between a sundress and a wrap around and a bodysuit, lol. (It also has hidden pockets so I was able to slip my cell phone in and leave my purse in the car) Tight enough to show off curves pretty well and my wooden, zebra print, semi- platform heels, which are about 4 inches tall and made me taller than him, lol. He was in a nice dress shirt and slacks.

So when we walk in the door we had to sign some forms and the professor made a donation for us to get in. One of the ladies sitting at the table looked very familiar. I think she used to attend the church where my ex husband was children’s pastor….gulp…lol She kept kind of looking at me throughout the night. I’m sure she was all wtf, the children’s pastor’s wife is here with some black dude at a swinger party….heart attack, lmao! Not to mention that was in a very small, very white, community of about 1,500 people that is 30 minutes away from here and everyone knows his family and his dad is a well known preacher. Ah well….

The layout of the club was a bunch of long tables, one side was the smoking section and the other side was non smoking. In between there was a stripper pole and at the front there was a dance floor. Behind the tables was a table with food and drink but it was bring your own alcohol and the Professor had brought a cooler with our bottles of wine. Off to the side of the smoking section there were two silhouette rooms made with curtains. One room had a Sybian machine and the other had a sex swing. The lighting was set so that you could see the silhouettes of people playing in those rooms. Soon after we walked in the door we could hear a woman screaming loudly above the music on the Sybian. LOL

The people were of varying ages and sizes. There were a lot of unattractive older people as expected but there were also several younger, more attractive people roaming around as well, mostly couples. Some of the people were half naked. A lot of women were topless, but mostly these were older ladies or overweight ones. The more attractive folks for the most part, had clothes on. The professor seemed to know quite a few people and led me around introducing me to them. Shortly after we arrived I saw the trailhead guy waving me over to talk. He was sitting at a table surrounded by fat ladies who seemed interested in him. The professor insisted I let him pour me a drink first and was like “then you can go over and talk to your friend”. So we got situated and drank a little and met a few people first.

First thing he introduced me to a couple of older men and one of them recognized me off of AFF!! He was like “you have a picture of just your ass as your profile on there don’t you?” Um, yes I do, and NO face pics so I don’t know how the hell he knew it was me. It kind of freaked me out and he said something about me having an uncommon name so he recognized it. I was wondering how on earth an old white guy would have had a chance to find out my name on AFF because its not like I respond to very many emails like that, especially sharing my real name. I think I’ve finally figured out that he has to be that sugar daddy guy that I had corresponded with for awhile, but never went through with. He said he remembered me from a couple of years ago. Eeeek! Then an almost naked older lady in a thong came up and was hugging and rubbing on the professor from the back. Soon after an older man that he introduced me to pulled me out on the dance floor and wanted to dance with me old school style, spinning me around and stuff while I was in my heels to a slow song…lmao. The professor danced with his wife.

I briefly made it over to say hi to the trailhead guy and he made some comment about my “date” that made it obvious he wasn’t too happy about it. I flirted for a few then dashed off again because I didn’t want to make the fat ladies too jealous. The professor was leading me around, introducing me to more people and took me into the sybian room to watch a lady on it and then to the sex swing. As soon as I walked into the sex swing room a woman told me to get up on it and try. I was still feeling pretty shy and tried to decline but she insisted and said I didn’t have to do anything but that she would eat my pussy if I liked. I climbed up on it but declined having my pussy ate, lmao. I just wasn’t ready for that yet. She asked another time but I said that’s ok. I sat in the swing and the other people left and the professor started kissing and fingering me and talking to me while I drank some more wine in there. We didn’t stay too long though and went to meet more people.

I finally made it back over to the trailhead guy. The professor offered to accompany me but I said that I would be okay (he already knew about the other guy and that we had sex before and he likes me). So I went over and he was excited to talk to me and told me that some fat, old woman had cornered him in the bathroom and pushed him up against the wall and took off her panties and said how much she loves big, black men and that it had kind of freaked him out and he told her he likes to take time to get to know people first, lol. Anyway, he wanted me to stay and talk and one of the women he was sitting with seemed a little irked so I tried to engage her in conversation too. He told me if I needed I ride home I didn’t need to go with the professor guy but that this girl would drive me. I said I thought I’d be okay. Then he wanted me to sit on his lap, so I did and he was kissing me.

While we were kissing up comes the fat, old lady that had cornered him in the bathroom. She starts rubbing on his head and kissing him from the back. Then she goes on to tell him how pretty she thinks I am and starts trying to kiss ME. I was a little ooked but wanted to be polite so I went along with it, lmao. I pulled away quick though and he managed to deflect her for a bit and she went to kiss the girl that he had offered to have drive me. Whew! I decided it would be a good time to head back to the professor. I had already seen him looking at me a few times from across the room and I was on my 3rd plastic cup of wine, which meant I’d actually drank the entire bottle and was a little tipsy. Okay, a lot tipsy. I accidentally knocked over a chair on my way back and the professor saw me and rushed over because I was having trouble standing it up again. I was actually starting to feel naseous due to drinking a little too much a little too fast so he took me outside for a bit and had me sit down and drink lots of ice water, kissing me and talking to me until I was feeling better enough to go back in.

When we went back in I signed a paper so I could try out the Sybian machine. We went in the room and it was just me and the professor and the fat, old guy running the Sybian. It cost 10 dollars so the professor paid for it and lifted my dress and started slipping off my panties from the back so I could get on the machine. The old guy was standing right behind me and they were talking about my ass, ha. He started hinting that he would like my panties as a tip so the professor asked if that would be okay and I let him give them to the guy. He said that was the best tip of the night. Anyhow I got on the Sybian but the first attachment was hurting me so I had to get off and they put on a smaller one. Maybe because I’d had a little too much to drink or just because I am sensitive even the smaller one was kind of intense. The guy said he only had it up less than halfway and I came pretty quickly and was ready to get off after that first time. He said I could come back any time for the rest of the night for free but I didn’t go back.

We talked to more people and at one point made out for a few in a bathroom but no sex in there or anything. A couple of different guys tried to feel up my dress or grab my butt when we were talking to them. The professor asked if I wanted to leave and go back to his place and I agreed and we were getting ready to leave and I had to make another bathroom run. While I was in there I heard a guy outside the door talking to the professor and he was saying “wow, she is drunk you could get her to do almost anything you wanted to right now” and the professor laughed. To me it sounded like he was just being polite but the trailhead guy was nearby and heard them talking and got pretty upset. He was having some kind of discussion with the professor when I came out and he pulled me off to the side and said be careful, I don’t like what I heard those guys saying about you and you are drunk and shouldn’t go home with him. I will have this woman give you a ride. I said I will be okay and he insisted that only if I text him and call and let him know I am home safely. I said okay and the professor came and took me by the arm out the door.

As we were heading out to his car we stopped to talk to some couples that said they were going to one of their houses and the professor asked if we could come along. He told them it was my first party and he thought I might like to see what it was all about and they readily agreed. I texted my babysitter to say we would be out longer and we went to their house. There were two other couples and we sat in the living room and talked for a bit. One couple was a pretty 40 year old nurse and her 35 yr old husband. She is a redhead that dies her hair more of a strawberry blonde and I later saw she had a clit piercing and fake boobs. Her husband (or maybe he was just a live in boyfriend, but something like that) was a more reserved guy with glasses but decently attractive. He looked like your typical IT dude. The other couple was an outgoing, muscular guy with tatoos that I think said he was 37-38 and his 25 yr old, petite, blonde wife. She was more shy seeming and he later said she had never had sex with anyone besides him until they started swinging 8 months ago and until recently they were just doing “soft” swaps with other women and no actual sex. She did end up having sex with the other husband there, but not the professor.

Anyway, we talked for a few and then they were like lets get naked so we all went back to the couple’s bedroom/playroom. The other women got undressed first and started making out and the professor starts sliding my clothes off from behind and takes me over to them and so the three of us females were making out and then the guys started joining in. At first I was making out with both women and went down on the blonde girl and the nurse’s husband started going down on me. I can’t tell you what everyone else was doing at that point because I don’t know but when I looked up the professor was doing the blonde nurse lady from the back and the other lady’s husband was rubbing on my boobs while the nurse was giving him a blowjob and I started giving one to the nurse’s husband.

I really can’t remember everything but at some point the professor called me over to him and the nurse and asked me to taste her so I did and she and I were like in a 69 and he started doing me from behind. Later on I was bent over the bed with the tatooed guy and I could see in the mirror across the room that his wife was kissing him. There was lots more of pretty much everyone doing everyone, lol. Tatooed guy tried to slip it in my ass once but I pulled away and didn’t do him after that. I’m just not really into anal, especially with a stranger but there was still touching and stuff. He kept telling the professor what I nice ass I have and he would agree.

At one point the nurse pulled out her strap on and wanted to do me with it so everyone stopped to watch. Then she wanted me to ride her on it so I did and then the other woman wanted a ride. It ended up with all the couples on the bed and the professor fucking me missionary style and he kept making me cum over and over, long after everyone else was finished. The tatoo guy just came and sat by our heads and started jacking off and kept saying “God that’s so hot” over and over again, lmao. The nurse lady was amazed that Mr. Professor was still hard after all that time (he still hadn’t cum). He kept telling me later that he needs to make it up to me with some better one on one sex later. It was pretty good though!! Haha….

Afterwards we all talked for a little bit and the nurse gave people some pickles she’d been canning all day but the professor and I had to get going. The nurse’s husband said he felt a little used with us just being like “nice fuck everyone” and then leaving, lmao, but I think he was joking. We went back home and the prof paid for the couple extra hours of babysitting I needed. He’s been texting me today to see how I liked it and how I am doing. Meanwhile I had sex with my fuck buddy/military dude which was hot. Anyhow, I think that’s pretty much the gist of it all. Enjoy.

When being open isn’t enough

tears

So remember the Professor? The guy I was in an “open” relationship with? The one I kept saying I liked so much because above all else he was HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY? Yeah, well, it turns out he’s a big, fat, LIAR. I am so disappointed, crushed and totally let down. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like I’ve ever met or been in a relationship with a guy in my life who DIDN’T turn out to be a big liar, but the fantasy that they are out there was a nice one.

Last night we went to another swinger party. This one was at a hotel. It was not a technical “hotel takeover” but there were something like 75-100 people at this place, in a tourist town that is not too far away from where we live. There were a bunch of rooms reserved at the back of the hotel specifically for the swinger party and a lot of people stayed the whole weekend and hung out socializing in the pool and lobby areas. Groups of people also were going out to bars and such in town, so not everyone was there at once.

The Professor and I didn’t sign up until Saturday, since we hadn’t gotten a response back from the Latino couple we have been emailing with for this weekend and the party was Plan B. That couple had made it pretty clear to me that they were interested in a FMF with me more than anything so I told them straight up that I was not ready for that and would be happy to meet them with the Professor but wasn’t interested in going at it alone at this point. He’s the one who told them about me, thinking we would swap as a COUPLE so I wasn’t going to just run off and sleep with them alone and exclude him, plus I just wasn’t really that interested. She had told me flat out she wasn’t really that bi and just wanted to do the whole thing FOR HIM. I’m not really that interested in giving this fantasy to some guy I have never even met. Anyhow, apparently that was all they needed to know because they stopped responding to messages after that.

So we decided to go to this hotel party and I was actually kind of excited. I was bound and determined for us to have a GOOD experience this time. I was in a good mood and ready to have fun. I spent the day beautifying myself, exercising, painting my nails, and checking out the swinger website, seeing who was signed up for the party and skimming over the profiles (well in between laundry, dishes, cleaning, paying bills and taking care of kids, but you don’t wanna hear about that). I got a zillion views and a few emails from people on there who saw I was signed up for the party but the Professor says he only got like 3 views. According to him that’s because I am listed as a single female and everyone wants that elusive “unicorn”. Probably true that they were hoping for me alone because I did get some asking me to have FMF threesomes.

During my profile skimming I noticed the Professor had been looking at mine and went over to his and was looking at his previous list of validations. He has quite a few. One of them that I looked at was a woman he has told me before that he has had sex with several times. She is part of a couple and older than me and lives near where the party was going to be. After checking out their profile I got an email that was from “her” saying that she understands the Professor wants a FMF and that she would love to have one with him and me. I laughed out loud and texted him to ask what that was all about. He said he is always up for a FMF but that he suspects her husband is the one who sent me that. I wasn’t opposed to the idea or anything because I had just told him recently that if I am going to have one I would feel much safer doing it with HIM than with another guy because I felt I could trust him to look out for my feelings and make sure I didn’t feel left out (my only experience in bed with a guy and one other female was when I was really young and didn’t turn out so great, leaving me feeling pretty bad). So I teased him a little about it and was like “hmmmm…..” and was actually seriously considering the possibility. He said she had texted him earlier and that they keep in contact but that she and her husband were not going to be at the party.

When I arrived at the Professor’s house he was fresh out of the shower and still in a towel. We kissed and I stood there talking to him as he was getting ready to go, playing and teasing him and just generally in a happy mood. He looked so hot rubbing lotion on his naked body.

He got us both something to eat on the way and we headed out of town for the party, arriving around 9pm. One of the hosts had texted me to say things were a bit slow due to different groups of people being at a piano bar and a pub. Still there were quite a few folks milling around the lobby when we arrived. The pool had some kids swimming in it so people were staying out of there until it cleared out. Supposedly it was reserved for the party but families had shown up anyway and no one told them to get out of the pool. We’d already been warned that we had to be careful and be on good public behavior except for inside the rooms.

So in the lobby there were a lot of people talking and drinking. Most of them were in their 40’s or 50’s and I looked to be the youngest person there. I get told frequently that I look younger than I am so it seemed like an even bigger age difference than it probably actually was. In fact the night before a 20 something guy working the register at the grocery store had acted totally shocked when I said I had a 13 year old. He couldn’t believe I was old enough to have a child that age and when I told him my actual age he was like “NO WAY!!!” haha. I seriously should start telling guys I am 29 because I’d totally pass for it.

Anyhow, I was younger and thinner and more attractive than pretty much anyone there. I know that sounds conceited, and I don’t intend for it to be, just an honest assessment. Of course this meant I got a lot of attention! There were several men flirting with me. One in particular seems almost obsessed, lol. This guy looks like Burt Reynolds, haha. He’s really nice, and actually not bad for an older man (he’s like in his 50’s) but his wife clearly doesn’t like me. She’s the same woman who made a catty comment towards me at the last party about how “oh, you are MUCH prettier than he SAID you were” regarding the Professor. So that made me feel a little awkward.

There was another married guy that I had seen at the last party having sex with his wife on a mattress. She is the one who had invited the Professor to join but not me. In any case, he was fairly attractive and flirting with me a lot too. He kept telling me how badly he wants to go down on me. He was standing there talking with me and another single girl who was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive and also the professor.

Meanwhile he starts asking me if I have seen this boyfriend and says he is a HUGE black guy that has a dick “this thick” and makes a big circle with his hand. I have no clue who he is talking about so he was trying to look up the screen name. The Professor didn’t seem to like this at all and I sense he’s not liking the idea of me hooking up with another well- endowed black guy, lol.

So I step aside and am talking to this other single woman while the guys chat. She had brought me a couple of margaritas to drink and seemed pretty nice. The Professor seemed to know her somehow but she tells me that she just signed up on the swinger site a few months ago and has only been to a couple of parties. This doesn’t register right because there was some conversation between them that made it sound like they had been at a party together and as far as I know he has only been to them with ME since July, other than once when he was a few hours away.

I am wondering and ask her when she met the Professor. She says just a couple weeks ago at the Christmas party. My heart sank down to my knees. Christmas party? He and I had talked about the Christmas party but he said he wasn’t going to go. The night of he’d claimed he was hanging out with some guy friends watching a football game. I’d been kind of upset that he didn’t want to see me but didn’t want to tell him what to do. I started to feel sick. I’m looking at this woman and trying to be nice and have a conversation but I could hardly hold it up.

She stepped aside to talk to someone else and I turned to the Professor. “I didn’t know you went to the Christmas party”. “What Christmas party?” he retorted and I looked at him dead in the eye and replied “the one where she said she met you, just a couple of weeks ago”. He started making excuses and saying “oh, I just stopped by there for a little bit” and “I just needed some time alone to socialize”. You don’t go to a SWINGER party just to socialize, dipshit. I am not an idiot. Ugh.

He kept saying stuff like how he didn’t play with anyone and it was just because he needs some time to himself sometimes and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I didn’t even respond to all this bullshit. The point isn’t his reasoning, but that he LIED to me and that he is sneaking around doing stuff like going to swinger’s parties without telling me, when HE is the one who wanted an OPEN relationship where we were supposed to TELL each other everything. All I could think while he was talking is “this fool is trying to manipulate me”. None of it registered as anything worthwhile to talk about.

He had pulled me aside from the party and kept trying to get me to “talk”. I told him I am not interested in talking and he asked me if I wanted him to take me home. I said I don’t care. You can take me home or we can go back and party. At this point all you have really shown me is that you are no different than any other guy out there. He kept pulling me back and not letting me return to the party and it was really starting to grate on me. I felt numb and didn’t want to discuss things any further.

So we headed back into the party. Lots of people were talking to us and a whole bevy of men were trying to flirt with me, none of whom I was really that attracted to but I was being friendly. So was the Professor, but not near as much as usual. Mr. Burt Reynolds look alike came up and was rubbing his hard on against me and sliding his hands around my waist and slid them up to my boobs. The Professor, who was a few feet away talking to another guy, told him to stop and that was carrying things too far. So he drops his hands down and whispers that the Professor thinks he is being too aggressive with me and is that ok? I said I don’t care but he went back to just staring and complimenting.

The Other Black Guy showed up and he was indeed, quite huge, lol. This guy is 6 foot 6 and built like a linebacker. He was very dark skinned and had an accent that was obviously not American. He seemed kinda shy but took an immediate liking to me and kept giving me the eye. He was cute, though not necessarily my “type”. He and the girl he was with pulled me aside later and asked if the Professor and I would like to go up to their room with them. At that time another whole group of people, including the Burt Reynolds guy had also invited us back to their bedroom. Another guy and his wife were trying as well.

There were all these people trying to get us to sleep with them so the Professor pulled me aside and asked what I wanted to do. I said I didn’t care, I’d do whatever. He didn’t like my answer and said that’s not true that I am normally picky and he doesn’t believe that. I said, well, not tonight. Tonight I do not care which people we sleep with. I was feeling numb. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck. He wasn’t accepting my answer and complained that I hadn’t kissed him all night long. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really feel like kissing him after finding out he’s been dishonest with me.

He kept insisting I talk with him and was getting resentful of people’s interruptions of our conversation so he took me up near the main desk of the hotel and we sat on the couch. I said, okay let’s just go to the room where there are gonna be a bunch of people and see what happens. He was like “you know you can’t go in there without every guy there trying to fuck you right?” I said that’s okay, I don’t care. He said yes you do and I was like NO I don’t. Isn’t this what you want? For me to go along with whatever? He said he didn’t like it because I normally don’t act like that and I still hadn’t kissed him.

So finally we go back down and by that time (because he had kept me up there so long) half the people were gone. So we go out on the balcony and ask some people where the rooms are. Mr. Burt Reynolds is out there and comes up and holds my hands and starts to drag me away. He pulls me over near his wife who is acting grouchy and smoking a cigarette and tells us we don’t need to be standing there watching her smoke and to go back inside.

He takes me back over to the Professor, who is waiting kind of impatiently and takes me with him back to the hotel rooms. We walk into the room (227) where people are supposed to be. A woman is lying on the bed and her husband is fucking her. No one else is there. He gets up and I can see he’s got some sort of cock ring on. She asks for a drink and then I realize she is tied to the bed.

Now this is the fairly good looking guy who I had seen fucking his wife on a mattress at the last party and she had asked the Professor to join in but he declined. He’s the one who has been asking to go down on me. He starts making comments to that effect and asking me to come sit on the bed. The Professor tells him not to push me. He says he wasn’t meaning it that way and the Professor tells him he doesn’t like to push women into anything. Meanwhile he’s holding onto me with his arms around my waist and his hands interlocked with mine, so I couldn’t go sit on the bed if I wanted to. He’s telling them I am shy but I think it’s really him who wants me to himself. He had told me earlier that this guy was bi and I think it was meant to deter me from wanting to sleep with him. I had said I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as he’s wearing a condom.

At this point the wife has moved to the other bed and pulled a dress over her head but has no panties on, everything showing and a boob hanging out. She’s a little on the heavy side and the Professor had told me before she was a little bigger than what he likes in bed. She’s texting on her phone and playing around. She tells me I should fuck her husband and let him go down on me, that he’s really good at it. He comes and whispers in my ear that he will be really disappointed if he doesn’t get the chance.

In comes another woman and a couple of men. This woman had just been fucking a couple earlier that her husband told us he wasn’t interested in. He said they were mad at him for not joining in but he just wasn’t attracted to them. He also says that Mr. Burt Reynolds and his wife are fighting. I hope it has nothing to do with me.

So his wife gets on the bed and starts sucking the guy with a cock ring’s dick. He also has a couple of piercings on the head of his penis. People are discussing that and she is saying how she likes to say hello by sucking someone’s dick. The texting wife is talking about how sometimes her husband lasts for hours when he fucks people. She asks the other guys who they are and they claim they just walked in off the street and we are all laughing until they admit that was a joke and they are from the swinger site as well.

In walks the huge black man and his girlfriend. They come over and stand near us and he keeps looking over at me. The texting wife and the husband of the woman who is now on the bed fucking her husband get into a mock argument and then she starts sucking his dick. He made a comment about how that finally shut her up and she pulls back and tells him if he keeps talking like that his dick is gonna just be hanging there. They argue for a bit more and she starts sucking him again.

The Professor still has a pretty tight grip on me. The wife who had been texting but is now sucking a guys dick pulls away and yells that anyone whose dick or pussy is not out needs to get the hell out of her room. So the other woman (they work together and she is actually her boss) gets on the bed and is sucking another random guy off. The big black man is taking pictures with his cell phone but he stays clothed. I’m not liking the pushy vibe and don’t want to have sex with most of the men in the room though there are two “maybe’s” (the good looking husband of the first woman and the tall black man). The Professor takes me out of the room and says he thinks that woman is too bitchy.

We decide it’s time to leave the party and on the way out there is a group of people that we stop and talk to. One of them is the woman who doesn’t like me. She is kind of aggressively flirting with the Professor and standing by him and touching but he is holding onto my hands. We chat for a bit and then head out.

On the way home we talked a little about the party before I finally bring up the Christmas party thing again. He says everyone makes mistakes and keeps making excuses for his behavior and how he didn’t want to hurt me. I look out the window trying to blink away tears and don’t talk much at all. When we get closer I ask him to drop me off at my house and he reminds me that my vehicle is at his place. So when we arrive I get my stuff and get in and he is standing in the door asking me if I am just going to leave and I say yes. He looks like he wants to cry but I just head home, where I completely break down in tears before getting up to get ready for bed.

The next morning he texted and asked why I would stay at the party if I didn’t want to spend time with him. I didn’t answer. I set to writing this blog and he showed up at my door and knocked but I ignored him. He texted again saying he thought I was being unfair not letting him even talk to me. I explained that I didn’t want to talk because he hurt me and I can’t have an “open” relationship with someone who is gonna be dishonest. He said I actually seemed like I wanted to touch him again at the end of the party and then he felt like I got mad again and I explained that I was just numb and trying to gloss over my feelings until I could make it home to cry. He asks again for me to talk to him and to come by his house and I say I can’t because I am in my pj’s.

He says if I don’t come by then he will know that I never want to see him again. I text “well, I don’t so I’ll just tell you that flat out. I’ve lost trust in you and it will never work that way. The End.” He said “wow, so youre going to break up over text messaging, really?” and I said “break up what? According to you we were just fwb anyway”.

Finally he comes by my house again. I let him in and he talked to me and said basically all the same stuff. Excuses and justifications. I told him repeatedly there is no way I can have an open relationship without trust and this makes me question everything he tells me now and that just isn’t gonna work out. He still hasn’t given an actual APOLOGY, though he said “everyone makes mistakes” and that this let him know he needs to tell me stuff in the future (as if that hadn’t been established before). I ask if he told the married woman he was going to that party and he was like “why is that important?” which lets me know he did. That makes it even worse.

He tried to hug me a few times and wrapped his arms around me and just looked like he was about to cry and said he cares about me and that’s why he was trying to avoid hurting me. Then he walked away and said well, it’s up to you now. I let him go and didn’t say a word. Now he’s texting me again and it says “I’m gonna miss you :(”.

I don’t know. The truth is I really doubt my ability to trust him now. He let me down. He’s not the honest, truthful guy I thought I’d met and who would be open and real with me. I have feelings for him, am falling in love even, but I know without trust we can’t have anything, especially a swinging, poly type relationship because that takes a huge EXTRA amount of trust in a person. Yes I craved his touch when he was here and wanted to make up but I just don’t know if I can. Every time I start to think of him sexually my mind just stops and I feel pain instead of being turned on. Maybe we will make up eventually, but how can it ever be the same? I have no idea now if he’s been lying to me about other things, like how often he sees this married woman or anything else. It’s all the deception I thought could be avoided by being “open”. I’m crushed. 😦

Backfired!

craigslist-ad

So the Professor is out of town tonight (coaching) and I’ve been playing around a bit on Craigslist seeing what I can drum up. This time it’s not a secret and he knows what I’ve been up to. He’s not thrilled, obviously, but he is accepting it. I mean, I haven’t seen HIM for a couple of weeks, at least not for sex, and well, I’m horny, lol.

He has come by here a couple of times. Once to surprise my kids and I with hot donuts for breakfast (he left them on the porch, not that I really should be eating them but it was a sweet gesture and they were good) and another time he bought new shoes for two of my kids who he knew needed some. So I know the man cares about me. He wouldn’t be doing random stuff like that otherwise and I love it! Still, the most I’ve gotten physically from him in a bit is a hug.

He’s been saying he didn’t feel well due to meds that he is still on for a prostate infection (thankfully it’s not cancer but not completely healed). So I guess he hasn’t wanted to have sex as much, but it is hard for me not to take stuff like that personally. I’m pretty sensitive after being married to someone for so long that didn’t want to sleep with me. He also had some kind of a cold or something going on and said he didn’t want to get me sick.

So I have slept with my fuck buddy once right before Christmas but that’s really been it and I’m climbing the walls over here, haha. On top of that, the Professor is in the city where that married woman he sees happens to live. He says they weren’t going to see each other though, because she was going to be out of town herself that weekend so it didn’t work out.

Anyhow, not knowing for sure what he was gonna be up to I felt more motivated to put out an ad. Hey, it’s quick and easy, anonymous and always gets a good response. I’ve only actually slept with I think 4 guys off of Craigslist but that’s where I found the married man and my fuck buddy, so 50/50 it has turned out to be a good deal and the other two guys weren’t bad at all they just didn’t last for different reasons.

One guy was significantly younger than me (22) and I just felt awkward about the age difference and couldn’t get past it and the other was this Latino guy that was really cool as a person and not bad in bed but I couldn’t get past the fact that he was OBSESSED with the fact he could still get milk out of my breasts. I mean it wasn’t just a passing fancy for him, it was driving him WILD and ooking me out more than a little bit. Otherwise he was a great guy but I let that drop at a one night stand too even though he contacted me several times after. The young guy is a waiter at a restaurant here in town and I have seen him since and he and I were texting and he looked all handsome and everything when I saw him but I just couldn’t go there. I’m clearly not cougar material.

I’ve figured out that any time a woman posts an ad in the casual encounters section looking for men in my city it gets flagged and taken down almost immediately. No matter WHAT it says. I find that really odd because men post really flagrant stuff on there and no one messes with their ads, but whatever. Any time I put up an ad it is taken down in about 30 minutes to an hour or so. Still, in that time frame I get about 30 responses, usually. At any given time you can look at the W4M section in the casual encounters here and it is either completely empty or close to it and that is why. I’ve seen other women’s ads suffer the same fate.

So I put up my ad and was honest to the Professor about it. I got the typical number of responses, most of whom didn’t fit the description I asked for but a few did. Then my ad was flagged as usual.

Meanwhile I texted and talked to two guys on the phone and have a couple that I have shared some emails with. I’m actually kind of picky about who I respond to because I don’t want to get guys hopes up, but both these guys were nice looking and seemed like they could be my type. One of the guys was at a hotel here in town and we had talked on the phone several times (after exchanging pics) and were supposedly going to meet then he disappeared and didn’t call back when he said he was going to. EYEROLL. That’s okay though. I was feeling a little iffy about him anyway. His pictures were cute but I KNOW I saw one of them before and I was thinking it was a guy who flaked out like that and even said so to him and asked if that was really his pic and he said yes. He claimed that I had told him I couldn’t meet before because I was going to a BBQ. I have no recollection of that but I guess it’s possible. Makes ya wonder though!

The other guy says he wants to meet but can’t tonight. Blah. That doesn’t help me a bit, lol.

The funny thing is that the couple of times I have put out ads I have gotten some of the same guys answering. Like, they make a hobby out of this. My fuck buddy has even answered me a couple of times by accident and I tease him about it, lol. He didn’t answer my ad tonight but I talked to him and he asked “where’s your boy?” referring to the Professor. When I told him he’s out of town he was like damn, you should have come here to be with me tonight then. I didn’t even know that was an option. The good thing about Mr. Fuck Buddy is he is ALWAYS in the mood for sex, lol. He’s as horny as me in that regard and I need to keep that in mind. Problem is he lives an hour and a half away, but he’s got a new job here in town that he will be starting soon, yay! I haven’t asked why he needs a job here when he’s already in the military and has work with that, but who knows.

So while I’m doing all this the Professor was seeming a bit jealous that I was looking. So instead of chilling at his hotel like he originally planned, he decided to go to a swinger party. I told him to have fun and he was like “you don’t really mean that”. I said it’s actually easier seeming when he is far away and not emotionally attached to any of the people. Still, now that I am here NOT doing anything and he possibly IS, it is a lot harder. :/ My plans for an exciting night totally backfired and now HE’S probably the one getting laid by someone else while I’m not. Ugh. He says he won’t stay out too late because he has to get up early in the morning but I guess we will see. He’s supposed to tell me if he does anything tonight.

Earlier, I had asked the Professor if he would feel better about things if I slept with the couple that propositioned me. He said maybe, it depended on how hot they were. I was like ok, is it better if they are hot or not?? And he said if they weren’t too hot it would be better. So I said they were average and he said then go ahead. WTF? In that case he said have fun, just not too much fun. LOL Actually the guy WAS kinda cute but she was more average. Anyway, they got back to me but it was later tonight so maybe someday, but not today.

What got me is he made a comment about how he’s “been good for a long time”. Good? What is that supposed to mean? Is not having sex “good”?? LOL Is he saying that I am holding him back from having sex with other people? That he feels he is doing it to “be good” to me? I’m not sure I want that because that’s the sort of thing that makes a person build up resentment towards the other person. Like, I am restricting his freedom, instead of him choosing to do it on his own. I don’t know. I was actually trying to encourage him to go ahead and go out tonight because I know it’s LESS difficult for me than some other circumstances could be. I’m hoping he will feel like he has gotten his and not be as upset when I sleep with my fuck buddy too.

Yeah, I still don’t really like it, but I’ll live, right? :p