Tag Archive | moving on

What lies ahead?

Hi everyone!  Hope you are having a fabulous 2014 so far!  My New Year started with a bang! Almost literally, and I don’t mean the sexual kind, lol.  I got into a little fender bender, but all is well. It’s the other person’s fault, so yay for insurance companies!! Things should be up and running again soon. Same goes for my laptop.  I am still without, but the warranty company has offered to pay for a new one.  😉  It’s just a matter of time.

Boring stuff aside, I have some exciting news!!  It looks like 2014 is going to be the year I move to the big city!  Bye, bye backwards small town life and hello to a whole new world of opportunity!  Actually, it’s a small town too, but on the outskirts of a big city, so a lot more to do and close to the hubbub, but not too close for comfort.  I’ll be closer to my family as well, but not right up under them, which is probably a good thing.

Guess who else I’ll be closer to?  The Host, the Bodybuilder, Mr. Firm and even the Married Man (should he ever change his mind).  Heck, the Pilot lives up that way and so does the guy I had the affair with, though I have no plans to see either of them.  Really, there’s not much of anyone left here.  Well, minus the Professor.  He’s kind of resurfaced lately and even brought my family some groceries the other day when we were stuck at home and couldn’t get to the store. 

Oddly enough, he doesn’t seem to want to have sex.  At least he’s being nice but I really don’t get it.  I’m kind of hoping he will change his mind.  It would be rather convenient if I had someone here for when I bring the kids back to see their dad. 😉

I told my ex I was thinking of leaving and, as suspected, he didn’t protest.  I even went out of my way to ask him how he feels about it and if he would be alright with not seeing the children frequently.  He didn’t seem to care.  It really makes me sad, yet at the same time, I am glad we at least have the ability to move.   The crazy thing is, I will probably have loads more support with family nearby than I ever had from him, when it comes to our kids. 

I guess some things are just bittersweet.  I never dreamed, when I married my ex husband, that he would turn out to be the kind of person he has.  My impression of him was that he’d be a great family man. In fact, that is one of the reasons I chose to marry him.  I am so disappointed and still mad at myself for being so blind.  It hurts to see my kids facing his rejection.  Even worse than it hurts that he didn’t love me or want to have sex.

In any case, I feel strongly that this move is meant to be.  I’d been considering it for awhile and when I went to talk to my landlord about something entirely different, he broke the news that he is wanting to sell our house when the lease is up.  The timing is perfect, what with my fuck buddy moving away and pretty much all ties here being broken.

So wish me luck!  My success here has been negative lately, lol.  This past weekend Craigslist was dead and I’ve not been too impressed with the guys on the dating sites either.  Perhaps it’s the weather but I’m also taking it as a sign that it is time to move on. I’ve yet to have sex in 2014, but don’t worry, I have another party planned soon ;).

I admit to having taken a peek at the Craigslist up there, and even emailed a bit with one guy. He’s kinda cute, so we will see. 😉 I suspect it will be even easier up there than it is here.
 

Meanwhile, Mr. Firm has continued to impress me over text.  He’s like, everything I could want in a man and then some. Plus, he’s taken, so I don’t have to worry about him getting needy on me.  Okay, maybe it’s really that I have issues with unavailable men, or something, but he’s the good kind. 😉  He won’t be THAT close when I move, unlike some of the others, but still a lot more chances to see him than I would have here.

I just can’t get over how awesome he is!  Maybe it’s just a dose of infatuation, but it seems like the more I get to know, the more I like who he is as a person.  Add that he is just fantastic in bed and I’m going crazy, lol.  I mean, how many guys could just sit there and not bat an eyelash when I told him all the stuff I was doing at that orgy party without him??  And still treat me just exactly the same afterwards??  He is SO FUCKING COOL. 😀 Believe me, I was watching for his reaction too, haha.

He’s a great flirt and has the ability to get me really, really, hot, plus he actually LISTENS to me when I am talking about things and offers the greatest advice.  He’s reliable, and always answers texts, he’s honest, he doesn’t play games.  I wish every guy was like that.  Even though it seems like most times we’ve been together I haven’t been at my best, he doesn’t seem to mind at all and still appears to like me a lot, haha.  Like one time I had just gotten my hair done and had dye all down my forehead.  Last time, I passed out drunk. I won’t get into the rest of my mishaps, but he appears unfazed by it all and usually just laughs like he thinks its cute, lol. ::: swoon ::: 😀

The Host is so far so good as well.  He hasn’t been talking too much over text but he did invite me for a weekend trip with him soon and of course the upcoming party.  I’m looking forward to it and hopefully will have more to tell before long. 😉

My thoughts are starting to come together regarding the book I want to write, so perhaps this will be the year I get it done. I’m so looking forward to all the possibilities. Happy New Year everyone! 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t look back…

bridgeonfire

Well, things have come to a final close with the Professor.  My hope is gone and I know it’s over.  He tried to act polite and maybe even lead me on a little with our most recent discussion, but I asked a male friend to look over our texting transcript and give me his honest opinion.

 Basically, he told me I was giving too much weight to the little scraps of hope and that the Prof was being a tad dishonest.  Like one time I asked him straight out if a comment he made meant he still liked me and he said “sure”.  I asked “sure? lol “ and he claimed his phone had changed his “yes” answer to “sure”.  Considering the possibility of that is about zero, yeah, he had to be full of shit.

Anyhow, the whole interaction left me feeling pretty awful, even though he purported to be having a hard time too.  His actions belied his words.  Without a man to interpret that for me I probably would have continued grasping at straws.  It was hard to accept reality, but it also took a huge weight off my shoulders. 

I’m finally done.  I don’t think there is any going back now, even if he changed his mind.  The respect I had for him has kinda gone out the window and I feel betrayed and hurt and don’t want to mess with it again.  I asked him to delete the videos he has of me and he said he would.  Then I told him to forget he ever met me.  He gave some lame reply about how he wouldn’t forget, which I didn’t respond to.  As far as I’m concerned he can fuck off.

I broke down and cried after the conversation, and again last night when my head hit the pillow, but it’s different.  I don’t want him back. I have no desire to check up on him, I just want to stay far, far away.  Only once do I remember having a breakup this painful and it hurt me for YEARS.  I can’t allow that to happen. 

My self -esteem has taken quite a blow but Lovergirl always hits the ground running.  I’ve got an interesting new prospect in the wings.  Actually, he is someone off the swinger site that has an uncanny resemblance to the Professor.  I almost ignored him because of that and the issues I’ve been having with him but decided not to let that affect my decision.

In an interesting twist of fate, he has also been validated on the site by the married woman that sees the Professor.  I’m not sure what that means exactly, as he has a LOT of very positive sounding references from the ladies.  I have no idea how well they might know each other but he does live up in her general direction. 

At first this kind of put me off, because I’d like to avoid dabbling in the Professor and this woman’s social circle for the time being, but at the same time, if I want to hook up with anyone off that site or at parties it is probably something I will have to face eventually.  SO, I’m like, fuck it, I’ll just do my thing and not worry about that.

I had sex once before, with a man who had been validated by the married lady.  She had great things to say about him online but he and I didn’t hit it off very well at all.  He drove 4 hours and got a hotel to come fuck me but it wasn’t the greatest experience.  I didn’t find him to be my “type” and he didn’t follow through on the promises he made for the bedroom.  Like he said he would give me a full body massage and go down on me.  Never happened.  The most exciting moment of the night was when the condom snapped off and got lost inside me for a minute.  I also can’t assume that just because we have the same taste in the Prof we’d be similar with other guys.  Still I’m sure there are going to be SOME overlaps in that area. 

Anyhow, let me tell you all about the new guy.  I’m kind of excited, but well, you’ve seen how that plays out for me sometimes. Don’t want to jump the gun here too much! Trying to keep in mind that it may be another let down, but it’s fun to imagine anyway.

The recent prospect lives a few hours away.  We haven’t met yet and due to circumstances it will be a couple of weeks before we do.  His car is in the shop because of a minor accident and I’m expecting my period to arrive next week (unless it’s 6 days late again!) In any case it seems like forever right now but we have been doing a lot of texting and I like his personality.

His rave reviews on the site are definitely a big factor in my interest, lmao.  A few women mentioned his expertise in using all of his tools properly and how he rocked their world.  Yeah, I can handle that ;).  His looks, well, at first I thought he looked a little too much like the Professor, but on closer observance I’d say he’s objectively better looking.  I don’t think most people would be all “damn he’s hot” when looking at a picture of the Prof but my emotions colored my response to him. 

So “hot” wasn’t my first thought but he is definitely do-able.  He has some kind of job that involves strategic planning at an Army headquarters and I guess he’s the boss.  He also flew a helicopter in Iraq and Afghanistan, which is pretty damn cool, so from now on I’ll probably refer to him as “the Pilot”.

He’s been in “the Lifestyle” for 4 years, and is 40 years old.  According to him, he would love to find a woman that would attend parties with him occasionally.  I’m not opposed to that, just need to watch out that I don’t end up in a similar situation as I did with the Professor, if we do hit it off.  I’ve asked him a few questions to try and see where his head is at and so far so good.  He tries not to get emotionally attached but loves the feeling of connection with the women he plays with. 

Sexually, we seem, so far, to be a really good match.  He likes to dominate, and our likes and dislikes appear to be similar.  He’s not particularly into anal, can take it or leave it (yay!) and loves to eat pussy (my kind of man!).  He asked me what my “limits” are and that question always throws me for a loop because you are never sure what kinds of activities they are imagining.  Apparently my answers were entertaining.  Like I said that I didn’t like anyone biting my nipples, no fisting, don’t slap me in the face or call me names and he laughed and said he wasn’t planning anything like that! 

He did admit to having fucked quite a few wives and having it videotaped and he said he doesn’t mind incidental contact with males but doesn’t want any intentional touching.  This led me to ask if he has tried DVP (double vaginal penetration).  I have no interest in it myself but am kind of morbidly curious since the Prof and another man have told me they have done so.  Sure enough, he says he has, twice, with one couple.  He said the woman really enjoyed it but it wasn’t particularly his thing or anything.  Gosh, this is more common than I would have thought, or else he and the Prof and the other dude are all talking about the same couple!  Ha!

He told me an interesting story about a swinger party he attended in a small town about an hour and a half away that has a population of like 2,000.  I guess they had a party there a couple of years ago that was specifically for white women who were into black men.  It was on a farm out in the middle of nowhere, and he says he fucked 7 women in a row and ended up breaking the couple’s bed.  Hmmm…  haha.  Well, at least we know he’s got some stamina.

In any case, he’s planning on driving here, getting a hotel for the night and taking me out to dinner and for drinks.  I’m looking forward to it.  In the meantime, he texts quite a lot and keeps telling me how interested in me he is, so I guess that’s good news.  Hopefully nothing gets ruined during our two week wait.

His pictures were nice but the first pic he sent of his cock I was thinking it didn’t look all that big.  Yet, he made a comment about how my pics made “all 8 ½ inches stand up” so maybe it’s an illusion.  Also I was thinking he needed a trim around the pubic area but maybe it was just the lighting and background because the next pic didn’t look bad.  Idk, I kinda like a bit of manscaping because it’s easier for me to do what I wanna do to him, but I’m not asking him to shave it all off or anything.  Actually, not saying a word, haha, but thinking.  Maybe it was the lighting effect of the supposed pubic fro that made his junk look shorter than he says. 

Wish me luck though, it seems so far that this one has some promise to develop into something fun and maybe more than just a one night stand.  In the meantime I have to figure out what I am going to do with myself this weekend!  I have been chatting back and forth a bit with a guy that says he takes Boudoir photos, but he is going to be gone too.  I know that sounds sketchy and I even met him through Craigslist, but he actually seems pretty professional and you sign forms and whatnot and get a cd of touched up images.  He’s trying to build a portfolio.   I would so love to have some pics like that of myself.

I don’t know, despite my insane amount of horniness lately (I haven’t had sex in 3 weeks!!) I may decide to take a little healing break and spend some time alone or shopping for cute clothes and lingerie or even a new vibrator, rather than go on a date this weekend.  Don’t count on it though, will see what happens next. 😉

Fucking the police

truckstop

So I went and saw the retired military policeman and we had a pretty good time.  Originally we were going to meet at a hotel and go out for drinks first but he ended up texting me a couple days before, saying he was going to be in town Sunday instead of Saturday and only for a few hours.  We could just meet at the truck stop. 

Normally, I wouldn’t have been especially keen on meeting and fucking a guy in his truck at a truck stop.  However, we’d met for drinks already the last time and he really did seem like someone I’d probably like.  He is nice looking, super tall (6’5”), very clean and a gentleman.  I enjoyed talking with him on our little date and thought, what the hell, why not?

He originally emailed me on the swinger site and the first time we met was only because I was going to be in his town anyway to see my fuck buddy.  He proposed that we meet up for drinks before I went to fuck him and it worked out great.  Fuck buddy was shaking his head that this guy was willing to do that, knowing I was coming to see HIM afterwards instead. After the date he DID say he was jealous that he wasn’t the one getting me that night, but he wasn’t pushy or anything.

According to his driver’s license, which he actually let me take a picture of before we had sex in his truck, he was born in 1966, so he’s actually 46, just like he said.  That makes him the oldest guy I’ve been with yet.  He’s good looking and in great shape, he says due to lifting all these metal bars he transports around on this flatbed truck. There was some mention of him possibly taking another officer job here soon.  He’s only been driving the truck about 6 months and claims I’m the only woman he’s had sex with in there yet.

The only thing that threw me for a loop was that he says that he currently lives with his daughter and grandchild when he is not driving the truck but that she is leaving to do some military work in Afghanistan for several months.  Okay, so while she’s gone his ex- wife is going to move back into his place to take care of the grandbaby.  He swears up and down they are actually divorced.  That sounds a bit suspect though, I mean, come on, seriously?  Haha  He was married for 20 years and did admit to having had an affair for the last 7 years.

His explanation of it all was that they still get along really well and have to for the kids (who are grown).  I asked wouldn’t it be awkward with them both seeing other people and he said no.  I don’t know about all that.  After I left, he texted that he’d hoped I had a good time and that I felt safe enough to delete his driver’s license photo.  Yeah right!  I copied that shit onto my computer.

Anyhow, when I arrived and pulled up next to his truck he came outside to meet me and had me step on up inside the cab.  I was wearing like 3 inch heels so a bit challenging, lol, but it was cool.  I’ve never been in a truck like that.  It was nice and clean and had a bed in the back.  He had it all set up with a tv and stereo system and everything you need on little pull out shelves, sort of like the inside of an RV.

We sat in there and talked for a while and he was telling me how much of a neat fanatic he is. He even irons his SOCKS.  LMAO.  Who does that??  Oh yeah, military guys always freaking LOVE ironing, it cracks me up! I iron NOTHING, thank you fluff cycle on the dryer.  He needs to come iron mine and my kids clothes sometime ;).  He irons his boxers too…and his handkerchiefs. 

Before we met up he had texted asking me about condoms and I said I’d feel better if he used them.  So he had a box of Trojans sitting there on the shelf when I came in.  As I suspected though, they never got touched.  He told me beforehand how careful he is about who he plays with and that he is allergic to penicillin and all kinds of meds so he can’t be getting any STD’s.  He also knows I am not on birth control and swore he didn’t want any more babies and would never cum inside me.  Still, as much as I hate the FEEL of condoms I still would have rather he worn one. 

He seemed to be emphasizing how little he plays.  He’s new to the swinger site but said he slept with one woman while her husband took pictures.  He also mentioned that he and his cousin tag team the cousin’s fiancé regularly.  Interesting…. On our first date he had mentioned that he played with two women with another guy for an extended period of time and said he has only been to one swinger party.

I’m thinking though, that how could a guy who is travelling around on this truck, with a bed in the back, NOT be playing more than that?  He says he just likes to be really selective and that he has always told these hookers at the truck stops that knock on their doors no (they call them “lizards”). 

He said he would really like to go to some parties with me sometime.  I’m thinking that could be interesting.  Not that it wouldn’t be fun, but what if we ran into the Professor?  Part of me would feel bad but really I have no obligation to him anymore. Enough about the Professor though, trying not to think about him.

Onto the sex, it was pretty darn good!   He’s more “vanilla” in the sense that he doesn’t like anything to do with tying people up or whips and chains.  Mostly that’s okay but I do think it would be fun to try handcuffs. He said maybe those but that’s about it and that he doesn’t spank a woman unless she asks him.  Boo, that takes all the fun out of it! I finally fuck a policeman and no handcuffs?  Dangit!  I didn’t comment though.  He also said he really doesn’t like to “fuck” but would rather “make love”. 

I don’t mind that at all and see myself as more on the lovemaking end of the spectrum too, but I do like a little roughness occasionally.  He said he also likes anal but wouldn’t push it.  Then he told me he likes his nipples licked and sucked on and that once when he was drunk the woman he had the affair with stuck her finger up his ass and he wasn’t opposed to that.  I’m thinking that might have been a hint, but I didn’t go there lol.  I’ve yet to do that with anyone, not that I think it’s that big of a deal.

We were kissing and got naked and he licked and sucked on my nipples before I got down on my knees and gave him a blowjob.  He had told me beforehand how much he likes eye contact so I made sure to give him a lot of that.  He kept commenting on how much he loves my green eyes.  Then he went down on me and OMG, he was pretty darn good at that!!  He made me cum a couple of times with his fingers and tongue and kept telling me how good I tasted. 😉

The setup of the bed in the back of the truck was really kind of perfect for having sex.  There were all kinds of places to put your feet or hold onto when the need arose, lmao.  We did all the normal positions, missionary, doggy, me riding him (which I always feel like is easier when you have something to hold onto and can move better), and a couple I’ve never tried before.  Like he had me lying on my side while he was on his knees on the bed and lifted up my leg and went in at an angle. He also had some little lights that I guess are supposed to be used for reading or something in the truck and he turned one right on my ass while he had me bent over the bed for awhile, lol, like a spotlight or something, too funny. 

He got a little more aggressive as the sex went on and I always enjoy that.  At first he seemed to want me to direct things and kept saying this was about me since he was going to cum no matter what.  Anyhow, lots of eye contact and kissing and he really liked that I again sucked his dick after we had been fucking awhile.  He said it really turns him on to see a woman taste her own juices.  I don’t know why guys like that so much but the Professor was the same way, lol.

We came to a stop at some point and he hadn’t cum yet, or at least that’s what he said.  He was like “I swear I didn’t cum inside you” and I’m thinking God I hope not!!  After the married man claiming he came inside me once without me knowing, I’m a tad paranoid. 

He said he had to take a break and that he could see he was going to have to stay in shape to keep up with me.  Then he was telling me how much he loves my body and how wet I was and that he couldn’t get over how passionate I am in bed and that I’d appeared shy to him at first.  Yeah, guys tend to think that but once the clothes come off the game changes!  😉

So during our little break he cuddled with me and we watched some porn.  While it was on he asked me to come sit on his face, facing forward so I could still see the TV.  So he was licking me and fingered me to an orgasm, saying he wanted to see if he could make me squirt.  That didn’t happen but it did feel really good and then I rode him reverse cowgirl for a bit before going back to missionary and then him jacking off onto my chest. 

He very nicely wiped me up with paper towels afterwards, lol and said that he was glad he wasn’t going to be able to shower for the next day while driving because he wanted to still be able to smell me.  We talked and cuddled just a little bit more before I said I needed to head back home and he walked me back to my vehicle and gave me a hug and a kiss.  He says he will be back in a week or so and would really like to see me again but not to worry he is not a stalker.  If he wants to hook up he will just text and see if I am interested.  Works for me!!   Maybe I’ll get over the Professor sooner than expected after all. 😉

Drying the tears

Ironically, the Professor actually sang this song to me once, after we’d had sex. It came on the stereo and he said he’d sung it as part of a duet when he was in show choir in high school. :/

Everything is reminding me of him. Last night I woke up from a dream that he was crying and sending me a bunch of text messages saying he missed me. Then I dreamt that he sent a video of his day at work, just couldn’t get him out of my subconscious I guess. I took my kids out for frozen custard and of course it was to the same place where he’d taken us before. I emailed with a guy off Craigslist about riding his Sybian (lol) and guess where he lives? It sounds like it’s the same freaking apartment complex as the Professor!!

Now I’m thinking if I try and actually follow through with that the Prof might see my vehicle and think I’m stalking him! LOL Um, no, I was just err, visiting this guy I met off Craigslist that I’m not even attracted to because it sounded like a fun idea to ride his Sybian? LMAO. I do want to try it again and this guy looks relatively harmless, as opposed to some guys I’d emailed with off there in the past. He looks like someone’s dad.

I had contemplated doing something like that once when the Prof and I were still talking and he wasn’t too keen on the idea. He thought it sounded dangerous and like some random guy off Craigslist wouldn’t really just want to watch, like he says. The exhibitionist in me thinks it would be fun to have him just watch, lol, but he doesn’t look like someone I’d want to sleep with. I don’t want to feel obligated. Still, like I said, this guy seems pretty decent and respectable and it sounds like he’s done this before.

Still, it seems like a fun way to get my rocks off and not actually have to have sex with someone and maybe regret it afterwards. Oh, and the motor ran out on my vibrator and I have to get a new one so I’m going crazy in the meantime! BAD TIMING!! Sheesh. No more sex with my favorite person and my freaking sex toy fails me too. Dangit! LOL Thank God for my shower massager. I had to use it twice today.

Anyhow I do have a date planned for this weekend, for sex, with the guy I met right before seeing my fuck buddy while the Professor was out of town. He is a retired military police officer, a couple years older than the professor, but in awesome shape and he’s nice looking too. Now that he’s retired he drives some kind of flatbed truck around and he says that loading it gives him a great workout and that’s why he has six pack abs. I can handle that! LOL Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll have an old pair of handcuffs hanging around somewhere 😉 ;).

I met him on the swinger site and he seems really nice. I actually responded to his email because something about his pics and attitude reminded me a little bit of the Professor. He’s 6’5″ (!!!) and he’s done the swinging thing in another state over the past few years but before that he was married for 20 years. He said he used to paint his wife’s toenails for her and was telling me how in a pinch you can do French tips using whiteout, lol. Maybe I can get a pedicure while I’m there too!

Ha, I’m playing but he is back in town and wanted to meet me at a hotel between here and where he lives before he takes off again on his truck. I’m thinking that sounds fun right now. According to him he really likes to go down on women and sometimes use toys. Plus he’s got an 8 inch cock. 😉 He was gonna take me out for drinks again beforehand.

Oh, and I’ve got another possible date lined up the day before with a guy who also says he just moved here. I met this one on Plenty of Fish. He’s a couple years younger than me and his pics are pretty cute with a really nice smile. He works with special needs kids and is also a personal trainer. He plays on a local basketball league too. We’ve texted back and forth a little bit and so far I like him.

Meanwhile I’ve resurrected my OkCupid profile. I still had it but the email inbox was full and I hadn’t bothered to update it for a long time. The minute I cleared out old emails and put up a couple new pics I was being inundated with zillions of new guys trying to hit me up.

Sometimes the dating sites are a little overwhelming. Like I don’t have time to email everyone back and keep up with the amount of guys that are contacting me all at once. I had to disable instant messaging on that site and POF because it’s just too freaking crazy.

I even got a hate mail already from some dude because he had emailed me and so I clicked on his profile but didn’t have a chance to write him or anything. He lived too far away anyway so it didn’t seem worth my time. Anyhow, his first email said “nice smile” and when I clicked on his profile he sent me this:

Yea most of you American females just aren’t that appreciative. I take back the compliment.

I’m thinking, God what a dick. So I clicked on his profile again to see where the hell he was from that he was making nasty comments about “American” females. I of course didn’t bother to respond to his hating and he so he sent me this:

You need to stop viewing my profile since you can’t appreciate a genuine compliment from a stranger. All you women do on here is ignore men who are trying to talk and have a decent conversation. I have to admit that western women are really no good when it comes to dating/relationships and it’s no surprise a lot of you are single and lonely at an older age. I don’t know why it’s so hard talking to western women. Good luck and please don’t view my profile anymore.

Not wanting to buy into his needless drama, I ignored the comment and didn’t look at his profile again. SO he then sends me THIS:

Most of you women are on here for the attention and to boost your ego. Too bad men have to deal with this crap.

Wha?? Sheesh! Chill the fuck out already, seriously!! And you wonder why women don’t respond back to you?? UGH

Oh and I’ve gotten like ten emails already with comments about my boobs. They are like “nice chest” or “nice peaches”. WTF? Are we in middle school again? Like really? That is so crass. I’m not even wearing a super revealing top or anything. I’m in a sundress in the pics and you can see a little bit of cleavage but it’s not trashy looking at all. Men… I swear, would anyone really be jumping at the chance to email back a guy who is all grunt, grunt “nice tits you got there”? SMFH

Anyway, wish me luck! I so need to get my mind off the Professor. :/ It would be nice not to break into tears several times a day. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.

Trying to keep it moving :/

Heart-break_OM-Times

Well, it looks like the Professor and I are done seeing one another.  I’m still reeling from the pain and don’t really even want to write about it much.  Suffice it to say that we are “broken up”.  My heart feels like it’s been run over by a steamroller.

 He fed me all kinds of typical one liners about WHY.  He even said “it’s not you, it’s me”,” maybe we will get back together in the future when I’m ready for a different kind of relationship” and “this hurts me too”.  He claims that he still has feelings for me. Then I asked him if he valued the relationship he has with the married woman more than the one he has with me.  He said he didn’t until now, when I supposedly caused all the trouble by giving him drama about it.

 According to him the reason he got into the Lifestyle was to get away from drama and this situation with me has caused too much of it and is too much like a typical monogamous relationship. I love how he tries to pin all the drama on me as though he wasn’t doing anything to cause it, or giving  me any himself.  Ugh!  Well, he did admit that he has been getting jealous too and said maybe it all was more his issues (hence the “it’s not you it’s me” bullshit).  

I don’t know but fuck him.  I guess it’s time to move on.  I’m upset with myself for letting down my guard.   I really do have feelings for him and I’ve done a lot of crying and very little eating for the past couple of weeks. :/ 

I wasn’t trying to give him drama.  I really thought I was trying NOT to do that.  I felt like I was doing much better than I’ve done in some monogamous relationships but I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just not cut out for this open stuff.  It seems like if it had been handled differently it may have been easier but really it’s just a scary thing sharing someone you have feelings for, when you don’t have the reassurance that you won’t be abandoned for another person.  It seems like in this case all my fears were reinforced, because in the end I do feel like I’ve been abandoned for someone else.

I feel sick.   On the plus side there are still other men in my life.  In a shameless appeal for some attention from a few of them I decided to take a few new naughty pics and send them out.  Well, the idea actually hit me because the married man had contacted me late last night asking if I’d meet him halfway right then (yeah right).  So he and I exchanged a few pics and I was like fuck it, I’m sending these out to everyone!  Ha. 

I’d say it worked because the guy I had the affair with was trying to get me to set up a time for him to come down again, the fwb was talking about coming to visit when he gets back from Atlanta (where he is now) and got a couple other guys telling me they missed me.  Men are so easy. 😉

Anyhow, all the crying had left me with some pretty red, puffy, swollen eyes but I treated them with cucumber slices and ice and potatoes and decided to respond to a Craigslist ad tonight.  I exchanged face pics with a cute guy and agreed to meet up for drinks. 

After enjoying a margarita and talking for a bit we decided to head back to his place.  It’s actually very close to mine, like I could probably WALK there if I wanted to.  It might take like 30 minutes if I did but is a very short drive.  I didn’t tell him just how close by I happen to live but he knows the general vicinity. 

So anyhow we hung out and talked for a bit at his house.  He told me some crazy stories about how he moved down here from Chicago with some friend who got busted for selling large amounts of cocaine and now is serving life in prison.  I admit that had me a little concerned, but he swears up and down he had no part in this operation. 

In any case he was nice looking and clean and had a clean, nice townhome where he lives by himself.  He’s my age and said he’s single as the sunlight.  I think I made it pretty clear I was just looking for sex.  I admit my mind was thinking “one night stand” pretty much from the start. He doesn’t seem like someone I’d really want a relationship with.  He smokes and drinks quite a bit and smokes pot but didn’t lay claims to doing anything else.  Still, the stories were enough to keep me from wanting to go there with him! 

So I thought this will just be an NSA thing and maybe it will help me in my quest to get over the Professor.  I had just spoken with the Prof before I went to see this guy and we weren’t “completely” broken off until after, so he knew about it.  Honestly he kept popping up in my mind during the sex, so it was hard in that sense but I know I need to get over him.

So we finally made our way up to his bedroom and he went down on me and fingered me and it was pretty good.  THEN he took off his pants.  :/  Let’s just say it might make me recant my position on not wanting a guy with a large cock because I was pretty disappointed to see that he was fairly small.  Like, maybe possibly the smallest cock I have ever seen on a man (well, I’ve seen some pictures of small ones on the swinger site but not seen them in person).  It was not only shortish, but pretty thin as well.  He was black too, by the way.  Poor guy. 

Despite having a small cock, he really did make an effort to make the sex good.  For his size he didn’t do a bad job I guess, but my heart wasn’t in it.  I was still thinking of the Professor and hurting over him and I just couldn’t be fully present.  He made some comment about how I just kept cumming and cumming and cumming and I was thinking um, no actually I haven’t cum yet but I didn’t tell him that of course. I did get kinda close a couple times but I just didn’t get there.

He wore a condom, which is good but also lessens the feeling.  A couple of times he lost his erection too and was like “I shouldn’t have jacked off earlier today, I did it for like an hour looking at your pic”.  Um, okay.  He was on top a lot of the time but also wanted me to spend a lot of time riding him (my least favorite position).  To his credit he was able to last a long time, but it was probably too long.  I kind of wanted it to be over with. 

I also spent an inordinate amount of time sucking his dick, which he loved.  He was like “you are really skilled at that”.  Sigh…  Well, I mean it was pretty easy to get most all of it in my mouth so it wasn’t a big chore or anything but it took him a long time to cum.  He tried to go back in me without a condom once and I wouldn’t let him. 

Afterwards I jumped up to clean off and get dressed and didn’t give him a chance to try and cuddle or kiss me.  I did hug him goodbye and he kept saying he would love to see me again and he hoped I wanted to see him again.  I feel kind of bad because I’m not sure I would.  He was like “you aren’t answering that and it makes me feel kind of bad”.  Ugh.  I didn’t want to hurt anyone and now I feel like I kind of used him. He hasn’t contacted me since though so maybe he won’t. I mean, he was nice and everything but I’m not into him.

I also met a new guy last week.  It was when the Professor was out of town and I was going to see my fuck buddy to keep myself occupied.  This guy lived in the same town as he does, so we decided to meet for a drink before I went to go sleep with the fuck buddy.  He was actually a pretty cool guy, a couple years older than the Professor and I think could be good in bed from the way he talks.  He’s out of town until next week but we will see. 

At the time the fuck buddy was incredulous that some guy was willing to meet with me knowing I was going to leave and come fuck HIM right after, lol, but I did meet him on the swinger site.  As he was kissing me goodbye he was like “boy, he’s a really lucky man tonight I wish it was me” or something to that effect.

I’m trying to keep myself occupied and sleeping with other people until my head and heart are in the right place again.  I don’t want to hurt anyone but just trying to get my mind off the Professor.  This stuff with him the past couple weeks has just left me feeling really broken.  I guess I should have known it would end eventually but I feel blindsided by it all.  I was finally admitting to myself that I was falling in love and then this….:(