Tag Archive | monogamy

On being a slut

So I’ve been called a slut before. Big deal, right? I like sex. Apparently that’s a bad thing for a woman in our society, no matter how much we are told otherwise.

Honestly, I find the male attitude towards female sexuality rather puzzling and disturbing. I say the male attitude, because, let’s be real, when a woman calls another woman a “slut” it’s usually code for “I hate that stupid bitch” for whatever reason, or “stay away from my man”. That’s it. Women don’t really care how many people you’ve slept with if they consider you a FRIEND or feel neutral towards you as a person. It’s only if you are an arch enemy or a sexual threat that it becomes a concern. Movie stars are only sluts if your boyfriend is attracted to them or you just don’t like them in general to begin with.

So if a woman calls me a slut I know she either hates my guts or is afraid I’m after her guy. Ok, no big deal and I’m either going to roll my eyes or smirk upon hearing her declaration. Yawn. Unless she’s trying to start a fight, in which case, well, I’m too old for that shit, lol, please. I know she’s only jealous.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about MEN, and their reason for using this terminology. From men, being called a “slut” has a completely different connotation. Men are actually CONCERNED with the number of guys you have slept with. Like, for real. WTF right?

How is this even relevant? Does sleeping with 1 person, or 10 people, or 50, or 100 REALLY make a difference in what kind of person you are, how likely you are to cheat, or what your specific relationship to THAT guy is going to be? I don’t think so!

I don’t care how many clueless guys keep posting statuses on how “you can’t make a ho a housewife” on their Facebook wall, it’s simply not a theory that is grounded in reality. Now, I will agree that you can’t MAKE her be one, but if she chooses, of her own free will, to be a monogamous housewife, her past is IRRELEVANT. A woman who has only fucked a few people in her past is JUST as capable of cheating on you as one who went wild and crazy with it and did the whole damn town. Maybe even less so, hey, she’s sown her wild oats already, JUST LIKE YOU. So often these sentiments come straight from the mouths of men who’ve been around the block a few hundred times themselves.

In any case, men will think of you as a slut or not regarding the sheer number of people you’ve slept with and what you have done. Of course their viewpoint widely varies according to their own experience level, but generally they want you to have slept with fewer people than they themselves have. EYEROLL. Like, if he’s been with 50 people and you’ve done 15, you are probably okay, but don’t you dare say 51, if you want to have any kind of relationship. It’s pertinent you find out his number FIRST so you don’t say something stupid.

Are there more open minded guys out there? Of course but guaranteed it STILL bugs him if your number is higher than his. This is why I refuse to even discuss numbers anymore with a guy.

Now don’t get me wrong, most guys will be more than happy to sleep with you if they perceive you as a “slut”. In fact, this will turn them on even more but if you are looking for commitment and a real relationship it seems to be better to play the role of the reluctant and demure maiden.

I find this Madonna/whore complex simply MADDENING. It’s absurd! Comments like “I wouldn’t want her to kiss my children with that mouth” are a dime a dozen out there. In fact, I’ve gotten little “lectures” from guys on dating sites where I checked “casual sex” as one of the options. Men telling me that I shouldn’t be asking for casual sex. Seriously. Thanks dude, for all your “concern”, but I happen to LIKE it.

Do you ever hear any such thing from women? Do we perceive a man who has been sleeping with different girls as worthless? Hardly. Sure, women will sometimes “complain” about it but often set out to be the one who finally tames the beast. Men insist on looking at a “slut” as damaged goods. Somehow, sexual experience takes away your ability to be good relationship material. That in itself seems so off. A person who has slept around has MORE relationship experience to fall back on. Granted that sometimes comes with baggage, but the same is true for men and ONE bad relationship can leave a person with enough baggage to bog down their life if they don’t learn to let it go.

So anyway, if you are polyamorous or a swinger or running around in more enlightened sexual circles this shouldn’t be a problem right? You wouldn’t think so, but I STILL come across it! Take the other night with the Professor. We got into talking about a couple of past sexual experiences. Among his was a time when he slept with three women at once. He told me the story in detail. Still, when I started to talk about my own experiences he told me that was “TMI”. ::: blink, blink ::: He didn’t want to know!

He also has chastised me for meeting men off Craigslist. Apparently this is somehow more slutty than meeting HIM off of a swinger site. Um, okay? Oh, and when I was considering a threesome with my fuck buddy and another guy and mentioned it to him he made sure to tell me he would NEVER include me in such a thing. This is from a guy who has threesomes with men and their wives regularly. I’m soooo confused!! Why is it any worse for me? I could understand him feeling jealous at the thought of me with two other men when he wasn’t there, and that is one of the reasons I kind of backed down from the idea, but to learn that he would never want to see me in that position with him and another guy was kind of eye opening.

The Professor is also always trying to make like my relationship with my fuck buddy is based on the guy treating me like crap. He can’t wrap his head around the fact that I am equally as interested in a no strings attached thing as the guy. No really, I don’t WANT it to turn emotional. I am perfectly happy with our fuck and leave arrangement. It’s like he just can’t believe that women also sometimes can benefit from that. I am a very emotional person, with SOME people, but I reserve that for those that I care about on a different level. You would think knowing that I am less attached to the other guy than him would help him feel better about things but it actually seems to bug him more.

It’s not just him either!! The Love of My Life found out some things I had done in the past, like 15 years ago, from one of his brothers and was upset by it. Really? When you were THERE back then, know I was no angel and doing just as crazy stuff as me? Come on now!

The other thing that drives me nuts is when men say “I want a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets”. No, you don’t! Quit lying!! Y’all are full of shit!! LOL The minute YOUR “lady” gets too freaky you FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Just sayin….

Ladies, I know you all know what I’m talking about because SO OFTEN when I have tried to do something more freaky with a guy I am in a relationship with or been too aggressive about seeking out sex, they put me back in my place. They may have SAID they want you to initiate things or whatever but the minute you actually TRY this you get a comment like “what are you doing?” Um….nothing….really….nevermind….Im just gonna lay here and let you decide when you want to have sex, lol. SORRY. Being a sexual pursuer as a female just doesn’t go over like it does in the movies. Men don’t like it!!

What absolutely kills me is that men seem to want women they like to appear totally virginal, even when they KNOW damn well you aren’t! Like the guy I met on AFF (ADULT Friend Finder is a sex site, for those who don’t already know) who, after drinks and being invited back to my house and making out with me on the couch, asked me if I was “really okay” with him touching my boobs and if it wasn’t “going too fast”. Like, really dude? Are we in middle school? I don’t even remember anyone saying stuff like that to me back then! Haha….

Oh, and then there was the guy off the swinger site. He’d driven 4 hours to meet me. We’d had dinner and gone back to his hotel room. I’d brought a bag to stay overnight. We’d been talking about sexual stuff for over an hour. I went into the bathroom and changed into my sexy lingerie and walked out into the bedroom area. He came over onto the bed and we were making out. Then he stops to ask me if I was “really okay” with this. I said yes. So he asks me AGAIN, TWICE, if I was “really sure” I wanted to have sex. Um, do I LOOK like I want to have sex? Then he was like “you seem nervous”. Um, no dude, YOU are nervous, lol. GAH!! I swear at that point I was about ready to tell him no, just forget it and drive me home. By the third time I was seriously wondering if he actually wanted to have sex with ME and if he was somehow not into the way I looked in my lingerie. Was there something wrong with my body? Did he not want to fuck? What the hell? LOL

I guess he wanted me to play more innocent than I actually am. That seems to be the case with men in general, really. Play dumb, play innocent, this works and makes them happy, and they wonder why women are “hard to get”? Well, duh, because GUYS have been telling us for ages that we shouldn’t be too quick to sleep with you. Pick up almost any relationship book written from a man’s viewpoint and he’s telling you if you want respect you need to wait until you’ve been dating for awhile to have sex and blah, blah, blah. Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

Pssshhhh….quit complaining guys, you dug your own hole. We know damn well if we throw ourselves at you or let you know just how fun all of our previous sexual exploits were, you’ll never consider us for a relationship. And that’s what every woman WANTS, deep down, I don’t care how “slutty” she is, she wants to develop REAL RELATIONSHIPS, not JUST sexual ones (though occasional flings or NSA things are fine). So we learn how to put up a front, for your benefit. If you don’t want that then stop asking for it. Don’t shame her when she tells you about her past and let her be herself. Don’t use the number of guys she’s been with or amount of things she has done as your ruler and measuring stick to what kind of person she’ll be. There are great women who’ve had a lot of sex and total bitches who’ve done the same thing. The same can be said of virgins! Sexual experience does not define character. I’m starting to sound like Bill Clinton, ha.

Seriously though, sluttiness isn’t always a bad thing. You may miss out on a great girl because you rated her sexuality as being negative. Fear of female sexuality is why you might not be getting any right now.

While I’m at it, stop assuming that every female who sleeps around HAS to want to sleep around with every guy she meets. A woman who likes sex doesn’t have to be indiscriminate about it. Most times, we AREN’T. We still don’t want to fuck most guys and are still going to be picky. Deal with it. Because she fucked some guys you know doesn’t mean you have a hall pass to fuck her too. It’s not necessarily going to happen. Likewise just because she is “slutty” doesn’t mean she wants to do every sexual act that you do. Maybe she sleeps with a lot of guys, but still hates anal. You might have better luck with that girl who has only been with 2 guys before in her life. You just NEVER know about people.

Again, lots of sex doesn’t equal all your fantasies come true. People are individuals, treat them as so. Quit painting women as Madonnas or whores. The best of us are a bit of both. I’ve been the housewife and the ho. They really can be mutually exclusive. The question is can you be the bad boy that is also a nice guy? Cause that’s what I want, dammit! 😉