Tag Archive | miscarriage

To everything there is a season…

pregnantheart

I’m still alive! It’s been over 2 months since I have written in my blog and I have missed it. There are some reasons that I have been holding back, and it’s more than just being busy. I think my emotions got the best of me, to the point where I was almost AFRAID to write about it.

I’ve been scared to admit, even to myself, just how hard I’ve fallen for the Cohort. Somehow, even writing it down, makes me feel really vulnerable. I’m going to be brave here though, and admit that I really, really like him. The married man asked if I love him (he can tell my behavior has changed, and wanted to know what was up) and I still didn’t want to use those words, but yeah, I’m in pretty deep.

I know, there have been others. Some of you all will remember the Professor. I don’t think that’s even close to comparable to this situation though. I mean, I’m looking at this man and thinking IF (big IF) he wanted it (and I’m still unsure about his true feelings on the matter), I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him, open OR monogamous.

In the past couple of months, since I last wrote in my blog, I have only slept with the married man one other time. It was at his house, in his home office, during the day. I was on his desk, bent over the desk, and laying on the desk with my head on his computer keyboard, lol. It was fun, but my heart, is elsewhere. He can tell. He’s like why don’t you want to meet up as often, you are seeing someone aren’t you?

I’ve gone on dates a few times, and there is even this guy that keeps buying me flowers and wants to be my boyfriend, but I’m just not feeling it. Different men have tried to resurface from my past (like the guy who originally introduced me to the swinger site) and I went out to lunch with them or something, but just wasn’t interested.

Actually, it’s probably a good thing I haven’t been having sex with others, because something happened recently with the Cohort and I was very thankful that there was no question in my mind about other men. He got me pregnant.

I knew, the moment he came inside me, that it was a possibility. It was right in the middle of my cycle and I was insanely horny. We were having that great, babymaking, kind of sex and he surprised me by not pulling out. We then went on to fuck like 7 more times in a row (though he did pull out then).

For the next couple of weeks, I noted the symptoms I was having and something in me just knew. Sure enough, right before my period was due, I got a light positive on a pregnancy test. I took two more tests, wanting to be 100% sure before telling him. All positive.

What’s funny, is that, before I found out for sure, it was in the back of my head, but I didn’t say anything. Still, it almost felt like the Cohort knew. He denies knowing a thing, so maybe it was all subconscious, but some of the things he said that couple of weeks were interesting. Like, he made comments on how “fertile” I am and that made me wonder. Then he took me out one night for crab legs, which I’d never eaten before, but they are high in folic acid (especially great for older pregnant moms) followed by ice cream (calcium of course)! It was almost like he was instinctually taking care of his unborn baby (and we didn’t even have sex that night).

The night I told him, I was actually on a date with another guy. It was a second date, one that most likely would have turned into sex, had I not found out just before. I didn’t want to stand the poor guy up because he’d been super nice, but I wasn’t there emotionally. Add that the Cohort knew I was with him, and had asked me to clean up and come over and fuck HIM when I was done, and yeah, I was totally “elsewhere”. I wanted out of there so badly, even though it wasn’t a bad date and the guy seemed cool otherwise. Just, he was totally freaking me out telling me he wanted me to commit to him and not see any other men!

I later explained to the guy why I had acted the way I did, wouldn’t drink alcohol and left without the roses he bought for me. He STILL tried to get me to come back, saying he wanted to “be there” for me through it all. Heck, the guy is still texting me asking me on dates, and I feel like I have treated him pretty poorly. Emotionally, I just couldn’t do it.

In any case, I didn’t sleep with him and I went straight to the Cohort’s afterwards. I showed him a positive test. He was freaked out, as was I, but he still asked me to stay the night. We had sex, and this time, he was free to cum in me all that he wanted. A lot of that night though, was spent just staring at each other like, “what now??”

The next week was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. He was really stressed out and upset, worried about things like finances and what others would think. He even suggested abortion, which had me crushed, because its something I know I could never do. I shed a lot of tears, and the pregnancy finally ended in a miscarriage anyway. 😦

Through it all, I was encouraged, because despite his comments otherwise, I could see and feel that no matter what, should the baby have been born, he would have been there and taken raising a child with me seriously. He later told me he was worried about things like making sure my other kids and I had a bigger house and a better standard of living, that he felt like it would be unfair to them if he only focused on the baby he would be having with me. He said he couldn’t be one of these dads that just threw a couple hundred dollars and some diapers at me every month. I definitely saw him at some low points but he never tried to point blame and he was firmly “there” for me the entire time, despite fluctuating emotions.

I think, ultimately, the experience drew us closer together. He told me afterwards that my kindness and understanding towards him even when he wasn’t being very nice himself, showed him what kind of a person I really am and that he really appreciated that. Recently he made a comment about how maybe he and I will be seeing each other for a long time. I guess only time will tell if that comes to pass.

I am sad to have lost a baby, but with the grief also comes some relief. It was not under the best circumstances or timing.

I also had an interesting, and somewhat comforting, dream the other night. In my dream I was in the Cohort’s childhood home (which I’ve never seen), talking to his mother (who passed away a couple years ago, I’ve never even seen a picture). She was showing me a blanket she had stitched the Cohort’s name onto, and the date. The blanket had trains on it and she patiently demonstrated the technique she had used to put this important information on, with a blue thread. It FELT as though she were saying to let him know (pointing out his name) the baby was with her, wrapped in the blanket, and that she was taking care of things.

In any case, we are back to having sex and continuing whatever it is we have with each other. My kids were at their dads this weekend and I spent the night with the Cohort. We had sex at least 10 times in a 24 hour period, lol, plus a nice dinner, a lovely brunch, and spent some hours working together. I’m not really sure what the future holds but I am watching things develop with this man, and wondering.

Versatile? You better believe it!

Versatile Blogger Award

I love the Versatile Blog Award, because I think it really DOES describe me! I’m versatile in a lot of ways, in and out of the bedroom. 😉 This is my second time receiving this award and I am quite flattered!! 😀

A special thanks to Jack Joseph’s Mom for nominating me! I encourage you all to check out her blog. As someone who has suffered a rather traumatic miscarriage myself, I really feel for her. Even though I already had children, it affected me quite a bit. I passed my 8 week old baby/fetus onto the bathroom floor and wasn’t willing to let it go for a while, finally burying him/her in a little box in my yard. You could definitely see the features of my little developing baby, still inside the sac. I took pictures and everything.

To people who haven’t experienced something similar I’m sure it seems morbid, but that was all a part of processing the grief. I wanted to show everyone the baby and the pictures and not everyone wanted to see, which I understand, but to me it was important to acknowledge that my baby was real. I thank her for helping open people’s eyes and understanding.

On to the award! I again get to give 7 facts about myself and nominate 15 fellow bloggers! Woohoo!! In keeping with the spirit of versatility, I’m going to start out with some ways in which I fit the description.

1. From a very early age I was exposed to a lot of different people, cultures and ways of life. I was born in Hawaii, which is a melting pot in its own right, where people don’t wear shoes in the house and Polynesian and Asian traditions and languages mix in with a hodgepodge of others. Eventually we moved away and my mother married a man from South America, who barely spoke English. Of course, with him came his family and their traditions. So this little white girl had an Abuela and Abuelo and a zillion aunties, uncles and cousins. Later, my mother married a black man and I was immersed in a different subset of American culture. His family may have been less than thrilled that he was married to a white woman, but as for me, being a child, I was accepted and brought into the fold, again amongst a multitude of relatives. My mother’s mother is part Greek and my father was part Native American so add that to the mix and you can see how I grew to easily adapt.

2. Probably because of all this, I’ve always found it relatively easy to feel at home with different groups of people. In my teen years I could be found at all black parties (other than me of course) in the hood, or across town living it up with the rich white kids. The next day I might be running around with my Mexican girlfriends or drinking with the Natives. I could be seen with a group of friends with blue and green hair, mowhawks and various piercings, or with some sorority girls, depending on the day. During my married years I blended in with the conservative church folks and we lived surrounded by Amish. The only people I really seem to have a hard time relating to are redneck country people and hicks, lol. Not that I haven’t tried, it’s just the mindset seems harder to understand.

3. However, being the “white kid” growing up did have its disadvantages, lol. Occasionally it got me “drafted” into doing things my dumb ass should have said no to. As in “hey, Lovergirl, you’re white! Why don’t YOU return these stolen items to the store and get us some money! They’ll believe YOU!” Or “hey, let’s go to McDonald’s and Lovergirl can tell them they got our order wrong, so we all get free food!” I was a little too willing to go along with these schemes, lol, perhaps due to my overly kind, accommodating nature combined with lack of fear and faith in my ability to appear “innocent” but hey, most of the time it worked! It’s even been “here Lovergirl, hold my gun while I run into this gas station” and sweet talking teachers or the police. Yeah, I guess I’m blessed with a lot of pure luck too, lmao.

4. Speaking of stealing, I went through a phase as a teenager where I did some unsavory things, and that was one of them. I had a girlfriend who could walk into virtually any store and rob them blind. As far as I know she still does. My sister said awhile back that she asked her if she “needed anything” when she went shopping, lol.

From her, I learned some tricks. For one, she used to walk into a store, with no makeup on and just use whatever they had available to get ready to go out for the night. Like she’d be opening up eye shadows and mascara’s and lipstick, just putting it on there in the store, with no concern about whether or not she got caught. She’d finish with a spritz of perfume and off we’d go to a club or something, lol. SMH…..

I loved her to death but I even caught her stealing clothes from ME. Eyeroll…. Anyhow we used to walk into grocery stores and just walk out the door with 2 liters of pop, chips, whatever. One time another girlfriend and I filled an entire grocery cart, with things like pot pies and such and threw some empty boxes on top. Me, being the “white girl”, went up and sweetly asked the manager if it was okay for us to have these boxes and he said yes. So we took all of our loot and loaded up! Bad, bad!

5. Oh, that wasn’t the only thing. I worked in a donut shop and a savvy (this time white) girl taught me how to pretend I was ringing up a dozen and only charge for one donut, pocketing the rest of the money. I also handed out tons of free dozens to friends, rationalizing that they threw away so many anyway, that it wasn’t that big of a deal. It’s true that they trashed huge bagfuls of donuts at the end of every night and because of some stupid regulations couldn’t even donate them to homeless people, who would instead come digging in the trash can after hours. Oh, and the friend who showed me how to pilfer the money? She went on to become a teacher, then a scientist and now a lawyer…hmmm… I knew a preacher’s daughter too, in college, who would take stuff from Walmart all the time.

6. I also went through a “car-hopping”, as we used to call it, phase. We never stole much of any real value, but we did dress in dark clothes, tape our fingers and break into vehicles to see what we could find. Stupid, just stupid, lol, considering most of what we ended up with was spare change anyhow and at first we were actually dumb enough to use scotch tape. ::: slapping forehead :::

Thankfully I outgrew all of that. I think I’ve mentioned before that my mother never has. She is a total klepto. If that is a real disorder, then she has it. She even stole a freaking VACUUM CLEANER for my baby sister’s new apartment. How the hell, in this day and age do you get away with that? I don’t even want to know…

7. I feel like I need to redeem myself here, lest you lose all respect for me, haha. Really though, now that I’m all grown up I’m pretty straight and narrow. I try and avoid all illegal activity. My focus is on being a good mom and example.

I still enjoy talking to people from all walks of life and the accompanying diversity. So let me proceed with introducing you to some more of the many interesting blogs out there!!

1. A True Unfolding
2. His Princess 307
3. Inner Musings of a Scarlet Woman
4. Love, Sex and Marriage
5. Ding Dong, its Mr. Wrong!
6. My Life as I Know It
7. Of Fries and Men
8. Secret Diary Of a Girl
9. Research to be Done
10. The Narcissist’s Blog
11. A Girl Named Clay
12. The Bad Wife’s Guide
13. Diary of a Lolita
14. Mr. Guy Pants
15. Ask Miriam