Tag Archive | love

A friend in need…isn’t shit?

ankle-injury

Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to the Cohort. Well, he DID come back after his disappearance. He called to talk, about a week and a half later. I was happy to hear from him. He said he was surprised he didn’t hear from ME. We spoke briefly, then a few days later he texted me. Things seemed like they were getting back to normal.

Bright and early the next morning, I got a phone call. I was still half asleep. It was the Cohort and he had injured his foot at a boxing gym the night before. He said he’d been attempting to get back in shape and was in a lot of pain. He’d been up half the night hurting and was going to call his doctor as soon as the office opened. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to drive and asked if I might be able to take him.

OF COURSE! The man I love was hurting and I would do anything within my capability to help him. I jumped in the shower and drove over to his place.

We spent the day together. I drove him to the doctor and later to get an ultrasound on his foot. We went to pick up medicine at the pharmacy. In the waiting rooms, we kept each other entertained. There was a lot of banter and silliness between us, even though he was obviously in a lot of pain, that even medication was not helping with.

He texted me from the exam room while I was in the lobby. “The nurse just asked me to get naked”. I asked if she had rubbed her boobs on him yet. He responded that she said she wanted to check out his package before she looked at his foot. I said I bet she does. He was like “she said she doesn’t have anymore whipped cream for me to lick off her nipples” and I told him to “tell her you will whip up a batch of mayonnaise” (he’s always making jokes about how his cum is actually mayonnaise after we have sex). He was like “Lovergirl, you are REALLY filthy” and I told him that I was just over here keeping busy flashing guys in the lobby (he had thought my sundress was showing a lot of cleavage and asked me if I was trying to show off, beforehand).

Everything seemed good natured and fun. He took me out to lunch at Panera and I had to wait on him and help do things because it was hard for him to walk. He gave me a little money for “gas” (though I was driving his car) and was very thankful. When we got to his place I helped him wrap his foot in ice packs. He sort of hinted at having sex with me before I left but I told him that it hadn’t felt good when he disappeared the last time, that it had made me feel abandoned. He said “Lovergirl, I am not a bad guy. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like that. We should spend more time together. We make a good team”. He hugged me tightly and said it was good to see me.

I got a text from him after I went home that said my help really meant a lot. I told him not to hesitate to call if he needed anything else. All seemed well.

So the next morning, he called again. He asked if I could bring him lunch and I said sure. He also wanted me to help do some things for his business, that would have been hard for him, though his foot was getting better. He had pulled, but not torn, a tendon. He would pay me for the work I did.

I spent another day with him. I picked him up some fast food for lunch. I went to the doctor’s office to pick up a note he would need for work. I waited on him. I made him something to eat, basically just did whatever he needed. We talked and watched movies on the couch.

When I was getting ready to leave, he made a comment about how we couldn’t play anymore because that would make me feel “degraded”. It sounded like he was mocking the hurt I had expressed the night before. He didn’t hug me this time, or offer to pay for the lunch I picked up and I left feeling unsettled and kind of used.

On the drive home, I told him how I felt and somehow it blew up into a huge argument. Granted, I was about to start my period, and I do get very emotional with PMS. Anyway, I just felt hurt. Hurt that he wanted me to do all this stuff for him and to be there, but not enough to give me the reassurance that he would call after sex. Like, he’d rather not have sex at all, than give me that.

He said he hadn’t called before because “you said you didn’t want to be friends”. This is only part of the truth. What I had SAID, was that I didn’t want to be PLATONIC friends. I had told him if we weren’t having sex, then I didn’t want to be around him AT ALL. I asked, if you thought we weren’t friends, then why did you call ME when you needed someone? It degenerated from there.

He accused me of only helping him to “get” something in return, which is absolute bullshit. I helped him because I love him and couldn’t stand to see him in pain. I wanted to do everything I could to relieve him and make it better. It felt even worse to hear him say that because I felt like I was demonstrating just how much I care about him in being there and doing all that I did. There wasn’t some selfish motivation behind it.

Anyhow, my emotions were in overdrive and everything came spilling out. I told him I loved him. I told him that sitting there in the doctor’s offices with him I could see being with him the rest of my life and that this all is making me feel confused and strung along. I expressed how hurt I feel that he has not acknowledged a relationship between us, after a year of spending a couple of days a week together, talking almost every day and two pregnancies.

He said “I’m sorry- I can’t give you the feeling you want”. I was like, what feeling? What are you talking about? He wouldn’t answer and I was like just say it! I can take it and maybe it is best I hear it now. It took until the next morning to get him to actually say what he meant and here it is ” what I mean was that I can’t give you the feeling of love and affection and being the #1 woman in my life because I don’t see a long term relationship as a possibility between us”.

Ouch. 😦 Okay. I said “then get the fuck out of my life”. He said he was sorry but that he didn’t want to start his day off with negativity. I ignored it and had no intentions of talking to him further.

That should have been the end. Only it wasn’t, because something worse happened.

That night, I signed onto the swinger site and was looking at a party. He had signed up, which was no big deal, except for that he put a notation on there that he was coming AS A COUPLE with a particular other woman, who he named.

I just about freaking LOST IT. I called him and was like “how could you do this to me??” He said you are hysterical I will call you tomorrow, but I was so upset I wouldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t believe that, that very night, he was going to take another woman out to a party, like she was his girlfriend, after I’d just spent two days doing everything possible for him. I was like why didn’t you call HER?!! Why would you call ME when you needed someone, then the minute you are feeling better you turn around and take someone ELSE out? Where was she when you hurt your foot?

He said that was the only way he could get into the party. It was full on single males and so she had said he could get in with her. Nevertheless, he didn’t HAVE to sign up on the site at all if that were the case and he had to know there was a good chance I would see it. It felt humiliating and extremely hurtful. I know that I would not have gone to a party with another man so soon, just out of basic respect. I would have protected him from having to SEE that I was, for sure!

I was an absolute mess, crying and devastated. That he could still go out and have fun, knowing that, made it even more painful. It was like he didn’t even give a second thought to my feeling hurt. Yet, when he had (recently) dumped some woman he went on 3 dates with (and they never even had sex), he told me he felt really bad “for about 12 hours”. It was just so shocking and horrible and hurtful that he could blatantly disregard my feelings in that way.

That was a week ago and I am still reeling from the pain. I would have done anything in the world to keep him from hurting, but when it was me, he didn’t even seem to care at all. No compassion whatsoever. I’d even say his responses were cold and borderline mean.

He did try to call later in the week and I didn’t answer. When I returned the call about 20 minutes later he didnt pick up the phone. He later texted that he just wanted to see how I was feeling. I texted back “I don’t feel good about what happened with you. It felt, and still feels, really horrible to think of you taking someone else to a party. I feel taken for granted. I feel like I put my heart out there and it just got trampled. It feels awful to be told I will never be #1 to you or have your love and affection”.

I never heard back. Nothing. Not a word. That was 4 days ago. There may be nothing left to be said about the Cohort. If that is the case, then what a harsh and painful ending it was. I don’t know how I can feel so much love and affection for someone who doesn’t feel anything in return. What is wrong with me?

Can you all keep a secret?

secrets1

I have a confession to make. This actually seems like an exceptionally weird time to make it, what with the Cohort seeming to have vanished, but it has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. I’ve wanted to write something about it, but just haven’t been able to bring myself to admit this publicly.

You know how, on this blog, I’m always ranting and railing against Madonna/Whore and the unfair way men seem to act, wanting to fuck everything in sight, yet getting jealous when a woman shows ANY interest in another man? It always bothered me sooo much, until I fell for the Cohort. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of self discovery that was sort of disturbing.

I found out that, at least with him, in a way I never expected, it TURNED ME ON.

Now, the Cohort has always been fair, and kept his jealousies in check, realizing that a double standard in our situation would not be okay. He’s gotten a little jealous a couple of times, and he was real about it, but he also got himself under control without losing it. I respect that and I feel he is better than most in that area, actually.

I’m not even talking about jealousy from a man here, really, as its not hard for me to admit that it sometimes feels good to have a man get riled up enough to show he cares. No, I’m talking about me. I’m talking about ME getting turned on by what is maybe a combination of my own jealousy mixed with a little bit of playing on a man’s Madonna/whore.

I wrote a little bit in this blog, but not much, about how I went several months without sleeping with anyone but the Cohort. What I left out, is that, not only did I have almost no desire for other men (because I was so smitten with him), but that it was also, kind of…. turning me on? Something about the fact, that he was still sleeping with people, but I was not, was making me HOT.

What the fuck Lovergirl? Where is your head? Do you need me to smack you upside of it so you can think straight again? How could you get turned on by that? Didn’t it bother you??

All good questions, and I just… don’t know. Maybe I did completely lose my head. I was so wound up in my emotions that somehow it felt…GOOD.

Like one time, when he had gone off for a weekend of gangbanging, I remember feeling mildly threatened and jealous. Only it wasn’t too bad, because I knew it was not an emotional thing for him, just sexual. When he came back, he told me all about it.

I listened to his stories for a bit before he started kissing me and taking off my clothes. He whispered in my ear “but you, you haven’t had sex for awhile, have you?” I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head no. I could tell it turned him on just as much as it did me, and the lovemaking that followed was incredibly intense. He was flooding me with affection that it felt like he’d been holding back for a long time, saving it all for me.

Not just then, but other times too. It just felt so good to feel like I was the only one on the recieving end of all that EMOTION, like he was reserving it for me, while I was reserving my body for him. Even at a party we went to, where he slept with three other women (and me with no one else, I wrote a bit about that one before), each time he would come to me afterwards for what felt like especially mind blowing sex. I loved feeling like I belonged to HIM, and him alone.

I guess that mostly ended after the first time I got pregnant. Maybe that was a big part of what lead up to that for us, subconsciously. Like he once commented, (referring to someone else) pregnancy is like the ultimate “handcuff”. After losing the baby(ies) I felt the need to use logic again and also be sleeping with other men, since we aren’t committed. I wanted to protect my heart, which was getting too involved.

Even now, I have been having a very hard time getting over the emotional hurdle of having sex with other men. I’ve slept with some, but I just can’t seem to open myself up. I’m holding back much more than usual.

All this has helped me understand, at least maybe a little more, the whole cuckhold phenomenon. I’ve always found it kind of baffling, but maybe I get it more than I want to admit, from my own angle. Did you know that there are females that are into that and they are called cuckqueens? You don’t hear a whole lot about that, but I wonder if it is more common than we realize.

It seems like, the little bit you can find online about that sort of thing though, is filled with levels of degradation and humiliation that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not all about that. For me I guess, it’s something different.

Like at the parties before, he has done things like had me suck his dick before he went off and fucked someone else, but nothing about it felt bad. I knew he was coming back to me, tenfold, afterwards.

I once sort of shared my feelings about all this with the Cohort, over a short text. We didn’t talk about it in depth but he brought it up on Valentine’s Day, during my miscarriage and while we were eating at a pizzeria. It wasn’t a good time and I kind of just denied it all and looked away. He tends to probe my feelings and reactions more deeply, but this time he just looked at me quizically and didn’t comment. I think he knows.

It’s just one of those things that is very hard to talk about. It’s like admitting you feel okay with that can be very shameful and embarrassing. I think, with the Cohort, my level of emotional safety was so much higher that I felt I could drop my guard and just be who I am. He would lightly tease me about things of that nature or jokingly call me his “slut slave” but he never took it too far.

There is something super intimate though, about taking it to a deeper level that way. I miss him so much. 😦 At least you all are getting some good writing out of this! 😉

Gone with the wind?

disappearing

Yep, you guessed it. Things are going wrong with the Cohort again. Why do I do this? It’s like I can only write when I fear things are falling apart. Yet, so much has happened. He’s not even the only man in my life. I have other stories. It’s not like I’m lacking material. There have been so many interesting experiences, feelings and thoughts coursing through my mind, ones that I WANTED to share with you all, but couldn’t bring myself to.

I’m so caught up in my feelings, that it is hard to write. Even now, I am struggling with deleting and rewriting everything. Help!

I always swore I wasn’t going to be one of those blog writers that just disappears all of a sudden because I got caught up in a relationship. No, not me! Never!! Sigh….

The truth is, I finally understand. I finally know what it feels like to be so in love with someone that it takes over your heart and your mind. There. I admitted it.

I love him. Even if nothing works out between us, even if everyone reading my blog thinks I’m crazy or that he’s some kind of bad person because of the things I have said about him. Even if he or I makes every mistake in the book and I open up our life to the world on here, I’ve said it.

I guess, that is a big part of it all. I’m afraid of opening “us” up to criticism. I’m afraid of anyone saying anything negative about him or my feelings for him and want to protect that. I want to protect him from all you big bad bloggers and people out there that might see his mistakes and failures, instead of the man that I see.

Of course, I want to protect myself too. I want to cover up all my fears and vulnerabilities, so no one can go back later and say “I told you so” when things go wrong. The truth is though, that we are both flawed individuals, just like everyone else out there. He’s not a bad guy with bad intentions, any more than I am a bad person.

The difference between the Cohort and other men, is that I feel like I UNDERSTAND him…and like he understands ME. I’ve never had that with anyone, anywhere, before. That’s not to say I understand his every behavior or action- far from it. He’s a typical, completely baffling at times, male. Yet, somehow, without words, when I search my heart, I just know.

It’s funny that I write these words right now, when he’s in the middle of doing something that seems completely incomprehensible. I’ve been agonizing for days because he has just suddenly disappeared, after spending a wonderful day together. The man who normally calls, texts and wants to see me several times a week has just *poof* pulled a Houdini and vanished into thin air.

What happened? His last text to me was sweet and loving. He thanked me for “being there” on his birthday and being someone he cares about and who he knows cares about him. Then….nothing. I haven’t tried to contact him either because something in me knows its not the right thing to do.

What the heck- right? Who does that to someone they have been seeing for over a year? We’d had a great time, he took me out for lunch and a little shopping, we had great sex (with a condom, he wore a condom with me for the very first time), we cuddled and kissed and were all over each other afterwards while we watched a movie at his place. We ate some of the ice cream cake I had made him for his birthday and he walked me out to my car before I left, to kiss me goodbye, and because it was dark.

He had been talking, in bed, about how he wished he could take me on a vacation and how he wanted to see me later in the week. He was affectionate, looking in my eyes, kissing on my neck, stroking my hair, spooning behind me as we watched a movie and wrapping his arms around me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary or out of place. If anything, he seemed more loving than ever.

So what happened? Where did he go? I know he’s alive. I can see on his business account that he has been shipping things, so he has to be at home, not even on a vacation. I saw him, last night, logged into the swinger site.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions, from fear of abandonment, to anger and just complete confusion. I’ve wondered if this is some kind of cowardly way of “dumping” me, or what? Will I ever hear from him again?

Yet, when I really search my soul, I know it’s okay. Something in me says to trust him, even when he is doing something that many people would be enraged about. That’s not to say it’s easy, but I just know. I know how he gets in his head and overwhelmed by the feelings he has for ME.

It’s kind of like I’ve been feeling about writing in my blog. I want to, I want to reach out, yet I can’t think straight. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. So I put it off and each time I want to do it, I just can’t.

Meanwhile, I go about my life. Sometimes I feel guilty for not writing. Sometimes I crave it but keep putting it off. Its always in the back of my head though, because I really do love writing in my blog, and finally, here I am.

Will I stick around this time? I can’t answer that question. I’m like a non-committal man. I WANT to, really badly, because it feels so good to be here. I came on strong in the beginning, but now I run hot and cold, in and out, unsure of myself because I am unable to handle how I FEEL.

When I come back, each time I realize how much I missed it, and miss you guys! It’s like this huge relief to see the same people commenting again. It feels safe and draws me back in again.

Ahhhh…. this is eye opening. It feels like I know now what to do with the man I love. I’ll let him go and continue to go on about my life. When he comes back I may tell him how it felt while he was gone, but I am not going to hold it against him. No grudges here, because I understand.

I’m not saying I will put up with mistreatment, but also please don’t be too harsh on the Cohort. He’s very much, like me. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in a mirror, like I have found my other half. I feel like this man, is my soul mate, if such a thing exists.

He’s ever so imperfect, but at the same time, so endearing.  He’s so REAL and so full of insecurities and fears, yet so perfect.  Perfect, for ME.  He’s like everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, yet he drives me crazy.  He makes me laugh like no one else, and sometimes, he makes me cry, though I know he feels bad if he does.

I know I could spend the rest of my life with him.  I know I could.  There is NO question in my heart.  He feels like the One.

Would we have a perfect, bump free, life?  Oh HELL no!  Haha  There is just so much to consider.  So many possible pitfalls, so much to overcome.  I just can’t imagine it with anyone else the way I can with him.

Some texts he sent, a couple of weeks ago, after we had a blowout, said this:

“I don’t hate you Lovergirl”

“You’re just very passionate”

“And you are dead wrong…You ARE special to me…. you are probably the woman I truly should be with if I just let myself”

There you have it.  If he just “let himself”.  He’s got this big internal struggle going on over me.  He FEELS like I do, yet he sees my situation as this big, insurmountable obstacle.  He’s still struggling with the fact that I have so many children and my finances aren’t great. Maybe someday he will get over it and just take that leap of faith…and maybe, he won’t.

I guess I just have to trust him, and oddly, for the first time in my life I do. Even when everything that has happened thus far might point other people otherwise.  People might say that he doesn’t love me or he wouldn’t act the way he does, but I don’t believe it.  I FEEL it.  When I dig down, deep inside myself, I KNOW.

So, even though he’s disappeared, for now, I feel safe.  I feel like he will make the decisions he needs to for both of us. Maybe it will mean I never see him again, or maybe not. Somehow I feel good about it, amidst it all. The more I search my heart, the more confident I feel. I’m pervaded with a strange sense of calm. What’s meant to be, will be.

Feeling this today….

I found this blog post off a link from Twitter. Wow… Hits a little too close to home. Emotionally unavailable men, story of my life….

A Letter to Emotionally Unavailable Men

Oh and How to Know He Loves You: Stress Him Out

This one seems to be something I do intuitively. I stressed him out and he bailed. So, now I know. It was all a farce. Painful to find out the truth but probably better now than later.

Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

Redefining love

If you are looking for good advice on how to be good in bed, as a woman, where do you go? As far as we seem to have come from Victorian “lie back and think of England” days, there really isn’t a lot out there that gives GOOD advice to women regarding what to do in the sack. I mean, we have Cosmo et al, but… well, try at your own risk.

I love this article by the way Cosmo’s Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. Really sheds some light on the ridiculousness of some of the “advice” out there given to women on how to improve their sex lives. Dip your boobs in edible body paint and make a masterpiece all over his body? Feed each other ice cream in the dark and lick it up? Give him a beer facial? Unless you have an extremely patient and forgiving significant other, please ladies, don’t try these at home!!

Here’s a truly embarrassing admission. Back in the day I actually read and TRIED a couple of sex tips I found in magazines like these, because, well, reading all that stuff made me feel like if I wasn’t doing weird shit in bed that guys would think I was BORING. Bad, bad idea. LOL Food and sex don’t mix well. Really, they don’t. Not to mention I nearly threw up once trying to give a guy a blow job with some sort of strawberry flavored lube. Yuck!! I want to taste his dick, not his dick covered with flavored lube. It’s gross, seriously.

Now ice cubes? Okay, maybe I’ll bend on that one. I once had a guy ask me to give him a blow job with ice cubes in my mouth because someone had done it to him at a massage parlor. He played college basketball and the coach took them there after they won a game (totally shady shit, I know, I know but clearly no one was complaining- makes you wonder!!). He seemed to like that a lot. 😉

Anyway, the advice in most of those magazines sucks! They always want you to be some kind of a dominatrix, taking control and doing things to him too. I don’t doubt that sometimes men like that but I’m not convinced it’s necessary, despite all the “real men” they quote saying otherwise.

Plus, it’s just NOT ME. I hate being the one to control things in bed. It turns me off and puts too much pressure on me to perform, to the point where I can’t orgasm or really EXPERIENCE the sex the way I want to. I’ve come to the realization that I just am very submissive in bed and it’s really OKAY to be that way. Some men even PREFER it and those are the ones I want to spend my time with. Sorry Cosmo, as far as your editors are concerned I suck in the sack, so I guess I won’t be fucking them, but the men I come across seem to enjoy me just fine.

I’m more than happy to do all kinds of things in the bedroom, and honestly pretty much anything he wants if I like him enough, but I don’t need to be mixing up all sorts of crazy shit to make him happy. Whip cream and chocolate sauce are better on ice cream than on each other’s genitals, which taste just fine on their own. Peanut butter, mangoes and tomato sauce? Oh Hell no! His bedroom is not a fucking restaurant! LOL

By the way, I think we can at least give Cosmo a little nod for helping me get married to my ex husband. I’m pretty sure I tried a few of their “tricks” on him in the beginning (hey, I WAS only 18 when we started dating, lol) and he seemed to enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe that’s part of why he mistook me for the dominatrix I am not. :/ I was playing a role to turn HIM on that wasn’t exciting to ME. Maybe I can thank them too, for the years I spent afterwards, expected to ride him into oblivion while he just lay there and got off and I didn’t. Yeah, that pretty much killed all my enthusiasm for being “on top”. :p

Anyhow, obviously it’s not all Cosmo’s fault, lol, but I do wish I’d had better advice in that regard. It’s hard for a woman to find! Even now in the days of Google, the sex advice for women isn’t much better.

Speaking of Google, there’s something else we females use it for nowadays and that’s advice about love and relationships. Men google that stuff too, don’t even try to hide it guys, lol, but women are still concerned with the age old question of “does he love me”? We may not be plucking flower petals and reciting it over and over “he loves me, he loves me not” but we still wonder and obsess over it, wanting a real answer. Only now, we do internet searches, not that it wields much better in the way of results.

Come on people, fess up. Have you ever done an internet search for something like “how to tell if he/she is falling in love with me?” I know I’m not the only one, and judging from the myriads of results, well, there are a lot of people who wonder that very thing.

The sad thing is that even with all there is out there on the web, there is very little good and true advice about how a person acts when they are IN LOVE. It’s all also hyper focused on monogamy and for the poly-tically inclined, well, you’re out of luck! Apparently you CAN’T be in love if you are even so much as LOOKING at other people and feeling attracted. The same is true if you are married and cheating on your spouse. Married men “never” can fall in love with the other woman, because well, marriage vows somehow prevent that. Sorry folks, and betrayed spouses out there, but this simply isn’t true, no matter how much you WANT it to be.

That piece of paper you sign, the wedding vows, the promises you make, the hopes you have for the future, none of that is a GUARANTEE of anything. It doesn’t lock down your spouse for life the way you want it to because we are all human beings, capable of deception, capable of getting turned on and attraction to someone else, capable of feelings and emotions that surprise us and capable of having sex with more than one person. Yes, in a lot of ways this sucks, but it is the truth.

Look it up on the internet and you’ll find all kinds of articles telling you that if a man loves you he will cease to have any interest in other females, he will automatically want to introduce you to all of his friends and family, he will buy you gifts and pledge his undying devotion, he will make a commitment to you and only you, he will drop everything going on in his life and want to spend every waking moment with you, if he “really” loves you. Otherwise, you’ve been played!

Sorry, but I don’t believe that at all. I’ve felt love for different people in my life and expressed it in different ways. I’m falling in love with the Professor but I can still have sex with other men. I don’t need to spend every moment with him because I’m at a point in my life where I like a little bit of space and so does he. We aren’t getting married and I think it’s fine and good for us to have separate interests and not even live together. I’m not jumping at the bit to introduce him to everyone I know yet (though he has met my grandmother and my kids). It’s okay, really. Love doesn’t have to fit in a little peghole that society wants to put it into.

All that said, even though he’s still interested in other women, he isn’t making a commitment to me and he isn’t dropping everything in his life to be with me and coming over during all his spare time, I don’t doubt that the Professor is feeling things for ME.

He does a lot of things for me that are clearly from the heart and what you wouldn’t do for just anyone. Like last night he came over here and brought me a new antenna for my tv that he had bought, just for me because he knew I wanted to be able to watch the NCAA tournament and couldn’t get the right channel. It was a wonderful surprise and he took the time to hook it all up and then went and stopped my toilet from running too! It had been messing up for a few days and the landlord hadn’t been able to come out. I never asked him to do those things he just offered. You’d have to be crazy to offer to fix someone’s toilet if you didn’t like them! LOL

I LOVE IT that he is so helpful and thoughtful and looks out for me. I could give a fuck less about the nonsense others think about how him wanting to continue sleeping with other people must mean he isn’t into ME. Sure there are times I have doubts but stuff like last night confirms what I already know. Emotions aren’t defined by logic. People can feel something for each other despite not acting in the way society says they should.

I felt very much the same way about the guy I had the affair with. Sure others would say oh, people in an affair never can “really” love each other or that if we did we would be wanting to get married, but that’s simply not true. Love comes in all different shades. We need to stop trying to put it in a box. Two people can have feelings for each other and it not look anything like it is “supposed to” from the outside.

I want to take a minute to give a little shout out and thanks to Kdaddy23 here for his great advice, in my blog comments, during the interview with him HERE and privately over email. He has a lot of experience and keeps reiterating to me that in order to do this I need to drop everything I ever learned about love and monogamy and RELEARN a whole new way to live. I’m seeing what he is saying, bit by bit and it’s quite eye opening! Thanks! I’m still a work in progress but it’s such an interesting road to be on. I think I’m really going to enjoy the journey. 😉

Yeah, so I’m a drama queen, now what?

Ugggghh…. I sooo hate relationship drama!! Don’t we all though? Still it has a way of moving its way in once “feelings” start developing for another person. At least it seems to for me and I know I’m not the only one.

Funny thing is that there are men in my life who think I’m the most drama free woman alive. Yet others seem to think of me as a class A drama queen, all the way at the top of the list. Sigh….

I feel like I can be really good at not causing drama so long as I keep my emotional distance from someone. Once I start to feel vulnerable however, all bets are off. For the majority of my marriage we NEVER even fought and it was because I had shut myself off from him on an emotional level. We did however, argue BEFORE we got married (yeah, we had it kinda backwards). There was some arguing during the divorce, when we were still stuck living together and tension was high and neither of us wanted to be there anymore, but, for the most part, no. Of course there were some passive aggressive undercurrents going on but outwardly we were stable. We really don’t argue now at all either, after the fact. We just don’t talk, except about things we absolutely have to regarding the kids.

The most pertinent relationships with guys in my life, I hate to say it, but they have been more filled with drama than any of the ones that were not important to me. That’s bad. I know it’s bad. I don’t want it to be that way. It’s something I am bound and determined to work on within myself, it’s just…slow progress.

Some people say that when you fall in love with someone you start to associate them with your parents and childhood growing up. For me that’s a really bad thing because I had a pretty traumatic life as a child. My mom is a drug addict. My dad was absent most of my life. I had multiple abusive stepfathers, some of whom also abused my mother. I witnessed and experienced things no child should ever have to. Somehow though, I’ve managed to pull through life pretty well despite it all, in general.

I went to a couple of psychologists as a teenager and they just couldn’t get over how “well adjusted” I seemed and “normal” despite my difficult background. They didn’t feel I really needed treatment. I seemed extraordinarily able to cope. So of course I played along with their image of me and let them believe everything was okay, putting on a front of being capable and emotionally stable, which is easy for me to do. It’s easy UNTIL I get in a place where I can’t hide behind the walls I’ve erected to protect myself.

So I’m fine. I’m fine until I get in a relationship with someone and start to open up and let down my guard. It’s then that I become paranoid, fearful and insecure, panic, and then start to push people away. Someone getting close enough to actually be able to hurt me is a scary experience. It’s a loss of control that I really struggle to be able to handle.

It takes a really stable, strong, steady type of man to be able to deal with me when I’m a whirlwind of emotion and there don’t seem to be many who make the cut. Thankfully I think the Professor is just that type of guy, but I still feel terrible for putting him through what I have the past couple of days. I know it’s me and not him. He’s been really good to me. Kindhearted, honest, perfect really. I know I upset him a lot though with this last incident and that makes me feel awful.

I think the “poly” situation makes it so much harder because I am in a very unstable position with him. He’s emotionally involved with someone else and I’m starting to really fall in love with him. It terrifies the hell out of me. He says he feels the same way about me and it’s really hard for me to understand how that can even be possible when there is another woman in the picture. The sexual sharing I think I can handle but emotionally? Not so much.

Then he’s saying stuff like he feels the same way but we need to hold back to be able to swing together and stuff. To me it seems like it should be the opposite, you should have someone you are emotionally “safe” with in order to swing and I don’t know that I could ever have that with someone who is emotionally into another woman. I really just don’t like her presence at all. Even though she hasn’t actually seen him in a couple of months, they still talk. She’s still a threat to me. I’m still uncomfortable with it because it’s not JUST sex. He has admitted she is in love with him, though he says that he is not in love with her. It’s confusing to me because I don’t think I would keep someone around for long if that were the case and I had someone in my life I DID care for. I guess I’m naturally very EMOTIONALLY monogamous, even though I like some variety in sex so it’s hard for me to comprehend.

Anyway, I’ve been getting some therapy that has nothing to do with him whatsoever, but to help with issues I’ve been having with my oldest child and his behavioral problems. He is already in counseling and this is therapy focused on ME and my feelings but I haven’t discussed any of my romantic or sexual relationships. The therapist thinks I suffer from Post- Traumatic Stress. She made that judgment pretty quickly, based on very little info, so I’m not 100% sure that’s the case, but I can see how it could be true.

In any case what she is doing is using EMDR therapy to help me. You can look it up if you’ve never heard of it but it involves reprogramming your mind to associate positive feelings with past traumatic events in your life. You hold onto these little vibrating thingies that are supposed to stimulate both sides of your brain at once while you imagine calm and peaceful things whilst discussing whatever memories your mind randomly brings to you during conversation with the therapist. It’s been surprisingly helpful and I leave each session feeling calmer and less stressed overall.

Maybe getting this help for myself will help me to reign in some of my drama queen tendencies. The Professor and I had this big long drawn out “discussion” going on and off for about 3 days after the most recent incident with the woman leaving a note out on his dresser, that he says is from months ago (I actually do believe him, he’s never given me any reason to believe he is dishonest and actually is one of the more truthful, straightforward guys I’ve ever met). When I came out of my counseling session with EMDR I felt SO much better and was able to text and resolve things with him to the point that I think we are okay now.

That’s not a guarantee I won’t get upset with him in the future but I really, really want to work on it and he’s probably a great guy to be able to do that with. He’s very calm and steady and I like that a lot and am very attracted to those traits in a man. Some women are looking for excitement but I seem to be the complete opposite and it’s probably due to having such a chaotic childhood. Actually one of the reasons I chose to marry my ex- husband was that he rarely ever raised his voice. Hearing people, and especially men, YELL causes me a lot of anxiety and stress. I didn’t want that in my home at all.

The Professor came here a few weeks ago to help me put together a bed for one of my children. It was a lot of work and took about 3 hours, but he was just so CALM and PATIENT about it, very organized and he NEVER acted frustrated or stressed. It was so opposite of my ex, who though he didn’t yell much would act so awful when trying to do something like that and find a way to blame me for all his frustration. It was like this huge relief dropped off of my shoulders. I think maybe that’s when I really started to fall for him. It made me so happy that he offered to do something like that for me when he didn’t have to and then made it seem so simple and non stressful. Swoon….(lol) Anyway, I’m happy to say that for now anyway, things are back to normal with us. I really hope I can get a grip on how to handle this whole poly relationship thing because I really, deep down, want him EMOTIONALLY to myself. Sexually, I’m not ready to stop sleeping with other people so I don’t expect him to either, but that’s my big stumbling block.