Tag Archive | lies

I should have known….and somewhere deep inside, I did!

intuition

He’s married! The CEO is married! Why am I not really surprised? He hasn’t admitted it to me yet but I found proof. I discovered a picture of him online, with his wife and her family, wedding ring clearly visible on his finger. It was taken just before I met him and posted on a relative’s Facebook page.

We are not friends on Facebook and his page is private, as is his wife’s, but I’m a good detective and I did a little digging. I’m not able to see who is on his friends list, but I could see that he and I have at least one friend of a friend in common, which was amusing. She had commented on a public photo of his. He’s friends with an old fuck buddy of mine’s WIFE.

Sometimes it pays to snoop! Just saying! I just KNEW he was too good to be true and my gut feeling proved me right, once again. Sigh…

I felt a little upset at first, but I’m over it. At least now I know and can protect myself from getting too hopeful that this is going to go anywhere. At best it will be a passionate affair.

We’ve slept together 4 times now and this last time I knew but didn’t say a word. It will be interesting to see if he ever slips up or tells me about it. I plan to sit back and give him some time.

All along, I’ve felt mildly suspicious but Tinder tipped me off because I could see when he was lying to me about where he was. Sometimes, when he says he is traveling, he is telling the truth, but others it shows him as being 11 miles away, at his HOUSE.

So there’s that, and the fact that he usually plans time with me around when he’s either just arrived home on the plane, or is just getting ready to leave. He always gets a very nice hotel, which is wonderful, but of course points to the fact that he avoids having me in his home! His excuse that his sister was watching his child there may have held up at first, but why would she be there when he’s just getting ready to fly off to another city? Shouldn’t she be with her mom by then? Yeah….

The sex is still through the roof amazing and I’m definitely not ready to give THAT up! I’m really finding myself liking him on a personal level too, which gives me mixed feelings about it all. If nothing else though, I know not to really trust him. You heard me say it! Now don’t let me forget….

I don’t know his reasons, I don’t know if his wife already knows. I mean, come on, she HAS to suspect that her high sex drive, super good in bed, hot, millionaire, traveling businessman husband is not faithful to her! I’ve seen pictures of her now too and she looks kind of mousy and quiet, like someone that would put up with whatever. I have to admit though, that if this guy were paying my bills, I probably would too…

He’s got no shame in putting his face out on public dating sites and he seems to avoid being seen in public with her much. Even one of the captions on a photo I saw of them together he just put “making appearances” and they weren’t touching. The one where I saw his ring they were, but she was kind of in the background of it all. It’s interesting to note body language.

On OKCupid, one of the questions he answered said he’d never been in love. I wonder if that’s true? How can you be almost 40 years old and never fallen in love before? Not even with your wife? It doesn’t make sense to me but I’m curious to learn more. I guess time will tell.

I understand the multitude of reasons why a man would lie about being married or even lie about being in an open relationship, if that’s what it were. Still, its dishonest and it makes me miss the Cohort even more. He’s really the only guy I’ve researched and found nothing but complete honesty to me. Even when it hurt, he told me the truth. I think that’s a big reason why I loved and still love him.

The Cohort contacted me a couple of weeks ago, via email and asked me to call him. He acted like it was important and I guess he went the email route because he had deleted my number to avoid temptation to get in touch. I called though, and he wanted to talk about bubble wrap. He wanted to ask me where he could get bubble wrap…seriously! I know for a fact he already orders it online for his business but he said he wanted to know where I got some that I gave him last year (it was from packaging on my kids toys that came in the mail).  It was obviously an excuse to talk to me.

He told me a little bit about what is going on in his life with car problems but things going well at work. He asked how I was doing and sounded a bit wistful. It ended there and we hung up. I didn’t hear from him on Christmas. My heart still hurts but I know I can survive without him and I feel like I made the right choice to walk away. I know right now, if he were to ask me to be with him for real, I would, but he hasn’t done that. I can’t hang around someone I care that much about and allow it to continue to cause me pain.

In other news, I went out with a new guy that I will not allow myself to see again. We had a fun date that ended up with him almost raping me in the back of his car. I was genuinely scared and that doesn’t happen often.

He is an executive chef at one of the big casinos here in the city. He said he used to work in New York and Washington and he only moved here 6 months ago. We met on OkCupid and over text he seemed a bit pushy at first. On the phone though, he was funny and I agreed to meet him at a very nice seafood restaurant for drinks and appetizers.

He showed up 20 minutes late and I was beginning to wonder if I should leave. I was sitting at the bar and didn’t order anything. He finally arrived, without any excuse. Now, I kind of suspect he did this on purpose, because after one drink they were about to close. We didn’t have time to order anything to eat.

He asked where the closest bar we could hang out at late was and they told him a place around the corner. When we got there he made a weird statement about how he goes there all the time. That threw me off a bit (didn’t he just have to ASK the bartenders where to go?). He also claimed to go to the seafood restaurant “all the time”. Anyway, we had more drinks and an appetizer at this jazz bar.

He was funny and fun to talk to, but super nosy. He was asking questions about who I was fucking and what was the guy’s name. He pressed and pressed until I finally gave him the first name of someone I am sleeping with (Radioman, who was the only safe option to say anything about and I see him regularly).

He immediately showed some signs of jealousy and was telling me about how he is going to make me forget about Radioman. Oh, and he also friend requested me on Facebook while we were out. He had figured out my last name somehow. I was a bit creeped out by this, but then you all know I do my own “research” so I was trying to be fair and not assume he is a stalker.  I accepted his request and laughed about his discovery.

I was slightly tipsy, but not drunk, when we decided to go home. I declined an offer to go back to his place but agreed to get in his car with him and “talk” for a minute because it was very cold outside. We got in the backseat and he proceeded to practically start ripping off my clothes.  I was a bit taken aback by how quickly he went there.

I told him to stop, told him no, told him I don’t want to do this and he just kept going. I was actually afraid and that doesn’t happen often. I had to be very verbally forceful to get him to finally stop. For a bit I there I didn’t think he was going to. He was putting his hands in my panties and saying he knew I wanted it, because of how wet I felt. But I didn’t want it. I didn’t feel good about him, despite the fun banter in the bar.

I finally was able to divert him from trying to fuck me by giving him a hand job. He came quickly and I was able to leave. Whew!

He called on the way home and apologized over voice mail. He said he was sorry and that he just was so turned on that he got carried away. He said he didn’t mean to be so aggressive and that he just lost control. Would I please give him another chance?

All that is well and good and I said okay but I really don’t want to see him again. He asked if I would and I said “maybe after the holidays”. After briefly contemplating giving him a second chance, I have decided there is no way! He is still on my Facebook, but I will probably delete him eventually. For now I plan to just blow him off.

I LIKE guys that are dominant, I LIKE guys that go after what they want and don’t ask. I DON’T like it when someone ignores my boundaries and plows on. If I am repeatedly telling someone STOP and they won’t, that is too much. Yes, I still gave him a handjob. I didn’t know what else to do to get him to back off because my words were not working. Obviously, he was stronger than me.

Even after all the experiences I have had, I still found myself in this situation. Sometimes I ignore my gut feelings about guys and I’m still learning to trust my intuition. Gut says he’s married, he probably is! It says to be careful, then WATCH OUT!

Now if only I could get my intuition to make sense when it comes to the Cohort. It’s still in confusion. I still feel like he loves me, even though his actions aren’t really proving that at all. It’s been 6 months and it really only feels like days since I’ve seen him. Maybe I will never see him again, but I just haven’t completely come to terms with that.

Thankful for my Mr. Firm!! :D

the perfect man

I hope you all had as great of a Thanksgiving as I did!  I love being able to see my family on the holidays plus was extra thankful this time to get to see Mr. Firm!  He lives 30 minutes away from where I was visiting and we were able to make it work on a whim.  He drove up shortly before he was set to leave out of state himself and got a cheap motel. 

MMMmmmm….he is SO GOOD in bed!!  He’s right up there with the Professor, maybe even better, though without the same emotional component. Skill wise he may be the closest I’ve ever had to the married man, and since he’s apparently gone, I’m VERY thankful Mr. Firm is still around!! 

I don’t mean to imply the sex isn’t emotional, because it is, I just know where the boundaries lie and it stops outside the bedroom.  He’s got a regular relationship and seems very skilled at maintaining that while still being awesome with me.  I love it.  I wish every guy could be like that.  It would make the whole open relationship thing go a lot more smoothly.

Mr. Firm has been really cool.  He’s extremely low drama and unlike other men who say they “don’t do drama” he seems to really mean it, lol.  I asked if he’s ever had trouble with that in the lifestyle and he said once with a married woman who was crossing inappropriate boundaries but that he “shut that shit down real quick”.  He says that one of the reasons he likes sleeping with married women in the swinging lifestyle is that if they get out of hand he can just tell their husband’s to come and get them.  Haha…

Anyhow, he’s been doing this for years and I am really appreciating his wisdom and advice regarding some of my recent incidents with men.  He’s very good at detecting bullshit and pointing out inconsistencies in people’s stories.  I’m sure his working at a law firm helps with that!!  LOL  Plus he doesn’t get jealous and I feel like I can trust him to be real with me, rather than just try to elbow out the other guys.

If he wasn’t already in a relationship I think I would totally fall for him.  Yet he is, and because of his attitude towards that and towards me and because he doesn’t lead me on I can respect that.  We have amazing sex and he says I fuck him just the way he needs.  I was like ” I wish it could be more often, but I’ll take what I can get ” and he said him too, but that it makes him appreciate me even more. 🙂

I’m not sure I would have been able to get rid of Mr. Motorcycle without his support.  I told him all the stuff that had happened and he sat there and pointed out each obvious lie that Mr. Motorcycle tried to confuse me with and each way he had tried to manipulate me, from promising gifts to telling me that he’d spent the whole weekend trying to tell me he was “falling in love” with me when he was called out on his repeated disappearances.  Then he claimed he was manscaping “for the first time” in the hotel.  Mr. Firm said it doesn’t take that long to manscape anyhow and I found pictures he had sent me before we even met where he was totally shaven.  Eyeroll…

Basically what Mr. Firm did was put words to all those nagging feelings and red flags I had been seeing.  He voiced that he seemed like he was trying to control me and that he’d come across men like that before and it never ends well.  I knew he was right of course but on my own have a tendency to be too nice and wait it out until someone does something really awful before cutting them off.  He predicted the way he would act afterwards correctly but kept encouraging me not to fall for any of it.  He was like you are really NICE and I love that about you but some people will take advantage of that and really try to get you to bend (which I have found to be very true). So far I’ve been holding strong and believe me Mr. Motorcycle is still trying.  He even sent me some weird picture for Thanksgiving, that looks like two dragons kissing in the shape of a heart in the sky.  WTF?

Then when this situation came up with the Referee he was totally awesome.  I told him all the facts of what happened and he helped me pick it apart.  Even better was that I got an apology letter during the time he and I were talking, from the couple that the Referee had ditched me for.  I sent it to him and he pointed out several obvious lies and differences from what the Referee had told me.  I could see a lot of them for myself but it helps to have someone else letting you know you aren’t just being a bitch!

Here is the letter, supposedly written by the female half of the couple and sent to me on the swinger site via email:

hey there sexy girl I wanted to apologize for Saturday night for me cussing at you that was inappropriate and that is not like me to do that . I was irritated with my boyfriend for getting very drunk and I was the one having to drive home and a neighborhood and an area that I am not familiar with . we did not even know that (the Referee) was going to be in town until that afternoon we were out having drinks and he met up with us we didn’t even see him until about 5 o’clock that day we were unaware of any plans that he had to meet up with you . so he was not with us Friday night or at all saturday day . so I hope you accept my apology and hopefully we can see each other again sometime . :

 

It ended with a “kiss”.  At first reading I was even a tad skeptical.  I mean, how is this woman who I never met other than her cussing me out going to start out calling me “sexy girl”?  Even more telling though was “her” comment that they did not know the Referee would be in town until 5 pm.   That’s kind of hard to claim when I have texts from him at 10:30 am saying they had invited us to stay the night at their place. 

Not to mention little things like who spends 3 hours at dinner at a restaurant?  And the Referee told me that evening all he had eaten all day was “6 pieces of shrimp”.  That’s a long ass time to be sitting there not eating food.  As Mr. Firm pointed out, it wasn’t hard to find their way around the neighborhood either.  Three adults in the car, three gps’s on their phones, and they managed to get “lost” for over an hour after the party?  Give me a break!!  I live out of town and had absolutely no trouble.  This isn’t in a confusing neighborhood, it’s right off a main road.

Also, they bring up Friday night and early Saturday.  I never asked or implied that he was with them then.  The only reason I think they might think I would care is because he told me that morning he had told them I was his “girlfriend”.  No, I was simply pissed at being stood up outside the hotel.  I was lucky I even got into the room.

Also, the Referee claimed that he and the “husband” (who I guess was a boyfriend) were together at the restaurant and that the wife didn’t show up until later.  He said that she showed up at the last minute.  The Referee also said he had ridden with this couple in their car because he didn’t want to drive his vehicle if he had been drinking.  Yet I am supposed to believe he got in a car with people who had been drinking for 3 hours prior to going to the party? 

There were just so many other little details but I don’t have time to type it all out.  The library closes in 8 minutes and my laptop is sent away to be fixed again.  In any case, I am glad to be rid of the Referee.  He is so full of shit it’s not even funny.  He had the nerve to text me a Happy Thanksgiving too and I simply ignored it.

Mr. Firm and I think most likely what happened was that the Referee was trying to help out the boyfriend of this couple, or at least pretending to, by making him think he had a chance at sleeping with ME.  So that he could get to fuck both me and the female half of this couple in one night.

The sad part is, if he’d not been such an ass he probably quite easily could have.  He could have shown up at the hotel on time, taken me to the party as planned, and after a little drinking and socializing it is very likely the female half of the couple and I would BOTH have been likely to sleep with him there, or he could have even just slept with HER while I was off having fun and gone back to the hotel with me later as planned.  Seems like he went way out of his way to make things more complicated than they should have been. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of Lies and Men

pinocchiodick

If I can get Mr. Pilot to stop texting me long enough to write this post, I’ll update you all a little more, lol.  So far so good.  I’m really liking his personality and he seems very into me thus far. Surely we can get along in bed, right?  It would be a shame if we didn’t.

In any case we seem to have a lot in common and despite the wait before meeting in person, we’ve been having fun.  I wonder if maybe that isn’t a good thing, that we aren’t jumping into bed right away.  Like, maybe it will make him more interested in a relationship than just sex.  I do kinda prefer having that with SOMEONE.

I really do want an OPEN relationship, or at least to give it a try.  The Professor and I clearly weren’t on the same page with that.  Actually, the more I think about things with him,  more sketchy memories come to mind about his behavior and the more I am convinced he was lying to me about more than just having attended a swinger party without me once. 

There were a couple of occasions where he disappeared and gave some lame reason as to what happened.  His behavior was shady, but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  You’d think I’d stop doing that by now, having experienced enough men that lied to me about things in my life.  It’s a wonder I’d ever believe a word out of any of them!

Oh man, could I tell you all stories.   Stories of the lies and how ridiculously unfathomable some of them have been.  Sometimes men just have me shaking my head.  But anyway….

Some of the readers of my blog even tried to warn me that his actions seemed emotionally abusive.  Looking back over some of my entries, yeah, I think if they were intentional then it was. I seem to be especially blind to that kind of thing, believing what I want to believe at the time, which is usually the best about people. What stands out even more are the excuses he made and how unrealistic they seem to me now that I’ve taken off the rose colored glasses.

 Like the incident with him leaving a note from the married woman out on his dresser, it happened right after he pulled a disappearing act on his BIRTHDAY for Christ’s sake.  His claims that his “sister” came down seem especially dubious now, knowing he was lying about even simple things post breakup.  He was claiming he hadn’t seen the married woman for 6 months at that time but um, I am pretty damn sure if that note had been there before I’d have seen it.  I didn’t even mention to you all what happened on New Year’s Eve, when he was supposedly over visiting some platonic couple and then disappeared for hours and claimed he wasn’t getting my texts.

I’ve also tied in something interesting and it seems like he was giving me gifts right around the times he’d pull something odd, on several occasions.  Makes you wonder if it wasn’t totally intentional and meant to distract me.  Yeah, my respect and attraction for him, at this point, have plummeted severely.

All this thinking about stuff isn’t because I am still obsessed.  I don’t feel that I am at all anymore.  It’s more of a precaution and thoughts about what went wrong so I can prevent it from happening again in the future.  I feel that I’ve been played. 

He pretended, on one hand, to be interested in relationship stuff with me.  He got jealous and wanted to know when I was with other men.  He gave money and time to me and my children and acted as though he really cared.  Yet now, he seems shockingly unconcerned about us.  NOW it’s “I didn’t want a relationship”.  Okay…well then maybe you should have been more clear in the beginning, when I could have accepted that just fine, like I do with several of the other men I see, ones who don’t lead me on.

I’ve never really understood that kind of sentiment anyway.  If you are having sex, well, as far as I’m concerned, you have a “relationship”, it’s just a matter of degree.  There are all sorts of levels of relationship status, from married and monogamous all the way down to fuck buddy and to me they are equally valid and people can move up and down the ladder.  If someone has proved good enough to continue to have sex with me I think it’s nasty to tell them how they can or cannot feel.  Emotions like that are really beyond our control and I think it’s important to respect someone’s if you are sleeping with them, whether you feel the same way or not.

I keep wondering if the way things ended, maybe it was planned out.  It seems so unreal and just beforehand, before he went up to see her, he was acting weird about not wanting to kiss me while he drove.  He had bought a box of donuts for us as a surprise but yet seemed distant.  All at a time when he knew I’d be vulnerable.  It’s almost as though he ignored me and acted the way he did on purpose, to get me to react so that he could “break up” with me.  I guess I’ll never know.

Sigh….I’m so confused, but enough dwelling on the past.  I need to make the right decisions NOW and pay more attention to shit. Having an “open” relationship with someone dishonest kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? 

Whew, I finally get a rest from texting with the Pilot.  I told him I’m tired and it’s true I will probably do some cleaning up and get to bed soon.  I love all the attention, but man, I need some breaks, haha.  I guess there isn’t any doubt he is into me at this point!

 The Professor used to like to text a lot too but this guy maybe even more so.  Or maybe it’s just that way in the beginning; men do tend to enjoy the chase.  Wonder how long I’ll be the bright shiny object?

Right now he keeps telling me how he thinks I am really cool and we could have an epic thing going on and that he can’t wait to meet me.  He is envisioning us going to parties together in the future and even got me to sign up for one that he is planning on attending.  Actually, he offered to come get me and drive me there with him if I want.  That would be 3 hours out of his way!  Crazy!! Actually 6, assuming he’d take me back!

I admit I’m kinda excited about this party though.  It is in a bigger city and is at a hip hop/rnb club and it looks like there are a lot of interracial couples signed up.  Since he tends to go for white women and I tend to lean towards black men, that kinda works better than out here in the sticks, ;).  Also, they have a massage room and a glory hole?  Haha…I’m always curious to try these new places and check them out.

He went to a comedy club tonight with some friends and was telling me he gets free tickets there like once a month, almost as though he were hinting.  He offered to teach me Salsa dancing. He keeps telling me he likes ALL of me and not just my sexy body but also that he wants to fuck me bad.  Huh…seems like I’ve heard that somewhere before, lol, but hey….

I don’t know but if he even halfway lives up to the image he’s putting out there it would be good.  I did notice a little slipup he made in text today though.  He mentioned his 9 inch cock.  Yesterday, it was 8 ½…. It’s growing, like Pinocchio.

 

 

 

 

 

Lucky me, an STD

stdtesting

Fucking policeman, I know it had to be him.  When I texted to share the news he claimed he hadn’t had sex in a year before me.  Guess he must have forgotten telling me about the woman he slept with while her husband watched and the fiancé of his cousin that they supposedly bang together frequently.  Hmmm…

Yeah, he’s the one that was going on about how he couldn’t get STD’s because he is allergic to various antibiotics and how careful he is. Then he mentioned how he never sleeps with these “lizards” at truck stops. I should have known him SAYING this stuff and bringing it up probably indicated the opposite. Men are such liars. “He who doth protest too much….”

Too bad too, because I really wanted to keep sleeping with him.  It was fun, I just don’t want to risk this again!  He was asking me about anal recently too, and knowing this?  No way!

Anyway, I have Chlamydia.  I guess it’s not all that surprising considering my sexual activities for the past month.  3 new guys and only one wore a condom.  I should know better, I really should.   Fuck buddy, fortunately, ALWAYS wears a condom and it’s been over 5 weeks since I’ve seen the Professor so I think he’s probably fine.  The incubation period for this is like a week and a half and the nurse said sometimes takes up to 3 weeks to show up.

The Jamaican guy was surprisingly nice over text.  His response was “What??? Thanks for letting me know.  That’s very brave and sweet of you.  Thanks!” I’ve never been called “sweet” before for informing someone I may have given them an std (because I have my doubts that it came from him), but okay.

 I haven’t responded to that, not sure what to say, lol.  I think I’m more “blunt and to the point” about stuff like this than “sweet”.  I didn’t beat around the bush, just told them both straight out, over text, so I’m sure it was a bit of a shock.

I wish I could say I have never had an STD before, but sadly that wouldn’t be true.  If you read my post My Deep Dark Past, it should come as no surprise that I’ve had quite a few.  My sexual activities as a teenager were not only reckless as far as condoms go but also involved a lot of guys who had been in and out of prison at some point or another.

  I’m always surprised though at these people who claim they have had (mostly unprotected)sex with hundreds of people and never contracted anything.  How??  It seems like the minute I have unprotected sex with a new guy I virtually always end up with something unpleasant, heck I’ve even had what appeared to be an allergic reaction to the freaking CONDOM (or spermicide on it) with one man.  I think I’m just really sensitive and susceptible to this sort of thing.  Thankfully I am pretty in tune with my body and notice and get stuff treated right away. 

The nurse at the health department was pretty nice.  She didn’t act too horrified when she saw my vast, extensive, std history.  It always makes me want to crawl through the floor.   What was the worst was that a couple of years ago, I contracted Trich and when the antibiotic didn’t clear it up the first time around they said I would have to go through my family doctor.  The doctor wouldn’t refer me someplace until I got seen in the office so I had to have my records faxed over there and ever since I can feel the judgment from the staff.  This is the same place I take my kids to be seen. :/

It looks awful on paper, but reality is I am not having near as much reckless sex as I was back then and have only caught the Trich and this in the past couple of years since my divorce.  I’ve always been quick to discover and treat whatever it is and followed the instructions on not having sex until things cleared up and informed my partners.

Still there is a whole host of stereotypes that come with someone having had STD’s that is very negative.  One of them is that the person isn’t clean and I know that’s not true because I am scrupulous with hygiene.  Maybe if there wasn’t so much shame surrounding the issue people would be more honest too.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I have come down with something and anyone/everyone I was sleeping with adamantly denied having anything.  Um, sorry but that is IMPOSSIBLE.  I will admit though that I think there is some problem with the testing.  Even the nurse at the health dept told me sometimes one half of a couple will test positive with Chlamydia and the other shows up as either having nothing or having Gonorrhea, so they treat both anyway.

When I came down with Trich, the guy I had the affair with swore up and down he tested as having nothing.  I told him that lots of times men do test negative and still can pass it on and should be treated.  Apparently his doctor told him the same damn thing and offered him medicine but he said he wasn’t going to take it because he “didn’t have anything” and wasn’t taking any freaking medicine that he didn’t need to!  I wanted to bang my head on the wall, lol.  We used condoms for a while after that but  eventually did again, without, and I never got anything.

I still remember the first time I had Chlamydia.  It was in my THROAT and I was 15 years old so it took them awhile to figure out what was wrong.  I had to see a pediatrician and the woman was so horribly nasty to me when she found out.  She asked how many sexual partners I’d had in the past 6 months and I was afraid to tell her the truth so I said “10”.  It was really more like 20.  Some of those had been gang rapes.

 She spent her time trying to shame me and make me feel bad, rather than asking any deeper questions.  She said she wanted the names and numbers of all the people I’d slept with and that she was going to call and talk to them.  Of course I claimed not to remember them (though I knew) because I didn’t want to be humiliated like that.  Then she acted even nastier, as though treating me like dirt was going to stop me from having sex.

Anyhow, I DO know better than to have sex with strangers without a condom.  I’ve admittedly been kind of reckless lately in my attempts to forget about the Professor.  It could have been worse though.  What kills me is that the officer HAD the damn condoms sitting there, because I had ASKED him to bring and wear one but he didn’t put it on. 

I’m just as guilty because I was super horny and he’d just gone down on me and all I wanted was him inside me and didn’t care.  I really hope he was telling the truth about not cumming inside me too because I am late for my period.   :/  I’m afraid to get a test and hoping it’s just the Chlamydia and the fact that I’ve had an irregular cycle lately.  When I had Trich last time my period was 12 days late and it totally freaked me out, but no pregnancy. 

I take the meds tonight and then no sex for a week.  Thank God I caught it now because I’m due to see the married man next weekend.  She said I’ll also most likely get a yeast infection from the antibiotics (something else I’m super susceptible to) and so will start some meds for that soon as well.  I’m disappointed too because I was looking forward to seeing Mr. Officer again.  Damn!!

 

When being open isn’t enough

tears

So remember the Professor? The guy I was in an “open” relationship with? The one I kept saying I liked so much because above all else he was HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY? Yeah, well, it turns out he’s a big, fat, LIAR. I am so disappointed, crushed and totally let down. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like I’ve ever met or been in a relationship with a guy in my life who DIDN’T turn out to be a big liar, but the fantasy that they are out there was a nice one.

Last night we went to another swinger party. This one was at a hotel. It was not a technical “hotel takeover” but there were something like 75-100 people at this place, in a tourist town that is not too far away from where we live. There were a bunch of rooms reserved at the back of the hotel specifically for the swinger party and a lot of people stayed the whole weekend and hung out socializing in the pool and lobby areas. Groups of people also were going out to bars and such in town, so not everyone was there at once.

The Professor and I didn’t sign up until Saturday, since we hadn’t gotten a response back from the Latino couple we have been emailing with for this weekend and the party was Plan B. That couple had made it pretty clear to me that they were interested in a FMF with me more than anything so I told them straight up that I was not ready for that and would be happy to meet them with the Professor but wasn’t interested in going at it alone at this point. He’s the one who told them about me, thinking we would swap as a COUPLE so I wasn’t going to just run off and sleep with them alone and exclude him, plus I just wasn’t really that interested. She had told me flat out she wasn’t really that bi and just wanted to do the whole thing FOR HIM. I’m not really that interested in giving this fantasy to some guy I have never even met. Anyhow, apparently that was all they needed to know because they stopped responding to messages after that.

So we decided to go to this hotel party and I was actually kind of excited. I was bound and determined for us to have a GOOD experience this time. I was in a good mood and ready to have fun. I spent the day beautifying myself, exercising, painting my nails, and checking out the swinger website, seeing who was signed up for the party and skimming over the profiles (well in between laundry, dishes, cleaning, paying bills and taking care of kids, but you don’t wanna hear about that). I got a zillion views and a few emails from people on there who saw I was signed up for the party but the Professor says he only got like 3 views. According to him that’s because I am listed as a single female and everyone wants that elusive “unicorn”. Probably true that they were hoping for me alone because I did get some asking me to have FMF threesomes.

During my profile skimming I noticed the Professor had been looking at mine and went over to his and was looking at his previous list of validations. He has quite a few. One of them that I looked at was a woman he has told me before that he has had sex with several times. She is part of a couple and older than me and lives near where the party was going to be. After checking out their profile I got an email that was from “her” saying that she understands the Professor wants a FMF and that she would love to have one with him and me. I laughed out loud and texted him to ask what that was all about. He said he is always up for a FMF but that he suspects her husband is the one who sent me that. I wasn’t opposed to the idea or anything because I had just told him recently that if I am going to have one I would feel much safer doing it with HIM than with another guy because I felt I could trust him to look out for my feelings and make sure I didn’t feel left out (my only experience in bed with a guy and one other female was when I was really young and didn’t turn out so great, leaving me feeling pretty bad). So I teased him a little about it and was like “hmmmm…..” and was actually seriously considering the possibility. He said she had texted him earlier and that they keep in contact but that she and her husband were not going to be at the party.

When I arrived at the Professor’s house he was fresh out of the shower and still in a towel. We kissed and I stood there talking to him as he was getting ready to go, playing and teasing him and just generally in a happy mood. He looked so hot rubbing lotion on his naked body.

He got us both something to eat on the way and we headed out of town for the party, arriving around 9pm. One of the hosts had texted me to say things were a bit slow due to different groups of people being at a piano bar and a pub. Still there were quite a few folks milling around the lobby when we arrived. The pool had some kids swimming in it so people were staying out of there until it cleared out. Supposedly it was reserved for the party but families had shown up anyway and no one told them to get out of the pool. We’d already been warned that we had to be careful and be on good public behavior except for inside the rooms.

So in the lobby there were a lot of people talking and drinking. Most of them were in their 40’s or 50’s and I looked to be the youngest person there. I get told frequently that I look younger than I am so it seemed like an even bigger age difference than it probably actually was. In fact the night before a 20 something guy working the register at the grocery store had acted totally shocked when I said I had a 13 year old. He couldn’t believe I was old enough to have a child that age and when I told him my actual age he was like “NO WAY!!!” haha. I seriously should start telling guys I am 29 because I’d totally pass for it.

Anyhow, I was younger and thinner and more attractive than pretty much anyone there. I know that sounds conceited, and I don’t intend for it to be, just an honest assessment. Of course this meant I got a lot of attention! There were several men flirting with me. One in particular seems almost obsessed, lol. This guy looks like Burt Reynolds, haha. He’s really nice, and actually not bad for an older man (he’s like in his 50’s) but his wife clearly doesn’t like me. She’s the same woman who made a catty comment towards me at the last party about how “oh, you are MUCH prettier than he SAID you were” regarding the Professor. So that made me feel a little awkward.

There was another married guy that I had seen at the last party having sex with his wife on a mattress. She is the one who had invited the Professor to join but not me. In any case, he was fairly attractive and flirting with me a lot too. He kept telling me how badly he wants to go down on me. He was standing there talking with me and another single girl who was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive and also the professor.

Meanwhile he starts asking me if I have seen this boyfriend and says he is a HUGE black guy that has a dick “this thick” and makes a big circle with his hand. I have no clue who he is talking about so he was trying to look up the screen name. The Professor didn’t seem to like this at all and I sense he’s not liking the idea of me hooking up with another well- endowed black guy, lol.

So I step aside and am talking to this other single woman while the guys chat. She had brought me a couple of margaritas to drink and seemed pretty nice. The Professor seemed to know her somehow but she tells me that she just signed up on the swinger site a few months ago and has only been to a couple of parties. This doesn’t register right because there was some conversation between them that made it sound like they had been at a party together and as far as I know he has only been to them with ME since July, other than once when he was a few hours away.

I am wondering and ask her when she met the Professor. She says just a couple weeks ago at the Christmas party. My heart sank down to my knees. Christmas party? He and I had talked about the Christmas party but he said he wasn’t going to go. The night of he’d claimed he was hanging out with some guy friends watching a football game. I’d been kind of upset that he didn’t want to see me but didn’t want to tell him what to do. I started to feel sick. I’m looking at this woman and trying to be nice and have a conversation but I could hardly hold it up.

She stepped aside to talk to someone else and I turned to the Professor. “I didn’t know you went to the Christmas party”. “What Christmas party?” he retorted and I looked at him dead in the eye and replied “the one where she said she met you, just a couple of weeks ago”. He started making excuses and saying “oh, I just stopped by there for a little bit” and “I just needed some time alone to socialize”. You don’t go to a SWINGER party just to socialize, dipshit. I am not an idiot. Ugh.

He kept saying stuff like how he didn’t play with anyone and it was just because he needs some time to himself sometimes and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I didn’t even respond to all this bullshit. The point isn’t his reasoning, but that he LIED to me and that he is sneaking around doing stuff like going to swinger’s parties without telling me, when HE is the one who wanted an OPEN relationship where we were supposed to TELL each other everything. All I could think while he was talking is “this fool is trying to manipulate me”. None of it registered as anything worthwhile to talk about.

He had pulled me aside from the party and kept trying to get me to “talk”. I told him I am not interested in talking and he asked me if I wanted him to take me home. I said I don’t care. You can take me home or we can go back and party. At this point all you have really shown me is that you are no different than any other guy out there. He kept pulling me back and not letting me return to the party and it was really starting to grate on me. I felt numb and didn’t want to discuss things any further.

So we headed back into the party. Lots of people were talking to us and a whole bevy of men were trying to flirt with me, none of whom I was really that attracted to but I was being friendly. So was the Professor, but not near as much as usual. Mr. Burt Reynolds look alike came up and was rubbing his hard on against me and sliding his hands around my waist and slid them up to my boobs. The Professor, who was a few feet away talking to another guy, told him to stop and that was carrying things too far. So he drops his hands down and whispers that the Professor thinks he is being too aggressive with me and is that ok? I said I don’t care but he went back to just staring and complimenting.

The Other Black Guy showed up and he was indeed, quite huge, lol. This guy is 6 foot 6 and built like a linebacker. He was very dark skinned and had an accent that was obviously not American. He seemed kinda shy but took an immediate liking to me and kept giving me the eye. He was cute, though not necessarily my “type”. He and the girl he was with pulled me aside later and asked if the Professor and I would like to go up to their room with them. At that time another whole group of people, including the Burt Reynolds guy had also invited us back to their bedroom. Another guy and his wife were trying as well.

There were all these people trying to get us to sleep with them so the Professor pulled me aside and asked what I wanted to do. I said I didn’t care, I’d do whatever. He didn’t like my answer and said that’s not true that I am normally picky and he doesn’t believe that. I said, well, not tonight. Tonight I do not care which people we sleep with. I was feeling numb. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck. He wasn’t accepting my answer and complained that I hadn’t kissed him all night long. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really feel like kissing him after finding out he’s been dishonest with me.

He kept insisting I talk with him and was getting resentful of people’s interruptions of our conversation so he took me up near the main desk of the hotel and we sat on the couch. I said, okay let’s just go to the room where there are gonna be a bunch of people and see what happens. He was like “you know you can’t go in there without every guy there trying to fuck you right?” I said that’s okay, I don’t care. He said yes you do and I was like NO I don’t. Isn’t this what you want? For me to go along with whatever? He said he didn’t like it because I normally don’t act like that and I still hadn’t kissed him.

So finally we go back down and by that time (because he had kept me up there so long) half the people were gone. So we go out on the balcony and ask some people where the rooms are. Mr. Burt Reynolds is out there and comes up and holds my hands and starts to drag me away. He pulls me over near his wife who is acting grouchy and smoking a cigarette and tells us we don’t need to be standing there watching her smoke and to go back inside.

He takes me back over to the Professor, who is waiting kind of impatiently and takes me with him back to the hotel rooms. We walk into the room (227) where people are supposed to be. A woman is lying on the bed and her husband is fucking her. No one else is there. He gets up and I can see he’s got some sort of cock ring on. She asks for a drink and then I realize she is tied to the bed.

Now this is the fairly good looking guy who I had seen fucking his wife on a mattress at the last party and she had asked the Professor to join in but he declined. He’s the one who has been asking to go down on me. He starts making comments to that effect and asking me to come sit on the bed. The Professor tells him not to push me. He says he wasn’t meaning it that way and the Professor tells him he doesn’t like to push women into anything. Meanwhile he’s holding onto me with his arms around my waist and his hands interlocked with mine, so I couldn’t go sit on the bed if I wanted to. He’s telling them I am shy but I think it’s really him who wants me to himself. He had told me earlier that this guy was bi and I think it was meant to deter me from wanting to sleep with him. I had said I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as he’s wearing a condom.

At this point the wife has moved to the other bed and pulled a dress over her head but has no panties on, everything showing and a boob hanging out. She’s a little on the heavy side and the Professor had told me before she was a little bigger than what he likes in bed. She’s texting on her phone and playing around. She tells me I should fuck her husband and let him go down on me, that he’s really good at it. He comes and whispers in my ear that he will be really disappointed if he doesn’t get the chance.

In comes another woman and a couple of men. This woman had just been fucking a couple earlier that her husband told us he wasn’t interested in. He said they were mad at him for not joining in but he just wasn’t attracted to them. He also says that Mr. Burt Reynolds and his wife are fighting. I hope it has nothing to do with me.

So his wife gets on the bed and starts sucking the guy with a cock ring’s dick. He also has a couple of piercings on the head of his penis. People are discussing that and she is saying how she likes to say hello by sucking someone’s dick. The texting wife is talking about how sometimes her husband lasts for hours when he fucks people. She asks the other guys who they are and they claim they just walked in off the street and we are all laughing until they admit that was a joke and they are from the swinger site as well.

In walks the huge black man and his girlfriend. They come over and stand near us and he keeps looking over at me. The texting wife and the husband of the woman who is now on the bed fucking her husband get into a mock argument and then she starts sucking his dick. He made a comment about how that finally shut her up and she pulls back and tells him if he keeps talking like that his dick is gonna just be hanging there. They argue for a bit more and she starts sucking him again.

The Professor still has a pretty tight grip on me. The wife who had been texting but is now sucking a guys dick pulls away and yells that anyone whose dick or pussy is not out needs to get the hell out of her room. So the other woman (they work together and she is actually her boss) gets on the bed and is sucking another random guy off. The big black man is taking pictures with his cell phone but he stays clothed. I’m not liking the pushy vibe and don’t want to have sex with most of the men in the room though there are two “maybe’s” (the good looking husband of the first woman and the tall black man). The Professor takes me out of the room and says he thinks that woman is too bitchy.

We decide it’s time to leave the party and on the way out there is a group of people that we stop and talk to. One of them is the woman who doesn’t like me. She is kind of aggressively flirting with the Professor and standing by him and touching but he is holding onto my hands. We chat for a bit and then head out.

On the way home we talked a little about the party before I finally bring up the Christmas party thing again. He says everyone makes mistakes and keeps making excuses for his behavior and how he didn’t want to hurt me. I look out the window trying to blink away tears and don’t talk much at all. When we get closer I ask him to drop me off at my house and he reminds me that my vehicle is at his place. So when we arrive I get my stuff and get in and he is standing in the door asking me if I am just going to leave and I say yes. He looks like he wants to cry but I just head home, where I completely break down in tears before getting up to get ready for bed.

The next morning he texted and asked why I would stay at the party if I didn’t want to spend time with him. I didn’t answer. I set to writing this blog and he showed up at my door and knocked but I ignored him. He texted again saying he thought I was being unfair not letting him even talk to me. I explained that I didn’t want to talk because he hurt me and I can’t have an “open” relationship with someone who is gonna be dishonest. He said I actually seemed like I wanted to touch him again at the end of the party and then he felt like I got mad again and I explained that I was just numb and trying to gloss over my feelings until I could make it home to cry. He asks again for me to talk to him and to come by his house and I say I can’t because I am in my pj’s.

He says if I don’t come by then he will know that I never want to see him again. I text “well, I don’t so I’ll just tell you that flat out. I’ve lost trust in you and it will never work that way. The End.” He said “wow, so youre going to break up over text messaging, really?” and I said “break up what? According to you we were just fwb anyway”.

Finally he comes by my house again. I let him in and he talked to me and said basically all the same stuff. Excuses and justifications. I told him repeatedly there is no way I can have an open relationship without trust and this makes me question everything he tells me now and that just isn’t gonna work out. He still hasn’t given an actual APOLOGY, though he said “everyone makes mistakes” and that this let him know he needs to tell me stuff in the future (as if that hadn’t been established before). I ask if he told the married woman he was going to that party and he was like “why is that important?” which lets me know he did. That makes it even worse.

He tried to hug me a few times and wrapped his arms around me and just looked like he was about to cry and said he cares about me and that’s why he was trying to avoid hurting me. Then he walked away and said well, it’s up to you now. I let him go and didn’t say a word. Now he’s texting me again and it says “I’m gonna miss you :(”.

I don’t know. The truth is I really doubt my ability to trust him now. He let me down. He’s not the honest, truthful guy I thought I’d met and who would be open and real with me. I have feelings for him, am falling in love even, but I know without trust we can’t have anything, especially a swinging, poly type relationship because that takes a huge EXTRA amount of trust in a person. Yes I craved his touch when he was here and wanted to make up but I just don’t know if I can. Every time I start to think of him sexually my mind just stops and I feel pain instead of being turned on. Maybe we will make up eventually, but how can it ever be the same? I have no idea now if he’s been lying to me about other things, like how often he sees this married woman or anything else. It’s all the deception I thought could be avoided by being “open”. I’m crushed. 😦

Guilty as charged…

badgirl

So I’m feeling a little bit sneaky and dishonest today. I had sex with my fuck buddy and have no intention of telling the Professor about it. Normally we tell each other when we are going to sleep with another person. I just felt like today would be a bad day to share that information and it seemed so….. unnecessary.

See, the Professor already knows I fuck this guy from time to time. He is accepting of it, if not thrilled, lol. He says it is hard but he doesn’t begrudge me the opportunity to do so. He knows and agrees that if one of us doesn’t fuck other people it would be a lot more difficult to have the open relationship we both want and neither of us is ready to be tied down.

The Professor says when he knows I am fucking someone else it is hard for him, even though he is aware that it is his own issue to deal with. It even bugs him when I am not emotionally attached, like he knows is the case with Fuck Buddy. Afterwards he often doesn’t want to talk to me for a bit and won’t sleep with me on the same day that I’ve been with another guy (except in a group situation where he is included). It’s a little different from how I handle things, but I do understand. Poly relationships have their own challenges.

Normally he asks me to let him know before I have sex with another guy. He likes to be told when I am meeting up with the person and when I leave. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to try and text or call during that time and not get a response and have to wonder if I am fucking the other guy at that very instant. So I let him know and he theoretically does the same thing for me. I’m a little different in that I WANT to be contacted now and again if he is spending an entire weekend or something with someone (which is often the case for him and only occasionally do I have overnights with anyone else). Not hearing from him in those instances makes me feel abandoned and I want some reassurance that he is still thinking about me from time to time and not leaving me for the other person. I guess that is just my thing. I’d rather that than be ignored.

Anyhow today was a little different situation. The Professor was leaving to drive out of town and will be gone until after the holidays. 30 minutes after he headed out, my fuck buddy arrived at my house. I just didn’t think it would make him feel very good to think that the minute he leaves I’m jumping on another cock. Not that it actually has anything to do with him personally. Also, knowing he would be on a drive, with a college student he is giving a ride to, I knew there would be no reason for him to contact me. So it just seemed like it would be rubbing something in his face that I didn’t need to.

Still, I feel a little guilty. Like, I’m kinda breaking our contract. I don’t know. I never actually lied about it but it still feels like a bit of a lie, if a white one. :/

Also, I was a bit confused by the Professor’s behavior last night. I was leaving my kids with their dad and thought we would probably see each other, but I made no specific effort to make plans with him because I wanted to leave that decision to him after our last argument and see if he would invite me over on his own, without it being my suggestion. I’m usually the one that asks if he wants to see me, because I have limited free time and he is more flexible and it generally works out best that way, for both of us. So I let him know I was dropping the kids off and he asked what I was doing and I simply said I wasn’t sure.

Instead of inviting me over, like I’d hoped, he decided to go to a married friend’s house (people from work, not that he is sleeping with) for dinner. He was rather curious about what I was up to but never made an effort to get together and I was internally kind of pissed, but kept my mouth shut. Instead I took some time to myself and was vague about what I was doing towards the Professor.

Later that night we were texting and I mentioned that my furnace had stopped working and there was cold air blowing out of the vents. He offered to come over and take a look at it for me. Turned out he was able to fix it (yay) after two hours of work and he also bought new filters for me and replaced them. What a sweetheart! 🙂

I felt kinda bad for the way I’d been feeling towards him earlier in the evening, even though I had kept it to myself. Also, my just turned 3 year old daughter was the only one awake in the house when he came by and she was tired and cranky and wouldn’t go to sleep because of the excitement and took to screaming and being inconsolable no matter what I did. He stopped working and asked her if she’d let him hold her and walked around singing to her and got her to calm down. It was really sweet and cute because she was trying to sing along. Awww… This guy is NOT doing a good job of helping me not have feelings for him, I’ll tell you that!

So anyway, he fixed everything and gave me my Christmas present and left at like 2 am but no sex, just hugs and a peck on the cheek. Wah! 😦 He had to leave on a long drive early in the morning.

So when Mr. Fuck Buddy let me know he was in town, I was definitely in the mood. I mean, otherwise it might mean no sex for the rest of the holidays, lol. He was great in bed too and we had a fantastic time!

When I say he is a “fuck buddy” I mean that in the truest sense of the word, lol. No emotional thing going on with us WHATSOEVER. He had a birthday the other day and I didn’t even know and had to say Happy Birthday long after the fact. I also just found out today that he’d been married before. What?? LOL

So the minute he shows up at my door he’s pushing me back towards the bedroom and starts taking off his clothes. So I start removing mine and it was apparently not fast enough because he was ripping the rest of them off before I could finish, lol. Like he was unbuckling my bra from the back while I was still attempting to slide off my pants. A very hot sexual encounter ensued. He was being extra dominant and part of the time had me pinned face down on the bed while his hand was rubbing my clit and he was laying across my back fucking me hard and deep and slapping my ass hard enough to leave red marks. I actually squirted during that time and really the only times I’ve ever done that knowingly have been with him. He’s very well endowed (9 inches and super thick) so maybe that has something to do with it. Squirting itself isn’t THAT exciting to me but it was fun.

We did a few other positions too, and one that the Professor has done recently too, where we start out with me bent over the bed and him fucking me from behind and then he has me lay facedown on the edge of the bed while he climbs up behind me on his knees. That felt pretty good too. All together I came about 4 or 5 times. The whole thing lasted maybe 40 minutes from start to finish. I actually was feeling a bit worn out by the end (hey I stayed up late, got up early and he was wearing a condom which can start to chafe after a lot of vigorous pumping, lol) and so finished him off in my mouth. Yeah, I think I can handle a little guilt today. 😉

Men, they just don’t get it…and territorial, competitive, women

I don’t want to be a man hater. I really don’t. I want so much to be able to love and trust men, without fear. It seems like I am always hopeful, always looking for the best in every guy that I have a relationship with. Yet every time, every freaking time, they disappoint.

Once, the guy I had an affair with got an earful from me that had something to do with how frustrating I found both men and computers. I said anything else I can understand, be patient with and handle. Like I can handle a bunch of small children, but give me a man or a computer and I am fucked (heh, no pun intended, but…). His response was “that’s because you expect men and computers to be perfect, and they’re not”.

Okay, I had to mull over that one for a bit, because I think it’s true. My expectations regarding the male species are pretty darn high. I don’t think it’s just me either. Women, in general, seem to want the impossible out of men, at least in comparison to what they are actually like in reality. It’s like sheesh, can’t you just read my mind and do things exactly the way I want you to? That would make it sooo much easier, seriously, thanks in advance.

For real though, why does it have to be so hard? Why do men and women have such a difficult time communicating and meeting one another’s needs? It’s like all the relationship books and theories in the world just don’t cut it in real life. We STILL can’t get along! Not even when all the “experts” spell it out for us in detail.

When I first got married someone gave me the book “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”. I wanted to read it but my ex- husband railed about how bad secular psychology was and how the only psychology book we needed was the Bible, so I put it in a box in the attic. Years later, when we were going through our divorce (and after having read quite a few marriage and relationship books from a Christian perspective in addition to the Bible), I found it and read it. Lots of interesting advice that seemed like it would help with some men, but almost totally useless when it came to the ex because he didn’t seem like the typical male at all in his attitude or patterns of behavior.

I was having my affair at the time though and actually did find some of the information helpful during our arguments because he and I seemed to pretty well fit the typical male/female types. I wouldn’t agree with all of the advice and some of it was corny, but the idea of men being like rubber bands and needing to go into their caves was eye opening for me and helped me to understand and give more space. So there was some good advice as far as understanding men and their general weirdness.

Men are always complaining about how complex and confusing women are. No dudes, it’s not us, it’s YOU, lol. Sometimes the things you do and say just make NO sense whatsoever!

Anyway, what I’m getting to is that the Professor and I are having some issues. 😦 I am broken and I don’t know what to do. I hate that having feelings for someone seems to make things so much more complicated.

Actually, I’d been thinking for a while about writing some POSITIVE things about him. He’s been really wonderful to me in ways no other guy really ever has in my life and I am most definitely falling harder than I would like for this man. Harder than I would like because having FEELINGS starts to stress me out. Everything stops being so simple when you get vulnerable with a person.

I feel like overall things with us have been GREAT, really. I adore the heck out of him and have opened up and trust him more and more all the time. He talks to me too. We are supposed to be open about our sexual activity and I THINK he is telling me when he is with other women. I know on my end I have been completely honest as far as what I am doing and with whom. It was his idea to tell each other things and I’ve been happy because I just felt like he was being real with me and it took away a lot of the worry I have had in other relationships.

I’m not saying the poly thing is easy, for either of us really. He gets upset when I sleep with other men. Not angry with me, but he admits that it affects him emotionally. He won’t sleep with me on the same day that I have been with someone else (unless we are swinging together) and it takes him a bit to “get over” it afterwards, which leaves me feeling kind of guilty. I hate to hurt him in any way because I really like him. For that reason and because of his cancer scare, I had cut back quite a bit on meeting with other guys. I wanted to take away as much of his stress and worry as possible. I decided no NEW men until the coast was clear. Thankfully he didn’t have cancer but he is still on meds for an inflamed prostate and slowed down his outside activities so I have still been holding back a bit.

So the past couple months he hasn’t been with anyone else but me. At least that’s what he’s saying and we are supposed to tell each other. Me, on the other hand, I have been with my fuck buddy a couple of times and once with Mr. Former Affair guy. The rest of the time it’s just been the Professor. However, there is always this married woman that is in love with him long distance lurking in the background. I have to keep reminding myself of that because it’s so easy to forget and want to start getting comfortable with the idea that he is MINE.

I’m not too fond of this married woman. It seems, from my end, that she makes attempts at sabotaging the relationship I have with the Professor whenever she gets a chance. She was around six months before me and according to the Professor was having a hard time with me being in his life. He claimed, at least in the beginning, that she was more in love with him than vice versa. She’s a decade older than the Professor (so almost 20 years older than me), rich, and has been married for a long time. I guess she isn’t in love with her husband and he still “allows” her to come visit once a month or so and stay for a few days at a time. She has a key to his apartment (which I strongly resent) and is attractive despite her age (I’ve seen pics on the swinger site).

The first weekend, after he and I were seeing each other, that she came down, he completely disappeared and I was pretty hurt. He didn’t text or anything and I took it to mean he was through and didn’t want to see me again. He later said he couldn’t contact me because she was so upset about some guy standing her up that she spent the entire weekend in tears, needing his comfort. What a pathetic sounding manipulative strategy for hogging his attention. EYEROLL.

On subsequent visits we have had different issues. For example, she randomly decided to make a trip down here on my birthday weekend, when he and I were supposed to be spending time together. I was crushed. Once she came down for a set amount of days and then decided to stay an extra day, on a day he was supposed to be coming over to MY house for dinner, causing him to stand me up. I was not happy. Of course I was angry with HIM all those times because I felt he could put some limits on her obnoxious, disrespectful behavior, and he hasn’t. He doesn’t seem to see the manipulative side of it all. When I try to point it out he seems to blame ME for saying anything, which is upsetting and leads me to wonder if he is more in love with her than he is willing to admit. He CLAIMS to see neither of us as “above” the other but I sometimes have my doubts.

Anyhow HE recently had a birthday. He wanted to spend a day on the weekend before with me and I had made him a naughty video of myself which I gave to him then. We weren’t able to go out though because I got out of the house so late after problems getting my kids to their dads. We ended up hanging out at his house and having hot sex which was fun, but I felt bad that I couldn’t do more for him. He knows I am broke though and he claimed to be busy with work and coaching the rest of the week.

So on the day of his actual birthday, I left some homemade cookies on the doorstep while he was supposed to be at a meeting at work. He took an unusually long time to mention that he had seen my present and then finally texts claiming his “sister” had driven down to see him, from a city a few hours away, as a surprise. That sounded pretty suspect. I mean, his sister just randomly shows up, in the middle of a work week, from that far away, without letting him know? Without maybe checking to see if he was gonna spend it with someone else? Um…. It did however, sound like something his favorite married woman would do. She likes to randomly show up at inconvenient times and would of course want to do something for his birthday. Supposedly he hadn’t seen her for a couple of months before that.

I called him to ask if he minded me stopping by to say hi, since I was near his house anyway. He said he was at a restaurant with his “sister”. I said “you mean your sister or your married friend?” He said it was his sister and launched into some sort of excuse and I asked again, twice. He sounded like he was gonna cry so I let him go and texted to have a great birthday dinner and sorry if I was wrong. I still didn’t really believe him but I went to work out at the gym and then sat in my car afterwards mulling it over and chatting with a male friend online about what he thought. I managed to refrain from driving to his apartment to see if I could spot them or acting like a crazy stalker bitch.

Meanwhile, he calls me and he is at MY house. He wondered where I was (the gym had been closed for a bit already) and I had to rush back. He sat there and told me his sister and her boyfriend had come down but that they drove back home and we kissed and made up and all was okay, though he did ask me later where I actually was and didn’t seem to believe my story. I said I had been upset and sitting in my car outside the gym and he said that was way overthinking. Eventually he let it drop.

Okay, so LAST night we were supposed to go to this orgy party that I had discovered on Craigslist. It was an hour and a half out of town and we had to send pics to be approved because supposedly it was only good looking, in shape couples and we passed the test and were given the hotel address. So we drive all the way there and NO ONE is at the hotel room. Damn! Jerks. They didn’t even have the decency to tell us not to show up and we had rsvp’d and everything. Nice. Anyhow, I tried my best to make light of the situation and cheer him up and tease him about what we were gonna do when we got back to his place, even though it was late. We tried emailing some other couples on the drive but no luck. We ended up back at his house and had some hot one on one and I spent the night all cuddled up with him in his bed. Wonderful ending.

Only I woke up in the morning after a horrible dream about that married woman. I dreamt I got into a fight with her at his place. He had to leave to coach his team and said not to rush I could just stay in bed and lock the door when I leave.

So when I get up and go over to the dresser, where he had said to put my jewelry the night before, I can’t help but notice that my jewelry is lying on top of a brightly colored, striped notecard with a note from the married woman. It says something like “thanks Baby for a great time, sweet dreams, I miss you sooo much xoxoxoxo”, then with a message for his dog at the bottom (eyeroll). I felt sick to my stomach, but went over by his nightstand to finish putting my clothes on. In a flash I pull open the drawer where he keeps his sex toys/condoms, etc. and sure enough there is another one of those striped notecards with a little love note. In his fucking SEX drawer, so that any time he opens it he would see and think of HER. What a bitch. This HAS to be deliberate.

I should have just ripped up the stupid cards and not said anything. But no, I’m too freaking honest for my own good. I’m feeling upset about it so I feel like I NEED to verbalize that to him and tell him what I saw. I texted him that I was leaving and that I would have left a note but there was already one there. On the way out I see another similar card sticking out of a bunch of papers (you can’t miss them, they are bright as hell and I’m sure that is her intention) and yep it’s another little love note. I don’t want to see anymore but my curiosity gets the best of me. Yeah, there’s a whole fucking STACK of little love cards and Hallmark cards from her sitting next to the TV. She’s taken over the whole damn house. You’d think they were married to each other or something.

I left the house feeling flustered and awful and sick to my stomach and like I was gonna cry. She had to have been there recently because I had never noticed the card on the dresser before. How could I miss that? It was in plain sight and I know I’ve put my phone and stuff on there. I figure it wasn’t really his “sister” after all, which means he is not really someone I can trust to keep his word. I am really upset now but don’t text and have to run off to an appt with my children.

He finally responded like 2 hours later and said that it was a card that has been there forever. I made a snappy comment about it being nice of his “sister”. He said ok, we will talk later. Later, I have calmed down a bit but done some crying and decide to just be honest (dammit there I go again) and tell him that seeing it hurt me. He says it’s my own fault for being hurt. WTF? Then he accuses me of not locking his door. What? I totally made sure to do so.

This is where it all goes to pot. All I needed was for him to say something like “hey I’m really sorry you had to see that. It’s been there forever and I didn’t mean for it to hurt you” and all would be good. But no, he is a male. He can’t do that. He blames ME for having hurt feelings and gets me all upset and I tell him that if he can’t understand my feelings then I will make sure not to express them to him any further. He says he’s going to a movie and completely ignores that I am feeling bad, expresses no compassion or care whatsoever. I don’t respond. Later he texts thanks for making his bed and that he hopes my kids and I have a nice Christmas. (He had given presents for them yesterday). So I guess that implies he doesn’t want to see me again. Wonderful.

I texted back thanks for making displaying this woman’s love notes more important than my feelings. I left one last text late tonight saying thanks for the gifts my kids will love them and that I had sent him a gift he will get eventually but he may not know it was from me since I had called him Baby and signed it with xoxoxoxo. (Implying that he may think its from her…it was a gift certificate for an hour long massage at a local massage school. I had been pretty excited to get that for him because I know he has been having some joint pain and would love one and normally I couldn’t afford an hour long massage but lucked out at the school with prices). Guess it doesn’t matter anyway. Plus I’m sure he will get something much nicer from the very wealthy old lady he is sleeping with and apparently prioritizes over me. Maybe I do hate men after all.