Tag Archive | jealousy

Talk about a messed up week…..

babymamaphoto

In my zeal to complete the Shine On Award I completely forgot to mention another disturbing thing that happened this past week.  This time it involves a different man, my ex-husband.  I’ll admit it totally threw me off guard and was more than a little emotionally upsetting.

I received a text, one night, at midnight, as I was sitting at my computer.  It was from my ex-husband’s number, asking “do you still think of me sometimes?”  What. The. Fuck.????!!   I was flabbergasted!  It didn’t sound at all like something he would say.

So I wasn’t sure what to think.  It crossed my mind that perhaps it wasn’t him writing the message, but his girlfriend.  She is super jealous and seems to think I’m still interested in him, which is preposterous, but I guess she has no way of knowing better.  She also seems to take the fact that I am single as a personal threat, as though that indicates I’m still pining over him.  If only she knew, but she doesn’t.

It wouldn’t be the first time she had messaged me using his phone, without saying who she actually was and causing confusion. She had also sent messages before from her own number, using underhanded little jabs regarding my singledom and supposed inability to get a man.  And this, this just didn’t make sense coming from my ex-husband.

So my immediate response was “is this a joke?”  The person on the other end said “No, why?”  I started to doubt my first impression, what if it really was him?  What if he was actually asking me this question?  Was he having any kind of regret over our failed marriage?  I was so confused.

I responded “I just can’t imagine why you would ask me that”.  The return text said “Idk either”.  Now I felt kind of bad.  What if I was hurting his feelings with my abruptness? 

In any case, who never thinks of someone they were married to for almost half their life?  Sure he crosses my mind, though it is usually with remembrances of the more hurtful things he said and did.  I try to block out the better times because it comes with the painful recognition of failure at something I wanted so badly to work out, for us and for our children.

I didn’t know what to say.  Who was I actually talking to?  How could I be honest without leading him on if he were actually having thoughts of reconciliation?  I finally responded “I mean, I was married to you for 13 years and we were together 15.  Of course you cross my mind but not in a wanting to get back together ever sort of way.”

I hoped that answer would be sufficient.  For him, for his girlfriend, whoever might be reading.  I didn’t get a response until late the next morning.  In the meantime I lay down to sleep in a jumble of confusing, conflicting and bewildering thoughts.  I remembered things like the Valentine’s day gift he brought me after the divorce and how shocked I’d been that the person who’d hardly ever thought of me during our marriage managed to do so after.  I had simply thanked him and left it at that, but it was fucking with me.

The next morning the text I got from him said that he wasn’t texting me the night before, that his girlfriend had too much to drink and he wasn’t sure what all she said to me.  I commented that yeah, it didn’t sound like something he would say.  Still now, I guess I’ll never know, was it really her being a manipulative bitch or was it him and he used that excuse to cover up what he’d actually been thinking?

In either case it really fucked with my head, being in the emotional state I’ve been in already.  Kind of emotionally cruel but I guess he was passive aggressively like that during the marriage too. 

His girlfriend, on the other hand, just has this obsession with thinking I want him back so most likely it WAS her but it’s ridiculous.  I mean, she really seems to see me as a threat and I’ve no interest in him whatsoever, despite having had children together and trying to make our marriage work for years and years.  It didn’t.  I’m done. 

She invited me once to a BBQ at her house, last summer.  Not knowing that I see men on my own I think she thought she’d try and hook me up with someone.  My kids were there, and my ex-husband, as well as her mother and grandmother and daughters and cousins. 

His girlfriend and all her family are black.  I and my ex- husband and kids are white. They invited one other white guy to the BBQ and he was REALLY trying hard to hook up with me, which I was avoiding at all costs.  She was super encouraging of trying to help him get to know me.   I suspect it was a set up. 

I had to leave early (to go on a date) and soon after the guy texted, even though I’d declined to give him my number.  He’d gotten it from her.  UGH!

There is no way in HELL I would date a friend of theirs, even if I’d been attracted to this guy.  I just have no interest in associating with them or letting them know my business.  Not to mention it was super awkward with my ex- husband there looking on as the guy followed me around.  That, and her general fakeness and introducing me as his “baby mama”.  Please.  I was MARRIED to the man for 13 years and we have children together, it was a hell of a lot more than that.

I don’t blame her for being jealous of me.  She weighs twice as much as I do and is physically less attractive.  That’s putting it nicely.  Most people were in shock when she and my ex started dating after the divorce.  He’s a very physically fit and good looking man. My first thoughts were this lady is really ghetto/ratchet.  Sorry, but it’s true.

The woman has a police record for domestic assault (3 times) and dui’s, she’s been in jail since he was with her, supposedly for violating probation.  I normally try and avoid her.  I’m not looking for a fight.

My kids are required to visit with them and to be fair she has been nice to them thus far.  She got them Christmas presents and my ex doesn’t do that kind of thing on his own.  She bought my 3 year old daughter a (black) doll and I thought that was really sweet.  She also wanted to pierce my daughter’s ears to which I said NO (!!!) but I think her intentions were good. 

I feel sorry for her because I think my ex treats her similarly to how he did me and her self- esteem doesn’t seem really high either.  She actually has it worse in some ways, like she was the one working and providing everything for the family while he sat on his butt with no job for almost 8 months.  It’s easy to say I would have left him if I were her but obviously I can’t talk.

She thinks they are getting married and even had a date set last year but it never happened.  I have my doubts.  I only heard about that because my sister (who is half black, so I guess slipped past the radar and she didn’t recognize was someone she didn’t know) had decided to friend her on Facebook out of curiosity, unbeknownst to me.  She called to tell me about the posting regarding the upcoming wedding.  I said something about it to my ex and he denied it was going to happen any time soon.  I guess it never did.

So really, I feel sorry for her and I don’t hate her or anything but I try and avoid her.  My sister has since been removed off her FB, lol.  In any case, it was pretty low to text me pretending to be him, if she did.  I wish she wouldn’t worry about me wanting him back because I don’t.  Hopefully if she’s the one that texted it will allay her fears and if it was him he will have had his curiosity satiated, but yeah, another upsetting incident for me this past week.

Oh, and I’m not getting to see the Producer today.  He is in serious pain with his hip and going to the ER.  No idea what is wrong.  Hopefully it’s not something really serious.

Uh-oh

fighting

Tonight the Pilot and I opened a new couples profile together on the swinger site.  We added some pics of ourselves fucking as well as photos taken from each of our individual profiles.  He wrote it up really well and we look and sound awesome, if I do say so myself. 😉

As soon as he put it out publicly we were inundated with views and winks and emails as well as people sending us their private photo galleries.  It’s only been up a couple of hours and there have been something like 400 or more visitors already.  One of our first visitors was apparently, the Professor. :/

I felt awful.  He texted me almost as soon as the photos were posted.  He must have seen the ones of me and tried to click on it on the main page where they feature new photos.  Only, he couldn’t access our actual profile because the Pilot blocked single males from looking at us. 

His text said “I see you block single males from your profile now so I guess you found someone who will treat you well and appreciate you.  Good luck”.    I’d been hoping with him being blocked he wouldn’t have even been able to see the photos.  Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. 😦  No idea if he had to see the ones of us fucking or even recognized that it was us but for his sake I hope not.

It was especially bad because he’d been texting me yesterday, obviously trying to reconnect.  I do still care about him too, a lot, and don’t want to hurt him.  He clearly took us blocking single males as a personal affront but it wasn’t that at all.

The Pilot wanted to do so because he didn’t want to deal with emails from single men.  No reason that he should need to.  If I come up there to visit him and we are playing with someone we meet with our couples profile it wouldn’t be fair for it to be a guy.  Then the Pilot wouldn’t get to fuck anyone and I would.  A single female at least we could both play but he isn’t into guys. 

We kept our single profiles and it was decided to avoid drama we will only hook up with people TOGETHER with our couples profile and if we want to do something separately we need to do it with our own profiles.  Makes perfect sense to me. 

However the Prof was clearly hurt and it put a damper on my excitement.   We texted back and forth and I was here trying to comfort him in between happy texts from the Pilot telling me thanks for being such a cool girl.  We are also planning to go to another party and were getting all the details taken care of for that.  Then he was off to hang out with some swinger friends (and possibly have sex). 

I still feel totally relaxed about the Pilot and what he does without me.  It doesn’t bother me a bit at this point.  He’s just got a really good attitude about it all.  It was his idea to not have any outside hookups without each other from our couple’s profile.  I love the way he sets boundaries like that.  It makes me feel so much better about everything and like I don’t have to worry.

So, back to the Prof.  He was clearly jealous and upset.  I told him I wasn’t blocking single males from my regular profile just for this one and it’s only for occasional play with a friend.  He was like “oh, well ok.  Glad you found a friend that appreciates you”.  I must have told him at some point before that he didn’t appreciate me.  Sigh.

I told him to stop it.  That he’d pretty much broken my heart and that I wasn’t trying to hurt him and that the single male blocking wasn’t personal.  I said I didn’t think he’d even see it, which was true.  We put it in a zip code closer to the Pilot and I just wasn’t expecting the Prof to notice it right away like that.  Our profile photo doesn’t show our faces.

He said our breakup was hard for him too and that he cares for  me and it isn’t easy but I have the right to do whatever I like.  I spent some time explaining that it was just for fun and I’m not tied down to this guy or anything.  He commented “well, he must not want you guys to play with single guys when you’re a couple because he did block them”.  He was really stuck on the blocking thing.  Maybe because it makes him feel shut out and he can’t even look but I really don’t think he wants to see a bunch of pics of me fucking the Pilot anyhow.  I didn’t tell him that though.

I tried to explain our reasoning and he said I didn’t have to but there was still a hurt and jealous tone to his texts.  He kept saying “well, I hope you’re having fun”.  He made a comment that I acted like he was supposed to know this guy or something the way I talked and I said no, not that I know of.  I didn’t tell him this but I’ve barely even mentioned to the Pilot that I had a relationship before him.  I commented that I had been seeing someone about 9 months and going to parties with him occasionally but that’s all he knows.  He hasn’t pressed any further so I kept quiet about it.

It’s possible that they’ve met.  The Pilot apparently also knows (and probably slept with) the married woman that the Prof sees but I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about that.  I didn’t want to get into too much detail with either of them about that kind of stuff.

I finally told the Prof, hey, you didn’t want me anyway, you said you didn’t want any kind of relationship with me.  You said the other woman in your life was more valuable to you and that I wasn’t  worth the trouble.  Then when I tried to see how you were doing you acted uninterested in talking to me.  You seemed happy with all the people you were sleeping with and like I hadn’t really meant anything.

His excuse was that he was really busy with the end of the school year and then getting started in his new job.  He said he can’t believe I don’t think he cares and that he misses talking to me.  I told him I cried for months and you didn’t seem to care then and he said it was because he knew it would be harder.  

I finally said “well, it’s not like anyone was making you not talk to me or be around me.  That was what you wanted”.  He said it was because there was stuff in his life that he needed to get figured out.  I have no clue what he is referring to there.

We left it at that before he went to bed and I’m up here typing.  Part of me is thinking hey, why not just have my cake and eat it too?  Can I somehow incorporate the Prof back into my life without ruining things with the Pilot?  I really do have feelings for him.  Things right now with the Pilot are so awesome though, that I am also afraid to risk it. 

It SHOULDN’T be a risk but I am not so sure that it wouldn’t be.  The Prof knows a lot of people and likes to talk and could very easily get word out about things between he and I in a way that might piss off the Pilot.  I can see him trying to sabotage things with us.  Maybe he wouldn’t and maybe I am being unfair and should give him the benefit of the doubt, but then again, maybe not. 

I also do wonder about whether the Pilot is going to exhibit any jealousy in the future.  It’s too early to tell and if he doesn’t he’d be a rare male indeed.  He’s admitted that he is afraid it is something he could struggle with if he likes someone too much.  Right now he doesn’t ask me about guys but he has said we are free to do what we want with our individual profiles so I know he has to know that is a possibility.  I have no intention of rubbing it in his face or giving him details though unless he asks.

I wonder if it’s possible though, for me to have it all?  Like can I just have all my fun with the Pilot and relegate the Prof to the fuck buddy status he claimed to want or is that just a recipe for hurt and disaster at this point? 

Oh, and the Producer has been more silent lately.  Maybe I upset him when I told him I might be going out of town this weekend.  He knew it was to see another guy and he wanted to come here.  Also, he’s just been through an ordeal because he accidentally tried to board an airplane while carrying a loaded gun in his bag.  EEEk!  As you can imagine the TSA did not take kindly to this, especially coming from a big black man.  I guess it really was an accident and he has a conceal and carry license and a clean record so they let him off but he faces the possibility of like a 25,000 fine and has to be investigated by the Feds.  He said it was really embarrassing. 

Anyway, decisions, decisions……

Feeling abandoned :(

abandoned

I don’t know if I can continue on what I have with the Professor any longer.  His most recent visit with the married woman caused me a lot of hurt and not for the reasons you might think.  It was less about the fact that he was having sex with her and more about the way I felt he abandoned ME.

Things started out okay.  I knew he was going up to her city for a tournament he was coaching.  I knew there was a possibility of them sleeping together, and even of her staying the night, though the past couple of times her husband has nixed their get togethers so I wasn’t sure how likely it actually was.

The day before he left we saw each other and had great sex.  I was feeling better about things.  The next morning he came and picked me up from the auto shop where my vehicle was being repaired and surprised the kids and I with donuts.  He was like “you look cute this morning” when I got in the car but when I moved over to kiss him as he was driving he didn’t respond.  This made it where I couldn’t quite reach him and I was like “you won’t let me kiss you?”  He said it was because he was driving and he did kiss me later when I got out of the car, but that first instance set a bad feeling in my stomach because it was right before he was heading out of town and would be seeing HER.  I felt like he was starting to pull away from me.

I tried to brush it off but the image stuck in my mind.  I KNOW I have massive abandonment issues and it is something I really struggle with.  The Professor is aware of this because in times past, when the married woman came to visit him I have pretty much flipped.  Each time it’s been due to me feeling ignored and set aside due to her being there. 

It all started with the very first time she came down and he suddenly completely ignored me for THREE DAYS.  We had had sex the day before and I thought everything was so great and was totally confused and hurt by his sudden abandonment of me.  His excuse afterwards was that she was crying over some guy she didn’t even know who had stood her up and needed his attention.

 I have a hard time buying that story.  Who cries for three days over a stranger?  Maybe someone who is being manipulative and trying to keep his attention off of ME.  Or maybe she wasn’t and he was lying?  Or she’s really THAT pathetic?  In any case it made me feel pretty awful that he would treat me like that just because of her and set the whole thing off to a really bad start.

The next couple of times weren’t much better.  Once he skipped a prearranged date with me because she decided she wanted to come see him.  I was on my period but had offered to give him a great blow job and he said, as part of his reasoning that “that wouldn’t be ENOUGH for him anyway”.  Ouch. 😦

Then there was the time she came down on the weekend before my BIRTHDAY, the only time that week he and I would have been able to have a date, and when he had promised and planned to take me out and do something special.  Well, it never happened.  He chose that haggard old married bitch over me and I was NOT HAPPY.  He tried to make up for it by dropping off a bottle of wine and a cake on my doorstep on the day of my birthday and also took the kids and me out for ice cream, but yeah, that’s not quite like an ADULT date ending in sex and I haven’t really forgiven him for that. 

Another time I had invited him over for dinner and even bought steak for us to eat but she decided to stay an extra day at his house and he “forgot”.  Each time was painful for me and we got into some big arguments.  I felt like I was being treated as second best. 

What disturbed me so much was that the REST of the time, when she’s not there, he’s WONDERFUL to me, he’s like the perfect guy and I’d fall harder and harder for him and then he’d do a complete 180 when that woman came around.  It didn’t help when I found a love note she had written him sitting atop his dresser (under my jewelry, where he’d told me to put it the night before) or that when we’d first started seeing each other he’d made it out like she was just a fuck buddy, yet later admitted she was “in love” with him. I’ve written about all of this stuff before in previous posts.

He would SAY that he sees us as “equal” and doesn’t put one of us before the other, but I felt like his actions were saying otherwise.  Why would he keep dropping dates with me and letting her decide to hang around longer and all of that if he cared as much about me?  Once he even made the excuse that he has known her longer (6 months longer) as though I give a flying fuck.  That doesn’t give him a reason to put me out and it made me very angry.

He also tried to say this is just “the Lifestyle” and that he and I aren’t in a “relationship” but are just fwb.  That stung because if this isn’t a “relationship” then why does he want to text with me all day every day (and gets upset if I take a while to respond)?  Why is he buying stuff for me and my kids?  Why is he taking me to parties with him and having sex with me and taking me out on dates and making dinner for me and coming over to my place for Easter dinner?  Why does he insist that we tell each other every time we play with someone else?  Why does HE get upset each time I’m with another man and need my reassurance and talking to him afterwards?  How is that “not a relationship”?  What the hell is it then?

I don’t understand that at all.  It seems like “this is not a relationship” was just something to throw in my face to not have to deal with my emotions when he does something hurtful.  He hasn’t said it again this time but its stuck in my mind because I feel yet again abandoned and like he doesn’t care about my feelings.

We’ve had some arguments each time he was with her due to all of this.  I have told him that if we are going to do this I REALLY need his reassurance that he cares about ME before and after he sees this woman and not to be ignored because of her or put out.  That is very important to me and there is no way I can do the “open” thing without that. 

So a while back, he slept with a different woman and things actually went pretty well.  See my post Almost compersion, (but not quite). One of the big things that helped was that he finally gave me the reassurance that I was looking for and needed to be able to cope.  It helped a LOT.  I thought now, he would do that with this other woman, because he knows that I need it but nope, he STILL won’t give me that when it comes to her.

When he first got into town and checked into his hotel he sent me a picture of his hotel room.  On one hand I’m sure it was because he was thinking of me but it made me feel kind of sick because I knew that he might be playing with her in there and didn’t want to have to picture it.  It was a very nice room.  I said “I wish I could be there with you” and he was like “aww, me too”. 

We texted back and forth that night but he disappeared for a while and said he had fallen asleep.  That kind of left me wondering but I accepted it.  The next day he was pretty uncommunicative.  Part of that, I know, was because he was at the gym all day for a tournament but it ran much later than usual and even afterwards he was being really slow to text back. He said he wasn’t playing with her that night but I had some question in my mind whether or not he was telling the truth.  He talked some though here and there. I tried not to stress too much because of course he had a lot going on and COULD be really as tired as he said he was.   He said he wasn’t playing with the woman because he was exhausted.

Meanwhile, I had thrown out a Craigslist post and also communicated with my fuck buddy.  The professor had almost seemed like he WANTED me to meet up with my fuck buddy.  However fuck buddy had a couple coming over and wanted me to meet with all of them and I wasn’t liking that idea.  It is an older couple and I’ve never met them or seen a picture of the guy and didn’t want to feel obligated to fuck him.  He kept saying the woman “wanted” me but I’d only seen a picture of her from the neck down and the idea of some lady who is as old as my mom that I’ve never even met “wanting” me was a tad creepy.  I decided against it and had a lot to do here at home that day anyway, like get ready for one of my kid’s birthday parties.

The Craigslist post brought back about 50 responses before getting flagged and taken down, but while there are a couple people I’m still emailing with here and there, nothing panned out and there was no one I was super attracted to. The ones that were I suspect were guys using fake pics.

 I also responded to an add from a “couple” looking for a “couple” with pics of me and the Professor and the guy turned it all around to saying that he wanted to be with just me and the Prof as a threesome (I said he wouldn’t go for that) to saying he wanted to play with me alone (I suspect the female half of the couple didn’t actually exist) to eventually admitting he is “bi-curious” and asking me if I’d be willing to suck his dick with another man.  Oh gee, that sounds like the time of my life right?  Go suck some random guy’s dick along with another man!  :p  I didn’t take him up on his offer but in the meantime he’d been told about my fuck buddy as well and seen a pic.  He asked if fuck buddy was still interested and fuck buddy said “tell him to go kill himself”.  Nice! 

This is way off topic, but seriously if you are looking for gay sex how about just posting that instead of being a “couple” looking for a “couple”?  Novel idea?  Oh and he claimed to be biracial and sent me a pic of a biracial guy and was talking about how his “girlfriend” was into “big, black guys” but the pic he sent of his cock looked decidedly white, like very pink, and his pubic hair did not look like it belonged to a “biracial” man.  It didn’t match his “face” pic at all.

Anyway, there were some guys that were interested but no one I felt the same way about so it just wasn’t worth it to me to meet any of them just so I could be playing with someone while the Professor was.  I didn’t want to let that drive my decision making and sleep with someone I’d later regret.

 I finally just decided to focus on stuff here and have also been reading the book “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino.  I was hoping the advice in there would be able to help me get through this past weekend better, but my emotions just took over after a certain point.  The book also talks a lot about making rules and agreements.  Well, I felt like the Professor was well aware of the fact that I need some reassurance before and after, since we’d talked about it more than once and he’d also done it the last time.  I was actually feeling like, hey, I can do this.  I’m not going to stress and maybe I will meet up with someone else later in the week (though due to have my period soon so it may not be as soon as I’d like and I’m also more emotional, ugh).

So, back to the Professor.  I’d texted him a couple times the next morning and he responded though it seemed like he was mostly brushing me off.  I attributed it to the fact he had to get to the gym and had another busy day ahead of him, which is probably true.  Around 1 pm I asked how the games were going.  He didn’t respond until after 7.  He’s never gone that long without answering me, even during a tournament. 

He said he’d had a crazy day and I congratulated him and his team then asked if he had plans that night.  No response for over an hour.  Finally he texted back “yeah will have dinner with the team.  My friend will come visit with her husband but not spending the night”. 

Okay.  I’m thinking, good, she’s not sleeping over at least, that will be easier for me to deal with.  I texted back “what time is that?”.  No response until 45 minutes later, when he said “about 10”.  It was almost ten already and I had been waiting on edge for a long time.  I said “ok.  Will you tell me when she leaves?”

 He again didn’t answer for a bit and so I was starting to feel very anxious.  Like, why is he not responding to me?  He must be talking to HER and can’t be bothered with it or something.  He knows we have an agreement to tell each other this stuff!  I finally texted again and said “you’ve been ignoring me almost all day and night already”.  He said “Yes, I will.  I miss playing with you though”.

Ugh!  That really pissed me off because it sounded so trite and untrue.  There is no way you miss playing with me RIGHT BEFORE you are about to have sex with HER!  I said “no you don’t.  You’ve barely answered me all day, but whatever”.  Then I put it out on the table “I feel abandoned”, hoping he’d offer some comfort and reassurance because I was really starting to need it.  NO RESPONSE and I knew she was due to be coming there soon.

 How could he not respond when I’d just told him I felt abandoned?  I was starting to feel panic.  I know some of that is due to childhood abandonment issues and it is something that is really difficult, real, and hard for me to deal with.  Thing is he KNOWS this already due to stuff that has happened in the past.  I’ve TOLD him repeatedly that I need that extra bit of reassurance if we are going to do this and now he just ignores me?

I texted “so you’re gonna treat me like this and ignore me and make me feel awful right before she comes over instead of the reassurance I have asked for?” He texted back (20 minutes later) “No, I coached most of the day and don’t get a good signal in the gym and we played a lot”.  What the hell does his coaching all day have to do with NOW??  I’m saying I feel abandoned NOW and he is doing this to me NOW.  So I texted him back “Even since you left there you’ve been taking a really long time to reply to my texts and suddenly treating me like I’m nothing to you.  It’s the same thing you’ve done every other time she was around or you had a chance to hook up with her”.  He texted back “God, you do this to me every time” and left me hanging and feeling like shit for the next couple hours while he was fucking her.

Finally he says “ok, she’s gone”.  I didn’t respond IMMEDIATELY, so FOUR MINUTES LATER he says “I’m not doing this tonight.  I worked and coached all day and haven’t been texting much cause we didn’t have a good signal”.  Note that he expects me to return the text that fast while he takes hours.  I responded “but you had plenty of time for her”.  Obviously he’s been keeping in touch with HER and making plans with HER but can’t be bothered to give me basic respect because of her presence.  He said “No, I didn’t.  I do care about you, but I’m not doing this tonight”, again abandoning me and I haven’t heard from him since (a day and a half later). Now when I’ve had sex with someone he ALWAYS wants to talk afterwards and needs extra reassurance and sometimes I find it annoying but I’ve NEVER begrudged him that, ever.

I finally texted him back, told him” I’m not doing anything to you, I expressed feeling vulnerable and needing reassurance and comfort.  Instead you got pissy and left me hanging while you fucked someone else, thanks.“  It all went downhill from there.  He didn’t respond and I got increasingly upset and told him off pretty much for good.  I don’t think I can forgive someone who ignored me when I needed his emotional support and left me feeling abandoned when he knew that was how I already felt.

Abandonment is a terrifying feeling for me.  He already knows that I feel that way and I made myself vulnerable in trying to say “I feel vulnerable” directly and give him a chance to respond and be kind.  Instead he did the complete opposite and used abandonment in an even worse way to hurt me.  I feel horrible and like everything he ever did for me was fake.  I am so glad I never told him I was falling in love with him because clearly he doesn’t feel the way I thought he did. 

Yesterday I was so angry.  I think if I’d seen that woman I would have wanted to cause her serious harm.  I know logically that it isn’t her fault but yeah, it’s not always hard to understand how jealousy can drive people to commit crimes.  It’s a good thing I’ve never had to meet her.

  As for him, I kinda wish I’d never met him too. I’ve spent the morning today, off and on, in tears.  I know I’ll get over it and be able to move on eventually and it does help that there are other men in the picture. I don’t know if at this point I could make up with him though.  I know I cannot have an open thing with someone who isn’t willing to do his part in helping make it easier on the both of us.  I feel like I’ve been treated like shit.  Again, it’s over her.  For some reason he could give me what I needed when it came to someone else, but not her.  I don’t understand at all. 

 

 

Sometimes sharing sucks!

sharing

Sharing someone you have feelings for is scary. It’s HARD knowing that person you care so much about is naked in bed with another person, maybe right now. It’s one thing to SAY you are theoretically “okay” with it and quite another to follow through with the experience of waiting while you know the person you’ve got it bad for is fucking another person and you have no idea or control over what is going on. Your imagination can run at full speed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for this.

I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about having a polyamorous orientation and acting as though some people just ARE and some aren’t. I’m really not so sure. If that’s the case, I don’t think I would qualify. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with different people, I do, but because when I develop feelings for someone my very natural inclination is to be exclusive with them, especially emotionally.

In order for me to swing or have sex with someone else when I’m deep in the throes of emotions with someone is honestly kind of difficult. So why do I do it?

For me, right now, (and this is always subject to change) I push myself to continue with other men because I can see the consequences ahead if I DON’T. I guess you can say I’m taking a logical approach to it all, even though this isn’t a brand of logic everyone would understand! I may appear to an outsider to be jumping on every cock I can because I’m out of control insanely horny and while there is some truth to the being horny part (lol) it’s a lot more calculated than it appears.

I look at it like this. I am falling in love with the Professor. I see it, I feel it, I know it’s coming, though I’m not at the point where I flat out tell him that yet, and I suspect he feels the same way about me. I know though, that “in love” is a temporary feeling. I know it doesn’t last forever, really for much of anyone. I’m not arguing that you can’t love a person forever. I’ll love my kids and my siblings forever, but that “in love” romantic feeling is fleeting.

I adore the Professor. I like him more and more all the time and feel increasingly affectionate towards him. Right now a big part of me wants him ALL TO MYSELF. Especially, when I’m lying there in bed with him or sharing incredible one on one sex. I also just really like him as a person. He’s wonderful. He listens to me and is supportive and sweet and kindhearted. Like anyone else, he’s not perfect but I can respect him and love spending time with him. He treats me well, probably better than any guy ever has in my life and I love that. Did I mention he’s GREAT in bed??

However, there are a couple of things here. We STARTED this relationship as swingers. Well, we met on a swinger site and the second night we spent together was fucking a bunch of other people. When I met him I already had a few guys in my life that I’m not totally willing to let go. I’m not currently “in love” with any of them but there are reasons I might not want to completely shut them out, especially the married man and the guy I had the affair with.

Some of those reasons are a bit shallow. The married man? How could I ever say no to sex like that? I just CAN’T. If you’ve ever had just totally incredible, mind blowing sex with someone maybe you’ll understand. Even though it’s been quite a while since he and I have gotten together, I don’t know if I’m EVER willing to completely shut that out as a possibility. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I love so much about the sex with the Professor that in some ways it is even better.

Emotionally it is INCREDIBLE, and he gives me tons of orgasms as well, but my experiences with the married guy were so out of this world amazing that the temptation to engage in that again would be SO STRONG. Honestly I don’t know how I could ever stop having sex with the Professor either but at least this way if one of them drops out of my life forever I still have the other.

The guy I had the affair with, well, that goes a bit deeper. We really don’t even talk much now but just knowing he is THERE and knowing if I ever need him he probably still will be, means a lot. I hope and think he feels the same way. We even missed out on seeing each other recently and we could have when I was in town and that was okay, but I’m not ready to write him off. There are things he understands and gets about me that very few people do, due to our shared experiences and friends and family, where we grew up, our relationships with all these people and the times he has been in my life.

Recently when I was home visiting and my mom asked me for money, only to turn around and use it to buy cigars so she could make blunts to share with my siblings, getting high while I was downstairs watching all the kids. Well, not a lot of people would know how I felt at that moment but he would. I texted the Professor and his response was “that’s crazy!!” Maybe it is, but not in my world. It’s typical behavior from my mom and the affair guy knows and understands because he deals with the same sort of thing with his dad and siblings too and is in a similar position to me in that regard. I appreciate being able to talk to the Professor as well, but it’s nice to be understood sometimes and that aspect of my friendship with Mr. Affair is inexplicable. He was there and helped me realize that my marriage was emotionally abusive and that I needed to get out, he knew me when I was a teenager and he knows and gets where I’m coming from because he’s been there too.

My fuck buddy or my FWB I could give up if I needed to, but I don’t have to. The nice part about being “poly” is that you can keep the people in your life that you want and don’t have to shut them out just because of someone new. I’m sure the Professor feels the same way about this married woman in his life. I’d personally like her to be gone, but because of the nature of our relationship I don’t push him to get rid of her.

Then there is the fact that a big part of our relationship is BASED on doing things like going to swinger parties together and the possibility of meeting with others for sex. I can’t deny that I enjoy the excitement of it all! I look forward to new adventures and at least it’s not boring! I also love being able to be real with one another about our sexual activities and not having to hide the fact that we are sleeping with anyone else. I love that I can have sex with another guy and he will still want me. It’s a new dimension of feeling accepted.

Not to say that any of that is easy, for either one of us, because it isn’t. Recently when I slept with my fuck buddy the Professor had a hard time, even though he had been with another woman at a party not too long before that. For a while afterwards he feels upset and sometimes angry with me, though he knows and admits it isn’t logical and that they are just feelings. He said it really bothered him when I said I missed him soon after having had sex with someone else and he doesn’t like to hear that on the same day. The truth is I really DID miss him but I do see how it could be upsetting even if hearing that would mostly be REASSURING to ME were the roles reversed.

Sex with another man, believe it or not, sometimes has that effect on me. It actually makes me want to reconnect and be with the Professor MORE because he is my favorite and the only person I am currently emotionally attached to. Even during our first swinger party, when we were sleeping with a bunch of others, the highlight of the event, for me, was getting to be back in his arms, with him inside me, as the grand finale! Already, we seemed to have that emotional bond.

All that said though, we both have been struggling with the sharing thing. As I said, it’s HARD when you are so into someone. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild or to be affected by hurt feelings and fear of loss. While it’s easy to say I don’t want to be monogamous, the actual practice of sharing your favorite lover is a real challenge sometimes.

Like recently the Professor was travelling to the city near where the married woman lives for a tournament game. He had plans to meet with her and it was really stressing me out. I tried to keep it to myself and push it out of my mind as much as possible but it was still affecting me.

They were gonna see each other on Saturday night and Thursday I was coming over to his house to be together. I tried and tried not to think about it but I feel like the sex was affected. Even though HE was doing everything right as usual, I had a much harder time orgasming with him. I WANTED to, especially because there is that impetus to outdo the competition, but I was struggling. It’s like I couldn’t completely let go and be as vulnerable with him as I usually am. I needed to put up a wall to protect myself from the possibility of hurt when he was with her. :/

Now don’t get me wrong, I still came a handful of times, but I also “missed” several orgasms. It was like I’d build up to that point and just couldn’t let myself open up all the way with him. We didn’t even make as much eye contact as usual and I think a lot of it was me and fear of what was to come. I don’t know how much of it was apparent to him but he did comment afterwards that I wasn’t quite as loud as “usual”. :/ We still had a great time and connected and laying with him afterwards, his arms wrapped protectively around me, was comforting, but still that lingering fear.

So when he headed out of town and I had decided to go up and visit my family (actually not too far from where he was) that weekend as well, I think both of us were a bit worried. He asked me several times about my plans to meet up with other men and both the married man and the guy I had the affair with live up that way so were possibilities.

At first the married woman had planned to spend the night with him in the hotel and I was so on edge it was driving me nuts. Sex was one thing, but sleeping in his arms afterwards is another. It was a painful reminder that they have been emotionally and not just sexually involved and also that I don’t get to stay overnight with him that often due to my ex not taking the kids usually for more than a few hours at a time.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept trying to take my mind off of it, focusing on my trip and other things but it wasn’t easy at all. It was because of this that I even considered seeing the other guys because I would actually be pretty busy between visiting family and taking care of my children. I wanted to have something to look forward to and to ease my mind off what HE was doing. Flirting and talking to them and discussing the possibility helped a little bit.

Thankfully though, at the last moment the married woman’s husband decided to pull the plug on their rendezvous. She had told the Professor that he was “acting funny” about it and I guess he changed his mind. Funny thing is last time he didn’t want them to play either. I have to wonder what is going on there. Part of me thinks if she REALLY wanted to she could either convince him or find a way to do it any way so it makes me wonder. Women do sometimes use their husbands as a “reason” for something they don’t want to do. Why she wouldn’t want to sleep with him though, is beyond me, so maybe it really is him. Maybe he doesn’t like the emotional things he sees going on with them either. She hasn’t come down to see HIM in months and they used to meet once a month, before I came on the scene and for a few months after.

Part of me felt bad for him for missing out on that opportunity, but at the same time I was relieved. I really didn’t want them to be together. To me she is the main threat to our relationship. I’d really kind of prefer she drop out of the picture all together but I’m not in a position to demand that since we are open and even if I was there is no guarantee. People are gonna do what they are gonna do, even if it means cheating, for a lot of folks. Might as well be up front and at least KNOW what the hell is going on instead of trying to cover things up.

So knowing that and due to my already full schedule I decided to opt out of spending time with either the married man or the affair guy. Not to mention because of time constraints either of those opportunities would have been short and maybe had to happen in the car, lol. I admit I am curious what the married guy could do during car sex though!! Haha I have a feeling he’d still make it pretty darn hot. When I mentioned the car thing to the Professor he was like “what, he’s too cheap to get a hotel?”

Yeah, he doesn’t like the other guys. :p The married guy, I think he could get a hotel but I know it’s more risky when you are married and you have to be careful not to let that stuff show up on statements where your spouse could see it. He’s told me before he has a separate account in another city that his wife doesn’t know about but he has to access it on a weekday and I hadn’t told him I was coming until the last minute. In any case, we didn’t meet. He called me on Sunday and I was too busy to answer the phone and didn’t call back because he’d said to make sure not to call or text unless he did first.

Oh and there is this little tidbit that has been freaking me out about Mr. Married guy lately. He is obsessed with the idea of getting me pregnant!! Now, he claims he would give me all kinds of money and let me live in his extra house and take care of everything, but he also asked me if I would be willing to give up the Professor for him, and all other guys. :/ I just don’t want to do THAT even as tempting as some of it sounds and trusting him to do what he says he will is a tad dubious at this point anyway. When I asked about his wife in all of this he said she wouldn’t ever have to find out. Yeaaaaah, I can’t see ANYTHING possibly going wrong there now, can you? :p

On that topic he told me recently that he came inside me the first time we had sex! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I am sure I would have been freaking out if I’d thought that was even remotely possible, so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what? He didn’t wear a condom, so it was pretty reckless in that regard but coming inside of me? Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw where he came but could he have cum another time and I didn’t know??

As far as the condom is concerned, I had told him beforehand that I was assuming he’d wear one but it was dark enough in the room that I couldn’t tell for sure at first if he was or not! He’d been going down on me and making me cum a lot beforehand and when he first slid in I was thinking OMG, is he going bareback? Usually I hate the feel of condoms but sometimes they aren’t as noticeable, still it was feeling awfully good!! Well halfway through or so when I went down on him I could tell for sure. Too late now and the sex was so incredible I didn’t even comment. Dangerous, yes, but I was SURE he pulled out.

Yeah, he’s really pushing the envelope. He keeps saying how he wanted to get me pregnant. What is it with men?? My fwb LOVES to joke about that too and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s “joking” or seriously joking, if you know what I mean. HE always wears a condom but loves to freak me out by doing things like dipping it in a time or two before putting it on to see my reaction. Men…. I thought they were the ones supposed to be so paranoid about pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

The guy I had the affair with, well, I have my suspicions about his current relationship status even though he claims to be single. Then again, he’s got the money so maybe he is just too cheap, at least for a short get together. He’s had me over to his house but it’s only during the day, on a weekday. Hmmmmm…. Ah well…

So anyway, I chose not to see them. Part of me was feeling a little bad for the Prof and not wanting him to hurt while I was off playing and his chance was ruined. I told you all I like him. :/ I think we both slept better that night knowing things were “safe” and we didn’t have to worry. I haven’t had a chance to see him yet since then (and am also on my period) but it will be interesting to see if the orgasming issue just disappears. I have a feeling it will.

Ken and Barbie go to a party….

gijoe

This weekend the Professor and I went to another swinger party. It was held in a strip club that had been privately reserved, had much better music and a full service bar. These particular parties are known by local swingers as the “Ken and Barbie” parties. You have to pass the attractiveness test by sending the hosts a photo and they are more expensive than the others. A lot of people come in from out of town. I was surprised that so many were from so far away. We’ve decided it must be due to the anonymity factor of being out of their hometowns.

Anyhow, we attended the Valentines party and the atmosphere was great. Strip poles everywhere, halfway open booths where people were later getting busy, a sex swing room with mirrors, black light with little colored lights bouncing around, pulsating music, XXX movies playing in the background and lots of great looking people aged 25-50 or so. The huge (pardon my pun) difference was that there were hardly ANY overweight folks at all, a stark contrast to some of the other parties we’ve been to.

Maybe it was the black lights that made them stand out so much but there did seem to be a preponderance of bleach blonde women with long, Barbie like hair, lol. Some of them were wearing lingerie, some in casual date wear and others were dressed to the nines in little black dresses and diamond necklaces. One tall brunette was in a tutu. Others were topless or even naked and dancing around the stripper poles when we came in. Me, I was wearing a red, velvety, sleeveless, backless top with a ruffle that wrapped around the neck and down the front of the shirt on both sides, skintight black leggings, knee- high, black, leather, boots, big fake diamond earrings and a chunky gold bracelet. My hair was down, long and flowing. Underneath was a strapless black bra and red and black lace panties with a little fake diamond heart on the side. The Professor was dressed similarly to most of the men there, in nice dress slacks and a button down (yeah they have it easy, lol). One guy was wearing this sleeveless Chip’ n Dale style tuxedo top, but I’m pretty sure he was the only one, haha.

Compared to the other parties we’ve been to, this was definitely the hip spot to be and it was right here in town. Single men aren’t allowed so the Professor had never been with this particular group either, though he knew a few people there. The first couple we ran into was a woman he’d had sex with previously. She was actually really nice and they emailed later inviting us to meet with them together. I’m unsure, because, while her husband was nice enough, I’m not sure he’s really a person I’d want to sleep with.

Sometimes I think for me to swing I really would have to drop my standards quite a bit just for the experience. Even at the very first party where we had sex with a couple other couples I can’t say I was super into the men, they just were “okay” and not UN-attractive or gross or anything. I’ve told the Professor I’m okay with that sometimes but he’s said I don’t have to do anything I don’t really want to and he won’t push.

In any case we ran into a couple that we had met before at a previous party (one I didn’t write about). At that party, the Professor had been into the woman but I just couldn’t go there with the man. He was not attractive to me at all and when I danced with him he spent the whole time talking about his wife and how beautiful he thought she was and how hard it was for him to share her. All I could think was “poor guy” and wasn’t really attracted. After all, he wasn’t doing anything to indicate a real interest in ME other than telling me how great it was to get to dance with another woman. I wasn’t all that excited about hearing him ramble on about HER, even if it was sweet that he felt that way about his wife.

They were new at swinging at the time and that was about 4 months ago. Well, lo and behold they had found another “perfect” couple to swap with and were clearly deep in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy, for those who aren’t aware of the term- basically it is the infatuation people tend to feel at the beginning that eventually fades off). In fact, I almost didn’t recognize the man because he was with a pretty new blonde and by the way they were acting you’d think THEY were the husband and wife, same with his wife and the other man. Cute. He looked different too, like more attractive (though still not my type). I guess you could say they were “glowing”. His wife and her new beau were the same way. Previously I hadn’t been able to get why the Professor found her appealing at all but now it made a little more sense.

According to them they’d spent the night before swapping in their own home while their six children were sleeping. Yikes.. They said they had to get up and switch early in the morning so no kids would find them in the wrong bed. A little too close for comfort for me I guess. I’ve never even brought a man over for sex when my children were in the home other than when my daughter was under two years old and fast asleep.
Anyhow the Professor really seemed to like the new blonde as well. I can’t say I blame him, she was pretty and fun. She also made sure to mention to me when he wasn’t within earshot that they were not looking to play with anyone other than each other that night and were just hanging out to socialize. So I knew, even if the Professor didn’t, that wasn’t a real possibility.

Also, out of his earshot, the guy says to me that he really thinks the Professor and I should have a couples profile on the swinger website since we are there so often together. He was telling me this as though it was my responsibility to do so, which I found a bit annoying. I mean, for me to insist on that would make me look like I am pushing a type of relationship that the Professor may not even want, upon him. Ugh. I mean, I don’t even know what to do about Valentine’s Day tomorrow at this point. We are not a “couple” technically, though he is the main guy I see. I’m totally waiting it out. I feel like any displays of “relationship” behavior need to start with him.

Eventually during the night I did end up making out with her, at the Professors encouragement. He was behind me and touching and fingering the both of us as we kissed and touched each other. It was fun until, out of the blue, she pinched my nipple really hard. Ouch!! WTF? I laughed it off but yeah, I didn’t like that at all. I have really sensitive nipples and am not into anything rough with them. I think she thought it was fun or sexy but totally not my thing!

Probably the most interesting couple we ran into that night though was a woman who is only a couple of years younger than me but has known the Professor since she was in the 8th grade. He didn’t coach her team because she played another sport but she has known him half her life as a coach and also attended the college he works at now. I’m sure running into him at her first swinger party was interesting to say the least! I asked her, when the guys stepped away to go to the bar, if she was in shock and she was like “OMG!!! YES!!! HAHAHA!!!”

She and I hit it off pretty well and she kept saying to him “Oh MY GOD, I just love her!!! She looks so innocent!!” (Yeah, yeah) I was like “don’t worry, I’m NOT, haha”. When he stepped away she told me he’s really a great guy. That’s not the first time a woman that has known him in some capacity outside of sex has said that to me about him either. Awwww….

So anyhow the Professor was obviously pretty excited about this all. You could tell he would REALLY like to hook up with her. He was suggesting to me that I should make out with her and at one point we did. Also, her husband was HOT. He had an accent and looked like he might be Russian or something. Green eyes, light brown hair, chiseled model like features and he obviously worked out! Still he was a little more quiet than she was so didn’t get to know him as much.

The only other guy that stood out to me at the party was the DJ, who was the only other black man there besides the Professor and he was pretty dang cute but I never got a chance to talk to him. Not long after we got there the Professor had pulled me aside to mention he’d seen that guy and that I had his “permission” to flirt but he never let me out of his sight or near the guy so it didn’t happen, lol.

Anyhow, back to this girl the Professor already knew. Yeah, he was really interested in her and to be honest, even though I liked and enjoyed being with her too I was a little bit intimidated. She was super cute and very athletic, but tiny. She was barely 5 feet tall though she had on 6 inch heels so that made her seem taller, had big blue eyes, with tiny little features and dark brown hair. She’d obviously never had children.

This woman is a personal trainer as one of her side jobs and has a stripper pole in her living room. She knew all kinds of tricks and was up there on the pole doing acrobatic, hanging upside down shit that I’d never even attempt to try, at least at this point, lol. Actually, I’d never even seen anyone work a stripper pole before in my life. I’d never been in a strip club and have only seen little tidbits, on like, the Jerry Springer show, ha! I rarely even watch tv, let alone stuff like that.

Anyhow, she was trying to get me to come up and dance on the pole with her and I was all oh Hell no, but what can I say, I finally let myself be convinced. She was whispering to me not to worry about it the guys were all hammered anyway and wouldn’t know the difference. SO, in my somewhat vodka and cranberry- induced state I agreed and she promised to help me out so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself, lol. True to her word she was talking quietly to me through her teeth the entire time giving instructions and I think I did okay. 😉 We managed to stay in sync anyway. There was a crowd of people watching and we were right in front of the DJ- damn, I would have liked to have talked to him too! Ah well…

Afterwards she was like “see, you’re a natural!” and I don’t know about all that, but I did have fun. We were playing around and acting sexual with each other and eventually kissed and made out, which of course the Professor loved. He was there holding me then too. At one point she slapped me really hard on the ass though. What the hell is it with these aggressive women? Haha Damn….

So he starts telling her that I am really submissive in bed, which is true and she says she is more of a domme. Whatever, we all have our own preferences but I admit it left me wondering, because he seemed so interested in her, if that isn’t something he would like better.

Actually, I was starting to compare myself in a LOT of ways, which was really hard not to do and not to feel insecure about things he may like better about her than me. It makes me wonder if I’d be able to handle the swapping after all, if we got down to it, because I’d also worry since they’ve known each other a long time that he would fall in love with her or vice versa. I’m trying to get past that though. I know it’s not good to compare myself it’s just hard sometimes. Help! 😦

He exchanged numbers with her husband and I was worried that maybe he was gonna try to hook up with them on his own sometime but he’s since said stuff that lets me know he would at least want to include me. I guess that doesn’t mean he always would but it’s a start. He commented that the guy was decent looking and it’s true that that is rarely the case!

We didn’t hook up with anyone that night other than each other, but there are a couple possibilities for the future. We also went home to his place and had really hot sex with each other, after watching some other couples at the club. So all in all it wasn’t a bad experience at all and we had a good time and met some fun people. Looking forward to more adventures soon! 😉

kenandbarbie

Unchartered territory…

otherwoman

Sometimes I feel so lost with this open relationship stuff. It’s like there’s nowhere to turn when I have questions and doubts about how to handle things that just don’t come up in a traditional monogamous framework. Even a lot of the articles and materials directed at swingers are assuming that a person is coming into The Lifestyle with a serious “primary” relationship.

In my case, the Professor is sort of my primary relationship but he also has someone else, someone that was there first. Only she is married, so it’s not like they are each other’s primary relationship either. This is where the bulk of our issues reside and I find the relationship he has with this other woman the most difficult to handle.

Technically I guess we are “polyamorous,” or at least he is, because he says he has feelings for the both of us. Me, I tend towards emotional monogamy, so this is difficult for me to really understand. I’d much rather he just have feelings for ME, even if he is going to sleep with other women. Sharing someone I’ve fallen for emotionally is not easy!

When we first started out I thought of us both as single but having fun. I didn’t realize he was so entrenched in something already and that epiphany left me with a rather sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now, he will admit she is in love with him but says he is not in love with her. However, he is not saying he is “in love” with me either only admitting that he has feelings, which is pretty unspecific.

To be fair I don’t know that I am “in love” at this point either. I think I’ve retained a certain amount of guardedness due to the presence of this other woman. It’s like deep down I WANT very much to let go but because of her I am too afraid. Only, I suck at regulating and covering up my true feelings and I keep allowing myself to get more and more vulnerable, then reality hits and I snap those walls right back up again.

I think the hardest part, for me, is not KNOWING for sure how he compares and rates us in his mind. He is saying that we are equal to him but I find that hard to believe and accept. It’s like my competitive instinct goes into OVERDRIVE and I MUST be #1, at ALL COSTS, or nothing. Grrrrr…. I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s “secondary” dammit, and if that’s the case you’ve insulted my worth as a woman and I want OUT.

So my inner demons and jealousy are making me want to look for PROOF of who he’s REALLY more emotionally invested in. I’m looking for any evidence that he’s lying and she’s really his favorite and using me as the sidepiece. I KNOW it’s irrational and probably unfair, but that’s what’s bubbling under the surface.

Now, he hasn’t actually slept with her, to my knowledge, and if he is telling the truth, for over 3 months. For that matter he supposedly hasn’t with anyone but me. However, I HAVE slept with other guys, mainly my fuck buddy, but also once around Thanksgiving with the guy I had an affair with (but now haven’t talked to in quite a while). I’ve even gone on a date or two. So how come I’m even threatened by this??

I think it’s just the IDEA that they have a “love” type thing going on. It doesn’t help that I saw a note she had written to him lying on his dresser recently and stacks of cards calling him “baby” and saying how she misses him. It doesn’t help that he once texted her “goodnight” right as we were in the middle of a break during sex. It doesn’t help that when she comes down she stays for days at a time and they go out on dates together and she sleeps in his bed at night and has a key to his place. 😦 I don’t get that kind of stuff very often at all, even though a lot of it is because of my schedule and children, it still hurts.

To add insult to injury, the first weekend he ever had her down after we met he completely DISAPPEARED on me for like 3 full days. I didn’t even get a single text. I felt so abandoned and I thought it meant he was done with me forever. Turns out later that he claimed she was soooo upset over some guy standing her up that she cried and cried and needed his attention the entire time. At least that was his excuse and at the time it really pissed me off and made me feel like SHE was trying to sabotage his relationship with me and he was allowing it to happen. Who cries for days over getting stood up by someone they’ve never even met?

I’m still not entirely sure that she’s not doing things to try and cause problems for us but of course he thinks she’s innocent. Men are so blind sometimes. Leaving notes all over his house on brightly colored cards seems kind of obvious to me.

Also, on my birthday he had offered to take me out and go bowling but she decided to come down the weekend before, which made it impossible due to our weekday schedules. THAT really pissed me off. He still took my kids and I out for ice cream and dropped a bottle of wine and a cake off at my door on the actual day of but it just wasn’t the same.

Apparently she comes down whenever the hell she wants. He says her husband only lets her at certain times so he takes what he can get, but whatever. She also once decided to stay an extra day, which happened to be a day I had offered to make him dinner and he was supposed to be coming over to my place and completely forgot. He told me she was staying but apparently forgot we had previous plans. Nice. Not sure if he really forgot or if she had known and deliberately stepped over that or what. When she is not around the Professor is very attentive and thoughtful and doesn’t forget things like that so it rubs me all kinds of wrong ways.

When I have a moment of clarity and am being fair towards her or putting myself in her shoes I can understand that she would feel threatened by ME. I came along AFTER they were already in an emotional relationship and I’m nearly 20 years younger than her, live close by and don’t have a husband telling me when I can and cannot meet. He also takes me with him to swinger parties and has spent more time with me overall lately. Still, I don’t have a lot of reason to care about HER. Mostly, I feel like I want to tear her hair out… but I’m above that…I hope. :p

So last weekend the Professor happened to have a tournament he was coaching in another city, which is right near where she lives. He neglected to tell me this until Friday morning when I asked what he was doing that day. He said “I’m at work” and I’m thinking well, duh, and said “no, I mean tonight”. He then mentions that he has a tournament that weekend and finally that he was leaving early that night and planning to see her when he got up there.

First off, I was kind of pissed that I had to seemingly drag that information out of him, especially in light of his recent lie to me about having attended a swinger party when he said he wasn’t going to. He also kept pussyfooting around the questions of whether he was planning to see and sleep with her. He claimed that it all depended on her husband and he wasn’t sure yet what would happen.

So I was fuming a bit but went ahead and made plans with my fuck buddy. He had stated before that I can come down and see him whenever I want so for the first time I decided to drive the hour and a half to his place to spend some time with him. That all went swimmingly and we had fun and good sex and talked quite a bit more than usual since I was there for 3 hours. I told the Professor what I was going to do.

However the Professor and I kind of got into it. He seemed to be avoiding telling me whether he was going to spend the night with her or even admitting that there was likelihood they would have sex. I told him I felt like I needed some reassurance from him. We hadn’t seen each other since the blowout after me discovering his lie about the past swinger party and though we had made up somewhat we really hadn’t had a chance to talk it out. I was feeling insecure and uneasy about our relationship already and on edge about him going to see her. I made a comment about how he probably wouldn’t bother texting me all weekend and he said stop it, he would make a point of keeping in contact with me.

So he finally says he talked to them and that she and her husband were going to have dinner with him. I was kind of snappy and said something like “you never go out to dinner with ME”. He said that wasn’t fair because he has taken me out before but I usually can’t take enough time and that he hasn’t seen her in three months and she is his friend too! Left me with a bad feeling because he was going on about her being his friend again and I was still without the reassurance that I had asked him for.

So I just said I was going to go see my friend and that I guess there was no need to contact him after that. I said it because he was on his way to dinner with her and I wasn’t going to notify him again that I was leaving for my fuck buddy’s house while he was busy. I MEANT that night but also kind of deliberately left it ambiguous as to whether or not I meant EVER because I wanted to see what he would do.

Still, he didn’t contact me for TWENTY FOUR HOURS after that. And then it was when I finally sent him a text. I was pissed because he broke his promise and I assumed it was because he was either still with her or so happy to have seen her that he couldn’t be bothered with me at all. I didn’t know if she had stayed the night with him (I didn’t sleep over with my fuck buddy) or if he was taking her with him all day to his games or what. Of course he has never taken ME to anything like that so I was speculating all kinds of things and not feeling good about it at all. My imagination can sometimes get the best of me. Of course he said the reason he didn’t text was because I said there would be no need to contact me again…and he didn’t know if I meant ever, and admittedly I left it open like that on purpose because I was upset.

He said they didn’t even have sex. They went to dinner and because he had a slight cough left over from having been sick the week before I guess they didn’t feel comfortable being “intimate” with him. They didn’t want to get sick. He says it was the husband’s decision. He’s told me before that she and her husband don’t communicate well and she is in love with him and doesn’t want to sleep with anyone but him and her husband wants her to be with other guys. The whole situation is kind of fucked up and I know how those “secret” feelings for another person can be and how bored married ladies who aren’t getting the attention they want will be seeking it out so she is probably EXTRA in love with him. UGH. I so just want her GONE.

Meanwhile the Professor can’t get why I am still upset because THEY didn’t have sex, and I DID!!! LOL On some level I can see how he feels that way but again it is the emotional thing with me! He gets upset every time I have sex with another guy and it takes him awhile to get over it, though logically he is okay with it. It gets to him on an emotional level so I think he should understand MY feelings as well.

My fuck buddy I have NO emotional attachment to. We fuck and that’s it! He is in no way a threat to the Professor and I have no problem telling the Professor I like HIM more and HE is number one to me! He knows that!! I want to be special like that to him too! :/

Barring that, I at least want to know SOME ways in which I am special to him. I’m not really getting that and I feel like I’ve asked for it in several different ways. I just need to know MY unique place in his life. We did get into a really long emotional discussion (drama, drama, fun, fun) where he said the following.

1. I spend more time with YOU!! That should tell you something!! (But, spending more time with her would be kind of difficult since she lives far away and her husband won’t “let” her- I don’t know if that is simply a way to bide his time since they can’t have each other or what).

2. Neither one of you is more special to me, you both have different qualities and different things I like about you, else I why would I be with TWO people? (Okay, I do get that, see my post on Comparing Lovers– but I still want to know WHAT it is that is different- curiousity? Or just a need to feel special in some way I guess).

3. I shouldn’t have to reassure you about anything. Just the fact that I do things with you and spend my time with you and spend time TALKING to you and buy things for you and your kids should be enough reassurance. I don’t express my feelings like that. (Gah! Men!! I hate this about them!!!! Why is giving reassurance hard? It’s like the easiest thing in the world to me and I give him boatloads if I even think he is hinting at needing a little and he seems to appreciate that!! I’m more than happy to TELL him I think he’s the bees knees! Yes, he does do these things for me and it means a lot and I love it but that doesn’t mean when I am faced with a scary situation where he is off with another woman I don’t need a RE-assurance of that. Tell me again, and again, and again!! Please!! :/ Yeah, I guess I’m being needy. )

4. More logical crap about how he takes her out more because she has that available time and how he would do the same for me if my ex- husband wasn’t always pestering me to come back and get the kids after 2 hours of being away. Plus, he takes me to the swingers parties AND he HAS taken me out a couple of times before. (Okay, he has a point here but also if he was offering to take me out more I’m sure I could manage to get a little more time. I do have time constraints but it makes it hard to tell if he would really do that stuff or not).

5. Do you think I would spend all this time TALKING to you if I didn’t like you A LOT?? Don’t you know men hate this stuff and I have better things to do with my time? (Well, yes, this is very true and also why it’s a damn good test of how a guy feels about you to throw a huge fit and see how he reacts. I hate that I do this but it has the end result of proving his emotional investment in me…, not that I think it out on a calculated level like that but yes I can see the reasons why afterwards).

So anyway, we are all back to normal and happy now. After a lot of testing him on my part. I have to admit that NOW I can see it for what it was but at the time I was a mess of emotion and unable to think clearly and just ACTING on feminine whims. I am so such a girl…and also was at the start of and on my period, when I tend to sink into insecurity and hit my low point of the month. The rest of the time I feel like I’m fairly easygoing and happy. It doesn’t probably help that it seems like every time he has gotten together with this woman has been right around my period. He’s asking for it!!

Despite recognizing what is going on I still feel like I could benefit from more advice and examples of how people get on in everyday polyamorous relationships. Reading the blogs can offer tidbits here and there but it never seems like enough. Where do I go for ideas on how to cope with “the other woman” when it isn’t an affair situation and he is ALLOWED to do this? I’ve read The Ethical Slut and that had some ideas but it was also just skimming the surface of all the possibilities out there. Does anyone else deal with this stuff? How do you do it?

Backfired!

craigslist-ad

So the Professor is out of town tonight (coaching) and I’ve been playing around a bit on Craigslist seeing what I can drum up. This time it’s not a secret and he knows what I’ve been up to. He’s not thrilled, obviously, but he is accepting it. I mean, I haven’t seen HIM for a couple of weeks, at least not for sex, and well, I’m horny, lol.

He has come by here a couple of times. Once to surprise my kids and I with hot donuts for breakfast (he left them on the porch, not that I really should be eating them but it was a sweet gesture and they were good) and another time he bought new shoes for two of my kids who he knew needed some. So I know the man cares about me. He wouldn’t be doing random stuff like that otherwise and I love it! Still, the most I’ve gotten physically from him in a bit is a hug.

He’s been saying he didn’t feel well due to meds that he is still on for a prostate infection (thankfully it’s not cancer but not completely healed). So I guess he hasn’t wanted to have sex as much, but it is hard for me not to take stuff like that personally. I’m pretty sensitive after being married to someone for so long that didn’t want to sleep with me. He also had some kind of a cold or something going on and said he didn’t want to get me sick.

So I have slept with my fuck buddy once right before Christmas but that’s really been it and I’m climbing the walls over here, haha. On top of that, the Professor is in the city where that married woman he sees happens to live. He says they weren’t going to see each other though, because she was going to be out of town herself that weekend so it didn’t work out.

Anyhow, not knowing for sure what he was gonna be up to I felt more motivated to put out an ad. Hey, it’s quick and easy, anonymous and always gets a good response. I’ve only actually slept with I think 4 guys off of Craigslist but that’s where I found the married man and my fuck buddy, so 50/50 it has turned out to be a good deal and the other two guys weren’t bad at all they just didn’t last for different reasons.

One guy was significantly younger than me (22) and I just felt awkward about the age difference and couldn’t get past it and the other was this Latino guy that was really cool as a person and not bad in bed but I couldn’t get past the fact that he was OBSESSED with the fact he could still get milk out of my breasts. I mean it wasn’t just a passing fancy for him, it was driving him WILD and ooking me out more than a little bit. Otherwise he was a great guy but I let that drop at a one night stand too even though he contacted me several times after. The young guy is a waiter at a restaurant here in town and I have seen him since and he and I were texting and he looked all handsome and everything when I saw him but I just couldn’t go there. I’m clearly not cougar material.

I’ve figured out that any time a woman posts an ad in the casual encounters section looking for men in my city it gets flagged and taken down almost immediately. No matter WHAT it says. I find that really odd because men post really flagrant stuff on there and no one messes with their ads, but whatever. Any time I put up an ad it is taken down in about 30 minutes to an hour or so. Still, in that time frame I get about 30 responses, usually. At any given time you can look at the W4M section in the casual encounters here and it is either completely empty or close to it and that is why. I’ve seen other women’s ads suffer the same fate.

So I put up my ad and was honest to the Professor about it. I got the typical number of responses, most of whom didn’t fit the description I asked for but a few did. Then my ad was flagged as usual.

Meanwhile I texted and talked to two guys on the phone and have a couple that I have shared some emails with. I’m actually kind of picky about who I respond to because I don’t want to get guys hopes up, but both these guys were nice looking and seemed like they could be my type. One of the guys was at a hotel here in town and we had talked on the phone several times (after exchanging pics) and were supposedly going to meet then he disappeared and didn’t call back when he said he was going to. EYEROLL. That’s okay though. I was feeling a little iffy about him anyway. His pictures were cute but I KNOW I saw one of them before and I was thinking it was a guy who flaked out like that and even said so to him and asked if that was really his pic and he said yes. He claimed that I had told him I couldn’t meet before because I was going to a BBQ. I have no recollection of that but I guess it’s possible. Makes ya wonder though!

The other guy says he wants to meet but can’t tonight. Blah. That doesn’t help me a bit, lol.

The funny thing is that the couple of times I have put out ads I have gotten some of the same guys answering. Like, they make a hobby out of this. My fuck buddy has even answered me a couple of times by accident and I tease him about it, lol. He didn’t answer my ad tonight but I talked to him and he asked “where’s your boy?” referring to the Professor. When I told him he’s out of town he was like damn, you should have come here to be with me tonight then. I didn’t even know that was an option. The good thing about Mr. Fuck Buddy is he is ALWAYS in the mood for sex, lol. He’s as horny as me in that regard and I need to keep that in mind. Problem is he lives an hour and a half away, but he’s got a new job here in town that he will be starting soon, yay! I haven’t asked why he needs a job here when he’s already in the military and has work with that, but who knows.

So while I’m doing all this the Professor was seeming a bit jealous that I was looking. So instead of chilling at his hotel like he originally planned, he decided to go to a swinger party. I told him to have fun and he was like “you don’t really mean that”. I said it’s actually easier seeming when he is far away and not emotionally attached to any of the people. Still, now that I am here NOT doing anything and he possibly IS, it is a lot harder. :/ My plans for an exciting night totally backfired and now HE’S probably the one getting laid by someone else while I’m not. Ugh. He says he won’t stay out too late because he has to get up early in the morning but I guess we will see. He’s supposed to tell me if he does anything tonight.

Earlier, I had asked the Professor if he would feel better about things if I slept with the couple that propositioned me. He said maybe, it depended on how hot they were. I was like ok, is it better if they are hot or not?? And he said if they weren’t too hot it would be better. So I said they were average and he said then go ahead. WTF? In that case he said have fun, just not too much fun. LOL Actually the guy WAS kinda cute but she was more average. Anyway, they got back to me but it was later tonight so maybe someday, but not today.

What got me is he made a comment about how he’s “been good for a long time”. Good? What is that supposed to mean? Is not having sex “good”?? LOL Is he saying that I am holding him back from having sex with other people? That he feels he is doing it to “be good” to me? I’m not sure I want that because that’s the sort of thing that makes a person build up resentment towards the other person. Like, I am restricting his freedom, instead of him choosing to do it on his own. I don’t know. I was actually trying to encourage him to go ahead and go out tonight because I know it’s LESS difficult for me than some other circumstances could be. I’m hoping he will feel like he has gotten his and not be as upset when I sleep with my fuck buddy too.

Yeah, I still don’t really like it, but I’ll live, right? :p