Tag Archive | insecurity

Feeling this today….

I found this blog post off a link from Twitter. Wow… Hits a little too close to home. Emotionally unavailable men, story of my life….

A Letter to Emotionally Unavailable Men

Oh and How to Know He Loves You: Stress Him Out

This one seems to be something I do intuitively. I stressed him out and he bailed. So, now I know. It was all a farce. Painful to find out the truth but probably better now than later.

Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

Ken and Barbie go to a party….

gijoe

This weekend the Professor and I went to another swinger party. It was held in a strip club that had been privately reserved, had much better music and a full service bar. These particular parties are known by local swingers as the “Ken and Barbie” parties. You have to pass the attractiveness test by sending the hosts a photo and they are more expensive than the others. A lot of people come in from out of town. I was surprised that so many were from so far away. We’ve decided it must be due to the anonymity factor of being out of their hometowns.

Anyhow, we attended the Valentines party and the atmosphere was great. Strip poles everywhere, halfway open booths where people were later getting busy, a sex swing room with mirrors, black light with little colored lights bouncing around, pulsating music, XXX movies playing in the background and lots of great looking people aged 25-50 or so. The huge (pardon my pun) difference was that there were hardly ANY overweight folks at all, a stark contrast to some of the other parties we’ve been to.

Maybe it was the black lights that made them stand out so much but there did seem to be a preponderance of bleach blonde women with long, Barbie like hair, lol. Some of them were wearing lingerie, some in casual date wear and others were dressed to the nines in little black dresses and diamond necklaces. One tall brunette was in a tutu. Others were topless or even naked and dancing around the stripper poles when we came in. Me, I was wearing a red, velvety, sleeveless, backless top with a ruffle that wrapped around the neck and down the front of the shirt on both sides, skintight black leggings, knee- high, black, leather, boots, big fake diamond earrings and a chunky gold bracelet. My hair was down, long and flowing. Underneath was a strapless black bra and red and black lace panties with a little fake diamond heart on the side. The Professor was dressed similarly to most of the men there, in nice dress slacks and a button down (yeah they have it easy, lol). One guy was wearing this sleeveless Chip’ n Dale style tuxedo top, but I’m pretty sure he was the only one, haha.

Compared to the other parties we’ve been to, this was definitely the hip spot to be and it was right here in town. Single men aren’t allowed so the Professor had never been with this particular group either, though he knew a few people there. The first couple we ran into was a woman he’d had sex with previously. She was actually really nice and they emailed later inviting us to meet with them together. I’m unsure, because, while her husband was nice enough, I’m not sure he’s really a person I’d want to sleep with.

Sometimes I think for me to swing I really would have to drop my standards quite a bit just for the experience. Even at the very first party where we had sex with a couple other couples I can’t say I was super into the men, they just were “okay” and not UN-attractive or gross or anything. I’ve told the Professor I’m okay with that sometimes but he’s said I don’t have to do anything I don’t really want to and he won’t push.

In any case we ran into a couple that we had met before at a previous party (one I didn’t write about). At that party, the Professor had been into the woman but I just couldn’t go there with the man. He was not attractive to me at all and when I danced with him he spent the whole time talking about his wife and how beautiful he thought she was and how hard it was for him to share her. All I could think was “poor guy” and wasn’t really attracted. After all, he wasn’t doing anything to indicate a real interest in ME other than telling me how great it was to get to dance with another woman. I wasn’t all that excited about hearing him ramble on about HER, even if it was sweet that he felt that way about his wife.

They were new at swinging at the time and that was about 4 months ago. Well, lo and behold they had found another “perfect” couple to swap with and were clearly deep in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy, for those who aren’t aware of the term- basically it is the infatuation people tend to feel at the beginning that eventually fades off). In fact, I almost didn’t recognize the man because he was with a pretty new blonde and by the way they were acting you’d think THEY were the husband and wife, same with his wife and the other man. Cute. He looked different too, like more attractive (though still not my type). I guess you could say they were “glowing”. His wife and her new beau were the same way. Previously I hadn’t been able to get why the Professor found her appealing at all but now it made a little more sense.

According to them they’d spent the night before swapping in their own home while their six children were sleeping. Yikes.. They said they had to get up and switch early in the morning so no kids would find them in the wrong bed. A little too close for comfort for me I guess. I’ve never even brought a man over for sex when my children were in the home other than when my daughter was under two years old and fast asleep.
Anyhow the Professor really seemed to like the new blonde as well. I can’t say I blame him, she was pretty and fun. She also made sure to mention to me when he wasn’t within earshot that they were not looking to play with anyone other than each other that night and were just hanging out to socialize. So I knew, even if the Professor didn’t, that wasn’t a real possibility.

Also, out of his earshot, the guy says to me that he really thinks the Professor and I should have a couples profile on the swinger website since we are there so often together. He was telling me this as though it was my responsibility to do so, which I found a bit annoying. I mean, for me to insist on that would make me look like I am pushing a type of relationship that the Professor may not even want, upon him. Ugh. I mean, I don’t even know what to do about Valentine’s Day tomorrow at this point. We are not a “couple” technically, though he is the main guy I see. I’m totally waiting it out. I feel like any displays of “relationship” behavior need to start with him.

Eventually during the night I did end up making out with her, at the Professors encouragement. He was behind me and touching and fingering the both of us as we kissed and touched each other. It was fun until, out of the blue, she pinched my nipple really hard. Ouch!! WTF? I laughed it off but yeah, I didn’t like that at all. I have really sensitive nipples and am not into anything rough with them. I think she thought it was fun or sexy but totally not my thing!

Probably the most interesting couple we ran into that night though was a woman who is only a couple of years younger than me but has known the Professor since she was in the 8th grade. He didn’t coach her team because she played another sport but she has known him half her life as a coach and also attended the college he works at now. I’m sure running into him at her first swinger party was interesting to say the least! I asked her, when the guys stepped away to go to the bar, if she was in shock and she was like “OMG!!! YES!!! HAHAHA!!!”

She and I hit it off pretty well and she kept saying to him “Oh MY GOD, I just love her!!! She looks so innocent!!” (Yeah, yeah) I was like “don’t worry, I’m NOT, haha”. When he stepped away she told me he’s really a great guy. That’s not the first time a woman that has known him in some capacity outside of sex has said that to me about him either. Awwww….

So anyhow the Professor was obviously pretty excited about this all. You could tell he would REALLY like to hook up with her. He was suggesting to me that I should make out with her and at one point we did. Also, her husband was HOT. He had an accent and looked like he might be Russian or something. Green eyes, light brown hair, chiseled model like features and he obviously worked out! Still he was a little more quiet than she was so didn’t get to know him as much.

The only other guy that stood out to me at the party was the DJ, who was the only other black man there besides the Professor and he was pretty dang cute but I never got a chance to talk to him. Not long after we got there the Professor had pulled me aside to mention he’d seen that guy and that I had his “permission” to flirt but he never let me out of his sight or near the guy so it didn’t happen, lol.

Anyhow, back to this girl the Professor already knew. Yeah, he was really interested in her and to be honest, even though I liked and enjoyed being with her too I was a little bit intimidated. She was super cute and very athletic, but tiny. She was barely 5 feet tall though she had on 6 inch heels so that made her seem taller, had big blue eyes, with tiny little features and dark brown hair. She’d obviously never had children.

This woman is a personal trainer as one of her side jobs and has a stripper pole in her living room. She knew all kinds of tricks and was up there on the pole doing acrobatic, hanging upside down shit that I’d never even attempt to try, at least at this point, lol. Actually, I’d never even seen anyone work a stripper pole before in my life. I’d never been in a strip club and have only seen little tidbits, on like, the Jerry Springer show, ha! I rarely even watch tv, let alone stuff like that.

Anyhow, she was trying to get me to come up and dance on the pole with her and I was all oh Hell no, but what can I say, I finally let myself be convinced. She was whispering to me not to worry about it the guys were all hammered anyway and wouldn’t know the difference. SO, in my somewhat vodka and cranberry- induced state I agreed and she promised to help me out so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself, lol. True to her word she was talking quietly to me through her teeth the entire time giving instructions and I think I did okay. 😉 We managed to stay in sync anyway. There was a crowd of people watching and we were right in front of the DJ- damn, I would have liked to have talked to him too! Ah well…

Afterwards she was like “see, you’re a natural!” and I don’t know about all that, but I did have fun. We were playing around and acting sexual with each other and eventually kissed and made out, which of course the Professor loved. He was there holding me then too. At one point she slapped me really hard on the ass though. What the hell is it with these aggressive women? Haha Damn….

So he starts telling her that I am really submissive in bed, which is true and she says she is more of a domme. Whatever, we all have our own preferences but I admit it left me wondering, because he seemed so interested in her, if that isn’t something he would like better.

Actually, I was starting to compare myself in a LOT of ways, which was really hard not to do and not to feel insecure about things he may like better about her than me. It makes me wonder if I’d be able to handle the swapping after all, if we got down to it, because I’d also worry since they’ve known each other a long time that he would fall in love with her or vice versa. I’m trying to get past that though. I know it’s not good to compare myself it’s just hard sometimes. Help! 😦

He exchanged numbers with her husband and I was worried that maybe he was gonna try to hook up with them on his own sometime but he’s since said stuff that lets me know he would at least want to include me. I guess that doesn’t mean he always would but it’s a start. He commented that the guy was decent looking and it’s true that that is rarely the case!

We didn’t hook up with anyone that night other than each other, but there are a couple possibilities for the future. We also went home to his place and had really hot sex with each other, after watching some other couples at the club. So all in all it wasn’t a bad experience at all and we had a good time and met some fun people. Looking forward to more adventures soon! 😉

kenandbarbie

Unchartered territory…

otherwoman

Sometimes I feel so lost with this open relationship stuff. It’s like there’s nowhere to turn when I have questions and doubts about how to handle things that just don’t come up in a traditional monogamous framework. Even a lot of the articles and materials directed at swingers are assuming that a person is coming into The Lifestyle with a serious “primary” relationship.

In my case, the Professor is sort of my primary relationship but he also has someone else, someone that was there first. Only she is married, so it’s not like they are each other’s primary relationship either. This is where the bulk of our issues reside and I find the relationship he has with this other woman the most difficult to handle.

Technically I guess we are “polyamorous,” or at least he is, because he says he has feelings for the both of us. Me, I tend towards emotional monogamy, so this is difficult for me to really understand. I’d much rather he just have feelings for ME, even if he is going to sleep with other women. Sharing someone I’ve fallen for emotionally is not easy!

When we first started out I thought of us both as single but having fun. I didn’t realize he was so entrenched in something already and that epiphany left me with a rather sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now, he will admit she is in love with him but says he is not in love with her. However, he is not saying he is “in love” with me either only admitting that he has feelings, which is pretty unspecific.

To be fair I don’t know that I am “in love” at this point either. I think I’ve retained a certain amount of guardedness due to the presence of this other woman. It’s like deep down I WANT very much to let go but because of her I am too afraid. Only, I suck at regulating and covering up my true feelings and I keep allowing myself to get more and more vulnerable, then reality hits and I snap those walls right back up again.

I think the hardest part, for me, is not KNOWING for sure how he compares and rates us in his mind. He is saying that we are equal to him but I find that hard to believe and accept. It’s like my competitive instinct goes into OVERDRIVE and I MUST be #1, at ALL COSTS, or nothing. Grrrrr…. I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s “secondary” dammit, and if that’s the case you’ve insulted my worth as a woman and I want OUT.

So my inner demons and jealousy are making me want to look for PROOF of who he’s REALLY more emotionally invested in. I’m looking for any evidence that he’s lying and she’s really his favorite and using me as the sidepiece. I KNOW it’s irrational and probably unfair, but that’s what’s bubbling under the surface.

Now, he hasn’t actually slept with her, to my knowledge, and if he is telling the truth, for over 3 months. For that matter he supposedly hasn’t with anyone but me. However, I HAVE slept with other guys, mainly my fuck buddy, but also once around Thanksgiving with the guy I had an affair with (but now haven’t talked to in quite a while). I’ve even gone on a date or two. So how come I’m even threatened by this??

I think it’s just the IDEA that they have a “love” type thing going on. It doesn’t help that I saw a note she had written to him lying on his dresser recently and stacks of cards calling him “baby” and saying how she misses him. It doesn’t help that he once texted her “goodnight” right as we were in the middle of a break during sex. It doesn’t help that when she comes down she stays for days at a time and they go out on dates together and she sleeps in his bed at night and has a key to his place. 😦 I don’t get that kind of stuff very often at all, even though a lot of it is because of my schedule and children, it still hurts.

To add insult to injury, the first weekend he ever had her down after we met he completely DISAPPEARED on me for like 3 full days. I didn’t even get a single text. I felt so abandoned and I thought it meant he was done with me forever. Turns out later that he claimed she was soooo upset over some guy standing her up that she cried and cried and needed his attention the entire time. At least that was his excuse and at the time it really pissed me off and made me feel like SHE was trying to sabotage his relationship with me and he was allowing it to happen. Who cries for days over getting stood up by someone they’ve never even met?

I’m still not entirely sure that she’s not doing things to try and cause problems for us but of course he thinks she’s innocent. Men are so blind sometimes. Leaving notes all over his house on brightly colored cards seems kind of obvious to me.

Also, on my birthday he had offered to take me out and go bowling but she decided to come down the weekend before, which made it impossible due to our weekday schedules. THAT really pissed me off. He still took my kids and I out for ice cream and dropped a bottle of wine and a cake off at my door on the actual day of but it just wasn’t the same.

Apparently she comes down whenever the hell she wants. He says her husband only lets her at certain times so he takes what he can get, but whatever. She also once decided to stay an extra day, which happened to be a day I had offered to make him dinner and he was supposed to be coming over to my place and completely forgot. He told me she was staying but apparently forgot we had previous plans. Nice. Not sure if he really forgot or if she had known and deliberately stepped over that or what. When she is not around the Professor is very attentive and thoughtful and doesn’t forget things like that so it rubs me all kinds of wrong ways.

When I have a moment of clarity and am being fair towards her or putting myself in her shoes I can understand that she would feel threatened by ME. I came along AFTER they were already in an emotional relationship and I’m nearly 20 years younger than her, live close by and don’t have a husband telling me when I can and cannot meet. He also takes me with him to swinger parties and has spent more time with me overall lately. Still, I don’t have a lot of reason to care about HER. Mostly, I feel like I want to tear her hair out… but I’m above that…I hope. :p

So last weekend the Professor happened to have a tournament he was coaching in another city, which is right near where she lives. He neglected to tell me this until Friday morning when I asked what he was doing that day. He said “I’m at work” and I’m thinking well, duh, and said “no, I mean tonight”. He then mentions that he has a tournament that weekend and finally that he was leaving early that night and planning to see her when he got up there.

First off, I was kind of pissed that I had to seemingly drag that information out of him, especially in light of his recent lie to me about having attended a swinger party when he said he wasn’t going to. He also kept pussyfooting around the questions of whether he was planning to see and sleep with her. He claimed that it all depended on her husband and he wasn’t sure yet what would happen.

So I was fuming a bit but went ahead and made plans with my fuck buddy. He had stated before that I can come down and see him whenever I want so for the first time I decided to drive the hour and a half to his place to spend some time with him. That all went swimmingly and we had fun and good sex and talked quite a bit more than usual since I was there for 3 hours. I told the Professor what I was going to do.

However the Professor and I kind of got into it. He seemed to be avoiding telling me whether he was going to spend the night with her or even admitting that there was likelihood they would have sex. I told him I felt like I needed some reassurance from him. We hadn’t seen each other since the blowout after me discovering his lie about the past swinger party and though we had made up somewhat we really hadn’t had a chance to talk it out. I was feeling insecure and uneasy about our relationship already and on edge about him going to see her. I made a comment about how he probably wouldn’t bother texting me all weekend and he said stop it, he would make a point of keeping in contact with me.

So he finally says he talked to them and that she and her husband were going to have dinner with him. I was kind of snappy and said something like “you never go out to dinner with ME”. He said that wasn’t fair because he has taken me out before but I usually can’t take enough time and that he hasn’t seen her in three months and she is his friend too! Left me with a bad feeling because he was going on about her being his friend again and I was still without the reassurance that I had asked him for.

So I just said I was going to go see my friend and that I guess there was no need to contact him after that. I said it because he was on his way to dinner with her and I wasn’t going to notify him again that I was leaving for my fuck buddy’s house while he was busy. I MEANT that night but also kind of deliberately left it ambiguous as to whether or not I meant EVER because I wanted to see what he would do.

Still, he didn’t contact me for TWENTY FOUR HOURS after that. And then it was when I finally sent him a text. I was pissed because he broke his promise and I assumed it was because he was either still with her or so happy to have seen her that he couldn’t be bothered with me at all. I didn’t know if she had stayed the night with him (I didn’t sleep over with my fuck buddy) or if he was taking her with him all day to his games or what. Of course he has never taken ME to anything like that so I was speculating all kinds of things and not feeling good about it at all. My imagination can sometimes get the best of me. Of course he said the reason he didn’t text was because I said there would be no need to contact me again…and he didn’t know if I meant ever, and admittedly I left it open like that on purpose because I was upset.

He said they didn’t even have sex. They went to dinner and because he had a slight cough left over from having been sick the week before I guess they didn’t feel comfortable being “intimate” with him. They didn’t want to get sick. He says it was the husband’s decision. He’s told me before that she and her husband don’t communicate well and she is in love with him and doesn’t want to sleep with anyone but him and her husband wants her to be with other guys. The whole situation is kind of fucked up and I know how those “secret” feelings for another person can be and how bored married ladies who aren’t getting the attention they want will be seeking it out so she is probably EXTRA in love with him. UGH. I so just want her GONE.

Meanwhile the Professor can’t get why I am still upset because THEY didn’t have sex, and I DID!!! LOL On some level I can see how he feels that way but again it is the emotional thing with me! He gets upset every time I have sex with another guy and it takes him awhile to get over it, though logically he is okay with it. It gets to him on an emotional level so I think he should understand MY feelings as well.

My fuck buddy I have NO emotional attachment to. We fuck and that’s it! He is in no way a threat to the Professor and I have no problem telling the Professor I like HIM more and HE is number one to me! He knows that!! I want to be special like that to him too! :/

Barring that, I at least want to know SOME ways in which I am special to him. I’m not really getting that and I feel like I’ve asked for it in several different ways. I just need to know MY unique place in his life. We did get into a really long emotional discussion (drama, drama, fun, fun) where he said the following.

1. I spend more time with YOU!! That should tell you something!! (But, spending more time with her would be kind of difficult since she lives far away and her husband won’t “let” her- I don’t know if that is simply a way to bide his time since they can’t have each other or what).

2. Neither one of you is more special to me, you both have different qualities and different things I like about you, else I why would I be with TWO people? (Okay, I do get that, see my post on Comparing Lovers– but I still want to know WHAT it is that is different- curiousity? Or just a need to feel special in some way I guess).

3. I shouldn’t have to reassure you about anything. Just the fact that I do things with you and spend my time with you and spend time TALKING to you and buy things for you and your kids should be enough reassurance. I don’t express my feelings like that. (Gah! Men!! I hate this about them!!!! Why is giving reassurance hard? It’s like the easiest thing in the world to me and I give him boatloads if I even think he is hinting at needing a little and he seems to appreciate that!! I’m more than happy to TELL him I think he’s the bees knees! Yes, he does do these things for me and it means a lot and I love it but that doesn’t mean when I am faced with a scary situation where he is off with another woman I don’t need a RE-assurance of that. Tell me again, and again, and again!! Please!! :/ Yeah, I guess I’m being needy. )

4. More logical crap about how he takes her out more because she has that available time and how he would do the same for me if my ex- husband wasn’t always pestering me to come back and get the kids after 2 hours of being away. Plus, he takes me to the swingers parties AND he HAS taken me out a couple of times before. (Okay, he has a point here but also if he was offering to take me out more I’m sure I could manage to get a little more time. I do have time constraints but it makes it hard to tell if he would really do that stuff or not).

5. Do you think I would spend all this time TALKING to you if I didn’t like you A LOT?? Don’t you know men hate this stuff and I have better things to do with my time? (Well, yes, this is very true and also why it’s a damn good test of how a guy feels about you to throw a huge fit and see how he reacts. I hate that I do this but it has the end result of proving his emotional investment in me…, not that I think it out on a calculated level like that but yes I can see the reasons why afterwards).

So anyway, we are all back to normal and happy now. After a lot of testing him on my part. I have to admit that NOW I can see it for what it was but at the time I was a mess of emotion and unable to think clearly and just ACTING on feminine whims. I am so such a girl…and also was at the start of and on my period, when I tend to sink into insecurity and hit my low point of the month. The rest of the time I feel like I’m fairly easygoing and happy. It doesn’t probably help that it seems like every time he has gotten together with this woman has been right around my period. He’s asking for it!!

Despite recognizing what is going on I still feel like I could benefit from more advice and examples of how people get on in everyday polyamorous relationships. Reading the blogs can offer tidbits here and there but it never seems like enough. Where do I go for ideas on how to cope with “the other woman” when it isn’t an affair situation and he is ALLOWED to do this? I’ve read The Ethical Slut and that had some ideas but it was also just skimming the surface of all the possibilities out there. Does anyone else deal with this stuff? How do you do it?

The Power of a Penis

A man who is good in bed has so much power it’s scary. Alexyss Tylor is not kidding when she says “dick will make you wanna slap somebody”, LMAO! No, I’ve never slapped a guy during sex but yeah, never underestimate the power of good dick. It can and does make women act crazy sometimes.

Now men are frequently saying how much power pussy has on them so I guess it can work both ways, but I really think a man who knows what he is doing in bed is at much more of an advantage point than a woman could ever hope to be. For one, men are (usually) the dominant force in the bedroom and the woman becomes completely vulnerable and is at the mercy of whatever he wants to do to her. At least that is the power dynamic I am speaking of. I realize there are dominant women out there but I am definitely not one of them and am very naturally submissive in bed and love a dominant man, so that is the position I understand these things from. I’m not even talking from a BDSM perspective because I don’t have much experience with that, but I’d imagine the feelings in that case would be AMPLIFIED.

I’ve been thinking about these things after sex last night with the Professor. He is SO FREAKING GOOD in bed that it scares me. Just seeing the complete change in myself, my feelings and emotions and demeanor after sleeping with him makes me afraid because I know I am giving up control.

It’s not that he is a bad person to give that to. I think actually, that he is a really good man. Every time I’ve worried that he has been dishonest I’ve been proved to be WRONG. He’s been honest to a fault and I know it’s me and my trust issues that are more of a problem than anything with him. Of course he’s human and has his own issues but as far as being trustworthy, I think he is. I’m just not very experienced in the realm of trusting anyone for anything, really. It’s something I really have to work at learning to do but at the same time I’m wondering if I should do that or if it’s even wise to let down your guard that way because the truth usually is that people end up getting hurt when they do.

Also, there is the issue of him being emotionally involved with another woman. I don’t know to what extent but I know she is in love with HIM and he claims not to compare or pick favorites. That, to me, is a reason to try and hold back because I’m afraid of being all in love with someone that I know is seeing someone else and all the feelings that brings and what I have to deal with emotionally when he is with her. I don’t have the security of him just being into ME so I don’t really want to hand over my whole heart.

Let’s be real. I’m at the point where almost any sexual interaction of him with another female is going to stress me out. I can logically handle it but not so much emotionally. I don’t think it would be quite so much a problem in a swinging situation where we are all in the same room but separately or where I know or think there is an emotional connection, yeah, that is just plain hard.

I’m sure a lot of people are wondering why the Hell I would continue to agree to an open relationship then. The truth is though that I feel better KNOWING that it is open and knowing he will let me know, than WONDERING if he is out doing things behind my back, which is so often the case in a regular, monogamous relationship. I feel better when I can get honesty and reassurance afterwards than when I have to deal with suspicion and denial.

I LIKE HIM enough to have a monogamous relationship. If I were having sex with him a little more often I think I could go for a long, long time without seeing anyone else, if he were too. Still, I have enough foresight to know that those feelings wouldn’t last forever and that eventually one or both of us would get bored and want to feel excitement with another person. I also enjoy the thrill of trying new things and people so swinging occasionally is fun. It’s more fun though if I know I’m his absolute favorite person and that is what I want to be because at this point, he is mine. Right now there is still uncertainty in the other direction.

So anyway, back to last night. We have been emailing for a while with this Latino couple that we may hook up with sometime. Actually, they had been in contact with HIM for a long time but he said she never showed any real interest in him and they never met up. According to him, it’s only when he brought ME into the equation that they had more motivation to want to get together.

She is one of these “hotwives” that sleeps with lots of well –endowed, black men. I’ve seen pictures of her doing so. The professor fits the bill in that he is, in fact, a well- endowed, black, man, lol but I think there are things about him that maybe don’t fit the fantasy for some women in that regard. He’s more like the male version of a nerdy librarian (that is freaking sexy with his clothes off) than the stereotype of this big, buff, powerful black man that is going to come and do whatever to her. He IS very dominant in the bedroom but he’s also very much a “nice guy”. He’s not really intimidating and I think that is part of the fantasy for some people. I don’t know because I don’t totally “get” that fetish and think it objectifies black men too much and it creeps me out a bit in that regard (even though I am white and have slept with plenty of black guys, I just don’t look at it the same way I guess. Hell, I could write a whole nother blog post about how I feel about that, maybe someday).

The male half of the Latino couple says his wife has gotten hers but he hasn’t gotten his. So after the Professor told them about me they wanted to meet with me ALONE for a FMF threesome. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that just yet. I know the Professor wouldn’t have appreciated it, since he’s the one that mentioned bringing me along for the fun and he thanked me for not wanting to exclude him. I don’t know if they have swapped with other COUPLES but the Professor thinks they have.

Anyhow, we talked about meeting up for drinks last night but I was the only one who would have to leave early, due to needing to pick up my kids. They couldn’t meet until after 8:00 and I had to leave by 8:30 so it wasn’t gonna work out. The Professor said that he still wanted to see me alone and that is what he had just assumed we would do and that sounded great. Then the Latino husband sends me this email saying his WIFE wants to know if I am going to meet up with the Professor alone. I said yes and he sends back a sad face.

I wondered what that was about and why she wanted to know. Was she going to try and meet up with him anyway if I wasn’t? Then it started to just rub me the wrong way and I was feeling confused. The husband had told me before that she still wanted to meet up with him separately, but that was before they tried to meet with ME alone and I said no.

So THEN the Professor texts me and “jokes” that maybe they can just come WATCH us have sex instead. I was like WTF? How are they gonna have time to watch if they don’t have time to get together for drinks? It started to really upset me and I figured he must be plotting to have them come over right before I leave (since they couldn’t come till after 8 and I had to leave at 8:30 and he had been told that) so that he could sleep with her after I left. Yeah, it was some insecurity and paranoia on my part.

Long story short, I got upset and gave him some drama about it. At first he was like I don’t even know what you are talking about and then he just started ignoring me and wouldn’t respond so I got MORE upset. Looking back I can see I was being irrational but at the time not so much because I was all in my feelings. He only responded to me to tell me he was too “pissed off” to meet up with me and that was not what I wanted to hear and just made it worse because I thought he might be saying that just so he could meet up with her and have an excuse to blow me off.

So, it wasn’t an extreme amount of drama really, considering, but I did send a handful of angry, emotional, insecure sounding, texts. He later said he ignored me because he knew arguing with me or explaining anything at that point was not going to help, and of course he is probably right. He says he was pissed at my lack of trust for him because he thinks he has shown me that he is good and a trustworthy person and again he is right. Trusting a man is a real challenge for me, even when I logically know it’s probably okay. He said he wasn’t going to put up with that and I said then maybe I am not a good person for you to be involved with, but he said that’s not what he meant.

We ended up having that conversation on the phone, both of us calmed down and I came over to his house. He gave me some of his Chinese food he had gone out to get and I was able to stay out later than expected so we sat and talked for a while, then had some really hot sex, which is what prompted me to write this blog.

THE SEX. OH MY GOD. He is wayyyyy too good in bed!! The emotional affect it has on me is incredible too. He’s very loving in the bedroom and very affectionate but also very dominant and in control of everything and knows exactly how to tease and push all my buttons and make me feel like I have no choice but to give him complete control. It turns me on, MASSIVELY, but when I’m back in my head I’m scared by the power of it all.

The fear comes from the knowledge that someone can have that huge of an effect on me and controlling my emotional state and making me vulnerable in that way. In bed I have NO CHOICE but to trust him because he is bigger and stronger and putting me in vulnerable positions and pinning me down and making me cum for him over and over and over again. I’m so far deep into a sex trance it’s like I’m hypnotized. At that point I would do ANYTHING he wanted.

I kept looking up at his face and the way he was smiling, the look in his eyes, you can tell he really gets off on knowing what he is doing to me. He does all sorts of things with his cock and like Alexyss mentions in one of her videos, he puts it ALL THE WAY in and holds it there for a bit until he can see I am uncomfortable and he just really knows what the hell he is doing. Yeah, it’s scary, LMAO. 😉

After sex he is perfect too. He’s very, very, affectionate and holds me and cuddles and kisses and makes me feel very happy and satisfied…and loved, whether he feels that or not. I am at that point, completely docile and affectionate and submissive to him. I just love laying there and stroking his chest and face and kissing him and listening to him talk with my head on his shoulder, all safe and warm and fuzzy. I’m still, halfway through the next day, on a high from that experience, and all lovey- dovey feeling. I love it!!! But at the same time…..gotta watch out for that PENIS POWER! LMAO 😉

Yeah, so I’m a drama queen, now what?

Ugggghh…. I sooo hate relationship drama!! Don’t we all though? Still it has a way of moving its way in once “feelings” start developing for another person. At least it seems to for me and I know I’m not the only one.

Funny thing is that there are men in my life who think I’m the most drama free woman alive. Yet others seem to think of me as a class A drama queen, all the way at the top of the list. Sigh….

I feel like I can be really good at not causing drama so long as I keep my emotional distance from someone. Once I start to feel vulnerable however, all bets are off. For the majority of my marriage we NEVER even fought and it was because I had shut myself off from him on an emotional level. We did however, argue BEFORE we got married (yeah, we had it kinda backwards). There was some arguing during the divorce, when we were still stuck living together and tension was high and neither of us wanted to be there anymore, but, for the most part, no. Of course there were some passive aggressive undercurrents going on but outwardly we were stable. We really don’t argue now at all either, after the fact. We just don’t talk, except about things we absolutely have to regarding the kids.

The most pertinent relationships with guys in my life, I hate to say it, but they have been more filled with drama than any of the ones that were not important to me. That’s bad. I know it’s bad. I don’t want it to be that way. It’s something I am bound and determined to work on within myself, it’s just…slow progress.

Some people say that when you fall in love with someone you start to associate them with your parents and childhood growing up. For me that’s a really bad thing because I had a pretty traumatic life as a child. My mom is a drug addict. My dad was absent most of my life. I had multiple abusive stepfathers, some of whom also abused my mother. I witnessed and experienced things no child should ever have to. Somehow though, I’ve managed to pull through life pretty well despite it all, in general.

I went to a couple of psychologists as a teenager and they just couldn’t get over how “well adjusted” I seemed and “normal” despite my difficult background. They didn’t feel I really needed treatment. I seemed extraordinarily able to cope. So of course I played along with their image of me and let them believe everything was okay, putting on a front of being capable and emotionally stable, which is easy for me to do. It’s easy UNTIL I get in a place where I can’t hide behind the walls I’ve erected to protect myself.

So I’m fine. I’m fine until I get in a relationship with someone and start to open up and let down my guard. It’s then that I become paranoid, fearful and insecure, panic, and then start to push people away. Someone getting close enough to actually be able to hurt me is a scary experience. It’s a loss of control that I really struggle to be able to handle.

It takes a really stable, strong, steady type of man to be able to deal with me when I’m a whirlwind of emotion and there don’t seem to be many who make the cut. Thankfully I think the Professor is just that type of guy, but I still feel terrible for putting him through what I have the past couple of days. I know it’s me and not him. He’s been really good to me. Kindhearted, honest, perfect really. I know I upset him a lot though with this last incident and that makes me feel awful.

I think the “poly” situation makes it so much harder because I am in a very unstable position with him. He’s emotionally involved with someone else and I’m starting to really fall in love with him. It terrifies the hell out of me. He says he feels the same way about me and it’s really hard for me to understand how that can even be possible when there is another woman in the picture. The sexual sharing I think I can handle but emotionally? Not so much.

Then he’s saying stuff like he feels the same way but we need to hold back to be able to swing together and stuff. To me it seems like it should be the opposite, you should have someone you are emotionally “safe” with in order to swing and I don’t know that I could ever have that with someone who is emotionally into another woman. I really just don’t like her presence at all. Even though she hasn’t actually seen him in a couple of months, they still talk. She’s still a threat to me. I’m still uncomfortable with it because it’s not JUST sex. He has admitted she is in love with him, though he says that he is not in love with her. It’s confusing to me because I don’t think I would keep someone around for long if that were the case and I had someone in my life I DID care for. I guess I’m naturally very EMOTIONALLY monogamous, even though I like some variety in sex so it’s hard for me to comprehend.

Anyway, I’ve been getting some therapy that has nothing to do with him whatsoever, but to help with issues I’ve been having with my oldest child and his behavioral problems. He is already in counseling and this is therapy focused on ME and my feelings but I haven’t discussed any of my romantic or sexual relationships. The therapist thinks I suffer from Post- Traumatic Stress. She made that judgment pretty quickly, based on very little info, so I’m not 100% sure that’s the case, but I can see how it could be true.

In any case what she is doing is using EMDR therapy to help me. You can look it up if you’ve never heard of it but it involves reprogramming your mind to associate positive feelings with past traumatic events in your life. You hold onto these little vibrating thingies that are supposed to stimulate both sides of your brain at once while you imagine calm and peaceful things whilst discussing whatever memories your mind randomly brings to you during conversation with the therapist. It’s been surprisingly helpful and I leave each session feeling calmer and less stressed overall.

Maybe getting this help for myself will help me to reign in some of my drama queen tendencies. The Professor and I had this big long drawn out “discussion” going on and off for about 3 days after the most recent incident with the woman leaving a note out on his dresser, that he says is from months ago (I actually do believe him, he’s never given me any reason to believe he is dishonest and actually is one of the more truthful, straightforward guys I’ve ever met). When I came out of my counseling session with EMDR I felt SO much better and was able to text and resolve things with him to the point that I think we are okay now.

That’s not a guarantee I won’t get upset with him in the future but I really, really want to work on it and he’s probably a great guy to be able to do that with. He’s very calm and steady and I like that a lot and am very attracted to those traits in a man. Some women are looking for excitement but I seem to be the complete opposite and it’s probably due to having such a chaotic childhood. Actually one of the reasons I chose to marry my ex- husband was that he rarely ever raised his voice. Hearing people, and especially men, YELL causes me a lot of anxiety and stress. I didn’t want that in my home at all.

The Professor came here a few weeks ago to help me put together a bed for one of my children. It was a lot of work and took about 3 hours, but he was just so CALM and PATIENT about it, very organized and he NEVER acted frustrated or stressed. It was so opposite of my ex, who though he didn’t yell much would act so awful when trying to do something like that and find a way to blame me for all his frustration. It was like this huge relief dropped off of my shoulders. I think maybe that’s when I really started to fall for him. It made me so happy that he offered to do something like that for me when he didn’t have to and then made it seem so simple and non stressful. Swoon….(lol) Anyway, I’m happy to say that for now anyway, things are back to normal with us. I really hope I can get a grip on how to handle this whole poly relationship thing because I really, deep down, want him EMOTIONALLY to myself. Sexually, I’m not ready to stop sleeping with other people so I don’t expect him to either, but that’s my big stumbling block.

The Evolution of Jealousy

Once upon a time I had hardly any jealousy whatsoever when dating guys. Back in those days, before having sex for the first time, relationships didn’t seem so complicated. I think a lot of females can relate to me there, but I’m not so sure about guys.

I remember my first “real” boyfriend, back in 8th grade, getting jealous. He was your typical, roguish, hotheaded, Italian guy who liked to get into fights. He was tall, muscular and looked way older than his 14 years. He was even sporting a bit of facial hair, which led my mother to think I was lying when I told her we were in the same grade at school. She was sure I was running off with an 18 year old, lol.

He was very much the stereotypical “bad boy”. I swear he totally dressed the part too, wife beaters, leather jacket, the whole 9 yards. His mom was a stripper.

We never had sex, though we tried. We were both still virgins and couldn’t quite get there so the most he ever got out of me was a hand job. Getting to see his cum spurt out for the first time was fascinating to me but that’s as far as we actually went.

Anyway, he was extremely possessive. He loved kissing me publicly in front of people and I was still a bit shy but went along with it. We got in trouble constantly at school for PDA. He’d get mad at other guys for looking my direction and once threw a desk over in class arguing with another boy over me.

I wasn’t even there but I heard about the incident later from friends who were in that class and was eventually called down to the Vice Principal’s office to discuss things as a “couple”. The Vice Principal was so sure that our relationship wasn’t going to last that he promised to personally take us out to a steak dinner if we could manage to date the rest of the year without breaking up. Yeah, he won that one, lol. I got sick with the flu for 3 days and couldn’t make it to school so he “cheated” on me with another girl and started dating her instead.

That being my first “real” breakup, I was pretty upset, and even cried, but it never occurred to me to blame the other girl. Well, it never occurred to me until I went back to school and my girlfriends were talking trash on her. Before that I was pretty sure it was all HIS fault.

I was sad and hurt and hadn’t really concerned myself with WHO the other girl was, but my female friends were on it. They mocked, snubbed, and played all sorts of emotional revenge games on the girl who “stole” my boyfriend. Of course they were trying to protect and “help” me, so I didn’t try to stop them and eventually came to see her as the enemy as well. I’m pretty sure she got branded as a “slut” around school due to that incident.

She and I never became friends but I went on to date (and have sex with) his best friend and HE proceeded to date all my girlfriends, one by one (yeah those same ones, but it didn’t bother me because, well, they were my FRIENDS, you know). It’s funny how behaviors are accepted when they come from people we know versus those we don’t. I’ve learned all too well how it feels to be on the other side of the coin since then, and to have all kinds of haters who know nothing about me, save the possibility that I have had sex with a guy they like. Of course no one demands evidence in cases like that.

Gosh, come to think of it I’ve been the recipient of female jealousy and hating A LOT when it was undeserved. I’ve been accused of things and sleeping with guys I never touched and even been threatened with a baseball bat and had a carful of much bigger, older girls try to jump me. The guy I was with had to step between me and them and physically ward them off.

In any case, women can be extremely jealous at times. Sad to say I eventually got there myself, and to a point I’m almost ashamed to admit. It took me a long time though. Many years of dating, having sex and being cheated on, and of being the person who was the target of all the jealousy and rage passed before I really started to understand how they were feeling.

I’d actually trace back the development of jealousy in my mind to one particular guy. HE was extremely jealous himself, to the point that it was just ridiculous. Any time a guy so much as looked at me, or stood too close, he would threaten them with their life, and people were scared of him because of who he was and his reputation in the community. That’s what I got for dating a guy who was a well known drug dealer in the area. Even the cops feared him.

Anyway, he cheated on me right and left. Any time I would turn my back he would be hitting on another girl, and I mean that literally. If we were out in public and I stepped aside for a minute to use the restroom or to walk across the room for any reason, he would be trying to get someone else’s number. He tried to hit on my close friends, on EVERYONE. It really messed with me emotionally. I couldn’t trust him at ALL. It made me question whether or not I could trust my own friends. He once went over to my best friend at the time’s house and caused she and I to get into an actual fist fight.

You might wonder WHY I stayed with this guy, but every time I tried to break up with him (and that was often) he would passionately fight to keep the relationship. He claimed to be madly in love with me. He’d apologize, he’d lie, he’d give me expensive gold jewelry and beg me to stay, even threatening suicide if I left him.

Then he’d say I COULDN’T break up with him even if I tried, that he wouldn’t LET me. He’d declare to everyone everywhere that I was “his” girl and that no one had better come near me. I once had a guy I didn’t even know, at a party, tell me not to stand too close to him because he didn’t want to die. SMH. It got to the point where he would literally stalk me after I’d attempted to break up with him. He’d even have his friends “looking out” for me and messing things up for me if I tried to talk to other guys at the club when I went out (never mind that I was actually sleeping with some of those friends during our “breakups”, they still put on a front of helping him out). They’d go up to whatever guy I was talking to and tell him I had a boyfriend whilst looking intimidating. Gee thanks guys. :p

Of course I was also emotionally involved at that point and did a few crazy things myself! He once walked out of a house party on me with another girl and I flipped. The guys working the door restrained me from going out after them and wouldn’t let me leave but I found her car in a parking lot later and smashed it up in a drunken rage. Some of the things I did that night aren’t even repeatable, but let me tell you it’s not stuff I am proud of and there were other incidents.

There’s so much more to that volatile relationship and thankfully I’ve never had another like it before or after, but I did really struggle with jealousy afterwards. It became difficult to trust guys for even little things because I’d spent a year and a half on and off with this guy who put me through the emotional wringer.

When I went away to college (and old dude was safely away in prison, finally, on drug charges and terroristic threat of a police officer) I tried to date a completely opposite type of guy. I had some insecurities and paranoia about being cheated on by that point. Even then, one of the first guys I was with and I were sitting watching the movie “Basic Instinct” with Sharon Stone in someone’s parents lake house and I remember him commenting that his old girlfriend had gotten angry with him for watching the sex scene in that movie. I was totally bewildered. Why would she be upset about actors on a screen?

I didn’t find out the answer to that question until I dated my ex-husband. I saw him as this upstanding guy who would “never” think of cheating yet I became that woman I never wanted to be, the Jealous Bitch. I wonder now if my insecurities weren’t amplified by the fact that he really WASN’T that attracted to me but I was sooo paranoid! I was positive, every time he so much as LOOKED at another woman that he was plotting to leave me. Pictures in a magazine became a very real seeming threat to me, due to his self -proclaimed “porn addiction”. Even watching a movie I was concerned about who he was looking at. Now I knew what it was like to be that girlfriend who worried while watching a sensual movie. Every time another woman so much as talked to him or stood too close, I was filled with fear. It was bad. Really bad. Yet, years later I look back on some of those incidents and wonder if my intuition wasn’t telling me something about him that I didn’t want to admit. The man was NOT really into me, it was a front, but he asked me to marry him anyway.

Anyhow, I like to think I am long over it. I have come SUCH a long way and got so much better at not being jealous as my marriage wore on. Some of it though, was due to loss of feeling and a connection. Somehow now, I am managing to take part in an OPEN relationship but I can’t say I never worry. Still if the Professor sits there and tells me he thinks some naked woman on the swinger site is “hot” I am relatively unaffected. Yay!

I kinda wonder about him though, lol. Last night we were watching Criminal Minds and he was surprised that I knew Shemar Moore’s last name. Well yeah, lmao, he’s pretty damn good looking!! Especially, when you compare him to the entire rest of the cast, lol, it’s like DAMN HE IS HOT, haha. He finally admitted that if he had to comment on a guy that he agrees with that one. Mmmm….yeah….as I was saying….

So how about you? How has jealousy or not affected your life? Do you struggle with it? Is your relationship closed or open? I think it’s a very real emotion and something we all have to deal with and face at some point in our life.