Rock bottom

Well, if I was sinking low before, now I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom.  The only way from here is up, right?    Please say yes.

The past couple of days have been an emotional nightmare.  First, the married man got me all excited about a meeting with him and then let me down.  Following that, I discovered, last night, that the Professor has for sure been fucking someone new and they are all excited about each other.

I shouldn’t have looked at his profile.  I’ve resisted the temptation for the better part of the past 5 weeks, but took a peek once or twice before.  Last night, I saw that he’d received a new validation and he happened to be offline so I went to take a look (disabling the feature that would let him see I’d been there).  Sure enough, a woman that says she has known him awhile, just now got to know him “much better” and that he is quite the “lady pleaser”.   She wrote that like a week ago.

I wanted to throw up, or maybe kill myself.  I’m not even joking, but I wouldn’t do it because I love my kids.  You don’t have to worry about Lovergirl offing herself but the feeling was definitely there, the thoughts.  My heart sunk to my knees.  I went to look at her profile and his comments about her and he called her “hot”, which he hadn’t said about me on mine (though he did about the married lady).  All he said about me was that I am not as shy as I appear, which again feels like an underhanded insult.  I’m not really shy but I’m very sensitive to people’s perceptions and his making me feel that way at swinger parties inhibited me from acting like myself.

This woman is married too, and tiny, like under 100 lbs and very short.  So was the married lady.  He would refer to me as “tall” though I’m only 5’6” and now that really feels like an insult, like I’m some kind of a giant.  Not only is she smaller and skinnier but she’s 6 years younger than me, blonde, married and lives nearby.  It’s definitely the nail in the coffin.  I could never get naked in front of him again after seeing all that and his use of exclamation points when referring to her as “hot!!!”  Makes me feel like he must have never been that attracted to me or my body.  I’m wishing now that I’d never given him that video of me masturbating for his birthday or let him videotape us during sex.  I feel so old and ugly and fat.

In any case, at least I know now that there is absolutely no hope of reconciliation.  It’s pretty obvious I never meant shit to him.  It hurts like hell and from now on I need to proceed as though he were dead to me.  Dead.  I almost wish he were.  It might be easier than facing this kind of rejection.

Wanna hear what happened with the married man? He contacted me earlier in the week saying his wife was going to be out of town and he wanted to get together.  Awesome, right?  We are talking about the best sex of my life here!!  He’d mentioned that the week before when I was in town too, saying it would be easier for him then because she’d be gone.

Okay, so I was willing to make accommodations and try to get up that way again, for him.  I worked things out so that I could head up there Friday night.  He had offered to help with gas.  My ex was going to take the kids.  It all seemed great.

Earlier in the day Friday, he texts and asks if I’m up for a threesome.  I asked with who and he didn’t have a picture but described his “friend” as a slim, 21 yr old, dark skinned, girl with a round butt” and said she was into females.  I said okay, thinking, if I am going to have a FMF threesome he’d definitely be the person to do that with.  He’s excellent in the sack and I know no one would leave disappointed.

Well, all seemed well but then he didn’t text for several hours and before I was getting ready to take my kids to their dad’s I texted to make sure we were still on.  He didn’t answer for a long time and I said I need to know for sure before dropping off my kids.  Then he texts and says sorry he was working but did I still need money for gas?

I said yes and he asked if it was okay to do half and I said yes, anything would help, even though he acts normally like he has plenty of money.  He’s the same guy that was offering me $3,000 a month to have his baby.  I’m thinking this is weird, but okay.  I asked if the other girl was still coming and he said no it would just be me and him.  Not a big deal.  Then he wanted to know if I was staying the night and I said I could if he wanted me to.  He was like “give me 10 min and I will call you”.

Then……NOTHING.  I was sitting here waiting to either take my kids or not, because if I took them and he cancelled that would leave me with no time to schedule with anyone new, and no free time other than that all weekend.   If I was going to see him, I’d have to get going pretty soon, since it is a long drive.

I waited about 30 min and then texted and said sorry I don’t mean to be pushy or anything but I need to know soon because of the situation with my kids or it could potentially ruin my entire weekend.  Nothing, no answer.  Thirty minutes later I texted him again “???”  Still nothing.  Finally I was like, “fucked up, wow” and cancelled with my kids dad.

About an hour and a half later I was working out at the gym and get a text from the married man claiming “I am sorry, I left my phone in the car and thought I had it with me”.  Please!!  Give me a fucking break!!  Does he think I’m retarded??  WTF?  I ignored his text and 30 minutes later he sent me another one “I take it I f’ed up”.  Yeah, dude, you fucked up.  I’m not even sure your sexual prowess is going to make up for that one this time.

It’s NOT the first time he’s done something like that either.  It’s like the 3^rd, or maybe 4^th.  The other times I let slide because I figured it had something to do with him being married, plus he’s so freaking good in bed!  But now his wife was out of town and that was just downright disrespectful.

My best guess is that he had a bunch of options for who he was going to sleep with and someone closer or maybe that he liked better followed through so he had no need of meeting me or paying for my gas or any of the extra that would entail since I live farther away.  Still, the very least he could have done was let me know SOONER THAN THAT and not leave me hanging.  Being left hanging makes me so anxious and stressed.  It’s so FUCKING RUDE.  So at this point, yeah, I may even be done with HIM forever.

My vibrator is starting to look like a way better option than sex right now.  Dealing with men’s bullshit is just getting beyond what I can bear.  I feel like becoming a nun.  A nun with a vibrator, lol.  I’m not willing to give THAT up.  At least I can still get off, even if I end up with a houseful of cats.

Anyway, I’m feeling like crap but I didn’t want to mope, so after all that and most especially after reading the stuff about the Prof, I decided what the hell I will throw out a Craigslist ad.  I have looked on the swinger site and actually had three different guys who wanted to meet with me this weekend from there but I had avoided responding because of the married man and plans with him.  So I guess in a way I did something similar to what he did to me, only I didn’t leave them hanging at the last minute, which is important. VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT, sheesh!

SO my Craigslist ad, yielded quite a few results.  I put in there that I wanted a man who knows his way around the bedroom and a woman’s body.  One of my first responders was a super- hot, black Puerto Rican (that’s what he calls himself, he looks kinda mixed) man who just moved here (he is military) from Alaska.  He’s 38 and seems really nice and cool so far and we have a date planned for tonight.  I like that he wants to take me out for a meal first even after my NSA sex ad.  Good deal and a sign that he’s maybe not a total asshole and is a gentleman.  Hoping he’s also good in bed!!  Wish me luck!!

After agreeing to that I have gotten a couple other men that actually interested me who also responded.  Lots of emails of course and my ad was flagged, but it took longer than usual.  Anyhow, one of the guys sounds promising and is trying to convince me to drop my date tonight but I don’t want to disrespect Mr. Hot Puerto Rican so I told him maybe another night.

So maybe this little blitz will yield some new fun results.  I did find my fuck buddy off Craigslist after all and he’s pretty much my saving grace at the moment, the only guy that is keeping me from becoming a total man hater.  He’s cool as a cucumber and the sex is great and he’s never disrespectful or hurtful, even though we aren’t emotionally connected.  Makes it seem like men in general just suck in the feelings/love/relationship department, but what else is new?  😛  Maybe I do too. 😦

Sinking low

I’ve been having a hard time even bringing myself to update my blog lately.  I think the depression stage of getting over a breakup has been hitting me hard.  Not to mention anything that reeks of “depression” TERRIFIES me. 

Realize that I am the daughter of a woman with depression so severe that she has gone to the point of near death by suicide twice, and you might understand why.  I would do virtually ANYTHING to avoid feeling “depressed” and sometimes behave recklessly rather than allow myself to wallow.  It took me less than 3 weeks to contract a freaking STD after the way things ended with the Professor and I’m trying not to be like that, but it vacillates. 

I keep going back and forth between anger and tears.  For a while things were falling apart at home. I couldn’t get things done and my daily routine completely flew out the window.  I’ve gained weight; my sleep schedule has been crazy. I feel like I can’t function.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do. 😦

This past weekend I went home to visit for my brother’s graduation.  My period not only started late and interfered with things but wanted to hang on, causing spotting and me feeling like a bloated balloon all through the time I could have met with the married guy or the one I had the affair with. 

I talked with both of them but we ended up not getting together.  Partly due to my period, and partly due to other factors but I just didn’t have the motivation to make it work.  Instead I hung out with my siblings and family.  Of course, I enjoyed that but for me not to be that excited about sex with these guys is HUGE.  It is so not like me at all to be apathetic about sex and most especially when it’s with someone that is the best of my life or that I’ve been emotionally so into in the past.

I’ve been so despondent.  Things with the Professor hurt me a lot more than I would have thought and I think I liked/loved him a lot more than I even wanted to admit to myself.  I am emotionally just CRUSHED that things turned out the way they did and still so confused as to why.  I feel like all the life has been sucked out of my body.

Somehow I’ve been managing to get through the days, mostly not breaking down until I’m lying in my bed at night.  Then I just sob my heart out.  I’ve been staying up really late, I think to avoid having to face the thoughts in my mind when I’m alone in bed.  Then I get woken up early by the kids and I just look a hot mess.

My sister did my hair yesterday and that has been helping me feel a little better.  I had her brighten it up a bit with warmer tones and I love it.  It’s sort of a coppery brown with golden highlights, which is closer to the natural state of my hair as a kid.  We’d been trying to avoid the natural reddish undertones that my hair tends to pull beforehand but I think it looks much better when I let them shine and brightens up my face and goes better with my green eyes. 

So it has been cheering me up a bit and I came home and got quite a bit done yesterday after unpacking.  Oh, and my grandma gave me some natural supplements that are supposed to help with weight loss.  It’s really just the 15 lbs or so that I keep losing then gaining back but I want to get rid of it for good.  I’ve never tried dieting really or pills but maybe these will help and they are natural so we will see.  I work out several days a week and take my Zumba and pole dancing classes and stuff, but right now it doesn’t seem to be helping. 

My diet has admittedly suffered though these past few weeks.  Then of course, I’ve had bloating from my menstrual cycle.  I dropped off like 5 lbs this morning from yesterday so that is going down and helping me feel a little better too. I do tend to hit a depressed state that time of the month and gain some water weight which makes me feel like crap.

I keep wanting to say I’m on my way to getting over this but I’m really not sure.  There are days when I feel like I am doing better but then nighttime falls and I am a wreck.  Ugh.

I’m still not lacking for men that want to talk to me.  There is a swinger guy I may or may not meet with next weekend and my fuck buddy texted to ask where I’ve been and says he misses me.  The married man says his wife will be out of town soon and the guy I had the affair with was really disappointed that we missed each other.  Then there is that guy I kissed awhile back who gave me the flowers.  He’s been emailing me again.  Oh, and I got a text from the guy with the small dick (I should probably think up a nicer way to refer to him, lol) wanting to see me this weekend too.  Plus there’s this other guy who just got married, but has been talking about flying me out to see him for quite a while.  Lots of prospects, just need to get over this pesky broken heart. :p

The guy I had the affair with has been kind of cracking me up.  His texts are interesting.  He’s gone back to being really possessive lately, even though we haven’t seen each other in like 6 months and rarely talk.  Out of the blue he’s telling me I’m his and he doesn’t want to share.  I just sort of laughed it off and he was like “Lovergirl, I’m serious”.  I’m not sure how to take that.  I used to love his possessive attitude towards me but right now it seems so far removed.  I had said if he wanted it to be his he was going to have to come get it (meaning get your butt down here soon, lol) and he said “I am going to come get it!! And I’d better not find out someone else is getting it or there will be problems”.  What??  Men, I swear they are so weird sometimes.  Why would he act territorial NOW, when we’ve not been an item for a long time?

Anyhow, I’m trying not to think too much about what the Professor has been up to.  Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to me or he would.  It has been over four weeks now since we’ve spoken to one another.  He seems perpetually always signed on to the swinger site but I think it’s always been like that.  He was on my “friends” list there so I’m used to seeing his name as “online”.  I think it must just mean his phone is on or something.  I try to stay away from his profile, his house, anything like that, no matter how tempting it is to look.  Everything about thinking about him makes me feel so disappointed and hurt. 

Who knows?  Maybe he’s spending all his free time with that married woman now or playing with whomever off the swinger site.  I guess I know one thing for sure and that’s that he never really cared that much about me or the friendship in the way he pretended to.  He’s never even bothered to check and see how things are going with all the stressful stuff he knew was happening here at my house with my oldest child. 

This really isn’t doing much to help my trust towards men in general.  I feel betrayed because he ACTED like someone who really liked me but then just turned on me and disappeared when it didn’t fit his agenda.  I don’t understand why, if he just wanted to be FWB, he would do all that stuff for me and get involved in my daily life and act like I meant something to him.  They always say you can judge a man’s feelings more by his actions than his words but in this case I guess I should have been listening to his words and ignoring the actions.  I’d much rather he never have done all that stuff and given me hope if he didn’t mean it.