I’ve been having a hard time even bringing myself to update my blog lately. I think the depression stage of getting over a breakup has been hitting me hard. Not to mention anything that reeks of “depression” TERRIFIES me.
Realize that I am the daughter of a woman with depression so severe that she has gone to the point of near death by suicide twice, and you might understand why. I would do virtually ANYTHING to avoid feeling “depressed” and sometimes behave recklessly rather than allow myself to wallow. It took me less than 3 weeks to contract a freaking STD after the way things ended with the Professor and I’m trying not to be like that, but it vacillates.
I keep going back and forth between anger and tears. For a while things were falling apart at home. I couldn’t get things done and my daily routine completely flew out the window. I’ve gained weight; my sleep schedule has been crazy. I feel like I can’t function. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do. 😦
This past weekend I went home to visit for my brother’s graduation. My period not only started late and interfered with things but wanted to hang on, causing spotting and me feeling like a bloated balloon all through the time I could have met with the married guy or the one I had the affair with.
I talked with both of them but we ended up not getting together. Partly due to my period, and partly due to other factors but I just didn’t have the motivation to make it work. Instead I hung out with my siblings and family. Of course, I enjoyed that but for me not to be that excited about sex with these guys is HUGE. It is so not like me at all to be apathetic about sex and most especially when it’s with someone that is the best of my life or that I’ve been emotionally so into in the past.
I’ve been so despondent. Things with the Professor hurt me a lot more than I would have thought and I think I liked/loved him a lot more than I even wanted to admit to myself. I am emotionally just CRUSHED that things turned out the way they did and still so confused as to why. I feel like all the life has been sucked out of my body.
Somehow I’ve been managing to get through the days, mostly not breaking down until I’m lying in my bed at night. Then I just sob my heart out. I’ve been staying up really late, I think to avoid having to face the thoughts in my mind when I’m alone in bed. Then I get woken up early by the kids and I just look a hot mess.
My sister did my hair yesterday and that has been helping me feel a little better. I had her brighten it up a bit with warmer tones and I love it. It’s sort of a coppery brown with golden highlights, which is closer to the natural state of my hair as a kid. We’d been trying to avoid the natural reddish undertones that my hair tends to pull beforehand but I think it looks much better when I let them shine and brightens up my face and goes better with my green eyes.
So it has been cheering me up a bit and I came home and got quite a bit done yesterday after unpacking. Oh, and my grandma gave me some natural supplements that are supposed to help with weight loss. It’s really just the 15 lbs or so that I keep losing then gaining back but I want to get rid of it for good. I’ve never tried dieting really or pills but maybe these will help and they are natural so we will see. I work out several days a week and take my Zumba and pole dancing classes and stuff, but right now it doesn’t seem to be helping.
My diet has admittedly suffered though these past few weeks. Then of course, I’ve had bloating from my menstrual cycle. I dropped off like 5 lbs this morning from yesterday so that is going down and helping me feel a little better too. I do tend to hit a depressed state that time of the month and gain some water weight which makes me feel like crap.
I keep wanting to say I’m on my way to getting over this but I’m really not sure. There are days when I feel like I am doing better but then nighttime falls and I am a wreck. Ugh.
I’m still not lacking for men that want to talk to me. There is a swinger guy I may or may not meet with next weekend and my fuck buddy texted to ask where I’ve been and says he misses me. The married man says his wife will be out of town soon and the guy I had the affair with was really disappointed that we missed each other. Then there is that guy I kissed awhile back who gave me the flowers. He’s been emailing me again. Oh, and I got a text from the guy with the small dick (I should probably think up a nicer way to refer to him, lol) wanting to see me this weekend too. Plus there’s this other guy who just got married, but has been talking about flying me out to see him for quite a while. Lots of prospects, just need to get over this pesky broken heart. :p
The guy I had the affair with has been kind of cracking me up. His texts are interesting. He’s gone back to being really possessive lately, even though we haven’t seen each other in like 6 months and rarely talk. Out of the blue he’s telling me I’m his and he doesn’t want to share. I just sort of laughed it off and he was like “Lovergirl, I’m serious”. I’m not sure how to take that. I used to love his possessive attitude towards me but right now it seems so far removed. I had said if he wanted it to be his he was going to have to come get it (meaning get your butt down here soon, lol) and he said “I am going to come get it!! And I’d better not find out someone else is getting it or there will be problems”. What?? Men, I swear they are so weird sometimes. Why would he act territorial NOW, when we’ve not been an item for a long time?
Anyhow, I’m trying not to think too much about what the Professor has been up to. Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to me or he would. It has been over four weeks now since we’ve spoken to one another. He seems perpetually always signed on to the swinger site but I think it’s always been like that. He was on my “friends” list there so I’m used to seeing his name as “online”. I think it must just mean his phone is on or something. I try to stay away from his profile, his house, anything like that, no matter how tempting it is to look. Everything about thinking about him makes me feel so disappointed and hurt.
Who knows? Maybe he’s spending all his free time with that married woman now or playing with whomever off the swinger site. I guess I know one thing for sure and that’s that he never really cared that much about me or the friendship in the way he pretended to. He’s never even bothered to check and see how things are going with all the stressful stuff he knew was happening here at my house with my oldest child.
This really isn’t doing much to help my trust towards men in general. I feel betrayed because he ACTED like someone who really liked me but then just turned on me and disappeared when it didn’t fit his agenda. I don’t understand why, if he just wanted to be FWB, he would do all that stuff for me and get involved in my daily life and act like I meant something to him. They always say you can judge a man’s feelings more by his actions than his words but in this case I guess I should have been listening to his words and ignoring the actions. I’d much rather he never have done all that stuff and given me hope if he didn’t mean it.