Tag Archive | he loves me not

Redefining love

If you are looking for good advice on how to be good in bed, as a woman, where do you go? As far as we seem to have come from Victorian “lie back and think of England” days, there really isn’t a lot out there that gives GOOD advice to women regarding what to do in the sack. I mean, we have Cosmo et al, but… well, try at your own risk.

I love this article by the way Cosmo’s Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. Really sheds some light on the ridiculousness of some of the “advice” out there given to women on how to improve their sex lives. Dip your boobs in edible body paint and make a masterpiece all over his body? Feed each other ice cream in the dark and lick it up? Give him a beer facial? Unless you have an extremely patient and forgiving significant other, please ladies, don’t try these at home!!

Here’s a truly embarrassing admission. Back in the day I actually read and TRIED a couple of sex tips I found in magazines like these, because, well, reading all that stuff made me feel like if I wasn’t doing weird shit in bed that guys would think I was BORING. Bad, bad idea. LOL Food and sex don’t mix well. Really, they don’t. Not to mention I nearly threw up once trying to give a guy a blow job with some sort of strawberry flavored lube. Yuck!! I want to taste his dick, not his dick covered with flavored lube. It’s gross, seriously.

Now ice cubes? Okay, maybe I’ll bend on that one. I once had a guy ask me to give him a blow job with ice cubes in my mouth because someone had done it to him at a massage parlor. He played college basketball and the coach took them there after they won a game (totally shady shit, I know, I know but clearly no one was complaining- makes you wonder!!). He seemed to like that a lot. 😉

Anyway, the advice in most of those magazines sucks! They always want you to be some kind of a dominatrix, taking control and doing things to him too. I don’t doubt that sometimes men like that but I’m not convinced it’s necessary, despite all the “real men” they quote saying otherwise.

Plus, it’s just NOT ME. I hate being the one to control things in bed. It turns me off and puts too much pressure on me to perform, to the point where I can’t orgasm or really EXPERIENCE the sex the way I want to. I’ve come to the realization that I just am very submissive in bed and it’s really OKAY to be that way. Some men even PREFER it and those are the ones I want to spend my time with. Sorry Cosmo, as far as your editors are concerned I suck in the sack, so I guess I won’t be fucking them, but the men I come across seem to enjoy me just fine.

I’m more than happy to do all kinds of things in the bedroom, and honestly pretty much anything he wants if I like him enough, but I don’t need to be mixing up all sorts of crazy shit to make him happy. Whip cream and chocolate sauce are better on ice cream than on each other’s genitals, which taste just fine on their own. Peanut butter, mangoes and tomato sauce? Oh Hell no! His bedroom is not a fucking restaurant! LOL

By the way, I think we can at least give Cosmo a little nod for helping me get married to my ex husband. I’m pretty sure I tried a few of their “tricks” on him in the beginning (hey, I WAS only 18 when we started dating, lol) and he seemed to enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe that’s part of why he mistook me for the dominatrix I am not. :/ I was playing a role to turn HIM on that wasn’t exciting to ME. Maybe I can thank them too, for the years I spent afterwards, expected to ride him into oblivion while he just lay there and got off and I didn’t. Yeah, that pretty much killed all my enthusiasm for being “on top”. :p

Anyhow, obviously it’s not all Cosmo’s fault, lol, but I do wish I’d had better advice in that regard. It’s hard for a woman to find! Even now in the days of Google, the sex advice for women isn’t much better.

Speaking of Google, there’s something else we females use it for nowadays and that’s advice about love and relationships. Men google that stuff too, don’t even try to hide it guys, lol, but women are still concerned with the age old question of “does he love me”? We may not be plucking flower petals and reciting it over and over “he loves me, he loves me not” but we still wonder and obsess over it, wanting a real answer. Only now, we do internet searches, not that it wields much better in the way of results.

Come on people, fess up. Have you ever done an internet search for something like “how to tell if he/she is falling in love with me?” I know I’m not the only one, and judging from the myriads of results, well, there are a lot of people who wonder that very thing.

The sad thing is that even with all there is out there on the web, there is very little good and true advice about how a person acts when they are IN LOVE. It’s all also hyper focused on monogamy and for the poly-tically inclined, well, you’re out of luck! Apparently you CAN’T be in love if you are even so much as LOOKING at other people and feeling attracted. The same is true if you are married and cheating on your spouse. Married men “never” can fall in love with the other woman, because well, marriage vows somehow prevent that. Sorry folks, and betrayed spouses out there, but this simply isn’t true, no matter how much you WANT it to be.

That piece of paper you sign, the wedding vows, the promises you make, the hopes you have for the future, none of that is a GUARANTEE of anything. It doesn’t lock down your spouse for life the way you want it to because we are all human beings, capable of deception, capable of getting turned on and attraction to someone else, capable of feelings and emotions that surprise us and capable of having sex with more than one person. Yes, in a lot of ways this sucks, but it is the truth.

Look it up on the internet and you’ll find all kinds of articles telling you that if a man loves you he will cease to have any interest in other females, he will automatically want to introduce you to all of his friends and family, he will buy you gifts and pledge his undying devotion, he will make a commitment to you and only you, he will drop everything going on in his life and want to spend every waking moment with you, if he “really” loves you. Otherwise, you’ve been played!

Sorry, but I don’t believe that at all. I’ve felt love for different people in my life and expressed it in different ways. I’m falling in love with the Professor but I can still have sex with other men. I don’t need to spend every moment with him because I’m at a point in my life where I like a little bit of space and so does he. We aren’t getting married and I think it’s fine and good for us to have separate interests and not even live together. I’m not jumping at the bit to introduce him to everyone I know yet (though he has met my grandmother and my kids). It’s okay, really. Love doesn’t have to fit in a little peghole that society wants to put it into.

All that said, even though he’s still interested in other women, he isn’t making a commitment to me and he isn’t dropping everything in his life to be with me and coming over during all his spare time, I don’t doubt that the Professor is feeling things for ME.

He does a lot of things for me that are clearly from the heart and what you wouldn’t do for just anyone. Like last night he came over here and brought me a new antenna for my tv that he had bought, just for me because he knew I wanted to be able to watch the NCAA tournament and couldn’t get the right channel. It was a wonderful surprise and he took the time to hook it all up and then went and stopped my toilet from running too! It had been messing up for a few days and the landlord hadn’t been able to come out. I never asked him to do those things he just offered. You’d have to be crazy to offer to fix someone’s toilet if you didn’t like them! LOL

I LOVE IT that he is so helpful and thoughtful and looks out for me. I could give a fuck less about the nonsense others think about how him wanting to continue sleeping with other people must mean he isn’t into ME. Sure there are times I have doubts but stuff like last night confirms what I already know. Emotions aren’t defined by logic. People can feel something for each other despite not acting in the way society says they should.

I felt very much the same way about the guy I had the affair with. Sure others would say oh, people in an affair never can “really” love each other or that if we did we would be wanting to get married, but that’s simply not true. Love comes in all different shades. We need to stop trying to put it in a box. Two people can have feelings for each other and it not look anything like it is “supposed to” from the outside.

I want to take a minute to give a little shout out and thanks to Kdaddy23 here for his great advice, in my blog comments, during the interview with him HERE and privately over email. He has a lot of experience and keeps reiterating to me that in order to do this I need to drop everything I ever learned about love and monogamy and RELEARN a whole new way to live. I’m seeing what he is saying, bit by bit and it’s quite eye opening! Thanks! I’m still a work in progress but it’s such an interesting road to be on. I think I’m really going to enjoy the journey. 😉