Tag Archive | fears

Gone with the wind?

disappearing

Yep, you guessed it. Things are going wrong with the Cohort again. Why do I do this? It’s like I can only write when I fear things are falling apart. Yet, so much has happened. He’s not even the only man in my life. I have other stories. It’s not like I’m lacking material. There have been so many interesting experiences, feelings and thoughts coursing through my mind, ones that I WANTED to share with you all, but couldn’t bring myself to.

I’m so caught up in my feelings, that it is hard to write. Even now, I am struggling with deleting and rewriting everything. Help!

I always swore I wasn’t going to be one of those blog writers that just disappears all of a sudden because I got caught up in a relationship. No, not me! Never!! Sigh….

The truth is, I finally understand. I finally know what it feels like to be so in love with someone that it takes over your heart and your mind. There. I admitted it.

I love him. Even if nothing works out between us, even if everyone reading my blog thinks I’m crazy or that he’s some kind of bad person because of the things I have said about him. Even if he or I makes every mistake in the book and I open up our life to the world on here, I’ve said it.

I guess, that is a big part of it all. I’m afraid of opening “us” up to criticism. I’m afraid of anyone saying anything negative about him or my feelings for him and want to protect that. I want to protect him from all you big bad bloggers and people out there that might see his mistakes and failures, instead of the man that I see.

Of course, I want to protect myself too. I want to cover up all my fears and vulnerabilities, so no one can go back later and say “I told you so” when things go wrong. The truth is though, that we are both flawed individuals, just like everyone else out there. He’s not a bad guy with bad intentions, any more than I am a bad person.

The difference between the Cohort and other men, is that I feel like I UNDERSTAND him…and like he understands ME. I’ve never had that with anyone, anywhere, before. That’s not to say I understand his every behavior or action- far from it. He’s a typical, completely baffling at times, male. Yet, somehow, without words, when I search my heart, I just know.

It’s funny that I write these words right now, when he’s in the middle of doing something that seems completely incomprehensible. I’ve been agonizing for days because he has just suddenly disappeared, after spending a wonderful day together. The man who normally calls, texts and wants to see me several times a week has just *poof* pulled a Houdini and vanished into thin air.

What happened? His last text to me was sweet and loving. He thanked me for “being there” on his birthday and being someone he cares about and who he knows cares about him. Then….nothing. I haven’t tried to contact him either because something in me knows its not the right thing to do.

What the heck- right? Who does that to someone they have been seeing for over a year? We’d had a great time, he took me out for lunch and a little shopping, we had great sex (with a condom, he wore a condom with me for the very first time), we cuddled and kissed and were all over each other afterwards while we watched a movie at his place. We ate some of the ice cream cake I had made him for his birthday and he walked me out to my car before I left, to kiss me goodbye, and because it was dark.

He had been talking, in bed, about how he wished he could take me on a vacation and how he wanted to see me later in the week. He was affectionate, looking in my eyes, kissing on my neck, stroking my hair, spooning behind me as we watched a movie and wrapping his arms around me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary or out of place. If anything, he seemed more loving than ever.

So what happened? Where did he go? I know he’s alive. I can see on his business account that he has been shipping things, so he has to be at home, not even on a vacation. I saw him, last night, logged into the swinger site.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions, from fear of abandonment, to anger and just complete confusion. I’ve wondered if this is some kind of cowardly way of “dumping” me, or what? Will I ever hear from him again?

Yet, when I really search my soul, I know it’s okay. Something in me says to trust him, even when he is doing something that many people would be enraged about. That’s not to say it’s easy, but I just know. I know how he gets in his head and overwhelmed by the feelings he has for ME.

It’s kind of like I’ve been feeling about writing in my blog. I want to, I want to reach out, yet I can’t think straight. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. So I put it off and each time I want to do it, I just can’t.

Meanwhile, I go about my life. Sometimes I feel guilty for not writing. Sometimes I crave it but keep putting it off. Its always in the back of my head though, because I really do love writing in my blog, and finally, here I am.

Will I stick around this time? I can’t answer that question. I’m like a non-committal man. I WANT to, really badly, because it feels so good to be here. I came on strong in the beginning, but now I run hot and cold, in and out, unsure of myself because I am unable to handle how I FEEL.

When I come back, each time I realize how much I missed it, and miss you guys! It’s like this huge relief to see the same people commenting again. It feels safe and draws me back in again.

Ahhhh…. this is eye opening. It feels like I know now what to do with the man I love. I’ll let him go and continue to go on about my life. When he comes back I may tell him how it felt while he was gone, but I am not going to hold it against him. No grudges here, because I understand.

I’m not saying I will put up with mistreatment, but also please don’t be too harsh on the Cohort. He’s very much, like me. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in a mirror, like I have found my other half. I feel like this man, is my soul mate, if such a thing exists.

He’s ever so imperfect, but at the same time, so endearing.  He’s so REAL and so full of insecurities and fears, yet so perfect.  Perfect, for ME.  He’s like everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, yet he drives me crazy.  He makes me laugh like no one else, and sometimes, he makes me cry, though I know he feels bad if he does.

I know I could spend the rest of my life with him.  I know I could.  There is NO question in my heart.  He feels like the One.

Would we have a perfect, bump free, life?  Oh HELL no!  Haha  There is just so much to consider.  So many possible pitfalls, so much to overcome.  I just can’t imagine it with anyone else the way I can with him.

Some texts he sent, a couple of weeks ago, after we had a blowout, said this:

“I don’t hate you Lovergirl”

“You’re just very passionate”

“And you are dead wrong…You ARE special to me…. you are probably the woman I truly should be with if I just let myself”

There you have it.  If he just “let himself”.  He’s got this big internal struggle going on over me.  He FEELS like I do, yet he sees my situation as this big, insurmountable obstacle.  He’s still struggling with the fact that I have so many children and my finances aren’t great. Maybe someday he will get over it and just take that leap of faith…and maybe, he won’t.

I guess I just have to trust him, and oddly, for the first time in my life I do. Even when everything that has happened thus far might point other people otherwise.  People might say that he doesn’t love me or he wouldn’t act the way he does, but I don’t believe it.  I FEEL it.  When I dig down, deep inside myself, I KNOW.

So, even though he’s disappeared, for now, I feel safe.  I feel like he will make the decisions he needs to for both of us. Maybe it will mean I never see him again, or maybe not. Somehow I feel good about it, amidst it all. The more I search my heart, the more confident I feel. I’m pervaded with a strange sense of calm. What’s meant to be, will be.

The Pilot vs the Professor

JDNewPilot VS professor

So the Prof texted me again last night.  He said he hoped my kids enjoyed the gifts and that he still misses talking to me, then a sad face, and goodnight.  I didn’t know how to respond or what to say.  Of course I miss him too.  I hurt for the past couple months over all this.

Part of me just wants to forgive and forget and be with him again.  Yet that seems like it would be foolish because he’s already hurt me.  Why wouldn’t he do it again?  Has anything changed?

I’m sure he’s still talking to that married woman, the one he said he values more than me.  He’s obviously been with a few different women off the swinger site.  He has been looking at my profile again today so I looked back and he’s gotten a handful of validations from women in the past couple months that sound like he probably slept with them. 

So why now?  Several weeks ago, when we texted back and forth, he really didn’t appear interested.  Is he going through a dry spell and reminiscing or what? 

Men do this every time though.  EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME.  If they “break up” with you in some form or another they always come back.  Like one man said “like swallows to Capistrano, men always return”.  I love that saying because it’s sooo true. Without fail. So predictable.

I still have some feelings for him, yeah, but I don’t know if I want him to see that.  I don’t know that I want to make myself vulnerable to him ever again.  I finally texted back about an hour later with a face like this “ :/ “.  That was the last of our conversation, then him looking at my profile. 

Maybe he’s coming to some realizations.  Maybe he’s remembering that I pretty much always treated him well or that the sex was better than what he’s getting now.  Maybe he’s seeing that I was worth more, and have more value, than he gave me credit for.  Maybe now though, it’s too late.

See, because now, I have got new people in MY life.  The Pilot has just been really cool and a lot of fun.  Plus he puts ME first as far as I can tell, and not some lame old married lady.  Yes, he goes and and fucks around and does whatever, but I haven’t felt threatened by it.  He knows that exact same married woman too because she has validated him on the site, (since the Prof and I were together, so fairly recently and AFTER she met the Prof), but no indication of him being attached to her in any way.

I have to ask myself why I felt bad with the Prof and not so much with the Pilot. Like tonight he is off at some campout orgy, lol, and I’m stuck at home, yet I don’t feel the least bit worried or insecure.  Besides him being fairly new in my life, and not yet having a major emotional attachment, I think there are some other factors. 

One, he is clearly interested in me and pays sufficient attention to me when we are together.  Like at the party he was all about me first and the other people he messed with were definitely secondary.  He never made me feel like he was using me to get at “new pussy” or like it mattered all that much to him whether or not he ended up with anyone but me at the end of the night. He seemed plenty happy to return to the hotel room just the two of us, and that made me feel good.

  There were times with the Prof where I felt like he thought it was a letdown if we didn’t end up fucking some other couple or that he was disappointed in me for not wanting to sleep with some ugly guy so that he could get at the wife.  Not that he ever actually pushed me to do so, or would, but I just got that vibe, especially at the second party we went to, which I didn’t write about.

 I can’t help but think that he fed into my insecurities somehow or they wouldn’t have been there.  It’s all about that intuition. I didn’t feel secure enough in his desire for ME to not fear being abandoned.  He was unwilling to offer what seems to me to be BASIC reassurance if we are going to play this way, something the Pilot was willing to give on the first try, without being asked and without assuming it meant some sort of “relationship”.  HE was the one saying hey, let’s discuss how we are going to handle this, ahead of time, and wanting to set boundaries that made me feel safe.

With the Pilot I don’t feel like he is covering anything up, lying, or acting suspicious.  He seems plenty happy to tell me what’s up or what he is about to do with no shame or attitude that assumes it is going to bother me.  I think that was a big thing with the Professor.  He would approach sleeping with someone else as though he expected me to be upset and that would trigger feelings that maybe I should be.  It’s a simple shift in attitude but I do feel like it makes a big difference.

I’m not saying the Pilot is perfect or anything because really I don’t know enough about him yet to see how he will react to certain things.  Yet so far he seems to be handling playing together well, even though he’s admitted at some point he knows he might feel jealousy, if he were in a serious relationship or developed feelings.  He hasn’t seen me play with a guy yet and doesn’t ask about or know about the men in my life so there is no telling how he will react to that. 

As far as picking out couples he thinks we would like to play with though, he has done pretty well.  He finds a couple where both the male and female are attractive and asks me what I think.   So far he has good taste.  To be fair, I think the Prof tried, but there are limited attractive couples in this area, lol.  Still his focus was much more on the woman and the Pilot is being more reasonable about what he thinks I would be attracted to in a man.  Guys like him, of course! 😉

Personality wise, the Pilot and I also seem to get along really well. We have a lot to talk about and his sense of adventure draws out my fun side. I like going out with him a lot and don’t feel inhibited the way I did when I was with the Prof. I can be withdrawn when I don’t feel comfortable but when I do I’m quite happy to be the life of the party.

So for a playing partner, the Pilot actually seems a better match for me.  I don’t feel like I could go back to what I had with the Prof.  It no longer seems good enough in that regard.  Sex with him though, I can’t deny, was wonderful. 

There is just something about the emotional hold the Prof had on me in the bedroom that I can’t even explain.  It was hypnotic.  I’ve never experienced anything like it, not even with the married man who technically was the best sex of my life. 

In spite of that, there were ways in which the sex with the Prof was even better.  It was more than just skill and more than just a sex trance.  It required me to be very vulnerable though and at this point I don’t think I could go there.  I’m too afraid.  Too afraid to give him back that control, after the way things ended. 

I don’t know. Maybe at some point I will be ready to sleep with him again.  Perhaps at this point I wouldn’t want anything more and could handle being fuck buddies.  Not sure that I want to give him that though. I feel like I need more of an apology from him or some kind of recognition that he hurt me and was wrong to do so. Sure he’s given me some gifts and said he misses me, but that doesn’t mean he is going to make any kind of change in the way he treats me. For now I’m not ready, but only time will tell. 

P.S. I just had a policeman at my house because my 13 year old son was missing for half the day. His phone wasn’t working and it was 1 am and I was getting freaked out. He showed up right after the officer got here but I swear this guy was trying to hit on me, lol. He asked if I needed his number to call him later or for him to drive by my house at night and I’m like no my child is here we should be fine. He was also asking if there were any men here? So then he called me again just a little bit ago (at 2 am) and claimed he thought he left a pad of paper at my house. Yeah, no. He didn’t leave anything, haha. Seriously, a pad of paper? LMAO