Tag Archive | falling in love

To everything there is a season…

pregnantheart

I’m still alive! It’s been over 2 months since I have written in my blog and I have missed it. There are some reasons that I have been holding back, and it’s more than just being busy. I think my emotions got the best of me, to the point where I was almost AFRAID to write about it.

I’ve been scared to admit, even to myself, just how hard I’ve fallen for the Cohort. Somehow, even writing it down, makes me feel really vulnerable. I’m going to be brave here though, and admit that I really, really like him. The married man asked if I love him (he can tell my behavior has changed, and wanted to know what was up) and I still didn’t want to use those words, but yeah, I’m in pretty deep.

I know, there have been others. Some of you all will remember the Professor. I don’t think that’s even close to comparable to this situation though. I mean, I’m looking at this man and thinking IF (big IF) he wanted it (and I’m still unsure about his true feelings on the matter), I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him, open OR monogamous.

In the past couple of months, since I last wrote in my blog, I have only slept with the married man one other time. It was at his house, in his home office, during the day. I was on his desk, bent over the desk, and laying on the desk with my head on his computer keyboard, lol. It was fun, but my heart, is elsewhere. He can tell. He’s like why don’t you want to meet up as often, you are seeing someone aren’t you?

I’ve gone on dates a few times, and there is even this guy that keeps buying me flowers and wants to be my boyfriend, but I’m just not feeling it. Different men have tried to resurface from my past (like the guy who originally introduced me to the swinger site) and I went out to lunch with them or something, but just wasn’t interested.

Actually, it’s probably a good thing I haven’t been having sex with others, because something happened recently with the Cohort and I was very thankful that there was no question in my mind about other men. He got me pregnant.

I knew, the moment he came inside me, that it was a possibility. It was right in the middle of my cycle and I was insanely horny. We were having that great, babymaking, kind of sex and he surprised me by not pulling out. We then went on to fuck like 7 more times in a row (though he did pull out then).

For the next couple of weeks, I noted the symptoms I was having and something in me just knew. Sure enough, right before my period was due, I got a light positive on a pregnancy test. I took two more tests, wanting to be 100% sure before telling him. All positive.

What’s funny, is that, before I found out for sure, it was in the back of my head, but I didn’t say anything. Still, it almost felt like the Cohort knew. He denies knowing a thing, so maybe it was all subconscious, but some of the things he said that couple of weeks were interesting. Like, he made comments on how “fertile” I am and that made me wonder. Then he took me out one night for crab legs, which I’d never eaten before, but they are high in folic acid (especially great for older pregnant moms) followed by ice cream (calcium of course)! It was almost like he was instinctually taking care of his unborn baby (and we didn’t even have sex that night).

The night I told him, I was actually on a date with another guy. It was a second date, one that most likely would have turned into sex, had I not found out just before. I didn’t want to stand the poor guy up because he’d been super nice, but I wasn’t there emotionally. Add that the Cohort knew I was with him, and had asked me to clean up and come over and fuck HIM when I was done, and yeah, I was totally “elsewhere”. I wanted out of there so badly, even though it wasn’t a bad date and the guy seemed cool otherwise. Just, he was totally freaking me out telling me he wanted me to commit to him and not see any other men!

I later explained to the guy why I had acted the way I did, wouldn’t drink alcohol and left without the roses he bought for me. He STILL tried to get me to come back, saying he wanted to “be there” for me through it all. Heck, the guy is still texting me asking me on dates, and I feel like I have treated him pretty poorly. Emotionally, I just couldn’t do it.

In any case, I didn’t sleep with him and I went straight to the Cohort’s afterwards. I showed him a positive test. He was freaked out, as was I, but he still asked me to stay the night. We had sex, and this time, he was free to cum in me all that he wanted. A lot of that night though, was spent just staring at each other like, “what now??”

The next week was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. He was really stressed out and upset, worried about things like finances and what others would think. He even suggested abortion, which had me crushed, because its something I know I could never do. I shed a lot of tears, and the pregnancy finally ended in a miscarriage anyway. 😦

Through it all, I was encouraged, because despite his comments otherwise, I could see and feel that no matter what, should the baby have been born, he would have been there and taken raising a child with me seriously. He later told me he was worried about things like making sure my other kids and I had a bigger house and a better standard of living, that he felt like it would be unfair to them if he only focused on the baby he would be having with me. He said he couldn’t be one of these dads that just threw a couple hundred dollars and some diapers at me every month. I definitely saw him at some low points but he never tried to point blame and he was firmly “there” for me the entire time, despite fluctuating emotions.

I think, ultimately, the experience drew us closer together. He told me afterwards that my kindness and understanding towards him even when he wasn’t being very nice himself, showed him what kind of a person I really am and that he really appreciated that. Recently he made a comment about how maybe he and I will be seeing each other for a long time. I guess only time will tell if that comes to pass.

I am sad to have lost a baby, but with the grief also comes some relief. It was not under the best circumstances or timing.

I also had an interesting, and somewhat comforting, dream the other night. In my dream I was in the Cohort’s childhood home (which I’ve never seen), talking to his mother (who passed away a couple years ago, I’ve never even seen a picture). She was showing me a blanket she had stitched the Cohort’s name onto, and the date. The blanket had trains on it and she patiently demonstrated the technique she had used to put this important information on, with a blue thread. It FELT as though she were saying to let him know (pointing out his name) the baby was with her, wrapped in the blanket, and that she was taking care of things.

In any case, we are back to having sex and continuing whatever it is we have with each other. My kids were at their dads this weekend and I spent the night with the Cohort. We had sex at least 10 times in a 24 hour period, lol, plus a nice dinner, a lovely brunch, and spent some hours working together. I’m not really sure what the future holds but I am watching things develop with this man, and wondering.

Yeah, so I’m a drama queen, now what?

Ugggghh…. I sooo hate relationship drama!! Don’t we all though? Still it has a way of moving its way in once “feelings” start developing for another person. At least it seems to for me and I know I’m not the only one.

Funny thing is that there are men in my life who think I’m the most drama free woman alive. Yet others seem to think of me as a class A drama queen, all the way at the top of the list. Sigh….

I feel like I can be really good at not causing drama so long as I keep my emotional distance from someone. Once I start to feel vulnerable however, all bets are off. For the majority of my marriage we NEVER even fought and it was because I had shut myself off from him on an emotional level. We did however, argue BEFORE we got married (yeah, we had it kinda backwards). There was some arguing during the divorce, when we were still stuck living together and tension was high and neither of us wanted to be there anymore, but, for the most part, no. Of course there were some passive aggressive undercurrents going on but outwardly we were stable. We really don’t argue now at all either, after the fact. We just don’t talk, except about things we absolutely have to regarding the kids.

The most pertinent relationships with guys in my life, I hate to say it, but they have been more filled with drama than any of the ones that were not important to me. That’s bad. I know it’s bad. I don’t want it to be that way. It’s something I am bound and determined to work on within myself, it’s just…slow progress.

Some people say that when you fall in love with someone you start to associate them with your parents and childhood growing up. For me that’s a really bad thing because I had a pretty traumatic life as a child. My mom is a drug addict. My dad was absent most of my life. I had multiple abusive stepfathers, some of whom also abused my mother. I witnessed and experienced things no child should ever have to. Somehow though, I’ve managed to pull through life pretty well despite it all, in general.

I went to a couple of psychologists as a teenager and they just couldn’t get over how “well adjusted” I seemed and “normal” despite my difficult background. They didn’t feel I really needed treatment. I seemed extraordinarily able to cope. So of course I played along with their image of me and let them believe everything was okay, putting on a front of being capable and emotionally stable, which is easy for me to do. It’s easy UNTIL I get in a place where I can’t hide behind the walls I’ve erected to protect myself.

So I’m fine. I’m fine until I get in a relationship with someone and start to open up and let down my guard. It’s then that I become paranoid, fearful and insecure, panic, and then start to push people away. Someone getting close enough to actually be able to hurt me is a scary experience. It’s a loss of control that I really struggle to be able to handle.

It takes a really stable, strong, steady type of man to be able to deal with me when I’m a whirlwind of emotion and there don’t seem to be many who make the cut. Thankfully I think the Professor is just that type of guy, but I still feel terrible for putting him through what I have the past couple of days. I know it’s me and not him. He’s been really good to me. Kindhearted, honest, perfect really. I know I upset him a lot though with this last incident and that makes me feel awful.

I think the “poly” situation makes it so much harder because I am in a very unstable position with him. He’s emotionally involved with someone else and I’m starting to really fall in love with him. It terrifies the hell out of me. He says he feels the same way about me and it’s really hard for me to understand how that can even be possible when there is another woman in the picture. The sexual sharing I think I can handle but emotionally? Not so much.

Then he’s saying stuff like he feels the same way but we need to hold back to be able to swing together and stuff. To me it seems like it should be the opposite, you should have someone you are emotionally “safe” with in order to swing and I don’t know that I could ever have that with someone who is emotionally into another woman. I really just don’t like her presence at all. Even though she hasn’t actually seen him in a couple of months, they still talk. She’s still a threat to me. I’m still uncomfortable with it because it’s not JUST sex. He has admitted she is in love with him, though he says that he is not in love with her. It’s confusing to me because I don’t think I would keep someone around for long if that were the case and I had someone in my life I DID care for. I guess I’m naturally very EMOTIONALLY monogamous, even though I like some variety in sex so it’s hard for me to comprehend.

Anyway, I’ve been getting some therapy that has nothing to do with him whatsoever, but to help with issues I’ve been having with my oldest child and his behavioral problems. He is already in counseling and this is therapy focused on ME and my feelings but I haven’t discussed any of my romantic or sexual relationships. The therapist thinks I suffer from Post- Traumatic Stress. She made that judgment pretty quickly, based on very little info, so I’m not 100% sure that’s the case, but I can see how it could be true.

In any case what she is doing is using EMDR therapy to help me. You can look it up if you’ve never heard of it but it involves reprogramming your mind to associate positive feelings with past traumatic events in your life. You hold onto these little vibrating thingies that are supposed to stimulate both sides of your brain at once while you imagine calm and peaceful things whilst discussing whatever memories your mind randomly brings to you during conversation with the therapist. It’s been surprisingly helpful and I leave each session feeling calmer and less stressed overall.

Maybe getting this help for myself will help me to reign in some of my drama queen tendencies. The Professor and I had this big long drawn out “discussion” going on and off for about 3 days after the most recent incident with the woman leaving a note out on his dresser, that he says is from months ago (I actually do believe him, he’s never given me any reason to believe he is dishonest and actually is one of the more truthful, straightforward guys I’ve ever met). When I came out of my counseling session with EMDR I felt SO much better and was able to text and resolve things with him to the point that I think we are okay now.

That’s not a guarantee I won’t get upset with him in the future but I really, really want to work on it and he’s probably a great guy to be able to do that with. He’s very calm and steady and I like that a lot and am very attracted to those traits in a man. Some women are looking for excitement but I seem to be the complete opposite and it’s probably due to having such a chaotic childhood. Actually one of the reasons I chose to marry my ex- husband was that he rarely ever raised his voice. Hearing people, and especially men, YELL causes me a lot of anxiety and stress. I didn’t want that in my home at all.

The Professor came here a few weeks ago to help me put together a bed for one of my children. It was a lot of work and took about 3 hours, but he was just so CALM and PATIENT about it, very organized and he NEVER acted frustrated or stressed. It was so opposite of my ex, who though he didn’t yell much would act so awful when trying to do something like that and find a way to blame me for all his frustration. It was like this huge relief dropped off of my shoulders. I think maybe that’s when I really started to fall for him. It made me so happy that he offered to do something like that for me when he didn’t have to and then made it seem so simple and non stressful. Swoon….(lol) Anyway, I’m happy to say that for now anyway, things are back to normal with us. I really hope I can get a grip on how to handle this whole poly relationship thing because I really, deep down, want him EMOTIONALLY to myself. Sexually, I’m not ready to stop sleeping with other people so I don’t expect him to either, but that’s my big stumbling block.