Tag Archive | ex husband

It’s my Blogiversary!! :D

Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to announce that it is the official one year anniversary of the day I opened a WordPress account and began this wonderful blog! Woohoo!  I am thrilled to see that in that amount of time I have acquired 226 followers and even more happy that so many of you have taken the time to interact and comment on my writing and experiences.  I’ve even received blog award nominations a total of 14 times!  Wow!! 

So glad I decided to come here and put my thoughts to good use.  It’s like therapy for me to write about what’s in my head and and others get a peek into my interesting life.  I’m having my cake, eating it and sharing it with all of you!! 😀

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It’s funny that right around this time weddings have really been on my mind.  Not just the little emotional fantasy voyage my mind has been on regarding the Producer, but other weird little happenings as well. 

The other day, Friday the 13th to be exact, my ex- husband’s girlfriend texted me again.  She wanted to know why our marriage ended and if he had ever cheated, so I gave her the short version. 

I said “Not that I know of.  He fell for another woman that he was working with but I am pretty sure they never had sex.  He told the marriage counselors that he would leave all of us for her if she wanted him though.  Really our marriage was over long before that.  We weren’t having sex hardly at all and he said he was never attracted to me.”

I mean, all that is the truth.  There is a lot more I could have said but I was kind of taken aback by the question in the first place and didn’t want to trash talk.  Yet, at the same time I felt like I should warn her.  Warn her about the lack of sex and let her know that if it is happening to her she’s not alone.  I mean, what do you say?  There’s no way I could fit 13 years of marriage into a text.

Anyway, she had a reason for asking because right afterwards she informed me that he had proposed to her and that’s why she wanted to know.  Holy cow!  She has claimed in the past that they were going to tie the knot, and even had a date set, but he told me that they weren’t at that time.  This, however, sounds more serious.

If any of you all remember the blog post I wrote about six weeks ago, where I got a text from his number asking if I still think about him, but he later said it was her drunk texting on his phone, well, that makes it extra weird.  One of my sisters, her child’s father did something similar right before he proposed to his current wife.  He just had to check and make sure she wasn’t still interested first, and I wonder if that was what it was all about, but I guess I’ll never know!

In any case, I would never want to get back with him but at the same time it brings up some feelings.  It’s again a reminder of the family I dreamed of having being shattered and totally lost as our marriage fell apart.  It’s a reminder of all the plans we had for our life together and how those came crashing down.  Another reminder of my own failure to provide the perfect home I thought I could have for my children, and that I’ll never have that chance again.  Ouch.

As another reminder, when I was getting my nails done later that day ,(finally using that gift certificate I won, lol) I picked a glittery neutral pinkish color, thinking it would go well with most of my clothing and toes.  The woman said “oh, that is ‘June Bride’, were you a June bride?” and mentioned that she had just gotten married this June.  Sigh… 

Yesterday I was at the park with my kids and took my 3 yr old in the restroom.  Inside was a woman dressed in a wedding gown attempting to use the restroom while three bridesmaids held her dress.  That was entertaining anyhow.  What’s the message in that?  Marriage is shitty?  Haha

For the most part I’m not too worried about my ex getting married.  I’m thinking it doesn’t really affect us that much since he is already fairly distant from the kids.  It might mean he won’t want to take part in our tax return deal, where I allow him to claim a couple of the kids in exchange for half his refund, so in that sense not good for me.  Other than that, I don’t know. 

Today when I dropped the kids off for their (day) visit, he didn’t come out to the vehicle to get them.  I called and he said he might be there in a minute.  We waited awhile and finally his girlfriend came out, which was awkward, since I normally avoid her.  She said he was just waking up.

So I text my son and ask if everything is okay and call the other one, and they say, it is now, our dad just got home.  What?  I don’t get that.  They were lying to me about him being there, which makes no sense, unless he just didn’t want to talk to me. When I called and texted was like 15 minutes after I left and he had known we were coming. He had even texted me like an hour before to make sure what time (and he was supposedly asleep?).

 His girlfriend is really jealous and seems to think I still want him, regardless of me telling her multiple times I don’t.  She has gotten upset if I talk to him about anything that isn’t related to the kids, even finances.  I don’t know if this marriage thing is going to her head to the point where she thinks she has to control his every move or what.  She is kind of like that and I wonder if that isn’t why they are together.  He did say, when we were divorcing that the reason he wasn’t as attracted to me was because I was “too nice” and not bossy enough.  (I know, wtf? Right?)

I wonder what this means for the future because if he is unwilling to talk to me even about things with the kids, it is going to make me feel uncomfortable leaving them there.  I have full, sole custody and he doesn’t show a whole lot of interest in them or with helping with our difficult teenage son anyhow.  I think it would make me feel a lot less guilty about packing up and moving far away if it comes to that.  I guess only time will tell.

Talk about a messed up week…..

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In my zeal to complete the Shine On Award I completely forgot to mention another disturbing thing that happened this past week.  This time it involves a different man, my ex-husband.  I’ll admit it totally threw me off guard and was more than a little emotionally upsetting.

I received a text, one night, at midnight, as I was sitting at my computer.  It was from my ex-husband’s number, asking “do you still think of me sometimes?”  What. The. Fuck.????!!   I was flabbergasted!  It didn’t sound at all like something he would say.

So I wasn’t sure what to think.  It crossed my mind that perhaps it wasn’t him writing the message, but his girlfriend.  She is super jealous and seems to think I’m still interested in him, which is preposterous, but I guess she has no way of knowing better.  She also seems to take the fact that I am single as a personal threat, as though that indicates I’m still pining over him.  If only she knew, but she doesn’t.

It wouldn’t be the first time she had messaged me using his phone, without saying who she actually was and causing confusion. She had also sent messages before from her own number, using underhanded little jabs regarding my singledom and supposed inability to get a man.  And this, this just didn’t make sense coming from my ex-husband.

So my immediate response was “is this a joke?”  The person on the other end said “No, why?”  I started to doubt my first impression, what if it really was him?  What if he was actually asking me this question?  Was he having any kind of regret over our failed marriage?  I was so confused.

I responded “I just can’t imagine why you would ask me that”.  The return text said “Idk either”.  Now I felt kind of bad.  What if I was hurting his feelings with my abruptness? 

In any case, who never thinks of someone they were married to for almost half their life?  Sure he crosses my mind, though it is usually with remembrances of the more hurtful things he said and did.  I try to block out the better times because it comes with the painful recognition of failure at something I wanted so badly to work out, for us and for our children.

I didn’t know what to say.  Who was I actually talking to?  How could I be honest without leading him on if he were actually having thoughts of reconciliation?  I finally responded “I mean, I was married to you for 13 years and we were together 15.  Of course you cross my mind but not in a wanting to get back together ever sort of way.”

I hoped that answer would be sufficient.  For him, for his girlfriend, whoever might be reading.  I didn’t get a response until late the next morning.  In the meantime I lay down to sleep in a jumble of confusing, conflicting and bewildering thoughts.  I remembered things like the Valentine’s day gift he brought me after the divorce and how shocked I’d been that the person who’d hardly ever thought of me during our marriage managed to do so after.  I had simply thanked him and left it at that, but it was fucking with me.

The next morning the text I got from him said that he wasn’t texting me the night before, that his girlfriend had too much to drink and he wasn’t sure what all she said to me.  I commented that yeah, it didn’t sound like something he would say.  Still now, I guess I’ll never know, was it really her being a manipulative bitch or was it him and he used that excuse to cover up what he’d actually been thinking?

In either case it really fucked with my head, being in the emotional state I’ve been in already.  Kind of emotionally cruel but I guess he was passive aggressively like that during the marriage too. 

His girlfriend, on the other hand, just has this obsession with thinking I want him back so most likely it WAS her but it’s ridiculous.  I mean, she really seems to see me as a threat and I’ve no interest in him whatsoever, despite having had children together and trying to make our marriage work for years and years.  It didn’t.  I’m done. 

She invited me once to a BBQ at her house, last summer.  Not knowing that I see men on my own I think she thought she’d try and hook me up with someone.  My kids were there, and my ex-husband, as well as her mother and grandmother and daughters and cousins. 

His girlfriend and all her family are black.  I and my ex- husband and kids are white. They invited one other white guy to the BBQ and he was REALLY trying hard to hook up with me, which I was avoiding at all costs.  She was super encouraging of trying to help him get to know me.   I suspect it was a set up. 

I had to leave early (to go on a date) and soon after the guy texted, even though I’d declined to give him my number.  He’d gotten it from her.  UGH!

There is no way in HELL I would date a friend of theirs, even if I’d been attracted to this guy.  I just have no interest in associating with them or letting them know my business.  Not to mention it was super awkward with my ex- husband there looking on as the guy followed me around.  That, and her general fakeness and introducing me as his “baby mama”.  Please.  I was MARRIED to the man for 13 years and we have children together, it was a hell of a lot more than that.

I don’t blame her for being jealous of me.  She weighs twice as much as I do and is physically less attractive.  That’s putting it nicely.  Most people were in shock when she and my ex started dating after the divorce.  He’s a very physically fit and good looking man. My first thoughts were this lady is really ghetto/ratchet.  Sorry, but it’s true.

The woman has a police record for domestic assault (3 times) and dui’s, she’s been in jail since he was with her, supposedly for violating probation.  I normally try and avoid her.  I’m not looking for a fight.

My kids are required to visit with them and to be fair she has been nice to them thus far.  She got them Christmas presents and my ex doesn’t do that kind of thing on his own.  She bought my 3 year old daughter a (black) doll and I thought that was really sweet.  She also wanted to pierce my daughter’s ears to which I said NO (!!!) but I think her intentions were good. 

I feel sorry for her because I think my ex treats her similarly to how he did me and her self- esteem doesn’t seem really high either.  She actually has it worse in some ways, like she was the one working and providing everything for the family while he sat on his butt with no job for almost 8 months.  It’s easy to say I would have left him if I were her but obviously I can’t talk.

She thinks they are getting married and even had a date set last year but it never happened.  I have my doubts.  I only heard about that because my sister (who is half black, so I guess slipped past the radar and she didn’t recognize was someone she didn’t know) had decided to friend her on Facebook out of curiosity, unbeknownst to me.  She called to tell me about the posting regarding the upcoming wedding.  I said something about it to my ex and he denied it was going to happen any time soon.  I guess it never did.

So really, I feel sorry for her and I don’t hate her or anything but I try and avoid her.  My sister has since been removed off her FB, lol.  In any case, it was pretty low to text me pretending to be him, if she did.  I wish she wouldn’t worry about me wanting him back because I don’t.  Hopefully if she’s the one that texted it will allay her fears and if it was him he will have had his curiosity satiated, but yeah, another upsetting incident for me this past week.

Oh, and I’m not getting to see the Producer today.  He is in serious pain with his hip and going to the ER.  No idea what is wrong.  Hopefully it’s not something really serious.

STUCK in a prison of my own making

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All this writing about my ex -husband is bringing up more and more memories, things that make me question how I could ever think that my marriage was happy and good, but I did.  I thought that we were living the way we were “supposed” to be and that I was doing the right thing in not only listening to my husband, but being supportive of him.  So when other people were critical of his extremism, I was quick to back him up.  Remember, he was constantly drilling into me that we were doing this for God, putting Christ first in our lives, living for the Lord.  At times, when I would question or disagree with something he would re-iterate that it wasn’t “right” to question God’s plan for our lives, as written in the Word.

I don’t want to give the impression that I never questioned or challenged his beliefs, because I did, and frequently, but he ALWAYS had an answer for anything I brought up.  He always had a well thought out “Biblical” answer.  He’d been studying the Bible his entire life and HIS father was also a preacher.  He was always quite sure HIS answer was the RIGHT answer and that there was no other way and everyone who thought differently was wrong.  Even his own parents and family, including his father, the very old school preacher, sometimes felt he was taking things too far.  In fact most of our social interactions with other people as a family included hours of debating between him and whoever we were visiting with.  Hours of him debating until he felt like he’d “won” the discussion, affirming that his interpretation was correct.  The debates were virtually always about the Bible, or politics.

I can’t even tell you how overwhelmed bringing up either of those topics makes me feel today.  That’s all that was ever talked about.  I got so tired of religion and politics.  Anytime I’d bring up something else interesting he’d brush it off and change the subject, unless of course it was one of HIS pet hobbies.  He’d go through phases of getting really into one thing or another for a period of time and that would dominate the discussions for a while, to the point where I could no longer stand hearing about it.  For a time it would be gardening, or making bow and arrows, or sheep.  I kid you not, he went through a phase where all he talked about was SHEEP, like all kinds of various breeds and whatnot.  He wanted to start a sheep farm along with his ministry.  I thought I was going to go crazy hearing about sheep.

I know it probably sounds like I’m just bitching about his personality but it’s more than that.  The resentment that built up was so strong because he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise!  Any time I tried to talk to him he would brush off anything I had to say and only want to talk about HIS obsessions.  He even went as far as to tell me that my thoughts and ideas and the things I was interested in were “stupid”.  My dreams and hopes for the future, in his mind, were completely irrelevant.  We were only going to follow HIS dreams, no matter how far- fetched.

In fact, one time, when I suggested that once the children were grown I would like to go back to work and make money so that we could travel the world as a couple when we retired, he got very upset with me.  He said that I was supposed to be helping him in the ministry and that he thought that when the children were grown I should continue to do so and not be trying to do my own thing. 

So, in the face of all this I made do the best I could and tried to support whatever it was HE was interested in at the time.  When he went through a gardening phase he would plant the garden and obsess over all kinds of seed varieties and leave me with the work of weeding and watering and storing all these vegetables and trying to cook with them.  Totally made me hate farms and gardening, lol.  We had about an acre of garden and that was a lot of work!! If it was bow and arrows or sheep or whatever else he was interested in I spent a lot of time just LISTENING to him talking about it, offering ideas, whatever I could but it was exhausting and he never gave me a chance to have any hobbies of my own.

Keep in mind that I was doing all this with babies on my hip and toddlers attached to my ankles.  I was stuck at home because we only had one car and couldn’t go anywhere by myself.  He would be off 40 miles away working and attending seminary and I was home on 6 acres of land, surrounded by Amish folks for neighbors.  I had no tv, no internet, no cell phone and our land line was 12 cents a minute to call anyone out of town so I was limited there too.  No music other than Christian, no radio, and very few books. 

This is how isolated I was.  I was desperate for adult conversation.  When he’d come home I was so eager to talk to him but most times he’d brush me off and pretend not to hear what I said, heading off to read the Bible or “pray”, which involved walking all about the property while I did all the housecleaning and caring for children.  He’d ignore me to the point where I had to raise my voice multiple times to get his attention.  I’m generally pretty soft spoken so this was out of character.  He made me feel like a nag if I even wanted to talk about something cute the kids had done that day.  I tried to remain positive but became increasingly frustrated.  He’d say he ignored me because I didn’t have anything interesting to say, but he never really gave me a chance.

I’d also become increasingly isolated from my own family and friends.  He told me that I shouldn’t associate with them because they were not Christians and would therefore bring me down.  On the rare occasions that we visited with them he was actually kind of rude and distant, only talking to preach the Bible at them or spout his view on politics, knowing they disagreed.  It was embarrassing and further drove them away from spending time with us.  He had only negative comments to make about them and would point out their “wrong” lifestyles.

 I was unable to go to any kinds of women’s meetings at the church or meet new friends that way because he and his parents (who eventually moved next door and kind of ran things) felt that it would be irresponsible of me to expect him or them to “babysit” for me so I could be running off socializing.  They told me horror stories of women who left their husbands watching the kids and how these women ended up having affairs.  In fact, I once left my ex with the baby for about 20 minutes so that I could drive 5 miles down the highway to McDonalds to get a salad one evening and his parents panicked.  They ran over to see what was “wrong” and made a huge deal out of him being “left” with the baby.  Oh, my goodness, they were SO WORRIED about him trying to take care of an infant all by himself!! They thought I was practically abandoning him.

On top of that he would compare me to the Amish women.  He’d say how they were working in the fields all day but that he thought I was being “lazy”.  My “laziness” included caring for kids all day, keeping the house clean and menu planning and cooking, laundry, keeping the budget and paying bills, typing and editing all his papers for Seminary (I swear at least 60% of that Master’s degree he has should be mine, he supplied the thesis but I did most of the work in writing it out), and planning out everything for teaching Children’s church each Sunday.  And oh yeah, the garden, freezing and canning, feeding the cows, mending clothes.  It wasn’t like I ever just sat around watching tv….or like I ever had time to “pray” like he did.

He was the Children’s Pastor, but I wrote the puppet shows, planned the activities, made homemade goodies for the kids each week, organized the Christmas and Easter plays, the bake sales, the walkathons, dealt with the parents, attended board meetings (all with kids in tow) and did virtually everything but his 10 minutes of Bible preaching. 

Unfortunately, it was a small country church and there really weren’t many people I could socialize with there, even though we came 3 times a week.  Mostly it was older people or I was involved teaching the kids and didn’t have a chance.  Plus the ex and his parents were always reminding me that as a pastor’s wife I was always going to be living in the fishbowl, on display for everyone to see and needed to be above reproach and come across as “perfect”.  Not that in their eyes I ever could be!  I was under constant criticism, and never got any praise for a job well done.  I tried, I really did but it was never “good enough”.

One of the things that could never be “good enough” was dinner.  Though I was completely clueless on how to cook before getting married I learned and learned well.  A lot of people praised my cooking and it is something I enjoy doing, I eventually even wrote out my own cookbook, but my ex would only comment if he thought something was wrong with the food or that I was doing something wrong.  He’d stand over my shoulder and offer “advice” that was mostly useless but kind of controlling. 

He also expected dinner to be ready the instant he walked in the door after work.  I didn’t really even mind playing the 1950’s housewife, but the problem was that he didn’t come home from work every day at the same time!  So it was impossible to predict exactly when to have the food ready and he was THAT particular about it.  If I was a few minutes late he’d act hateful and irritated, slamming things around, glaring at me, and never explicitly SAYING what he was pissed about.  He made it clear though, that he thought I was a failure as a wife. 

So to end this post (which maybe sounds like a gripe session, lol) I am going to point out some more ways in which this behavior was abusive.  If you read through and are aware of the signs you will see a big one was the isolation.  I was isolated from family, from friends, and even to an extent from church people.  I was made to feel like they were always watching, always critical. 

In fact, there was a time when the senior Pastor’s wife had given a little speech on journaling and prayer journaling and I was so excited to come home and WRITE.  I love to write (as you can see!) and hadn’t in a long time.  My ex shot that down pretty quickly.  He said you should NEVER write out your feelings and thoughts because someone could find it and read it later and use it against him in the ministry in the future.  I’m not sure why he assumed I would be writing anything negative but he did and discouraged me from ever writing down a journal.  I was also reminded repeatedly by his parents that divorced men could not be preachers in their denomination.  This was a subtle way of insuring I felt horribly guilty that if I ever left him I’d be ruining his entire career. 

Besides the isolation, he made sure to criticize me for the very things I was trying to do best.  I poured my entire life into children and homemaking and he would subtly try to make me feel like I wasn’t doing any of it “well enough”.  He’d throw little passive aggressive “tantrums” when I didn’t have dinner done the second he walked in or lurk over my shoulder while I was cooking to make sure I was doing it “right”.  He rarely raised his voice, he never cursed, but his attitude was one of disdain.  He’d point out the hardworking Amish women but “forget” that they had lots of other people helping them and lots of older women and children to help with little ones.  They had a social life and community.  Nevermind that my mother in law was always telling me the Amish women have short lifespans. :p

He trivialized any of my interests or ideas and even kept me from writing for myself (though it was encouraged when I was writing HIS papers).  I did a lot of work, all day long and was trying to please but none of it ever returned a compliment.  He had nothing nice to say and it was all expected.  He felt “entitled” to be waited on hand and foot while he did whatever the hell he wanted or lie around “praying”.  I was made to feel that his “praying” was first and foremost and never given a chance to do so myself unless it was lead by him in a “family devotion”.  To argue with that would be to go against God because his “praying” was important in determining his future and ministry.

There was even a time where he was out of work for 7 months straight and at home ALL DAY LONG and he didn’t lift a finger to help.  He “prayed” most of the day away and I was expected to continue to run things and also to help him find a job.  I looked and looked and he’d accuse me of “not having enough faith” if I stressed out over bills or if I suggested that maybe I should try to work instead.  If I worried about money it was a lack of faith.  If I didn’t think God was going to drop a job down from the sky or send us money in the mail it was all my failure to “believe” strongly enough.  Notice how any problems or difficulties were MY FAULT.  It wasn’t his lack of motivation or his job loss, but I was holding us back because I wasn’t giving it all to God.  The blame was all on ME.

Not to mention his parents would harass me daily, also blaming ME for his lack of work.  They thought it must be me who wasn’t “getting after him enough” to go out and get work, that I was expecting help from him with the children and letting him sleep in too late.  It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with his own personal work ethic!

So blame, isolation, knocking down my dreams and things I wanted to do, putting me in a position where I was incapable of going anywhere (out in the middle of nowhere with no car), subtly making me feel like a failure no matter how hard I tried, convincing me that others were also being critical (church members)…

Oh yeah, on that note he was AWFUL on Sunday mornings.  He’d lie around, getting himself ready at the last minute, while I was expected to have all the children and myself ready in time for church.  There was always an extra diaper to be changed or someone had lost their shoe or another issue to be dealt with and he’d stand there and fume instead of pitching in.  Then he’d act angry and drive really fast or run stop signs in an attempt to frighten me into doing better next time. He was constantly saying how I had “no concept of time” and was “always late”.  A funny thing I’ve noticed since the divorce is that HE is always late on his own!  Much more often than me!!  He has also been witnessed driving fast and running stoplights when he was upset with his current girlfriend.  Hmmmm…  Old habits die hard…

He’d also be nasty regarding me getting myself ready.  He’d say it wasn’t important for me to wear makeup or dress nice and if I asked if I looked okay he said I was being “vain” and that I should be happy to go to church in a potato sack.  Never a compliment and he acted as though he didn’t find me attractive.  He was never one of those guys who said “you look nice” or used the word “beautiful” and his attitude combined with his disinterest in sex made me feel so ugly.  It was such a relief to find that other men still found me attractive, once I got back out in the “world”. 

In case you aren’t following, this is a continuation of a couple posts I have written about my ex husband, including Emotional and spiritual abuse, how it all began and How he got in, breaking down the door.  You may also want to check out my post When Men Don’t Want Sex because it talks about him and his attitude towards me in that regard.