Tag Archive | dreams

Here we go again….

Twins 4_11_08 2nd Ultrasound

Well, it happened AGAIN. The Cohort and I had ANOTHER miscarriage. Who does that? What 30-something, responsible adults, who are not in an “official” relationship of any kind, go and get pregnant TWICE in a 6 month period? Apparently, us.

There is no appropriate excuse or explanation for it. It just…IS, and somehow, on some deeper level, we BOTH have to want this. We had a talk, shortly after finding out this time, and we both fessed up to the fact that there must be some subconscious pull to have a baby together. Still, it didn’t make it any easier.

Emotions were up, down, all over the place. He went back and forth from telling me that he really, really likes me and would jump on the opportunity to be with me long term if I didn’t have so many kids, to yelling at me to get an abortion. He said I treat him maybe better than any woman he has ever been with. Then said he was worried about being able to financially provide for my whole family and the social implications for him, and even brought up the fact that my other children are white. He said everyone would think he was crazy.

Then he said he’d been thinking. He thought maybe we could have some kind of non-traditional relationship, where we didn’t actually live together. He said he felt like maybe he never really wanted the whole traditional marriage type deal anyway. No matter what, he promised, he would always be there for his child.

Not long after that though, he went back to seeming angry and resentful. I told him I couldn’t handle it and just call me when he could talk without being upset. At some point, we ended up in bed together again, having hot, passionate, emotional sex. We cuddled and kissed and slept together, he came inside me, because he could. He was super affectionate.

Then, he was angry again. The roller coaster was almost too much to take. On Valentines day, it came crashing down to the bottom. I woke up to gushing blood and passed what looked like it may have been twins, in the same sac. He invited me over, and offered comfort and hugs. I had to bring a change of clothes because I was bleeding all over the place and passing clots on the mat in his bathroom.

He cleaned things up and brought me food. He took me out for pizza even though I could barely walk without having to run to the bathroom. He admitted he was sad this time and said that he hadn’t told me, but he had found a home near my house that he was planning to buy.

This sounds like the end, but it wasn’t. Almost a week later, I was still feeling nauseous, my breasts hurt and pregnancy tests kept showing up darker and darker. I was still bleeding and starting to get concerned that maybe I was wrong about having miscarried. My mind and body were playing tricks on me.

I called him, which I probably shouldn’t have, and he got really angry and started accusing me of lying. He said I was trying to “trap” him and that he thought I’d been making up that I had the miscarriage in the first place. He yelled at me that he never wanted a baby with me, to go get an abortion and leave him alone.

I ended up driving to the hospital, dizzy and bleeding, by myself, in a snowstorm. I was terrified. The ER doctors took tests and my hcg level was higher than expected for how far along I would have been. They did a pelvic exam and said my uterus was still enlarged. For a bit there I really started to believe I might still be pregnant.

Then they did an ultrasound. They said there was a lot of leftover tissue, more than what there should be, but no baby. It was possible I was farther along than expected, or it was a multiple pregnancy. I know exactly when I got pregnant because the Cohort had slipped and cum inside of me. This confirmed that it was probably what I thought the first time- twins.

They talked about the possibility of an emergency d&c but decided it was safe to send me home. I was given cytotec, which I never took because of the horror stories I have heard. The doctor said it was okay to do things naturally as long as I returned to the ER if I had pain or heavy bleeding.

Meanwhile, I had texted the Cohort to tell him where I was at and keep him updated. He asked questions via text but never bothered to come to the hospital. I felt scared and alone, and later, resentful and angry. When I expressed this to him, he was quiet, but offered to pay for the medicine and any other medical costs I incurred. He sent me the money via paypal.

He later apologized, but said he decided we should no longer have sex. So that is where we are at. He asked if I would continue to work for him, and I said yes, but we are not hanging out outside of that. I have only seen him once since then and he didn’t even hug me. We were working and talked to each other but he was obviously trying to keep his physical distance.

I’m hurt. I said I was sad and he says he is too. He says he just doesn’t think its a good idea if our relationship isn’t “going anywhere”. I guess its just too tempting to impregnate me.

The past few weekends, he’s avoided calling. Even this weekend, my kids were away at their dads, but we didn’t see one another. Still, he sends me random texts and calls sometimes for “work” purposes that really aren’t necessary. I don’t know what is going to come out of it all, but I miss him.

It feels bad to feel like I got dumped because I had a miscarriage. 😦 I’m trying to get out there and date a little bit, but haven’t really felt like having sex. The married man, when I told him I had a miscarriage, was all over that. He said “you want a baby? I’ll give you one”. Yikes! He WAS the one that once offered me $3000 a month to have his child. Now I’m kind of scared to have sex with him, lol.

It’s not been too long since I have slept with the Host (who has a vasectomy), the Pilot or Mr. Firm (he wore a condom but WOW that was hot- I think he may have earned the new position of best in bed ever, I’m not as enamored with sex with the Married Man as I used to be). There was another new guy for a bit, he was boring but he bought me some $200 boots and nice perfume. Still, I’m emotionally pretty caught up with the Cohort still and its hard to let go. I guess I am still hoping he will change his mind and want something real with me.

Maybe its hopeless, but something inside me says he’s the right man for me, like for life. Am I crazy?  Can I really be so wrong?  I know he still cares, even though he tries to hide it.  He finds reasons and excuses to contact me.  I just don’t know if I am dreaming of something that can never be.

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time writing in my blog lately is because I am SO AFRAID of how intense my feelings are this time around.  I’m afraid of putting it all out there and risking that vulnerability, admitting how I really feel, admitting I want something so badly.  What if I say all this and it all comes crashing down?  What if I’m wrong? What if I announce to the world how much I love someone and it turns out they really DON’T give a fuck about me?

Well, I decided to write anyway.  Thank you Mr. Firm, for encouraging me 😉 and all the others who keep asking why I don’t write.  Here I go again….

Heck yeah, I’m versatile!! ;)

versatileblogger11

Like a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, I am VERSATILE, baby!!  😉  I also like being put in a lot of different positions, so as big as it is, I guess this blog award really “fits”. LMAO  Okay, I’ll quit…

Thank you, thank you Mr. Smooth Reentry for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award!!  I feel like I’m on the red carpet these days, with award after award coming my way!!  MUAH!!!  Big kisses and a beauty queen wave to all of my fans!!  Haha 

If you haven’t checked out his blog you need to take a peek!!  I always love the blogs out there that cover relationships from a man’s perspective and his is a great read!  He, like me, had a hiatus from dating for quite some time (his was 20 years) and now he’s back on the scene, ready for some new experiences! 

Like every other blog award, this one has rules that are meant to be followed.  Thankfully, this is blogworld and you are free to twist and turn things a bit to fit your agenda.  Still, I’m going to color nicely inside the lines and be a good girl.  Don’t feel like you HAVE to if you are one of my recipients though!

Here is a list of the “official rules”.

• Thank the person who gave you this award.

• Include a link to their blog.

• Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.

• Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award

• Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

 

Alright so I’ll go a little bit backwards here and tell Mr. Smooth Reentry  (and the rest of you) my personal things first before sharing my award recipients.  (I know, living on the edge here)

  1. On the Myers-Briggs personality inventory I score as a hardcore ENFP.   For those who don’t know this indicates that I am extroverted (well, mildly so in my case, I do have a shy streak but it’s kind of typical for ENFP’s actually to have a slightly introverted side as well), intuitive (definitely), and look  at the world from an emotional (feeling) perspective in addition to being a “perceiver”.  For me maybe that just means I have a difficult time following the rules, yet here I am, ha!

 

  1. I have really strange dreams.  I’m not sure what it all means but on occasion they have come true, like in my post about The Ghosts of Guys in the Past.  Still, on any given night I have one weird dream after another.  Maybe it’s an indicator of all the things that are swimming around in my head, but when I say weird, I do mean weird!  Haha  Like I’ll have dreams about being with a group of scientists watching a giant pterodactyl flap around in a big hole in the ground or about a group of policeman setting my neighborhood on fire.  Recently, I had a dream I was a woman in Amish style dress, living long ago.

 

  1. I actually occasionally have terrifying nightmares where I wake up screaming.  They have lessened some over the years and are probably a result of trauma.  When I’ve been put under for surgery I would wake up in the middle, screaming and violent and try to fight off the doctors.  They said it was scary and they had to hold me down but I don’t remember any of it.  The guy who took my tonsils out said in 20 years he’d only seen one other person act that way under anesthesia and asked if I’d been abused.  Well, yeah…

 

  1. When I was 8 years old, I was sitting on the floor at my grandmother’s house playing with her Ouija board by myself and decided to do as she recommended and ask who I was speaking to. The board answered me “Amon”.  We looked it up in the dictionary afterwards and found that is “the Ancient Egyptian God of Life and Reproduction”. (Amon)  I also asked who I was going to marry and I SWEAR it gave me the exact first name of my ex- husband!! Of course I WANTED it to say the name of the guy I had a crush on at the time and it was close, but no dice!

 

  1. In keeping with my occult theme here, when I was a kid I was once running circles around and around the house and stopped on a chair in front of a mirror and saw what looked like a red light surrounding my head.  I freaked out and ran to my grandmother, who told me that was my “aura”.  (She was into that kind of thing, used to read the tarot and do white witchcraft).  From then on I would pay attention and sometimes see them around others. 

 

At age 12, I was in a little curio shop in Kansas City with my mother and stepfather (who were looking at crystals) and there was a man in there with a black “aura” surrounding him.  He was trying to show me a shrunken head and I felt an urgent sense of panic and freaked out and ran out the door and down the street.  My stepfather made fun of me because he thought I was scared of the shrunken head.

 

A couple of weeks later this man was on the news because it was discovered he was sexually torturing and killing young men and burying them in his backyard. His name was Bob Berdella.  Here is a reference in case you’ve never heard of him. Bob Berdella
 

 

  1. Every single time my mom got pregnant (after having me of course) I had a dream about it and “knew” before she ever told me.  Not saying I have psychic powers haha, but sometimes I wonder if they couldn’t be developed.  My mom used to take classes with a woman who was a psychic that worked for the police finding missing children and stuff like that and I would come along and play with her kid (who was kind of weird but I hung out with him during the class).  I had a girl do a science experiment for a fair back in elementary school where she tested a whole bunch of kids on their psychic ability of being able to predict the cards she was going to pull up out of a deck and I was the one who scored the highest.  Damn, maybe I should try buying a lottery ticket someday after all….

 

 

  1. Now that I’ve presented myself as entirely psychotic, lol, I’ll tell you that I’m really pretty practical and realistic about most things.  I’ve never fallen for this “Y2K”, “Zombie Apocalypse”, the sky is falling and aliens are coming type stuff. Really, I’m not crazy, I swear…..Muahahahahaha…;)

 

Anyhow, now that you’ve learned EVEN MORE about me I will give you a list of 15 others you really want to get to know!!  You will love each of these blogs!  Most are ones I have discovered fairly recently and decided to follow.  You know if I find them interesting they’ve got to be good!! Here they are in no particular order:

  1. A Different Story of O
  2. Binder Full of Men
  3. Bonafidesexaddict
  4. Filled and Fooled
  5. Foreplay Begins at Breakfast
  6. Not So Typical Housewife
  7. Paralysis Analysis
  8. SecretlyFab
  9. Stereotypical Man
  10. You’ve Been Hooked
  11. The Many Dalliances of Miss Katrille
  12. Smittenwithhim
  13. Infinite Horizon
  14. Accidental Swingers
  15. Polypossibilities

P.S.  Why, oh why does WordPress take all of my numbered paragraphs and label them each as #1??  WTF?  I can’t seem to change them either…  LOL  I give up!! 

The ghosts of guys in the past

He stood at the foot of the bed, looking especially handsome with his shirt off, leaning in towards me, talking in a hushed tone of voice. I lay on the bed, waiting for him to finish undressing. I hadn’t seen him in years but it felt so right to be doing this again. We smiled at each other and kissed, me wrapping my arms around his neck, before there was a knock at the door. He got up, walking past the long wooden chest that sat against the wall. The size and shape reminded me of a casket. I looked out the second story window and down at the people milling about on the lawn below. Friends we’d partied with when we were younger were drinking and talking amongst a sea of unfamiliar faces.

The knocking became more intense and the door opened a crack. Someone was being very persistent, and trying to rattle and push the door open. “WAIT, I’m not ready yet!” shouted my friend, pushing back up against the door, but the guy on the other side wouldn’t let up. It was then that I realized he had a gun. The struggle continued with both men pushing against the door in opposite directions, then…

BANG!!!! I shot up in bed. My body was shaking, tears streaming down my cheeks. I hadn’t thought about him in years. It had been at least a decade since we’d seen each other and my life was so different. Why now? Why would I have a dream about HIM, of all people? Not that we’d ever had any kind of fight or argument, he just hadn’t so much as crossed my mind in ages.

My part- time minister husband was working his regular job that night and not at home. It was hard for me to fall back asleep in the dark. My mind was swimming with memories and questions. Had God awoken me with a dream like that for a reason? Was I supposed to pray for this guy, and the people I had known in the past? Maybe that was it. I buried my face in the pillow, trying to pray, trying to quell my racing heart and the feeling of fear that I couldn’t shake.

Two days later my sister called me. Had I heard about what happened? The guy in my dream had been killed two days before. Shot, at a party, and then beaten with the gun. All the people there had scattered, and left him to die alone. According to my calculations he would have been laying there, on the verge of death at the approximate time of my dream. It happened in a second story apartment. Chills ran through my body as his voice echoed in my ears “WAIT, I’m not ready yet!”

At the time of his death he was 28 years old. My mind flashed back to moments in the past. The time when I’d been sitting on the curb with him after his sister died. He was drunk and trying to call her on the cordless phone. It’s the only time I’d ever seen him break down and cry. He’d told me then that he knew he’d never live to be 30 and I kept telling him to stop saying that but he insisted it was true. He said he wanted to get out of the lifestyle he was living, the parties, the chaos and I asked him why he didn’t just ask everyone to leave now and he said he couldn’t do it.

Years before he’d said the same thing. We were lying in bed after having sex and I was imploring him to tell me what he wanted to do with his future. “Are you going to go to college?” I asked and he’d responded that there would be no point since he knew he’d never live to be 30. Unconvinced, I insisted that it didn’t have to be that way, that he shouldn’t give up and he relented and said he’d probably go to community college.

I wanted to attend his funeral but couldn’t. My ex-husband thought I should forgo all contact with the people of the past and that even thinking or talking about it was “glorifying Satan” and quite possibly tempting myself to return to my former sinful ways. Plus a wake was an evil Catholic concoction that was simply an excuse for drinking alcohol. I grieved in silence. My sister, who had only known him in passing, went with her then boyfriend and reported back to me. She kept me updated on the news the papers failed to report, the underground word on the street, the fact that he’d had large amounts of cocaine coursing through his veins and a recent drug deal under his belt at the time of his death.

I have to wonder what that dream really meant. Was he still alive when I dreamt it? Was he lying on the floor dying, his life flashing before his eyes and somehow I crossed his mind? Did he come to me for a reason, after his death? If so, why me? I’ve had many dreams that were eerily prophetic but that was one of the most vivid and real I have ever experienced.

What’s funny is that he and I were never what I’d really call “close”. We’d had sex on quite a few occasions, maybe a dozen times, but it was far from a “relationship”. More like fuck buddies and we were relatively emotionally distant from one another. Still I’d spent quite a bit of time around him and at his house, sleeping with other people and sometimes he was there with other girls too. Neither one of us cared or was jealous or bothered by it at all.

He was the quintessential “alpha male” of the pack. The guy everyone looked up to and respected as a leader. His house was the center for many of the wilder get-togethers and parties of my youth. He was also the biggest manwhore I have ever met! Upon his death he had at least 6 or 7 known children with different women, one of my sister’s friends was pregnant with his baby and another friend of mine had a teenage daughter that he never even knew belonged to him. I honestly think he had sex with at LEAST 2/3 of the females I knew in high school. LOL

I can trace many of my more debase sexual experiences back to him, though I hold no grudges. He was never mean and as someone described him in a newspaper after his death, was “always debonair with the ladies”. I even remember once walking into a room at his house, when it was full of people, and finding him sitting on the end of the bed, watching his 10 year old sister sleep. He said there was no way he was letting any of these guys near her and was determined to protect her. Unfortunately he was unable to protect her from her own untimely death at the age of 13, which was truly heartbreaking.

It’s funny how the people of the past and the experiences you have with them shape the person you are today. Every person I have had sex with, even the one night stands, hold some kind of meaning in my life. Granted there is at least one on my written list that I can’t remember who the hell he was for the life of me, but overall we become a compilation of those we’ve had sexual relations with. It defines how we ourselves become in bed.

The guy I mentioned above once asked me who was the best in bed out of all the guys I’d slept with (or more specifically out of the ones I’d slept with that he knew personally, aka “his boys”, lol). He begged me to be totally honest and tell the truth, so I did. Even though I knew he wanted me to say it was him I told him what I really thought, and that was someone else, his best friend. He took it well and didn’t get upset. Another friend of mine thought he was the best in bed ever, but I just didn’t. To me the sex was mediocre, yet there are a lot of things I never would have experienced had it not been for him.

I think the people in our pasts, like it or not, will always haunt us, whether it be for good or bad. Sure, we can rid ourselves of a lot of unwanted baggage but the skeletons are still there in the closet, the memories that hide within popping out on us in moments we never expected. One guy will do something that reminds me of someone else. We pick people that have mannerisms or sexual behaviors that are similar to those we enjoyed in the past. From that we develop a “type” and some of us are very true to that. There are things I expect from men that maybe other women don’t and kinks I’ve developed in bed that are carried over from other lovers. It’s interesting how it all works out.

I wonder sometimes if it isn’t easier for those who are virgins until they find “the one” and stay together forever because they haven’t had those ghosts to live up to. Yet at the same time I wouldn’t trade the experiences that I’ve had because then I would never have discovered so many turn-ons that I enjoy now. It takes awhile to really develop a knowledge for what YOU want sexually and that realization would be hard to come to without trial and error. In any case, I’m ever growing as a sexual being, even now and thoroughly enjoying the process, even when it involves Ghostbusting! lol 😉