Tag Archive | disappointment

Stood up!!

stood-up

Sad to say this, but apparently the man I used to call the “love of my life” has now joined the ranks of the biggest losers.  He stood me up this weekend in a rather cruel way.  Makes me wonder if he felt some sort of need to get revenge for something I have done.  Only I can’t imagine what?  The only thing I seem to have failed at with him was not giving him enough attention the past several months.  Perhaps due to his narcissism this made him angry.  I really can’t say.

We hadn’t been talking much lately.  Now and again I’d get a random text from him saying he misses me, and I would respond in kind but we hadn’t planned any get togethers.  It’s been something like 9 months since we last had sex or saw one another. 

On my birthday he texted me.  It was sweet, he said he wished he were here to enjoy it with me.  A few days later I got another text.  This time he was inviting me to a concert.  He said a friend had given him their tickets because they couldn’t go and he had an extra one. 

I was thrilled because, unbeknownst to him I was going to be in his town anyway!  I was driving up to see family and had meant to text him and let him know but hadn’t done it yet.  So when I told him this and that my sister would likely be able to babysit he sounded excited that I’d said yes.  He emphasized that even if I wasn’t able to go to the concert with him he REALLY wanted to see me. 

The concert was for an old school singer whose music I love, and I know he does too.  It was an all white event and both of us were going to have to find something to wear.  Being that it was nearly Labor Day I figured I’d be able to find something on sale.  After telling me the details of where and what time it was and how we needed to dress, he disappeared.

That was the last I heard of him.  I assumed he was working.  He tends to be really slow responding to texts and constantly busy so I didn’t think much of it at first.  I texted him a few times, mostly thanking him, and letting him know how stoked I was that he had invited me to come along! 

Then I set off to find a dress.  I found a darling little white sundress on clearance sale for $15 at the mall and some really cute shoes (used but in fantastic condition and a normally expensive brand) for $9.  The dress didn’t require a bra, since it has a bit of one built in.  I was thankful for that, having nothing strapless and white to wear otherwise.  I got some white flower pins for my hair and a cute white bracelet and earrings.

white dress

white shoes

 

I texted to let him know I’d found some things, because he’d expressed that he needed to find white clothing as well.  No response, but I still wasn’t too worried.  The concert was the next evening so I only had one day to look and get ready to drive his way.  I even decided to swing by a tanning booth since I haven’t been in the sun much lately and I wanted my color to look good with the dress.  I decided on sparkly gold nail polish for both fingers and toes.

By the next morning, when I was getting ready to leave town with the kids, I still hadn’t heard from him.  By now I was getting a little worried but trying not to stress.  We’ve had big blow outs in the past because I’d over-reacted (or so he says) to him not responding to texts when he’s busy with working.  He always says that if he hasn’t responded then nothing has changed and that he is a man of his word and his feelings don’t change that quickly, so not to flip. 

We’ve worked a LOT on this kind of stuff in the past.  I mean, we were seeing each other and in an emotional relationship for 4 years.  Our affair lasted two years during the end of my marriage and carried on over two years after that before it started to dwindle.  He knows all too well that being stood up is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and that I tend to panic if I have any reason to believe plans are going to be changed at the last minute. 

That’s what is really fucked up about all this.  He knows me and knows my trigger points probably better than anyone on the planet.  He knows all too well about my abandonment issues, and over the years that I’ve really been trying hard to work on them.  So I finally texted that I was starting to feel anxious and stressed but that I was going to try not to worry and looked forward to hearing back from him soon. 

I let him know I was on my way to town and was looking forward to seeing him when I arrived, that I’d be at my sister’s house.  His cousin and my sister have a child together, so in that sense we are practically related and I’ve known him since we were kids.  I reasoned that everything was probably fine and was proud of myself for not going overboard or getting angry with him for his lack of response.  I was trying to remain calm.

All to no avail.  I arrived and showered and got ready for the concert but still no word from him.  I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and just knew he wasn’t going to show.  I didn’t put on my new dress and I told my sister what was up.  She was like “yeah, if he hasn’t responded by NOW, he’s probably not coming”. 

Wow. Just wow.  I couldn’t believe he would do this.  My sister said yeah, but what do you expect from the men in that family anyway?  I had to acknowledge that there is some truth to that.  I dated one of his half- brothers long ago and he stood me up constantly.  I just wanted to believe he was better than that.  Sure enough, he never showed and I haven’t heard a peep out of him.

I guess he must have invited someone else instead but the least he could have done was make up some stupid lame excuse.  I’d rather hear one of those, and maybe even be lied to, than stood up like that.  It was cruel.  My sister said the same thing, and so did Mr. Firm when I told him.  The Producer said I shouldn’t be hanging around lame ass bustas like that, haha and I even told the Pilot (we’ve been texting back and forth a bit, but no plans to get together again or anything as of now).

The Producer says he will take me out and I can wear my new white dress. 😀 At least I know he will most likely follow through! For my birthday he took me out to an expensive steak house and for a couples massage and had bought me roses and a card as well. He went to a white linen party himself recently and bought white clothes for that too so we could even match, lol. Mr. Firm thought it was pretty fucked up too and said I should send HIM a pic of myself in the dress.

 

I commented to the Pilot “see why I am so sensitive about stuff like that?” and he said “I can understand that but I didn’t have you come all the way up here and change my mind”…which is true.  At least he gave me that much respect and in that sense his behavior is more forgivable.  Thank God I didn’t make a trip up there JUST for that or I would be pissed beyond belief.  I was coming up anyhow to get my hair done by my sis and hang out with the fam.  I’d also made tentative plans with Mr. Firm for the following day.

As it is though, I was mad enough to text him to never bother contacting me again.  I left it at that and said have fun at the concert.  What an ass.  I am so done with him and compared to the hot sex I ended up having with Mr. Firm the next day, he’s really not looking like he was ever much of a catch anyhow.

OMG.  Mr. Firm was beyond fabulous in bed.  He drove up at lunchtime (he’s 30 minutes away from my hometown) and got a cheap motel.  I’d just had my hair done and couldn’t get all the dye off my head but he was cool about that, lmao.  He said the same thing happens to him when he colors his goatee.  He must have gray hairs in it or something, lol.

WOW, did my time with him ever make me feel better!!  😀  I think he has surpassed even the Professor in the bedroom.  He’s almost up there with Mr. Married Man and is probably my second most favorite ever.  I loved every minute of it!!  We fucked twice and were in there for two hours.

He’d told me beforehand to come in the back door because the front desk staff was being nosy about his checking out a room during that time of day.  I’m pretty sure by the time I left there was absolutely nothing left to their imaginations as to what we’d been doing, lmao!  He even said he saw a shadow on the wall from someone standing in front of the door for quite some time while we were having sex, though it was gone by the time we’d finished. 

I was trying to be quiet but it was impossible, lmao, and he was like “just let it go”. 😉  Oh my God, he is good!!!  There is no doubt in my mind that he has had LOTS of practice, haha. 

He texted me afterwards. “That was great.  You fuck me just the way I like.  Amazing.”  He even commented a couple more times how freaking great it was and how he loves the way I fuck.  Apparently it was good for him too!  I have no idea why and it still baffles me that men say that when I don’t feel like I do anything special in bed, but I am thrilled that he likes it!!  Haha

Nothing like getting under one man to get over another.  Soooo glad I had someone to fall back on, because it really did help.  I’m ready to forget the guy I had the affair with and move on.  So much for that.  Unbelievable that he would stoop that low but unless he’s dead or something there really isn’t a good enough excuse.

 

 

Missed opportunity? :/

gb

So Mr. Firm is off in another state with his old buddies from college now.  He had actually invited me to come along tonight, though I had some doubts as to whether or not that would work out.  He mentioned it before we had sex and I said I would think about it and let him know afterwards, once we had met in person. While we were lying in bed talking, after orgasms, he brought it up again. 

At first I wasn’t sure.  I don’t know anything about these men, have never so much as seen a picture, and didn’t know how much pressure I would be under to sleep with them.  However, he said they were both attractive, both policemen and both able to get plenty of pussy on their own so there wouldn’t be any pressure if I didn’t want to play with them.  

I still wondered, because first of all this is their little male bonding trip, lol.  I didn’t want to be tagging along like a ball and chain, though I didn’t say so out loud.  He had all his golf clubs there with him at the hotel and was telling me all about their plans to go out at night.  He mentioned that we could all go out to the club together that night and end up doing whatever afterwards. 

Either way, it’s a little over a 2 hour drive, so lots of gas money….and time.  Still, it was starting to sound tempting.  I totally could see myself as the center of attention with 3 handsome, athletic men in a hotel room, haha.  I know I’ve said before that I was done with this kind of thing, due to experiences when I was younger, but I’d be lying if I said there aren’t SOME things about it that are appealing.

What mostly holds me back isn’t that it doesn’t sound hot, but fear.  The fear isn’t anything about how I would experience the sex myself but about how THEY might view it, or treat me afterwards.  I’ve come across way too many men that see acts like this as degrading to a woman.  If their attitude was positive, then great, it could be a lot of fun but if not, then I could be left feeling pretty awful, or even abandoned.  Abandonment is a big issue for me and these guys both live a couple states away in different directions so unlikely I would see them again.

Mr. Firm is pretty cool and I don’t get the feeling he’d be that way at all.  Still, the other guys, I know nothing about.  Well, I know one is on the swinger site, and the other wants to be but isn’t yet.  They are both in relationships (no idea if swinging is “approved” by their significant others or not) and were in Mr. Firm’s fraternity in college and played sports together.  He says they had a bit of popularity due to having a great team and winning all the time, and got involved in some pretty crazy amounts of sex back then too.  So they aren’t rookies or anything, lol, but they heard about swinging and his success on the site from Mr. Firm and thought it sounded fun.

Still, knowing all that, it was sounding tempting to me, and I probably would have made the trip down there.  In the end though, it was Mr. Firm’s decision that we’d maybe be better off not and risking an awkward situation.  I’d told him that I couldn’t promise or guarantee that I would sleep with them until after meeting and wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun if I got down there and didn’t want to do it.  He totally understood and said the guys were law enforcement officers so wouldn’t want to make me uncomfortable in any way. 

Sigh…. I didn’t want to appear pushy or overeager in any way so I didn’t really let him know how likely I would probably have been to do it.  A mistake?  Maybe.  But then he may have just been using that as an excuse to not have me in the way of their going out and having guy time and I didn’t want to mess with that either.  Or maybe his friends decided I was butt ugly and didn’t want to fuck with me, haha.  Doubtful though, I don’t generally seem to have that issue with men.  Could be they just weren’t into the group idea and wanted to find women for themselves, or already did last night, haha.  I wouldn’t doubt that at all! 😉

 Part of me was thinking these guys are way too “nice” and disappointed that it didn’t work out.  But at the same time, it may be for the best.  Mr. Firm has made it pretty clear that he wants to see me again.  He says he really wished it could have worked out and he didn’t mean with me just being with all them.  I was like “Oh, I’m not saying that couldn’t be fun, lmao, just can’t guarantee anything”…and I can’t, but still…it COULD have been fabulous.  He commented on how much of a blast he had the other night and that he likes me even more because I am so easygoing.  Blah…

He’s been cool as a cucumber so far but now I wonder if I’ll ever have that kind of opportunity with him again.  He’s probably put me into the “doesn’t do that sort of thing” category.  Booo!  His attitude here at the end (and maybe he was getting it from the other guys because he said they were talking about it) was that he wouldn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable situation.  Then he sort of acted like he thought it might be degrading towards me or something.  Or, like he likes me too much now to want to share.  Dammit! 

It’s kind of like this guy who gave me the flowers and wants to get to “second base”.  He looked at my cleavage when we were sitting on the couch together the other night and was like “I’m going to be good”.  I even made a comment about how he didn’t need to be but he never tried anything.  Then afterwards he texted to say how bad he had wanted me!!  He asked if I would have done anything with him and I said yeah, probably, and he freaked out!  My phone rang and it was him demanding to know WHY I would have done something with him that night??  I was like “why not??”  and he said he was kicking himself now.  SMDH….

I hate it that men seem to think they need to treat me as innocent and sexually delicate.  I really like it when a man gets more aggressive about things, though a lot of guys seem to confuse that with PUSHY, which I don’t like.  I mean the two cops?  Come on, did they think I was going to cry rape after agreeing to sleep in a hotel room with 3 men?  Um, not unless I’d blatantly told them NO and they kept pushing or something. 

Speaking of pushy, this young guy that I slept with last year keeps harassing me to see him tonight.  His texting is driving me nuts.  Just another reason I’m not that into the younger guys.  I told him sorry I couldn’t make it tonight and he just keeps pushing and pushing and asking why and saying he can come over and help me with whatever needs to get done.

I don’t like dealing with the immaturity and even though he’s really cute I just don’t have the desire to fuck him.  When I did it felt weird, like he was too wowed by my “older woman” skills or something, haha.  He’s 13 years younger than me and it makes me feel a little bit creepy and awkward.  I really need someone who can dominate me and it’s hard to get in that mental state with someone so young.

 Really, I just am not interested in seeing him right now.  He wasn’t offering to take me anywhere and just wants to come to my house, which means extra cleaning and work that I don’t feel like doing tonight.  I want a break and the Producer will be here at a hotel tomorrow so it’s not like I won’t be getting some more sex.  So here I am writing my blog!! 😉  Hope all of you all are having a more exciting night than me!!

 

 

Plans interrupted

cancelled

The Pilot continues to be awesome and we had plans this weekend but I ended up having to cancel on him.  I was so disappointed, and worried that he would think it was that I am not interested or had decided to spend my time with someone else and was ditching him at the last moment.  Fortunately he seemed to take it pretty well. 

What happened is that my ex- husband called at the last minute saying he’d gotten an opportunity to make some money in another city this weekend and he would no longer be able to take the kids tonight.  UGH!  I made him promise that if he makes extra money he sends some to us.  He’s thousands of dollars behind on child support and even though his wages are garnished I don’t get the full amount we are supposed to each month. 

So, I should get something out of it but still it’s never fun to have plans cancelled.  We had scoped out the parties in both of our areas and decided there wasn’t anything that sounded fun enough to attend but I was going to drive up to see him and we were planning to put out a posting on the swinger site to see if any other couples wanted to hook up with us.  Otherwise we would just have some one on one good times ;).

He later admitted that he was shorter than usual on funds and that he would have been able to cover the hotel and my gas and whatever we were going to do but it would have been a stretch.  I think it’s kind of sweet that he was going to do it anyhow, lol. I guess that is a good indication that he likes me…enough to break the bank to get me to come visit, haha.  He’s mentioned before that he has this huge payment on a piece of land he is buying but it will all be paid off in a couple of months.

Anyhow, next weekend we may not get together either.  I’m due for my period soon and that could ruin the fun.  So it looks like another long wait before seeing the Pilot.  Makes for more anticipation though, right?  Gotta look on the bright side…

Meanwhile, he brought up a couple on the swinger site to me.  He has never spoken with them but had seen them around and said he thought they looked like they could be a good match for us to play with.  We’d been talking about finding another interracial couple, and they fit the bill and are in their early 30’s and attractive.

 I’d seen their pics before and sure enough they had emailed me previously but I never responded. I suck at returning emails to people on the swinger site.  Mainly, because I’m just not THAT interested in being a 3rd with a couple.  Anyhow they had told me their names and sent their regular email address.

So we decided that I would shoot them an email and ask if they would be interested in hanging out in a couple of weeks.  They responded, saying they really liked both of our profiles so it is quite possible we will all end up playing eventually.  To be continued…. 😉

The Pilot so far seems cool about stuff like this.  He, unlike the Professor, actually seems to want to be fair and make sure that I am also interested in the guy if we are going to have a four-way.  When we were discussing possibly putting out a notice on the site for this weekend I commented that he’d probably like a single girl if we didn’t match up with a couple and he asked if I might be interested in a single guy too.  I said I’d be cool with it either way and he didn’t act threatened at all, which is good.  You never know with guys but if he’s down with a MFM threesome sometime….yeah, I might be able to swing that, lol.

In the meantime, the Producer has been texting me constantly.  He’s obviously pretty into me but I’m not really feeling it.  He asked me to rate the sex with him on a scale of 1-10 and be honest.  I dodged the question.  How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?

Not to mention he kept texting me while I was shopping with a bunch of kids and when I tried to explain that he didn’t stop!  I guess when you don’t have kids of your own you don’t get it but yeah, I had a million and one things going on at once.  I was upset about the cancellation with the Pilot and the PMS doesn’t help. 

My day was just one thing wrong after another and I had so much to do but my kids wanted to set off fireworks in the driveway.  It was getting late and I realized I might not make it to the gym.  I said “I was going to work out” and my 7 year old retorted “keep dreaming, buddy”.  😛  Fireworks it was….

While I am doing all this stuff the Producer is sending pictures of his “lawn” and how nicely it was mowed when he came home. producerhouse Just happened to get a shot of his house in the background….yeah… Clearly he has a nice house.  Is he trying to turn me into a golddigger or what?  LOL   I said “it’s gorgeous” and he said “just like you”….::::gag:::

I’ve always wondered what a single person does with that much house.  I think I’d feel especially lonely with all those rooms to walk into.  Not to mention it would be pretty creepy at night! However, if he has extra cash to throw around I don’t think I’d mind it being thrown at me.  Golddigging has never been my style, but yeah, it could be tempting…

He wants to see me again later this weekend but I can’t say I’m that excited about it.  I think if my fuck buddy is in town I’d rather hook up with him.  If nothing better presents itself though…maybe.

The Jamaican

bad sex

Last night, the Jamaican man I had met at a swinger party once, while I was with the Professor, came up here to see me.  He drove 2 ½ hours and got a hotel.  In case you aren’t following the story, we had been flirting a bit at the party, via eye contact, but never hooked up.  According to the Jamaican he was upset about the Professor appearing not to want to share me at the party.

I hadn’t heard from or seen him since, until he found me the other day on Plenty of Fish.  Since then we’ve been texting and he’s called several times and seemed very interested in getting together.  It cracked me up because yesterday, before he drove up this way, he called me his “lover girl”.  Has he been reading my blog?  LMAO

In any case, this guy is a Nurse Practitioner that is not a doctor “yet”.  He is 6’6” and 265 lbs, muscular, dark skinned and nice looking with a sexy Jamaican accent.  He says he moved to the U.S.  a little over a decade ago.  He was married for a long time and has only been divorced about a year. 

The reason he joined the swinger site, according to him, was because he was seeing a woman up here occasionally and they decided they weren’t going to work out as a couple but would be good friends with some benefits.  She found out about the swinger scene here from a friend at work and called him all excited about trying it out. 

Since then he’s been to a few parties and also played with a couple of married women but he says he is losing interest in the whole scene, that it isn’t something he can see himself doing with someone he is in love with.  He does play with the wife of a guy down where he lives but he says it is a bit awkward with the guy there watching.

Anyhow, one of the guys at the party we both attended had really talked up the Jamaican’s cock size, lol.  He was going on about how he was just huge and had I seen it and it was “this thick” and was trying to find pics on the swinger site on his phone to show me.  At the time the Professor hadn’t seemed too thrilled about this conversation.  I think the guy claimed he was like 10 inches too.

Now that I’ve seen it up close and personal I’d say the length was an exaggeration.  He WAS very thick but not totally unmanageable or anything (which is good, lol).  He was also probably closer to the 7.5-8 inch range than ten inches. 

I was able to get my mouth around him well enough to give an okay blow job, I think.  Still, he was uncircumcised, which I am not used to.  I’ve only been with one other guy who was not circumcised and it was a long time ago.  I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the foreskin.  Like, should I pull it back and suck on it that way?  Or would it feel good at all to him to actually suck around it?  So I tried a little bit of both, lol. 

Back to the beginning though, he kissed me when I first walked in and I was disappointed to find I really didn’t much like his style of kissing.  He wanted to stick his tongue in my mouth and just hold it still, or suck on my tongue and bite it and bite on my lips.  Bleah.  I’m not much into kissing unless I’m really into a guy anyway, so it was like doubly weird.  I was hoping this didn’t mean he was bad in bed.

We kissed and then spent quite a bit of time talking.  The air conditioner wasn’t working in the hotel room so he had called down to the front desk and we were waiting for them to come up and fix it.  He was actually really interesting to talk to and nice and easy to get along with.  I just love his accent and hearing about Jamaica too.  He says like 90% of the people there have no jobs and that he grew up in a family with 12 kids and they are all tall like him.  Even his sisters are over 6 feet tall and some of his brothers are taller than he is. 

So, since the people still hadn’t shown up after like an hour, we went ahead and got down to it.  More of the odd kissing and then he started sucking on my boobs and I gave him a blowjob.  After that he went down on me, which felt really good and he was doing a great job but he didn’t do it long enough for me to be able to cum. 

He said he has had a vasectomy and doesn’t play with very many people so I agreed to let him go without a condom.  Maybe some would see that as reckless but in his case I feel fairly safe.  He doesn’t strike me as the wild or dishonest type at all. 

In any case, the actual sex was over in like under 3 minutes, lol.  :p  Now I know why, when he asked about seeing the videos of me and the Professor he was shocked when I said they were over an hour each and we might not have time to watch them.  Basically, he got on top of me and pumped away until he came.  I was just starting to feel good when he stopped and came inside me. 

He apologized for cumming so quickly and asked me if I came. I didn’t want to lie so I said no.  We both cleaned up a bit and then the woman from the front desk knocked at the door.

I jumped up to get dressed and he pulled on his shorts but was telling me I should just lie there in the bed with the covers over me.  I really didn’t want to be doing that when this lady came in the room, lol.  He couldn’t understand why…

So she came in and because he had to tell her to wait a minute while we got dressed anyway I think it was pretty obvious we had just been having sex, haha.  She was trying to contain a smile while she checked the air conditioner.  It still wouldn’t work so we ended up having to move next door.

In there we talked for a long time before he got on top of me again for more sex.  He asked me what would make me cum and I really didn’t know how to respond.  I hate it when guys ask me stuff like that during the act! It’s like, what would make me cum is him already knowing what to do, without having to ask because that totally turns me off. 

So he asked me what position I would like to do and I said maybe doggystyle.  We did that for a while and he asked if I would like to ride him so I did.  I really wasn’t feeling the chemistry with him and was kinda hoping the second time wouldn’t be too long either.  It was longer though and he had me lie on my back again with my legs up and it did feel good for a bit.  I never did cum though.  Thankfully he didn’t ask this time, after he again came inside me. He was one of those guys that if I started to get excited or make noise he’d ask if I was okay.  Sigh…

So after the second time he rolled onto his back and started snoring, LOUDLY.  At first he woke up for a sec and apologized for snoring and pulled me over to lay my head on his chest and went right back to even louder snoring, haha.  I managed to escape his sleep grip after a while and got up and brushed my teeth and stuff before coming back to bed and sleeping on my own side.

I was lying there and couldn’t stop thinking about the Professor.  I miss him terribly.  Sometimes I wonder if I even want to play with anyone else at all.  I had to drive past his apartment complex in the morning on the way to get my kids and I think I may have seen him driving past on the other side of the road on his way to work.  I don’t know if he saw me.

The Jamaican wanted to spoon with me in the morning and I was lying there wanting to cry.  I didn’t really want to be lying there with someone other than the Prof.  I also never showed him the videos he had asked about, partly because it would have hurt to watch them and also because I didn’t really feel like sharing that with anyone.  It’s probably a good thing because if he saw me orgasm a million times during sex with the Prof it might have made him feel pretty bad!

When I left the Jamaican said he was going to miss me.  He had also mentioned the night before that sometime he would love to have my kids and I down to his place.  He has a big house with a swimming pool and said we could have fun there.  The girl he plays with off the swinger site has been trying to get him to have a swinger party at his house but he was saying he wasn’t sure he could handle people having sex in the pool and then watching his kids play in it a couple days later without worrying about germs. 

Anyhow, he says he will call me later.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he really is a nice person and I enjoyed talking with him but not really excited about the sex.  I’m not saying I could never do it again but don’t want to lead him on to think I want a relationship or anything either.  Thankfully I have the excuse that I don’t often have Monday nights free and my ex normally doesn’t take the kids overnight so most times I can be “unavailable” for getting together. :p