Tag Archive | dating

The Evolution of Jealousy

Once upon a time I had hardly any jealousy whatsoever when dating guys. Back in those days, before having sex for the first time, relationships didn’t seem so complicated. I think a lot of females can relate to me there, but I’m not so sure about guys.

I remember my first “real” boyfriend, back in 8th grade, getting jealous. He was your typical, roguish, hotheaded, Italian guy who liked to get into fights. He was tall, muscular and looked way older than his 14 years. He was even sporting a bit of facial hair, which led my mother to think I was lying when I told her we were in the same grade at school. She was sure I was running off with an 18 year old, lol.

He was very much the stereotypical “bad boy”. I swear he totally dressed the part too, wife beaters, leather jacket, the whole 9 yards. His mom was a stripper.

We never had sex, though we tried. We were both still virgins and couldn’t quite get there so the most he ever got out of me was a hand job. Getting to see his cum spurt out for the first time was fascinating to me but that’s as far as we actually went.

Anyway, he was extremely possessive. He loved kissing me publicly in front of people and I was still a bit shy but went along with it. We got in trouble constantly at school for PDA. He’d get mad at other guys for looking my direction and once threw a desk over in class arguing with another boy over me.

I wasn’t even there but I heard about the incident later from friends who were in that class and was eventually called down to the Vice Principal’s office to discuss things as a “couple”. The Vice Principal was so sure that our relationship wasn’t going to last that he promised to personally take us out to a steak dinner if we could manage to date the rest of the year without breaking up. Yeah, he won that one, lol. I got sick with the flu for 3 days and couldn’t make it to school so he “cheated” on me with another girl and started dating her instead.

That being my first “real” breakup, I was pretty upset, and even cried, but it never occurred to me to blame the other girl. Well, it never occurred to me until I went back to school and my girlfriends were talking trash on her. Before that I was pretty sure it was all HIS fault.

I was sad and hurt and hadn’t really concerned myself with WHO the other girl was, but my female friends were on it. They mocked, snubbed, and played all sorts of emotional revenge games on the girl who “stole” my boyfriend. Of course they were trying to protect and “help” me, so I didn’t try to stop them and eventually came to see her as the enemy as well. I’m pretty sure she got branded as a “slut” around school due to that incident.

She and I never became friends but I went on to date (and have sex with) his best friend and HE proceeded to date all my girlfriends, one by one (yeah those same ones, but it didn’t bother me because, well, they were my FRIENDS, you know). It’s funny how behaviors are accepted when they come from people we know versus those we don’t. I’ve learned all too well how it feels to be on the other side of the coin since then, and to have all kinds of haters who know nothing about me, save the possibility that I have had sex with a guy they like. Of course no one demands evidence in cases like that.

Gosh, come to think of it I’ve been the recipient of female jealousy and hating A LOT when it was undeserved. I’ve been accused of things and sleeping with guys I never touched and even been threatened with a baseball bat and had a carful of much bigger, older girls try to jump me. The guy I was with had to step between me and them and physically ward them off.

In any case, women can be extremely jealous at times. Sad to say I eventually got there myself, and to a point I’m almost ashamed to admit. It took me a long time though. Many years of dating, having sex and being cheated on, and of being the person who was the target of all the jealousy and rage passed before I really started to understand how they were feeling.

I’d actually trace back the development of jealousy in my mind to one particular guy. HE was extremely jealous himself, to the point that it was just ridiculous. Any time a guy so much as looked at me, or stood too close, he would threaten them with their life, and people were scared of him because of who he was and his reputation in the community. That’s what I got for dating a guy who was a well known drug dealer in the area. Even the cops feared him.

Anyway, he cheated on me right and left. Any time I would turn my back he would be hitting on another girl, and I mean that literally. If we were out in public and I stepped aside for a minute to use the restroom or to walk across the room for any reason, he would be trying to get someone else’s number. He tried to hit on my close friends, on EVERYONE. It really messed with me emotionally. I couldn’t trust him at ALL. It made me question whether or not I could trust my own friends. He once went over to my best friend at the time’s house and caused she and I to get into an actual fist fight.

You might wonder WHY I stayed with this guy, but every time I tried to break up with him (and that was often) he would passionately fight to keep the relationship. He claimed to be madly in love with me. He’d apologize, he’d lie, he’d give me expensive gold jewelry and beg me to stay, even threatening suicide if I left him.

Then he’d say I COULDN’T break up with him even if I tried, that he wouldn’t LET me. He’d declare to everyone everywhere that I was “his” girl and that no one had better come near me. I once had a guy I didn’t even know, at a party, tell me not to stand too close to him because he didn’t want to die. SMH. It got to the point where he would literally stalk me after I’d attempted to break up with him. He’d even have his friends “looking out” for me and messing things up for me if I tried to talk to other guys at the club when I went out (never mind that I was actually sleeping with some of those friends during our “breakups”, they still put on a front of helping him out). They’d go up to whatever guy I was talking to and tell him I had a boyfriend whilst looking intimidating. Gee thanks guys. :p

Of course I was also emotionally involved at that point and did a few crazy things myself! He once walked out of a house party on me with another girl and I flipped. The guys working the door restrained me from going out after them and wouldn’t let me leave but I found her car in a parking lot later and smashed it up in a drunken rage. Some of the things I did that night aren’t even repeatable, but let me tell you it’s not stuff I am proud of and there were other incidents.

There’s so much more to that volatile relationship and thankfully I’ve never had another like it before or after, but I did really struggle with jealousy afterwards. It became difficult to trust guys for even little things because I’d spent a year and a half on and off with this guy who put me through the emotional wringer.

When I went away to college (and old dude was safely away in prison, finally, on drug charges and terroristic threat of a police officer) I tried to date a completely opposite type of guy. I had some insecurities and paranoia about being cheated on by that point. Even then, one of the first guys I was with and I were sitting watching the movie “Basic Instinct” with Sharon Stone in someone’s parents lake house and I remember him commenting that his old girlfriend had gotten angry with him for watching the sex scene in that movie. I was totally bewildered. Why would she be upset about actors on a screen?

I didn’t find out the answer to that question until I dated my ex-husband. I saw him as this upstanding guy who would “never” think of cheating yet I became that woman I never wanted to be, the Jealous Bitch. I wonder now if my insecurities weren’t amplified by the fact that he really WASN’T that attracted to me but I was sooo paranoid! I was positive, every time he so much as LOOKED at another woman that he was plotting to leave me. Pictures in a magazine became a very real seeming threat to me, due to his self -proclaimed “porn addiction”. Even watching a movie I was concerned about who he was looking at. Now I knew what it was like to be that girlfriend who worried while watching a sensual movie. Every time another woman so much as talked to him or stood too close, I was filled with fear. It was bad. Really bad. Yet, years later I look back on some of those incidents and wonder if my intuition wasn’t telling me something about him that I didn’t want to admit. The man was NOT really into me, it was a front, but he asked me to marry him anyway.

Anyhow, I like to think I am long over it. I have come SUCH a long way and got so much better at not being jealous as my marriage wore on. Some of it though, was due to loss of feeling and a connection. Somehow now, I am managing to take part in an OPEN relationship but I can’t say I never worry. Still if the Professor sits there and tells me he thinks some naked woman on the swinger site is “hot” I am relatively unaffected. Yay!

I kinda wonder about him though, lol. Last night we were watching Criminal Minds and he was surprised that I knew Shemar Moore’s last name. Well yeah, lmao, he’s pretty damn good looking!! Especially, when you compare him to the entire rest of the cast, lol, it’s like DAMN HE IS HOT, haha. He finally admitted that if he had to comment on a guy that he agrees with that one. Mmmm….yeah….as I was saying….

So how about you? How has jealousy or not affected your life? Do you struggle with it? Is your relationship closed or open? I think it’s a very real emotion and something we all have to deal with and face at some point in our life.

USED…for phone sex, once again

I’ve been used for phone sex, more than once, by random strangers. There was the guy who I met on Plenty of Fish. He was funny over email and good looking. I thought I’d like him and we were supposed to go out on a date that night. Instead, he called me from an anonymous number, which he said was his hotel room. Also, his phone had overheated in the sun and then been dropped in a toilet, or something like that. He proceeded to ask me questions about my favorite sexual positions. I couldn’t really answer, I told him, because I was holding a toddler and my kids were close by. That was okay, just answer yes or no. 😉

So I did, as he apparently was jacking off and getting very excited. He told me what a sexy voice I have. I know right? While I’m standing there giving blunt “yes” or “no” answers to questions like “do you like doggystyle?” and trying to attend to my fussy little one. I’m sure that was super hot, lol. Then suddenly, it was all over. Clearly he had cum. He said goodbye and hung up, never to be heard from again. So much for the date! I guess it wasn’t necessary now.

Then there was the 50 something guy I met at the grocery store. The one who wanted me to check and see if any of his eggs were cracked, and followed me out to my car, hounding for my number. He said I looked like “an angel”. He was actually pretty attractive for his age and I admired his ballsy approach so I gave it to him. Oops. Turns out he was more cracked than any egg in the basket. Total stalker material, but I managed to avoid giving him the actual location of my home when he asked. Anyhow, he would call me on the phone from DIFFERENT NUMBERS, constantly, so I couldn’t block him, wanting to “talk”, which actually meant listening to me try and deflect him while he got off. He’d try to get me to call him “master” and go on about all the things he was going to do to me. I’d be like “um, I have to go” and he’d say “wait, wait, not yet” and keep talking. Wow.

I’ve never really been big on phone sex. I mean, virtually always, the guy gets off first and then he is done, so what’s the point? Half the time I’m not even doing what they think I am. I’m totally just letting him play with himself while I listen. Usually, it’s just listen because he’s the one going on about what he’s gonna do to me, lol. So “oh yeah” and “mmmm” are sufficient answers for the guys I actually like, and “yes” and “no” apparently work too. Hell, I guess “look, dude, I can’t talk right now” is pretty hot as well, as far as some guys are concerned.

I don’t know that I have a particularly sexy voice, though I have been told I do. One guy, who worked the phone line for a hotel chain told me I should be a phone sex operator. I was trying to book a room so that I could attend a funeral. Seriously? Makes you wonder. Like, wonder if any female voice will do for a horny guy.

So today, the Love of My Life calls me up. I haven’t talked to him on the phone for a while so it was kind of a surprise. He’s lying in bed and not going to work today, he says. I start telling him how the police showed up at my door this morning with my 12 year old and his friend, in handcuffs. They were caught climbing in the back of a tree trimming truck. He expresses appropriate sympathy then starts talking about what he wants to do to me.

I’m not really participating but I guess it was enough. I could hear him stroking furiously in the background and got quiet. Pretty soon it was over and he says I should be careful because I could get caught by my kids. Caught doing what? LOL I was sitting on my bathroom floor, with the fan on, listening to him and that’s about it. I hadn’t claimed otherwise. Then he announces “well, I’d better go take a shower now honey, talk to you later”. LMAO Did the Love of My Life just stoop to the same level as random dude from Plenty of Fish? Hahahaha

I feel so used!! 😉 I’m just playing, really I think it’s kind of funny. I’ve tried to participate in phone sex sessions in the past but it’s just never done it for me, which I guess is odd because I LOVE the sound of a guy’s voice when we are having sex. I just want to be actually having sex.

Yes, sometimes distance can make the real thing an unreality for the moment, and talking on the phone (when I don’t have kids around) can be nice and even dabbling into a sexual conversation. I’m more likely to go and masturbate on my own afterwards than to actually be able to cum while talking to him though. Its hard for me to find the time to relax and get into it. Maybe that’s due to being a mom, but I never really liked phone sex that much when I was younger either.

So I guess I’m not a fun phone sex friend. Not that men seem to mind. Apparently we could be talking about politics, or the weather, or bills and they would get all hot. Cracks me up! Am I alone here? Ladies do you enjoy phone sex? Guys, what is the deal? Are the words “yes” and “no” really sufficient enough to fuel your fapping fantasies? SMH….