Tag Archive | control

Thoughts on submission

submission

Lately I’ve been pondering some things about dominance and submission.  Now, before you get too excited, realize I’ve never considered myself as a part of the BDSM community.  I really don’t know a whole lot about it, just read little bits here and there. 

I find it somewhat fascinating but at the same time scary sounding.  I’m not fond of being in pain or hurting anyone so that part doesn’t sound appealing to me.  I see things like floggers, electric shockers, and nipple clamps and I’m thinking OMG, no, not for me!

I had a chance to talk with a male friend once who had gone to his very first BDSM convention.  He talked about some of the workshops and about people who wore latex masks over their heads and all kinds of things I had never heard of (at the time) that were happening.  It was very interesting, but for me pretty much stopped there. 

That’s not to say I’m not curious.  I’m curious about things like what it would be like to be tied up or blindfolded.  I wonder just how much spanking I could handle (I do like that!).  All in all, my thoughts about it are pretty tame, compared to what I know is out there, and I’ve probably only scratched the surface as far as reading and learning about BDSM.

I find the idea of power play a little more intriguing than the pain aspect.  I’ve experienced some of that with my lovers and it has turned me on.  Some things that come more naturally, and don’t require props or safewords, have been part of my sex life on many of occasions. 

I’ve always been really turned on by men that are very dominant in bed.  Not mean though, it doesn’t excite me when someone calls me names or gets overly rough.  No, I like them passionate in an almost romantic way in the bedroom.  Passionate and in control, but still very affectionate and focusing on getting ME off, rather than their own selfish desires, that will get satisfied in the end anyhow.

I guess that’s a pretty tall order.  Maybe I am spoiled because I have found men who have been able to give me that very thing.  As few and far between as they may be, I’m becoming more adroit at identifying those that can satisfy the cravings of my mind and body. 

Recently, when I was having dinner with a man I have met at some swinger parties and a couple he was here visiting; the topic of choking came up.  None of them found it to be a sexual turn on.  I said that I had thought I never would either, but when it actually happened during sex, it turned me on much more than expected.  They looked at me like I’d grown another head!  LOL

Yet, it’s true.  I had always thought I would hate being choked during sex.  I was terrified of the idea.  Yet the first time a man did it to me in the bedroom, I came.  It was actually right before I met the married man who made me cum so many times in a row and it was mild in comparison, but it happened.  It was with my FWB who does have a tendency to like a little roughness between the sheets. When I told Mr. Firm of our dinner conversation he laughed and said a lot of women say one thing but in bed like another. He was like “I could tell you liked that”.

It calls to mind memories of the guy who was my very favorite sex partner as a teenager.  We hated each other’s guts!  Pretty much anyway, lol.  Yet, the sex was addicting.  We’d come back to fucking again and again, despite the way we treated one another outside the bedroom. 

I’ve mentioned him a few times on my blog.  The first time we had sex it was actually forced and as part of a bunch of guys pulling a train on me, one that I didn’t want to participate in.  I had willingly slept with the first guy but HE was the 2nd, the one who got on top of me and wouldn’t get off or allow me to get dressed.  He wouldn’t take no for an answer and slowly inched his way in, despite my protests, all while confusing me even more with the things he was whispering in my ear.

 Despite the fact that I was adamant about not wanting to have sex with him, he was deliberately turning me on.  He knew what he was doing and I can guarantee that wasn’t the only time he’s done it.  It happened again, a second time, where they pulled a train on me and he was again the person that pushed it.  The first time we were in a park and the police showed up before the guys scattered and the second we were in a house and I was alone in a room on the couch with the other guy before he came in. 

Those were actually fairly traumatic experiences for me emotionally but like I have said before I continued to have sex with him.  Outwardly, I couldn’t stand this guy.  I couldn’t stand his asshole attitude (I even call him The Asshole in one of my blog posts, My Deep, Dark Past).  He was a real jerk and we would be at each other’s THROATS in arguments. 

I can remember one time, being at a party in this guy’s backyard and we got into it.  We were yelling and cussing at one another over something and he suddenly picked me up off the ground and started walking.  I was actually a little scared of what he was about to do.  He picked me up and carried me down those basement steps, stopping to pretend he was going drop me every once in a while, causing me to scream and hang onto his neck. 

When we got to the bed, he threw me on it and started pulling off my clothes.  I didn’t say no that time but he took exactly what he wanted and it got a little rough.  He was shoving my face down on the pillow and at some point a couple guys came down and were watching.  It was hot!! 😉  LOL

There was another time we had been dropped off at this Mexican drug dealer’s house and were stuck there all night.  All the bedrooms were occupied and he and I were in the living room, fighting like cats and dogs.  One of the Mexican guys finally came out of his room and threw a pair of boxing gloves at us, telling us to shut up already and just duke it out.  Haha.

Later, some really creepy, crackhead looking motherfuckers with missing teeth came to the house and we were stuck with them too, in the living room.  They were adults and we were still really kids and these guys were leering and hitting on me.  I was scared, but The Asshole actually stood up for me, backed me up against the wall behind him and was cussing them out and threatening them. 

We ended up having sex after that, on the floor in another room and all the tension was relieved.  He let me sleep up next to him, with his arm out across me to ward off the bad guys, lol. 😉 He’s really not all that bad, though he did spend some years in prison after being tried as an adult for holding up someplace with a gun, soon after.

The day before that happened was the last time I ever touched him.  He came up behind me, while I was standing in a front yard at this guy’s house and put me in a choke hold with a loaded gun up against my head.  He said “don’t move or I’ll shoot”.  I said “you wouldn’t shoot me”.  He cocked the gun and pulled his arm tighter around my throat “say I won’t!!”  I said “you’d miss me too much” and he was like “say I won’t do it” and looked me in the eye. I said “do it then” and turned my cheek toward him. He stood there. “Come on then, do it! I dared him. He kind of smirked and put down the gun.  I could tell by the look in his eyes he could never go through with that ;). 

He’s on my Facebook now and he’s married and life has changed, but I told that story to illustrate how early on in life I was already getting off a little bit on a power exchange dynamic.  It was hot!!  He was great in bed for how young we were and despite being rather forceful would turn into an almost totally different person with the passion and affection and things he would say to me (he loved to talk during sex).

Nowadays I have come to realize just how much I ENJOY a man taking control in the bedroom and that feeling of helplessness.  All of my favorite men have at some point called me “really submissive”.  I hope, and think, that means they like it!  LOL  My ex- husband sure didn’t, because he was the same way. 

I’ve struggled a bit, with the whole being submissive thing, because I know I am and that naturally that is just me.  However, so many people seem to equate it with weakness.  If I’m honest I would say that actually in a way I do too.  My ex husband’s submissiveness was a total turn off to me.  I didn’t want a man to act weak in the bedroom. 

So I wonder, if men really even like that?  I sometimes feel like I am not DOING anything and wonder why men still say I am good in bed.  Do some people actually enjoy and LIKE it when someone is letting them call all the shots?  I know there are guys that do, it’s just so hard for me to picture being on the other end of that.

Mr. Firm always says I fuck him just the way he “needs”.  I love that he tells me that but am a little puzzled by what he actually means.  I find HIM very fulfilling because he is that perfect combination of dominant and sweet and he can make me cum again and again.  I’m quite happy to be on the receiving end of all that, lol. 😉

He said recently that I am so submissive he can’t picture me being dominant, even with another woman.  I had to think about that for a minute because I am pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be, but at the same time the idea of submitting to another female kind of gives me a pause.  I don’t think I would want to!  Not really.  I have an inkling that if a woman started trying to tell me what to do in bed it would piss me off!   I’m happier and more comfortable with something equal.

I think the reason it is different with men has something to do with just loving to see all that masculine POWER.  I don’t desire that from a woman.  I love when a guy can just take me and do whatever he wants, but where I trust him enough to know he also wouldn’t really hurt me.

From me, I guess I’d also say submission to someone is a gift.  I don’t act like that with just anyone.  I mean, I don’t boss any guy around in the bedroom, but for me to actively and willingly “submit” there has to be trust involved.  Still, that is where I am at my happiest.  If I can’t get to that point with a man then the sex doesn’t become truly spectacular.

I’m curious to hear from men or women who LOVE being dominant in bed.  What is it that turns you on about a person submitting to you?  When I try to dig up info from that side of the spectrum, there is very little, even on the world wide web!  Lots of people can describe what they love about someone dominating them but what about in reverse?  Why do you like it?  Is there anything a “submissive” person can do to make you like it even more?

The Power of a Penis

A man who is good in bed has so much power it’s scary. Alexyss Tylor is not kidding when she says “dick will make you wanna slap somebody”, LMAO! No, I’ve never slapped a guy during sex but yeah, never underestimate the power of good dick. It can and does make women act crazy sometimes.

Now men are frequently saying how much power pussy has on them so I guess it can work both ways, but I really think a man who knows what he is doing in bed is at much more of an advantage point than a woman could ever hope to be. For one, men are (usually) the dominant force in the bedroom and the woman becomes completely vulnerable and is at the mercy of whatever he wants to do to her. At least that is the power dynamic I am speaking of. I realize there are dominant women out there but I am definitely not one of them and am very naturally submissive in bed and love a dominant man, so that is the position I understand these things from. I’m not even talking from a BDSM perspective because I don’t have much experience with that, but I’d imagine the feelings in that case would be AMPLIFIED.

I’ve been thinking about these things after sex last night with the Professor. He is SO FREAKING GOOD in bed that it scares me. Just seeing the complete change in myself, my feelings and emotions and demeanor after sleeping with him makes me afraid because I know I am giving up control.

It’s not that he is a bad person to give that to. I think actually, that he is a really good man. Every time I’ve worried that he has been dishonest I’ve been proved to be WRONG. He’s been honest to a fault and I know it’s me and my trust issues that are more of a problem than anything with him. Of course he’s human and has his own issues but as far as being trustworthy, I think he is. I’m just not very experienced in the realm of trusting anyone for anything, really. It’s something I really have to work at learning to do but at the same time I’m wondering if I should do that or if it’s even wise to let down your guard that way because the truth usually is that people end up getting hurt when they do.

Also, there is the issue of him being emotionally involved with another woman. I don’t know to what extent but I know she is in love with HIM and he claims not to compare or pick favorites. That, to me, is a reason to try and hold back because I’m afraid of being all in love with someone that I know is seeing someone else and all the feelings that brings and what I have to deal with emotionally when he is with her. I don’t have the security of him just being into ME so I don’t really want to hand over my whole heart.

Let’s be real. I’m at the point where almost any sexual interaction of him with another female is going to stress me out. I can logically handle it but not so much emotionally. I don’t think it would be quite so much a problem in a swinging situation where we are all in the same room but separately or where I know or think there is an emotional connection, yeah, that is just plain hard.

I’m sure a lot of people are wondering why the Hell I would continue to agree to an open relationship then. The truth is though that I feel better KNOWING that it is open and knowing he will let me know, than WONDERING if he is out doing things behind my back, which is so often the case in a regular, monogamous relationship. I feel better when I can get honesty and reassurance afterwards than when I have to deal with suspicion and denial.

I LIKE HIM enough to have a monogamous relationship. If I were having sex with him a little more often I think I could go for a long, long time without seeing anyone else, if he were too. Still, I have enough foresight to know that those feelings wouldn’t last forever and that eventually one or both of us would get bored and want to feel excitement with another person. I also enjoy the thrill of trying new things and people so swinging occasionally is fun. It’s more fun though if I know I’m his absolute favorite person and that is what I want to be because at this point, he is mine. Right now there is still uncertainty in the other direction.

So anyway, back to last night. We have been emailing for a while with this Latino couple that we may hook up with sometime. Actually, they had been in contact with HIM for a long time but he said she never showed any real interest in him and they never met up. According to him, it’s only when he brought ME into the equation that they had more motivation to want to get together.

She is one of these “hotwives” that sleeps with lots of well –endowed, black men. I’ve seen pictures of her doing so. The professor fits the bill in that he is, in fact, a well- endowed, black, man, lol but I think there are things about him that maybe don’t fit the fantasy for some women in that regard. He’s more like the male version of a nerdy librarian (that is freaking sexy with his clothes off) than the stereotype of this big, buff, powerful black man that is going to come and do whatever to her. He IS very dominant in the bedroom but he’s also very much a “nice guy”. He’s not really intimidating and I think that is part of the fantasy for some people. I don’t know because I don’t totally “get” that fetish and think it objectifies black men too much and it creeps me out a bit in that regard (even though I am white and have slept with plenty of black guys, I just don’t look at it the same way I guess. Hell, I could write a whole nother blog post about how I feel about that, maybe someday).

The male half of the Latino couple says his wife has gotten hers but he hasn’t gotten his. So after the Professor told them about me they wanted to meet with me ALONE for a FMF threesome. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that just yet. I know the Professor wouldn’t have appreciated it, since he’s the one that mentioned bringing me along for the fun and he thanked me for not wanting to exclude him. I don’t know if they have swapped with other COUPLES but the Professor thinks they have.

Anyhow, we talked about meeting up for drinks last night but I was the only one who would have to leave early, due to needing to pick up my kids. They couldn’t meet until after 8:00 and I had to leave by 8:30 so it wasn’t gonna work out. The Professor said that he still wanted to see me alone and that is what he had just assumed we would do and that sounded great. Then the Latino husband sends me this email saying his WIFE wants to know if I am going to meet up with the Professor alone. I said yes and he sends back a sad face.

I wondered what that was about and why she wanted to know. Was she going to try and meet up with him anyway if I wasn’t? Then it started to just rub me the wrong way and I was feeling confused. The husband had told me before that she still wanted to meet up with him separately, but that was before they tried to meet with ME alone and I said no.

So THEN the Professor texts me and “jokes” that maybe they can just come WATCH us have sex instead. I was like WTF? How are they gonna have time to watch if they don’t have time to get together for drinks? It started to really upset me and I figured he must be plotting to have them come over right before I leave (since they couldn’t come till after 8 and I had to leave at 8:30 and he had been told that) so that he could sleep with her after I left. Yeah, it was some insecurity and paranoia on my part.

Long story short, I got upset and gave him some drama about it. At first he was like I don’t even know what you are talking about and then he just started ignoring me and wouldn’t respond so I got MORE upset. Looking back I can see I was being irrational but at the time not so much because I was all in my feelings. He only responded to me to tell me he was too “pissed off” to meet up with me and that was not what I wanted to hear and just made it worse because I thought he might be saying that just so he could meet up with her and have an excuse to blow me off.

So, it wasn’t an extreme amount of drama really, considering, but I did send a handful of angry, emotional, insecure sounding, texts. He later said he ignored me because he knew arguing with me or explaining anything at that point was not going to help, and of course he is probably right. He says he was pissed at my lack of trust for him because he thinks he has shown me that he is good and a trustworthy person and again he is right. Trusting a man is a real challenge for me, even when I logically know it’s probably okay. He said he wasn’t going to put up with that and I said then maybe I am not a good person for you to be involved with, but he said that’s not what he meant.

We ended up having that conversation on the phone, both of us calmed down and I came over to his house. He gave me some of his Chinese food he had gone out to get and I was able to stay out later than expected so we sat and talked for a while, then had some really hot sex, which is what prompted me to write this blog.

THE SEX. OH MY GOD. He is wayyyyy too good in bed!! The emotional affect it has on me is incredible too. He’s very loving in the bedroom and very affectionate but also very dominant and in control of everything and knows exactly how to tease and push all my buttons and make me feel like I have no choice but to give him complete control. It turns me on, MASSIVELY, but when I’m back in my head I’m scared by the power of it all.

The fear comes from the knowledge that someone can have that huge of an effect on me and controlling my emotional state and making me vulnerable in that way. In bed I have NO CHOICE but to trust him because he is bigger and stronger and putting me in vulnerable positions and pinning me down and making me cum for him over and over and over again. I’m so far deep into a sex trance it’s like I’m hypnotized. At that point I would do ANYTHING he wanted.

I kept looking up at his face and the way he was smiling, the look in his eyes, you can tell he really gets off on knowing what he is doing to me. He does all sorts of things with his cock and like Alexyss mentions in one of her videos, he puts it ALL THE WAY in and holds it there for a bit until he can see I am uncomfortable and he just really knows what the hell he is doing. Yeah, it’s scary, LMAO. 😉

After sex he is perfect too. He’s very, very, affectionate and holds me and cuddles and kisses and makes me feel very happy and satisfied…and loved, whether he feels that or not. I am at that point, completely docile and affectionate and submissive to him. I just love laying there and stroking his chest and face and kissing him and listening to him talk with my head on his shoulder, all safe and warm and fuzzy. I’m still, halfway through the next day, on a high from that experience, and all lovey- dovey feeling. I love it!!! But at the same time…..gotta watch out for that PENIS POWER! LMAO 😉