Tag Archive | comparisons

Sampling the Continental Platter

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I’ve slept with 7 different guys in the past 2 weeks, though only one was brand new. That doesn’t even count the Married Man, who I haven’t had a chance to fuck lately,or the Host, who hit me up, but I’ve kind of avoided.

I’m starting to wonder if I should slow it down. Not that I mind all the sex, but part of me wonders if this is really okay, or if my sex sprees are unhealthy. Then again, maybe I’m just buying into society’s unfair standards for sexual behavior, especially when it comes to women.

Granted, there were a couple of sexual experiences in there that I didn’t really enjoy. Still I wouldn’t have known that for sure unless I tried them. For example, the Englishman.

I met this guy off the swinger site. He had attractive, professional looking pictures and said something about how he speaks 4 different languages. When he emailed I was already drowning in dick, but I was like this guy is kinda hot, why not?

So I responded, by text, while I was sitting in the shop waiting on my vehicle to be fixed. Then I promptly forgot about it. Mere minutes later, as I was driving, I recieved a call from an unknown number. The caller ID showed a suspicious looking, foreign sounding, name.

When I answered I wasn’t particularly friendly. I was thinking it was probably some Nigerian scam artist. I hadn’t realized from the guy’s pictures that he was not an American. He identified himself and said that he is from England. His accent seemed to prove that. He’d just moved here 7 months ago, supposedly to go to law school.

He was sort of abrupt and didn’t want to beat around the bush. He wanted to meet for sex and I hemmed and hawed for a minute because of his lack of manners or attempts to get to know me first. He said he found me attractive and didn’t I like his pictures and we should get together to fuck.

I commented, “but you haven’t even seen my face yet”. He didn’t think that mattered and just wanted to meet up. I found an excuse to get off the phone and ignored several of his other calls and texts, over the next few days, while I thought about it. I responded to some of them but he was seeming pushy and I don’t like that.

Okay, his pictures were attractive enough. He had a few validations on the site but mostly they just said he was the man in the pictures, or that they had met him at a party. Still, why not? What was holding me back? He was right, he was attractive enough to fuck on a physical level, and then you have the added excitement of someone new and different, from another country, and even with a kind of cool accent.

I decided to go ahead and give it a whirl, but I said I would need to meet him someplace in public first. He wasn’t real thrilled with that but said we could meet at a Starbucks near his house. I got an address from him and put it in the GPS on my phone.

I don’t know why it didn’t register that he probably wouldn’t have the exact street address for Starbucks but I was confused when my GPS took me to an apartment complex instead. Grrrr…. He met me in the parking lot.

I said I thought we were going to Starbucks first and he said oh yeah, we could. Did I want to follow him or could he just ride with me? I’m thinking, this motherfucker does not have a car and this is his little game to get me to give him a ride. So I said I’d rather follow him (to see what he would do). He said, come on, couldn’t I see he was a decent guy?

I begrudginly relented, after a bit of begging, and let him in my van. He didn’t even know where a Starbucks was, but said his roommate told him there was one close by. I put it in my GPS and the closest one was 8 minutes away. He tried to wheedle his way out of going but I wasn’t about to let him get away without at least a $3 drink, after all that.

He paid for our drinks, though I suspect he was less than thrilled about it, and we sat down at a table outside. According to him, he is 33, works as a personal trainer and does a little modeling on the side. When pressed about law school, he claimed he is studying to take the Bar exam online.

He was very proud of the pictures he has on the site and was like “now can you see that is really me?” I was wondering why I would even doubt that. I mean they look professional but what was the big deal? He said he is doing a shoot for GQ in 3 months, in New York, and has to spend a lot of time getting ready.

I mean, okay, I can believe that part, I guess. The pics he has on there do look a bit GQish. My former brother in law works as a personal trainer/model and is poor as hell on his own (though he has a rich boyfriend). He travels to New York for stuff like that too and is in magazines like Men’s Health.

Whatever. I mean I can see that he has features that some of those magazines would appreciate but I know guys I think are hotter that aren’t “models”. His conceit and incessant bragging were annoying too. He asked me if he was my “type,” obviously referring to his looks and I was like uh, I guess, though I don’t really know what your personality is like yet. He couldn’t understand and said I was gorgeous and clearly his type.

I asked about swinger parties he has been to and he claimed he never has. He said he doesn’t need those to get laid and all he has to do is walk into a bar and the women are all over him. He’d only signed up because of a friend telling him about it and wasn’t impressed. I guess he forgot there are people saying they met him at a party, ON his profile!

He claimed he’d just had a threesome a couple of days ago, with two women. They thought he was so hot that they had invited him back to their house. A likely story….

We finished our drinks and he suggested we go back to his place so I could give him a massage. Inwardly, I was rolling my eyes. EVERY single time a guy has suggested starting things off with a massage for HIM, he has turned out to suck in bed. I should have known, and I suspected, but I went along with it anyhow.

Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t that impressed with him. I guess it was because I was already there, he was decent enough looking and I was curious to see how an English guy was in bed? Maybe he would surprise me? Sorry, folks from the UK, but he didn’t represent, lol. You all may have to help him out here…

He had an average looking apartment, which he said he shared with a guy from Israel who wasn’t there at the moment. We went directly back to his room, where he put some music on his notepad and stripped down to his boxer briefs. He lay on the bed and told me it was all mine and I could come and get it.

God, he was so full of himself. Like he thought he was just supposed to lie there and display his dick and I would get all excited about it. Modeling, for me. Yippeeee…..

I had to push him to wear a condom, but he did. He asked if he had the biggest dick I’d ever seen. Uh, yeah, sure, lol. I mean he was bigger than average but nothing I’ve never experienced before.

It was over quickly and somewhere in there he called himself my “boy”. Ack! Afterwards, he wanted to cuddle and tell me that he was thinking about a serious relationship. HELP! I wanted to get out of there sooo badly, lol. He said he was developing feelings and falling for me, even though he wasn’t expecting that.

According to him the sex was incredible. I always wonder about that. Can it really be that great for one person and not the other? I have my doubts.

Come on dude. More like you want a green card. Or a sugar mama, at the very least. NOT gonna happen. WRONG woman, lol. The last thing I want is a “boy”.

I ignored his calls and texts after and thankfully there were only a couple. I was afraid he’d be the stalker type. Whew.

There are more stories to tell but I don’t have time at the moment. Bad sex with the Bodybuilder, who also wants something serious with me, as does the Poly guy (similar experience number two with him and his girlfriend), and the other guy, who I will call Mr. Shady, he claims to want to commit to me too, after he and his girlfriend break up, in a few months. Give me a break!

My commitment issues are going into overdrive. I don’t want ANYBODY tying me down right now!! Did I seriously write something about wanting “more” not too long ago? SMFH…. What was I thinking??

The guys that I am happiest with are mostly taken already. What’s sad is that is sort of a relief for me.

Well, other than the Cohort. When we are together he is making me laugh so hard my sides hurt too. I mean, I could see something more there and he has kind of hinted at it but he already knows what I am up to and is doing his own thing as well, so I don’t think I have to worry about being overly restricted there.

He’s like “you are like a guy when it comes to sex”. LOL I feel that way sometimes too. I don’t think I am masculine in most ways, but sometimes I wonder if my sex drive is abnormal. I’ve always felt like I wanted it just as much, or more than the guys I have been with.

I know there are other women out there in a similar boat, but they seem few and far between. Or maybe they are just covering it up better. I do hear some wild stories about swinger women.

I actually felt kind of prude the other day when a couple of different people were talking about tying me up and I didn’t feel comfortable. I’ve always kind of wanted to try that but I’m paranoid unless its someone I feel safe with and trust. Comparatively, it seems like a lot of these swinger women are doing all kinds of wild and crazy things all the time.

Seems like every time I hear about a swinger woman she’s tied up and having an anal gangbang with complete strangers, while they slap her in the face and call her a bitch. Mr. Firm says that’s just because I only hear the extreme stories and most women aren’t doing that. I guess he would know. 😉 The Cohort says if he ever meets a woman who wants an anal gangbang he is going to pick up the phone and call me right then and there, lol.

So maybe what I’m imagining in my head and comparing myself to, isn’t reality. I still haven’t been tied up or handcuffed, but maybe someday. The Cohort did have me wear a collar during sex the other day, lmao.

I came over and he had two wine glasses sitting on the coffee table for us, each one inside a studded leather collar. One said “slut” and the other said “bitch”. He said “pick one” and I was like oookayyy…I’ll take “slut,” I guess, lol. He said, “I knew it! Everyone picks that one”. “Everyone??” I asked. You have “everyone” that comes over here wear that?? He shook his head at me and said no, not “everyone” but a select few. Haha

I finally put it on though, along with the body stocking he had gotten me off Amazon, that looks like this (I picked it out-its crotchless with cute little bows up the back). He thought it looked hot and we had fun, but no tying up, yet…. 😉

The Pilot vs the Professor

JDNewPilot VS professor

So the Prof texted me again last night.  He said he hoped my kids enjoyed the gifts and that he still misses talking to me, then a sad face, and goodnight.  I didn’t know how to respond or what to say.  Of course I miss him too.  I hurt for the past couple months over all this.

Part of me just wants to forgive and forget and be with him again.  Yet that seems like it would be foolish because he’s already hurt me.  Why wouldn’t he do it again?  Has anything changed?

I’m sure he’s still talking to that married woman, the one he said he values more than me.  He’s obviously been with a few different women off the swinger site.  He has been looking at my profile again today so I looked back and he’s gotten a handful of validations from women in the past couple months that sound like he probably slept with them. 

So why now?  Several weeks ago, when we texted back and forth, he really didn’t appear interested.  Is he going through a dry spell and reminiscing or what? 

Men do this every time though.  EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME.  If they “break up” with you in some form or another they always come back.  Like one man said “like swallows to Capistrano, men always return”.  I love that saying because it’s sooo true. Without fail. So predictable.

I still have some feelings for him, yeah, but I don’t know if I want him to see that.  I don’t know that I want to make myself vulnerable to him ever again.  I finally texted back about an hour later with a face like this “ :/ “.  That was the last of our conversation, then him looking at my profile. 

Maybe he’s coming to some realizations.  Maybe he’s remembering that I pretty much always treated him well or that the sex was better than what he’s getting now.  Maybe he’s seeing that I was worth more, and have more value, than he gave me credit for.  Maybe now though, it’s too late.

See, because now, I have got new people in MY life.  The Pilot has just been really cool and a lot of fun.  Plus he puts ME first as far as I can tell, and not some lame old married lady.  Yes, he goes and and fucks around and does whatever, but I haven’t felt threatened by it.  He knows that exact same married woman too because she has validated him on the site, (since the Prof and I were together, so fairly recently and AFTER she met the Prof), but no indication of him being attached to her in any way.

I have to ask myself why I felt bad with the Prof and not so much with the Pilot. Like tonight he is off at some campout orgy, lol, and I’m stuck at home, yet I don’t feel the least bit worried or insecure.  Besides him being fairly new in my life, and not yet having a major emotional attachment, I think there are some other factors. 

One, he is clearly interested in me and pays sufficient attention to me when we are together.  Like at the party he was all about me first and the other people he messed with were definitely secondary.  He never made me feel like he was using me to get at “new pussy” or like it mattered all that much to him whether or not he ended up with anyone but me at the end of the night. He seemed plenty happy to return to the hotel room just the two of us, and that made me feel good.

  There were times with the Prof where I felt like he thought it was a letdown if we didn’t end up fucking some other couple or that he was disappointed in me for not wanting to sleep with some ugly guy so that he could get at the wife.  Not that he ever actually pushed me to do so, or would, but I just got that vibe, especially at the second party we went to, which I didn’t write about.

 I can’t help but think that he fed into my insecurities somehow or they wouldn’t have been there.  It’s all about that intuition. I didn’t feel secure enough in his desire for ME to not fear being abandoned.  He was unwilling to offer what seems to me to be BASIC reassurance if we are going to play this way, something the Pilot was willing to give on the first try, without being asked and without assuming it meant some sort of “relationship”.  HE was the one saying hey, let’s discuss how we are going to handle this, ahead of time, and wanting to set boundaries that made me feel safe.

With the Pilot I don’t feel like he is covering anything up, lying, or acting suspicious.  He seems plenty happy to tell me what’s up or what he is about to do with no shame or attitude that assumes it is going to bother me.  I think that was a big thing with the Professor.  He would approach sleeping with someone else as though he expected me to be upset and that would trigger feelings that maybe I should be.  It’s a simple shift in attitude but I do feel like it makes a big difference.

I’m not saying the Pilot is perfect or anything because really I don’t know enough about him yet to see how he will react to certain things.  Yet so far he seems to be handling playing together well, even though he’s admitted at some point he knows he might feel jealousy, if he were in a serious relationship or developed feelings.  He hasn’t seen me play with a guy yet and doesn’t ask about or know about the men in my life so there is no telling how he will react to that. 

As far as picking out couples he thinks we would like to play with though, he has done pretty well.  He finds a couple where both the male and female are attractive and asks me what I think.   So far he has good taste.  To be fair, I think the Prof tried, but there are limited attractive couples in this area, lol.  Still his focus was much more on the woman and the Pilot is being more reasonable about what he thinks I would be attracted to in a man.  Guys like him, of course! 😉

Personality wise, the Pilot and I also seem to get along really well. We have a lot to talk about and his sense of adventure draws out my fun side. I like going out with him a lot and don’t feel inhibited the way I did when I was with the Prof. I can be withdrawn when I don’t feel comfortable but when I do I’m quite happy to be the life of the party.

So for a playing partner, the Pilot actually seems a better match for me.  I don’t feel like I could go back to what I had with the Prof.  It no longer seems good enough in that regard.  Sex with him though, I can’t deny, was wonderful. 

There is just something about the emotional hold the Prof had on me in the bedroom that I can’t even explain.  It was hypnotic.  I’ve never experienced anything like it, not even with the married man who technically was the best sex of my life. 

In spite of that, there were ways in which the sex with the Prof was even better.  It was more than just skill and more than just a sex trance.  It required me to be very vulnerable though and at this point I don’t think I could go there.  I’m too afraid.  Too afraid to give him back that control, after the way things ended. 

I don’t know. Maybe at some point I will be ready to sleep with him again.  Perhaps at this point I wouldn’t want anything more and could handle being fuck buddies.  Not sure that I want to give him that though. I feel like I need more of an apology from him or some kind of recognition that he hurt me and was wrong to do so. Sure he’s given me some gifts and said he misses me, but that doesn’t mean he is going to make any kind of change in the way he treats me. For now I’m not ready, but only time will tell. 

P.S. I just had a policeman at my house because my 13 year old son was missing for half the day. His phone wasn’t working and it was 1 am and I was getting freaked out. He showed up right after the officer got here but I swear this guy was trying to hit on me, lol. He asked if I needed his number to call him later or for him to drive by my house at night and I’m like no my child is here we should be fine. He was also asking if there were any men here? So then he called me again just a little bit ago (at 2 am) and claimed he thought he left a pad of paper at my house. Yeah, no. He didn’t leave anything, haha. Seriously, a pad of paper? LMAO

Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

Ken and Barbie go to a party….

gijoe

This weekend the Professor and I went to another swinger party. It was held in a strip club that had been privately reserved, had much better music and a full service bar. These particular parties are known by local swingers as the “Ken and Barbie” parties. You have to pass the attractiveness test by sending the hosts a photo and they are more expensive than the others. A lot of people come in from out of town. I was surprised that so many were from so far away. We’ve decided it must be due to the anonymity factor of being out of their hometowns.

Anyhow, we attended the Valentines party and the atmosphere was great. Strip poles everywhere, halfway open booths where people were later getting busy, a sex swing room with mirrors, black light with little colored lights bouncing around, pulsating music, XXX movies playing in the background and lots of great looking people aged 25-50 or so. The huge (pardon my pun) difference was that there were hardly ANY overweight folks at all, a stark contrast to some of the other parties we’ve been to.

Maybe it was the black lights that made them stand out so much but there did seem to be a preponderance of bleach blonde women with long, Barbie like hair, lol. Some of them were wearing lingerie, some in casual date wear and others were dressed to the nines in little black dresses and diamond necklaces. One tall brunette was in a tutu. Others were topless or even naked and dancing around the stripper poles when we came in. Me, I was wearing a red, velvety, sleeveless, backless top with a ruffle that wrapped around the neck and down the front of the shirt on both sides, skintight black leggings, knee- high, black, leather, boots, big fake diamond earrings and a chunky gold bracelet. My hair was down, long and flowing. Underneath was a strapless black bra and red and black lace panties with a little fake diamond heart on the side. The Professor was dressed similarly to most of the men there, in nice dress slacks and a button down (yeah they have it easy, lol). One guy was wearing this sleeveless Chip’ n Dale style tuxedo top, but I’m pretty sure he was the only one, haha.

Compared to the other parties we’ve been to, this was definitely the hip spot to be and it was right here in town. Single men aren’t allowed so the Professor had never been with this particular group either, though he knew a few people there. The first couple we ran into was a woman he’d had sex with previously. She was actually really nice and they emailed later inviting us to meet with them together. I’m unsure, because, while her husband was nice enough, I’m not sure he’s really a person I’d want to sleep with.

Sometimes I think for me to swing I really would have to drop my standards quite a bit just for the experience. Even at the very first party where we had sex with a couple other couples I can’t say I was super into the men, they just were “okay” and not UN-attractive or gross or anything. I’ve told the Professor I’m okay with that sometimes but he’s said I don’t have to do anything I don’t really want to and he won’t push.

In any case we ran into a couple that we had met before at a previous party (one I didn’t write about). At that party, the Professor had been into the woman but I just couldn’t go there with the man. He was not attractive to me at all and when I danced with him he spent the whole time talking about his wife and how beautiful he thought she was and how hard it was for him to share her. All I could think was “poor guy” and wasn’t really attracted. After all, he wasn’t doing anything to indicate a real interest in ME other than telling me how great it was to get to dance with another woman. I wasn’t all that excited about hearing him ramble on about HER, even if it was sweet that he felt that way about his wife.

They were new at swinging at the time and that was about 4 months ago. Well, lo and behold they had found another “perfect” couple to swap with and were clearly deep in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy, for those who aren’t aware of the term- basically it is the infatuation people tend to feel at the beginning that eventually fades off). In fact, I almost didn’t recognize the man because he was with a pretty new blonde and by the way they were acting you’d think THEY were the husband and wife, same with his wife and the other man. Cute. He looked different too, like more attractive (though still not my type). I guess you could say they were “glowing”. His wife and her new beau were the same way. Previously I hadn’t been able to get why the Professor found her appealing at all but now it made a little more sense.

According to them they’d spent the night before swapping in their own home while their six children were sleeping. Yikes.. They said they had to get up and switch early in the morning so no kids would find them in the wrong bed. A little too close for comfort for me I guess. I’ve never even brought a man over for sex when my children were in the home other than when my daughter was under two years old and fast asleep.
Anyhow the Professor really seemed to like the new blonde as well. I can’t say I blame him, she was pretty and fun. She also made sure to mention to me when he wasn’t within earshot that they were not looking to play with anyone other than each other that night and were just hanging out to socialize. So I knew, even if the Professor didn’t, that wasn’t a real possibility.

Also, out of his earshot, the guy says to me that he really thinks the Professor and I should have a couples profile on the swinger website since we are there so often together. He was telling me this as though it was my responsibility to do so, which I found a bit annoying. I mean, for me to insist on that would make me look like I am pushing a type of relationship that the Professor may not even want, upon him. Ugh. I mean, I don’t even know what to do about Valentine’s Day tomorrow at this point. We are not a “couple” technically, though he is the main guy I see. I’m totally waiting it out. I feel like any displays of “relationship” behavior need to start with him.

Eventually during the night I did end up making out with her, at the Professors encouragement. He was behind me and touching and fingering the both of us as we kissed and touched each other. It was fun until, out of the blue, she pinched my nipple really hard. Ouch!! WTF? I laughed it off but yeah, I didn’t like that at all. I have really sensitive nipples and am not into anything rough with them. I think she thought it was fun or sexy but totally not my thing!

Probably the most interesting couple we ran into that night though was a woman who is only a couple of years younger than me but has known the Professor since she was in the 8th grade. He didn’t coach her team because she played another sport but she has known him half her life as a coach and also attended the college he works at now. I’m sure running into him at her first swinger party was interesting to say the least! I asked her, when the guys stepped away to go to the bar, if she was in shock and she was like “OMG!!! YES!!! HAHAHA!!!”

She and I hit it off pretty well and she kept saying to him “Oh MY GOD, I just love her!!! She looks so innocent!!” (Yeah, yeah) I was like “don’t worry, I’m NOT, haha”. When he stepped away she told me he’s really a great guy. That’s not the first time a woman that has known him in some capacity outside of sex has said that to me about him either. Awwww….

So anyhow the Professor was obviously pretty excited about this all. You could tell he would REALLY like to hook up with her. He was suggesting to me that I should make out with her and at one point we did. Also, her husband was HOT. He had an accent and looked like he might be Russian or something. Green eyes, light brown hair, chiseled model like features and he obviously worked out! Still he was a little more quiet than she was so didn’t get to know him as much.

The only other guy that stood out to me at the party was the DJ, who was the only other black man there besides the Professor and he was pretty dang cute but I never got a chance to talk to him. Not long after we got there the Professor had pulled me aside to mention he’d seen that guy and that I had his “permission” to flirt but he never let me out of his sight or near the guy so it didn’t happen, lol.

Anyhow, back to this girl the Professor already knew. Yeah, he was really interested in her and to be honest, even though I liked and enjoyed being with her too I was a little bit intimidated. She was super cute and very athletic, but tiny. She was barely 5 feet tall though she had on 6 inch heels so that made her seem taller, had big blue eyes, with tiny little features and dark brown hair. She’d obviously never had children.

This woman is a personal trainer as one of her side jobs and has a stripper pole in her living room. She knew all kinds of tricks and was up there on the pole doing acrobatic, hanging upside down shit that I’d never even attempt to try, at least at this point, lol. Actually, I’d never even seen anyone work a stripper pole before in my life. I’d never been in a strip club and have only seen little tidbits, on like, the Jerry Springer show, ha! I rarely even watch tv, let alone stuff like that.

Anyhow, she was trying to get me to come up and dance on the pole with her and I was all oh Hell no, but what can I say, I finally let myself be convinced. She was whispering to me not to worry about it the guys were all hammered anyway and wouldn’t know the difference. SO, in my somewhat vodka and cranberry- induced state I agreed and she promised to help me out so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself, lol. True to her word she was talking quietly to me through her teeth the entire time giving instructions and I think I did okay. 😉 We managed to stay in sync anyway. There was a crowd of people watching and we were right in front of the DJ- damn, I would have liked to have talked to him too! Ah well…

Afterwards she was like “see, you’re a natural!” and I don’t know about all that, but I did have fun. We were playing around and acting sexual with each other and eventually kissed and made out, which of course the Professor loved. He was there holding me then too. At one point she slapped me really hard on the ass though. What the hell is it with these aggressive women? Haha Damn….

So he starts telling her that I am really submissive in bed, which is true and she says she is more of a domme. Whatever, we all have our own preferences but I admit it left me wondering, because he seemed so interested in her, if that isn’t something he would like better.

Actually, I was starting to compare myself in a LOT of ways, which was really hard not to do and not to feel insecure about things he may like better about her than me. It makes me wonder if I’d be able to handle the swapping after all, if we got down to it, because I’d also worry since they’ve known each other a long time that he would fall in love with her or vice versa. I’m trying to get past that though. I know it’s not good to compare myself it’s just hard sometimes. Help! 😦

He exchanged numbers with her husband and I was worried that maybe he was gonna try to hook up with them on his own sometime but he’s since said stuff that lets me know he would at least want to include me. I guess that doesn’t mean he always would but it’s a start. He commented that the guy was decent looking and it’s true that that is rarely the case!

We didn’t hook up with anyone that night other than each other, but there are a couple possibilities for the future. We also went home to his place and had really hot sex with each other, after watching some other couples at the club. So all in all it wasn’t a bad experience at all and we had a good time and met some fun people. Looking forward to more adventures soon! 😉

kenandbarbie

Big black men… is it true?

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First of all, beware that this is a racially charged topic. I think it’s important to realize that ALL people, whether we are black, white, or whatever hold some stereotypes in our minds and sometimes there is a grain of truth behind them but that DOESN’T mean we can make blanket assumptions about EVERY person that belongs to that group. You just can’t, because even if a stereotype holds somewhat true there are always exceptions to the rule. I also hope we can discuss this like mature adults without insults towards any group of people. With that said, come on, let’s drop the worries about being politically correct too. If we can’t be open and discuss varying experiences then it actually BREEDS racism because being afraid to TALK about things from different viewpoints is what keeps folks in the dark and leaves them to their wild imaginations, reinforcing negative ideas, fear, and hatred of others.

Also, realize that although I am white myself I grew up in a home where I was the only all white kid and I am used to what might sometimes seem like wildly inappropriate jokes about “white people” and “black people”, lol. So forgive me if sometimes I seem like I’m doing the very thing I am preaching against! Haha… I’m not really a racist at all and in fact it is one of my pet peeves although some of the stuff I say in this blog might come across as otherwise to people who don’t understand where I am coming from.

Okay, done with the lecture, let’s get to the real topic at hand and the question everyone everywhere has been dying to know and hear about from a female who has had the opportunity to make some assessments, lol. 😉

DO BLACK MEN REALLY HAVE BIGGER DICKS???

The other day, at the last swinger party I attended with the Professor, we were standing in a room watching some people have sex when a typical country- boy white guy walked into the room and made a typically clueless statement and assumption about the Professor and the only other black man there. He was like “you guys are lucky because you have the big dicks” and started going on about how unfair it was that black men always have huge cocks. Of course this was said without having ever SEEN either of these men naked. How would he know that either one of them was sporting a huge package? He didn’t! But he thought he did because of all the “rumors” that this is true and due to who knows how much porn he has seen where black men with large penises are fetishized.

Now besides porn, there is the added practice in the swinger community of bringing black men in to have sex with white couples in a fantasy/fetish way that honestly creeps me the fuck out because it comes across as flat out racist. They call the guys “bulls” and “studs” and even have these parties that I have heard referred to as “mandingo” parties where they bring in black men to have sex with guys wives in order to feed into cuckhold fantasies and fetishes. Now, I’m not one to judge people for their fantasies, I just find it disturbing because the focus seems to be on the skin color of the participants and because of the attitudes of some of these white couples that any random black guy with a big cock will do.

It bothers me very much when I think of these men being objectified like that. However, they obviously don’t mind or they wouldn’t be doing it! And of course they get lots of sex out of the deal and what man doesn’t like that? So it is easy to see why the practice continues and not too many people are complaining. I mean, this is an activity where consenting adults are agreeing to do something so that is really their business. I once recently even saw a swinger party advertised as a “BBC Party” in a nearby city, and it was taking place in a predominately black area. Having a big, black, cock is definitely sort of a “novelty” thing for some.

I have had the opportunity to talk to a few guys who have been involved in this sort of exchange and it is interesting to say the least. Sometimes they seem to get off on the idea too, of course, though some guys, like the Professor, seem to find it odd as well and feel a little uncomfortable with it but go right ahead and fuck the women anyway. He has said he’s not really into the gangbang thing however.

I’ve known a few different black men that have told me white couples have actually PAID them to fuck the wife. One guy told me a man paid him to have sex with his fiancé while he watched and another guy mentioned having sex with a woman that he wasn’t very attracted to simply because her husband gave him $500 dollars. He said it wasn’t that bad and she wasn’t bad in bed even though she was kinda fat and ugly. Nice. I can see how this would be appealing to a lot of black men, especially those who aren’t doing well financially. I guess it’s sort of like women who have a sugar daddy, sometimes. These couples are taking them out on their boats and on vacations and giving them all kinds of privileges just to have sex with the wife. Again, they are doing this of their own choosing but it still seems exploitative.

So anyway, back to the question at hand. Do black guys REALLY have bigger cocks to begin with?? Or is this a myth? The Professor asked my opinion, kind of indirectly, after the conversation the other day at the swinger party. He was like “you’ve seen a lot”, which is true, though he doesn’t know my actual numbers. I gave him kind of a pat answer about it “not necessarily” being the case, though maybe on average they are a little bigger, which is true, but I didn’t want to delve into too much detail because I’m pretty sure he didn’t want to hear about other guys dicks that I have had sex with. I also thought it a conversation better not gone into over text because things can be misunderstood and misconstrued and he has shown some uneasiness at my past exploits before. SO, I focused more on being appreciative of his (rather well) endowment and you guys get to hear my thoughts on the matter instead! For now, lol, lucky you!! Maybe I will tell him more later if we are still talking.

I have personally slept with a lot more black men than white, so it’s not really a fair sample but I’ve done both. I’ve also ONCE had sex with an Asian guy, who was averagely endowed, maybe 6 inches, and a couple of Hispanic dudes who were both punching in at around 6.5-7. That’s all I’m gonna say about that because that’s really all I’ve seen, lol. I have also seen quite a few black and white penises that I haven’t ACTUALLY slept with, like guys I have given blow jobs to or a hand job at some point. Oh, and there was a guy that was a mix of Jamaican, Hawaiian, Japanese and white that I have messed with but we never had actual sex. Lucky him, he had it from all sides, lol, and I’d estimate him to be about 7.

Keep in mind though that I kind of suck at estimating things!! I may be hugely over or under estimating EVERYONE, who knows?? Once a girl and I who had slept with several of the SAME GUYS got into a discussion about dick size and one guy I thought was HUGE she thought was small. WTF? I was thinking he had like a 9 inch cock and she was like “are you kidding me?” I also thought he was GREAT in bed and he was my absolute favorite at the time, but she thought he sucked. Just goes to show how much sexual chemistry between two people matters and makes all the difference. If a woman thinks you are great in bed she probably also thinks you have THE BEST COCK EVER at the time! I know that is how I am anyway. Sometimes we even overestimate how big you are, like when we like you our emotions so color our view that it makes your cock grow in our head, lol. I also don’t consider myself a “size queen” because I am more interested in how he uses it than what he is sporting. It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean and all that. Still, my two current favorites in the sack both claim to be about 8 inches, and the Professor has commented that I “really like it deep”, so maybe I do like them kind of big. Hmmmm….

On that note, I will mention that I personally think there is such a thing as TOO BIG. The biggest guy I ever had sex with was 11 ¼ inches. HUGE, and I know his exact size only because OTHER guys were telling me that. They were all so jealous but they really needn’t be. He couldn’t even get it in all the way and it was awkward for him to maneuver and hurting me and the sex wasn’t all that good at all. I’d consider a cock that big something of a handicap, to be honest. He was biracial by the way, so no telling if he got that giant dick from the white side or the black, though I’m sure most in our society would assume the latter. I also slept with a guy once that had probably the shortest cock I have ever seen, maybe 4 inches, but it was so freaking wide I could barely get on it. It was like the width of a coke can, for real, and it made me tear and bleed and was so unpleasant that I never slept with him again. He was black.

Personal experience though, from a woman who has had sex with over 40 black men and at least 10 white guys and seen quite a few more, would say that on average the white guys ranged from maybe 5.5-8 inches and the black men were more like 6.5-9. So yes, slightly bigger. Still not a HUGE difference and really it correlates with the studies you will see on the subject.

When I was younger I had only heard the black men are bigger theory from black guys and I thought they were full of shit and just basically tooting their own horns. I didn’t believe there was any actual basis in fact. Even now, I have seen a couple of pretty big white guys so it does happen. I have also seen plenty of black guys that were in the 6-7 range and I’d even go so far as to say that is “most”. What kills me is that often black men who are a very nice sized will sometimes say they are “average” because there is this expectation that they are supposed to be HUGE. I also once had an encounter with a black guy that I couldn’t tell you whether or not was actual sex. It was dark and I was drunk and he put what felt like a finger inside of me and later claimed we had had sex to others. If we did then he had the smallest dick I’ve ever experienced and if that is the case I can only imagine how that might make him feel with all these high expectations.

Nowadays I hear a lot of white guys making the claim that “all black guys are huge”. I guess this is said out of jealousy to some extent but it’s also an unfair assumption to make. A lot of black men are just “normal” or maybe slightly bigger than average and there are even some out there that are on the small side. Not all white guys are average sized either, there are a few that are pretty darn big! That said I have been with a fair amount of black men that are in the 8-9 inch range. Maybe 15? I seem to be coming across it more lately and that probably has some to do with the fact that I have met guys off the swinger site (which attracts bigger black guys) and places like Craigslist where they are advertising that fact (like the married man I sleep with). Still my current fwb is pretty darn big too and I met him on OKCupid. It might appear that I am choosing guys based on their dick size, lol, or even on their skin color, but that’s honestly not it. I am attracted to certain traits like confidence and dominance and I think men with larger sized cocks seem to come by those more easily sometimes. It’s probably due to their self –perception, because men tie up their own worth into their cocks more so than I think women do. Also, my penchant for black men is really probably more a product of having grown up around more people of color than white folks and just feeling safer and more comfortable talking to them. It’s not a “fetish”.

Anyway, in conclusion, you can’t judge a cock by it’s cover. Don’t assume until you’ve seen him take off those pants that you know what he’s packing. I’ve also heard the myth that short guys have shorter dicks and that I can assure you is NOT the case. Most of the guys I have been with recently that are sporting 8-9 inches below the belt aren’t much taller than me (5’6”). There are all kinds of body shapes and cock sizes and I rarely meet a cock I don’t like ;). If I like the GUY I’m probably gonna fall in love with his cock too.

So don’t be so quick to stereotype. Yes there are probably more black men with bigger sized dicks than there are white guys overall, but that doesn’t speak to ALL. Yes, at the first swinger party where we had a six-some with two white couples the Professor was clearly bigger than both of the other guys but that again was an isolated case. I’m no mathematician but it’s probably SOMEWHAT more likely to be that way but, like everything else in life not a guarantee. The only thing I can guarantee you about black men is that they are all stubborn and bullheaded as hell if you get into an argument and you will never win. I’m kidding… 😉 Kind of…. (try and prove me wrong!! LMAO!!)