Tag Archive | commitment issues

Life goes on…

radio-mic-1-2

Wow, it seems like a lot has happened since the last time I updated my blog! Where to even start? I guess you’d probably like to hear about the new man I am sleeping with, and maybe some updates on the Cohort ;). By the way, he and Mr. Firm met each other recently, at a party, lol. I wasn’t there though. I’ll elaborate on that too, in a minute.

I recently discovered Tinder, which was awesome, for like the week and a half it actually worked on my phone!! A girlfriend told me about it and how she had like 7 dates in a week, so I thought it would be fun to try. It was!! Until it stopped working and all the uninstalling and reinstalling was to no avail. 😦

I even lost a great potential man, because we had gone on a date but never exchanged actual phone numbers. I was getting notifications that he was emailing me but couldnt access the app or respond. Grrrr….. So, screw Tinder, but I can’t be too mad because I did meet one man I actually like. πŸ™‚

I will call him Radioman. He works in advertising for one of my favorite radio stations. He also coaches the same sport that the Professor did. By the way, for those of you who remember the Professor, he’s been kind of stalking my swinger profile lately. Interesting, though I’m pretty sure I would never fuck him again at this point. Like I keep saying, men always come back. Heck, the Producer texted me recently too, and mentioned that he is getting married- and its not to the woman he was so in love with either!! He said she is with a white guy now. Told you so! πŸ˜‰

Back to Radioman. So far, he seems pretty cool. I enjoy spending time with him and he is good in bed. I’ve never told him about swinging though and we did the traditional 3 dates before sex. I’m just not sure when to bring something like that up, you know? Its awkward when you meet someone in another context.

He actually asked me if I want an exclusive relationship. I told him its too early for me to decide. I do like him a lot so far, but I’m not sure yet if I want THAT. Its frustrating…it seems like men either want to go all in the minute you meet them or they are running as fast and far away as they can get from any sort of commitment. I just want to get to know someone first and see if its workable or not.

There is a big part of me that would love to just have that one guy in my life, stability, safety and seriousness. Yet, I’m just not sure if I’d start feeling claustrophobic. An open relationship, where I am Numero Uno, sounds ideal in many ways, but I am starting to lose hope that I will ever be able to find that. I would have loved something like that with the Cohort, but I can’t handle NOT having the assurance of being number one and like most men who want something “open” he didn’t want to give me that.

Back to Radioman- I like him but there are a few red flags when it comes to a long term thing. Mainly, he has 3 children with 3 different mothers. He’s actually a grandpa too, even though he is my age, because one of his teenage daughters has a toddler. It also means that despite having a great paying job (plus a side job coaching), he’s not doing that well financially- due to all the child support he has to shell out. :p I mean he has a decent home and car and all that, just says he has some struggles.

Other things though, are great! He’s made me dinner a couple of times and is a great cook. He’s been easygoing and fun to hang out with. He’s not bothered at all by the number of children I have. Plus, he gets free tickets to fun events and has been giving some to me. πŸ™‚ Did I mention he’s pretty good in bed? He hasnt slacked on going down on me either. πŸ˜‰ Mmmm…

I so wish Tinder would have worked longer, because I was getting hit up by a ton of nice looking guys. The other guy I met in person seemed fantastic too! He travels a lot for his job at a medical research company and used to play football for a major college on the east coast. He still looked like it too and had pretty hazel eyes. I was totally interested but since I couldn’t reply to his email, it seems all is lost.

I’ve also got a new job myself, that is getting me out there and around a lot of people. I’m getting hit on all the time. Like every time I work (and its a part time thing) I have at least a couple of men asking for my number or something. Its been fun, though I haven’t followed through with any of those men yet. It’s always fun to be swarmed with attention and have options though! πŸ™‚

It’s all helping me keep my mind off the Cohort, though he has been calling again too. Let me explain what finally happened with him.

After my last post about him, I did hear from him again. He tried to call and I didnt answer. I texted him that it hurt me too much to talk as a friend, after all that had happened. He said it was an emergency though and I picked up the phone. He wanted to tell me about how someone had stolen money from his Paypal account and we ended up talking.

A couple of days later he called again wanting my help with work stuff and I reiterated that this was too painful. After that we didn’t talk for a couple of weeks.

Then he hit me up again saying that he misses me and that he thought it would just go away but it hasn’t. I admit this tore at my heart but I’m trying to stay strong. I know I could not, at this point, accept what he is wanting to give me, which is basically crumbs. I care too much about him to be anything less than #1.

It was then that he told me about meeting Mr. Firm. He said they met at a swinger party and he wanted to know why I couldn’t just have the same type of relationship with him that I do with Mr. Firm. I was kind of baffled that he didn’t seem to understand this, but tried to explain that my feelings for him are different and that Mr. Firm already had a serious relationship with someone else. The Cohort said I was “punishing” him because he is single.

What?? I said it doesn’t feel good to hear that my love and affection are a punishment. Men. I’m really trying to wrap my head around how they see things. Not to mention I hardly ever see Mr. Firm anymore. I said is that really what you want, to see me once or twice a year? He said no, he didnt realize it was that infrequent.

He also claimed that the couple who was throwing the party told him that they think I am “playing” him and pretending to want a relationship when I really don’t. He said he had to set them straight and tell them it was him who didn’t want a relationship. He said they saw me with other men at parties (in the past, like the Prof) who didnt want to share me with anyone and thought I was leading him on.

I was like, well, there goes my image as a “player”! Seriously though, I’m still trying to digest this one. Mr. Firm said everyone was busy having sex and drinking so he doesn’t know how a conversation like that would have even come up, but the Cohort tends to be pretty honest. My head is spinning.

On the plus side, the Cohort and Mr. Firm seemed to like each other. They both said positive things about one another, though they didn’t actually discuss knowing me when they met. If only it had happened earlier, now all my fantasies of a threesome with two of my favorite men in bed, are pretty much shot! πŸ˜‰ Lol Ah well….

OH, and I had another dream about the Cohort’s mother, before he told me about this party. It was weird because she has been dead for quite some time and I have never met her, but it is the second dream I have had (the first one was after the first miscarriage). In this one, the Cohort was with another woman, one who was very unattractive and I was upset. His mother walked with me over to the two of them and he broke away from the woman to come and hug and kiss me. His mom said to me “I am so happy that you forgave him, I know he loves you”. Then she later told me that she was totally okay with how many kids I have and that I am the one for her son. Wishful thinking? Sigh… If only it were a message from the other side. My heart still feels that for him and this is so hard for me.

In any case, he has still tried a few more times to talk to me. Most recently, yesterday, he texted to ask if I will go to a swinger party with him! I was sort of shocked that he would think this would be okay. Does he really not understand that I need to have the assurance that I am SAFE with him before doing this again? That I can’t be disconnected from him and then go to a party where we are fucking other people in front of each other? I tried to explain.

He says he misses me, and not just for the sex. I’m glad to hear that because I miss him too, but its not enough. Its not enough for me to subject myself to the way I felt when he took that woman to a party. I seriously could have hurt someone. I was so angry and upset!! The thoughts going through my mind were horrible and it was all I could do not to follow through on them. He’s lucky his car and windows weren’t destroyed and no one was hurt. Seriously, I FELT like acting like a psycho!

I just CAN’T put myself in that position. No. Like I told him recently, he didn’t do anything wrong and that’s the problem. I need it to be wrong. I cant handle it being “okay” for him to do things that hurt me. I’m not going to stick around for that.

He says he understands and doesn’t want to hurt me. Yet he keeps offering me half assed things like friendship and swinger parties. I love him too much to settle for that. It’s all or nothing now.

In the meantime, I’m doing everything I can to keep my mind of him. I won’t say it’s totally working, but I havent broken down and cried and that is a good thing, I think. At least for now keeping busy is seeming to help.

The married man, I havent seen him again but he told me that he is leaving his wife and wants to be with me and only me. WTF? The next day he texted to ask if I would have a threesome with him and some “good friend” (female) of his. Eyeroll…

I’ve spent some more time with the Boring guy and he’s obviously making an attempt to be more interesting, which is nice. He took me to a concert as a double date with one of his friends (my suggestion, but he paid, which was awesome) and has found a new restaurant near his place that we have gone to a couple of times.

I’m still a little put off by his self absorbtion though. :p For example, he watches himself in the mirror while we have sex. Not me, or us, HIMSELF. Ugh.

Oh well, its better than sitting around pining for the Cohort, for sure. He’s making it extra hard by keeping contacting me, but I’m determined not to accept anything less than his best. As of yet, I am not getting that and I’d rather spend my time with men I am not in love with that be continually hurting over one I do.

Sampling the Continental Platter

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I’ve slept with 7 different guys in the past 2 weeks, though only one was brand new. That doesn’t even count the Married Man, who I haven’t had a chance to fuck lately,or the Host, who hit me up, but I’ve kind of avoided.

I’m starting to wonder if I should slow it down. Not that I mind all the sex, but part of me wonders if this is really okay, or if my sex sprees are unhealthy. Then again, maybe I’m just buying into society’s unfair standards for sexual behavior, especially when it comes to women.

Granted, there were a couple of sexual experiences in there that I didn’t really enjoy. Still I wouldn’t have known that for sure unless I tried them. For example, the Englishman.

I met this guy off the swinger site. He had attractive, professional looking pictures and said something about how he speaks 4 different languages. When he emailed I was already drowning in dick, but I was like this guy is kinda hot, why not?

So I responded, by text, while I was sitting in the shop waiting on my vehicle to be fixed. Then I promptly forgot about it. Mere minutes later, as I was driving, I recieved a call from an unknown number. The caller ID showed a suspicious looking, foreign sounding, name.

When I answered I wasn’t particularly friendly. I was thinking it was probably some Nigerian scam artist. I hadn’t realized from the guy’s pictures that he was not an American. He identified himself and said that he is from England. His accent seemed to prove that. He’d just moved here 7 months ago, supposedly to go to law school.

He was sort of abrupt and didn’t want to beat around the bush. He wanted to meet for sex and I hemmed and hawed for a minute because of his lack of manners or attempts to get to know me first. He said he found me attractive and didn’t I like his pictures and we should get together to fuck.

I commented, “but you haven’t even seen my face yet”. He didn’t think that mattered and just wanted to meet up. I found an excuse to get off the phone and ignored several of his other calls and texts, over the next few days, while I thought about it. I responded to some of them but he was seeming pushy and I don’t like that.

Okay, his pictures were attractive enough. He had a few validations on the site but mostly they just said he was the man in the pictures, or that they had met him at a party. Still, why not? What was holding me back? He was right, he was attractive enough to fuck on a physical level, and then you have the added excitement of someone new and different, from another country, and even with a kind of cool accent.

I decided to go ahead and give it a whirl, but I said I would need to meet him someplace in public first. He wasn’t real thrilled with that but said we could meet at a Starbucks near his house. I got an address from him and put it in the GPS on my phone.

I don’t know why it didn’t register that he probably wouldn’t have the exact street address for Starbucks but I was confused when my GPS took me to an apartment complex instead. Grrrr…. He met me in the parking lot.

I said I thought we were going to Starbucks first and he said oh yeah, we could. Did I want to follow him or could he just ride with me? I’m thinking, this motherfucker does not have a car and this is his little game to get me to give him a ride. So I said I’d rather follow him (to see what he would do). He said, come on, couldn’t I see he was a decent guy?

I begrudginly relented, after a bit of begging, and let him in my van. He didn’t even know where a Starbucks was, but said his roommate told him there was one close by. I put it in my GPS and the closest one was 8 minutes away. He tried to wheedle his way out of going but I wasn’t about to let him get away without at least a $3 drink, after all that.

He paid for our drinks, though I suspect he was less than thrilled about it, and we sat down at a table outside. According to him, he is 33, works as a personal trainer and does a little modeling on the side. When pressed about law school, he claimed he is studying to take the Bar exam online.

He was very proud of the pictures he has on the site and was like “now can you see that is really me?” I was wondering why I would even doubt that. I mean they look professional but what was the big deal? He said he is doing a shoot for GQ in 3 months, in New York, and has to spend a lot of time getting ready.

I mean, okay, I can believe that part, I guess. The pics he has on there do look a bit GQish. My former brother in law works as a personal trainer/model and is poor as hell on his own (though he has a rich boyfriend). He travels to New York for stuff like that too and is in magazines like Men’s Health.

Whatever. I mean I can see that he has features that some of those magazines would appreciate but I know guys I think are hotter that aren’t “models”. His conceit and incessant bragging were annoying too. He asked me if he was my “type,” obviously referring to his looks and I was like uh, I guess, though I don’t really know what your personality is like yet. He couldn’t understand and said I was gorgeous and clearly his type.

I asked about swinger parties he has been to and he claimed he never has. He said he doesn’t need those to get laid and all he has to do is walk into a bar and the women are all over him. He’d only signed up because of a friend telling him about it and wasn’t impressed. I guess he forgot there are people saying they met him at a party, ON his profile!

He claimed he’d just had a threesome a couple of days ago, with two women. They thought he was so hot that they had invited him back to their house. A likely story….

We finished our drinks and he suggested we go back to his place so I could give him a massage. Inwardly, I was rolling my eyes. EVERY single time a guy has suggested starting things off with a massage for HIM, he has turned out to suck in bed. I should have known, and I suspected, but I went along with it anyhow.

Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t that impressed with him. I guess it was because I was already there, he was decent enough looking and I was curious to see how an English guy was in bed? Maybe he would surprise me? Sorry, folks from the UK, but he didn’t represent, lol. You all may have to help him out here…

He had an average looking apartment, which he said he shared with a guy from Israel who wasn’t there at the moment. We went directly back to his room, where he put some music on his notepad and stripped down to his boxer briefs. He lay on the bed and told me it was all mine and I could come and get it.

God, he was so full of himself. Like he thought he was just supposed to lie there and display his dick and I would get all excited about it. Modeling, for me. Yippeeee…..

I had to push him to wear a condom, but he did. He asked if he had the biggest dick I’d ever seen. Uh, yeah, sure, lol. I mean he was bigger than average but nothing I’ve never experienced before.

It was over quickly and somewhere in there he called himself my “boy”. Ack! Afterwards, he wanted to cuddle and tell me that he was thinking about a serious relationship. HELP! I wanted to get out of there sooo badly, lol. He said he was developing feelings and falling for me, even though he wasn’t expecting that.

According to him the sex was incredible. I always wonder about that. Can it really be that great for one person and not the other? I have my doubts.

Come on dude. More like you want a green card. Or a sugar mama, at the very least. NOT gonna happen. WRONG woman, lol. The last thing I want is a “boy”.

I ignored his calls and texts after and thankfully there were only a couple. I was afraid he’d be the stalker type. Whew.

There are more stories to tell but I don’t have time at the moment. Bad sex with the Bodybuilder, who also wants something serious with me, as does the Poly guy (similar experience number two with him and his girlfriend), and the other guy, who I will call Mr. Shady, he claims to want to commit to me too, after he and his girlfriend break up, in a few months. Give me a break!

My commitment issues are going into overdrive. I don’t want ANYBODY tying me down right now!! Did I seriously write something about wanting “more” not too long ago? SMFH…. What was I thinking??

The guys that I am happiest with are mostly taken already. What’s sad is that is sort of a relief for me.

Well, other than the Cohort. When we are together he is making me laugh so hard my sides hurt too. I mean, I could see something more there and he has kind of hinted at it but he already knows what I am up to and is doing his own thing as well, so I don’t think I have to worry about being overly restricted there.

He’s like “you are like a guy when it comes to sex”. LOL I feel that way sometimes too. I don’t think I am masculine in most ways, but sometimes I wonder if my sex drive is abnormal. I’ve always felt like I wanted it just as much, or more than the guys I have been with.

I know there are other women out there in a similar boat, but they seem few and far between. Or maybe they are just covering it up better. I do hear some wild stories about swinger women.

I actually felt kind of prude the other day when a couple of different people were talking about tying me up and I didn’t feel comfortable. I’ve always kind of wanted to try that but I’m paranoid unless its someone I feel safe with and trust. Comparatively, it seems like a lot of these swinger women are doing all kinds of wild and crazy things all the time.

Seems like every time I hear about a swinger woman she’s tied up and having an anal gangbang with complete strangers, while they slap her in the face and call her a bitch. Mr. Firm says that’s just because I only hear the extreme stories and most women aren’t doing that. I guess he would know. πŸ˜‰ The Cohort says if he ever meets a woman who wants an anal gangbang he is going to pick up the phone and call me right then and there, lol.

So maybe what I’m imagining in my head and comparing myself to, isn’t reality. I still haven’t been tied up or handcuffed, but maybe someday. The Cohort did have me wear a collar during sex the other day, lmao.

I came over and he had two wine glasses sitting on the coffee table for us, each one inside a studded leather collar. One said “slut” and the other said “bitch”. He said “pick one” and I was like oookayyy…I’ll take “slut,” I guess, lol. He said, “I knew it! Everyone picks that one”. “Everyone??” I asked. You have “everyone” that comes over here wear that?? He shook his head at me and said no, not “everyone” but a select few. Haha

I finally put it on though, along with the body stocking he had gotten me off Amazon, that looks like this (I picked it out-its crotchless with cute little bows up the back). He thought it looked hot and we had fun, but no tying up, yet…. πŸ˜‰