Tag Archive | breakups

Don’t look back…

bridgeonfire

Well, things have come to a final close with the Professor.  My hope is gone and I know it’s over.  He tried to act polite and maybe even lead me on a little with our most recent discussion, but I asked a male friend to look over our texting transcript and give me his honest opinion.

 Basically, he told me I was giving too much weight to the little scraps of hope and that the Prof was being a tad dishonest.  Like one time I asked him straight out if a comment he made meant he still liked me and he said “sure”.  I asked “sure? lol “ and he claimed his phone had changed his “yes” answer to “sure”.  Considering the possibility of that is about zero, yeah, he had to be full of shit.

Anyhow, the whole interaction left me feeling pretty awful, even though he purported to be having a hard time too.  His actions belied his words.  Without a man to interpret that for me I probably would have continued grasping at straws.  It was hard to accept reality, but it also took a huge weight off my shoulders. 

I’m finally done.  I don’t think there is any going back now, even if he changed his mind.  The respect I had for him has kinda gone out the window and I feel betrayed and hurt and don’t want to mess with it again.  I asked him to delete the videos he has of me and he said he would.  Then I told him to forget he ever met me.  He gave some lame reply about how he wouldn’t forget, which I didn’t respond to.  As far as I’m concerned he can fuck off.

I broke down and cried after the conversation, and again last night when my head hit the pillow, but it’s different.  I don’t want him back. I have no desire to check up on him, I just want to stay far, far away.  Only once do I remember having a breakup this painful and it hurt me for YEARS.  I can’t allow that to happen. 

My self -esteem has taken quite a blow but Lovergirl always hits the ground running.  I’ve got an interesting new prospect in the wings.  Actually, he is someone off the swinger site that has an uncanny resemblance to the Professor.  I almost ignored him because of that and the issues I’ve been having with him but decided not to let that affect my decision.

In an interesting twist of fate, he has also been validated on the site by the married woman that sees the Professor.  I’m not sure what that means exactly, as he has a LOT of very positive sounding references from the ladies.  I have no idea how well they might know each other but he does live up in her general direction. 

At first this kind of put me off, because I’d like to avoid dabbling in the Professor and this woman’s social circle for the time being, but at the same time, if I want to hook up with anyone off that site or at parties it is probably something I will have to face eventually.  SO, I’m like, fuck it, I’ll just do my thing and not worry about that.

I had sex once before, with a man who had been validated by the married lady.  She had great things to say about him online but he and I didn’t hit it off very well at all.  He drove 4 hours and got a hotel to come fuck me but it wasn’t the greatest experience.  I didn’t find him to be my “type” and he didn’t follow through on the promises he made for the bedroom.  Like he said he would give me a full body massage and go down on me.  Never happened.  The most exciting moment of the night was when the condom snapped off and got lost inside me for a minute.  I also can’t assume that just because we have the same taste in the Prof we’d be similar with other guys.  Still I’m sure there are going to be SOME overlaps in that area. 

Anyhow, let me tell you all about the new guy.  I’m kind of excited, but well, you’ve seen how that plays out for me sometimes. Don’t want to jump the gun here too much! Trying to keep in mind that it may be another let down, but it’s fun to imagine anyway.

The recent prospect lives a few hours away.  We haven’t met yet and due to circumstances it will be a couple of weeks before we do.  His car is in the shop because of a minor accident and I’m expecting my period to arrive next week (unless it’s 6 days late again!) In any case it seems like forever right now but we have been doing a lot of texting and I like his personality.

His rave reviews on the site are definitely a big factor in my interest, lmao.  A few women mentioned his expertise in using all of his tools properly and how he rocked their world.  Yeah, I can handle that ;).  His looks, well, at first I thought he looked a little too much like the Professor, but on closer observance I’d say he’s objectively better looking.  I don’t think most people would be all “damn he’s hot” when looking at a picture of the Prof but my emotions colored my response to him. 

So “hot” wasn’t my first thought but he is definitely do-able.  He has some kind of job that involves strategic planning at an Army headquarters and I guess he’s the boss.  He also flew a helicopter in Iraq and Afghanistan, which is pretty damn cool, so from now on I’ll probably refer to him as “the Pilot”.

He’s been in “the Lifestyle” for 4 years, and is 40 years old.  According to him, he would love to find a woman that would attend parties with him occasionally.  I’m not opposed to that, just need to watch out that I don’t end up in a similar situation as I did with the Professor, if we do hit it off.  I’ve asked him a few questions to try and see where his head is at and so far so good.  He tries not to get emotionally attached but loves the feeling of connection with the women he plays with. 

Sexually, we seem, so far, to be a really good match.  He likes to dominate, and our likes and dislikes appear to be similar.  He’s not particularly into anal, can take it or leave it (yay!) and loves to eat pussy (my kind of man!).  He asked me what my “limits” are and that question always throws me for a loop because you are never sure what kinds of activities they are imagining.  Apparently my answers were entertaining.  Like I said that I didn’t like anyone biting my nipples, no fisting, don’t slap me in the face or call me names and he laughed and said he wasn’t planning anything like that! 

He did admit to having fucked quite a few wives and having it videotaped and he said he doesn’t mind incidental contact with males but doesn’t want any intentional touching.  This led me to ask if he has tried DVP (double vaginal penetration).  I have no interest in it myself but am kind of morbidly curious since the Prof and another man have told me they have done so.  Sure enough, he says he has, twice, with one couple.  He said the woman really enjoyed it but it wasn’t particularly his thing or anything.  Gosh, this is more common than I would have thought, or else he and the Prof and the other dude are all talking about the same couple!  Ha!

He told me an interesting story about a swinger party he attended in a small town about an hour and a half away that has a population of like 2,000.  I guess they had a party there a couple of years ago that was specifically for white women who were into black men.  It was on a farm out in the middle of nowhere, and he says he fucked 7 women in a row and ended up breaking the couple’s bed.  Hmmm…  haha.  Well, at least we know he’s got some stamina.

In any case, he’s planning on driving here, getting a hotel for the night and taking me out to dinner and for drinks.  I’m looking forward to it.  In the meantime, he texts quite a lot and keeps telling me how interested in me he is, so I guess that’s good news.  Hopefully nothing gets ruined during our two week wait.

His pictures were nice but the first pic he sent of his cock I was thinking it didn’t look all that big.  Yet, he made a comment about how my pics made “all 8 ½ inches stand up” so maybe it’s an illusion.  Also I was thinking he needed a trim around the pubic area but maybe it was just the lighting and background because the next pic didn’t look bad.  Idk, I kinda like a bit of manscaping because it’s easier for me to do what I wanna do to him, but I’m not asking him to shave it all off or anything.  Actually, not saying a word, haha, but thinking.  Maybe it was the lighting effect of the supposed pubic fro that made his junk look shorter than he says. 

Wish me luck though, it seems so far that this one has some promise to develop into something fun and maybe more than just a one night stand.  In the meantime I have to figure out what I am going to do with myself this weekend!  I have been chatting back and forth a bit with a guy that says he takes Boudoir photos, but he is going to be gone too.  I know that sounds sketchy and I even met him through Craigslist, but he actually seems pretty professional and you sign forms and whatnot and get a cd of touched up images.  He’s trying to build a portfolio.   I would so love to have some pics like that of myself.

I don’t know, despite my insane amount of horniness lately (I haven’t had sex in 3 weeks!!) I may decide to take a little healing break and spend some time alone or shopping for cute clothes and lingerie or even a new vibrator, rather than go on a date this weekend.  Don’t count on it though, will see what happens next. 😉

Ahhhh….inspiration!

inspiring blogger2

Yes, yes!! I’ve been nominated again, for the 3rd and 4th time, for the Very Inspiring Blogger award!! What does this say about me and my blog? That I’m inspiring folks to get off their butts and quit sulking, go to a swinger party, fuck someone you met off Craigslist, just do the damn thing!! 😉 Trying to follow that advice myself as well right now, haha. 😉 Someone, hit me over the head!

A world of thanks to Speaking out on Nate and Betty Homebanger for presenting me with this prestigious award and helping to inspire ME out of my doldrums! You are both awesome and I love your blogs and everyone should check them out! A special thanks to Betty, because your name has inspired me to recall the dreaded fate of Blow Job Betty back in the day in the infamous song by Too Short. Perhaps this will save me, somehow, from choking to death on a throatful of cum. We all owe her a moment of silence this Memorial Day.

In any case, I love this award because I get to come up with 7 random facts about myself all on my own, no hard questions, lol. Then I get to pass it on to 15 deserving bloggers. I love to try and pick new ones each time, to give some variety to my readers and let them see the world of inspiration that is to be found out there amongst talented writers.

Most of the people I follow talk about things sexual, but not always. Lovergirl is a variety kind of gal, afterall. I enjoy reading and discussing all sorts of topics. Keep peeling back the layers because there is always more to find out about me! I’m like one of those little nesting dolls, where you open it up and there’s another one inside, and another, and another, it never ends.

So what should I tell you about me this time? Hmmmm….

1. I’ve fucked several sets of brothers. I can think of at least three families where I have had sex with more than one of the guys, and that is just off the top of my head. I’ve done cousins too, but I’ve never done a guy and his dad. What got me thinking about this is a photo I saw of a guy that used to like me (we never actually had sex, no idea why, I would have) and his dad at a family BBQ yesterday on Facebook. He’s a cousin of the guy I had the affair with too (and I’ve slept with several of HIS brothers, lol).

Anyhow his Dad looked freaking hot to me. I was thinking I’d like to fuck HIM, lmao. He’s got to be pretty old because the guy in question is at least 3-4 years older than me and this is his DAD, but he doesn’t look it. I’m thinking he must be one of the guy I had the affair with’s uncles too.

Damn, something about the guys in that family. I have a real affinity for them, but then so do half the women in that town, lol. Affair guy’s dad has like 20 kids with like 8,9, 10 or more women and HIS brothers were apparently fucking the town back in the day too, so, they get around, which makes it even more feasible. Hmmm…you never know…

Hey, and this is the INSPIRING blog award! Maybe I can inspire you all to do something similar 😉 Keepin it in the family? LMAO

2. I don’t think I’ve ever broken anyone’s heart. I mean there have been guys who were all into me and I wasn’t feeling it, and stalkers and the like, but I’ve never broken up a relationship with things like “it’s not you, it’s me” or “this just isn’t going to work out” type statements. It was always either the guy dumping me or some kind of big blowup, like where he got another girl pregnant or tried to choke me for confessing to cheating on him or something. Even my marriage, I filed for divorce but it wasn’t until after HE fell in love with another woman and after him saying in marriage counseling that he would leave me and the kids for her if she’d be with him, that we went there. I’m pretty tenderhearted and really hate to hurt people.

3. I’ve never asked a guy out, except for ONE time there was this guy in high school that I had a crush on. He was in my Spanish class and we’d kind of flirt every day, so I thought he liked me. Plus he was smoking hot with a really nice body and a wrestler.

I don’t know if I actually “asked him out” but I told him I liked him, over the phone. Turns out he was dating a girl that lived down the street from me and I didn’t even know it, but he took me out anyway, which was kind of weird, lol, but okay. Like, he said sorry, he had a girlfriend but then asked me to go somewhere with him and took me on a little date. I don’t know if he just felt bad for me or if he secretly kind of liked me, I think it was a bit of both. I think we actually went out twice.

4. I smoked a lot of pot as a teenager, but other than that never really got into drugs. I mean, I tripped on acid a couple of times and smoked some wet a handful of times or occasionally pot laced with coke. Oh, and one time I smoked crack, but it was by accident.

How the hell do you smoke crack by accident, you ask? LMAO But really, it was on a plate with a bunch of other stuff at this drug dealer’s house. My friend was dating him at the time and we just grabbed the wrong stuff and a bunch of us girls were there. We didn’t realize it until too late and we noticed the smell. Then of course we stopped, but…oops!

Considering my parents both have/had drug issues that is pretty tame. I’ve only smoked pot once as an adult (past the age of 19) at a swinger party. I was out in the car with this crazy wild girl, haha and already drunk off my ass. I think all of my siblings smoke pot but not I. Last time I went to visit I was sitting on the bed in my sister’s room while three of them got high, but I didn’t even do it then.

5. I’m really not a big drinker. I will get drunk occasionally, but usually if I drink it’s a glass or two of wine. I especially love Moscato D’Asti or D’oro. Oh and I like Margaritas or Vodka and cranberry juice or lemon drop shots. The Prof has made me Midori sours too and I like those a lot too. Back when, I used to down a lot of Jack Daniels and Lemonade or Kamikazi’s. Nowadays, I drink maybe once or twice a month.

Back in the day I got drunk a lot more, before my marriage, but was more into smoking pot. In any case, my very first episode of getting completely wasted, I was 15. My grandmother was out of town and my girlfriend and I invited over a couple of guys (which later turned into a big party with us as the only females). One was my boyfriend at the time and the other was this 21 year old guy that lived across the street. He brought the alcohol.

We played Quarters and I was losing badly and ended up downing half a bottle of kiwi- lemon mad dog, half a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and half a 40 oz of Old E. I paid dearly for this and not only had sex with my boyfriend but later got near raped by another guy and eventually woke up half naked in my bed after throwing up all over the place.

One of the things I remember though, was sitting on the couch with my 40 oz and a bunch of guys my age and a little younger were all around me trying to get a sip. There were like 8 of them and some of them were trying to kiss on me. In walks a few more guys and one of them was a brother of the guy I had the affair with.

He was like “DAMN girl, you are a PLAYER, look at you!!” and for the longest time he gave me hell about that at school. It was hilarious. LOL Even fairly recently, he loves to tell people stories about me and some of the other things I have done, though I’d say he exaggerates. He told my sister that he and I had sex but that’s not entirely true, we just 69’d one night when we’d been goofing off for a while and he went to try and fuck me but came before he ever got inside me.

6. I’ve had a lot of guys exaggerate our sexual escapades (what else is new, lol). One in particular claimed to everyone that I gave him head when he was outside my bedroom window. In reality, we were making out and I just jacked him off till he came. It would have been quite a feat for me to hang upside down from the window and give him a blowjob that way but nevertheless my supposed flexibility skills became legendary. 😉 Dang, a blow job like that and I really could have ended up like old Betty 😉 HA!

7. I love, love, love riding roller coasters!! The bigger and scarier the better. Nothing like the feeling of that BIG DROP! It’s such a rush, lol. I haven’t been on one for a while but I always enjoyed them and other similar rides at amusement parks.

One time, when I was maybe 12 or 13, some friends and I got dropped off at an amusement park for the day with no adults in sight and rode the same big coasters, over and over and over (it was like a weekday and not too many people there). At one point I decided to not only hold my hands up in the air but put my feet on the front of the car as well. Someone saw this and they stopped the whole ride and a guy had to climb up to the top of the hill to tell me it was too dangerous and I needed to put my foot down.

Also, thinking of the guy I mentioned above (the one that used to call me a player), one year at the county fair he and I must have ridden the “gerbil cages” as I like to call them (no idea what that ride is actually named) 20 times. It’s that ride where you have the control to flip your own car over while it is also spinning around and around and you are in this little “cage”. It was nighttime and we kept riding together, trying to flip it over and over as many times and as hard as possible. Amazingly, neither of us ever threw up, lol.

It was fun though, having someone who was just as enthusiastic as I was about getting our thrills on, most people would get tired. I’m so not a “shopper” at amusement parks. I want the exciting stuff!! I hate it when folks wanna look around at all the little trinkets and do boring crap.

Well, that was random! LOL but I guess that’s the point!! While I’m writing a blog post I guess I should mention the good news. 

I texted with the Professor last night. I’m the one that initiated it but it was really, really good to hear from him again. I wasn’t going to do it but since we’d already looked at each other’s profiles I thought now or never.

I said I was glad he has found someone new (not!) and he said he hasn’t that they were people he’s known a long time. I didn’t ask more questions about that. In any case, I was really, really happy to learn that he got the new job he’d applied for before. It is perfect for him and he will be making like 12,000 extra per year. I’d been secretly rooting for him with that one even since the breakup.

I know everyone says it’s better to pretend you are doing wonderful if you want to get back together with someone but I didn’t do that. I just said I was going to be honest and admitted I’d been kind of heartbroken but that I know it will be okay in the long run. He said he was sorry, that he hadn’t wanted to hurt me and I told him I know.

I’m not sure where things will go from here. He sounded like he was missing me too. I said I hoped he had a good summer and that it was kind of hard to say goodbye again after not talking for so long and he agreed, saying “it’s really hard”. He’s actually away visiting family in another city for the holiday but he still took the time out to text with me. Maybe that’s a good sign, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up. Keep your fingers crossed for me anyway. I really think he and I could work things out if he was willing.

I said I’m not one of these people that has it all together, that I am flawed, insecure and needy for love and affection and definitely a fixer-upper. He was like “It’s ok. Trust me I have my issues too. I’m not close to figuring out much of anything. Hell, I need a lot of work”. In any case, I miss him, though I didn’t say it, I think it was pretty obvious. I feel kinda like he wants me back too.

Okay, enough of that! Before I forget or go on too long, here are the wonderful winners of the award that I am passing on!! Congrats to all of you and hope I’m inspiring my readers to check you out!! 😀

1. Accidental Masturbator
2. Because I’m a Whore
3. Dominant Soul
4. Eroticnoire
5. Gemini Words
6. Letters to My Lover’s Wife
7. My Puzzled Life
8. Passive Aggressive Abuse
9. Red, Red, Apples
10. Ten Years In
11. The Invisible Woman
12. The Mommaleh
13. The Wandering Mind
14. Theo Black
15. Tixarah

Sinking low

drowning

I’ve been having a hard time even bringing myself to update my blog lately.  I think the depression stage of getting over a breakup has been hitting me hard.  Not to mention anything that reeks of “depression” TERRIFIES me. 

Realize that I am the daughter of a woman with depression so severe that she has gone to the point of near death by suicide twice, and you might understand why.  I would do virtually ANYTHING to avoid feeling “depressed” and sometimes behave recklessly rather than allow myself to wallow.  It took me less than 3 weeks to contract a freaking STD after the way things ended with the Professor and I’m trying not to be like that, but it vacillates. 

I keep going back and forth between anger and tears.  For a while things were falling apart at home. I couldn’t get things done and my daily routine completely flew out the window.  I’ve gained weight; my sleep schedule has been crazy. I feel like I can’t function.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do. 😦

This past weekend I went home to visit for my brother’s graduation.  My period not only started late and interfered with things but wanted to hang on, causing spotting and me feeling like a bloated balloon all through the time I could have met with the married guy or the one I had the affair with. 

I talked with both of them but we ended up not getting together.  Partly due to my period, and partly due to other factors but I just didn’t have the motivation to make it work.  Instead I hung out with my siblings and family.  Of course, I enjoyed that but for me not to be that excited about sex with these guys is HUGE.  It is so not like me at all to be apathetic about sex and most especially when it’s with someone that is the best of my life or that I’ve been emotionally so into in the past.

I’ve been so despondent.  Things with the Professor hurt me a lot more than I would have thought and I think I liked/loved him a lot more than I even wanted to admit to myself.  I am emotionally just CRUSHED that things turned out the way they did and still so confused as to why.  I feel like all the life has been sucked out of my body.

Somehow I’ve been managing to get through the days, mostly not breaking down until I’m lying in my bed at night.  Then I just sob my heart out.  I’ve been staying up really late, I think to avoid having to face the thoughts in my mind when I’m alone in bed.  Then I get woken up early by the kids and I just look a hot mess.

My sister did my hair yesterday and that has been helping me feel a little better.  I had her brighten it up a bit with warmer tones and I love it.  It’s sort of a coppery brown with golden highlights, which is closer to the natural state of my hair as a kid.  We’d been trying to avoid the natural reddish undertones that my hair tends to pull beforehand but I think it looks much better when I let them shine and brightens up my face and goes better with my green eyes. 

So it has been cheering me up a bit and I came home and got quite a bit done yesterday after unpacking.  Oh, and my grandma gave me some natural supplements that are supposed to help with weight loss.  It’s really just the 15 lbs or so that I keep losing then gaining back but I want to get rid of it for good.  I’ve never tried dieting really or pills but maybe these will help and they are natural so we will see.  I work out several days a week and take my Zumba and pole dancing classes and stuff, but right now it doesn’t seem to be helping. 

My diet has admittedly suffered though these past few weeks.  Then of course, I’ve had bloating from my menstrual cycle.  I dropped off like 5 lbs this morning from yesterday so that is going down and helping me feel a little better too. I do tend to hit a depressed state that time of the month and gain some water weight which makes me feel like crap.

I keep wanting to say I’m on my way to getting over this but I’m really not sure.  There are days when I feel like I am doing better but then nighttime falls and I am a wreck.  Ugh.

I’m still not lacking for men that want to talk to me.  There is a swinger guy I may or may not meet with next weekend and my fuck buddy texted to ask where I’ve been and says he misses me.  The married man says his wife will be out of town soon and the guy I had the affair with was really disappointed that we missed each other.  Then there is that guy I kissed awhile back who gave me the flowers.  He’s been emailing me again.  Oh, and I got a text from the guy with the small dick (I should probably think up a nicer way to refer to him, lol) wanting to see me this weekend too.  Plus there’s this other guy who just got married, but has been talking about flying me out to see him for quite a while.  Lots of prospects, just need to get over this pesky broken heart. :p

The guy I had the affair with has been kind of cracking me up.  His texts are interesting.  He’s gone back to being really possessive lately, even though we haven’t seen each other in like 6 months and rarely talk.  Out of the blue he’s telling me I’m his and he doesn’t want to share.  I just sort of laughed it off and he was like “Lovergirl, I’m serious”.  I’m not sure how to take that.  I used to love his possessive attitude towards me but right now it seems so far removed.  I had said if he wanted it to be his he was going to have to come get it (meaning get your butt down here soon, lol) and he said “I am going to come get it!! And I’d better not find out someone else is getting it or there will be problems”.  What??  Men, I swear they are so weird sometimes.  Why would he act territorial NOW, when we’ve not been an item for a long time?

Anyhow, I’m trying not to think too much about what the Professor has been up to.  Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to me or he would.  It has been over four weeks now since we’ve spoken to one another.  He seems perpetually always signed on to the swinger site but I think it’s always been like that.  He was on my “friends” list there so I’m used to seeing his name as “online”.  I think it must just mean his phone is on or something.  I try to stay away from his profile, his house, anything like that, no matter how tempting it is to look.  Everything about thinking about him makes me feel so disappointed and hurt. 

Who knows?  Maybe he’s spending all his free time with that married woman now or playing with whomever off the swinger site.  I guess I know one thing for sure and that’s that he never really cared that much about me or the friendship in the way he pretended to.  He’s never even bothered to check and see how things are going with all the stressful stuff he knew was happening here at my house with my oldest child. 

This really isn’t doing much to help my trust towards men in general.  I feel betrayed because he ACTED like someone who really liked me but then just turned on me and disappeared when it didn’t fit his agenda.  I don’t understand why, if he just wanted to be FWB, he would do all that stuff for me and get involved in my daily life and act like I meant something to him.  They always say you can judge a man’s feelings more by his actions than his words but in this case I guess I should have been listening to his words and ignoring the actions.  I’d much rather he never have done all that stuff and given me hope if he didn’t mean it.  :/

 

 

 

 

Just sayin…

hard

No plans yet this weekend and I’ll admit I’m still feeling the pain of distance from the Professor. Still I’ve got some things to look forward to in the near future. One of my old girlfriends is coming to town soon and we are planning a night out, yay!! 🙂

It’s rare I get to go out on the town due to NOT having any females that are cool like that with me around here. She and I used to live it up back in the day, haha. I was definitely the wilder one sexually, as she remained a virgin until 18. Nevertheless we managed to get into all kinds of craziness, of the teenage girl variety.

I still remember the first guy she had sex with and how we met him. It was the beginning of the summer after we graduated from high school. We had gone over to some other girlfriends apartment but they weren’t home yet. Meanwhile we decided to climb on top of a motorcycle that was parked out front and pretend we were going for a ride. The bike belonged to some college aged guy who was living up above them and when he yelled hey what are you doing, of course we had to throw out some sexual innuendo. I don’t recall what we actually said but it was something to the effect of “you know you like to see us riding on your big toy!”

Somehow I ended up kissing this guy, while he was getting ready to leave with a group of people in the back of a pickup truck. I came back over to my friend and she was like “did you just kiss him?” incredulously, lol and I said yes and we were laughing. Then we went upstairs to harass his roommate.

The poor guy was trying to study for a final but we gave him no peace. We had him stripped down to his boxers with a raging hard on, pretending we were going to give him a threesome, kissing him on both his cheeks. and telling him we didn’t want him to do schoolwork. There was no real intention behind this, we just thought it was funny to get him all excited.

At some point his roommate came back and I ended up in the bedroom with HIM. He seriously got to the point of “just the tip in” sex and that is all I would let him do! I really couldn’t tell you for the life of me WHY I was being such a tease but I never did have full on sex with him. He was getting pretty aggressive trying to push for sex, but I kept telling him no. He was a good looking, muscular guy with blonde hair and blue eyes but I think I was turned off by his pushiness for some reason.

Meanwhile my friend I think fucked the other dude. I never did sleep with the roommate but it turned out to be a good deal anyhow as they both worked in a liquor store. We’d go in there and pretend to buy alcohol and pretend to show them our ID’s and they would pretend to sell it to us while letting us take it for free. Being we were too young to buy alcohol for real we though this was pretty awesome, as did our friends.

Once, when they had moved to a bigger apartment with even more guys, we brought over some girlfriends with every plan to party. Turns out no one was home but they had left the door unlocked. We went inside and helped ourselves to the liquor cabinet and were standing in the kitchen doing shots when one of the girls got the bright idea to call over some guy friends.

The guys were game for awhile but with all the naked female posters on the wall and porn mags in the bathroom I think they figured out the house didn’t belong to any of us girls. For some reason they were less comfortable with this arrangement than us girls and eventually we left, LMAO.

We called these guys “the frat boys” as that’s kind of what they acted like, though I’m not sure they belonged to any actual fraternity, they were living in an apartment after all and not a frat house. Several times we went to big parties at their house so that was fun too and my friend slept with the guy a few more times but she never fell in love with him or anything.

I could go on all night with stories of things we did, like the time we got this guy to take us home from a bar and make us this big huge breakfast complete with smoothies because we were starving with the munchies. I’m sure he thought he was going to score with two girls that night but we ended up saying we had to go around 7am and never saw the poor guy again. Oh and there is the time we got into this truth or dare striptease with a bunch of random male strangers.

We had all kinds of adventures and I can’t even remember half of them right now but I know a night out with her will never be boring. She’s come down here before and we even managed to have fun in the totally lame bars they have going on here. I love hanging out with old friends because I can act like the nutcase I really am. People in this area seem so uptight. Even the swinger parties have their sort of cliquish behavior. Boooo….

Anyhow I’ve got that AND I’m headed home again soon for a family member’s graduation. The married man has offered to get me a hotel room up there when I visit so we can have playtime together. Oooohhh that sounds so fun, I so hope it works out! Plus the guy I had the affair with is up that way too and wants to see me. It’s been a long time and he is another one of those people that has known me long enough that I feel like I can just be me. I love sitting around talking and laughing with him about things and people we grew up with. It’s almost as good as hanging out with my siblings, plus we get to have sex, lol. Looking forward to it all.

Meanwhile, I need a good suggestion for a movie to watch tonight!! I ‘haven’t seen many movies at all in the past like 20 years and it has to be something I can watch on Netflix. Any good breakup movies?? I like stuff that will make me laugh, as opposed to cry, or that is heartwarming and has a good ending. I’m here with the kids and about to down a bottle of Moscato while they are fast asleep in bed.

Trying, trying, trying not to wonder what’s up with the Prof. :/ Haven’t decided yet if I’ll troll Craigslist for tomorrow. I guess there’s always that guy I emailed with who has the Sybian too, that might be fun….

You’re gonna miss what you had…

It’s ten days in and I haven’t contacted the Professor.  I hope he’s miserable.  I hope he’s realizing what a dumb move it was to dump me and how hard it will be for him to find a replacement.  Sure, he can go around banging these old married ladies but none of them are ever going to compare to me.  I mean, not to be conceited, but…if everything guys tell me is true then I’m not such a bad “catch”. 

PLUS, he will always have to deal with their husbands, with a man involved, whether he is watching or taking pictures or into threesomes or just telling his wife whether or not she can play that day.  There aren’t a lot of single women in the Lifestyle either.  There’s a reason they are called “unicorns”.  He can’t even get into a lot of the swinger parties without a woman as a date.  No one else is going to be as accessible as I was and the majority of single women outside of the Lifestyle are not going to be near as easygoing about coming along for the ride. 

Every single man I meet that is on the swinger site WANTS me to come to a party with him! The fuck buddy has asked me as well as the married man and the officer and a couple guys I’ve gone on dates with or talked to.  They all seem to be looking for a swinging partner. I’ve always said no in the past because I didn’t want to show up with anyone other than the Professor.  People already were treating us as though we were a couple and I felt like it would be disrespectful.  He said himself that he got a lot more offers and attention when I was there with him. I think he deserves to be knocked upside the head, lol.

Even barring all that, he also told me I was some of the best sex he’s ever had in his life.  So it’s not just me that will be missing out on that little perk.  Take that!

Oh, and he’s a man.  For the most part women aren’t coming up to him and seeking him out for sex.  He has to go looking and looking and looking and put up with all kinds of rejection in the process.  Me, not so much.  There is a lot more chance of him ending up lonely and by himself than me.  Yes, he’s fabulous in bed but no one is going to be aware of that until they agree to have sex with him and even then some people just really do have more chemistry than others

I don’t really know why men think I’m good in bed but they keep telling me that.  The officer actually texted me today to tell me “your sex game is amazing”, LMAO.  

Then he wanted to know if I had another woman I wanted to bring in on the fun. :p  Men are so funny.  They all seem to think women like fucking their girlfriends and that we are going to have one on hand to share guys with.  Yeah right!  I can’t think of anything more likely to cause drama in a friendship than that, even if I were so inclined. 

Anyhow, he’s also missing out on the daily companionship and affection from me.  Sure he can get that from the married woman too, but she’s far away and limited in her interactions with him.  She’s not going to bring him by a meal when he’s sick or physically be there to touch and tease him except on rare occasions.  I mean, it was over six months since he last had sex with her, assuming he’s telling the truth.

The majority of our interactions were fun and lighthearted and sexy and affectionate.  I think I’ve written about most of the drama.  If that’s too much for him, well, there is a lot he could have done to prevent it so I feel like it’s partially his choice.  Yes, I have things I need to work on and I’m not forgetting that but I don’t want to take ALL the blame either.

Last month I slept with 4 guys.  The Professor, my fuck buddy, the guy I met off Craigslist that had the smallish cock and the Officer. I also went on a date with another guy and though I didn’t get to write about it, I did end up going back over to his house for a kiss.  He was the guy that gave me the flowers. He had said how much he wanted to kiss me and asked me to stop by so I finally did and we kissed for a few then I left, lol.  Haven’t heard from him since, which is odd, but again we both were having breakups and I didn’t feel any real chemistry. 

My grandmother, the night after our first date, informed me that at some point I had accidentally dialed her number on my phone and that she was sitting there listening to our conversation “for 8-10 minutes”.  Lovely!  LOL  She told me she heard him talking about his girlfriend, so apparently she knows I was out with some guy that had a girlfriend who is pregnant with another man’s (possibly) baby though it could also be his.  Wonder if she heard anything about Craigslist??  At least it was a fairly tame conversation, lmao.  I can only imagine if I’d been there with the Officer or something…..eek!

The Professor did look at my swinger profile once so far.  Wonder what he was thinking?  I do miss him, a lot, but I’m also pretty hurt and as the days go by I feel more angry.  Maybe I am getting over him, that is one of the stages of grief. 

I was looking at the swinger site tonight and guess whose profile I came across?  The DJ stalker guy I wrote about in Stopping the Stalkers! And guess who had validated him and said they were FWB?  One of the women that the Professor has told me he played with before!  Hilarious!  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since there are a limited amount of folks in this area on that site and it would make sense that we might have the same taste.  She had also told the Professor she really liked that guy I went out on a date with but thought smelled?  Ewwwww…. 

The DJ is pretty good looking and has nice pics.  He was just….crazy.  Of course with this woman being married also he probably didn’t act like such a nutcase and wasn’t trying to get her to be his girlfriend! With her husband around he probably wasn’t going to hold her down and refuse to let her get up or go in without a condom when she was insisting he should wear one.  I think there are a lot of benefits to having a more serious man in your life if you are going to play this way. 

Doing it as a single woman is definitely a lot more risky, not just physically, but emotionally.  I definitely would have felt a lot safer if the Professor had wanted to do this from the framework of having a “relationship” but he didn’t want to give me that. That’s really what the gist of our coming to an end had to do with.  I couldn’t handle it without a more secure base to work from.

My other option is to just keep emotional distance from everyone and I can do that when I set my mind to it.  If I’m not attached to anyone it’s not going to hurt so much to be rejected or feel abandoned.  Still, it’s one of the reasons I stay away from FMF threesomes, thus far.  I had that one experience where I felt left out and it killed me to the point that I am very afraid of going there without the reassurance that the guy involved is super into ME. 

Maybe it would be different if I just come in as a third wheel though so far I have shied away from that too.  There is this guy I have texted with back and forth that has a really nice body (per his pics anyway) who texted me a picture of a girl he has played with before and asked me if I’d consider a threesome with them.  I saw her pic and was thinking um, no way.  This girl looks way younger than me and clearly hasn’t had kids and it’s like I so don’t want to be the old hag in the interaction that gets “left out”.  Yeah, no thanks!  The only time it sounded more appealing was when the married man wanted me to join him and his wife, lol.  Because in that case I just wouldn’t feel the jealousy.  However, she might.  Plus, he’s good enough in bed for the both of us and then some!

 Dangit I wish he was free on weekends.  Gonna have to figure something out here soon with him. 😉 Talked to him recently and he says he wants to see me but no solid plans.  The FWB is off to another state again and the guy I had the affair with is stuck at home for an event with his kid.  He invited me to come along actually, but I don’t think I will, lol.  I should be up that way in a few weeks anyway.

Of course my trusty fuck buddy is still around and the Officer should be swinging back this way shortly.  I wonder though, if I will end up alone and depressed for the weekend.   Maybe it’s time to hit up Craigslist?  Or perhaps I will just spend it getting my massage and nails done and taking one of my kids on an outing that we’ve planned.  Guess I will see.  I don’t want to sleep with just anyone and still want to be choosy.  I know all too well how decisions on sleeping with someone made in haste sometimes end up in regret. :p

Does he miss me?

I happened to look at the swinger site tonight and saw that the Professor had viewed my profile. I wonder why? It’s bringing all sorts of feelings up that I’ve been trying to push aside.

I know it could mean nothing. Maybe he was just checking to see if I’d removed the little blurb I had on there about HIM. Before, I’d put down that I had someone I play with sometimes, if anyone wanted to play with us together and gave a brief description. I took it down the other day when it seemed like stuff was truly over with us.

I haven’t talked to him for 5 days. I don’t even have the desire to try and contact him because I felt so hopeless with our last conversation. He seemed bent on ending things and believing that I’m just too much trouble and work for him. He said his relationship with that married woman was more valuable to him right now and that cut like a knife. I was pretty much speechless after that and just said ok, goodbye and hung up the phone. I was choking back tears and I’m sure he could hear it in my voice.

So I don’t know if he’s missing me or maybe just feeling sorry for me. I really don’t want anyone’s pity. If he doesn’t want to be with me for my own merits, screw it. Of course, being a typical female, now I’m going to analyze this whole thing to death though. Does he miss me?? Wah!! 😦

Who knows, maybe he was showing someone ELSE my profile and telling them who he USED to play with. There’s really no telling. I know what I WANT it to be. I want to believe he misses me and regrets what he said. Wonder what the chances are of that? Probably shouldn’t get my hopes up. :/

I’m sure on some level he’s GOT to miss the sex at least. But maybe not. Men have that reputation for wanting more variety and getting bored with the same person more easily.

He’s always claiming I over-exaggerate his ability to find women to sleep with but I’m not so sure. There are lots of options out there in the swinging community and it’s not like he was having trouble before he met me. There’s been several women who’ve at least asked him to meet with them since we’ve been together, though he mostly turned them down and chose to be with me instead.

I never told him he had to do that or anything but he acts as though he was doing me a favor. He also claimed that his reason for not seeing the married woman for so long was partly because of me. According to him, he didn’t want to upset me too much. I think he resented this, but really he was making assumptions, not basing it on any actual statements on my part. Not that I don’t understand, I greatly curtailed the amount of outside sex I was having so as not to hurt him too because I knew he didn’t like it.

I think maybe he thought being done with me would give him more freedom and he can just do whatever the hell he wants without thinking about anyone else’s feelings. That’s true, to an extent it would give him that. Sometimes though, endless No Strings Attached sex can still make a person feel pretty lonely. I think even for men.

Maybe he needs time to figure that out for himself, and by then maybe he will find someone he’d rather be with than me. Or maybe he really is much happier with that married woman for whatever reason. Maybe he didn’t ever like me all that much. I don’t know but I’m still aching inside and I definitely miss the sex. A connection like that doesn’t really come that easily, at least in my experience.

I guess on the plus side I can have less guilt about playing with whomever in the mean time. I mean, this isn’t like a regular relationship and he didn’t want that with me anyway. It was open anyhow, lol. So while I do feel kinda bad when I meet with other guys I know I don’t have a legit reason to stop doing so.

I went out on a date tonight with a new guy. We met at his apartment. I was a little reluctant to do so at first but he called and assured me over the phone that he was “not like other guys” and that I had nothing to fear. He sounded sincere enough.

So I showed up and he was just as nice looking as his pics. He was a tall, attractive, in shape and nice guy. We talked and had nice conversation. He then took me out for ice cream and gave me a bouquet of flowers. See?

flowers

But he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. :p I wonder if he was even attracted to me? He did mention how he loved that I always seemed to be smiling. Still, I just felt a distinct lack of chemistry. Maybe it was due to the fact that he is fresh out of a recent breakup (as am I). He said his ex cheated on him with another man and now she is pregnant and doesn’t know if the baby belongs to him or the new guy but she’s made it clear she WANTS it to belong to the new dude. Ouch. He’d just moved out to a hotel a couple months ago and then to this apartment within the past couple of days. There were still boxes around though the living room was set up nicely.

In any case, I left and haven’t heard from him yet. I’m not sure I really want to. It’s not that there is anything lacking about him specifically, just wasn’t really a sexual vibe. I’m pretty sure he’s not the type that would be okay with the fact that I’m sleeping with other guys and I’m not wanting to hurt anyone either.

I HAVE heard from that other guy a couple times (the one I slept with the other night that wasn’t so well endowed). I’ve been polite but not trying to get his hopes up too much. I told him I’m busy this weekend and I had mentioned the swinger site to him before and he said he checked it out and is enjoying it. Maybe that will be a good distraction to keep him from being too interested in me.

I still have plans to meet with that one older guy for sex later this weekend. I’ll let you all know how that goes! I have to admit that I really do miss the Professor a lot. 😦 Trying not to think too much about what he might be up to. :/