So I was reading a post by one of my favorite bloggers, Not So Sex in the City, where she talks about her frustration in not being able to make this guy cum from a blowjob.
It kind of got the wheels spinning in my head because until last year I was one of those women who just couldn’t seem to cum with a man, not from oral, not from sex, not even in their presence. Though, Lord knows I was having plenty of orgasms on my own. Heck, I’d been having orgasms by myself since I was like 8 years old.
It’s not that I didn’t WANT to cum with men because I did! I very much wanted that experience and couldn’t understand why it wasn’t happening. It’s also not that I didn’t enjoy the sex because I very much DID. I enjoyed sex a LOT and didn’t think it was important that I have an orgasm during because I loved it so much anyway.
Thankfully, the majority of the men I had sex with didn’t seem too bothered that I wasn’t having orgasms. Perhaps they couldn’t even tell and many seemed to think I was great in bed. I made plenty of noise because I WAS having a good time. It wasn’t fake but when it came to an actual orgasm, I always seemed to be just on the edge, even with guys who I’d say were pretty darn good in bed.
Now I’m not gonna say I’ve NEVER faked an orgasm, because I have, though in recent years I’ve refused to. Now that I’m older and wiser I know better than to send a false message to a guy and let him think he’s getting me off when he isn’t. I don’t want to ruin the possibility that he may actually be able to do it for me for REAL in the future or turn him into a bad lover for the next woman.
I was so frustrated though! Frustrated that those fantasies of orgasms during sex seemed to be just that, a fantasy, and so out of reach. I wondered if women ever really did cum from vaginal sex and had my doubts, thinking that was probably a myth. I wondered if I would ever be able to cum from oral from another person.
I had vague memories of small orgasms when I was very young that came from another girl and I rubbing on each other as well and that fueled my belief that pressure on the clit was the only way. I’d heard and read things from men online claiming they had made a woman cum vaginally 30 times in an hour or something and thought that was complete bullshit and the women were faking it. How could that even be possible? I was convinced they were full of shit. The women who made those claims? Please they must be making that up! How could that even be possible? One orgasm with my toy and I was pretty much spent, at least for several minutes.
A lot of my fantasies actually involved other women, because I was so fixated on the idea that I was only capable of clitoral orgasms and it seemed that men just never knew well enough what to do and wouldn’t stay down there long enough to make it happen. Sure, some of them got me to the brink but then would disappoint by failing to “finish” me in that manner, probably due to eagerness to get their dick inside me. Not that I minded that at all, and I was generally chomping at the bit to get to fucking too, but it still remained a secret fantasy.
Part of the problem may have been that my first orgasms were using a shower massager and subsequently that was how a lot of my masturbation sessions went. I was very addicted to the warm, wet feeling of rushing water against my clit. Water that probably was much stronger than a tongue could ever be. I can even remember cumming at the public swimming pool when I was younger from leaning up against the water jets on the side. It just felt SO GOOD.
Though there were times I fingered myself or used objects inserted in my pussy when I was very turned on, I never was able to use them to the point of orgasm and always had to finish with water on my clit if I was going to cum. So that became my routine. While I fantasized about trying sex toys, I never was able to get my hands on one. My ex- husband was very against vibrators or sex aids of any kind so there was no way I could have gotten away with hiding one inside the house. Still there were many times I used a hairbrush handle or other device along with running water for double the pleasure. Hey, you gotta make do! LOL
It wasn’t until after my divorce that I finally invested in a sex toy. I didn’t have a shower massager in my house and while I could make myself cum still with running water it took a lot more effort. Not to mention that even the shower massager had gotten to the point where it was seemingly taking forever. I think by “forever” it was something like 20 minutes and by then the water was getting cold and that was with the massager, without it took a lot longer. Anyway, I was eager to try something new.
OH. MY. GOD. I loved that thing! Still do!! I got a Wet Turtle Vibrator from Adam and Eve (kind of like a rabbit, but with a single nub instead of “ears”) that I came so hard with, and in about 30 seconds the first time, ha! It was WONDERFUL!! I was so in love! Mmmmm…. I wore the dang thing out after about six months and had to get a new one. I have two now, just in case.
I tried a few other toys but they just didn’t do it for me. I mean, I could cum eventually but it was like eons later. One was a bigger rabbit style toy with ears that kinda hurt, another was a butterfly style thing that you strapped on like panties and wore and were supposed to be able to use with a partner and the last was some cheap piece of crap thing that was about half the size of my current toy with less than half the power. Didn’t do much but get me irritable because I couldn’t cum. Boo….
Anyway, I got used to my new toy and the feeling of something inside me during my orgasm and admittedly liked that even better than the hairbrush/water combo, lol. Some of those hairbrush handles are pretty nice nowadays too. 😉 Still, eventually, it got to where even THAT took a long time. Don’t get me wrong, there were/are times when I can still cum with it in under 5 minutes but most times we are looking at anywhere from 15-40.
Still, I was feeling more and more helpless and hopeless as far as a real man being able to make me orgasm. I thought about trying with a woman but hadn’t gone there just yet either, I suppose due to fear. I wondered if it would ever happen. Guys I’d never met told me that the other guys just weren’t doing it right, but I wasn’t so sure I believed them. The majority of the guys I have been with in my life were pretty experienced actually.
When my current FWB pulled me aside the morning after we’d had sex for the first time to discuss my lack of orgasming with him I was mortified. HE was more upset with HIMSELF for not making it happen but to me it was a humiliation. I felt like a total failure and didn’t know what to say when he asked what he could do differently. I wanted to crawl through the floor! He had pulled me on his lap on the couch and said he had a lot of fun but wanted to know what he could do and I didn’t know what to tell him! I was so embarrassed that I was unable to please him in that way. I felt awful and was afraid he’d never want to see me again because of it.
Fortunately he still did and months later, after several times of sleeping with him but no orgasms on my part, he did manage to make me cum. It was right before Valentine’s day and he was getting ready to leave the country for several months. I came right as he did (inside the condom inside me) and it felt great but it wasn’t a loud screaming type of orgasm. Still I could feel the unmistakable contractions that were just like when I came by myself in the shower or with my toy. He didn’t even know until I mentioned it later but he was happy to hear it. I was surprised, but pleased because now I knew it was a real possibility. Yay!! 🙂
Shortly after, I met my married man, off Craigslist, and well, here’s a bit of the story here: It’s a Small World After All
Mmmmmm…. He was and is SO INCREDIBLE!! I must have cum 50 times that night!! Then there was that time he used my toy on me while he went down on me and I just came over and over and over for like 20 minutes straight. I’ve cum with a few guys since then. The Professor (my current favorite) and my fuck buddy are both able to get me there regularly. I also came with the guy I mention in my first swinger party post that I did on a trailhead at a local walkway, even though I didn’t like him as much and also with a Hispanic guy that got me there with his fingers, maybe even some others but that’s all I know for sure right now. Still, I’m thrilled!! And yes the FWB has managed to do it again a couple of times as well. 😉
I’ve had to ask myself what has changed for me since before and I can come (pardon the pun, heh) up with several reasons it might be easier for me now.
1. I have RELAXED. I don’t feel “pressured” to cum for guys now or like it’s all on me.
2. I’ve stopped worrying as much about getting the GUY off and have become more selfish in bed. That might seem counterintuitive but it’s been key in me being able to obtain orgasms, which ultimately makes men happier with me.
3. I’ve come to realize that I’m really much happier being submissive in bed and there is no reason to pretend to be someone I’m not. Guys may talk shit about women who “just lay there” in bed but in reality that is what is going to make him into the super lover that he wants to be, at least with me! Allowing him to have control is definitely a big part of me losing mine. Nowadays I screen for men who LIKE to be dominant in bed. It makes a huge difference to me because I don’t want to be the one in control.
4. Getting older? I don’t know if it’s just the wisdom that comes with age or if there is more to it than that but the Professor says a lot of women he knows weren’t able to orgasm with men until they were in their 30’s. That’s one of the reasons he says he prefers older women too. By then we “know what we want” more. He has also theorized that it has something to do with physical changes in the walls of your vagina where you feel differently, but I don’t know if that’s the case or not. Still a possibility!
5. Men get more skilled as they get older and gain more experience and nowadays I’m meeting more skilled men than in the past.
6. My body got more used to cumming in a different way with a toy rather than always in the shower. I think this did change some things because nowadays it takes me a lot longer with the shower massager than with a toy. So I may have retrained my body not to need that.
7. Something about finally cumming the first time vaginally and then that experience with the married man set me off or let my body loose to experience what I was holding back on before without realizing it. I was always just teetering on the brink but couldn’t get there and now I don’t have that hump to cross.
Whatever it is, I am happy!! LOL The married man started me off making me cum with oral for the first time, over and over and he is still the only one who has been able to do that. Yet, now I can cum vaginally with or without oral beforehand and of course I still enjoy both to the full.
As for making a guy cum with a blowjob, for those who say they never can, I suspect their hangups are sometimes similar to mine in that if they feel a lot of pressure it’s not as likely to happen. The Professor is one of these men who “can’t” cum with a blowjob and says he never has before as well. I’ve thought inwardly that I would like to change that for him but I haven’t put in the real effort to make it happen just yet. I do give him blowjobs but it’s generally a prelude to sex or a break during. He does cum in my mouth quite often, which I enjoy, but he pulls out at the end when he feels he is going to orgasm and I suck him off from there. We don’t use condoms so it’s a nice way to finish with less risk of pregnancy.
There was one time when I had offered to come over and give him just a blowjob (when I was on my period) and he ended up seeing that married woman instead and I got my feelings hurt. He made some comment about how that “wasn’t enough” and he would want to have sex. I admit that has turned me off a bit towards making it happen. That and he takes a REALLY LONG TIME to cum during sex, which is fabulous for making ME cum but the thought of giving an hour and a half blowjob IS a tad daunting, lol.
Still I would like to try, I just don’t want him to feel that he HAS to please me that way or I know it will make it harder (cumming, not his cock, lol, that’s always hard with me 😉 ). I’ve got this theory that the people that have a hard time orgasming are often GIVERS in the bedroom. It’s how I USED to see things. I used to feel like I needed to be the one making HIM happy and go out of my way to please. Since I stopped doing as much and focusing more just on receiving and relaxing it has gone much better.
The Professor is very much a giver in the bedroom and he succeeds in giving me orgasms over and over and over consistently but as far as kicking back and just enjoying a good long blow job with no expectations I think that is harder for him. I’m so gonna have to work on making that become a reality at least once. He did comment once that I had made him hard right after sex and made him able to go for a second round and he said even when he was younger that was never a possibility for him, so there’s a start anyway, lol. Wish me luck!! Maybe I will be his “first” at something else!! 😀