Tag Archive | bdsm

Thoughts on submission

submission

Lately I’ve been pondering some things about dominance and submission.  Now, before you get too excited, realize I’ve never considered myself as a part of the BDSM community.  I really don’t know a whole lot about it, just read little bits here and there. 

I find it somewhat fascinating but at the same time scary sounding.  I’m not fond of being in pain or hurting anyone so that part doesn’t sound appealing to me.  I see things like floggers, electric shockers, and nipple clamps and I’m thinking OMG, no, not for me!

I had a chance to talk with a male friend once who had gone to his very first BDSM convention.  He talked about some of the workshops and about people who wore latex masks over their heads and all kinds of things I had never heard of (at the time) that were happening.  It was very interesting, but for me pretty much stopped there. 

That’s not to say I’m not curious.  I’m curious about things like what it would be like to be tied up or blindfolded.  I wonder just how much spanking I could handle (I do like that!).  All in all, my thoughts about it are pretty tame, compared to what I know is out there, and I’ve probably only scratched the surface as far as reading and learning about BDSM.

I find the idea of power play a little more intriguing than the pain aspect.  I’ve experienced some of that with my lovers and it has turned me on.  Some things that come more naturally, and don’t require props or safewords, have been part of my sex life on many of occasions. 

I’ve always been really turned on by men that are very dominant in bed.  Not mean though, it doesn’t excite me when someone calls me names or gets overly rough.  No, I like them passionate in an almost romantic way in the bedroom.  Passionate and in control, but still very affectionate and focusing on getting ME off, rather than their own selfish desires, that will get satisfied in the end anyhow.

I guess that’s a pretty tall order.  Maybe I am spoiled because I have found men who have been able to give me that very thing.  As few and far between as they may be, I’m becoming more adroit at identifying those that can satisfy the cravings of my mind and body. 

Recently, when I was having dinner with a man I have met at some swinger parties and a couple he was here visiting; the topic of choking came up.  None of them found it to be a sexual turn on.  I said that I had thought I never would either, but when it actually happened during sex, it turned me on much more than expected.  They looked at me like I’d grown another head!  LOL

Yet, it’s true.  I had always thought I would hate being choked during sex.  I was terrified of the idea.  Yet the first time a man did it to me in the bedroom, I came.  It was actually right before I met the married man who made me cum so many times in a row and it was mild in comparison, but it happened.  It was with my FWB who does have a tendency to like a little roughness between the sheets. When I told Mr. Firm of our dinner conversation he laughed and said a lot of women say one thing but in bed like another. He was like “I could tell you liked that”.

It calls to mind memories of the guy who was my very favorite sex partner as a teenager.  We hated each other’s guts!  Pretty much anyway, lol.  Yet, the sex was addicting.  We’d come back to fucking again and again, despite the way we treated one another outside the bedroom. 

I’ve mentioned him a few times on my blog.  The first time we had sex it was actually forced and as part of a bunch of guys pulling a train on me, one that I didn’t want to participate in.  I had willingly slept with the first guy but HE was the 2nd, the one who got on top of me and wouldn’t get off or allow me to get dressed.  He wouldn’t take no for an answer and slowly inched his way in, despite my protests, all while confusing me even more with the things he was whispering in my ear.

 Despite the fact that I was adamant about not wanting to have sex with him, he was deliberately turning me on.  He knew what he was doing and I can guarantee that wasn’t the only time he’s done it.  It happened again, a second time, where they pulled a train on me and he was again the person that pushed it.  The first time we were in a park and the police showed up before the guys scattered and the second we were in a house and I was alone in a room on the couch with the other guy before he came in. 

Those were actually fairly traumatic experiences for me emotionally but like I have said before I continued to have sex with him.  Outwardly, I couldn’t stand this guy.  I couldn’t stand his asshole attitude (I even call him The Asshole in one of my blog posts, My Deep, Dark Past).  He was a real jerk and we would be at each other’s THROATS in arguments. 

I can remember one time, being at a party in this guy’s backyard and we got into it.  We were yelling and cussing at one another over something and he suddenly picked me up off the ground and started walking.  I was actually a little scared of what he was about to do.  He picked me up and carried me down those basement steps, stopping to pretend he was going drop me every once in a while, causing me to scream and hang onto his neck. 

When we got to the bed, he threw me on it and started pulling off my clothes.  I didn’t say no that time but he took exactly what he wanted and it got a little rough.  He was shoving my face down on the pillow and at some point a couple guys came down and were watching.  It was hot!! 😉  LOL

There was another time we had been dropped off at this Mexican drug dealer’s house and were stuck there all night.  All the bedrooms were occupied and he and I were in the living room, fighting like cats and dogs.  One of the Mexican guys finally came out of his room and threw a pair of boxing gloves at us, telling us to shut up already and just duke it out.  Haha.

Later, some really creepy, crackhead looking motherfuckers with missing teeth came to the house and we were stuck with them too, in the living room.  They were adults and we were still really kids and these guys were leering and hitting on me.  I was scared, but The Asshole actually stood up for me, backed me up against the wall behind him and was cussing them out and threatening them. 

We ended up having sex after that, on the floor in another room and all the tension was relieved.  He let me sleep up next to him, with his arm out across me to ward off the bad guys, lol. 😉 He’s really not all that bad, though he did spend some years in prison after being tried as an adult for holding up someplace with a gun, soon after.

The day before that happened was the last time I ever touched him.  He came up behind me, while I was standing in a front yard at this guy’s house and put me in a choke hold with a loaded gun up against my head.  He said “don’t move or I’ll shoot”.  I said “you wouldn’t shoot me”.  He cocked the gun and pulled his arm tighter around my throat “say I won’t!!”  I said “you’d miss me too much” and he was like “say I won’t do it” and looked me in the eye. I said “do it then” and turned my cheek toward him. He stood there. “Come on then, do it! I dared him. He kind of smirked and put down the gun.  I could tell by the look in his eyes he could never go through with that ;). 

He’s on my Facebook now and he’s married and life has changed, but I told that story to illustrate how early on in life I was already getting off a little bit on a power exchange dynamic.  It was hot!!  He was great in bed for how young we were and despite being rather forceful would turn into an almost totally different person with the passion and affection and things he would say to me (he loved to talk during sex).

Nowadays I have come to realize just how much I ENJOY a man taking control in the bedroom and that feeling of helplessness.  All of my favorite men have at some point called me “really submissive”.  I hope, and think, that means they like it!  LOL  My ex- husband sure didn’t, because he was the same way. 

I’ve struggled a bit, with the whole being submissive thing, because I know I am and that naturally that is just me.  However, so many people seem to equate it with weakness.  If I’m honest I would say that actually in a way I do too.  My ex husband’s submissiveness was a total turn off to me.  I didn’t want a man to act weak in the bedroom. 

So I wonder, if men really even like that?  I sometimes feel like I am not DOING anything and wonder why men still say I am good in bed.  Do some people actually enjoy and LIKE it when someone is letting them call all the shots?  I know there are guys that do, it’s just so hard for me to picture being on the other end of that.

Mr. Firm always says I fuck him just the way he “needs”.  I love that he tells me that but am a little puzzled by what he actually means.  I find HIM very fulfilling because he is that perfect combination of dominant and sweet and he can make me cum again and again.  I’m quite happy to be on the receiving end of all that, lol. 😉

He said recently that I am so submissive he can’t picture me being dominant, even with another woman.  I had to think about that for a minute because I am pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be, but at the same time the idea of submitting to another female kind of gives me a pause.  I don’t think I would want to!  Not really.  I have an inkling that if a woman started trying to tell me what to do in bed it would piss me off!   I’m happier and more comfortable with something equal.

I think the reason it is different with men has something to do with just loving to see all that masculine POWER.  I don’t desire that from a woman.  I love when a guy can just take me and do whatever he wants, but where I trust him enough to know he also wouldn’t really hurt me.

From me, I guess I’d also say submission to someone is a gift.  I don’t act like that with just anyone.  I mean, I don’t boss any guy around in the bedroom, but for me to actively and willingly “submit” there has to be trust involved.  Still, that is where I am at my happiest.  If I can’t get to that point with a man then the sex doesn’t become truly spectacular.

I’m curious to hear from men or women who LOVE being dominant in bed.  What is it that turns you on about a person submitting to you?  When I try to dig up info from that side of the spectrum, there is very little, even on the world wide web!  Lots of people can describe what they love about someone dominating them but what about in reverse?  Why do you like it?  Is there anything a “submissive” person can do to make you like it even more?

The sex life of a lovergirl

Do I really want to identify myself as someone who practices “polyamory”? Whenever I see or hear the term my mind is filled with images of middle aged, overgrown, hippies, hugging and getting all touchy feely with one another. Or Mormons. Lots of Mormons. With lots of wives….and kids. Oh wait, that’s polygamy. Nevertheless they are mixed in somehow in my mind, frolicking along with all the other sexually deviant individuals who consider themselves enlightened.

I guess technically I do have several relationships going, but it’s kind of like the “BDSM” movement in that it feels sort of like a special club or maybe a cult, where you have to follow a certain set of rules in order to be “different” from society. I realize most who are involved don’t see it that way at all but despite being rather submissive in the bedroom myself and taking part in what might be seen as mild “BDSM” activities and carrying on multiple relationships at once I still feel like I don’t quite fit in. Heck, I feel like a bit of an outsider to the swinger community as well, despite having attended a couple of parties recently. I just don’t really fit the mold. I’m kind of my own brand of sexual deviance. Heh 😉

In any case, the poly, BDSM, swinger folks reading this probably want to set me straight right about now, lol. Please don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against any of you all and think it’s all very interesting, and I’m still learning a lot, I just am kind of content to be my own person and to forge my own way, not labeling myself as anything just yet, even if some of my activities fall under those categories. I don’t identify as bisexual either, even though I’ve had sexual experiences with other women and have absolutely no problems doing it again. Hmmm…maybe I’m just in denial, haha.

ANYWAY, I bet you are wanting to know what the hell I do then, huh? I’ll give you the rundown on my current relationships. Right now, there are about 5 “active” men in my life, not counting various friends and possible future lovers that I have never had sex with. Two of them I haven’t seen for months, but am hoping to reconnect with physically soon and we keep in touch. They are both a few hours drive away.

The Players:

Guy #1- the Love of My Life and I have been involved for almost 5 years now. Actually our first couple of sexual encounters were way back when we were teenagers. I met him on my very first day of high school and we have had a special connection ever since. We weren’t in love back then though and our relationship has seen a lot of different phases. Above all, we are friends and there is nothing like having him in my life. We’ve been very emotionally involved, more so even than sexually, though we do love to sleep together!! It’s been a bit of a roller coaster of ups and downs with us and right now we don’t talk as much as we used to but when we do we say I love you and all of that deep stuff. Haven’t seen each other for a long time in person though he is wanting to come down this month.

Guy #2- the Married Man. Yes, I am sleeping with a married man. I didn’t know that the first night we met and it was supposed to be a one night stand but we both enjoyed it just a little too much for that. He is most definitely the best sex I have ever had in my life. We met on Craigslist (I know, I know) and I was a little leery at first, but WOW, I am glad I followed through and showed up at his hotel room that night. He was impressed that I was much more attractive than he expected off a Craigslist ad and me, I was never expecting such great sex!!! OMG!! That is the first guy I ever met off of a Craigslist ad, by the way. He was here on business and claims he’d never tried it either. After we slept together he lied and said he was single but later admitted the truth. I’m pretty sure he’s a serial cheater and he’s a self proclaimed “sex addict” but who cares, he is AWESOME in the sack and gave me my first experience of multiple orgasms (I mean like 50!!) lol. I haven’t seen him for a few months but we are planning on meeting up again soon, like in a few days. We will see, he’s a bit flaky, as is to be expected from a married dude.

Guy #3- the Professor. This is my newest crush. I’m pretty into him. He lives nearby and is 8 yrs older than me. We met on a swinger site. I had just put up my profile and he contacted me. He took me out and was a perfect gentleman then home to his place for the hottest sex. He’s almost as good in bed as the married guy and there is just something about the dynamic between us that I really love. It’s HOT. The day after we met he took me to my first swinger party and was my “date”. Afterwards we had a six-some with two other couples. They assumed we were married and couldn’t believe it when we said we had met the day before, they were sure it was a joke, lol. He is so good to me and he is really straightforward and honest about stuff like who he is sleeping with. We tell each other anytime we are going to be with someone else and it’s been a bit difficult for both of us. I see him once or twice a week and occasionally more often. I’ve fallen pretty hard and he claims to feel the same way, only there is this other woman that he was involved with before me that he sees once a month. She is married and her husband lets her come stay with him for a few days at a time. She is in love with him and is there with him now :/. I’m coping.

Guy #4- my FWB. I’ve known this guy for a year and a half but he is long distance and recently spent several months overseas. Still, when he gets a chance he comes down to spend a weekend with me. He is a sweetheart and takes me out and we go out on dates and hang out like friends. At first he seemed to be getting more attached to me than vice versa but now things have leveled out and we are in a good place. Not too emotional, but no drama and just fun and play.

Guy #5- my Fuck Buddy. This guy is the youngest of the bunch, he’s 28 and in the military and sometimes comes my way to party with friends when he is not here just to see me. He lives an hour and half or so away but will come here and get a hotel. He’s hot and has an awesome body and is good in bed, which is great because that’s pretty much all we do. We don’t seem to have a lot in common, other than our desire to hop in the sack immediately and start fucking the minute I walk in the door, lol. I see him about once a month, sometimes more if he happens to be in town. We really don’t talk at all otherwise except a text or two to make sure the other is still alive every week or so, ha.

So there you have it, my current sex life in a nutshell. No, I am not embarrassed and I am perfectly happy with the state of things as they are at the moment! Minus maybe this other woman that the Professor sees but I am accepting it more now I think. It helps that I have spent some more time lately with my FWB and FB. The Professor also sleeps with other married women with their husband’s permission from time to time. I’m more bugged by the emotional thing that seems to be going on with him and this person but I’m getting better at accepting it, I think. He has a really hard time when I sleep with men too. I think we are both a bit attached due to seeing so much of each other and just the general nature of our relationship. One of these days we will probably do another couple or swinger party orgy again. He has mentioned that people invited him and said to bring me along a couple of times but he chose to stay with me for some one on one instead. I’m glad he prefers that because usually I do too, but once in awhile I am up for something different.  Maybe I’ll have more stories to tell soon. 😉