Archives

Can you all keep a secret?

secrets1

I have a confession to make. This actually seems like an exceptionally weird time to make it, what with the Cohort seeming to have vanished, but it has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. I’ve wanted to write something about it, but just haven’t been able to bring myself to admit this publicly.

You know how, on this blog, I’m always ranting and railing against Madonna/Whore and the unfair way men seem to act, wanting to fuck everything in sight, yet getting jealous when a woman shows ANY interest in another man? It always bothered me sooo much, until I fell for the Cohort. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of self discovery that was sort of disturbing.

I found out that, at least with him, in a way I never expected, it TURNED ME ON.

Now, the Cohort has always been fair, and kept his jealousies in check, realizing that a double standard in our situation would not be okay. He’s gotten a little jealous a couple of times, and he was real about it, but he also got himself under control without losing it. I respect that and I feel he is better than most in that area, actually.

I’m not even talking about jealousy from a man here, really, as its not hard for me to admit that it sometimes feels good to have a man get riled up enough to show he cares. No, I’m talking about me. I’m talking about ME getting turned on by what is maybe a combination of my own jealousy mixed with a little bit of playing on a man’s Madonna/whore.

I wrote a little bit in this blog, but not much, about how I went several months without sleeping with anyone but the Cohort. What I left out, is that, not only did I have almost no desire for other men (because I was so smitten with him), but that it was also, kind of…. turning me on? Something about the fact, that he was still sleeping with people, but I was not, was making me HOT.

What the fuck Lovergirl? Where is your head? Do you need me to smack you upside of it so you can think straight again? How could you get turned on by that? Didn’t it bother you??

All good questions, and I just… don’t know. Maybe I did completely lose my head. I was so wound up in my emotions that somehow it felt…GOOD.

Like one time, when he had gone off for a weekend of gangbanging, I remember feeling mildly threatened and jealous. Only it wasn’t too bad, because I knew it was not an emotional thing for him, just sexual. When he came back, he told me all about it.

I listened to his stories for a bit before he started kissing me and taking off my clothes. He whispered in my ear “but you, you haven’t had sex for awhile, have you?” I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head no. I could tell it turned him on just as much as it did me, and the lovemaking that followed was incredibly intense. He was flooding me with affection that it felt like he’d been holding back for a long time, saving it all for me.

Not just then, but other times too. It just felt so good to feel like I was the only one on the recieving end of all that EMOTION, like he was reserving it for me, while I was reserving my body for him. Even at a party we went to, where he slept with three other women (and me with no one else, I wrote a bit about that one before), each time he would come to me afterwards for what felt like especially mind blowing sex. I loved feeling like I belonged to HIM, and him alone.

I guess that mostly ended after the first time I got pregnant. Maybe that was a big part of what lead up to that for us, subconsciously. Like he once commented, (referring to someone else) pregnancy is like the ultimate “handcuff”. After losing the baby(ies) I felt the need to use logic again and also be sleeping with other men, since we aren’t committed. I wanted to protect my heart, which was getting too involved.

Even now, I have been having a very hard time getting over the emotional hurdle of having sex with other men. I’ve slept with some, but I just can’t seem to open myself up. I’m holding back much more than usual.

All this has helped me understand, at least maybe a little more, the whole cuckhold phenomenon. I’ve always found it kind of baffling, but maybe I get it more than I want to admit, from my own angle. Did you know that there are females that are into that and they are called cuckqueens? You don’t hear a whole lot about that, but I wonder if it is more common than we realize.

It seems like, the little bit you can find online about that sort of thing though, is filled with levels of degradation and humiliation that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not all about that. For me I guess, it’s something different.

Like at the parties before, he has done things like had me suck his dick before he went off and fucked someone else, but nothing about it felt bad. I knew he was coming back to me, tenfold, afterwards.

I once sort of shared my feelings about all this with the Cohort, over a short text. We didn’t talk about it in depth but he brought it up on Valentine’s Day, during my miscarriage and while we were eating at a pizzeria. It wasn’t a good time and I kind of just denied it all and looked away. He tends to probe my feelings and reactions more deeply, but this time he just looked at me quizically and didn’t comment. I think he knows.

It’s just one of those things that is very hard to talk about. It’s like admitting you feel okay with that can be very shameful and embarrassing. I think, with the Cohort, my level of emotional safety was so much higher that I felt I could drop my guard and just be who I am. He would lightly tease me about things of that nature or jokingly call me his “slut slave” but he never took it too far.

There is something super intimate though, about taking it to a deeper level that way. I miss him so much. 😦 At least you all are getting some good writing out of this! 😉

“Good in bed” and what it means to me…

in deep

I talk a lot about sex on my blog.  Sometimes I mention how fantastic a certain guy is in bed.  I’ve even mentioned “Penis Power” and the effect certain guys can have on a woman, and what they can do to her with their dick. However, today I’d like to go into more detail, and describe what “good in bed” means to me.

What got me thinking was a recent question by Cecilia in response to one of my blog entries.  She asked what it was that made “good pussy” according to men, since I have mentioned guys telling me I have some.  I’ve often wondered the same thing.  Kdaddy responded with his idea of “good pussy” which was interesting and helpful. He even mentioned that he may write a blog about it himself.  I’d definitely be interested in reading that one!! 

I’ve actually posed that question to men before and they have given various answers but the concept is still pretty vague.  Basically, I get that they want a woman to be enthusiastic.  Some say they like them tight and others say wet.  Being “good in bed” as a woman is hard to define.  Heck, I wrote an entire blog about THAT too. (Redefining Love) I talked about the lame tips we get from sources like Cosmo and how we are supposed to figure out what to do from there but don’t really have any real guidelines, as women.

Today though, I want to talk about men, and my personal preferences.  I can’t really speak for other women though I can GUESS that they might be similar to me in some ways.  Still, we are often different, or so say the men, and confusing.  Nero mentioned recently in one of HIS blogs that his wife didn’t like him pulling her hair during sex, though he thought she’d respond well to something a little more rough, since he’s been spying on her kindle searches and she seems to like sex stories that involve dominant men.

I don’t know about her, and can’t really fathom the negative response she gave, other than attributing it to being her husband and not wanting to submit too much too him.  However, on MY end, I love that shit.  I love it when a guy gets a little rough with me, hair pulling, spanking, getting aggressive, even to the point where I feel fear.  Actually that turns me on, being a little afraid of him and the power that he has over me in bed.

I used to think I’d hate someone choking me but there have been a few occasions where a guy put his hand to my throat in a mock “choke” and I actually came.  Despite my massive fear, and claustrophobic reaction to being “choked”, or perhaps because of it, I got really turned on.  I wouldn’t have thought so.  After having a guy really try to choke me once, and pick me up by my throat in a non- sexual manner, it is something that freaks me out…and apparently gets me horny too.

That said, I wouldn’t want serious choking, in or out of the bedroom.  It’s a fine line, kind of like a rape fantasy.  Oh, and rape fantasies?  I have those too.  I guess I’m actually fairly typical as far as women go in that regard.  It’s supposedly one of the top things we fantasize about and I’m right there with you all.

Actually, and I know this is terribly un-pc and perhaps a bit dangerous to admit (thank God this is fairly anonymous) but there was at least one time I was raped for real and actually enjoyed it.  It’s not something I’d ever want to encourage anyone to do, of course, and I’ve also been raped in a more traumatic way, at gunpoint, but this time, well, it was fucking HOT!! 

I’m a tad bit drunk while writing today (downed a bottle of wine) so bear with me, but this is brutal honesty.  Please don’t take it as me saying its okay to rape, or be raped because it’s not.  I was not turned on at ALL by the incident with the guy with the gun, however, this particular other time, well, it was the stuff my fantasies are made of.  If you are sensitive to this topic you may want to stop reading now.

I’ve mentioned this before on my blog.  I was 15 years old and lying in bed after having had sex with my boyfriend.  He went upstairs when some people showed up at the house and I was in a dark basement bedroom all by myself.  My clothes were on the floor next to the bed and I didn’t feel like getting up just yet. 

Someone came down the stairs, I think I probably thought it was my boyfriend and didn’t make a move to get up.  They opened the door and I could see a silhouette in the doorway, the light shining behind the guy who was standing there.  I was naked so I quickly pulled a sheet over myself, but not before he saw my body. All I could see of him was that he was wearing a wife beater and some kind of pimp hat.  He appeared to be biracial.  I couldn’t see his face though, because it was too dark and the light was behind him.

He came right up to the bed and got on top of me, with only the sheet between us.  I don’t remember what he said but know he was talking in a low voice and trying to get me turned on, as he pulled the sheet down.  I actually fought back, pushing him off, telling him no, and even biting his shoulder, yelling at him to stop.  I guess no one heard me.  He ignored my protests and just kept going. 

I couldn’t stop him.  He pried my legs apart and slid inside me easily, due to my being soaking wet already, from just having finished a round of sex with someone else.  He had a decent sized cock and no matter how much I had tried to stop him I couldn’t stop how good he was starting to make me feel.  IT FELT REALLY FREAKING GOOD.  He was whispering in my ear and despite my reluctance I couldn’t stop myself from moaning in pleasure. 

When he was done he got up and left.  I was upset enough that I cried and I asked around to try and figure out who he was.  The guys who were there gave some guesses so I THINK I know and it’s someone I saw fairly frequently at school but never actually talked to.  Still, I will never be 100% sure.

Did I feel violated?  Yes, but I was also extremely turned on and it’s something that still gets me excited to think about today.  Actually it was similar to my experience with another guy, one I’ve mentioned before as someone who I eventually got into a fuck buddy style relationship with, even though we basically hated each other. 

The second guy was the one who first got me involved in some gangbangs.  I blame him because I willingly slept with the first person, but not with this one.  He came up behind, unexpected and got on top of me before I had a chance to get up.  I fought with and attempted to push him off multiple times, but he wouldn’t let me or allow me to get to my clothes.  He’d just start talking to me, whispering in my ear as he inched a little closer, with the tip inside me, a little bit at a time, until he was all the way in and fucking me, where I couldn’t make him stop. 

I don’t doubt in the least that they had planned it that way, because he was good.  Not just good at working his way in but good at sex in general and soon had me feeling better than I wanted to and super turned on, even though I didn’t want to be, or want to be in that situation.  By the time the next guys came along in line I didn’t even try to fight with them.  I knew it was fruitless and wasn’t going to work, he’d made me feel helpless.  So I lay there and let them have their way with me.

There were many times after that he and I continued to have sex and he was always very aggressive in the sense that he just “took” what he wanted.  We could barely stand one another during the day but at night he was fucking the daylights out of me.  We’d get in arguments that ended up in the bedroom, with him taking out his aggression and it was just hot, hot, hot!!

Admittedly, nowadays, I get turned on by that shit.  A guy who can make me feel completely at his mercy can REALLY get me going.  I can’t really say whether that is due to previous experiences or just the way I am but I love it!!

The Married Man, who is my favorite sex of all time, does just that.  Makes me feel like he is in complete control and there is nothing I can do.  He was the first guy that brought me to multiple orgasms and it was because I didn’t have any choice.  He had me in all these positions and was doing all this stuff to me that felt sooo good and I couldn’t make him stop.  I lost all control because he took it.  He even pinned me down when he was licking me and wouldn’t let me up, and what do you know I just kept cumming and cumming and cumming.

  At one point he had me pinned up against the headboard of the bed, fucking me in a pretzel style that had me screaming because I couldn’t handle it anymore.  He finally realized I was serious and gave me a little break, lol.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack I was orgasming so much.  I mean it.

He also knew exactly what to do with his dick.  As does the Professor.  Stuff and positions that drive me crazy.  He, the Prof and the guy I mentioned above are my top three of all time. 

Another thing they all had in common was that they wanted to be called “Daddy” in bed.  Something about that just puts me through the roof and part of it is probably that I would never just say that to anyone.  It’s another form of taking control.  Something about the vulnerability of “going there” with a guy is like the ultimate turn on to me.

Mr. Firm, well, judging from the explosive first time sex we had, he may get there someday as well.  The way he stared into my eyes, the things he said to me, the forceful way he grabbed my body and did what he wanted, all those are indicators to me of a man that can rock my world.  I have a big thing for experiencing all that masculine power between the sheets.

Even the Producer, the last time we had sex was hotter than usual and I think it was because I was still half dressed.  I was wearing heels and he had me bent over the bed and I kept sliding in them across the carpet so couldn’t fully stand up.  He just ignored it and pounded away.  Then he had me lying on my back with my legs up and the fact that I was still wearing them added to that helpless feeling.  I dunno why I love that so much but I do.

So for me the top turn ons are a really dominant guy who also can sweet talk me.  If he’s saying sexy things to me (but not mean, like calling me a whore or something) and at the same time fucking me forcefully I just lose it.  Completely.  Something about that sweet, sexy, voice and also knowing what to do with his cock puts me over the edge.  If he can go down on me and do it in a dominant way then he is like top of the list too (Mr. Firm was good at that…as is the Married Man…mmmmm….).

Some people get upset by rape-ish fantasies and it seems all the more difficult these days to find men that can indulge them without misunderstanding. (By that I mean understanding that I don’t like any real pain and still want to feel a connection.) Still, when they can….whew!  Not to say the Prof did that, because he didn’t, but he was still dominant and still really took control. 

Man, I’m getting all excited and I’m stuck here because my vehicle is in the shop.  The Producer is halfway across the US today at a party and no one else is nearby or available.  Dangit… 

There’s that guy that gave me the flowers and he keeps trying to hit me up but I know he would suck in bed, lol.  He was trying to convince me with lines like “I’ll make it really fast, just come by here for a couple minutes”.  Gee, that’s hot…NOT!!

I did a funny little experiment the other day, after this guy on my Facebook posted that if you want to know if a guy is really into you, ask him your eye color.  So I thought I’d play a little game and see if any of them got it right.  Wanna know who did?  My Fuck Buddy!!  Hahaha  

I told him what the guy had posted and he was like “that guy is an idiot”.  Lmao…yeah, I didn’t figure he was all that “into me” anyhow.  My eyes are olive green…see the pic?

eye<

  Yet most of them said “hazel”. 

The Married Man guessed light brown or light green.  Mr. Firm said “hazel or multicolored” and I told him he gets a pass, since we just met, lol. The Pilot ignored me (though we’ve talked a tiny bit, I wished him a Happy Birthday via text and he chatted just a little but I think he’s still mad) and the Producer tried to argue with me that olive green and hazel are “the same”.  He was googling pics and trying to convince me that he is actually “into me” lmao!!  My FWB, who I haven’t seen in ages, said hazel but then was like “I could identify your eyes among 100 pairs”.  Yeah, yeah….  I didn’t ask the guy I had the affair with because he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt.  He always talks about my “green eyes”. 

I avoided asking the young guy or the one who gave me flowers or any of the ones I think are into me but where I don’t return the sentiment.  I’m still not talking to the Prof.  He looked at my swinger pics once again but I’m too upset with the Facebook shenanigans to have anything to do with him at this point.  Ugh. 

Anyhow, will see the Producer in a couple of days so not like I’m going sexless any time soon.  😉  He is having to find a new place for when he is in town and may get one closer to me.  Not sure what that is all about but it’s interesting anyway.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

 

P.S.  I do exactly what is in the picture sometimes, ha!!  Trying to keep from guys going in too deep!! 

Missed opportunity? :/

gb

So Mr. Firm is off in another state with his old buddies from college now.  He had actually invited me to come along tonight, though I had some doubts as to whether or not that would work out.  He mentioned it before we had sex and I said I would think about it and let him know afterwards, once we had met in person. While we were lying in bed talking, after orgasms, he brought it up again. 

At first I wasn’t sure.  I don’t know anything about these men, have never so much as seen a picture, and didn’t know how much pressure I would be under to sleep with them.  However, he said they were both attractive, both policemen and both able to get plenty of pussy on their own so there wouldn’t be any pressure if I didn’t want to play with them.  

I still wondered, because first of all this is their little male bonding trip, lol.  I didn’t want to be tagging along like a ball and chain, though I didn’t say so out loud.  He had all his golf clubs there with him at the hotel and was telling me all about their plans to go out at night.  He mentioned that we could all go out to the club together that night and end up doing whatever afterwards. 

Either way, it’s a little over a 2 hour drive, so lots of gas money….and time.  Still, it was starting to sound tempting.  I totally could see myself as the center of attention with 3 handsome, athletic men in a hotel room, haha.  I know I’ve said before that I was done with this kind of thing, due to experiences when I was younger, but I’d be lying if I said there aren’t SOME things about it that are appealing.

What mostly holds me back isn’t that it doesn’t sound hot, but fear.  The fear isn’t anything about how I would experience the sex myself but about how THEY might view it, or treat me afterwards.  I’ve come across way too many men that see acts like this as degrading to a woman.  If their attitude was positive, then great, it could be a lot of fun but if not, then I could be left feeling pretty awful, or even abandoned.  Abandonment is a big issue for me and these guys both live a couple states away in different directions so unlikely I would see them again.

Mr. Firm is pretty cool and I don’t get the feeling he’d be that way at all.  Still, the other guys, I know nothing about.  Well, I know one is on the swinger site, and the other wants to be but isn’t yet.  They are both in relationships (no idea if swinging is “approved” by their significant others or not) and were in Mr. Firm’s fraternity in college and played sports together.  He says they had a bit of popularity due to having a great team and winning all the time, and got involved in some pretty crazy amounts of sex back then too.  So they aren’t rookies or anything, lol, but they heard about swinging and his success on the site from Mr. Firm and thought it sounded fun.

Still, knowing all that, it was sounding tempting to me, and I probably would have made the trip down there.  In the end though, it was Mr. Firm’s decision that we’d maybe be better off not and risking an awkward situation.  I’d told him that I couldn’t promise or guarantee that I would sleep with them until after meeting and wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun if I got down there and didn’t want to do it.  He totally understood and said the guys were law enforcement officers so wouldn’t want to make me uncomfortable in any way. 

Sigh…. I didn’t want to appear pushy or overeager in any way so I didn’t really let him know how likely I would probably have been to do it.  A mistake?  Maybe.  But then he may have just been using that as an excuse to not have me in the way of their going out and having guy time and I didn’t want to mess with that either.  Or maybe his friends decided I was butt ugly and didn’t want to fuck with me, haha.  Doubtful though, I don’t generally seem to have that issue with men.  Could be they just weren’t into the group idea and wanted to find women for themselves, or already did last night, haha.  I wouldn’t doubt that at all! 😉

 Part of me was thinking these guys are way too “nice” and disappointed that it didn’t work out.  But at the same time, it may be for the best.  Mr. Firm has made it pretty clear that he wants to see me again.  He says he really wished it could have worked out and he didn’t mean with me just being with all them.  I was like “Oh, I’m not saying that couldn’t be fun, lmao, just can’t guarantee anything”…and I can’t, but still…it COULD have been fabulous.  He commented on how much of a blast he had the other night and that he likes me even more because I am so easygoing.  Blah…

He’s been cool as a cucumber so far but now I wonder if I’ll ever have that kind of opportunity with him again.  He’s probably put me into the “doesn’t do that sort of thing” category.  Booo!  His attitude here at the end (and maybe he was getting it from the other guys because he said they were talking about it) was that he wouldn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable situation.  Then he sort of acted like he thought it might be degrading towards me or something.  Or, like he likes me too much now to want to share.  Dammit! 

It’s kind of like this guy who gave me the flowers and wants to get to “second base”.  He looked at my cleavage when we were sitting on the couch together the other night and was like “I’m going to be good”.  I even made a comment about how he didn’t need to be but he never tried anything.  Then afterwards he texted to say how bad he had wanted me!!  He asked if I would have done anything with him and I said yeah, probably, and he freaked out!  My phone rang and it was him demanding to know WHY I would have done something with him that night??  I was like “why not??”  and he said he was kicking himself now.  SMDH….

I hate it that men seem to think they need to treat me as innocent and sexually delicate.  I really like it when a man gets more aggressive about things, though a lot of guys seem to confuse that with PUSHY, which I don’t like.  I mean the two cops?  Come on, did they think I was going to cry rape after agreeing to sleep in a hotel room with 3 men?  Um, not unless I’d blatantly told them NO and they kept pushing or something. 

Speaking of pushy, this young guy that I slept with last year keeps harassing me to see him tonight.  His texting is driving me nuts.  Just another reason I’m not that into the younger guys.  I told him sorry I couldn’t make it tonight and he just keeps pushing and pushing and asking why and saying he can come over and help me with whatever needs to get done.

I don’t like dealing with the immaturity and even though he’s really cute I just don’t have the desire to fuck him.  When I did it felt weird, like he was too wowed by my “older woman” skills or something, haha.  He’s 13 years younger than me and it makes me feel a little bit creepy and awkward.  I really need someone who can dominate me and it’s hard to get in that mental state with someone so young.

 Really, I just am not interested in seeing him right now.  He wasn’t offering to take me anywhere and just wants to come to my house, which means extra cleaning and work that I don’t feel like doing tonight.  I want a break and the Producer will be here at a hotel tomorrow so it’s not like I won’t be getting some more sex.  So here I am writing my blog!! 😉  Hope all of you all are having a more exciting night than me!!

 

 

Drying the tears

Ironically, the Professor actually sang this song to me once, after we’d had sex. It came on the stereo and he said he’d sung it as part of a duet when he was in show choir in high school. :/

Everything is reminding me of him. Last night I woke up from a dream that he was crying and sending me a bunch of text messages saying he missed me. Then I dreamt that he sent a video of his day at work, just couldn’t get him out of my subconscious I guess. I took my kids out for frozen custard and of course it was to the same place where he’d taken us before. I emailed with a guy off Craigslist about riding his Sybian (lol) and guess where he lives? It sounds like it’s the same freaking apartment complex as the Professor!!

Now I’m thinking if I try and actually follow through with that the Prof might see my vehicle and think I’m stalking him! LOL Um, no, I was just err, visiting this guy I met off Craigslist that I’m not even attracted to because it sounded like a fun idea to ride his Sybian? LMAO. I do want to try it again and this guy looks relatively harmless, as opposed to some guys I’d emailed with off there in the past. He looks like someone’s dad.

I had contemplated doing something like that once when the Prof and I were still talking and he wasn’t too keen on the idea. He thought it sounded dangerous and like some random guy off Craigslist wouldn’t really just want to watch, like he says. The exhibitionist in me thinks it would be fun to have him just watch, lol, but he doesn’t look like someone I’d want to sleep with. I don’t want to feel obligated. Still, like I said, this guy seems pretty decent and respectable and it sounds like he’s done this before.

Still, it seems like a fun way to get my rocks off and not actually have to have sex with someone and maybe regret it afterwards. Oh, and the motor ran out on my vibrator and I have to get a new one so I’m going crazy in the meantime! BAD TIMING!! Sheesh. No more sex with my favorite person and my freaking sex toy fails me too. Dangit! LOL Thank God for my shower massager. I had to use it twice today.

Anyhow I do have a date planned for this weekend, for sex, with the guy I met right before seeing my fuck buddy while the Professor was out of town. He is a retired military police officer, a couple years older than the professor, but in awesome shape and he’s nice looking too. Now that he’s retired he drives some kind of flatbed truck around and he says that loading it gives him a great workout and that’s why he has six pack abs. I can handle that! LOL Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll have an old pair of handcuffs hanging around somewhere 😉 ;).

I met him on the swinger site and he seems really nice. I actually responded to his email because something about his pics and attitude reminded me a little bit of the Professor. He’s 6’5″ (!!!) and he’s done the swinging thing in another state over the past few years but before that he was married for 20 years. He said he used to paint his wife’s toenails for her and was telling me how in a pinch you can do French tips using whiteout, lol. Maybe I can get a pedicure while I’m there too!

Ha, I’m playing but he is back in town and wanted to meet me at a hotel between here and where he lives before he takes off again on his truck. I’m thinking that sounds fun right now. According to him he really likes to go down on women and sometimes use toys. Plus he’s got an 8 inch cock. 😉 He was gonna take me out for drinks again beforehand.

Oh, and I’ve got another possible date lined up the day before with a guy who also says he just moved here. I met this one on Plenty of Fish. He’s a couple years younger than me and his pics are pretty cute with a really nice smile. He works with special needs kids and is also a personal trainer. He plays on a local basketball league too. We’ve texted back and forth a little bit and so far I like him.

Meanwhile I’ve resurrected my OkCupid profile. I still had it but the email inbox was full and I hadn’t bothered to update it for a long time. The minute I cleared out old emails and put up a couple new pics I was being inundated with zillions of new guys trying to hit me up.

Sometimes the dating sites are a little overwhelming. Like I don’t have time to email everyone back and keep up with the amount of guys that are contacting me all at once. I had to disable instant messaging on that site and POF because it’s just too freaking crazy.

I even got a hate mail already from some dude because he had emailed me and so I clicked on his profile but didn’t have a chance to write him or anything. He lived too far away anyway so it didn’t seem worth my time. Anyhow, his first email said “nice smile” and when I clicked on his profile he sent me this:

Yea most of you American females just aren’t that appreciative. I take back the compliment.

I’m thinking, God what a dick. So I clicked on his profile again to see where the hell he was from that he was making nasty comments about “American” females. I of course didn’t bother to respond to his hating and he so he sent me this:

You need to stop viewing my profile since you can’t appreciate a genuine compliment from a stranger. All you women do on here is ignore men who are trying to talk and have a decent conversation. I have to admit that western women are really no good when it comes to dating/relationships and it’s no surprise a lot of you are single and lonely at an older age. I don’t know why it’s so hard talking to western women. Good luck and please don’t view my profile anymore.

Not wanting to buy into his needless drama, I ignored the comment and didn’t look at his profile again. SO he then sends me THIS:

Most of you women are on here for the attention and to boost your ego. Too bad men have to deal with this crap.

Wha?? Sheesh! Chill the fuck out already, seriously!! And you wonder why women don’t respond back to you?? UGH

Oh and I’ve gotten like ten emails already with comments about my boobs. They are like “nice chest” or “nice peaches”. WTF? Are we in middle school again? Like really? That is so crass. I’m not even wearing a super revealing top or anything. I’m in a sundress in the pics and you can see a little bit of cleavage but it’s not trashy looking at all. Men… I swear, would anyone really be jumping at the chance to email back a guy who is all grunt, grunt “nice tits you got there”? SMFH

Anyway, wish me luck! I so need to get my mind off the Professor. :/ It would be nice not to break into tears several times a day. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.

Big black men… is it true?

bb

First of all, beware that this is a racially charged topic. I think it’s important to realize that ALL people, whether we are black, white, or whatever hold some stereotypes in our minds and sometimes there is a grain of truth behind them but that DOESN’T mean we can make blanket assumptions about EVERY person that belongs to that group. You just can’t, because even if a stereotype holds somewhat true there are always exceptions to the rule. I also hope we can discuss this like mature adults without insults towards any group of people. With that said, come on, let’s drop the worries about being politically correct too. If we can’t be open and discuss varying experiences then it actually BREEDS racism because being afraid to TALK about things from different viewpoints is what keeps folks in the dark and leaves them to their wild imaginations, reinforcing negative ideas, fear, and hatred of others.

Also, realize that although I am white myself I grew up in a home where I was the only all white kid and I am used to what might sometimes seem like wildly inappropriate jokes about “white people” and “black people”, lol. So forgive me if sometimes I seem like I’m doing the very thing I am preaching against! Haha… I’m not really a racist at all and in fact it is one of my pet peeves although some of the stuff I say in this blog might come across as otherwise to people who don’t understand where I am coming from.

Okay, done with the lecture, let’s get to the real topic at hand and the question everyone everywhere has been dying to know and hear about from a female who has had the opportunity to make some assessments, lol. 😉

DO BLACK MEN REALLY HAVE BIGGER DICKS???

The other day, at the last swinger party I attended with the Professor, we were standing in a room watching some people have sex when a typical country- boy white guy walked into the room and made a typically clueless statement and assumption about the Professor and the only other black man there. He was like “you guys are lucky because you have the big dicks” and started going on about how unfair it was that black men always have huge cocks. Of course this was said without having ever SEEN either of these men naked. How would he know that either one of them was sporting a huge package? He didn’t! But he thought he did because of all the “rumors” that this is true and due to who knows how much porn he has seen where black men with large penises are fetishized.

Now besides porn, there is the added practice in the swinger community of bringing black men in to have sex with white couples in a fantasy/fetish way that honestly creeps me the fuck out because it comes across as flat out racist. They call the guys “bulls” and “studs” and even have these parties that I have heard referred to as “mandingo” parties where they bring in black men to have sex with guys wives in order to feed into cuckhold fantasies and fetishes. Now, I’m not one to judge people for their fantasies, I just find it disturbing because the focus seems to be on the skin color of the participants and because of the attitudes of some of these white couples that any random black guy with a big cock will do.

It bothers me very much when I think of these men being objectified like that. However, they obviously don’t mind or they wouldn’t be doing it! And of course they get lots of sex out of the deal and what man doesn’t like that? So it is easy to see why the practice continues and not too many people are complaining. I mean, this is an activity where consenting adults are agreeing to do something so that is really their business. I once recently even saw a swinger party advertised as a “BBC Party” in a nearby city, and it was taking place in a predominately black area. Having a big, black, cock is definitely sort of a “novelty” thing for some.

I have had the opportunity to talk to a few guys who have been involved in this sort of exchange and it is interesting to say the least. Sometimes they seem to get off on the idea too, of course, though some guys, like the Professor, seem to find it odd as well and feel a little uncomfortable with it but go right ahead and fuck the women anyway. He has said he’s not really into the gangbang thing however.

I’ve known a few different black men that have told me white couples have actually PAID them to fuck the wife. One guy told me a man paid him to have sex with his fiancé while he watched and another guy mentioned having sex with a woman that he wasn’t very attracted to simply because her husband gave him $500 dollars. He said it wasn’t that bad and she wasn’t bad in bed even though she was kinda fat and ugly. Nice. I can see how this would be appealing to a lot of black men, especially those who aren’t doing well financially. I guess it’s sort of like women who have a sugar daddy, sometimes. These couples are taking them out on their boats and on vacations and giving them all kinds of privileges just to have sex with the wife. Again, they are doing this of their own choosing but it still seems exploitative.

So anyway, back to the question at hand. Do black guys REALLY have bigger cocks to begin with?? Or is this a myth? The Professor asked my opinion, kind of indirectly, after the conversation the other day at the swinger party. He was like “you’ve seen a lot”, which is true, though he doesn’t know my actual numbers. I gave him kind of a pat answer about it “not necessarily” being the case, though maybe on average they are a little bigger, which is true, but I didn’t want to delve into too much detail because I’m pretty sure he didn’t want to hear about other guys dicks that I have had sex with. I also thought it a conversation better not gone into over text because things can be misunderstood and misconstrued and he has shown some uneasiness at my past exploits before. SO, I focused more on being appreciative of his (rather well) endowment and you guys get to hear my thoughts on the matter instead! For now, lol, lucky you!! Maybe I will tell him more later if we are still talking.

I have personally slept with a lot more black men than white, so it’s not really a fair sample but I’ve done both. I’ve also ONCE had sex with an Asian guy, who was averagely endowed, maybe 6 inches, and a couple of Hispanic dudes who were both punching in at around 6.5-7. That’s all I’m gonna say about that because that’s really all I’ve seen, lol. I have also seen quite a few black and white penises that I haven’t ACTUALLY slept with, like guys I have given blow jobs to or a hand job at some point. Oh, and there was a guy that was a mix of Jamaican, Hawaiian, Japanese and white that I have messed with but we never had actual sex. Lucky him, he had it from all sides, lol, and I’d estimate him to be about 7.

Keep in mind though that I kind of suck at estimating things!! I may be hugely over or under estimating EVERYONE, who knows?? Once a girl and I who had slept with several of the SAME GUYS got into a discussion about dick size and one guy I thought was HUGE she thought was small. WTF? I was thinking he had like a 9 inch cock and she was like “are you kidding me?” I also thought he was GREAT in bed and he was my absolute favorite at the time, but she thought he sucked. Just goes to show how much sexual chemistry between two people matters and makes all the difference. If a woman thinks you are great in bed she probably also thinks you have THE BEST COCK EVER at the time! I know that is how I am anyway. Sometimes we even overestimate how big you are, like when we like you our emotions so color our view that it makes your cock grow in our head, lol. I also don’t consider myself a “size queen” because I am more interested in how he uses it than what he is sporting. It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean and all that. Still, my two current favorites in the sack both claim to be about 8 inches, and the Professor has commented that I “really like it deep”, so maybe I do like them kind of big. Hmmmm….

On that note, I will mention that I personally think there is such a thing as TOO BIG. The biggest guy I ever had sex with was 11 ¼ inches. HUGE, and I know his exact size only because OTHER guys were telling me that. They were all so jealous but they really needn’t be. He couldn’t even get it in all the way and it was awkward for him to maneuver and hurting me and the sex wasn’t all that good at all. I’d consider a cock that big something of a handicap, to be honest. He was biracial by the way, so no telling if he got that giant dick from the white side or the black, though I’m sure most in our society would assume the latter. I also slept with a guy once that had probably the shortest cock I have ever seen, maybe 4 inches, but it was so freaking wide I could barely get on it. It was like the width of a coke can, for real, and it made me tear and bleed and was so unpleasant that I never slept with him again. He was black.

Personal experience though, from a woman who has had sex with over 40 black men and at least 10 white guys and seen quite a few more, would say that on average the white guys ranged from maybe 5.5-8 inches and the black men were more like 6.5-9. So yes, slightly bigger. Still not a HUGE difference and really it correlates with the studies you will see on the subject.

When I was younger I had only heard the black men are bigger theory from black guys and I thought they were full of shit and just basically tooting their own horns. I didn’t believe there was any actual basis in fact. Even now, I have seen a couple of pretty big white guys so it does happen. I have also seen plenty of black guys that were in the 6-7 range and I’d even go so far as to say that is “most”. What kills me is that often black men who are a very nice sized will sometimes say they are “average” because there is this expectation that they are supposed to be HUGE. I also once had an encounter with a black guy that I couldn’t tell you whether or not was actual sex. It was dark and I was drunk and he put what felt like a finger inside of me and later claimed we had had sex to others. If we did then he had the smallest dick I’ve ever experienced and if that is the case I can only imagine how that might make him feel with all these high expectations.

Nowadays I hear a lot of white guys making the claim that “all black guys are huge”. I guess this is said out of jealousy to some extent but it’s also an unfair assumption to make. A lot of black men are just “normal” or maybe slightly bigger than average and there are even some out there that are on the small side. Not all white guys are average sized either, there are a few that are pretty darn big! That said I have been with a fair amount of black men that are in the 8-9 inch range. Maybe 15? I seem to be coming across it more lately and that probably has some to do with the fact that I have met guys off the swinger site (which attracts bigger black guys) and places like Craigslist where they are advertising that fact (like the married man I sleep with). Still my current fwb is pretty darn big too and I met him on OKCupid. It might appear that I am choosing guys based on their dick size, lol, or even on their skin color, but that’s honestly not it. I am attracted to certain traits like confidence and dominance and I think men with larger sized cocks seem to come by those more easily sometimes. It’s probably due to their self –perception, because men tie up their own worth into their cocks more so than I think women do. Also, my penchant for black men is really probably more a product of having grown up around more people of color than white folks and just feeling safer and more comfortable talking to them. It’s not a “fetish”.

Anyway, in conclusion, you can’t judge a cock by it’s cover. Don’t assume until you’ve seen him take off those pants that you know what he’s packing. I’ve also heard the myth that short guys have shorter dicks and that I can assure you is NOT the case. Most of the guys I have been with recently that are sporting 8-9 inches below the belt aren’t much taller than me (5’6”). There are all kinds of body shapes and cock sizes and I rarely meet a cock I don’t like ;). If I like the GUY I’m probably gonna fall in love with his cock too.

So don’t be so quick to stereotype. Yes there are probably more black men with bigger sized dicks than there are white guys overall, but that doesn’t speak to ALL. Yes, at the first swinger party where we had a six-some with two white couples the Professor was clearly bigger than both of the other guys but that again was an isolated case. I’m no mathematician but it’s probably SOMEWHAT more likely to be that way but, like everything else in life not a guarantee. The only thing I can guarantee you about black men is that they are all stubborn and bullheaded as hell if you get into an argument and you will never win. I’m kidding… 😉 Kind of…. (try and prove me wrong!! LMAO!!)

Ooops!

ma

What not to accidentally text to your ex- husband (Gah, I am such a freaking airhead sometimes, I swear!!). “You make me feel so good”. LMAO I texted right after and was like “oops, wrong person”.

Yeeaaahhh… Of COURSE it was the wrong person. I never, in a million years, would have texted those words to the ex- husband. He never bothered to even TRY to make me feel good in bed. His excuse, when we were divorcing and that fact came out in anger, was that I had supposedly told him, once upon a time, somewhere back when we were dating, that I didn’t “have” to have an orgasm to be happy in bed. So he extrapolated that to mean that I didn’t WANT an orgasm, ever.

For 13 years I supposedly had no desire for an orgasm. Say what?? Nevermind that I had TRIED and asked him questions like why he wasn’t interested in giving me oral sex and he said that was what lesbians do and straight women wouldn’t be interested. Thanks. Thanks for shaming me for wanting basic sexual pleasure. I told him I didn’t understand why women’s bodies would be created the way they are, where it feels good to have sexual stimulation on the outside if we weren’t supposed to have any and he said maybe that was part of “the curse”. You know, the curse on Eve after eating the fruit in the Garden of Eden? Yes, he actually said that.

To be fair he didn’t want me to go down on him either because he felt oral sex was “wrong” in the eyes of God since it’s not used to procreate. Once upon a time though, when we were dating and before he “rededicated” his life to Christ, I gave him a blow job that resulted in him cumming in my mouth and me swallowing it. I remember it clearly because it was the first time I had really willingly swallowed someone’s cum and I gagged a bit because it was thick like Tapioca pudding. (I’ve since read that can happen when a guy doesn’t cum often enough, don’t know if that was the case or what). Anyway, he got all upset about it afterwards, even though I wasn’t at all and said he “felt bad” for doing so. Poor guy really did have a lot of hang ups about sex.

He also felt that masturbation was bad. We got into arguments about this because I felt it was natural and fine to touch your own body. He said he didn’t and was especially opposed to women doing so and it was even worse if you used a toy. Still, he was the one with the “porn problem” where he snuck off to some porn booths to supposedly masturbate. Now that I know those booths sometimes contain glory holes and people have sex in there I’m not so sure. Who knows what he was doing? Sex with men? I honestly wouldn’t be that surprised, because he had virtually no interest whatsoever in ME.

So I survived my marriage without these releases. Okay, not without masturbation. I never bought a toy but I know how to make do. I’m crafty like that 😉 Ha. Thank God for shower massagers and well, I won’t mention my other improvisations, but hey, they worked. I never have gotten the hang of getting myself off without some sort of aid but that’s okay because I’m like MacGuyver if I have to be.

Like it or not my body DOES need orgasms!! People give all this lip service to men having “blue balls” and NEEDING to get off every now and then but I firmly believe women do too! Heck I know I do! I know how it feels to have all sorts of sexual energy that really NEEDS a release. Perhaps I masturbate a little too often (sometimes a couple times a day) especially now that I have both a fun toy AND a shower massager, but hey, it feels GOOD so if I can find a few minutes to do so, why not? Just wish sometimes that it didn’t take me so dang long to get off, lol, or I’d do it more often.

Anyhow, the text was MEANT to be sent to the Professor, who, as usual, was AWESOME in bed tonight!! 🙂 I just love the sex with him so much. Its ultra- intimate and just hot, hot, hot!! One of these days I’m gonna learn to be more quiet though, sheesh, his poor neighbors. Thankfully the windows in the apartment above him looked dark when I was leaving and I don’t think anyone was home.

One of the positions we did tonight is something I don’t recall ever doing before. He had me lying on my back with my knees up against my chest, only he wasn’t laying on me missionary style like a guy usually would be when you are like that. He was sideways, and like almost doing push-ups. Ha, I guess guys have to be pretty athletic for some of the stuff they do in bed sometimes, glad it’s not me that is doing all that work, but I loved it and he seemed to enjoy it too. He was some of the time going side to side, like guys sometimes do when they are in Missionary, but instead, because of his position, it was up and down. I hope that makes sense. Anyhow it felt incredible.

Mmmmm…. I totally want to go crawl into bed and masturbate thinking about it now. It was only a couple hours ago that I left his place but I just love playing with myself afterwards and getting all lost in the thoughts of how good it felt. It’s funny because guys, and the Professor, often seem to think it’s an INSULT for you to admit to masturbating after having great sex with them. “What? You weren’t satisfied?” he will ask. So I don’t mention it anymore, lol, because that’s not the case at ALL. Being totally satisfied sometimes just makes me want to relive it. Sure there are times I masturbated after unsatisfactory sex too (like with the ex) but in those cases it was just to get off at all.

Actually, I masturbated earlier today, twice. Once in the shower and right after that with my toy. I guess I’m just a total horn dog, lol. What can I say? I’m not ovulating either. In fact I had light spotting this morning that indicates my period is gonna start up early. Makes sense since I’ve been an emotional wreck the past couple of days and crying a lot. I feel a lot better now though, after seeing the Professor. Sex is a good cure all. 😉

Speaking of sex and cures, the Professor does NOT have prostate cancer (yay!!!) but he does have an inflamed prostate and they don’t know why. He still has some pain and they’ve got him on a special sort of antibiotic that he’s been taking for over a month now. It causes him to be tired and have some not so great side effects, like joint pain, so hopefully he will be over with it soon and the swelling will have been reduced. I guess they just don’t know what causes that but guys get it sometimes. I was reading up a bit about it though and besides things like warm baths they suggest cumming a lot as a remedy, lol. I routinely tease him about this and tell him that’s the prescription from Dr. Lovergirl. 😉 However, I’m glad that’s not what I accidentally texted to the ex!! OMG. Facepalm!! lol

To bi or not to bi, is that the question?

Being bisexual is all the rage for the young women of today. There seems to be a lot of pressure on females to identify as “bi”. After all, kissing and making out with other girls is a well-known tactic for turning on MEN. It seems sometimes women will do ANYTHING to attract male attention, even going so far as to fake their sexual orientation. Why wouldn’t they though, when top on the wish list for most guys is a girlfriend who will indulge them in their fantasies of a threesome involving two women? I sometimes wonder what the world would look like if women pushed men in the same direction. Would guys be willing to go gay occasionally, just for the sake of turning on their girlfriends?

It makes you wonder, but I don’t think it’s even that simple. A lot of women, (and maybe men, though they aren’t as likely to talk about it) ARE turned on by the idea of same sex play. Many of us indulge in it at one time or another, even if we DON’T identify ourselves as “bisexual”. I fully admit I have toyed with this myself and I have a very strong inclination towards MEN, lol.

I could tell you that my first sexual experience with other females was recently, during a six-some with two other couples and the Professor and I, and that would be partly true. I jumped right into it, kissing, touching, and going down on two other women and one went down on me. One of those women did me with a strap on while everyone watched. At one point she and I were in a 69 with each other whilst the Professor was doing me from the back. I had no qualms about any of it and thought it was lots of fun. I would definitely do it again.

Still, I am really reluctant to claim the “bi” label. I just love cock too much, lol. I don’t see women walking down the street and think how much I want to fuck them. I can recognize beauty and sexiness but my feelings are platonic. I have no desire to be in a relationship with a woman outside of a friendship. Sex with another female is “just sex” and it’s missing what I really need to be fulfilled, both figuratively and literally. However I DID enjoy myself and would possibly even play with a woman by myself if I happened to be in the mood.

Actually, if I’m totally honest with you, my sexual exploration with other girls started long before that, even before I ever did anything with a guy. I can remember being as young as 8 or 9, spending the night at a friend’s house and she liked to play games that involved climbing on top of me naked. She would pretend to be a guy that had kidnapped and was going to rape me, sometimes even tying me up, taking off my panties and grinding on me to the point of orgasm, for both of us. Kind of kinky shit really, and it wasn’t just her, but with several other girls before I turned 12 or so and started to experience guys for real.

I know sex play and same sex play is normal for kids to engage in to some extent but mine probably went beyond that. I won’t get into all the details but it involved kissing and there were times it was pretty intense. Hell, we even had a sort of “orgy” once involving several girls. Still, I never felt particularly attracted to females as opposed to males and all of my crushes were on guys. Also, there were no mouths below the waist or fingering or anything like that. I never would have considered myself a lesbian.

Once, years later, I spent a day visiting a friend who went to the same high school as the girl mentioned above. She came up to say hi to me and I kind of shunned her because my friend said she’d come out as a lesbian and was telling people she knew me. I was afraid of being identified with her and have always felt guilty about treating her that way. The friend in question was really relieved that I didn’t embarrass HER by admitting to having been friends with this person. Sad how that works sometimes.

So moving on I basically put those experiences out of my head as soon as I discovered sex and relationships with the opposite sex. Sure I still had masturbatory fantasies that sometimes involved other females but I didn’t take it seriously and thought of it more as “just fantasy”. My friends and I would sometimes pretend to be gay to deflect drunken guys at parties (as if that really works!) but again that was simply a game in my mind. However, the only porn I really ever got into involved women having sex with each other. For some reason, that turned me on more than the male on female sex on the screen. I know I’m not the only woman like that.

Anyway, in recent years one of my sisters came out as a lesbian, which was kind of a shock since I’d never have expected it from her. She was in her late teens at the time and I predicted it would be a phase. Sure enough, after living with another female in a lesbian relationship for a couple of years she has now decided to have sex with men. She really wants a baby someday and I don’t think the lesbian thing was conducive to that dream! During that time another sister told me in secret that she considers herself bi. Then my mom told me about how she was considering a threesome with her (then) boyfriend and another woman. Sheesh. Just one coming out after another, lol.

Me though, as much as its thrown in my face on the swinger site and with all the couples that have propositioned me for sex, I just haven’t gone there other than with the Professor and those couples that one time. Honestly during that entire encounter, as fun as it was, I was REALLY looking forward to sex with the Professor at the end more than anything or anyone else. He’s just SOOOO hot in bed and I absolutely LOVE his cock, lol.

I’ll definitely never swing completely over to the other side. I’d say at this point I’m maybe 85% straight, with just that slight inclination to enjoy a dalliance here and there with another woman. Who knows though, maybe in the future I’ll surprise you. 😉