Archives

Finishing up (House party, part 3)

resized_giggling-girls-meme-generator-his-boat-goes-100mph-on-the-speedometer-6255a7

After the massive threesome fail, I was starting to feel pretty withdrawn.  My hair was a matted mess and I had tears running down my cheeks. It was like 4:30 in the morning. So I slipped into the master bedroom, with the intent of avoiding the remaining people at the party. 

I wanted to clean up a little bit and my bag was in the Host’s closet.  I was digging around but couldn’t find my hairbrush.  Dangit!  I must have left it in the car when I used it right before coming in.  While I was still searching, in walks the cuckhold guy I had seen earlier.  He’d been listening while the Host fucked his wife, and shortly thereafter I saw him eating her pussy on the stairwell. 

He made some joke about how the last time he’d seen me we were in 4th grade.  What?  I did a double take, because I actually did attend elementary school in that city for a while, so not improbable.  He was an average looking, white guy, with bland enough features that I wasn’t sure that he might not have been someone I knew.  He laughed though, and said he was kidding.  Whew! 

He came over and went in for a kiss.  I wasn’t too excited about it and sort of pulled away, making an excuse to leave the room.  I went into the kitchen, where another white guy grabbed my arm. 

This guy was actually pretty cute.  I’d been talking to him earlier and he’d said he was 26, though he looked even younger.  He could definitely pass for a college student.  So in that sense, he wasn’t my type, but he might have been, 15 years ago, lol. 

In any case, he was surprisingly confident and persistent, and he WAS pretty cute. He kissed me a couple of times before I let him lead me down the stairs. To my chagrin, the cuckhold guy was down there already, looking excited to see us.  His wife was passed out on the couch, though she was awake enough to respond when he made a joke about her being the parking lot attendant.

I sat on the couch with the young guy and we were sort of making out.  The cuckhold guy comes over and we ended up moving to another couch. He followed.  He was making comments about threesomes.  I was starting to think, hey, this might not be so bad.  I just had a threesome with two black dudes, now I could do two white guys, that would be a fun story to tell!  Haha

The young guy pulled out his rather thick, nice cock and I started to suck on it.  It wasn’t for long because the other guy was undoing his pants and standing near my face.  So I turned and started to suck on him while continuing to jack off the other guy with my hand.  I didn’t like the taste of this guy’s dick, what was it?  Dried cum?  Gag…

My hand suddenly felt warm and wet.  The younger guy had cum.  I briefly considered using my cum covered hand to lube up guy #2 so I could hurry up and get him to finish as well, but decided against it, lmao.  Somehow, I don’t think he would mind.

Instead I kind of pulled away and the older guy starts shouting things like “suck that thick cock!”  He was just getting revved up, and didn’t realize the other guy had finished (he was still rock hard).  We exchanged glances and I knew he wanted me to cover up for him.  I didn’t say anything about it and sort of half assed sucked on the other guy’s cock a bit while the younger guy pulled up his pants.  I pulled away and didn’t finish off the cuckhold, kind of left him hanging there. The Host had just come down the stairs so that gave me an excuse.

The Host probably thinks I fucked a lot more guys than I actually did at the party, lmao.  There were a few instances where I saw him watching me and it would have appeared to be so, but wasn’t.  Like once, this man, who was part of a black married couple that I had been talking with, had cornered me in the bathroom and tried to ask about having a threesome with he and his wife.  I liked HER and she was cool, but him, not so much.  Plus, I don’t know that she would have wanted that, or it was just him, because he was being secretive.  He turned off the light at one point and we were in there in the dark. Upon opening the door, there was Mr. Host again, paying attention from across the room.

Anyhow, I got up and asked Mr. Host if he needed help with anything. He was cleaning up and said he thought he had it and was just trying to get people to leave now. The younger white guy left and I avoided the other one and went upstairs. 

The Redhead girl was sitting on a chair upstairs in the living room and I sat down to talk to her, while some of the remaining people who were milling about filtered their way out.  She had changed out of her dress and was bumming, in sweats with her hair pulled back, like if you were at home watching tv or something. She said she had to be at some military function in an hour.  Mr. Host had went into the kitchen and was having a discussion with the security guys, I think divvying up money. They each individually hugged me before they left, by the way. I don’t think they had a clue how uncomfortable I was with the rough sex.

She sees me and was like “OMG, did you…”  I said “yes” and she said “I have never….”  I responded “I know”.  She whispered “I could barely even…”  I retorted “me either”.   The Host walks into the room so we continue our conversation in half sentences, obviously talking about the guy with the big cock, but wanting to fly under the radar so he wouldn’t catch it.  He was like “What the Hell did I just hear??”  LMAO.  I said “we are telepathic” and he just stared in disbelief.  She laughed and said “telepathy, we are communicating through telepathy”.  We both giggled and were like, it’s just “girl talk”.  He looked suspicious, but shook his head and left the room.

We talked for a few minutes longer about him and his not cumming with her and she said it was the same with Mr. Host.  She says now HE can go forever!  At that, the woman who I know has an ongoing sexual relationship with Mr. Host, whose husband is the old black guy and she is like 27, came into the room.  She was messing with her phone but looked up at that comment and said “yep”.  Then the Redhead made a joke, that I didn’t catch until later.  She was like straddling the arm of the chair she was on and said “Quit tryin to run” and the other girl laughed out loud.

Hours later, when I was in bed with Mr. Host, I finally “got it”, LMAO!  He’s got me pinned down, in some sort of hold where he is on his elbows and doing me from the back and he says “Quit tryin to run!  You can’t go nowhere!  Quit tryin to run!  You can’t get away from me!”  LMMFAO!!!  I can just picture him, with his big old cowboy hat that he likes to wear, and his southern drawl/midwestern twang accent, out there “wrasslin a hawg” or something.  Only in this interaction, I’m…..the hog.  Bahahaha! 

The embarrassing part is that, to me, this was actually pretty hot! LMAO Rape fantasies and all. 😉 Not the imagining a hog part, lol, but just being trapped like that where I can’t get away. 😉

Okay, so anyway the third girl is in the room and The Redhead again brings up the guy with the big dick. Now she is curious too because she didn’t get to have sex with him. So we both climb over onto the couch with her and we are huddled up talking and showing her pics and she is asking what his screen name is and saying she needs to put this into her phone.

In walks Mr. Host, and we quickly change the subject. You can tell he’s been trying to catch a little bit of our conversation and see what’s up. He later told me he didn’t like us girls talking about him. I guess that’s what he assumed since we had all slept with him at some point. He admitted though, that guys do the same thing. I said we were talking about something else anyway, and that she had only mentioned that he lasts a long time. Of course that was before I got the other joke, haha.

The Redhead left and the other girl went back and I think was talking with Mr. Host. Her husband came out and practically yelled at me to get up off the couch and come to bed. I’m thinking, seriously, please tell me we are not sleeping in the same bed with these people again!! Mr. Host had promised me not this time.

I got up and he was like you come in here with me, but said I needed to go outside to my car. I walked past Mr. Host and this woman having what appeared to be some sort of emotional discussion, in order to get my purse. I get the feeling she wants to sleep with him. Where is that going to leave me? I sure as hell don’t want to sleep with the old guy.

I went out and got my hairbrush. When I came back in she was still in the room, but walked out. Mr. Host was lying on the bed.

It felt a little awkward. I asked “what do you want me to do?” and he looked a little upset but said “what do you mean?” I said I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to sleep with him. He said, “of course I do, go close the door and come here, I think we are done with them now”.

I did as he asked and got under the covers next to him. The old man then barges in the room and starts telling me to get up and trying to yank me out of bed. I pulled away from him. He said “come on! Aren’t you going to come with me?”. I turned to look helplessly at Mr. Host. He looks at me for a second and then tells the old guy to leave us alone to “talk”. He didn’t come back. Thank God.

Mr. Host was like “you should have told him no, it’s okay to stand up for yourself”. I asked “were you trying to pawn me off on him?” and he said “NO!! Of course not.” He claimed the guy was drunk and normally doesn’t act that way, that normally he would be very polite and ASK me first, not demand stuff. He said he is not really like that.

I don’t know, but I was a little confused and glad he left. We had great sex in the morning but through much of the rest of the night I felt he was holding back a bit, maybe trying to keep me quiet so the other girl wouldn’t hear. He said he just wanted to “make love” and was going slow for much of the time. Not that it wasn’t fun, just a little frustrating. He did say he was tired, which is reasonable I guess, lol and wanted to sleep with his cock inside me (talk about frustrating, haha).

In the morning though, the sex was more intense and those people were still there. Finally, he came. :p I had to leave early due to my ex husband acting like an ass and refusing to take my son to basketball practice. Grrrr…. So not sure what happened with them after that.

I wasn’t able to meet with the Bodybuilder because of that either and he was kind of upset. I think he feels put off, and it’s true I kind of did do that. I couldn’t make any concrete plans with him due to my ex making it difficult for me to spend as long as I would like out of town. I’m glad I left it open ended though or it would have been worse. I knew I couldn’t make promises to get together. I’m sure he will still try to meet with me again. 😉

Meeting the Producer’s new girlfriend…

pitythefool

In my last blog post I was pissed at the Producer and hurt and had no intention of continuing anything with him.  I finally calmed down a bit and thought, okay, maybe I can do this.  Maybe, if he is really wanting to continue seeing me, like he was saying he had insisted to the other woman, and would be willing to keep treating me the same way he has been, then it wouldn’t be so bad.  I mean, isn’t that what “open relationships” are supposed to be about?

He was, at this point, in Amsterdam, so still couldn’t talk to me until I unblocked him from Whatsapp.  I decided to do so and told him that maybe I had overreacted.  He was very happy.  He said that I meant a lot to him and he couldn’t just turn relationships off and on like a light switch, that he isn’t that kind of guy.  According to him he’d been telling this woman how hurt he was that I wouldn’t talk with him and that he felt like he was losing our friendship.

From there things moved very quickly.  He had said he would like to take me out and talk about things over dinner when he came back, and I thought we could do that.  Then he brought up a swinger party that was going on here in town this weekend.  It was Halloween themed and did sound like a lot of fun.  He thought that would be a great environment for me and the new woman to meet, saying he knew we’d really like each other. 

I was a little concerned that we wouldn’t have a chance to have our talk FIRST, before jumping into the whole party scene, but it did sound like a good time.  Plus it would be a more easygoing way to meet her.  I agreed, since he was overseas, to reserve the hotel room (he said he would pay and normally wouldn’t ask me, but since he was so far away, I didn’t put it on a credit card or anything) for the three of us.  I also notified the hosts of the party that I would be bringing two people and reassured them they would be cool.

Since it was a Halloween party and only a few days away, there was also the concern of figuring out costumes.  I have a really cute little French Maid getup that I was thinking of wearing.  I said maybe somehow the three of us could coordinate.  He asked her and she said she had a ton of costumes, that maybe she could let me wear one of them.  Before I knew it she was offering to come by and show them to me. 

I was a little surprised that she would be willing to drive so far just to do that, and said it wasn’t a big deal if we matched or not, but agreed to let him give her my number so we could figure something out.  She lives about an hour and a half away, closer to where he stays when he comes down here (he had decided recently not to get the apartment near me, even though he’d already put down a deposit, and now I think it’s pretty obvious why).  She seemed really eager to meet me immediately.  In fact, she drove down that night.

He had sent me a few pictures of her, body parts first.  I was like, can I see her face please?  LOL  Men, sheesh,  how can I tell anything about a person from random body parts?  From the pictures she looked cute, not super pretty but average.  She was in fairly good shape, though heavier than I am.

He had already told me she was super bi and into women and that she and her ex used to play sometimes with other men because he was bisexual.  I didn’t really feel like getting fixed up or anything to see her though, so I didn’t. She had commented that she was getting her hair done beforehand, but I didn’t want to seem over competitive and spent more time on housecleaning than anything because my kids had made a mess and spilled popcorn everywhere.  I also had to get them to their dads and had a big ordeal with my oldest son that made us run pretty late. 

When she got in town she texted to ask if I had eaten and I hadn’t so she offered to buy me some Taco Bell and if I wanted to meet her there first.  So I drove around the corner to Taco Bell.  There weren’t many people inside and I knew right away which one she was.  She had asked what I wanted over text and was just bringing it over to the table when I walked in.

In person she looked older than I expected.  I guessed her to be in her early to mid 40’s and she had a few wrinkle lines on her face.  She was skinnier than she looked in the pictures but still had a bit of a tummy on her.  Her accent was pure country and she said she was originally from Nashville.  She was dressed up in a fancy blouse and big earrings.  It looked like she was trying hard to impress.   

I was a little bewildered that the Producer would be so into this woman.  At first sight she seemed nothing like his type.  His ex wife was a gorgeous Brazillian woman with a perfect butt.  There is another girl he has played with occasionally in my town and she is 20 years old and blonde and really pretty.  The other women he has shown me that he talks to or plays with have all been more attractive than this one.  I mean, she was still cute, but like I said, closer to average than gorgeous. Turns out she is the same age as I am, I was kind of surprised.

I was having a hard time imagining myself playing with her.  Not due so much to her looks as her kind of uptight seeming attitude.  I can be reserved at times too but my personality is more laid back. Her body language was tight and reserved and a bit schoolmarmish.  I thanked her for the food and sat down to eat and talk. 

She started in with the questions and came across a bit like an interviewer, asking me about my education and seeming to look down on me a bit when I said I only had a Bachelor’s degree.  She works in an optometrist’s office.  Her three kids are teenagers and she and her daughter don’t get along so the daughter has moved in with her father and they hadn’t talked for 6 months until recently.  I wondered how a parent could go that long without so much as talking to their child, even in the worst of circumstances, but kept my mouth shut.  After all, I have a difficult teenager too and I talked about him.

I was listening and slowly forming my opinions, wondering how on earth she and the Producer could ever get together.  They seemed to me to have absolutely nothing in common.  She’d been married twice, both times to abusive men, and apparently things were kind of bad with her most recent boyfriend too.  They had dated almost two years and she showed me a picture of him.  He was a rough looking white guy, a biker, and it honestly seemed she still liked him a bit despite his supposed abusiveness.

We talked more after we got back to my house and she told me she has never been with a black guy before.  Her mother was in shock and told her not to tell her dad, who is very racist.  She said her mom was cool with it but she was going to wait on telling her father until she was sure things were going to get more serious.

She had brought along a huge suitcase full of costumes, most of them never worn.  She said she just sees things and likes to buy them sometimes.  There were also lots of high heels.  As we discussed what to wear I suggested maybe we could be Playboy bunnies and have the Producer wear a silk robe, like Hugh Hefner.  I didn’t know if he had anything like that though and she said “are you kidding me?  He probably has piles of silk robes”.  Um, what?  LOL  Why would he have that?  But I didn’t comment.  I’ve been shopping with him before at Walmart and he bought clothes there.  He’s not really flashy like that with his clothing, though of course he does have money.

She seemed nice but still a little condescending.  Like she acted sorry for me that the Producer was in a relationship with her and that I had been “just” a FWB that developed “feelings” for him.  She was clearly trying to put me in my “place”, which I didn’t like. 

Anyhow, we finally decided that some of her clothes could be put together, with a little altering, to make a French maid outfit but that we’d include bunny ears.  I didn’t really like most of the rest of her costumes, not my style and wouldn’t make me look hot.  We also took a picture of ourselves (fully clothed and sitting on my bed) to send to the Producer, though at that time we figured he was probably still fast asleep.

She left and I was a little depressed.  I couldn’t really figure out what he saw in her and why he would think she was better than me.  I also didn’t get the impression she was nearly as “bi” as he claimed.  He had said she was really into women, but she told me that she was “willing” to play a little at places like a party.  She said she wasn’t into feelings or anything with women (of course neither am I so I didn’t really care about that).

I didn’t really tell the Producer my thoughts about her.  Just said it left me a little sad, honestly, speaking with her and he said maybe we should call off the party because he didn’t want me to feel bad in any way. He said they both felt really bad that I had been hurt by things.  I said that’s okay, I was sure the party would be fun and I just needed a couple days to adjust.

The next day though, I found out something that completely changed my mind.  He made some comment about how she only wanted him to play with other women if she was there with him and I was like, wait, hold up, does that include me??  Because that changes the whole ballgame.  He didn’t answer for a long time and I was getting anxious.  I finally was like ?? well?? 

He finally admitted that she had told him her one request was that he never play with another woman without her present, including myself.  He said it was very important to her that they only play together as a couple and she had agreed to do the same for him.  He said he was going to respect her wishes.

Oh hell no.  I wasn’t going to have her tagging along every time we had sex.  That completely went against what he had said about the relationship between him and I being just the same as it always has been.  If I can’t have alone time with him I am not going to do this.  He said she was okay with us going out together still, for dinner or to a movie, but no sex. 

FUCK THAT!!  OMG!!  Did he seriously think that was going to be okay with me?  I’m suddenly not “allowed” to have sex with him on our own any more?  Um, no.  That settles my decision that this is just not going to happen.  I asked, is SHE okay with never playing with you unless I am there??  Of course he wasn’t answering so I said I was going to text her and ask.  He told me not to do that but I did it anyway.

She gave me a very condescending little “lecture” over text about how they have a “relationship” and I was only sex to him, so it was different.  She told me maybe I needed to “back off” because she didn’t want someone with feelings for him hanging around. Meanwhile he was telling me that he really does have feelings for me but he wanted to go along with her wishes since he was trying to do this.  He tried to hint that if we had a slipup it would be okay as long as he told her afterwards.  Yeah, whatever, I was done.  I said I spent 13 years married to a man who wouldn’t sleep with me and I am NOT okay with dates that don’t include sex or a babysitter and forced threesomes. 

He was upset with me.  He couldn’t see why I wasn’t okay with this little arrangement.  I said are you kidding me?  You want me to just accept this?  I’m suddenly supposed to be fine with being the third wheel all the time?  Um, no.  I need my one on one time to connect, especially because we’d been seeing each other before she ever came along.

I said I was done with the both of them and since we weren’t going to be seeing each other anymore I would tell him the things I’d been afraid to upset him with before.  I said a real friend should tell you the red flags they see anyhow and I know you’ll think I’m just being a hater but I am going to throw them out there anyhow and you can make your own decisions.  I said this is what I want to leave you with so save it and come back to it someday to see if I am right. He said okay, talk to me.

I told him:

  1. Her family is racist. She’s never dated a black man before.  She said her mom was in shock she is seeing you and told her not to tell her dad.  I know you had a relationship recently where the family’s racism drove you apart and this is something you are going to have to live with for a really long time if you all get serious.
  2. ALL of her exes have been “abusive”, which is a red flag that she may someday be saying that about YOU.  Even if you know you’d never be abusive you did have that one incident where you hit your ex wife that has been haunting you (his ex still brings this up) and this woman might be someone that is so used to abuse she even tries to provoke you to hit her.
  3. She seems like she is trying to isolate you.  She’s already gotten you to completely drop the other women you were seeing and is trying to kick me out of the picture.  A lot of times emotionally abusive people will try and isolate you.  It’s very possible that someone who has been involved with abusive men could be emotionally abusive herself.  She talks down to me already.
  4. She has you getting involved in all of HER activities, martial arts, her church, her social group.  What about YOUR interests, why isn’t she accompanying you to any of those?  It seems like she is trying to change you.  She actually spent time preaching at me while I was there, telling me I should be in church again and that she is “really spiritual” despite admitting that swinging parties go completely against her church’s doctrine. 
  5. She seems really controlling, placing all these demands on you right off the bat.  If she’s like this now, how do you think she is going to be in a couple of years?  A woman who has respect for you is going to follow YOUR lead, not boss you around.

 

  1. I don’t know if I am right about this but she still seems interested in her ex boyfriend, the one she saw for 20 months.  She talked about him a lot and even showed me his picture.

 

  1. Why doesn’t her teenage daughter want to live with her?  Why would she prefer the “abusive” dad?  Even if they have a lot of issues, why would she go 6 months without talking to her?  As a mom that really rubs me the wrong way.  My own mother would do stuff like that but she abandoned us in a lot of other ways too.

 

Then I mentioned the comment about him probably having a lot of robes and that she apparently has some frivolous spending habits with all that stuff she buys but never wears. I reminded him that his ex was a gold digger and he might want to watch out for that to happen again.

He thanked me for my insights and agreed that they were things he should look into and some were very true.  Then a little while later he hits me back saying how could I criticize her about her daughter when I have an out of control son.  I said hey, no one is trying to get serious about and marry me but if they were I would be up front about that.  He is right, my son has a lot of issues but he also knows I love him more than anything in the world and would choose to live with me over anyplace else.  Even if he didn’t I wouldn’t go 6 months without speaking to him.

 

Okay, so then I get a LIVID message from her that he has FORWARDED my entire message to her.  She said I was lying and twisting things to my benefit.  That nothing I said was remotely true. I said, um no, you weren’t meant to see that but I stand behind what I said, it was an opinion based on what I have observed.  I asked why he texted that to her and he said he just wanted to ask her if it was true. 

 

He then texts me to blame me for causing all this “drama”.  He said he can’t believe he is having to deal with this kind of drama from two women when he is all the way overseas and that it’s worse than his ex who is in her mid 20’s or this 20 year old girl.  He was like I thought I was dealing with grown women that could be mature about this.  I said, nope, you caused the drama by SENDING HER my opinion, did you really think she wouldn’t get pissed??  That’s your people, you can deal with the repercussions of that!

 

At that point he was heading off on the plane to come home to the U.S. so I wished him a safe journey and said maybe he’d find a seatmate that wanted to listen to his woman troubles and offer advice, lol.  When he got back though, shit hit the fan because he was still trying to say he really just wished we could all go to the party together and I would agree to have her with him when we had sex.  Never…..

 

It finally got to the point where I blocked him again.  He just seems so brainwashed by this woman already.  WHAT the hell did she do to him??  I don’t get it at all!!  How could he be so bowled over by someone like her??  She must have some serious skills in some area or another!!  Is it in the bedroom?  I know she doesn’t give better blowjobs than me because he was just telling me that I am a head and shoulders above all the rest as far as that is concerned. 

 

Maybe he likes her because she is such a hit to his ego.  37 years and has never been with a black man and now she’s sooooo in love with him!  I admit I probably didn’t flatter his ego enough.  I held back in that regard and didn’t want to come across as to overeager.

 

The only other thing I can think of is that she is some kind of a master manipulator.  During our last argument he threw in my face that they are going on a cruise together for “their” birthday.  Apparently their birthdays are the same week and he said this means they are meant for each other.  He really seems to believe that bullshit too.  It’s amazing.  My ex husband and I were 4 days apart, big fucking deal.  I was like, well, it sure beats roses that didn’t mean anything to you and he said “you are trying to guilt trip me but it’s not working”.  Um, okay.  He then said I was twisting everything about her.  Apparently she’s really pulling some puppet strings because, no, I was being real.

 

In any case, it’s crazy seeing him act like such a fool over someone he’s only known a few weeks. He’s been totally snowed. Who decides to get all serious THAT quickly?  Seems like a train wreck waiting to happen, but it’s no longer any of my concern.

P.S. No clue why WordPress decided to number my paragraphs after #5 both #1 again. Maybe they think those are extra important, lol. 😉

Feeling this today….

I found this blog post off a link from Twitter. Wow… Hits a little too close to home. Emotionally unavailable men, story of my life….

A Letter to Emotionally Unavailable Men

Oh and How to Know He Loves You: Stress Him Out

This one seems to be something I do intuitively. I stressed him out and he bailed. So, now I know. It was all a farce. Painful to find out the truth but probably better now than later.

Pole dancing and picking up girlfriends

poledance

Meeting guys is easy. Dating sites, sex sites, Craigslist, bars, walking through the grocery store, you name it, there are all sorts of places to meet men. I tend to get hit on pretty frequently when I am out without my children, and sometimes when I have them with me. Not necessarily by anyone I WANT to be hit on by, lol, but whatever, it still boosts my ego.

Not that I am out very often sans kids. It’s quite rare, actually. They are mostly attached to my hip when I’m in public. So that hampers things a bit too. In the event that a guy talks to me with my kids standing there, I am much more reserved and unlikely to show interest. That hasn’t stopped a random guy from KISSING me in the grocery store parking lot awhile back (while my kids were in the van after he followed us out)and occasional men hounding for my number or simply talking and appearing interested. My 13 year old son sometimes points out his observations to me. “That guy likes you”. Yeah, HE can even tell, lol.

I’m not horrible looking or anything but I also don’t look like a supermodel. I think the reason I get hit on a lot probably has more to do with the fact that I smile a lot and maybe look “approachable”. I’m generally polite and friendly to strangers. Sometimes guys take this to mean more than it actually does.

One of my sisters, who is quite attractive, claims men rarely talk to her. I think in her case it has more to do with the fact that she appears “closed” and brushes people off. She’s not as open and warm. If I didn’t know her I wouldn’t talk to her either. I’d be afraid she’d tell me off, lol.

In any case, I find meeting men to basically be a piece of cake. If I want to go on a date, I just go glance through the zillions of emails I have on Plenty of Fish or OkCupid and pick a few to respond to on a night I have free. Usually at least one will ask me out right then. OR I throw out a Craigslist ad and generally get several responses before they flag and take it down. Then there’s the swinger site and an occasional option there that seems interesting. That doesn’t always wield great results, but hey it’s easy to at least find a guy who wants to meet.

They’re everywhere, even if the ones I genuinely LIKE and have good chemistry with are fewer and farther between. I’ve heard the statistic somewhere that there are 500 men for every woman on online dating sites! I don’t know if that’s actually the case but there are definitely a lot of fish in the sea, whether they are good catches or not. Of course, I also have a few men in my life that I like and have available for sex already, even though they don’t all live close by. So generally, guys are easy.

Now WOMEN on the other hand, are really difficult. I’m not even talking about for sex. Men complain about that I know, but I’m just talking friendship. It’s really hard for me to meet female friends. Ladies, you know how we are. Often cliquish and reluctant to let a new woman into the fold.

Don’t get me wrong, I have women friends that I’ve known since childhood and I have sisters. They all live far away, though it’s great to talk on the phone and have an occasional visit. The women I know around here are mostly people I knew during the years I was married to a man in ministry. So that means they are hardcore Conservative Christians. Most of them are married. I’m the odd woman out.

Anyway, despite the male attention, I really MISS having some girlfriends to hang out with! When the Professor goes on his guys nights out (he plays poker with some guy friends once in a while and not too long ago took a road trip to watch a football game, stuff like that), I’m happy for him but it also makes me wish even more that I had some female company as well. The problem is where to find some!

I’m not really in a position to go out often without my children. I used to be in MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and met a lot of women there but it also has that Christian focus. Lovely ladies and we had fun but they aren’t women I can let down with and enjoy a glass of wine or more adult activities. I also felt that pressure to put on a certain “face” and be that perfect wife and mother around them. When I got divorced I felt a little bit ostracized. The same was very much true for my experience with women in the church. Suddenly my “friends” weren’t so “friendly” anymore, now that I am divorced. That was a part of why we dipped out of church and all its accompanying fakeness.

Shortly after my divorce I wanted to meet some other single females to hang out with that were more my speed so I tried a local Meetup group. I met with a couple of ladies for drinks and it was fairly nice but they were all married and a bit boring. Still I would have gone out with them again if my ex- husband’s schedule hadn’t changed to where he wasn’t taking the children in the evenings. Due to that I was unable to attend meetings for quite a while and they dropped me from the list. 😦 Finding and affording childcare for me to have time to go out is generally difficult.

Anyway, the last time the Professor had a men’s poker night and was sending me pics of the guys playing and stuff I told him I really wished I had a way to meet some other women and he had a great (and obvious- duh!) idea! He said what about at the gym? I was like I never talk to women at the gym, we are mostly just on our own machines working out with headphones on. He said what about taking a class?

The wheels started turning, how could I not have thought about that?? I work out daily anyway and have a membership at the YMCA. There is free childcare there and plenty of classes offered. I’d seen some aerobic dance classes going on a while back and even seen friends of mine post stuff on Facebook about Zumba, which totally sounded like my cup of tea! I love doing dance style workouts at home.

I immediately went down and got a schedule and they offer Crossfit and Zumba and Pilates and a few other different classes. The Zumba classes are offered in the evenings at a time that would be great for me and you don’t have to sign up but just show up whenever you want to come. PERFECT! 🙂 I went to three classes last week and really enjoyed it. Decent music and the moves are fun and easy to follow. The women seemed nice though the instructor one of the days and another woman were going on about a great worship service at church, so yeah, more church ladies but maybe not everyone.

Anyhow, the Professor made another comment about me liking my pole dancing experience at the last swinger party and he wondered if they offered classes about that. Of course the Y here doesn’t. They have classes that only play Contemporary Christian music though. Gagging here, that is like the worst music ever. I can’t STAND Contemporary Christian music, even all those years in church. I’d much rather listen to gospel or hymns or praise and worship music than Contemporary Christian, it just SUCKS, lol. It all sounds the same and is just horrible. One of the reasons I was turned off by one guy I had sex with a couple of times was because he insisted on blasting this horrible sounding music by Creed in the car when he was driving and telling me how great it was. YUCK!! How can anyone listen to that shit? But I digress…

So anyway, I decided to look online for pole dancing classes in this area. At first I couldn’t find anything and thought it was a hopeless search. THEN I finally came across a place a few miles out of town that offers some pole dancing classes that are a combination of that with belly dancing, yoga, pilates and some other stuff. The whole place sounded really hippy and New Age, but kind of intriguing. They were very mysterious as to what they actually do there, only women are allowed and it’s way out in the middle of nowhere on some kind of renovated farm down a dirt road. The descriptions were very mystical.

The intro class was only $25. I had to try it, to see what this place was all about. Since my ex hadn’t taken the kids the previous weekend I had a reason to ask him to take them during the week too so I made an appointment.

Last night I dropped off the children and drove for about thirty minutes in the sleet down dark country roads looking for this place. I finally found it. There were some sort of creepy decorations on the gate and I drove down a long gravel drive to park outside the building where it would be held. Honestly I was feeling slightly afraid. Like, are these actually serial killers? Why is it way out in the middle of nowhere, why are they so secretive about what they do and why is it only women? It was dark and raining ice and that didn’t help. However, when I pulled up there was another woman arriving at the same time who had never been there before. We weren’t sure if we were even in the right spot because there were several buildings but decided to walk up the stone path to what looked like a remodeled cabin or garage of some sort.

Walking through the door we were greeted by a receptionist in a very relaxing, spa-like atmosphere and asked to fill out some forms. We joined two other girls who were doing the same, on some nice comfortable couches. On the wall were nude paintings of men and women dancing and sitting on park benches. I picked up what looked like a mint out of a bowl on the front desk, unwrapped it and popped it in my mouth. It tasted like some sort of organic horehound candy and was spicy too. Blech…

The papers I filled out were at first basic and then I had to sign some interesting forms promising not to share the secrets of what I did and learned there. So I have to be a bit vague, even with you all, sorry! I could hear the strains of “Dirty Diana” playing in the adjoining room before seeing the women in the previous class leave. Like us, there were only about 4 of them, one older woman maybe in her early 40’s and a few twenty- somethings.

The women in my class were in their early and late twenties or so, other than me, but I didn’t feel out of place. The instructor was older than me and the website made sure to assure us that all body types and ages were more than welcome. A few of us needed to use the restroom, so we had to leave the building and walk through the cold, wet weather into an adjoining building, past screaming cats in a garage and into what appeared to be someone’s house and laundry room. The mirror in the restroom was completely covered with little notes saying things like “you are a Goddess” and “your body is beautiful”.

We returned to the main building. Once we got signed in we were asked to leave our coats and purses and shoes in cubby holes and were taken into a darkened room with a few stripper poles and sat down on mats on the floor. The instructor was joined by the woman who was behind the desk.

The room and the atmosphere, I can only describe as very unique, yet inviting and warm and relaxing. There was a fake gas fireplace and dim red and yellow lanterns adorned the ceiling. No mirrors, any windows were completely covered with very dark curtains. It was sort of like being in a cave and had this Wiccan or Pagan “feel” to it. It reminded me a bit of when I was a kid and my grandmother used to take me to a hippy Sufi “church”, where we would light candles and chant.

We went around the room giving brief introductions and backgrounds. One woman had been in the military and wanted to get more in touch with her feminine side. The other two had previous experience in dance (not the erotic kind) and wanted to regain their skill in some way and learn something new. Me, I simply cited curiousity.

Anyhow, what transpired after that, I can’t really describe. We did a lot of relaxing exercises set to music that put you in a somewhat trancelike state, but it was both sexy and a bit like meditation. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. It was nice to let go of all the stress of the week and get lost in this new experience.

Then we got to work learning some sexy stances and exercises and trying a new trick on the poles. They had a couple of regular poles and a spinning one as well. It was amazingly easy to me (though they said they don’t start out with the “easy” moves necessarily) but also fun. I got compliments from the instructors on my gracefulness and ease and the way my long hair looked spinning around on the pole. No one said anything negative to anyone. One woman (the military girl) struggled with a bit of awkwardness but was only given encouragement and helpful tips. There was a lot of cheering on and positive reinforcement.

Afterwards we sat on a soft couch together and watched as the instructors did a demo of what we would learn if we take the regular course. It was mesmerizing, entrancing and something I would definitely like to try! I’m waiting for a little bit of tax money to come in and then pretty sure I will enroll in a short course. It’s really not too expensive and I think it will be a lot of fun. They offer courses at several different times. I think it’ll be awesome, relaxing, a bit empowering and maybe I’ll get to meet new friends too, not to mention learn a few skills that I may get a chance to show off at some point, like at one of the swinger parties. They almost always have a stripper pole standing around somewhere.

Between that and Zumba I at least have a running start in meeting new girlfriends. Women can be hard to get to know sometimes and I realize that in general around here I don’t fit in. I actually feel kinda bad because back when I first got divorced I remember a woman emailing me on OkCupid saying she was really just looking for friendship and didn’t know where to start. I didn’t email her back because at that time she seemed needy and I had a lot on my plate plus it seemed a little odd, but maybe she was just someone like me, who didn’t know where to find other women to relate to! Hopefully things worked out for her and soon will for me as well. 🙂

Men, they just don’t get it…and territorial, competitive, women

I don’t want to be a man hater. I really don’t. I want so much to be able to love and trust men, without fear. It seems like I am always hopeful, always looking for the best in every guy that I have a relationship with. Yet every time, every freaking time, they disappoint.

Once, the guy I had an affair with got an earful from me that had something to do with how frustrating I found both men and computers. I said anything else I can understand, be patient with and handle. Like I can handle a bunch of small children, but give me a man or a computer and I am fucked (heh, no pun intended, but…). His response was “that’s because you expect men and computers to be perfect, and they’re not”.

Okay, I had to mull over that one for a bit, because I think it’s true. My expectations regarding the male species are pretty darn high. I don’t think it’s just me either. Women, in general, seem to want the impossible out of men, at least in comparison to what they are actually like in reality. It’s like sheesh, can’t you just read my mind and do things exactly the way I want you to? That would make it sooo much easier, seriously, thanks in advance.

For real though, why does it have to be so hard? Why do men and women have such a difficult time communicating and meeting one another’s needs? It’s like all the relationship books and theories in the world just don’t cut it in real life. We STILL can’t get along! Not even when all the “experts” spell it out for us in detail.

When I first got married someone gave me the book “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”. I wanted to read it but my ex- husband railed about how bad secular psychology was and how the only psychology book we needed was the Bible, so I put it in a box in the attic. Years later, when we were going through our divorce (and after having read quite a few marriage and relationship books from a Christian perspective in addition to the Bible), I found it and read it. Lots of interesting advice that seemed like it would help with some men, but almost totally useless when it came to the ex because he didn’t seem like the typical male at all in his attitude or patterns of behavior.

I was having my affair at the time though and actually did find some of the information helpful during our arguments because he and I seemed to pretty well fit the typical male/female types. I wouldn’t agree with all of the advice and some of it was corny, but the idea of men being like rubber bands and needing to go into their caves was eye opening for me and helped me to understand and give more space. So there was some good advice as far as understanding men and their general weirdness.

Men are always complaining about how complex and confusing women are. No dudes, it’s not us, it’s YOU, lol. Sometimes the things you do and say just make NO sense whatsoever!

Anyway, what I’m getting to is that the Professor and I are having some issues. 😦 I am broken and I don’t know what to do. I hate that having feelings for someone seems to make things so much more complicated.

Actually, I’d been thinking for a while about writing some POSITIVE things about him. He’s been really wonderful to me in ways no other guy really ever has in my life and I am most definitely falling harder than I would like for this man. Harder than I would like because having FEELINGS starts to stress me out. Everything stops being so simple when you get vulnerable with a person.

I feel like overall things with us have been GREAT, really. I adore the heck out of him and have opened up and trust him more and more all the time. He talks to me too. We are supposed to be open about our sexual activity and I THINK he is telling me when he is with other women. I know on my end I have been completely honest as far as what I am doing and with whom. It was his idea to tell each other things and I’ve been happy because I just felt like he was being real with me and it took away a lot of the worry I have had in other relationships.

I’m not saying the poly thing is easy, for either of us really. He gets upset when I sleep with other men. Not angry with me, but he admits that it affects him emotionally. He won’t sleep with me on the same day that I have been with someone else (unless we are swinging together) and it takes him a bit to “get over” it afterwards, which leaves me feeling kind of guilty. I hate to hurt him in any way because I really like him. For that reason and because of his cancer scare, I had cut back quite a bit on meeting with other guys. I wanted to take away as much of his stress and worry as possible. I decided no NEW men until the coast was clear. Thankfully he didn’t have cancer but he is still on meds for an inflamed prostate and slowed down his outside activities so I have still been holding back a bit.

So the past couple months he hasn’t been with anyone else but me. At least that’s what he’s saying and we are supposed to tell each other. Me, on the other hand, I have been with my fuck buddy a couple of times and once with Mr. Former Affair guy. The rest of the time it’s just been the Professor. However, there is always this married woman that is in love with him long distance lurking in the background. I have to keep reminding myself of that because it’s so easy to forget and want to start getting comfortable with the idea that he is MINE.

I’m not too fond of this married woman. It seems, from my end, that she makes attempts at sabotaging the relationship I have with the Professor whenever she gets a chance. She was around six months before me and according to the Professor was having a hard time with me being in his life. He claimed, at least in the beginning, that she was more in love with him than vice versa. She’s a decade older than the Professor (so almost 20 years older than me), rich, and has been married for a long time. I guess she isn’t in love with her husband and he still “allows” her to come visit once a month or so and stay for a few days at a time. She has a key to his apartment (which I strongly resent) and is attractive despite her age (I’ve seen pics on the swinger site).

The first weekend, after he and I were seeing each other, that she came down, he completely disappeared and I was pretty hurt. He didn’t text or anything and I took it to mean he was through and didn’t want to see me again. He later said he couldn’t contact me because she was so upset about some guy standing her up that she spent the entire weekend in tears, needing his comfort. What a pathetic sounding manipulative strategy for hogging his attention. EYEROLL.

On subsequent visits we have had different issues. For example, she randomly decided to make a trip down here on my birthday weekend, when he and I were supposed to be spending time together. I was crushed. Once she came down for a set amount of days and then decided to stay an extra day, on a day he was supposed to be coming over to MY house for dinner, causing him to stand me up. I was not happy. Of course I was angry with HIM all those times because I felt he could put some limits on her obnoxious, disrespectful behavior, and he hasn’t. He doesn’t seem to see the manipulative side of it all. When I try to point it out he seems to blame ME for saying anything, which is upsetting and leads me to wonder if he is more in love with her than he is willing to admit. He CLAIMS to see neither of us as “above” the other but I sometimes have my doubts.

Anyhow HE recently had a birthday. He wanted to spend a day on the weekend before with me and I had made him a naughty video of myself which I gave to him then. We weren’t able to go out though because I got out of the house so late after problems getting my kids to their dads. We ended up hanging out at his house and having hot sex which was fun, but I felt bad that I couldn’t do more for him. He knows I am broke though and he claimed to be busy with work and coaching the rest of the week.

So on the day of his actual birthday, I left some homemade cookies on the doorstep while he was supposed to be at a meeting at work. He took an unusually long time to mention that he had seen my present and then finally texts claiming his “sister” had driven down to see him, from a city a few hours away, as a surprise. That sounded pretty suspect. I mean, his sister just randomly shows up, in the middle of a work week, from that far away, without letting him know? Without maybe checking to see if he was gonna spend it with someone else? Um…. It did however, sound like something his favorite married woman would do. She likes to randomly show up at inconvenient times and would of course want to do something for his birthday. Supposedly he hadn’t seen her for a couple of months before that.

I called him to ask if he minded me stopping by to say hi, since I was near his house anyway. He said he was at a restaurant with his “sister”. I said “you mean your sister or your married friend?” He said it was his sister and launched into some sort of excuse and I asked again, twice. He sounded like he was gonna cry so I let him go and texted to have a great birthday dinner and sorry if I was wrong. I still didn’t really believe him but I went to work out at the gym and then sat in my car afterwards mulling it over and chatting with a male friend online about what he thought. I managed to refrain from driving to his apartment to see if I could spot them or acting like a crazy stalker bitch.

Meanwhile, he calls me and he is at MY house. He wondered where I was (the gym had been closed for a bit already) and I had to rush back. He sat there and told me his sister and her boyfriend had come down but that they drove back home and we kissed and made up and all was okay, though he did ask me later where I actually was and didn’t seem to believe my story. I said I had been upset and sitting in my car outside the gym and he said that was way overthinking. Eventually he let it drop.

Okay, so LAST night we were supposed to go to this orgy party that I had discovered on Craigslist. It was an hour and a half out of town and we had to send pics to be approved because supposedly it was only good looking, in shape couples and we passed the test and were given the hotel address. So we drive all the way there and NO ONE is at the hotel room. Damn! Jerks. They didn’t even have the decency to tell us not to show up and we had rsvp’d and everything. Nice. Anyhow, I tried my best to make light of the situation and cheer him up and tease him about what we were gonna do when we got back to his place, even though it was late. We tried emailing some other couples on the drive but no luck. We ended up back at his house and had some hot one on one and I spent the night all cuddled up with him in his bed. Wonderful ending.

Only I woke up in the morning after a horrible dream about that married woman. I dreamt I got into a fight with her at his place. He had to leave to coach his team and said not to rush I could just stay in bed and lock the door when I leave.

So when I get up and go over to the dresser, where he had said to put my jewelry the night before, I can’t help but notice that my jewelry is lying on top of a brightly colored, striped notecard with a note from the married woman. It says something like “thanks Baby for a great time, sweet dreams, I miss you sooo much xoxoxoxo”, then with a message for his dog at the bottom (eyeroll). I felt sick to my stomach, but went over by his nightstand to finish putting my clothes on. In a flash I pull open the drawer where he keeps his sex toys/condoms, etc. and sure enough there is another one of those striped notecards with a little love note. In his fucking SEX drawer, so that any time he opens it he would see and think of HER. What a bitch. This HAS to be deliberate.

I should have just ripped up the stupid cards and not said anything. But no, I’m too freaking honest for my own good. I’m feeling upset about it so I feel like I NEED to verbalize that to him and tell him what I saw. I texted him that I was leaving and that I would have left a note but there was already one there. On the way out I see another similar card sticking out of a bunch of papers (you can’t miss them, they are bright as hell and I’m sure that is her intention) and yep it’s another little love note. I don’t want to see anymore but my curiosity gets the best of me. Yeah, there’s a whole fucking STACK of little love cards and Hallmark cards from her sitting next to the TV. She’s taken over the whole damn house. You’d think they were married to each other or something.

I left the house feeling flustered and awful and sick to my stomach and like I was gonna cry. She had to have been there recently because I had never noticed the card on the dresser before. How could I miss that? It was in plain sight and I know I’ve put my phone and stuff on there. I figure it wasn’t really his “sister” after all, which means he is not really someone I can trust to keep his word. I am really upset now but don’t text and have to run off to an appt with my children.

He finally responded like 2 hours later and said that it was a card that has been there forever. I made a snappy comment about it being nice of his “sister”. He said ok, we will talk later. Later, I have calmed down a bit but done some crying and decide to just be honest (dammit there I go again) and tell him that seeing it hurt me. He says it’s my own fault for being hurt. WTF? Then he accuses me of not locking his door. What? I totally made sure to do so.

This is where it all goes to pot. All I needed was for him to say something like “hey I’m really sorry you had to see that. It’s been there forever and I didn’t mean for it to hurt you” and all would be good. But no, he is a male. He can’t do that. He blames ME for having hurt feelings and gets me all upset and I tell him that if he can’t understand my feelings then I will make sure not to express them to him any further. He says he’s going to a movie and completely ignores that I am feeling bad, expresses no compassion or care whatsoever. I don’t respond. Later he texts thanks for making his bed and that he hopes my kids and I have a nice Christmas. (He had given presents for them yesterday). So I guess that implies he doesn’t want to see me again. Wonderful.

I texted back thanks for making displaying this woman’s love notes more important than my feelings. I left one last text late tonight saying thanks for the gifts my kids will love them and that I had sent him a gift he will get eventually but he may not know it was from me since I had called him Baby and signed it with xoxoxoxo. (Implying that he may think its from her…it was a gift certificate for an hour long massage at a local massage school. I had been pretty excited to get that for him because I know he has been having some joint pain and would love one and normally I couldn’t afford an hour long massage but lucked out at the school with prices). Guess it doesn’t matter anyway. Plus I’m sure he will get something much nicer from the very wealthy old lady he is sleeping with and apparently prioritizes over me. Maybe I do hate men after all.