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Gone with the wind?

disappearing

Yep, you guessed it. Things are going wrong with the Cohort again. Why do I do this? It’s like I can only write when I fear things are falling apart. Yet, so much has happened. He’s not even the only man in my life. I have other stories. It’s not like I’m lacking material. There have been so many interesting experiences, feelings and thoughts coursing through my mind, ones that I WANTED to share with you all, but couldn’t bring myself to.

I’m so caught up in my feelings, that it is hard to write. Even now, I am struggling with deleting and rewriting everything. Help!

I always swore I wasn’t going to be one of those blog writers that just disappears all of a sudden because I got caught up in a relationship. No, not me! Never!! Sigh….

The truth is, I finally understand. I finally know what it feels like to be so in love with someone that it takes over your heart and your mind. There. I admitted it.

I love him. Even if nothing works out between us, even if everyone reading my blog thinks I’m crazy or that he’s some kind of bad person because of the things I have said about him. Even if he or I makes every mistake in the book and I open up our life to the world on here, I’ve said it.

I guess, that is a big part of it all. I’m afraid of opening “us” up to criticism. I’m afraid of anyone saying anything negative about him or my feelings for him and want to protect that. I want to protect him from all you big bad bloggers and people out there that might see his mistakes and failures, instead of the man that I see.

Of course, I want to protect myself too. I want to cover up all my fears and vulnerabilities, so no one can go back later and say “I told you so” when things go wrong. The truth is though, that we are both flawed individuals, just like everyone else out there. He’s not a bad guy with bad intentions, any more than I am a bad person.

The difference between the Cohort and other men, is that I feel like I UNDERSTAND him…and like he understands ME. I’ve never had that with anyone, anywhere, before. That’s not to say I understand his every behavior or action- far from it. He’s a typical, completely baffling at times, male. Yet, somehow, without words, when I search my heart, I just know.

It’s funny that I write these words right now, when he’s in the middle of doing something that seems completely incomprehensible. I’ve been agonizing for days because he has just suddenly disappeared, after spending a wonderful day together. The man who normally calls, texts and wants to see me several times a week has just *poof* pulled a Houdini and vanished into thin air.

What happened? His last text to me was sweet and loving. He thanked me for “being there” on his birthday and being someone he cares about and who he knows cares about him. Then….nothing. I haven’t tried to contact him either because something in me knows its not the right thing to do.

What the heck- right? Who does that to someone they have been seeing for over a year? We’d had a great time, he took me out for lunch and a little shopping, we had great sex (with a condom, he wore a condom with me for the very first time), we cuddled and kissed and were all over each other afterwards while we watched a movie at his place. We ate some of the ice cream cake I had made him for his birthday and he walked me out to my car before I left, to kiss me goodbye, and because it was dark.

He had been talking, in bed, about how he wished he could take me on a vacation and how he wanted to see me later in the week. He was affectionate, looking in my eyes, kissing on my neck, stroking my hair, spooning behind me as we watched a movie and wrapping his arms around me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary or out of place. If anything, he seemed more loving than ever.

So what happened? Where did he go? I know he’s alive. I can see on his business account that he has been shipping things, so he has to be at home, not even on a vacation. I saw him, last night, logged into the swinger site.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions, from fear of abandonment, to anger and just complete confusion. I’ve wondered if this is some kind of cowardly way of “dumping” me, or what? Will I ever hear from him again?

Yet, when I really search my soul, I know it’s okay. Something in me says to trust him, even when he is doing something that many people would be enraged about. That’s not to say it’s easy, but I just know. I know how he gets in his head and overwhelmed by the feelings he has for ME.

It’s kind of like I’ve been feeling about writing in my blog. I want to, I want to reach out, yet I can’t think straight. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. So I put it off and each time I want to do it, I just can’t.

Meanwhile, I go about my life. Sometimes I feel guilty for not writing. Sometimes I crave it but keep putting it off. Its always in the back of my head though, because I really do love writing in my blog, and finally, here I am.

Will I stick around this time? I can’t answer that question. I’m like a non-committal man. I WANT to, really badly, because it feels so good to be here. I came on strong in the beginning, but now I run hot and cold, in and out, unsure of myself because I am unable to handle how I FEEL.

When I come back, each time I realize how much I missed it, and miss you guys! It’s like this huge relief to see the same people commenting again. It feels safe and draws me back in again.

Ahhhh…. this is eye opening. It feels like I know now what to do with the man I love. I’ll let him go and continue to go on about my life. When he comes back I may tell him how it felt while he was gone, but I am not going to hold it against him. No grudges here, because I understand.

I’m not saying I will put up with mistreatment, but also please don’t be too harsh on the Cohort. He’s very much, like me. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in a mirror, like I have found my other half. I feel like this man, is my soul mate, if such a thing exists.

He’s ever so imperfect, but at the same time, so endearing.  He’s so REAL and so full of insecurities and fears, yet so perfect.  Perfect, for ME.  He’s like everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, yet he drives me crazy.  He makes me laugh like no one else, and sometimes, he makes me cry, though I know he feels bad if he does.

I know I could spend the rest of my life with him.  I know I could.  There is NO question in my heart.  He feels like the One.

Would we have a perfect, bump free, life?  Oh HELL no!  Haha  There is just so much to consider.  So many possible pitfalls, so much to overcome.  I just can’t imagine it with anyone else the way I can with him.

Some texts he sent, a couple of weeks ago, after we had a blowout, said this:

“I don’t hate you Lovergirl”

“You’re just very passionate”

“And you are dead wrong…You ARE special to me…. you are probably the woman I truly should be with if I just let myself”

There you have it.  If he just “let himself”.  He’s got this big internal struggle going on over me.  He FEELS like I do, yet he sees my situation as this big, insurmountable obstacle.  He’s still struggling with the fact that I have so many children and my finances aren’t great. Maybe someday he will get over it and just take that leap of faith…and maybe, he won’t.

I guess I just have to trust him, and oddly, for the first time in my life I do. Even when everything that has happened thus far might point other people otherwise.  People might say that he doesn’t love me or he wouldn’t act the way he does, but I don’t believe it.  I FEEL it.  When I dig down, deep inside myself, I KNOW.

So, even though he’s disappeared, for now, I feel safe.  I feel like he will make the decisions he needs to for both of us. Maybe it will mean I never see him again, or maybe not. Somehow I feel good about it, amidst it all. The more I search my heart, the more confident I feel. I’m pervaded with a strange sense of calm. What’s meant to be, will be.

“Relationship” ruminations

stock-photo-happy-interracial-couple-on-a-beach-9833398

I’ve been spending a lot of time with the Cohort lately. If it’s not a “relationship” (because it seems like no one ever wants that title with me) then I don’t know what the hell else to call it. In any case, we’ve been hanging out a lot.

A couple of weeks ago he took me out for drinks with his best friend and his wife again. We had fun and they were inviting “us” to further activities together. The Cohort later said it kind of freaked him out that his friend seemed to be pushing the whole relationship thing, but nevertheless he took me out again with them and some other friends, soon after, to a Sushi bar.

Later that night, we went to a swinger party at the Host’s house. I’d double checked with him beforehand to make sure it wouldn’t be awkward for me to show up with another guy and he said that was no problem. He said never to worry about stuff like that with him.

What’s kind of funny is that I didn’t end up playing with anyone, even though the Host and one of the cousins I have fucked a few times, were both there. The Cohort and I only played with each other, on a cot in a back room. We’d talked beforehand and he’d told me he assumed I’d play and that it would be okay.

The Host, at one point, came up to me, and another woman and asked if we were ready to pop things off with some group sex. We both kind of shrugged and were like “sure” but then he says “no, you can’t, your man couldn’t handle it”. I was like “he says he can” and he looked at me and shook his head.

He said “no, he can’t. I see the way he looks at you. Trust me. He can’t handle it. That’s your man.” He was being serious and acting as though he was actually concerned about the Cohort’s feelings. He said something similar a second time and another woman who was there questioned him. She was like “don’t you think he can make that decision for himself?” But the Host said he could tell.

I’m not really sure what he saw that made him say that. I’m curious though. I think he may be right, honestly, and I’m kind of afraid of that. I really like this guy and the last thing I want to do is mess it all up by fucking someone else and having him see me in a different light. I think that’s why I’ve been holding back at parties lately. Heck, I’ve been holding back pretty much everywhere. I haven’t slept with anyone else in over 3 weeks.

I know its OKAY for me to do and I haven’t made any promises otherwise. I know HE has still been fucking this married woman and looking around on Craigslist. Still, I’ve kind of been shutting out other men.

Part of it I think is just natural (for me) when I’m falling for someone. My focus is really more in one place and the other men in my life start to get neglected. I was kind of like that with the Professor too. I sort of had to MAKE myself fuck other people.

I’m not as sure in this case that I want to do that. Part of me is going well yeah, duh, you need to fuck other people because he is and otherwise you are really going to get hurt! On the other hand though, I’m really happy with him (plus we’ve been having a TON of sex, lol) and other guys are starting to seem less appealing.

Not all of them…Mr Firm is still very appealing to me, lol, and I would fuck him in a heartbeat, but he’s kind of exceptional. He still is a little further away though and our schedules haven’t meshed.

Of course, the Host did whisper in my ear when he hugged me goodbye that he’d like to meet up later in the week. When he texted I was unable to make it but he’s since been looking at my swinger profile and I think winked at me (I’m not a paid member so cant say for sure but I suspect it was him). I’m not going to say I wouldn’t fuck him, at some point I probably would.

The Married Man still texts me almost every weekday wanting to have sex. We haven’t for a long time though. Mainly because he doesn’t seem to want to get a hotel and is always suggesting his house (like first thing in the morning when I’m barely out of bed) or a freaking parking garage. I’m kind of like meh….maybe not. Even though I know the sex would be great….well, maybe not in a parking garage, it’s hard to say. One thing I will say about that man though, is he is persistent! LOL We will see…

The Pilot showed up the other day. Long story short, he’d kind of pissed me off again. He had promised to pay babysitting when we were going out the last time and didn’t. So he shows up, like 6 weeks later, saying he hasn’t forgotten, and paid me double. Hmmm…. He took me out to brunch at the IHOP too. I am pretty sure he was hinting at sex afterwards but he didn’t come out and say it outright and ended up taking me home. I haven’t heard from him since then but I am sure I will again.

The Poly guy…..I think that may be coming to an end. I’m just not feeling him or the whole situation. He’s not really coming through as a Sugar Daddy either and that’s the part I was liking the best. Boooo!

Soooo… back to the Cohort. In addition to working for him, he’s been paying me to cook him meals a couple of times a week. Of course that virtually always turns into a long sex session. On top of that we’ve been doing other things, taking walks together, meeting for lunch near his work, going out, hanging out on the couch to watch movies, you name it.

I let him make all the plans and do the calling to get together. I don’t want to push ANYTHING but it has been kind of “couply”. Oh, and the other day over lunch he tells me he needs to have a baby! He made a comment about how he is getting older (he’s 35) and I’m like you still have plenty of time. He said he does but not so much the women he’s with.

He later commented that he was probably going to end up getting some hood rat pregnant, or maybe a girl from (mytown). Hmmm…. Did I mention he has cum in me a few times? He acted like it was by accident, but he didn’t apologize. He only said “sorry for yelling in your ear,” lmao ;). I’m not pregnant, I’m on my period right now, but I have to admit a part of me would be happy, if it was with him.

Maybe that’s another reason I’ve been less likely to fuck around as of late. Because if anything did happen like that, I’d know for damn sure whose it was. The other guys I’ve been with more recently have been wearing condoms too, or like the Host, has a vasectomy.

The Married woman that the Cohort sleeps with has been getting a little jealous. She commented to him that I am going to think he wants something serious with the way he has been treating me. He told me this and I’m like why is it any of her effing business? I asked if he was going to let her dictate what we do together and he said of course not and that he agrees she is probably upset because he doesn’t take her out with his friends or do couple things with her.

She has a point, I guess, even though I find her sticking her nose into whatever we are doing annoying. He DOES kind of treat me like he wants more, even though he claimed to be unsure about the whole thing. So I’m still a bit confused. I’m trying not to hope too much or expect ANYTHING, though my sister was telling me recently that her current boyfriend (they are about to move in together and he’s taken on the Daddy role with her kids) kept saying in the beginning that he didn’t know if he could handle a relationship because of the kids either. Still, he said he didn’t know if he could handle it, and that very well may be the truth.

In the meantime, we are having a lot of fun so I don’t want to let worrying about that ruin it all. He did make a comment, asking if it was “bad” that he is “flattered” that I haven’t been playing around that made me kind of wonder if he really would rather I didn’t. Still, no promises. I tried to clarify with him whether or not he wants me to TELL him when I fuck around and he was vague so I am taking that as a no! If he asked, though, I wouldn’t want to lie.

He tells me a lot, about what he is doing with other women or if he’s put up a Craigslist ad or something, but I’m not sure it’s everything. I don’t mind and really, with him, kind of prefer to know. I feel better that he’s so open about things, no surprises. So far I’ve been able to handle it pretty well, so I guess that’s a good thing.

I guess time will tell if the Host was right about him…if I ever get to fucking around again! Kidding, I know I will eventually, there’s no promise of commitment, plus I honestly don’t think either of us is the type that would want to keep THAT up long term even if we DID get in a “relationship”. He’s admitted, on his end that his “monogamous” relationships always ended because of him cheating and I know that I would get restless after awhile too. At this point in my life I think I can admit that.

Red flags and other tidbits

warning

 

I just got back from dinner with the man I recently referred to as Mr. Shady. It ended because his girlfriend called, angry, and he had to take me home, in order to go argue with her. Nice. LOL I’m just glad I didn’t go back to his house first and end up with a surprise visit!

This is the guy I went to an art walk with once, and saw one other time. I’m not that physically attracted to him and I didn’t want to kiss him. I discovered WHY later, when I saw a can of Skoal on his coffee table and asked about it. Yuck!

Anyway, I called him “shady” because he is just that. The things he tells me are sometimes crazy off the wall. The more I hear, the more I wonder about him overall.

I mean sometimes its little things, like the way he told me he was “forging papers” at work like it was nothing, or the fact that he claims to have “stolen” the cable in his apartment. Other times its his “jokes” about how he only has 4 kids that he “knows of” or about how he wants to eat cake batter out of my pussy (what?). Even tonight at dinner, he was pretending he was going to pocket the silverware from the restaurant. Who does that, when they are almost 40? SMFH…

Then there was the story he told me, about some escort he knows, who supposedly got tied up, dunked in a toilet and anal raped, then severely beat up, by a famous football player (he didn’t give names). Later he mentioned wanting to tie ME up. I wasn’t feeling that, for some reason, after the horror story.

He asked me the other day if I wanted to be in a relationship with him and I told him no, I’m not ready to be tied down. He said he wouldn’t mind if I fucked other people, that he has dated escorts and strippers and it doesn’t bother him at all. Still, I wasn’t interested.

I’m really not all that interested in him at all, so why am I even talking to him? I don’t know…I guess its because he’s really incredibly good at going down on me and wasn’t too bad in bed either. There were things I liked and he is at the least, entertaining. He’s persistent too, and flatters me a lot.

After tonight though, I just don’t know. He told me a story about how his ex wife tried to run him over with a car. He said he jumped on the hood and she drove for a minute then slammed on the brakes, throwing him. He showed me the scar on the back of his head where he says it was split open. According to him, she then started yelling at him that she wished they had never had a baby together, because now her child was “half ni**er”. Its hard for me to picture someone actually saying that but he claims that is why he then punched her and broke her nose. He said he knows he was wrong but that he lost it and had to pay her thousands in damages as well as go to domestic violence counseling.

Wow. What do you say to that? IDK. It’s made me even more leery to be spending time with him, even if it’s just for sex. Not sure what I am going to do now. He wants to meet with me in a couple of days. What with the crazy stories and the current angry girlfriend though… yeah, this could be bad news. Did I mention we drove past a lake and he made some comment about how he had heard it was full of dead bodies? Uhhh.. really?

I’m not even sure how I am going to end things. This guy calls a lot on the phone and he even knows where I live. I suppose I could block him and just stop answering calls and texts. I may have to do that.

Okay, enough about him. Lets get to some of my better stories, like the one about the Cohort meeting someone I’ve had sex with, at a gangbang party on the lake.

Let me just say first, that I am genuinely liking the Cohort quite a bit. He has a great personality and is a lot of fun. I’m also working for HIM too now, in addition to the Married Man. He’s got a little Ebay store, besides his regular job, that he has me helping with.

I’m actually enjoying it. He’s a bit of a perfectionist, but so am I, and we seem to be working well together. He likes my input and ideas and thinks I can actually help him make quite a bit more money, plus its beneficial to me and pays more than what I am doing for the Married Man. Not quitting on him yet though. 😉

Actually, since I’ve been working for the Married Man, I’ve discovered I like him more than I thought I would as a person. He’s actually kinda sweet, though when he last came over to deliver a paycheck, he looked like he wanted to eat me for breakfast! 😉 We haven’t been able to have sex since the kitchen table incident, but I am sure we will soon. Its definitely not for lack of desire.

For awhile, he was texting me, like clockwork, around midnight every night. I think the fantasy was there, but something was holding it back from actually turning into a booty call.

The Cohort seems to like me a fair amount too. Like, the other day, he was at a strip club and texting me how he wished it was me there, riding him. I was like, I cannot believe this guy is texting me while he is getting a lap dance! LOL THEN, he texts me while he is at a gangbang!

He said he and one of the other guys were talking, and my name came up. Turns out it was another one of my playmates. I’m like oh crap, which one is he talking about??

At first, I thought maybe it was Mr. Firm. I know he knows this couple and that wouldn’t bother me so much. But then I was thinking, it could be any number of guys. I knew it wasn’t the Host (even though I’ve seen him fucking this woman before) because the Cohort saw him at the party we attended together, and he didn’t know this guy’s name.

As a quick aside, the Host and I had a little booty call the other day and I made him cum from a blow job, he says for the first time in his life. So, I did it again a few minutes later ;). I also questioned him a bit more on his behavior towards me at that party and he again said I was ignoring him. He said he talked to the Cohort in the bathroom, and from what he was telling me it made it sound like he (Mr Host) was being a bit of a jerk. Sigh.

He claims the Cohort told him he’d “heard about him” and that he thought it was something bad. Come on! All he knew, was that virtually everyone at the party that I knew, mentioned that they had met me, at the Host’s house. The way he made it sound, was like the Cohort said that to him, and he blew him off and walked away. How rude. Ugh.

Okay, so back to this gangbang. They are gangbanging some woman and somehow my name came up (???) He said the guy was military. Well that narrows it down…. a little…

Finally I got a name. Yep. It was Mr. Military himself. Oh Lord. I’ve been trying to avoid him. I thought moving away would be good enough but he’s actually contacted me several times since then, wanting to come by and visit and saying he misses me, that I always made him feel great and he loved my smile. He even referred to me once as “innocent” (wth?)

I had felt kind of bad putting him off, but apparently his little talk with the Cohort was enough to stop all communication. I haven’t heard from him since. The Cohort says he wasn’t trying to “stake his claim” or anything, but that he let everyone know, in no uncertain terms, that we had been hanging out and that there would be more to come in the future. Hmmmm….

I’m actually glad and the Cohort really doesn’t appear to be the jealous type or anything. I think he just means we are going to continue to see each other, which is totally cool with me. He knows I fuck different guys, like my other boss, and Mr. Poly, though he doesn’t know about allll of them.

Speaking of Mr. Poly…wow, if I’ve ever had a real Sugar Daddy, this might be it, haha. Or at least close to it! He’s currently having the a/c in my van looked at and possibly even paying to fix it (we will see). Meanwhile, I get to drive his SUV!!

He’s also paying for his girlfriend and I to take pole dance classes together. I’ve been wanting to join this gym up here since I moved here and just didn’t have the money. When I mentioned it he was eager to pay for us both to get started. They also have stuff like Zumba and what they call “Urban Yoga” which I guess is like yoga moves to less relaxing music (50 Cent? LOL I guess I’ll find out).

On top of that, he went out the next day and bought a pole!! He had it set up in an empty room at the girlfriend’s house (that he owns). Then he had his people (I guess they are maintenance people, that’s what he calls them) paint the room and add disco lights to the ceilings and wire speakers into it as well. Now we have a fun place to practice and I’m sure he will want a private dance. He’s gonna put a couch in there too! Woohoo!!

I still don’t really know what this guy does for a living. He did say he was actually going to BUY one of the clubs that we went to a couple of weeks ago, but they wouldn’t sell it, and he is supposedly buying the auto shop where my van is getting looked at too. He says he has a couple of limos. He’s got people working to install internet in places and also works with the electric companies and casinos. That and he carries a gun with him all the time, supposedly because of some of the areas he has to work in. Who knows? I’m just happy to be getting the little side “benefits” lol.

The girlfriend seems to be warming up to me. I’ve been pretty nice to HER and I think she wants someone to hang out with. Still, I don’t think either of us is interested in fucking the other. Mr. Poly is nice and not bad looking, but I’m not probably as interested in him as he is in me either. The sex isn’t BAD or anything but its mediocre. Still, its all a fun diversion, and like I’ve said before, having a Sugar Daddy has always been a bit of a fantasy scenario.

So folks, thats a wrap for tonight. Hope all is well with all of you!!

Men and Madonna/Whore

halfangel
In preparation for my big move, I decided to switch the zip code and city name on each of my online profiles.  This has already resulted in quite a few new men writing me emails.  It was exciting for a minute, but what with trying to pack and the ten million things I need to get done, it’s getting to be a little much.  Perhaps I should have waited.

Anyhoo, I can hardly keep up, but there have already been a couple of interesting prospects.  One of the men called me on the phone today.  I’m so glad he did, because it helped me to realize I will NEVER be interested in this guy, despite a decent profile and good looks. 

He’s some kind of bodybuilder, or so he felt the need to tell me at least 3 or 4 times, and the pics would seem to back that up.  He also claimed to be an architect and a personal trainer, that makes upwards of 80,000 per year.  Whatever.  I’m pretty sure he’s full of shit, lol..

Throughout the course of the conversation, he told me that:

A. He wants to get me pregnant (WTF, why do I keep coming across this with men??) He said not to worry, he had every plan of taking care of “his child”.  (::: blink, blink :::::)

B. That he lives with a “much older” woman because she and her husband split up and she needed someone to “protect” her from him, but that they have a huge house, and both do their “own thing”.  (Yeah, nice way to try and cover up that she is your sugar Mommy, lmao).  Seriously though, there is nothing attractive about a 40 something man that needs to be taken care of like a child.

C.  Tried to tell me he was 21, then switched it to “between 40 and 45”.  Dude, I don’t want a 21 year old guy.  How is this even supposed to make him more attractive??  I’m 37.  I like men that are a little more mature.

D.  Told me he is a “sex addict”, then proceeded to tell me a story about some woman he went on a date with, but wouldn’t have sex with her, because she seemed to be giving it away “too easily”.  (:::: GAG ::::) 

E.  Asked me if I had stretch marks and said that he hoped my stomach wasn’t “all torn up” from having kids.  Nice.  Yeah, now I absolutely NEVER want to get naked in front of this guy.  I mean, that is the part of my body I am probably the most insecure about.  Why the hell would you say something like that to a mom, before you have even met? SMFH

F. Told me that normally women are the ones who hit HIM up on OKCupid (where we met) but that he saw something, he couldn’t figure out what it was, that was attractive about me.  EYEROLL.  I know damn well women aren’t hitting him up left and right on the dating sites (I did just experiment with this after all, haha).  Plus, this stuff about not knowing what he found attractive about me was almost offensive.

G.  Claimed he was a personal trainer at a particular gym.  My former brother in law is also a personal trainer, I think at that same gym, so I commented on that and he quickly switched it to a gym with the same name in a different (suburb) city.  Then he said that actually, he doesn’t work for the gym itself, but brings in people he trains and just does it there, and that he is helping the gym indirectly that way.  Mmmkay…

H.  Went on about how he needed a woman to be faithful to him, right after telling me that his ex used to want him to have threesomes with her and her girlfriends all the time.  UGH…

Do I need to go through the entire alphabet here?  Haha….I feel like I could, but in any case, no way Jose, am I messing with this guy.

I’ve come across some other interesting (and more promising) men on there, but I want to use this,  to make a point about men and their Madonna/Whore complexes.  It’s one of those things that just perplexes and drives me absolutely crazy with annoyance at the male species.  I DETEST the whole Madonna/whore dichotomy, as I wrote about in On Being a Slut. Kdaddy also recently wrote a blog on the topic, that got me thinking, and wanting to contribute my two cents.

Then I got another email on OKCupid, and it isn’t the only or first guy who has asked me this:  “Do you REALLY want casual sex?”  Apparently, when I first signed up for the site, ONE of the boxes I checked was for “casual sex”.  I think I clicked on that as WELL as, long or short term relationships, dating, and a handful of choices that were available as for what I was looking for at the time. 

The “casual sex” thing though, it gets guys every time.  I don’t mean “gets” them in the sense that they want to fuck, though that is often the case, but gets them all freaked out!!  Apparently, for many men, it is just UNTHINKABLE, that a girl like me, might have deliberately checked the CASUAL SEX button.  OMG!

This guy was unique because he actually bothered to follow it up with another email, when I ignored him. That let me know I was indeed correct, in assuming that he meant it as a negative judgement, rather than his wanting sex with me. 

Here is his second email:  “Actually after reading your answers to the questions on here, I guess maybe you are looking for that. I was trying to be helpful because it automatically marks all the options when you first sign up.”  Gee, thanks for the “help”. 

Shame, shame on me for wanting casual sex.  Once a guy wrote me a big long letter explaining why it wasn’t okay for women to seek out casual sex and that no man would want me if I gave it away so easily.  Thanks.  I so needed a lecture from a random guy on a dating site about how I should conduct my sex life. One thing is for sure, that attitude is not helping the guy get a date, at least from me!!

I’ve always been honestly puzzled and disturbed that so many men split women into the two categories of Madonna/Whore.  I find it very difficult to understand why a woman’s past sexual experiences would be such a bad thing.  If anything, experience helps a woman to learn what she likes in bed and better communicate it to you.

I’ve never been able to quite comprehend how men can have sex with women they consider “whores,” then disrespect them for doing so.  Yet, its common.  Extremely, extremely common for men to sleep around all they want and only settle down with someone who is sexually inexperienced, that they see as more worthy of love.

On some level, I know this is because men see sexual promiscuity as a threat.  If they dare to let down their guard and love a woman who sleeps around, then she might leave them for another guy.  I do understand this, to an extent, it’s just like, come on guys, don’t you have any more confidence than that? 

They trust themselves, to sleep around with many women, but always come back to the woman they fell in love with, or married.  At least many do, yet they can’t trust women to do the same.  I wonder why? 

What bugs me the most is that men do this splitting thing where they won’t be affectionate with a woman they consider a slut.  They treat her as though she is less deserving of sweetness and romance.  Is this some kind of repressed anger? 

Sometimes it goes so far as the guy shaming a woman he DOES have feelings for because of her sexual desires WITH HIM.  I’ve been on the receiving end of this plenty of times and it just leaves me sort of speechless.  You don’t want me to be too sexual WITH YOU?  WTF? 

They won’t usually ADMIT this but it happens a lot.  Quite often the same guy claims to want a “lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets”.  Yet when the rubber meets the road, this is a threat to him and he doesn’t really want that.  She has to fit one or the other mold in his head.

The whole thing bothers me so much because I LOVE being able to give and receive love and affection with a man.  I also LOVE sex.  Finding someone who is cool enough to allow me to do BOTH of those things is like looking for a needle in a haystack. 

It’s like every guy I meet wants me either to be his girlfriend and lack sexual desire, (unless of course its for other women, to bring back to him) or he finds out I want to have lots of sex and doesn’t want to talk or have an emotional connection with me.  I don’t like being pigeonholed into either of those boxes. 

This makes it very hard for me on dating sites.  If I meet guys on a “vanilla” site, there never seems to be an appropriate time to admit I like sex and going to swinger parties.  Many times they just “assume” I want monogamy and that can be frustrating.  When I try to hint at more, then they are like oh, she just wants a fuck buddy, and out goes the possibility of anything special.

Yet, meeting men on a swinger site, they just assume you are all out for the sex and act like its crazy for anyone on there to seek out a relationship.  Well, not totally, because as you have seen if you read my blog regularly, they often want ME to stop sleeping around and just help them get some. :p  They want a one-sided relationship, where you are committed to them, but not vice- versa, like every other guy out there, lol.

What I really want, is a man who can handle me, as is, that I don’t have to pretend with.  Or…several of them.  (Ha) Okay, not really, because when I fall for someone I do tend to have a one track mind.  Not necessarily sexually, but emotionally.  Sometimes it’s sexually too, but eventually my curiosity gets the best of me.  I still think it would be fun to play together, and probably separately as well.

I think something like what Mr. Firm has, sounds ideal.  His girlfriend has it made!  He’s one of the few men I’ve met who seems to be lacking Madonna/whore issues.  I’m still marveling that he hasn’t seemed to change his attitude or level of affection for me after reading my blog.  I’m pretty impressed! 

So I know, if he is like that, there have to be other men out there the same way.  Just not enough of them, lol.  Or, more likely, they just aren’t single!  :p 

Maybe, I’m guilty of wanting to have my cake and eat it too.  But what is the point of having a cake if you aren’t going to eat it?  I’ve never understood that either….;)

“I’m not like those other guys who just want sex…”

cuddling

I had a pretty chill Valentines Day this year. Mostly spent it with my kids but I was happy to hear from all the current guys from my life. Even Mr. Firm, who was off on a little romantic getaway with his girlfriend, remembered to text me, which put a smile on my face. It definitely helped combat the single-girl blues to know that there are a few guys who cared enough to say something. 🙂

The roads were finally clear enough for me to head to the city this weekend.  I had some business to do up there and the Host said I could stay overnight with him.  He said he had planned to go to to some swinger parties in another city and had three different couples lined up where he was supposed to have sex with the wife, but cancelled because of me. 

He claimed he would rather spend time with me and that we could go to some swinger parties.  He had reserved a hotel at one, then later decided we would go to two and “network” with some of the club owners in the area that he had spoken with.  They are working with him to help promote some of his parties.  He hopes to eventually open a club.

I got to his house around 8 pm and got ready to go out.  He stopped at the liquor store on the way and grabbed a couple bottles of wine.  He also brought along a couple of bottles of water, or so I thought, until I tried to take a drink out of one of them at the party and discovered it was vodka, lol.  I wasn’t the only one who made that mistake. 😉

Beforehand, he warned me that we were only going to spend a couple of hours at the first party, then we’d be going to a second.  He’d cancelled the hotel reservation and said if we brought anyone home it would be the club owners. 

The first party was the hotel one I once went to with Mr. Motorcycle.  It wasn’t near as packed as it had been the first time, but I did recognize a couple of familiar faces.  We put our coats and things down at a table with a couple of people. A woman I’ve met before came up to chat with me, while Mr. Host wandered off and was talking to people across the room.

When the woman left I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself.  I politely talked with the women sitting at the table for a minute but that was pretty boring.  Mr. Host seemed occupied, socializing, and I didn’t want to stand there looking like a dork.  I knew I didn’t want to be stuck at a table the whole time, like I was when I went to that party with Mr. Motorcycle, though.

Mr. Firm and I had actually talked about some of this beforehand and he had given me some advice.  He’d said to make sure and talk to the Host beforehand about boundaries and expectations, but I’d completely forgotten to do that (oops).  He also recommended getting a key to the hotel room myself if we got one (we didn’t) and that if he ignored me, not to just sit there but get up and do my own thing. 

I didn’t really know a lot of people there but I figured if I got up and walked around probably someone would say something to me.  So I went into the kitchen, where they had some hors d’oeurves. I was accosted by single guys who were standing around the food. 

One of the guys was the friend of the Pilot’s, whom he’d tried to get me to stay in a hotel room with, before our big blowout.  This guy had also danced with me at another party when I was with Mr. Motorcycle, but Mr. Motorcycle had wanted me to himself. He said his girlfriend was not with him this time, but that they were still really interested in getting together with me.  I already knew this because they had sent me a few emails, plus the Pilot had asked if I wanted them to have my number.  I’d told him no and not been answering them.

Anyhow, I was kind of trying to extract myself from the guy, when Mr. Host walked in and pulled me out, to introduce me to some people.  He was still following close on our heels and Mr. Host sort of gave him a look and he backed off.  We then went to talk with club owners. 

Mr. Host left me with them for a bit and was off doing his own thing across the room again.  So these good looking, white guys, who were visiting from Germany, approached me and we got into a long conversation.  They said they worked for the government and were American citizens but had been in Germany for 13 years and were only here for a few weeks on business.  They were telling me all about the swinger scene in Germany and I was pretty fascinated. 

They said they would love to have a threesome with me and that they had a big suite reserved at the hotel.  I told them I was here with someone and they asked who, so I pointed him out.  They said they were having a bunch of people over later to their room, including this couple nearby that they pointed out (very pretty woman and reasonably attractive man) and that he and I were both welcome to join them. 

After we’d been talking for a bit I notice that Mr. Host and some other guy are standing not too far away, watching us.  The other guy that had been trying to talk to me was standing not too far on the other side, watching us as well.  The German guys were like, “I see you have a fan club” …lmao.

So then Mr. Host walks right up between the guys and tells them that I am going to come with him for a minute and pulls me out to the dance floor.  I told him that the guys invited us to come back to their room later with a bunch of people and he says they aren’t even on the swinger site and just showed up here at the party.  We danced for a bit and then he was like “okay, now you can go back and talk to them again”.

I did for a bit but they didn’t mention coming back to their room again.  I was talking a bit with Mr. Host and some other people and this one black girl I have seen at some other parties (her husband is white) asks me if I know how to dance.  I was like “mmm..” and did a “so-so” motion with my hand so Mr. Host laughs and asks me to dance with him again.  Then afterwards the black girl pulled me out with her on the dance floor and said “quit lyin, I see you on that beat”.   We were playing around dancing for awhile and she later emailed me and wants to keep in touch.

I danced a little more with the Host but we didn’t spend a ton of time together.  He was teasing me about how I’d get my “30 seconds” (of sex) with him later and I’m saying “yeah right” but hoping he’s really joking, hahaha.  Because lord knows, I’ve had that experience a few too many times. 😉  He was also acting wild and crazy on the dance floor with this one black woman, who was down on her hands with her ass in the air and he is simulating like he is fucking her/at a rodeo and everyone is laughing at them. 

Mr. Host at some point told me that the D.J. at the party had seen and was asking about me.  He said “this guy really likes you”.  Sure enough, Mr. D.J. (a skinny white guy with a bunch of tattoos) was wanting to talk to me and telling me how gorgeous he thought I was and how he isn’t like the other guys and just here for sex.  Um, okay.

The Pilot’s friend found me again and said he saw me talking to the white guys and was going to “rescue” me because he knows my “flavor is not vanilla” but that he had decided to let me “flounder” for a bit.  Whatever, lol.  Then he wanted me to talk with him in a back room, beside the kitchen. 

He pulls me over there and tells me that he and his girlfriend really like me and that his girlfriend had told him that of all the women she’s seen at the parties I am the only one she would consider doing a bi thing with.  She doesn’t normally go for women, he said, but thought that I had “kind eyes”.  Then he goes on to tell me all about how he is “not like the other guys” and “just here for sex” (gosh, we’ve never heard that one before, now have we?  lmao).  He was like telling me all this stuff about how his girlfriend said he could find a girlfriend for himself and that he would like to help me move into my new house when I come to town and take my kids to air shows and it was like ooookay…hahaha

Mr. Host finally texted the guy and said that if I am with him, he is leaving the party.  So I hightailed it out of there, got my stuff and left with him to the next place.  While he was pulling up his truck for me, I was standing in the lobby talking to this woman who said she was there with some guy while his wife was with her “sub” because she is a dominatrix.  You meet the most interesting people in the lifestyle, lol.

I’m going to cut this short here and finish the rest of the story (the more exciting parts) later so it doesn’t get too long. 😉  Don’t worry, there is more to come.  I just think its hilarious that all these people at swinger parties try to act like they aren’t in it for the sex.  Mr. Host told me the EXACT SAME THING when we first met but when I brought it up on the drive to the next party, he pretended to think it was crazy that anyone would say that if they are in the lifestyle.  Oh yeah, and he was also “not like the other guys”….yeaaahh…neither is the guy I saw at the last swinger party, who found me on Plenty of Fish. Or so says his profile 😉

Thankful for my Mr. Firm!! :D

the perfect man

I hope you all had as great of a Thanksgiving as I did!  I love being able to see my family on the holidays plus was extra thankful this time to get to see Mr. Firm!  He lives 30 minutes away from where I was visiting and we were able to make it work on a whim.  He drove up shortly before he was set to leave out of state himself and got a cheap motel. 

MMMmmmm….he is SO GOOD in bed!!  He’s right up there with the Professor, maybe even better, though without the same emotional component. Skill wise he may be the closest I’ve ever had to the married man, and since he’s apparently gone, I’m VERY thankful Mr. Firm is still around!! 

I don’t mean to imply the sex isn’t emotional, because it is, I just know where the boundaries lie and it stops outside the bedroom.  He’s got a regular relationship and seems very skilled at maintaining that while still being awesome with me.  I love it.  I wish every guy could be like that.  It would make the whole open relationship thing go a lot more smoothly.

Mr. Firm has been really cool.  He’s extremely low drama and unlike other men who say they “don’t do drama” he seems to really mean it, lol.  I asked if he’s ever had trouble with that in the lifestyle and he said once with a married woman who was crossing inappropriate boundaries but that he “shut that shit down real quick”.  He says that one of the reasons he likes sleeping with married women in the swinging lifestyle is that if they get out of hand he can just tell their husband’s to come and get them.  Haha…

Anyhow, he’s been doing this for years and I am really appreciating his wisdom and advice regarding some of my recent incidents with men.  He’s very good at detecting bullshit and pointing out inconsistencies in people’s stories.  I’m sure his working at a law firm helps with that!!  LOL  Plus he doesn’t get jealous and I feel like I can trust him to be real with me, rather than just try to elbow out the other guys.

If he wasn’t already in a relationship I think I would totally fall for him.  Yet he is, and because of his attitude towards that and towards me and because he doesn’t lead me on I can respect that.  We have amazing sex and he says I fuck him just the way he needs.  I was like ” I wish it could be more often, but I’ll take what I can get ” and he said him too, but that it makes him appreciate me even more. 🙂

I’m not sure I would have been able to get rid of Mr. Motorcycle without his support.  I told him all the stuff that had happened and he sat there and pointed out each obvious lie that Mr. Motorcycle tried to confuse me with and each way he had tried to manipulate me, from promising gifts to telling me that he’d spent the whole weekend trying to tell me he was “falling in love” with me when he was called out on his repeated disappearances.  Then he claimed he was manscaping “for the first time” in the hotel.  Mr. Firm said it doesn’t take that long to manscape anyhow and I found pictures he had sent me before we even met where he was totally shaven.  Eyeroll…

Basically what Mr. Firm did was put words to all those nagging feelings and red flags I had been seeing.  He voiced that he seemed like he was trying to control me and that he’d come across men like that before and it never ends well.  I knew he was right of course but on my own have a tendency to be too nice and wait it out until someone does something really awful before cutting them off.  He predicted the way he would act afterwards correctly but kept encouraging me not to fall for any of it.  He was like you are really NICE and I love that about you but some people will take advantage of that and really try to get you to bend (which I have found to be very true). So far I’ve been holding strong and believe me Mr. Motorcycle is still trying.  He even sent me some weird picture for Thanksgiving, that looks like two dragons kissing in the shape of a heart in the sky.  WTF?

Then when this situation came up with the Referee he was totally awesome.  I told him all the facts of what happened and he helped me pick it apart.  Even better was that I got an apology letter during the time he and I were talking, from the couple that the Referee had ditched me for.  I sent it to him and he pointed out several obvious lies and differences from what the Referee had told me.  I could see a lot of them for myself but it helps to have someone else letting you know you aren’t just being a bitch!

Here is the letter, supposedly written by the female half of the couple and sent to me on the swinger site via email:

hey there sexy girl I wanted to apologize for Saturday night for me cussing at you that was inappropriate and that is not like me to do that . I was irritated with my boyfriend for getting very drunk and I was the one having to drive home and a neighborhood and an area that I am not familiar with . we did not even know that (the Referee) was going to be in town until that afternoon we were out having drinks and he met up with us we didn’t even see him until about 5 o’clock that day we were unaware of any plans that he had to meet up with you . so he was not with us Friday night or at all saturday day . so I hope you accept my apology and hopefully we can see each other again sometime . :

 

It ended with a “kiss”.  At first reading I was even a tad skeptical.  I mean, how is this woman who I never met other than her cussing me out going to start out calling me “sexy girl”?  Even more telling though was “her” comment that they did not know the Referee would be in town until 5 pm.   That’s kind of hard to claim when I have texts from him at 10:30 am saying they had invited us to stay the night at their place. 

Not to mention little things like who spends 3 hours at dinner at a restaurant?  And the Referee told me that evening all he had eaten all day was “6 pieces of shrimp”.  That’s a long ass time to be sitting there not eating food.  As Mr. Firm pointed out, it wasn’t hard to find their way around the neighborhood either.  Three adults in the car, three gps’s on their phones, and they managed to get “lost” for over an hour after the party?  Give me a break!!  I live out of town and had absolutely no trouble.  This isn’t in a confusing neighborhood, it’s right off a main road.

Also, they bring up Friday night and early Saturday.  I never asked or implied that he was with them then.  The only reason I think they might think I would care is because he told me that morning he had told them I was his “girlfriend”.  No, I was simply pissed at being stood up outside the hotel.  I was lucky I even got into the room.

Also, the Referee claimed that he and the “husband” (who I guess was a boyfriend) were together at the restaurant and that the wife didn’t show up until later.  He said that she showed up at the last minute.  The Referee also said he had ridden with this couple in their car because he didn’t want to drive his vehicle if he had been drinking.  Yet I am supposed to believe he got in a car with people who had been drinking for 3 hours prior to going to the party? 

There were just so many other little details but I don’t have time to type it all out.  The library closes in 8 minutes and my laptop is sent away to be fixed again.  In any case, I am glad to be rid of the Referee.  He is so full of shit it’s not even funny.  He had the nerve to text me a Happy Thanksgiving too and I simply ignored it.

Mr. Firm and I think most likely what happened was that the Referee was trying to help out the boyfriend of this couple, or at least pretending to, by making him think he had a chance at sleeping with ME.  So that he could get to fuck both me and the female half of this couple in one night.

The sad part is, if he’d not been such an ass he probably quite easily could have.  He could have shown up at the hotel on time, taken me to the party as planned, and after a little drinking and socializing it is very likely the female half of the couple and I would BOTH have been likely to sleep with him there, or he could have even just slept with HER while I was off having fun and gone back to the hotel with me later as planned.  Seems like he went way out of his way to make things more complicated than they should have been. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pissed at the Producer

Well folks, it looks like things have come to a halt with the Producer.  I was flaming mad for a few days and have finally calmed down a little bit.  Spending the night with my fuck buddy last night seemed to help a lot.  Gosh, I’d almost forgotten what a huge dick he has, lol.  It’s super thick, on top of being 9 inches long.  The Producer is always bragging about how thick HIS cock is (and it is) but after being with my fuck buddy again, well, it seems like it’s twice as wide. 

Anyhow, we had a great night, with a few rounds of sex and cuddling up to watch a movie, naked on his couch. As predicted, he went raw with me for the first time.  I don’t doubt that seeing that pic of me and the Producer, that he had gotten mad about because he wasn’t wearing a condom, had something to do with it.  He still wore a condom for the first couple rounds but one broke and we ran out of Magnums and tried to use another one on him that I had but it was tight.  He’s normally a real stickler about condoms, but we decided it would be okay for him to just pull out.  We slept all snuggled up and had more great sex in the morning before I left.  That’s also the first time, in almost a year and a half of seeing each other, that we have spent a full night together.

So back to the Producer.  Remember how great things were going with us?  At least that’s what I thought.  He had kept saying how sprung he was with me, was texting me frequently, calling “just to hear my voice”, seeing me twice a week when he came through, kept talking about how he wanted to take me to Vegas and go to parties that are a few months down the road, bought me roses and took me out on my Birthday, was saying how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and what wonderful sex we have, and had recently met a couple of my kids.  He even bought us go-cart tickets that were like $250 worth of rides.  I was really feeling confident that he was “into” me.

I had gotten sick for a couple of weeks but he was still calling and texting and all seemed well when he took off overseas.  He had been in touch ever since, on Whatsapp, sexting and telling me about his trip. 

So imagine my surprise when he suddenly, out of the blue, messages me on there to drop the bomb.  He’s found a new woman, that he met on Match.com two weeks ago and they are developing “feelings” for each other.  He doesn’t want to drop me however, but to “include” me with the two of them, because “isn’t this crazy” she is bi and believes in an open relationship.

Um, excuse me?  WHAT THE FUCK?!  I was totally blindsided!! I’ve been seeing him for months and I’M the one that needs to be “included” like a little side piece?  Because he is developing feelings that apparently he never had for me?  WOW!!

I was FLOORED!!  OUCH! 😦 😦 😦  He approached it like it was some important thing he had to tell me and was like “I understand if you never want to talk to me again”. I said “so I got sick and you found someone else and now you want me to settle with second place….yeah, fuck off”.  He said okay and a few hours later sent me some bullshit poem about a “Ride or Die Chick”. I told him “go fuck yourself” and he laughed then said okay he would consider himself deleted. 

He said I was being hostile and that he had always treated me with respect and never treated me second class and that he had told this woman all about me.  He said he really talked me up and that he told her how much respect he had for me and my kids and that he had to include me in his life.  He added that we had always “gone beyond the friends situation” and that he wanted to continue to do so.

I told him there was nothing respectful about asking me to take a backseat because he fell in love with someone and to please never contact me again.  He started getting mad and said I was acting like a bitch.  He commented that I have all these men “on the side” so what am I talking about?  I was like “whatever, I never asked you to take a backseat to anyone, I don’t treat people that way.  I’ve also never called you out of your name.  I’m done, goodbye and good riddance”. 

He responded by telling me it was my fucking loss, that I am wack and left a voice message again saying I was acting like a bitch and telling me to fuck off.  Then he blocked (and later unblocked) me on Whatsapp.  I decided to block him after that and haven’t talked with him since.

My blood was boiling for a few days there.  I mean, he has some fucking NERVE trying to get me to hang around for scraps after he has decided he prefers someone else.  Add that I had told him a little bit about what happened with the married woman and the Professor and it was just adding insult to injury.  Unbelievable.

There is no way in HELL I want to put myself in a position where I am having to compete with another woman like that again.  I didn’t sign up to be the jumpoff.  They can both go jump off a fucking cliff!! 

After calming down a little bit, I can see that if he’d approached me differently I might not have been so upset, but it’s still not a position I want to be in.  Clearly he was envisioning bi threesomes and all kinds of fun, but um, I’ve TOLD him my big fear about threesomes with another woman is being left out.  How the heck would I feel being the unloved one in the group.  NO THANKS! 😦

What’s crazy is the day before he was going on about how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and asking me to rate his sexual performance.  He said he wanted to be my number 1 and how close was he? “Be honest”. I finally said “you’re in the top ten” and he wasn’t satisfied with that.  So I was like well, probably the top 5.  (Reasoning that the Married man, then Mr Firm, then the Professor, followed by a tie between the Pilot and the Fuck Buddy might get him there).  He still wasn’t liking it and I said that wasn’t fair because I don’t ask him to rate me.  So he claimed I am his #1 head giver and #3 otherwise.  I was like “only #3?” and he said that was because there was a 3 way tie and if he ranked alphabetically.  Yeah, whatever…. but I think it’s kind of fucked up that if he likes the sex that much he would try and fuck it up by announcing that he was in love with some bitch he has known for all of TWO WEEKS???  How do you fall “in love” that fast anyway? 

I don’t know but I am kind of in an emotional mess over it.  It seems like the minute I dropped my guard and started to let him in, he turned on me!  That seems to happen far too frequently with men. 😦  Makes me think none of them are trustworthy at all.  It’s like the minute you start to let them know you actually like them they decide it’s time to stick a knife in your back.  Fuck him!  Or rather not, I don’t know that I could ever go there again, I feel so disrespected. He wants to make ME the secondary?  Really?  To some woman he just met??  Isn’t that backwards????  Shouldn’t he be putting ME first? What’s messed up is I thought I was doing everything right, never causing drama, giving great blowjobs, trying to keep it all positive and my reward is getting knocked to the side….nice. 

I am so fucking offended it is hard to get over it.  Thank God for my Fuck Buddy or I think I’d hate all men right now.  He is my lifesaver. 🙂