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Sampling the Continental Platter

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I’ve slept with 7 different guys in the past 2 weeks, though only one was brand new. That doesn’t even count the Married Man, who I haven’t had a chance to fuck lately,or the Host, who hit me up, but I’ve kind of avoided.

I’m starting to wonder if I should slow it down. Not that I mind all the sex, but part of me wonders if this is really okay, or if my sex sprees are unhealthy. Then again, maybe I’m just buying into society’s unfair standards for sexual behavior, especially when it comes to women.

Granted, there were a couple of sexual experiences in there that I didn’t really enjoy. Still I wouldn’t have known that for sure unless I tried them. For example, the Englishman.

I met this guy off the swinger site. He had attractive, professional looking pictures and said something about how he speaks 4 different languages. When he emailed I was already drowning in dick, but I was like this guy is kinda hot, why not?

So I responded, by text, while I was sitting in the shop waiting on my vehicle to be fixed. Then I promptly forgot about it. Mere minutes later, as I was driving, I recieved a call from an unknown number. The caller ID showed a suspicious looking, foreign sounding, name.

When I answered I wasn’t particularly friendly. I was thinking it was probably some Nigerian scam artist. I hadn’t realized from the guy’s pictures that he was not an American. He identified himself and said that he is from England. His accent seemed to prove that. He’d just moved here 7 months ago, supposedly to go to law school.

He was sort of abrupt and didn’t want to beat around the bush. He wanted to meet for sex and I hemmed and hawed for a minute because of his lack of manners or attempts to get to know me first. He said he found me attractive and didn’t I like his pictures and we should get together to fuck.

I commented, “but you haven’t even seen my face yet”. He didn’t think that mattered and just wanted to meet up. I found an excuse to get off the phone and ignored several of his other calls and texts, over the next few days, while I thought about it. I responded to some of them but he was seeming pushy and I don’t like that.

Okay, his pictures were attractive enough. He had a few validations on the site but mostly they just said he was the man in the pictures, or that they had met him at a party. Still, why not? What was holding me back? He was right, he was attractive enough to fuck on a physical level, and then you have the added excitement of someone new and different, from another country, and even with a kind of cool accent.

I decided to go ahead and give it a whirl, but I said I would need to meet him someplace in public first. He wasn’t real thrilled with that but said we could meet at a Starbucks near his house. I got an address from him and put it in the GPS on my phone.

I don’t know why it didn’t register that he probably wouldn’t have the exact street address for Starbucks but I was confused when my GPS took me to an apartment complex instead. Grrrr…. He met me in the parking lot.

I said I thought we were going to Starbucks first and he said oh yeah, we could. Did I want to follow him or could he just ride with me? I’m thinking, this motherfucker does not have a car and this is his little game to get me to give him a ride. So I said I’d rather follow him (to see what he would do). He said, come on, couldn’t I see he was a decent guy?

I begrudginly relented, after a bit of begging, and let him in my van. He didn’t even know where a Starbucks was, but said his roommate told him there was one close by. I put it in my GPS and the closest one was 8 minutes away. He tried to wheedle his way out of going but I wasn’t about to let him get away without at least a $3 drink, after all that.

He paid for our drinks, though I suspect he was less than thrilled about it, and we sat down at a table outside. According to him, he is 33, works as a personal trainer and does a little modeling on the side. When pressed about law school, he claimed he is studying to take the Bar exam online.

He was very proud of the pictures he has on the site and was like “now can you see that is really me?” I was wondering why I would even doubt that. I mean they look professional but what was the big deal? He said he is doing a shoot for GQ in 3 months, in New York, and has to spend a lot of time getting ready.

I mean, okay, I can believe that part, I guess. The pics he has on there do look a bit GQish. My former brother in law works as a personal trainer/model and is poor as hell on his own (though he has a rich boyfriend). He travels to New York for stuff like that too and is in magazines like Men’s Health.

Whatever. I mean I can see that he has features that some of those magazines would appreciate but I know guys I think are hotter that aren’t “models”. His conceit and incessant bragging were annoying too. He asked me if he was my “type,” obviously referring to his looks and I was like uh, I guess, though I don’t really know what your personality is like yet. He couldn’t understand and said I was gorgeous and clearly his type.

I asked about swinger parties he has been to and he claimed he never has. He said he doesn’t need those to get laid and all he has to do is walk into a bar and the women are all over him. He’d only signed up because of a friend telling him about it and wasn’t impressed. I guess he forgot there are people saying they met him at a party, ON his profile!

He claimed he’d just had a threesome a couple of days ago, with two women. They thought he was so hot that they had invited him back to their house. A likely story….

We finished our drinks and he suggested we go back to his place so I could give him a massage. Inwardly, I was rolling my eyes. EVERY single time a guy has suggested starting things off with a massage for HIM, he has turned out to suck in bed. I should have known, and I suspected, but I went along with it anyhow.

Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t that impressed with him. I guess it was because I was already there, he was decent enough looking and I was curious to see how an English guy was in bed? Maybe he would surprise me? Sorry, folks from the UK, but he didn’t represent, lol. You all may have to help him out here…

He had an average looking apartment, which he said he shared with a guy from Israel who wasn’t there at the moment. We went directly back to his room, where he put some music on his notepad and stripped down to his boxer briefs. He lay on the bed and told me it was all mine and I could come and get it.

God, he was so full of himself. Like he thought he was just supposed to lie there and display his dick and I would get all excited about it. Modeling, for me. Yippeeee…..

I had to push him to wear a condom, but he did. He asked if he had the biggest dick I’d ever seen. Uh, yeah, sure, lol. I mean he was bigger than average but nothing I’ve never experienced before.

It was over quickly and somewhere in there he called himself my “boy”. Ack! Afterwards, he wanted to cuddle and tell me that he was thinking about a serious relationship. HELP! I wanted to get out of there sooo badly, lol. He said he was developing feelings and falling for me, even though he wasn’t expecting that.

According to him the sex was incredible. I always wonder about that. Can it really be that great for one person and not the other? I have my doubts.

Come on dude. More like you want a green card. Or a sugar mama, at the very least. NOT gonna happen. WRONG woman, lol. The last thing I want is a “boy”.

I ignored his calls and texts after and thankfully there were only a couple. I was afraid he’d be the stalker type. Whew.

There are more stories to tell but I don’t have time at the moment. Bad sex with the Bodybuilder, who also wants something serious with me, as does the Poly guy (similar experience number two with him and his girlfriend), and the other guy, who I will call Mr. Shady, he claims to want to commit to me too, after he and his girlfriend break up, in a few months. Give me a break!

My commitment issues are going into overdrive. I don’t want ANYBODY tying me down right now!! Did I seriously write something about wanting “more” not too long ago? SMFH…. What was I thinking??

The guys that I am happiest with are mostly taken already. What’s sad is that is sort of a relief for me.

Well, other than the Cohort. When we are together he is making me laugh so hard my sides hurt too. I mean, I could see something more there and he has kind of hinted at it but he already knows what I am up to and is doing his own thing as well, so I don’t think I have to worry about being overly restricted there.

He’s like “you are like a guy when it comes to sex”. LOL I feel that way sometimes too. I don’t think I am masculine in most ways, but sometimes I wonder if my sex drive is abnormal. I’ve always felt like I wanted it just as much, or more than the guys I have been with.

I know there are other women out there in a similar boat, but they seem few and far between. Or maybe they are just covering it up better. I do hear some wild stories about swinger women.

I actually felt kind of prude the other day when a couple of different people were talking about tying me up and I didn’t feel comfortable. I’ve always kind of wanted to try that but I’m paranoid unless its someone I feel safe with and trust. Comparatively, it seems like a lot of these swinger women are doing all kinds of wild and crazy things all the time.

Seems like every time I hear about a swinger woman she’s tied up and having an anal gangbang with complete strangers, while they slap her in the face and call her a bitch. Mr. Firm says that’s just because I only hear the extreme stories and most women aren’t doing that. I guess he would know. 😉 The Cohort says if he ever meets a woman who wants an anal gangbang he is going to pick up the phone and call me right then and there, lol.

So maybe what I’m imagining in my head and comparing myself to, isn’t reality. I still haven’t been tied up or handcuffed, but maybe someday. The Cohort did have me wear a collar during sex the other day, lmao.

I came over and he had two wine glasses sitting on the coffee table for us, each one inside a studded leather collar. One said “slut” and the other said “bitch”. He said “pick one” and I was like oookayyy…I’ll take “slut,” I guess, lol. He said, “I knew it! Everyone picks that one”. “Everyone??” I asked. You have “everyone” that comes over here wear that?? He shook his head at me and said no, not “everyone” but a select few. Haha

I finally put it on though, along with the body stocking he had gotten me off Amazon, that looks like this (I picked it out-its crotchless with cute little bows up the back). He thought it looked hot and we had fun, but no tying up, yet…. 😉

Men and Madonna/Whore

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In preparation for my big move, I decided to switch the zip code and city name on each of my online profiles.  This has already resulted in quite a few new men writing me emails.  It was exciting for a minute, but what with trying to pack and the ten million things I need to get done, it’s getting to be a little much.  Perhaps I should have waited.

Anyhoo, I can hardly keep up, but there have already been a couple of interesting prospects.  One of the men called me on the phone today.  I’m so glad he did, because it helped me to realize I will NEVER be interested in this guy, despite a decent profile and good looks. 

He’s some kind of bodybuilder, or so he felt the need to tell me at least 3 or 4 times, and the pics would seem to back that up.  He also claimed to be an architect and a personal trainer, that makes upwards of 80,000 per year.  Whatever.  I’m pretty sure he’s full of shit, lol..

Throughout the course of the conversation, he told me that:

A. He wants to get me pregnant (WTF, why do I keep coming across this with men??) He said not to worry, he had every plan of taking care of “his child”.  (::: blink, blink :::::)

B. That he lives with a “much older” woman because she and her husband split up and she needed someone to “protect” her from him, but that they have a huge house, and both do their “own thing”.  (Yeah, nice way to try and cover up that she is your sugar Mommy, lmao).  Seriously though, there is nothing attractive about a 40 something man that needs to be taken care of like a child.

C.  Tried to tell me he was 21, then switched it to “between 40 and 45”.  Dude, I don’t want a 21 year old guy.  How is this even supposed to make him more attractive??  I’m 37.  I like men that are a little more mature.

D.  Told me he is a “sex addict”, then proceeded to tell me a story about some woman he went on a date with, but wouldn’t have sex with her, because she seemed to be giving it away “too easily”.  (:::: GAG ::::) 

E.  Asked me if I had stretch marks and said that he hoped my stomach wasn’t “all torn up” from having kids.  Nice.  Yeah, now I absolutely NEVER want to get naked in front of this guy.  I mean, that is the part of my body I am probably the most insecure about.  Why the hell would you say something like that to a mom, before you have even met? SMFH

F. Told me that normally women are the ones who hit HIM up on OKCupid (where we met) but that he saw something, he couldn’t figure out what it was, that was attractive about me.  EYEROLL.  I know damn well women aren’t hitting him up left and right on the dating sites (I did just experiment with this after all, haha).  Plus, this stuff about not knowing what he found attractive about me was almost offensive.

G.  Claimed he was a personal trainer at a particular gym.  My former brother in law is also a personal trainer, I think at that same gym, so I commented on that and he quickly switched it to a gym with the same name in a different (suburb) city.  Then he said that actually, he doesn’t work for the gym itself, but brings in people he trains and just does it there, and that he is helping the gym indirectly that way.  Mmmkay…

H.  Went on about how he needed a woman to be faithful to him, right after telling me that his ex used to want him to have threesomes with her and her girlfriends all the time.  UGH…

Do I need to go through the entire alphabet here?  Haha….I feel like I could, but in any case, no way Jose, am I messing with this guy.

I’ve come across some other interesting (and more promising) men on there, but I want to use this,  to make a point about men and their Madonna/Whore complexes.  It’s one of those things that just perplexes and drives me absolutely crazy with annoyance at the male species.  I DETEST the whole Madonna/whore dichotomy, as I wrote about in On Being a Slut. Kdaddy also recently wrote a blog on the topic, that got me thinking, and wanting to contribute my two cents.

Then I got another email on OKCupid, and it isn’t the only or first guy who has asked me this:  “Do you REALLY want casual sex?”  Apparently, when I first signed up for the site, ONE of the boxes I checked was for “casual sex”.  I think I clicked on that as WELL as, long or short term relationships, dating, and a handful of choices that were available as for what I was looking for at the time. 

The “casual sex” thing though, it gets guys every time.  I don’t mean “gets” them in the sense that they want to fuck, though that is often the case, but gets them all freaked out!!  Apparently, for many men, it is just UNTHINKABLE, that a girl like me, might have deliberately checked the CASUAL SEX button.  OMG!

This guy was unique because he actually bothered to follow it up with another email, when I ignored him. That let me know I was indeed correct, in assuming that he meant it as a negative judgement, rather than his wanting sex with me. 

Here is his second email:  “Actually after reading your answers to the questions on here, I guess maybe you are looking for that. I was trying to be helpful because it automatically marks all the options when you first sign up.”  Gee, thanks for the “help”. 

Shame, shame on me for wanting casual sex.  Once a guy wrote me a big long letter explaining why it wasn’t okay for women to seek out casual sex and that no man would want me if I gave it away so easily.  Thanks.  I so needed a lecture from a random guy on a dating site about how I should conduct my sex life. One thing is for sure, that attitude is not helping the guy get a date, at least from me!!

I’ve always been honestly puzzled and disturbed that so many men split women into the two categories of Madonna/Whore.  I find it very difficult to understand why a woman’s past sexual experiences would be such a bad thing.  If anything, experience helps a woman to learn what she likes in bed and better communicate it to you.

I’ve never been able to quite comprehend how men can have sex with women they consider “whores,” then disrespect them for doing so.  Yet, its common.  Extremely, extremely common for men to sleep around all they want and only settle down with someone who is sexually inexperienced, that they see as more worthy of love.

On some level, I know this is because men see sexual promiscuity as a threat.  If they dare to let down their guard and love a woman who sleeps around, then she might leave them for another guy.  I do understand this, to an extent, it’s just like, come on guys, don’t you have any more confidence than that? 

They trust themselves, to sleep around with many women, but always come back to the woman they fell in love with, or married.  At least many do, yet they can’t trust women to do the same.  I wonder why? 

What bugs me the most is that men do this splitting thing where they won’t be affectionate with a woman they consider a slut.  They treat her as though she is less deserving of sweetness and romance.  Is this some kind of repressed anger? 

Sometimes it goes so far as the guy shaming a woman he DOES have feelings for because of her sexual desires WITH HIM.  I’ve been on the receiving end of this plenty of times and it just leaves me sort of speechless.  You don’t want me to be too sexual WITH YOU?  WTF? 

They won’t usually ADMIT this but it happens a lot.  Quite often the same guy claims to want a “lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets”.  Yet when the rubber meets the road, this is a threat to him and he doesn’t really want that.  She has to fit one or the other mold in his head.

The whole thing bothers me so much because I LOVE being able to give and receive love and affection with a man.  I also LOVE sex.  Finding someone who is cool enough to allow me to do BOTH of those things is like looking for a needle in a haystack. 

It’s like every guy I meet wants me either to be his girlfriend and lack sexual desire, (unless of course its for other women, to bring back to him) or he finds out I want to have lots of sex and doesn’t want to talk or have an emotional connection with me.  I don’t like being pigeonholed into either of those boxes. 

This makes it very hard for me on dating sites.  If I meet guys on a “vanilla” site, there never seems to be an appropriate time to admit I like sex and going to swinger parties.  Many times they just “assume” I want monogamy and that can be frustrating.  When I try to hint at more, then they are like oh, she just wants a fuck buddy, and out goes the possibility of anything special.

Yet, meeting men on a swinger site, they just assume you are all out for the sex and act like its crazy for anyone on there to seek out a relationship.  Well, not totally, because as you have seen if you read my blog regularly, they often want ME to stop sleeping around and just help them get some. :p  They want a one-sided relationship, where you are committed to them, but not vice- versa, like every other guy out there, lol.

What I really want, is a man who can handle me, as is, that I don’t have to pretend with.  Or…several of them.  (Ha) Okay, not really, because when I fall for someone I do tend to have a one track mind.  Not necessarily sexually, but emotionally.  Sometimes it’s sexually too, but eventually my curiosity gets the best of me.  I still think it would be fun to play together, and probably separately as well.

I think something like what Mr. Firm has, sounds ideal.  His girlfriend has it made!  He’s one of the few men I’ve met who seems to be lacking Madonna/whore issues.  I’m still marveling that he hasn’t seemed to change his attitude or level of affection for me after reading my blog.  I’m pretty impressed! 

So I know, if he is like that, there have to be other men out there the same way.  Just not enough of them, lol.  Or, more likely, they just aren’t single!  :p 

Maybe, I’m guilty of wanting to have my cake and eat it too.  But what is the point of having a cake if you aren’t going to eat it?  I’ve never understood that either….;)

Lucky me, an STD

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Fucking policeman, I know it had to be him.  When I texted to share the news he claimed he hadn’t had sex in a year before me.  Guess he must have forgotten telling me about the woman he slept with while her husband watched and the fiancé of his cousin that they supposedly bang together frequently.  Hmmm…

Yeah, he’s the one that was going on about how he couldn’t get STD’s because he is allergic to various antibiotics and how careful he is. Then he mentioned how he never sleeps with these “lizards” at truck stops. I should have known him SAYING this stuff and bringing it up probably indicated the opposite. Men are such liars. “He who doth protest too much….”

Too bad too, because I really wanted to keep sleeping with him.  It was fun, I just don’t want to risk this again!  He was asking me about anal recently too, and knowing this?  No way!

Anyway, I have Chlamydia.  I guess it’s not all that surprising considering my sexual activities for the past month.  3 new guys and only one wore a condom.  I should know better, I really should.   Fuck buddy, fortunately, ALWAYS wears a condom and it’s been over 5 weeks since I’ve seen the Professor so I think he’s probably fine.  The incubation period for this is like a week and a half and the nurse said sometimes takes up to 3 weeks to show up.

The Jamaican guy was surprisingly nice over text.  His response was “What??? Thanks for letting me know.  That’s very brave and sweet of you.  Thanks!” I’ve never been called “sweet” before for informing someone I may have given them an std (because I have my doubts that it came from him), but okay.

 I haven’t responded to that, not sure what to say, lol.  I think I’m more “blunt and to the point” about stuff like this than “sweet”.  I didn’t beat around the bush, just told them both straight out, over text, so I’m sure it was a bit of a shock.

I wish I could say I have never had an STD before, but sadly that wouldn’t be true.  If you read my post My Deep Dark Past, it should come as no surprise that I’ve had quite a few.  My sexual activities as a teenager were not only reckless as far as condoms go but also involved a lot of guys who had been in and out of prison at some point or another.

  I’m always surprised though at these people who claim they have had (mostly unprotected)sex with hundreds of people and never contracted anything.  How??  It seems like the minute I have unprotected sex with a new guy I virtually always end up with something unpleasant, heck I’ve even had what appeared to be an allergic reaction to the freaking CONDOM (or spermicide on it) with one man.  I think I’m just really sensitive and susceptible to this sort of thing.  Thankfully I am pretty in tune with my body and notice and get stuff treated right away. 

The nurse at the health department was pretty nice.  She didn’t act too horrified when she saw my vast, extensive, std history.  It always makes me want to crawl through the floor.   What was the worst was that a couple of years ago, I contracted Trich and when the antibiotic didn’t clear it up the first time around they said I would have to go through my family doctor.  The doctor wouldn’t refer me someplace until I got seen in the office so I had to have my records faxed over there and ever since I can feel the judgment from the staff.  This is the same place I take my kids to be seen. :/

It looks awful on paper, but reality is I am not having near as much reckless sex as I was back then and have only caught the Trich and this in the past couple of years since my divorce.  I’ve always been quick to discover and treat whatever it is and followed the instructions on not having sex until things cleared up and informed my partners.

Still there is a whole host of stereotypes that come with someone having had STD’s that is very negative.  One of them is that the person isn’t clean and I know that’s not true because I am scrupulous with hygiene.  Maybe if there wasn’t so much shame surrounding the issue people would be more honest too.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I have come down with something and anyone/everyone I was sleeping with adamantly denied having anything.  Um, sorry but that is IMPOSSIBLE.  I will admit though that I think there is some problem with the testing.  Even the nurse at the health dept told me sometimes one half of a couple will test positive with Chlamydia and the other shows up as either having nothing or having Gonorrhea, so they treat both anyway.

When I came down with Trich, the guy I had the affair with swore up and down he tested as having nothing.  I told him that lots of times men do test negative and still can pass it on and should be treated.  Apparently his doctor told him the same damn thing and offered him medicine but he said he wasn’t going to take it because he “didn’t have anything” and wasn’t taking any freaking medicine that he didn’t need to!  I wanted to bang my head on the wall, lol.  We used condoms for a while after that but  eventually did again, without, and I never got anything.

I still remember the first time I had Chlamydia.  It was in my THROAT and I was 15 years old so it took them awhile to figure out what was wrong.  I had to see a pediatrician and the woman was so horribly nasty to me when she found out.  She asked how many sexual partners I’d had in the past 6 months and I was afraid to tell her the truth so I said “10”.  It was really more like 20.  Some of those had been gang rapes.

 She spent her time trying to shame me and make me feel bad, rather than asking any deeper questions.  She said she wanted the names and numbers of all the people I’d slept with and that she was going to call and talk to them.  Of course I claimed not to remember them (though I knew) because I didn’t want to be humiliated like that.  Then she acted even nastier, as though treating me like dirt was going to stop me from having sex.

Anyhow, I DO know better than to have sex with strangers without a condom.  I’ve admittedly been kind of reckless lately in my attempts to forget about the Professor.  It could have been worse though.  What kills me is that the officer HAD the damn condoms sitting there, because I had ASKED him to bring and wear one but he didn’t put it on. 

I’m just as guilty because I was super horny and he’d just gone down on me and all I wanted was him inside me and didn’t care.  I really hope he was telling the truth about not cumming inside me too because I am late for my period.   :/  I’m afraid to get a test and hoping it’s just the Chlamydia and the fact that I’ve had an irregular cycle lately.  When I had Trich last time my period was 12 days late and it totally freaked me out, but no pregnancy. 

I take the meds tonight and then no sex for a week.  Thank God I caught it now because I’m due to see the married man next weekend.  She said I’ll also most likely get a yeast infection from the antibiotics (something else I’m super susceptible to) and so will start some meds for that soon as well.  I’m disappointed too because I was looking forward to seeing Mr. Officer again.  Damn!!

 

My deep, dark, past

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Fellow blogger and commenter Deep Explorations asked me a question and I felt it really deserved a blog post of it’s own.  He wonders, after reading a post about my emotional reaction and feelings of abandonment when the Professor played with that married woman, why I would put myself through this?  “It does seem remarkable to me that for someone with sooo much trauma in your past that you should seek out an open relationship, but maybe it is that trauma that sends you that way?”

I feel I should mention here that I don’t know that I particularly sought out an OPEN relationship with the Professor.  More, it seemed to fall in my lap.  I met him on the swinger site, but I had only registered in order to be allowed to attend one party, to feed my curiosity after speaking with a guy I’d had sex with twice and who was going to be there as well. 

I hadn’t even bothered to put up a photo on the website yet, just basic information about my height and weight and looks and that I was new at this.  He sent me an email that I liked because he seemed sweet and respectful and of course I took a look at his pictures.  From there we talked and I agreed to go out on a date.  We had incredible sex and the next night a really fun time at My First Swinger Party

We both seemed to really like each other and the reason it developed into an OPEN thing is because that is what he wanted!  He was already seeing someone else, the married woman, and I didn’t know the details of all that at first because he acted more as though they were fuck buddies.  I was playing the field at that time so it seemed like a good idea to be upfront and honest with each other about what we were doing.  He asked that I tell him when I was going to play and vice versa and I’m thinking GREAT, this guy is awesome!   I had a don’t ask/don’t tell style relationship with the guy I had the affair with and that worked for us because it helped keep out some of the jealousy problems (some, not all) but this idea of being up front was appealing.

At the time I began seeing the Professor, the guy I had the affair with and I were still talking but things were starting to fade.  So it followed that as I became more enamored with the Prof, contact between he and I dropped off and we were barely talking at all. Being more of an emotionally exclusive person myself, when I fall for someone, they are my main focus and anyone else would be just sex. I assumed it would be the same for him.

 The Professor, on the other hand, still had this woman in his life and when he bailed on me for three days the first time she came down to visit and I realized there was a serious emotional bond between them, rather than a fuck buddy sort of thing, I was hurt.  I did not like the idea of being a secondary one bit and he swore up and down I wasn’t.  Yet he had this relationship going on first and she was “in love” with him.  Ouch.  I’ve mentioned all the stuff that happened in several blog posts so I don’t want to repeat. 

Now for the meat and bones, the second “part” of my answer.  What lead me, ultimately, as someone who has had a lot of trauma in my life to get into things like swinging and a more open style of relationship?  Why did I ever think this would be okay?

Let’s delve here a little bit into my past.  Some of this is stuff that I’ve been reluctant to write about thus far because it has the potential to make even the most “open” blog readers to look down on me.  For a long time I carried a lot of shame due to my lifestyle as a teenager, I’d be lying if I said I’m not still holding on to a little bit of it now.  So please, try not to view me with too much disgust.  I’ve grown up and changed a whole lot since then.

 While I am not “proud” of my past and I realize that a lot of it came out of low self- esteem issues, I was also young and easily manipulated.  I’d grown up basically on my own, with unloving, neglectful and abusive “parents” and complete emotional abandonment.  I don’t remember my mother even so much as hugging me as a kid and the touches I received were pretty much limited to physical abuse (not sexual) so I was STARVED for any kind of affection I could get. 

In any case I’m not saying all this stuff was all that awful, I had a lot of fun in the process even if SOME of it was degrading.  I did some stupid things and was very reckless in regards to things like “safer sex” but thank God for antibiotics!  When I look back though, as an adult, and think about the stuff we did, I realize that a lot of it wasn’t all that different from the swinger Lifestyle!  Like seriously, as kids we were like little swingers in training.  Is it any wonder I’d feel comfortable in that position now?

So let’s start back at the beginning.  My first sexual relationship (at 13) was with a guy I was dating.  Normal, monogamous relationship, though he did end up in Juvenile detention for sexually harassing someone while we were going out.  Nice.  I think I’ve mentioned somewhere on this blog that our first sex was in a hotel room we had broken into, next to someone else’s suitcases on the bed!  We had a lot of sex, and I even remember doing it in front of other guys from time to time.

The second time was a random guy I met on the beach.  Sex in the bushes outside in the canoe club.  It was a one- time thing.  After that I had a thing going on with a much older guy that never turned into actual sex because of my age but he went down on me a lot.  I’m pretty sure he was also involved with other girls. 

Okay, so from there I moved back home and in with my grandmother to go to high school.  It was there that I met this girlfriend I will call “S”.  S and I hit it off immediately.  She was a biracial girl that was my exact same height and weight.  We were both skinny little things lol, at 5’6” and 105 lbs.  We had a LOT in common, though she was a tad more aggressive than me.  She had a white mother and black stepfather (just like me) and we had little brothers with the same name and even the pictures on the wall in her home were some of the same ones as at my mother’s house.  It was eerily weird.

Not long after we started hanging out she brought me with her to this guy’s house.  He actually wasn’t there, but in prison at the time.  He’d been tried as an adult for aiding in a bank robbery.  There were several other guys, including his brother and cousin, there in his unfinished basement bedroom.  This room had its own door and stairs leading down to it so you could come inside without having to bypass his mother and grandmother upstairs.  It was really two rooms, a big room with a pool table and waterbed and bathroom and then another with a fold out couch and tv.  There were doors at the top and bottom of the stairs, and between the two rooms.  I came to know this place very well over the next couple of years.

That night the guys started coming on to us and she had sex with one or more of them, I don’t remember who.  We were in the dark on the bed, all of us together and I went along and fucked the cousin.  Afterwards, they congratulated her and told her they knew she’d be responsible for “turning me out”.  At the time, I didn’t really even understand what they meant.  She later told me she would go over there and sleep with all these guys because she felt it made her “more popular”, and I suppose it did to an extent, as I found out, but there were  downsides as well.

I continued to have sex with him occasionally but he lived out of town and we really didn’t communicate much unless he was there.  So the next time we went over to visit it was someone else.  Again, I don’t remember who she was fucking but for me it was a very handsome light skinned biracial guy with green eyes.  So when he came on to me yeah, I wasn’t exactly complaining!  LOL  He too, was from out of town.  As good looking as he was the sex was a bit difficult due to his very large cock.

Anyway, after that another boy who was over there often asked me out and I agreed.  Really the only REASON I agreed was because I felt sorry for him.  He wasn’t all that attractive and had messed up teeth.  So I ended up sleeping with him too even though the other guys laughed about it.  Since we were “going out” whenever someone else tried to get me in bed I said no, but that didn’t last long.

The reason it didn’t last was because after I had sex with him for the 3rd or 4th time I was forcibly raped by another guy that was there.  I don’t even know for sure who it was.  The basement bedroom was pitch dark and he’d run upstairs when some people showed up for a drug deal.  I was still naked in the bed and someone else walked in, but I could only see his silhouette.  For the purpose of this blog I’m not going to detail that incident or those of the other rapes, but maybe another time when I can post a warning for those who don’t want to read it.

I don’t want you to think I was terribly traumatized afterwards, but I did cry.  I told some of the other guys who were there what happened and they speculated about who it was but basically told me to suck it up.  They said no one would believe me if I tried to report it because I’d been there having sex with guys already and the court wouldn’t care. 

Now, looking back I can see that I’d only had sex with 3 different people there total and it doesn’t seem like a huge deal but this attitude made me feel pretty bad, like I was already being seen as a worthless slut.  The guy I was seeing “broke up” with me because of the rape.

Sometime after that I slept with a random guy I met on the street, who turned out to be almost twice my age and married and they (some of the guys who hung out there) found out about it.  Of course this didn’t bode well for my reputation either.  After that there was a completely unrelated guy from school that I dated for a bit and then a guy I’d had a crush on for a long time.

By this time, the guy who had been in prison had gotten out.  It was a big deal and everyone was talking about it beforehand.  “S” made an especially big deal out of this and told me I’d really like HIM.  He was definitely the “alpha male” of the group and the leader.  I was never as impressed with him as she was, but we did get along.  In fact I wrote another blog post, where I talk about him, called The Ghosts of Guys in the Past.

The first night that I had sex with my crush (who happened to be the brother of the guy I had the affair with- but that is another story) Mr. Alpha Male was driving.  I was sitting in the backseat with the Crush and another guy, who I would later become involved with, surprisingly.  He was an ASSHOLE.  The Crush was trying to be sweet and kissing me and the ASSHOLE didn’t think things were going fast enough.  He grabbed him and was pulling him off of me, saying “Let me show you how to do this!” running his hand up my leg. The Crush pushed him away and told him to back off a few times, but he was offering commentary and wouldn’t shut up.  I so wanted to slap him!

In any case, we ended up having sex while several of the guys were sneaking into a club.  We were talking afterwards and he asked how many people I’d slept with up until that point.  I said 8 (him being the 9th) and he seemed to think that was an okay number.  His was 22. I was surprised that a 15 year old had slept with that many people already and he said he started when he was 11.

I was elated, afterwards, because he and I had been flirty for quite some time and I was hoping it would go somewhere but what happened the next night changed all that.  I was gang raped by 5 of them (he wasn’t there) in a park.  It would have been 6 but the police showed up and everyone took off running (except me, I rolled under a bush, grabbing my clothes and hid there while they were shining their spotlights around).

 Again, I don’t want to get in too much detail about the rapes for the purpose of this post but it was the Alpha Male (who got me to willingly have sex with him) followed by the ASSHOLE, who came and got on me afterwards and wouldn’t let me get up to get my clothes.  Some of the other guys involved were over 21 and they all were on probation or had warrants for their arrest. 

They didn’t physically harm me in any way but I was left feeling sick emotionally.  I hadn’t fought with them and basically just lay there, but they knew I was scared.  One of the guys kept repeating “she’s scared I don’t want to do this”.  A couple of the younger guys did come back and get me after the police left and we walked back home.  When I talked about it later with “S” she said they had done the same thing to her and pulled trains on several girls.

That night ruined the romantic aspect of the relationship between the Crush and I but we did continue to have sex occasionally.  I’d say it became more of a love/hate thing.  The guys had talked about me as though I went along willingly and I was afraid to tell anyone, even S, the truth, though she may have figured as much.  There was absolutely NO WAY I would have reported any of them to the police with all the risks that entailed. I wasn’t about to be a “snitch”.

You may wonder why I continued to hang around these people and I really can’t give an answer to that because I don’t know myself.  I was gang raped again soon after, by some of the same guys, starting again with the Alpha male and the Asshole.  I continued to sleep with the both of them separately for quite some time and was involved in some other group sexual encounters with them and several more guys who would come and go from that basement room.

Now that I’ve been involved a bit in the swinger scene I can see the parallels.  A lot of times we’d all be down there and people were walking around naked, there would be porn on the tv, and lots of sex going on while others watched.  Different females came and went but S and I were pretty much stable. 

Many times the guys involved had proper girlfriends and sometimes I didn’t even know about it until afterwards. At school, for the ones who were still there anyway, we sometimes acted like we barely knew one another.  It was all underground, almost literally.  While I had a reputation with certain people, many others, including several of my fairly close girlfriends, never had a clue. 

Sure people knew S and I hung out there because Alpha Male would sometimes pick us up in his car from school and he was well known.  Still, most were not aware of the kinds of things that went on behind closed doors.  At school I continued to get decent grades and have a relatively normal life in front of others, if being seen as a bit of a partier, but we all were!

There were times when we did crazy things, like basically played a game of Sexual Roulette.  I can remember Alpha male calling out directions for us to switch partners and S and I having sex with like 4 different guys together. First she would be with him and I was with the Asshole (who was really quite good in bed, if a total jerk), then she’d be with guy C while I was with the Alpha Male and, then I’m on guy C while she is doing guy D and so on. 

At one point she and I actually got into a contest to see who could sleep with the most people.  I was winning for a while but then she had to drop out of the race due to getting pregnant.  She still fucked around then but not as much.  For me it ended when I started dating the older psycho –jealous- crazy dude that everyone was scared of.  He forbade me to spend time around there and had enough influence to keep them away. 

I did continue on with some of the guys that were involved here, eventually, and even fell in love with one that had been involved with the gang rape.  He was the one telling everyone I was scared and he didn’t want to do it (but he went along anyway).  In any case, we had a pretty good run until he broke my heart by trying to get me to have sex with these guys again, years later, when I was older and more willing to stand up for myself.  It was the Alpha Male, the Asshole and a whole hotel room full of older guys actually, like 10-15 of them and I refused and someone stole my clothes and I was crying and begging him not to make me do it.  Eventually it got to him and he put some of his own clothes on me and drove me home. 

I know this probably sounds awful and traumatic but really for the most part it wasn’t.  Still emotionally, it was hard.  I had a few boyfriends that came and went but mostly there was minimal emotional relationship and a lot of times I felt used.  It’s really hard on my part to explain WHY I would continue to go there and I think a lot of it was just psychological plus a love of sex!! 

I can’t say I was “afraid” of any of the guys themselves or anything like that.  I even once got raped at gunpoint by a college basketball player and guess where I went afterwards?  I walked straight over to that basement room, though I never told anyone what had happened. 

I didn’t like the gangbangs at all and have a hard time comprehending women who are into them (though whatever floats your boat I guess).  The sex though, for me was addictive.  I had sex just about every day with at least one person and often more, though overall it was a repeat of the same guys over and over.  S and I would sometimes think we were “doing well” if we’d gone a few days without “giving in” to sleeping with one guy or another.  We even once read an article and decided we were “sex addicts”.  Well, hell, perhaps I still am, if that’s a real malady!  I’ve taken a test online on one of these sex addicts anonymous type sites and scored pretty highly.

I know there is very low respect in general for females who are doing the whole crew so again, this tends to be something I rarely talk about. I don’t want to portray myself as a victim though, because the majority of this stuff was done willingly.  Obviously, the rapes were not but they weren’t “that bad” either.  No one was physically hurting me.  It actually took me a long time to get to the point where I could even acknowledge that they actually WERE rapes (discounting the gunpoint guy and the stranger).  I did feel badly about having a train run on me though, because who can feel good about that?  Well, maybe women who fantasize about this in a swinger context?  That is soooo hard for me to understand, I guess due to the things that happened with me.

As S said, this did end up actually giving me a certain amount of “popularity” and of course free advertising that I liked sex!  Word does tend to get out and Lord knows there were plenty of guys who exaggerated their sexual escapades with me as well but only amongst certain people.

 There were a lot of FEMALES who were jealous of me.  Many knew S and I hung out over there but weren’t really aware of the whole of what was going on.  Still it got me into a couple of fights.  Thankfully I usually had people to back me up and nothing serious came of any of it. 

To add to my “popularity” (lol) sometimes I was pulled in on drug deals as a cover.  Like I would be at a party and a couple of guys would grab me and bring me in the bathroom so as not to look suspicious.  I’d be sitting on one of the guy’s laps while they did their business. Well, of course we all know what THAT looked like to outsiders.  Some girls really resented me for stuff like this because I was let into rooms that they were locked out of and stuff and didn’t know what was going on.

In any case, I couldn’t live this way forever and as I’ve mentioned in previous posts I had a need to move on and do better for myself.  After a run with the crazy, psycho ex, the guy who broke my heart and the platonic friend who I started having threesomes with, I went away to college and from there I met my ex husband.  S didn’t know for sure that her baby belonged to Alpha Male until long after he was dead and gone. She kept on with some pretty crazy stuff though and had a child with another man who was murdered as well as with someone who abused her.  Nowadays she seems to be doing better and her oldest kids anyway are doing great and never got into the kind of trouble we did.

Anyhow, due to all this, I can’t say that for ME, monogamy seems like the default!  I really didn’t have a lot of it in my early days of having sex.  Still, EMOTIONALLY I have a tendency to WANT that.  So am I doing it because of being “damaged”?  Well, maybe to an extent but I also have seen so much cheating (and sometimes from guys you’d never guess it from and who weren’t getting into “trouble” otherwise) that it is hard for me to believe it wouldn’t happen anyway, especially even when my preaching, low sex drive ex husband fell in love with someone else!

On being a slut

So I’ve been called a slut before. Big deal, right? I like sex. Apparently that’s a bad thing for a woman in our society, no matter how much we are told otherwise.

Honestly, I find the male attitude towards female sexuality rather puzzling and disturbing. I say the male attitude, because, let’s be real, when a woman calls another woman a “slut” it’s usually code for “I hate that stupid bitch” for whatever reason, or “stay away from my man”. That’s it. Women don’t really care how many people you’ve slept with if they consider you a FRIEND or feel neutral towards you as a person. It’s only if you are an arch enemy or a sexual threat that it becomes a concern. Movie stars are only sluts if your boyfriend is attracted to them or you just don’t like them in general to begin with.

So if a woman calls me a slut I know she either hates my guts or is afraid I’m after her guy. Ok, no big deal and I’m either going to roll my eyes or smirk upon hearing her declaration. Yawn. Unless she’s trying to start a fight, in which case, well, I’m too old for that shit, lol, please. I know she’s only jealous.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about MEN, and their reason for using this terminology. From men, being called a “slut” has a completely different connotation. Men are actually CONCERNED with the number of guys you have slept with. Like, for real. WTF right?

How is this even relevant? Does sleeping with 1 person, or 10 people, or 50, or 100 REALLY make a difference in what kind of person you are, how likely you are to cheat, or what your specific relationship to THAT guy is going to be? I don’t think so!

I don’t care how many clueless guys keep posting statuses on how “you can’t make a ho a housewife” on their Facebook wall, it’s simply not a theory that is grounded in reality. Now, I will agree that you can’t MAKE her be one, but if she chooses, of her own free will, to be a monogamous housewife, her past is IRRELEVANT. A woman who has only fucked a few people in her past is JUST as capable of cheating on you as one who went wild and crazy with it and did the whole damn town. Maybe even less so, hey, she’s sown her wild oats already, JUST LIKE YOU. So often these sentiments come straight from the mouths of men who’ve been around the block a few hundred times themselves.

In any case, men will think of you as a slut or not regarding the sheer number of people you’ve slept with and what you have done. Of course their viewpoint widely varies according to their own experience level, but generally they want you to have slept with fewer people than they themselves have. EYEROLL. Like, if he’s been with 50 people and you’ve done 15, you are probably okay, but don’t you dare say 51, if you want to have any kind of relationship. It’s pertinent you find out his number FIRST so you don’t say something stupid.

Are there more open minded guys out there? Of course but guaranteed it STILL bugs him if your number is higher than his. This is why I refuse to even discuss numbers anymore with a guy.

Now don’t get me wrong, most guys will be more than happy to sleep with you if they perceive you as a “slut”. In fact, this will turn them on even more but if you are looking for commitment and a real relationship it seems to be better to play the role of the reluctant and demure maiden.

I find this Madonna/whore complex simply MADDENING. It’s absurd! Comments like “I wouldn’t want her to kiss my children with that mouth” are a dime a dozen out there. In fact, I’ve gotten little “lectures” from guys on dating sites where I checked “casual sex” as one of the options. Men telling me that I shouldn’t be asking for casual sex. Seriously. Thanks dude, for all your “concern”, but I happen to LIKE it.

Do you ever hear any such thing from women? Do we perceive a man who has been sleeping with different girls as worthless? Hardly. Sure, women will sometimes “complain” about it but often set out to be the one who finally tames the beast. Men insist on looking at a “slut” as damaged goods. Somehow, sexual experience takes away your ability to be good relationship material. That in itself seems so off. A person who has slept around has MORE relationship experience to fall back on. Granted that sometimes comes with baggage, but the same is true for men and ONE bad relationship can leave a person with enough baggage to bog down their life if they don’t learn to let it go.

So anyway, if you are polyamorous or a swinger or running around in more enlightened sexual circles this shouldn’t be a problem right? You wouldn’t think so, but I STILL come across it! Take the other night with the Professor. We got into talking about a couple of past sexual experiences. Among his was a time when he slept with three women at once. He told me the story in detail. Still, when I started to talk about my own experiences he told me that was “TMI”. ::: blink, blink ::: He didn’t want to know!

He also has chastised me for meeting men off Craigslist. Apparently this is somehow more slutty than meeting HIM off of a swinger site. Um, okay? Oh, and when I was considering a threesome with my fuck buddy and another guy and mentioned it to him he made sure to tell me he would NEVER include me in such a thing. This is from a guy who has threesomes with men and their wives regularly. I’m soooo confused!! Why is it any worse for me? I could understand him feeling jealous at the thought of me with two other men when he wasn’t there, and that is one of the reasons I kind of backed down from the idea, but to learn that he would never want to see me in that position with him and another guy was kind of eye opening.

The Professor is also always trying to make like my relationship with my fuck buddy is based on the guy treating me like crap. He can’t wrap his head around the fact that I am equally as interested in a no strings attached thing as the guy. No really, I don’t WANT it to turn emotional. I am perfectly happy with our fuck and leave arrangement. It’s like he just can’t believe that women also sometimes can benefit from that. I am a very emotional person, with SOME people, but I reserve that for those that I care about on a different level. You would think knowing that I am less attached to the other guy than him would help him feel better about things but it actually seems to bug him more.

It’s not just him either!! The Love of My Life found out some things I had done in the past, like 15 years ago, from one of his brothers and was upset by it. Really? When you were THERE back then, know I was no angel and doing just as crazy stuff as me? Come on now!

The other thing that drives me nuts is when men say “I want a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets”. No, you don’t! Quit lying!! Y’all are full of shit!! LOL The minute YOUR “lady” gets too freaky you FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Just sayin….

Ladies, I know you all know what I’m talking about because SO OFTEN when I have tried to do something more freaky with a guy I am in a relationship with or been too aggressive about seeking out sex, they put me back in my place. They may have SAID they want you to initiate things or whatever but the minute you actually TRY this you get a comment like “what are you doing?” Um….nothing….really….nevermind….Im just gonna lay here and let you decide when you want to have sex, lol. SORRY. Being a sexual pursuer as a female just doesn’t go over like it does in the movies. Men don’t like it!!

What absolutely kills me is that men seem to want women they like to appear totally virginal, even when they KNOW damn well you aren’t! Like the guy I met on AFF (ADULT Friend Finder is a sex site, for those who don’t already know) who, after drinks and being invited back to my house and making out with me on the couch, asked me if I was “really okay” with him touching my boobs and if it wasn’t “going too fast”. Like, really dude? Are we in middle school? I don’t even remember anyone saying stuff like that to me back then! Haha….

Oh, and then there was the guy off the swinger site. He’d driven 4 hours to meet me. We’d had dinner and gone back to his hotel room. I’d brought a bag to stay overnight. We’d been talking about sexual stuff for over an hour. I went into the bathroom and changed into my sexy lingerie and walked out into the bedroom area. He came over onto the bed and we were making out. Then he stops to ask me if I was “really okay” with this. I said yes. So he asks me AGAIN, TWICE, if I was “really sure” I wanted to have sex. Um, do I LOOK like I want to have sex? Then he was like “you seem nervous”. Um, no dude, YOU are nervous, lol. GAH!! I swear at that point I was about ready to tell him no, just forget it and drive me home. By the third time I was seriously wondering if he actually wanted to have sex with ME and if he was somehow not into the way I looked in my lingerie. Was there something wrong with my body? Did he not want to fuck? What the hell? LOL

I guess he wanted me to play more innocent than I actually am. That seems to be the case with men in general, really. Play dumb, play innocent, this works and makes them happy, and they wonder why women are “hard to get”? Well, duh, because GUYS have been telling us for ages that we shouldn’t be too quick to sleep with you. Pick up almost any relationship book written from a man’s viewpoint and he’s telling you if you want respect you need to wait until you’ve been dating for awhile to have sex and blah, blah, blah. Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

Pssshhhh….quit complaining guys, you dug your own hole. We know damn well if we throw ourselves at you or let you know just how fun all of our previous sexual exploits were, you’ll never consider us for a relationship. And that’s what every woman WANTS, deep down, I don’t care how “slutty” she is, she wants to develop REAL RELATIONSHIPS, not JUST sexual ones (though occasional flings or NSA things are fine). So we learn how to put up a front, for your benefit. If you don’t want that then stop asking for it. Don’t shame her when she tells you about her past and let her be herself. Don’t use the number of guys she’s been with or amount of things she has done as your ruler and measuring stick to what kind of person she’ll be. There are great women who’ve had a lot of sex and total bitches who’ve done the same thing. The same can be said of virgins! Sexual experience does not define character. I’m starting to sound like Bill Clinton, ha.

Seriously though, sluttiness isn’t always a bad thing. You may miss out on a great girl because you rated her sexuality as being negative. Fear of female sexuality is why you might not be getting any right now.

While I’m at it, stop assuming that every female who sleeps around HAS to want to sleep around with every guy she meets. A woman who likes sex doesn’t have to be indiscriminate about it. Most times, we AREN’T. We still don’t want to fuck most guys and are still going to be picky. Deal with it. Because she fucked some guys you know doesn’t mean you have a hall pass to fuck her too. It’s not necessarily going to happen. Likewise just because she is “slutty” doesn’t mean she wants to do every sexual act that you do. Maybe she sleeps with a lot of guys, but still hates anal. You might have better luck with that girl who has only been with 2 guys before in her life. You just NEVER know about people.

Again, lots of sex doesn’t equal all your fantasies come true. People are individuals, treat them as so. Quit painting women as Madonnas or whores. The best of us are a bit of both. I’ve been the housewife and the ho. They really can be mutually exclusive. The question is can you be the bad boy that is also a nice guy? Cause that’s what I want, dammit! 😉