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Being the third wheel

thirdwheel

I haven’t mentioned a whole lot about Mr. Poly on my blog lately, but it’s been kind of a weird ride. He continues to act as a semi-Sugar Daddy, but at times it seems half assed. Other times, he goes all out.

Like, a while back he had me picked up from my house in his limo for a night on the town. His girlfriend had insisted that I get babysitting taken care of that night so that we could go to this women only event at a club, then we were all supposed to hit some other places in the city. It wasn’t quite what I expected.

I was the first person picked up and it was very early in the evening. We were supposed to be having appetizers at this women’s event so I hadn’t eaten and had ordered my kids a pizza. When I arrived at the girlfriend’s home though, plans had changed.

There was another woman there. I had no idea who she was. She looked just as shocked to see me as I was her. She was older, around the age of Mr. Poly and the girlfriend (late 40’s). I was trying to figure out if she was a friend of the girlfriend’s, a co-worker, a lover?

I didn’t discover for sure, until much later in the evening, that she was indeed someone he/they were having sex with. Uhh… apparently she’s been around a month or two, without my knowledge. She made a catty sounding comment once, asking if I ever dated guys “my own age,” but other than that, was decently nice.

Anyhow, we were all going out together. They had decided, instead of hitting the clubs we had originally planned on going to, or going to the women’s event, we were going to some other places. One was a country bar….gag…. Thank God we never made it there, haha. (Sorry, just not my thing).

We went to what is supposed to be a cool place, with live music…but it was uh, 8:30 pm. So of course no one was there yet and the band wouldn’t be playing for a couple more hours. I texted the Cohort and he was shaking his head at my predicament, like, seriously, who goes there that early at night??

In any case, it sucked and they ended up wanting to head back to this same older person’s bar they have taken me to before. It’s kind of their “spot” I guess. It wasn’t that bad, but guess who was there? The Englishman….eeek. And guess who had also fucked him before?? The other woman that was along. She’d only done him once too and decided she was done. Hmmmm…

Then she proceeds to tell me that she is a dominatrix :: blink, blink ::: Mr. Poly later explained she is a “switch” and doesn’t act that way with them. Oh, okay. Her other kink is that she likes to watch bisexual men get it on. So she goes to this sex club that the Cohort has been going to, to watch. (The Cohort is not bi, he goes there with this married couple and the wife likes to get gangbanged there, but they have “bi” nights for men and a sizable portion of bi men that attend, as well as people with various fetishes).

Interesting. I’m kind of curious to check this place out, but then again, maybe not. The Cohort says most of the people there are not that attractive and that I definitely wouldn’t want to go alone. He says if I came with him he’d feel like he needed to spend most of his time protecting me from the guys that would be expecting me to play, that they are more pushy than your average swinger club.

Maybe someday. In any case, I didn’t even end up having sex with Mr. Poly that night. His limo driver was in a hurry to get back and needed to take me home. It was like 3 am. But the other two women stayed and he said they had fun. I was kind of glad to be leaving, actually.

I’m just not that into Mr. Poly. I mean, he is alright. The last time we had sex was in this over the door sex swing. I was alone with him and it was actually better than usual, but most of the time I’m not really feeling it.

I’m really not liking the whole 3rd wheel aspect. It feels like they sort of expect me to just do whatever they want, don’t inform me of any of their plans or make me a part of them, and I’m just supposed to know my “place”.

Mr. Poly uses condoms on me every time, which is good, but he doesn’t use them on his girlfriend. When we are at his house and she is not there, we have to play in a separate bedroom because it’s one of her “rules”. He told me I had “earned the privilege” of being in their bedroom when she is there, which was really kind of annoying. I’m just like, what the fuck ever. I don’t care about “earning privileges” with them, I’m not in grade school.

He doesn’t go down on me, but I’ve seen him do it on her. That could be offensive, but I think it’s another of their little “rules”. He calls her the “Queen Bee” and says she gets first pick of things, like when he bought some lingerie off of a website for us. I haven’t gotten to take “mine” home or wear it yet because apparently she has to have hers first.

Oh, and the pole dancing classes he is supposed to be paying for. We STILL haven’t gotten to go. Mainly because she keeps having things come up or doesn’t want to do it that night. So she doesn’t pay for the month of classes. I want to knock her upside the head!! I could go any time I wanted, once she buckles down and uses the credit card he gave her. It kind of feels like she is doing it on purpose because she doesn’t like him spending money on ME.

He says she keep tabs on his spending on other women, to make sure he doesn’t “get taken advantage of” and that she was a little concerned one night when he bought my kids pizza. I’m like wtf? I never asked for that, it was his idea, so I wouldn’t have to cook dinner. She was just being passive aggressive, or so it seems.

In any case, he did pay to have the A/C on my van temporarily fixed, which was $250. He had offered to have his maintenance people come and work on some things on my house, but they still haven’t done that. He did let me drive his SUV for a few days, and gave me a gas card once when I was driving my kids to their dad’s, that I ended up putting about $150 on.

If it weren’t for those little side benefits though, I’d probably lose interest pretty quickly. He sometimes acts like he wants more with me, but I don’t like the whole situation all that much. It makes me feel like I’m being treated second rate. He CLAIMS not to see me that way at all and that he wants a “relationship” with me, but the actions seem to say differently. I asked what he meant by that and he said I’d have “more rules”. Uh, no thanks…haha

The Cohort kind of called me on this. He said its not fair of me to expect to be on par with the girlfriend. He was like they had their thing going first and you knew what you were getting into. According to him, he wouldn’t care if it was him in a similar situation with a couple. He’s like, this guy is spending all kinds of money on you so what are you complaining about? LOL

Yeah, I guess he has a point, but I still feel like they don’t really respect me as a person. They are not thinking of ME as a human being with my own set of emotions and wants and desires but just as someone there to fulfill their agenda. This is why I’m not really a good “unicorn”. I don’t like it. I don’t like having my lower position in their little whatever they have rubbed in my face. I’m still going along with it, for now, but we will see how long that lasts.

Oh and I don’t think I told you all about the pole. When I suggested the pole dancing lessons, Mr. Poly and the girlfriend were so excited about it that he ran out and bought a pole for their house. He actually set aside an entire room devoted to pole dancing. It has the pole in the middle, speakers built into the ceiling and a mirror along one wall, as well as disco lights. He’s getting some lounge furniture to go with it.

Great! I wish I had a practice pole at my house but I don’t. He said I could come there to practice but it’s half an hour away so not much chance to do that often.

He was very excited to show me the room and it did LOOK great, but there was one problem. The GIRLFRIEND had put up the pole and it wasn’t stable. It’s like a tension rod style instead of one of the good ones that is secured into the ceiling. SO, when he and I were there alone and I was waiting for him to come upstairs, I decided to give it a practice whirl.

Guess what happened? The whole thing slipped out from under me on the wood floor and came crashing down on my head and made a hole in the wall. Not only that, but it made a big gash in my forehead. I may have a lifelong scar. :/

Thankfully its pretty small and he had run to the store to get me some liquid bandage (at my request). Its mostly healed up but yeah, hope it doesn’t leave a scar. Ugh. My head was bleeding and he still wanted to have sex with me and take a few pictures. He said he felt really bad. I’m sure he did.

His girlfriend claimed to have used the pole the night before, but there is no way she was really doing anything on it for it not to have slipped. Makes you wonder if it was a setup?! I don’t know if she hates me that much though, lol.

The Cohort says I’m the best looking of the women (he saw a picture of our night out) and should easily be able to “take over”. I’m like, I’m not trying to do that!! LOL He’s like “why not??” but that’s really not on my agenda. :p

Anyway, I don’t know. The girlfriend seemed for a bit like she was warming up to me but I still feel like she resents my presence. Yet she goes along with it all, probably because he is providing for her, a house, money and all that. I guess it still remains to be seen what else will come of this. For a minute there I thought I was going to be in bed with him and BOTH other women. I wonder if there is anyone else?

Communication with the Cohort

pillow-talk-toni-thorne

 

I’ve been hanging out with the Cohort quite a bit lately. Last night we went to a swinger party. I’m really liking him and the way he handles situations with me. We seem to be on the same page about a lot of things.

He SEEMS to be indicating that he wants a more “serious” relationship with me. By “serious” I do not mean “monogamous”. A lot of the things he says and does, though, seem to indicate he wants something more long term. I’m okay with that. Very okay with that. 🙂 But I’m not going to push it.

I’m excited, but tentative. I know there are a lot of things that might hold a man back from wanting anything other than just sex with me. Still, so far he does not seem intimidated, so we will see. He keeps saying I seemed to have come into his life at just the right time, when he was on the fence regarding monogamy vs. swinging. I guess I’m like the perfect compromise. 😉

We had a good talk before going to the party. Our final decision was that we would be free to play separately, rather than try to find the perfect people to play with together. No handcuffing one another. We COULD also play together if there were a group situation going down. He even let me know he’d be okay with threesomes, whether they were with me and another girl, or me and another guy (see why I’m liking this guy??). If one of us were going off or using the hotel room (the party was held at a hotel), we’d text to let the other know where we were at.

He got a room with double beds, one would be for play and the other kept clean for us to sleep on. At the end of the night it would be just he and I in there and no one else allowed to stay. If any gangbang situations went down, I probably wouldn’t be a part of it, though he might.

I didn’t even tell him about the gangbang thing the other night. A couple of guys (including Mr. Firm) advised me not to if I’m thinking more serious with him. I’m not obligated to tell him what I do at this point outside of at parties, and why risk possibly upsetting him?

So I said nothing about that, BUT he knows I have had negative experiences in the past. We’ve talked about it. What’s kind of ironic is that he’s been in a LOT of gangbangs. Like, more than your average Joe, haha. He was involved in some things that actually ended up being a big scandal that I can’t talk about on my blog. In any case, it was all consensual and not pushed. I like that he has been very open with me about that.

Anyhow, in keeping with the gangbang theme, some kind of crazy stuff came out right before this party went down last night. In fact, right after we pulled up to the hotel and were walking across the parking lot to check in. SOMEHOW, we had gotten to talking about this girl he used to date that went to my high school. Through her, he had met some people from my hometown.

He just happened to bring up, this one guy he said he had met, who really got on his nerves. There was some situation where he happened to be in a bar, with the ex girlfriend from my town, but they were no longer dating. He had temporarily broken up with this other girl he was dating and she happened to be there too.

Okay, so THIS GUY was trying to hit on her and telling the Cohort he was going to get her, without knowing that it was a girl he had been seeing. I guess he wasn’t saying because he was there with the other girl. In any case she was shutting him down (I’m guessing more because he was there watching than anything ) and dude was really starting to get to him.

ANYHOW, this is all important only because guess who the guy was??? The freaking guy I was IN LOVE with way back when I was 18, (before I met my ex husband) and who massively hurt me by trying to push me into a gangbang when we were dating.

I mean it was awful. We were in a hotel room, I was naked, because I’d had sex with him. These other guys (10-15 of them) had come in the room and they stole my clothes. I didn’t end up doing anything with them because I started crying and asking him not to let them touch me. He finally ended up telling them to back off, putting his clothes on me and driving me home in his underwear. But not after trying to coerce me into doing it by telling me if I “really loved” him I would.

It was pretty traumatic at the time. I don’t even like talking about it too much here on my blog because I know a lot of people would not understand some of it or why I would even have fallen for this guy in the first place. He was also there when I was 15 and the first time I ever actually got involved in a gangbang.

That time it was most definitely not something I wanted to do. He was the one standing there saying “man, she’s scared, I don’t want to do this” over and over again, but he’d gone along with it. He was 19 at the time, at least one of the other guys was 21…I don’t even want to get into it. The reason it is even relevant is that he brought it up in the second scenario (after we’d continued fucking for 3 years) and was like “you’ve done it before” as part of his reasoning that I would do it again.

Please, if you are reading this and it upsets you, I understand, but don’t tell me what I “should” have done in those situations or regarding dating him later on. I know. I was young and made a lot of bad decisions that I can’t go back and change now. Like it or not, a few years down the road I fell in love with this guy, and I mean hard. It took me years to get over what happened with him.

Honestly, I don’t think he did much better. He would try to sabotage my dating other guys after that. Like any time he would see me out at a club or something, he would try to get the guy alone and tell him I had a boyfriend, make threats to him, or tell lies about me to keep him away. He even did that to the guy I had the affair with (who is his half brother, complicated, I know).

He tries to malign me. 20 years later. Its all kinds of fucked up. Especially because he will still like, poke me on Facebook. He did it again a couple of days ago. He’s tried asking me out for drinks too and I shut him down in sort of a mean way (not that he didn’t deserve it). Yet I’ve been friendly other times and even have him on my Facebook page. Don’t ask, lol. It will never make sense. I made the mistake of having sex with him ONE time, after the incident too, despite everything. It was the day before I went away for college and I haven’t seen him since.

Ugh. I’m sure that was painful to read. It paints my decisions in a pretty bad light (and they were) as well as the guys involved. That may be true but I was young and dumb and sometimes you just do stupid stuff.

SO, when the Cohort brought him up I was like OMG, no…not him…hahahaha. Of ALL freaking people! When I first said I knew him he asked “did you fuck him?” and said he had heard this guy was running through all kinds of women. I said yes and he said (jokingly-not serious at all) “Man, I just lost a little bit of respect for you”. I told him that doesn’t even scratch the surface and let him drag it out of me that we had dated.

Later on, sometime in the middle of the night, and after some drinks, we got to talking about this again and it all came out. The whole story about this guy. To my relief, he took it like a champ. 😉 He wasn’t bothered by it at all and didn’t bat an eye when I said I’d gone back and fucked him again or any of the other messed up stuff.

His reaction was “you are ‘well traveled’…I like that about you, you’re a good girl” (makeout session) Ha… He said the only person it made him think worse of is the guy, who he already didn’t like, lol. He said it helped him understand my leeriness towards the whole gangbang thing too, that none of the ones he has been involved with had ever been like that. The women always were fully on board.

It felt good to get all that off my chest, to someone who wasn’t judgmental about it. A lot of men would be. Apparently not him though. He reminds me a little bit of Mr. Firm. I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot between the two of them, for real. 🙂

I mentioned Mr. Firm to him, briefly, because there is a very slight possibility he could be at this lake party we are planning to go to soon. I wanted him to know if he is, that is someone I’d definitely want to have some time with. His reaction was “I can tell you like this guy by the tone of your voice” lol. I said well, yeah, he is a good guy and I don’t have a negative word to say about him. He just said he was glad that I was associating with good men now (yeah, he still doesn’t know about that other night, but whatever, I’m done with Cousin 3 and his crew for sure).

So, its all good. The party went pretty well. He played but I didn’t. It was with a woman I knew he would play with beforehand, a married woman he has known longer than me. For a minute it bothered me, even though I knew it shouldn’t, and he didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve met her before and she seems nice and not catty or competitive.

I know she likes him and also that she fucked like 5 other men earlier in the week. He said he wasn’t going to lie that kind of threw HIM off for a bit even though they aren’t like boyfriend/girlfriend but any time you are fucking someone it can mess with your emotions a bit. I get that, totally. I think probably everyone has feelings like that, even though hearing about him feeling jealous over someone else maybe gave me a little twinge too. Things can get kind of complicated in the Lifestyle, lol.

Afterwards, he made a point of paying attention to, and reconnecting with me, so that helped. He wanted to talk about how I felt about it and said he’d kind of rushed things with her and not even cum because he was worried about getting back to me. So we still have some things to iron out there, but its nice to have open communication about it.

I COULD have played but I chose not to. While he was gone I danced and talked with another guy but I just wasn’t feeling him. He didn’t appear to be trying to get me back to his room at first and was just talking about taking me to dinner (eyeroll) and I admit a part of me wanted to push for it, just to even the “score” and because the Cohort was fucking someone and it felt unfair. Despite those passing thoughts, when the dude jokingly slipped his hotel room key down the cleavage of my dress, I didn’t bite. I didn’t want to play with someone just for that reason.

Anyhow, I got lots of playtime in with the Cohort that night as well as talking about everything under the sun. There wasn’t a lot of sleeping going on, lol. We went out for breakfast in the morning and I’m feeling pretty good about it all.

FMF Fail….

jealous woman

Meeting with this new guy, who calls himself “poly,” has been interesting. I finally met his “open” girlfriend, of 3 years. He asked me beforehand not to mention our little rendezvous at the casino, saying that she had been “depressed” at the time, so he didn’t think it was a good idea to tell her. Red flag? Probably, but I went along with it.

I’m thinking if there is any reason she might be bothered by this at all, then maybe it isn’t quite the scenario he made it out to be. According to him, she is perfectly fine with him fucking other women, though she chooses only to sleep with him. He said sometimes she even just likes to watch, and that she was eager to meet me.

We met at a Bob Evans for brunch. Mr. Poly and his girlfriend were already in the lobby, which was quite packed, and it looked like they may have been arguing. I was in a cute, but not especially revealing, sundress. I didn’t want to look too competitive. She was in jeans and a t-shirt, cute enough, but fairly plain looking, white, and obviously older than I am. She barely acknowledged me when I said hi, though he was friendly.

Because of the crowd, it was decided we would go elsewhere and it took driving to a couple of different places before we finally settled on an IHOP near my house. We all rode together in his SUV, with me sitting behind the two of them. They bickered a bit, like an old married couple, and I only interjected a few times, trying to be positive.

During the drive, I overheard a conversation between them that seemed to be about another woman he was seeing, someone he had mentioned to me before. Apparently, he had let her rent a house from someone he knows and she was supposed to be paying rent, but isn’t. The girlfriend was complaining about this woman calling her and that she didn’t want to be brought into whatever the issues were between the two of them. My red flag alarm sounded again.

We had a really sweet waitress but the woman seemed less than friendly towards her. She wasn’t awful or anything, just not super polite. Maybe it’s me, but I generally try to be nice to people that are serving me somewhere (and if I’m the one paying I make sure to leave a nice tip). She also cut her mouth somehow while eating her omelette and it was bleeding a bit, so that probably made her even more cranky. All in all, it wasn’t going that well.

We made small talk but it was a little awkward. The girlfriend, and Mr. Poly, are both from a richer area of the city, where they tend to be a bit snobbish. He didn’t seem bothered but she made a comment about not having ever been in this area, and seemed kinda uncomfortable with it. I really like it here. It’s pretty racially diverse and some people assume that means “ghetto,” even though it’s really not.

Anyhow, it was okay but I wasn’t thinking I would want to have sex with this woman. Nevertheless, he texted me later and told me that she liked me and thought I was sweet. Really? I couldn’t tell, but okay. Maybe she just seemed standoffish because she was nervous or something.

He really wanted us all to go out together and go dancing. He said he would be willing to pay for babysitting (and offered to pay about double the amount I said I would need) so I agreed to go out to a club. They were really talking this place up and it was funny because it is the same place the Pilot had driven me past previously and told me about.

According to the Pilot, this is sort of a “Lifestyle” club. When I mentioned it to the Cohort, he laughed and said it was an old people’s hangout. He says it’s where guys like them go to pick up easy, old, broads when they are hard up. Aha, well, at least he’s honest about it.

I met them there one evening later in the week. I couldn’t get out as early as planned, so they were drinking when I arrived. The girlfriend was a bit sloshed already. There was another guy with them, someone Mr. Poly had mentioned and his girlfriend had complained about over brunch. He’s a hard-up, recently divorced, and still depressed, friend of his. I was hoping it wasn’t a set up.

There was also a table of Mr. Poly’s work connections that he said he wasn’t expecting to see that night. I made sure to be on fairly good behavior and made a point of talking to the friend, even though there was no way in hell I would fuck him. Toward the end of the night I was actually letting Mr. Poly buy drinks for me and passing them to this guy, lol, because he said he was broke and no one ever buys drinks for him. I wasn’t trying to get trashed because I had to drive back later.

The girlfriend was a little more friendly, maybe? Not really though, she mostly was asking Mr. Poly to dance with her. He didn’t as often with me, but he did some, and told me when it was just the two of us that he had been researching me on the internet and found a wedding picture of me with my ex husband! I was kind of shocked that was even out there but found it myself later.

He commented on how good looking my ex husband was, as though he were surprised. I guess when I talk about him he doesn’t exactly sound hot, but I wasn’t attracted to him for no reason! LOL He is a nice looking guy, still, but I am not attracted to him at all whatsoever anymore. Six pack abs mean nothing when you act the way he does. At least I got some really cute kids out of the deal.

We drank and danced to some older music and I got asked to dance by some older men. Later in the night a guy showed up who was closer to my age, and visiting from out of town. He was an orthopedic surgeon and pretty cute, but short and a little too skinny for me. He looked about 21, but said he was 35.

We were standing at the bar and he was buying drinks when Mr. Poly appeared and pulled him aside. When he left, the guy told me “I just got the prom talk”. I was like WTF? He said he told him he’d better treat me well or he would be after him, or something to that effect. Um…okay. A couple minutes later the girlfriend showed up and invited us back over to the table with them.

The surgeon was like “looks like Mommy and Daddy don’t want you back here with me” and laughed, but we went over and they acted friendly. The girlfriend, probably at the suggestion of Mr. Poly, asked the surgeon to dance, but he later came back to me again. Meanwhile Mr. Poly said something about how I am “in the circle now” and that they would “take care of me” and make sure I am safe. Circle?

Okay, whatever. When I was dancing with the surgeon again, he was fingering me under my dress. We moved to the bar for more of the same and he unbuttoned his pants to slip my hand inside. He was like “I feel like we are in Mommy and Daddy’s basement all over again”.

Mr. Poly and the girlfriend decided it was time to leave and asked me if I was coming with them or the other guy. I didn’t want to be rude, and since he was paying my babysitting, of course I went back with them. He encouraged the surgeon to give me his number though and the guy texted to try to get me to come back to his hotel room. I never made it and he was heading back out of town the next morning. He did call later and say he will contact me if he comes back this way, maybe in a couple of months.

Mr. Poly said he was kind of surprised, but very pleased, that I had chosen to go back with the two of them. He thought I might leave for a younger guy, and was impressed that the man was a surgeon. He said “you did good”.

I rode with them back to a big, expensive looking, house, which turned out to be hers. When I asked him if it was his house he said “kinda” which left me wondering, but she told me inside that it belongs to her. Hmmmm…. On Mother’s Day, he said something about his kids coming home for the holiday, which left me wondering if he is actually lying about being divorced.

Anyhow, we went up to her bedroom. She seemed tired, drunk and grouchy and turned off the lights, then climbed under the blankets, covering her head. He kissed and made out with me a bit in the big master bathroom, in front of the mirror, while sliding off my dress and bra. Once I was standing there in just my thong panties, he beckoned me back to the bed.

He told me to get under the covers and was trying to get her to come out. She was behaving like a wife with a headache. So he slipped on a condom and started fucking me. It was okay, but awkward and uncomfortable, not knowing how she was going to react. I tried to pretend she wasn’t there.

After a bit, he pulled out and tried to coax her into fucking him again. She said something that sounded like she was accusing him of not wearing a condom with me and he argued that yes he did. She finally acquiesced, riding him, while he pulled me up close, playing with my nipple while his arm was around my shoulders. It felt weird.

At some point he slipped on another condom and wanted me to take a turn riding him. Then he pulled her onto his face, so the two of us were bumping boobs. It still felt awkward and she and I were kinda laughing. She got off after a bit and complained of being “tired” so he left her alone and wanted me to suck his dick.

He straddled my face for a little before he turned me around and did me doggystyle. We stopped after a little while and I’m pretty sure none of us got to cum. She still seemed annoyed and irritated and didn’t want to come along when he took me home, though she did hug me goodbye. She was just acting pissed at HIM and refused his overtures.

Ugh. I was hoping he and I could at least finish in the car. He made some jokes about doing that on the way back to my vehicle, but didn’t actually follow through. Ah well…. so much for that!

She texted the next morning and apologized, saying she was drunk and that he had told her she was being mean. She said she hopes we can be friends. I’m not so sure she really meant it.

Meanwhile, he obviously still likes me a lot. He has been contacting me frequently and wanting to talk, offering to do things for me, and saying he wants to see me again. There goes my second experience with FMF…. not much better than the first, lol. I’m thinking you need to have two women who are into it and into each other, as well as don’t feel threatened or jealous, and that just hasn’t happened with me yet.

50 Shades of Red

I am blushing so hotly right now.  I’m about to do something I never thought I’d do. I am going to allow one of the guys I am fucking to read my blog.  He’ll have the key to the window of my deepest inner thoughts.

As all of my regular readers know, I post a LOT of intimate information and private things here.  I make a point of being as real and emotionally honest as possible.  Him reading is not going to change that, so he is going to have to decide for himself whether or not it is something he can handle.  I think for a lot of guys it would be too much to digest and they might want to close the window after taking a little peek.

If any man I know CAN handle this though, it’s Mr. Firm (have fun figuring out why I call you that, lmao).  He’s proven to be one of the most sexually open and nonjudgmental men I’ve yet to meet.  He’s cool, calm and collected and hasn’t flipped out or seemed threatened over the stuff I’ve already told him.  Most especially, he doesn’t seem to apply the double standard that so many men do. I love that.

So, if he doesn’t mind reading about things like my fuck buddy’s dick size or my thoughts about possible gangbangs with him and his friends (lmfao, I am sure you will enjoy that post), or learning about what exactly I did and thought at that last party after he left the scene, in gruesome detail, well, then here you have it! 

This should be fun and I admit to being a little bit turned on by being exposed like this, but I’m also WAY nervous, haha!  I’ve never let anyone I know in real life see my blog and a whole nother side of what goes on in my head, besides what I do with my body.  I’m going to be picturing him reading this, staring at me with that intense passion that he has during sex.  I’ve never had a guy look at me like that.  Sometimes I can barely return his gaze, it’s so dominant and unwavering, makes me feel like he is piercing my soul.  I’m almost afraid I’m not going to be able to look him in the eye ever again, haha.

It reminds me of back in middle school, when I had my first official “boyfriend”.  He was a nice looking, shorter than me (hey, we were in middle school, give the guy a break, 😉 ), Italian guy with dark hair and eyes.  We’d spent a lot of time flirting with each other in class before he ever asked me out.  He asked over the phone and we spent hours talking.  Then, after it was official, and everyone knew we were going out, I’d see him at school and suddenly, even him walking down the other side of the hallway, was sooo mortifying that I had to duck into the bathroom with all my girlfriends to hide.  I was too afraid to talk to him face to face!  Lmao!  Obviously that relationship didn’t last long. Ha!

Anyhow, I feel like someone is about to read my diary.  I want to crawl through the floor.  My “crush” has found me out!  (I do talk about him an awful lot, lol, he may be surprised).  I THINK he knows that my feelings are harmless, since I’m not intending to take them anywhere and know full well he is happy in his situation, which I am not trying to change. 

Yet, I want him to see it.  He’s the only guy that has expressed a REAL interest in reading what I have to say, even though others have heard I have a blog.  I trust him, as unusual as that may be, for me.  He’s shown again and again that he means what he says, and here is what he said, verbatim:  “I’m sure even if I thought whoa about what ever you have written, I’m not givin up the great sex. Fuck that.  Lmfao”.  Haha, I’m gonna hold him to that because I don’t want to give it up either!!  😀

So here goes…. I am off to go hide my face somewhere, after I give him the link!  LMAO!  Enjoy!! 😉 🙂

 

 

Missed opportunity? :/

gb

So Mr. Firm is off in another state with his old buddies from college now.  He had actually invited me to come along tonight, though I had some doubts as to whether or not that would work out.  He mentioned it before we had sex and I said I would think about it and let him know afterwards, once we had met in person. While we were lying in bed talking, after orgasms, he brought it up again. 

At first I wasn’t sure.  I don’t know anything about these men, have never so much as seen a picture, and didn’t know how much pressure I would be under to sleep with them.  However, he said they were both attractive, both policemen and both able to get plenty of pussy on their own so there wouldn’t be any pressure if I didn’t want to play with them.  

I still wondered, because first of all this is their little male bonding trip, lol.  I didn’t want to be tagging along like a ball and chain, though I didn’t say so out loud.  He had all his golf clubs there with him at the hotel and was telling me all about their plans to go out at night.  He mentioned that we could all go out to the club together that night and end up doing whatever afterwards. 

Either way, it’s a little over a 2 hour drive, so lots of gas money….and time.  Still, it was starting to sound tempting.  I totally could see myself as the center of attention with 3 handsome, athletic men in a hotel room, haha.  I know I’ve said before that I was done with this kind of thing, due to experiences when I was younger, but I’d be lying if I said there aren’t SOME things about it that are appealing.

What mostly holds me back isn’t that it doesn’t sound hot, but fear.  The fear isn’t anything about how I would experience the sex myself but about how THEY might view it, or treat me afterwards.  I’ve come across way too many men that see acts like this as degrading to a woman.  If their attitude was positive, then great, it could be a lot of fun but if not, then I could be left feeling pretty awful, or even abandoned.  Abandonment is a big issue for me and these guys both live a couple states away in different directions so unlikely I would see them again.

Mr. Firm is pretty cool and I don’t get the feeling he’d be that way at all.  Still, the other guys, I know nothing about.  Well, I know one is on the swinger site, and the other wants to be but isn’t yet.  They are both in relationships (no idea if swinging is “approved” by their significant others or not) and were in Mr. Firm’s fraternity in college and played sports together.  He says they had a bit of popularity due to having a great team and winning all the time, and got involved in some pretty crazy amounts of sex back then too.  So they aren’t rookies or anything, lol, but they heard about swinging and his success on the site from Mr. Firm and thought it sounded fun.

Still, knowing all that, it was sounding tempting to me, and I probably would have made the trip down there.  In the end though, it was Mr. Firm’s decision that we’d maybe be better off not and risking an awkward situation.  I’d told him that I couldn’t promise or guarantee that I would sleep with them until after meeting and wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun if I got down there and didn’t want to do it.  He totally understood and said the guys were law enforcement officers so wouldn’t want to make me uncomfortable in any way. 

Sigh…. I didn’t want to appear pushy or overeager in any way so I didn’t really let him know how likely I would probably have been to do it.  A mistake?  Maybe.  But then he may have just been using that as an excuse to not have me in the way of their going out and having guy time and I didn’t want to mess with that either.  Or maybe his friends decided I was butt ugly and didn’t want to fuck with me, haha.  Doubtful though, I don’t generally seem to have that issue with men.  Could be they just weren’t into the group idea and wanted to find women for themselves, or already did last night, haha.  I wouldn’t doubt that at all! 😉

 Part of me was thinking these guys are way too “nice” and disappointed that it didn’t work out.  But at the same time, it may be for the best.  Mr. Firm has made it pretty clear that he wants to see me again.  He says he really wished it could have worked out and he didn’t mean with me just being with all them.  I was like “Oh, I’m not saying that couldn’t be fun, lmao, just can’t guarantee anything”…and I can’t, but still…it COULD have been fabulous.  He commented on how much of a blast he had the other night and that he likes me even more because I am so easygoing.  Blah…

He’s been cool as a cucumber so far but now I wonder if I’ll ever have that kind of opportunity with him again.  He’s probably put me into the “doesn’t do that sort of thing” category.  Booo!  His attitude here at the end (and maybe he was getting it from the other guys because he said they were talking about it) was that he wouldn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable situation.  Then he sort of acted like he thought it might be degrading towards me or something.  Or, like he likes me too much now to want to share.  Dammit! 

It’s kind of like this guy who gave me the flowers and wants to get to “second base”.  He looked at my cleavage when we were sitting on the couch together the other night and was like “I’m going to be good”.  I even made a comment about how he didn’t need to be but he never tried anything.  Then afterwards he texted to say how bad he had wanted me!!  He asked if I would have done anything with him and I said yeah, probably, and he freaked out!  My phone rang and it was him demanding to know WHY I would have done something with him that night??  I was like “why not??”  and he said he was kicking himself now.  SMDH….

I hate it that men seem to think they need to treat me as innocent and sexually delicate.  I really like it when a man gets more aggressive about things, though a lot of guys seem to confuse that with PUSHY, which I don’t like.  I mean the two cops?  Come on, did they think I was going to cry rape after agreeing to sleep in a hotel room with 3 men?  Um, not unless I’d blatantly told them NO and they kept pushing or something. 

Speaking of pushy, this young guy that I slept with last year keeps harassing me to see him tonight.  His texting is driving me nuts.  Just another reason I’m not that into the younger guys.  I told him sorry I couldn’t make it tonight and he just keeps pushing and pushing and asking why and saying he can come over and help me with whatever needs to get done.

I don’t like dealing with the immaturity and even though he’s really cute I just don’t have the desire to fuck him.  When I did it felt weird, like he was too wowed by my “older woman” skills or something, haha.  He’s 13 years younger than me and it makes me feel a little bit creepy and awkward.  I really need someone who can dominate me and it’s hard to get in that mental state with someone so young.

 Really, I just am not interested in seeing him right now.  He wasn’t offering to take me anywhere and just wants to come to my house, which means extra cleaning and work that I don’t feel like doing tonight.  I want a break and the Producer will be here at a hotel tomorrow so it’s not like I won’t be getting some more sex.  So here I am writing my blog!! 😉  Hope all of you all are having a more exciting night than me!!

 

 

Sometimes sharing sucks!

sharing

Sharing someone you have feelings for is scary. It’s HARD knowing that person you care so much about is naked in bed with another person, maybe right now. It’s one thing to SAY you are theoretically “okay” with it and quite another to follow through with the experience of waiting while you know the person you’ve got it bad for is fucking another person and you have no idea or control over what is going on. Your imagination can run at full speed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for this.

I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about having a polyamorous orientation and acting as though some people just ARE and some aren’t. I’m really not so sure. If that’s the case, I don’t think I would qualify. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with different people, I do, but because when I develop feelings for someone my very natural inclination is to be exclusive with them, especially emotionally.

In order for me to swing or have sex with someone else when I’m deep in the throes of emotions with someone is honestly kind of difficult. So why do I do it?

For me, right now, (and this is always subject to change) I push myself to continue with other men because I can see the consequences ahead if I DON’T. I guess you can say I’m taking a logical approach to it all, even though this isn’t a brand of logic everyone would understand! I may appear to an outsider to be jumping on every cock I can because I’m out of control insanely horny and while there is some truth to the being horny part (lol) it’s a lot more calculated than it appears.

I look at it like this. I am falling in love with the Professor. I see it, I feel it, I know it’s coming, though I’m not at the point where I flat out tell him that yet, and I suspect he feels the same way about me. I know though, that “in love” is a temporary feeling. I know it doesn’t last forever, really for much of anyone. I’m not arguing that you can’t love a person forever. I’ll love my kids and my siblings forever, but that “in love” romantic feeling is fleeting.

I adore the Professor. I like him more and more all the time and feel increasingly affectionate towards him. Right now a big part of me wants him ALL TO MYSELF. Especially, when I’m lying there in bed with him or sharing incredible one on one sex. I also just really like him as a person. He’s wonderful. He listens to me and is supportive and sweet and kindhearted. Like anyone else, he’s not perfect but I can respect him and love spending time with him. He treats me well, probably better than any guy ever has in my life and I love that. Did I mention he’s GREAT in bed??

However, there are a couple of things here. We STARTED this relationship as swingers. Well, we met on a swinger site and the second night we spent together was fucking a bunch of other people. When I met him I already had a few guys in my life that I’m not totally willing to let go. I’m not currently “in love” with any of them but there are reasons I might not want to completely shut them out, especially the married man and the guy I had the affair with.

Some of those reasons are a bit shallow. The married man? How could I ever say no to sex like that? I just CAN’T. If you’ve ever had just totally incredible, mind blowing sex with someone maybe you’ll understand. Even though it’s been quite a while since he and I have gotten together, I don’t know if I’m EVER willing to completely shut that out as a possibility. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I love so much about the sex with the Professor that in some ways it is even better.

Emotionally it is INCREDIBLE, and he gives me tons of orgasms as well, but my experiences with the married guy were so out of this world amazing that the temptation to engage in that again would be SO STRONG. Honestly I don’t know how I could ever stop having sex with the Professor either but at least this way if one of them drops out of my life forever I still have the other.

The guy I had the affair with, well, that goes a bit deeper. We really don’t even talk much now but just knowing he is THERE and knowing if I ever need him he probably still will be, means a lot. I hope and think he feels the same way. We even missed out on seeing each other recently and we could have when I was in town and that was okay, but I’m not ready to write him off. There are things he understands and gets about me that very few people do, due to our shared experiences and friends and family, where we grew up, our relationships with all these people and the times he has been in my life.

Recently when I was home visiting and my mom asked me for money, only to turn around and use it to buy cigars so she could make blunts to share with my siblings, getting high while I was downstairs watching all the kids. Well, not a lot of people would know how I felt at that moment but he would. I texted the Professor and his response was “that’s crazy!!” Maybe it is, but not in my world. It’s typical behavior from my mom and the affair guy knows and understands because he deals with the same sort of thing with his dad and siblings too and is in a similar position to me in that regard. I appreciate being able to talk to the Professor as well, but it’s nice to be understood sometimes and that aspect of my friendship with Mr. Affair is inexplicable. He was there and helped me realize that my marriage was emotionally abusive and that I needed to get out, he knew me when I was a teenager and he knows and gets where I’m coming from because he’s been there too.

My fuck buddy or my FWB I could give up if I needed to, but I don’t have to. The nice part about being “poly” is that you can keep the people in your life that you want and don’t have to shut them out just because of someone new. I’m sure the Professor feels the same way about this married woman in his life. I’d personally like her to be gone, but because of the nature of our relationship I don’t push him to get rid of her.

Then there is the fact that a big part of our relationship is BASED on doing things like going to swinger parties together and the possibility of meeting with others for sex. I can’t deny that I enjoy the excitement of it all! I look forward to new adventures and at least it’s not boring! I also love being able to be real with one another about our sexual activities and not having to hide the fact that we are sleeping with anyone else. I love that I can have sex with another guy and he will still want me. It’s a new dimension of feeling accepted.

Not to say that any of that is easy, for either one of us, because it isn’t. Recently when I slept with my fuck buddy the Professor had a hard time, even though he had been with another woman at a party not too long before that. For a while afterwards he feels upset and sometimes angry with me, though he knows and admits it isn’t logical and that they are just feelings. He said it really bothered him when I said I missed him soon after having had sex with someone else and he doesn’t like to hear that on the same day. The truth is I really DID miss him but I do see how it could be upsetting even if hearing that would mostly be REASSURING to ME were the roles reversed.

Sex with another man, believe it or not, sometimes has that effect on me. It actually makes me want to reconnect and be with the Professor MORE because he is my favorite and the only person I am currently emotionally attached to. Even during our first swinger party, when we were sleeping with a bunch of others, the highlight of the event, for me, was getting to be back in his arms, with him inside me, as the grand finale! Already, we seemed to have that emotional bond.

All that said though, we both have been struggling with the sharing thing. As I said, it’s HARD when you are so into someone. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild or to be affected by hurt feelings and fear of loss. While it’s easy to say I don’t want to be monogamous, the actual practice of sharing your favorite lover is a real challenge sometimes.

Like recently the Professor was travelling to the city near where the married woman lives for a tournament game. He had plans to meet with her and it was really stressing me out. I tried to keep it to myself and push it out of my mind as much as possible but it was still affecting me.

They were gonna see each other on Saturday night and Thursday I was coming over to his house to be together. I tried and tried not to think about it but I feel like the sex was affected. Even though HE was doing everything right as usual, I had a much harder time orgasming with him. I WANTED to, especially because there is that impetus to outdo the competition, but I was struggling. It’s like I couldn’t completely let go and be as vulnerable with him as I usually am. I needed to put up a wall to protect myself from the possibility of hurt when he was with her. :/

Now don’t get me wrong, I still came a handful of times, but I also “missed” several orgasms. It was like I’d build up to that point and just couldn’t let myself open up all the way with him. We didn’t even make as much eye contact as usual and I think a lot of it was me and fear of what was to come. I don’t know how much of it was apparent to him but he did comment afterwards that I wasn’t quite as loud as “usual”. :/ We still had a great time and connected and laying with him afterwards, his arms wrapped protectively around me, was comforting, but still that lingering fear.

So when he headed out of town and I had decided to go up and visit my family (actually not too far from where he was) that weekend as well, I think both of us were a bit worried. He asked me several times about my plans to meet up with other men and both the married man and the guy I had the affair with live up that way so were possibilities.

At first the married woman had planned to spend the night with him in the hotel and I was so on edge it was driving me nuts. Sex was one thing, but sleeping in his arms afterwards is another. It was a painful reminder that they have been emotionally and not just sexually involved and also that I don’t get to stay overnight with him that often due to my ex not taking the kids usually for more than a few hours at a time.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept trying to take my mind off of it, focusing on my trip and other things but it wasn’t easy at all. It was because of this that I even considered seeing the other guys because I would actually be pretty busy between visiting family and taking care of my children. I wanted to have something to look forward to and to ease my mind off what HE was doing. Flirting and talking to them and discussing the possibility helped a little bit.

Thankfully though, at the last moment the married woman’s husband decided to pull the plug on their rendezvous. She had told the Professor that he was “acting funny” about it and I guess he changed his mind. Funny thing is last time he didn’t want them to play either. I have to wonder what is going on there. Part of me thinks if she REALLY wanted to she could either convince him or find a way to do it any way so it makes me wonder. Women do sometimes use their husbands as a “reason” for something they don’t want to do. Why she wouldn’t want to sleep with him though, is beyond me, so maybe it really is him. Maybe he doesn’t like the emotional things he sees going on with them either. She hasn’t come down to see HIM in months and they used to meet once a month, before I came on the scene and for a few months after.

Part of me felt bad for him for missing out on that opportunity, but at the same time I was relieved. I really didn’t want them to be together. To me she is the main threat to our relationship. I’d really kind of prefer she drop out of the picture all together but I’m not in a position to demand that since we are open and even if I was there is no guarantee. People are gonna do what they are gonna do, even if it means cheating, for a lot of folks. Might as well be up front and at least KNOW what the hell is going on instead of trying to cover things up.

So knowing that and due to my already full schedule I decided to opt out of spending time with either the married man or the affair guy. Not to mention because of time constraints either of those opportunities would have been short and maybe had to happen in the car, lol. I admit I am curious what the married guy could do during car sex though!! Haha I have a feeling he’d still make it pretty darn hot. When I mentioned the car thing to the Professor he was like “what, he’s too cheap to get a hotel?”

Yeah, he doesn’t like the other guys. :p The married guy, I think he could get a hotel but I know it’s more risky when you are married and you have to be careful not to let that stuff show up on statements where your spouse could see it. He’s told me before he has a separate account in another city that his wife doesn’t know about but he has to access it on a weekday and I hadn’t told him I was coming until the last minute. In any case, we didn’t meet. He called me on Sunday and I was too busy to answer the phone and didn’t call back because he’d said to make sure not to call or text unless he did first.

Oh and there is this little tidbit that has been freaking me out about Mr. Married guy lately. He is obsessed with the idea of getting me pregnant!! Now, he claims he would give me all kinds of money and let me live in his extra house and take care of everything, but he also asked me if I would be willing to give up the Professor for him, and all other guys. :/ I just don’t want to do THAT even as tempting as some of it sounds and trusting him to do what he says he will is a tad dubious at this point anyway. When I asked about his wife in all of this he said she wouldn’t ever have to find out. Yeaaaaah, I can’t see ANYTHING possibly going wrong there now, can you? :p

On that topic he told me recently that he came inside me the first time we had sex! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I am sure I would have been freaking out if I’d thought that was even remotely possible, so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what? He didn’t wear a condom, so it was pretty reckless in that regard but coming inside of me? Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw where he came but could he have cum another time and I didn’t know??

As far as the condom is concerned, I had told him beforehand that I was assuming he’d wear one but it was dark enough in the room that I couldn’t tell for sure at first if he was or not! He’d been going down on me and making me cum a lot beforehand and when he first slid in I was thinking OMG, is he going bareback? Usually I hate the feel of condoms but sometimes they aren’t as noticeable, still it was feeling awfully good!! Well halfway through or so when I went down on him I could tell for sure. Too late now and the sex was so incredible I didn’t even comment. Dangerous, yes, but I was SURE he pulled out.

Yeah, he’s really pushing the envelope. He keeps saying how he wanted to get me pregnant. What is it with men?? My fwb LOVES to joke about that too and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s “joking” or seriously joking, if you know what I mean. HE always wears a condom but loves to freak me out by doing things like dipping it in a time or two before putting it on to see my reaction. Men…. I thought they were the ones supposed to be so paranoid about pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

The guy I had the affair with, well, I have my suspicions about his current relationship status even though he claims to be single. Then again, he’s got the money so maybe he is just too cheap, at least for a short get together. He’s had me over to his house but it’s only during the day, on a weekday. Hmmmmm…. Ah well…

So anyway, I chose not to see them. Part of me was feeling a little bad for the Prof and not wanting him to hurt while I was off playing and his chance was ruined. I told you all I like him. :/ I think we both slept better that night knowing things were “safe” and we didn’t have to worry. I haven’t had a chance to see him yet since then (and am also on my period) but it will be interesting to see if the orgasming issue just disappears. I have a feeling it will.

Almost compersion…(but not quite)

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This weekend the Professor fucked someone else….and I didn’t even get upset at all. I’m kind of proud of myself! 🙂 This is usually hard for me so maybe I’m on my way to that enlightenment thing after all. 😉

There were several contributing factors that I think made it easier than times before but there were also some stumbling blocks that you would think would have made it difficult. Still I did okay despite it all. I never felt upset with him in the least and am actually slightly even happy that he did. Not jumping up and down happy, but glad that things seem more “fair” than they have the past few months when I’ve really been the only one playing (though he did go to two different swinger parties on his own he says he didn’t have sex with anyone there and he met up with his married friend and her husband recently but also due to circumstances they didn’t sleep together that time).

Anyhow, he was travelling for work and coaching in another city and state a few hours away from here. When he left he said he didn’t have any plans but he had a lot of extra free time in his schedule the day before their game so I was prepared that he might, and he promised to let me know. When he arrived he texted a picture of the suite he’d been set up with and I was thinking, yeah, that would be a shame to sit in a place like that by yourself all night alone…thinking he’d find something to do.

In any case, not long after he got there he texted to let me know he’d been invited to a house party (by some people off the swinger site). He said it would be 5-6 couples and a few single men. He was going to dinner first with the team and afterwards he’d go there. He’d never met any of the people previously. Chances were pretty good he’d end up having sex, though he said he didn’t know for sure.

Meanwhile, I was stuck at home. My kids Dad was out of town and not taking them this weekend, plus I was on my period. Stuck as a duck in quicksand. I didn’t complain though and just asked a few questions. He was very sweet and reassuring, which made me happy because I’ve asked for the reassurance in the past and not felt like I’ve gotten it from him. So even if it was just stuff he was saying to be nice it made me feel better.

Here’s a bit of our text conversation after he told me he’d been invited to the party (minus a few details of time and place/names):

Me: So is that what you are doing tonight?

Prof: I’m still gonna eat with my team. Then I’ll go after that

Me: Ok. Is that like a big orgy or what?

Prof: Is that ok?

Me: You are free to do whatever you want.

Prof: I don’t think so. But they didn’t say that. Most people coming they say they haven’t met.

Me: I’ve never been to a house party. I’m sure you’ll sleep with someone though.

Prof: Would be nice if you were with me though.

Me: Aw 🙂

Me: Miss you. Have fun ok? I’ll try not to stress.

Prof: Not necessarily. I’ve been to a couple but I’ve always known people there. So first time I won’t know anyone.

Prof: It’s hard for people to keep their hands off of you.

Me: Is XXXX a couple or a group that has parties?

Prof: Don’t stress at all. You’re freaking hot and you make me cum so hard.

Me: Oh, I’m sure they’ll have their hands all over you, lol

Prof: Just saying that’s not always the case.

Prof: Plus, you make me look good. 🙂

Me: LMAO. You look good on your own baby. 😉

Me: So will you text after you get back? Or whenever they leave if you bring someone back to your hotel?

Prof: Thanx. But people really want to fuck you!!! And I know why 😉

Me: 🙂 🙂 Thank you. They want to fuck you too, lol. And so do I. Miss you.

Prof: If you want me to I will. But I don’t plan on bringing anyone back because I’m 30 min away from them.

Prof: Well thanks, but guys are a dime a dozen. Miss you too.

I’ll spare you all the rest cause I was basically just reiterating please text me when you get back and he said he would and then later texted to tell me the restaurant name of where he was eating and that it reminded him of me. Then I didn’t hear from him for about 4 hours.

Meanwhile I discovered one of my children had HEAD LICE. OMG!! What an effing nightmare!!! SO, I set to work washing and checking heads on mine and random neighborhood kids that were staying the night. UGH, UGH, UGH!! Thankfully only two of mine had it and one has very short hair but yeah, I had to do like 20 loads of laundry and wash and rewash and pick and repick heads and attempt to do my own. I think we are all clear but I’ll be checking every day for at least a week. Yuck!

In any case that kept me busy and maybe was a bit of a blessing in disguise because I didn’t have much time to even think about what the Professor was doing.

When he finally texted later that night he said he had just played with one woman. They went into a bedroom to have sex and her husband watched. He said the party was fun and all the people were nice and social, that the woman was “ok” and that it “would have been more fun” if I had been there. I asked if he thought he’d play with her again and he said he didn’t know, he couldn’t even remember their names.

In any case, his sweetness towards ME made me feel like I didn’t have much to worry about, plus the fact that it seemed to be more of a casual thing and not someone he’s particularly into. So that helped. Probably a lot. I waited awhile to tell him what I’d been going through and he was appropriately sympathetic, lol. Nightmare!!

It’s been a couple days and I’m still not feeling bad about it or anything so I guess that’s good. I’m supposed to see him later in the week. I’m trying not to wonder things like how many hours they were together or what they did. That and I’ve mostly felt like it probably won’t change our relationship at all. I think that’s always a slight fear when someone you are into is with someone else. Is this going to make US any different or how he feels about ME? In this case I think not so it’s not so much of a threat.

I admit I did take a peek at his profile on the swinger site today, to see if the people had validated or said anything about him on there and out of curiosity as to who it was. I didn’t see anything though. Maybe that’s for the best. The more I know the more it COULD have the propensity to bother me or have me making those comparisons.

For now though, I’m ALMOST to that state of compersion. I said “almost”, don’t get too excited, lol. Also, I have some possible plans in the making with a guy halfway across the country who wants to fly me out for some fun soon. I’m not banking on anything for sure until I have the plane tickets but I did mention it to the Professor a couple of weeks ago, so that he would have ample time to make plans if I do. He wasn’t thrilled but said he understood why I would be eager to go on an all expenses paid little mini vacation when it’s offered to me! Anyway, if I do end up getting to do something like that I’ll be a little happier knowing that the Professor has had a chance to have some fun too and less afraid of hurting him.

That’s all for now folks! 🙂