Archives

Another wipeout…

wipeout

Well, Radioman is gone. It looks like it’s pretty much time to wipe the slate clean and start all over again, with new men. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened.

Besides an occasional rendezvous with the CEO, Radioman has been the main man in my life for the past several months. I’ve been seeing him a couple times a week, and felt like the emotional bond was getting stronger. We were casual, but comfortable and seemingly happy. He was my mainstay and I really didn’t feel the need to spend much time with anyone else.

Actually, recently, he had started to express a little more jealousy. When I was out with a girlfriend, he asked me not to sleep with any other men. Yet, at the same time he was asking questions about a possible threesome with her or another woman. Typical. Still, he claimed he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.

On top of that, we had gotten the radio station together with my company to do a little temporary project. It was fun and we were enjoying seeing each other at work. Or so it seemed….

I was really starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Radioman was someone I could see myself with long term. He had started bringing up topics like how he hates living alone and wanted a woman to come home to. He said he missed having someone cook for him and be there to talk to at the end of the day. He even asked me to come over and just be there with him, he said it didn’t have to be all about sex. He even invited me to come cook dinner at his house because my oven wasn’t working, he said just so he could smell the food, even if he wasn’t eating it, lol.

I still had reservations, in the back of my mind. I wondered, could I really be faithful to someone like Radioman? I know he would want that. From what I know of his ex wife, she got BORED. Also, he struggles financially with all the child support he pays, having 3 children with three different women. Then there is the gambling… Yet I thought, maybe. Maybe I am being too picky and can’t afford to be that way. I do really enjoy my time with him and I feel comfortable, if not in love. Maybe I should give it a chance.

All that was blown out of the water very quickly though. First, there was an incident at work where I had to leave early and he was apparently hitting on my co-worker. He added her on Facebook and since I was friends with both of them it popped up.

I was pretty upset. I was MORE upset that he was possibly damaging a relationship with my co-worker than I was worried about how it would affect me and him. I most definitely do not need competition over men at work. A big part of my job is being able to be in good spirits and having fun with the people I work with in order to make sales. I told him if he is pursuing her then we need to be done.

We got into it and he seemed sincerely apologetic. He swore up and down that it was all just friendly and business but she said she had felt uncomfortable with it too. He yelled at me for over an hour about how innocent he was and said that couldn’t I see from all this how much he CARED about me? He said he really only wanted ME and that was why he was here fighting for this relationship, almost like we were “married” (his words). He agreed to delete her and that it wouldn’t happen again.

I finally relented and forgave him and for the next week he seemed much more concerned about showing me he cared. He was going way out of his way to call, text, and invite me over. It was almost to the point of being annoying.

All seemed well, or so I thought. The following weekend it all disappeared. He showed up, at an event he knew I would be working, with a DATE.

He had been texting me repeatedly, throughout the day, asking questions. So he KNEW I was going to be there and knew what time. He even TOLD me he was coming and I said great, maybe I can come hang out with you for a little bit. He insisted that he wouldn’t want me to do that, since he knew I had to make sales. I was like, its really not a big deal I can leave for a while if I want to.

Thirty minutes before he arrived, he texted and told me that since he had extra tickets from the radio station, he was going to meet a friend and “her” kids. That made me feel weird and I wasn’t sure what to think. He and I have never done anything with my children. Still, I thought, okay, maybe I should chill out and its just platonic. He does have a lot of friends.

I saw him, and the woman and her daughter, so he came over and said hi. The woman was ugly, in my opinion, and she kind of hung back a bit. Finally, he introduced us and it all just felt really uncomfortable. I could tell the teenage daughter did not feel good about it. Something wasn’t right.

The longer I worked, while they were walking around doing whatever, the more my blood began to boil. I just couldn’t believe, out of all the places in the city he could have gone, that he brought another woman to the place he knew I was going to be, on what appeared to be a “date”. We hadn’t gone on a date since the first couple of times we were together, before having sex. It seemed very disrespectful and in my face.

I finally texted him later that night and asked him about it. He said I was tripping and that she was just a friend. So I went over to his Facebook page and saw that she had tagged him a couple of days prior, when he took her out to a restaurant for lunch! It happened to be a day that he had told me he was with a “client”. I was PISSED!

So I emailed her on Facebook, told her I was the woman she met and asked what their relationship was. She said they had been friends for a long time, but were on a date and that he was pursuing her hard for a relationship. They hadn’t had sex yet.

I questioned him again and he was still being evasive, until I told him I had talked to HER. She asked me to ask him if he wanted to date her to see what he would say. He wouldn’t answer for a very long time and then he finally asked her to be his girlfriend and told me that is what he had wanted all along.

OUCH. Ouch. Just ouch. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I am glad I confronted it all head on though, rather than allow myself to continue to be disrespected. I blocked him on Facebook and put all his text messages to spam. I can see that he hasn’t tried to contact me anyway, but I feel better not being tempted to respond if he does.

I’m still a little bit shell shocked. It definitely hurt and I cried quite a bit over the abandonment of it all but I know I am going to be okay. I know, logically, that I had questions in my mind about him anyway and that he wasn’t the man for me, but I still felt attached. It had been almost 9 months since we started sleeping together.

It reminds me SO MUCH of what happened with the Producer, if any of you all remember THAT story. Sigh. Why do other women always get chosen over me? This woman wasn’t even physically attractive, that I could see. Her face was sort of worn and leathered, like that of a former drug addict or someone who has had a hard life.

I don’t understand. Maybe its because she was holding out on sex? He was already treating her better than he treated me, from the get go. He took her out to a nicer restaurant, and according to her, to the movies, AND he was taking her to a party at the radio station the next night. Not to mention the event I was working at.

Why? Why? Why? I feel so defeated, like giving up. Is something wrong with me?

A funny twist in it all- the very next night I got asked out on a double date by some guys that live out of town but were working here with me. After dinner, my phone died and I was in the heart of the city trying to figure out how to get home. So, I just started driving and looking for something familiar.

I ended up in the shopping district and got out at a gas station to ask directions. When I walked out of the door, I was standing smack dab in front of the Married Man that I haven’t seen in forever! He said I looked good and he wanted to start seeing me again. I probably would have that night if I hadn’t been on my period. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Maybe again soon.

In the meantime, I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with different guys. I had sex with one. He is a professional boxer and personal trainer and is here from out of town for a tournament. He’s a nice looking guy and has a big dick but there really isn’t a whole lot else to say about him, lol. The sex was decent, but nothing out of this world.

I went out with someone else last night but he definitely wasn’t for me. I guess I just need to keep playing the numbers game and see what I come up with. Wish me luck!

Am I dreaming??

Pinch-Me

Somebody pinch me, this man is just unreal!! I’m completely bowled over by the CEO. Maybe I should have called him “Mr. Incredible”, lol. Seriously….Cohort who? Haha Okay, so there are still some residual feelings there, but it is definitely helping me to get past it.

I’m kind of afraid of how hard I’m starting to fall. I really don’t even know what he wants with me. Is he looking for a relationship? Just sex? It’s hard to tell. On one hand maybe its best to assume he just wants sex, so as not to get my hopes up for anything else, but then I don’t want to act like that’s all I want if he wants more. He did wait 4 dates to try anything on me! Not sure what’s up with that!!

In any case, he’s been like, PERFECT so far!! Our last get together was very recent, when he swung back into town for a couple of days. He acted super excited to see me and we had marathon level, EIGHT HOURS LONG sex! Lol

It was through the roof, off the chain, eight hours of complete BLISS!! Maybe that’s why I can’t seem to think straight! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Then when I told him I’d never had sex for THAT long straight, he said “that’s nothing, we could have kept going!!” Wow….

I’m honestly not sure if I could have kept going! Near the end I gave him an HOUR long blow job and my jaw was pretty sore. He never came though and I finally just gave up! I think he would have liked for me to keep going but I was starting to feel frustrated. He did make a comment afterwards that no other woman has ever even gotten him close to cumming with a bj and that I got him to the brink several times. I guess that’s a positive.

He actually never came at all, though he was hard for pretty much the entire time. It’s hard not to feel like a bit of a failure if a guy doesn’t cum but he made me feel so good otherwise that I’m not too bothered by it. I suspect he’s one of those men that focuses so much on his performance and making ME feel good that he doesn’t really relax enough to get there. Or maybe it’s a control thing- his personality overall is very much “in control” and he is the same way in bed. Anyway, hopefully he will eventually.

He definitely made ME cum a bazillion times! He gives incredible oral and is amazing with his dick. And yes….we had anal again. This time it was a little more painful. Still no lube and it was hard for me to take for very long. I tried though and he called me a “trooper” for it. :p

He’s gone again, out of town, but is keeping in touch. Its funny, a couple days after our encounter I happened to check OKCupid and saw that he had emailed me, over a month ago (that’s how often I read my emails on there, lol- and my mailbox is eternally full). It was during the time when we had lost touch because of Tinder failing to work and he had hit me up on OKCupid, saying “hey stranger!! I’ve been looking for you!!”

It’s kind of amusing to me that I was inadvertently playing hard to get with him. Maybe that played a part in his surprising amount of interest in me! I say surprising, because if I’ve ever felt a man was out of my league, it’s this one! Yet he acts like he really likes me and I’m kind of taken aback.

It’s like what would this guy that’s a super successful millionaire want with a poor single mom like me? Not that he knows all my financial woes, but he saw my old minivan, lol. I wanted to crawl through the floor!

He never acts like he thinks he is better than me and he’s actually been very nice. He’s been super patient when I’ve had to show up hours later than expected, saying its no big deal. Yet I can tell that in his work he is brutal. He has no problem putting people out of their jobs if they don’t do things exactly the way he wants. I made a comment about that and he just laughed and said “honey you have no idea”.

I’m not sure what he is like underneath it all and I’m still trying to figure it out. I love that he emailed me on OKCupid because I had a chance to go over and see his answers to some of the questions on there. We were an 85% match. I saw that he is okay with open relationships and that he doesn’t seem bothered by women who have had a lot of sex. That’s a good start anyway!

We were polar opposite on some things, but most of them dealt more with male/female differences. Like he is your extremely masculine, logical type thinker and I’m the super emotional feminine opposite of him. He also took a test that put him as an ESTJ on the Meyers Briggs Scale and I am an ENFP.

Oh, and he is a Capricorn- first time I’ve ever knowingly slept with one of those, lol. I think I just completed fucking someone from every sign of the zodiac, haha. I am a Virgo and we are supposed to be a good match, though I’m not sure how much I’d actually read into that. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I’m just waiting to find out his flaws. So far they seem few and far between. Maybe he’s a bit coldhearted on the job and kind of controlling but that hasn’t seemed to carry over to me, at least not yet. I’m having a hard time with the idea that he could be living a double life or married and lying about it because he just seems so blunt and honest that its hard to picture. I guess time will tell.

Enough about him though, I have to tell you a funny story about Radioman. The other day I went over to his place, kind of late at night. He had left the door unlocked for me and I walked upstairs to his bedroom, where he was sitting in the dark.

He grabbed me by the arm and hissed, “Come here! You have to see this!!” He handed me a a pair of binoculars and pointed across the street at his neighbors window. The light was on, the curtains were open and two people were clearly fucking. Radioman said “he’s been jackhammering her for a good 15 minutes!” He was all excited about it and like “I KNEW my neighbor was a freak!” He even pulled out a SCOPE so the both of us could see at the same time.

It was like something out of the movies, haha. Men really do this?! The woman was white and the man looked to maybe be hispanic. Radioman said he’d suspected she liked men of color. He’s clearly obsessed, lol.

He also commented about what a nosy neighbor she is. He’s clearly oblivious to the irony of that statement! Haha It cracked me up though!

He told me that later on he talked with her and she mentioned being drunk that night. She didn’t seem to suspect that he’d seen anything. Maybe that’s why the curtains were open but sheesh… that’s almost inviting people to look! The bar she had been at is also popular with some of the swingers in this area, or so I’ve heard (its right down the road from where Radioman lives). I didn’t say anything about that though.

They eventually turned off the light and we got to our own activities. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Radioman is still pretty fun but he’s starting to get possessive. He told me he doesn’t want me having sex with anyone else. Only, he said “we don’t have to be boyfriend or girlfriend or anything and if you want to bring other women over that is fine”. I’m so not agreeing to that. Typical.

Oh, and another update- remember the man I fucked after the funeral? A couple times we halfheartedly texted each other and talked of maybe meeting, but it never went anywhere. Then, all of a sudden I see that he is “in a relationship” with a girl I also reconnected with at that funeral! Lol They are like constantly posting pictures together on Facebook and saying how in love and happy they are! That was fast, but I’m not mad. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I also got hit up by the Producer, a few days before his wedding, on the swinger site. I couldn’t respond, but I have no doubt that he plans on cheating. He told me before that the new woman is not open to swinging. Why am I not surprised?

My heart is in shambles :/

confusing.sign_

My heart is in a place of numbness that makes it hard for me to write. I haven’t been able to cry over the Cohort other than a little bit when he called me the other day. What he called to say, is that he is deleting my number. He said it’s too tempting for him to call or text me.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how he can claim he misses me, say it’s hard not to contact me, but still be unwilling to give me love, affection, and emotional exclusivity. He knows damn well I’m not asking for a sexual commitment, but I never, ever want to go through what I went through that night he took a woman to a party again.

What cuts me to the core, is that the night before he did that, is when I had finally told him I love him. It felt like a kick in the face. It’s not just that he went to the party with someone either- he’s right, we did not have a commitment and he did not do something technically wrong. It’s that he knew I was distraught over it, and it didn’t stop him.

I just know, that if the roles were reversed and it had been me, there is no way I could have run out and had fun, knowing someone I cared about was hurting because of it. Never. If the Cohort was the one that was suffering, I would have turned right around and been there for him, forget some other person or a swinger party.

I feel betrayed. I feel angry, furiously angry, and I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, no matter how irrational. I am deeply hurt, but I cannot seem to access the pain. I vacillate between rage and a sickening numbness.

I’m afraid of my feelings because they remind me so much of what I went through when my mother tried to commit suicide. When the doctors said she was going to die, other people cried, but not me. I was stoic and carrying on like normal, able to deal with all the doctors and nurses and other people’s concerns, yet deep down I felt a burning anger that continues to this day.

I’ve been waking up at 4 am, unable to sleep, my thoughts and heart racing, unable to get him off my mind, but still I can’t cry. When he called me to say he is deleting my number, the floodgates were opened, for just a little while. It felt so final and so painful. I felt so abandoned, all over again.

Yet, some of the things he said, just infuriated me. He said he does care, that he was not telling the truth when he said he doesn’t feel affection for me, that he thinks I am special and that he feels really bad for not wanting a committed relationship with me. Yeah, fuck him. A man who meant those words would be backing them up.

I looked back at some of my posts after the Professor and I ended things. I cried and cried. Yet, I didn’t feel half for him what I felt for the Cohort. I’m so devastated that I think I’m disassociating, like I’ve done with some of the more traumatic events of my childhood and life. I’ve been able to function, work, live, almost like nothing is wrong.

I hope that this isn’t going to affect me permanently, that someday I will be able to be vulnerable and open my heart again. Right now, I’m having my doubts. I feel like I gave the best of what I have to offer to the Cohort, he saw more of the real me than anyone ever has and if he didn’t love me for it, no one ever will.

The last few times I saw him, I was so full of love and affection I thought I was going to explode! When he hurt his foot and I was there by his side, I felt like this is a man I could love for the rest of my life. Even if he was old and sickly and needed taken care of, I would be happy just to be with him. I’d never felt like that about anyone, and it meant nothing to him. Nothing!

The time before that, on his birthday, his face and head had been covered with a terrible razor burn rash that he was trying to get rid of. I remember thinking how handsome he still looked to me, that it didn’t matter, I would still pick him over any man in the world. I freaking adored him! That he could be so disloyal to ME, just burns.

On the one year anniversary of the day we met (and HE was the one who brought up and remembered that) we had gone out to eat and had this absolutely beautiful day together. Everything felt perfect and wonderful. We sat on the patio of a lovely Mexican restaurant and drank margaritas. He had loaned me his jacket because of the cool air and was smiling about how big it looked on me.

Afterwards, he took me along shopping for some things he needed at the mall. We were in a department store and he was trying on clothes. A woman in the waiting area of the dressing room asked if he was my husband and commented on how happy we looked together. She told me she had been married for 30 years and now that the kids were out of the house it was like she and her husband were dating all over again, that it was so much fun. It seemed at the time, almost like a sign of what was to come, for us, even though that doesn’t really make any logical sense.ย  It just FELT that way.

Heck, when I was working for the Cohort and at his house often, I was even happy just doing simple things like the laundry together. I remember feeling like this just feels so RIGHT. He feels like my other half, like someone I should be with forever and it feels so WRONG to be ending things but I know I can’t handle being strung along and feeling unloved. It’s like my gut and my heart are just all fucked up and giving me all the wrong signals because they keep telling me I should be with someone who I guess doesn’t feel the same way. I feel so lost and confused, like I’m going the wrong way, but it seems like my only option.

Life goes on…

radio-mic-1-2

Wow, it seems like a lot has happened since the last time I updated my blog! Where to even start? I guess you’d probably like to hear about the new man I am sleeping with, and maybe some updates on the Cohort ;). By the way, he and Mr. Firm met each other recently, at a party, lol. I wasn’t there though. I’ll elaborate on that too, in a minute.

I recently discovered Tinder, which was awesome, for like the week and a half it actually worked on my phone!! A girlfriend told me about it and how she had like 7 dates in a week, so I thought it would be fun to try. It was!! Until it stopped working and all the uninstalling and reinstalling was to no avail. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I even lost a great potential man, because we had gone on a date but never exchanged actual phone numbers. I was getting notifications that he was emailing me but couldnt access the app or respond. Grrrr….. So, screw Tinder, but I can’t be too mad because I did meet one man I actually like. ๐Ÿ™‚

I will call him Radioman. He works in advertising for one of my favorite radio stations. He also coaches the same sport that the Professor did. By the way, for those of you who remember the Professor, he’s been kind of stalking my swinger profile lately. Interesting, though I’m pretty sure I would never fuck him again at this point. Like I keep saying, men always come back. Heck, the Producer texted me recently too, and mentioned that he is getting married- and its not to the woman he was so in love with either!! He said she is with a white guy now. Told you so! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Back to Radioman. So far, he seems pretty cool. I enjoy spending time with him and he is good in bed. I’ve never told him about swinging though and we did the traditional 3 dates before sex. I’m just not sure when to bring something like that up, you know? Its awkward when you meet someone in another context.

He actually asked me if I want an exclusive relationship. I told him its too early for me to decide. I do like him a lot so far, but I’m not sure yet if I want THAT. Its frustrating…it seems like men either want to go all in the minute you meet them or they are running as fast and far away as they can get from any sort of commitment. I just want to get to know someone first and see if its workable or not.

There is a big part of me that would love to just have that one guy in my life, stability, safety and seriousness. Yet, I’m just not sure if I’d start feeling claustrophobic. An open relationship, where I am Numero Uno, sounds ideal in many ways, but I am starting to lose hope that I will ever be able to find that. I would have loved something like that with the Cohort, but I can’t handle NOT having the assurance of being number one and like most men who want something “open” he didn’t want to give me that.

Back to Radioman- I like him but there are a few red flags when it comes to a long term thing. Mainly, he has 3 children with 3 different mothers. He’s actually a grandpa too, even though he is my age, because one of his teenage daughters has a toddler. It also means that despite having a great paying job (plus a side job coaching), he’s not doing that well financially- due to all the child support he has to shell out. :p I mean he has a decent home and car and all that, just says he has some struggles.

Other things though, are great! He’s made me dinner a couple of times and is a great cook. He’s been easygoing and fun to hang out with. He’s not bothered at all by the number of children I have. Plus, he gets free tickets to fun events and has been giving some to me. ๐Ÿ™‚ Did I mention he’s pretty good in bed? He hasnt slacked on going down on me either. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Mmmm…

I so wish Tinder would have worked longer, because I was getting hit up by a ton of nice looking guys. The other guy I met in person seemed fantastic too! He travels a lot for his job at a medical research company and used to play football for a major college on the east coast. He still looked like it too and had pretty hazel eyes. I was totally interested but since I couldn’t reply to his email, it seems all is lost.

I’ve also got a new job myself, that is getting me out there and around a lot of people. I’m getting hit on all the time. Like every time I work (and its a part time thing) I have at least a couple of men asking for my number or something. Its been fun, though I haven’t followed through with any of those men yet. It’s always fun to be swarmed with attention and have options though! ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s all helping me keep my mind off the Cohort, though he has been calling again too. Let me explain what finally happened with him.

After my last post about him, I did hear from him again. He tried to call and I didnt answer. I texted him that it hurt me too much to talk as a friend, after all that had happened. He said it was an emergency though and I picked up the phone. He wanted to tell me about how someone had stolen money from his Paypal account and we ended up talking.

A couple of days later he called again wanting my help with work stuff and I reiterated that this was too painful. After that we didn’t talk for a couple of weeks.

Then he hit me up again saying that he misses me and that he thought it would just go away but it hasn’t. I admit this tore at my heart but I’m trying to stay strong. I know I could not, at this point, accept what he is wanting to give me, which is basically crumbs. I care too much about him to be anything less than #1.

It was then that he told me about meeting Mr. Firm. He said they met at a swinger party and he wanted to know why I couldn’t just have the same type of relationship with him that I do with Mr. Firm. I was kind of baffled that he didn’t seem to understand this, but tried to explain that my feelings for him are different and that Mr. Firm already had a serious relationship with someone else. The Cohort said I was “punishing” him because he is single.

What?? I said it doesn’t feel good to hear that my love and affection are a punishment. Men. I’m really trying to wrap my head around how they see things. Not to mention I hardly ever see Mr. Firm anymore. I said is that really what you want, to see me once or twice a year? He said no, he didnt realize it was that infrequent.

He also claimed that the couple who was throwing the party told him that they think I am “playing” him and pretending to want a relationship when I really don’t. He said he had to set them straight and tell them it was him who didn’t want a relationship. He said they saw me with other men at parties (in the past, like the Prof) who didnt want to share me with anyone and thought I was leading him on.

I was like, well, there goes my image as a “player”! Seriously though, I’m still trying to digest this one. Mr. Firm said everyone was busy having sex and drinking so he doesn’t know how a conversation like that would have even come up, but the Cohort tends to be pretty honest. My head is spinning.

On the plus side, the Cohort and Mr. Firm seemed to like each other. They both said positive things about one another, though they didn’t actually discuss knowing me when they met. If only it had happened earlier, now all my fantasies of a threesome with two of my favorite men in bed, are pretty much shot! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Lol Ah well….

OH, and I had another dream about the Cohort’s mother, before he told me about this party. It was weird because she has been dead for quite some time and I have never met her, but it is the second dream I have had (the first one was after the first miscarriage). In this one, the Cohort was with another woman, one who was very unattractive and I was upset. His mother walked with me over to the two of them and he broke away from the woman to come and hug and kiss me. His mom said to me “I am so happy that you forgave him, I know he loves you”. Then she later told me that she was totally okay with how many kids I have and that I am the one for her son. Wishful thinking? Sigh… If only it were a message from the other side. My heart still feels that for him and this is so hard for me.

In any case, he has still tried a few more times to talk to me. Most recently, yesterday, he texted to ask if I will go to a swinger party with him! I was sort of shocked that he would think this would be okay. Does he really not understand that I need to have the assurance that I am SAFE with him before doing this again? That I can’t be disconnected from him and then go to a party where we are fucking other people in front of each other? I tried to explain.

He says he misses me, and not just for the sex. I’m glad to hear that because I miss him too, but its not enough. Its not enough for me to subject myself to the way I felt when he took that woman to a party. I seriously could have hurt someone. I was so angry and upset!! The thoughts going through my mind were horrible and it was all I could do not to follow through on them. He’s lucky his car and windows weren’t destroyed and no one was hurt. Seriously, I FELT like acting like a psycho!

I just CAN’T put myself in that position. No. Like I told him recently, he didn’t do anything wrong and that’s the problem. I need it to be wrong. I cant handle it being “okay” for him to do things that hurt me. I’m not going to stick around for that.

He says he understands and doesn’t want to hurt me. Yet he keeps offering me half assed things like friendship and swinger parties. I love him too much to settle for that. It’s all or nothing now.

In the meantime, I’m doing everything I can to keep my mind of him. I won’t say it’s totally working, but I havent broken down and cried and that is a good thing, I think. At least for now keeping busy is seeming to help.

The married man, I havent seen him again but he told me that he is leaving his wife and wants to be with me and only me. WTF? The next day he texted to ask if I would have a threesome with him and some “good friend” (female) of his. Eyeroll…

I’ve spent some more time with the Boring guy and he’s obviously making an attempt to be more interesting, which is nice. He took me to a concert as a double date with one of his friends (my suggestion, but he paid, which was awesome) and has found a new restaurant near his place that we have gone to a couple of times.

I’m still a little put off by his self absorbtion though. :p For example, he watches himself in the mirror while we have sex. Not me, or us, HIMSELF. Ugh.

Oh well, its better than sitting around pining for the Cohort, for sure. He’s making it extra hard by keeping contacting me, but I’m determined not to accept anything less than his best. As of yet, I am not getting that and I’d rather spend my time with men I am not in love with that be continually hurting over one I do.

A friend in need…isn’t shit?

ankle-injury

Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to the Cohort. Well, he DID come back after his disappearance. He called to talk, about a week and a half later. I was happy to hear from him. He said he was surprised he didn’t hear from ME. We spoke briefly, then a few days later he texted me. Things seemed like they were getting back to normal.

Bright and early the next morning, I got a phone call. I was still half asleep. It was the Cohort and he had injured his foot at a boxing gym the night before. He said he’d been attempting to get back in shape and was in a lot of pain. He’d been up half the night hurting and was going to call his doctor as soon as the office opened. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to drive and asked if I might be able to take him.

OF COURSE! The man I love was hurting and I would do anything within my capability to help him. I jumped in the shower and drove over to his place.

We spent the day together. I drove him to the doctor and later to get an ultrasound on his foot. We went to pick up medicine at the pharmacy. In the waiting rooms, we kept each other entertained. There was a lot of banter and silliness between us, even though he was obviously in a lot of pain, that even medication was not helping with.

He texted me from the exam room while I was in the lobby. “The nurse just asked me to get naked”. I asked if she had rubbed her boobs on him yet. He responded that she said she wanted to check out his package before she looked at his foot. I said I bet she does. He was like “she said she doesn’t have anymore whipped cream for me to lick off her nipples” and I told him to “tell her you will whip up a batch of mayonnaise” (he’s always making jokes about how his cum is actually mayonnaise after we have sex). He was like “Lovergirl, you are REALLY filthy” and I told him that I was just over here keeping busy flashing guys in the lobby (he had thought my sundress was showing a lot of cleavage and asked me if I was trying to show off, beforehand).

Everything seemed good natured and fun. He took me out to lunch at Panera and I had to wait on him and help do things because it was hard for him to walk. He gave me a little money for “gas” (though I was driving his car) and was very thankful. When we got to his place I helped him wrap his foot in ice packs. He sort of hinted at having sex with me before I left but I told him that it hadn’t felt good when he disappeared the last time, that it had made me feel abandoned. He said “Lovergirl, I am not a bad guy. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like that. We should spend more time together. We make a good team”. He hugged me tightly and said it was good to see me.

I got a text from him after I went home that said my help really meant a lot. I told him not to hesitate to call if he needed anything else. All seemed well.

So the next morning, he called again. He asked if I could bring him lunch and I said sure. He also wanted me to help do some things for his business, that would have been hard for him, though his foot was getting better. He had pulled, but not torn, a tendon. He would pay me for the work I did.

I spent another day with him. I picked him up some fast food for lunch. I went to the doctor’s office to pick up a note he would need for work. I waited on him. I made him something to eat, basically just did whatever he needed. We talked and watched movies on the couch.

When I was getting ready to leave, he made a comment about how we couldn’t play anymore because that would make me feel “degraded”. It sounded like he was mocking the hurt I had expressed the night before. He didn’t hug me this time, or offer to pay for the lunch I picked up and I left feeling unsettled and kind of used.

On the drive home, I told him how I felt and somehow it blew up into a huge argument. Granted, I was about to start my period, and I do get very emotional with PMS. Anyway, I just felt hurt. Hurt that he wanted me to do all this stuff for him and to be there, but not enough to give me the reassurance that he would call after sex. Like, he’d rather not have sex at all, than give me that.

He said he hadn’t called before because “you said you didn’t want to be friends”. This is only part of the truth. What I had SAID, was that I didn’t want to be PLATONIC friends. I had told him if we weren’t having sex, then I didn’t want to be around him AT ALL. I asked, if you thought we weren’t friends, then why did you call ME when you needed someone? It degenerated from there.

He accused me of only helping him to “get” something in return, which is absolute bullshit. I helped him because I love him and couldn’t stand to see him in pain. I wanted to do everything I could to relieve him and make it better. It felt even worse to hear him say that because I felt like I was demonstrating just how much I care about him in being there and doing all that I did. There wasn’t some selfish motivation behind it.

Anyhow, my emotions were in overdrive and everything came spilling out. I told him I loved him. I told him that sitting there in the doctor’s offices with him I could see being with him the rest of my life and that this all is making me feel confused and strung along. I expressed how hurt I feel that he has not acknowledged a relationship between us, after a year of spending a couple of days a week together, talking almost every day and two pregnancies.

He said “I’m sorry- I can’t give you the feeling you want”. I was like, what feeling? What are you talking about? He wouldn’t answer and I was like just say it! I can take it and maybe it is best I hear it now. It took until the next morning to get him to actually say what he meant and here it is ” what I mean was that I can’t give you the feeling of love and affection and being the #1 woman in my life because I don’t see a long term relationship as a possibility between us”.

Ouch. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Okay. I said “then get the fuck out of my life”. He said he was sorry but that he didn’t want to start his day off with negativity. I ignored it and had no intentions of talking to him further.

That should have been the end. Only it wasn’t, because something worse happened.

That night, I signed onto the swinger site and was looking at a party. He had signed up, which was no big deal, except for that he put a notation on there that he was coming AS A COUPLE with a particular other woman, who he named.

I just about freaking LOST IT. I called him and was like “how could you do this to me??” He said you are hysterical I will call you tomorrow, but I was so upset I wouldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t believe that, that very night, he was going to take another woman out to a party, like she was his girlfriend, after I’d just spent two days doing everything possible for him. I was like why didn’t you call HER?!! Why would you call ME when you needed someone, then the minute you are feeling better you turn around and take someone ELSE out? Where was she when you hurt your foot?

He said that was the only way he could get into the party. It was full on single males and so she had said he could get in with her. Nevertheless, he didn’t HAVE to sign up on the site at all if that were the case and he had to know there was a good chance I would see it. It felt humiliating and extremely hurtful. I know that I would not have gone to a party with another man so soon, just out of basic respect. I would have protected him from having to SEE that I was, for sure!

I was an absolute mess, crying and devastated. That he could still go out and have fun, knowing that, made it even more painful. It was like he didn’t even give a second thought to my feeling hurt. Yet, when he had (recently) dumped some woman he went on 3 dates with (and they never even had sex), he told me he felt really bad “for about 12 hours”. It was just so shocking and horrible and hurtful that he could blatantly disregard my feelings in that way.

That was a week ago and I am still reeling from the pain. I would have done anything in the world to keep him from hurting, but when it was me, he didn’t even seem to care at all. No compassion whatsoever. I’d even say his responses were cold and borderline mean.

He did try to call later in the week and I didn’t answer. When I returned the call about 20 minutes later he didnt pick up the phone. He later texted that he just wanted to see how I was feeling. I texted back “I don’t feel good about what happened with you. It felt, and still feels, really horrible to think of you taking someone else to a party. I feel taken for granted. I feel like I put my heart out there and it just got trampled. It feels awful to be told I will never be #1 to you or have your love and affection”.

I never heard back. Nothing. Not a word. That was 4 days ago. There may be nothing left to be said about the Cohort. If that is the case, then what a harsh and painful ending it was. I don’t know how I can feel so much love and affection for someone who doesn’t feel anything in return. What is wrong with me?

Took a trip, and am I tripping?

354

I haven’t even had a chance to tell you all about another man in my life! We will call him Chicago. He lives here in my city half the time, but travels back and forth to his home in Chicago every couple of weeks. He works from home doing some kind of computer engineering, but prefers living there, to here (where his child is) so he has condos in both places.

Actually, he recently flew ME to Chicago to stay with him for a weekend! He wined and dined me and took me to my first comedy show- to see Cedric the Entertainer. It was an exciting weekend for me, with getting to travel and experience new things. His condo has a beautiful view of Lake Michigan and he took me to a delicious steak house, where he dropped well over $200 for dinner.

Here’s the view of Lake Michigan from his condo:
350

And my lovely bubbling drink at the steak house:

344

I’d had some car troubles, thanks to my teenager (long story), so Chicago covered rental vehicles for me to take my kids to their dads, and also paid for my gas. His brother drove me to the airport. Obviously, this guy is doing alright financially. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Actually, he’s been probably more of a Sugar Daddy than any of the others, buying and giving me things here and there. He gave me a brand new printer for my computer and bought me a shawl so I wouldn’t need to borrow his jacket when we go out. He’s taken me out for lots of dinners at nice restaurants and to the movies several times.

Sounds fabulous right? Well, not quite. I’m really, just not feeling this guy. I just can’t bring myself to LIKE him that much. I’m trying, really I am, but it’s just not there.

He’s obviously doting on me, and being a nice person. He claims to like me a lot. Yet, some things just really bug me. I’ve finally figured out that he reminds me of my ex husband.

He reminds me of him in SEVERAL ways. One, is how he acts in the bedroom. We just can’t seem to have good sex. There is like, NO chemistry. He’s doing some of the same things that other guys do, at least trying to be good, but it’s just not working for me! It’s so weird.

One of the things that bothers me, is that he just doesn’t seem to be able to, or maybe he’s just not interested in, reading my body language. If I don’t like something, and try to make it clear, he just keeps trying to do the same damn thing!

Like he has an obsession with trying to lick my nipples. Sometimes I like that, but not the way he does it. He will lunge toward my nipples with his tongue flicking out and I am like cringing. I’ll kind of push him away and he comes back again in full force. So I actually covered my nipples with my hands and he tried to pull them off! I wouldn’t let him so he’s laughing about it, what you don’t like that? I said they feel sensitive and now he harrasses me about it, major turnoff. He is constantly trying to do what I have made clear I wasn’t feeling.

What’s crazy is that my ex husband would try to do that very same thing and act the very same way about it- annoyed with ME for not enjoying something. Get over it already and quit trying to do something I’m obviously not liking! Sheesh!

That’s just one example. The rest of the sex just isn’t working well either. I just don’t like it.

I’m sure some of it, is that he’s just NOT the Cohort. I’m emotionally attached and it makes it hard for me to be with someone new. I only started seeing this guy after the last miscarriage, when I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with he and I.

Still, it’s not just the bedroom where he’s acting insensitive. He doesn’t seem to pay any attention to the things I SAY to him. It’s like he cuts me off or changes the subject or just says “uh-huh” like I’m not saying anything interesting. It’s very upsetting to me to not feel heard when I am talking. That too, is very much like my ex, who brushed off anything I wanted to talk about (outside of the Bible or politics) as unimportant.

He also has a tendency to over-explain things to me, like he thinks I am an idiot or something. It makes me feel like a child. He took me to a park the other day (and to eat afterwards) and insisted on looking up the history of the park on his phone and reading to me about how it was donated by some woman whose husband owned a biscuit factory, like he was giving me a lesson. TOTALLY like my ex husband, who was always lecturing about something.

He actually wanted to talk about scripture on our last date. Uggggghhh… he said because it was something “different” than what most people talk about and he thought it would be a nice change of pace. I spent 15 years talking about the Bible. I didn’t want to be rude but I really didn’t feel like elaborating on my thoughts about various passages of scripture. It felt torturous.

He wants to hold hands, and be “romantic” all the time but it makes my skin crawl. I feel guilty, but I can’t help it! It’s frustrating.

Anyway, when we got back to his place, I decided to play a little game, just to test and see if he actually does listen to anything I say. I asked him some questions about myself to see if he knew the answers to any of them, all things I had told him before. I was like what color are my eyes? He said “blue” (we were in candlelight and my eyes are green). I asked how many siblings do I have, where did I go to high school, what did I major in in college? He got them ALL wrong. Then I let him ask me stuff and I got every single answer RIGHT. Because I actually freaking LISTEN when someone is talking to me!

It bothers me so much, that I don’t know if I can stand it much longer, even with all the perks. His birthday is coming up soon and he has decided he wants me to make him a picnic with wine and grapes and strawberries that we feed each other on a blanket outside, and then I give him backrubs. It sounds kind of like Hell on earth. Not sure how to get out of it without being rude though.

I guess all this kind of explains why my trip to Chicago, while fun in some ways, just wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. The whole time I was really missing the Cohort and wishing he was the one with me. We would have had SO much fun, doing those exact same things together. Heck, I can have a blast with the Cohort at the grocery store! Lol

Chicago took me to the store with him the other day and I was miserable. He took like an hour to buy stuff and it was soooo boring. It reminded me of being a kid and getting dragged along on errands with old people. Bleah.

I was positively aching for the Cohort the whole time I was away in Chicago. He didn’t even know I was gone (it was two days, one night) but I missed him something awful. Then he called, right as I was boarding the plane. I told him where I was and actually ended up getting MAD at him for no reason. I think it was just all that pent up resentment that I was spending my time with someone else, when he was who I’d rather be sharing all this with. At that time we were trying not to have sex with each other.

We couldn’t talk after the plane took off, so I stewed on my thoughts for awhile and finally figured out that was what it was. So I told him the truth and said I missed you and the whole time I was here I wanted to be with you. Being with this guy was mostly meant to take my mind OFF of him, but it hasn’t been working very well.

Can you all keep a secret?

secrets1

I have a confession to make. This actually seems like an exceptionally weird time to make it, what with the Cohort seeming to have vanished, but it has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. I’ve wanted to write something about it, but just haven’t been able to bring myself to admit this publicly.

You know how, on this blog, I’m always ranting and railing against Madonna/Whore and the unfair way men seem to act, wanting to fuck everything in sight, yet getting jealous when a woman shows ANY interest in another man? It always bothered me sooo much, until I fell for the Cohort. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of self discovery that was sort of disturbing.

I found out that, at least with him, in a way I never expected, it TURNED ME ON.

Now, the Cohort has always been fair, and kept his jealousies in check, realizing that a double standard in our situation would not be okay. He’s gotten a little jealous a couple of times, and he was real about it, but he also got himself under control without losing it. I respect that and I feel he is better than most in that area, actually.

I’m not even talking about jealousy from a man here, really, as its not hard for me to admit that it sometimes feels good to have a man get riled up enough to show he cares. No, I’m talking about me. I’m talking about ME getting turned on by what is maybe a combination of my own jealousy mixed with a little bit of playing on a man’s Madonna/whore.

I wrote a little bit in this blog, but not much, about how I went several months without sleeping with anyone but the Cohort. What I left out, is that, not only did I have almost no desire for other men (because I was so smitten with him), but that it was also, kind of…. turning me on? Something about the fact, that he was still sleeping with people, but I was not, was making me HOT.

What the fuck Lovergirl? Where is your head? Do you need me to smack you upside of it so you can think straight again? How could you get turned on by that? Didn’t it bother you??

All good questions, and I just… don’t know. Maybe I did completely lose my head. I was so wound up in my emotions that somehow it felt…GOOD.

Like one time, when he had gone off for a weekend of gangbanging, I remember feeling mildly threatened and jealous. Only it wasn’t too bad, because I knew it was not an emotional thing for him, just sexual. When he came back, he told me all about it.

I listened to his stories for a bit before he started kissing me and taking off my clothes. He whispered in my ear “but you, you haven’t had sex for awhile, have you?” I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head no. I could tell it turned him on just as much as it did me, and the lovemaking that followed was incredibly intense. He was flooding me with affection that it felt like he’d been holding back for a long time, saving it all for me.

Not just then, but other times too. It just felt so good to feel like I was the only one on the recieving end of all that EMOTION, like he was reserving it for me, while I was reserving my body for him. Even at a party we went to, where he slept with three other women (and me with no one else, I wrote a bit about that one before), each time he would come to me afterwards for what felt like especially mind blowing sex. I loved feeling like I belonged to HIM, and him alone.

I guess that mostly ended after the first time I got pregnant. Maybe that was a big part of what lead up to that for us, subconsciously. Like he once commented, (referring to someone else) pregnancy is like the ultimate “handcuff”. After losing the baby(ies) I felt the need to use logic again and also be sleeping with other men, since we aren’t committed. I wanted to protect my heart, which was getting too involved.

Even now, I have been having a very hard time getting over the emotional hurdle of having sex with other men. I’ve slept with some, but I just can’t seem to open myself up. I’m holding back much more than usual.

All this has helped me understand, at least maybe a little more, the whole cuckhold phenomenon. I’ve always found it kind of baffling, but maybe I get it more than I want to admit, from my own angle. Did you know that there are females that are into that and they are called cuckqueens? You don’t hear a whole lot about that, but I wonder if it is more common than we realize.

It seems like, the little bit you can find online about that sort of thing though, is filled with levels of degradation and humiliation that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not all about that. For me I guess, it’s something different.

Like at the parties before, he has done things like had me suck his dick before he went off and fucked someone else, but nothing about it felt bad. I knew he was coming back to me, tenfold, afterwards.

I once sort of shared my feelings about all this with the Cohort, over a short text. We didn’t talk about it in depth but he brought it up on Valentine’s Day, during my miscarriage and while we were eating at a pizzeria. It wasn’t a good time and I kind of just denied it all and looked away. He tends to probe my feelings and reactions more deeply, but this time he just looked at me quizically and didn’t comment. I think he knows.

It’s just one of those things that is very hard to talk about. It’s like admitting you feel okay with that can be very shameful and embarrassing. I think, with the Cohort, my level of emotional safety was so much higher that I felt I could drop my guard and just be who I am. He would lightly tease me about things of that nature or jokingly call me his “slut slave” but he never took it too far.

There is something super intimate though, about taking it to a deeper level that way. I miss him so much. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ At least you all are getting some good writing out of this! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Gone with the wind?

disappearing

Yep, you guessed it. Things are going wrong with the Cohort again. Why do I do this? It’s like I can only write when I fear things are falling apart. Yet, so much has happened. He’s not even the only man in my life. I have other stories. It’s not like I’m lacking material. There have been so many interesting experiences, feelings and thoughts coursing through my mind, ones that I WANTED to share with you all, but couldn’t bring myself to.

I’m so caught up in my feelings, that it is hard to write. Even now, I am struggling with deleting and rewriting everything. Help!

I always swore I wasn’t going to be one of those blog writers that just disappears all of a sudden because I got caught up in a relationship. No, not me! Never!! Sigh….

The truth is, I finally understand. I finally know what it feels like to be so in love with someone that it takes over your heart and your mind. There. I admitted it.

I love him. Even if nothing works out between us, even if everyone reading my blog thinks I’m crazy or that he’s some kind of bad person because of the things I have said about him. Even if he or I makes every mistake in the book and I open up our life to the world on here, I’ve said it.

I guess, that is a big part of it all. I’m afraid of opening “us” up to criticism. I’m afraid of anyone saying anything negative about him or my feelings for him and want to protect that. I want to protect him from all you big bad bloggers and people out there that might see his mistakes and failures, instead of the man that I see.

Of course, I want to protect myself too. I want to cover up all my fears and vulnerabilities, so no one can go back later and say “I told you so” when things go wrong. The truth is though, that we are both flawed individuals, just like everyone else out there. He’s not a bad guy with bad intentions, any more than I am a bad person.

The difference between the Cohort and other men, is that I feel like I UNDERSTAND him…and like he understands ME. I’ve never had that with anyone, anywhere, before. That’s not to say I understand his every behavior or action- far from it. He’s a typical, completely baffling at times, male. Yet, somehow, without words, when I search my heart, I just know.

It’s funny that I write these words right now, when he’s in the middle of doing something that seems completely incomprehensible. I’ve been agonizing for days because he has just suddenly disappeared, after spending a wonderful day together. The man who normally calls, texts and wants to see me several times a week has just *poof* pulled a Houdini and vanished into thin air.

What happened? His last text to me was sweet and loving. He thanked me for “being there” on his birthday and being someone he cares about and who he knows cares about him. Then….nothing. I haven’t tried to contact him either because something in me knows its not the right thing to do.

What the heck- right? Who does that to someone they have been seeing for over a year? We’d had a great time, he took me out for lunch and a little shopping, we had great sex (with a condom, he wore a condom with me for the very first time), we cuddled and kissed and were all over each other afterwards while we watched a movie at his place. We ate some of the ice cream cake I had made him for his birthday and he walked me out to my car before I left, to kiss me goodbye, and because it was dark.

He had been talking, in bed, about how he wished he could take me on a vacation and how he wanted to see me later in the week. He was affectionate, looking in my eyes, kissing on my neck, stroking my hair, spooning behind me as we watched a movie and wrapping his arms around me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary or out of place. If anything, he seemed more loving than ever.

So what happened? Where did he go? I know he’s alive. I can see on his business account that he has been shipping things, so he has to be at home, not even on a vacation. I saw him, last night, logged into the swinger site.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions, from fear of abandonment, to anger and just complete confusion. I’ve wondered if this is some kind of cowardly way of “dumping” me, or what? Will I ever hear from him again?

Yet, when I really search my soul, I know it’s okay. Something in me says to trust him, even when he is doing something that many people would be enraged about. That’s not to say it’s easy, but I just know. I know how he gets in his head and overwhelmed by the feelings he has for ME.

It’s kind of like I’ve been feeling about writing in my blog. I want to, I want to reach out, yet I can’t think straight. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. So I put it off and each time I want to do it, I just can’t.

Meanwhile, I go about my life. Sometimes I feel guilty for not writing. Sometimes I crave it but keep putting it off. Its always in the back of my head though, because I really do love writing in my blog, and finally, here I am.

Will I stick around this time? I can’t answer that question. I’m like a non-committal man. I WANT to, really badly, because it feels so good to be here. I came on strong in the beginning, but now I run hot and cold, in and out, unsure of myself because I am unable to handle how I FEEL.

When I come back, each time I realize how much I missed it, and miss you guys! It’s like this huge relief to see the same people commenting again. It feels safe and draws me back in again.

Ahhhh…. this is eye opening. It feels like I know now what to do with the man I love. I’ll let him go and continue to go on about my life. When he comes back I may tell him how it felt while he was gone, but I am not going to hold it against him. No grudges here, because I understand.

I’m not saying I will put up with mistreatment, but also please don’t be too harsh on the Cohort. He’s very much, like me. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in a mirror, like I have found my other half. I feel like this man, is my soul mate, if such a thing exists.

He’s ever so imperfect, but at the same time, so endearing.ย  He’s so REAL and so full of insecurities and fears, yet so perfect.ย  Perfect, for ME.ย  He’s like everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, yet he drives me crazy.ย  He makes me laugh like no one else, and sometimes, he makes me cry, though I know he feels bad if he does.

I know I could spend the rest of my life with him.ย  I know I could.ย  There is NO question in my heart.ย  He feels like the One.

Would we have a perfect, bump free, life?ย  Oh HELL no!ย  Hahaย  There is just so much to consider.ย  So many possible pitfalls, so much to overcome.ย  I just can’t imagine it with anyone else the way I can with him.

Some texts he sent, a couple of weeks ago, after we had a blowout, said this:

“I don’t hate you Lovergirl”

“You’re just very passionate”

“And you are dead wrong…You ARE special to me…. you are probably the woman I truly should be with if I just let myself”

There you have it.ย  If he just “let himself”.ย  He’s got this big internal struggle going on over me.ย  He FEELS like I do, yet he sees my situation as this big, insurmountable obstacle.ย  He’s still struggling with the fact that I have so many children and my finances aren’t great. Maybe someday he will get over it and just take that leap of faith…and maybe, he won’t.

I guess I just have to trust him, and oddly, for the first time in my life I do. Even when everything that has happened thus far might point other people otherwise.ย  People might say that he doesn’t love me or he wouldn’t act the way he does, but I don’t believe it.ย  I FEEL it.ย  When I dig down, deep inside myself, I KNOW.

So, even though he’s disappeared, for now, I feel safe.ย  I feel like he will make the decisions he needs to for both of us. Maybe it will mean I never see him again, or maybe not. Somehow I feel good about it, amidst it all. The more I search my heart, the more confident I feel. I’m pervaded with a strange sense of calm. What’s meant to be, will be.

Here we go again….

Twins 4_11_08 2nd Ultrasound

Well, it happened AGAIN. The Cohort and I had ANOTHER miscarriage. Who does that? What 30-something, responsible adults, who are not in an “official” relationship of any kind, go and get pregnant TWICE in a 6 month period? Apparently, us.

There is no appropriate excuse or explanation for it. It just…IS, and somehow, on some deeper level, we BOTH have to want this. We had a talk, shortly after finding out this time, and we both fessed up to the fact that there must be some subconscious pull to have a baby together. Still, it didn’t make it any easier.

Emotions were up, down, all over the place. He went back and forth from telling me that he really, really likes me and would jump on the opportunity to be with me long term if I didn’t have so many kids, to yelling at me to get an abortion. He said I treat him maybe better than any woman he has ever been with. Then said he was worried about being able to financially provide for my whole family and the social implications for him, and even brought up the fact that my other children are white. He said everyone would think he was crazy.

Then he said he’d been thinking. He thought maybe we could have some kind of non-traditional relationship, where we didn’t actually live together. He said he felt like maybe he never really wanted the whole traditional marriage type deal anyway. No matter what, he promised, he would always be there for his child.

Not long after that though, he went back to seeming angry and resentful. I told him I couldn’t handle it and just call me when he could talk without being upset. At some point, we ended up in bed together again, having hot, passionate, emotional sex. We cuddled and kissed and slept together, he came inside me, because he could. He was super affectionate.

Then, he was angry again. The roller coaster was almost too much to take. On Valentines day, it came crashing down to the bottom. I woke up to gushing blood and passed what looked like it may have been twins, in the same sac. He invited me over, and offered comfort and hugs. I had to bring a change of clothes because I was bleeding all over the place and passing clots on the mat in his bathroom.

He cleaned things up and brought me food. He took me out for pizza even though I could barely walk without having to run to the bathroom. He admitted he was sad this time and said that he hadn’t told me, but he had found a home near my house that he was planning to buy.

This sounds like the end, but it wasn’t. Almost a week later, I was still feeling nauseous, my breasts hurt and pregnancy tests kept showing up darker and darker. I was still bleeding and starting to get concerned that maybe I was wrong about having miscarried. My mind and body were playing tricks on me.

I called him, which I probably shouldn’t have, and he got really angry and started accusing me of lying. He said I was trying to “trap” him and that he thought I’d been making up that I had the miscarriage in the first place. He yelled at me that he never wanted a baby with me, to go get an abortion and leave him alone.

I ended up driving to the hospital, dizzy and bleeding, by myself, in a snowstorm. I was terrified. The ER doctors took tests and my hcg level was higher than expected for how far along I would have been. They did a pelvic exam and said my uterus was still enlarged. For a bit there I really started to believe I might still be pregnant.

Then they did an ultrasound. They said there was a lot of leftover tissue, more than what there should be, but no baby. It was possible I was farther along than expected, or it was a multiple pregnancy. I know exactly when I got pregnant because the Cohort had slipped and cum inside of me. This confirmed that it was probably what I thought the first time- twins.

They talked about the possibility of an emergency d&c but decided it was safe to send me home. I was given cytotec, which I never took because of the horror stories I have heard. The doctor said it was okay to do things naturally as long as I returned to the ER if I had pain or heavy bleeding.

Meanwhile, I had texted the Cohort to tell him where I was at and keep him updated. He asked questions via text but never bothered to come to the hospital. I felt scared and alone, and later, resentful and angry. When I expressed this to him, he was quiet, but offered to pay for the medicine and any other medical costs I incurred. He sent me the money via paypal.

He later apologized, but said he decided we should no longer have sex. So that is where we are at. He asked if I would continue to work for him, and I said yes, but we are not hanging out outside of that. I have only seen him once since then and he didn’t even hug me. We were working and talked to each other but he was obviously trying to keep his physical distance.

I’m hurt. I said I was sad and he says he is too. He says he just doesn’t think its a good idea if our relationship isn’t “going anywhere”. I guess its just too tempting to impregnate me.

The past few weekends, he’s avoided calling. Even this weekend, my kids were away at their dads, but we didn’t see one another. Still, he sends me random texts and calls sometimes for “work” purposes that really aren’t necessary. I don’t know what is going to come out of it all, but I miss him.

It feels bad to feel like I got dumped because I had a miscarriage. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I’m trying to get out there and date a little bit, but haven’t really felt like having sex. The married man, when I told him I had a miscarriage, was all over that. He said “you want a baby? I’ll give you one”. Yikes! He WAS the one that once offered me $3000 a month to have his child. Now I’m kind of scared to have sex with him, lol.

It’s not been too long since I have slept with the Host (who has a vasectomy), the Pilot or Mr. Firm (he wore a condom but WOW that was hot- I think he may have earned the new position of best in bed ever, I’m not as enamored with sex with the Married Man as I used to be). There was another new guy for a bit, he was boring but he bought me some $200 boots and nice perfume. Still, I’m emotionally pretty caught up with the Cohort still and its hard to let go. I guess I am still hoping he will change his mind and want something real with me.

Maybe its hopeless, but something inside me says he’s the right man for me, like for life. Am I crazy?ย  Can I really be so wrong?ย  I know he still cares, even though he tries to hide it.ย  He finds reasons and excuses to contact me.ย  I just don’t know if I am dreaming of something that can never be.

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time writing in my blog lately is because I am SO AFRAID of how intense my feelings are this time around.ย  I’m afraid of putting it all out there and risking that vulnerability, admitting how I really feel, admitting I want something so badly.ย  What if I say all this and it all comes crashing down?ย  What if I’m wrong? What if I announce to the world how much I love someone and it turns out they really DON’T give a fuck about me?

Well, I decided to write anyway.ย  Thank you Mr. Firm, for encouraging me ๐Ÿ˜‰ and all the others who keep asking why I don’t write.ย  Here I go again….

To everything there is a season…

pregnantheart

I’m still alive! It’s been over 2 months since I have written in my blog and I have missed it. There are some reasons that I have been holding back, and it’s more than just being busy. I think my emotions got the best of me, to the point where I was almost AFRAID to write about it.

I’ve been scared to admit, even to myself, just how hard I’ve fallen for the Cohort. Somehow, even writing it down, makes me feel really vulnerable. I’m going to be brave here though, and admit that I really, really like him. The married man asked if I love him (he can tell my behavior has changed, and wanted to know what was up) and I still didn’t want to use those words, but yeah, I’m in pretty deep.

I know, there have been others. Some of you all will remember the Professor. I don’t think that’s even close to comparable to this situation though. I mean, I’m looking at this man and thinking IF (big IF) he wanted it (and I’m still unsure about his true feelings on the matter), I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him, open OR monogamous.

In the past couple of months, since I last wrote in my blog, I have only slept with the married man one other time. It was at his house, in his home office, during the day. I was on his desk, bent over the desk, and laying on the desk with my head on his computer keyboard, lol. It was fun, but my heart, is elsewhere. He can tell. He’s like why don’t you want to meet up as often, you are seeing someone aren’t you?

I’ve gone on dates a few times, and there is even this guy that keeps buying me flowers and wants to be my boyfriend, but I’m just not feeling it. Different men have tried to resurface from my past (like the guy who originally introduced me to the swinger site) and I went out to lunch with them or something, but just wasn’t interested.

Actually, it’s probably a good thing I haven’t been having sex with others, because something happened recently with the Cohort and I was very thankful that there was no question in my mind about other men. He got me pregnant.

I knew, the moment he came inside me, that it was a possibility. It was right in the middle of my cycle and I was insanely horny. We were having that great, babymaking, kind of sex and he surprised me by not pulling out. We then went on to fuck like 7 more times in a row (though he did pull out then).

For the next couple of weeks, I noted the symptoms I was having and something in me just knew. Sure enough, right before my period was due, I got a light positive on a pregnancy test. I took two more tests, wanting to be 100% sure before telling him. All positive.

What’s funny, is that, before I found out for sure, it was in the back of my head, but I didn’t say anything. Still, it almost felt like the Cohort knew. He denies knowing a thing, so maybe it was all subconscious, but some of the things he said that couple of weeks were interesting. Like, he made comments on how “fertile” I am and that made me wonder. Then he took me out one night for crab legs, which I’d never eaten before, but they are high in folic acid (especially great for older pregnant moms) followed by ice cream (calcium of course)! It was almost like he was instinctually taking care of his unborn baby (and we didn’t even have sex that night).

The night I told him, I was actually on a date with another guy. It was a second date, one that most likely would have turned into sex, had I not found out just before. I didn’t want to stand the poor guy up because he’d been super nice, but I wasn’t there emotionally. Add that the Cohort knew I was with him, and had asked me to clean up and come over and fuck HIM when I was done, and yeah, I was totally “elsewhere”. I wanted out of there so badly, even though it wasn’t a bad date and the guy seemed cool otherwise. Just, he was totally freaking me out telling me he wanted me to commit to him and not see any other men!

I later explained to the guy why I had acted the way I did, wouldn’t drink alcohol and left without the roses he bought for me. He STILL tried to get me to come back, saying he wanted to “be there” for me through it all. Heck, the guy is still texting me asking me on dates, and I feel like I have treated him pretty poorly. Emotionally, I just couldn’t do it.

In any case, I didn’t sleep with him and I went straight to the Cohort’s afterwards. I showed him a positive test. He was freaked out, as was I, but he still asked me to stay the night. We had sex, and this time, he was free to cum in me all that he wanted. A lot of that night though, was spent just staring at each other like, “what now??”

The next week was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. He was really stressed out and upset, worried about things like finances and what others would think. He even suggested abortion, which had me crushed, because its something I know I could never do. I shed a lot of tears, and the pregnancy finally ended in a miscarriage anyway. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Through it all, I was encouraged, because despite his comments otherwise, I could see and feel that no matter what, should the baby have been born, he would have been there and taken raising a child with me seriously. He later told me he was worried about things like making sure my other kids and I had a bigger house and a better standard of living, that he felt like it would be unfair to them if he only focused on the baby he would be having with me. He said he couldn’t be one of these dads that just threw a couple hundred dollars and some diapers at me every month. I definitely saw him at some low points but he never tried to point blame and he was firmly “there” for me the entire time, despite fluctuating emotions.

I think, ultimately, the experience drew us closer together. He told me afterwards that my kindness and understanding towards him even when he wasn’t being very nice himself, showed him what kind of a person I really am and that he really appreciated that. Recently he made a comment about how maybe he and I will be seeing each other for a long time. I guess only time will tell if that comes to pass.

I am sad to have lost a baby, but with the grief also comes some relief. It was not under the best circumstances or timing.

I also had an interesting, and somewhat comforting, dream the other night. In my dream I was in the Cohort’s childhood home (which I’ve never seen), talking to his mother (who passed away a couple years ago, I’ve never even seen a picture). She was showing me a blanket she had stitched the Cohort’s name onto, and the date. The blanket had trains on it and she patiently demonstrated the technique she had used to put this important information on, with a blue thread. It FELT as though she were saying to let him know (pointing out his name) the baby was with her, wrapped in the blanket, and that she was taking care of things.

In any case, we are back to having sex and continuing whatever it is we have with each other. My kids were at their dads this weekend and I spent the night with the Cohort. We had sex at least 10 times in a 24 hour period, lol, plus a nice dinner, a lovely brunch, and spent some hours working together. I’m not really sure what the future holds but I am watching things develop with this man, and wondering.