Another one bites the dust…

The men in my life are falling like dominoes.  If it weren’t for Mr. Firm, who has been supremely awesome, and my fuck buddy, I’d be high and dry.  In the past week I’ve decided to drop Mr. Motorcycle, the Married Man has taken me off his Facebook (so I’m guessing he is serious about this not wanting to fool around stuff) and as of now I am completely done with the Referee.

Getting rid of Mr. Motorcycle has proven to be a challenge.  He’s not wanting to go without a fight.  After the events of the last party, and after discussing it with a few different people, I decided it was for the best to just end things now, before things get worse.  There are just too many red flags with him and I have some serious suspicions about what went on behind my back at that hotel party with him.

Three different men, who had all been to that party before, listened to my retelling of the events with him and said the same exact thing, that they KNOW he was fucking people in the hotel rooms while I was sitting alone at the party.  Mr. Firm, the Pilot, and the Referee all said that is what happens there during the party and that even signing up all the black guys get invited to these BBC gang bangs that are going on.  They said if he was even gone 20 minutes he HAD to have been fucking someone.

Well, combined with the totally lame excuses he gave me for disappearing I would have to say they are right.  First off, he claimed he was in the hotel room manscaping “for the first time” and it made such a mess that he spent a lot of time cleaning up.  Not only does that not explain his multiple disappearances, but it is a flat out lie.  I have proof in the form of pictures he sent me before we even met of him naked, and completely shaved.  Not to mention there weren’t any dirty towels lying around or anything like that in the hotel room.  What the fuck ever. Who gets dressed up for a party then turns around and decides to manscape in the hotel anyhow?

Since I have told him I am done he has tried EVERYTHING to manipulate me into staying with him.  He said he spent the entire weekend trying to decide to tell me he is falling in love with me.  Then he said he already bought the kids and I Christmas presents and that they were all wrapped and he couldn’t take them back and wanted to bring them over to my house.  I told him not to waste his time.  I’ve had to be pretty harsh.  It’s hard, but I’ve managed to stay firm.  With his background and that “adult abuse without stalking” charge, he freaks me out anyway.  I don’t want to get too involved with a control freak.

I thought things were still awesome with the Referee, but found out differently this weekend.  He had made plans to come visit me but changed them because one of his daughters had won in a college basketball tournament and he wanted to stay for her game.  He said he would pay my gas to come up there and we could go to a party that evening.  Cool.  It was a house party and I was excited to check one of those out.

Before I came up he brought up a couple that he knows that was going to be there.  The woman half is someone he said he was in an “exclusive” relationship for some time with but that she was too jealous and he had to end it.  He said the husband had offered for us to stay at their house but I didn’t think that was a very good idea, considering her jealousy and all and me not knowing these people.  He claimed not to have taken the offer seriously anyway and that he was planning on paying for another night at the hotel. 

The party started at 7 o’clock and the hosts sent out an email asking people to try and arrive around then. I would have to do what I could to get there by then because it would take me about 2 1/2 hrs to get there.  The Referee said all was cool when I texted him I was leaving at 4:45.

So I arrive at the hotel, a Fairfield Marriot.  I call the Referee, no answer.  I text and he doesn’t text back.  He had sent me a copy of the confirmation number before I came up, because it had the address of the hotel.  So I went in and got the room number.  Knocked on the door and there was no answer.  I finally went downstairs and got the people at the front desk to give me a key.  When I got into the room there was no one inside.  There were no suitcases or anything lying around.  The only sign anyone had been there were a couple of wrappers in the trash can.  Supposedly he had stayed there the night before.

I’m puzzled because I had tried calling and texting several more times to no avail.  I decide to just start getting ready for the party, change my clothes and touch up.  By now it is after 8:00 and still no sign of the Referee.  I wonder if I am getting stood up?  So I text the host of the party and ask if by chance he had arrived there, thinking maybe he’d gone to check out the party and was planning to come back.  Nope.  They haven’t seen him but tell me to come on by on my own!

Finally my phone rings and it is the Referee.  He says he went to dinner with that couple “right around the corner” that he had talked about and that he had “left his phone charging in the car” because it was dead.  Give me a fucking break!  Who leaves their car running for an hour and a half with a phone charging in it when they know someone is supposed to be arriving in town?? Supposedly he was on his way back. I was pissed and hung up on him.  I finished getting ready and debated on what to do. 

It was a pretty long time and he still hadn’t shown up, so I decided to gather my bags up and leave.  Just as I am heading out the door he is coming in.  He was like “wait! where are you going?” and trying to talk to me but I just brushed past.  He left his suitcase in the hall and chased after me down to my vehicle, begging me to just wait and go to the party with him.  I told him I am going to the party by myself and he said he wasn’t going to go if I wouldn’t talk to him.  I said I hoped he had fun fucking that woman (which of course he denied) and got in my van. 

After I drove off he called me and said if I wasn’t going to talk to him fine, he would leave and I could keep the hotel room.  I said great, you can stay with your friends.  He said he wasn’t going to do that and kept trying to talk to me. He was like “really?  You are that pissed off about me going to dinner with someone?” and I pointed out that he’d shown up an hour and a half late and just left me hanging, no matter what the hell he was doing.  He knew I was coming to the hotel and supposed to be there a little after 7. 

I got to the party a little after 9. I got in free since I was alone and female. There weren’t a ton of people there yet but the host guy liked me and was showing me around.  He even announced my arrival at the party to groups of people like I was some sort of celebrity, lol.  A single woman there all by myself I might as well have been.  A few different men came up to talk to me at various times.

When I got a minute to head back over to check my phone (which was in my coat by the door) there were texts from the Referee.  He was like “seriously?”.  A little while later he showed up at the party, WITH that couple.  I was chatting with a good-looking, biracial, 24 year old, body builder when he walked in and he didn’t say anything to me but walked into the kitchen with his little friends.

Of course, I’d had to explain to several people why I was there all by myself, and from so far away.  Repeatedly, people said what a dick he is for doing that to you!  He’s losing out!!  He motioned at me once from the kitchen and I discretely flipped him off.

I walked past him at one point and the male half of the couple tried to stop me.  I said (loud enough for the people in the vicinity to hear) to the guy who was with me “this is that couple he stood me up for” and the woman started getting pissy.  I ignored her and walked downstairs.

A while later the body building guy invited me back into a private room.  We went in with the intent to play.  However, he couldn’t get it up, so it was kind of a fail.  I sucked on his floppy little dick to no avail.  He said it was his first party and he was kind of nervous.  He didn’t know why it wasn’t cooperating.  I said that was okay and we eventually headed back out to join the party.

Later on, I ended up in that room again.  This time I was spread eagle on the bed while a woman was using a Hitachi magic wand on me and licking my pussy.  Another woman and man were sucking on my nipples and another guy fingered me.  I also went down on a redheaded girl that was next to me while the wand was being used on her. I had kissed and made out with a couple of different women at the party, one who I had met and made out with when I was with Mr. Motorcycle before. 

The door was supposed to stay closed and “private” when there were people in there but someone let in the Referee.  He came over and tried to play with me too and I put my hand over my pussy to deny him access.  He kept pushing and pulled me away from the people and rather than cause a big scene I finally let him.  He’s the only guy I actually fucked there.

Afterwards, I was ignoring him again.  He and that couple walked past me and I was standing there with the body builder.  I said, that’s the one that ditched me and those are the people and she turned around and started screaming.  She started screaming at me that she hadn’t even fucked him and yelling at the top of her lungs.  I didn’t respond and they walked out the door, together. 

The body builder guy was like “damn, you didn’t even say two words to her and she started flipping out”.  I pointed out that the Referee hadn’t even bothered to stand up for me and just LEFT with this woman.  Nice.  The other people at the party were like damn, what is her problem?  Wow.  At some point earlier another woman had come up to me and said that I was right, that the Referee was really an asshole.  She didn’t say why, but apparently he had pissed her off somehow.

I stayed and talked for a little while but decided to go back to the hotel alone.  The body builder offered to come with me and I said probably not tonight.  I was hoping the Referee would have gone home with those people and I wouldn’t have to see him.  I’d only had two mixed drinks but I didn’t feel like driving all the way home late at night. 

I got back to the room and no one was there so I bolted the door and got ready for bed.  Unfortunately, about half an hour later the Referee showed up.  Long story short he tried every trick in the book, even telling me he “loves” me to get me to forgive him.  Then he started demanding that I owed him sex since he payed for the room for us to be in together.  He only pays like $35 for a room because he gets a special discount but it was a very nice suite.  Still, I told him that I don’t “owe” him anything and that I was totally turned off due to his behavior.

He argued and pushed and argued and pushed, all night long.  At 4 am he still wouldn’t go to sleep even though I’d asked him to just leave me alone.  He said he couldn’t sleep without an orgasm and that he couldn’t get himself off.  Every time he touched me I told him to back off. 

He finally climbed on top of my legs while I was lying on my stomach, and wouldn’t get off.  He said he knew I was horny because I was so wet and I told him not for him.  He started jacking off and trying to rub his cock between my thighs, swearing that was all he was going to do.

He wouldn’t get off me. He finally pretended to “fall” and push it in between my legs, under my panties. Please. Give me a fucking break. I told him to quit and get off me. He did but repeated a similar process again. He begged and pleaded and begged me to fuck him. He tried to say he treats me sooo well and I will never find another man who is so good to me.

At one point he claimed he would call this woman and stand up for me now. I told him to do it. He then said he only had her husband’s number. I said then call him and ask for hers and he said no one does that (eyeroll). He said he is getting out of the lifestyle now and it is all my fault, that he is in love with me and he can’t deal with this kind of stuff. He was so full of shit.

I ended up begrudgingly fucking him, twice, just to get him to leave me alone so I could sleep. No, I really didn’t want to and I flat out told him that. I didn’t cum or anything like that and barely acknowledged him. Then the next morning he tried to say he thought since we had “made love” everything was better. What a freaking joke. I am so, so, so, done. I was so glad to get out of there and never want to see him again. He kept telling me how I am going to miss him and be so sad. Give me a fucking break!!

Missed opportunity? :/

So Mr. Firm is off in another state with his old buddies from college now.  He had actually invited me to come along tonight, though I had some doubts as to whether or not that would work out.  He mentioned it before we had sex and I said I would think about it and let him know afterwards, once we had met in person. While we were lying in bed talking, after orgasms, he brought it up again. 

At first I wasn’t sure.  I don’t know anything about these men, have never so much as seen a picture, and didn’t know how much pressure I would be under to sleep with them.  However, he said they were both attractive, both policemen and both able to get plenty of pussy on their own so there wouldn’t be any pressure if I didn’t want to play with them.  

I still wondered, because first of all this is their little male bonding trip, lol.  I didn’t want to be tagging along like a ball and chain, though I didn’t say so out loud.  He had all his golf clubs there with him at the hotel and was telling me all about their plans to go out at night.  He mentioned that we could all go out to the club together that night and end up doing whatever afterwards. 

Either way, it’s a little over a 2 hour drive, so lots of gas money….and time.  Still, it was starting to sound tempting.  I totally could see myself as the center of attention with 3 handsome, athletic men in a hotel room, haha.  I know I’ve said before that I was done with this kind of thing, due to experiences when I was younger, but I’d be lying if I said there aren’t SOME things about it that are appealing.

What mostly holds me back isn’t that it doesn’t sound hot, but fear.  The fear isn’t anything about how I would experience the sex myself but about how THEY might view it, or treat me afterwards.  I’ve come across way too many men that see acts like this as degrading to a woman.  If their attitude was positive, then great, it could be a lot of fun but if not, then I could be left feeling pretty awful, or even abandoned.  Abandonment is a big issue for me and these guys both live a couple states away in different directions so unlikely I would see them again.

Mr. Firm is pretty cool and I don’t get the feeling he’d be that way at all.  Still, the other guys, I know nothing about.  Well, I know one is on the swinger site, and the other wants to be but isn’t yet.  They are both in relationships (no idea if swinging is “approved” by their significant others or not) and were in Mr. Firm’s fraternity in college and played sports together.  He says they had a bit of popularity due to having a great team and winning all the time, and got involved in some pretty crazy amounts of sex back then too.  So they aren’t rookies or anything, lol, but they heard about swinging and his success on the site from Mr. Firm and thought it sounded fun.

Still, knowing all that, it was sounding tempting to me, and I probably would have made the trip down there.  In the end though, it was Mr. Firm’s decision that we’d maybe be better off not and risking an awkward situation.  I’d told him that I couldn’t promise or guarantee that I would sleep with them until after meeting and wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun if I got down there and didn’t want to do it.  He totally understood and said the guys were law enforcement officers so wouldn’t want to make me uncomfortable in any way. 

Sigh…. I didn’t want to appear pushy or overeager in any way so I didn’t really let him know how likely I would probably have been to do it.  A mistake?  Maybe.  But then he may have just been using that as an excuse to not have me in the way of their going out and having guy time and I didn’t want to mess with that either.  Or maybe his friends decided I was butt ugly and didn’t want to fuck with me, haha.  Doubtful though, I don’t generally seem to have that issue with men.  Could be they just weren’t into the group idea and wanted to find women for themselves, or already did last night, haha.  I wouldn’t doubt that at all! 😉

 Part of me was thinking these guys are way too “nice” and disappointed that it didn’t work out.  But at the same time, it may be for the best.  Mr. Firm has made it pretty clear that he wants to see me again.  He says he really wished it could have worked out and he didn’t mean with me just being with all them.  I was like “Oh, I’m not saying that couldn’t be fun, lmao, just can’t guarantee anything”…and I can’t, but still…it COULD have been fabulous.  He commented on how much of a blast he had the other night and that he likes me even more because I am so easygoing.  Blah…

He’s been cool as a cucumber so far but now I wonder if I’ll ever have that kind of opportunity with him again.  He’s probably put me into the “doesn’t do that sort of thing” category.  Booo!  His attitude here at the end (and maybe he was getting it from the other guys because he said they were talking about it) was that he wouldn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable situation.  Then he sort of acted like he thought it might be degrading towards me or something.  Or, like he likes me too much now to want to share.  Dammit! 

It’s kind of like this guy who gave me the flowers and wants to get to “second base”.  He looked at my cleavage when we were sitting on the couch together the other night and was like “I’m going to be good”.  I even made a comment about how he didn’t need to be but he never tried anything.  Then afterwards he texted to say how bad he had wanted me!!  He asked if I would have done anything with him and I said yeah, probably, and he freaked out!  My phone rang and it was him demanding to know WHY I would have done something with him that night??  I was like “why not??”  and he said he was kicking himself now.  SMDH….

I hate it that men seem to think they need to treat me as innocent and sexually delicate.  I really like it when a man gets more aggressive about things, though a lot of guys seem to confuse that with PUSHY, which I don’t like.  I mean the two cops?  Come on, did they think I was going to cry rape after agreeing to sleep in a hotel room with 3 men?  Um, not unless I’d blatantly told them NO and they kept pushing or something. 

Speaking of pushy, this young guy that I slept with last year keeps harassing me to see him tonight.  His texting is driving me nuts.  Just another reason I’m not that into the younger guys.  I told him sorry I couldn’t make it tonight and he just keeps pushing and pushing and asking why and saying he can come over and help me with whatever needs to get done.

I don’t like dealing with the immaturity and even though he’s really cute I just don’t have the desire to fuck him.  When I did it felt weird, like he was too wowed by my “older woman” skills or something, haha.  He’s 13 years younger than me and it makes me feel a little bit creepy and awkward.  I really need someone who can dominate me and it’s hard to get in that mental state with someone so young.

 Really, I just am not interested in seeing him right now.  He wasn’t offering to take me anywhere and just wants to come to my house, which means extra cleaning and work that I don’t feel like doing tonight.  I want a break and the Producer will be here at a hotel tomorrow so it’s not like I won’t be getting some more sex.  So here I am writing my blog!! 😉  Hope all of you all are having a more exciting night than me!!

 

 

How he got in, breaking down the door

I don’t know if any of you all watch Wife Swap on tv, but I saw an interesting episode the other day when I was visiting the Professor. I normally don’t watch much in the way of television, so I don’t follow the show, but he was finishing up his shower (I got there early) and it happened to be on.

In any case, there was a polyamorous family involved, as well as an ultra –religious, conservative, couple, so it caught my eye. I cannot tell you how much the right wing, conservative, politician guy reminded me of my ex -husband. Not in looks, (this guy had crazy hair and my ex was actually a pretty good looking fellow) but his behavior.

The polyamorous wife who was staying at his house as part of the swap seemed mostly sweet and easygoing. Her only request was that they not discuss religion or politics, but dude would not stop trying to shove the “gospel” (according to his interpretation) and his political beliefs upon her, despite her setting up a jar and insisting the family members put money inside every time those topics were brought up. The money would go to benefit some kind of gay and lesbian organization. At one point he even put in a $250 check, just to “buy” the chance to spout scriptures from Leviticus putting down her lifestyle and letting her know he thought she was hellbound. Eventually she ended up in tears, unable to respond or know what to say to these accusations or how to react to his attitude of superiority. The kids watched on in seeming agreement, obviously having been taught that their father’s way was the only one as well.

Watching that brought back a lot of memories of my marriage. It brought back the feeling of what it was like to try and discuss something rationally with my ex only to be shot down constantly by his superior attitude regarding Biblical knowledge and politics. Those were also his two favorite subjects (and he has degrees in both). In fact, no matter what I tried to talk about, he virtually always brought it back around to religion or politics in a very insistent way that only HE could be right and that nothing I had to say was in any way relevant or worth considering. This was the one area in life where he was definitely NOT passive. He could out argue and out debate and out-shout anyone for hours when it came to discussing his conservative viewpoints or interpretation of the Bible.

So while outwardly my ex- husband was passive natured, when it came to religion he was convinced that not only was he right but he was called and ordained of God to teach this stuff to others. I knew exactly WHY this conservative couple decided to be on Wife Swap (though they ended up bailing and declining to finish the show). They felt it was their God given DUTY to preach the word to anyone and everyone they could. There was no way Mr. Politician Husband was gonna shut up about this, money in the jar or not because that was his SOLE reason for being there, on TV, where they could get their message out, not only to this woman, but to anyone who was watching.

I am quite familiar with this mindset, because I lived it, daily, for almost 15 years. During our courtship I pretty much became my ex- husband’s pet project, a person he could convert and change into what he thought I should become, which was absolutely nothing close to what I WAS at the time. Don’t think I went in without a fight either! When we met I was quite liberal and my religious beliefs were far from Biblical.

In a way, it was sort of like a war. We debated a lot of topics and went head to head on things because I vehemently disagreed with his worldview and mindset. Yet, eventually I relented and gave in. He won. Why?

I can only say now, looking back, that I believe it was because he began hitting me where it hurt (verbally, not physically). He started to tear me down as a person, my life up until I had met him, my beliefs, just me. Telling me how wrong everything about me and my family was in the eyes of God and how shameful I was. He found my insecurities and doubts, the personal things I’d revealed, and used them to make me feel bad about myself. While to me these debates were originally just interesting discussions, to him they were for a purpose. In his view, a “higher” purpose.

I think he felt like he was “saving” me. Saving me from myself, my “sinful” nature, and my “evil” heart, things he said everyone had, but seemed to have a way of making it appear that I was worse than most. He’d quote scriptures to me and I’d express doubt. So he insisted we read through the entire Bible together as a couple. This became how we spent our dates (hot, I know right?). He said it would “prove” the things he was saying were true. I’d never read the Bible but I was open to hearing what another person had to say, probably too open. He used those sessions to drill into me his beliefs and ideas, and what it all meant, with a very authoritarian attitude. You couldn’t question God and he’d shame me when I tried.

Eventually, my skepticism wore out. He convinced me that he loved me like no one else would, that he wanted to marry me and that he would treat me so much better than all those horrible people in my past had done. It was true that I’d come from an abusive past and had some experiences as a young person that would be considered bad by a lot of people, yet he vilified them even more. He said he didn’t want to have sex with me until we were married, out of love and respect, that he wasn’t going to be like all those other guys who were only using me and treating me badly (his interpretation of course, which confused me and led me to question any times I’d thought may have been different in the past).

Admittedly I’d never experienced anything like this and I guess I fell for it, feeling like he was doing me some sort of “favor” by being with a girl like me. After all, I already had doubts about myself and insecurities, doubts that men wanted me for anything more than “just sex” and doubts about my marriage worthiness. Heck I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to get married, but what if this really was the only man who would be willing to take me? That’s sort of how he made me feel, and honestly I think he viewed it that way. Due to my sexual past I was “damaged goods” that no one would really want. Sadly, though I hadn’t really viewed it in that light before, I started to wonder. Is this how it really was? Did guys really think like that? Was I as awful as he made me out to be? If this “nice”, “Christian” man thought of me this way wouldn’t others be even crueler?

Basically, he was following the standard abuser pattern. Setting me up to feel like he was the only person that would be “good” to me and all the other guys would treat me worse because I was such an awful person, that didn’t deserve it. Only he was using the Bible, scriptures and religion to put the fear of God into me and the fear of Hell (which of course he believed in and told me if I didn’t that was where I’d be going). I was 18 years old, with no clue about the Bible or religion and wondered if he could be right? What if he was right and I made the mistake of not listening?

Eventually, with lots of pressure from him and from his parents and also from the church we’d started attending together, I caved in and got “saved” and baptized into the denomination he’d been a part of since birth. It’s not that I don’t believe the people there had good intentions, I think many of them did, but he went above and beyond even what the church taught, believing in a very old fashioned, hardcore, Bible thumping version of it all. After we got married his views just seemed to get more and more conservative.

We couldn’t go to movie theatres. I never understood that one, or how it was “against God”, but he was adamant. There would be no drinking whatsoever, or setting foot in any kind of a bar. Even restaurants with a prominent bar were questionable. We didn’t own a tv, which was fine because I didn’t have one in my dorm or ever have time to watch it anyway. He was adamantly against anything “secular” in our home and especially music. This was one of the hardest things for me. I broke down in tears when he asked me to throw away all my music because it wasn’t glorifying to God. I didn’t want to do it and he guilt tripped me into it, reminding me over and over how if I was “really” a serious Christian I wouldn’t hold onto “things of this world”. He was like what if our future children listened to this stuff? And went on to say how upset that would make him, if one day our children found one of my beloved tapes (hey this was back in the late 90’s) and turned away from God because of it.

I finally relented. He wouldn’t even let me sell my music because he said what if someone bought it and we caused them to turn from God by listening to it? So I threw caseloads of music into the dumpster behind our apartment that I had acquired throughout the years, music of all different genres, stuff that he said was in no way “glorifying to God” due to being “secular”. Any time he caught me humming to myself in the days, months and years afterwards, he would start singing loudly, in an attempt to drown me out with praise songs and hymns. I could no longer sing unless it was worshipful to God. On road trips and in the home, he’d want me to sing WITH him and sing songs I didn’t know, criticizing and making fun of me any time I made a mistake. Despite his own off key renditions and my years of choir practice, he was convinced that he was a much better singer.

He made me get rid of all my books too. He said he felt no books were necessary other than the Bible. He would reluctantly agree to occasional other books and later to children’s stories from the library with our kids but he was especially against marriage and relationship books and anything that reeked of “Psychology”, which was my major in college and what I have a degree in. He would make fun of and put down anything I said that he thought was using “psychology”, even going so far as to laugh and mock in later years when I worried that his calling the children “dummies” or putting them down could affect them badly in the future.

I could go on, there is so much more to tell, but I’m going to stop here today, while pointing out a couple of the ways in which his abusive nature was beginning to show. He was attempting to make me feel bad about myself as a person, to see him as the only rescuer, to mock the very thing I had a degree in, to take away things I loved and was interested in (music and books) and tell me they were “bad” for me (and future children) and in direct conflict with God, all to make me feel guilty and “wrong”. He would out-sing me and try to cover up the songs in my mind with the “songs of God”. This is even when I was singing songs from musicals I was in as a child or things I sang in choir, not stuff you’d necessarily associate with “evil”. In later years he told me that I “hated music” and that he was the only one who liked it, just because I wasn’t interested in hearing him blare Opera or classical music at high volumes when I was trying to focus on something else. At that point he’d decided that those forms of secular music were okay but anything I liked was not. Not that I even dislike Opera or classical music, particularly, it was just the way he was using it to drown me out.

When I had my affair it was such a relief because here was someone who is highly musically talented (he plays the piano, used to be in a jazz band, writes his own music, sings beautifully and often for people’s weddings and music was one of his majors in college) who actually APPRECIATED it when I sent him a video of a song I liked and reminisced with me about things we used to listen to when we were young. It was like, wow, I’m not crazy after all. There isn’t anything wrong with what I like even though I have someone here telling me I’m wrong all the time and that I have bad taste and what the hell I “don’t like music”? Me???

Yeah, more and more when I write it out I can see just how unreal it all was and how stereotypically his behavior folded out. In case you aren’t following this is a continuation of my last post Emotional and spiritual abuse, how it all began I’m sure I’ll have much more to write in further posts. Stay tuned.

Cum on!!!

So I was reading a post by one of my favorite bloggers, Not So Sex in the City, where she talks about her frustration in not being able to make this guy cum from a blowjob.

http://notsosexinthecity.wordpress.com/2013/02/19/the-art-of-blowjobs/

It kind of got the wheels spinning in my head because until last year I was one of those women who just couldn’t seem to cum with a man, not from oral, not from sex, not even in their presence. Though, Lord knows I was having plenty of orgasms on my own. Heck, I’d been having orgasms by myself since I was like 8 years old.

It’s not that I didn’t WANT to cum with men because I did! I very much wanted that experience and couldn’t understand why it wasn’t happening. It’s also not that I didn’t enjoy the sex because I very much DID. I enjoyed sex a LOT and didn’t think it was important that I have an orgasm during because I loved it so much anyway.

Thankfully, the majority of the men I had sex with didn’t seem too bothered that I wasn’t having orgasms. Perhaps they couldn’t even tell and many seemed to think I was great in bed. I made plenty of noise because I WAS having a good time. It wasn’t fake but when it came to an actual orgasm, I always seemed to be just on the edge, even with guys who I’d say were pretty darn good in bed.

Now I’m not gonna say I’ve NEVER faked an orgasm, because I have, though in recent years I’ve refused to. Now that I’m older and wiser I know better than to send a false message to a guy and let him think he’s getting me off when he isn’t. I don’t want to ruin the possibility that he may actually be able to do it for me for REAL in the future or turn him into a bad lover for the next woman.

I was so frustrated though! Frustrated that those fantasies of orgasms during sex seemed to be just that, a fantasy, and so out of reach. I wondered if women ever really did cum from vaginal sex and had my doubts, thinking that was probably a myth. I wondered if I would ever be able to cum from oral from another person.

I had vague memories of small orgasms when I was very young that came from another girl and I rubbing on each other as well and that fueled my belief that pressure on the clit was the only way. I’d heard and read things from men online claiming they had made a woman cum vaginally 30 times in an hour or something and thought that was complete bullshit and the women were faking it. How could that even be possible? I was convinced they were full of shit. The women who made those claims? Please they must be making that up! How could that even be possible? One orgasm with my toy and I was pretty much spent, at least for several minutes.

A lot of my fantasies actually involved other women, because I was so fixated on the idea that I was only capable of clitoral orgasms and it seemed that men just never knew well enough what to do and wouldn’t stay down there long enough to make it happen. Sure, some of them got me to the brink but then would disappoint by failing to “finish” me in that manner, probably due to eagerness to get their dick inside me. Not that I minded that at all, and I was generally chomping at the bit to get to fucking too, but it still remained a secret fantasy.

Part of the problem may have been that my first orgasms were using a shower massager and subsequently that was how a lot of my masturbation sessions went. I was very addicted to the warm, wet feeling of rushing water against my clit. Water that probably was much stronger than a tongue could ever be. I can even remember cumming at the public swimming pool when I was younger from leaning up against the water jets on the side. It just felt SO GOOD.

Though there were times I fingered myself or used objects inserted in my pussy when I was very turned on, I never was able to use them to the point of orgasm and always had to finish with water on my clit if I was going to cum. So that became my routine. While I fantasized about trying sex toys, I never was able to get my hands on one. My ex- husband was very against vibrators or sex aids of any kind so there was no way I could have gotten away with hiding one inside the house. Still there were many times I used a hairbrush handle or other device along with running water for double the pleasure. Hey, you gotta make do! LOL

It wasn’t until after my divorce that I finally invested in a sex toy. I didn’t have a shower massager in my house and while I could make myself cum still with running water it took a lot more effort. Not to mention that even the shower massager had gotten to the point where it was seemingly taking forever. I think by “forever” it was something like 20 minutes and by then the water was getting cold and that was with the massager, without it took a lot longer. Anyway, I was eager to try something new.

OH. MY. GOD. I loved that thing! Still do!! I got a Wet Turtle Vibrator from Adam and Eve (kind of like a rabbit, but with a single nub instead of “ears”) that I came so hard with, and in about 30 seconds the first time, ha! It was WONDERFUL!! I was so in love! Mmmmm…. I wore the dang thing out after about six months and had to get a new one. I have two now, just in case.

Here’s a pic of what mine looks like 😉

I tried a few other toys but they just didn’t do it for me. I mean, I could cum eventually but it was like eons later. One was a bigger rabbit style toy with ears that kinda hurt, another was a butterfly style thing that you strapped on like panties and wore and were supposed to be able to use with a partner and the last was some cheap piece of crap thing that was about half the size of my current toy with less than half the power. Didn’t do much but get me irritable because I couldn’t cum. Boo….

Anyway, I got used to my new toy and the feeling of something inside me during my orgasm and admittedly liked that even better than the hairbrush/water combo, lol. Some of those hairbrush handles are pretty nice nowadays too. 😉 Still, eventually, it got to where even THAT took a long time. Don’t get me wrong, there were/are times when I can still cum with it in under 5 minutes but most times we are looking at anywhere from 15-40.

Still, I was feeling more and more helpless and hopeless as far as a real man being able to make me orgasm. I thought about trying with a woman but hadn’t gone there just yet either, I suppose due to fear. I wondered if it would ever happen. Guys I’d never met told me that the other guys just weren’t doing it right, but I wasn’t so sure I believed them. The majority of the guys I have been with in my life were pretty experienced actually.

When my current FWB pulled me aside the morning after we’d had sex for the first time to discuss my lack of orgasming with him I was mortified. HE was more upset with HIMSELF for not making it happen but to me it was a humiliation. I felt like a total failure and didn’t know what to say when he asked what he could do differently. I wanted to crawl through the floor! He had pulled me on his lap on the couch and said he had a lot of fun but wanted to know what he could do and I didn’t know what to tell him! I was so embarrassed that I was unable to please him in that way. I felt awful and was afraid he’d never want to see me again because of it.

Fortunately he still did and months later, after several times of sleeping with him but no orgasms on my part, he did manage to make me cum. It was right before Valentine’s day and he was getting ready to leave the country for several months. I came right as he did (inside the condom inside me) and it felt great but it wasn’t a loud screaming type of orgasm. Still I could feel the unmistakable contractions that were just like when I came by myself in the shower or with my toy. He didn’t even know until I mentioned it later but he was happy to hear it. I was surprised, but pleased because now I knew it was a real possibility. Yay!! 🙂

Shortly after, I met my married man, off Craigslist, and well, here’s a bit of the story here: It’s a Small World After All

Mmmmmm…. He was and is SO INCREDIBLE!! I must have cum 50 times that night!! Then there was that time he used my toy on me while he went down on me and I just came over and over and over for like 20 minutes straight. I’ve cum with a few guys since then. The Professor (my current favorite) and my fuck buddy are both able to get me there regularly. I also came with the guy I mention in my first swinger party post that I did on a trailhead at a local walkway, even though I didn’t like him as much and also with a Hispanic guy that got me there with his fingers, maybe even some others but that’s all I know for sure right now. Still, I’m thrilled!! And yes the FWB has managed to do it again a couple of times as well. 😉

I’ve had to ask myself what has changed for me since before and I can come (pardon the pun, heh) up with several reasons it might be easier for me now.

1. I have RELAXED. I don’t feel “pressured” to cum for guys now or like it’s all on me.

2. I’ve stopped worrying as much about getting the GUY off and have become more selfish in bed. That might seem counterintuitive but it’s been key in me being able to obtain orgasms, which ultimately makes men happier with me.

3. I’ve come to realize that I’m really much happier being submissive in bed and there is no reason to pretend to be someone I’m not. Guys may talk shit about women who “just lay there” in bed but in reality that is what is going to make him into the super lover that he wants to be, at least with me! Allowing him to have control is definitely a big part of me losing mine. Nowadays I screen for men who LIKE to be dominant in bed. It makes a huge difference to me because I don’t want to be the one in control.

4. Getting older? I don’t know if it’s just the wisdom that comes with age or if there is more to it than that but the Professor says a lot of women he knows weren’t able to orgasm with men until they were in their 30’s. That’s one of the reasons he says he prefers older women too. By then we “know what we want” more. He has also theorized that it has something to do with physical changes in the walls of your vagina where you feel differently, but I don’t know if that’s the case or not. Still a possibility!

5. Men get more skilled as they get older and gain more experience and nowadays I’m meeting more skilled men than in the past.

6. My body got more used to cumming in a different way with a toy rather than always in the shower. I think this did change some things because nowadays it takes me a lot longer with the shower massager than with a toy. So I may have retrained my body not to need that.

7. Something about finally cumming the first time vaginally and then that experience with the married man set me off or let my body loose to experience what I was holding back on before without realizing it. I was always just teetering on the brink but couldn’t get there and now I don’t have that hump to cross.

Whatever it is, I am happy!! LOL The married man started me off making me cum with oral for the first time, over and over and he is still the only one who has been able to do that. Yet, now I can cum vaginally with or without oral beforehand and of course I still enjoy both to the full.

As for making a guy cum with a blowjob, for those who say they never can, I suspect their hangups are sometimes similar to mine in that if they feel a lot of pressure it’s not as likely to happen. The Professor is one of these men who “can’t” cum with a blowjob and says he never has before as well. I’ve thought inwardly that I would like to change that for him but I haven’t put in the real effort to make it happen just yet. I do give him blowjobs but it’s generally a prelude to sex or a break during. He does cum in my mouth quite often, which I enjoy, but he pulls out at the end when he feels he is going to orgasm and I suck him off from there. We don’t use condoms so it’s a nice way to finish with less risk of pregnancy.

There was one time when I had offered to come over and give him just a blowjob (when I was on my period) and he ended up seeing that married woman instead and I got my feelings hurt. He made some comment about how that “wasn’t enough” and he would want to have sex. I admit that has turned me off a bit towards making it happen. That and he takes a REALLY LONG TIME to cum during sex, which is fabulous for making ME cum but the thought of giving an hour and a half blowjob IS a tad daunting, lol.

Still I would like to try, I just don’t want him to feel that he HAS to please me that way or I know it will make it harder (cumming, not his cock, lol, that’s always hard with me 😉 ). I’ve got this theory that the people that have a hard time orgasming are often GIVERS in the bedroom. It’s how I USED to see things. I used to feel like I needed to be the one making HIM happy and go out of my way to please. Since I stopped doing as much and focusing more just on receiving and relaxing it has gone much better.

The Professor is very much a giver in the bedroom and he succeeds in giving me orgasms over and over and over consistently but as far as kicking back and just enjoying a good long blow job with no expectations I think that is harder for him. I’m so gonna have to work on making that become a reality at least once. He did comment once that I had made him hard right after sex and made him able to go for a second round and he said even when he was younger that was never a possibility for him, so there’s a start anyway, lol. Wish me luck!! Maybe I will be his “first” at something else!! 😀

Pressure on dates…. ugghhh

Last night I went out with a new guy. He was someone I met off the swinger site. He had like 60 validations and from his pictures he was hot, hot, hot!! The only face pictures I saw were not straight on. Like he was looking down or had the camera slightly in front of him but from what I could see he was good looking. He was really muscular and had a set of six pack abs. His cock was….gigantic. Maybe on the level of “too big” that I mentioned in the previous post about Big Black Men. I wasn’t too concerned about that though and I never asked him his actual measurements.

In any case he lives 3 hours away so I was a bit surprised that he had emailed me. I responded once and then had forgotten about him until the Professor had gone to a swinger party in another town and I had ended up here alone after not finding any sufficient men off Craigslist. It was then that I emailed him back and we got to texting. He seemed pretty cool, other than an annoying habit of calling me “babe” and sounding a bit full of himself.

Still I figured if we were to meet he would probably be someone I’d sleep with. When I asked him about the distance between us he claimed it was no big deal and he travels frequently. He didn’t mind driving up here to meet me and said he was looking for a “swinging partner” to join him at parties. I kinda let him know that I had that already but he wasn’t deterred.

Anyway, I again forgot about him for a bit, until he texted early in the week to let me know he would be coming through my town on his way to a big city a few hours away. So we agreed to meet up. We flirted a little over text and he asked for more pics of me but I didn’t send him any.

I told the Professor I was going out on a date, which was kind of hard but he didn’t say a whole lot. I asked if he was cool with it and he said “It doesn’t matter. I am sick anyway and you are free to do what you want”. Not really encouraging and I felt bad that it was when he was sick but I went out anyway. I still don’t feel like we have completely worked things out from the other day. Nevertheless I still care for him and think I want to keep seeing him. I asked if he had slept with anyone without telling me and got a very adamant NO!!!!

So, onto my date. At first he had tried to squiggle out of taking me out beforehand and wanted to come straight to my place. I wasn’t having it. There is no way of telling if he would be a creepy stalker type or if I even want to have sex with someone without meeting them in public first. Being at my house is just too much pressure on me if I decide I DON’T want to and guys can really lay that pressure on thick. Plus he’d know where I live. One of the guys I slept with once last year STILL freaking harasses me and I am SO GLAD he doesn’t know where my house is. He tries to make me feel guilty for not wanting to see him again when actually the first night I did because I was under a lot of pressure and he basically ripped my clothes off and just started licking me. Then he was holding me down and not letting me get up to leave when I wanted to. I have had other experiences before where I ended up sleeping with someone I really wasn’t that excited about because I felt obligated and just in case I wanted a chance to assess things in a public setting.

I was an hour and a half later than I expected for meeting him. I felt bad but had to run my kids to their dads and come back which took about an hour and then was trying to clean up around the house before having anyone over. That’s another reason I don’t really like to have guys over at MY place. I have kids and there is always some cleaning up to do after they leave and it interferes with me trying to get ready to go out. Like, who wants to be cleaning the toilet and sweeping right before a date and right after showering? UGGH. It’s not putting me in a sexy mood, lol, and I start feeling resentful like can’t this guy just get a hotel or something and here he is wanting me to hurry and get there. Don’t worry, I kept him updated as to when I was coming and I had TOLD him beforehand that it was just an estimate as far as the time, but he did have to wait awhile.

What kills me is that later he claimed he was getting a hotel here in town because he wasn’t planning on driving straight through due to it being late. WTF? Then why the hell didn’t he get a hotel BEFORE the date and spare me all the extra cleaning (I had told him that is what I had to do). Why did he need to come to my house? SMFH Driving my kids to their Dad’s house is annoying to me too. It’s way out of my way and costs a lot of gas money. His vehicle isn’t working and I feel like in some ways he is deliberately sabotaging things for me. He’s passive aggressive like that. He keeps making our lives more and more difficult and I think it’s a continuation of the emotional abuse that went on in our marriage.

So I’m not in the best mood but I got myself together and all fixed up and headed to the sports bar where we were meeting. It was packed and he was sitting just inside the door. He doesn’t look nearly as attractive face to face as he did in the pictures. He’s still a decent looking guy but there is just something I don’t like and can’t put a finger on it. I smell something that smells vaguely like, well…. shit, lol, but I don’t know where it is coming from because there are a lot of people there around him. I notice his teeth are a bit messed up in the front. Apparently he was careful to hide that in the pictures.

He hugs me and says that maybe we should just leave or go someplace else since it is so crowded. I sense that he is trying to get out of buying me a drink, which is a turn off too. I suggest maybe we should just sit at the bar and he agrees. We order our drinks and the guy cards us, so I whip out my ID (it cracks me up to get carded when I’m only 4 years away from 40 but whatever, lol, it happens every time I go out). However, he doesn’t have his ID and has to go back out to the car. He takes a long time and I start to wonder if I’ve been ditched but chat a bit with the bartender (who is a cute, kinda hot blonde guy). He apologizes for carding us but says he has to. I start to wonder about the guy I am with and how old he actually is. He does look kinda younger than I expected and I can’t remember what he told me before.

So finally the guy comes back and has his ID. I ask him how old he is and he states 26. Yeah, that is a little on the young side for me. I’ve never really been a cougar and my one experience with a 22 year old made me feel awkward even though he was handsome and nice and okay in bed. It just felt weird and I couldn’t do it again even though he wanted me to. Generally, I Iike men my age or older, though a few years younger is okay. My fuck buddy just turned 29.

I think I smell that smell again and I am almost sure it is coming from him. Gross. I’m starting to think I definitely don’t want to do this. However, we talk for a bit and he is nice. He is in college and majoring in Psychology, which is what I got my degree in. He works in a group home which I have also done in the past. He’s nice but I’m still not feeling the connection. Something about the look in his eyes, I just don’t feel it…and the smell. He’s not bad looking or anything, but not what I expected and while he looks muscular it’s not nearly so much as he seemed in the pictures. He’s very tall though and says 6 foot 3.

When the bartender asks if I want another drink I say no, thinking I don’t want him to have to pay too much since I am not really feeling him. He says come on have another one and tells the bartender to get me another Mojito anyway.

After our drinks he pays and we head outside. He asks if I want to head back to my place and I say I’m really not sure that I do. He says oh, you are nervous huh and says he will walk me to my car and we can talk a bit. So we are standing by my van and he keeps saying I must be nervous. He tries to kiss me and I kind of pull away. He keeps talking about how nervous I am and I tell him I’m just not feeling much chemistry and not sure I want to do this.

He keeps telling me it is because I am nervous and says I will change my mind once we get back to my house. I say I don’t know that I want to go back to my house and he says I am just nervous and we should sit and talk in my van for a bit. I reluctantly agree and he gets inside. He tries to kiss me again and yeah there is a faint smell of crap. Yuck! Did he step in dog poo or is he unwashed or what? Ewwwww…. I pull away and say I am not ready for this. So he starts trying to put his hand between my legs. I push him away and say I really just don’t know if I want to do this.

He starts asking me if I have ever brought a guy back to my house the first time we met from the site and I say no, which is true but I have done so from other sites. Still I don’t want to encourage him. So he goes on about how I am just nervous and will change my mind once we are in a different setting. I say I really don’t think I will so he launches into an argument about how this is the “perfect time” and we have “a great opportunity” to do this. I tell him repeatedly that I don’t feel the chemistry with him and also he is younger than I expected (I later looked at his profile again and it says he is 110). He keeps saying he thinks I am hiding something that I will end up telling him later. So when that doesn’t work I use the Professor as an excuse and say I am in a bit of an open relationship but I don’t want to hurt him too much by sleeping with just anyone unless I am really feeling the chemistry.

Over and over he keeps trying to convince me (by arguing, totally unsexy) that this is our opportunity and that if I don’t do it now I will regret it later and be texting him and wanting to meet again to feel the chemistry. He says he is not good at conveying chemistry till we get to the bedroom. I tell him again that I don’t feel it now and don’t think that will change and don’t want to go back to my house. He asks what it is about him that I don’t like and was like “you liked my pictures, didn’t you??” I said it’s not anything about his looks and that we had a nice conversation earlier but I’m just not feeling him. He kept demanding I be more specific as to why I didn’t like him. I wasn’t gonna say “you smell like dogshit” but also I didn’t feel it with him at all so kept focusing on that. He didn’t like my vague reasoning, but what was I supposed to say?

He starts to get a little angry and I tell him I feel too pressured. So he asks if it’s because I am afraid he is going to have a one night stand with me and never talk to me again. I say no. (Oh, Hell no, more like I am afraid he would become clingy, needy, annoying as hell and turn into a stalker like a couple of guys I have slept with once in the past). This went round and round and round with him trying to argue and me trying to get rid of him for OVER AN HOUR AND A HALF. A couple times he tried to kiss me again and tried to rub my clit over my pants. I pulled away and told him I just didn’t want to do this and that he was pressuring me and he said he wasn’t going to force me to do this but that it was a “perfect opportunity”. Sigh…guilt trip after guilt trip.

One of my children called me on the phone (thank God) and I said I need to go pick them up. He acted angry that I wasted all this time being “unsure” when we could have been doing other things and said he would like to meet me again on Sunday when he comes back through and maybe then I would feel the chemistry. He asked where we were going to go from here and whether I would want to talk to him again. I said “I wouldn’t waste your time” and he said “oh but it’s not a waste of my time at ALL, you are gorgeous”. Repeat about 5 times. No, I am not feeling it, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. I am sorry this isn’t going to work.

He acted like I was breaking up with him or something and looked like he was about ready to cry. I felt bad but I just didn’t want to have sex with him. He blamed me that he was too tired to drive through to the other city but he had known beforehand it was going to be late when he left. I said he still had plenty of time and he said no he had been planning to get a hotel and stay here because it was too long of a drive. He knew darn well I wasn’t gonna have him stay at my place because I was due to get my kids. At least he should have known that. No way a strange man is sleeping at my place with my kids there.

FINALLY, he gets out of the van, slams the door like he is angry and looks like he wants to cry. I feel bad but I just had NO DESIRE to sleep with the man. This is why I HATE going on dates with new people. You just don’t know for sure if you are going to like them and guys cannot take it when you say no. UGH, UGH, UGH!!! I wanted him to leave so badly but he just wasn’t accepting it. I don’t know how I could have been any more clear other than to say “GET THE FUCK OUT” which is not something I am comfortable saying. I am way too polite for that and hate to hurt people.

I thought the Professor would be glad I didn’t sleep with the guy but when I told him the short version of the story (that this guy had spent an hour and a half trying to argue me into sleeping with him) he was like “well, what do you expect, you met him on a sex site!!” I asked if he felt that meant I was obligated to have sex with him and he said no but that is what guys are going to think. Surely they have to understand that it may not work out in person just because you liked them online though!! How hard is that to comprehend? I did not make him drive to my city, he was supposedly coming through anyhow. I don’t like this kind of pressure at ALL and truth be known I am pretty darn picky. It makes me DREAD meeting new people in the future and possibly having to go through all this again.

Just because someone’s pictures look good does not mean in person they will be what you thought. I have come across that more than once and was bound and determined NOT to have sex with anyone I didn’t feel completely comfortable with and turned on by, from a sex site or anywhere else! How the hell would I be turned on enough to have sex after an hour of him trying to ARGUE with me and debate and convince anyway? He was NOT doing anything to make me excited to sleep with him. I definitely need a little bit of that from a guy to be attracted. I do feel bad that his time was wasted but I don’t owe him sex. I’m actually proud of myself for standing by my guns and saying NO despite all the pressure. I can’t believe the Professor didn’t get that. MEN. Sheesh….