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Red flags and other tidbits

warning

 

I just got back from dinner with the man I recently referred to as Mr. Shady. It ended because his girlfriend called, angry, and he had to take me home, in order to go argue with her. Nice. LOL I’m just glad I didn’t go back to his house first and end up with a surprise visit!

This is the guy I went to an art walk with once, and saw one other time. I’m not that physically attracted to him and I didn’t want to kiss him. I discovered WHY later, when I saw a can of Skoal on his coffee table and asked about it. Yuck!

Anyway, I called him “shady” because he is just that. The things he tells me are sometimes crazy off the wall. The more I hear, the more I wonder about him overall.

I mean sometimes its little things, like the way he told me he was “forging papers” at work like it was nothing, or the fact that he claims to have “stolen” the cable in his apartment. Other times its his “jokes” about how he only has 4 kids that he “knows of” or about how he wants to eat cake batter out of my pussy (what?). Even tonight at dinner, he was pretending he was going to pocket the silverware from the restaurant. Who does that, when they are almost 40? SMFH…

Then there was the story he told me, about some escort he knows, who supposedly got tied up, dunked in a toilet and anal raped, then severely beat up, by a famous football player (he didn’t give names). Later he mentioned wanting to tie ME up. I wasn’t feeling that, for some reason, after the horror story.

He asked me the other day if I wanted to be in a relationship with him and I told him no, I’m not ready to be tied down. He said he wouldn’t mind if I fucked other people, that he has dated escorts and strippers and it doesn’t bother him at all. Still, I wasn’t interested.

I’m really not all that interested in him at all, so why am I even talking to him? I don’t know…I guess its because he’s really incredibly good at going down on me and wasn’t too bad in bed either. There were things I liked and he is at the least, entertaining. He’s persistent too, and flatters me a lot.

After tonight though, I just don’t know. He told me a story about how his ex wife tried to run him over with a car. He said he jumped on the hood and she drove for a minute then slammed on the brakes, throwing him. He showed me the scar on the back of his head where he says it was split open. According to him, she then started yelling at him that she wished they had never had a baby together, because now her child was “half ni**er”. Its hard for me to picture someone actually saying that but he claims that is why he then punched her and broke her nose. He said he knows he was wrong but that he lost it and had to pay her thousands in damages as well as go to domestic violence counseling.

Wow. What do you say to that? IDK. It’s made me even more leery to be spending time with him, even if it’s just for sex. Not sure what I am going to do now. He wants to meet with me in a couple of days. What with the crazy stories and the current angry girlfriend though… yeah, this could be bad news. Did I mention we drove past a lake and he made some comment about how he had heard it was full of dead bodies? Uhhh.. really?

I’m not even sure how I am going to end things. This guy calls a lot on the phone and he even knows where I live. I suppose I could block him and just stop answering calls and texts. I may have to do that.

Okay, enough about him. Lets get to some of my better stories, like the one about the Cohort meeting someone I’ve had sex with, at a gangbang party on the lake.

Let me just say first, that I am genuinely liking the Cohort quite a bit. He has a great personality and is a lot of fun. I’m also working for HIM too now, in addition to the Married Man. He’s got a little Ebay store, besides his regular job, that he has me helping with.

I’m actually enjoying it. He’s a bit of a perfectionist, but so am I, and we seem to be working well together. He likes my input and ideas and thinks I can actually help him make quite a bit more money, plus its beneficial to me and pays more than what I am doing for the Married Man. Not quitting on him yet though. 😉

Actually, since I’ve been working for the Married Man, I’ve discovered I like him more than I thought I would as a person. He’s actually kinda sweet, though when he last came over to deliver a paycheck, he looked like he wanted to eat me for breakfast! 😉 We haven’t been able to have sex since the kitchen table incident, but I am sure we will soon. Its definitely not for lack of desire.

For awhile, he was texting me, like clockwork, around midnight every night. I think the fantasy was there, but something was holding it back from actually turning into a booty call.

The Cohort seems to like me a fair amount too. Like, the other day, he was at a strip club and texting me how he wished it was me there, riding him. I was like, I cannot believe this guy is texting me while he is getting a lap dance! LOL THEN, he texts me while he is at a gangbang!

He said he and one of the other guys were talking, and my name came up. Turns out it was another one of my playmates. I’m like oh crap, which one is he talking about??

At first, I thought maybe it was Mr. Firm. I know he knows this couple and that wouldn’t bother me so much. But then I was thinking, it could be any number of guys. I knew it wasn’t the Host (even though I’ve seen him fucking this woman before) because the Cohort saw him at the party we attended together, and he didn’t know this guy’s name.

As a quick aside, the Host and I had a little booty call the other day and I made him cum from a blow job, he says for the first time in his life. So, I did it again a few minutes later ;). I also questioned him a bit more on his behavior towards me at that party and he again said I was ignoring him. He said he talked to the Cohort in the bathroom, and from what he was telling me it made it sound like he (Mr Host) was being a bit of a jerk. Sigh.

He claims the Cohort told him he’d “heard about him” and that he thought it was something bad. Come on! All he knew, was that virtually everyone at the party that I knew, mentioned that they had met me, at the Host’s house. The way he made it sound, was like the Cohort said that to him, and he blew him off and walked away. How rude. Ugh.

Okay, so back to this gangbang. They are gangbanging some woman and somehow my name came up (???) He said the guy was military. Well that narrows it down…. a little…

Finally I got a name. Yep. It was Mr. Military himself. Oh Lord. I’ve been trying to avoid him. I thought moving away would be good enough but he’s actually contacted me several times since then, wanting to come by and visit and saying he misses me, that I always made him feel great and he loved my smile. He even referred to me once as “innocent” (wth?)

I had felt kind of bad putting him off, but apparently his little talk with the Cohort was enough to stop all communication. I haven’t heard from him since. The Cohort says he wasn’t trying to “stake his claim” or anything, but that he let everyone know, in no uncertain terms, that we had been hanging out and that there would be more to come in the future. Hmmmm….

I’m actually glad and the Cohort really doesn’t appear to be the jealous type or anything. I think he just means we are going to continue to see each other, which is totally cool with me. He knows I fuck different guys, like my other boss, and Mr. Poly, though he doesn’t know about allll of them.

Speaking of Mr. Poly…wow, if I’ve ever had a real Sugar Daddy, this might be it, haha. Or at least close to it! He’s currently having the a/c in my van looked at and possibly even paying to fix it (we will see). Meanwhile, I get to drive his SUV!!

He’s also paying for his girlfriend and I to take pole dance classes together. I’ve been wanting to join this gym up here since I moved here and just didn’t have the money. When I mentioned it he was eager to pay for us both to get started. They also have stuff like Zumba and what they call “Urban Yoga” which I guess is like yoga moves to less relaxing music (50 Cent? LOL I guess I’ll find out).

On top of that, he went out the next day and bought a pole!! He had it set up in an empty room at the girlfriend’s house (that he owns). Then he had his people (I guess they are maintenance people, that’s what he calls them) paint the room and add disco lights to the ceilings and wire speakers into it as well. Now we have a fun place to practice and I’m sure he will want a private dance. He’s gonna put a couch in there too! Woohoo!!

I still don’t really know what this guy does for a living. He did say he was actually going to BUY one of the clubs that we went to a couple of weeks ago, but they wouldn’t sell it, and he is supposedly buying the auto shop where my van is getting looked at too. He says he has a couple of limos. He’s got people working to install internet in places and also works with the electric companies and casinos. That and he carries a gun with him all the time, supposedly because of some of the areas he has to work in. Who knows? I’m just happy to be getting the little side “benefits” lol.

The girlfriend seems to be warming up to me. I’ve been pretty nice to HER and I think she wants someone to hang out with. Still, I don’t think either of us is interested in fucking the other. Mr. Poly is nice and not bad looking, but I’m not probably as interested in him as he is in me either. The sex isn’t BAD or anything but its mediocre. Still, its all a fun diversion, and like I’ve said before, having a Sugar Daddy has always been a bit of a fantasy scenario.

So folks, thats a wrap for tonight. Hope all is well with all of you!!

FMF Fail….

jealous woman

Meeting with this new guy, who calls himself “poly,” has been interesting. I finally met his “open” girlfriend, of 3 years. He asked me beforehand not to mention our little rendezvous at the casino, saying that she had been “depressed” at the time, so he didn’t think it was a good idea to tell her. Red flag? Probably, but I went along with it.

I’m thinking if there is any reason she might be bothered by this at all, then maybe it isn’t quite the scenario he made it out to be. According to him, she is perfectly fine with him fucking other women, though she chooses only to sleep with him. He said sometimes she even just likes to watch, and that she was eager to meet me.

We met at a Bob Evans for brunch. Mr. Poly and his girlfriend were already in the lobby, which was quite packed, and it looked like they may have been arguing. I was in a cute, but not especially revealing, sundress. I didn’t want to look too competitive. She was in jeans and a t-shirt, cute enough, but fairly plain looking, white, and obviously older than I am. She barely acknowledged me when I said hi, though he was friendly.

Because of the crowd, it was decided we would go elsewhere and it took driving to a couple of different places before we finally settled on an IHOP near my house. We all rode together in his SUV, with me sitting behind the two of them. They bickered a bit, like an old married couple, and I only interjected a few times, trying to be positive.

During the drive, I overheard a conversation between them that seemed to be about another woman he was seeing, someone he had mentioned to me before. Apparently, he had let her rent a house from someone he knows and she was supposed to be paying rent, but isn’t. The girlfriend was complaining about this woman calling her and that she didn’t want to be brought into whatever the issues were between the two of them. My red flag alarm sounded again.

We had a really sweet waitress but the woman seemed less than friendly towards her. She wasn’t awful or anything, just not super polite. Maybe it’s me, but I generally try to be nice to people that are serving me somewhere (and if I’m the one paying I make sure to leave a nice tip). She also cut her mouth somehow while eating her omelette and it was bleeding a bit, so that probably made her even more cranky. All in all, it wasn’t going that well.

We made small talk but it was a little awkward. The girlfriend, and Mr. Poly, are both from a richer area of the city, where they tend to be a bit snobbish. He didn’t seem bothered but she made a comment about not having ever been in this area, and seemed kinda uncomfortable with it. I really like it here. It’s pretty racially diverse and some people assume that means “ghetto,” even though it’s really not.

Anyhow, it was okay but I wasn’t thinking I would want to have sex with this woman. Nevertheless, he texted me later and told me that she liked me and thought I was sweet. Really? I couldn’t tell, but okay. Maybe she just seemed standoffish because she was nervous or something.

He really wanted us all to go out together and go dancing. He said he would be willing to pay for babysitting (and offered to pay about double the amount I said I would need) so I agreed to go out to a club. They were really talking this place up and it was funny because it is the same place the Pilot had driven me past previously and told me about.

According to the Pilot, this is sort of a “Lifestyle” club. When I mentioned it to the Cohort, he laughed and said it was an old people’s hangout. He says it’s where guys like them go to pick up easy, old, broads when they are hard up. Aha, well, at least he’s honest about it.

I met them there one evening later in the week. I couldn’t get out as early as planned, so they were drinking when I arrived. The girlfriend was a bit sloshed already. There was another guy with them, someone Mr. Poly had mentioned and his girlfriend had complained about over brunch. He’s a hard-up, recently divorced, and still depressed, friend of his. I was hoping it wasn’t a set up.

There was also a table of Mr. Poly’s work connections that he said he wasn’t expecting to see that night. I made sure to be on fairly good behavior and made a point of talking to the friend, even though there was no way in hell I would fuck him. Toward the end of the night I was actually letting Mr. Poly buy drinks for me and passing them to this guy, lol, because he said he was broke and no one ever buys drinks for him. I wasn’t trying to get trashed because I had to drive back later.

The girlfriend was a little more friendly, maybe? Not really though, she mostly was asking Mr. Poly to dance with her. He didn’t as often with me, but he did some, and told me when it was just the two of us that he had been researching me on the internet and found a wedding picture of me with my ex husband! I was kind of shocked that was even out there but found it myself later.

He commented on how good looking my ex husband was, as though he were surprised. I guess when I talk about him he doesn’t exactly sound hot, but I wasn’t attracted to him for no reason! LOL He is a nice looking guy, still, but I am not attracted to him at all whatsoever anymore. Six pack abs mean nothing when you act the way he does. At least I got some really cute kids out of the deal.

We drank and danced to some older music and I got asked to dance by some older men. Later in the night a guy showed up who was closer to my age, and visiting from out of town. He was an orthopedic surgeon and pretty cute, but short and a little too skinny for me. He looked about 21, but said he was 35.

We were standing at the bar and he was buying drinks when Mr. Poly appeared and pulled him aside. When he left, the guy told me “I just got the prom talk”. I was like WTF? He said he told him he’d better treat me well or he would be after him, or something to that effect. Um…okay. A couple minutes later the girlfriend showed up and invited us back over to the table with them.

The surgeon was like “looks like Mommy and Daddy don’t want you back here with me” and laughed, but we went over and they acted friendly. The girlfriend, probably at the suggestion of Mr. Poly, asked the surgeon to dance, but he later came back to me again. Meanwhile Mr. Poly said something about how I am “in the circle now” and that they would “take care of me” and make sure I am safe. Circle?

Okay, whatever. When I was dancing with the surgeon again, he was fingering me under my dress. We moved to the bar for more of the same and he unbuttoned his pants to slip my hand inside. He was like “I feel like we are in Mommy and Daddy’s basement all over again”.

Mr. Poly and the girlfriend decided it was time to leave and asked me if I was coming with them or the other guy. I didn’t want to be rude, and since he was paying my babysitting, of course I went back with them. He encouraged the surgeon to give me his number though and the guy texted to try to get me to come back to his hotel room. I never made it and he was heading back out of town the next morning. He did call later and say he will contact me if he comes back this way, maybe in a couple of months.

Mr. Poly said he was kind of surprised, but very pleased, that I had chosen to go back with the two of them. He thought I might leave for a younger guy, and was impressed that the man was a surgeon. He said “you did good”.

I rode with them back to a big, expensive looking, house, which turned out to be hers. When I asked him if it was his house he said “kinda” which left me wondering, but she told me inside that it belongs to her. Hmmmm…. On Mother’s Day, he said something about his kids coming home for the holiday, which left me wondering if he is actually lying about being divorced.

Anyhow, we went up to her bedroom. She seemed tired, drunk and grouchy and turned off the lights, then climbed under the blankets, covering her head. He kissed and made out with me a bit in the big master bathroom, in front of the mirror, while sliding off my dress and bra. Once I was standing there in just my thong panties, he beckoned me back to the bed.

He told me to get under the covers and was trying to get her to come out. She was behaving like a wife with a headache. So he slipped on a condom and started fucking me. It was okay, but awkward and uncomfortable, not knowing how she was going to react. I tried to pretend she wasn’t there.

After a bit, he pulled out and tried to coax her into fucking him again. She said something that sounded like she was accusing him of not wearing a condom with me and he argued that yes he did. She finally acquiesced, riding him, while he pulled me up close, playing with my nipple while his arm was around my shoulders. It felt weird.

At some point he slipped on another condom and wanted me to take a turn riding him. Then he pulled her onto his face, so the two of us were bumping boobs. It still felt awkward and she and I were kinda laughing. She got off after a bit and complained of being “tired” so he left her alone and wanted me to suck his dick.

He straddled my face for a little before he turned me around and did me doggystyle. We stopped after a little while and I’m pretty sure none of us got to cum. She still seemed annoyed and irritated and didn’t want to come along when he took me home, though she did hug me goodbye. She was just acting pissed at HIM and refused his overtures.

Ugh. I was hoping he and I could at least finish in the car. He made some jokes about doing that on the way back to my vehicle, but didn’t actually follow through. Ah well…. so much for that!

She texted the next morning and apologized, saying she was drunk and that he had told her she was being mean. She said she hopes we can be friends. I’m not so sure she really meant it.

Meanwhile, he obviously still likes me a lot. He has been contacting me frequently and wanting to talk, offering to do things for me, and saying he wants to see me again. There goes my second experience with FMF…. not much better than the first, lol. I’m thinking you need to have two women who are into it and into each other, as well as don’t feel threatened or jealous, and that just hasn’t happened with me yet.

Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

Feeling abandoned :(

abandoned

I don’t know if I can continue on what I have with the Professor any longer.  His most recent visit with the married woman caused me a lot of hurt and not for the reasons you might think.  It was less about the fact that he was having sex with her and more about the way I felt he abandoned ME.

Things started out okay.  I knew he was going up to her city for a tournament he was coaching.  I knew there was a possibility of them sleeping together, and even of her staying the night, though the past couple of times her husband has nixed their get togethers so I wasn’t sure how likely it actually was.

The day before he left we saw each other and had great sex.  I was feeling better about things.  The next morning he came and picked me up from the auto shop where my vehicle was being repaired and surprised the kids and I with donuts.  He was like “you look cute this morning” when I got in the car but when I moved over to kiss him as he was driving he didn’t respond.  This made it where I couldn’t quite reach him and I was like “you won’t let me kiss you?”  He said it was because he was driving and he did kiss me later when I got out of the car, but that first instance set a bad feeling in my stomach because it was right before he was heading out of town and would be seeing HER.  I felt like he was starting to pull away from me.

I tried to brush it off but the image stuck in my mind.  I KNOW I have massive abandonment issues and it is something I really struggle with.  The Professor is aware of this because in times past, when the married woman came to visit him I have pretty much flipped.  Each time it’s been due to me feeling ignored and set aside due to her being there. 

It all started with the very first time she came down and he suddenly completely ignored me for THREE DAYS.  We had had sex the day before and I thought everything was so great and was totally confused and hurt by his sudden abandonment of me.  His excuse afterwards was that she was crying over some guy she didn’t even know who had stood her up and needed his attention.

 I have a hard time buying that story.  Who cries for three days over a stranger?  Maybe someone who is being manipulative and trying to keep his attention off of ME.  Or maybe she wasn’t and he was lying?  Or she’s really THAT pathetic?  In any case it made me feel pretty awful that he would treat me like that just because of her and set the whole thing off to a really bad start.

The next couple of times weren’t much better.  Once he skipped a prearranged date with me because she decided she wanted to come see him.  I was on my period but had offered to give him a great blow job and he said, as part of his reasoning that “that wouldn’t be ENOUGH for him anyway”.  Ouch. 😦

Then there was the time she came down on the weekend before my BIRTHDAY, the only time that week he and I would have been able to have a date, and when he had promised and planned to take me out and do something special.  Well, it never happened.  He chose that haggard old married bitch over me and I was NOT HAPPY.  He tried to make up for it by dropping off a bottle of wine and a cake on my doorstep on the day of my birthday and also took the kids and me out for ice cream, but yeah, that’s not quite like an ADULT date ending in sex and I haven’t really forgiven him for that. 

Another time I had invited him over for dinner and even bought steak for us to eat but she decided to stay an extra day at his house and he “forgot”.  Each time was painful for me and we got into some big arguments.  I felt like I was being treated as second best. 

What disturbed me so much was that the REST of the time, when she’s not there, he’s WONDERFUL to me, he’s like the perfect guy and I’d fall harder and harder for him and then he’d do a complete 180 when that woman came around.  It didn’t help when I found a love note she had written him sitting atop his dresser (under my jewelry, where he’d told me to put it the night before) or that when we’d first started seeing each other he’d made it out like she was just a fuck buddy, yet later admitted she was “in love” with him. I’ve written about all of this stuff before in previous posts.

He would SAY that he sees us as “equal” and doesn’t put one of us before the other, but I felt like his actions were saying otherwise.  Why would he keep dropping dates with me and letting her decide to hang around longer and all of that if he cared as much about me?  Once he even made the excuse that he has known her longer (6 months longer) as though I give a flying fuck.  That doesn’t give him a reason to put me out and it made me very angry.

He also tried to say this is just “the Lifestyle” and that he and I aren’t in a “relationship” but are just fwb.  That stung because if this isn’t a “relationship” then why does he want to text with me all day every day (and gets upset if I take a while to respond)?  Why is he buying stuff for me and my kids?  Why is he taking me to parties with him and having sex with me and taking me out on dates and making dinner for me and coming over to my place for Easter dinner?  Why does he insist that we tell each other every time we play with someone else?  Why does HE get upset each time I’m with another man and need my reassurance and talking to him afterwards?  How is that “not a relationship”?  What the hell is it then?

I don’t understand that at all.  It seems like “this is not a relationship” was just something to throw in my face to not have to deal with my emotions when he does something hurtful.  He hasn’t said it again this time but its stuck in my mind because I feel yet again abandoned and like he doesn’t care about my feelings.

We’ve had some arguments each time he was with her due to all of this.  I have told him that if we are going to do this I REALLY need his reassurance that he cares about ME before and after he sees this woman and not to be ignored because of her or put out.  That is very important to me and there is no way I can do the “open” thing without that. 

So a while back, he slept with a different woman and things actually went pretty well.  See my post Almost compersion, (but not quite). One of the big things that helped was that he finally gave me the reassurance that I was looking for and needed to be able to cope.  It helped a LOT.  I thought now, he would do that with this other woman, because he knows that I need it but nope, he STILL won’t give me that when it comes to her.

When he first got into town and checked into his hotel he sent me a picture of his hotel room.  On one hand I’m sure it was because he was thinking of me but it made me feel kind of sick because I knew that he might be playing with her in there and didn’t want to have to picture it.  It was a very nice room.  I said “I wish I could be there with you” and he was like “aww, me too”. 

We texted back and forth that night but he disappeared for a while and said he had fallen asleep.  That kind of left me wondering but I accepted it.  The next day he was pretty uncommunicative.  Part of that, I know, was because he was at the gym all day for a tournament but it ran much later than usual and even afterwards he was being really slow to text back. He said he wasn’t playing with her that night but I had some question in my mind whether or not he was telling the truth.  He talked some though here and there. I tried not to stress too much because of course he had a lot going on and COULD be really as tired as he said he was.   He said he wasn’t playing with the woman because he was exhausted.

Meanwhile, I had thrown out a Craigslist post and also communicated with my fuck buddy.  The professor had almost seemed like he WANTED me to meet up with my fuck buddy.  However fuck buddy had a couple coming over and wanted me to meet with all of them and I wasn’t liking that idea.  It is an older couple and I’ve never met them or seen a picture of the guy and didn’t want to feel obligated to fuck him.  He kept saying the woman “wanted” me but I’d only seen a picture of her from the neck down and the idea of some lady who is as old as my mom that I’ve never even met “wanting” me was a tad creepy.  I decided against it and had a lot to do here at home that day anyway, like get ready for one of my kid’s birthday parties.

The Craigslist post brought back about 50 responses before getting flagged and taken down, but while there are a couple people I’m still emailing with here and there, nothing panned out and there was no one I was super attracted to. The ones that were I suspect were guys using fake pics.

 I also responded to an add from a “couple” looking for a “couple” with pics of me and the Professor and the guy turned it all around to saying that he wanted to be with just me and the Prof as a threesome (I said he wouldn’t go for that) to saying he wanted to play with me alone (I suspect the female half of the couple didn’t actually exist) to eventually admitting he is “bi-curious” and asking me if I’d be willing to suck his dick with another man.  Oh gee, that sounds like the time of my life right?  Go suck some random guy’s dick along with another man!  :p  I didn’t take him up on his offer but in the meantime he’d been told about my fuck buddy as well and seen a pic.  He asked if fuck buddy was still interested and fuck buddy said “tell him to go kill himself”.  Nice! 

This is way off topic, but seriously if you are looking for gay sex how about just posting that instead of being a “couple” looking for a “couple”?  Novel idea?  Oh and he claimed to be biracial and sent me a pic of a biracial guy and was talking about how his “girlfriend” was into “big, black guys” but the pic he sent of his cock looked decidedly white, like very pink, and his pubic hair did not look like it belonged to a “biracial” man.  It didn’t match his “face” pic at all.

Anyway, there were some guys that were interested but no one I felt the same way about so it just wasn’t worth it to me to meet any of them just so I could be playing with someone while the Professor was.  I didn’t want to let that drive my decision making and sleep with someone I’d later regret.

 I finally just decided to focus on stuff here and have also been reading the book “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino.  I was hoping the advice in there would be able to help me get through this past weekend better, but my emotions just took over after a certain point.  The book also talks a lot about making rules and agreements.  Well, I felt like the Professor was well aware of the fact that I need some reassurance before and after, since we’d talked about it more than once and he’d also done it the last time.  I was actually feeling like, hey, I can do this.  I’m not going to stress and maybe I will meet up with someone else later in the week (though due to have my period soon so it may not be as soon as I’d like and I’m also more emotional, ugh).

So, back to the Professor.  I’d texted him a couple times the next morning and he responded though it seemed like he was mostly brushing me off.  I attributed it to the fact he had to get to the gym and had another busy day ahead of him, which is probably true.  Around 1 pm I asked how the games were going.  He didn’t respond until after 7.  He’s never gone that long without answering me, even during a tournament. 

He said he’d had a crazy day and I congratulated him and his team then asked if he had plans that night.  No response for over an hour.  Finally he texted back “yeah will have dinner with the team.  My friend will come visit with her husband but not spending the night”. 

Okay.  I’m thinking, good, she’s not sleeping over at least, that will be easier for me to deal with.  I texted back “what time is that?”.  No response until 45 minutes later, when he said “about 10”.  It was almost ten already and I had been waiting on edge for a long time.  I said “ok.  Will you tell me when she leaves?”

 He again didn’t answer for a bit and so I was starting to feel very anxious.  Like, why is he not responding to me?  He must be talking to HER and can’t be bothered with it or something.  He knows we have an agreement to tell each other this stuff!  I finally texted again and said “you’ve been ignoring me almost all day and night already”.  He said “Yes, I will.  I miss playing with you though”.

Ugh!  That really pissed me off because it sounded so trite and untrue.  There is no way you miss playing with me RIGHT BEFORE you are about to have sex with HER!  I said “no you don’t.  You’ve barely answered me all day, but whatever”.  Then I put it out on the table “I feel abandoned”, hoping he’d offer some comfort and reassurance because I was really starting to need it.  NO RESPONSE and I knew she was due to be coming there soon.

 How could he not respond when I’d just told him I felt abandoned?  I was starting to feel panic.  I know some of that is due to childhood abandonment issues and it is something that is really difficult, real, and hard for me to deal with.  Thing is he KNOWS this already due to stuff that has happened in the past.  I’ve TOLD him repeatedly that I need that extra bit of reassurance if we are going to do this and now he just ignores me?

I texted “so you’re gonna treat me like this and ignore me and make me feel awful right before she comes over instead of the reassurance I have asked for?” He texted back (20 minutes later) “No, I coached most of the day and don’t get a good signal in the gym and we played a lot”.  What the hell does his coaching all day have to do with NOW??  I’m saying I feel abandoned NOW and he is doing this to me NOW.  So I texted him back “Even since you left there you’ve been taking a really long time to reply to my texts and suddenly treating me like I’m nothing to you.  It’s the same thing you’ve done every other time she was around or you had a chance to hook up with her”.  He texted back “God, you do this to me every time” and left me hanging and feeling like shit for the next couple hours while he was fucking her.

Finally he says “ok, she’s gone”.  I didn’t respond IMMEDIATELY, so FOUR MINUTES LATER he says “I’m not doing this tonight.  I worked and coached all day and haven’t been texting much cause we didn’t have a good signal”.  Note that he expects me to return the text that fast while he takes hours.  I responded “but you had plenty of time for her”.  Obviously he’s been keeping in touch with HER and making plans with HER but can’t be bothered to give me basic respect because of her presence.  He said “No, I didn’t.  I do care about you, but I’m not doing this tonight”, again abandoning me and I haven’t heard from him since (a day and a half later). Now when I’ve had sex with someone he ALWAYS wants to talk afterwards and needs extra reassurance and sometimes I find it annoying but I’ve NEVER begrudged him that, ever.

I finally texted him back, told him” I’m not doing anything to you, I expressed feeling vulnerable and needing reassurance and comfort.  Instead you got pissy and left me hanging while you fucked someone else, thanks.“  It all went downhill from there.  He didn’t respond and I got increasingly upset and told him off pretty much for good.  I don’t think I can forgive someone who ignored me when I needed his emotional support and left me feeling abandoned when he knew that was how I already felt.

Abandonment is a terrifying feeling for me.  He already knows that I feel that way and I made myself vulnerable in trying to say “I feel vulnerable” directly and give him a chance to respond and be kind.  Instead he did the complete opposite and used abandonment in an even worse way to hurt me.  I feel horrible and like everything he ever did for me was fake.  I am so glad I never told him I was falling in love with him because clearly he doesn’t feel the way I thought he did. 

Yesterday I was so angry.  I think if I’d seen that woman I would have wanted to cause her serious harm.  I know logically that it isn’t her fault but yeah, it’s not always hard to understand how jealousy can drive people to commit crimes.  It’s a good thing I’ve never had to meet her.

  As for him, I kinda wish I’d never met him too. I’ve spent the morning today, off and on, in tears.  I know I’ll get over it and be able to move on eventually and it does help that there are other men in the picture. I don’t know if at this point I could make up with him though.  I know I cannot have an open thing with someone who isn’t willing to do his part in helping make it easier on the both of us.  I feel like I’ve been treated like shit.  Again, it’s over her.  For some reason he could give me what I needed when it came to someone else, but not her.  I don’t understand at all. 

 

 

Redefining love

If you are looking for good advice on how to be good in bed, as a woman, where do you go? As far as we seem to have come from Victorian “lie back and think of England” days, there really isn’t a lot out there that gives GOOD advice to women regarding what to do in the sack. I mean, we have Cosmo et al, but… well, try at your own risk.

I love this article by the way Cosmo’s Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. Really sheds some light on the ridiculousness of some of the “advice” out there given to women on how to improve their sex lives. Dip your boobs in edible body paint and make a masterpiece all over his body? Feed each other ice cream in the dark and lick it up? Give him a beer facial? Unless you have an extremely patient and forgiving significant other, please ladies, don’t try these at home!!

Here’s a truly embarrassing admission. Back in the day I actually read and TRIED a couple of sex tips I found in magazines like these, because, well, reading all that stuff made me feel like if I wasn’t doing weird shit in bed that guys would think I was BORING. Bad, bad idea. LOL Food and sex don’t mix well. Really, they don’t. Not to mention I nearly threw up once trying to give a guy a blow job with some sort of strawberry flavored lube. Yuck!! I want to taste his dick, not his dick covered with flavored lube. It’s gross, seriously.

Now ice cubes? Okay, maybe I’ll bend on that one. I once had a guy ask me to give him a blow job with ice cubes in my mouth because someone had done it to him at a massage parlor. He played college basketball and the coach took them there after they won a game (totally shady shit, I know, I know but clearly no one was complaining- makes you wonder!!). He seemed to like that a lot. 😉

Anyway, the advice in most of those magazines sucks! They always want you to be some kind of a dominatrix, taking control and doing things to him too. I don’t doubt that sometimes men like that but I’m not convinced it’s necessary, despite all the “real men” they quote saying otherwise.

Plus, it’s just NOT ME. I hate being the one to control things in bed. It turns me off and puts too much pressure on me to perform, to the point where I can’t orgasm or really EXPERIENCE the sex the way I want to. I’ve come to the realization that I just am very submissive in bed and it’s really OKAY to be that way. Some men even PREFER it and those are the ones I want to spend my time with. Sorry Cosmo, as far as your editors are concerned I suck in the sack, so I guess I won’t be fucking them, but the men I come across seem to enjoy me just fine.

I’m more than happy to do all kinds of things in the bedroom, and honestly pretty much anything he wants if I like him enough, but I don’t need to be mixing up all sorts of crazy shit to make him happy. Whip cream and chocolate sauce are better on ice cream than on each other’s genitals, which taste just fine on their own. Peanut butter, mangoes and tomato sauce? Oh Hell no! His bedroom is not a fucking restaurant! LOL

By the way, I think we can at least give Cosmo a little nod for helping me get married to my ex husband. I’m pretty sure I tried a few of their “tricks” on him in the beginning (hey, I WAS only 18 when we started dating, lol) and he seemed to enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe that’s part of why he mistook me for the dominatrix I am not. :/ I was playing a role to turn HIM on that wasn’t exciting to ME. Maybe I can thank them too, for the years I spent afterwards, expected to ride him into oblivion while he just lay there and got off and I didn’t. Yeah, that pretty much killed all my enthusiasm for being “on top”. :p

Anyhow, obviously it’s not all Cosmo’s fault, lol, but I do wish I’d had better advice in that regard. It’s hard for a woman to find! Even now in the days of Google, the sex advice for women isn’t much better.

Speaking of Google, there’s something else we females use it for nowadays and that’s advice about love and relationships. Men google that stuff too, don’t even try to hide it guys, lol, but women are still concerned with the age old question of “does he love me”? We may not be plucking flower petals and reciting it over and over “he loves me, he loves me not” but we still wonder and obsess over it, wanting a real answer. Only now, we do internet searches, not that it wields much better in the way of results.

Come on people, fess up. Have you ever done an internet search for something like “how to tell if he/she is falling in love with me?” I know I’m not the only one, and judging from the myriads of results, well, there are a lot of people who wonder that very thing.

The sad thing is that even with all there is out there on the web, there is very little good and true advice about how a person acts when they are IN LOVE. It’s all also hyper focused on monogamy and for the poly-tically inclined, well, you’re out of luck! Apparently you CAN’T be in love if you are even so much as LOOKING at other people and feeling attracted. The same is true if you are married and cheating on your spouse. Married men “never” can fall in love with the other woman, because well, marriage vows somehow prevent that. Sorry folks, and betrayed spouses out there, but this simply isn’t true, no matter how much you WANT it to be.

That piece of paper you sign, the wedding vows, the promises you make, the hopes you have for the future, none of that is a GUARANTEE of anything. It doesn’t lock down your spouse for life the way you want it to because we are all human beings, capable of deception, capable of getting turned on and attraction to someone else, capable of feelings and emotions that surprise us and capable of having sex with more than one person. Yes, in a lot of ways this sucks, but it is the truth.

Look it up on the internet and you’ll find all kinds of articles telling you that if a man loves you he will cease to have any interest in other females, he will automatically want to introduce you to all of his friends and family, he will buy you gifts and pledge his undying devotion, he will make a commitment to you and only you, he will drop everything going on in his life and want to spend every waking moment with you, if he “really” loves you. Otherwise, you’ve been played!

Sorry, but I don’t believe that at all. I’ve felt love for different people in my life and expressed it in different ways. I’m falling in love with the Professor but I can still have sex with other men. I don’t need to spend every moment with him because I’m at a point in my life where I like a little bit of space and so does he. We aren’t getting married and I think it’s fine and good for us to have separate interests and not even live together. I’m not jumping at the bit to introduce him to everyone I know yet (though he has met my grandmother and my kids). It’s okay, really. Love doesn’t have to fit in a little peghole that society wants to put it into.

All that said, even though he’s still interested in other women, he isn’t making a commitment to me and he isn’t dropping everything in his life to be with me and coming over during all his spare time, I don’t doubt that the Professor is feeling things for ME.

He does a lot of things for me that are clearly from the heart and what you wouldn’t do for just anyone. Like last night he came over here and brought me a new antenna for my tv that he had bought, just for me because he knew I wanted to be able to watch the NCAA tournament and couldn’t get the right channel. It was a wonderful surprise and he took the time to hook it all up and then went and stopped my toilet from running too! It had been messing up for a few days and the landlord hadn’t been able to come out. I never asked him to do those things he just offered. You’d have to be crazy to offer to fix someone’s toilet if you didn’t like them! LOL

I LOVE IT that he is so helpful and thoughtful and looks out for me. I could give a fuck less about the nonsense others think about how him wanting to continue sleeping with other people must mean he isn’t into ME. Sure there are times I have doubts but stuff like last night confirms what I already know. Emotions aren’t defined by logic. People can feel something for each other despite not acting in the way society says they should.

I felt very much the same way about the guy I had the affair with. Sure others would say oh, people in an affair never can “really” love each other or that if we did we would be wanting to get married, but that’s simply not true. Love comes in all different shades. We need to stop trying to put it in a box. Two people can have feelings for each other and it not look anything like it is “supposed to” from the outside.

I want to take a minute to give a little shout out and thanks to Kdaddy23 here for his great advice, in my blog comments, during the interview with him HERE and privately over email. He has a lot of experience and keeps reiterating to me that in order to do this I need to drop everything I ever learned about love and monogamy and RELEARN a whole new way to live. I’m seeing what he is saying, bit by bit and it’s quite eye opening! Thanks! I’m still a work in progress but it’s such an interesting road to be on. I think I’m really going to enjoy the journey. 😉

Sometimes sharing sucks!

sharing

Sharing someone you have feelings for is scary. It’s HARD knowing that person you care so much about is naked in bed with another person, maybe right now. It’s one thing to SAY you are theoretically “okay” with it and quite another to follow through with the experience of waiting while you know the person you’ve got it bad for is fucking another person and you have no idea or control over what is going on. Your imagination can run at full speed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for this.

I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about having a polyamorous orientation and acting as though some people just ARE and some aren’t. I’m really not so sure. If that’s the case, I don’t think I would qualify. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with different people, I do, but because when I develop feelings for someone my very natural inclination is to be exclusive with them, especially emotionally.

In order for me to swing or have sex with someone else when I’m deep in the throes of emotions with someone is honestly kind of difficult. So why do I do it?

For me, right now, (and this is always subject to change) I push myself to continue with other men because I can see the consequences ahead if I DON’T. I guess you can say I’m taking a logical approach to it all, even though this isn’t a brand of logic everyone would understand! I may appear to an outsider to be jumping on every cock I can because I’m out of control insanely horny and while there is some truth to the being horny part (lol) it’s a lot more calculated than it appears.

I look at it like this. I am falling in love with the Professor. I see it, I feel it, I know it’s coming, though I’m not at the point where I flat out tell him that yet, and I suspect he feels the same way about me. I know though, that “in love” is a temporary feeling. I know it doesn’t last forever, really for much of anyone. I’m not arguing that you can’t love a person forever. I’ll love my kids and my siblings forever, but that “in love” romantic feeling is fleeting.

I adore the Professor. I like him more and more all the time and feel increasingly affectionate towards him. Right now a big part of me wants him ALL TO MYSELF. Especially, when I’m lying there in bed with him or sharing incredible one on one sex. I also just really like him as a person. He’s wonderful. He listens to me and is supportive and sweet and kindhearted. Like anyone else, he’s not perfect but I can respect him and love spending time with him. He treats me well, probably better than any guy ever has in my life and I love that. Did I mention he’s GREAT in bed??

However, there are a couple of things here. We STARTED this relationship as swingers. Well, we met on a swinger site and the second night we spent together was fucking a bunch of other people. When I met him I already had a few guys in my life that I’m not totally willing to let go. I’m not currently “in love” with any of them but there are reasons I might not want to completely shut them out, especially the married man and the guy I had the affair with.

Some of those reasons are a bit shallow. The married man? How could I ever say no to sex like that? I just CAN’T. If you’ve ever had just totally incredible, mind blowing sex with someone maybe you’ll understand. Even though it’s been quite a while since he and I have gotten together, I don’t know if I’m EVER willing to completely shut that out as a possibility. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I love so much about the sex with the Professor that in some ways it is even better.

Emotionally it is INCREDIBLE, and he gives me tons of orgasms as well, but my experiences with the married guy were so out of this world amazing that the temptation to engage in that again would be SO STRONG. Honestly I don’t know how I could ever stop having sex with the Professor either but at least this way if one of them drops out of my life forever I still have the other.

The guy I had the affair with, well, that goes a bit deeper. We really don’t even talk much now but just knowing he is THERE and knowing if I ever need him he probably still will be, means a lot. I hope and think he feels the same way. We even missed out on seeing each other recently and we could have when I was in town and that was okay, but I’m not ready to write him off. There are things he understands and gets about me that very few people do, due to our shared experiences and friends and family, where we grew up, our relationships with all these people and the times he has been in my life.

Recently when I was home visiting and my mom asked me for money, only to turn around and use it to buy cigars so she could make blunts to share with my siblings, getting high while I was downstairs watching all the kids. Well, not a lot of people would know how I felt at that moment but he would. I texted the Professor and his response was “that’s crazy!!” Maybe it is, but not in my world. It’s typical behavior from my mom and the affair guy knows and understands because he deals with the same sort of thing with his dad and siblings too and is in a similar position to me in that regard. I appreciate being able to talk to the Professor as well, but it’s nice to be understood sometimes and that aspect of my friendship with Mr. Affair is inexplicable. He was there and helped me realize that my marriage was emotionally abusive and that I needed to get out, he knew me when I was a teenager and he knows and gets where I’m coming from because he’s been there too.

My fuck buddy or my FWB I could give up if I needed to, but I don’t have to. The nice part about being “poly” is that you can keep the people in your life that you want and don’t have to shut them out just because of someone new. I’m sure the Professor feels the same way about this married woman in his life. I’d personally like her to be gone, but because of the nature of our relationship I don’t push him to get rid of her.

Then there is the fact that a big part of our relationship is BASED on doing things like going to swinger parties together and the possibility of meeting with others for sex. I can’t deny that I enjoy the excitement of it all! I look forward to new adventures and at least it’s not boring! I also love being able to be real with one another about our sexual activities and not having to hide the fact that we are sleeping with anyone else. I love that I can have sex with another guy and he will still want me. It’s a new dimension of feeling accepted.

Not to say that any of that is easy, for either one of us, because it isn’t. Recently when I slept with my fuck buddy the Professor had a hard time, even though he had been with another woman at a party not too long before that. For a while afterwards he feels upset and sometimes angry with me, though he knows and admits it isn’t logical and that they are just feelings. He said it really bothered him when I said I missed him soon after having had sex with someone else and he doesn’t like to hear that on the same day. The truth is I really DID miss him but I do see how it could be upsetting even if hearing that would mostly be REASSURING to ME were the roles reversed.

Sex with another man, believe it or not, sometimes has that effect on me. It actually makes me want to reconnect and be with the Professor MORE because he is my favorite and the only person I am currently emotionally attached to. Even during our first swinger party, when we were sleeping with a bunch of others, the highlight of the event, for me, was getting to be back in his arms, with him inside me, as the grand finale! Already, we seemed to have that emotional bond.

All that said though, we both have been struggling with the sharing thing. As I said, it’s HARD when you are so into someone. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild or to be affected by hurt feelings and fear of loss. While it’s easy to say I don’t want to be monogamous, the actual practice of sharing your favorite lover is a real challenge sometimes.

Like recently the Professor was travelling to the city near where the married woman lives for a tournament game. He had plans to meet with her and it was really stressing me out. I tried to keep it to myself and push it out of my mind as much as possible but it was still affecting me.

They were gonna see each other on Saturday night and Thursday I was coming over to his house to be together. I tried and tried not to think about it but I feel like the sex was affected. Even though HE was doing everything right as usual, I had a much harder time orgasming with him. I WANTED to, especially because there is that impetus to outdo the competition, but I was struggling. It’s like I couldn’t completely let go and be as vulnerable with him as I usually am. I needed to put up a wall to protect myself from the possibility of hurt when he was with her. :/

Now don’t get me wrong, I still came a handful of times, but I also “missed” several orgasms. It was like I’d build up to that point and just couldn’t let myself open up all the way with him. We didn’t even make as much eye contact as usual and I think a lot of it was me and fear of what was to come. I don’t know how much of it was apparent to him but he did comment afterwards that I wasn’t quite as loud as “usual”. :/ We still had a great time and connected and laying with him afterwards, his arms wrapped protectively around me, was comforting, but still that lingering fear.

So when he headed out of town and I had decided to go up and visit my family (actually not too far from where he was) that weekend as well, I think both of us were a bit worried. He asked me several times about my plans to meet up with other men and both the married man and the guy I had the affair with live up that way so were possibilities.

At first the married woman had planned to spend the night with him in the hotel and I was so on edge it was driving me nuts. Sex was one thing, but sleeping in his arms afterwards is another. It was a painful reminder that they have been emotionally and not just sexually involved and also that I don’t get to stay overnight with him that often due to my ex not taking the kids usually for more than a few hours at a time.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept trying to take my mind off of it, focusing on my trip and other things but it wasn’t easy at all. It was because of this that I even considered seeing the other guys because I would actually be pretty busy between visiting family and taking care of my children. I wanted to have something to look forward to and to ease my mind off what HE was doing. Flirting and talking to them and discussing the possibility helped a little bit.

Thankfully though, at the last moment the married woman’s husband decided to pull the plug on their rendezvous. She had told the Professor that he was “acting funny” about it and I guess he changed his mind. Funny thing is last time he didn’t want them to play either. I have to wonder what is going on there. Part of me thinks if she REALLY wanted to she could either convince him or find a way to do it any way so it makes me wonder. Women do sometimes use their husbands as a “reason” for something they don’t want to do. Why she wouldn’t want to sleep with him though, is beyond me, so maybe it really is him. Maybe he doesn’t like the emotional things he sees going on with them either. She hasn’t come down to see HIM in months and they used to meet once a month, before I came on the scene and for a few months after.

Part of me felt bad for him for missing out on that opportunity, but at the same time I was relieved. I really didn’t want them to be together. To me she is the main threat to our relationship. I’d really kind of prefer she drop out of the picture all together but I’m not in a position to demand that since we are open and even if I was there is no guarantee. People are gonna do what they are gonna do, even if it means cheating, for a lot of folks. Might as well be up front and at least KNOW what the hell is going on instead of trying to cover things up.

So knowing that and due to my already full schedule I decided to opt out of spending time with either the married man or the affair guy. Not to mention because of time constraints either of those opportunities would have been short and maybe had to happen in the car, lol. I admit I am curious what the married guy could do during car sex though!! Haha I have a feeling he’d still make it pretty darn hot. When I mentioned the car thing to the Professor he was like “what, he’s too cheap to get a hotel?”

Yeah, he doesn’t like the other guys. :p The married guy, I think he could get a hotel but I know it’s more risky when you are married and you have to be careful not to let that stuff show up on statements where your spouse could see it. He’s told me before he has a separate account in another city that his wife doesn’t know about but he has to access it on a weekday and I hadn’t told him I was coming until the last minute. In any case, we didn’t meet. He called me on Sunday and I was too busy to answer the phone and didn’t call back because he’d said to make sure not to call or text unless he did first.

Oh and there is this little tidbit that has been freaking me out about Mr. Married guy lately. He is obsessed with the idea of getting me pregnant!! Now, he claims he would give me all kinds of money and let me live in his extra house and take care of everything, but he also asked me if I would be willing to give up the Professor for him, and all other guys. :/ I just don’t want to do THAT even as tempting as some of it sounds and trusting him to do what he says he will is a tad dubious at this point anyway. When I asked about his wife in all of this he said she wouldn’t ever have to find out. Yeaaaaah, I can’t see ANYTHING possibly going wrong there now, can you? :p

On that topic he told me recently that he came inside me the first time we had sex! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I am sure I would have been freaking out if I’d thought that was even remotely possible, so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what? He didn’t wear a condom, so it was pretty reckless in that regard but coming inside of me? Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw where he came but could he have cum another time and I didn’t know??

As far as the condom is concerned, I had told him beforehand that I was assuming he’d wear one but it was dark enough in the room that I couldn’t tell for sure at first if he was or not! He’d been going down on me and making me cum a lot beforehand and when he first slid in I was thinking OMG, is he going bareback? Usually I hate the feel of condoms but sometimes they aren’t as noticeable, still it was feeling awfully good!! Well halfway through or so when I went down on him I could tell for sure. Too late now and the sex was so incredible I didn’t even comment. Dangerous, yes, but I was SURE he pulled out.

Yeah, he’s really pushing the envelope. He keeps saying how he wanted to get me pregnant. What is it with men?? My fwb LOVES to joke about that too and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s “joking” or seriously joking, if you know what I mean. HE always wears a condom but loves to freak me out by doing things like dipping it in a time or two before putting it on to see my reaction. Men…. I thought they were the ones supposed to be so paranoid about pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

The guy I had the affair with, well, I have my suspicions about his current relationship status even though he claims to be single. Then again, he’s got the money so maybe he is just too cheap, at least for a short get together. He’s had me over to his house but it’s only during the day, on a weekday. Hmmmmm…. Ah well…

So anyway, I chose not to see them. Part of me was feeling a little bad for the Prof and not wanting him to hurt while I was off playing and his chance was ruined. I told you all I like him. :/ I think we both slept better that night knowing things were “safe” and we didn’t have to worry. I haven’t had a chance to see him yet since then (and am also on my period) but it will be interesting to see if the orgasming issue just disappears. I have a feeling it will.

Almost compersion…(but not quite)

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This weekend the Professor fucked someone else….and I didn’t even get upset at all. I’m kind of proud of myself! 🙂 This is usually hard for me so maybe I’m on my way to that enlightenment thing after all. 😉

There were several contributing factors that I think made it easier than times before but there were also some stumbling blocks that you would think would have made it difficult. Still I did okay despite it all. I never felt upset with him in the least and am actually slightly even happy that he did. Not jumping up and down happy, but glad that things seem more “fair” than they have the past few months when I’ve really been the only one playing (though he did go to two different swinger parties on his own he says he didn’t have sex with anyone there and he met up with his married friend and her husband recently but also due to circumstances they didn’t sleep together that time).

Anyhow, he was travelling for work and coaching in another city and state a few hours away from here. When he left he said he didn’t have any plans but he had a lot of extra free time in his schedule the day before their game so I was prepared that he might, and he promised to let me know. When he arrived he texted a picture of the suite he’d been set up with and I was thinking, yeah, that would be a shame to sit in a place like that by yourself all night alone…thinking he’d find something to do.

In any case, not long after he got there he texted to let me know he’d been invited to a house party (by some people off the swinger site). He said it would be 5-6 couples and a few single men. He was going to dinner first with the team and afterwards he’d go there. He’d never met any of the people previously. Chances were pretty good he’d end up having sex, though he said he didn’t know for sure.

Meanwhile, I was stuck at home. My kids Dad was out of town and not taking them this weekend, plus I was on my period. Stuck as a duck in quicksand. I didn’t complain though and just asked a few questions. He was very sweet and reassuring, which made me happy because I’ve asked for the reassurance in the past and not felt like I’ve gotten it from him. So even if it was just stuff he was saying to be nice it made me feel better.

Here’s a bit of our text conversation after he told me he’d been invited to the party (minus a few details of time and place/names):

Me: So is that what you are doing tonight?

Prof: I’m still gonna eat with my team. Then I’ll go after that

Me: Ok. Is that like a big orgy or what?

Prof: Is that ok?

Me: You are free to do whatever you want.

Prof: I don’t think so. But they didn’t say that. Most people coming they say they haven’t met.

Me: I’ve never been to a house party. I’m sure you’ll sleep with someone though.

Prof: Would be nice if you were with me though.

Me: Aw 🙂

Me: Miss you. Have fun ok? I’ll try not to stress.

Prof: Not necessarily. I’ve been to a couple but I’ve always known people there. So first time I won’t know anyone.

Prof: It’s hard for people to keep their hands off of you.

Me: Is XXXX a couple or a group that has parties?

Prof: Don’t stress at all. You’re freaking hot and you make me cum so hard.

Me: Oh, I’m sure they’ll have their hands all over you, lol

Prof: Just saying that’s not always the case.

Prof: Plus, you make me look good. 🙂

Me: LMAO. You look good on your own baby. 😉

Me: So will you text after you get back? Or whenever they leave if you bring someone back to your hotel?

Prof: Thanx. But people really want to fuck you!!! And I know why 😉

Me: 🙂 🙂 Thank you. They want to fuck you too, lol. And so do I. Miss you.

Prof: If you want me to I will. But I don’t plan on bringing anyone back because I’m 30 min away from them.

Prof: Well thanks, but guys are a dime a dozen. Miss you too.

I’ll spare you all the rest cause I was basically just reiterating please text me when you get back and he said he would and then later texted to tell me the restaurant name of where he was eating and that it reminded him of me. Then I didn’t hear from him for about 4 hours.

Meanwhile I discovered one of my children had HEAD LICE. OMG!! What an effing nightmare!!! SO, I set to work washing and checking heads on mine and random neighborhood kids that were staying the night. UGH, UGH, UGH!! Thankfully only two of mine had it and one has very short hair but yeah, I had to do like 20 loads of laundry and wash and rewash and pick and repick heads and attempt to do my own. I think we are all clear but I’ll be checking every day for at least a week. Yuck!

In any case that kept me busy and maybe was a bit of a blessing in disguise because I didn’t have much time to even think about what the Professor was doing.

When he finally texted later that night he said he had just played with one woman. They went into a bedroom to have sex and her husband watched. He said the party was fun and all the people were nice and social, that the woman was “ok” and that it “would have been more fun” if I had been there. I asked if he thought he’d play with her again and he said he didn’t know, he couldn’t even remember their names.

In any case, his sweetness towards ME made me feel like I didn’t have much to worry about, plus the fact that it seemed to be more of a casual thing and not someone he’s particularly into. So that helped. Probably a lot. I waited awhile to tell him what I’d been going through and he was appropriately sympathetic, lol. Nightmare!!

It’s been a couple days and I’m still not feeling bad about it or anything so I guess that’s good. I’m supposed to see him later in the week. I’m trying not to wonder things like how many hours they were together or what they did. That and I’ve mostly felt like it probably won’t change our relationship at all. I think that’s always a slight fear when someone you are into is with someone else. Is this going to make US any different or how he feels about ME? In this case I think not so it’s not so much of a threat.

I admit I did take a peek at his profile on the swinger site today, to see if the people had validated or said anything about him on there and out of curiosity as to who it was. I didn’t see anything though. Maybe that’s for the best. The more I know the more it COULD have the propensity to bother me or have me making those comparisons.

For now though, I’m ALMOST to that state of compersion. I said “almost”, don’t get too excited, lol. Also, I have some possible plans in the making with a guy halfway across the country who wants to fly me out for some fun soon. I’m not banking on anything for sure until I have the plane tickets but I did mention it to the Professor a couple of weeks ago, so that he would have ample time to make plans if I do. He wasn’t thrilled but said he understood why I would be eager to go on an all expenses paid little mini vacation when it’s offered to me! Anyway, if I do end up getting to do something like that I’ll be a little happier knowing that the Professor has had a chance to have some fun too and less afraid of hurting him.

That’s all for now folks! 🙂