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It’s my Blogiversary!! :D

Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to announce that it is the official one year anniversary of the day I opened a WordPress account and began this wonderful blog! Woohoo!  I am thrilled to see that in that amount of time I have acquired 226 followers and even more happy that so many of you have taken the time to interact and comment on my writing and experiences.  I’ve even received blog award nominations a total of 14 times!  Wow!! 

So glad I decided to come here and put my thoughts to good use.  It’s like therapy for me to write about what’s in my head and and others get a peek into my interesting life.  I’m having my cake, eating it and sharing it with all of you!! 😀

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It’s funny that right around this time weddings have really been on my mind.  Not just the little emotional fantasy voyage my mind has been on regarding the Producer, but other weird little happenings as well. 

The other day, Friday the 13th to be exact, my ex- husband’s girlfriend texted me again.  She wanted to know why our marriage ended and if he had ever cheated, so I gave her the short version. 

I said “Not that I know of.  He fell for another woman that he was working with but I am pretty sure they never had sex.  He told the marriage counselors that he would leave all of us for her if she wanted him though.  Really our marriage was over long before that.  We weren’t having sex hardly at all and he said he was never attracted to me.”

I mean, all that is the truth.  There is a lot more I could have said but I was kind of taken aback by the question in the first place and didn’t want to trash talk.  Yet, at the same time I felt like I should warn her.  Warn her about the lack of sex and let her know that if it is happening to her she’s not alone.  I mean, what do you say?  There’s no way I could fit 13 years of marriage into a text.

Anyway, she had a reason for asking because right afterwards she informed me that he had proposed to her and that’s why she wanted to know.  Holy cow!  She has claimed in the past that they were going to tie the knot, and even had a date set, but he told me that they weren’t at that time.  This, however, sounds more serious.

If any of you all remember the blog post I wrote about six weeks ago, where I got a text from his number asking if I still think about him, but he later said it was her drunk texting on his phone, well, that makes it extra weird.  One of my sisters, her child’s father did something similar right before he proposed to his current wife.  He just had to check and make sure she wasn’t still interested first, and I wonder if that was what it was all about, but I guess I’ll never know!

In any case, I would never want to get back with him but at the same time it brings up some feelings.  It’s again a reminder of the family I dreamed of having being shattered and totally lost as our marriage fell apart.  It’s a reminder of all the plans we had for our life together and how those came crashing down.  Another reminder of my own failure to provide the perfect home I thought I could have for my children, and that I’ll never have that chance again.  Ouch.

As another reminder, when I was getting my nails done later that day ,(finally using that gift certificate I won, lol) I picked a glittery neutral pinkish color, thinking it would go well with most of my clothing and toes.  The woman said “oh, that is ‘June Bride’, were you a June bride?” and mentioned that she had just gotten married this June.  Sigh… 

Yesterday I was at the park with my kids and took my 3 yr old in the restroom.  Inside was a woman dressed in a wedding gown attempting to use the restroom while three bridesmaids held her dress.  That was entertaining anyhow.  What’s the message in that?  Marriage is shitty?  Haha

For the most part I’m not too worried about my ex getting married.  I’m thinking it doesn’t really affect us that much since he is already fairly distant from the kids.  It might mean he won’t want to take part in our tax return deal, where I allow him to claim a couple of the kids in exchange for half his refund, so in that sense not good for me.  Other than that, I don’t know. 

Today when I dropped the kids off for their (day) visit, he didn’t come out to the vehicle to get them.  I called and he said he might be there in a minute.  We waited awhile and finally his girlfriend came out, which was awkward, since I normally avoid her.  She said he was just waking up.

So I text my son and ask if everything is okay and call the other one, and they say, it is now, our dad just got home.  What?  I don’t get that.  They were lying to me about him being there, which makes no sense, unless he just didn’t want to talk to me. When I called and texted was like 15 minutes after I left and he had known we were coming. He had even texted me like an hour before to make sure what time (and he was supposedly asleep?).

 His girlfriend is really jealous and seems to think I still want him, regardless of me telling her multiple times I don’t.  She has gotten upset if I talk to him about anything that isn’t related to the kids, even finances.  I don’t know if this marriage thing is going to her head to the point where she thinks she has to control his every move or what.  She is kind of like that and I wonder if that isn’t why they are together.  He did say, when we were divorcing that the reason he wasn’t as attracted to me was because I was “too nice” and not bossy enough.  (I know, wtf? Right?)

I wonder what this means for the future because if he is unwilling to talk to me even about things with the kids, it is going to make me feel uncomfortable leaving them there.  I have full, sole custody and he doesn’t show a whole lot of interest in them or with helping with our difficult teenage son anyhow.  I think it would make me feel a lot less guilty about packing up and moving far away if it comes to that.  I guess only time will tell.

Drifting into dreamland…..

 

Ever since the party the other night I feel like I’ve been falling harder for the Producer.  I didn’t think this was going to happen.  I’ve really got to concentrate on keeping my head on straight. 

The question I have to ask myself is why now?  We’ve been seeing one another for a couple of months and having lots of sex.  I really wasn’t that into him previously.  I mean I liked him, but I wonder what triggered these seemingly sudden new feelings?

Could it be that his accepting attitude towards me fucking another man, and one who was better endowed and hot at that, actually got me going?  I’m kind of bewildered.  I’ve always thought that would make the guy look kind of weak, but it didn’t in this case at all.

Then there is the fact that he told me some stuff about his past that isn’t repeatable on this blog.  It’s dangerous, badass, and maybe should be a red flag.  Yet, somehow I think my mind converts this to HOT.  I didn’t really feel that way when he told me about his former involvement in the porn industry (not as an actor but producing movies- he said it was actually to the point that he got tired of looking at pussies all day, lol).  Perhaps it’s something to do with the mystery of it all, it’s past but is there any way he could be covering things up now?  I’m on alert.

I mean I already know he’s a bit of a baller.  He cracks me up because he looks and acts the part.  He’s exactly what you’d expect a bigwig producer type to be like, in a lot of ways.  The other day he had me laughing because we were at the hotel and I said I needed to use the computer in the lobby to print off a couple of forms (I don’t have a printer at home).  It cost like 10 cents a page and he was like “you tell them Big Daddy said to put it on the tab”.  He didn’t want me to pay for it. LMFAO.  10 cents  :::smh:::: but yeah, that is his general attitude.

I’m pretty certain he’s into me.  He says I’m a “man’s dream” and keeps talking about how he loved being able to wake up next to me in the morning.  He keeps commenting that he’s really feeling me and I have him sprung.  Yesterday he referred to me as his baby.

The issue though, is that I don’t want to fuck up a good thing.  It seems like whenever “feelings” start to come into play it messes up whatever you have going.  People start acting like fools.  Jealousy, drama, I don’t want to mess with any of that.  I’m trying hard to reign in my rampant fantasies that have been going wild the past couple of days.

I’m still not “in love” but I’ve been doused with a bit of NRE (new relationship energy, or infatuation).  It’s all those little what ifs.  What if I could actually get what I want?  A long term relationship with someone who could help me- financially and with my difficult teenage son who really needs a male role model and someone intimidating enough to keep him in line.  That and would LET me have sex with other men??  OMG, it would be a dream come true. 

He’s commented that if I let him take my son for a weekend he would set him straight.  I don’t know what the hell he’d be planning to do though, lol.  The Producer was a problem child too and got kicked out of his entire school district.  I know he can identify and from his comments I can tell he’d be a bit harsh but he’s also generally pretty nice and easygoing.  He doesn’t seem like a control freak.

Did I mention he’s never had kids and actually seems to want one of his own?  I’d love to have another baby someday…. Before I get too old, lol, and I’ve always wanted a mixed baby, ever since taking care of my biracial siblings as a teen. He’s talked about how important it would be to him to be there for his children and to stay with the mother if he ever had kids.

He’s got a big house, with lots of bedrooms, a movie theater, a video arcade and a fully stocked bar.  I told him he should put a pole down there (for me) and throw swinger parties and he liked the idea.  Yeah my imagination has gone into overdrive.

Still, it’s all so premature.  I don’t want to get my hopes up or daydream too much about things that could be totally unrealistic.  Yeah, someone knock some sense into me!!  LOL  Help!! 

Talk about a messed up week…..

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In my zeal to complete the Shine On Award I completely forgot to mention another disturbing thing that happened this past week.  This time it involves a different man, my ex-husband.  I’ll admit it totally threw me off guard and was more than a little emotionally upsetting.

I received a text, one night, at midnight, as I was sitting at my computer.  It was from my ex-husband’s number, asking “do you still think of me sometimes?”  What. The. Fuck.????!!   I was flabbergasted!  It didn’t sound at all like something he would say.

So I wasn’t sure what to think.  It crossed my mind that perhaps it wasn’t him writing the message, but his girlfriend.  She is super jealous and seems to think I’m still interested in him, which is preposterous, but I guess she has no way of knowing better.  She also seems to take the fact that I am single as a personal threat, as though that indicates I’m still pining over him.  If only she knew, but she doesn’t.

It wouldn’t be the first time she had messaged me using his phone, without saying who she actually was and causing confusion. She had also sent messages before from her own number, using underhanded little jabs regarding my singledom and supposed inability to get a man.  And this, this just didn’t make sense coming from my ex-husband.

So my immediate response was “is this a joke?”  The person on the other end said “No, why?”  I started to doubt my first impression, what if it really was him?  What if he was actually asking me this question?  Was he having any kind of regret over our failed marriage?  I was so confused.

I responded “I just can’t imagine why you would ask me that”.  The return text said “Idk either”.  Now I felt kind of bad.  What if I was hurting his feelings with my abruptness? 

In any case, who never thinks of someone they were married to for almost half their life?  Sure he crosses my mind, though it is usually with remembrances of the more hurtful things he said and did.  I try to block out the better times because it comes with the painful recognition of failure at something I wanted so badly to work out, for us and for our children.

I didn’t know what to say.  Who was I actually talking to?  How could I be honest without leading him on if he were actually having thoughts of reconciliation?  I finally responded “I mean, I was married to you for 13 years and we were together 15.  Of course you cross my mind but not in a wanting to get back together ever sort of way.”

I hoped that answer would be sufficient.  For him, for his girlfriend, whoever might be reading.  I didn’t get a response until late the next morning.  In the meantime I lay down to sleep in a jumble of confusing, conflicting and bewildering thoughts.  I remembered things like the Valentine’s day gift he brought me after the divorce and how shocked I’d been that the person who’d hardly ever thought of me during our marriage managed to do so after.  I had simply thanked him and left it at that, but it was fucking with me.

The next morning the text I got from him said that he wasn’t texting me the night before, that his girlfriend had too much to drink and he wasn’t sure what all she said to me.  I commented that yeah, it didn’t sound like something he would say.  Still now, I guess I’ll never know, was it really her being a manipulative bitch or was it him and he used that excuse to cover up what he’d actually been thinking?

In either case it really fucked with my head, being in the emotional state I’ve been in already.  Kind of emotionally cruel but I guess he was passive aggressively like that during the marriage too. 

His girlfriend, on the other hand, just has this obsession with thinking I want him back so most likely it WAS her but it’s ridiculous.  I mean, she really seems to see me as a threat and I’ve no interest in him whatsoever, despite having had children together and trying to make our marriage work for years and years.  It didn’t.  I’m done. 

She invited me once to a BBQ at her house, last summer.  Not knowing that I see men on my own I think she thought she’d try and hook me up with someone.  My kids were there, and my ex-husband, as well as her mother and grandmother and daughters and cousins. 

His girlfriend and all her family are black.  I and my ex- husband and kids are white. They invited one other white guy to the BBQ and he was REALLY trying hard to hook up with me, which I was avoiding at all costs.  She was super encouraging of trying to help him get to know me.   I suspect it was a set up. 

I had to leave early (to go on a date) and soon after the guy texted, even though I’d declined to give him my number.  He’d gotten it from her.  UGH!

There is no way in HELL I would date a friend of theirs, even if I’d been attracted to this guy.  I just have no interest in associating with them or letting them know my business.  Not to mention it was super awkward with my ex- husband there looking on as the guy followed me around.  That, and her general fakeness and introducing me as his “baby mama”.  Please.  I was MARRIED to the man for 13 years and we have children together, it was a hell of a lot more than that.

I don’t blame her for being jealous of me.  She weighs twice as much as I do and is physically less attractive.  That’s putting it nicely.  Most people were in shock when she and my ex started dating after the divorce.  He’s a very physically fit and good looking man. My first thoughts were this lady is really ghetto/ratchet.  Sorry, but it’s true.

The woman has a police record for domestic assault (3 times) and dui’s, she’s been in jail since he was with her, supposedly for violating probation.  I normally try and avoid her.  I’m not looking for a fight.

My kids are required to visit with them and to be fair she has been nice to them thus far.  She got them Christmas presents and my ex doesn’t do that kind of thing on his own.  She bought my 3 year old daughter a (black) doll and I thought that was really sweet.  She also wanted to pierce my daughter’s ears to which I said NO (!!!) but I think her intentions were good. 

I feel sorry for her because I think my ex treats her similarly to how he did me and her self- esteem doesn’t seem really high either.  She actually has it worse in some ways, like she was the one working and providing everything for the family while he sat on his butt with no job for almost 8 months.  It’s easy to say I would have left him if I were her but obviously I can’t talk.

She thinks they are getting married and even had a date set last year but it never happened.  I have my doubts.  I only heard about that because my sister (who is half black, so I guess slipped past the radar and she didn’t recognize was someone she didn’t know) had decided to friend her on Facebook out of curiosity, unbeknownst to me.  She called to tell me about the posting regarding the upcoming wedding.  I said something about it to my ex and he denied it was going to happen any time soon.  I guess it never did.

So really, I feel sorry for her and I don’t hate her or anything but I try and avoid her.  My sister has since been removed off her FB, lol.  In any case, it was pretty low to text me pretending to be him, if she did.  I wish she wouldn’t worry about me wanting him back because I don’t.  Hopefully if she’s the one that texted it will allay her fears and if it was him he will have had his curiosity satiated, but yeah, another upsetting incident for me this past week.

Oh, and I’m not getting to see the Producer today.  He is in serious pain with his hip and going to the ER.  No idea what is wrong.  Hopefully it’s not something really serious.

Just sayin…

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No plans yet this weekend and I’ll admit I’m still feeling the pain of distance from the Professor. Still I’ve got some things to look forward to in the near future. One of my old girlfriends is coming to town soon and we are planning a night out, yay!! 🙂

It’s rare I get to go out on the town due to NOT having any females that are cool like that with me around here. She and I used to live it up back in the day, haha. I was definitely the wilder one sexually, as she remained a virgin until 18. Nevertheless we managed to get into all kinds of craziness, of the teenage girl variety.

I still remember the first guy she had sex with and how we met him. It was the beginning of the summer after we graduated from high school. We had gone over to some other girlfriends apartment but they weren’t home yet. Meanwhile we decided to climb on top of a motorcycle that was parked out front and pretend we were going for a ride. The bike belonged to some college aged guy who was living up above them and when he yelled hey what are you doing, of course we had to throw out some sexual innuendo. I don’t recall what we actually said but it was something to the effect of “you know you like to see us riding on your big toy!”

Somehow I ended up kissing this guy, while he was getting ready to leave with a group of people in the back of a pickup truck. I came back over to my friend and she was like “did you just kiss him?” incredulously, lol and I said yes and we were laughing. Then we went upstairs to harass his roommate.

The poor guy was trying to study for a final but we gave him no peace. We had him stripped down to his boxers with a raging hard on, pretending we were going to give him a threesome, kissing him on both his cheeks. and telling him we didn’t want him to do schoolwork. There was no real intention behind this, we just thought it was funny to get him all excited.

At some point his roommate came back and I ended up in the bedroom with HIM. He seriously got to the point of “just the tip in” sex and that is all I would let him do! I really couldn’t tell you for the life of me WHY I was being such a tease but I never did have full on sex with him. He was getting pretty aggressive trying to push for sex, but I kept telling him no. He was a good looking, muscular guy with blonde hair and blue eyes but I think I was turned off by his pushiness for some reason.

Meanwhile my friend I think fucked the other dude. I never did sleep with the roommate but it turned out to be a good deal anyhow as they both worked in a liquor store. We’d go in there and pretend to buy alcohol and pretend to show them our ID’s and they would pretend to sell it to us while letting us take it for free. Being we were too young to buy alcohol for real we though this was pretty awesome, as did our friends.

Once, when they had moved to a bigger apartment with even more guys, we brought over some girlfriends with every plan to party. Turns out no one was home but they had left the door unlocked. We went inside and helped ourselves to the liquor cabinet and were standing in the kitchen doing shots when one of the girls got the bright idea to call over some guy friends.

The guys were game for awhile but with all the naked female posters on the wall and porn mags in the bathroom I think they figured out the house didn’t belong to any of us girls. For some reason they were less comfortable with this arrangement than us girls and eventually we left, LMAO.

We called these guys “the frat boys” as that’s kind of what they acted like, though I’m not sure they belonged to any actual fraternity, they were living in an apartment after all and not a frat house. Several times we went to big parties at their house so that was fun too and my friend slept with the guy a few more times but she never fell in love with him or anything.

I could go on all night with stories of things we did, like the time we got this guy to take us home from a bar and make us this big huge breakfast complete with smoothies because we were starving with the munchies. I’m sure he thought he was going to score with two girls that night but we ended up saying we had to go around 7am and never saw the poor guy again. Oh and there is the time we got into this truth or dare striptease with a bunch of random male strangers.

We had all kinds of adventures and I can’t even remember half of them right now but I know a night out with her will never be boring. She’s come down here before and we even managed to have fun in the totally lame bars they have going on here. I love hanging out with old friends because I can act like the nutcase I really am. People in this area seem so uptight. Even the swinger parties have their sort of cliquish behavior. Boooo….

Anyhow I’ve got that AND I’m headed home again soon for a family member’s graduation. The married man has offered to get me a hotel room up there when I visit so we can have playtime together. Oooohhh that sounds so fun, I so hope it works out! Plus the guy I had the affair with is up that way too and wants to see me. It’s been a long time and he is another one of those people that has known me long enough that I feel like I can just be me. I love sitting around talking and laughing with him about things and people we grew up with. It’s almost as good as hanging out with my siblings, plus we get to have sex, lol. Looking forward to it all.

Meanwhile, I need a good suggestion for a movie to watch tonight!! I ‘haven’t seen many movies at all in the past like 20 years and it has to be something I can watch on Netflix. Any good breakup movies?? I like stuff that will make me laugh, as opposed to cry, or that is heartwarming and has a good ending. I’m here with the kids and about to down a bottle of Moscato while they are fast asleep in bed.

Trying, trying, trying not to wonder what’s up with the Prof. :/ Haven’t decided yet if I’ll troll Craigslist for tomorrow. I guess there’s always that guy I emailed with who has the Sybian too, that might be fun….

You’re gonna miss what you had…

It’s ten days in and I haven’t contacted the Professor.  I hope he’s miserable.  I hope he’s realizing what a dumb move it was to dump me and how hard it will be for him to find a replacement.  Sure, he can go around banging these old married ladies but none of them are ever going to compare to me.  I mean, not to be conceited, but…if everything guys tell me is true then I’m not such a bad “catch”. 

PLUS, he will always have to deal with their husbands, with a man involved, whether he is watching or taking pictures or into threesomes or just telling his wife whether or not she can play that day.  There aren’t a lot of single women in the Lifestyle either.  There’s a reason they are called “unicorns”.  He can’t even get into a lot of the swinger parties without a woman as a date.  No one else is going to be as accessible as I was and the majority of single women outside of the Lifestyle are not going to be near as easygoing about coming along for the ride. 

Every single man I meet that is on the swinger site WANTS me to come to a party with him! The fuck buddy has asked me as well as the married man and the officer and a couple guys I’ve gone on dates with or talked to.  They all seem to be looking for a swinging partner. I’ve always said no in the past because I didn’t want to show up with anyone other than the Professor.  People already were treating us as though we were a couple and I felt like it would be disrespectful.  He said himself that he got a lot more offers and attention when I was there with him. I think he deserves to be knocked upside the head, lol.

Even barring all that, he also told me I was some of the best sex he’s ever had in his life.  So it’s not just me that will be missing out on that little perk.  Take that!

Oh, and he’s a man.  For the most part women aren’t coming up to him and seeking him out for sex.  He has to go looking and looking and looking and put up with all kinds of rejection in the process.  Me, not so much.  There is a lot more chance of him ending up lonely and by himself than me.  Yes, he’s fabulous in bed but no one is going to be aware of that until they agree to have sex with him and even then some people just really do have more chemistry than others

I don’t really know why men think I’m good in bed but they keep telling me that.  The officer actually texted me today to tell me “your sex game is amazing”, LMAO.  

Then he wanted to know if I had another woman I wanted to bring in on the fun. :p  Men are so funny.  They all seem to think women like fucking their girlfriends and that we are going to have one on hand to share guys with.  Yeah right!  I can’t think of anything more likely to cause drama in a friendship than that, even if I were so inclined. 

Anyhow, he’s also missing out on the daily companionship and affection from me.  Sure he can get that from the married woman too, but she’s far away and limited in her interactions with him.  She’s not going to bring him by a meal when he’s sick or physically be there to touch and tease him except on rare occasions.  I mean, it was over six months since he last had sex with her, assuming he’s telling the truth.

The majority of our interactions were fun and lighthearted and sexy and affectionate.  I think I’ve written about most of the drama.  If that’s too much for him, well, there is a lot he could have done to prevent it so I feel like it’s partially his choice.  Yes, I have things I need to work on and I’m not forgetting that but I don’t want to take ALL the blame either.

Last month I slept with 4 guys.  The Professor, my fuck buddy, the guy I met off Craigslist that had the smallish cock and the Officer. I also went on a date with another guy and though I didn’t get to write about it, I did end up going back over to his house for a kiss.  He was the guy that gave me the flowers. He had said how much he wanted to kiss me and asked me to stop by so I finally did and we kissed for a few then I left, lol.  Haven’t heard from him since, which is odd, but again we both were having breakups and I didn’t feel any real chemistry. 

My grandmother, the night after our first date, informed me that at some point I had accidentally dialed her number on my phone and that she was sitting there listening to our conversation “for 8-10 minutes”.  Lovely!  LOL  She told me she heard him talking about his girlfriend, so apparently she knows I was out with some guy that had a girlfriend who is pregnant with another man’s (possibly) baby though it could also be his.  Wonder if she heard anything about Craigslist??  At least it was a fairly tame conversation, lmao.  I can only imagine if I’d been there with the Officer or something…..eek!

The Professor did look at my swinger profile once so far.  Wonder what he was thinking?  I do miss him, a lot, but I’m also pretty hurt and as the days go by I feel more angry.  Maybe I am getting over him, that is one of the stages of grief. 

I was looking at the swinger site tonight and guess whose profile I came across?  The DJ stalker guy I wrote about in Stopping the Stalkers! And guess who had validated him and said they were FWB?  One of the women that the Professor has told me he played with before!  Hilarious!  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since there are a limited amount of folks in this area on that site and it would make sense that we might have the same taste.  She had also told the Professor she really liked that guy I went out on a date with but thought smelled?  Ewwwww…. 

The DJ is pretty good looking and has nice pics.  He was just….crazy.  Of course with this woman being married also he probably didn’t act like such a nutcase and wasn’t trying to get her to be his girlfriend! With her husband around he probably wasn’t going to hold her down and refuse to let her get up or go in without a condom when she was insisting he should wear one.  I think there are a lot of benefits to having a more serious man in your life if you are going to play this way. 

Doing it as a single woman is definitely a lot more risky, not just physically, but emotionally.  I definitely would have felt a lot safer if the Professor had wanted to do this from the framework of having a “relationship” but he didn’t want to give me that. That’s really what the gist of our coming to an end had to do with.  I couldn’t handle it without a more secure base to work from.

My other option is to just keep emotional distance from everyone and I can do that when I set my mind to it.  If I’m not attached to anyone it’s not going to hurt so much to be rejected or feel abandoned.  Still, it’s one of the reasons I stay away from FMF threesomes, thus far.  I had that one experience where I felt left out and it killed me to the point that I am very afraid of going there without the reassurance that the guy involved is super into ME. 

Maybe it would be different if I just come in as a third wheel though so far I have shied away from that too.  There is this guy I have texted with back and forth that has a really nice body (per his pics anyway) who texted me a picture of a girl he has played with before and asked me if I’d consider a threesome with them.  I saw her pic and was thinking um, no way.  This girl looks way younger than me and clearly hasn’t had kids and it’s like I so don’t want to be the old hag in the interaction that gets “left out”.  Yeah, no thanks!  The only time it sounded more appealing was when the married man wanted me to join him and his wife, lol.  Because in that case I just wouldn’t feel the jealousy.  However, she might.  Plus, he’s good enough in bed for the both of us and then some!

 Dangit I wish he was free on weekends.  Gonna have to figure something out here soon with him. 😉 Talked to him recently and he says he wants to see me but no solid plans.  The FWB is off to another state again and the guy I had the affair with is stuck at home for an event with his kid.  He invited me to come along actually, but I don’t think I will, lol.  I should be up that way in a few weeks anyway.

Of course my trusty fuck buddy is still around and the Officer should be swinging back this way shortly.  I wonder though, if I will end up alone and depressed for the weekend.   Maybe it’s time to hit up Craigslist?  Or perhaps I will just spend it getting my massage and nails done and taking one of my kids on an outing that we’ve planned.  Guess I will see.  I don’t want to sleep with just anyone and still want to be choosy.  I know all too well how decisions on sleeping with someone made in haste sometimes end up in regret. :p

My deep, dark, past

dark basement

Fellow blogger and commenter Deep Explorations asked me a question and I felt it really deserved a blog post of it’s own.  He wonders, after reading a post about my emotional reaction and feelings of abandonment when the Professor played with that married woman, why I would put myself through this?  “It does seem remarkable to me that for someone with sooo much trauma in your past that you should seek out an open relationship, but maybe it is that trauma that sends you that way?”

I feel I should mention here that I don’t know that I particularly sought out an OPEN relationship with the Professor.  More, it seemed to fall in my lap.  I met him on the swinger site, but I had only registered in order to be allowed to attend one party, to feed my curiosity after speaking with a guy I’d had sex with twice and who was going to be there as well. 

I hadn’t even bothered to put up a photo on the website yet, just basic information about my height and weight and looks and that I was new at this.  He sent me an email that I liked because he seemed sweet and respectful and of course I took a look at his pictures.  From there we talked and I agreed to go out on a date.  We had incredible sex and the next night a really fun time at My First Swinger Party

We both seemed to really like each other and the reason it developed into an OPEN thing is because that is what he wanted!  He was already seeing someone else, the married woman, and I didn’t know the details of all that at first because he acted more as though they were fuck buddies.  I was playing the field at that time so it seemed like a good idea to be upfront and honest with each other about what we were doing.  He asked that I tell him when I was going to play and vice versa and I’m thinking GREAT, this guy is awesome!   I had a don’t ask/don’t tell style relationship with the guy I had the affair with and that worked for us because it helped keep out some of the jealousy problems (some, not all) but this idea of being up front was appealing.

At the time I began seeing the Professor, the guy I had the affair with and I were still talking but things were starting to fade.  So it followed that as I became more enamored with the Prof, contact between he and I dropped off and we were barely talking at all. Being more of an emotionally exclusive person myself, when I fall for someone, they are my main focus and anyone else would be just sex. I assumed it would be the same for him.

 The Professor, on the other hand, still had this woman in his life and when he bailed on me for three days the first time she came down to visit and I realized there was a serious emotional bond between them, rather than a fuck buddy sort of thing, I was hurt.  I did not like the idea of being a secondary one bit and he swore up and down I wasn’t.  Yet he had this relationship going on first and she was “in love” with him.  Ouch.  I’ve mentioned all the stuff that happened in several blog posts so I don’t want to repeat. 

Now for the meat and bones, the second “part” of my answer.  What lead me, ultimately, as someone who has had a lot of trauma in my life to get into things like swinging and a more open style of relationship?  Why did I ever think this would be okay?

Let’s delve here a little bit into my past.  Some of this is stuff that I’ve been reluctant to write about thus far because it has the potential to make even the most “open” blog readers to look down on me.  For a long time I carried a lot of shame due to my lifestyle as a teenager, I’d be lying if I said I’m not still holding on to a little bit of it now.  So please, try not to view me with too much disgust.  I’ve grown up and changed a whole lot since then.

 While I am not “proud” of my past and I realize that a lot of it came out of low self- esteem issues, I was also young and easily manipulated.  I’d grown up basically on my own, with unloving, neglectful and abusive “parents” and complete emotional abandonment.  I don’t remember my mother even so much as hugging me as a kid and the touches I received were pretty much limited to physical abuse (not sexual) so I was STARVED for any kind of affection I could get. 

In any case I’m not saying all this stuff was all that awful, I had a lot of fun in the process even if SOME of it was degrading.  I did some stupid things and was very reckless in regards to things like “safer sex” but thank God for antibiotics!  When I look back though, as an adult, and think about the stuff we did, I realize that a lot of it wasn’t all that different from the swinger Lifestyle!  Like seriously, as kids we were like little swingers in training.  Is it any wonder I’d feel comfortable in that position now?

So let’s start back at the beginning.  My first sexual relationship (at 13) was with a guy I was dating.  Normal, monogamous relationship, though he did end up in Juvenile detention for sexually harassing someone while we were going out.  Nice.  I think I’ve mentioned somewhere on this blog that our first sex was in a hotel room we had broken into, next to someone else’s suitcases on the bed!  We had a lot of sex, and I even remember doing it in front of other guys from time to time.

The second time was a random guy I met on the beach.  Sex in the bushes outside in the canoe club.  It was a one- time thing.  After that I had a thing going on with a much older guy that never turned into actual sex because of my age but he went down on me a lot.  I’m pretty sure he was also involved with other girls. 

Okay, so from there I moved back home and in with my grandmother to go to high school.  It was there that I met this girlfriend I will call “S”.  S and I hit it off immediately.  She was a biracial girl that was my exact same height and weight.  We were both skinny little things lol, at 5’6” and 105 lbs.  We had a LOT in common, though she was a tad more aggressive than me.  She had a white mother and black stepfather (just like me) and we had little brothers with the same name and even the pictures on the wall in her home were some of the same ones as at my mother’s house.  It was eerily weird.

Not long after we started hanging out she brought me with her to this guy’s house.  He actually wasn’t there, but in prison at the time.  He’d been tried as an adult for aiding in a bank robbery.  There were several other guys, including his brother and cousin, there in his unfinished basement bedroom.  This room had its own door and stairs leading down to it so you could come inside without having to bypass his mother and grandmother upstairs.  It was really two rooms, a big room with a pool table and waterbed and bathroom and then another with a fold out couch and tv.  There were doors at the top and bottom of the stairs, and between the two rooms.  I came to know this place very well over the next couple of years.

That night the guys started coming on to us and she had sex with one or more of them, I don’t remember who.  We were in the dark on the bed, all of us together and I went along and fucked the cousin.  Afterwards, they congratulated her and told her they knew she’d be responsible for “turning me out”.  At the time, I didn’t really even understand what they meant.  She later told me she would go over there and sleep with all these guys because she felt it made her “more popular”, and I suppose it did to an extent, as I found out, but there were  downsides as well.

I continued to have sex with him occasionally but he lived out of town and we really didn’t communicate much unless he was there.  So the next time we went over to visit it was someone else.  Again, I don’t remember who she was fucking but for me it was a very handsome light skinned biracial guy with green eyes.  So when he came on to me yeah, I wasn’t exactly complaining!  LOL  He too, was from out of town.  As good looking as he was the sex was a bit difficult due to his very large cock.

Anyway, after that another boy who was over there often asked me out and I agreed.  Really the only REASON I agreed was because I felt sorry for him.  He wasn’t all that attractive and had messed up teeth.  So I ended up sleeping with him too even though the other guys laughed about it.  Since we were “going out” whenever someone else tried to get me in bed I said no, but that didn’t last long.

The reason it didn’t last was because after I had sex with him for the 3rd or 4th time I was forcibly raped by another guy that was there.  I don’t even know for sure who it was.  The basement bedroom was pitch dark and he’d run upstairs when some people showed up for a drug deal.  I was still naked in the bed and someone else walked in, but I could only see his silhouette.  For the purpose of this blog I’m not going to detail that incident or those of the other rapes, but maybe another time when I can post a warning for those who don’t want to read it.

I don’t want you to think I was terribly traumatized afterwards, but I did cry.  I told some of the other guys who were there what happened and they speculated about who it was but basically told me to suck it up.  They said no one would believe me if I tried to report it because I’d been there having sex with guys already and the court wouldn’t care. 

Now, looking back I can see that I’d only had sex with 3 different people there total and it doesn’t seem like a huge deal but this attitude made me feel pretty bad, like I was already being seen as a worthless slut.  The guy I was seeing “broke up” with me because of the rape.

Sometime after that I slept with a random guy I met on the street, who turned out to be almost twice my age and married and they (some of the guys who hung out there) found out about it.  Of course this didn’t bode well for my reputation either.  After that there was a completely unrelated guy from school that I dated for a bit and then a guy I’d had a crush on for a long time.

By this time, the guy who had been in prison had gotten out.  It was a big deal and everyone was talking about it beforehand.  “S” made an especially big deal out of this and told me I’d really like HIM.  He was definitely the “alpha male” of the group and the leader.  I was never as impressed with him as she was, but we did get along.  In fact I wrote another blog post, where I talk about him, called The Ghosts of Guys in the Past.

The first night that I had sex with my crush (who happened to be the brother of the guy I had the affair with- but that is another story) Mr. Alpha Male was driving.  I was sitting in the backseat with the Crush and another guy, who I would later become involved with, surprisingly.  He was an ASSHOLE.  The Crush was trying to be sweet and kissing me and the ASSHOLE didn’t think things were going fast enough.  He grabbed him and was pulling him off of me, saying “Let me show you how to do this!” running his hand up my leg. The Crush pushed him away and told him to back off a few times, but he was offering commentary and wouldn’t shut up.  I so wanted to slap him!

In any case, we ended up having sex while several of the guys were sneaking into a club.  We were talking afterwards and he asked how many people I’d slept with up until that point.  I said 8 (him being the 9th) and he seemed to think that was an okay number.  His was 22. I was surprised that a 15 year old had slept with that many people already and he said he started when he was 11.

I was elated, afterwards, because he and I had been flirty for quite some time and I was hoping it would go somewhere but what happened the next night changed all that.  I was gang raped by 5 of them (he wasn’t there) in a park.  It would have been 6 but the police showed up and everyone took off running (except me, I rolled under a bush, grabbing my clothes and hid there while they were shining their spotlights around).

 Again, I don’t want to get in too much detail about the rapes for the purpose of this post but it was the Alpha Male (who got me to willingly have sex with him) followed by the ASSHOLE, who came and got on me afterwards and wouldn’t let me get up to get my clothes.  Some of the other guys involved were over 21 and they all were on probation or had warrants for their arrest. 

They didn’t physically harm me in any way but I was left feeling sick emotionally.  I hadn’t fought with them and basically just lay there, but they knew I was scared.  One of the guys kept repeating “she’s scared I don’t want to do this”.  A couple of the younger guys did come back and get me after the police left and we walked back home.  When I talked about it later with “S” she said they had done the same thing to her and pulled trains on several girls.

That night ruined the romantic aspect of the relationship between the Crush and I but we did continue to have sex occasionally.  I’d say it became more of a love/hate thing.  The guys had talked about me as though I went along willingly and I was afraid to tell anyone, even S, the truth, though she may have figured as much.  There was absolutely NO WAY I would have reported any of them to the police with all the risks that entailed. I wasn’t about to be a “snitch”.

You may wonder why I continued to hang around these people and I really can’t give an answer to that because I don’t know myself.  I was gang raped again soon after, by some of the same guys, starting again with the Alpha male and the Asshole.  I continued to sleep with the both of them separately for quite some time and was involved in some other group sexual encounters with them and several more guys who would come and go from that basement room.

Now that I’ve been involved a bit in the swinger scene I can see the parallels.  A lot of times we’d all be down there and people were walking around naked, there would be porn on the tv, and lots of sex going on while others watched.  Different females came and went but S and I were pretty much stable. 

Many times the guys involved had proper girlfriends and sometimes I didn’t even know about it until afterwards. At school, for the ones who were still there anyway, we sometimes acted like we barely knew one another.  It was all underground, almost literally.  While I had a reputation with certain people, many others, including several of my fairly close girlfriends, never had a clue. 

Sure people knew S and I hung out there because Alpha Male would sometimes pick us up in his car from school and he was well known.  Still, most were not aware of the kinds of things that went on behind closed doors.  At school I continued to get decent grades and have a relatively normal life in front of others, if being seen as a bit of a partier, but we all were!

There were times when we did crazy things, like basically played a game of Sexual Roulette.  I can remember Alpha male calling out directions for us to switch partners and S and I having sex with like 4 different guys together. First she would be with him and I was with the Asshole (who was really quite good in bed, if a total jerk), then she’d be with guy C while I was with the Alpha Male and, then I’m on guy C while she is doing guy D and so on. 

At one point she and I actually got into a contest to see who could sleep with the most people.  I was winning for a while but then she had to drop out of the race due to getting pregnant.  She still fucked around then but not as much.  For me it ended when I started dating the older psycho –jealous- crazy dude that everyone was scared of.  He forbade me to spend time around there and had enough influence to keep them away. 

I did continue on with some of the guys that were involved here, eventually, and even fell in love with one that had been involved with the gang rape.  He was the one telling everyone I was scared and he didn’t want to do it (but he went along anyway).  In any case, we had a pretty good run until he broke my heart by trying to get me to have sex with these guys again, years later, when I was older and more willing to stand up for myself.  It was the Alpha Male, the Asshole and a whole hotel room full of older guys actually, like 10-15 of them and I refused and someone stole my clothes and I was crying and begging him not to make me do it.  Eventually it got to him and he put some of his own clothes on me and drove me home. 

I know this probably sounds awful and traumatic but really for the most part it wasn’t.  Still emotionally, it was hard.  I had a few boyfriends that came and went but mostly there was minimal emotional relationship and a lot of times I felt used.  It’s really hard on my part to explain WHY I would continue to go there and I think a lot of it was just psychological plus a love of sex!! 

I can’t say I was “afraid” of any of the guys themselves or anything like that.  I even once got raped at gunpoint by a college basketball player and guess where I went afterwards?  I walked straight over to that basement room, though I never told anyone what had happened. 

I didn’t like the gangbangs at all and have a hard time comprehending women who are into them (though whatever floats your boat I guess).  The sex though, for me was addictive.  I had sex just about every day with at least one person and often more, though overall it was a repeat of the same guys over and over.  S and I would sometimes think we were “doing well” if we’d gone a few days without “giving in” to sleeping with one guy or another.  We even once read an article and decided we were “sex addicts”.  Well, hell, perhaps I still am, if that’s a real malady!  I’ve taken a test online on one of these sex addicts anonymous type sites and scored pretty highly.

I know there is very low respect in general for females who are doing the whole crew so again, this tends to be something I rarely talk about. I don’t want to portray myself as a victim though, because the majority of this stuff was done willingly.  Obviously, the rapes were not but they weren’t “that bad” either.  No one was physically hurting me.  It actually took me a long time to get to the point where I could even acknowledge that they actually WERE rapes (discounting the gunpoint guy and the stranger).  I did feel badly about having a train run on me though, because who can feel good about that?  Well, maybe women who fantasize about this in a swinger context?  That is soooo hard for me to understand, I guess due to the things that happened with me.

As S said, this did end up actually giving me a certain amount of “popularity” and of course free advertising that I liked sex!  Word does tend to get out and Lord knows there were plenty of guys who exaggerated their sexual escapades with me as well but only amongst certain people.

 There were a lot of FEMALES who were jealous of me.  Many knew S and I hung out over there but weren’t really aware of the whole of what was going on.  Still it got me into a couple of fights.  Thankfully I usually had people to back me up and nothing serious came of any of it. 

To add to my “popularity” (lol) sometimes I was pulled in on drug deals as a cover.  Like I would be at a party and a couple of guys would grab me and bring me in the bathroom so as not to look suspicious.  I’d be sitting on one of the guy’s laps while they did their business. Well, of course we all know what THAT looked like to outsiders.  Some girls really resented me for stuff like this because I was let into rooms that they were locked out of and stuff and didn’t know what was going on.

In any case, I couldn’t live this way forever and as I’ve mentioned in previous posts I had a need to move on and do better for myself.  After a run with the crazy, psycho ex, the guy who broke my heart and the platonic friend who I started having threesomes with, I went away to college and from there I met my ex husband.  S didn’t know for sure that her baby belonged to Alpha Male until long after he was dead and gone. She kept on with some pretty crazy stuff though and had a child with another man who was murdered as well as with someone who abused her.  Nowadays she seems to be doing better and her oldest kids anyway are doing great and never got into the kind of trouble we did.

Anyhow, due to all this, I can’t say that for ME, monogamy seems like the default!  I really didn’t have a lot of it in my early days of having sex.  Still, EMOTIONALLY I have a tendency to WANT that.  So am I doing it because of being “damaged”?  Well, maybe to an extent but I also have seen so much cheating (and sometimes from guys you’d never guess it from and who weren’t getting into “trouble” otherwise) that it is hard for me to believe it wouldn’t happen anyway, especially even when my preaching, low sex drive ex husband fell in love with someone else!

The ghosts of guys in the past

He stood at the foot of the bed, looking especially handsome with his shirt off, leaning in towards me, talking in a hushed tone of voice. I lay on the bed, waiting for him to finish undressing. I hadn’t seen him in years but it felt so right to be doing this again. We smiled at each other and kissed, me wrapping my arms around his neck, before there was a knock at the door. He got up, walking past the long wooden chest that sat against the wall. The size and shape reminded me of a casket. I looked out the second story window and down at the people milling about on the lawn below. Friends we’d partied with when we were younger were drinking and talking amongst a sea of unfamiliar faces.

The knocking became more intense and the door opened a crack. Someone was being very persistent, and trying to rattle and push the door open. “WAIT, I’m not ready yet!” shouted my friend, pushing back up against the door, but the guy on the other side wouldn’t let up. It was then that I realized he had a gun. The struggle continued with both men pushing against the door in opposite directions, then…

BANG!!!! I shot up in bed. My body was shaking, tears streaming down my cheeks. I hadn’t thought about him in years. It had been at least a decade since we’d seen each other and my life was so different. Why now? Why would I have a dream about HIM, of all people? Not that we’d ever had any kind of fight or argument, he just hadn’t so much as crossed my mind in ages.

My part- time minister husband was working his regular job that night and not at home. It was hard for me to fall back asleep in the dark. My mind was swimming with memories and questions. Had God awoken me with a dream like that for a reason? Was I supposed to pray for this guy, and the people I had known in the past? Maybe that was it. I buried my face in the pillow, trying to pray, trying to quell my racing heart and the feeling of fear that I couldn’t shake.

Two days later my sister called me. Had I heard about what happened? The guy in my dream had been killed two days before. Shot, at a party, and then beaten with the gun. All the people there had scattered, and left him to die alone. According to my calculations he would have been laying there, on the verge of death at the approximate time of my dream. It happened in a second story apartment. Chills ran through my body as his voice echoed in my ears “WAIT, I’m not ready yet!”

At the time of his death he was 28 years old. My mind flashed back to moments in the past. The time when I’d been sitting on the curb with him after his sister died. He was drunk and trying to call her on the cordless phone. It’s the only time I’d ever seen him break down and cry. He’d told me then that he knew he’d never live to be 30 and I kept telling him to stop saying that but he insisted it was true. He said he wanted to get out of the lifestyle he was living, the parties, the chaos and I asked him why he didn’t just ask everyone to leave now and he said he couldn’t do it.

Years before he’d said the same thing. We were lying in bed after having sex and I was imploring him to tell me what he wanted to do with his future. “Are you going to go to college?” I asked and he’d responded that there would be no point since he knew he’d never live to be 30. Unconvinced, I insisted that it didn’t have to be that way, that he shouldn’t give up and he relented and said he’d probably go to community college.

I wanted to attend his funeral but couldn’t. My ex-husband thought I should forgo all contact with the people of the past and that even thinking or talking about it was “glorifying Satan” and quite possibly tempting myself to return to my former sinful ways. Plus a wake was an evil Catholic concoction that was simply an excuse for drinking alcohol. I grieved in silence. My sister, who had only known him in passing, went with her then boyfriend and reported back to me. She kept me updated on the news the papers failed to report, the underground word on the street, the fact that he’d had large amounts of cocaine coursing through his veins and a recent drug deal under his belt at the time of his death.

I have to wonder what that dream really meant. Was he still alive when I dreamt it? Was he lying on the floor dying, his life flashing before his eyes and somehow I crossed his mind? Did he come to me for a reason, after his death? If so, why me? I’ve had many dreams that were eerily prophetic but that was one of the most vivid and real I have ever experienced.

What’s funny is that he and I were never what I’d really call “close”. We’d had sex on quite a few occasions, maybe a dozen times, but it was far from a “relationship”. More like fuck buddies and we were relatively emotionally distant from one another. Still I’d spent quite a bit of time around him and at his house, sleeping with other people and sometimes he was there with other girls too. Neither one of us cared or was jealous or bothered by it at all.

He was the quintessential “alpha male” of the pack. The guy everyone looked up to and respected as a leader. His house was the center for many of the wilder get-togethers and parties of my youth. He was also the biggest manwhore I have ever met! Upon his death he had at least 6 or 7 known children with different women, one of my sister’s friends was pregnant with his baby and another friend of mine had a teenage daughter that he never even knew belonged to him. I honestly think he had sex with at LEAST 2/3 of the females I knew in high school. LOL

I can trace many of my more debase sexual experiences back to him, though I hold no grudges. He was never mean and as someone described him in a newspaper after his death, was “always debonair with the ladies”. I even remember once walking into a room at his house, when it was full of people, and finding him sitting on the end of the bed, watching his 10 year old sister sleep. He said there was no way he was letting any of these guys near her and was determined to protect her. Unfortunately he was unable to protect her from her own untimely death at the age of 13, which was truly heartbreaking.

It’s funny how the people of the past and the experiences you have with them shape the person you are today. Every person I have had sex with, even the one night stands, hold some kind of meaning in my life. Granted there is at least one on my written list that I can’t remember who the hell he was for the life of me, but overall we become a compilation of those we’ve had sexual relations with. It defines how we ourselves become in bed.

The guy I mentioned above once asked me who was the best in bed out of all the guys I’d slept with (or more specifically out of the ones I’d slept with that he knew personally, aka “his boys”, lol). He begged me to be totally honest and tell the truth, so I did. Even though I knew he wanted me to say it was him I told him what I really thought, and that was someone else, his best friend. He took it well and didn’t get upset. Another friend of mine thought he was the best in bed ever, but I just didn’t. To me the sex was mediocre, yet there are a lot of things I never would have experienced had it not been for him.

I think the people in our pasts, like it or not, will always haunt us, whether it be for good or bad. Sure, we can rid ourselves of a lot of unwanted baggage but the skeletons are still there in the closet, the memories that hide within popping out on us in moments we never expected. One guy will do something that reminds me of someone else. We pick people that have mannerisms or sexual behaviors that are similar to those we enjoyed in the past. From that we develop a “type” and some of us are very true to that. There are things I expect from men that maybe other women don’t and kinks I’ve developed in bed that are carried over from other lovers. It’s interesting how it all works out.

I wonder sometimes if it isn’t easier for those who are virgins until they find “the one” and stay together forever because they haven’t had those ghosts to live up to. Yet at the same time I wouldn’t trade the experiences that I’ve had because then I would never have discovered so many turn-ons that I enjoy now. It takes awhile to really develop a knowledge for what YOU want sexually and that realization would be hard to come to without trial and error. In any case, I’m ever growing as a sexual being, even now and thoroughly enjoying the process, even when it involves Ghostbusting! lol 😉