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Can you all keep a secret?

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I have a confession to make. This actually seems like an exceptionally weird time to make it, what with the Cohort seeming to have vanished, but it has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. I’ve wanted to write something about it, but just haven’t been able to bring myself to admit this publicly.

You know how, on this blog, I’m always ranting and railing against Madonna/Whore and the unfair way men seem to act, wanting to fuck everything in sight, yet getting jealous when a woman shows ANY interest in another man? It always bothered me sooo much, until I fell for the Cohort. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of self discovery that was sort of disturbing.

I found out that, at least with him, in a way I never expected, it TURNED ME ON.

Now, the Cohort has always been fair, and kept his jealousies in check, realizing that a double standard in our situation would not be okay. He’s gotten a little jealous a couple of times, and he was real about it, but he also got himself under control without losing it. I respect that and I feel he is better than most in that area, actually.

I’m not even talking about jealousy from a man here, really, as its not hard for me to admit that it sometimes feels good to have a man get riled up enough to show he cares. No, I’m talking about me. I’m talking about ME getting turned on by what is maybe a combination of my own jealousy mixed with a little bit of playing on a man’s Madonna/whore.

I wrote a little bit in this blog, but not much, about how I went several months without sleeping with anyone but the Cohort. What I left out, is that, not only did I have almost no desire for other men (because I was so smitten with him), but that it was also, kind of…. turning me on? Something about the fact, that he was still sleeping with people, but I was not, was making me HOT.

What the fuck Lovergirl? Where is your head? Do you need me to smack you upside of it so you can think straight again? How could you get turned on by that? Didn’t it bother you??

All good questions, and I just… don’t know. Maybe I did completely lose my head. I was so wound up in my emotions that somehow it felt…GOOD.

Like one time, when he had gone off for a weekend of gangbanging, I remember feeling mildly threatened and jealous. Only it wasn’t too bad, because I knew it was not an emotional thing for him, just sexual. When he came back, he told me all about it.

I listened to his stories for a bit before he started kissing me and taking off my clothes. He whispered in my ear “but you, you haven’t had sex for awhile, have you?” I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head no. I could tell it turned him on just as much as it did me, and the lovemaking that followed was incredibly intense. He was flooding me with affection that it felt like he’d been holding back for a long time, saving it all for me.

Not just then, but other times too. It just felt so good to feel like I was the only one on the recieving end of all that EMOTION, like he was reserving it for me, while I was reserving my body for him. Even at a party we went to, where he slept with three other women (and me with no one else, I wrote a bit about that one before), each time he would come to me afterwards for what felt like especially mind blowing sex. I loved feeling like I belonged to HIM, and him alone.

I guess that mostly ended after the first time I got pregnant. Maybe that was a big part of what lead up to that for us, subconsciously. Like he once commented, (referring to someone else) pregnancy is like the ultimate “handcuff”. After losing the baby(ies) I felt the need to use logic again and also be sleeping with other men, since we aren’t committed. I wanted to protect my heart, which was getting too involved.

Even now, I have been having a very hard time getting over the emotional hurdle of having sex with other men. I’ve slept with some, but I just can’t seem to open myself up. I’m holding back much more than usual.

All this has helped me understand, at least maybe a little more, the whole cuckhold phenomenon. I’ve always found it kind of baffling, but maybe I get it more than I want to admit, from my own angle. Did you know that there are females that are into that and they are called cuckqueens? You don’t hear a whole lot about that, but I wonder if it is more common than we realize.

It seems like, the little bit you can find online about that sort of thing though, is filled with levels of degradation and humiliation that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not all about that. For me I guess, it’s something different.

Like at the parties before, he has done things like had me suck his dick before he went off and fucked someone else, but nothing about it felt bad. I knew he was coming back to me, tenfold, afterwards.

I once sort of shared my feelings about all this with the Cohort, over a short text. We didn’t talk about it in depth but he brought it up on Valentine’s Day, during my miscarriage and while we were eating at a pizzeria. It wasn’t a good time and I kind of just denied it all and looked away. He tends to probe my feelings and reactions more deeply, but this time he just looked at me quizically and didn’t comment. I think he knows.

It’s just one of those things that is very hard to talk about. It’s like admitting you feel okay with that can be very shameful and embarrassing. I think, with the Cohort, my level of emotional safety was so much higher that I felt I could drop my guard and just be who I am. He would lightly tease me about things of that nature or jokingly call me his “slut slave” but he never took it too far.

There is something super intimate though, about taking it to a deeper level that way. I miss him so much. 😦 At least you all are getting some good writing out of this! πŸ˜‰

Sex in front of a stranger

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(No, that’s not us, it’s a random pic I found online πŸ˜‰ )

So I finally had sex with someone other than the Cohort again. Actually, it’s been two people. I went on a date with someone new too, but that was sort of a disaster.

In any case, one of those people was the Host. I was super horny and had just seen the Cohort the day before. I was practically climbing the walls that day and we’d had sex like 8 times in a row. It was wonderful. But I didn’t want to ask him AGAIN.

I wasn’t trying to bother him or pressure him to sleep with me if he wasn’t the one inviting me over, especially not two days in a row. Sometimes I think my sexual needs would be too demanding for any guy to keep up with.

Like 6 other guys hit me up that day. I knew I was probably ovulating and it was funny to me that all these men were hitting me up out of the blue. You know how an animal in heat can send off signals for miles away for the males to pick up on? That’s what I felt like, lol.

Since I’m not on birth control I thought the Host, with his vasectomy, plus living close by, would be a wiser choice. He could give me what I was really craving, someone to cum inside of me, without actually having to worry about pregnancy.

His kids are in town for the summer, so he invited me to come over after they fell asleep. We fucked on his bed and it was relatively unemotional and quick, but hey I got what I wanted. He even made a comment to that effect, which was funny because I’d never said anything. I guess it was obvious.

He apologized for cumming so quickly and claimed he hadn’t had sex with anyone else since me, which was a couple of months ago. I said you have got to be kidding me, not even at the swinger parties? He said no. He’d worried me a little bit because he was biting on my neck and I really didn’t want him to leave any hickies. Thankfully that was okay. He asked some about the Cohort but not too extensively. Then I left. LOL

My other sexual experience was a little more interesting. The Married Man and I fucked in front of a random guy we met off Craigslist.

He’d been hitting me up every day for a long time and I kept turning him down. Not that I don’t love sex with the Married Man, but he was wanting to meet in a parking garage and that just didn’t sound appealing. I kept thinking, why the hell can’t he just get a freaking hotel?

In any case, he finally asked if I wanted him to stop contacting me and I said NO, and admitted the parking garage thing wasn’t floating my boat. So he put up a Craigslist ad asking if anyone wanted to watch in exchange for a place for us to fuck.

I’m not kidding, it was like 10 minutes later that he contacted me with an address of where we should go. I have no idea what he put in the ad, because he took it down almost immediately, after saying he got like 20 responses.

One of them apparently offered him $200 to watch us too but he wasn’t responding back quickly enough to emails and we were pressed for time. It was like 2pm on a weekday. I guess there are tons of guys looking for some live porn at that time, ha!

He promised that the person he chose seemed normal and not weird looking and sent me a picture. The address was less than 20 min from my house. The picture was a stark naked blonde guy with a hard dick. I’m like okay….I guess I will meet you.

I got there before the Married Man, which made me a little nervous. The house was nice enough looking, with a decent car in the driveway, but it was just around the corner from some of the worst neighborhoods in the city, literally. I was driving through those to get there, wondering what I was getting myself into. I parked a couple of houses down, on the other side of the street, to wait.

The Married Man pulled up a few minutes later and we got out of our cars. He looked bigger and taller than I’d remembered (for some reason he always does) and he said I looked like I’d been working out (true!). As we approached the front door, he asked if I was nervous.

I admitted I was a little, though it was decidedly less so now that he was there with me. Then the man opened the door. He seemed nice and reasonably normal. Actually, he was kind of cute. Not weird looking at all. Just an average, maybe 30 year old, blonde, blue eyed man.

There were cats in the house and some dirty dishes on the table but other than that it was decently clean. You could hear dogs barking in a bedroom and he said they were his rescue pit bull puppies, not to worry, he’d keep them in there. Almost immediately, he led us up the stairs.

There was his bed, unmade, but it didn’t look dirty and some laundry laying on the floor. I looked around but no sign of cameras and the Married Man asked. The guy assured us there would be no pictures, he just wanted to watch. He stood at the end of the bed, near the entrance to a bathroom.

The Married Man quickly pulled me to the side of the bed, kissing me hard and starting to remove my sundress. He was ready to rip the thing off but I had to stop him so I could untie the back, lol. He was biting my neck, and pushed me down on the bed, yanking off my panties. I was naked before I really had any time to think about it.

He motioned to me to come over and suck his dick. He wasn’t hard yet and I briefly worried that he wasn’t going to be able to get it up in this scenario, but thankfully that wasn’t a problem. πŸ˜‰ The man continued to watch as he pulled me over to the side of the bed to lick my pussy.

From there, he made me turn so that the man could get a better view of between my legs as he climbed on top of me for a 69. Soon after, he flipped me to the side and entered me missionary style. He kissed me and whispered in my ear “are you okay?” I said yes.

Then he went to town, fucking me all kinds of ways. I could tell he was enjoying showing off. He was pulling my hair in doggy style and had me in another position where my hips were way up in the air, and my head was barely touching the bed, so my body was completely splayed out for the other guy to see. I can’t even remember all of what we did but, as usual, it was good.

I almost forgot about the other man for a minute, but I could hear him fapping away and glanced over once or twice to see him stroking his cock. At one point the Married Man whispered to me “do you want him to join?” and I said no. It was a split second decision but maybe I should have said yes, lol.

He went back to ramming me hard, making me scream and cum again and again. Every once in awhile he’d slow down and kiss me. Then suddenly he pulled out and stuck his dick in my mouth, forcing my head onto it while he came. I was practically gagging on cum and he said to the guy “I didn’t want to get it on your bed”. LOL

He asked “did you enjoy the show?” and the man said “yes, very much”. He invited us to come back should we ever need a place to fuck again. I saw him duck into the bathroom to wash the cum off his hands. We dressed quickly and he ushered us down the steps.

The Married Man hugged me goodbye and asked how I was doing, saying he knew the guy would be normal once he saw the house and car. I said I was good but he wasn’t sure because he called a little bit later wanting to check in. I was at the gas station by then and he texted too. I assured him that I had fun and was totally fine and he said he did too. I wonder why he was so worried? lol

Quick version of my date gone bad: I met this man off the swinger site, a white guy. He mislead me by showing me a picture that was probably 30 years old (or maybe his son?) and told me he used to play pro football. In the picture “he” and two other guys were in the local professional football team jerseys.

Yeah, he was full of it. In person he looked at least 65 and said he’d retired last year (so 66?) from teaching and coaching a high school team. He said he briefly played semi pro basketball in another state, years ago. Yeah…

Anyway, the guy tried to coerce me into doing sexual things by making bets with me over a game of pool. He said if I got the ball in 3 times in a row he’d give me $100 but if he got it in I “owed” him a blow job. Of course he did and I was dreading following through.

I got in this vehicle very briefly and he whipped out his dick but I couldn’t do it. It looked slimy and gross. Plus, he had tried to get me to get in the back of his SUV, which had some sort of a leopard skin rug laying across the back with pillows. It creeped me out. :p So much for that. He tried to text afterwards, apologizing for making mistakes, claiming he hadn’t been on a date in 3 years. I finally told him I’m just not interested.

I haven’t told the Cohort yet that I have slept with anyone else. I may or may not. So far I’ve been able to answer any questions he has asked, honestly, without revealing it. I know logically that he doesn’t have the “right” to be upset or anything but I am still a little worried how he would react. I feel mildly guilty even though I really shouldn’t.

He may not care at all and it may just be me being silly. I really do like him and I don’t want to rock the boat. I won’t lie though if it comes up. I’ve noticed he’s not talking about his exploits as often lately either. I kind of prefer when he tells me, so I don’t know. I guess we will see what happens.

My DREAM open relationship

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All this relationship talk about the Cohort has me pondering some things lately. I’ve been thinking about what it is that I really WANT, what my DREAM relationship would look like, and what I think I could handle. I am pretty sure, at this point in my life, that a traditional monogamous thing wouldn’t be for me. Yet, there are things I crave that you can’t find just fucking around all the time.

The Cohort and I have been having some interesting discussions. He KEEPS bringing up marriage and babies, which has me pretty confused because he also is still saying he can’t handle that with me, due to my kids. It’s like, okay, then why do you keep talking about it??? Of course, I come as a package deal and he knows that.

I really like him too, which is not helping me think straight!! I mean, I like him enough that, yes, I could see those things with him for sure, just not in a “traditional” way. Not because of him, necessarily, but because of both of us, and our inclinations to have sex with different people. I don’t see us getting seriously monogamous and being able to sustain that for any length of time.

He took me out to lunch, recently, and sat there and asked me if I could handle having another baby. I said “not as a single mom”. He was like (dead serious) “NO LOVERGIRL, that is NOT what I asked you”. Uhhhh… yeah that would be a totally different scenario than what I have going on now!

Then we got into this long discussion another night where he again reiterated that he didn’t feel he could take on the responsibilities involved with raising my kids. Again, I have never asked him to do this, but the topic keeps coming up. So I asked him if he meant “NEVER” and he hesitated and said probably never. Boundary set, right? I’m STILL not 100% sure due to his seemingly contradictory behavior.

He admitted to having feelings for me. He says he just doesn’t want to take it to THAT level and I do understand that. So, I’m acting accordingly. Still he calls and texts me a lot and we spend a lot of time together, doing a lot of relationship type stuff. Oh, and he clearly wants to get married and have babies…with SOMEONE!

Anyhow, he also brought up swinging and that he felt bad that I didn’t play at some of the parties. He said he wanted me to be able to have fun too. I had to let him know that I DID have fun, that there really weren’t guys at the one party that I wanted to play with anyhow and that I don’t think like a man. Yes, I like sex but I’m not there to fuck as many people as possible in one night, unless I actually find them attractive.

As for the other party, I admitted that the Host had said he didn’t feel we could play with him there. He didn’t like that but understood about guys not wanting to step on his toes. He said we would have to find a way to make it clear to people when it is okay, but that he also feels uncomfortable with “inviting” other men to fuck me. Still, he is adamant that he would like to see me be able to play too. So I think there is hope for us sometimes at these parties. πŸ˜‰

I probably was too worried about his reaction to me playing, due to my experiences with other guys. He may be totally okay with it all. He said he’d been a little concerned that my not playing meant I was hoping for him to reciprocate and I said no, that wasn’t it at all. It’s not, I’ve actually not been bothered by him playing with other women, thus far, probably because I am totally sure he likes ME so I don’t feel threatened. According to him, he wants me to tell him if I ever DO feel jealous, which kind of sounds like a bad idea, lol, but I guess we will see if that ever happens.

All of these discussions, plus a wedding that the Cohort attended this weekend (he kept talking about it beforehand),all had me thinking about what I would REALLY want, if I could snap my fingers and have that perfect, dream scenario. I don’t think my little dream is THAT unique, since I have heard of others wanting something similar, but it’s definitely not “traditional”.

I shared it with the Cohort, with the caveat that I wasn’t expecting HIM to fulfill any of this. He liked it and said it was interesting, he could relate to a lot of it. I think I may have shocked him a little. Sometimes, I think people know what and how I am thinking, and forget that they really don’t. He was surprised when I told him before, that I wasn’t on the lookout for something monogamous. SMFH

What I said was that in my dream world, I would be in a serious, but not monogamous, relationship with Mr. Dream Guy, whoever that may be. He would be someone that wanted and could handle living with me and my children (eventually) and who would treat them well. To the outside world, it would look and seem like a typical relationship, we might even get married.

However, we would both have the freedom to play as we wanted with other people. No one would know this, of course, except maybe really close friends and, of course, the people we were playing with.

I said I would probably have a couple of guys that I played with occasionally, besides him. They would be tried and true people, that I knew were cool and could be trusted and fun in bed. (Of course, when I told this to the Cohort he focused on this, of all things- haha- he was like, you want guys who can bang you well!!) The guy would be able to play with whoever too, but we would put each other first.

Of course he would have to like ME the best and we would have to be really into each OTHER. We wouldn’t let other people get crazy attached or cause any issues. I would prefer if he weren’t TOO attached to the other women, but I also wouldn’t want him to be a jerk to them or treat them badly or anything. Just, they would have to know boundaries and so would the guys.

I’d want some emotional exclusivity, though not sexual. I think I would want us to tell each other what we were up to in GENERAL but maybe not notify every time we were playing. Occasionally, we would do something wild, just for fun… a swinger party or some group sex TOGETHER.

BUT we’d do the whole family thing too! Maybe even have a baby or two (I know people think that’s crazy but I’d happily have more babies if I had the money and a supportive husband/co-parent). The kids wouldn’t know what was up and we wouldn’t play with others at our house. That would have to be at hotels, or their house or parking garages or whatever else we could come up with. If we could afford it, even maybe a small apartment for that purpose that we sometimes went to together too, just for fun. πŸ™‚

Of course we’d both be totally okay with everything and trust each other and communicate. I’m sure if I were pregnant and having babies I’d slow down on playing some but we’d still have an open agreement. We would also make sure to spend time together, and go out at least once or twice a week but we would be able to have our space and hang out with the girls/guys and do some other things without each other too.

I also told him that if I got married again I think I’d skip a lot of the stress and just go elope on a beach somewhere or something. I had the whole traditional wedding the first time around and I couldn’t wait for it to be over and go on my honeymoon. Way too much work, stress and money that was basically to please other people, in my case! He said he thought either a beach or that it would be fun to get married at a nice hotel in Vegas, that he’d seen some simple but elegant weddings done there before. ANYHOW, he wasn’t referring to anyone in particular, I don’t think, just threw that one in there. LOL

I finally decided to tell him all this stuff, not because I expect HIM to be a part of it but because I wanted to be honest about what I really want. Honest with myself, and with others. Right now, to me, that is what sounds like a dream. I don’t know that I could ever find it or that a guy would be TOTALLY on board with all of it, but hey, its a nice little fantasy. Who knows? πŸ˜‰

“Relationship” ruminations

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I’ve been spending a lot of time with the Cohort lately. If it’s not a “relationship” (because it seems like no one ever wants that title with me) then I don’t know what the hell else to call it. In any case, we’ve been hanging out a lot.

A couple of weeks ago he took me out for drinks with his best friend and his wife again. We had fun and they were inviting “us” to further activities together. The Cohort later said it kind of freaked him out that his friend seemed to be pushing the whole relationship thing, but nevertheless he took me out again with them and some other friends, soon after, to a Sushi bar.

Later that night, we went to a swinger party at the Host’s house. I’d double checked with him beforehand to make sure it wouldn’t be awkward for me to show up with another guy and he said that was no problem. He said never to worry about stuff like that with him.

What’s kind of funny is that I didn’t end up playing with anyone, even though the Host and one of the cousins I have fucked a few times, were both there. The Cohort and I only played with each other, on a cot in a back room. We’d talked beforehand and he’d told me he assumed I’d play and that it would be okay.

The Host, at one point, came up to me, and another woman and asked if we were ready to pop things off with some group sex. We both kind of shrugged and were like “sure” but then he says “no, you can’t, your man couldn’t handle it”. I was like “he says he can” and he looked at me and shook his head.

He said “no, he can’t. I see the way he looks at you. Trust me. He can’t handle it. That’s your man.” He was being serious and acting as though he was actually concerned about the Cohort’s feelings. He said something similar a second time and another woman who was there questioned him. She was like “don’t you think he can make that decision for himself?” But the Host said he could tell.

I’m not really sure what he saw that made him say that. I’m curious though. I think he may be right, honestly, and I’m kind of afraid of that. I really like this guy and the last thing I want to do is mess it all up by fucking someone else and having him see me in a different light. I think that’s why I’ve been holding back at parties lately. Heck, I’ve been holding back pretty much everywhere. I haven’t slept with anyone else in over 3 weeks.

I know its OKAY for me to do and I haven’t made any promises otherwise. I know HE has still been fucking this married woman and looking around on Craigslist. Still, I’ve kind of been shutting out other men.

Part of it I think is just natural (for me) when I’m falling for someone. My focus is really more in one place and the other men in my life start to get neglected. I was kind of like that with the Professor too. I sort of had to MAKE myself fuck other people.

I’m not as sure in this case that I want to do that. Part of me is going well yeah, duh, you need to fuck other people because he is and otherwise you are really going to get hurt! On the other hand though, I’m really happy with him (plus we’ve been having a TON of sex, lol) and other guys are starting to seem less appealing.

Not all of them…Mr Firm is still very appealing to me, lol, and I would fuck him in a heartbeat, but he’s kind of exceptional. He still is a little further away though and our schedules haven’t meshed.

Of course, the Host did whisper in my ear when he hugged me goodbye that he’d like to meet up later in the week. When he texted I was unable to make it but he’s since been looking at my swinger profile and I think winked at me (I’m not a paid member so cant say for sure but I suspect it was him). I’m not going to say I wouldn’t fuck him, at some point I probably would.

The Married Man still texts me almost every weekday wanting to have sex. We haven’t for a long time though. Mainly because he doesn’t seem to want to get a hotel and is always suggesting his house (like first thing in the morning when I’m barely out of bed) or a freaking parking garage. I’m kind of like meh….maybe not. Even though I know the sex would be great….well, maybe not in a parking garage, it’s hard to say. One thing I will say about that man though, is he is persistent! LOL We will see…

The Pilot showed up the other day. Long story short, he’d kind of pissed me off again. He had promised to pay babysitting when we were going out the last time and didn’t. So he shows up, like 6 weeks later, saying he hasn’t forgotten, and paid me double. Hmmm…. He took me out to brunch at the IHOP too. I am pretty sure he was hinting at sex afterwards but he didn’t come out and say it outright and ended up taking me home. I haven’t heard from him since then but I am sure I will again.

The Poly guy…..I think that may be coming to an end. I’m just not feeling him or the whole situation. He’s not really coming through as a Sugar Daddy either and that’s the part I was liking the best. Boooo!

Soooo… back to the Cohort. In addition to working for him, he’s been paying me to cook him meals a couple of times a week. Of course that virtually always turns into a long sex session. On top of that we’ve been doing other things, taking walks together, meeting for lunch near his work, going out, hanging out on the couch to watch movies, you name it.

I let him make all the plans and do the calling to get together. I don’t want to push ANYTHING but it has been kind of “couply”. Oh, and the other day over lunch he tells me he needs to have a baby! He made a comment about how he is getting older (he’s 35) and I’m like you still have plenty of time. He said he does but not so much the women he’s with.

He later commented that he was probably going to end up getting some hood rat pregnant, or maybe a girl from (mytown). Hmmm…. Did I mention he has cum in me a few times? He acted like it was by accident, but he didn’t apologize. He only said “sorry for yelling in your ear,” lmao ;). I’m not pregnant, I’m on my period right now, but I have to admit a part of me would be happy, if it was with him.

Maybe that’s another reason I’ve been less likely to fuck around as of late. Because if anything did happen like that, I’d know for damn sure whose it was. The other guys I’ve been with more recently have been wearing condoms too, or like the Host, has a vasectomy.

The Married woman that the Cohort sleeps with has been getting a little jealous. She commented to him that I am going to think he wants something serious with the way he has been treating me. He told me this and I’m like why is it any of her effing business? I asked if he was going to let her dictate what we do together and he said of course not and that he agrees she is probably upset because he doesn’t take her out with his friends or do couple things with her.

She has a point, I guess, even though I find her sticking her nose into whatever we are doing annoying. He DOES kind of treat me like he wants more, even though he claimed to be unsure about the whole thing. So I’m still a bit confused. I’m trying not to hope too much or expect ANYTHING, though my sister was telling me recently that her current boyfriend (they are about to move in together and he’s taken on the Daddy role with her kids) kept saying in the beginning that he didn’t know if he could handle a relationship because of the kids either. Still, he said he didn’t know if he could handle it, and that very well may be the truth.

In the meantime, we are having a lot of fun so I don’t want to let worrying about that ruin it all. He did make a comment, asking if it was “bad” that he is “flattered” that I haven’t been playing around that made me kind of wonder if he really would rather I didn’t. Still, no promises. I tried to clarify with him whether or not he wants me to TELL him when I fuck around and he was vague so I am taking that as a no! If he asked, though, I wouldn’t want to lie.

He tells me a lot, about what he is doing with other women or if he’s put up a Craigslist ad or something, but I’m not sure it’s everything. I don’t mind and really, with him, kind of prefer to know. I feel better that he’s so open about things, no surprises. So far I’ve been able to handle it pretty well, so I guess that’s a good thing.

I guess time will tell if the Host was right about him…if I ever get to fucking around again! Kidding, I know I will eventually, there’s no promise of commitment, plus I honestly don’t think either of us is the type that would want to keep THAT up long term even if we DID get in a “relationship”. He’s admitted, on his end that his “monogamous” relationships always ended because of him cheating and I know that I would get restless after awhile too. At this point in my life I think I can admit that.

Being the third wheel

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I haven’t mentioned a whole lot about Mr. Poly on my blog lately, but it’s been kind of a weird ride. He continues to act as a semi-Sugar Daddy, but at times it seems half assed. Other times, he goes all out.

Like, a while back he had me picked up from my house in his limo for a night on the town. His girlfriend had insisted that I get babysitting taken care of that night so that we could go to this women only event at a club, then we were all supposed to hit some other places in the city. It wasn’t quite what I expected.

I was the first person picked up and it was very early in the evening. We were supposed to be having appetizers at this women’s event so I hadn’t eaten and had ordered my kids a pizza. When I arrived at the girlfriend’s home though, plans had changed.

There was another woman there. I had no idea who she was. She looked just as shocked to see me as I was her. She was older, around the age of Mr. Poly and the girlfriend (late 40’s). I was trying to figure out if she was a friend of the girlfriend’s, a co-worker, a lover?

I didn’t discover for sure, until much later in the evening, that she was indeed someone he/they were having sex with. Uhh… apparently she’s been around a month or two, without my knowledge. She made a catty sounding comment once, asking if I ever dated guys “my own age,” but other than that, was decently nice.

Anyhow, we were all going out together. They had decided, instead of hitting the clubs we had originally planned on going to, or going to the women’s event, we were going to some other places. One was a country bar….gag…. Thank God we never made it there, haha. (Sorry, just not my thing).

We went to what is supposed to be a cool place, with live music…but it was uh, 8:30 pm. So of course no one was there yet and the band wouldn’t be playing for a couple more hours. I texted the Cohort and he was shaking his head at my predicament, like, seriously, who goes there that early at night??

In any case, it sucked and they ended up wanting to head back to this same older person’s bar they have taken me to before. It’s kind of their “spot” I guess. It wasn’t that bad, but guess who was there? The Englishman….eeek. And guess who had also fucked him before?? The other woman that was along. She’d only done him once too and decided she was done. Hmmmm…

Then she proceeds to tell me that she is a dominatrix :: blink, blink ::: Mr. Poly later explained she is a “switch” and doesn’t act that way with them. Oh, okay. Her other kink is that she likes to watch bisexual men get it on. So she goes to this sex club that the Cohort has been going to, to watch. (The Cohort is not bi, he goes there with this married couple and the wife likes to get gangbanged there, but they have “bi” nights for men and a sizable portion of bi men that attend, as well as people with various fetishes).

Interesting. I’m kind of curious to check this place out, but then again, maybe not. The Cohort says most of the people there are not that attractive and that I definitely wouldn’t want to go alone. He says if I came with him he’d feel like he needed to spend most of his time protecting me from the guys that would be expecting me to play, that they are more pushy than your average swinger club.

Maybe someday. In any case, I didn’t even end up having sex with Mr. Poly that night. His limo driver was in a hurry to get back and needed to take me home. It was like 3 am. But the other two women stayed and he said they had fun. I was kind of glad to be leaving, actually.

I’m just not that into Mr. Poly. I mean, he is alright. The last time we had sex was in this over the door sex swing. I was alone with him and it was actually better than usual, but most of the time I’m not really feeling it.

I’m really not liking the whole 3rd wheel aspect. It feels like they sort of expect me to just do whatever they want, don’t inform me of any of their plans or make me a part of them, and I’m just supposed to know my “place”.

Mr. Poly uses condoms on me every time, which is good, but he doesn’t use them on his girlfriend. When we are at his house and she is not there, we have to play in a separate bedroom because it’s one of her “rules”. He told me I had “earned the privilege” of being in their bedroom when she is there, which was really kind of annoying. I’m just like, what the fuck ever. I don’t care about “earning privileges” with them, I’m not in grade school.

He doesn’t go down on me, but I’ve seen him do it on her. That could be offensive, but I think it’s another of their little “rules”. He calls her the “Queen Bee” and says she gets first pick of things, like when he bought some lingerie off of a website for us. I haven’t gotten to take “mine” home or wear it yet because apparently she has to have hers first.

Oh, and the pole dancing classes he is supposed to be paying for. We STILL haven’t gotten to go. Mainly because she keeps having things come up or doesn’t want to do it that night. So she doesn’t pay for the month of classes. I want to knock her upside the head!! I could go any time I wanted, once she buckles down and uses the credit card he gave her. It kind of feels like she is doing it on purpose because she doesn’t like him spending money on ME.

He says she keep tabs on his spending on other women, to make sure he doesn’t “get taken advantage of” and that she was a little concerned one night when he bought my kids pizza. I’m like wtf? I never asked for that, it was his idea, so I wouldn’t have to cook dinner. She was just being passive aggressive, or so it seems.

In any case, he did pay to have the A/C on my van temporarily fixed, which was $250. He had offered to have his maintenance people come and work on some things on my house, but they still haven’t done that. He did let me drive his SUV for a few days, and gave me a gas card once when I was driving my kids to their dad’s, that I ended up putting about $150 on.

If it weren’t for those little side benefits though, I’d probably lose interest pretty quickly. He sometimes acts like he wants more with me, but I don’t like the whole situation all that much. It makes me feel like I’m being treated second rate. He CLAIMS not to see me that way at all and that he wants a “relationship” with me, but the actions seem to say differently. I asked what he meant by that and he said I’d have “more rules”. Uh, no thanks…haha

The Cohort kind of called me on this. He said its not fair of me to expect to be on par with the girlfriend. He was like they had their thing going first and you knew what you were getting into. According to him, he wouldn’t care if it was him in a similar situation with a couple. He’s like, this guy is spending all kinds of money on you so what are you complaining about? LOL

Yeah, I guess he has a point, but I still feel like they don’t really respect me as a person. They are not thinking of ME as a human being with my own set of emotions and wants and desires but just as someone there to fulfill their agenda. This is why I’m not really a good “unicorn”. I don’t like it. I don’t like having my lower position in their little whatever they have rubbed in my face. I’m still going along with it, for now, but we will see how long that lasts.

Oh and I don’t think I told you all about the pole. When I suggested the pole dancing lessons, Mr. Poly and the girlfriend were so excited about it that he ran out and bought a pole for their house. He actually set aside an entire room devoted to pole dancing. It has the pole in the middle, speakers built into the ceiling and a mirror along one wall, as well as disco lights. He’s getting some lounge furniture to go with it.

Great! I wish I had a practice pole at my house but I don’t. He said I could come there to practice but it’s half an hour away so not much chance to do that often.

He was very excited to show me the room and it did LOOK great, but there was one problem. The GIRLFRIEND had put up the pole and it wasn’t stable. It’s like a tension rod style instead of one of the good ones that is secured into the ceiling. SO, when he and I were there alone and I was waiting for him to come upstairs, I decided to give it a practice whirl.

Guess what happened? The whole thing slipped out from under me on the wood floor and came crashing down on my head and made a hole in the wall. Not only that, but it made a big gash in my forehead. I may have a lifelong scar. :/

Thankfully its pretty small and he had run to the store to get me some liquid bandage (at my request). Its mostly healed up but yeah, hope it doesn’t leave a scar. Ugh. My head was bleeding and he still wanted to have sex with me and take a few pictures. He said he felt really bad. I’m sure he did.

His girlfriend claimed to have used the pole the night before, but there is no way she was really doing anything on it for it not to have slipped. Makes you wonder if it was a setup?! I don’t know if she hates me that much though, lol.

The Cohort says I’m the best looking of the women (he saw a picture of our night out) and should easily be able to “take over”. I’m like, I’m not trying to do that!! LOL He’s like “why not??” but that’s really not on my agenda. :p

Anyway, I don’t know. The girlfriend seemed for a bit like she was warming up to me but I still feel like she resents my presence. Yet she goes along with it all, probably because he is providing for her, a house, money and all that. I guess it still remains to be seen what else will come of this. For a minute there I thought I was going to be in bed with him and BOTH other women. I wonder if there is anyone else?

Some Cohort Confusion

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Remember how I said things seemed to be heading towards more serious with the Cohort? Apparently he thought so too. In fact, he wanted to bring up a “discussion” about it. Sigh…

It was his idea to talk about this. He admitted that I had never given any real indication that I thought the relationship needed to go anywhere. He now says he regrets even bringing it up, that it was probably too soon and that he did so because HE was starting to feel emotions that made him think about me in that light.

Okay, but what he wanted to SAY was that he DOESN’T want the relationship to go anywhere. He said he’d been thinking about it and he just can’t handle it. He’s not ready to take on my kids or sure he could handle the whole swinger thing with someone he considered his “girl”.

He gave me some speech about how he thinks I am every bit WORTH all of that but he doesn’t think he can handle it. Then he said, who knows, he may change his mind later, he just didn’t want that expectation. THAT kind of pissed me off. I was like don’t do that to me. Don’t give me this talk about how you don’t want that then try to give me hope that things might change.

Anyhow, the whole discussion was REALLY upsetting. Mainly because I had never seriously allowed myself to even THINK like THAT. Not about him, not about anyone at all, since my divorce. I just assume most men are not going to want that kind of serious with me, due to the kids and general circumstances. Its a lot to take on. I don’t expect that at all, from anyone.

He brought all this up and made me think about things I don’t even allow myself to think about because I am too afraid to hope for it. It freaking CRUSHED me, to have him bring it up and dangle the thoughts in front of my face then turn around and be like, we can never have this because of the situation.

It’s not that I don’t understand. I do. I know all too well that it’s highly unlikely that most decent men would consider doing the family thing or anything close to marriage with me. I’m not saying this because I don’t think I am personally worth it, but because I have more than the average number of children and I know its a huge responsibility, both emotionally and financially, for anyone to consider.

Why did he bring this up?? He says it was because he’s been thinking about it a lot. That basically we’ve been behaving like we are already in a relationship, that he was seeing me as someone he could have a future with, because I’m like everything he wants in a woman, otherwise. Then he got to thinking about how we met (Craigslist! And the swinger site) and the whole swinger thing too and that kind of bothered him as well.

OUCH. 😦 The whole discussion just about killed me. I was crying over it for a couple of days. 😦 He said he felt really shitty even bringing it up because I’d never asked for or demanded anything of him relationship wise. He said he just wanted to be sure to remind us BOTH that its “just FWB”.

I felt like I was being rejected/dumped but he swears up and down that was not his intent. He says he would ideally like to keep everything we have the same. He still wants to hang out, have sex, go out to dinner or swingers parties, spend time together and have me help him with his business. All this, but without the expectation of “more”.

What’s funny is it’s not like I really EXPECTED that anyway. I would have been on cloud 9, yes, if he’d said he wanted that with me, but I’d never have dreamt of ASKING for it if he hadn’t said anything himself. Ugh. Just a bad thing to bring up, especially right before I started my period.

It made it even worse that he made a comment about how if he ever DID get into a serious relationship, it would be with someone like me. He said probably someone he just happened to meet, at a bar, on the swinger site, Craigslist or somewhere like that. I’m like nice, so now I have to worry about that happening at any time? Before I felt confident that he was really into me, but that kind of ripped it out from under my feet.

Emotionally I was a wreck. I was seriously considering having nothing to do with him again and decided not to go to this weekend long swinger party at the lake we had planned on. How could I in that state of mind? I’d suddenly feel threatened by other women and insecure, which would make it a bad experience for the both of us.

Actually, if he’d gone down by himself, at that point, I couldn’t have handled it either. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive him for making me feel like crap and then just walking away to go have fun and fuck other people, someplace we’d planned to go together, without making things right first. I would feel abandoned, whether or not it was reasonable.

I told him how I felt and that I wasn’t demanding he stay back or anything, he was free to do what he wants, but this is how it is affecting me. He said he would take that into consideration, and ultimately he decided to stay Friday night. He would probably go down to the lake Saturday, but he wanted to give us a chance to make up first.

We talked and decided we were both on the same page still and okay with doing everything we have been doing and no expectations. Feelings are fine and bound to be there but it doesn’t have to “go anywhere”. We’d still be free to act the same way. Both of us were relieved and done with the “relationship talk” for the time being.

Then he asked me out. We went to a jazz bar and had a good time, followed by dinner at a late night greasy hamburger joint. He spent the night at my house and we had lots of good sex and lots of laughs. He asked if I would still like to go to the swinger party with him and I agreed to come along. πŸ™‚

The next morning we had more sex and showered and got ready to go. We went shopping together for alcohol and food and stuff for the trip, then headed that way. We had good talks on the way down but mostly avoided the whole relationship thing.

At the party we had a good time. There was no one there I particularly wanted to fuck, though there were some guys I definitely did NOT want to fuck. We had known that ahead of time and discussed some things about it, so it was all good.

He slept with three women at the party, once each, but spent a lot more time with me. I think we had sex about 5 or 6 times there, plus the few the night before and a few times after we came back home. He even said after the first woman he slept with that it made him want to be with me even more for some reason.

He was a little perturbed when a couple of men busted in on him having sex with a woman in order to ask if they could have permission to fuck ME. LOL They hadn’t even said anything to me at that point, but wanted to ask HIM first. Its amazing to me sometimes how much more respect guys will show towards another man in that situation, yet they will get all pushy with the woman when she’s alone. These same guys, once he said it was up to me, were hounding me a bit but I chose not to go there, even though they were trying to argue me into it while he was in the other room.

I just wasn’t feeling any of the men there that night, even though several asked. Him having sex with others mostly didn’t bother me at all. The only time I got mildly upset was when he made a comment about not knowing if he would have “anything left” for me at the end of the night. It rubbed me the wrong way for a minute and he didn’t like my reaction but we remedied that fairly quickly and he did have plenty left over, lol. :p

Oh and then Mr. Motorcycle happened to show up. Eeek! That was awkward. He came and tried to lay a guilt trip on me, saying he couldn’t fuck anyone there because he didn’t think they were as beautiful as I was. That really wasn’t even true as all of the women there were at least somewhat attractive and I’d say some were prettier than I am, definitely with better bodies. I’m less than perfect after having had kids. :p

So whatever. He didn’t stay long at all and maybe it did have something to do with me. He claimed he’s been pining over me since I stopped talking to him and I really hope that was bullshit. I hate hurting people’s feelings but he definitely was not a good guy for me, and he lied a lot.

There was one point where the Cohort offered to have a threesome with me and another guy but the guy was getting ready to leave. He was a younger guy, it was his first party, but he was actually pretty good looking. It could have been fun…damn. Oh well. I was glad that the Cohort at least was considering it. That could say good things about future parties, for me.

He said afterwards that he was a little concerned I hadn’t played. Mainly “concerned” because he’s still not sure how or if he is going to be able to handle it. He kind of wants to see how it goes down and how much it will or won’t bother him.

He said he really liked having me there with him, that he enjoyed the companionship more than anything else. If he’d been there by himself he’d have spent a lot more time alone. We spent a lot of time talking and making out, especially late at night. We slept in a room with several beds and other couples and people watched us fucking a couple of the times, so it wasn’t like I didn’t do ANYTHING.

We drank and talked and socialized with people and he commented later that he likes how friendly I am. He was a little concerned that people would automatically assume we are a “couple” because of how publicly affectionate we were but then said he really didn’t mind if people thought that. Some women expressed concern that I might be upset with him sleeping with them alone, but I wasn’t, same as the guys who wanted to double check before even trying with me.

I actually went out of my way to leave him alone for a little bit here and there so he COULD have a chance to be with other people. I wasn’t trying to spoil his fun or be monopolizing him the entire time. He still sought me out and wanted a lot of sex with me, so that made me feel good. I walked by him having sex with some of the other people and it really didn’t bug me in the least. I didn’t have any desire to join in or anything and once a husband beckoned me to come over but I shook my head no because I didn’t want to fuck HIM.

Not that the guys there were bad or anything. Actually a couple of the white guys might have been fuckable. I didn’t go there this time but no saying if I would or wouldn’t sometime in the future. It was nice to see some white guys who were not just sitting there being cuckholds and were actually getting it in at a party like this though. I think my viewpoint is a little tainted with seeing a lot of that lately.

The single black men that were there (this was an “interracial party”, in case that wasn’t clear) were not ones I was personally interested in fucking (I might have gone there with the young guy who left early, but the age thing does get to me) but they were fun to talk to. The Cohort was kind of surprised, and like, but so and so has a big dick. I’m like yeah, but I’m more about the person first and the dick second.

I’m trying not to fuck guys I’m not really feeling. I guess I’m probably even more like that when there is someone I really DO like there. Like, is it worth it when there is a chance it could upset him and I’m not really that into this guy? Nahhh… Now if Mr. Firm had showed up…I would have fucked him. He wasn’t able to come because he was coaching a kids game. Damn shame… πŸ˜‰ Maybe next time. πŸ™‚

Anyhow, I’m still a bit confused with the Cohort. I really, really do like him. I kind of wish he’d never opened that can of worms because it makes me feel like I am missing something. For now though, I’m just going to try and enjoy what we have going and not think too heavily about it.

Red flags and other tidbits

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I just got back from dinner with the man I recently referred to as Mr. Shady. It ended because his girlfriend called, angry, and he had to take me home, in order to go argue with her. Nice. LOL I’m just glad I didn’t go back to his house first and end up with a surprise visit!

This is the guy I went to an art walk with once, and saw one other time. I’m not that physically attracted to him and I didn’t want to kiss him. I discovered WHY later, when I saw a can of Skoal on his coffee table and asked about it. Yuck!

Anyway, I called him “shady” because he is just that. The things he tells me are sometimes crazy off the wall. The more I hear, the more I wonder about him overall.

I mean sometimes its little things, like the way he told me he was “forging papers” at work like it was nothing, or the fact that he claims to have “stolen” the cable in his apartment. Other times its his “jokes” about how he only has 4 kids that he “knows of” or about how he wants to eat cake batter out of my pussy (what?). Even tonight at dinner, he was pretending he was going to pocket the silverware from the restaurant. Who does that, when they are almost 40? SMFH…

Then there was the story he told me, about some escort he knows, who supposedly got tied up, dunked in a toilet and anal raped, then severely beat up, by a famous football player (he didn’t give names). Later he mentioned wanting to tie ME up. I wasn’t feeling that, for some reason, after the horror story.

He asked me the other day if I wanted to be in a relationship with him and I told him no, I’m not ready to be tied down. He said he wouldn’t mind if I fucked other people, that he has dated escorts and strippers and it doesn’t bother him at all. Still, I wasn’t interested.

I’m really not all that interested in him at all, so why am I even talking to him? I don’t know…I guess its because he’s really incredibly good at going down on me and wasn’t too bad in bed either. There were things I liked and he is at the least, entertaining. He’s persistent too, and flatters me a lot.

After tonight though, I just don’t know. He told me a story about how his ex wife tried to run him over with a car. He said he jumped on the hood and she drove for a minute then slammed on the brakes, throwing him. He showed me the scar on the back of his head where he says it was split open. According to him, she then started yelling at him that she wished they had never had a baby together, because now her child was “half ni**er”. Its hard for me to picture someone actually saying that but he claims that is why he then punched her and broke her nose. He said he knows he was wrong but that he lost it and had to pay her thousands in damages as well as go to domestic violence counseling.

Wow. What do you say to that? IDK. It’s made me even more leery to be spending time with him, even if it’s just for sex. Not sure what I am going to do now. He wants to meet with me in a couple of days. What with the crazy stories and the current angry girlfriend though… yeah, this could be bad news. Did I mention we drove past a lake and he made some comment about how he had heard it was full of dead bodies? Uhhh.. really?

I’m not even sure how I am going to end things. This guy calls a lot on the phone and he even knows where I live. I suppose I could block him and just stop answering calls and texts. I may have to do that.

Okay, enough about him. Lets get to some of my better stories, like the one about the Cohort meeting someone I’ve had sex with, at a gangbang party on the lake.

Let me just say first, that I am genuinely liking the Cohort quite a bit. He has a great personality and is a lot of fun. I’m also working for HIM too now, in addition to the Married Man. He’s got a little Ebay store, besides his regular job, that he has me helping with.

I’m actually enjoying it. He’s a bit of a perfectionist, but so am I, and we seem to be working well together. He likes my input and ideas and thinks I can actually help him make quite a bit more money, plus its beneficial to me and pays more than what I am doing for the Married Man. Not quitting on him yet though. πŸ˜‰

Actually, since I’ve been working for the Married Man, I’ve discovered I like him more than I thought I would as a person. He’s actually kinda sweet, though when he last came over to deliver a paycheck, he looked like he wanted to eat me for breakfast! πŸ˜‰ We haven’t been able to have sex since the kitchen table incident, but I am sure we will soon. Its definitely not for lack of desire.

For awhile, he was texting me, like clockwork, around midnight every night. I think the fantasy was there, but something was holding it back from actually turning into a booty call.

The Cohort seems to like me a fair amount too. Like, the other day, he was at a strip club and texting me how he wished it was me there, riding him. I was like, I cannot believe this guy is texting me while he is getting a lap dance! LOL THEN, he texts me while he is at a gangbang!

He said he and one of the other guys were talking, and my name came up. Turns out it was another one of my playmates. I’m like oh crap, which one is he talking about??

At first, I thought maybe it was Mr. Firm. I know he knows this couple and that wouldn’t bother me so much. But then I was thinking, it could be any number of guys. I knew it wasn’t the Host (even though I’ve seen him fucking this woman before) because the Cohort saw him at the party we attended together, and he didn’t know this guy’s name.

As a quick aside, the Host and I had a little booty call the other day and I made him cum from a blow job, he says for the first time in his life. So, I did it again a few minutes later ;). I also questioned him a bit more on his behavior towards me at that party and he again said I was ignoring him. He said he talked to the Cohort in the bathroom, and from what he was telling me it made it sound like he (Mr Host) was being a bit of a jerk. Sigh.

He claims the Cohort told him he’d “heard about him” and that he thought it was something bad. Come on! All he knew, was that virtually everyone at the party that I knew, mentioned that they had met me, at the Host’s house. The way he made it sound, was like the Cohort said that to him, and he blew him off and walked away. How rude. Ugh.

Okay, so back to this gangbang. They are gangbanging some woman and somehow my name came up (???) He said the guy was military. Well that narrows it down…. a little…

Finally I got a name. Yep. It was Mr. Military himself. Oh Lord. I’ve been trying to avoid him. I thought moving away would be good enough but he’s actually contacted me several times since then, wanting to come by and visit and saying he misses me, that I always made him feel great and he loved my smile. He even referred to me once as “innocent” (wth?)

I had felt kind of bad putting him off, but apparently his little talk with the Cohort was enough to stop all communication. I haven’t heard from him since. The Cohort says he wasn’t trying to “stake his claim” or anything, but that he let everyone know, in no uncertain terms, that we had been hanging out and that there would be more to come in the future. Hmmmm….

I’m actually glad and the Cohort really doesn’t appear to be the jealous type or anything. I think he just means we are going to continue to see each other, which is totally cool with me. He knows I fuck different guys, like my other boss, and Mr. Poly, though he doesn’t know about allll of them.

Speaking of Mr. Poly…wow, if I’ve ever had a real Sugar Daddy, this might be it, haha. Or at least close to it! He’s currently having the a/c in my van looked at and possibly even paying to fix it (we will see). Meanwhile, I get to drive his SUV!!

He’s also paying for his girlfriend and I to take pole dance classes together. I’ve been wanting to join this gym up here since I moved here and just didn’t have the money. When I mentioned it he was eager to pay for us both to get started. They also have stuff like Zumba and what they call “Urban Yoga” which I guess is like yoga moves to less relaxing music (50 Cent? LOL I guess I’ll find out).

On top of that, he went out the next day and bought a pole!! He had it set up in an empty room at the girlfriend’s house (that he owns). Then he had his people (I guess they are maintenance people, that’s what he calls them) paint the room and add disco lights to the ceilings and wire speakers into it as well. Now we have a fun place to practice and I’m sure he will want a private dance. He’s gonna put a couch in there too! Woohoo!!

I still don’t really know what this guy does for a living. He did say he was actually going to BUY one of the clubs that we went to a couple of weeks ago, but they wouldn’t sell it, and he is supposedly buying the auto shop where my van is getting looked at too. He says he has a couple of limos. He’s got people working to install internet in places and also works with the electric companies and casinos. That and he carries a gun with him all the time, supposedly because of some of the areas he has to work in. Who knows? I’m just happy to be getting the little side “benefits” lol.

The girlfriend seems to be warming up to me. I’ve been pretty nice to HER and I think she wants someone to hang out with. Still, I don’t think either of us is interested in fucking the other. Mr. Poly is nice and not bad looking, but I’m not probably as interested in him as he is in me either. The sex isn’t BAD or anything but its mediocre. Still, its all a fun diversion, and like I’ve said before, having a Sugar Daddy has always been a bit of a fantasy scenario.

So folks, thats a wrap for tonight. Hope all is well with all of you!!

It’s raining men! :D

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Wow, so much going on lately it is getting hard to keep up with my blog! Nevertheless, I am determined to keep you all up to date. Life in Lovergirl Land has been pretty interesting.

I’ll start with my latest adventures with the Cohort. He has been a lot of fun to hang out with. This guy keeps me laughing and laughing when I am with him. Last night we went out to a couple of vanilla bars together with some of his non-lifestyle friends and had a great time, as well as a night full of good sex and conversation.

He’s very emotionally honest and tells me what he is thinking and feeling. I’m really liking that a lot. It was especially helpful when we went to our first swinger party together.

I was on my period and we decided beforehand that the most I would do, would be give blowjobs, to him or anyone else. The party was small, only about 30 people, and I didn’t end up playing with anyone other than him, but it wasn’t because of him trying to hold me back. He says he is going to try to make a point not to do that, even though sometimes he wonders how it would make him feel to watch me have sex with someone else.

At the party, there was a woman that he sometimes plays with, who is married. They started out playing with her husband around, but she has snuck over to his place to play over her lunch break and that makes him feel a little guilty. She sucked his dick at the party, as did I, but it wasn’t to completion. No one has ever made him cum with a blow job anyhow, but he says that knowing I was there and unable to play, made him feel a little awkward too.

It honestly didn’t bother ME at all and I don’t think would have if he fucked her there. Of course he had no way of knowing that for sure, but I was okay. I felt bad that I was on my period and unable to fuck him there that night, so may have even liked to see him be able to get off.

The only thing that irked me that night, was the Host. He was at the party, with another woman, and never even bothered to say hi. I only saw her from across the room, but she didn’t look all that cute or anything. He later claimed I had my back turned and he thought I was ignoring HIM. I’m not really buying that, but whatever.

Its hard to say what his actual reasons were. I guess it could have been anything, from jealousy over the Cohort, to just being an asshole. He has since texted me, and I didn’t even respond. I don’t hate him or anything but wonder if I should drop him off my list of current men.

It’s just offensive that he didn’t say hi. It’s not like the two of us don’t know each other, and I don’t think he’s embarrassed of me. I mean he had me helping him host his parties! Now I hear the Redhead is doing that instead. She’s also been super buddy-buddy with the old guy and his wife that I wasn’t wanting to fuck. Good for her, I’m just not attracted.

He still wants to fuck me, and hits me up over text, but I’m not trying to be fuck buddies with someone who doesn’t give me basic acknowledgement in public. It would be different if he were married or something, but he’s not. I don’t know. It’s still up in the air because I do like the sex and he is conveniently close, but I don’t want to have to stoop down low to do it.

Speaking of the Redhead, she told me a crazy story. This guy, who had been texting me for a little bit, and with whom she used to have a couples profile with, made threats to her, and she had to get a restraining order against him and have him thrown in jail for a short time. He’s the one that was sending me countless needy texts, that I had to ask to quit bothering me. Yay, for my stalker sense going into high gear, and Mr. Firm advising me to drop him like a hot potato! πŸ˜‰

Okay, now speaking of THIS guy (the Psycho Stalker), the Pilot and I met with HIS brother, and his brother’s wife the other day. We were thinking couple swap, but the Pilot said he didn’t want to have any expectations.

They are a cute couple, in their mid twenties, good looking and we had a good time, but nobody got naked. Well, that’s not entirely true. The Pilot and I fucked in the bathroom of their apartment and then again in the parking lot, but they didn’t join in the fun.

We spent our time playing parlour games, drinking and chatting, and once the guy offered me a molly. I declined…I’ve never done those and don’t want to. Now that I’m a mom I pretty much avoid doing any drugs and stick to a few glasses of alcohol. I’m not judging those that do and back in the day I smoked my share of pot, plus tried a few other things, just now I don’t mess with it.

After we left the guy was texting “why did you two leave, my wife and I wanted to play with you guys”. :p I wasn’t really that surprised, but it was annoying that no one made the first move. It IS kind of awkward when there are two couples, because then who is supposed to do it? If one of the men starts going after the female half of the other couple, it runs a risk of someone getting upset. So I do kind of understand. Yet, neither she nor I, is the type to get aggressive with a guy and start things off.

The Pilot was kissing on ME, pulling me onto his lap and obviously showing interest in SOMETHING going on (plus they had to know we were fucking in the bathroom) but the other guy and his wife weren’t touching each other. So that made it less likely too. Like if they had been making out as well, maybe somehow we could have gotten things going.

Mr. Firm says in those types of scenarios, he just starts getting naked, lol. He’s so awesome. πŸ™‚ I saw him the other day too and WOW!!!! THE SEX, OMFG, it is BEYOND amazing!! I don’t even know how it’s possible, but it seemed even better than before!!

He’s at that scary level, like the kind that Alexyss Tylor warns about in her Penis Power videos, that I talked about before. I’d better watch out! LOL πŸ˜‰ That man could have me acting all kinds of a fool, if he wanted to.

Even one time, during the sex, he had me bent over on my hands and knees, and was making me cum from fucking me doggystyle, as well as with his hand rubbing on my clit. I was so overloaded with pleasure, I was about to tap out, and he kinda laughed and said “you don’t even know what to do, do you?” Yeeahhh…. He knows!! πŸ˜‰

Thankfully, he seems to be a man that can be trusted with all that power. I’m so impressed with him as a person and with how he treats me, and responds to me. I haven’t got a single negative thing to say. If I’m going to lose control with anyone, I want it to be him. πŸ˜‰

Now for the Poly guy. The plot thickens. I swear he has got to be married!

He had me meet him the other day, at lunch time, so he could give me one of his employee gas cards to drive my kids to their dads house. Guess where we met? At the girlfriends place again. Only this time she wasn’t there.

I asked him about it and he said he owns 5 rental houses. She lives in one of them and he stays there “some of the time”. He said he likes his privacy so he doesn’t always.

One seemingly random thing that stands out to me about some of these men is that they all seem to have rental houses! Mr. Firm, the Pilot, the Married Man and Mr. Poly, all have rental properties. Guys that have rental properties are probably fucking like crazy. Now I have to wonder if they are all fucking IN the rental homes…. πŸ˜‰

In her house he has a playroom. Its an extra bedroom with its own lock and key (the house has 5 bedrooms). According to him they are planning on putting in cameras, so she can watch him fuck women from the other room, if she wants to, and also record if the people agree to it. They have toys and restraints and stuff in there too, he said, though I didn’t see any of it.

He said that other women have to “earn” the right to be in her bedroom with them, like I was the other night, but that he knew she liked me, so he brought me in. Uhhh..if you say so, but seriously, don’t I just feel soooo special “earning” the special right to play in their bedroom? Pssshhh…

While she is gone he has agreed only to fuck women in the playroom. They have all these “rules” and honestly to me, it is an annoyance. Maybe if he wasn’t flat out telling me, but it doesn’t make me feel all that great. Its almost like “know your place, you are just a secondary” and that is kind of offensive.

Oh, and he keeps planning these big nights out over the weekend, then cancels. Married man kind of flakiness, I’m telling you. That and he often doesn’t answer a text in the evenings but he’s hounding me during the day and spending money on me. Hmmmmm….

In any case, it left me free to have a fun night with the Cohort, followed by breakfast at the IHOP in the morning. We stayed up all night long and barely got any sleep. Good times, and he was killing me pointing out the folks who looked like they were doing the walk of shame there, haha.

Thank God I was able to get a shower in the morning. I’m exhausted though and supposed to meet with the guy who took me out to the art walk a few weeks ago. He is grilling steaks for us this afternoon. Ta- ta for now!

FMF Fail….

jealous woman

Meeting with this new guy, who calls himself “poly,” has been interesting. I finally met his “open” girlfriend, of 3 years. He asked me beforehand not to mention our little rendezvous at the casino, saying that she had been “depressed” at the time, so he didn’t think it was a good idea to tell her. Red flag? Probably, but I went along with it.

I’m thinking if there is any reason she might be bothered by this at all, then maybe it isn’t quite the scenario he made it out to be. According to him, she is perfectly fine with him fucking other women, though she chooses only to sleep with him. He said sometimes she even just likes to watch, and that she was eager to meet me.

We met at a Bob Evans for brunch. Mr. Poly and his girlfriend were already in the lobby, which was quite packed, and it looked like they may have been arguing. I was in a cute, but not especially revealing, sundress. I didn’t want to look too competitive. She was in jeans and a t-shirt, cute enough, but fairly plain looking, white, and obviously older than I am. She barely acknowledged me when I said hi, though he was friendly.

Because of the crowd, it was decided we would go elsewhere and it took driving to a couple of different places before we finally settled on an IHOP near my house. We all rode together in his SUV, with me sitting behind the two of them. They bickered a bit, like an old married couple, and I only interjected a few times, trying to be positive.

During the drive, I overheard a conversation between them that seemed to be about another woman he was seeing, someone he had mentioned to me before. Apparently, he had let her rent a house from someone he knows and she was supposed to be paying rent, but isn’t. The girlfriend was complaining about this woman calling her and that she didn’t want to be brought into whatever the issues were between the two of them. My red flag alarm sounded again.

We had a really sweet waitress but the woman seemed less than friendly towards her. She wasn’t awful or anything, just not super polite. Maybe it’s me, but I generally try to be nice to people that are serving me somewhere (and if I’m the one paying I make sure to leave a nice tip). She also cut her mouth somehow while eating her omelette and it was bleeding a bit, so that probably made her even more cranky. All in all, it wasn’t going that well.

We made small talk but it was a little awkward. The girlfriend, and Mr. Poly, are both from a richer area of the city, where they tend to be a bit snobbish. He didn’t seem bothered but she made a comment about not having ever been in this area, and seemed kinda uncomfortable with it. I really like it here. It’s pretty racially diverse and some people assume that means “ghetto,” even though it’s really not.

Anyhow, it was okay but I wasn’t thinking I would want to have sex with this woman. Nevertheless, he texted me later and told me that she liked me and thought I was sweet. Really? I couldn’t tell, but okay. Maybe she just seemed standoffish because she was nervous or something.

He really wanted us all to go out together and go dancing. He said he would be willing to pay for babysitting (and offered to pay about double the amount I said I would need) so I agreed to go out to a club. They were really talking this place up and it was funny because it is the same place the Pilot had driven me past previously and told me about.

According to the Pilot, this is sort of a “Lifestyle” club. When I mentioned it to the Cohort, he laughed and said it was an old people’s hangout. He says it’s where guys like them go to pick up easy, old, broads when they are hard up. Aha, well, at least he’s honest about it.

I met them there one evening later in the week. I couldn’t get out as early as planned, so they were drinking when I arrived. The girlfriend was a bit sloshed already. There was another guy with them, someone Mr. Poly had mentioned and his girlfriend had complained about over brunch. He’s a hard-up, recently divorced, and still depressed, friend of his. I was hoping it wasn’t a set up.

There was also a table of Mr. Poly’s work connections that he said he wasn’t expecting to see that night. I made sure to be on fairly good behavior and made a point of talking to the friend, even though there was no way in hell I would fuck him. Toward the end of the night I was actually letting Mr. Poly buy drinks for me and passing them to this guy, lol, because he said he was broke and no one ever buys drinks for him. I wasn’t trying to get trashed because I had to drive back later.

The girlfriend was a little more friendly, maybe? Not really though, she mostly was asking Mr. Poly to dance with her. He didn’t as often with me, but he did some, and told me when it was just the two of us that he had been researching me on the internet and found a wedding picture of me with my ex husband! I was kind of shocked that was even out there but found it myself later.

He commented on how good looking my ex husband was, as though he were surprised. I guess when I talk about him he doesn’t exactly sound hot, but I wasn’t attracted to him for no reason! LOL He is a nice looking guy, still, but I am not attracted to him at all whatsoever anymore. Six pack abs mean nothing when you act the way he does. At least I got some really cute kids out of the deal.

We drank and danced to some older music and I got asked to dance by some older men. Later in the night a guy showed up who was closer to my age, and visiting from out of town. He was an orthopedic surgeon and pretty cute, but short and a little too skinny for me. He looked about 21, but said he was 35.

We were standing at the bar and he was buying drinks when Mr. Poly appeared and pulled him aside. When he left, the guy told me “I just got the prom talk”. I was like WTF? He said he told him he’d better treat me well or he would be after him, or something to that effect. Um…okay. A couple minutes later the girlfriend showed up and invited us back over to the table with them.

The surgeon was like “looks like Mommy and Daddy don’t want you back here with me” and laughed, but we went over and they acted friendly. The girlfriend, probably at the suggestion of Mr. Poly, asked the surgeon to dance, but he later came back to me again. Meanwhile Mr. Poly said something about how I am “in the circle now” and that they would “take care of me” and make sure I am safe. Circle?

Okay, whatever. When I was dancing with the surgeon again, he was fingering me under my dress. We moved to the bar for more of the same and he unbuttoned his pants to slip my hand inside. He was like “I feel like we are in Mommy and Daddy’s basement all over again”.

Mr. Poly and the girlfriend decided it was time to leave and asked me if I was coming with them or the other guy. I didn’t want to be rude, and since he was paying my babysitting, of course I went back with them. He encouraged the surgeon to give me his number though and the guy texted to try to get me to come back to his hotel room. I never made it and he was heading back out of town the next morning. He did call later and say he will contact me if he comes back this way, maybe in a couple of months.

Mr. Poly said he was kind of surprised, but very pleased, that I had chosen to go back with the two of them. He thought I might leave for a younger guy, and was impressed that the man was a surgeon. He said “you did good”.

I rode with them back to a big, expensive looking, house, which turned out to be hers. When I asked him if it was his house he said “kinda” which left me wondering, but she told me inside that it belongs to her. Hmmmm…. On Mother’s Day, he said something about his kids coming home for the holiday, which left me wondering if he is actually lying about being divorced.

Anyhow, we went up to her bedroom. She seemed tired, drunk and grouchy and turned off the lights, then climbed under the blankets, covering her head. He kissed and made out with me a bit in the big master bathroom, in front of the mirror, while sliding off my dress and bra. Once I was standing there in just my thong panties, he beckoned me back to the bed.

He told me to get under the covers and was trying to get her to come out. She was behaving like a wife with a headache. So he slipped on a condom and started fucking me. It was okay, but awkward and uncomfortable, not knowing how she was going to react. I tried to pretend she wasn’t there.

After a bit, he pulled out and tried to coax her into fucking him again. She said something that sounded like she was accusing him of not wearing a condom with me and he argued that yes he did. She finally acquiesced, riding him, while he pulled me up close, playing with my nipple while his arm was around my shoulders. It felt weird.

At some point he slipped on another condom and wanted me to take a turn riding him. Then he pulled her onto his face, so the two of us were bumping boobs. It still felt awkward and she and I were kinda laughing. She got off after a bit and complained of being “tired” so he left her alone and wanted me to suck his dick.

He straddled my face for a little before he turned me around and did me doggystyle. We stopped after a little while and I’m pretty sure none of us got to cum. She still seemed annoyed and irritated and didn’t want to come along when he took me home, though she did hug me goodbye. She was just acting pissed at HIM and refused his overtures.

Ugh. I was hoping he and I could at least finish in the car. He made some jokes about doing that on the way back to my vehicle, but didn’t actually follow through. Ah well…. so much for that!

She texted the next morning and apologized, saying she was drunk and that he had told her she was being mean. She said she hopes we can be friends. I’m not so sure she really meant it.

Meanwhile, he obviously still likes me a lot. He has been contacting me frequently and wanting to talk, offering to do things for me, and saying he wants to see me again. There goes my second experience with FMF…. not much better than the first, lol. I’m thinking you need to have two women who are into it and into each other, as well as don’t feel threatened or jealous, and that just hasn’t happened with me yet.

Getting a little risque ;)

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This has been quite a week for me, sexually. I usually don’t have the time to have sex as often as I would like, but I got kinda lucky with free babysitting (yay for family!) and I kind of went to town.

I’ve also agreed to do some telephone work for the Married Man’s business, from home, so of course I needed to meet with him first. You know, to do “business”. πŸ˜‰

I started off Sunday with a date and sex with a new guy that I have told you all about already. He’s the one who knows my friend. Since we are both being sneaky with our down low behaviors, I’ll refer to him as “The Cohort”.

Tuesday was my first trip to a casino. The casino itself, well, let’s be real, I thought it was pretty boring. How on earth do people get addicted to this? Granted, we only played the slot machines, but sheesh. All you do is sit there and push a button or pull a lever and the cash you are using just disappears, or you get a slip of paper with an amount on it. I won some, but lost more, and eventually stopped, after blowing about $100 of this guy’s money. He was cool with that.

He had gotten a room at the casino hotel and went in ahead of time, to get it all set up, with candles and wine glasses. Unfortunately, he was having some trouble with opening the cork on the wine bottle and it was pissing him off, lol. We ended up drinking vodka and red bull.

Then we fucked on the bed. He wanted to talk a lot before, and after, and says he wants to know everything there is about me. He wore a condom, and the sex was pretty good, but didn’t last long, maybe 5-10 minutes. He didn’t go down on me and I didn’t give him a blowjob.

According to him, he has been seeing this woman that he is in a poly relationship with, for 3 years. He calls himself an “alpha male” and said that she doesn’t fuck any other men but sometimes likes to just watch him with women, or participate. We will refer to him as “Mr. Poly”, even though it’s debatable if it’s really “poly” when it’s one sided like that.

I’m supposed to meet her (and him) for brunch tomorrow. We will see how that goes! It’s kind of interesting anyhow.

Wednesday, I spent with The Cohort again, at his house, fucking for a good couple of hours. It was pretty darn good, even better than the last time. According to him, he is a person that likes to fuck the same woman over and over again, because he says it keeps getting better. He wants to see me regularly. So far he is easy to get along with and talk to, so it sounds like fun.

I got back pretty late. My baby brother had stopped by late in the evening because he was in town and I left him with the kids while I took off. So the next morning I was TIRED, lol, but it didn’t stop me for going to talk with my new “boss”. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰

I was supposed to meet with the Married Man, Thursday morning, at his house, to pick up some paperwork, so I can get started doing my “job”. Of course, I knew it would be more than that. πŸ˜‰

He lives in a big, 3200 square foot, historical home, deep in the city. His house is very nice and the decor was quite “artsy”, almost like being in a museum or gallery, with antiques and other interesting stuff to look at. Some of the surrounding neighborhood is kind of iffy though. It’s a mix of renovated homes like his, and not-so-renovated, falling apart, ghetto looking places. There was graffiti all over the stop signs around his house and shady looking apartments nearby. I noticed the security system while I was sitting on the couch and saw what may have been a camera, in the corner of the ceiling.

He had a pit bull puppy sitting in a crate by the front door, but it didn’t bark when I entered. I sat on the couch and looked around while he went upstairs to get a file folder for me. I wondered where his wife was. I have no idea what she does for a living but I am assuming she works outside the home.

After explaining what I would need to do and handing me a couple of papers to take home, he suddenly pulled me up off the couch for a kiss. Almost as quickly, and quite roughly, he turned me around, shoved me onto my knees and pulled out his cock for me to suck. Then he practically threw me, face forward, onto the couch, and yanked down my pants and panties, entering me from behind. He was fucking me fast and furiously, I could barely grab a hold of the back of the leather couch to keep from falling over.

A few minutes later, he nearly knocked me down on my back, pushing my legs up over my head, my pants still only halfway down. He saw the fear on my face and promised not to tear my pants, lol, ripping one leg off while the other was still flailing about, as he kept going hard.

Eventually we did get them all the way off, as well as my boots, blouse and bra, but it took awhile, lol. He would slow down and talk to me occassionally, asking questions like whether or not I would fuck his wife? I was like um, yeah, probably and he asked if I had seen her. When he and I were Facebook friends I had seen her pic, so I said yes. He laughed and said “yeah, she would KILL me!”

He was like “have you ever fucked a married man at his house before?” and I said no. He later told me he had never fucked anyone like that at HIS house either, I guess implying he’s fucked married women in THEIR homes. A couple of times he told me “you know we can’t be doing this right, now that you work for me?” Yeah sure, lmao. πŸ˜‰ Then he asked me if he was bigger than “all those white guys” I have been fucking. I was thinking, what white guys??? LOL But I played along. πŸ˜‰

At one point there was a sound at the front door and I startled, but it was only the dog, moving around in it’s crate. He said where we needed to worry about was the back door, where their driveway is. Another time, he had jumped up to look out the back window, lifting the blinds. Then he told me to come over that way, setting me up on his kitchen table to fuck right in front of the open window!

He was still being pretty aggressive at that point, then pulled out and got down to eat my pussy while I was naked on his kitchen table, in front of the window. He came back up and slowly thrust inside me for a minute, looking me in the eyes, before picking me up off the table, setting me down in front of him and grabbing my hair, pushing my head up onto his dick as he came in my mouth. I swallowed every last drop. πŸ˜‰

The funny thing is, I never came. It was hot but I think I was too alert and on edge to relax enough to do that. As we were looking around for bits of my clothing and my missing panties (which we finally found under the couch), I warned him to make sure there weren’t any strands of my hair laying about. His wife is black and I have long hair with streaks of blonde in it. I think it would be pretty obvious, eek! He saw me off and kissed me goodbye. We will see if that happens again…

Friday night I went out with another new guy. He took me to the art walk downtown and we had a good time even though I wasn’t feeling that attracted to him. We met on Craigslist and he had referred to himself as “well above average looking”. Um…no. :p

I almost backed out of fucking him. I just wasn’t feeling him and didn’t really want him to kiss me. I insisted on a condom and he didn’t have one so he had to run to the gas station. Beforehand, he had me suck him off and tried to cum in my mouth but I kind of spit it out. It was very fast, and while he was gone I debated just ditching, but decided to stay.

I’m kind of glad I did because he was actually pretty good in the sack. He was ESPECIALLY good at going down on me and made me cum a few different times like that. He was quite dominant as well and the sex wasn’t half bad. I’m not sure at this point about the future. He clearly wants to see me again.

He does have an on again/off again girlfriend who he says never wants to fuck. According to him though, he is fucking 4 different married women on the side and also suggested that we get together with one of his male friends for a threesome because they like to sometimes “go half” on women.

I don’t know though, I guess I will see. I’m iffy on this one. In any case, whew! Wonder what next week will look like?? I’m honestly having kind of a hard time keeping up with all the guys that want to see me right now. Maybe its a good thing that my phone still isn’t getting all my texts, it helps keep things at bay. :p

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