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Cause I love you all ;)

Some love songs for you lovers out there! 😉 Hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day!! 🙂

Isley Brothers-For the Love of You
Atlantic Starr- Always
J Holiday- Forever Ain’t Enough
Joe- No One Else Comes Close
K-Ci and JoJo- All My Life
Anthony Hamilton- Charlene
Kenny Loggins ft. Jim Messina- Danny’s Song
Musiq Soulchild- Dontchange
Ginuwine- Differences
Jon B. ft Babyface Someone to Love
Al Green- Let’s Stay Together
Teddy Pendergrass- Love TKO
Chi Lites- Oh Girl
The Dells- The Love We Had Stays on My Mind
The Jeff Healey Band- Angel Eyes
Bette Midler- The Rose
Ann Reno and Mike Wilson- Almost Paradise
R. Kelly- When a Woman Loves
Bon Jovi- I’ll Be There For You
Aerosmith- Angel
Jackson 5- I’ll Be There
Eric Clapton- Wonderful Tonight
Keith Sweat- I’ll Give All My Love to You
Aaron Neville- Crazy Love
Lionel Richie- My Love
The Deele- Two Occasions
Ready for the World- Love You Down
Luther Vandross- If Only For One Night
Rod Stewart- You’re in My Heart
Percy Sledge- When a Man Loves a Woman
Lupe Fiasco ft Ed Sheeran- Old School Love

The Producer

recording-studio-1

Last night I had sex with a man who was a Grammy Award winning producer.  He even showed me a Wikipedia article with his name in it. I double checked on Facebook and sure enough the name and picture matched.  I later talked with a male friend who lives in his city and he knows who this guy is. Kinda cool, I guess.  If you live in the U.S., I can guarantee you’ve heard the names of some of the artists he’s worked with, mostly rappers, but even some country music.

He’s not currently as involved in the music industry as he used to be.  According to him, his Brazilian ex- wife was extremely insecure and he moved away from all that to appease her.  Now he does some kind of marketing, which causes him to travel to a city about an hour and a half south of where I live for a few days each week.  On the weekends he is back up to a big city a few hours in the other direction, where he is from. 

In any case, I was actually kind of putting this guy off at first.  We met on Craigslist, of all places, lol and I was busy with plans with the Pilot and not all that excited about him.  I had responded to his ad and he seemed cool enough but some of his comments made me unsure. 

The main reason I responded was because of his description of sex which sounded hot and like he’d be really dominant in bed.  I made a mistake in thinking his ad had been placed in the casual encounters section when it was actually just the men for women.  During our first few conversations he brings up that he is looking for something more serious and I was like WTF?  Haha 

Thinking it was all about casual sex, I was surprised that he was asking me all kinds of questions about myself, like he was sizing me up for the long haul.  He made some comments that sounded a tad judgmental, like about not wanting to share his woman with anyone else and not risking his “dick falling off”.  Then he goes on to tell me how he did also have a casual ad placed, one where he was hooking up occasionally with couples, having sex with the wife.  Can we say “Madonna/whore”?

Add that he kept talking about how none of the women around here seemed to be able to suck his dick well enough, that they scraped with their teeth and didn’t have “good pussy” and I was put off enough not to consider him for a while.  Like, he’s criticizing THEM, what is he going to say about me??  I asked what “good pussy” entailed to him and he said having control of their muscles and knowing what to do with a dick.  Not very helpful. 

He went on to reminisce about how his ex-wife used to wake him up every morning with a blow job and how he missed that.  No one had been able to suck him to completion in a long time.  I’m thinking do I really even want to attempt this?  He sounds awfully critical.  Also, maybe not quite over the ex.

So after having made tentative plans with him, I cancelled and decided to wait for sex till I saw the Pilot over the weekend.  He knew I was going to see another man and asked some questions, acting a tad jealous.  I mentioned that we were swinging and let him know I was really looking for more casual sex right now.  Suddenly he was on board for that. :p

Anyhow, he was persistent.  He wished me a good time when I took off to see the Pilot and left me alone for a bit then reinitiated contact.  Finally, last night he invited me for dinner.  He said even if we didn’t hit it off in person, he’d be happy to buy me a nice meal and leave it at that. 

By now I was kind of horny again (it had been a few days since my rendezvous with the Pilot) and thinking that it was probably a good idea not to get too hung up on him.  I mean, I’m liking Mr. Pilot an awful lot and don’t want to get too attached.  For now, I’m NOT but I can see getting to that point if I don’t make an effort to fuck around.  Anyhow, I finally agreed.

The Pilot and I still text from time to time but it’s not constant and doesn’t have that “in a relationship” feel.  We have kind of checked in with each other each day but I’m still thinking more FWB.  At this point I am actually happy that we both have the freedom to do what we want without telling each other about it.  Having to report all my activities to the Professor caused some pressure and undue drama. 

The Pilot texted me when he got off work and we were talking about getting together again and having someone else take pictures. I sent him a few shots of the video screen that I took (like the one I posted yesterday 😉 ) and he wanted to post them to his swinger profile.  We flirted and chatted a bit and it dropped off shortly before my date, which worked out perfectly.  I would have felt guilty if he was still texting me, though there is really no need for it.

  I looked at his profile later (the pics are in a section where you can only see them if you are a paid member and he gives permission so I couldn’t see them anyway, lol) and saw that he was signed up to go to some swinger karaoke night last night too.  He may have but it doesn’t really matter to me, good for him because I was getting mine, lol.  I know he signs up for stuff he doesn’t go to sometimes too but in all honesty it doesn’t bother me a bit.

Speaking of the pics, I considered adding some to MY profile as well but decided that for the time being it would be best not to.  I know the Professor still looks at it sometimes and I’m not trying to rub it in.  Not that he hasn’t hurt me pretty badly, but I wouldn’t want him to do that to ME….so, not for now.

So anyhow, the Producer asked me to pick an “interesting” restaurant that was near me and had high quality food, so I picked a nice and fairly expensive, non-chain place that I have only been to once or twice before.  We ordered fruity Martinis and he got an expensive steak while I ordered a mid-priced pasta with bacon wrapped scallops and some sort of mushroom sauce.  It was very good. 

The conversation was alright.  Mediocre and a tad superficial but interesting enough.  He likes to name drop and I guess that goes with an industry such as the one he is involved in.  I really don’t follow a lot of popular culture so it’s just like yeah, whatever, lol. 

Afterwards he asked if I was wanting to continue on to a hotel and I said yes.  Hell, why not?  He said I know the area better so I picked the closest decent hotel which was a La Quinta.  It was actually nicer than some of the others I have been inside.  He got a suite with a hot tub and king bed.

When we arrived we talked for a few minutes and he said maybe we could relax in the hot tub.  He turned it on and got it going, expecting me to get undressed, so I stripped down to my bra and panties.  He was like “you are gonna have to get all the way undressed eventually” and had me lay on the bed while he pulled off my panties and went down on me.  It felt pretty good and he was fingering me a bit too.

Then he wanted a blow job.  I gave him one that lasted all of a couple of minutes before he exploded all over the place and on my mouth.  I don’t mind swallowing cum when I really like a guy but am not so much into it when I’m not and this guy hadn’t even kissed me.  He never did but I really didn’t want him to anyway, lol.  Kissing and swallowing cum are more intimate to me I guess. I swallowed the Prof’s cum a lot but I had feelings for him.

So much for it being a challenge to get him to cum with a bj.  He kept apologizing and saying he wasn’t expecting that, that it had been a long time since anyone had been able to make them cum with their mouth and he was surprised.  So we cleaned up a bit and decided to get in the hot tub.

We sat in there and chatted for a while.  He kept saying he’d really like to continue to see each other as friends and have a FWB situation.  I was still wondering if he was ever going to fuck me.  He asked what I thought of his cock.  Of course I was complimentary, lol.  It’s pretty thick but average length, maybe 6 inches.  He wouldn’t say how long it is, not that it really matters, haha.

He talked about how he wanted to take me places, like maybe concerts or amusement parks and just have fun together sometimes.  He said maybe I could visit his city.  I was still waiting to see if he’d recuperate enough for sex. 

 He said we could try and keep emotions out of it, that he’d had an issue a few months back where he was more emotionally involved than the woman and ended up getting hurt, even though it was originally his idea. We discussed that he’s never had kids and I told him I’m not on birth control.  He said he’d use a condom. 

Anyhow, we finally got out of the tub and he went down on me some more.  This time it was for much longer and much better.  I came and he said he loves eating pussy.  He put on the condom, complaining that it wasn’t a Magnum and he hoped it would work.  He wanted me to climb on and ride him but he went soft.  He blamed the condom and pulled it off, asking me to make him hard again.  So I blew him a few seconds longer, he got hard and turned around and went in without a condom!  I wasn’t expecting that but didn’t try to stop it at that point.

It felt pretty good and we soon got moved around into doggystyle where he pounded it really hard from the back.  At one point he slowed down and I was absolutely sopping wet and worried that he may have cum.  I don’t think so though because shortly after we stopped but he wanted sucked some more.  He again came on my mouth, trying to get me to swallow it but I kind of diverted it all. 

Anyhow, he kept saying he really wants to continue this so I don’t know.  It wasn’t FABULOUS but I did cum a couple of times and it could be alright for times when I’m not seeing someone else.  Guess Mr. Producer could be an occasional sidepiece, lol. I’d want to really push the condom issue though. He asked how often I slept with guys without a condom and I admitted to doing so without this weekend. He claims normally he wears one.  He texted me later that he had had a good time but haven’t heard from him since then, which is fine.  Don’t care to talk with him too much, so that works.

I had some mild guilt about the Pilot but it’s silly because he and I don’t have any kind of commitment thing going on.  I guess when I really like someone my natural inclination is to want to start shutting other men out. That would be stupid though because at this point it’s just a FWB thing and me doing that would cause me to get more emotional/jealous.  I really NEED to keep fucking other guys to keep my head on straight.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it… 😉

Mmmmm…. my pleasure ;)

sensual-blogging-award

It feels soooo GOOD to be given the Sensual Blogger award! Thank you Ankoku1331 over at Speaking out on Nate for another stroke to my ego! My fellow bloggers do me so well. 😉

Like the other awards I’ve been nominated for, this one has directions. Being the submissive girl that I am I am going to follow them. Here is what I’ve been told to do.

1. Thank the blogger who nominated AWARDED you with a link back to their blog.

2. Copy and paste this fine award on your blog.

3. Answer 7 “sensual” questions posed by the blogger who awarded you this fine award.

4. Create or borrow 7 “sensual” questions for the bloggers you award this fine award to to answer.

5. Select 7 “sensual” bloggers to award this fine award to.

My answers to the 7 sensual questions:

1. Someone is attempting to seduce you over dinner, what is the dinner?

Hmmm… maybe a nice Italian meal, pasta that includes artichokes, capers, and mushrooms in a light creamy sauce and a glass of white wine.

2. Which song or songs get/put you in a sensual-sexual mood?

Oh wow. I could go on all day on this one. I even wrote a post awhile back with links. Feel Like Makin Love. That’s really only the beginning though.

3. Everyone has a scent that takes them back to a fond moment, what is your scent and the moment?

Well, considering right now I’m still missing the Professor something fierce, I’m going to say the cologne he wears, Obsession for Men. I love the way he smells.

4. A sensuous-sexual activity that you want more of? (backrubs, kissing, etc.)

I want a massage!! Seems like every time a guy offers one it’s just a trap, intended to get you in bed that they never follow through on. The Jamaican guy I met with the other day had on his profile that he loves giving a woman a nice massage and is really good at it. So when we were together in the hotel room I asked him if that meant he was going to give me one, in a kind of teasing manner and he laughed and said that was just something random he put on there. Wtf?? LOL Where is my damn massage?

Haha He’s not the first to do that either! One guy I met off the swinger site, the one that drove 4 hours to meet me back in like August or September, he had promised a massage to me over email and it never came to pass. Booo! The Professor did sometimes massage my shoulders for me though, and he didn’t have to be asked. Waah!! 😦  I am so heartsick lately. 😦

5. A sexual fantasy that you have not indulged, but would if the situation was “perfect” for you (no guilt, travel taken care of, etc.)

I want to have sex on the beach, on a blanket, out in the open, on a vast stretch of empty beach like they had on the North Shore of Hawaii when I was younger and living there. I’d prefer broad daylight and warm sun. There would HAVE to be a big blanket involved though because we all know sand in the ass is a bad idea. Barring that I’d like to do it out in a big open field (on a blanket, never without the big blanket, lol) during the day. The grass would have to be short too, I am practical, haha.

6. A favorite gift given to you by a partner or lover?

I have to think about this because unfortunately most of my partners and lovers didn’t buy me jack. (Damn them to hell and back) haha. I do like the hoodie that the Professor bought me. It’s one of those “useful” gifts but the thing I like most is that he randomly bought it because he was thinking about me and not for any special occasion.

7. One piece of sensuous advice that you would give to anyone?

Pay attention to your partner’s entire body, not just their known erogenous zones. Every inch of their body is worth touching, licking, exploring. Don’t neglect the inner thighs and do lots of teasing.

8. Bonus Question: I am in the mood to read a single paragraph of erotica: What can you create with the following prompts: An apple orchard, a robot with a limp, sunset, and at least one famous person (alive or dead)?

You just had to throw in a fucking “robot with a limp” didn’t you?? lol. A single paragraph? Sheesh. I’m not sure I can make this “sensual”. Kinky maybe? Lmao

Okay here you go and we will say my famous person is Adriana Lima.

Glancing sheepishly around the empty apple orchard, and noticing the sun start to set in the distance, Adriana had a very naughty thought pass through her mind. She glanced down at the robot she’d been trying to fix, his broken leg lying in the grass beside her. What if she put this limping robot to a different kind of use? His extra leg, with the round smooth knob at the end, would fit just perfectly in that hole in the middle and the button on his side was making him vibrate like crazy….

And now for my most awesome list:

7 Sensual Bloggers

1. Betty Homebanger
2. Indiscretions
3. Being Her (the other woman)
4. Dollydrop blog
5. My Sex Life with Lola
6. Risque Divorcee
7. The Wistful Sinner

Don’t think I am done yet! You all have some questions to answer, so get busy!! 😉

1. What is your favorite way to masturbate?

2. What’s one of your naughty little masturbation fantasies?

3. Do you read any kind of erotica or watch porn? What’s one of your favorite kinds?

4. What’s something you like to do in the bedroom that you think might be unique or a special talent?

5. What is your favorite thing to have done to you in bed?

6. What is your ultimate fantasy place to have sex?

7. What’s the most interesting place you’ve already tried it?

And since I had to do it, now here is your bonus. Write a paragraph of erotica involving the following prompts: A thunderstorm, a locked door, a barking dog and an angry neighbor.

How he got in, breaking down the door

breakingdowndoor

I don’t know if any of you all watch Wife Swap on tv, but I saw an interesting episode the other day when I was visiting the Professor. I normally don’t watch much in the way of television, so I don’t follow the show, but he was finishing up his shower (I got there early) and it happened to be on.

In any case, there was a polyamorous family involved, as well as an ultra –religious, conservative, couple, so it caught my eye. I cannot tell you how much the right wing, conservative, politician guy reminded me of my ex -husband. Not in looks, (this guy had crazy hair and my ex was actually a pretty good looking fellow) but his behavior.

The polyamorous wife who was staying at his house as part of the swap seemed mostly sweet and easygoing. Her only request was that they not discuss religion or politics, but dude would not stop trying to shove the “gospel” (according to his interpretation) and his political beliefs upon her, despite her setting up a jar and insisting the family members put money inside every time those topics were brought up. The money would go to benefit some kind of gay and lesbian organization. At one point he even put in a $250 check, just to “buy” the chance to spout scriptures from Leviticus putting down her lifestyle and letting her know he thought she was hellbound. Eventually she ended up in tears, unable to respond or know what to say to these accusations or how to react to his attitude of superiority. The kids watched on in seeming agreement, obviously having been taught that their father’s way was the only one as well.

Watching that brought back a lot of memories of my marriage. It brought back the feeling of what it was like to try and discuss something rationally with my ex only to be shot down constantly by his superior attitude regarding Biblical knowledge and politics. Those were also his two favorite subjects (and he has degrees in both). In fact, no matter what I tried to talk about, he virtually always brought it back around to religion or politics in a very insistent way that only HE could be right and that nothing I had to say was in any way relevant or worth considering. This was the one area in life where he was definitely NOT passive. He could out argue and out debate and out-shout anyone for hours when it came to discussing his conservative viewpoints or interpretation of the Bible.

So while outwardly my ex- husband was passive natured, when it came to religion he was convinced that not only was he right but he was called and ordained of God to teach this stuff to others. I knew exactly WHY this conservative couple decided to be on Wife Swap (though they ended up bailing and declining to finish the show). They felt it was their God given DUTY to preach the word to anyone and everyone they could. There was no way Mr. Politician Husband was gonna shut up about this, money in the jar or not because that was his SOLE reason for being there, on TV, where they could get their message out, not only to this woman, but to anyone who was watching.

I am quite familiar with this mindset, because I lived it, daily, for almost 15 years. During our courtship I pretty much became my ex- husband’s pet project, a person he could convert and change into what he thought I should become, which was absolutely nothing close to what I WAS at the time. Don’t think I went in without a fight either! When we met I was quite liberal and my religious beliefs were far from Biblical.

In a way, it was sort of like a war. We debated a lot of topics and went head to head on things because I vehemently disagreed with his worldview and mindset. Yet, eventually I relented and gave in. He won. Why?

I can only say now, looking back, that I believe it was because he began hitting me where it hurt (verbally, not physically). He started to tear me down as a person, my life up until I had met him, my beliefs, just me. Telling me how wrong everything about me and my family was in the eyes of God and how shameful I was. He found my insecurities and doubts, the personal things I’d revealed, and used them to make me feel bad about myself. While to me these debates were originally just interesting discussions, to him they were for a purpose. In his view, a “higher” purpose.

I think he felt like he was “saving” me. Saving me from myself, my “sinful” nature, and my “evil” heart, things he said everyone had, but seemed to have a way of making it appear that I was worse than most. He’d quote scriptures to me and I’d express doubt. So he insisted we read through the entire Bible together as a couple. This became how we spent our dates (hot, I know right?). He said it would “prove” the things he was saying were true. I’d never read the Bible but I was open to hearing what another person had to say, probably too open. He used those sessions to drill into me his beliefs and ideas, and what it all meant, with a very authoritarian attitude. You couldn’t question God and he’d shame me when I tried.

Eventually, my skepticism wore out. He convinced me that he loved me like no one else would, that he wanted to marry me and that he would treat me so much better than all those horrible people in my past had done. It was true that I’d come from an abusive past and had some experiences as a young person that would be considered bad by a lot of people, yet he vilified them even more. He said he didn’t want to have sex with me until we were married, out of love and respect, that he wasn’t going to be like all those other guys who were only using me and treating me badly (his interpretation of course, which confused me and led me to question any times I’d thought may have been different in the past).

Admittedly I’d never experienced anything like this and I guess I fell for it, feeling like he was doing me some sort of “favor” by being with a girl like me. After all, I already had doubts about myself and insecurities, doubts that men wanted me for anything more than “just sex” and doubts about my marriage worthiness. Heck I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to get married, but what if this really was the only man who would be willing to take me? That’s sort of how he made me feel, and honestly I think he viewed it that way. Due to my sexual past I was “damaged goods” that no one would really want. Sadly, though I hadn’t really viewed it in that light before, I started to wonder. Is this how it really was? Did guys really think like that? Was I as awful as he made me out to be? If this “nice”, “Christian” man thought of me this way wouldn’t others be even crueler?

Basically, he was following the standard abuser pattern. Setting me up to feel like he was the only person that would be “good” to me and all the other guys would treat me worse because I was such an awful person, that didn’t deserve it. Only he was using the Bible, scriptures and religion to put the fear of God into me and the fear of Hell (which of course he believed in and told me if I didn’t that was where I’d be going). I was 18 years old, with no clue about the Bible or religion and wondered if he could be right? What if he was right and I made the mistake of not listening?

Eventually, with lots of pressure from him and from his parents and also from the church we’d started attending together, I caved in and got “saved” and baptized into the denomination he’d been a part of since birth. It’s not that I don’t believe the people there had good intentions, I think many of them did, but he went above and beyond even what the church taught, believing in a very old fashioned, hardcore, Bible thumping version of it all. After we got married his views just seemed to get more and more conservative.

We couldn’t go to movie theatres. I never understood that one, or how it was “against God”, but he was adamant. There would be no drinking whatsoever, or setting foot in any kind of a bar. Even restaurants with a prominent bar were questionable. We didn’t own a tv, which was fine because I didn’t have one in my dorm or ever have time to watch it anyway. He was adamantly against anything “secular” in our home and especially music. This was one of the hardest things for me. I broke down in tears when he asked me to throw away all my music because it wasn’t glorifying to God. I didn’t want to do it and he guilt tripped me into it, reminding me over and over how if I was “really” a serious Christian I wouldn’t hold onto “things of this world”. He was like what if our future children listened to this stuff? And went on to say how upset that would make him, if one day our children found one of my beloved tapes (hey this was back in the late 90’s) and turned away from God because of it.

I finally relented. He wouldn’t even let me sell my music because he said what if someone bought it and we caused them to turn from God by listening to it? So I threw caseloads of music into the dumpster behind our apartment that I had acquired throughout the years, music of all different genres, stuff that he said was in no way “glorifying to God” due to being “secular”. Any time he caught me humming to myself in the days, months and years afterwards, he would start singing loudly, in an attempt to drown me out with praise songs and hymns. I could no longer sing unless it was worshipful to God. On road trips and in the home, he’d want me to sing WITH him and sing songs I didn’t know, criticizing and making fun of me any time I made a mistake. Despite his own off key renditions and my years of choir practice, he was convinced that he was a much better singer.

He made me get rid of all my books too. He said he felt no books were necessary other than the Bible. He would reluctantly agree to occasional other books and later to children’s stories from the library with our kids but he was especially against marriage and relationship books and anything that reeked of “Psychology”, which was my major in college and what I have a degree in. He would make fun of and put down anything I said that he thought was using “psychology”, even going so far as to laugh and mock in later years when I worried that his calling the children “dummies” or putting them down could affect them badly in the future.

I could go on, there is so much more to tell, but I’m going to stop here today, while pointing out a couple of the ways in which his abusive nature was beginning to show. He was attempting to make me feel bad about myself as a person, to see him as the only rescuer, to mock the very thing I had a degree in, to take away things I loved and was interested in (music and books) and tell me they were “bad” for me (and future children) and in direct conflict with God, all to make me feel guilty and “wrong”. He would out-sing me and try to cover up the songs in my mind with the “songs of God”. This is even when I was singing songs from musicals I was in as a child or things I sang in choir, not stuff you’d necessarily associate with “evil”. In later years he told me that I “hated music” and that he was the only one who liked it, just because I wasn’t interested in hearing him blare Opera or classical music at high volumes when I was trying to focus on something else. At that point he’d decided that those forms of secular music were okay but anything I liked was not. Not that I even dislike Opera or classical music, particularly, it was just the way he was using it to drown me out.

When I had my affair it was such a relief because here was someone who is highly musically talented (he plays the piano, used to be in a jazz band, writes his own music, sings beautifully and often for people’s weddings and music was one of his majors in college) who actually APPRECIATED it when I sent him a video of a song I liked and reminisced with me about things we used to listen to when we were young. It was like, wow, I’m not crazy after all. There isn’t anything wrong with what I like even though I have someone here telling me I’m wrong all the time and that I have bad taste and what the hell I “don’t like music”? Me???

Yeah, more and more when I write it out I can see just how unreal it all was and how stereotypically his behavior folded out. In case you aren’t following this is a continuation of my last post Emotional and spiritual abuse, how it all began I’m sure I’ll have much more to write in further posts. Stay tuned.

Feel Like Makin Love…

An early Valentines gift for those of you who read my blog. A video playlist of some of my favorite love making jams. This is by no means a complete compilation, but here’s a little somethin, somethin to get you started 😉

Down Low- R. Kelly
H-town- Knockin Boots
Jodeci- Feenin
Isley Brothers- Between the Sheets
Keith Sweat ft. Athena Cage- Nobody
Joe- I Wanna Know
Silk- Freak Me
Robin Thicke- Lost Without U
Johnny Gill- My, My, My
SWV- Weak
Marvin Gaye- Let’s Get it On
I Should Be- Dru Hill
Zapp and Roger- I Wanna Be Your Man
AMG- Jiggable Pie
Gregory Abbott- Shake You Down
Boyz II Men- Uhh Ahh
J. Holiday- Suffocate
Changing Faces ft. R. Kelly- Stroke You Up

I’d better stop now, lol 😉 These should keep you busy for awhile 😉