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My heart is in shambles :/

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My heart is in a place of numbness that makes it hard for me to write. I haven’t been able to cry over the Cohort other than a little bit when he called me the other day. What he called to say, is that he is deleting my number. He said it’s too tempting for him to call or text me.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how he can claim he misses me, say it’s hard not to contact me, but still be unwilling to give me love, affection, and emotional exclusivity. He knows damn well I’m not asking for a sexual commitment, but I never, ever want to go through what I went through that night he took a woman to a party again.

What cuts me to the core, is that the night before he did that, is when I had finally told him I love him. It felt like a kick in the face. It’s not just that he went to the party with someone either- he’s right, we did not have a commitment and he did not do something technically wrong. It’s that he knew I was distraught over it, and it didn’t stop him.

I just know, that if the roles were reversed and it had been me, there is no way I could have run out and had fun, knowing someone I cared about was hurting because of it. Never. If the Cohort was the one that was suffering, I would have turned right around and been there for him, forget some other person or a swinger party.

I feel betrayed. I feel angry, furiously angry, and I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, no matter how irrational. I am deeply hurt, but I cannot seem to access the pain. I vacillate between rage and a sickening numbness.

I’m afraid of my feelings because they remind me so much of what I went through when my mother tried to commit suicide. When the doctors said she was going to die, other people cried, but not me. I was stoic and carrying on like normal, able to deal with all the doctors and nurses and other people’s concerns, yet deep down I felt a burning anger that continues to this day.

I’ve been waking up at 4 am, unable to sleep, my thoughts and heart racing, unable to get him off my mind, but still I can’t cry. When he called me to say he is deleting my number, the floodgates were opened, for just a little while. It felt so final and so painful. I felt so abandoned, all over again.

Yet, some of the things he said, just infuriated me. He said he does care, that he was not telling the truth when he said he doesn’t feel affection for me, that he thinks I am special and that he feels really bad for not wanting a committed relationship with me. Yeah, fuck him. A man who meant those words would be backing them up.

I looked back at some of my posts after the Professor and I ended things. I cried and cried. Yet, I didn’t feel half for him what I felt for the Cohort. I’m so devastated that I think I’m disassociating, like I’ve done with some of the more traumatic events of my childhood and life. I’ve been able to function, work, live, almost like nothing is wrong.

I hope that this isn’t going to affect me permanently, that someday I will be able to be vulnerable and open my heart again. Right now, I’m having my doubts. I feel like I gave the best of what I have to offer to the Cohort, he saw more of the real me than anyone ever has and if he didn’t love me for it, no one ever will.

The last few times I saw him, I was so full of love and affection I thought I was going to explode! When he hurt his foot and I was there by his side, I felt like this is a man I could love for the rest of my life. Even if he was old and sickly and needed taken care of, I would be happy just to be with him. I’d never felt like that about anyone, and it meant nothing to him. Nothing!

The time before that, on his birthday, his face and head had been covered with a terrible razor burn rash that he was trying to get rid of. I remember thinking how handsome he still looked to me, that it didn’t matter, I would still pick him over any man in the world. I freaking adored him! That he could be so disloyal to ME, just burns.

On the one year anniversary of the day we met (and HE was the one who brought up and remembered that) we had gone out to eat and had this absolutely beautiful day together. Everything felt perfect and wonderful. We sat on the patio of a lovely Mexican restaurant and drank margaritas. He had loaned me his jacket because of the cool air and was smiling about how big it looked on me.

Afterwards, he took me along shopping for some things he needed at the mall. We were in a department store and he was trying on clothes. A woman in the waiting area of the dressing room asked if he was my husband and commented on how happy we looked together. She told me she had been married for 30 years and now that the kids were out of the house it was like she and her husband were dating all over again, that it was so much fun. It seemed at the time, almost like a sign of what was to come, for us, even though that doesn’t really make any logical sense.  It just FELT that way.

Heck, when I was working for the Cohort and at his house often, I was even happy just doing simple things like the laundry together. I remember feeling like this just feels so RIGHT. He feels like my other half, like someone I should be with forever and it feels so WRONG to be ending things but I know I can’t handle being strung along and feeling unloved. It’s like my gut and my heart are just all fucked up and giving me all the wrong signals because they keep telling me I should be with someone who I guess doesn’t feel the same way. I feel so lost and confused, like I’m going the wrong way, but it seems like my only option.

Life goes on…

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Wow, it seems like a lot has happened since the last time I updated my blog! Where to even start? I guess you’d probably like to hear about the new man I am sleeping with, and maybe some updates on the Cohort ;). By the way, he and Mr. Firm met each other recently, at a party, lol. I wasn’t there though. I’ll elaborate on that too, in a minute.

I recently discovered Tinder, which was awesome, for like the week and a half it actually worked on my phone!! A girlfriend told me about it and how she had like 7 dates in a week, so I thought it would be fun to try. It was!! Until it stopped working and all the uninstalling and reinstalling was to no avail. 😦

I even lost a great potential man, because we had gone on a date but never exchanged actual phone numbers. I was getting notifications that he was emailing me but couldnt access the app or respond. Grrrr….. So, screw Tinder, but I can’t be too mad because I did meet one man I actually like. 🙂

I will call him Radioman. He works in advertising for one of my favorite radio stations. He also coaches the same sport that the Professor did. By the way, for those of you who remember the Professor, he’s been kind of stalking my swinger profile lately. Interesting, though I’m pretty sure I would never fuck him again at this point. Like I keep saying, men always come back. Heck, the Producer texted me recently too, and mentioned that he is getting married- and its not to the woman he was so in love with either!! He said she is with a white guy now. Told you so! 😉

Back to Radioman. So far, he seems pretty cool. I enjoy spending time with him and he is good in bed. I’ve never told him about swinging though and we did the traditional 3 dates before sex. I’m just not sure when to bring something like that up, you know? Its awkward when you meet someone in another context.

He actually asked me if I want an exclusive relationship. I told him its too early for me to decide. I do like him a lot so far, but I’m not sure yet if I want THAT. Its frustrating…it seems like men either want to go all in the minute you meet them or they are running as fast and far away as they can get from any sort of commitment. I just want to get to know someone first and see if its workable or not.

There is a big part of me that would love to just have that one guy in my life, stability, safety and seriousness. Yet, I’m just not sure if I’d start feeling claustrophobic. An open relationship, where I am Numero Uno, sounds ideal in many ways, but I am starting to lose hope that I will ever be able to find that. I would have loved something like that with the Cohort, but I can’t handle NOT having the assurance of being number one and like most men who want something “open” he didn’t want to give me that.

Back to Radioman- I like him but there are a few red flags when it comes to a long term thing. Mainly, he has 3 children with 3 different mothers. He’s actually a grandpa too, even though he is my age, because one of his teenage daughters has a toddler. It also means that despite having a great paying job (plus a side job coaching), he’s not doing that well financially- due to all the child support he has to shell out. :p I mean he has a decent home and car and all that, just says he has some struggles.

Other things though, are great! He’s made me dinner a couple of times and is a great cook. He’s been easygoing and fun to hang out with. He’s not bothered at all by the number of children I have. Plus, he gets free tickets to fun events and has been giving some to me. 🙂 Did I mention he’s pretty good in bed? He hasnt slacked on going down on me either. 😉 Mmmm…

I so wish Tinder would have worked longer, because I was getting hit up by a ton of nice looking guys. The other guy I met in person seemed fantastic too! He travels a lot for his job at a medical research company and used to play football for a major college on the east coast. He still looked like it too and had pretty hazel eyes. I was totally interested but since I couldn’t reply to his email, it seems all is lost.

I’ve also got a new job myself, that is getting me out there and around a lot of people. I’m getting hit on all the time. Like every time I work (and its a part time thing) I have at least a couple of men asking for my number or something. Its been fun, though I haven’t followed through with any of those men yet. It’s always fun to be swarmed with attention and have options though! 🙂

It’s all helping me keep my mind off the Cohort, though he has been calling again too. Let me explain what finally happened with him.

After my last post about him, I did hear from him again. He tried to call and I didnt answer. I texted him that it hurt me too much to talk as a friend, after all that had happened. He said it was an emergency though and I picked up the phone. He wanted to tell me about how someone had stolen money from his Paypal account and we ended up talking.

A couple of days later he called again wanting my help with work stuff and I reiterated that this was too painful. After that we didn’t talk for a couple of weeks.

Then he hit me up again saying that he misses me and that he thought it would just go away but it hasn’t. I admit this tore at my heart but I’m trying to stay strong. I know I could not, at this point, accept what he is wanting to give me, which is basically crumbs. I care too much about him to be anything less than #1.

It was then that he told me about meeting Mr. Firm. He said they met at a swinger party and he wanted to know why I couldn’t just have the same type of relationship with him that I do with Mr. Firm. I was kind of baffled that he didn’t seem to understand this, but tried to explain that my feelings for him are different and that Mr. Firm already had a serious relationship with someone else. The Cohort said I was “punishing” him because he is single.

What?? I said it doesn’t feel good to hear that my love and affection are a punishment. Men. I’m really trying to wrap my head around how they see things. Not to mention I hardly ever see Mr. Firm anymore. I said is that really what you want, to see me once or twice a year? He said no, he didnt realize it was that infrequent.

He also claimed that the couple who was throwing the party told him that they think I am “playing” him and pretending to want a relationship when I really don’t. He said he had to set them straight and tell them it was him who didn’t want a relationship. He said they saw me with other men at parties (in the past, like the Prof) who didnt want to share me with anyone and thought I was leading him on.

I was like, well, there goes my image as a “player”! Seriously though, I’m still trying to digest this one. Mr. Firm said everyone was busy having sex and drinking so he doesn’t know how a conversation like that would have even come up, but the Cohort tends to be pretty honest. My head is spinning.

On the plus side, the Cohort and Mr. Firm seemed to like each other. They both said positive things about one another, though they didn’t actually discuss knowing me when they met. If only it had happened earlier, now all my fantasies of a threesome with two of my favorite men in bed, are pretty much shot! 😉 Lol Ah well….

OH, and I had another dream about the Cohort’s mother, before he told me about this party. It was weird because she has been dead for quite some time and I have never met her, but it is the second dream I have had (the first one was after the first miscarriage). In this one, the Cohort was with another woman, one who was very unattractive and I was upset. His mother walked with me over to the two of them and he broke away from the woman to come and hug and kiss me. His mom said to me “I am so happy that you forgave him, I know he loves you”. Then she later told me that she was totally okay with how many kids I have and that I am the one for her son. Wishful thinking? Sigh… If only it were a message from the other side. My heart still feels that for him and this is so hard for me.

In any case, he has still tried a few more times to talk to me. Most recently, yesterday, he texted to ask if I will go to a swinger party with him! I was sort of shocked that he would think this would be okay. Does he really not understand that I need to have the assurance that I am SAFE with him before doing this again? That I can’t be disconnected from him and then go to a party where we are fucking other people in front of each other? I tried to explain.

He says he misses me, and not just for the sex. I’m glad to hear that because I miss him too, but its not enough. Its not enough for me to subject myself to the way I felt when he took that woman to a party. I seriously could have hurt someone. I was so angry and upset!! The thoughts going through my mind were horrible and it was all I could do not to follow through on them. He’s lucky his car and windows weren’t destroyed and no one was hurt. Seriously, I FELT like acting like a psycho!

I just CAN’T put myself in that position. No. Like I told him recently, he didn’t do anything wrong and that’s the problem. I need it to be wrong. I cant handle it being “okay” for him to do things that hurt me. I’m not going to stick around for that.

He says he understands and doesn’t want to hurt me. Yet he keeps offering me half assed things like friendship and swinger parties. I love him too much to settle for that. It’s all or nothing now.

In the meantime, I’m doing everything I can to keep my mind of him. I won’t say it’s totally working, but I havent broken down and cried and that is a good thing, I think. At least for now keeping busy is seeming to help.

The married man, I havent seen him again but he told me that he is leaving his wife and wants to be with me and only me. WTF? The next day he texted to ask if I would have a threesome with him and some “good friend” (female) of his. Eyeroll…

I’ve spent some more time with the Boring guy and he’s obviously making an attempt to be more interesting, which is nice. He took me to a concert as a double date with one of his friends (my suggestion, but he paid, which was awesome) and has found a new restaurant near his place that we have gone to a couple of times.

I’m still a little put off by his self absorbtion though. :p For example, he watches himself in the mirror while we have sex. Not me, or us, HIMSELF. Ugh.

Oh well, its better than sitting around pining for the Cohort, for sure. He’s making it extra hard by keeping contacting me, but I’m determined not to accept anything less than his best. As of yet, I am not getting that and I’d rather spend my time with men I am not in love with that be continually hurting over one I do.

Took a trip, and am I tripping?

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I haven’t even had a chance to tell you all about another man in my life! We will call him Chicago. He lives here in my city half the time, but travels back and forth to his home in Chicago every couple of weeks. He works from home doing some kind of computer engineering, but prefers living there, to here (where his child is) so he has condos in both places.

Actually, he recently flew ME to Chicago to stay with him for a weekend! He wined and dined me and took me to my first comedy show- to see Cedric the Entertainer. It was an exciting weekend for me, with getting to travel and experience new things. His condo has a beautiful view of Lake Michigan and he took me to a delicious steak house, where he dropped well over $200 for dinner.

Here’s the view of Lake Michigan from his condo:
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And my lovely bubbling drink at the steak house:

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I’d had some car troubles, thanks to my teenager (long story), so Chicago covered rental vehicles for me to take my kids to their dads, and also paid for my gas. His brother drove me to the airport. Obviously, this guy is doing alright financially. 😉

Actually, he’s been probably more of a Sugar Daddy than any of the others, buying and giving me things here and there. He gave me a brand new printer for my computer and bought me a shawl so I wouldn’t need to borrow his jacket when we go out. He’s taken me out for lots of dinners at nice restaurants and to the movies several times.

Sounds fabulous right? Well, not quite. I’m really, just not feeling this guy. I just can’t bring myself to LIKE him that much. I’m trying, really I am, but it’s just not there.

He’s obviously doting on me, and being a nice person. He claims to like me a lot. Yet, some things just really bug me. I’ve finally figured out that he reminds me of my ex husband.

He reminds me of him in SEVERAL ways. One, is how he acts in the bedroom. We just can’t seem to have good sex. There is like, NO chemistry. He’s doing some of the same things that other guys do, at least trying to be good, but it’s just not working for me! It’s so weird.

One of the things that bothers me, is that he just doesn’t seem to be able to, or maybe he’s just not interested in, reading my body language. If I don’t like something, and try to make it clear, he just keeps trying to do the same damn thing!

Like he has an obsession with trying to lick my nipples. Sometimes I like that, but not the way he does it. He will lunge toward my nipples with his tongue flicking out and I am like cringing. I’ll kind of push him away and he comes back again in full force. So I actually covered my nipples with my hands and he tried to pull them off! I wouldn’t let him so he’s laughing about it, what you don’t like that? I said they feel sensitive and now he harrasses me about it, major turnoff. He is constantly trying to do what I have made clear I wasn’t feeling.

What’s crazy is that my ex husband would try to do that very same thing and act the very same way about it- annoyed with ME for not enjoying something. Get over it already and quit trying to do something I’m obviously not liking! Sheesh!

That’s just one example. The rest of the sex just isn’t working well either. I just don’t like it.

I’m sure some of it, is that he’s just NOT the Cohort. I’m emotionally attached and it makes it hard for me to be with someone new. I only started seeing this guy after the last miscarriage, when I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with he and I.

Still, it’s not just the bedroom where he’s acting insensitive. He doesn’t seem to pay any attention to the things I SAY to him. It’s like he cuts me off or changes the subject or just says “uh-huh” like I’m not saying anything interesting. It’s very upsetting to me to not feel heard when I am talking. That too, is very much like my ex, who brushed off anything I wanted to talk about (outside of the Bible or politics) as unimportant.

He also has a tendency to over-explain things to me, like he thinks I am an idiot or something. It makes me feel like a child. He took me to a park the other day (and to eat afterwards) and insisted on looking up the history of the park on his phone and reading to me about how it was donated by some woman whose husband owned a biscuit factory, like he was giving me a lesson. TOTALLY like my ex husband, who was always lecturing about something.

He actually wanted to talk about scripture on our last date. Uggggghhh… he said because it was something “different” than what most people talk about and he thought it would be a nice change of pace. I spent 15 years talking about the Bible. I didn’t want to be rude but I really didn’t feel like elaborating on my thoughts about various passages of scripture. It felt torturous.

He wants to hold hands, and be “romantic” all the time but it makes my skin crawl. I feel guilty, but I can’t help it! It’s frustrating.

Anyway, when we got back to his place, I decided to play a little game, just to test and see if he actually does listen to anything I say. I asked him some questions about myself to see if he knew the answers to any of them, all things I had told him before. I was like what color are my eyes? He said “blue” (we were in candlelight and my eyes are green). I asked how many siblings do I have, where did I go to high school, what did I major in in college? He got them ALL wrong. Then I let him ask me stuff and I got every single answer RIGHT. Because I actually freaking LISTEN when someone is talking to me!

It bothers me so much, that I don’t know if I can stand it much longer, even with all the perks. His birthday is coming up soon and he has decided he wants me to make him a picnic with wine and grapes and strawberries that we feed each other on a blanket outside, and then I give him backrubs. It sounds kind of like Hell on earth. Not sure how to get out of it without being rude though.

I guess all this kind of explains why my trip to Chicago, while fun in some ways, just wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. The whole time I was really missing the Cohort and wishing he was the one with me. We would have had SO much fun, doing those exact same things together. Heck, I can have a blast with the Cohort at the grocery store! Lol

Chicago took me to the store with him the other day and I was miserable. He took like an hour to buy stuff and it was soooo boring. It reminded me of being a kid and getting dragged along on errands with old people. Bleah.

I was positively aching for the Cohort the whole time I was away in Chicago. He didn’t even know I was gone (it was two days, one night) but I missed him something awful. Then he called, right as I was boarding the plane. I told him where I was and actually ended up getting MAD at him for no reason. I think it was just all that pent up resentment that I was spending my time with someone else, when he was who I’d rather be sharing all this with. At that time we were trying not to have sex with each other.

We couldn’t talk after the plane took off, so I stewed on my thoughts for awhile and finally figured out that was what it was. So I told him the truth and said I missed you and the whole time I was here I wanted to be with you. Being with this guy was mostly meant to take my mind OFF of him, but it hasn’t been working very well.

Can you all keep a secret?

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I have a confession to make. This actually seems like an exceptionally weird time to make it, what with the Cohort seeming to have vanished, but it has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. I’ve wanted to write something about it, but just haven’t been able to bring myself to admit this publicly.

You know how, on this blog, I’m always ranting and railing against Madonna/Whore and the unfair way men seem to act, wanting to fuck everything in sight, yet getting jealous when a woman shows ANY interest in another man? It always bothered me sooo much, until I fell for the Cohort. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of self discovery that was sort of disturbing.

I found out that, at least with him, in a way I never expected, it TURNED ME ON.

Now, the Cohort has always been fair, and kept his jealousies in check, realizing that a double standard in our situation would not be okay. He’s gotten a little jealous a couple of times, and he was real about it, but he also got himself under control without losing it. I respect that and I feel he is better than most in that area, actually.

I’m not even talking about jealousy from a man here, really, as its not hard for me to admit that it sometimes feels good to have a man get riled up enough to show he cares. No, I’m talking about me. I’m talking about ME getting turned on by what is maybe a combination of my own jealousy mixed with a little bit of playing on a man’s Madonna/whore.

I wrote a little bit in this blog, but not much, about how I went several months without sleeping with anyone but the Cohort. What I left out, is that, not only did I have almost no desire for other men (because I was so smitten with him), but that it was also, kind of…. turning me on? Something about the fact, that he was still sleeping with people, but I was not, was making me HOT.

What the fuck Lovergirl? Where is your head? Do you need me to smack you upside of it so you can think straight again? How could you get turned on by that? Didn’t it bother you??

All good questions, and I just… don’t know. Maybe I did completely lose my head. I was so wound up in my emotions that somehow it felt…GOOD.

Like one time, when he had gone off for a weekend of gangbanging, I remember feeling mildly threatened and jealous. Only it wasn’t too bad, because I knew it was not an emotional thing for him, just sexual. When he came back, he told me all about it.

I listened to his stories for a bit before he started kissing me and taking off my clothes. He whispered in my ear “but you, you haven’t had sex for awhile, have you?” I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head no. I could tell it turned him on just as much as it did me, and the lovemaking that followed was incredibly intense. He was flooding me with affection that it felt like he’d been holding back for a long time, saving it all for me.

Not just then, but other times too. It just felt so good to feel like I was the only one on the recieving end of all that EMOTION, like he was reserving it for me, while I was reserving my body for him. Even at a party we went to, where he slept with three other women (and me with no one else, I wrote a bit about that one before), each time he would come to me afterwards for what felt like especially mind blowing sex. I loved feeling like I belonged to HIM, and him alone.

I guess that mostly ended after the first time I got pregnant. Maybe that was a big part of what lead up to that for us, subconsciously. Like he once commented, (referring to someone else) pregnancy is like the ultimate “handcuff”. After losing the baby(ies) I felt the need to use logic again and also be sleeping with other men, since we aren’t committed. I wanted to protect my heart, which was getting too involved.

Even now, I have been having a very hard time getting over the emotional hurdle of having sex with other men. I’ve slept with some, but I just can’t seem to open myself up. I’m holding back much more than usual.

All this has helped me understand, at least maybe a little more, the whole cuckhold phenomenon. I’ve always found it kind of baffling, but maybe I get it more than I want to admit, from my own angle. Did you know that there are females that are into that and they are called cuckqueens? You don’t hear a whole lot about that, but I wonder if it is more common than we realize.

It seems like, the little bit you can find online about that sort of thing though, is filled with levels of degradation and humiliation that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not all about that. For me I guess, it’s something different.

Like at the parties before, he has done things like had me suck his dick before he went off and fucked someone else, but nothing about it felt bad. I knew he was coming back to me, tenfold, afterwards.

I once sort of shared my feelings about all this with the Cohort, over a short text. We didn’t talk about it in depth but he brought it up on Valentine’s Day, during my miscarriage and while we were eating at a pizzeria. It wasn’t a good time and I kind of just denied it all and looked away. He tends to probe my feelings and reactions more deeply, but this time he just looked at me quizically and didn’t comment. I think he knows.

It’s just one of those things that is very hard to talk about. It’s like admitting you feel okay with that can be very shameful and embarrassing. I think, with the Cohort, my level of emotional safety was so much higher that I felt I could drop my guard and just be who I am. He would lightly tease me about things of that nature or jokingly call me his “slut slave” but he never took it too far.

There is something super intimate though, about taking it to a deeper level that way. I miss him so much. 😦 At least you all are getting some good writing out of this! 😉

Here we go again….

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Well, it happened AGAIN. The Cohort and I had ANOTHER miscarriage. Who does that? What 30-something, responsible adults, who are not in an “official” relationship of any kind, go and get pregnant TWICE in a 6 month period? Apparently, us.

There is no appropriate excuse or explanation for it. It just…IS, and somehow, on some deeper level, we BOTH have to want this. We had a talk, shortly after finding out this time, and we both fessed up to the fact that there must be some subconscious pull to have a baby together. Still, it didn’t make it any easier.

Emotions were up, down, all over the place. He went back and forth from telling me that he really, really likes me and would jump on the opportunity to be with me long term if I didn’t have so many kids, to yelling at me to get an abortion. He said I treat him maybe better than any woman he has ever been with. Then said he was worried about being able to financially provide for my whole family and the social implications for him, and even brought up the fact that my other children are white. He said everyone would think he was crazy.

Then he said he’d been thinking. He thought maybe we could have some kind of non-traditional relationship, where we didn’t actually live together. He said he felt like maybe he never really wanted the whole traditional marriage type deal anyway. No matter what, he promised, he would always be there for his child.

Not long after that though, he went back to seeming angry and resentful. I told him I couldn’t handle it and just call me when he could talk without being upset. At some point, we ended up in bed together again, having hot, passionate, emotional sex. We cuddled and kissed and slept together, he came inside me, because he could. He was super affectionate.

Then, he was angry again. The roller coaster was almost too much to take. On Valentines day, it came crashing down to the bottom. I woke up to gushing blood and passed what looked like it may have been twins, in the same sac. He invited me over, and offered comfort and hugs. I had to bring a change of clothes because I was bleeding all over the place and passing clots on the mat in his bathroom.

He cleaned things up and brought me food. He took me out for pizza even though I could barely walk without having to run to the bathroom. He admitted he was sad this time and said that he hadn’t told me, but he had found a home near my house that he was planning to buy.

This sounds like the end, but it wasn’t. Almost a week later, I was still feeling nauseous, my breasts hurt and pregnancy tests kept showing up darker and darker. I was still bleeding and starting to get concerned that maybe I was wrong about having miscarried. My mind and body were playing tricks on me.

I called him, which I probably shouldn’t have, and he got really angry and started accusing me of lying. He said I was trying to “trap” him and that he thought I’d been making up that I had the miscarriage in the first place. He yelled at me that he never wanted a baby with me, to go get an abortion and leave him alone.

I ended up driving to the hospital, dizzy and bleeding, by myself, in a snowstorm. I was terrified. The ER doctors took tests and my hcg level was higher than expected for how far along I would have been. They did a pelvic exam and said my uterus was still enlarged. For a bit there I really started to believe I might still be pregnant.

Then they did an ultrasound. They said there was a lot of leftover tissue, more than what there should be, but no baby. It was possible I was farther along than expected, or it was a multiple pregnancy. I know exactly when I got pregnant because the Cohort had slipped and cum inside of me. This confirmed that it was probably what I thought the first time- twins.

They talked about the possibility of an emergency d&c but decided it was safe to send me home. I was given cytotec, which I never took because of the horror stories I have heard. The doctor said it was okay to do things naturally as long as I returned to the ER if I had pain or heavy bleeding.

Meanwhile, I had texted the Cohort to tell him where I was at and keep him updated. He asked questions via text but never bothered to come to the hospital. I felt scared and alone, and later, resentful and angry. When I expressed this to him, he was quiet, but offered to pay for the medicine and any other medical costs I incurred. He sent me the money via paypal.

He later apologized, but said he decided we should no longer have sex. So that is where we are at. He asked if I would continue to work for him, and I said yes, but we are not hanging out outside of that. I have only seen him once since then and he didn’t even hug me. We were working and talked to each other but he was obviously trying to keep his physical distance.

I’m hurt. I said I was sad and he says he is too. He says he just doesn’t think its a good idea if our relationship isn’t “going anywhere”. I guess its just too tempting to impregnate me.

The past few weekends, he’s avoided calling. Even this weekend, my kids were away at their dads, but we didn’t see one another. Still, he sends me random texts and calls sometimes for “work” purposes that really aren’t necessary. I don’t know what is going to come out of it all, but I miss him.

It feels bad to feel like I got dumped because I had a miscarriage. 😦 I’m trying to get out there and date a little bit, but haven’t really felt like having sex. The married man, when I told him I had a miscarriage, was all over that. He said “you want a baby? I’ll give you one”. Yikes! He WAS the one that once offered me $3000 a month to have his child. Now I’m kind of scared to have sex with him, lol.

It’s not been too long since I have slept with the Host (who has a vasectomy), the Pilot or Mr. Firm (he wore a condom but WOW that was hot- I think he may have earned the new position of best in bed ever, I’m not as enamored with sex with the Married Man as I used to be). There was another new guy for a bit, he was boring but he bought me some $200 boots and nice perfume. Still, I’m emotionally pretty caught up with the Cohort still and its hard to let go. I guess I am still hoping he will change his mind and want something real with me.

Maybe its hopeless, but something inside me says he’s the right man for me, like for life. Am I crazy?  Can I really be so wrong?  I know he still cares, even though he tries to hide it.  He finds reasons and excuses to contact me.  I just don’t know if I am dreaming of something that can never be.

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time writing in my blog lately is because I am SO AFRAID of how intense my feelings are this time around.  I’m afraid of putting it all out there and risking that vulnerability, admitting how I really feel, admitting I want something so badly.  What if I say all this and it all comes crashing down?  What if I’m wrong? What if I announce to the world how much I love someone and it turns out they really DON’T give a fuck about me?

Well, I decided to write anyway.  Thank you Mr. Firm, for encouraging me 😉 and all the others who keep asking why I don’t write.  Here I go again….

Sinking low

drowning

I’ve been having a hard time even bringing myself to update my blog lately.  I think the depression stage of getting over a breakup has been hitting me hard.  Not to mention anything that reeks of “depression” TERRIFIES me. 

Realize that I am the daughter of a woman with depression so severe that she has gone to the point of near death by suicide twice, and you might understand why.  I would do virtually ANYTHING to avoid feeling “depressed” and sometimes behave recklessly rather than allow myself to wallow.  It took me less than 3 weeks to contract a freaking STD after the way things ended with the Professor and I’m trying not to be like that, but it vacillates. 

I keep going back and forth between anger and tears.  For a while things were falling apart at home. I couldn’t get things done and my daily routine completely flew out the window.  I’ve gained weight; my sleep schedule has been crazy. I feel like I can’t function.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do. 😦

This past weekend I went home to visit for my brother’s graduation.  My period not only started late and interfered with things but wanted to hang on, causing spotting and me feeling like a bloated balloon all through the time I could have met with the married guy or the one I had the affair with. 

I talked with both of them but we ended up not getting together.  Partly due to my period, and partly due to other factors but I just didn’t have the motivation to make it work.  Instead I hung out with my siblings and family.  Of course, I enjoyed that but for me not to be that excited about sex with these guys is HUGE.  It is so not like me at all to be apathetic about sex and most especially when it’s with someone that is the best of my life or that I’ve been emotionally so into in the past.

I’ve been so despondent.  Things with the Professor hurt me a lot more than I would have thought and I think I liked/loved him a lot more than I even wanted to admit to myself.  I am emotionally just CRUSHED that things turned out the way they did and still so confused as to why.  I feel like all the life has been sucked out of my body.

Somehow I’ve been managing to get through the days, mostly not breaking down until I’m lying in my bed at night.  Then I just sob my heart out.  I’ve been staying up really late, I think to avoid having to face the thoughts in my mind when I’m alone in bed.  Then I get woken up early by the kids and I just look a hot mess.

My sister did my hair yesterday and that has been helping me feel a little better.  I had her brighten it up a bit with warmer tones and I love it.  It’s sort of a coppery brown with golden highlights, which is closer to the natural state of my hair as a kid.  We’d been trying to avoid the natural reddish undertones that my hair tends to pull beforehand but I think it looks much better when I let them shine and brightens up my face and goes better with my green eyes. 

So it has been cheering me up a bit and I came home and got quite a bit done yesterday after unpacking.  Oh, and my grandma gave me some natural supplements that are supposed to help with weight loss.  It’s really just the 15 lbs or so that I keep losing then gaining back but I want to get rid of it for good.  I’ve never tried dieting really or pills but maybe these will help and they are natural so we will see.  I work out several days a week and take my Zumba and pole dancing classes and stuff, but right now it doesn’t seem to be helping. 

My diet has admittedly suffered though these past few weeks.  Then of course, I’ve had bloating from my menstrual cycle.  I dropped off like 5 lbs this morning from yesterday so that is going down and helping me feel a little better too. I do tend to hit a depressed state that time of the month and gain some water weight which makes me feel like crap.

I keep wanting to say I’m on my way to getting over this but I’m really not sure.  There are days when I feel like I am doing better but then nighttime falls and I am a wreck.  Ugh.

I’m still not lacking for men that want to talk to me.  There is a swinger guy I may or may not meet with next weekend and my fuck buddy texted to ask where I’ve been and says he misses me.  The married man says his wife will be out of town soon and the guy I had the affair with was really disappointed that we missed each other.  Then there is that guy I kissed awhile back who gave me the flowers.  He’s been emailing me again.  Oh, and I got a text from the guy with the small dick (I should probably think up a nicer way to refer to him, lol) wanting to see me this weekend too.  Plus there’s this other guy who just got married, but has been talking about flying me out to see him for quite a while.  Lots of prospects, just need to get over this pesky broken heart. :p

The guy I had the affair with has been kind of cracking me up.  His texts are interesting.  He’s gone back to being really possessive lately, even though we haven’t seen each other in like 6 months and rarely talk.  Out of the blue he’s telling me I’m his and he doesn’t want to share.  I just sort of laughed it off and he was like “Lovergirl, I’m serious”.  I’m not sure how to take that.  I used to love his possessive attitude towards me but right now it seems so far removed.  I had said if he wanted it to be his he was going to have to come get it (meaning get your butt down here soon, lol) and he said “I am going to come get it!! And I’d better not find out someone else is getting it or there will be problems”.  What??  Men, I swear they are so weird sometimes.  Why would he act territorial NOW, when we’ve not been an item for a long time?

Anyhow, I’m trying not to think too much about what the Professor has been up to.  Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to me or he would.  It has been over four weeks now since we’ve spoken to one another.  He seems perpetually always signed on to the swinger site but I think it’s always been like that.  He was on my “friends” list there so I’m used to seeing his name as “online”.  I think it must just mean his phone is on or something.  I try to stay away from his profile, his house, anything like that, no matter how tempting it is to look.  Everything about thinking about him makes me feel so disappointed and hurt. 

Who knows?  Maybe he’s spending all his free time with that married woman now or playing with whomever off the swinger site.  I guess I know one thing for sure and that’s that he never really cared that much about me or the friendship in the way he pretended to.  He’s never even bothered to check and see how things are going with all the stressful stuff he knew was happening here at my house with my oldest child. 

This really isn’t doing much to help my trust towards men in general.  I feel betrayed because he ACTED like someone who really liked me but then just turned on me and disappeared when it didn’t fit his agenda.  I don’t understand why, if he just wanted to be FWB, he would do all that stuff for me and get involved in my daily life and act like I meant something to him.  They always say you can judge a man’s feelings more by his actions than his words but in this case I guess I should have been listening to his words and ignoring the actions.  I’d much rather he never have done all that stuff and given me hope if he didn’t mean it.  :/