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My heart is in shambles :/

confusing.sign_

My heart is in a place of numbness that makes it hard for me to write. I haven’t been able to cry over the Cohort other than a little bit when he called me the other day. What he called to say, is that he is deleting my number. He said it’s too tempting for him to call or text me.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how he can claim he misses me, say it’s hard not to contact me, but still be unwilling to give me love, affection, and emotional exclusivity. He knows damn well I’m not asking for a sexual commitment, but I never, ever want to go through what I went through that night he took a woman to a party again.

What cuts me to the core, is that the night before he did that, is when I had finally told him I love him. It felt like a kick in the face. It’s not just that he went to the party with someone either- he’s right, we did not have a commitment and he did not do something technically wrong. It’s that he knew I was distraught over it, and it didn’t stop him.

I just know, that if the roles were reversed and it had been me, there is no way I could have run out and had fun, knowing someone I cared about was hurting because of it. Never. If the Cohort was the one that was suffering, I would have turned right around and been there for him, forget some other person or a swinger party.

I feel betrayed. I feel angry, furiously angry, and I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, no matter how irrational. I am deeply hurt, but I cannot seem to access the pain. I vacillate between rage and a sickening numbness.

I’m afraid of my feelings because they remind me so much of what I went through when my mother tried to commit suicide. When the doctors said she was going to die, other people cried, but not me. I was stoic and carrying on like normal, able to deal with all the doctors and nurses and other people’s concerns, yet deep down I felt a burning anger that continues to this day.

I’ve been waking up at 4 am, unable to sleep, my thoughts and heart racing, unable to get him off my mind, but still I can’t cry. When he called me to say he is deleting my number, the floodgates were opened, for just a little while. It felt so final and so painful. I felt so abandoned, all over again.

Yet, some of the things he said, just infuriated me. He said he does care, that he was not telling the truth when he said he doesn’t feel affection for me, that he thinks I am special and that he feels really bad for not wanting a committed relationship with me. Yeah, fuck him. A man who meant those words would be backing them up.

I looked back at some of my posts after the Professor and I ended things. I cried and cried. Yet, I didn’t feel half for him what I felt for the Cohort. I’m so devastated that I think I’m disassociating, like I’ve done with some of the more traumatic events of my childhood and life. I’ve been able to function, work, live, almost like nothing is wrong.

I hope that this isn’t going to affect me permanently, that someday I will be able to be vulnerable and open my heart again. Right now, I’m having my doubts. I feel like I gave the best of what I have to offer to the Cohort, he saw more of the real me than anyone ever has and if he didn’t love me for it, no one ever will.

The last few times I saw him, I was so full of love and affection I thought I was going to explode! When he hurt his foot and I was there by his side, I felt like this is a man I could love for the rest of my life. Even if he was old and sickly and needed taken care of, I would be happy just to be with him. I’d never felt like that about anyone, and it meant nothing to him. Nothing!

The time before that, on his birthday, his face and head had been covered with a terrible razor burn rash that he was trying to get rid of. I remember thinking how handsome he still looked to me, that it didn’t matter, I would still pick him over any man in the world. I freaking adored him! That he could be so disloyal to ME, just burns.

On the one year anniversary of the day we met (and HE was the one who brought up and remembered that) we had gone out to eat and had this absolutely beautiful day together. Everything felt perfect and wonderful. We sat on the patio of a lovely Mexican restaurant and drank margaritas. He had loaned me his jacket because of the cool air and was smiling about how big it looked on me.

Afterwards, he took me along shopping for some things he needed at the mall. We were in a department store and he was trying on clothes. A woman in the waiting area of the dressing room asked if he was my husband and commented on how happy we looked together. She told me she had been married for 30 years and now that the kids were out of the house it was like she and her husband were dating all over again, that it was so much fun. It seemed at the time, almost like a sign of what was to come, for us, even though that doesn’t really make any logical sense.  It just FELT that way.

Heck, when I was working for the Cohort and at his house often, I was even happy just doing simple things like the laundry together. I remember feeling like this just feels so RIGHT. He feels like my other half, like someone I should be with forever and it feels so WRONG to be ending things but I know I can’t handle being strung along and feeling unloved. It’s like my gut and my heart are just all fucked up and giving me all the wrong signals because they keep telling me I should be with someone who I guess doesn’t feel the same way. I feel so lost and confused, like I’m going the wrong way, but it seems like my only option.

A friend in need…isn’t shit?

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Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to the Cohort. Well, he DID come back after his disappearance. He called to talk, about a week and a half later. I was happy to hear from him. He said he was surprised he didn’t hear from ME. We spoke briefly, then a few days later he texted me. Things seemed like they were getting back to normal.

Bright and early the next morning, I got a phone call. I was still half asleep. It was the Cohort and he had injured his foot at a boxing gym the night before. He said he’d been attempting to get back in shape and was in a lot of pain. He’d been up half the night hurting and was going to call his doctor as soon as the office opened. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to drive and asked if I might be able to take him.

OF COURSE! The man I love was hurting and I would do anything within my capability to help him. I jumped in the shower and drove over to his place.

We spent the day together. I drove him to the doctor and later to get an ultrasound on his foot. We went to pick up medicine at the pharmacy. In the waiting rooms, we kept each other entertained. There was a lot of banter and silliness between us, even though he was obviously in a lot of pain, that even medication was not helping with.

He texted me from the exam room while I was in the lobby. “The nurse just asked me to get naked”. I asked if she had rubbed her boobs on him yet. He responded that she said she wanted to check out his package before she looked at his foot. I said I bet she does. He was like “she said she doesn’t have anymore whipped cream for me to lick off her nipples” and I told him to “tell her you will whip up a batch of mayonnaise” (he’s always making jokes about how his cum is actually mayonnaise after we have sex). He was like “Lovergirl, you are REALLY filthy” and I told him that I was just over here keeping busy flashing guys in the lobby (he had thought my sundress was showing a lot of cleavage and asked me if I was trying to show off, beforehand).

Everything seemed good natured and fun. He took me out to lunch at Panera and I had to wait on him and help do things because it was hard for him to walk. He gave me a little money for “gas” (though I was driving his car) and was very thankful. When we got to his place I helped him wrap his foot in ice packs. He sort of hinted at having sex with me before I left but I told him that it hadn’t felt good when he disappeared the last time, that it had made me feel abandoned. He said “Lovergirl, I am not a bad guy. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like that. We should spend more time together. We make a good team”. He hugged me tightly and said it was good to see me.

I got a text from him after I went home that said my help really meant a lot. I told him not to hesitate to call if he needed anything else. All seemed well.

So the next morning, he called again. He asked if I could bring him lunch and I said sure. He also wanted me to help do some things for his business, that would have been hard for him, though his foot was getting better. He had pulled, but not torn, a tendon. He would pay me for the work I did.

I spent another day with him. I picked him up some fast food for lunch. I went to the doctor’s office to pick up a note he would need for work. I waited on him. I made him something to eat, basically just did whatever he needed. We talked and watched movies on the couch.

When I was getting ready to leave, he made a comment about how we couldn’t play anymore because that would make me feel “degraded”. It sounded like he was mocking the hurt I had expressed the night before. He didn’t hug me this time, or offer to pay for the lunch I picked up and I left feeling unsettled and kind of used.

On the drive home, I told him how I felt and somehow it blew up into a huge argument. Granted, I was about to start my period, and I do get very emotional with PMS. Anyway, I just felt hurt. Hurt that he wanted me to do all this stuff for him and to be there, but not enough to give me the reassurance that he would call after sex. Like, he’d rather not have sex at all, than give me that.

He said he hadn’t called before because “you said you didn’t want to be friends”. This is only part of the truth. What I had SAID, was that I didn’t want to be PLATONIC friends. I had told him if we weren’t having sex, then I didn’t want to be around him AT ALL. I asked, if you thought we weren’t friends, then why did you call ME when you needed someone? It degenerated from there.

He accused me of only helping him to “get” something in return, which is absolute bullshit. I helped him because I love him and couldn’t stand to see him in pain. I wanted to do everything I could to relieve him and make it better. It felt even worse to hear him say that because I felt like I was demonstrating just how much I care about him in being there and doing all that I did. There wasn’t some selfish motivation behind it.

Anyhow, my emotions were in overdrive and everything came spilling out. I told him I loved him. I told him that sitting there in the doctor’s offices with him I could see being with him the rest of my life and that this all is making me feel confused and strung along. I expressed how hurt I feel that he has not acknowledged a relationship between us, after a year of spending a couple of days a week together, talking almost every day and two pregnancies.

He said “I’m sorry- I can’t give you the feeling you want”. I was like, what feeling? What are you talking about? He wouldn’t answer and I was like just say it! I can take it and maybe it is best I hear it now. It took until the next morning to get him to actually say what he meant and here it is ” what I mean was that I can’t give you the feeling of love and affection and being the #1 woman in my life because I don’t see a long term relationship as a possibility between us”.

Ouch. 😦 Okay. I said “then get the fuck out of my life”. He said he was sorry but that he didn’t want to start his day off with negativity. I ignored it and had no intentions of talking to him further.

That should have been the end. Only it wasn’t, because something worse happened.

That night, I signed onto the swinger site and was looking at a party. He had signed up, which was no big deal, except for that he put a notation on there that he was coming AS A COUPLE with a particular other woman, who he named.

I just about freaking LOST IT. I called him and was like “how could you do this to me??” He said you are hysterical I will call you tomorrow, but I was so upset I wouldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t believe that, that very night, he was going to take another woman out to a party, like she was his girlfriend, after I’d just spent two days doing everything possible for him. I was like why didn’t you call HER?!! Why would you call ME when you needed someone, then the minute you are feeling better you turn around and take someone ELSE out? Where was she when you hurt your foot?

He said that was the only way he could get into the party. It was full on single males and so she had said he could get in with her. Nevertheless, he didn’t HAVE to sign up on the site at all if that were the case and he had to know there was a good chance I would see it. It felt humiliating and extremely hurtful. I know that I would not have gone to a party with another man so soon, just out of basic respect. I would have protected him from having to SEE that I was, for sure!

I was an absolute mess, crying and devastated. That he could still go out and have fun, knowing that, made it even more painful. It was like he didn’t even give a second thought to my feeling hurt. Yet, when he had (recently) dumped some woman he went on 3 dates with (and they never even had sex), he told me he felt really bad “for about 12 hours”. It was just so shocking and horrible and hurtful that he could blatantly disregard my feelings in that way.

That was a week ago and I am still reeling from the pain. I would have done anything in the world to keep him from hurting, but when it was me, he didn’t even seem to care at all. No compassion whatsoever. I’d even say his responses were cold and borderline mean.

He did try to call later in the week and I didn’t answer. When I returned the call about 20 minutes later he didnt pick up the phone. He later texted that he just wanted to see how I was feeling. I texted back “I don’t feel good about what happened with you. It felt, and still feels, really horrible to think of you taking someone else to a party. I feel taken for granted. I feel like I put my heart out there and it just got trampled. It feels awful to be told I will never be #1 to you or have your love and affection”.

I never heard back. Nothing. Not a word. That was 4 days ago. There may be nothing left to be said about the Cohort. If that is the case, then what a harsh and painful ending it was. I don’t know how I can feel so much love and affection for someone who doesn’t feel anything in return. What is wrong with me?

Can you all keep a secret?

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I have a confession to make. This actually seems like an exceptionally weird time to make it, what with the Cohort seeming to have vanished, but it has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. I’ve wanted to write something about it, but just haven’t been able to bring myself to admit this publicly.

You know how, on this blog, I’m always ranting and railing against Madonna/Whore and the unfair way men seem to act, wanting to fuck everything in sight, yet getting jealous when a woman shows ANY interest in another man? It always bothered me sooo much, until I fell for the Cohort. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of self discovery that was sort of disturbing.

I found out that, at least with him, in a way I never expected, it TURNED ME ON.

Now, the Cohort has always been fair, and kept his jealousies in check, realizing that a double standard in our situation would not be okay. He’s gotten a little jealous a couple of times, and he was real about it, but he also got himself under control without losing it. I respect that and I feel he is better than most in that area, actually.

I’m not even talking about jealousy from a man here, really, as its not hard for me to admit that it sometimes feels good to have a man get riled up enough to show he cares. No, I’m talking about me. I’m talking about ME getting turned on by what is maybe a combination of my own jealousy mixed with a little bit of playing on a man’s Madonna/whore.

I wrote a little bit in this blog, but not much, about how I went several months without sleeping with anyone but the Cohort. What I left out, is that, not only did I have almost no desire for other men (because I was so smitten with him), but that it was also, kind of…. turning me on? Something about the fact, that he was still sleeping with people, but I was not, was making me HOT.

What the fuck Lovergirl? Where is your head? Do you need me to smack you upside of it so you can think straight again? How could you get turned on by that? Didn’t it bother you??

All good questions, and I just… don’t know. Maybe I did completely lose my head. I was so wound up in my emotions that somehow it felt…GOOD.

Like one time, when he had gone off for a weekend of gangbanging, I remember feeling mildly threatened and jealous. Only it wasn’t too bad, because I knew it was not an emotional thing for him, just sexual. When he came back, he told me all about it.

I listened to his stories for a bit before he started kissing me and taking off my clothes. He whispered in my ear “but you, you haven’t had sex for awhile, have you?” I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head no. I could tell it turned him on just as much as it did me, and the lovemaking that followed was incredibly intense. He was flooding me with affection that it felt like he’d been holding back for a long time, saving it all for me.

Not just then, but other times too. It just felt so good to feel like I was the only one on the recieving end of all that EMOTION, like he was reserving it for me, while I was reserving my body for him. Even at a party we went to, where he slept with three other women (and me with no one else, I wrote a bit about that one before), each time he would come to me afterwards for what felt like especially mind blowing sex. I loved feeling like I belonged to HIM, and him alone.

I guess that mostly ended after the first time I got pregnant. Maybe that was a big part of what lead up to that for us, subconsciously. Like he once commented, (referring to someone else) pregnancy is like the ultimate “handcuff”. After losing the baby(ies) I felt the need to use logic again and also be sleeping with other men, since we aren’t committed. I wanted to protect my heart, which was getting too involved.

Even now, I have been having a very hard time getting over the emotional hurdle of having sex with other men. I’ve slept with some, but I just can’t seem to open myself up. I’m holding back much more than usual.

All this has helped me understand, at least maybe a little more, the whole cuckhold phenomenon. I’ve always found it kind of baffling, but maybe I get it more than I want to admit, from my own angle. Did you know that there are females that are into that and they are called cuckqueens? You don’t hear a whole lot about that, but I wonder if it is more common than we realize.

It seems like, the little bit you can find online about that sort of thing though, is filled with levels of degradation and humiliation that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not all about that. For me I guess, it’s something different.

Like at the parties before, he has done things like had me suck his dick before he went off and fucked someone else, but nothing about it felt bad. I knew he was coming back to me, tenfold, afterwards.

I once sort of shared my feelings about all this with the Cohort, over a short text. We didn’t talk about it in depth but he brought it up on Valentine’s Day, during my miscarriage and while we were eating at a pizzeria. It wasn’t a good time and I kind of just denied it all and looked away. He tends to probe my feelings and reactions more deeply, but this time he just looked at me quizically and didn’t comment. I think he knows.

It’s just one of those things that is very hard to talk about. It’s like admitting you feel okay with that can be very shameful and embarrassing. I think, with the Cohort, my level of emotional safety was so much higher that I felt I could drop my guard and just be who I am. He would lightly tease me about things of that nature or jokingly call me his “slut slave” but he never took it too far.

There is something super intimate though, about taking it to a deeper level that way. I miss him so much. 😦 At least you all are getting some good writing out of this! 😉

Gone with the wind?

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Yep, you guessed it. Things are going wrong with the Cohort again. Why do I do this? It’s like I can only write when I fear things are falling apart. Yet, so much has happened. He’s not even the only man in my life. I have other stories. It’s not like I’m lacking material. There have been so many interesting experiences, feelings and thoughts coursing through my mind, ones that I WANTED to share with you all, but couldn’t bring myself to.

I’m so caught up in my feelings, that it is hard to write. Even now, I am struggling with deleting and rewriting everything. Help!

I always swore I wasn’t going to be one of those blog writers that just disappears all of a sudden because I got caught up in a relationship. No, not me! Never!! Sigh….

The truth is, I finally understand. I finally know what it feels like to be so in love with someone that it takes over your heart and your mind. There. I admitted it.

I love him. Even if nothing works out between us, even if everyone reading my blog thinks I’m crazy or that he’s some kind of bad person because of the things I have said about him. Even if he or I makes every mistake in the book and I open up our life to the world on here, I’ve said it.

I guess, that is a big part of it all. I’m afraid of opening “us” up to criticism. I’m afraid of anyone saying anything negative about him or my feelings for him and want to protect that. I want to protect him from all you big bad bloggers and people out there that might see his mistakes and failures, instead of the man that I see.

Of course, I want to protect myself too. I want to cover up all my fears and vulnerabilities, so no one can go back later and say “I told you so” when things go wrong. The truth is though, that we are both flawed individuals, just like everyone else out there. He’s not a bad guy with bad intentions, any more than I am a bad person.

The difference between the Cohort and other men, is that I feel like I UNDERSTAND him…and like he understands ME. I’ve never had that with anyone, anywhere, before. That’s not to say I understand his every behavior or action- far from it. He’s a typical, completely baffling at times, male. Yet, somehow, without words, when I search my heart, I just know.

It’s funny that I write these words right now, when he’s in the middle of doing something that seems completely incomprehensible. I’ve been agonizing for days because he has just suddenly disappeared, after spending a wonderful day together. The man who normally calls, texts and wants to see me several times a week has just *poof* pulled a Houdini and vanished into thin air.

What happened? His last text to me was sweet and loving. He thanked me for “being there” on his birthday and being someone he cares about and who he knows cares about him. Then….nothing. I haven’t tried to contact him either because something in me knows its not the right thing to do.

What the heck- right? Who does that to someone they have been seeing for over a year? We’d had a great time, he took me out for lunch and a little shopping, we had great sex (with a condom, he wore a condom with me for the very first time), we cuddled and kissed and were all over each other afterwards while we watched a movie at his place. We ate some of the ice cream cake I had made him for his birthday and he walked me out to my car before I left, to kiss me goodbye, and because it was dark.

He had been talking, in bed, about how he wished he could take me on a vacation and how he wanted to see me later in the week. He was affectionate, looking in my eyes, kissing on my neck, stroking my hair, spooning behind me as we watched a movie and wrapping his arms around me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary or out of place. If anything, he seemed more loving than ever.

So what happened? Where did he go? I know he’s alive. I can see on his business account that he has been shipping things, so he has to be at home, not even on a vacation. I saw him, last night, logged into the swinger site.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions, from fear of abandonment, to anger and just complete confusion. I’ve wondered if this is some kind of cowardly way of “dumping” me, or what? Will I ever hear from him again?

Yet, when I really search my soul, I know it’s okay. Something in me says to trust him, even when he is doing something that many people would be enraged about. That’s not to say it’s easy, but I just know. I know how he gets in his head and overwhelmed by the feelings he has for ME.

It’s kind of like I’ve been feeling about writing in my blog. I want to, I want to reach out, yet I can’t think straight. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. So I put it off and each time I want to do it, I just can’t.

Meanwhile, I go about my life. Sometimes I feel guilty for not writing. Sometimes I crave it but keep putting it off. Its always in the back of my head though, because I really do love writing in my blog, and finally, here I am.

Will I stick around this time? I can’t answer that question. I’m like a non-committal man. I WANT to, really badly, because it feels so good to be here. I came on strong in the beginning, but now I run hot and cold, in and out, unsure of myself because I am unable to handle how I FEEL.

When I come back, each time I realize how much I missed it, and miss you guys! It’s like this huge relief to see the same people commenting again. It feels safe and draws me back in again.

Ahhhh…. this is eye opening. It feels like I know now what to do with the man I love. I’ll let him go and continue to go on about my life. When he comes back I may tell him how it felt while he was gone, but I am not going to hold it against him. No grudges here, because I understand.

I’m not saying I will put up with mistreatment, but also please don’t be too harsh on the Cohort. He’s very much, like me. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in a mirror, like I have found my other half. I feel like this man, is my soul mate, if such a thing exists.

He’s ever so imperfect, but at the same time, so endearing.  He’s so REAL and so full of insecurities and fears, yet so perfect.  Perfect, for ME.  He’s like everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, yet he drives me crazy.  He makes me laugh like no one else, and sometimes, he makes me cry, though I know he feels bad if he does.

I know I could spend the rest of my life with him.  I know I could.  There is NO question in my heart.  He feels like the One.

Would we have a perfect, bump free, life?  Oh HELL no!  Haha  There is just so much to consider.  So many possible pitfalls, so much to overcome.  I just can’t imagine it with anyone else the way I can with him.

Some texts he sent, a couple of weeks ago, after we had a blowout, said this:

“I don’t hate you Lovergirl”

“You’re just very passionate”

“And you are dead wrong…You ARE special to me…. you are probably the woman I truly should be with if I just let myself”

There you have it.  If he just “let himself”.  He’s got this big internal struggle going on over me.  He FEELS like I do, yet he sees my situation as this big, insurmountable obstacle.  He’s still struggling with the fact that I have so many children and my finances aren’t great. Maybe someday he will get over it and just take that leap of faith…and maybe, he won’t.

I guess I just have to trust him, and oddly, for the first time in my life I do. Even when everything that has happened thus far might point other people otherwise.  People might say that he doesn’t love me or he wouldn’t act the way he does, but I don’t believe it.  I FEEL it.  When I dig down, deep inside myself, I KNOW.

So, even though he’s disappeared, for now, I feel safe.  I feel like he will make the decisions he needs to for both of us. Maybe it will mean I never see him again, or maybe not. Somehow I feel good about it, amidst it all. The more I search my heart, the more confident I feel. I’m pervaded with a strange sense of calm. What’s meant to be, will be.

Here we go again….

Twins 4_11_08 2nd Ultrasound

Well, it happened AGAIN. The Cohort and I had ANOTHER miscarriage. Who does that? What 30-something, responsible adults, who are not in an “official” relationship of any kind, go and get pregnant TWICE in a 6 month period? Apparently, us.

There is no appropriate excuse or explanation for it. It just…IS, and somehow, on some deeper level, we BOTH have to want this. We had a talk, shortly after finding out this time, and we both fessed up to the fact that there must be some subconscious pull to have a baby together. Still, it didn’t make it any easier.

Emotions were up, down, all over the place. He went back and forth from telling me that he really, really likes me and would jump on the opportunity to be with me long term if I didn’t have so many kids, to yelling at me to get an abortion. He said I treat him maybe better than any woman he has ever been with. Then said he was worried about being able to financially provide for my whole family and the social implications for him, and even brought up the fact that my other children are white. He said everyone would think he was crazy.

Then he said he’d been thinking. He thought maybe we could have some kind of non-traditional relationship, where we didn’t actually live together. He said he felt like maybe he never really wanted the whole traditional marriage type deal anyway. No matter what, he promised, he would always be there for his child.

Not long after that though, he went back to seeming angry and resentful. I told him I couldn’t handle it and just call me when he could talk without being upset. At some point, we ended up in bed together again, having hot, passionate, emotional sex. We cuddled and kissed and slept together, he came inside me, because he could. He was super affectionate.

Then, he was angry again. The roller coaster was almost too much to take. On Valentines day, it came crashing down to the bottom. I woke up to gushing blood and passed what looked like it may have been twins, in the same sac. He invited me over, and offered comfort and hugs. I had to bring a change of clothes because I was bleeding all over the place and passing clots on the mat in his bathroom.

He cleaned things up and brought me food. He took me out for pizza even though I could barely walk without having to run to the bathroom. He admitted he was sad this time and said that he hadn’t told me, but he had found a home near my house that he was planning to buy.

This sounds like the end, but it wasn’t. Almost a week later, I was still feeling nauseous, my breasts hurt and pregnancy tests kept showing up darker and darker. I was still bleeding and starting to get concerned that maybe I was wrong about having miscarried. My mind and body were playing tricks on me.

I called him, which I probably shouldn’t have, and he got really angry and started accusing me of lying. He said I was trying to “trap” him and that he thought I’d been making up that I had the miscarriage in the first place. He yelled at me that he never wanted a baby with me, to go get an abortion and leave him alone.

I ended up driving to the hospital, dizzy and bleeding, by myself, in a snowstorm. I was terrified. The ER doctors took tests and my hcg level was higher than expected for how far along I would have been. They did a pelvic exam and said my uterus was still enlarged. For a bit there I really started to believe I might still be pregnant.

Then they did an ultrasound. They said there was a lot of leftover tissue, more than what there should be, but no baby. It was possible I was farther along than expected, or it was a multiple pregnancy. I know exactly when I got pregnant because the Cohort had slipped and cum inside of me. This confirmed that it was probably what I thought the first time- twins.

They talked about the possibility of an emergency d&c but decided it was safe to send me home. I was given cytotec, which I never took because of the horror stories I have heard. The doctor said it was okay to do things naturally as long as I returned to the ER if I had pain or heavy bleeding.

Meanwhile, I had texted the Cohort to tell him where I was at and keep him updated. He asked questions via text but never bothered to come to the hospital. I felt scared and alone, and later, resentful and angry. When I expressed this to him, he was quiet, but offered to pay for the medicine and any other medical costs I incurred. He sent me the money via paypal.

He later apologized, but said he decided we should no longer have sex. So that is where we are at. He asked if I would continue to work for him, and I said yes, but we are not hanging out outside of that. I have only seen him once since then and he didn’t even hug me. We were working and talked to each other but he was obviously trying to keep his physical distance.

I’m hurt. I said I was sad and he says he is too. He says he just doesn’t think its a good idea if our relationship isn’t “going anywhere”. I guess its just too tempting to impregnate me.

The past few weekends, he’s avoided calling. Even this weekend, my kids were away at their dads, but we didn’t see one another. Still, he sends me random texts and calls sometimes for “work” purposes that really aren’t necessary. I don’t know what is going to come out of it all, but I miss him.

It feels bad to feel like I got dumped because I had a miscarriage. 😦 I’m trying to get out there and date a little bit, but haven’t really felt like having sex. The married man, when I told him I had a miscarriage, was all over that. He said “you want a baby? I’ll give you one”. Yikes! He WAS the one that once offered me $3000 a month to have his child. Now I’m kind of scared to have sex with him, lol.

It’s not been too long since I have slept with the Host (who has a vasectomy), the Pilot or Mr. Firm (he wore a condom but WOW that was hot- I think he may have earned the new position of best in bed ever, I’m not as enamored with sex with the Married Man as I used to be). There was another new guy for a bit, he was boring but he bought me some $200 boots and nice perfume. Still, I’m emotionally pretty caught up with the Cohort still and its hard to let go. I guess I am still hoping he will change his mind and want something real with me.

Maybe its hopeless, but something inside me says he’s the right man for me, like for life. Am I crazy?  Can I really be so wrong?  I know he still cares, even though he tries to hide it.  He finds reasons and excuses to contact me.  I just don’t know if I am dreaming of something that can never be.

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time writing in my blog lately is because I am SO AFRAID of how intense my feelings are this time around.  I’m afraid of putting it all out there and risking that vulnerability, admitting how I really feel, admitting I want something so badly.  What if I say all this and it all comes crashing down?  What if I’m wrong? What if I announce to the world how much I love someone and it turns out they really DON’T give a fuck about me?

Well, I decided to write anyway.  Thank you Mr. Firm, for encouraging me 😉 and all the others who keep asking why I don’t write.  Here I go again….

To everything there is a season…

pregnantheart

I’m still alive! It’s been over 2 months since I have written in my blog and I have missed it. There are some reasons that I have been holding back, and it’s more than just being busy. I think my emotions got the best of me, to the point where I was almost AFRAID to write about it.

I’ve been scared to admit, even to myself, just how hard I’ve fallen for the Cohort. Somehow, even writing it down, makes me feel really vulnerable. I’m going to be brave here though, and admit that I really, really like him. The married man asked if I love him (he can tell my behavior has changed, and wanted to know what was up) and I still didn’t want to use those words, but yeah, I’m in pretty deep.

I know, there have been others. Some of you all will remember the Professor. I don’t think that’s even close to comparable to this situation though. I mean, I’m looking at this man and thinking IF (big IF) he wanted it (and I’m still unsure about his true feelings on the matter), I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him, open OR monogamous.

In the past couple of months, since I last wrote in my blog, I have only slept with the married man one other time. It was at his house, in his home office, during the day. I was on his desk, bent over the desk, and laying on the desk with my head on his computer keyboard, lol. It was fun, but my heart, is elsewhere. He can tell. He’s like why don’t you want to meet up as often, you are seeing someone aren’t you?

I’ve gone on dates a few times, and there is even this guy that keeps buying me flowers and wants to be my boyfriend, but I’m just not feeling it. Different men have tried to resurface from my past (like the guy who originally introduced me to the swinger site) and I went out to lunch with them or something, but just wasn’t interested.

Actually, it’s probably a good thing I haven’t been having sex with others, because something happened recently with the Cohort and I was very thankful that there was no question in my mind about other men. He got me pregnant.

I knew, the moment he came inside me, that it was a possibility. It was right in the middle of my cycle and I was insanely horny. We were having that great, babymaking, kind of sex and he surprised me by not pulling out. We then went on to fuck like 7 more times in a row (though he did pull out then).

For the next couple of weeks, I noted the symptoms I was having and something in me just knew. Sure enough, right before my period was due, I got a light positive on a pregnancy test. I took two more tests, wanting to be 100% sure before telling him. All positive.

What’s funny, is that, before I found out for sure, it was in the back of my head, but I didn’t say anything. Still, it almost felt like the Cohort knew. He denies knowing a thing, so maybe it was all subconscious, but some of the things he said that couple of weeks were interesting. Like, he made comments on how “fertile” I am and that made me wonder. Then he took me out one night for crab legs, which I’d never eaten before, but they are high in folic acid (especially great for older pregnant moms) followed by ice cream (calcium of course)! It was almost like he was instinctually taking care of his unborn baby (and we didn’t even have sex that night).

The night I told him, I was actually on a date with another guy. It was a second date, one that most likely would have turned into sex, had I not found out just before. I didn’t want to stand the poor guy up because he’d been super nice, but I wasn’t there emotionally. Add that the Cohort knew I was with him, and had asked me to clean up and come over and fuck HIM when I was done, and yeah, I was totally “elsewhere”. I wanted out of there so badly, even though it wasn’t a bad date and the guy seemed cool otherwise. Just, he was totally freaking me out telling me he wanted me to commit to him and not see any other men!

I later explained to the guy why I had acted the way I did, wouldn’t drink alcohol and left without the roses he bought for me. He STILL tried to get me to come back, saying he wanted to “be there” for me through it all. Heck, the guy is still texting me asking me on dates, and I feel like I have treated him pretty poorly. Emotionally, I just couldn’t do it.

In any case, I didn’t sleep with him and I went straight to the Cohort’s afterwards. I showed him a positive test. He was freaked out, as was I, but he still asked me to stay the night. We had sex, and this time, he was free to cum in me all that he wanted. A lot of that night though, was spent just staring at each other like, “what now??”

The next week was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. He was really stressed out and upset, worried about things like finances and what others would think. He even suggested abortion, which had me crushed, because its something I know I could never do. I shed a lot of tears, and the pregnancy finally ended in a miscarriage anyway. 😦

Through it all, I was encouraged, because despite his comments otherwise, I could see and feel that no matter what, should the baby have been born, he would have been there and taken raising a child with me seriously. He later told me he was worried about things like making sure my other kids and I had a bigger house and a better standard of living, that he felt like it would be unfair to them if he only focused on the baby he would be having with me. He said he couldn’t be one of these dads that just threw a couple hundred dollars and some diapers at me every month. I definitely saw him at some low points but he never tried to point blame and he was firmly “there” for me the entire time, despite fluctuating emotions.

I think, ultimately, the experience drew us closer together. He told me afterwards that my kindness and understanding towards him even when he wasn’t being very nice himself, showed him what kind of a person I really am and that he really appreciated that. Recently he made a comment about how maybe he and I will be seeing each other for a long time. I guess only time will tell if that comes to pass.

I am sad to have lost a baby, but with the grief also comes some relief. It was not under the best circumstances or timing.

I also had an interesting, and somewhat comforting, dream the other night. In my dream I was in the Cohort’s childhood home (which I’ve never seen), talking to his mother (who passed away a couple years ago, I’ve never even seen a picture). She was showing me a blanket she had stitched the Cohort’s name onto, and the date. The blanket had trains on it and she patiently demonstrated the technique she had used to put this important information on, with a blue thread. It FELT as though she were saying to let him know (pointing out his name) the baby was with her, wrapped in the blanket, and that she was taking care of things.

In any case, we are back to having sex and continuing whatever it is we have with each other. My kids were at their dads this weekend and I spent the night with the Cohort. We had sex at least 10 times in a 24 hour period, lol, plus a nice dinner, a lovely brunch, and spent some hours working together. I’m not really sure what the future holds but I am watching things develop with this man, and wondering.

They’re baaacck!! ;)

he's back

Well, I am moved to the big city!! So far, so good, and I am happy here. It’s like night and day from where I was living before. A few things suck, like the maintenance issues I have been dealing with regarding my new place, and the fact that it’s like two more weeks before they will hook up my internet. However, all that should only be temporary. If you are reading this, its because I managed to use my phone as a hot spot long enough to post, lol. 😉

In the men department, of course, many things have changed. I kind of left a few guys in the dust when I bailed town. Some of them weren’t too happy about it. Others, I’m not as sure. I’ve been having some issues with my phone not recieving texts, which may have made my departure seem even colder than it was meant to be.

I debated and debated with myself about contacting the married man when I moved up here. I didn’t want to be the one to cause him to stumble, but it was sooo tempting to want to text and be like “hey neighbor” to let him know I was in town and close by. Turns out I didn’t have to. 😉 HE contacted ME, out of the blue, the Friday before I was set to move!!

His text read “come to *the City* this weekend and let me make it up to you”. When I told him I was MOVING up that weekend he was in shock, lol, and totally excited! He said “you just made my day”. 😉 He was profusely apologetic for what happened the last time, when we didn’t have sex due to his guilt, and said that things aren’t what “he thought” at home. Whatever that means…. I didn’t ask.

After he found out about my move, he started in with some demands. He said now that I am coming his way I need to know that he doesn’t like to share with other men. According to him, he planned to have me so “touched out” I wouldn’t need anyone else anyway. Then he started getting onto me about the swinger parties (which he never did when I wasn’t close by) and claiming he was worried about std’s.

I’m pretty sure that is not the case. I mean this is a guy who fucked me bareback, within minutes of meeting me the first time, off Craigslist, lol. Whatever. He was sooo “concerned” that he put on a condom this time though, for about 30 seconds, before ripping it off and throwing it on the floor.

It was weird though, the sex this time wasn’t all that great. I mean, it was still good, but nothing like I remember. It was pretty much like fucking any other guy. I’m not really sure what it was, if it was me, or him, or just a change in the chemistry. I admit to being a little bit irritated with him beforehand too, about his attitude, and because he showed up WAY later than expected and kept saying he’d be there in a little bit. Maybe emotionally I was just put off. Not sure what was going on there.

He’d been pushing hard to see me that night and I was putting him off because I’d already invited Mr. Firm to come help me christen my new house. 😉 We didn’t have plans set in stone or anything, it was just a maybe, but the Married Man had contacted me after, so he was kind of the backup plan. When he started exhibiting all the typical madonna/whore stuff, and I’d been all happy chatting with Mr. Firm, who doesn’t do that, right before….he just seemed less exciting, or something.

I will say though, that I am still impressed with Mr. Married Man’s ability to unsnap a bra strap with more ease than I’ve ever seen anyone do it in my life, lmao. I’m like how does he DO that?? He can get it off even more easily than me, with one hand, in like half a second.

He seemed super tall to me for some reason too. Maybe because I wasn’t wearing heels for a change. I was in socks when he came to the door and he seemed like a giant when he had to bend down to kiss me lol. He’s 6’1″, just seemed bigger than he used to be. It HAS been over a year since we last slept together and the last time I saw him he was seated in his car.

The other returning man has been the Pilot!! We’ve still kept in touch all this time, but it has mostly been sporadic. He had told me at some point that he was falling for a woman at work and thinking about something serious with her, which totally turned me off. I told him I didn’t want to be fucking him in that situation and he thought that I was being dramatic. It just bothered me, and I didn’t want to be put again into a situation like I was with the Professor, or the Producer, or any of these guys where I ended up getting hurt because they wanted to treat me as second best.

Anyhow, when he heard I was moving his direction, he made it clear he’d like to spend some more time with me again. I didn’t even ask about the other woman. It had been months ago when he mentioned that. He invited me to be his partner for this group where they were supposed to be having “orgies during the day” at lunchtime, once or twice a month. I was unsure but agreed to come to the meet and greet and check it out.

He came to pick me up and my 22 year old sister was here to babysit. We were both dressed up and pretending to be going to some sort of a luncheon. My sister later said to me “OMG, he’s cute AND he has a nice car, I need to hang out with you more often!!” LOL

Anyhow, he’d asked me to wear a dress, with the plan being that we would meet these people then find a place to fuck each other after. So I was in a short, shiny, silver, tank dress and heels. He kept telling me I looked especially hot. He also was “warning” me about things now that I am living closer to the big city swinger scene. He said to be careful.

I couldn’t really get him to be specific, so not sure what he meant, but he was concerned about me being a single woman and how the guys would act now that I’m living up here. I told him I’d gone to some of the Host’s parties (he knows him) and he didn’t really like that. He said he doesn’t like to compete, and mostly stays away from that sort of thing (which I don’t really get because here we are on our way to an orgy group…).

We showed up at the meeting spot, which was a park gazebo, yet nobody arrived. I have no idea where he “met” these folks online, but it wasn’t the swinger site. I’m suspecting Craigslist, because he was vague when I asked and I’ve had another “orgy party” that failed through there too once, with the Prof. He had also informed me that we were using fake names for this party beforehand.

I don’t think either one of us was too terribly disappointed that it didn’t work out. He’d given me some fair warning beforehand that it might not. After about 20 minutes we got back in the car to find a place to have fun on our own.

He kept driving in circles, checking out parking lot after parking lot. I suspect it was mostly because he wanted to talk. He started telling me about this woman again. He still has feelings for her but they have only had sex once. He’s her boss at work and he’s had some issues there with gossip lately. It sounds like a mess and he’s obviously got it bad.

He said he was surprised I didn’t ask about her and I didn’t comment. Her name, he told me, is almost the same as mine. :p She told him her “tarot card reader” said she shouldn’t mess with him anymore and has some issue with an extremely abusive ex boyfriend. She had just texted him that day though, to ask him to come see her new house (she is moving too) and he wanted to know if I thought that meant she wanted to start seeing him again. SMH…

Anyway, it was kind of starting to kill the mood and I’m wondering if we are even going to have sex. He did sort of apologize and comment on that right before. He was like “this probably isn’t a good time to be discussing this”. Ya think?? 😛

After driving me through a million parking lots and pointing out a club he said he was wanting to show me that is “Lifestyle friendly but not a Lifestyle club” we finally settled on what looked like the parking lot of a nursing home. Right smack dab in the middle of it. There was no one around, though I suppose anyone could have looked out their window, lmao.

He came around and stood next to the passenger side of the car, unbuckling his pants. I sucked his dick. Then he had me get out and bend over the seat while he fucked me a little bit from behind. It felt really good but after a few minutes he started to get uneasy and wanted to move to another place.

We drove to the back side of the parking lot of a large health club and went at it again. This time he was in a better position to see who was coming and going. I have to admit it was pretty hot. He kept saying “God you are sooo wet”. He asked me where I wanted him to cum and I said anywhere but inside me. So he told me to turn around and take it in my mouth. He came a lot and I managed to swallow most of it, though I got a bit in my hair and on my arm.

Then he drove me home and we talked some more. I just don’t know. The whole thing still bothers me. I guess maybe it shouldn’t, but it makes me feel used. I didn’t tell him any of that though.

Maybe I’ve just been emotional lately (recently finished my period) but I got to thinking about it a lot and why it bugs me so much. On one hand I do enjoy casual sex and I am fine with it with some people, but I still really crave a close emotional relationship with SOMEONE.

All the current men in my life…they already have someone who they are “in love” with, but it isn’t me. I even met and had sex with a new guy the other day, and he seems like he has someone already too. He was trying to tell me we are going to have threesomes, and I noticed when he was showing me pictures on his phone that this one girl’s face just kept popping up.

Theres really not a lot to tell about that guy, lol. I met him on Plenty of Fish. He’s some kind of a golf star and has trophies all over the place and pictures of himself in “Golf Digest”. He lasted about 30 seconds in bed and then maybe a couple minutes for the second round. We had dinner at his house and he cooked me some ribs, macaroni and bbq beans, lol. It was good and then he wanted a massage. He seemed a little selfish overall, and crazy, because he was telling me I need a mixed baby and that maybe in a couple of years he and I could have one (!!). However, he has been nice in offering to have someone who works for him (he owns an auto shop) come look at the A/C in my vehicle. I don’t know, not super into him but may give it another try. I’m not too keen on the threesome idea though.

Anyway, I guess I’m just feeling a little unloved. Its not like I have time to devote to a real relationship and I realize that, but I do ache for some attention and affection, in more ways than just sex. I think I’m lovable, but I’m not sure anyone else sees it.

Society says men only fall in love with you if you don’t sleep with them and I’m not sure there isn’t some truth behind that. Trying to play that game though, seems so fake. I guess I just want someone to be able to see me for who I am and fall in love with that, instead of an image I put forth to “trick” them into something. I’m not holding my breath. :p