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To everything there is a season…

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I’m still alive! It’s been over 2 months since I have written in my blog and I have missed it. There are some reasons that I have been holding back, and it’s more than just being busy. I think my emotions got the best of me, to the point where I was almost AFRAID to write about it.

I’ve been scared to admit, even to myself, just how hard I’ve fallen for the Cohort. Somehow, even writing it down, makes me feel really vulnerable. I’m going to be brave here though, and admit that I really, really like him. The married man asked if I love him (he can tell my behavior has changed, and wanted to know what was up) and I still didn’t want to use those words, but yeah, I’m in pretty deep.

I know, there have been others. Some of you all will remember the Professor. I don’t think that’s even close to comparable to this situation though. I mean, I’m looking at this man and thinking IF (big IF) he wanted it (and I’m still unsure about his true feelings on the matter), I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him, open OR monogamous.

In the past couple of months, since I last wrote in my blog, I have only slept with the married man one other time. It was at his house, in his home office, during the day. I was on his desk, bent over the desk, and laying on the desk with my head on his computer keyboard, lol. It was fun, but my heart, is elsewhere. He can tell. He’s like why don’t you want to meet up as often, you are seeing someone aren’t you?

I’ve gone on dates a few times, and there is even this guy that keeps buying me flowers and wants to be my boyfriend, but I’m just not feeling it. Different men have tried to resurface from my past (like the guy who originally introduced me to the swinger site) and I went out to lunch with them or something, but just wasn’t interested.

Actually, it’s probably a good thing I haven’t been having sex with others, because something happened recently with the Cohort and I was very thankful that there was no question in my mind about other men. He got me pregnant.

I knew, the moment he came inside me, that it was a possibility. It was right in the middle of my cycle and I was insanely horny. We were having that great, babymaking, kind of sex and he surprised me by not pulling out. We then went on to fuck like 7 more times in a row (though he did pull out then).

For the next couple of weeks, I noted the symptoms I was having and something in me just knew. Sure enough, right before my period was due, I got a light positive on a pregnancy test. I took two more tests, wanting to be 100% sure before telling him. All positive.

What’s funny, is that, before I found out for sure, it was in the back of my head, but I didn’t say anything. Still, it almost felt like the Cohort knew. He denies knowing a thing, so maybe it was all subconscious, but some of the things he said that couple of weeks were interesting. Like, he made comments on how “fertile” I am and that made me wonder. Then he took me out one night for crab legs, which I’d never eaten before, but they are high in folic acid (especially great for older pregnant moms) followed by ice cream (calcium of course)! It was almost like he was instinctually taking care of his unborn baby (and we didn’t even have sex that night).

The night I told him, I was actually on a date with another guy. It was a second date, one that most likely would have turned into sex, had I not found out just before. I didn’t want to stand the poor guy up because he’d been super nice, but I wasn’t there emotionally. Add that the Cohort knew I was with him, and had asked me to clean up and come over and fuck HIM when I was done, and yeah, I was totally “elsewhere”. I wanted out of there so badly, even though it wasn’t a bad date and the guy seemed cool otherwise. Just, he was totally freaking me out telling me he wanted me to commit to him and not see any other men!

I later explained to the guy why I had acted the way I did, wouldn’t drink alcohol and left without the roses he bought for me. He STILL tried to get me to come back, saying he wanted to “be there” for me through it all. Heck, the guy is still texting me asking me on dates, and I feel like I have treated him pretty poorly. Emotionally, I just couldn’t do it.

In any case, I didn’t sleep with him and I went straight to the Cohort’s afterwards. I showed him a positive test. He was freaked out, as was I, but he still asked me to stay the night. We had sex, and this time, he was free to cum in me all that he wanted. A lot of that night though, was spent just staring at each other like, “what now??”

The next week was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. He was really stressed out and upset, worried about things like finances and what others would think. He even suggested abortion, which had me crushed, because its something I know I could never do. I shed a lot of tears, and the pregnancy finally ended in a miscarriage anyway. 😦

Through it all, I was encouraged, because despite his comments otherwise, I could see and feel that no matter what, should the baby have been born, he would have been there and taken raising a child with me seriously. He later told me he was worried about things like making sure my other kids and I had a bigger house and a better standard of living, that he felt like it would be unfair to them if he only focused on the baby he would be having with me. He said he couldn’t be one of these dads that just threw a couple hundred dollars and some diapers at me every month. I definitely saw him at some low points but he never tried to point blame and he was firmly “there” for me the entire time, despite fluctuating emotions.

I think, ultimately, the experience drew us closer together. He told me afterwards that my kindness and understanding towards him even when he wasn’t being very nice himself, showed him what kind of a person I really am and that he really appreciated that. Recently he made a comment about how maybe he and I will be seeing each other for a long time. I guess only time will tell if that comes to pass.

I am sad to have lost a baby, but with the grief also comes some relief. It was not under the best circumstances or timing.

I also had an interesting, and somewhat comforting, dream the other night. In my dream I was in the Cohort’s childhood home (which I’ve never seen), talking to his mother (who passed away a couple years ago, I’ve never even seen a picture). She was showing me a blanket she had stitched the Cohort’s name onto, and the date. The blanket had trains on it and she patiently demonstrated the technique she had used to put this important information on, with a blue thread. It FELT as though she were saying to let him know (pointing out his name) the baby was with her, wrapped in the blanket, and that she was taking care of things.

In any case, we are back to having sex and continuing whatever it is we have with each other. My kids were at their dads this weekend and I spent the night with the Cohort. We had sex at least 10 times in a 24 hour period, lol, plus a nice dinner, a lovely brunch, and spent some hours working together. I’m not really sure what the future holds but I am watching things develop with this man, and wondering.

My DREAM open relationship

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All this relationship talk about the Cohort has me pondering some things lately. I’ve been thinking about what it is that I really WANT, what my DREAM relationship would look like, and what I think I could handle. I am pretty sure, at this point in my life, that a traditional monogamous thing wouldn’t be for me. Yet, there are things I crave that you can’t find just fucking around all the time.

The Cohort and I have been having some interesting discussions. He KEEPS bringing up marriage and babies, which has me pretty confused because he also is still saying he can’t handle that with me, due to my kids. It’s like, okay, then why do you keep talking about it??? Of course, I come as a package deal and he knows that.

I really like him too, which is not helping me think straight!! I mean, I like him enough that, yes, I could see those things with him for sure, just not in a “traditional” way. Not because of him, necessarily, but because of both of us, and our inclinations to have sex with different people. I don’t see us getting seriously monogamous and being able to sustain that for any length of time.

He took me out to lunch, recently, and sat there and asked me if I could handle having another baby. I said “not as a single mom”. He was like (dead serious) “NO LOVERGIRL, that is NOT what I asked you”. Uhhhh… yeah that would be a totally different scenario than what I have going on now!

Then we got into this long discussion another night where he again reiterated that he didn’t feel he could take on the responsibilities involved with raising my kids. Again, I have never asked him to do this, but the topic keeps coming up. So I asked him if he meant “NEVER” and he hesitated and said probably never. Boundary set, right? I’m STILL not 100% sure due to his seemingly contradictory behavior.

He admitted to having feelings for me. He says he just doesn’t want to take it to THAT level and I do understand that. So, I’m acting accordingly. Still he calls and texts me a lot and we spend a lot of time together, doing a lot of relationship type stuff. Oh, and he clearly wants to get married and have babies…with SOMEONE!

Anyhow, he also brought up swinging and that he felt bad that I didn’t play at some of the parties. He said he wanted me to be able to have fun too. I had to let him know that I DID have fun, that there really weren’t guys at the one party that I wanted to play with anyhow and that I don’t think like a man. Yes, I like sex but I’m not there to fuck as many people as possible in one night, unless I actually find them attractive.

As for the other party, I admitted that the Host had said he didn’t feel we could play with him there. He didn’t like that but understood about guys not wanting to step on his toes. He said we would have to find a way to make it clear to people when it is okay, but that he also feels uncomfortable with “inviting” other men to fuck me. Still, he is adamant that he would like to see me be able to play too. So I think there is hope for us sometimes at these parties. 😉

I probably was too worried about his reaction to me playing, due to my experiences with other guys. He may be totally okay with it all. He said he’d been a little concerned that my not playing meant I was hoping for him to reciprocate and I said no, that wasn’t it at all. It’s not, I’ve actually not been bothered by him playing with other women, thus far, probably because I am totally sure he likes ME so I don’t feel threatened. According to him, he wants me to tell him if I ever DO feel jealous, which kind of sounds like a bad idea, lol, but I guess we will see if that ever happens.

All of these discussions, plus a wedding that the Cohort attended this weekend (he kept talking about it beforehand),all had me thinking about what I would REALLY want, if I could snap my fingers and have that perfect, dream scenario. I don’t think my little dream is THAT unique, since I have heard of others wanting something similar, but it’s definitely not “traditional”.

I shared it with the Cohort, with the caveat that I wasn’t expecting HIM to fulfill any of this. He liked it and said it was interesting, he could relate to a lot of it. I think I may have shocked him a little. Sometimes, I think people know what and how I am thinking, and forget that they really don’t. He was surprised when I told him before, that I wasn’t on the lookout for something monogamous. SMFH

What I said was that in my dream world, I would be in a serious, but not monogamous, relationship with Mr. Dream Guy, whoever that may be. He would be someone that wanted and could handle living with me and my children (eventually) and who would treat them well. To the outside world, it would look and seem like a typical relationship, we might even get married.

However, we would both have the freedom to play as we wanted with other people. No one would know this, of course, except maybe really close friends and, of course, the people we were playing with.

I said I would probably have a couple of guys that I played with occasionally, besides him. They would be tried and true people, that I knew were cool and could be trusted and fun in bed. (Of course, when I told this to the Cohort he focused on this, of all things- haha- he was like, you want guys who can bang you well!!) The guy would be able to play with whoever too, but we would put each other first.

Of course he would have to like ME the best and we would have to be really into each OTHER. We wouldn’t let other people get crazy attached or cause any issues. I would prefer if he weren’t TOO attached to the other women, but I also wouldn’t want him to be a jerk to them or treat them badly or anything. Just, they would have to know boundaries and so would the guys.

I’d want some emotional exclusivity, though not sexual. I think I would want us to tell each other what we were up to in GENERAL but maybe not notify every time we were playing. Occasionally, we would do something wild, just for fun… a swinger party or some group sex TOGETHER.

BUT we’d do the whole family thing too! Maybe even have a baby or two (I know people think that’s crazy but I’d happily have more babies if I had the money and a supportive husband/co-parent). The kids wouldn’t know what was up and we wouldn’t play with others at our house. That would have to be at hotels, or their house or parking garages or whatever else we could come up with. If we could afford it, even maybe a small apartment for that purpose that we sometimes went to together too, just for fun. 🙂

Of course we’d both be totally okay with everything and trust each other and communicate. I’m sure if I were pregnant and having babies I’d slow down on playing some but we’d still have an open agreement. We would also make sure to spend time together, and go out at least once or twice a week but we would be able to have our space and hang out with the girls/guys and do some other things without each other too.

I also told him that if I got married again I think I’d skip a lot of the stress and just go elope on a beach somewhere or something. I had the whole traditional wedding the first time around and I couldn’t wait for it to be over and go on my honeymoon. Way too much work, stress and money that was basically to please other people, in my case! He said he thought either a beach or that it would be fun to get married at a nice hotel in Vegas, that he’d seen some simple but elegant weddings done there before. ANYHOW, he wasn’t referring to anyone in particular, I don’t think, just threw that one in there. LOL

I finally decided to tell him all this stuff, not because I expect HIM to be a part of it but because I wanted to be honest about what I really want. Honest with myself, and with others. Right now, to me, that is what sounds like a dream. I don’t know that I could ever find it or that a guy would be TOTALLY on board with all of it, but hey, its a nice little fantasy. Who knows? 😉

I am so a city girl ;)

Ahhhh….life in the city. Despite all the setbacks with moving here, I am loving it! It immediately felt like home to me, and the little suburb we are in just really fits.

I’m so close to all these things I’ve never had a chance to do or try, stuff that it seems pretty much everyone else living in the real world has done. I was so sheltered for so long, and even though my teen years were wild, I was still pretty young when I met and started dating my ex husband. I was married and had completely STOPPED drinking before I ever turned 21, lol. Some of the men I have spoken with here have been shocked that I’ve never been to a casino, a karaoke bar, a comedy show, or any of a myriad of other basics that I missed out on during all those years I was living in a radically religious environment.

I’m like a kid in a candy store, only I’m held back a bit because I have actual kids. So my time is limited. My responsibilities haven’t changed, though I do have family nearby and more options for babysitting. Even though I love to play, my children are still a priority.

Well, money holds me back too, lol, but I’ve been beginning to discover that there are seemingly men all around in this lovely metropolis that have plenty of it to share. 😉 In fact, I went out with a man yesterday who paid $45 to have my laundry done for me so I wouldn’t “have to sit in the laundromat” (my dryer broke and I am waiting on a new one to arrive). He also took me out to lunch and tonight he wants to take me to a casino, possibly in one of the limo’s he says his business owns. I’m assuming I get to play with his money, and he is getting a room there as well. ::: squeal :::

This guy is kind of an interesting situation. I met him on Craigslist, where he was looking for a submissive, white, female, but he is on the swinger site as well and I had seen his profile before (though there are no pics). It says he is 49, but I am suspecting he may be a little older. He was different, in that he wasn’t looking to play with married women, but only single ones. His swinger profile says something about wanting a poly relationship.

Over lunch he made a comment about another woman he is seeing. He later told me he would like for me to meet her, but that there will be no pressure to play together, its entirely up to us. He’s actually been pretty cool so far about being fine with me doing whatever I want as well.

He’s decent enough looking, if older, and owns his own business, which clearly makes some bank. He was talking about how he likes to do things for people and wants to know what I’m dealing with because he may be able to “help out” in some way or another. According to him, he told one woman he is not a “sugar daddy” but then he is kind of belying that with his behavior. So I guess we will see. I’m not trying to take advantage of anyone but if he wants to pay for stuff I am totally cool with that!! 😉

He even mentioned the possibility of buying me a new phone! Mine is having major issues so that would definitely be nice! I’m not getting half my texts and some aren’t going out. It is driving me crazy! It really messes up communication with people and kind of fucks with my abandonment issues (as well as others). I’m trying to keep my cool and figuring the people who want to stay in my life will, regardless.

His voice sounds an awful lot like The Professor’s. Kinda funny. In a way I sort of like that. I wonder what he will be like in bed??

I’ve not had as much sex as you might expect, so far, living here, but I have been super busy with life in general. I did sleep with the Host once since I have been here and most recently I met another new man. He is an interesting situation as well!

This guy, I also met on Craigslist. I did a little browsing and responded to a few different ads the other day. 😉 Turns out he is a guy who had ALSO hit me up recently on the swinger site. Damn, us sex addicts are always on all the sites, lmao.

Anyhow, this one I had actually responded to, and he had emailed back but we just hadn’t taken it further yet and then we met on Craigslist. Kinda funny. He too, was specifically seeking out white girls. What’s REALLY funny is that it turns out he used to date a girl I went to high school with!

She is blonde, short and curvy and has a very pretty face. I think she may have been a cheerleader. I remember her from back in the day because she was running around with some of the same crowd and dating some of the same guys that I was. We weren’t personally good friends or anything but I don’t have anything against her.

Still competing with the same girls I was in high school, for the same guys though, lol, how fucked up is that?? I’m in a totally different city, HE is in a totally different city than either of us, wtf?? Hahaha What’s even funnier is that very recently I have seen a lot of pics of her on Facebook, because she is working with one of my GIRLS from back in the day, peddling a beauty product.

This girlfriend of mine and I used to get into hella trouble, so I know she is no angel, lolol. In fact I had halfway considered getting her to come to some swinger parties with me when I ran into her again on Facebook. She is a tall, slender but curvy, black girl that is now rocking her natural hair and has always been a fashion queen. She used to CRACK me up at parties with her side comments to me about things people were wearing. Things I would never even notice, like the fact that some guy had come with a rope holding up his pants instead of a belt, lmao. She’d be all under her breath “would you check out THE BELT” and have me on the verge of spitting out my drink. Hahahaha

We grew up on the poor side of town and none of us had money, but her mom was a crackhead and her dad was homeless. Her mom had these giant wine glasses in the house that were the size of your head and we used to steal them to go to keg parties where you had to pay for your beer by the cup. Somehow we managed to get away with it, lol, and ended up with a free beer buffet.

She also used to do all her makeup at the store. Like, we’d walk in and she’d be opening up packages and just put on her face right there plus a little perfume. Haha… Somehow she never got caught and always ended up looking good. We’ve all grown up, but I’m not sure she isn’t still a klepto, especially when it comes to clothes.

I love her to death but I’m not sure hanging out with her at this point in my life would be a good idea, lol. I also know how she is about guys and she likes the pretty ones…really good looking but super conceited and complete assholes. I haven’t seen a whole lot of her “type” at the swinger parties.

Anyhow, this guy said he was with the BOTH of them this past weekend, his ex and my friend. He said they were at a bar and my friend got stood up by some guy and was pissed. Yep…I told you, she likes the assholes, lol. She even dated the guy I refer to as “The Asshole” in some of my other posts, a former fuck buddy of mine, for a bit. Never!! I couldn’t stand him like that! 

Not sure what that means with this guy and his ex/”friend” but I don’t really care. I told him just not to tell them where he met me and he was like “uh, same to you” LMAO. It did make him seem like a safer option than some of the other guys I had talked with off Craigslist and I ended up hanging with him. I even accidentally stood up another guy I had planned to meet later, at a hotel. Ooops!! I got a little occupied and totally forgot!!

He took me out for dinner and drinks at a very nice restaurant in the heart of the city. We talked a lot and I got a little tipsy and we went to a hotel around the corner. He ran in to see how much it cost and said it was a lot but he told the guy at the front counter “fuck it, it’s worth it” and paid. 😉

This guy working there was a trip. He was a young black man, maybe in his 20’s, with dreads. After the guy I was with went in the restroom, he kept asking me about what we were up to that night. He was like “you two are gonna kick it aren’t you?” alluding to the fact that he knew we were about to have sex. Well, yeah, no luggage, Sunday night…last minute…um…

Then I ran into the restroom and when I came out the guy I came with was like “that guy is really interested in you, and he kept asking me if we were going to ‘kick it'”. LMFAO!

In any case, the sex was pretty good. He was maybe not quite as dominant in bed as I would have liked but I did get to cum. He kept stopping right before I would cum several times and was trying to hush me a bit, which I hate, but whatever. For the most part it was good and he was good with his tongue and fingers too, which I haven’t had much of lately so I was enjoying that. 😉 He wants to meet up again later this week.

I’ve been talking to some more guys but I don’t have time to explain that all at the moment. We will wait until something actually happens. 😉

What lies ahead?

Hi everyone!  Hope you are having a fabulous 2014 so far!  My New Year started with a bang! Almost literally, and I don’t mean the sexual kind, lol.  I got into a little fender bender, but all is well. It’s the other person’s fault, so yay for insurance companies!! Things should be up and running again soon. Same goes for my laptop.  I am still without, but the warranty company has offered to pay for a new one.  😉  It’s just a matter of time.

Boring stuff aside, I have some exciting news!!  It looks like 2014 is going to be the year I move to the big city!  Bye, bye backwards small town life and hello to a whole new world of opportunity!  Actually, it’s a small town too, but on the outskirts of a big city, so a lot more to do and close to the hubbub, but not too close for comfort.  I’ll be closer to my family as well, but not right up under them, which is probably a good thing.

Guess who else I’ll be closer to?  The Host, the Bodybuilder, Mr. Firm and even the Married Man (should he ever change his mind).  Heck, the Pilot lives up that way and so does the guy I had the affair with, though I have no plans to see either of them.  Really, there’s not much of anyone left here.  Well, minus the Professor.  He’s kind of resurfaced lately and even brought my family some groceries the other day when we were stuck at home and couldn’t get to the store. 

Oddly enough, he doesn’t seem to want to have sex.  At least he’s being nice but I really don’t get it.  I’m kind of hoping he will change his mind.  It would be rather convenient if I had someone here for when I bring the kids back to see their dad. 😉

I told my ex I was thinking of leaving and, as suspected, he didn’t protest.  I even went out of my way to ask him how he feels about it and if he would be alright with not seeing the children frequently.  He didn’t seem to care.  It really makes me sad, yet at the same time, I am glad we at least have the ability to move.   The crazy thing is, I will probably have loads more support with family nearby than I ever had from him, when it comes to our kids. 

I guess some things are just bittersweet.  I never dreamed, when I married my ex husband, that he would turn out to be the kind of person he has.  My impression of him was that he’d be a great family man. In fact, that is one of the reasons I chose to marry him.  I am so disappointed and still mad at myself for being so blind.  It hurts to see my kids facing his rejection.  Even worse than it hurts that he didn’t love me or want to have sex.

In any case, I feel strongly that this move is meant to be.  I’d been considering it for awhile and when I went to talk to my landlord about something entirely different, he broke the news that he is wanting to sell our house when the lease is up.  The timing is perfect, what with my fuck buddy moving away and pretty much all ties here being broken.

So wish me luck!  My success here has been negative lately, lol.  This past weekend Craigslist was dead and I’ve not been too impressed with the guys on the dating sites either.  Perhaps it’s the weather but I’m also taking it as a sign that it is time to move on. I’ve yet to have sex in 2014, but don’t worry, I have another party planned soon ;).

I admit to having taken a peek at the Craigslist up there, and even emailed a bit with one guy. He’s kinda cute, so we will see. 😉 I suspect it will be even easier up there than it is here.
 

Meanwhile, Mr. Firm has continued to impress me over text.  He’s like, everything I could want in a man and then some. Plus, he’s taken, so I don’t have to worry about him getting needy on me.  Okay, maybe it’s really that I have issues with unavailable men, or something, but he’s the good kind. 😉  He won’t be THAT close when I move, unlike some of the others, but still a lot more chances to see him than I would have here.

I just can’t get over how awesome he is!  Maybe it’s just a dose of infatuation, but it seems like the more I get to know, the more I like who he is as a person.  Add that he is just fantastic in bed and I’m going crazy, lol.  I mean, how many guys could just sit there and not bat an eyelash when I told him all the stuff I was doing at that orgy party without him??  And still treat me just exactly the same afterwards??  He is SO FUCKING COOL. 😀 Believe me, I was watching for his reaction too, haha.

He’s a great flirt and has the ability to get me really, really, hot, plus he actually LISTENS to me when I am talking about things and offers the greatest advice.  He’s reliable, and always answers texts, he’s honest, he doesn’t play games.  I wish every guy was like that.  Even though it seems like most times we’ve been together I haven’t been at my best, he doesn’t seem to mind at all and still appears to like me a lot, haha.  Like one time I had just gotten my hair done and had dye all down my forehead.  Last time, I passed out drunk. I won’t get into the rest of my mishaps, but he appears unfazed by it all and usually just laughs like he thinks its cute, lol. ::: swoon ::: 😀

The Host is so far so good as well.  He hasn’t been talking too much over text but he did invite me for a weekend trip with him soon and of course the upcoming party.  I’m looking forward to it and hopefully will have more to tell before long. 😉

My thoughts are starting to come together regarding the book I want to write, so perhaps this will be the year I get it done. I’m so looking forward to all the possibilities. Happy New Year everyone! 😀